#eddie's gonna stare at him with heart eyes while buck tells the team about the average lifespan of a bee
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saveyourblood · 2 days ago
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Pretty Boy - Ch 6 (Buddie x Reader)
Summary: You can feel Buck staring. When your eyes meet his, you realize he’s staring at your hand, which is still on Eddie’s knee. You slowly retreat, which makes Buck turn his attention to your face. You smile softly. He just looks out the window. The one where you’re an advanced paramedic, Buck and Eddie are firefighters, and you think you might be in love with both of them.
Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 | Ch 5
Chapter Summary: The tension between you and Buck brings you and Eddie closer.
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Word Count: 3.3k Warnings: none
Things between you and Buck are
 weird. Awkward. Uncomfortable. The last time you had a real conversation with him, it was a fight, but it ended with you saying how much you care about him. It’s left you feeling like there’s an open wound on your chest, one that exposes your heart. You feel vulnerable, and you hate it. Your hatred of the feeling triumphs over your desire to be around him, at least for now.
In a weird silver lining, your lack of time with Buck has created room for one of your other coworkers — Eddie. Talking to Eddie when Buck was around always felt strange, like there was something in the air that wasn’t supposed to be. Which is funny, because when it’s the two of them, they’re as thick as thieves. Something about you being in the mix feels like adding oil to water.
You like to think you’ve gotten to know Eddie relatively well in the last few weeks. So when he’s staring off into space while the rest of the team is eating breakfast, you don’t feel awkward asking what he’s thinking about.
“Nothing,” he says, turning his coffee mug absentmindedly. “Just
 this new school with Christopher.”
“Don’t think it’s a good fit?” You ask.
“No, it’s perfect,” Eddie replies, turning his attention to you.
You smile softly. “Then what’s the problem?”
“They need to do a family interview.”
“Again, what’s the problem?” you chuckle. “I mean, aren’t the divorce and custody agreement papers enough?”
“They would be
 if I had them.”
You frown. “What?”
Eddie sighs as he rubs his forehead. He leans closer so you’re the only one who can hear him. “We’re still married.”
Apparently, you don’t know a goddamn thing about Eddie.
“Oh,” is all you manage to get out.
Eddie chuckles briefly. “Yeah.”
“Wow. Just
 from how you talk about her, you made it sound like things were
 over over. Like, officially over.”
“ Shannon and I aren’t officially
 anything these days.”
“You’re officially husband and wife.”
Eddie rolls his eyes, but he smiles as he does it. “TouchĂ©.”
“What’re you gonna do?” you ask softly after a moment.
He sets his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands together. “I don’t know.”
You just watch him and can’t shake the helplessness that washes over you. Eddie’s in a tough spot; no matter what you say, you can’t fix it. All you can do is be there.
“Tell me what I can do,” you say.
Eddie looks up at you with a lopsided grin. There aren’t many things you wouldn’t do to keep it on his face.
“I’ve been told I’m a lot of fun when I drink,” you continue. “Well, when I have three drinks I’m fun: that’s when I get dancy. After five drinks, I get sad. You can pick the number.”
Eddie laughs.
9-1-1 dispatch is down, making doing your job almost impossible. LA is a maze; without GPS navigation, you rely on your phone and eyes to do most of the work. It’s a miracle that dispatch existed before computers.
You’re in the passenger’s seat of the rig, and you tell Hen to make a right turn. When you pull up to what’s supposed to be the scene, though, there’s nothing.
“Dispatch, this is RA 118,” you say into the radio. “There’s nothing here.”
“No pregnant woman?” A dispatcher asks.
“There’s no building. It’s an empty lot.”
“Stand by, 118.”
You hang the radio with a huff.
“What’s going on with you?” Hen asks.
You frown and look over at her. “What?”
“You’ve been
 off lately,” she explains. “Like, you’ve got this short fuse now.”
“Why shouldn’t I? We can’t even do our fucking jobs because some moron can’t fix a computer!”
Hen raises her eyebrows.
“Okay, point taken.”
“Buck says you two haven’t talked in a while.”
“Well, he’s a firefighter and I’m a paramedic. We can work the same shift and not see each other,” you shrug. “ I don’t know why he’s talking to you about it.”
“I’m not sure, but
 it sounded like I’m not the only one worried about you.”
You play with your hands in your lap.
Hen sighs. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but I hope it gets fixed, because you two are miserable without each other.”
“It’s not like that-”
Hen raises a hand to silence you. “I don’t know what you guys are
 best friends, work spouses, or dating. Frankly, I don’t care. All I know is that, for better or for worse, you need each other. “
“118, you're gonna need to proceed to San Vicente, east of the Miracle Mile District,” dispatch crackles over the radio. “The nearest cross street is Sixth.”
You pick it up and push the button. “RA 118, copy that.”
“Where the hell have you guys been?”
When you finally arrive at the correct building, you’re faced with a pregnant woman lying on the lobby floor. A small crowd has formed around them, which you push your way through.
“We are fighting a system outage, sir,” Bobby explains, “we apologize for the delay.”
You crouch next to the patient on one side while Hen starts an IV on the other side.
“Hi,” you introduce yourself and don some gloves. “What’s your name?”
“Sonia. I’m 39 weeks pregnant, and 38 years old, which makes me a geriatric pregnancy,” she laughs a little. “God, I hate that word.”
“Word doesn’t matter: you still get a baby out of it,” you smile. “I’m gonna check how progressed you are, okay?”
She nods.
“10 centimeters, 100% effaced,” you observe. “You’re doing great, okay? On this next contraction, you’re gonna push, alright, Sonia?”
She doesn’t respond, so you look up.
Her expression changed. A moment ago, she was nervous but smiling. Now, her face is flattened, and she’s staring ahead at nothing.
“There's something wrong with the baby,” she says quietly.
Your body goes numb.
There are a few things you never want to hear a patient say, and ‘something is wrong’ might be at the top of the list. It’s called ‘impending doom’ — there’s no obvious threat, but it feels like something is about to go terribly wrong. You’ve seen patients die within minutes of saying something doesn’t feel right.
“Your baby is fine, Sonia,” you assure. “You'll-you'll be able to see for yourself in just a minute.”
“No! No, this was a mistake, all of it,” Sonia cries. “Roger was right to panic. Look, we can't do this. I can't... I can't do this. I shouldn't have this child.”
“Hey! Hey, Sonia, look at me,” you say, patting her knee to get her attention.
It takes her a moment, but her eyes eventually meet yours.
“All you have to do is push,” you tell her. “That’s it, okay? Just push.”
She still looks terrified, yet she nods.
On the next contraction, Sonia pushes. You coach her through the contractions, telling her when to push and when to rest. It only takes a few rounds until the baby is fully born.
“He’s here!” you exclaim as you wrap the baby in a towel.
There’s some happy laughter and a round of applause from the crowd as the baby cries.
“Beautiful boy, it’s time you meet your mom,” you say as you move to place the baby on Sonia’s chest.
She’s staring at the ceiling, her expression slack.
“I’ve got the baby,” Eddie interrupts, taking the baby from you so you can work.
“Sonia?” you say, rubbing your knuckles on her sternum. She winces, but barely.
“I can’t get a systolic above 70,” Hen says as she deflates the blood pressure cuff.
“She’s cyanotic,” you say, noting the blue tinge to her lips and fingernails. “She’s in shock.”
“Hemorrhagic?” Hen questions.
“She’s barely bleeding,” you shake your head.
You press your fingers to her neck. You don’t feel a pulse.
“Lost a pulse, starting compressions!” you shout.
Everything starts to move a hell of a lot quicker. Within seconds, the defibrillator is at your side, and as you compress Sonia’s chest, Hen is placing the pads. Eddie has a finger on her neck to ensure your compressions are effective.
When you get Sonia on the gurney, Eddie tags you out as the compressor to give you a break. Your entire body shakes with adrenaline, yet you help pack her into the rig and climb inside.
“She was fine,” Eddie mutters as he compresses. “Birth was going like clockwork, even for a geriatric pregnancy.”
“Sudden despair and fear and anxiety, rapid loss of BP, subsequent cardiovascular collapse
” you think aloud. It dawns on you. “Oh my god.”
“What?”
You’re reaching for your phone, dialing the phone number of the hospital you’re heading to. “It’s an Amniotic Fluid Embolism.”
Eddie looks over to you. His brow is damp with sweat. “She could be in DIC.”
“She needs Mass Transfusion Protocol,” you agree. You raise the phone to your ear. “LA general, this is RA 118 en route, I need to speak to your ER charge nurse.”
When you’re rolling through the ER doors, you’re kneeling over Sonia on the gurney as you do compressions. Doctors and nurses are shouting directions at each other, but all you focus on is your arms moving up and down.
You hop off so they can move her off of the gurney and onto the hospital bed. In the process, you notice that the defibrillator is showing Sonia’s in Ventricular Tachycardia — a shockable rhythm.
“V-Tach,” you say normally at first, then shout. “V-Tach! Everyone clear!”
The ER staff has no idea who you are, but when someone shouts those words, anyone with a medical background knows to listen. Everyone backs away with their hands raised. After hitting the ‘charge’ button, you do a quick survey to ensure no one is touching Sonia. Then, you hit the lightning bolt to deliver a shock.
Sonia’s body jerks at the electricity. The EKG tracing goes from tombstone shapes to a flatline. Then, there’s a beep and a QRS complex. Then another, and another.
“Got a pulse!” a random voice shouts.
You make your way out of the trauma bay and into the hallway, where Eddie’s waiting for you.
“That was
 amazing,” Eddie says.
You stand next to him wordlessly. You nod but then let out a sob as you collapse against the wall.
Eddie helps lower you to the floor. He keeps a hand on your shoulder, squeezing tightly.
“God, this is embarrassing,” you remark between a few sobs.
“It isn’t,” Eddie immediately responds. “We’ve all been there.”
“It’s, uh, it’s how my mom died,” you say with a sad laugh. “They didn’t catch it in time. She bled to death internally. I just
 I don’t know what I would’ve done if she didn’t pull through.”
“She did,” Eddie says, moving his hand from your shoulder to your knee. “She pulled through because of you.”
You nod again, wiping away some of your tears. “Thank you.”
Eddie nods in return. You notice that his gaze goes from your eyes to your lips and back up to your eyes.
It happens in the smallest of movements, but before you know it, your forehead is pressed against Eddie’s. You can feel his breath on your mouth. You quietly gasp at the sensation, and it makes him sigh.
You press your lips together. “You’re married.”
“She wants a divorce,” Eddie whispers.
You smile sadly. “You’re still married.”
Eddie sighs again, but this time, he moves away from you.
“I’m not saying it can never happen,” you say quietly. “All I’m saying is that I’m not that kind of girl. And you definitely aren’t that kind of guy.”
Eddie nods, his mouth shifting into a few different expressions.
You rise to your feet and offer Eddie a hand. “Let’s get back to work, Edmundo.”
Eddie laughs genuinely at the use of his full name. He takes your hand and uses it to help get himself up, but he continues holding it when he’s standing.
“Back to work,” he agrees and squeezes your hand before letting go.
You’re heading out a scene call, fire in progress with multiple victims suspected. You’re driving the rig while Eddie sets up the back. The 118 is the nearest firehouse, so your unit will be the first on the scene. It comes with a lot of responsibility, but you know you and Eddie are ready for it.
That is, until there’s a massive ‘BOOM’ from behind you.
You immediately pull over and look in your rearview. The engine following behind you is now on fire and lying on its side in the middle of the intersection. You can see a few firefighters lying on the pavement.
“Eddie, grab our bags!” you shout as you unclick your seatbelt.
You fly out of the rig and meet Eddie in the back. Instead of handing you your bag, he sets a hand on your shoulder and pushes you both to the side of the ambulance.
“What the hell?” You ask.
“There’s a bomber,” he says in a low tone.
“What?” you ask again, peering to the side of him.
Sure enough, there’s a kid — no older than twenty — with several pipe bombs strapped to his chest. He’s holding what appears to be the detonator in his hand. Someone is laying at his feet, his leg pinned under the passenger side of the engine.
Buck was sitting in the passenger’s seat.
You try rushing forward again, and Eddie grabs you by the waist this time.
“It’s Buck!” you scream as you struggle against him.
“I know,” Eddie says, his arms wrapped around you as he presses your back to his chest.
“We have to do something!” you cry, still thrashing against Eddie.
“We have to wait for the scene to clear,” Eddie explains. It’s more than a little annoying how calm he sounds. “If you go in now, both of you could die.”
“So what, we just let him die?” You ask, but you’ve stopped fighting.
Eddie doesn’t say anything, but his grip around you loosens. Eventually, you feel his arms drop back to his sides. That’s when you make a run for it.
You make it far enough to catch the bomber’s attention. You raise your hands in the air.
“I’m not who you want,” you explain, “I just want to help him. He has nothing to do with this. He has friends and family
 he’s my family. Please, just let me help him.”
The bomber looks from you to Buck, then back at you. “He’s collateral damage.”
“Is that how you see yourself?” Bobby interrupts. He approaches with his hands raised.
The bomber’s attention shifts to Bobby, the person he’s been after this whole time. You use it as a window of opportunity to approach Buck slowly. When you finally reach him, you crouch down by his head.
“Hey, Pretty Boy,” you say softly. You set a hand on his head. “How’re you feeling?”
His left leg is the one that’s pinned, and he’s lying on his stomach. He tries to look up at you. “You shouldn’t be here. It’s not safe.”
“I could say the same thing to you,” you joke. You move your hand to his neck. “Are you in pain?”
“No, just kind of numb,” he says. “That’s not good, right?”
Your heart sinks. “You’re in shock: it’s normal.”
Bobby manages to distract the bomber long enough to subdue him. As the bomber gets rushed off, the rest of your team rushes in.
“Eddie, start two lines, wide open,” you instruct. “Hen, get him in the C-collar.”
You dig in the medi bag for a tourniquet. As you apply it, you try to drown out the sound of Buck crying out in pain.
“How are we doing?” Bobby asks as you stand.
“We’re out of time,” you mumble. “We need to get him out and to the nearest trauma center.”
Any extra body moves to the truck, waiting for the count to lift it. You place yourself in front of Buck, taking both of his hands.
“We’re gonna get you out,” you promise.
He nods slightly.
“Okay, my count,” you say as you move your hands to underneath his arms. “1
 2
 3!”
As everyone begins to push, you start pulling on Buck. He isn’t budging.
“It’s too heavy,” Bobby says.
“We got anything on the truck we can use for leverage?” Eddie suggests.
“No, we need more people,” Chim says, picking up his radio. “Dispatch, this is 118
”
There’s some clattering from across the way. Bystanders are pushing through the barricades to help. This time, you’re able to get him out.
You get him on the backboard, then onto the gurney. The whole time, you’re telling him that he did a good job and that he’ll be okay. As you’re running with him to the ambulance, he mumbles something. Once you’re settled into the rig, you ask him to repeat himself.
“You’re my family, too,” he mutters.
You wait in the waiting room the whole time Buck is in surgery. When he makes it out of recovery and to the ICU room, you don’t leave his side. You’re sure visiting hours are over, but you stay out of the nurse’s way. She doesn’t say anything; she just gives you a sympathetic look every once in a while.
You hear him stir a little bit. You look up from your phone to see Buck blinking awake.
“Welcome back,” you smile.
“You’re here,” he says, voice rough.
“Where else would I be?”
Buck looks around the room, slowly orienting himself. His eyes eventually land on his leg, which is in a cast and suspended in a sling. His eyes widen, and he lets out a few breaths as he tries to sit up.
“Okay, okay,” you set a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him back. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“Is it?” Buck asks. “Did you talk to the doctor? Did he say anything about how the surgery went?”
“Just that you made it through,” you say softly. “And you're now the proud owner of one titanium rod and four beautifully cobalt-chromed screws.”
“Before they wheeled me in, he, uh
 he said he didn't know how it was gonna go.”
You take his hand gently. “You’ll walk again, Buck.”
“Yeah, h-he said
 he said he was pretty confident about that. He, uh, he just... he didn't know if I would ever
 work again.”
You run a hand over your face. “Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you everything will work out how you want it to. But what I will say is that we should take this moment to be glad that you’re alive.”
“I’m really sorry about our fight,” Buck apologizes.
You laugh. “Buck, that is
 so far from being important right now.”
“No, it isn’t,” he insists. “It wasn’t fair, how I reacted. I’m proud of you. I was just
 scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Losing you,” he admits quietly.
“Yeah, well, I was pretty scared of that today, so we’re definitely even,” you joke. Your smile softens and you squeeze his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”
You move your hand to his forehead. You trail it down to his cheek, letting it rest for a moment. You turn your body to face him better. His eyes are closed, which you’re grateful for because if he were looking at you, you wouldn’t have the guts to do what you want to do.
You kiss him. It’s hesitant at first, and when he doesn’t react right away, you start to pull back. Before you can, Buck has his hand on the back of your neck, pulling you in closer. Your hand moves from his cheek down his neck and eventually rests on his chest. You only pull away when your lungs are burning from lack of air.
Buck traces his thumb over your lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
You blush, laugh, and bury your face in the crook of his neck.
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becausebuckley · 3 months ago
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i for one can't wait to see buck on my screen sharing all his little bee facts <3
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eddiediazismyhusband · 5 months ago
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đŸ©șđŸ đŸłïžâ€đŸŒˆ
đŸ©ș - The Nurse!Eddie fic:
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It’s late, I should probably go,” Buck said, and Eddie felt his heart sink at that. 
“Oh, yeah,” Eddie replied. “You have a shift tomorrow?”
“Nah, but I’m taking Maddie to her checkup in the morning,” he rolled his eyes. “She still hasn’t told Chim about it. She claims it’s because she doesn’t want him telling people, but it’s really because she’s too chicken to admit that she wants to raise this kid with him.”
“She’ll have to tell him sooner or later,” Eddie chuckled. “He’s gonna notice when the baby looks like him.”
“I just don’t know what she’s scared of,” Buck sighed. “I mean he’s totally into her, she just has this whole fixation on the fact that he’s the first friend she really made since moving to LA and she doesn’t want to jeopardize that.”
“She does realize they’re going to have a literal kid together, right?” Eddie asks with an amused smirk.
Buck lets out an incredulous laugh as he rubs his face in his hands. “Hey, do you still need me to pick up Chris from school tomorrow?”
“If you don’t mind,” Eddie grimaced at having to ask Buck to do that. “I work a 12 tomorrow, and I won’t get off until 7.”
“Do you need me to sit with him for the afternoon?” Buck asked. “Just so Isabel can get some rest.”
“I don’t want to take your evening away from you,” Eddie turns from the sink to look at him.
“It’s no big deal,” Buck assured him. “I enjoy spending time with the little man.”
Buck was smiling brightly at Eddie, and Eddie couldn’t help but return the smile as he crossed his arms.
“I’ll repay you with pizza?” Eddie suggested.
“Deal,” Buck smiled. “Just don’t get two separate ones because Chris likes peppers on his and I don’t. I can pick them off.”
“Buck, you’re babysitting my son on your day off work,” Eddie laughed. “I’m not forcing you to eat pizza you don’t like.”
“It’s fine, Eds, honest,” Buck smiled. “Oh- I almost forgot
 If it’s okay with you I thought about taking him to the zoo on Saturday? Since you have a shift.”
“Buck you don’t have to let him drag you around everywhere,” Eddie said.
“I’m not!” Buck argued. “I told you, Eddie, I like spending time with him
 he reminds me of a mini you.”
Eddie’s smile drops for a moment at the idea of Buck enjoying spending time with Chris because he reminds him of Eddie. He honestly doesn’t want to think about Chris ending up like him.
“I hope he’s not like me,” Eddie said with a self-deprecating laugh as he turned to face the sink again.
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💒 - The Fake Husband fic:
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Thankfully, before Eddie could make himself sick at even thinking about that prospect, Buck’s voice snapped him out of his trance. “Oh, shit.”
Eddie blinked a few times before looking up at Buck’s face, scrunched up in aggravation as he stared into the basket while placing the items on the conveyor belt.
“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked, furrowing his brows.
“I forgot to pick up that non-dairy parmesan for Julie,” Buck sighed. “Could you stand here while I run back and grab it? I know exactly what I’m looking for.”
“Yeah, of course,” Eddie immediately accepted, taking the basket from Buck.
“You’re the best,” Buck gave Eddie a quick squeeze on his shoulder before he was bounding back into the store, leaving Eddie alone at the checkout with an older woman who smiled at him sweetly as he continued placing items on the belt.
“Looks like you’re cooking for quite the crowd,” she observed the copious amount of ingredients Buck had bought.
“We’re firefighters so we usually do a pretty big team lunch when we’re on shift,” Eddie smiled at her.
“Oh, a couple of LA’s finest, eh?” she chuckled as she continued scanning their items. “It’s quite a dangerous job.”
“It can be,” Eddie agreed. “But I’ve got a pretty good partner out there who has my back.”
“Well, I think it’s lovely they let you and your husband work together,” she beamed, finishing up scanning the items. “I know sometimes it must be tricky, but it must be nice to know you have someone out there you can trust.”
Eddie opened his mouth to correct her- he knew it would be the right thing to do. Both for Buck’s sake and for his own. It wasn’t fair to either of them for Eddie to keep living in this fantasy world he kept creating for himself where Buck actually wanted him in the same way. 
“Yeah,” he smiled, “It really is.”
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đŸłïžâ€đŸŒˆ - The Pride fic;
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“Did you bring any cash with you, by any chance?” Buck asked, leaning in close so Eddie could hear him.
“I got a 20 in my wallet,” Eddie replied. 
“Give it to me, I’m gonna go exchange it for some ones,” Buck held his hand out, as Eddie frowned.
“Why?” he asked.
“It’s common courtesy to tip drag queens during a show,” Buck told him. “I meant to bring some for both of us, but I forgot and only had time to get cash for myself.”
Eddie nodded, pulling out his wallet and retrieving the $20 bill, passing it to Buck who quickly escaped back into the crowd of people. He sipped his beer as he waited for Buck to return, looking around at the tiny interior of the club, decorated in an industrial loft vibe- very similar to Buck’s apartment.
The lights suddenly dimmed and a voice came over the speakers on the walls and ceiling, pulling Eddie from his fixation on the room’s design. His eyes were drawn to the small stage on the far end of the room, where a spotlight had slowly appeared on the curtains center stage.
“Attention Ladies, Gentlemen, and all those in between,” the voice announced over the speaker. “Welcome to Los Angeles Pride, 20241”
The room erupted into cheers around them as Buck returned with a wad of cash, handing the stack of $1 bills to Eddie. Eddie brought the hand holding the cash down, resting it on his leg as the announcer continued. 
“The Q room is proud to present our very own, Ophelia Morningwood!” The announcer’s voice boomed through the room as the crowds around them broke into more cheering.
Buck and Eddie joined in the applause as the speakers began to blast the opening chords of Patti LaBelle’s Stir it Up. The curtains on the small stage opened to reveal Ophelia Morningwood- her back to the audience- in a floor length gown made almost entirely of sequined fringe in an ombre of dark blue, white, and teal. Around her arms lay a white feather boa with tassels in the same color dangling down from both ends; atop her head a sculpted beehive updo right out of one of Abuela’s old photo albums.
Eddie watched as she moved in time with the music, spinning around on one of her silver stiletto heels as she began lip-syncing. Eddie furrowed his brows as he tried to place where he knew that face from. He looked over at Buck who seemed to have the same puzzled expression. 
They watched as she moved around the room, collecting tips from different patrons as she performed the song with ease and sass in every move she made. It wasn’t until she stood about 5 feet away from them that Eddie realized why that face was so familiar- and apparently so did Buck as they both turned to look at each other, wide-eyed.
“Josh?” They both said, moments before the dispatcher- in full drag- approached their table, lip syncing directly to both of them as they sat, Eddie’s jaw on the floor, and Buck with a stupefied smile on his face.
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buddienights · 3 years ago
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Part eleven of the TA Grindr au
Maddie is good humoured about helping Buck find the appropriate clothes for this not-date, but she does not approve of his living situation.
“You have to move out,” she tells him when she’s navigated the carefully balanced cases of beer that line the edge of the staircase, his roommates’ and his own bicycle which live in the hallways in case of prowlers, and Connor’s laundry.
“Yeah, I know,” Buck says. It won’t be until he’s graduated because for all its other flaws, this place is close to campus. And, helpfully, to the cafĂ© Eddie picked.
Maddie sets him up with a soft grey sweater that she claims makes his eyes pop, ignores his comment that they’re just blue and it’s not like they’re gonna magically get more blue if he wears certain colours, and then banishes him to the cafĂ© before he can chicken out.
Eddie’s already there when Buck arrives, sitting at a table in the window with his gaze fixed intently on his phone. Buck glances at his own, discovers it’s 10:59, and as soon as the clock flips over to 11, Eddie looks away from the technology and starts scanning the cafĂ© door.
He’s nervous, Buck realises.
“Please don’t be disappointed that it’s me,” Buck whispers, just to himself, and heads inside.
Eddie’s gaze catches on him the second he steps into the cafĂ©, and for the space of a heartbeat, Buck wonders if he’s not going to recognise him, but then Eddie’s face melts into a soft — almost relieved? — smile.
“H-hey,” Buck says.
“Hey,” Eddie replies.
Buck struggles for something better to say for just a second and then catches the cup of coffee in front of Eddie, points lamely between it and the counter, and goes to get his own. When he returns, Eddie’s still looking at him like he’s trying to drink him with his eyes.
“I would’ve gotten you something but I wasn’t sure how you took it,” Eddie says while Buck sits down. Almost as soon as the words are out of his mouth, his eyes shoot open wide. “Coffee! I mean, I wasn’t sure how you drank your coffee, that came out
wrong.”
And just like that the tension breaks.
Buck is badly suppressing a snicker when he says, “well, I mean, I take it most ways, but
”
Eddie blushes deliciously, Buck discovers. He wonders now how many times he’d been blushing when Buck sent him flirtier texts, and how many times he’d made himself blush.
“Uh, anyway, business first,” Buck suggests and pulls out the kindergarten information. He hands the dossier he’s put together across the table to Eddie, who stops blushing and looks for just a second like he might cry. “And if it helps, I know a few of the admins in some of the schools and can probably talk to them.”
“Thank you,” Eddie says, quiet and intensely sincere.
“Yeah, of course, any time,” Buck says.
Eddie carefully places the dossier into his own bag and then looks Buck in the eyes for just a second before looking away like he’s afraid to be caught staring. And then realises he’s allowed to and looks back and Buck had not properly appreciated how warm and lovely his eyes were before this moment.
“So what’s the nickname you go by?” Eddie asks.
“Oh! It’s Buck,” he says. “There were three Evans on the team.”
“Buck,” Eddie repeats like he’s trying it on for size. “It suits you.”
“It also fits into a lot of bad puns and jokes,” Buck says. Eddie’s eyes go a little unfocused while he tries to think of the possibilities, and whatever he comes up with brings warm spots back to his cheeks, and Buck laughs. “Did you have any idea who I was?”
“Not officially,” Eddie says, and then looks down at his coffee to add, quietly, “but I hoped it was you.”
Buck’s heart does a whole series of backflips. Not only is Eddie not disappointed it’s him, Eddie had hoped it would be. Which is—
“Why? Just because I kept turning up at your office hours trying really, really hard not to give myself away?”
“I recognised your hands when you turned in your midterm,” Eddie admits.
Buck tips his head sideways. “My hands?”
Eddie nods, and is blushing so much his face almost matches his shirt.
“My hands from my
 Oh. Oh I see,” Buck says, and sips his coffee to keep himself from bursting out laughing while Eddie continues to blush.
Because he recognised Buck’s hands from the only picture he had of Buck. Which was, of course, his main pic on his Grindr profile, where his hand is only visible because it’s marking the outline of Buck’s dick.
“Did you, uh, did you spend a lot of time looking at that picture, Eddie?” Buck asks.
“I didn’t know you were my student,” Eddie says, miserably embarrassed, and Buck just wants to lean across the table and cup his face in his hands and kiss him.
“If it makes you feel any better, I spent the entire semester checking out your ass, so,” Buck says.
“I feel like that shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does,” Eddie replies.
Buck grins. “Good.”
Inconceivably, they fall into a proper conversation after that. They talk about Buck’s goals as a future elementary school teacher and Eddie doesn’t belittle him or ask why he thinks that’s worth anything (like his parents had) or mock his idealism about it. And they talk about Eddie’s eventual goals for his PhD — which he apparently wishes he’d gone straight into instead of doing this stopover at an MA — and his designs on someday being a professor himself.
It’s easy to talk to him, as easy as it had been to message, and they keep laughing together. They stay there, talking and getting along, up until the barista appears at their table to inform them that it’s 4pm and the cafĂ© is closing for the day.
“I guess we kinda lost track of time, huh?” Buck says as they walk back outside together.
“Yeah, I guess,” Eddie says, a bit sheepish. His shoulder bumps against Buck’s when he rubs the back of his neck, and Buck feels it like a pulse of electricity down his arm.
“You have to get home to Christopher, right?” Buck asks. He doesn’t know what he wants the answer to be. If he wants Responsible Good Dad Eddie to make an appearance or if he wants this day to just keep going.
“Actually, he’s having a sleepover with my abuela,” Eddie says. “To make up for my long weekend of being the most boring father in existence.”
Buck laughs and keeps leaning against the small park bench beside him. He’s pretty sure Eddie’s looking at his legs. “I’m sure you’re not boring.”
“All he got to do this weekend was doodle on the 199 tests I had to grade,” Eddie says.
“I thought there were 200 students,” Buck replies, lifting an eyebrow when that makes Eddie clear his throat awkwardly.
“I had someone else grade your test,” he says. “Just in case.”
Buck nods and feels emboldened to take a step right into Eddie’s personal space. Eddie doesn’t step back, but Buck can see his pulse jump in his throat. And oh, how Buck wants to fix his mouth on that.
“You know, ah, there was something in your picture I couldn’t stop looking at either,” Buck says.
“Really?” Eddie asks. He swallows. “What — what was it?”
That freckle at the top of your ribs, Buck thinks.
Instead, he gets just a little bit closer. He’s close enough that he can feel Eddie’s body heat, warm against the slight bite of the December air. And then he pitches his voice low and asks, “Can I meet your cat?”
348 notes · View notes
libraryofloveletters · 4 years ago
Note
prompts 8 + 9 for Buck omgggg đŸ„ČđŸ„ČđŸ„Č
Can’t Lose Him
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Evan Buckley x Reader 
Warnings: fem!reader, mentions of hospitals and injuries, minimal swearing, mentions of pregnancy and Chim’s accident, big brother!Chim
Prompts: #8: “you promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me!” #9: “Does he know about the baby?” 
Category: mix of angst and fluff
Word Count: 2.4k
Author’s Note: I loved writing this so thank you for requesting! :) 
---
Pacing the room, Hen reached out for your hand. “C’mon, your feet must hurt. Sit down” you sighed, once again you were in a hospital waiting room in the middle of the night with the team and Maddie because Buck’s idiotic self got himself hurt again. 
“I’m okay Hen, thank you” you gave her a slight smile. Bobby was talking to the doctors because you couldn't bring yourself to hear what he’s done this time. Bobby returned, Athena by his side now. “Oh honey,” she pulled you into a hug, you could feel yourself melting into her arms, she sat with you and her arm wrapped around your shoulder. Bobby sat to the other side of you. 
“The doctor said that the pressure of the block cracked a rib, which then punctured a lung. He also has a mild concussion but they say it shouldn't be too bad” 
“Is he out of surgery ?” 
“He is, but he’s in recovery now. It might be a little bit before we get to see him” Bobby gives your shoulder a squeeze, you nodded.
Taking a look around the waiting room, Chim held Maddie as she slept with her head on his shoulder. Eddie sat to the other side of them, on the phone with Carla and Christopher. Hen was now talking to Bobby about something. 
This wasn't an unusual scene but a familiar one. Regardless of what was going on or who it was, the 118 always shows for their own. 
A rather tall man came into the waiting room. “Buckley ?” he called out, everyone stood, the doctor seemed surprised to see so many people at 4 in the morning. Your hand was resting on your stomach, you could feel eyes burning into your side. Looking to the left, Chim’s eyes were fixed on your hand, you nodded in his direction with your brows furrowed. He shook his head, you didn’t think much of it. 
“We can take one person in if someone would like to go in now? He’s still asleep but he’s stable as of now” your heart sunk at the term “as of now”, shaking the feeling, you look over at Maddie. 
“Do you want to go in first ?” 
“You go ahead, I'll walk with you and then I'll see him after. I might take a lap, my back is killing me” she gave your hand a squeeze, the two of you followed the doctor to a room down the hall. 
She came in for a moment to kiss her brother’s head and then left you alone in the room with him. You sat at his bedside, your hand held onto his. His hand was cold, the monitor was still going and you could hear his heart beating through the deafening silence but it felt strange. 
Every time you found yourself back here, it felt odd. 
Buck was a warrior in every sense of the word, he pulled through, always. 
“Oh baby, what did you get yourself into” sighing and leaning back into the chair. Once again, your hand comes down to rest on your stomach, the other hand still holding Buck’s. His hand twitched slightly, he was starting to wake up. “Don’t move hun,” your hand rested on his chest softly, Buck’s brows furrowed. 
“Wh-who are you?” his head tilted slightly, your heart dropped. The panic started to set in but you knew better than to let him see it. 
He’ll come around, he’s just woozy from surgery. 
“Why are you here?” he asked once again, “I'm-” you started but was cut off by a little chuckle from Buck. “You ass!” you let out a breath, “god, you scared me”
“Sorry baby, I didn't mean to scare you” 
“Yeah? So why am I sitting in a hospital room while you’re all banged up” 
“We could bang if you wanted” he gave you one of his stupid wicked smiles
“Evan Buckley!” you scolded him, “now is not the time” your hand held onto his arm, your finger tracing over the tattoo on his bicep. “You really scared me, the whole punctured lung this isn't a cute look Buck” 
“Really ? And here I was thinking that I was pulling it off” 
Something flipped in you, you went from relief to anger in .2 of a second. “How could you?” hitting his shoulder, you stood up. “Ow! What did I do ? I'm just laying here” Buck whined, you know you didn't actually hurt him, he's just being dramatic. 
“I know it’s your job to run into burning buildings but would it kill you to be safe? You can't fucking save anyone if you’re dead Evan!” 
“Woah, calm down first of all, and why are you calling me Evan ?” 
“Is that not your frigging name ?!” 
You were starting to lose your patience. You loved Buck, any and everyone knew that but you couldn't deal with how stupid he could be sometimes. He’d run straight into danger to help others but not once would he stop to think of what could possibly happen to him. 
“Where is this coming from ?” he asked you, looking at you. He reached for your hand but you pulled away. You find yourself pacing again, trying to calm yourself before you strangle him with his IV line. “What do you mean ‘where is this coming from?’ you had a giant block of concrete on your chest Buck! If Eddie didn't find you, you'd be dead, you were on the verge of death as it is.” 
“You don-” 
“I don't know that ? I know you’re dumb enough to run into a collapsing building, especially after Bobby told you not to go back inside” you gave him a look, your back up against the wall. Buck’s face went pale, he looked as if he saw a ghost. 
“What? You thought Eddie wouldn't tell me about your little stunt ? You should know better than that.”
“Y/n, baby, I didn’t think anything would happen to me” 
“You never think Buck, that's the problem! You promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me! but you never listen, you never do. One of these days, you're going to walk in and not walk back out.” storming out of the room, Buck sat on the bed, his mouth hung open and confused as to what brought on the fit of rage you just had. 
Maddie walks into the room, “where’s y/n?” she sits beside him. Buck rubs his forehead, “um- she just went for some air” 
--
It was around 5:30 in the morning, you sat outside on the hood of Buck’s jeep. You had dropped him off at work and taken the jeep for the day, hence why you had it right now. 
Peaceful.
That’s how you’d describe your surroundings. There was no one in the parking lot, you laid back on the hood as your hand came down to your stomach once again, staring aimlessly up into the sky. It wasn't dark but the sun hadn't fully come up yet. It was right before dawn, the world felt like it paused, not completely, but just enough for you to take in these few moments of peace. 
The weight shifted on the jeep, you opened your eyes to see Chim climbing up to sit beside you. “Hey, everyone’s looking for you” he says, laying back onto the hood beside you. “Yeah, I just needed some air” lying through your teeth, you give him as best of a smile that you could muster up. Chim’s eyes fixated on your hand once again, you watched him, practically hearing the turning in his head. 
“What's going on in there? The rebar taking its effect now?” you joke, he rolls his eyes. 
“Does he know about the baby?” he asks, you sit up and turn towards him. You hadn't told a soul. 
“How did-” 
“Maddie does it to- the hand on the belly thing. She's been doing it since before there was a bump. Just a motherly reflex I suppose” 
You stared off into space, Chim sat beside you quietly. “Does he know?” he asks once again, you shake your head. “I know it’s not my place,” he rests his hand on your shoulder, “but I think you should tell him. It might keep him from running into buildings without thinking.” 
“Did that work for you ?” 
“What do you mean ?” 
“When Maddie told you that she was pregnant, did you think twice before running into a burning building ?” 
“Honestly, at first it didn't. It didn't seem real until I saw the bump and heard the heartbeat. Then it all made sense ya know ? I couldn't risk getting hurt because I had something to live for, they were waiting for me to come home” 
“That's the thing, I don't want to lose him, Chim. I can’t lose him. I love him and I need him here, the baby needs him. There’s no way I can do this by myself” 
“You can, I know you would be able to do it by yourself but you shouldn’t have too. Buck’s an idiot but he loves you.”
Chim sat with you for a few more minutes, you considered everything he told you. How Buck might not change right away nor did you expect him too but if there was even a chance of him changing, you’d want him too. “Ready to go back in?” Chim slides off the hood, holding his hand out to you. You hold his hand and he helps you off the hood.
“We have a stop to make first” you walk in the opposite direction of Buck’s room. Chim follows you down to the gift shop, which was closed as it doesn’t open until 7.“Are you kidding me?” you groan, leaning back against the door. “We’ll figure something out,” Chim looks around. Eddie comes around the corner, “what are you guys doing here?” he walks over. 
“I needed something for Buck” 
“What did you need? Can’t it wait until they open?” 
“Eddie, I'm pregnant” you just blurt out, Eddie’s jaw drops, literally. 
“Congratulations!” he pulls you into a hug, “wait, you’re happy about it right?” he checks, you nod. 
“I need one of those stupid “world’s best dad” shirts for Buck but it's closed” 
Eddie looks at Chim and then looks around. “Are we gonna?” Chim points towards the door, looking at Eddie. “Yup” Eddie looks around once more, “lean your head towards me y/n” your face screws into a weird expression but abides anyways. Eddie pulls a bobby pin out of your hair, turning to the door and jams into the lock. He wiggles the pin around until the lock clicks open. 
“Voila” he smiles as pushes the door open. The 3 of you walk in, Eddie stays by the door to make sure no one was coming. “Chim, find a pen and paper for me please ?” you walk away to find the shirt you were looking for. Picking up 4, you shove them into a bag form behind the counter. You toss $30 onto the counter and scribble a little note for the person that opens that read: 
Had an emergency, needed a few shirts. Hope this cash covers it. Thanks! :) 
Eddie relocked the door before heading to Buck’s room. Everyone was now in the room, scattered in different places. Bobby was leaned up against a wall, Athena stood beside him, leaning into his side. Hen sat on the little counter by the window and Maddie was still in the chair beside his bed. Eddie went over and joined Hen by the window, Chim stood behind Maddie, his hand coming up to her shoulder. 
“Y/n..” Buck whispers as you walk in, you take a seat on the end of the bed by his hips. “I’m sorry” he says, his hand reaching out for yours. 
“You’re an idiot but, I guess, I forgive you” you say and Buck smiles at you. “What’s in the bag ?” he asks, you rest the bag on your lap. “Something for you boys” The guys exchange looks, Eddie and Chim knew you needed something for Buck but what did you get for them? 
Pulling out the shirts, you handed one to Buck first. It was a plain blue t-shirt with big white bold letters that read “world’s best dad”. Buck looked down at the shirt and then back at you, he repeated that process a few times and after a couple minutes he finally asked you. 
“Are you ?” he whispers, the room is silent. 
“Am I?” you ask.
“Pregnant ?” he finishes the question and you smile. 
“Yeah, I am” your hand rests on his, he pulls you into his side for a hug. You hug him, trying not to squish him and hurt him even more. 
“Okay,” you sit up and toss another shirt that said the same thing to Eddie. He caught it and smiled, “because Christopher couldn't have a better dad than you” Eddie gives you a smile and whispers a thank you. 
The next shirt gets tossed to Chim, he laughs. “You got one for me too?” he asks, pulling the shirt on over his sweater. “Yeah because baby girl Buckley is gonna be one lucky baby, despite your not-so-funny dad jokes” Maddie laughs at the comment, Chim does too. 
The last shirt goes over to Bobby. He gives you a look, “what’s this for ?” he asks, “Because not only have you been amazing with May and Harry but you’ve got a fire station full of ‘children’ that rely on you. Just a thanks for bringing them home in one piece, well for the most part” you pat Buck’s side.
The room is filled with happiness and love, the 118 was together once again, not just as firefighters but as a family. 
-- 
taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @dralexreid @keenmarvellover
788 notes · View notes
half-bakedboy · 3 years ago
Text
it’s okay (not to be okay)
(read on ao3) 
Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Summary: “Great idea. Eddie really shouldn’t be exerting himself right now.”
“Seriously, Buck?” Eddie asked, standing up with a huff.
Buck didn’t have time to be frustrated, because Bobby was instructing him to assist with other patients and he had a job to do.
(Two jobs, if he counted protecting Eddie from himself.)
___________________________
[From: Ana]
Eddie had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. He’s okay, but he’s struggling, Buck. I can’t get through to him, but I think you can. 
[From: Ana]
He doesn’t want anyone to know. Chris had to tell the doctor he was shot. I don’t know what to do.
[From: Ana]
He just dropped me off at my house. Maybe someone should check on him later?
Buck stared down at the messages on his phone, panic thrumming through his body with each passing moment. He ran his fingers through his hair and held in the breath he had sharply inhaled to hold back his own alarm. It was a feeling he was used to, one that he grew to absorb and hold back because he couldn’t let it interfere with his life, his job. He needed a clear head and when he didn’t have one, the panic would become too much to handle, a cross he couldn’t and wouldn’t let himself bear.
Eddie didn’t panic. Eddie was the one who didn’t make rash decisions, who thought through everything before he acted, who kept everyone else calm in each crisis the team had. His level head made him an amazing soldier, a phenomenal firefighter, an ideal father, and
 well, everything Buck had ever wanted to be. 
So to say he was worried about Ana’s texts was an understatement. 
He held his phone up to his ear and when the sound of Eddie’s voice rung through the speaker, he deflated. The familiar sound of Eddie’s always professional voicemail pissed him off more than anything so he wasn’t about to give up. He dialed the other number saved into his favorites and after a few rings, rustling sounded through. 
“Buck?” Christopher asked, voice muffled with sleep. Buck checked the time on his watch and sighed. 
“I’m sorry, buddy, you go to sleep. I was just trying to reach—”
“Dad’s not gonna answer.” 
Christopher said the words so matter-of-factly that Buck felt his heartbeat speed up. 
“You think so? Why is that?” 
“He told me and Ana not to tell anyone,” Christopher began. 
Buck could hear his pout and he wanted to ruffle his hair and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he had to convince himself of it first. Christopher could see right through him and he wasn’t willing to have the kid lose sleep over his own nerves. 
“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Buck promised, “but can you let me know what your dad is doing right now?” 
“He’s in bed. He didn’t even take a shower and he loves showers,” Christopher exaggerated. Buck let out a huff of laughter. 
“You’re observant, you know that?” A few moments of silence passed and even through the phone, Buck could hear Christopher’s worry. “Hey, he’s okay, right?”
“I think so.” He didn’t sound sure. 
“Well, both Ana and I are looking after him and you know who else is?” Buck asked. 
“Who?” Christopher whispered. His breathing was starting to slow, his voice sounding even more muffled as he slowly lulled himself to sleep. 
“ You . He’s okay because he has you, just like he always has, got it?” 
“Got it,” Chris agreed quietly. “Love you, Buck,” he added. 
The line went dead before Buck could say it back, but he figured Chris knew what his response would be anyway. 
___________________________
Over the next day, Buck did what he did best. He watched. He noted Eddie’s behavior. He considered the inflections of his voice, the content of his words, the way he handled himself. To any outsider, it was like nothing ever happened. 
Buck wasn’t just anyone, especially to Eddie.
He pretended not to notice Eddie’s hesitation when he was tasked with helping Chim wire the air traffic controller. He pretended that Eddie’s hand didn’t feel too heavy on his shoulder when he stood up to quickly diagnose the other man with a potential panic attack. 
He pretended he didn’t see the way Eddie’s hands trembled a little more than they usually did after a call while they made their way to the fire truck and ambulances with the victims. He pretended not to see Eddie close his eyes for a few moments and take a deep breath, in and out, calculated like it wasn’t quite second nature anymore. 
It wasn’t until they entered the emergency department that he had ammo for confrontation. 
“Hey, what was with that doctor on the way in? Why is she asking if you’re alright?” Buck asked. He played nonchalance really well but he could be proud of himself for that later. 
“It was nothing.” Buck just stared and Eddie sighed. “I wasn’t feeling well the other day, so
 she checked me out.” 
“She’s a cardiologist. At a hospital,” Buck supplied. He knew Eddie didn’t think he was that stupid—or at least, he hoped. “Are you saying you had a heart attack?” Buck asked, immediately concerned that maybe he didn’t let Ana and Christopher in on the full story. 
“No, I’m not saying I had a heart attack. I’m saying the opposite,” Eddie said smugly, “I’m saying I didn’t have a heart attack.” 
“But you did think you were having a heart attack,” Buck appended. He was leading Eddie to the point, feigning dumb for the good of the situation, but Eddie wouldn’t budge. 
“Can we just drop this?” 
Before Buck could argue, Hen walked over and asked, “Guys, want us to tag you out?” Eddie agreed, but Buck felt his annoyance rise within him. He couldn’t stop himself from his next words. 
“Great idea. Eddie really shouldn’t be exerting himself right now.” 
“Seriously, Buck?” Eddie asked, standing up with a huff. 
Buck didn’t have time to be frustrated, because Bobby was instructing him to assist with other patients and he had a job to do. 
(Two jobs, if he counted protecting Eddie from himself.) 
___________________________
The front door to Eddie's apartment slammed and Buck could see the tension jerk at Eddie’s shoulders. 
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Buck questioned. 
“There wasn’t anything to tell, Buck,” Eddie said stubbornly. Buck would have smacked him if he wasn’t so worried. 
“Nothing to tell, huh?” He held up his hand and counted off his fingers as he listed off, “You had a presumed heart attack and were sent by ambulance to the hospital. Turns out it was a panic attack and when asked if there were any stressors lately, you lied to the doctor about getting shot—”
“I didn’t lie, I—”
Eddie stopped himself when Buck’s glare narrowed even further. 
“Your son had to tell the doctor that you were shot,” Buck corrected. Eddie pressed his lips together, unwilling to argue. “You almost have another panic attack on a scene and tell approximately no one only have a full-blown meltdown on a helicopter that’s hanging on by a thread in the middle of a rescue. Am I missing anything?” Buck asked, though it was clear he wasn’t looking for an answer. 
“I’m fine—” Eddie began. 
Buck waltzed up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him as hard as he could while still being aware of the bullet hole-shaped scar left behind from those few months ago. The scar that might have physically stayed on Eddie, but lingered in the back of Buck’s mind every single day. 
“You’re not fine, Eddie! You almost died and you’re sitting here like life goes on and nothing has changed.” 
“Nothing has. It was a panic attack, not another near-death experience.” 
“You say another like it’s a normal occurrence in people’s lives,” Buck exclaimed. “It’s not! It’s not normal for people to get shot and survive—not once, but twice. It’s not normal for people to just move on with their lives like they weren’t nearly ended. It’s not normal to carry on like nothing is wrong when something is fucking wrong, Eddie!” 
“Buck, you should take a step back—” 
Buck pushed himself away before Eddie’s hands could press against his shoulders, that thumbprint on his pulse that reminded both of them that they were still there. He leaned against the wall behind him, unable to hold himself up without assistance anymore, and sighed.
“You didn’t tell me,” Buck said, a whisper of admission into the air between them like a secret Buck wasn’t ready to tell. 
“I couldn’t,” Eddie muttered. 
“You couldn’t?” Buck scoffed. “You didn’t trust me? You didn’t want me to exhaust you with my worry? Give me one good reason why you couldn’t tell me!” 
“Because then it’s real, Buck, okay?!” Eddie yelled. He ran his hands through his hair before he pounded a fist against the wall beside him. It would hurt in the morning, that much was obvious by the sound that echoed through the empty room. 
“What?” Buck asked quietly. Eddie breathed deeply like he hadn’t taken in air in months. Buck wasn’t convinced he had. 
“If you don’t know, then I can forget it’s happening. I’m not reminded of that moment where the pain was so great that I couldn’t hold myself up and only trusted myself to reach out to you to pick me back up. I’m not haunted by the fact that I almost made my son an orphan for the third time in his life. If you don’t know, then I can pretend it never happened and move forward.”
“From what, Eddie? You can’t just move forward. You know that,” Buck prodded. 
“Yeah, well, I sure as hell can try .” 
They both paused, taking the moment of silence to breathe, to think, to figure out what was next. 
Eddie made the first move, walking over to where Buck had leaned back against the wall and matched his position. He pressed their shoulders together, his eyes glued to the way Buck’s chest moved up and down slowly, imitating the movement as if he wasn’t sure he would be able to do it himself. 
Buck yearned to reach out and hold him, but instead, he asked the questions that lingered on his mind. 
“When are going to let us—any of us—in? When are you going to let me help you ? When are you going to admit that you’re not okay?” 
Eddie didn’t—couldn’t—answer, but the shake in his shoulders was unmistakable.
As he slid down the wall, Buck followed his every move, wrapping an arm around his waist to ease the fall. When they landed, Eddie pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and let out a gutwrenching sob that had tears bubbling behind Buck’s eyelids. He held them back as best he could because, at that moment, nothing else could matter but Eddie. 
Cries of pain, anguish, fear, every horrible emotion that had been welling up inside of both of them burst from Eddie’s mouth and he fell into Buck for the support he extended. He clawed at the collar of Buck’s shirt, his nails raking against the skin of Buck’s chest, but nothing was as painful as the way Eddie gasped at the breaths that didn’t seem to come as quickly as he needed them to. 
Buck held Eddie’s hand to his heart so he could feel the simple rise and fall of his chest and mimic it again. His other hand grasped at the shirt of Eddie’s back to keep his panic away, his own way of anchoring himself there so he could continue to be the solid weight Eddie needed to push through. 
Every part of them was entangled and Eddie had no choice but to press his face into Buck’s neck. Buck hoped his heartbeat stayed solid enough to remind Eddie they were both still alive, even if it felt like they weren’t. 
“I’ve got you, Eds, I’m here. I won’t let you go, never.” 
It was too much to say, too easy for Eddie to read into the double entendre of his words and Buck selfishly hoped he was too lost in his own mind to realize it. 
But the words or the touch or the steady calmness Buck forced himself into seemed to ease Eddie out of the attack of emotions that surged through him. Little by little, Eddie’s sobs turned to hiccups, his tears turned to trickles, and the white-knuckled grip he had on Buck loosened but didn’t fall. He breathed in time with Buck, his heartbeat slowing to its correct rhythm, and the tremors in his body settled to occasional chills. 
“Buck?” Eddie asked, as if he barely realized what was happening inside of him. 
“I’m here,” Buck reassured. 
Eddie shook his head and when he finally glanced up, all Buck could see was the redness around his eyes and the tear stains that looked too permanent on his skin. 
“I’m not okay,” Eddie admitted— finally —before pressing his face back into Buck’s neck with a whimper like the words were painful to acknowledge out loud.
“Yeah, Eddie, I know.” 
Buck couldn’t resist kissing the top of his head and letting his lips linger for just a second too long. 
“I need your help,” Eddie said, his voice graveled with emotion.
“You’ve got it,” he promised again.
“Yeah, Buck, I know,” Eddie teased because of course, even in his darkest moment, he had to get the last word in and it had to be something full of that sarcastic barrier he protected himself with. 
Buck let him, though, because he figured Eddie knew what his response would be anyway. 
44 notes · View notes
hotshotsxyz · 4 years ago
Text
4x13 Coda
(read it on AO3)
Buck hears the shot in a distant sort of way. It doesn't register until Eddie jerks forward from the impact, his blood spraying. And even when it does, Buck's frozen. He's helpless to do anything but watch the confusion in Eddie's eyes shift slowly to horror. Their gazes meet and Buck is breathless. A moment later Eddie crumples to the ground and Buck wants to scream but he can't. He can't move, can't think, can't anything. And then he's being thrown to the ground, too.
He finds Eddie's eyes again and can't look away. Eddie reaches for him and his heart shatters. There's a weight on Buck's back, but it's shock that's pinning him down. He's screaming at himself to do something! But it's like he's encased in amber, stuck in the moment that he realized what had happened. Eddie's eyes slip closed and the moment shatters.
"Eddie! Eddie!" Buck screams.
He tears himself away from Captain Mehta's hold and crawls beneath the firetruck towards him. He aches to run straight to Eddie's side, but the gunshots are still coming and he'll be no good to Eddie dead. He waits until he hears another shot ping off the truck, then dashes out and pulls Eddie back as fast as he can. Another bullet tears into the pavement beside them, but miraculously they both make it under the truck without additional injury.
Eddie's breathing, but his pulse is fluttery and weak. Buck wastes no time tearing his shirt open so he can get to the wound.
"You're gonna be okay, Eddie, I promise," Buck mutters. "You've just got to stay with me, okay?"
There's so much blood. It coats his hands and Eddie's chest. Buck worries it's more than Eddie can afford to lose. He puts pressure on the entry and exit wounds, but there's not much else he can do without any equipment.
Eddie's eyes flutter open.
"Hey, hey, there you are," Buck says franticly. "Stay with me, Eds."
"-uck?" Eddie slurs.
"I'm here, Eddie, I'm here, I've got you. I just need you to stay awake for me, okay?"
"Hurts."
"I know, I'm sorry," Buck says. "But you have to stay awake, do you understand?"
"'M trying," Eddie says, but Buck can already tell it's a losing battle.
"Can someone get me a med kit?" he yells.
"We're pinned down!" someone shouts back. "PD is two minutes out!"
"That's not good enough!" Buck roars.
"Buck," Eddie says, eyes suddenly clearer.
"Eddie, you're gonna be okay," Buck repeats.
"Tell
 Chris – "
"Tell him yourself!" Buck says. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes.
"I love him," Eddie forces out.
"He knows," Buck says softly. "But you're going to tell him again, anyway."
"You
 you'll take care of him?" Eddie asks.
The blood is flowing, too much for his stained hands to stop. Too much, too fast. "Until you get better, Eds, yeah, I will." Tears are streaming down Buck's face now, but he doesn't care.
"Good," Eddie says breathlessly. "That's
" his eyes slip shut again.
"No! Eddie, no! Come on, stay awake, stay with me. I can't, I – " Buck stares at his hands. It isn't enough. He isn't enough. Eddie's going to die here, and it'll be his fault. He drops his face against Eddie's blood slick chest and lets out a sob.
Suddenly there are hands on both of them, pulling them from beneath the truck. Two paramedics that Buck doesn't recognize are rolling Eddie onto a backboard, and Buck finds himself frozen again.
"If you're coming with us, hurry up!" One of the paramedics yells. He runs after her, catching Eddie's hand as he falls in step with the gurney.
They pile into the ambulance and it takes off at a breakneck pace. One of the paramedics wipes the blood from Eddie's chest to attach electrodes while the other packs the wounds with gauze and prepares to run a line. Buck's helpless to do anything but watch. It feels like the first moments after the bullet tore through Eddie's shoulder all over again.
Buck's sense of time must warp, because they're at the hospital in what feels like seconds instead of minutes. There's a flurry of activity, then Eddie's gone.
Covered in Eddie's blood and slumped in a waiting room chair is how Bobby finds him. Buck's not sure how much time has passed, but the blood on his hands is drying even as his eyes don't.
"Bobby," Buck whispers. He's sure his expression is stricken.
Bobby pulls him to his chest, mindless of the blood. "Captain Mehta called me," he says. "He told me what happened.
"Eddie," Buck says, thankful for the excuse not to look Bobby in the eye. "He- he-" Buck can't get the words out.
"It's okay, Buck, I know," Bobby says.
"It's not okay! Bobby, there was so much blood. T-too much." The tears are falling in earnest now and there's nothing Buck can use to wipe them away because his hands are covered in Eddie's blood and so is his shirt. "I couldn't stop it, Bobby," he whispers brokenly.
"You did everything you could," Bobby says. "Everything. When Eddie pulls through, it'll be because of you."
"If," Buck says dully.
"You can't think like that."
"I can't lose him, Bobby," the desperate words are torn from his chest.
"I know," Bobby says, and Buck thinks that maybe he really does.
Bobby holds him silently for another few minutes as he cries before finally pulling back a little. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay? I brought a spare shirt from the station."
Buck follows him wordlessly to the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and blanches. He's covered in Eddie's blood, even more than he'd thought. It's sprayed across his face, and there's even more caking his forehead. His shirt is soaked too, and not an inch of the skin on his hands is visible. He feels like he's going to be sick.
Scratch that, he is going to be sick. Buck darts to one of the toilets and empties the contents of his stomach into the bowl. He dry heaves twice more before his body seems willing to let him stand. He returns to the sink and carefully avoids meeting his own gaze in the mirror.
The water runs red.
"Christopher," Buck says suddenly, once he and Bobby have returned to the waiting room. There's still blood under his nails and spatters of it on his pants, but the worst of it was washed down the drain. "I have to call Carla."
"Do you want me to?" Bobby asks.
Buck shakes his head. "It has to be me," he says. He pulls out his phone and shakily dials the familiar number to Eddie's house.
"Carla," he says as soon as the ringing stops, not waiting for her to say anything.
"Buck, what's wrong?"
He scrubs a hand across his face. "It's bad, Carla," he says shakily. "Don't turn on the news, okay? Chris doesn't need to see this. He – I have to be the one to tell him, okay?"
"Buck, what happened?" Carla asks, more insistent this time.
"It's
 Eddie was shot," he says finally.
"Oh, god, is he
" Carla trails off. Yeah, Buck wouldn't want to say it out loud either.
"We're at the hospital," he says. "Eddie's in surgery. I don’t
 it'll probably be awhile before we get an update."
"Oh, Buck," she says softly.
"Just don't tell him yet, okay? Let me do it."
"Okay sweetie," she says. "Do you have someone with you?"
"Bobby's here."
"Good," Carla says. She pauses for a moment, as if deciding whether or not she wants to say something else. "Are you okay?" she asks finally.
Buck chuckles humorlessly. "I'll text you if there's an update," he says, then hangs up the phone. He's probably going to regret that later, but he can't think about himself right now or he'll fall to pieces, and he can't afford that.
The rest of the team joins them in the lobby. Hen wordlessly presses a coffee into Buck's hands and Chim claps him on the shoulder. He's numb to it all but he nods his thanks anyway.
The minutes drag, but the hours go by far too quickly with no word about Eddie's condition. It had been morning when
 ithappened, but it's quickly approaching late afternoon. Buck promised Eddie he'd take care of Chris, and that's exactly what he's going to do, but it will kill him if he has to leave this waiting room without knowing Eddie's fate.
Finally, though, a doctor steps through the waiting room door and calls, "family of Edmundo Diaz?"
Buck's out of his chair like lightning. "I'm his proxy," he says breathlessly. He sees Hen and Chim exchange surprised looks out of the corner of his eye but pays them no mind. "Evan Buckley?" His own name comes out like a question.
"Right, Mr. Buckley," the doctor says. "Mr. Diaz lost a great deal of blood. The bullet broke a fragment off his scapula which nicked his axillary artery. The surgery was touch and go, but ultimately a success. With significant rest, fluids, and a round of antibiotics, and barring any complications, we expect Mr. Diaz to make a full recovery."
Buck sags in relief, feeling like his strings have been cut. "Thank you," he says, infusing the words with as much gratitude as he possibly can.
"You're welcome, Mr. Buckley. We'll be transferring him to a recovery room within the hour, and you can see him then, although it will probably be at least a few hours before he wakes up. A nurse will come and get you."
Buck wants to say something else, thank the doctor again, maybe, but all he can do is nod. The doctor claps him on the shoulder, then leaves. Buck returns to his team, all of whom have stood in anticipation.
"He's going to be okay," Buck says. His eyes begin to water all over again, but it doesn't matter as his family wraps him in their arms. "He's okay," he whispers again, this time just to himself.
Buck texts Carla the news, then calls Pepa and Abuela to tell them. He feels a little guilty for not having called them earlier, but at least now they won't have to worry unnecessarily. They both promise to get there as soon as possible, despite Buck's protestations about the dangers of the hospital.
Pepa arrives just as the nurse tells Buck he can see Eddie. He looks between the two of them, torn.
"Go," Pepa says, making the decision for him. "He needs you. I'll have your friends update me."
Buck darts in for a quick hug. "Thank you," he says.
Seeing Eddie unconscious in a hospital bed feels so wrong, but it's so much better than it could have been. Buck let's out a sob of relief and collapses into the chair next to the bed. With little hesitation, he clasps Eddie's hand in his own.
"I can't even get mad at you for this one," Buck says, letting out a watery chuckle. "You always manage to end up in the hospital going the extra mile for a kid, though, don't you? Too damn heroic for your own good."
Buck brings Eddie's hand to his forehead and closes his eyes.
"Thank you," he says softly. "I know you fought to stay with me. Us."
He doesn't say much after that, just holds Eddie's hand until the sun begins to sink in the sky outside the window. Finally, he stands. Buck loathes to release Eddie's hand, but he made a promise.
"I'll be back as soon as I can," he says, another promise he plans on making good on.
When he gets to Eddie's house, Carla immediately wraps him in a hug. Buck wants to collapse in it, to fall to pieces, but he can't. Instead, he whispers a soft assurance to her, then goes to find Christopher.
"Buck!" Christopher exclaims brightly, and Buck's heart breaks all over again.
"Hey, Superman," he says roughly, kneeling to give him a hug.
"What are you doing here?" he asks. "Are we having a movie night?"
"We can watch a movie if you want. But first I've got to tell you something."
Christopher must hear something in his voice, because he frowns and asks, "What's wrong?"
"Your dad
" Buck wants to throw up again. "
 is not coming home tonight."
"What happened?"
Buck can't lie to him, but he can't tell him the whole truth either. "Your dad got hurt on a call. It was pretty bad, but the doctors at the hospital fixed it. He's going to be alright, but I'm going to take care of you until he feels better, okay?"
Christopher sniffs. "When Mommy went to the hospital
" he says quietly.
Buck pulls him in for another hug, running his hand through Christopher's hair. "It's not going to be like that, buddy, I promise. Your dad's going to come home."
Carla stays long enough to make sure Buck eats something and takes a shower, then leaves with a promise to come back in the morning so that Buck can return to the hospital. He wishes he could bring Christopher with him, but it's just not safe.
Putting Christopher to bed is a familiar routine, but doing it with the knowledge that Eddie's not in the next room over or on his way home from a date feels wrong. Chris is subdued, and Buck knows he is too. Still, though, he reads him a story and makes sure he has his favorite stuffed animal before tucking him in and kissing his forehead.
"I love you, Buck," Christopher says.
"I love you, too, kid."
He turns off the light but leaves the door cracked so the hall light can spill in. He knows he should sleep on the couch, but hell, he's already stolen a pair of Eddie's sweats and an old army t-shirt to sleep in. What's a bed in comparison?
Buck slides beneath the covers and top sheet and buries his head in Eddie's pillow, breathing in deeply. The smell is familiar and comforting and altogether not enough, and for the first time since this morning, Buck allows himself to break. He sobs into the pillow until finally, sleep claims him.
Buck wakes to a knock at the door. He assumes it's Carla, so he slides out of bed and goes to answer it, making a quick pit stop to check on a still sleeping Christopher first. He opens the door and –
It's not Carla.
The woman at the door is beautiful and carrying what looks to be a bag of pastries and two coffees. Her face, currently wearing a surprised expression, is vaguely familiar, but it takes Buck a minute to place.
"Shit," he says, eyes widening when he finally figures out who she is. "You're Ana."
"I am," she says. "And you are?"
"God, I'm sorry, come in," he steps back to allow her through the door. "I'm Buck."
At that, she smiles. "I've heard so much about you!" she says.
"Ana, I'm sorry, I should have made sure someone called you. I didn't think."
She reads him as easily as everyone else seems to. "What's happened? Where's Eddie?" she asks.
Buck tells her. She's the picture of a perfectly worried girlfriend, collected but concerned, fingers resting across her lips.
"Do you want me to stay with Christopher?" she asks when he's done.
Buck shakes his head. "I promised I'd be here. Go see him," he says. "I'm sure he'll want you there."
She nods, then hands him one of the coffees along with the pastry bag. "Take these then," she says. "I'm sure you could use them more than me."
Buck thanks her, and then she's gone. He sags against the wall.
A few hours later, after Christopher's up and has eaten breakfast and Carla's arrived, Buck heads back to the hospital. He was torn between staying and going, but then he'd gotten a text from Bobby telling him Eddie was awake and Carla and Chris insisted he go.
His palms are sweaty when he arrives, and he wipes them on his borrowed jeans, stolen from Eddie's closet. He's nervous, although he doesn't know why. He finds Bobby and Abuela in the waiting room.
"How is he?" Buck asks immediately.
"Okay, thanks to you I hear," Abuela replies.
"I didn't do anything," Buck says looking at the ground.
"Don't go saying that to him," Abuela says. "He'll pull his stitches trying to smack some sense into you."
Bobby places a hand on his shoulder. "You saved him, Buck."
Buck aims a watery smile at them both. "Is Ana with him?" he asks.
"She left a few minutes ago," Bobby answers. "Go see him."
"Don't one of you want – "
Abuela pats him on the arm. "Go, nieto, he needs you."
"Thank you," Buck says earnestly.
Eddie seems to be sleeping when Buck gets to his room, so he knocks gently on the door frame. His eyes flutter open and Buck has to stop himself from audibly gasping. It's the first time he's seen them since they were under that firetruck.
"Eddie," he whispers.
"You just gonna stand in the doorway?" Eddie teases gently.
Buck could cry. He takes three large strides across the room, then wraps Eddie in the gentlest hug he can manage. Eddie stiffens for a moment then relaxes, carding his free hand through Buck's hair. "I'm okay," he promises.
"I know," Buck says, speaking past the lump in his throat. "I just had to see for myself." He releases Eddie and sinks into the same chair from before. Immediately, he feels cold.
Eddie stares at him for a few seconds, brow furrowed. "Is that my shirt?" he asks finally.
Buck snorts. "Well, mine didn't quite make it through yesterday, and I spent the night at your place, so yeah, I helped myself."
"Looks good on you," Eddie says. Buck raises an eyebrow. He must still be on the good drugs.
"How are you feeling?" Buck asks.
"A little surprised, to be honest," Eddie says. "Probably still in shock, too. How's Christopher doing?"
"He's okay," Buck replies. "He wanted to come to the hospital, but I convinced him to stay with Carla instead. We owe him a phone call, though."
"Thank you for taking care of him," Eddie says.
"You know I'd do anything for that kid."
"I do." There's a strange look in his eyes, one that Buck can't quite place. "I broke up with Ana," he says after a few beats of silence.
"What? Why?" Buck asks.
"Something Carla said a few days ago. It kind of clicked when I was bleeding out on the pavement."
Buck sucks in a sharp breath. "Eddie – "
"Sorry, sorry, I know I shouldn't joke. I don't really remember most of it. Just hitting the ground and seeing you." He gets a far away look on his face and Buck takes his hand to ground him.
"It's okay, Eds, you don't have to talk about it."
"I do have to thank you, though."
"You really don't," Buck says.
"You saved me."
"I nearly lost you."
Eddie squeezes his hand. "I kinda feel like we've had this conversation before."
Buck chuckles wetly. "I guess we kinda have."
"Then you know how it ends." Eddie fixes him with a meaningful look, pinning him with his gaze. Buck couldn't look away if he wanted to.
"Yeah, I do," Buck whispers.
"Good," Eddie says.
This isn't over, Buck knows. There will be doctors appointments and physical therapy and probably a whole mess of PTSD to deal with, not to mention a shooter who's still at large. But sitting here, holding Eddie's hand, the unspoken promise of a future hanging heavy between them, Buck thinks that for once, everything might just turn out okay.
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doeeyeseddie · 4 years ago
Text
coda/missing scene to 4x05 because i, once again, had too many feelings. read on ao3
Eddie Diaz is good at compartmentalizing. He’s great at it, at putting his emotions in a box and locking it to focus on the task at hand. Needs to be good at it to be able to do his job, be it in the army or now, as a firefighter. He doesn’t get to panic when one of his coworkers is in danger.
He still nearly loses it when he and Bobby hear that Buck’s still in the factory.
It’s not a surprise, not really - of course Buck disobeyed a direct order to make sure every last person gets out alive, and of course he doesn’t think about himself. It’s one of the things Eddie loves him for. But the sheer terror of hearing Buck explain over the radio that there’s no way out almost overrides his training. Almost.
For a second, he’s ready to run right back in, on his own if he has to, to find Buck and get him out, somehow, he has to-
Then Buck is on the radio, alive, still okay, and the incident commander tells him that a rescue team is coming in to find them, and Eddie forces himself to stay calm and focused, to be of help where he can be the most useful. And then the factory blows behind them.
Chimney, Hen, Cap, him, they all spin around in shock and Eddie can just stare at the balls of fire and the smoke billowing, feeling paralyzed. The rational part of his brain is already clocking that it wasn’t the whole factory, probably just one of the tanks full of flammable gas, and probably not anywhere near where Buck is, even though he didn’t seem sure about where that was over the radio. His heart, hammering against his ribs, takes a little longer to catch up and Eddie has to press his shaking hands against his thighs for a second.
He’s got himself under control by the time they’re being sent in.
Outside of the factory, he can’t bring himself to look at Buck for too long. He’s over by an ambulance with Bobby, having been checked over quickly, and the look on his face is something Eddie doesn’t quite know how to deal with. But he’s got Bobby there, and Hen, so Eddie has to trust he’ll be fine.
He and Chim checked the victim over, giving him oxygen and getting him ready to be transported to the hospital. He’ll probably be fine in a few weeks, the smoke inhalation shouldn’t have caused lasting damage, and his leg is clearly broken but not crushed. Buck saved his life.
“Tell your friend,” Saleh says on a cough, gripping Eddie’s arm after they’ve moved him onto the ambulance, “thank you. Thank you.”
“I’ll tell him,” Eddie promises, fixing the oxygen mask over his face again. “Breathe.”
They ride in the back of the ambulance mostly in silence, checking Saleh’s vitals and focusing all of their energy on him.
It’s only on the way back to the station that Chimney says, “So that was a bit too close for comfort, huh?”
Eddie lets out a humourless laugh. “You could say that.”
“You think he should’ve been working today?”
“I think,” Eddie says slowly, “that he needed to not be alone with his thoughts today. And I don’t think he could’ve done his job any better today.”
“Yeah, no, he did everything right,” Chimney says hurriedly, “that’s not what I meant. I just...worry about him.”
Eddie looks at his drawn eyebrows and hunched shoulders and thinks about the way Chimney has been acting around Buck for the past few days, like he’s walking on eggshells, careful but ready to jump to his defence at any time, and knows he’s being honest. “Yeah, me too.”
The way Buck called himself spare parts, defective parts this morning is still echoing in his head. He didn’t know what to say or do to make Buck feel better, still doesn’t. Whenever he’s tried to talk about any of it for the past few days, Buck has been quick about brushing him off, with humor or sometimes anger, though that was always directed at his parents and never at Eddie.
He gets it, is the thing, knows all too well what it’s like to keep things to himself, to not want to talk to anyone about them. He just didn’t know what it’s like on the other side of things. All he wants is for Buck to know that none of this is on him, that his parents are the one who fucked up and didn’t do their job. A job that should be the easiest in the world. Eddie knows how easy it is to love your child unconditionally. He also knows how easy it is to love Buck.
One day soon, he’s gonna find a way to prove to Buck how loved he is. If that means coming clean to him about his feelings, then so be it - he’s been thinking about it for so long now that he’s pretty sure Buck wouldn’t ever leave him and Chris, even if he can’t reciprocate Eddie’s feelings. Buck deserves to hear that someone loves him for him.
Back at the station, Eddie showers and changes into a clean uniform, and when he’s walking up the stairs, Buck’s parents are there. He knows it’s them immediately and catches Hen’s eyes across the room, her eyebrows raised.
“Is Buck back yet?” he asks her, voice low as he sits down on the couch next to her.
She shakes her head. “Bobby went to the hospital with him, just to make sure he’s really fine. I don’t think he knows they’re here.”
Eddie looks over at them, and has to press his hands to his thighs again at the sudden rush of hatred that he feels for these people. He doesn’t want to imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, but it gives them no excuse to treat their living, breathing children the way they did. The way Buck has been acting these past few days is their fault, it’s their fault he’s been feeling like he wasn’t enough his whole life, and Eddie hates them for it.
“Has anyone talked to them?”
“Chim did, when they came in,” Hen says, “and I kind of wanna give them a piece of my mind. You look like you do, too.”
Eddie gives her a wry smile. “That obvious?”
Hen scrunches her nose and gives him a kind smile. “Yeah. I can’t imagine ever treating my children like that. And I think they should know what they’re missing out on with Buck.”
Eddie couldn’t agree more, and before he knows it, he’s pushing himself up from the couch and walking over to them.
They both look up with matching expressions of polite confusion, and Eddie grits his teeth and sits down without asking.
“Mr and Mrs Buckley?” he asks. “I’m Eddie Diaz, I work with your son.”
“Do you know where he is?” Mrs Buckley asks. “Howard said he didn’t know.”
Depending on when Chimney talked to them, that’s probably even true, but Eddie wouldn’t hold it against him if he was just trying to get away from his parents-in-law as quickly as possible. “He’s at the hospital.”
“Oh, what did he do now?” Mr Buckley’s voice sounds long-suffering, as if his son being in the hospital is a nuisance more than anything else.
“His job,” Eddie bites out. “He did his job and saved someone’s life tonight. Do you even know the kind of man your son is? He goes above and beyond for everyone. He risks his life to save others - did you know he saved dozens of people during the tsunami, including my son, while he wasn’t even a firefighter? Of course you didn’t. He shows up for his friends time and time again and he puts everyone else before himself. He’s a good man, a great man, something he certainly didn’t learn from you-”
There’s a hand on his shoulder and he cuts off, the sudden silence making him aware of how loud his voice has gotten, and he looks up at Hen, almost expecting her to tell him to shut up, but she’s looking at Buck’s parents with narrowed eyes.
“With all due respect,” she says, and Eddie has never heard her voice like this, this hard and cold, “but Buck deserves better than what he got from you. He’s not just a valued member of this station, he’s family. I’m happy to tell you some stories about him, if you’re interested in hearing them, because I agree with Eddie that you should at least know what kind of person he has become in spite of you.”
Mr and Mrs Buckley look almost chastised, speechless, and Hen drops into the chair next to Eddie. His hands are shaking again and Eddie doesn’t think he can sit here with them any longer, certainly doesn’t have any nice things to say to them, so he decides to let Hen handle it from here on. She’s clearly got it under control.
Wordlessly, he stands up and goes downstairs to wait for Buck instead.
When Bobby parks the car, Eddie spreads his arms expectantly, relief flooding his veins when he announces that Buck got a clean bill of health from the doctor.
“Glad to hear it,” he says, but can’t help giving Buck a once-over just to make sure for himself. He’s also showered and wearing a clean uniform, looking miles better than earlier, but there’s still that sadness around his eyes and mouth that Eddie hates.
“Show off,” he teases him as Bobby rushes off, and Buck smiles at him.
“I had to do it.”
All Eddie wants is to go up to him and pull him into his arms to keep him safe from the world, but this is neither the time or the place. Instead, he just puts as much of that feeling as he can in his smile and tells Buck, “I know you did.” Then, a little reluctantly, he nods his head towards the stairs. “You’ve got some visitors.”
Buck leaves with one last look, a frown on his face, and Eddie watches him go. No matter how this conversation is going to go, Buck has a lot of shit to work through.
First and foremost, he needs to talk to Maddie because Eddie knows how much they love each other and how miserable this situation is making them both. And then he’ll need to start believing that they love him - Maddie, the whole crew, Christopher. Eddie. That he’s worth that love. And Eddie will do everything in his power to make him believe that.
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mattzerella-sticks · 3 years ago
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Buddies, 7.3k words, T, (pre-Eddie/Buck, gay!Eddie, coming out)
(ao3)
After Eddie was shot, there were two big things he had to deal with - recovery, and the near-death realization that he was gay. The latter of which proved more difficult of the two. But as his recovery was aided by a physical therapist, Eddie also found someone to help him come to terms with his sexuality and find acceptance. Eddie wouldn't know where he'd be if Michael hadn't taken him under his wing.
However, the consequences of a failed date - encouraged by Michael - lead to something Eddie didn't think he'd be facing so soon. Coming out to his teammates. Will Eddie find the strength within himself to push through his fears? It shouldn't be too hard... right?
           It’s too stifling for a fall morning in Los Angeles, Eddie thought, as he hopped out of the fire engine and sweat immediately dampened the collar of his jacket. He tugged on the fabric, huffing a tired breath through clenched teeth as he trotted after his teammates. Eddie soon fell into step beside Buck as Bobby began directing them where they were needed along the highway pileup. “Hen, Chim, attend to the drivers who are already outside their vehicles,” Bobby ordered, waving at the few bystanders leaning against cars and cradling different parts of their body, like arms and heads and one visibly bloody side with blood leaking through pale fingertips. Hen and Chimney immediately hurried there before the woman fainted from blood loss. Then, Bobby points at the two smoking cars fused together feet away. “Buck, Eddie, I want you to check on the drivers in each car and assess the damage. If you can get the occupants out safely, you have permission to do so.”
           They nodded, Buck’s face stretching with a grin as he locked eyes with Eddie. “We got this, don’t we Eds?”
           Eddie’s heart skipped at the nickname, and he blamed it on the weather. He blamed the warmth pooling in his cheeks, no doubt tinting his cheeks, on that, too. “Course we do.” He followed Buck towards the wreckage, asking, “Which one are you checking?”
           “I’ll handle the Corvette,” Buck said, “always wanted to have my hands on one, anyway.”
           “Guess that leaves me with the mini-van
”
           Buck shrugged, splitting off wordlessly to inspect the red sports car that, in this moment, resembled an empty beer can littering the floor of a house party. You get what you pay for, in the end. Eddie stifled his giggle, sobering to a more serious expression as he rounds the other, less-damaged, car. He found a young girl behind the wheel, staring straight ahead while white knuckling the steering wheel. An older woman sat in the passenger seat, knocked unconscious by the collision. He wasn’t worried too much, however, aware of the deflated air bags blanketing their laps. Eddie knocked on the door, “LAFD! Are you able to lower the window?”
           He startled the driver from her trance, shaky hands finally releasing the wheel and whipping to her face. She sobbed through her hands, a muffled sound that tugged on Eddie’s heartstrings.
           Eddie knocked again, softer, until she looked at him. He tapped the window slowly, “Can you lower this?”
           She choked on a breath, chest heaving underneath her safety strap as she did what Eddie asked.
           “Hey,” he began, reaching inside to click the safety off, “my name is Eddie Diaz. What’s yours?”
           “Ol-Olivia
” she stuttered, wiping at tears that continued to fall no matter how hard she scrubbed her eyes, “I’m
 oh God, I’m so sorry.”
           Eddie unbuckled her seatbelt, checking for any cuts or abrasions because of it. The skin around her neck seemed red and tender from impact, a possible burn, but that was the extent of the damage there. “It’s okay,” he assured her, cradling Olivia’s head in his hands to better assess her injuries. There were scrapes and bruises there, dried blood crusting around her nose. Nothing that screamed ‘emergency’. “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
           She sucked in a deep breath, then launched into her story. Eddie listened, running through a mental checklist while she rambled. “I’d gotten my learner’s permit a few months ago,” Olivia explained, “and I’m supposed to go for my driving test in a few months, for my birthday. In the meantime, I’ve been practicing all I can and I
 and I thought I was ready for the highway. I mean, it’s not parallel parking, so I thought it couldn’t be that hard. But my mom thought I wasn’t ready and I
 I didn’t listen and – oh, oh no! My mom -!”
           “Is okay,” he told Olivia, keeping her eyes on him and preventing any further sudden movement. “I promise.” Eddie surreptitiously scanned Olivia’s mother between beats of her story, noting the subtle rise and fall of her chest. “Is that how you got into the accident? Fighting with your mom?”
           “Well, partly,” Olivia explained, “I
” She hesitated, biting her lip and causing a few more blood droplets to leak past the cut there. Eddie waited, running his hands below the dashboard to check for any strain or damage from the crash that might make extraction difficult. There wasn’t any he felt. “It’s so embarrassing,” she muttered.
           “It’s okay,” Eddie said, smiling, “You wouldn’t believe the kind of calls me and my team have rushed to. I’m sure whatever happened can’t be as embarrassing as a woman stuck in a window because she tried throwing her poop out when the toilet wouldn’t flush.”
           That encouraged a tiny laugh from Olivia, and soon her earlier nerves from the crash disappeared. “I guess
” she sighed, dabbing at drying tear stains with her hoodie sleeve, “I was doing an okay job driving. Better than either I or my mom figured. But then this huge truck barreled by in such a rush that it shook the car and I freaked. I started screaming, and so did my mom, and I didn’t notice that we started drifting and
 ugh, I felt like Cher, y’know? From that movie Clueless?”
           Eddie blinked at her. “You know what Clueless is?”
           “It’s a good movie,” she defended, “Plus that’s like
 peak Paul Rudd. Although current Paul Rudd is also peak Paul Rudd
 he’s really cute for an old guy.”
           He mostly agreed with her, only offended by her closing remark. Paul Rudd isn’t old.
           Paul’s ageless.
           Eddie stood at his full height, backing away to give Olivia space. “You think you can step out of this vehicle on your own?” She shifted, slowly freeing one leg and then the other. Olivia tried exiting, except stumbled after the second foot left the car. Eddie caught her, easing her to the ground. From the corner of his eye, he saw Hen and Chimney approach. “You’re very lucky Olivia,” he said, “you had a great car that shielded you and your mom from some pretty serious damage. My friends are gonna help you two out now. You don’t have to tell them everything, but be sure to answer all their questions and if there’s any pain, okay?”
           “Okay.”
           “Good.” Eddie rose to greet Hen and Chimney, quickly combing through all he learned during his short time with Olivia, stressing the most important pieces of information. “I still have to get her mother out of the passenger side,” he said, jerking his thumb at the car, “once I do that I can carry her to the ambulance so you can do your thing –“
           “Sorry Eddie,” Bobby interrupted, clapping him on the shoulder, “I’m gonna need your help with the other driver.”
           “That bad?”
           “It’s an older car, made with metal instead of plastic,” he said, “guy’s wedged in there pretty tight, cut up, too. And there’s a glass shard running right into his shoulder blade.” Bobby turned to Hen and Chimney, “Once you’re done here we’ll need you on standby to help us. No telling how much blood he’s lost so far, or if there’s any trauma below his waist.”
           “No problem Cap,” Chimney said, “We’re almost done here. Hen, why don’t you go with Eddie and Bobby while I see to Olivia’s mom?”
           “Sounds like a plan to me.”
           “Great,” Bobby led them to the other side of the wreckage, Buck absent from the scene. “He’s getting the jaws,” he told Eddie and Hen. Then, once they’ve reached the Corvette’s driver’s side, Bobby yelled into the open, broken, window, “Sir? Sir, can you hear me? Are you still with us?”
           The man groaned a few indecipherable syllables Eddie couldn’t hope to piece together. He exchanged a short glance with Hen, who appeared similarly unsure. Bobby, meanwhile, continued his one-sided conversation as they waited for Buck to arrive with the jaws.
           “Coming in hot!” he yelled, lugging the jaws over his shoulders, “Where you want me, Cap?”
           “Let’s start with the door,” he motioned Buck closer, pointing at the hinge. “Eddie, grab the middle. I’ll get this side. When Buck snips this free, we’ll gently lower it down and let Hen get in there.”
           “Copy that.” Eddie readied himself, crouching into position. He laid his hands atop the car door, small glass shards crunching under his gloves as his fingers curled. Buck and Bobby talked over his head, working to line up the jaws correctly. During this, Eddie chanced a peek inside at the driver.
           The face he saw, staring back at him, nearly knocked him off his feet.
           Fitting, as that was how it felt when Michael showed him his picture while convincing Eddie to go on a blind date.
           “He works with David at the hospital,” Michael told him, passing his phone over so Eddie would see what David’s co-worker, Dr. Brendan Carmichael, looked like. In the picture Michael found, a selfie from Instagram, Eddie learned more than he needed. That beside the bright, orange hair and freckles splattered across his face like someone flicked a paintbrush over his skin, he also maintained a very strict gym regimen which kept his abs in perfect condition. Eddie’s thumb hovered over the midsection Brendan revealed, careful not to like it on Michael’s account. “He broke up with his last boyfriend a few months ago, and only recently started talking about dating again,” he continued, Eddie tearing his gaze away from the phone to better listen, “David mentioned you, how you were wanting to date again, too, and Brendan’s interested in setting something up. Only question is
 are you?”
           It was something Eddie was working himself up to. After breaking things off with Ana during his recovery, and Buck’s focus divided further because of Taylor, Eddie found periods where he was all alone with only his thoughts as company. Because of this, it was harder and harder for him to ignore certain stuff he’d pushed to the back of his mind and crammed into a tiny closet. Namely, his utter sexual indifference to women.
           Almost dying for the umpteenth time put Eddie’s life into perspective.
           He wouldn’t know if the next near-death call might finally succeed where others hadn’t, and Eddie realized how awful it’d be to go without following his heart.
           So he followed it all the way to Michael’s. Eddie knocked on his door late one evening, a fifth of whiskey in his veins dulling the voices shouting how this was stupid, how he and Michael were acquaintances at best and strangers at worst. Then, once Michael invited him inside his empty apartment, Eddie vomited his epiphanies until Michael set his shaking frame down on the couch and forced a glass of water down his throat.
           Since then, Michael had taken on the role as Eddie’s gay sponsor. Michael guided Eddie to a point where he could see his reflection and say ‘gay’ while smiling. He also pushed at the fear that still clung to Eddie, urging him to experience new things, like with this blind-date.
           “I don’t know,” he said, “he does look
 really, really nice.” Admitting that never felt like pulling teeth with pliers anymore, thanks to Michael. “I’m just
 not sure.”
           “What aren’t you sure about?”
           “I don’t know,” he shrugged, “I
 I guess it’s nerves. I’ve never done this before, you know. Is there anything I should know? That makes it different than a date with a woman?”
           Michael shot him a flat look, snatching his phone back. “A date is a date. There’s nothing different about it because it’s with another man. Well
 except for when the check comes, and you have to bare-knuckle brawl in the kitchen to decide who gets to pay.” Eddie returned the favor, brows leveling at his friend. Michael chuckled, “Seriously, it’s nothing you need to work yourself up about. Go into it like it was any other date. You’ll have fun – and I’m not laying it on. Brendan is a great guy, from what I’ve heard. He’s got charm and face, which is rare. You don’t find men like us in the wild every day.”
           “Men like us?” Eddie parroted, cheeks straining as he fought against the smile threatening to appear.
           “Me,” Michael clarified, grinning freely, “And Chris Hemsworth. That’s it though.”
           “And this Brendan guy,” Eddie added, “if what you’re saying is true.”
           It wasn’t, unfortunately.
           The night started with Brendan arriving late to the restaurant he chose because of its proximity to the hospital, and only further plummeted as it went on. Brendan criticized his choice in dinner, goading him into ordering an even pricier dish that Eddie hadn’t even wanted. Which Eddie then paid for, although he almost was stuck with the entire bill as Brendan assumed Eddie would cover it. It almost made Eddie reconsider Michael’s earlier crack about brawling. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Brendan’s personality rubbed Eddie the wrong way. He was dismissive of Eddie’s career, unsubtly scrolled through his phone during parts of the evening, and seemed entirely uninterested in Christopher to the point that Brendan interrupted any story about him with an unconnected anecdote, derailing the entire conversation. As the waiter left with their credit cards, all Eddie wanted was to put this date in the rearview behind him.
           Except Brendan’s phone died during dessert, and he didn’t drive himself. “If you could give me a ride?” Brendan suggested, slipping a hand behind Eddie’s button-down and petting his chest, “I’d be very grateful
”
           Eddie wished he could say he drove Brendan home without anything happening, that he was a stronger man. But Eddie gave in to curious temptation. He let Brendan guide him to his apartment bed instead of racing back home to fall asleep in an empty house, Christopher staying over at Michael’s with Harry.
           They jerked each other off in the end; a slight comfort over oral and miles above anal. Once Eddie came, he feigned exhaustion and settled in for a sleepless night. He laid in wait for the morning, where he snuck out of Brendan’s apartment as the rising sun filtered past drawn curtains without a word to his date. Eddie did leave a note, promising he would call soon.
           He hadn’t and had no plan to, either.
           Still, here Brendan was.
           “Cutting in three, guys,” Buck yelled. He proceeded to count down; on one, Eddie heard the snip from the jaws and belatedly realized he needed to move. Bobby swung a second before Eddie, and the momentum of the door made Eddie stumble in his haste to lift the door.
           “Eddie,” Bobby huffed, “You good?”
           “Yeah
 yeah,” he nodded, dropping the door on the street at the same time Bobby did. “No need to worry about me.”
           Bobby didn’t believe him, but he stopped questioning Eddie in favor of looming over Hen’s shoulder as she worked on Brendan. Buck leaned against the roof, head ducked inside the cabin, too. Eddie stood apart from the scene as an outlier. He wasn’t sure if it was good to approach. Although, being fully removed meant he wouldn’t know what the other man might say in his condition.
           Only three people knew of his sexuality – Michael, David, and Brendan. Eddie wasn’t ready for that circle to expand.
           Eddie returned, joining the others. He entered to hear Hen finish her line of questioning, her last question prompting Brendan to speak. “The wound on my shoulder is superficial,” he said, gaze unwavering on the side of Eddie’s face. He felt the weight of it, Eddie turned to watch his co-workers instead of Brendan. Bobby’s focus didn’t waver from the crushed dashboard in Brendan’s lap, prodding it in different areas. Buck kept glancing between Eddie and Brendan. “It’s deep, but a clean cut. You can get to that later, because I’m pretty sure there’s something digging into my leg close to my femoral artery.”
           “We’ll get right to it, then,” Hen assured him, “Sounds like you know your stuff, though. You a doctor?”
           Eddie bit his tongue, swallowing his instinctual reply. “Yeah,” Brendan said, “I’m a doctor.”
           “Then that saves us some time.” Hen reached into her bag for a neck brace, placing it around Brendan’s neck while Bobby muttered something to Buck. Buck’s eyes flicked to his briefly before he jogged towards the fire truck. “We’ll have you out of here in no time. Can you tell me where you were headed?”
           “To lunch,” Brendan told her, “We had to push a surgery back a day, and my next one wasn’t until two so I
 I thought I’d treat myself to something nice. I already had back-to-back operations this entire morning.”
           “What were they?”
           “Tumor removals,” he explained, “in the brain. Real delicate work. I’ve probably performed over a hundred by now, but I still can’t shake the jitters each time I enter the theater
” Eddie grimaced, hiding it behind his jacket collar. Yes, he knew about Brendan’s job. Hearing it in this context, on the field and not in a dimly lit restaurant, hit differently; like he cared about his patients and didn’t use his position as a point of status. This was not the Brendan he remembered. Regret churned in Eddie’s gut, mixing with the shame and embarrassment already present.
           “I know what you mean,” Hen smiled. She rubbed around the shoulder wound, cleaning it of dried blood to better inspect it. “You can have it all down to a formula, but you will never be sure what might happen when the time comes.”
           “Exactly.”
           Buck hurried back with new tools in hands. He handed a saw to Bobby, “Where do you want me?”
           “Other side,” Bobby said. He tapped Hen on the shoulder, silently urging her off Brendan. “Sir,” he started, “we’re going to be cutting the dashboard off shortly. Don’t be afraid to talk or shout if you feel any pain, okay?”
           “I understand.”
           “I’ll remove the wheel, first,” Bobby said, slipping a pair of goggles on, “don’t move.” He powered the saw on and, in seconds, removed the wheel. Brendan sagged somewhat, breathing stilted and ragged. “Are you okay?”
           “Yeah...” He coughed, “Think my ribs might be bruised, possibly broken. I don’t
 I think that’s it. Not sure.”
           “You’re talking, so that’s a good sign.” Hen felt around his chest, then held her stethoscope to hear his lungs. “Nothing out of the ordinary here, Cap. Carry on.”
           Bobby, and Buck now, brought their saws to the dashboard and continued cutting. Hen waited, kneeling, holding a bottle of solution and gauze for when it was her turn again. Meanwhile, Eddie uselessly hovered near her. There wasn’t much for him to do.
           That wasn’t true for long.
           Suddenly he was very much needed, Bobby calling for him and motioning Eddie with the saw. He tripped over his feet, “Coming! Coming!” Rushing to help Bobby remove the dashboard that, along with the glass shard, pinned Brendan to his seat. In doing this, Eddie glimpsed the red-stained leather under his leg. “Hen!” he said, “All you.”
           Hen filled the space where the dashboard had been, attending to Brendan’s wound with practiced speed. As Eddie and Bobby returned, she fixed the tourniquet around his thigh and was partway done with wrapping his leg with gauze. And when Buck sidled towards them, she began removing the glass shard in his shoulder. It was much longer than a passing glance would make you believe. “Yikes,” Buck muttered, “You ever think a windshield could do that?”
           “Old cars like these?” Bobby replied, “Anything’s possible.”
           “He’s good for removal!” Hen yelled over her shoulder, kicking her bag a few feet back. She stands, dusting off her knees, “I’ll go get Chimney and the stretcher, be ready to help us set him down once we’re here.”
           “Buck and Eddie’ll handle that,” Bobby said, “I’m gonna do a final sweep of the area, make sure we didn’t miss anything. Copy?”
           “Understood.” Buck knocked shoulders with Eddie, nodding at the car, “Let’s go get the doctor ready for his ride back to work.”
           Eddie bit his cheek, letting silence give a better response than he could at the moment. If Buck found it odd, like Bobby, he didn’t comment on it. They walked to Brendan’s car again, Eddie going through the motions to get him ready for transit. In that short span of seconds, Eddie hoped his luck might keep his secret safe. That Brendan wouldn’t mention their date.
           He knelt down, waiting for Buck’s signal to lift his legs, when he made the mistake of finally meeting Brendan’s stare. Brendan offered him a tired smile. “This is so not how I expected we’d meet again.”
           
Shit.
           Buck stilled, his hands falling to their sides as he looked to Eddie. “You two know each other?”
           Brendan sighed in the affirmative. “Very intimately.”
           “What
” Buck’s face screwed itself into an expression of confusion, the rainbow wheel in his mind spinning endlessly while he processed Brendan’s innuendo.
           Eddie pounced to fill the awkward silence. “We hung out, once,” he told Buck, “Like, a few days ago, I think? Super casual
”
           “Oh –“
           “Oh,” Brendan interjected, darker than earlier. He coughed, voice straining from the force of it, but he wasn’t deterred. “Oh, really? Hanging out
 that’s what you’re calling it?”
           “Uh
” Eddie, taken aback by such an unexpected call out, couldn’t produce more than a few mumbled phrases that didn’t move beyond one syllable nor, when strung together, were comprehensible. Instead he glanced between Brendan and Buck, wasting precious time with silence.
           Brendan, however, formed complete sentences. “So tell me
 since I have you, were you even planning on hanging out with me again, or do you leave all your buddies notes like that?”
           In his anger, Brendan shifted and started angling himself towards Eddie. Buck snapped out of his stupor enough to lay a calming hand on Brendan’s shoulder, “Hey! Hey
 sir, you need to keep still until we move you.”
           “Sorry, sorry
” Brendan relaxed, albeit his glare was still focused on Eddie. Eddie flinched under the weight of it.
           “I
” Eddie tried, very aware of the sound behind him, of wheels rolling over gravel and measured footsteps. “I was trying to be nice?”
           “Nice?” Brendan spat, “Fuck you, Eddie.”
           “Eddie,” Buck inched closer, drawing Eddie’s gaze from Brendan to him. He spoke softly, like Eddie were one of the many victims they attended to during their careers. Eddie also noted the sharp steeple Buck’s brows, drawn together as if he already filled in the missing gaps of Eddie and Brendan’s story. Shit. “Why don’t you let us handle this?”
           “I
” Eddie found breathing as hard as speaking, managing enough foresight to sharply nod before standing and striding away from Brendan’s car. He passed a curious, concerned Bobby, but ignored his calls. Eddie kept himself tightly wound all the way to the engine. Once he entered, he fell apart. Eddie’s vision blurred, his lungs couldn’t hold enough air, and he melted inside his uniform. All he was able to do before completely shutting down was shoot a quick message to Michael.
           Brendn in acidnt fine but h outd me what do
           Eddie’s grip on his phone tightened considerably when he heard the engine doors open again. Buck slid inside, not meeting Eddie’s wide, panicked stare. There were more doors opening, Bobby and other firefighters climbing aboard. “Hen and Chim are taking that guy to the hospital,” Buck said, “Our work here’s done.” He paused, gnawing on his lip, considering saying more while Bobby slowly pulled them onto the road. “What he said
”
           He missed the rest of Buck’s question. His voice dulled as a sharp ringing in Eddie’s head blocked out every sound around him. Eddie sunk into it, comforted in the simpleness of the noise. He pressed himself against the window, arms crossed over his chest, and watched the scenery blur during their drive to the station.
           Then, when they arrived, Eddie flung the door open and his puddled mass in a jacket spilled free of the engine. He stripped off his uniform in a record-setting pace. And, as he finished, Eddie saw Buck steadily approach, Bobby like a shadow behind him. Both wore similar expressions that warned Eddie of conversations he was not ready for. Because of that, Eddie did something he regret. A course of action so damning it spoke louder than any mangled defense he might put together.
           He hid.
           “Stupid
 stupid
” Eddie whacked his phone across his temple, curled into a tight ball outside the building. He snuck through a door in the back, smart enough to not go far but knowing that it’s so rare anyone used this area. It was set aside for the firefighters who smoked, Chimney explained. Those were always a small contingent, never more than one or two per squad. As the years went by, numbers dwindled, and a smoking firefighter became an endangered species. Now, hardly anyone uses this tiny alley that separates the fire house from its adjoining building. Except for Eddie. “I can’t believe I could have such shitty luck
”
           He went to hit himself with his phone again, but a shrill ping cut into his spiraling. Eddie checked his messages – Can I call? It was Michael. He texted back a thumbs up he didn’t mean. Soon his phone shook in his hands.
           Eddie answered, “Hey
”
           “Hi Eddie,” Michael said, tone soft like Buck’s back at the scene. He hated it. Eddie hated how much he wilted because of it, how his nerves started inching away from the edge at the gentle, implied coaxing. “How are you feeling?”
           Eddie barked a short, nasty laugh, wiping beads of sweat off his forehead. “I feel like I’m about to burst into flames.”
           “If you do, at least you’re around people who’ll know what to do.”
           “What if I don’t want them to save me,” Eddie groused, “should I make a break for it before the first spark catches?”
           “Like they wouldn’t race after you
” Michael’s voice trailed, clearly tiptoeing around the words he chose next. “So,” he said, “you ran into Brendan again today?”
           Eddie snorted. “More like some kid ran into his car
” He growled, kneading at his eye with the heel of his hand. “I can’t believe what happened, and how I
 how I froze like that. Seriously, what were the odds?”
           “Pretty fucking low,” Michael told him, “But that’s exactly what it was, shit luck. There’s nothing you could have done to not have what happened, happened.”
           “That’s not true,” he sighed, “I could have not gone on that date with him. Or, at least, not let him talk me into his bed.”
           “He’s a charmer.”
           “I had nothing better going on,” Eddie said. He played his words back in his head, silently cursing how brusque they sounded. Was he really the bad guy in this scenario? Brendan hadn’t seem interested in a relationship during their dinner, and Eddie thought his own feelings were on display, too. Buck always said his poker face had more cracks in it than a busted sidewalk. Maybe the note was unnecessary, he can concede. Eddie can’t rewrite history and destroy it, though. “Besides,” he continued, swatting those past regrets away like flies, “Brendan wasn’t all that charming when he outed me, on top of cursing me out in front of the 118.”
           “Man was in a car accident,” Michael reminded Eddie, “He probably had more to worry about than decorum.” Michael coughed across the line, clearing his throat. “That doesn’t excuse what he did.”
           “Yeah,” he said, “I thought it was, like, gay brotherhood that you’re not supposed to out another gay person
 or whatever.”
           “I
 don’t think he knew. That you weren’t out
” Michael hummed, the noise rattling inside Eddie’s chest. “You’re right, in a way. Any decent gay person wouldn’t out a person before they’re ready. I can’t remember if Derek mentioned your
 situation, when setting up the date. I can text him but, Eddie –“ Michael’s sigh caused the line to crackle and break, Eddie shivering as it hit his ear “– Eddie, Brendan and what he might and might not have known isn’t important, isn’t why I called.” Eddie knew. Of course, he knew. “What are you planning on doing next?”
           “That depends,” Eddie mumbled. His free hand tugged on his laces, loosening them slowly. “Do you want to hear what I want to do, or what I’m going to do.”
           “What do you want to do?”
           “Fake mine and Chris’s deaths,” he told Michael, “Start over somewhere new. Maybe on the East Coast, in a small fishing village where I can be a lighthouse keeper and never have to see another person ever again. Just me and Chris and the sea, until Chris leaves or I grow old and die. Whichever happens first.”
           “That’s
 dark.” Michael said, “And oddly specific.”
           Eddie shrugged, “I watched the Lighthouse last night. Robert Pattinson jerked it to some mermaid doodle in it. Like
 I could do that. Survive off of doodles of hunky mermen, or sailors. Hunky mermen getting it on with sailors
 God knows the real thing didn’t work out.”
           “You don’t mean that.”
           “Well, what else can I do?”
           “You can go inside and talk to your friends,” Michael reasoned, “Your team who cares about you, and are most definitely worried because of what happened and how it affected you. Your family, who is ready to accept you for who you are as they always will. But first, you need to trust them and let them in to see who that is.”
           When Michael explained it, the obvious choice also seemed to be the easiest. The tiny seed of doubt, however, planted once Eddie accepted his heart’s leanings and blossomed into a strange bushel of roses with thorny roots strangling his chest, would not let him be. It poisoned his rationality, shredding any confidence Eddie built. “I trust them with my life,” he wondered, speaking barely above a whisper, “why is it so hard to trust them with this? Is it just me?”
           “It’s not you, Eddie,” Michael said. His voice thundered with conviction, startling Eddie. “Believe me, you aren’t the first gay man to feel this way and, unfortunately, you won’t be the last.”
           He sniffed, a wet chuckle escaping past his lips in a raspy breath. “That sucks.”
           “It sure does,” Michael agreed.
           “Does it ever go away?” he asked, “Or
 get easier?”
           “I
 it’s not a cut-and-dry answer,” he told Eddie, “In some cases, yes. Others
 no. It’s situational.” Eddie found this answer unsatisfying. He wasn’t the only one. “Listen,” Michael said, “this might seem scary now, but I, uh – remember that first night. That night you came to my place and confided in me. What did you say?”
           “That I was gay.”
           “Yes
” Michael sucked in a deep breath, hissing his next thought so pointedly it cut through those pesky roots. “Now, imagine you’re me, saying what you said to me, but instead of saying it to me you were saying it to my lovely ex-wife who, at the time, was still my wife, and all this after we’re both a few glasses of wine deep and the kids are asleep.”
           Michael’s past helped put Eddie’s own troubles in perspective. He mentioned as such to him.
           “I don’t want to come off like ‘I had worse’ blah blah,” Michael said, “My point is – you see how good the relationship between Athena and I is. She could have easily kicked me out and then never spoken to me again. But she didn’t. She had every reason to hate me, but she didn’t. Athena loved me when she thought I was straight and continued after learning I was gay. It’s a different sort of love now, and yes, it might have wavered at times, but she stuck by my side like I stuck to hers. Yes, I was scared to tell her, just like you were when you came and told me. Just like you are now. But because I pushed through my fear, I freed us both from being unhappy. Her and Bobby
 me and Derek
 neither would have happened if I decided to keep my feelings to myself.”
           “Yeah
 your life did change
” Eddie rested his head against his knees, remnants of adrenaline from earlier fully fading leaving an exhaustion that set deep into his bones. “I guess that’s what I’m really afraid of. How
 acknowledging who I really am, and owning it, how everything will change after.”
           “Eddie, will being gay affect your job?”
           “What?” Eddie yelped, head rising again, neck aching from the whiplash Michael’s unrelated question caused. “No –“
           “Will you being out really make you a completely different, unrecognizable person?”
           “Uh
 I – I don’t
 no?”
           “Then it sounds like nothing will actually change.” Michael’s tone relaxed and, finally, Eddie let himself do the same. The other man’s speech wrapped around him like a warm blanket. “You didn’t wake up one morning and decide to be gay. It’s something that’s always been a part of you. It’s been there during every call you went out on. You’ll still be Eddie
 just a happier Eddie, because you’re allowing yourself to be happy and honest with who you are. That’s what’s important here. Coming out isn’t about other people, it’s about you. You, opening yourself to others to see this part of you, and letting them share in the joy of who you are. And the 118, your friends, will still love you because this
 this gay Eddie you have in your mind, is just Eddie. That’s it.”
           Eddie didn’t cry. He wouldn’t be able to hide it, once he went back inside to confront his friends. If they asked, Eddie might mumble a few broken words about allergies then move on. Because he didn’t let his tears fall. “Thanks, Michael,” Eddie said, “I
 I’m really grateful for you, being my friend. And that you didn’t turn me away like you should have done when I showed up at your apartment.”
           “I was less afraid of what you’d do,” Michael laughed, “and more afraid what you might do if I didn’t.”
           They ended the call soon enough, with Eddie exchanging a few final pleasantries while Michael’s goodbye was laced with encouragement.
           Eddie stood, riding the aches of pain that came from unfurling his back out of the tight coil he forced it into. He stretched his arms, pointed high towards the sky. Eddie leaned onto his toes, and even lifted his face to better feel the sun shining above.
           Much too warm for fall.
           Despite the heat and his fears, Eddie returned to the firehouse. He slowly crept inside, alert, gaze bouncing around for a sign of his friends. When he didn’t find them on the first floor, not hovering by the truck and newly returned ambulance or biding time in the gym, Eddie passed faceless co-workers on his way to the stairs. Each step Eddie took sounded like beats from a heavy drum, sounding a funeral march. Eddie kept up the tempo.
           As he climbed higher, his head peeked out and Eddie caught a glimpse of the second floor. Like always, his eyes were drawn immediately to Buck. He, along with Bobby, Hen, and Chim, were huddled around the kitchen island. Eddie watched them converse quietly, briefly, the discussion cutting off because Buck, the one currently speaking, turned and saw Eddie. Buck straightened, body taut and tense like Christopher got after Eddie caught him misbehaving. Eddie wasn’t foolish enough to think they were talking about anything other than him. Buck’s face flickers, flipping through emotions like pages in a book too fast so Eddie can’t read. It settled on a steely façade of determination, Buck readying to move. Before he can, Bobby stopped Buck with one hand on his shoulder. He understood.
           Let Eddie come to them.
           He did, slowly, at his own pace. Eddie settled between Hen and Chimney, both firefighters creating a space for him.
           There’s a beat of silence, the air above the kitchen island so weighty Eddie’s shoulders drooped. He fought against it, taking a deep breath. “Hey.”
           “Eddie,” Bobby spoke first, “how are you doing?”
           Michael advised honesty. That’s what Eddie gave. “I’m a little scared,” he admitted with a laugh, staring intently at a divot in the island’s counter, and how his finger repeatedly traced it. “Okay. A lot of scared.”
           “We’re here for you Eddie,” Bobby said, “Whatever it is.” On either side, his friends reached for him. Hen laid her hand over Eddie’s, crushing it in a loving grip, while Chimney soothingly rubbed his back. Eddie glanced at the men in front of him, Bobby looking encouraging at him while Buck

           Eddie still can’t decipher what it is Buck tries to show.
           If he thought about it too long, he’d lose all the confidence he gathered to arrive at this point. Eddie swallowed past the lump in his throat, attempting to smile. “Thank you,” he said, “really.” Then, without fanfare, Eddie shrugged and told his friends, “I’m gay.”
           Like that, the next breath Eddie took felt lighter. It was unbelievable. No one said anything, but their love and acceptance were visible in other ways. Eddie was almost brought to tears because of them. He reigned his emotions in, maintaining control. If they stayed like this, however, he’s sure to break.
           Eddie cleared his throat, “That’s all. So if we could
”
           “Not so fast,” Chimney said, smirk tainting their tender moment. His hand slunk across Eddie’s back to his shoulder, clamping down and chaining Eddie there at his side. “There’s still the doctor of it all that’s been unaccounted for
”
           “Chim,” Bobby warned lightly, trying his best to play boss.
           Hen waved him off. “Eddie should have his chance to explain,” she argued, “tell us his side of the story. Lord knows Chim and I got an earful about what that man thought of you, Eddie. Filled the entire drive from the wreck to the hospital.”
           “He had a lot of opinions,” Chimney added.
           Eddie sighed. He expected they might have questions, especially about Brendan. He wasn’t unprepared for this. “I went on one date with the man,” he explained, “something Michael set up –“
           “Michael?” Bobby interrupted, tapping his chest, “My Michael?”
           “He’s not just your friend,” Eddie said, “He
 he’s been helping me deal with
 with all this. This
 being gay, stuff.” He shifted, bending forward to press his chest on the counter. “It was Michael’s idea I go on a date with Brendan, sort of like practice. To get more comfortable being
 out, in public, with another man. Personally, I didn’t think the date was that special. Brendan was
 he had a lot of personality.”
           “Sure was flexing that
 personality, despite all those injuries,” Hen agreed, “Kept going on about this – this note you wrote? What was that about?” Hen might have asked coyly, but it was obvious to Eddie she knew.
           He still answered her. “I was going for nice,” he muttered, “I didn’t want to up and abandon him after we
 after he invited me over for the night, and we
” They were at work. Eddie couldn’t say more.
           Nothing else needed saying. Even Buck understood, if his rapidly flushing cheeks meant anything. “Oh,” he said, “so you and him
 you two
” His pointer fingers on either hand were extended, slapping each other with wide sweeps.
           Hen choked on a snort, shoving Buck’s hands apart. “They weren’t sword-fighting, Buck.”
           “Yeah, I knew that
” Because of his bashful pout, followed by Buck tucking his head into his chest, Eddie didn’t buy his excuse.
           “Okay,” Bobby steered the conversation elsewhere, “besides us and
 Michael
 have you told anyone else?”
           Eddie shook his head. “Really?” Buck asked, “Not even Chris?”
           “Especially not Chris
” Some of that earlier fear returned, roosting in his chest like a bird returned north from winter. “I never
 I don’t know how I would explain it to him or
 how much I would have to explain? Like, if I was a single dad from the start, I’m sure it would be easier. But most of his memories are with me and his mom, and I – I haven’t figured out a way to tell him while also not invalidating mine and Shannon’s marriage, y’know?” Eddie agonized over that near constantly. He loved Shannon, truly, and wanted their marriage to work despite not being attracted to her in the way that mattered. Christopher needed her in his life. If that meant Eddie gave Shannon what she wanted, what Eddie pretended he wanted to, it would have been worth it.
           But, in the end, she still went ahead with the divorce. Shannon was more perceptive than he ever gave her credit for.
           “And then there’s the Ana of it all
” Eddie threw out, offhandedly.
           “Wait,” Buck said, “was that why you broke it off with her? When you told me
”
           Eddie’s breath hitched slightly, and he drummed his fingers against the counterspace. “No,” he said, “I
 I didn’t have the realization then. I meant it, about us not clicking and
 her being another try at giving Chris a mom. Although, being gay would definitely have played a factor in us not clicking.”
           “That’s for sure.”
           Another wave of silence washed over them, this the most awkward of them all. “If that’s it for questions
” Eddie extricated himself from the group, final shreds of adrenaline fading and leaving him exhausted. His mind already set a course for the bunks, planning a lengthy nap as a reward for his vulnerability.
           “Of course,” Bobby rounded the island, moving closer to Eddie. Buck was on his heels, but hung back on the fringes of the group, a few inches behind Hen and Chimney. “I want you to know how proud I am of you, though. I can’t imagine any of what you had to deal with was easy, and if you need anything from us – keeping this information to ourselves or whatever
 let us know. We’ll follow your lead.” He then opened himself for a hug, giving Eddie the option to accept or refuse.
           Eddie sagged into Bobby’s embrace, grateful. “Thank you.” Hen and Chimney joined them, squeezing Eddie tighter and tighter. Only Buck kept his distance. Eddie opened his eyes and noticed the younger man watching them, a glint in his eye that struck Eddie’s nerve. Once the others released him, Eddie confronted Buck. “Hey, are you
”
           “Hmm?” Buck blinked, and what Eddie saw earlier disappeared. It vanished like it never existed. Maybe Eddie imagined it? Regardless, Buck smiled in his usual, too-large-for-his-face way and swept Eddie in a giant hug of his own. “I’m proud, too,” he whispered, “And what Bobby said goes double for me. Anything you need, ask
 and I’ll be there.”
           Eddie caught himself before he spoke without thinking. Instead, he returned the hug. He rested his cheek against Buck’s shoulder, humming in acknowledgment of Buck’s promise.
           Buck would do anything for Eddie, as much as he would do anything for Christopher.
           Anything
 except what Eddie truly desired from him.
           While baring his soul to the group about his sexuality was one matter, confessing to all his secrets was an entirely different sort he hadn’t felt ready for. He doubted he ever will be. Because if he told Buck the reason why he stopped running from the truth, why he couldn’t deny his feelings after being content in doing so for years, Eddie feared Buck would prove the sickening voices in his head right by leaving him.
           Really, Eddie thought, what else was there to do when you learn your best friend is in love with you?
           So he ignored how Buck’s touch skimmed his lower back, the gentle swaying dance they began by hugging longer than necessary, and, as they drew apart, the struck-match feeling of Buck’s lips brushing the outer edge of his ear.
           There was nothing to read into, he reminded himself. He and Buck were friends. Best friends. Best buddies. Buck had Taylor, and Eddie

           Eddie had hope. Hope, emboldened by his bout of honesty, that there will come a day he found a man he truly loved to share his life with.
           Even if they weren’t Buck.
26 notes · View notes
florenceandthemachine · 4 years ago
Note
prompt: buck hears eddie talking about him over the car's bluetooth speaker (or the other way around!)
sang so loud, sang so clear on AO3 (2.4k) 
It was safe to say that there was no part of his job that Eddie didn’t like. He loved being part of the community. He loved being able to make a positive change in the worst moments of someone’s life. Hell, he loved helping people in general, and that stretched far beyond the ‘call of duty’; so it was no surprise that when Bobby announced a series of fundraisers that the LAFD were participating in, Eddie was probably the only person who didn’t groan in defeat when Station 6 got to host a carnival while the 118 got stuck with a car wash.
He was excited because it was for charity. Not because it meant he got to have an entire weekend free from fire, free to spend some more time with his kid. That wasn’t it at all.
It also wasn’t because he got to spend some more time with Buck, outside of an assortment of burning buildings. That definitely wasn’t it—because despite what Carla said (and what Abuela said, and what Pepa said, and the looks that Hen shot him) he was an adult who had control over himself and had his...emotions regarding Buck under control.
It wasn’t a crush. He was fine. The fact that he had to go through the Starbucks line again after he got Buck’s order to get his own coffee was purely coincidental.
“Dad, can we play my music?”
“Sure, buddy.”
Eddie idly switched through the radio controls on his truck as he pulled onto the highway, smiling at his son in the rear view mirror as Chris pulled out his phone, working with the accessibility controls easily. The device was still pretty new, and Chris was still getting the hang of it, but after the tsunami Eddie would have bought him one phone for each hand if it meant he would know his son was safe at all times. Paranoia aside, Chris had been elated at cataloguing his life whenever he could—they already had digital albums full of Chris and his school friends, his family, and the things he got to do with Carla while Eddie was stuck at work.
Normally on days like today, Carla would have swung by and picked Chris up from the house, but it was easy enough to push that back an hour or so and have her pick Chris up right from the firehouse when he had all but begged to come in to the 118 and say hi to the team.
And hell, if Eddie got his kid to kick up the cuteness near their tip jar? Eddie wouldn’t complain about that, either.
One of Chris’ favorite albums had wrapped to a close when Eddie pulled off the highway, turning down the volume as they started to approach the 118. The morning was still pretty young, but it looked like they already had a pretty good turnout lined up—there were cars wrapped around the station building, in various stages of drying, with a line pretty steadily moving through the main engine bay. It looked like Bobby had moved the trucks out toward the street for added publicity, meaning the entire floor of the station was filled with cars, suds, and pop-ish music (no doubt, courtesy of Chim).
“Eddie, don’t tell me you actually expect us to wash your truck.” Chim snarked from the stairs, his LAFD tee shirt covered in colorful suds and sticking to his skin, and Eddie only smirked as he shoved a twenty into the donation jar. “Come on now, I’m a paying customer! Are you telling me that you’re gonna turn away someone for a charity drive?”
“No, he isn’t. Eddie, here, gimme the keys.” Eddie beamed as he heard Buck’s voice behind him, sticking his tongue out at Chim in a very mature, grown up way as he helped Chris out of the truck. Reaching back into the drivers seat, he pulled the second coffee out of the holder, the iced drink matching his own save for Buck’s added pumps of sugar—and almost keeled over when he turned around.
Look, if there was one thing that Eddie Diaz knew, it was that life was not fair.
His two tours weren’t fair. His son’s CP wasn’t fair. His marriage with Sharon hadn’t been fair.
But pulling up to the 118, stepping out of his truck, and coming face to face with Buck? Buck, who was clad only in his turnout pants and suspenders, who was dripping wet?
Well, that wasn’t just unfair, that was mean.
“See, Chim, this is why the Diaz’s are my favorite. You gotta step up, man, Eddie brought me my favorite coffee and my favorite Chris.”
Buck was thankfully oblivious as Eddie short circuited, bending down to high five Chris, his face brightening when he saw the second coffee in Eddie’s hands. He pulled the coffee and the keys out of Eddie’s shockingly limp grip, turning to Chim triumphantly as Eddie tried to gather his thoughts. His thoughts, which currently needed gathering, because they were tracing the path a drop of water made as it glided along Buck’s shoulder blades, trailed along to the edge of his torso, resting on a hip that Eddie would very much like to bite, thank you, and—
“Buck, I’ll be giving you an actual niece or nephew! That has to rank better than coffee!”
“Well, first of all, Maddie will be giving me an actual niece or nephew.  Second of all
”
Eddie pulled himself back to realist as Buck and Chim started to bicker, eyes suddenly desperate to look anywhere else before he got distracted again. “Hey, uh, I’m going to set Chris up upstairs, we’ll be down in a second.”
He wasn’t sure if he was more thankful for the easy out or for the distance that he got to put between himself and a half naked Buck, but Eddie was nothing if he wasn’t an idiot—so even as he helped Chris set up some papers around the table at the loft, he still found himself peeking over the railing whenever Buck laughed, or shouted, or did anything that could draw Eddie’s attention away from the here and now as he sipped his coffee.
One of his little dalliances must have taken a little longer than before, because he honestly couldn’t telly ou how much time had passed before he heard Chris speak up.
“Dad’s got a crush on Buck, Dad’s got a crush on Buck...”
Eddie felt his head snap up, his face instantly bright red as he almost choked on his iced coffee. He gasped as he saw Chris hiding behind his cell phone, immediately breaking out into giggles as he pointed his camera back and forth from Eddie to where Buck stood in the engine bay. He was quiet enough, thank fuck, so Eddie didn’t have to do any immediate damage control—just had to save face, doing so with an exaggerated flourish as he easily closed the space between he and Chris, picking his son up playfully with one arm as the other snagged his phone from his hand.
“The lies! The deceit! Betrayed by my own son!”
“Daddy, nooo!”
Eddie found himself laughing as he flopped down on to one of the overstuffed couches in the loft, grinning like a fool as Chris wriggled beside him, his phone still secure in Eddie’s hand, out of Chris’ reach.
“Dad’s got a crush on Buck, Dad’s got a crush on Buck...”
Eddie blinked, looking up as he heard Chris’ words repeated, eyes looking at the loop now playing on his phone. It was a Snapchat—one of the few social apps Eddie allowed on Chris’ phone, after Chris had more or less taught him how to use it (and had promised to send Eddie a few selfies throughout the day).
Chris had done the courtesy of zooming on Buck, bending over to scrub at the rims on Eddie’s truck, and then the camera swung back to Eddie, who... missed his own mouth with his straw, several times, trying to sip from his coffee.
Alright, maybe his crush wasn’t as under control as he thought it was.
“Dad’s got a crush on Buck, Dad’s got a crush on Buck...”
Eddie frowned as his ears twinged, suddenly aware that the sound wasn’t coming from Chris’ phone, the looping audio echoing up to the loft. He put his head next to the phone, trying to tell—were the speakers broken? Was something jammed in a port or whatever?
He turned the volume up, frowning, a little disappointed. He had told Chris how important it was to take care of this things, and if his phone had already been dropped or broken, he would have to—
“DAD’S GOT A CRUSH ON BUCK, DAD’S GOT A CRUSH ON BUCK...”
—he would have to crawl into a hole and die, because that sound wasn’t coming from Chris’ phone, it was coming from Eddie’s truck. Eddie’s truck, which was powered on, and still connected to Chris’ phone from their music this morning.
Eddie’s truck, which thanks to his own idiocy had every speaker blasting, and had a bright red Buck bent over the hood—frozen, like Eddie seemed to be, his face unreadable as he stared up at Eddie in the loft up above the bay. Eddie felt his body go numb as Chris finally stole his phone back, the sound thankfully stopping as he locked his phone.
“Oh fuck.”
“Ooh, you owe a dollar to Carla’s swear jar.”
-
“There’s my number one guy! Chris, how’re you doing?”
Eddie managed to successfully avoid everyone for the better part of an hour—it was easy enough to do, considering they still had a line out the door of people waiting to get their cars scrubbed down by the 118. He felt a small moment of dread spike through his heart as Carla managed to seek them out—he would have a zero chance of hiding if he didn’t have his ‘son-shield’ up.
Eddie managed a small smile as Carla ruffled Chris’ hair, clearing his throat. “Hey, Carla, you brought your van today right?”
“Sure did, what’s up?”
“Oh, nothing. I just need to lie down behind your rear wheels so you can put me out of your misery before you leave.”
“... uh huh.” Carla rose her brow as Chris shoved his papers and markers into his backpack, looking at Eddie in a way that was almost pitying. “Daddy accidentally megaphoned his crush on Buck to the entire station, so he’s been hiding upstairs and helping me draw instead of helping with charities.”
Well, that was one way to put it, though Eddie would have preferred a way that made him feel less of a dick. He winced as he nodded his head, clearing his throat as Carla’s eyes widened. “And that’s why Daddy has to go throw himself into traffic.”
“Well, I would prefer it if you didn’t.” Eddie felt his entire body tense as he heard Buck behind him, only managing a weak wave as Carla whisked Chris off down the stairs—his protests of “but Carla, I wanna listen!” making Eddie go even redder.
At the very least, he wasn’t alone in that boat. Buck was an absolutely delightful shade of pink, and Eddie was fucking distraught to learn that Buck’s blush went all the way down to his chest, because for some reason the other man still hadn’t put on a shirt. Normally, Eddie would have been delighted to see that, but after having his feelings so publicly (even if intentionally) put on blast, all that he wanted was to be swallowed up by the floor.
“Don’t worry, I’d make sure Chim had to scrape me off the pavement, you wouldn’t have to worry about it.” Eddie said, his humor landing a little dark—Buck didn’t laugh, but his smile did grow, and Eddie counted that as a win as he sighed. “Look, Buck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make things weird and I don’t want to—“
“Oh, Eddie, I’m not here to talk about that, I just wanted to get your help scrubbing on the floor.”
Oh. The car wash, right. Eddie felt his stomach drop as he swallowed, processing what Buck had said, nodding his head. Buck wanted to look past it, pretend it hadn’t happened. That was... fine. Eddie hitched a smile onto his face, nodding his head as he looked down the floor, finding the tie of his own boots fascinating. “Yeah, no, you’re right. Sorry I was putting it off, I’ll grab some towels and I can—“
“Actually, you should start washing up with me. I was thinking we could make a bet out of it.”
Eddie looked back up, curiosity outweighing all the weight in his stomach as he tilted his head, trying to get a read on Buck—even if all he could see was that delicious blush, trailing down Buck’s neck and fucking Christ, across his chest. “A bet? Buck, I don’t know if—”
“Whoever gets the most tips has to pay for dinner... tonight? After we’ve dried off?”
Eddie felt his jaw click shut as Buck cut him off again, his brain trying to work a mile a minute as he caught up with what Buck had said.
Because if he didn’t know any better, if sounded like Buck was asking him out on a date.
“Buck, you... you? Me, when... you really... when I...”
“Eddie, will you please just say yes? I was going to ask you an hour ago, but you’ve been hiding very unsuccessfully from me.”
Buck was asking him out to dinner. Buck was asking, him, Eddie Diaz, out to dinner, after Eddie all but humiliated himself. Buck had been waiting since that moment to ask Eddie out to dinner. Oh this, this he could certainly work with.
“So
 dinner, huh? You’re on. But if you’re going to be working in just your turnouts, so am I.”
Yeah, he could work with that. And two could play at this game.
(If Carla was laughing when Eddie explained their little bet over the phone later, she was all but howling when Eddie admitted he won, asking if she could watch Chris for a few more hours and for recommendations as to where he could take Buck on their first date—even as Chris shouted “good luck, dad!” over the phone.)
107 notes · View notes
bibybuck · 5 years ago
Text
stay close (don’t go)
fandom: 9-1-1
pairing: Buck/Eddie
rating: gen
word count: 1.2k words
summary: Buck and Eddie talk when Eddie wakes up in the hospital.
a 3x15 (’Eddie Begins’) coda
[read on ao3] 
or under the cut!
“On your left.”
Buck blinks, coming out of that half-asleep, half-awake state he’s been in since Eddie was brought into the hospital. He’s still got that anxiety inside, that uneasy feeling, but at least now Eddie’s awake and speaking. And since Chris got them to watch all of the Marvel films, referencing pop culture.
“Eddie,” Buck breathes, scooting closer with his chair. “How are you feeling? Should I get the doctor or-or a nurse or someone?”
Eddie shakes his head, but the corners of his mouth curl up. “No, that’s okay, I’m good. How long was I out?”
“Just overnight
 I’m still gonna get a nurse.”
Buck starts standing up, but then he feels a hand on his wrist, barely there, yet electrifying. He whips his head around and stares at Eddie. He’s never had this feeling. Not with anyone, definitely not with him. 
Eddie’s hand lingers, softly holding it there. He says, “Stay,” quietly, staring at Buck with red-rimmed eyes.
“O-okay.” Buck almost sits on the seat he was in for the past ten hours, but changes his mind at the last second and sits on the edge of Eddie’s bed. “Are you okay?”
For a while, they’re quiet. The only noises are the beeping of Eddie’s heart rate monitor and distant PA system calls. Eddie’s hand is still on Buck’s wrist, gingerly, almost absentmindedly moving his thumb in a stroking matter. Buck really doesn’t want to think about it, but he can’t not think about it.
“I had to cut my line.”
“I know.”
“I kept thinking - what if it was Chris? What if he was stuck down there?”
“I know.” Eddie wants to speak, but Buck knows what he wants to ask. “He’s fine. He was here last night, he gave you a big ol’ smooch on your forehead. Carla’s watching him.”
Eddie nods a bit, chewing on his lip. There is so much Buck wants to say. He wants to scold him, to tell him off for cutting his line, he wants to tell him not to do anything reckless ever again, he wants to tell him he’s safe now. He wants to tell Eddie that he was so worried, so scared that he was certain the world would collapse under his feet.
Buck doesn’t say anything. He knows Eddie knows. He also knows that there is something else he’d like to say, something he’s been feeling for a while. But he doesn’t say that either.
“Thank you,” Eddie tells him, eventually. His voice is merely a whisper, but it still pierces Buck’s soul. “For not giving up on me.”
“I would never, you know that.”
“I do.” Eddie sighs and winces. Buck’s muscles tense and he wants to run to get a doctor. But Eddie’s hand on his arm moves, so he’s not gripping his wrist anymore, rather he is actively holding his hand, fingers intertwined. “I’m fine, Buck, I promise.”
“Eddie
”
“I am.” He smiles at Buck, but Buck isn’t really convinced. He lets it slide, promising to himself that next time, he’s getting a doctor. “I was
 I was underwater and my tank ran out. I thought
 That was it, you know? A couple of tours, a helicopter crash and countless disasters, but I never would’ve guessed that I’d meet Grim stuck in a hole.”
“Eddie, you don’t have to.”
“I do, just
 let me finish. Please?” 
Buck nods as he squeezes Eddie’s hand. There’s a line they’re crossing, maybe. His father would tell him that men don’t hold hands, only in camaraderie. He’d tell him men have to be men, strong and stoical, and he can’t look at Eddie like that, he can’t hold Eddie’s hand like that, he can’t think about Eddie like that. But Buck does, he wants to, he needs to. Ever since meeting Eddie, Buck’s been thinking about him like that and those thoughts are not going anywhere.
“Sorry, continue.”
Eddie blinks a couple of times. “When I was in Afghanistan, we came close to kickin’ it. I never had that ‘life flashing before my eyes’ moment until yesterday. I saw Chris, of course, I did. I knew I couldn't give up because of him. But I saw the 118, the family we have there and I saw you, Buck
 It made me understand just how special everyone is, just how special you are.”
“What are you saying, Eddie?”
“You’ve been so good to Chris, so good to me. I don’t know where we’d be without you. You keep us safe, the both of us and you make that kid so happy.” Eddie smiles at Buck. Maybe it’s a sudden thing, maybe it’s been building for a while, maybe it’s always been there. “Come ‘ere.”
Eddie pulls him closer; Buck, avoiding the wires, leans on him, sort of awkwardly hugging him, making sure he’s not pressing against him too much. Eddie burrows his face in the crook of Buck’s neck.
Buck exhales, possibly for the first time since Eddie went into that hole. It hurts, but in a good way, like he needed it, like this breath gives him understanding.
“I know,” he whispers and Eddie holds him tighter. 
They don’t need big words or any words at all. That’s what makes them a good team, the silent communication, reading each other’s minds, knowing the other so well. 
Eddie pulls back, as much as his pillows let him, and looks at Buck. His eyes keep shifting between his eyes and lips. Maybe it’s because of that connection Buck knows the unspoken question, which he promptly answers by pressing a soft kiss on Eddie’s sore lips.
There is no fanfare, no fireworks. It’s a self-explanatory thing, an easy thing, a safe thing. There is no overthinking, no panicking. It’s not a conclusion, not a final chapter, but rather a beginning of something.
Eddie smiles at him. “Should’ve gotten stuck ages ago, maybe we would’ve been here sooner.”
“Hey! Don’t even think about it.”
“Dad!” Chris yells, bursting into the room.
“Chris!” Eddie lets go of Buck’s hand and tries to sit up as Chris makes his way to the bed. “Oh, how I’ve missed you!”
“How are you, dad?” he asks, as Buck puts him on the bed, next to Eddie. He takes the crutches and leans them against the side table.
“I’m doing great, kid.” He looks at Buck, then back at Chris. “How are you? You didn’t torture poor Carla, did you?”
“I’m going to leave you two alone,” Buck says quietly.
Once again, Eddie reaches for his hand. “Stay.”
“Stay, Buck,” Chris repeats, with a grin.
“Oh, how could I say no to my favourite boys!” he says, which earns a laugh from both Eddie and Chris. “You will not believe this, Chris, but your dad actually referenced Captain America when he woke up.”
“Really?”
For a while, they do some catching-up. Chris gets a diluted version of the events, then they talk about what films they’ll be watching, what food they’ll be eating when Eddie gets out of the hospital later that day.
It’s crazy, Buck reckons, as he listens to Chris and Eddie’s conversation. Never in a million years would he have imagined anything better. He just wishes they skipped the getting trapped bit because the last time he felt that scared for someone was when his sister was in danger. He’s glad Eddie’s safe and sound. He’s glad that against all odds, they ended up here, even if ‘here’ is a bit confusing right now. He’s excited about what the future holds. 
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tripleaxeldiaz · 5 years ago
Text
i will learn to love the skies i’m under
read on ao3
It’s been a minute since Eddie has been in such a bad mood.
A bad mood is annoying enough as it is, but this one in particular has been lurking for about a week too long, filtering into every part of his life so that he’s pissed from the minute he opens his eyes in the morning until he’s back in bed at night. 
The worst part of it all is that nothing even happened to set him off in the first place. Chris is back from camp, the 118 has been miraculously tragedy-free recently, he and Buck have even been able to work a few date nights into their endlessly busy schedules. Everything is objectively perfect for the first time in a long time.
But still, these past few days, the very act of being a human has taken so much effort.
He smiles listening to Chris talk about the latest addition to his comic book collection, but he can feel that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and he knows he missed a bit in the middle about some big twist when he zoned out to stare at nothing. It takes extra energy to make sure he’s focused during shift, so any socializing in between calls just feels draining. The jokes, the carefree laughs, it all slowly grates on him, his skin itching like it’s trying to slide off his bones. He tries, still, laughs at all the right places, but by the end of the day he’s retreating to the bunks between calls instead of the loft, blaming it on a migraine or sore back when he’s questioned.
He’d had his bi-weekly with Frank shortly after it started, but even he couldn’t offer much help.
“I can prescribe you something if this keeps going on and starts interfering with work or family. Otherwise, try and focus on the positives in your life. It’s easier said than done, but sometimes it makes all the difference.”
So he was trying. He went out for drinks with the team, played with Chris in the backyard, had movie nights, the whole shebang. But everything was just off — he was off. And as much as he tried to act like he was fine, there was still that constant hum just under his skin, a constant reminder that his brain has decided hey man, I know your life is all peaches and cream right now, but that doesn’t mean shit. We’re gonna focus on the bad things instead.
What bad things? Hell if Eddie knows. He can’t focus on one good or bad thing long enough to pinpoint what exactly is making him feel like this. It just seems to be the general cloud of past traumas hanging over his brain, and it’s raining all the residual bad feelings down, and he doesn’t have an umbrella.
He sets his coffee cup down hard (harder than he meant to, really) before sitting down at the table, earning identical eyebrow raises from Hen and Chimney. He sees them look at each other out of the corner of his eye before they turn to him, pushing MCAT practice books out of the way.
“Everything alright, Eddie?” Hen asks, maternal and receptive as ever.
“Fine,” he says tightly, and great, he’s snapping at people now. His energy is so depleted that he can’t even keep his people skills in check.
“We’re here if you need us, man,” Chim says with his reassuring smile. “We won’t even tell Buck about it if you don’t want us to.”
Eddie can’t help smiling at that, though it’s still small. He does want to talk to Buck about it all, of course he does. But Buck has been pulling extra shifts this past week while Ortiz is out with a busted ankle. They’ve barely had a conversation about what groceries to get let alone the fact that Eddie feels completely out of sorts, like he’s screwing up everything he’s normally good at and can’t figure out how to do it right again. And he knows Buck will help him, knows he would want to if he knew, but he keeps convincing himself that he can figure it out on his own, that Buck is so overworked now that he shouldn’t unload any more stress onto him. That, at least, he can still control.
He wishes his brain wasn’t so damn loud.
He sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face as Hen and Chim watch him with matching weariness. “I’m okay guys, I promise. Just been feeling a little off lately.”
Hen smiles sympathetically, reaches across the table to squeeze his wrist. Chim opens his mouth like he’s about to offer his patented sage advice, but he’s quickly cut off by the alarm. They rush to the truck, and Eddie feels just a bit relieved that for at least the next two hours, he’ll be humming with adrenaline rather than baseless uncertainty. He’ll forget the clouds and the rain and focus on saving lives, something he knows he can always do well.
He almost convinces himself that clouds will stay away this time.
~~~~~~~~~~
By the end of shift, Eddie’s whole body feels like lead. The last two calls of the day weren’t even remarkable, but he feels listless and slow, and he’s glad that he can basically drive home by muscle memory now, because the rain is pounding in his brain agan and it’s hard to focus on anything. As he sits in the driveway, willing his body to get up get up get the hell up, he allows himself to slip for a minute. Maybe if he lets some of the rain in, briefly succumbs to the ever brewing storm, it’ll release some of the pressure and it’ll be easier to breathe. Maybe he’ll feel like himself again for the first time in weeks.
10 minutes later, and he’s pretty sure he just feels worse.
He opens the front door and is greeted by darkness and silence. Christopher is at a sleepover, and the first thing he feels when he remembers is relieved, because now he can sit in his dark living room, alone, all night, and see if he’ll feel better if he stews a little longer. Maybe he can work it out of his system in a few hours instead of a few minutes.
He also feels a little guilty that he’s glad his son isn’t around, but he can just add that to all the other bad feelings. Might as well keep fueling the fire, at this point.
As he drops his bag in the entryway, he notices that it’s actually not totally dark in his house. There’s a soft glow coming through the sliding glass doors that lead to the patio, and he’s pretty sure he hears music too now that he’s paying attention. As he makes his way outside, he’s greeted by blankets and every pillow they own set up on the lawn, pad thai containers, and his boyfriend drenched in string lights and moonlight, adjusting the speakers set up around the yard. 
Buck looks up as he hears the door slide closed, smiling brightly, and Eddie swears he can feel the rain lighten up. It’s still there, steady as ever, but the drops aren’t as heavy. Buck meets him at the door, drops a kiss on his cheek, and Eddie’s hands instinctively come up to rest on Buck’s hips.
“What’s all this?” Eddie asks as he continues surveying the yard. “I thought you were working tonight?”
Buck shrugs, his hands grabbing Eddie’s as he steers them to the pillow nest. “Ortiz got cleared for work a few days early, asked for her shifts back. Plus it’s a beautiful night, and I really just wanted to spend it with you.”
He kisses Eddie, warm and sweet, and pulls him down to sit next to him. They start to eat, chatting about everything they’ve missed since they’ve been on opposite shifts, and for a minute, Eddie can almost pretend like everything is normal, like a reset button has been pushed and he can breathe again. He always felt like Buck’s presence and love was a balm for his heart, but it’s moments like these where he’s reminded just how true that actually is.
But as they finish up, lying back and lapsing into comfortable silence, Eddie’s mind starts wandering again. All he wants to do is look at the stars, but the clouds are back, dark as ever, and he doesn’t have the strength to keep fighting them off. He just wants a minute of peace with his boyfriend, that really doesn’t seem like too much to ask.
“You wanna let me know what’s got you all huffy?” Buck asks, his fingers running through Eddie’s hair as his head rests on Buck’s chest. He thought he’d been keeping his irritation in his head. Or maybe he has, and Buck really can read his mind like Eddie’s always suspected he can.
“I’m fine,” he mumbles, and he knows it’s not convincing. Buck doesn’t press though, just kisses the crown of his head and keeps his fingers moving.
And that’s it, for whatever reason. Buck allowing him to just be, not expecting him to put up a front or plaster on a smile. Letting him navigate the storm in his head on his own, silently supportive. No one else has really pried or made him talk either, but with Buck it’s different. Everything is different with Buck. Eddie knows that he can fully lean into himself and Buck won’t think any less of him or ask too much of him. And he’ll be there when he can finally articulate what the hell is going on.
Eddie shifts up, lying on his side so he and Buck are face to face. His eyes flit over Buck’s face, searching for...he’s not sure what. Just taking in the fact that he’s here for Eddie, in every way, and judging by the soft but determined look in his eyes, he doesn’t plan on going anywhere. Eddie closes his eyes, lets out a hard breath through his nose. He feels Buck’s hand come up to rest on his jaw, gentle and grounding.
“Everything just feels...bad. I feel bad. And I have no reason to feel like that, because this is the most solid my life has been in years, but that makes me feel even worse.” Buck’s thumb traces a soothing trail along his skin as he collects his thoughts. “It takes so much of me to function normally and it gets harder and harder every day. People keep asking if I’m fine and I am, I should be, but I don’t know how to say, ‘Things are going great but I still feel like garbage and I can’t stop blaming myself for not being able to be happy.’”
Buck’s hand moves down to Eddie’s waist and tugs, their bodies pressing together, his head resting on top of Eddie’s. Finally being able to put words to the noise in his brain helped, but he still feels the static at the surface of his skin, and everything still feels wrong.
“Honey, it is absolutely not your fault that you’re feeling like this,” Buck whispers as his hands start roaming up and down Eddie’s back. “As much as you try and control your emotions, sometimes we don’t get a say in the bullshit our brain makes up, and it can be hard to tell if it’s lying or not.”
Eddie sighs, feels his throat catch as he tries to talk. “I’m just tired of being mad for no reason. It’s one thing when I know specifically what’s pissing me off, but having it be everything and nothing at the same time is exhausting.”
“Then rest, baby. It’s just you and me now, you don’t have to pretend for me. I’m here for the ups and downs, no matter what.”
Eddie doesn’t know who or what blessed him with a man as good as Buck, but he’ll be paying them back until the day he dies. He’s never had someone he could fully let his guard down around, and now that he does, it’s strange and wonderful, something he hopes he never gets used to and never takes for granted.
He can’t find the words to thank Buck, so he kisses him instead. Long and slow, pouring every once of gratitude he has into it, hoping Buck feels it. He thinks he does as he feels him smile against his lips.
He takes Buck’s advice, shifting back to settle into his chest, lets his body get heavy, tries to force the tension away. Buck’s hands on his back and lips on his forehead help.
He’s not miraculously better, but he feels a little less weary. Left of center instead of all the way off course. The rain is still coming down in his mind, but Buck is there with strong arms, a warm heart, and an umbrella big enough for both of them.
He’ll always be there, Eddie knows that for sure. It makes weathering the storm a little easier.
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madamewriterofwrongs · 4 years ago
Text
Get It Together
@hearteyesforbuck asked for a neck kiss and a Buddie get together, so here is a neck kiss and a Buddie get together.
There were a few facts that needed to be established right off the bat.
Evan Buckley was a good firefighter. He was selfless and brave and loved to do stupid shit if it meant saving one more person. He was also compared to a golden retriever for a few reasons. Yes, there was the blond hair, but he also had an insane amount of energy that sometimes annoyed his fellow – older – coworkers, not to mention the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve right next to his firefighter badge.
Evan Buckley was insanely in love with Eddie Diaz. Head over heels, dopey grins and heart eyes in love with the man. Eddie also happened to be his best friend and work partner, and subsequently had no idea how Buck felt about him.
Evan Buckley was perfectly content to be Eddie’s best friend and work partner – he really was. Those were things he was proud to call himself and resisting the urge to touch and love Eddie had become second nature.
Evan Buckley hated when Eddie Diaz did stupid shit to save one more person. That was his job. And it saved Buck the torture of having to stand on the sidelines and watch the man he loved scale a burning building to check on a potential victim trapped on the third floor.
--
Bobby had declared the building unstable. Everyone was ordered to get out (“including you, Buck” – which seemed a little unfair) and so far, every one of the team had emerged from the smoke and flames. Except for Eddie.
Buck didn’t want to say he was worried, Eddie was good at his job, but Buck was perhaps concerned? Anxious? Apprehensive? Nervous?
Definitely not worried.
When a black and yellow jacket appeared out of the third story window holding a young girl who was curled tightly to his chest, the worry fell away. The stairs were blocked, Buck knew that, the only way out was straight down.
Under normal circumstances, he might have found some enjoyment in watching Eddie climb down the lattice with a child in one arm. It was very heroic and did things to his stomach. But before they could reach the ground, an explosion inside the house, caught the ivy around the makeshift ladder and sent Eddie and the girl flying.
Buck was running in their direction before they hit the ground. He arrived in time to help the girl to her feet and lead her into Hen’s waiting arms for inspection. She was safe – terrified out of her mind – but safe and seemingly unharmed.
All that was left was the man slowly clambering to his feet.
“Eddie thank god you’re okay.” Buck threw his arms around his partner in relief, his face tucking in to the crook of his neck to inhale the smell of smoke; to remind him that Eddie was alive. Eddie hugged him back, a little tighter than was strictly professional but Buck wasn’t about to complain. Not if he had the excuse to touch.
He pressed his lips to the space of exposed skin above the collar of Eddie’s jacket, contentment letting him swing in their embrace. He loved that he could do this, fall into Eddie and be loved.
Buck pulled away with jerk, a surprised gasp escaping his lips before he could stop it. Stupid! He’d let himself get caught up in the moment and forgotten that he wasn’t allowed to do that. Any of that.
“Sorry, sorry.” He apologized quickly, his arms snapping to his sides.
Which, of course, only made Eddie suspicious and worried. “What are you sorry for?”
Where to begin? Buck wanted to laugh at how royally he’d screwed up. But Eddie hadn’t noticed. So he was safe for now. Best to forget it. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“No, Buck, what happened? Tell me.” Damn Eddie for being so
 Eddie. So kind and caring and sweet and beautiful.
This wasn’t helping.
He had to say something, didn’t he? So he promised “later” really hoping Eddie would forget all about it by the time ‘later’ came.
He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. No, Eddie saved ‘later’ for when they were at Buck’s apartment at the end of their shift, drinking beer and laughing off the day as they always did.
“Okay, are you ready to tell me what happened on that call today?”
He didn’t even have to ask ‘which call’ – which might have saved him a little time to think of a better answer than the one that came out. “Nothing.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. Even his eye rolls were gorgeous. Pull yourself together, Buck. This is getting ridiculous. “You looked like you were gonna throw up.” Eddie stepped closer which only made Buck feel worse when he recoiled a little. “Come on, you can tell me.”
Could he? Could Buck tell Eddie how he’d been pining after him for months? How he thought he might be in love for the first time, maybe ever? That the brief kiss he’d placed on Eddie’s skin had been the happiest he’d felt in a while? Could he at least say something instead of staring at the bottom of his empty bottle?
“I accidentally kissed your neck. That’s all.”
“Accidentally? Then why did you make a big deal out of it?” Good question, Eddie. Well, Buck’s Brain? Why had he made such a big deal out of it? It was an accident after all. Stupid! Eddie saw right through his obvious, guilty expression. “Why did you do it?”
“Instinct?” Great. Well done. This was definitely going to get him out of the hole he had dug for himself.
“Kissing me was instinct?”
There was something in Eddie’s voice that made Buck look up, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. His eyes were so bright, so open, so
hopeful? That couldn’t be right.
Even if he was projecting that hope, Buck clearly had a lot of it, which is what he would blame for what came out of his mouth next. “I’d like it to be.”
And would he ever. Getting to kiss and hug Eddie after a tough call, kissing him good morning, goodbye, good night, just because. That’d be amazing. And now there was no going back. He’d said what he’d said and this was the end of it for them. Eddie would never be his friend after this.
“Do you want to do it again?”
What?
Hold on.
What??
Eddie hadn’t just asked what Buck thought he’d asked, right? Was he trying to kill him? There was no way to answer this. If he said no and Eddie wanted him to say yes, things were done. If he said yes and Eddie wanted him to say no, things were heartbreakingly done. If he said no, and Eddie wanted him to say no, Buck would never be able to look him in the eye again, knowing that he’d been lying. If he said yes and Eddie wanted him to say yes

“Do you want me to kiss you?”
It was Eddie who pulled him into an embrace this time, arm firmly around his waist to anchor as he pressed his body against Buck’s. This was
unexpected. And Buck was not about to question it. Not when this could be the last time Eddie ever touched him.
“I think we have the same instinct.”
When Eddie pressed his lips to the skin just above his t-shirt, Buck was pretty sure he’d died. Or was still dreaming that very nice dream he’d had a few nights ago. But no, this was real. The curve of his arm around Eddie’s back was real, the scratch of his stubble against Buck’s neck was very real.
Holy shit!
Okay. This was officially the best day ever.
Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie the way he had at the scene except now, he didn’t let go for a long time. Not until they were walking down the aisle a year later.
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libraryofloveletters · 4 years ago
Text
passing ships
Tumblr media
Evan Buckley x Eddie Diaz
Warnings: nothing, just being being idiots really 
Category: Angst 
Word Count: 2.6k
Author’s Note: Takes place right after Buck’s return after the lawsuit 
AO3 Link 
----
Silence. 
No bickering, no fighting and no stupid jokes. 
Pure deafening silence. 
The two were no longer speaking, although they had the clear to- he couldn't bring himself to forgive him, not yet and truthfully he didn’t know if he would ever be able to forgive him. 
After what he put the team through, what he caused them and what he did to them- to their relationship. 
Buck and Eddie sat on opposite ends of the station, the blond on the couch and the brunette in the kitchen. Both glancing at the other when the other isn’t looking, hoping they’d think of something to say to each other. 
Everyone can feel the tension, it hits whoever enters their vicinity like a brick wall. 
Eddie blew up at Buck the day in the grocery store and since then, neither of them had spoken to the other unless they were in the field. They worked seamlessly there. Wordless communication, in-sync as always yet the moment they step off the truck, all of that goes out the window and they go separate ways. 
Buck came close to talking to him one day while unpacking the halloween decoration. Eddie had walked past him, the urge to call for him and tell him that he was sorry but he didn’t. 
A part of him knew that Eddie would forgive him but another part of him felt that Eddie would still hold it against him somehow.
Buck didn’t know Eddie as well as he thought he did. 
Eddie’s pace was much slower than normal as he passed by, his heart pounding in his chest just waiting for Buck to call out to him and to fix what had broken but he didn’t. 
---- 
“Dad?” the boy called from the kitchen table, his father’s back to him.
Eddie was washing dishes, the sponge in his hand and the tap running but his eyes were fixated on something outside the window. Christopher gets up and walks over to his father, turning off the tap then Eddie looks down. “Oh sorry bud, did you ask me something?” he puts the sponge down and turns to his son. 
The look on Christopher’s face was enough for Eddie to internally groan, not because of Chris but because of what he was about to ask. 
“Where’s Buck?” 
And there it was. 
“Buck’s been busy bud” Eddie tells his son. This wasn't a complete lie, from the overheard conversations in the station, it seemed like Buck had been busy. 
“When is he coming over? We were supposed to have movie night” Chris sounded sad. Eddie knows how much Chris loves and looks up to Buck and for him not to be around was killing him.. because of Christopher of course. 
“I’ll ask him tomorrow,” Eddie leans and kisses the top of the boy’s head. 
“Bed now, I’ll come tuck you in, in a minute” Eddie smiles until he can no longer see Chris then a heavy sigh is let out. Chris isn’t the only one that misses Buck. 
He did too. 
Regardless of what had happened, Buck had been his best friend for the last year and a half. The person he confided in, the one who had his back and most importantly, the guy who was basically raising Christopher with him. It had been so hard not being able to talk to him those few weeks that the lawsuit was happening and now that they can talk, he doesn’t know what to say. 
Where do you begin after that ? 
What you did was fucked up and I hate you but I don’t because I actually love you and I need you in my life. 
Yeah, there was no way he was going to say that to Buck. The thought of Buck was pushed back when Chris shouted that he was waiting. He shook the worry from his face, mustering up a smile as he stepped into Chris’s room. 
“Alright kiddo, bedtime” Eddie pulls the blanket over his son, sitting on the bed beside him now. Chris looks up at his dad, “are you okay?”
“Hm?” Eddie’s brows furrow, unsure as to what brought up the question.
“Are you okay?” he asks his father again. 
“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?” he chuckles, his hand patting Christopher’s leg. 
“Okay” Chris smiles at his father, deep down he knew something was wrong and Eddie knew that his son knew that he wasn't okay but there wasn't time for that now. Eddie held himself together, he only had him and he had to be strong.
Eddie kisses Chris’s cheek, tucking the sides of the blanket in and turning on his night light. “Goodnight bud” he smiles from the doorway, about to shut the door. Chris calls out for his father once more and Eddie sticks his head back into the room, looking at Chris. 
“I love you” he says from bed. 
Eddie smiles, “I love you too.” the door shuts and his smile falls from his face. 
How much longer would he have to keep up this facade? 
When and how would they fix things? 
Because no part of Eddie wants to explain to Christopher why Buck isn't around anymore and honestly, Eddie doesn't want to lose him but he lacked the words to tell him exactly how he felt.
His room feels cold and empty, it usually is but this time feels like the house is running out of happiness and warmth and there’s nothing he could do to fix it. 
As he lays on his bed, his phone lights up. A notification from Chim, asking if he could help him move some furniture around. He answers and then he stares at the phone in his hand. 
“l’ll ask him tomorrow” his words rang in his head. He hits Buck’s contact- what to say and how to say it. 
To Buck: Are you free Saturday ? Chris wants to see you. 
Less than a minute goes by before his phone chimes. 
From Buck: I am. What time is okay for me to come over?
From Buck: Should I bring anything ? 
To Buck: I’ll drop him off at your place. I have something to do. 
From Buck: Okay. Is 6 okay ? 
To Buck: Fine. 
It was utter bullshit and they both knew that. Eddie had absolute nothing to do, in fact he was probably gonna go back home and hang out. It’ll be weird for him to be there when they aren’t speaking, hence why he's taking Chris to Buck and not letting him come to them because if they were at home, there would be nowhere for Eddie to avoid him. 
---- 
“Buck!” The little boy’s face lights up when he opens the door. 
“Chris!” Buck smiles with the same happy energy. The two of them hugging for a moment before Chris turns to say bye to Eddie. 
“Be good mijo, I'll be back later” Eddie kisses the top of his head before he walks off into the apartment. 
Buck looked at Eddie, his brows furrowed and he was chewing on his lip without even noticing. “You- You’re not coming in?” Buck asks quietly, his words barely coming out. 
Eddie shakes his head, “got stuff to do, text me when he’s ready to come home.” he hands Chris’s backpack over to him and turns the other way and down the hall. Buck steps out of the apartment, in the hallway in front of his door and he just watches Eddie leave. He wanted to run after him and tell him that he’s sorry but he doesn’t. 
The afternoon went by rather quickly, Buck and Chris catching up on what Chris had been doing at school, they began playing the new game Buck had gotten and they had pizza for dinner and ate on the couch while watching the sonic the hedgehog movie because Buck promised him that they would watch together.
Chris sat on the couch, his eyes glued to the tv screen until the end credits began rolling, then he yawns and sinks back into the pillows on Buck’s couch. 
“Tired?” Buck looks over at Chris who gives him a sleepy smile and nods. 
To Eddie: Chris is falling asleep, I think it’s time for him to get to bed
From Eddie: Ask him if he wants to spend the night. There are clothes in his bag
Buck was taken back by the message, not by Eddie suggesting that Chris spend the night because the 3 of them had sleepovers on a regular basis when he and Eddie were speaking but that Eddie was allowing him to stay. He assumed that because they weren't speaking that Eddie would want Chris to come home. 
“Bud, do you want to stay over? Dad said it’s cool” 
“Mhm, yeah” Chris’s eyes were shut, he was already halfway to dreamland by now. Buck smiled at the boy. 
To Eddie: He just fell asleep, you can pick him up around noon ? 
From Eddie: Okay
---- 
Saturday at 11:58am and Buck is dancing around his kitchen with a glass of orange juice in his hand. Chris had slept in and he made him breakfast. Buck was on his way to handing Chris the juice but he got caught up in the song that was playing. 
Christopher sat at the counter, laughing as Buck danced. Buck was slowly but surely making his way over when there was a knock at the door. He sat the juice beside the plate, pressed a kiss to Chris’s head and shouted that he was coming when the person knocked a second time. 
He pulled the door open, Eddie stood at the door with his arms folded. 
Buck gave him a small smile, “at ease soldier” he said jokingly, the joke had delivered and failed all in one, the smile on his face dropped too. 
“Is he ready?” Eddie looked at him, Buck stepped back so Eddie could see in. Chris was still sitting at the counter eating his breakfast, he smiled and waved when he noticed his dad at the door. 
“Do you want to come in?” Buck’s eyes silently pleading for him to accept the offer. 
“Sure” the one word was all he got from Eddie for the next 20 minutes. 
He spoke to Christopher and waited for his son to finish eating so they could leave. The tension in the apartment was heavy and uncomfortable, Eddie egging Chris to finish up every 5 minutes so they could get out of there. 
Buck had opened his mouth to speak multiple times, at this point there was nothing more that he wanted more than for Eddie to forgive him. 
The way his heart clenched in his chest whenever he saw Eddie or had to work with him wasn't normal. 
The way he smiled lovingly and stared adoringly at him wasn't normal either because friends don’t look at friends that way. 
Buck loved Eddie more than the average friend. He didn’t know if Eddie reciprocated those feelings but now he’d never know. 
“Bye Buck!” Chris’s arms wrapped around Buck snapping him out of his thoughts, his hand reaching down to rub his back softly. “Bye bud, thanks for hanging out with me” he smiles sweetly at the boy before looking at his father who was already waiting by the door with his bag. 
Buck walks Chris over to the door, they share one more hug before he steps out. Once again, Buck finds himself in the hallway wanting to go after them- after Eddie- but it’s like he’s frozen in time, he can’t bring himself to move towards them. Christopher smiles and waves before he steps on the elevator and Eddie, he just looks at him. Opening his mouth like he was going to say something but instead a sigh comes out, his gaze lowers and he joins Chris. 
It was a while before Buck heard from Eddie again. Usually, he would have texted to let him know that they got home and were okay but instead radio silence for the next 6 and a half hours. 
His phone chimes, rolling over and grabbing it off the table, there’s a notification from Eddie. 
To Buck: Thanks for last night, he had a good time 
From Buck: Thanks for bringing him over, I didn’t realize how much I missed him
To Buck: He missed you too
Buck was about to type a response when the little grey dots appeared, disappeared and reappeared. He waited, looking down at the phone in his hands watching as the dots appeared and disappeared. At some point, Buck put the phone down, he got tired of waiting. 
On the other side of the screen, Eddie sat on his couch with the phone in his hand. His last message to Buck telling him that Christopher missed him and he quickly typed out I missed you too but his finger hovered over the send button. Now reaching for the delete key, erasing the message. Eddie tried a few versions of that message. 
To Buck: I missed you so much you don’t even understand 
That one didn’t sound like him and made him seem desperate. 
To Buck: Chris wasn’t the only one that missed you 
What was he trying to do? Flirt with him? well.. maybe but this is not the time. 
To Buck: Come over, let’s talk 
Yeah if let’s talk is code for we’re probably gonna end up in bed. 
To Buck: I don't know what I want to say but I need you here, things aren't the same without you. 
This one felt right because it was the truth. Eddie had absolutely no idea what he wanted to say to Buck or if he would even say anything to him but he needed him. Things aren’t the same without Buck around, home didn’t feel like home without him. 
Finger hovering over the button but he deletes the message, the phone getting tossed to the other side of the couch before getting up to check on Chris. 
----
The men find themselves in this situation rather often. Eddie texts Buck asking when Chris can see him, Eddie drops off Chris or sometimes Buck picks him up and then when Chris comes home, Eddie texts Buck to say thanks.
Sometimes Buck is the one watching the little grey dots appear and disappear but sometimes Eddie is the one who finds himself in that spot. 
It was as if they were two parents sharing joint custody of their son and having that awkwardness of what to say when the kid isn't around and honestly, that was exactly their situation. They played nice and spoke the bare minimum when Chris was around or if Chris had a school event and asked for them both to be there, they would both be there with their best smiles on and they'd make small talk with the other parents but the moment they stepped back out of that building, all of that went out the window. 
Without Chris around, their conversations were nonexistent. 
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and they turned into passing ships in the night. 
--- 
taglist: @mrs-dr-reid​ @yelenabelous​ @ickletheficklepickle​ @dralexreid​ @imaginebuck (cause you wanted some buddie angst)
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half-bakedboy · 3 years ago
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Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz | Rated T | Chapters 1/11 | Posting Every Other Day 
When Maddie showed up at the one-eighteen covered in bruises and needing a place to stay, Buck didn't hesitate to let her into his home and the new life he had created in L.A. While he was happy to have his sister back, he was tired of insisting to her that he wasn't as lonely as she accused him of being. So when she assumes he's in some secret relationship with his coworker and best friend, Eddie, Buck decides it couldn't hurt to tell a little white lie, especially when it meant his sister could focus on something that wasn't her own past.
Now Buck is stuck trying to navigate through a ruse of his own creation while dealing with newfound feelings for his best friend that seemed to sneak up on him.
Oh, and did he mention the mysterious accelerant that kept finding itself in his path, putting everyone he loves in danger?
read chapter one on ao3
“I’m just worried about you, Evan,” Maddie sighed into the phone. Buck’s heart did that stupid little stutter directly correlated with disappointing his sister and he held the phone away from his face as if that would lessen the guilt he felt. 
“Mads, I’m—”
“You’re not fine.” 
Buck sighed. “I wasn’t going to say fine. I was going to say—” Buck thought for a second, but his sister was right—as she usually was—and who was he to argue with her? “Alright, I was going to say fine, but it’s because it’s true!” Buck urged, hoping that the more times he said it, the more likely she’d be to believe it. (Maybe he could convince himself of the fact along the way.)
“It’s been almost two months since Abby—”
“Really, big sis? You just gotta bring that up?” He complained, groaning more than audibly as he stared up at the firehouse ceiling. He had found in the last few weeks of overtime shifts that counting the tiles and slabs that made up the structure was a great way to pass the time. 
“Yes, little bro, I have to bring it up because I’m—”
“—Worried about you.” Buck finished the sentence with her and prepared for annoyance or, at the very least, another deep sigh, but instead, she stayed quiet as if giving him the chance to speak up. 
Another sigh resonated before Maddie said, “You’re all alone in this big city with no family. You have to understand my worry.” 
“I do, I really do, but I’m finally finding myself here. The 118 has really taken me in as their own; they’re friends who almost qualify as family at this point!” Buck argued, running a hand through his hair. Maddie couldn’t possibly understand what his fellow firefighters had meant to him. 
“Have you at least started dating yet?” Maddie asked. Buck resisted the urge to hang up on her and took a deep breath as he considered her question. He could tell the truth, which was that he hadn’t so much as touched a woman since Abby tore his heart out of his chest and stomped it into the ground. 
Or

“I’m dabbling,” he decided to say instead. 
It wasn’t completely a lie. He had decided a few days ago with a lot of pressure from Hen and Karen that he needed to at least attempt to get back out there and downloaded one of the most popular dating apps he could find. He set up his profile—albeit very scarcely—and had been waiting for those likes to come in. What he wasn’t expecting was almost complete radio silence and for his ego to take a direct hit when Chim got a date within the first hour of downloading it. 
“Anyone I should know about?” For some reason, Buck wasn’t expecting the question. He thought that Maddie would shy away from asking or just be happy that Buck had divulged even just that little bit of information, but no. She just had to put her brother on the spot and have him panicking about what to say. 
“Soon?” He sputtered, immediately regretting his words the moment Maddie’s small squeal echoed through the speaker. 
“Evan Buckley, I knew you were keeping something from me the second you said you were fine! You knew that I wouldn’t just take that laying down, right? You must’ve!” The happiness in her voice broke Buck’s heart a little further and he couldn’t back down; not when her joy was so obvious in her rambling and the way she giggled into the phone. 
“I— It’s really new, Mads,” Buck muttered as he tilted his head to the side and let his phone rest against his cheek. 
“New is good and you deserve good, Buck,” Maddie said, the words like a gentle caress to his cheek that he would have leaned into if she was there. As if an idea had just occurred to her, Maddie gasped and said excitedly, “I’m gonna come visit. I’ve gotta meet this family of yours and you can’t avoid introducing me to whoever is making your life a little less lonely if I show up at your door.” Buck was annoyed that she had a point, but the prospect of having his sister around after a few years of space had his heart warming in his chest. 
“You’re welcome here any time, Mads. I’ve really missed—”
“I’ve gotta go,” Maddie said, her voice quieter and a bit more panicked than Buck would ever have wanted to hear. “Doug needs me to— Well, he just needs me. Will you please stop being such a stranger and let me in on your life from now on, little brother?” Buck rolled his eyes at the term of endearment but agreed easily anyway. 
“You know everything there is to know, sis.” 
He wished he could be surprised when he got the text a few hours later that a trip to L.A. just wasn’t in the cards for her.
----------------------------
The one-eighteen was quiet—though Buck wouldn’t dare say the word—for the majority of his shift a few days after his call with Maddie, which he was grateful for because Bobby was tabling his famous pasta bar as Buck skipped up the firehouse steps. The rest of the team was already seated in their usual spots and Buck took his next to the newest recruit, Eddie, elbowing his side as he leaned to scoop up the first piece of lasagna. 
“Ay, the rest of us eat first, unless you’re planning on serving me, Diaz,” Buck teased with an over-exaggerated wink.
“You know I just live to serve you, Buckley,” Eddie shot back easily and Buck couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up inside of him. It had been their thing since the new guy started. Buck would flirt with him until the rest of the team groaned or stopped it and apparently, Hen was at her wits end already if the piece of bread that slammed into Buck’s head was any indication. 
“ Jeez , Hen, we’re just having some fun,” Buck pouted, taking a large bite out of the piece of food that landed on his plate. 
“Do you always have to flirt with the newbie? It’s honestly sickening,” Hen complained with a roll of her eyes but Buck knew there was no heat in her words. He realized that look was all too similar to the one his sister would have given him. Buck laughed and tossed a grape tomato in her direction in retaliation. 
“There’s no stopping us now,” Buck assured her with a wink.  
And there really wasn’t. Buck and Eddie had been like that since the very beginning, and they only grew more comfortable and in sync in the few months they had spent working together. Eddie had joined the team as an openly gay single dad with no hesitation and Buck had respected that immediately. He was not one to hide his interest in any and all genders, but he wasn’t exactly waving a flag when he started at the one-eighteen. 
There was about a minute of silence when Eddie introduced himself before Buck decided that the best way to smooth him onto the team dynamic was to hit on him. Buck made a ridiculous come-on about a firehose that was brushed aside by the rest of the team, but Eddie laughed and gave it right back. The two had been fast friends ever since, much to the dismay of the rest of their team. 
“What’s everyone’s plans for the next three days off?” Buck asked as he stacked both his and Eddie’s plates full of food, tossing an untouched piece of bread behind his back that Eddie caught seamlessly just before it landed in his salad dressing. 
“Christopher and I have a Marvel marathon planned that I couldn’t even try to get out of,” Eddie offered, slurping up a spaghetti noodle as Buck sat back down. “Which reminds me that he wanted me to ask you if you could come?” Eddie asked, peering at Buck out of the corner of his eye. Buck wasn’t sure where the sudden shyness had come from, but before he could ask or answer, Bobby was chiming in. 
“May and Harry are with Michael so I will be finally showing Athena that my cooking skills are not just for show,” Bobby said with a large smile on his face. Buck liked seeing him like that, unapologetically happy for the new life he was starting. 
“I’m planning on sleeping until my alarm goes off in three days,” Chim laughed from where he leaned back in his chair. “What about you, Buckaroo?” 
“Well, I was going to try and find a date because my sister won’t stop bugging me about being single, but
” He trailed off, cupping Eddie’s shoulder tightly in his hand, “I just got an offer I’d be a fool to refuse.” 
Eddie smiled and shrugged off Buck’s touch with a fond roll of his eyes before they focused on his plate. Buck glanced around at his team with an uncontrollable smile on his face as they bantered and laughed and listened intently to whatever story Hen was telling about her son, Denny. He thought back to his conversation with Maddie and how worried she had sounded for him, as if he was alone without Abby. 
He wasn’t. His team—their laughter and camaraderie, their friendship and love, their shared stories and experience—was everything he needed.
----------------------------
Buck was stuck with the dishes once the table was cleared, but he didn’t mind. He liked to get lost in the mundane task of scrubbing and cleaning, the clanging of the dishes a friendly reminder that he had spent much-needed bonding time with his team. Plus, doing the dishes meant he got to decide where they would go out after their shift and he had the best places in mind. 
“Ma’am, are you okay?” Buck heard Chim’s voice softer than he expected from the second-floor terrace. 
“I’m— That’s just the question of the day, isn’t it?” Buck’s heart dropped as he recognized the all too familiar voice and before he could think twice, his legs were bringing him down the stairs in a sprint. “I’m looking for—”
“Maddie?” Buck asked. When she turned, he caught sight of the bruises littering her face and peaking out from underneath the collar of her shirt. The long sleeves did nothing to hide the darkness around her wrists and she didn’t even try to cover up the gashes on her cheek and lip.
“Hey, Evan,” she said weakly, a forced smile tugging at her lips. Buck had her in his arms before her legs could fully give out and he held her tightly to his chest, careful of the soreness he knew was probably hidden underneath her clothes. 
“Hey, hey, I got you. I got you, you’re okay,” Buck whispered into her hair as she sobbed, nails clawing at his back that probably would have hurt if he wasn’t so focused on providing his sister comfort. He caught Chim’s eyes over her shoulder, EMT bag in hand, and shook his head, searching the room for Hen. Chim seemed to understand exactly what he was doing and ran to the back where Buck was pretty sure Hen was resting. 
“I didn’t know where else to go,” Maddie choked out as she tried to pull away. Buck wouldn’t let her, though, as he threaded his fingers through her hair and kissed her temple softly. 
“Here is perfect, okay? Don’t worry about it,” Buck reassured. He wasn’t sure exactly what to say to her. He had known her relationship with Doug wasn’t the best and there was no doubt in his mind that that monster had hurt her. The way her body trembled and her voice shook had Buck feeling uneasy himself as he led her to one of the more comfortable couches in the station. 
“Hey, sweetie, I’m Hen. You’re Buck’s sister? Maddie?” Hen said as she approached, carefully as if walking up to an easily spooked animal. Buck appreciated it as much as it hurt him to see. 
“That’s me, the overbearing big sister,” Maddie attempted to joke, but it fell flat to everyone that had gathered around except for Buck. 
“I don’t think I ever used the word ‘overbearing’ specifically. Maybe persistent, annoying was probably dropped in there a time or two,” Buck teased. He was too grateful when Maddie’s hand came up to swat his shoulder to focus on the wince on her face at the movement. 
“She can’t be worse than you, Buckaroo,” Chim chimed in from where he stood a few feet away, flanked by Bobby and Eddie, who Buck noted was paying closer attention to where he kneeled beside his sister than he was at Maddie like everyone else. 
“I promise I’m not,” Maddie said weakly. Buck held onto her hand delicately as Hen settled beside her, the EMT bag on her lap. 
“Any family of Buck’s is family of ours,” Bobby stated, nodding at Hen as if giving her the okay to fully check up on her. 
“He’s told me a lot about you guys, his family away from family. I—” Maddie’s breath hitched as Hen pressed her thumbs over the bruises along her collarbones and she pressed her lips together to compose herself before she continued. “I’m sorry for barging in this way, looking like—”
“—Like a Buckley?” Eddie offered, easing the bit of tension of what wasn’t being said in the room. Buck sent him a thankful nod as he squeezed his sister’s hand. “We’ve heard y’all are prone to accidents. The number of times I’ve had to patch up this one on company time is too many and counting.” Buck laughed and tossed a friendly finger in Eddie’s direction, smiling when Maddie seemed to relax at the banter. 
“This one is always tossing himself into the fire quite literally, huh?” Maddie asked. Buck could tell she was relieved to have the conversation moved away from her and he didn’t mind being the target for her benefit. 
“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’m pretty sure Buck would put anyone before himself.” Eddie’s voice was a lot closer than Buck had expected and he didn’t realize how much tension was building up inside of him until Eddie’s hand landed in between his shoulder blades. He glanced up to catch his friend’s eye, smiling softly at the steady and comforting press on his back. 
“Yeah, that’s exactly who he is,” Maddie muttered. When Buck glanced up at her, her eyes were narrowed and darted back and forth between him and Eddie accusatorily. That was not good . Buck cleared his throat.
“Can you guys give us a minute?” Buck asked.
Eddie ran his hand up to Buck’s shoulder, squeezing gently and Buck couldn’t resist reaching up to let his palm brush over the back of Eddie’s hand, letting him know how much the gesture was appreciated. Bobby and Chim hesitantly nodded in response before they all disappeared, leaving an even more tense Maddie and nerve-filled Buck alone with Hen who was treating the cut on Maddie’s cheek. 
As if scared for Buck to ask, Maddie offered, “It had been a few months, Buck. I thought— I really thought he had changed.” Buck sighed and rested his forehead on Maddie’s knee, relaxing only marginally when Maddie’s hand patted the back of his head. 
“What was it this time? Did you argue with him a little too hard? Maybe you didn’t reach the level of perfection he always required of you?” 
“Buck—” Hen warned, shooting a look that could kill in Buck’s direction. 
“No, it’s— It’s okay. He’s right either way,” Maddie relented with a deep sigh. “It had been building since I said I wanted to visit you in L.A. I told him that you had alluded to seeing someone and that I wanted to see if it was true. He said I couldn’t go, that he was the only family I needed, and when I argued against that
” Maddie trailed off, gesturing to her face and that was enough for Buck to put together what happened next. 
“He did this because of me?” Buck’s voice shook as he glanced back at his sister, reaching a hand up to stroke a finger over the dark bruise on her jaw. Maddie grabbed it and turned toward her brother, leveling their eyes together with a protectiveness in them that provided him the calm he needed. 
“This was not your fault, Evan,” Maddie said sternly. 
“It’s neither of your faults,” Hen added, resting her palm on Maddie’s arm softly. Maddie nodded and smiled at Hen as brightly as she could given the circumstances. 
“She’s right and I came here because I can’t have this happen anymore,” Maddie stated, holding onto Buck’s hand a little tighter. “You mentioned your captain’s girlfriend was a cop?” 
Buck nodded and wrapped his arms around his sister, wishing he had never let go in the first place.
----------------------------
Athena had arrived at the station quicker than Buck had expected her to. Upon seeing him, she pulled him into a tight hug that he didn’t realize he had needed so much before disappearing into Bobby’s empty office with Maddie. He didn’t trust just anyone with his sister, but the second the door shut, he felt like he could finally take a breath. 
He was flanked by both Hen and Eddie in a flash while Chim paced in front of them, chewing on a piece of beef jerky to stay occupied. Bobby watched from above, silently observing his team, and looking ready to step in if Buck needed it. They were all there for him and when the door finally opened after what felt like hours later, the smile that tugged at the corner of Maddie’s lips told Buck she had seen just that. 
“Again, I’m really sorry for—” Athena shook her head and pointed a finger at Maddie, effectively stopping her unneeded apology. 
“You’ll only have to be sorry if you don’t let this one take care of you the way you deserve,” she said, raising her eyebrows like a challenge. Maddie pressed her lips together and nodded bashfully as she leaned into the arm Buck had thrown around her neck. 
“Buck, shift’s just about over. Why don’t you show your sister where she’ll be staying?” Bobby said. It was an order as much as a suggestion but Buck was going to take him up on it either way. 
“Yeah, that sounds great. Let me know if you need me to come back in.” Bobby silenced him with one look.
“We can survive the next hour without you, man,” Eddie chimed in. He walked over and pulled Buck into a one-armed hug as if he knew nothing could pry him away from his sister. Buck was grateful for the extra warmth Eddie provided him, either way.
“If you guys need anything, you know where we’ll be,” Hen assured, rubbing a gentle palm down Maddie’s arm until their hands were connected. Maddie squeezed it tightly and mouthed her thanks at Hen who brushed it off with a wave of her hand. 
“I can’t thank you guys enough,” Buck began, but he stopped himself from saying any more before any of his team could argue. “I’ll see you in a few days?” He asked, directing his attention to Bobby so he could let his captain know that his sister arriving wouldn’t impact his work. As if he already knew, Bobby nodded and wrapped an arm around Athena’s waist. 
“We’ll probably see you before then,” Bobby offered with a slight wink and Buck laughed. 
“You guys sure I can steal my little brother away early?” Maddie asked nervously. 
“Now that you’ve teased us with him leaving, you can’t take it back,” Eddie said from beside Buck. They both had to laugh and Buck punched Eddie’s arm in retaliation only for Eddie to grab onto his hand tightly, not letting him pull away yet. His voice was low as he muttered, “You’ll let me know if you need anything?” 
It was meant to be a question, but Buck knew it wasn’t. Everyone around them was so focused on Maddie and her injuries—which Buck couldn’t blame them for—that none of them really stopped to think how tough the next few days may be for the Buckley’s as a whole. But not Eddie. Just one glance from his friend told Buck that Eddie was well aware of the toll this might take on Buck’s good-natured mind and that Eddie was going to be there through it all. 
“Yeah,” Buck confirmed, resting a hand on Eddie’s neck in a friendly gesture of comfort, “I’ll call you.”
----------------------------
“I’m not going back there,” Maddie said the minute the door to Buck’s apartment shut. 
“I know you’re not,” Buck agreed because even if she hadn’t made the choice herself, he wasn’t going to see his big sister hurt like that again. 
“I grabbed what I could before I left and it’s going to take me a little while to get back on my feet, but—”
“Hey,” Buck said gently, wrapping his arms around his sister once more, “we’re gonna figure this out. It’s always been just the two of us, right? Sure, a few years have gone by, but you’re still the most important person in the world to me and we’re going to figure this out.” He repeated, believing the words so fully that Maddie must have, too. Her shoulders slumped in either relaxation or defeat, Buck couldn’t be sure which, and she pulled away enough for Buck to press a soft kiss to her forehead. 
“Can I stay here for a little? Just until—”
“Maddie, stop. You’re staying here whether you like it or not,” Buck said with a laugh, ruffling her hair in his hand before she could swat him away. 
“I just don’t want to impose on any guests you might have around,” Maddie said, crossing her arms over her chest and glancing around his apartment as if looking for signs of additional life. 
Buck sighed, “Go take a shower while I make up some dinner.” Maddie’s laugh was so refreshing, the tension of the last few hours seemed to fall right off of his shoulders. 
When he heard the water turn on, he busied himself with finding dinner even though he was still full from the large lunch at the station. He wasn’t sure when the last time Maddie had eaten was but her skin was too pale even through the bruises for him not to offer her something good. He rummaged through his cabinets for way too long, losing track of time as he listened to Maddie’s voice stop and start in the shower. 
He used to love listening to her sing. She had always been carefree and beautiful and that was always something he admired. He could hear the hesitance in her voice as she weakly sang through the chorus of one of her favorite country songs and wished he could heal whatever it was inside that had her balking. Buck loved her more than anything in the world.
With a deep breath, he reminded himself that she had made that first step, the one he had wanted her to so many years before. He smiled to himself, grateful that she made it back to him mostly in one piece. Even though she didn’t have that fire in her eyes that he remembered, he knew that her deciding to come home to him was the spark she needed to light it back up. 
A knock at the door had him cursing because the water had shut off and he still didn’t have dinner on the table. When he opened the door and saw Eddie, two pizza boxes in hand, he thought he might cry. 
“I figured you usually go grocery shopping with Chris and I and we’re running low on food for two so—” Buck interrupted him by wrapping him another suffocatingly tight hug. 
“Man, you could not have arrived at a better fucking time,” Buck sighed with relief. “I can’t believe you did this for her,” he muttered mostly to himself. Eddie opened his mouth, but before he could respond, Maddie trotted down the stairs, patting her hair down with a towel. 
“Eddie, right?” She asked, a twinkle in her eye that Buck wasn’t too fond of given the situation. “Did you bring us dinner?” 
Eddie nodded and mumbled, “Yeah, for, uh, you actually.” Buck took the pizza boxes from his hands and Eddie immediately ran his fingers through the hair on the back of his neck as if suddenly bashful. Buck thought he looked more adorable than usual but brushed it aside. 
“That is so sweet of you,” Maddie said, knocking her hip against Buck’s. “Isn’t that so sweet of him, Evan?” Eddie snickered and Buck knew it was because of the use of his first name. He shot an unimpressed glance at Eddie who pressed his lips together in return as if holding back more laughter. 
“Eddie’s just a regular old saint if you ask anyone,” Buck explained with much more sarcasm in his voice than he really intended. Maddie didn’t seem to notice as she smiled up at Eddie. 
“Are you staying for dinner? I’m sure Buck would appreciate the company,” Maddie said happily, side-eyeing Buck as if he’d even thought to go against her words. 
“Oh, no, I gotta get back to my kid,” Eddie said, gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder. Buck knew Christopher wasn’t with him or else he would have asked them both to come inside. 
“You have a kid?” Maddie asked, mouth agape for reasons Buck didn’t know but would definitely ask her about later. 
“Yeah, Christopher. He’s—”
“—The best kid in the entire world,” Buck interrupted, turning to his sister. “Maddie, this kid is a spitfire and he’s got jokes and comebacks for everything, I swear! And he’s like the smartest 8-year-old I’ve ever met, not that I’ve hung out with many 8-year-olds, but still. You’re gonna love him!” Buck decided. He must have been rambling as both his sister and Eddie were staring over at him with amused looks on their faces. “
What?” 
“I mean, I was just gonna tell her his age, but I guess all that stuff is true, too,” Eddie teased. He flinched when Buck swatted at him with the hand that wasn’t holding the pizza. 
“He sounds incredible. I hope I get to meet him?” Maddie asked. Buck nodded quickly and a smile Buck wasn’t sure he had ever seen before tugged at the corner of Eddie’s lips. Buck was just about to offer for them to come over the following night when he remembered what he had already agreed to. 
“Oh, crap. The Marvel movie night!” Buck exclaimed as he finally set the pizzas down on the side table. “Did you already tell Chris I was gonna join?” 
“Yeah, but it’s totally fine. I’m sure he’ll understand that your sister is here and—”
“Nonsense! You promised that kid a movie night, he’s gonna get a movie night!” Maddie shouted as she opened up the pizza box and helped herself to a slice. Buck was glad she seemed to still have the appetite he remembered. “I don’t mind having a night to myself. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to just cry over a sad Hallmark movie with a glass of wine, you know?” Buck didn’t, but he also really wanted to hang out with the Diazes. 
“We can always reschedule. Marvel isn’t going anywhere,” Eddie offered, but Maddie just shook her head and slapped Buck’s arm like it was his job to convince Eddie he would be a fool to do that. 
“I’ll be over tomorrow at five with sandwiches to pay you back for tonight, okay?” Buck said softly, holding Eddie’s bicep in his palm. A blush covered his face and Buck wasn’t sure why he was being so nervous all of a sudden; they bantered and touched like that all the time. 
“Yeah, okay. Maddie, thank you for letting me steal him and enjoy the pizza. Buck, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.” He waved as he backed away and Buck watched as he jumped into his car and drove off. 
Once the door was shut, Maddie smacked him on the arm and Buck recoiled, sending a confused glance at his sister. 
“What the hell was that for?” Buck asked, rubbing his skin even though it really didn’t hurt that bad. 
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were dating a coworker !” Maddie shouted, gaping at Buck with joy in her eyes that he had missed more than he realized. He was so focused on her happiness, it took him more than a few reasonable moments to realize what she had said. 
“I’m— Wait, what?” Buck asked, pausing mid-bite on the piece of the pepper and sausage pizza he made a mental reminder to thank Eddie for tomorrow. 
“Eddie?!” Maddie repeated in a squeal. “I knew after our conversation that whoever you were dating wasn’t just any old person, but another firefighter? A male firefighter at that? No wonder you didn’t want to tell me yet!” Buck blanched and finished chewing his pizza carefully so as to not choke. 
“Maddie, I mean this with no malice and all confusion; what the absolute fuck are you talking about?” Maddie scoffed and grabbed the pizza boxes, wandering to the living room and placing them on the coffee table. She made her way into the kitchen to grab two beers from the fridge before settling down next to Buck who had to sit on the couch and think before he fell over. 
“Oh, you cannot even pretend that you guys aren’t head over heels for each other. The hand on your back at the station? The side hug? Bringing you pizza after a rough day? The blushing?!” Maddie raised her eyebrows at Buck and he honestly didn’t know how to respond. 
He should have said it was nothing. He should have said they were the only two openly not-straight men that he knew of who worked at the LAFD and were closer because of that. He should have said that they were just friends who put their lives at risk for each other every day so their relationship was bound to be special. He should have said all of that. 
But Maddie looked so happy and carefree so instead, he lied. 
“It’s
 really new,” he said, echoing the words he had told her before she came to L.A. Her squeal of delight was enough for any regret he might have had to wash away and for his heart to soar that he could put that bright smile back on his sister’s face. 
“Evan Buckley, you have to tell me everything !”  Maddie crossed her legs on the couch and settled back against the cushions, making herself comfortable in the place Buck had started to call home. Even with the bruises and cuts littering her face, she looked at ease, and Buck smiled over at her widely. 
“There’s nothing to tell, Mads. He started at the station a few months ago and we just
 hit it off. Like I said, it’s new and he’s
 good.” He wasn’t sure why he had hesitated but he hoped she didn’t read too much into it. When she rested a gentle hand on his bicep and squeezed, he knew she had believed every word of what he had said. The fact it wasn’t a total lie was the only reason he didn’t let his guilt build up too much just yet. 
“I’m really proud of you, you know?” Maddie said softly, moving her hand up to cup the side of his face and brush her thumb along his cheekbone. He melted into the touch and closed his eyes, the words resonating through him as the ones he always longed to hear. 
“What for?” Buck asked. 
Maddie sighed and said, “For being you.” She tapped his nose with the tip of her finger before she added, “Now tell me all about him!”
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ellelans · 4 years ago
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9-1-1 4x01 random thoughts:
obviously there are spoilers under cut,for this and possibly future episodes so enter at your own risk.
* This show is like an excellent disaster movie but on a smaller scale-as a fan of all disaster movies ever I enjoyed the dam break way too much.And then there was the whole bus crash thing?NICE.And now there is a mudslide taking out the Hollywood sign?CAN IT BE NEXT WEEK ALREADY lol
* On a more serious note:brave Athena,who is still terrified of being out there is now trapped in that house?!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH.Bobby almost getting blown up and giving me and Buck a small heart attack?AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
* May the dispatcher: makes sense to take a gap year during the pandemic.Also from what I remember Athena and Michael weren't ecrazy happy about May's bf taking a gap year,so I am not expecting them to be thrilled about May doing it too and working a hella stressful job. Another thing that makes sense-Harry staying with Michael,if Michael works from home and can take care of him. Athena did say Harry went to live with his dad after quarantine right? Anyways way to go Michael scoring a hot doctor bf and already living with him!Thumbs up,seriously.
* Living arrangements.You know what I NEVER expected? Is for Maddie to live wih Albert.Like anything else wouldn't surprise me at all-but Chim bunking with Buck while Maddie lives with Albert? That was unexpected af. From spoilers we know that Chim has some kind of communication problems with Maddie and has no idea how to talk to her or something,so I am sure we will get more about that later and at some point he and Maddie will reunite.Other than that? Mango Han-Buckley is a good name for a kid lol
* Buck's mystery woman/covid crush-meh.'It's not like that with us' 'She is just a woman you talk to for hours at time'...I am sure its gonna be a big reveal but I am def not thinking about a girlfriend. Why all the secrecy? I mean I can def understand having an online crush/fckbuddy/friend with benefits you won't tell your friends about-but I highly doubt this is about sex or anything romantic.So I am very curious and fandom's therapist theory absolutely makes sense to me. But maybe just a support buddy? Tho therapist more likely.
* "Eddie and Hen went back to their kids months ago.You're the only one still going all World War Z." - are you saying that Eddie and Hen an d Chim all lived together with Buck during the first wave/quarantine? Because if you do I need flashbacks from that!!!! Also barely any Hen or Eddie in this episode and that's meh too.
* Let me talk about Eddie for a minute or two-HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL?!!!!  I dunno about you ppl but for months I was wondering how he is gonna look like in S4 because Eddie changed his looks a few times by now and its an important issue when you're me ok? Also they treated Eddie/Ryan like he doesn't exist so we barely got any pics and finally we got to see him in all glory and he is BEAUTIFUL.And I was just sitting there,staring at him with hearts in my eyes...you know for these few short scenes he was in?I need more Eddie next time please.I very much enjoyed him being pretty and a competent badass firefighter,but I just need more!
* I believe that the reason we didn't get enough Hen or Eddie is because there was more focus on Athena and Maddie,but during next episodes we'll def get more of them since 911 will get divided and hopefully we’ll get more info about their quarantine situations away from kids. And of course we know that Hen Eddie and Buck go to Texas soon so we'll get more of them later.
* buddie-two lovely scenes and I just really love watching them work together?They're an excellent team and also I have a competence kink so.....;P
* covid stuff-I think they handled it very well and wrote Janell's backstory perfectly to showcase how horrid pandemic was/is but in few short scenes.I am glad they set S4 in September,we already lived through the scariest times and were indeed getting used to new abnormal. Some of us were already dealing with second wave and another lockdown  so it kinda feels like the right time.
Anyways good solid episode now gimme 402 asap I am  ready :D
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