#ed: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[emikomusubi]

the xenk/edgin dynamic is hilarious bc xenk is like edgin🥰i have the utmost faith in you and your oath to me🥰i will gladly save your life and explicitly trust you to do the same🥰it brings me great joy to see you reawaken as the harper you are meant to be 🥰 here take my hand🥰 and edgin is like Fuck U. *takes hand*

[iluvaspartame]

tw talking about weight/bmi/ed sorry yall

my bmi is on the low end of normal but i just feel like i look so fat. ive never been able to have a flat stomach, even when my bmi was 14.7 i couldn’t get to a flat stomach. my legs are short so they look fat. my arms are rlly fat too. i feel like every scale is lying to me even though they all tell me the same thing. i think i need a gym membership but i wouldn’t even know what to do in the gym. how do i get to the body i want??? i have no idea. like how do i get small and toned it cant just be cardio. idk. my first instinct is always to st*rve but i can’t let myself get back into that even tho i want to. i don’t want to lose all my hair again. the good thing is ive been slowly losing weight unintentionally. i’m glad my job keeps me on my feet. but i just feel sorry to myself for being back in this mindset. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck everything

[jamesharrys]

ohmygod, simon didn't wake up one day wanting to fuck ross up, debbie sent him in ross's direction, fuck off with your self-righteousness cain

[fatesinthenight]

Did you see Markimoo is going on tour!!! :o

Yes!!!! I want to go sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go with my boyfriend so much!! (He is the one that showed me Mark in the first place, he had been watching him since the beginning and I have been watching him for only 3 years) Im going to go into a corner of sadness cuz I don't think I can go though and the closest I can go is the one in San Diego and  still cant drive yet and my bf cant too so no ride and the month Mark will be there is actually my birthday month (January) later day but still so that would be a awesome early birthday gift. O look my tears have already made a ocean... o look he said he would play his guitar for VIP guests... and most likely it will be Ed Sheeran...I love Ed Sheeran I have his three albums and know his songs by heart and sing them all the time and have a shirt from Hot Topic... welp back to more crying ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (This turned into a sad realization fast but yay to the people who get to go wooooo hope they have fun)

[castielfucks]

I feel so stupid and super fucking gross why does food have to be so terrifying why cant I be normal

[flusterpress]

maybe it’s tmi but.....

i feel more lost than I have in a long while. Everything is good.  It really is.  And it one breath I can acknowledge this all and be fine.  I am in my first GOOD & HEALTHY relationship and somehow in the blink of an eye I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. *edit- which come to think of it is why I always felt more comfortable choosing douchebags- edit*  My self-confidence has truly plummeted but in a different way than usual.  I don’t hate my body which is good... I instead now feel a sense of uselessness that I have never felt before.  Mixed with a huge sense of not-deserving-ness (don’t worry I know that’s not a for real word).  I don’t feel worthy of basically everything and everyone in my life.  I am so anxious about the end of next year.  I feel myself implode at the slightest thought of it even though my plans are cozy and lovely and warm.  I worry about not being strong enough to find myself a career I feel fulfilled in- that I’m never going to be good enough. I worry that I did not pursue that which I truly love. I worry about my worries being a burden on others if I go to mention them (not because any one has made me feel like I have a reason to believe it-- it’s all just internal mumbo jumbo ).

And i can acknowledge that this is largely in part of the fact that my hormones are so out of wack because my b/c - once again- isn’t working any longer and I’m not getting two periods a month.  But even if it’s amplified by hormones the base worry is still there.

I just feel out of control.  And all my previous habits for control were never healthy (ie: eating disorders, self harm, etc). *edit- Well now that I think of it i write and create and cross stitch /clean when I’m stressed too so not allllllllll, but the easier cop out methods.*-  I know I’m past letting those emotions control me enough to let them drive me, but the lingering thought is there and it’s just tricky.  Not really the self-harm because that was such a timid thing but mostly the ED.

And the meanwhile through all of this I just want to be the stable one for other people.  I want to make every one else feel better right now because everyone I know is going through tough stuff.   I know you can’t compare pain but I can’t help but feel like my worries are nominal.  It’s all such privileged bullshit and that’s what drives me the craziest.   I guess I just need to give myself perspective.  

I need to go outside and focus on the moon and focus on my breath and appreciate all the life around me. Every damn blade of grass and gush of cold air.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I need my brain to just shut off for a little bit.  Take a vacation and let me just be.

[personal-bitchings]

so idk I just feel like goin on a bit of a rant tonight bc idk. So it's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week which is super awesome in theory but like, it's literally just all my friends from treatment posting pics from their lowest weights and I am sO tRiGGeReD !! Like I get u wanna raise awareness but like, post pics from ur recovery, not ur illness. Ugh and it totally perpetuates the stereotype that everyone w/ an ED is skin and bones and needs to be hospitalized. Like no one's struggle can be reduced to numbers and figures and ppl always make it about that. Like one of the boys I met posted his actual lowest weight and I was like, my dude!!! That triggers me!!! And maybe that says something about the place I'm in but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm just so frustrated honestly.