#dw purple you get to plan your dates

[lunathejaguar]

the next time you'll see him, what? marry him🤨

anyways, hear me out they had a rivalry when they where elite soldiers bc they wanted to be rule irk by themselves and miyuki never told them that they'd be co-rulers (bc i guess she felt problematic that day)....

edit: guess who realised they forgot the "i" in "the next time i see him i will-" sentence (me)

[tinycoffeeroom]

thank god for bikes | arthurtv

inspired by @mrstelevision 🤍

face claim: steph bohrer ♡

request: here !

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

📍 london

liked by gkbarry, max_balegde, and 98,302 others

y/nsworld about last night ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

view all 3,392 comments

user1 i'm in love with you

gkbarry cant believe i didn't even get photo creds ↳ y/nsworld please forgive my sins oh great gkbarry

user2 y/n!! i think the guys u mentioned on ur twt was george clarke and arthurtv!! arthur posted on twt about george getting hit by a bike on a wall!! ↳ y/nsworld !! let me check his twt <3

liked by y/nsworld, wroetoshaw and 29,492 others

arthurtv first pic taken moments before disaster (at least this one won't leave a scar)

georgeclarkeey don't know what was worse, the bike ptsd or you dribbling down your shirt ↳ arthurtv your mum doesn't mind my dribbling ↳ y/nsworld the dribbling was funnier to watch tbh ↳ georgeclarkeey take that mr television

gkbarry i didn't even notice it was you guys hiding in the corner ↳ georgeclarkeey just wanted some alone time with my boyfriend x ↳ arthurtv stop telling people i'm your boyfriend!!

👤 max_balegde liked by max_balegde, arthurtv and 38,028 others

y/nsworld wine in coffee cups and classic literature in a park, my idea of heaven ꕤ

max_balegde got home off my head and now andrews mad i've ruined dinner plans ↳ y/nsworld andrew baby im so sorry :( ↳ andrew_spanndy could never blame you xx ↳ max_balegde god just date her already wooooow

gkbarry regret introducing the two of you, my poor ears will never recover from this ↳ y/nsworld thats your fault for putting two professional yappers together xx

arthurtv pretty sure that's bride you're reading... wouldn't call werewolf smut classic literature ↳ y/nsworld and how do YOU know what's in the book? 🤨

👤 arthur_tv, max_balegde liked by y/nsworld, arthurnfhill and 30,395 others

georgeclarkeey totally normal photo to promote the newest useless hotline ep x

max_balegde rip my purple crocs... can't believe y/n stole them right off my feet... ↳ user2 !!! y/n at the arthurtv podcast recording?? my y/ntv senses are tingling ↳ user3 i'm pretty sure she was there bc her and max are friends... ♥️ y/nsworld ↳ user2 they've never randomly had their friends at recordings, dw you'll join the y/ntv cult soon

📍 ibiza

👤 georgeclarkeey, chrismd, arthurnfhill liked by arthurnfhill, y/nsworld and 45,028 others

arthurtv thank you spotify for inviting us out! (photo cred: y/nsworld)

user2 i am going to scream from the rooftops, y/ntv'ers unite!!

y/nsworld should receive compensation for having to look at george's bare grippers the entire weekend ↳ arthurtv will bring round some wine this weekend ↳ y/nsworld good boy ↳ user2 ... y'all are fucking with me atp

📍 ibiza

liked by arthurtv, gkbarry and 83,028 others

y/nsworld beach bum 𓇼

gkbarry happiness looks so good on you ↳ y/nsworld i love the bones of you

user2 !! WHO TOOK THE PHOTO I FEEL INSANE ↳ y/nsworld my friend! :)

📍 ibiza

liked by y/nsworld, georgeclarkeey and 49,204 others

arthurtv decided to stay in the sunshine a few more days :)

user3 user2 i fear you may be onto something ↳ user2 i'm gonna eat glass. like i am actually putting shards in my mouth rn ↳ y/nsworld omg pls don't

y/nsworld looking good mr television ↳ arthurtv why thank you miss world

liked by arthurtv, max_balegde and 83,028 others

y/nsworld use code ynsworld for 15% off ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

max_balegde leaving my bf for you rn. ↳ andrew_spanndy not if i leave you first ↳ y/nsworld i can date both of you at the same time xx

arthurtv djsidjief djg ↳ y/nsworld you ok mr television?

y/nsworld didn't even think about what i was wearing when i went to go see mr hill sing about cold coffee, sorry guys you got the wrong arthur xx

POST DELETED

👤 y/nsworld liked by y/nsworld, arthurnfhill and 93,294 others

arthurtv someone forgot to change over to their finsta so i guess it's hard launch time... somehow got the most gorgeous girl on earth to agree to date me, must be my fantastic sense of humour

y/nsworld lbr most of them already knew, we weren't exactly subtle ↳ arthurtv speak for yourself xx

theburntchip it's the big ol' hog you got in them trousers ♥️ y/nsworld ↳ arthurtv ah yes forgot about that

max_balegde take care of her or me and andrew are snatching her real quick ↳ y/nsworld ... i may have to do some rethinking

user2 i can't believe i was right... VINDICATION ♥️ arthurtv, y/nsworld

👤 arthur_tv liked by arthurtv, gkbarry and 104,845 others

y/nsworld told him i forgot to change to finsta but really i just wanted to show that i bagged a hottie ✮⋆˙

georgeclarkeey still can't believe you snatched him from right under my nose ↳ y/nsworld we're still in the honeymoon phase so i may give him back x ↳ arthurtv what the fuck

gkbarry crying into a pint of ice cream thanks xx ↳ y/nsworld you know you're the love of my life xx

y/nsworld also user2 sorry for gaslighting you xx ↳ user2 i have never been so happy to be gaslighted could do a happy lil cry ↳ y/nsworld our fave y/ntv'er we love you ♡

[sugar-omi]

I need to know… for science… if when merman!Cove turns human, does he end up naked like Ariel in the Little mermaid?

ANON.... THE GASP I JUST GASPED pls i immediately started imagining it and i had to stifle a laugh 🙈🤭&lt;3 anyway this spiraled but i hope this answers your question 🫶🫶 somehow i think i contributed more to your research than you asked for but were thinking (projecting much naeomi? LMAO /lh)

i got another ask before this one for (innocent) mer!cove hc's, it can be found here: ["merman cove headcanons"] related: ["D&D headcanons for OL1+2"]

tags : Suggestive + crack, drabble

+ NSFW under the cut, monster dick? jfc i never thought i'd type that out....., monster fucking (implied/ment)

synopsis : merman cove when he turns into a human. and a bit on what's under his clothes/scales.

well... i would like to tell you no but yeah yeah he is

cove keeps a "sash" around him, so when he wants to shift, he just ties it around his waist until he puts some pants on

(i imagine he has some fins around his hips perhaps? so he keeps it across his chest. at least keeps it there so it doesn't interrupt his swimming)

omg, imagine you plan to meet one day, and cove thinks he has enough time to run into the beach house and put on some pants before you arrive

so he shifts and starts going to the beach house but then, in the corner of his eye he sees a figure clad in your favorite color and-

it's you. wide-eyed, open-mouthed, and you're so obviously flustered

cove is frozen (a mistake)

and when you glance down, blinking owlishly, does cove yelp and dives back into the ocean....

well... needless to say i think you might need to reschedule n cove will see you in like 7 to 8 business days 😬😬

ofc it's before you're dating so cove is freaking the fuck out

for a bit after that, you meet at whatever location you've decided on until cove can stomach seeing you at the beach again <3 poor baby

i had no intention of talking abt his dick but... I must. and someone will ask anyway right? (im projecting n justifying myself LMAO)

+ in his mer form:

of course we got the typical slit in the tail whatever blah blah if you've read mermaid smut before you alrdy know

(im realizing how many.... interesting. fics i've read... no one say ANYTHING<//3)

his dick is so pretty like this but also so intimidating

because cove is so much bigger in merman form than he is in human form, although he's still impressive then.

anyway, cove's dick has the same gradient as his ears

the base is a deep blue-purple color, the tip of his dick is the same flesh tone of his tan but it has more of a purple undertone <3

now the shape

oh lord...

it's fat.

but to start light... his dick has a nice curve, and don't worry! its not a fight to put in kind of fat, but he has a knot of sorts though...

i wouldn't say it grows n you're stuck together like in a/b/o fics, but it is a small feat to pull out (this is the moment I realized imma end up writing a mer!cove smut fic 💀)

i was going to say he has a piercing down there, but i take that back. he does have ridges though on the underside of his dick

they smooth out the closer you get to the tip, and honestly, they are most prominent around the base

+ in his human form

it's normal!

well... if you ignore the way he's a bit thicker than the average man

(especially at the base, although it's not as prominent as his 'knot')

also that he still has the ridges on the underside of his dick...

other than that it's basically the same as a humans!

at least it's not as girthy as in his mer form

your finger tips can't even touch in his mer form, at least in his human form you're...

well you're closer than before <3

of course, he still has that sweet curve. and if anything, it's a bit more prominent since you aren't being stretched out n overpowered by this huge merman 🧜‍♂️

length is this the same 6-6.5 inches though <3

actually i take that back... I think in mer form, he's around 7 inches

if you're worried abt where all that dick is gonna go, dw a good couple inches is his 'knot' so just don't catch him during mating season and you're okay<3

speaking of mating season....

oh man i didn't even think abt it but he's feral

i think mermaids/sirens release a pheromone during sex, no matter what, but during mating season it's stronger

it's just to calm their partner and make them more relaxed. during mating season, though, it also becomes more like an aphrodisiac

and he's releasing more of these pheromones during this time, a more subconscious thing that otherwise he could control normally.

and ofc, unless you're not worried abt it bc you can't get preg, take some type of birth control potion, or want it. cove's one goal is to breed or mate you

if you're unmated, full expect cove to claim you during this time. now i'm not gonna say smth about biting your scent gland or some shit, but i do think it's like some kind of ritual shit

i imagine its something like cove adding a drop of your fluids (spit, blood, cum) into the special ritual juice and drinking it, then when you wake up next you find a matching "tattoo" on you and cove

or if you're basic (or a masochist) then yeah we'll go w the biting thing

besides that need to claim you, he wants you so bad

to fill you up, to fuck you dumb on his cock, and please you...

he just needs you. but he really does try to hold back, especially since if you're not a mer-person than you probably couldn't handle how rough mer-people can be during heat.

okay i...i think i'm done

excuse me while I reevaluate my existence after wtf i just wrote🫡

[theangelshavethephonebox]

Wow this is kind of insane that you're tagging me because you are a bit mythic to me ngl. Thanks for the tag!

I have so so so many WIPs/ideas I came up for and am leaving to rot ngl. This is so long that I'm putting it under a readmore lol

Doctor Who

Partly published:

Fixing your mistakes (one chapter published)

Biting you, with love (one chapter left)

Masterful Misdemeanors of a Monkish Nature (one chapter published)

In the Forest (Academy Era)

Series: When we were ten (one story published- all in this list unpublished):

Before

Deca Drabbles (a list of planned fics)

Do you think stars have feelings

Eighth Man Bound

If you're toxic, and I'm toxic, who's flying the TARDIS?

In which Jelpax gets something published

Paps

Sand and trees seen through the years

Skirts

Series: Patience Series (a planned series but no individual fics in seperate docs yet).

Series: The Ten Bonds Project:

Built for War

I regret not following you home

May I have this dance

Sometimes, it's magic

The Ten Bonds Project

We would always have been renegades

I won't bother listing my finished stuff, but I do keep them in the same folder lol.

Longfics:

Cars

Centennial revelations

Child of Hope

Ghosts after Sunrise

High and Noble Houses

Together after the war (human au)

Marraige

Pondfeels

Promised land

Rewind

She loves me

Support group for the doctor's companions

Tales from the Front

That CIA agent

Watching Doctor Who

Zephyr and Thira

Time Lord culture/ your words my tongue:

Your words

You knew my name

Lies are words

A handy guide to regeneration

Then everything else in my DW folder:

Let's burn together

A note on dimensional engineering

And I carry your name

Born of the dark

Café meme

Can you hear me?

Drdanny

Dying thoughts

Everything is fine

Explanations

False and lonely gods

I am not a good man

Immortal leftovers

In your head

Intervention

Jack lies

The Master and the dream lord

Missy and the Rani

One last trip

Sound, names, purple

Tenthree goes to therapy

That's not the guilt that drove me mad

The battle royale

We could have worn purple

What if we could do it all again

When the sunlight falls

Where the gifted children end up

Why does he call you babygirl

Wife

My original stuff

(I'm not listing the stuff that isn't actually plans for WIPs, like meta and art and practice. Also not listing my non fiction stuff, or my fanfics for other fandoms, because I'll never write them. Btw I sort by genre/intended universe. These are planned novels, collections, or short stories)

Achroniverse:

Far away from happy endings (planned short story collection)

How to live like an anarchist (planned spin off)

December 32nd 2020 (current WIP novel, nearly done)

FBI/writers:

His name was Kevin

How to worry your FBI agent

The Independent Variable

Gothic:

The monster in the corner

Where the old ones sleep

Murders:

Conscience

I have a secret

What Janet did

Who killed Odin Carlisle?

People/heroes:

A critique of Plato

Campus Chaos

Complexities in the case

Death Drive

How to fake date a friend

It's not romance

Killer genes

No prince for a princess

Odds and evens

Ouija board

Our midsummer nights

Overmorrow

Pink Anemone

Primers

Rational love

The big book of 'heroes'

The prime minister's client

Upside down client

I've also got some poetry, and some ideas to rewrite stuff like Shakespeare, but I won't bother listing those. Also I keep some completed stuff in my WIP folder because I'm a fool, but I've taken those out too, since this is a WIP list.

Short stories:

At the crossroads

Insight on the battlefield of the fallen

Our world used to be beautiful

Story collection

Tell me a story of home

The words unsaid

Uncategorised

Diary full of lies

Untitled future doctor who book

Flux capacitor

I thought this only happens in America

My last day on earth- a travel guide

Our bleak midwinter (currently writing for an anthology!)

Our Green Fires

Telepathy

Where the dragons reside

Fyi anyone can force me to start/finish something by sending me an ask lol

Tagging... @a-wartime-paradox @derinthescarletpescatarian uhhh I can't think of people. Help

WIP TITLE GAME

RULES: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

tagged by @soleil-in-retrograde!

*digs up my piles of WIPs* let's see here...

From the RRverse

Bloody Memories

Sun-Kissed

The Art of War

A Radiant Light

A Titan's Demise

Marsyas

Orion v Apollo

Naomi again

From Dusk to Dawn

Triumvirate V Koios

Phoebe

Dream

Helios TBM

Koios ToA

Artemis one shot

Apollo n Muses

Swarms and Swears

Drunk Twins

The Sun's Rise

Revolution

Buzzfeed Unsolved

Leto n Asteria

The Conspiracy of Rachel Elizabeth Dare

AUs

ToA Hunger Games AU

Comfortember 2023

Day 12 - When Everything's Wrong, You Make It Right

Day 18 - I'm Just (Not) Like You

Day 19 - Reaching For The Light (Of Day)

[night-chant]

MLQC Scenario - Mark the Date!

As promised, here’s one of the scenarios that I planned to post a while back! More to come :) I believe this is my first scenario that I ever wrote for MLQC so it’s kinda an ancient artifact to me :0 Hope y’all like it!!

Featuring: MLQC Guys + reader

Synopsis: He asked to go on a date with you and you said yes! Where would he take you?

Warning: Fluff

Victor:

Evening dinner at Souvenir with your favourite dishes. (Dw, he didn’t forget the pudding.)

But not before you cooked the food together.

A few pointers but other than that, you did impress him with your cooking techniques. (Special thanks to the videos you’d studied.)

While decorating the cake, you made a mess.

"Oops, I got icing on your face, sorry!"

Huh, you didn't look sorry.

"And you got icing on your lips, dummy."

"Really? No, I---"

He propped your chin up, your face an inch away from his. "Let me help you get it."

Dinner went smoothly, especially because Victor was smiling a lot more than usual. Maybe because of your pink face.

The cake tasted sweet, but maybe not as sweet as something else . . .

Lucien:

Remembered you were fascinated when you found a small, purple butterfly in the botanic garden.

So, he brought you to the Loveland Butterfly Conservatory.

Gave you a bouquet of lavenders and buttercups with two intentions:

1) Express his infinite gratitude for having you in his life.

2) So the butterflies are drawn to you.

His experiment worked.

The exact same species of purple butterfly landed on your shoulder.

He couldn't help but take a photo.

Probably his homescreen on his phone.

Kiro:

Usually performed pop music but sometimes, he collaborated with artists of different genres.

Today, it was classical music.

He invited you to the performance at an amphitheatre where he would be the main violinist of the orchestra.

You enjoyed his upbeat burst of energy in pop, but loved discovering the serious, elegant side of him.

When the show was over and the amphitheatre was empty, Kiro serenaded to you and danced with you on the stage.

Probably chased each other around the aisles until you collapsed in one of the seats, in exhaustion.

The power went out. Maybe locked up for the night.

And there was a quick, tender touch on your cheek.

Gavin:

Whenever you visited his place, you always admired the star lamp that Gavin had finally bought.

He’d give you all the stars if he could . . .

Maybe he can.

He and Sparky took you to the outskirts of the city, up the highest hills to stargaze.

Interesting astronomy lessons, but sometimes went off topic.

"Is that bright thing one of the eight planets too?" you asked, pointing in the night sky.

"Er, I don't think so."

"What if I were an alien queen from there? Someday, I would return home to share all my exciting Earth experiences."

He reached for you, playfully tugging you closer. "Earth won't let you go that easily."

A lot of cuddling before you drifted off to sleep in his arms.

[sunarou]

╭──────────── ` 🏐

╰─➛✎﹏Y/N tending to Sugawara, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima's injuries ࿔₊•

❛WC; 757

❛A/N; Are y'all sick of headcanons yet? Dw I got a short fic coming up <3

— [📑] ;𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐊𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢

➔Sugawara runs to dive for the volleyball, he successfully brings it back up to the air but what he didn't notice was how roughly he dove that a nasty bruise started blooming on top of his shin

➔He only notices it when it started hurting, he paid no attention to it as he went on to play naturally as possible, when a break was called for he asks for an ice pack

❝Hehe I guess I could use some more diving practices❞

➔He winces at the cool pack resting on his fresh bruise, it's gotten a lot purple from before. You click your tongue at the sight of him in pain

❝You can't play can you?❞

➔Coach Ukai dismissively waves it off as he lets a substitute play for him for this match, Sugawara keeps his smile on his lips as he cheers on Karasuno

❝It's okay Y/N, it'll get better soon. Staring at it won't make it better though❞

➔He smiles at you, he likes how worried you can get because of him, you flick his forehead as you gently rub some ointment on his shin

❝Uncalled for~ It's quite cute you know?❞

❝Oh hush, be prepared cause I know Coach Ukai will make you do diving drills after you heal❞

❝Being injured seems worth it if it means seeing you in a fickle like this~❞

➔You restrain yourself from flicking his forehead again, instead you kissing it

❝Be reckless again and I'll show you❞

— [📑] ;𝐘𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢 𝐓𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

➔You can see Yamaguchi's visible pained face as he limps to his position after doing his serve, you guess that he might've landed in an awkward position resulting in his ankle spraining

➔You whisper to Coach Ukai about your worry and he too can see how Yamaguchi's pained expression, he was biting his lip to suck in the pain he's feeling from his ankle

➔Coach Ukai called for a switch, Yamaguchi was relieved you saw his minor injury, making a mental note to thank you after getting taken care of

❝I told you to take care out there Yama

➔He chuckled as you placed an ice pack on top of the swollen ankle, reaching for the elastic bandages, you wrap them around his ankles, Yamaguchi hisses at the pain

❝Thank you Y/N, you're always so caring❞

➔You booped the top of his nose, giving him one of the sweetest smiles you can muster

❝It's kind of my job to take care of you❞

➔He's very grateful for having you with him and he's not planning on letting you go anytime soon

— [📑] ;𝐓𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚 𝐊𝐞𝐢

➔Being the middle blocker's S/O you felt obligated to take care of his fingers whenever he had matches

➔He always tells you not to but being the stubborn you, you insist everytime. Except for this one match he had with Date Tech

➔It wasn't like Tsuki doesn't tape his own fingers, sometimes he just doesn't and when he doesn't tape them, injuries occur

➔And that's what happened, his finger got sprained as he tried to block a spike, Tsukishima grits his teeth as the ball passes through their defense

➔They were only a point ahead of Date Tech as for now, Tsukishima's fingers felt uncomfortable as it throbbed in pain

➔He sees you running up to him with your school uniform still on, the reason you couldn't scold him earlier was because you had to stay back for some school activities

❝Tsuki! Why didn't you tape your fingers? Don't tell me you waited for me to do them for you❞

➔You just had to tease the blond, he scoffed as he felt his finger becoming swollen. You sighed at his stubbornness, you knew he wouldn't receive any help from anyone else but himself

➔You immediately took an ice pack and wrapped it around a towel to place onto his finger, Tsukishima didn't seem to fight back

❝I'll hold it, I need to get back on the game❞

➔You pull him back as you sat him down on the bench, you furrow your brows as you stare at him in disappointment

❝What you need to do is rest your damn fingers, you brought this upon yourself. Here I'll wrap it up❞

➔You gently take it, seeing how swollen it got, you took the bandages and carefully wrapped it around his finger, kissing it after

❝W-What?❞

➔He blushes as he retracts his finger away from you, you chuckled at his face.

❝It's so that the boo-boo can go away faster~❞

~Love Lola 🦋

[flowerfan2]

Group Texts Are Ridiculous (Or, Five-0 Starts a Group Text)

Somehow I managed to post Chapter 2 on A03 a few days ago without posting on tumblr... I’m not sure how many people actually depend on tumblr for fic these days, but in case you do, here you go!

McDanno, T, A03

Summary:  After 10x22 when Steve leaves Oahu to go find himself, Five-0 starts a group text to keep in touch while Steve’s away.  Picks up after the end of Season 10. 

Chapter 2

May 20, 2020

SM:  Hey, where’s Danny?

LG:  With Tani, I think, heading to a crime scene on the north shore.  Sure glad to have him back.  Otherwise it would have been me getting up at the ass crack of dawn when Duke called.

SM:  Does Danny seem ready?

LG:  Ready to come back to work?  Sure.  Shirts are crisp, slacks nicely pressed, hair sprayed firmly in place.  Your boy looks great.

SM:  Ribs not hurting him anymore?

LG:  Maybe a little, but it’s not slowing him down much.

SM:  He hasn’t been answering my texts.

LG:  Did you do something to piss him off?

SM:  Probably.  I usually do. Not sure what this time, though.

TR:  Don’t stress, boss. Danny’s right here, looking sharp as always.  we’re in the car.

SM:  Tani, what have I said about no driving and texting?

TR:  I’m not - Danny’s driving.

SM:  Can I talk to him?  Put it on speaker.

TR:  That would require you to actually call him.  Maybe give it a few minutes though?  We’re a little busy right now.

SM:  What, he can’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time?

TR:  It’s the dodging of bullets that might make that challenging.  Not that Danny isn’t a great multi-tasker, but it seems like an unnecessary risk.

 SM:  Tani, what the hell is going on?

 LG:  Damn.  On my way.

 SM:  Tani, report, now.

 JR:  What just happened?

 SM:  Junior, why aren’t you with Danny?  And where’s Quinn?

 JR:  Day off, sorry sir.

 SM:  Someone call HPD, why don’t you have any back up?

 TR:  No worries, the perp’s not chasing us anymore.  His car flipped over and sort of slid down the dunes. Probably not good for the birds. But he definitely stopped shooting, so it’s all good.

 <i>DW has changed the name of the group text to</i> <b>My Camaro has another bullet hole and it’s Steve’s fault</b>

  <b>May 21, 2020 </b>

 SM:  We have to talk about yesterday.

 DW:  Everything’s fine, Steve.  

 SM:  It didn’t sound like it.  

 DW:  We had it under control.

 SM:  Why was Tani texting when people were shooting at you?  She should have been covering you, or calling for back up. She should have seen it coming. You should never have been in that position in the first place.

 DW:  One, Tani did nothing wrong, and two, mind your own beeswax.

 SM:  Mind my own – what’s that supposed to mean?

 DW:  Think about it for a minute, you’ll figure it out.

 SM:  Are you even recovered enough for active duty?

 DW:  Oh, now you’re interested in my health?

 SM:  Danny, Five-0 is still my team, my responsibility.

 DW:  Is it, now?  Funny, because I’m pretty sure the governor told me I’m in charge.

 SM:  Temporarily.

 DW:  Indefinitely.  Or have you booked a flight home that you haven’t told us about?

 SM:  Danny, we’ve been over this.

 DW:  Don’t I know it.

 SM:  I’m just concerned about all of you.  

 DW:  Great.  Come home and take your job back.  Otherwise keep your mouth shut.

 SM:  I’m not criticizing, it’s just that it doesn’t seem like yesterday went exactly according to plan.

 DW:  According to plan?  Since when have you ever done anything according to plan?  You are the head of not having a plan, the Czar of plan-less-ness, the President of who needs a fucking plan.

 LG:  You guys do remember this is a group text, right?

  <b>June 2, 2020</b>

 JR:  Do any of you know what was in the package Danny got today?

 TR:  You could just ask him.

 JR:  I would, but he opened it up and then locked himself in his office and he’s been on the phone for half an hour.

 QL:  Might be a sign that he wants some privacy.

 TR:  You think?

 JR:  So I shouldn’t ask him?

 TR:  No, you should definitely ask him.  But maybe bring him some malasadas when you barge into his office, it might soften the blow.

 LG:  Or distract him enough that he doesn’t hit your head when he throws something at you.

 DW:  It’s kind of late for malasadas, but I’d love a sandwich from Machete’s.  Turkey and salami, Italian dressing instead of mayo.

 JR:  Yes sir.

 LG:  You’re enjoying this boss thing, aren’t you, Danny?

 DW:  It’s good to be king.  At least where lunch is concerned.

 TR:  So are you going to tell us what was in the package?

 DW:  Will you do my paperwork for the week?

 TR:  Yesterday you said I was worse at paperwork than Steve.

 DW:  Good point.  Will you get Junior to do my paperwork?

 JR:  Hey, wait a minute, I’m getting the sandwiches.

 TR:  Deal.  Don’t worry Junes, I’ll make it worth your while.

 LG:  TMI, children.

 …

 LG:  Tani, spill.  What was in the package?

 DW:  A stuffed squirrel.  A stuffed animal.  Not, like, a once was alive squirrel, like a toy.  

 QL:  Who sent it to him?

 TR:  Apparently that piece of information wasn’t part of the deal.  

 JR:  It’s from Steve.

 TR:  Danny told you?

 JR:  No, I looked at the return address.  He put the package in the recycle bin in the break room.

 DW:  At least someone here has some detective skills.

 LG:  Okay, I’ll bite.  Danny, why did Steve send you a squirrel?  Is it for Charlie?

 DW:  Nope, it’s mine.  And anyone who touches it is dead.

 JR:  So… who’s gonna grab it?

 LG:  Junior, I’d think twice.  Danny’s got the power to assign you to walking the beat for the rest of the summer.  I think that squirrel looks great right there where it is on Danny’s desk.

 TR:  He can be our honorary Five-0 mascot.

 DW:  Exactly.  The very first Hawaiian squirrel.

 DW:  But let me reiterate, you may not touch him.  If I see a tiny aloha shirt or a lei on my squirrel, heads will roll.

 TR:  I like this side of you, Danny.  Very authoritative.

 DW:  The children do not respect me, Lou.

 LG:  Didn’t the governor say he needed extra security at that concert Saturday night?

 DW:  The heavy metal battle of the bands?  The one that lasts for five hours, and features not just professional bands, but appearances from some of the most popular amateur head-banging groups around?  Hm, I think he did.  I was going to check with HPD to make sure it was covered.  Do you think they need personal attention from Five-0?

 TR:  Danny, you might notice that a note has just been slipped under your door. It’s from me and Junior, attesting to our sincere understanding that the squirrel is off limits.  Just in case you were wondering.

 DW:  And all is right with the world again.

 LG:  Amen, brother.

 TR:  But just out of curiosity, what are you going to name your apology squirrel?  Pineapple?

 DW:  Thin ice, my friend, thin ice.

 <i>TR has changed the name of the group text to</i> <b>First Hawaiian Squirrel Fan Club</b>

  <b>June 20, 2020</b>

  JR:  Anyone want to come over and watch Jurassic Park with me and Charlie?  We went a little overboard with the snacks.

 LG:  What kind of snacks?

 JR:  Primarily pretzels.  For some reason I had never really looked that closely at the pretzel aisle at Foodland before.  We got chocolate covered pretzels, pretzels stuffed with peanut butter, honey garlic pretzels, and probably some others too.

 TR:  What brought on this pretzel craving?

 JR:  Actually Charlie wanted pineapple pretzels.

 LG:  There is no such thing.

 JR:  That’s what I thought too, but it turns out I was totally wrong. The ABC store on my block has them.

 LG:  You are shitting me.

 JR:  They’re called Pretz.  Pineapple flavor.  They’re actually pretty good.

 LG:  Okay, I’m coming over just to taste those.  Renee’s out tonight anyway.

 TR:  You’ll have to save me some.  I’m hanging with Koa tonight.

 LG:  And what does our fearless leader think about pineapple pretzels?

 JR:  He probably won’t like them, but he’s not home.  

 TR:  Babysitting, Junes?

 JR:  Charlie’s my pal, he’s not a baby.  But yeah.

 TR:  Where’s Danny?

 JR:  On a date.

 TR:  That seems unlikely.

 JR:  That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?  Danny’s a good looking guy.

 TR:  Of course he is, that’s not what I meant.

 DW:  Thanks.

 TR:  Fuck I keep forgetting we’re all on this text.

 JR:  Danny, how’s your date going?

 DW:  It would probably be going better if I wasn’t texting you guys.  

 SM:  Learned that lesson finally, did you?

 DW:  Steve, isn’t it a little late where you are?

 SM:  Never too late to help out a friend.  Are you wearing the French blue button-down?

 DW:  No, it got ruined.  I’m just wearing a black polo.

 SM:  Too bad, that’s a great shirt.

 DW:  I’m going to the mall tomorrow, there’s a sale at Lord & Taylor, I need new shirts.  For some reason mine keep getting blood stains on them.

 SM:  Wish I could go with you, you do better with a wingman.

 DW:  It’s true, you talked me into buying two of those slim fit dark blue ones, and those are some of my favorites.

 SM:  Don’t be afraid to try darker shades, Danny.  You resist it but in the end you look great.

 DW:  I did like the dark gray one you made me try on.  But not the purple one.  It made me look like a gigolo.  Anyway blue’s still my favorite.

 SM:  It’s true, nothing makes your eyes sparkle like a blue shirt.

 DW:  And good company, of course.

 LG:  I feel like this thread has been hijacked by aliens.  

 TR:  Aliens who like menswear.  Danny, isn’t your date annoyed that you’re spending all this time texting?

 DW:  Oh, she left.  I’ll be home soon, I’m just picking up some ice cream for the Jurassic Park marathon.

 JR:  I’m so confused.

 SM:  Don’t overthink it.  But make sure Danny tries the pineapple pretzels.

[that-cunning-mind]

The Untitled Chuckie Sputterspark Origin Fanfic Pt.1

(Guess who wrote a fanfic for the first time in years lmao...

Read below if you want to see my take on how @based-ducks​ and me thought up of Quackervolt fankid Chuckie Sputterspark’s origin...somewhat)

As the crisp, evening air descended upon the moonlit shadows of St. Canard, a particular purplish protector of the poor found himself investigating a case of deductive interest. A case of shadowy intrigue and mystery. A case that would decide the future of St. Canard in its epic battle between good and evil.

A case of price gouging tickets at a pizza arcade.  

“Twenty dollars for an adult ticket and twelve for kids over ten years old? Why these crooked capitalist crooks, thinking they can force parents to come in here and charge them extra! I should just quit SHUSH and open up one of these places myself! I’ll be richer than Glomgold!” Part-time superhero and full-time parent Drake Mallard grumbled under his breath as he handed over his card to the tired teenager manning the cashier. His daughter, Gosalyn, was busy putting on the paper bracelets on herself and her other father, Launchpad McQuack. 

“It can’t be that profitable,” Gosalyn said, “I mean, they’re taking out all of their animatronics! Can you imagine Pepper Panda’s Pizza Pagoda without Pepper Panda and the Pie Gang? I tell ya, there’s gonna be rioting in the streets after tonight! RIOTS!!!” Launchpad, not expecting the outburst, startled and ripped his flimsy paper bracelet. 

“Eheheh,” he laughed nervously, “you guys got any tape or...”

“Ten dollars to replace any missing or broken bracelets,” said the cashier. 

Launchpad turned to his husband with big puppy-dog eyes, a method that tended to work about 99% of the time. Drake grumbled some more as he took a solitary bill out of his wallet. 

“If it wasn’t for our case,” Drake whispered harshly as they walked inside the pizza eatery, “I’d leave you outside in the car.” 

“Aww,” Launchpad pouted, “but you know how much I love coming here! Plus, I know how much the animatronics scare you, DW.”

Drake scoffed. “Scared? The daring duck detective isn’t scared of any cheaply-made robot! Drakey Mallard, on the other hand, never recovered from that time he thought Cheddar Charles was going to bite him at Elmo Sputterspark’s tenth birthday party.” As he spoke, a run down animatronic of a child-sized rat in blue overalls and a yellow shirt sprang to life, scaring Drake into Launchpad’s arms. Gosalyn just rolled her eyes and sighed. 

A crackly speaker from the animatronic known as Cheddar Charles started. “Hey kids! Pepper Panda and Pie Gang’s Nighttime Spectacular is about to start in ten minutes! Grab a seat now!”

“I’ll go grab us a table,” yelled Gosalyn as she ran to a booth. 

Launchpad let Drake climb off of him, then sniffed and wiped away a tear. “I can’t believe it, after forty years the Pie Gang is going away for good!”

“Launchpad, the case? Remember the case?” asked Drake. 

“Buh-“

“We’re here to stakeout the joint and lie in wait for that nefarious thief, Dr. Anna Matronic! Dishonorably discharged from the Imagineers, that raving robotics rascal will be using the Pie Gang’s farewell show to unveil her deadly creations. Little does she know that I, Darkwing Duck, will be waiting for her! Now, any questions?”

“Uhh, can we order the extra-large with cheese?” 

Drake simply sighed as he moved to sit down on the sticky seat. 

“Gee DW, what makes you think she’ll show up with all these people around?” asked Launchpad. 

“Because, as a former Imagineer, she’ll no doubt want to watch such a historic show one last time. Although, I can’t imagine what kind of psyche an adult must have to want to watch Pepper Panda and the Pie Gang willingly.” 

———

“Come on Megsy! I’m not gonna miss Pepper Panda and the Pie Gang’s final performance because of you!” 

Little did Darkwing Duck know that behind the scenes, his two mortal enemies Quackerjack and Megavolt would be attempting to watch the show as well. However, they were taking a break from their usual crimes and attempting to have their monthly date night, per Quackerjack’s insistence on coming to see the last hurrah of the animatronics he grew up watching. Megavolt, meanwhile, was trying to carry leftover pizza boxes up the scaffolding over the stage as he and Quackerjack prepared to take their seats. 

“You know, I think I kinda remember coming here as a kid,” said Megavolt. Quackerjack was surprised to hear this, as it was rare for Megavolt to remember anything before his fateful transformation into Megavolt. He pressed on with a simple, “Oh?”, demonstrating a rare moment of selfless interest. 

“Yeah,” Megavolt continued, “I think I had a birthday party here once. Mom forced me to invite everyone in my class, so I spent most of the day playing with the animatronics. I even got Cheddar Charles to almost bite this one duck, Jake. Or was it Lake...” Megavolt trailed off as his train of thought was derailed yet again.

“You must have been quite the kid growing up, a public nuisance in the making,” laughed Quackerjack. He looked off to the side in an almost wistful manner. “Though if I was a parent, I wouldn’t force you to hang out with any snot-nosed brats that stuck their faces into an arcade game!” Megavolt twitched, deciding not to tell Quackerjack that he definitely remembered sticking his face into arcade games as a kid, one of the happiest moments in an otherwise bullied childhood. 

But more importantly, Megavolt picked up on Quackerjack’s wistful tone and cursed himself internally for bringing up his childhood. “Come on Quacky,” he whined, “we’ve been through this already. We can’t just-“ 

“Well, so what?” interrupted Quackerjack, “It’s just not fair! Lots of kids have parents that go to jail!” 

“Yeah, but their parents aren’t criminal masterminds guilty of trespassing, theft, vandalism, and littering!” 

Quackerjack pouted, “You throw a banana peel on the ground one time...”

“I’m serious Quacky,” Megavolt frowned, “we can’t just bring a kid into the super-villain business! Do you want to be like Dorkwing and have a pipsqueak get in our way?” 

“Need I remind you,” hissed Quackerjack, “that his pipsqueak is fully capable of handling herself?”

“Ugh,” shuddered Megavolt, “don’t. Remind. Me. I still have the bruise marks from the last hostage attempt...”

“See?! The two of us could totally take care of a kid! All a kid really needs is food, a loving home, a pocket grenade...,” Quackerjack droned on, almost forgetting the point of his argument. Megavolt had to snap him back to reality if he was ever going to finish this conversation. 

“Hey don’t get me wrong, it’d be nice to have some kids that aren’t just the poor, enslaved bulbs of St. Canard,” said Megavolt. “But, don’t tell me you aren’t the tiniest bit worried of screwing the kid up?” At this, Quackerjack pursed his lips and went uncharacteristically still, not daring to look at Megavolt in the eye.  

“Besides,” Megavolt continued, “what if we go to jail without it? How would a normal kid protect itself? What if F.O.W.L or Negaduck found out about them and-“

“Oh alright fine! You’ve made your point, gloomy pants!” Megavolt shut his mouth quickly, turning to get a slice of week-old pizza and hopefully move on from this talk. Quackerjack pulled out his beloved Mr. Banana Brain, in an effort to calm himself before his temper took over. “Some date night this is! I’ve seen better chemistry in a high school science lab!” 

“Butt out, banana boy!” Megavolt grumbled. “Great, could this date get any worse?” 

The explosion that rocked the building answered that question. 

———

The duck family ducked under their table as dust filled the room, sending screaming families in a panic. A giant hole had opened up in front of the stage, and from it rose a goose in a purple trench-coat honking maliciously. This was-

“Dr. Matronic!” Drake shielded Gosalyn behind himself as Dr. Matronic climbed onto the stage. 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she cried out, “children of all ages! To all who come to this happy place, Pepper Panda’s Pizza Pagoda is now MY Pizza Pagoda! Which means the animatronics are now mine to keep! Mwahonkhonkhonk!”

Gosalyn stuck out her tongue in disgust. “Ugh, you call that an evil laugh? A baby would sound more menacing than that!” 

“Never mind that now,” said Drake, “we’ve got to get these people out of here! Launchpad, Gosalyn, evacuate the building while I keep her busy.” With a plan of action in place, the daring duck of mystery went off to find a broom closet to change in. Unfortunately, it was a very tight squeeze, as Drake tried to change and avoid the brooms at the same time. 

“This night couldn’t possibly get worse...,” muttered Drake. 

——

“Megavolt! That stupid doctor just ruined our date night!” Quackerjack’s temper had come out in full force, and now he was ready to let it all out. 

“The nerve of some people! I mean, who breaks into a pizza parlor and steals the animatronics??” Megavolt yelled. Sparks started to fly as he locked onto the target of his ire, who was beginning to disassemble the helpless robots. “D’ohhh! Well at least it can’t get any worse.”

The blue smoke cloud that burst out answered that. 

“Gah! Will you stop saying that!” shouted Quackerjack. 

“I am the terror that flaps in the night!”

“I am the cheese pizza that burns on the taste buds of crime! I am Darkwing Duck!” Like clockwork, the purple caped crusader appeared out of the smoke. 

“Oh no. It’s Darkwing Duck. Whatever shall I do,” said Dr. Matronic, not intimidated in the slightest. Failing to frighten his foe, Darkwing pulled out his gas gun as his mood worsened. 

“Listen here doc! I may not like these rusty robots, but there’s no way I’ll let you take them away! Now suck gas, evildoer! Schpadoink!” As he shot off a canister of knockout gas, a Dalmatian puppy came out from behind Dr. Matronic and caught the canister, throwing it away from the doctor. 

“What the-!” 

“So,” Dr. Matronic grinned maliciously, “you don’t like rusty robots, eh? Well, I’m sure you’ll find that they have their uses!” Dr. Matronic pulled a walkie-talkie from her coat, and yelled, “Code 101: ATTACK!!” 

From the crevice, a noise of barking and howling approached, growing louder and louder until from out of the hole, one hundred robotic Dalmatians came bursting out. 

Darkwing gulped, hoping to hide his nervousness. “Alright, you digital dog deviants, prepare to face the might of Dark-AAAACK!!” The dogs never let him finish, immediately pouncing on Darkwing and biting everything that belonged to the flapping terror. 

“WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND DALMATIANS!!!” 

“Well, since you’re tied up at the moment, I might as well explain my origin story,” said Dr. Matronic as she got to work detaching the Pie Gang from the stage. “You see, those Imagineer fools said it was impossible to make one hundred and one animatronics! They said it was too expensive! That I was a lunatic! Well who’s laughing now, huh?! Mwahonkhon-AHH!” 

Before the doctor could finish her evil laugh, a bolt of electricity from behind the stage curtain zapped her and sent her flying off the stage. In her hands she grasped the Cheddar Charles figurine, the remote controlling the chaotic canines flying off somewhere else. 

Megavolt stepped out onto the stage, a wide manic grin on his face as his hands lit up. “Well, looks like we’re the ones laughing now, and much better at it too! Aheeheeheeheee!” With a flick of a wrist, Megavolt shot another electric bolt at the pack of piranha-like puppies, putting a stop to their attack on the poor, punctured defender in purple as they scattered off.  

“Th-thanks for that...Megavolt,” Darkwing said shakily, as he attempted to stand up and not jostle his wounds at the same time. “Wait a minute, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! I swear, if that lunatic toy-maker Quackerjack is here too I’ll-“

What Darkwing would do, Megavolt would never know, for at that moment Quackerjack decided to introduce himself with one of his patented exploding toys. Laughing maniacally, he took out his signature mallet as he attempted to stomp out any robot trying to attack him. Dr. Matronic began turning her attention towards the most annoying threat in the room, directing robot after robot at Quackerjack. 

“What, did all the freaks decide to come out tonight?!” yelled Dr. Matronic, as she whipped out a small flamethrower aimed at Quackerjack. The jester merely giggled and blew raspberries as he dodged all of her flame attacks. Darkwing and Megavolt, however, were not as lucky, and had to hide behind an overturned table to avoid the flames. 

“Oh great,” sighed Darkwing, “the cherry on top of my already lousy sundae. Could this possibly get any worse?” Megavolt let out a yipe and braced himself. 

“Uhh, you alright there Mega-,” asked Darkwing, before Megavolt clasped a hand around his bill. 

“Don’t say that again! The universe has been more vindictive than usual today whenever somebody says that!”

“Alright alright, I’ll stop! Now, either help get me rid of this riddle-some ridicule of our rights, or GET OUT!” Megavolt’s train of thought got back on track, his temper overtaking him as he remembered his terrible night. 

“Uhh, Sparky-“ said Darkwing, before a stray bolt from Megavolt zapped him away as the electric rodent turned back to Dr. Matronic. 

“YOU RUINED DATE NIGHT!!!” roared Megavolt. Darkwing was dumbfounded, for once Megavolt hadn’t responded to his hated nickname of Sparky. Dr. Matronic began to worry, as she was inexperienced against the full force of the Quackervolt duo. Darkwing stepped back, hoping to get the upper hand as the villains fought each other when who should appear but Gosalyn.

“Don’t worry Darkwing, I’ll help ya!” cried Gosalyn. 

“Gosalyn, NO!” Darkwing dived towards his daughter, shielding her from the wayward flames with his cape as he caught the full brunt of the attack. Dr. Matronic took the time to gloat evilly at her fallen foe. 

“Well well well, guess the Pizza Pagoda is serving roast duck tonight! MWAHAHAHAH! How’s that for an evil laugh, by the way?” In her distraction, she failed to notice Megavolt and Quackerjack charging up the remaining animatronics, bringing them back to life. 

“Hey lady, ever heard of the Bite of ‘87!?” they both yelled. 

“The Bite of ‘87? That’s just a-“ Dr. Matronic looked back and saw the looming, terrifying animatronics trudging towards her. She gulped.

“...Just a myth,” she finished quietly. 

As the robots began their attack, Launchpad came in and helped Darkwing to his feet. “Gee DW, how’re we gonna stop those three?” 

“Oww, can’t we jus’...let ‘em kill each other?” Darkwing meekly asked. 

Gosalyn, guilty over her father’s second degree burns, tried to remember about any useful information pertaining to the animatronics. 

“Well, I read online that old robots used to explode from time to time...” she suggested. Inspiration struck Darkwing, reaching into his pockets for a special gas canister. 

“Launchpad, hand me my gas gun!”  With his weapon in hand, Darkwing loaded up the canister and aimed between the animatronics. “Get behind that column,” he motioned. 

Megavolt, taking a break from the action that was almost too exciting to put in words, took a side glance to see Darkwing’s fan club hiding behind a concrete column. As he wondered what was going on, the duck pulled out his gas gun and yelled, “hey Dr. Matronic, see if your pooches can stop this knockout gas!” 

Darkwing shot out the canister towards the animatronics and quickly took cover. As planned, Dr. Matronic took aim with her flamethrower, unable to tell the difference between knockout gas and explosive gas. 

FWOOSH! 

KABAM!! 

“SHPOOSH-“

“Dad! Do ya have t’ make sound effects right now?” 

“Oh, right, sorry,” Darkwing sheepishly said. “Well, better make sure no one died or anything.” As the smoke dissipated, he could see Dr. Matronic knocked out on the ground, singed and certainly not triumphant. Quackerjack, who had tried to run from the explosion, was somehow still standing, albeit close to passing out at any second. Behind them, all of the animatronics were nothing more than scrap, their somewhat cute faces now melted and resembling characters in a subpar horror video game franchise. 

Megavolt was nowhere to be seen. 

“Uh-oh, Megavolt?” The prospect of being arrested for manslaughter began to unnerve Darkwing.  “Hey Quackster, you seen your boyfriend anywhere?” 

The only thing Quackerjack heard through his concussion was ‘Megavolt’, and tried to snap out of his daze as best as he could. 

“Megsy! Sparky-poo, where are you!? Ooooh, I’m gonna get you for this Darkwing Duck!” But before Quackerjack could get him, the sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance. 

“Mmm, but maybe not today,” said Quackerjack, and then took out Mr. Banana Brain. “Time to hit the road, Toad,” he said in a falsetto voice. 

“MEGAVOLT! See you at the hideout!” And Quackerjack ran backstage, toppling over Launchpad who had attempted to catch him. 

“Ah geez, sorry DW, he got away. Should we go after him?”

“Nah,” said Darkwing, “I’ve got enough on my plate with Miss Robot over here. Also I gotta make sure Megavolt didn’t explode or something,...”

“Ughhh,” groaned Dr. Matronic, “that’s DOCTOR- wait. The animatronics! What have you done to them you fiend?!” Before she could freak out entirely, the police came in, slapping handcuffs on her and leading her away. 

“Why I say I say, ah-thank you Mr. Duck sir.” 

The team looked back and saw a rotund rooster in a tacky pizza print suit come up to them, taking Darkwing’s hand and shaking it profusely. “I am the owner of this here establishment, Rolan N. Dough the Third, thought you may call me Mr. Dough. I must congratulate you sir on a job well done!” 

“Ah-yep, yep, yep, all in a day’s work for Darkwing Duck, Mr. Dough!”

“So you’re not mad that he blew up your animatronics?” piped up Gosalyn. Darkwing hurriedly placed his hand over her bill, “Gosalyn! Ix-nay on the obot-ray! Ahaha, kids...” 

“On the contrary, Mr. Duck, I’m overjoyed! Thanks to you, I’m gonna save a fortune on properly preserving those robotic freaks! And receive a rather sizable insurance check! A nice little profit for today’s events!” 

Darkwing soured, remembering his distaste for the Pizza Pagoda once more. “You’re welcome, sir.”  

“I simply must reward you! How does a coupon for a free pizza sound?” 

Launchpad’s stomach rumbled at the sound of that. “Gee DW, can we cash it in now?” 

Darkwing sighed, “Fine, fine, we’re not coming back here anytime soon.”

As Launchpad and Mr. Dough made their way to the pizza station, Darkwing crouched down to check on Gosalyn for any injuries. 

“You ok?” he asked. “I mean, aside from seeing your favorite pizzeria in ruins that is?” 

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I’m just sad the Pie Gang met their end like that.”

“Well it’s an Italian eatery owned by a Southerner themed around China, it was bound to end horribly. You gotta admit though, it was a pretty cool explosion.”

“Okay yeah, it was pretty cool. I mean the way that flamethrower just went GWOOSH and the canister was like SCHPAAAAM! Not too bad from Darkwing and his helpful sidekicks, huh?”

“Oh, that reminds me, you’re still in trouble for running in like that.”

“WHAT? Daaa-uh, I mean, Darkwiiiing!” The two walked away, preparing to stop Launchpad from spending more than $50 on pizza. 

“Hmm, I feel like I’m forgetting something though,” said Darkwing.

“Ah well, I’m sure it was nothing important,” reassured Gosalyn. 

———

In the subterranean hole where Dr. Matronic had come from, Megavolt had begun to regain consciousness, slowly sitting up as he willed the surroundings to stop spinning. 

“Owwww, that’s it, next date night will be at the mini golf...” 

From below, he could hear the faint voice of Quackerjack at hysterics, then fading away. Then he heard the shrill voice of Dr. Matronic screaming over the ruined animatronics. Megavolt perked up, remembering the explosion with clarity now. 

“NO NO NO! The animatronics! Darkwing Duck and that stupid doctor lady ruined my childhood! This is worse than that reboot of my favorite movie with an all-female cast! Why I oughta-OW!!”

In his rage, Megavolt failed to notice an object in his path, and stubbed his already fragile toe against it. He was prepared to blast it to smithereens, when he noticed something familiar about the object. 

Something metallic. 

“Wait...it can’t be,” he muttered. He crouched down, digging through the rubble until the object was set free. It was Cheddar Charles, banged up a little but perfectly intact. 

“Oh you poor thing,” Megavolt cooed, “you must’ve fallen down here after that mean old Darkwing blew us up!” He cradled the orphaned robotic mouse in his arms, feeling his paternal instinct flare up as he gently dusting the dirt off of it. A ghost of a childhood memory panged within him, recalling a time in his life when he felt safe and loved, unaware of the harsh realities of life that would face him later on.

Was it too insane to believe that he could pass that love on to something else?

He loved Quackerjack. He loved his life of lightbulb liberation. But if Megavolt was honest with himself, maybe there was something nice to the whole family concept. Maybe the idea of taking care of something and watching it grow with someone he loved seemed exciting to him. Maybe Darkwing had the right idea about having a kid sidekick-

Nope. It’d be a cold, day in Hell before Megavolt would admit to being jealous of Darkwing Duck. 

He took out one of his trusty light bulbs to illuminate the scene, when an idea came to him. 

“Wait a minute,” he said, “Quacky and I want a kid. This little guy doesn’t have a family anymore. That means...that means! Wait, where was I going with this?”

The Cheddar Charles let out a shock, charging up Megavolt once more. 

“Oh right! Welcome to the family, new son! This is gonna turn out way better than that time I split Darkwing into two.” He took his son into his arms, already bonding with the temporarily lifeless robot. 

“But ya know, Cheddar Charles is kinda long for a name. How about I call you...Chuckie!” 

------

Meanwhile, on the other side of town…

“OH MY GOD,” cried out Drake Mallard, “I BLEW UP MEGAVOLT!”

[overthelillies]

fic recs for my friends

yeah okay so most/all of these are davekat im sorry!! arranged in no particular order also some of them are second person I Am Sorry.

Your Interpersonal, Intergalactic Relationship: A Beginner's Guide (8,400-something words)

A beginner's guide to playing hopscotch, overcoming internalized homophobia, and falling in love with your alien best friend.

friends to lovers! p cute

So It Goes (56,845 words)

They managed to win the game somehow. He's not really sure of the details, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. He's stuck in an unfamiliar body with a thirteen year old little brother who's terrified of him.

Somehow, he is sure this is his fault.

// i have not read this one. but strider angst and davekat yes please

Red Converse (26,648 words)

Due to a seizure, Karkat Vantas now has to learn how to live his life with two speech aphasia. He goes to therapy three times a week, suffers from awful headaches, and tries to avoid people as much as possible.

Due to a traumatic experience, Dave Strider refuses to use his words, preferring to relay his snarky comments and witty banter through sign language and typing on his phone.

They meet in a waiting room.

//THIS IS REALLY GOOD Altho they do have sex just skip it dw i promise it’s worth it

how...did you tell your friends (7,906 words)

Unfortunately, you don't fancy your brother's suggestion on how to break the news to John...

There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to just tell him.

//set after homestuck, dave tries to tell the most oblivious person in the world and also his best friend (john) that he and karkat are dating and it’s literally so good

Dave Strider’s Stupid Fucking Jawline (11,607 words)

Generic high school AU. Dave's jawline is really distracting and Karkat does NOT have a crush on him (shut up, Kanaya).

//high school au. lovely. good eating.

Gray and Red (16,084 words)

In which you only see color once you meet your soulmate, and the first color you see is the same as your soulmate's eyes.

//SOULMATE AU SOULMATE AU this is kinda very Angsty (Karkat do be pining doe) it’s p good

We’re All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We’re Sick Of Your Shit) (68,000 somethin words)

It's been about a year since the big Fast Forward, and sure, things on Earth C aren't perfect for everyone. But they're fine. Really. It's fine. Everything is super fuckin' swell, and that's that.

It's not like one night is going to change anything.

//post homestuck GOD THIS. IS SO GOOD okay so this fic is mainly dirkjake being fucking stupid with rosemary and davekat and also a lil roxy/calliope in the bg and it’s long but!!!! so very good

Red Ties (10,705 words)

Dave Strider's eyes never turned the color of his soulmates. With his rare eye-color, there's next to no chance they simply share an eye color.

One day he meets Karkat Vantas.

//another cute soulmate au! again. love the soulmate aus what can i say

i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care (3,920 words)

Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.

//this is SO FUNNY short n sweet i promise

the calculation (2,481 words)

the fic in which Dave gets the flu for the first time since before the game and Karkat takes care of him.

//this fic is really funny and also sweet

Start At The Beginning (9,304)

//post-homestuck, Dave and karkat falling in love. the ending to thsi made me cry

I Love Cheap Thrills (4,773 words)

You’ve been trading memes with an international pop sensation, and your drunk ass had no idea.

Classic.

//this one is verrie funnie

Locked Up (9,272 words)

Dave had always been the one best prepared for the game. He was able to handle the shit it threw at them and push it down a lot better than everyone else could.

It might have fucked up everything else about him, but that didn't matter.

He was fine.

He was always fucking fine.

//angst. very nice

I’d Tap That (oh fuck i didn’t mean to tap that) (17,041 words)

Karkat finds his old school bully on Grindr. Dave doesn't know how to shut up.

// really funny!! sorry if these are getting redundant i don’t remember the details about some of these

Pale as Bone, Pale as Water (5,305 words)

//another davekat sickfic

Apple Juice, Chips, and Bandages (5,335 words)

Every time he comes in he gets the same three things. A bottle of apple juice, a bag of chips, and bandages.

//really cute!! they’re liddol and they’re friends it’s nice

The Land of Blood and Childhood Trauma (8,242 words)

When two dreambubbles collide, two anti-social assholes are forced to help each other through it.

//not quite as Angsty as it sounds! it’s good

ecdysis (6,077 words)

Karkat goes through his adult molt. Dave does his best to take it in stride.

//so i actually haven’t read this thought I did but Uh have it anyway it looks good

Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul (10,698 words)

//basically dave grapples with his internalized homophobia, etc. very good

turntechGodhead is offline (36,999 words)

//I’ve already ranted to you guys enough about this you know what it’s abt it’s SO FREAKING GOOD

A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas, Featuring A Multitude Of Illustrations By Your Esteemed Authors, As Well As Tips For The Aforementioned Wooing (11,261 words)

Kanaya, because she's a saint, makes you a list.

The list is entitled "A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas" and features a multitude of illustrations in purple pen.

"So we're doing this," you say. Your mouth threatens to twitch into something dangerously smile-shaped.

"Yes," says Kanaya. "We are making this happen."

"Hell yes."

//dave n karkat! they go on a date. stuff happens. it’s really good

Catching Colds on a Rock in the Middle of Space (15,887)

Rose catches a bad cold and it slowly spreads to the rest of the meteor crew. None of them are particularly good at admitting they're sick, let alone looking after themselves, but at least they're decent at caring for each other.

//rosemary and davekat! VERY sweet

Dave’s Girl (2,527 words)

The thing is no one knew anything more about "Kitty" other than her delicious cooking (Dave obviously doesn't want to share – ever) but the guys are more or less already in love with her. Drew insists she's probably this blond bombshell with big, blue eyes, all curves with legs that go on forever and a great rack... Practically everyone in the team has their own opinion.

//this is so funny and also im a sucker for these kinds of tropes so it’s great

Songs Made on the Meteor (27,762 words)

Dave makes music and they fall in love.

//on my to-read list! it looks good

Looks Just Like The Sun (12,231 words)

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window.

There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen.

“Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says.

And then it swallows you.

//okay. does this have explicit sex? yes. does it have a very explicit image? yes. HOWEVER (hear me out here) I firmly believe that if you whizz pass those parts, this is a very good fic with great characterization and fun banter. send tweet

aight happy reading

[swiss-cheeze]

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater || part 2 || Tommy Lee x reader

Warnings: really bad writing, slow burn

A/N: I’m gonna write one more part after this and that’ll be the end for Cheater Cheater! ((It’ll be smutty dw ;]))

Part one: https://snitchthewitch.tumblr.com/post/184823306925/cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater-tommy-lee-x

———

It had been a few years since you and Tommy had split up, the media had a field day with what they could get, constant cameras in your face, hand-held recorders, photos, news outlets, tabloids, billboards. Everything was about you and Tommy. Ever since the media went out you knew you had to get away from it all, you lived with Vince for a little while but you knew you couldn’t live like that for long. So, over a few days you had been able to pack your things in boxes and in the night (with Vince’s help) you moved to a new location; from the city front to the country side. It was the best idea you had ever had.

Of course you still had electricity and food and everything for a normal household but it was starting to get pretty lonely out there, your friends visited once every week or two but that was it, and it was spontaneous (you decided as a group on this) that it would happen, whenever someone had time to come over to you they would. Since then it’s been pretty lonely, you refused to listen to Mötley Crüe or read anything about it.

You had gone out with a few men since the breakup, it wasn’t all bad, a few lasted a little while but both parties said it didn’t feel right, some men were just normal hook-ups when you felt the need for it.

---

“I’m just saying (Y/n)! You very much need to find someone and settle down!” one of your friends said, a few glasses of wine had been shared between the two of you since the first bottle, and within that hour the pair of you turned into four as more started to rock up.

“Yeah! We wanna see some little children around here!” another one said from the chair in the corner of the room.

“Alright alright!” you yelled putting your hands in a defensive position, “I know you guys want some kids around here but if you do then why don’t you make some of your own?” the girl asked with a small giggle.

“Oh no, can’t with my work” the third one said, none of you actually knew what she did, she would give little hints but they were so vague none of you could really guess.

“You’re the family girl here (Y/n)!” one of them said.

“I’ll think about it, Emily is the one who has been getting guys for me” (Y/n) said matter-of-factly.

“And! Speaking of that!” Emily said as she walked back into the room with a sandwich, “I think I found someone”

“Who!?” the others yelled together.

“Calm down! He’s a family guy” Emily looked pointedly to everyone in the room besides (Y/n), their faces contorted into a ‘ohhh, I know what YOUR talking about’, (Y/n) cocked an eyebrow at that but didn’t question it, “he’s down to earth, very nice to look at, he does have a few tattoos and piercings and stuff! BUT! He’s really friendly, he’s so nice and kind and has helped me in a lot of situations” Emily said with a smile.

“What’s he look like then? And does he have a name?” (Y/n) asked as she scooted closer to Emily, hoping she would have a photo on her.

“No no no no no darling!” Emily quickly said with a grin, “if you really want to meet him, and learn his name” Emily said with a sly voice and sultry eyes, “you have to tell me, so I can organise a date” she said with a grin.

“Ugh! You suck Emily!” (Y/n) sighed, “Fine! I’ll go on a blind date then!”

“Great! Give me a few days to organise it, his timetable is pretty busy but I should be able to get him out from something” Emily said, she started to stand, “anyway, I think we should all be heading off, it’s getting a little dark and I need to get home for dinner”, the others agreed and started standing. The group said their goodbyes and hugs before finally leaving (Y/n) to her own. The girl started her own dinner, ate while watching the telly, did the dishes and then went to bed, nothing exciting happened around her house so it was better to get a good night’s sleep and wake early to get more jobs done for the next day.

Which is exactly what (Y/n) did.

---

It had been around two weeks since Emily and (Y/n)’s other friends had been at her house and tonight was the planned night for the blind date. Emily and (Y/n) were picking out what to wear.

“Why don’t you wear that sexy black number you got two years ago?” Emily asked, the girl sat on the bed as (Y/n) riffled through her wardrobe.

“No way, that shows too much thigh and cleavage” (Y/n) grumbled, she pulled out a purple overthrow, “this?”

“No way! You’d look like a peacock in that!” Emily said quickly and scoffed, “alright move, I’m choosing” the girl said, she grabbed the purple material, shoved it back on the rack and moved (Y/n) to the bed, “sit and watch” Emily said, (Y/n) huffed softly before sipping on the glass of wine that was next to her, the restaurant that her and the blind date were meant to look at was something on the more fancy side of things.

“I doubt you’ll find anything in there anyway” (Y/n) said absentmindedly.

“Found one!” Emily cheered.

“WHAT” (Y/n) yelled with a chuckle, “no way”, the girl stood up to walk next to Emily who pulled out a deep red dress, slinking everything until it hit the waist and slowly going out into a soft flare, the collar leant against the corners of the shoulders of the wearer and the front dipped into a soft heart shape, “Jesus I thought I threw that out” (Y/n) mumbled.

“It’s perfect, come on put it on” Emily said, she shoved the dress into (Y/n)’s hands, she sighed softly before walking into the bathroom to put the gown on, Emily giving off a small squeal.

“I don’t even know what makeup to wear!” (Y/n) yelled from the bathroom, the girl sighed softly as the flattened the gown of some wrinkles, “alright I’m done” she said reluctantly, Emily opened the bathroom door and smiled.

“You look beautiful (Y/n), he’s gonna love it” Emily said as she walked into the bathroom.

“If he shows up” (Y/n) mumbled rhetorically, Emily made a small ‘oh hush’ before fiddling with (Y/n)’s hair, Emily smiled softly as she started fiddling with the hair.

“And now makeup!” Emily said with a clap, she turned (Y/n) around, sat her on the toilet lid and made her way to (Y/n)’s makeup box, “you have almost no makeup” Emily said as she fiddled with a few things.

“When have you ever seen me wear makeup” (Y/n) said, Emily smirked, “exactly” (Y/n) said with a knowing smirk.

“Oh hush, just a little tonight, your skin is fine and eyebrows look great, just some soft peach lids and bold red lips” Emily said as she started painting the powder onto (Y/n)’s eyelids, blending it out into a soft brown on the corners and highlighting the girls inner corner.

“OW!” (Y/n) jerked back as the brush hit her eye, “THAT FUCKIN’ HURT”

“Tilt your head up and don’t cry you’ll ruin it!” Emily said quickly, (Y/n) tilted her head to look at the ceiling and blinked her eyes.

“Okay okay I’m good” (Y/n) said, the girl looked forward as Emily popped out some mascara, “I WILL BE DOING THAT” the girl said quickly, throwing Emily in to a fit of giggles, the girl let (Y/n) take the mascara and walk to the mirror as she applied the makeup.

“And then lipstick” Emily said as her giggles died down, she handed the tube of deep red to (Y/n) who looked at it with concern.

“This gets on my teeth and I look like an idiot I fully blame you” (Y/n) said as she pointed a finger to Emily, the girl only held her hands up in defence.

“That’s fine with me as long as it makes you go to this date” Emily said with a cheeky grin.

“Don’t even know why I agreed to this” (Y/n) said softly, the girl leant closer to the mirror as she applied the lipstick. Completing the look was the final touches of earrings and necklace, a beautiful silver chain with a ruby in the middle, simple, but it tied everything together.

---

Pulling up to the curb of the restaurant (Y/n) let out a soft sigh at the look of the building, “so, what do I say again?” she asked Emily as she turned to look at the girl.

“Say that you have a reservation under the name McClain and someone will guide you to a reserved seat, all you have to do is wait for him to arrive, I told him to get here at 8:40, yes I know it’s only 8:30, but this just means you have enough time to calm your nerves, get a drink of whatever you want and just relax” Emily said, “he already agreed to pay for everything on his own tab, so whatever you get he said to not worry about the price and to just enjoy yourself, he wants you to be you. Oh! Almost forgot” Emily said quickly, “he has shaved sides, so the sides of his head is shaved and he said he’ll be wearing a dark blue velvet blazer with the inside pattern looking like tropical flowers”

“O-okay” (Y/n) stuttered, great pep talk Em, thanks, love it, (Y/n) thought as she looked to the front doors and the gleaming lights beating hard against the night sky, “bite the bullet right?” (Y/n) mumbled to herself.

“See! That’s the spirit, go get ‘em tiger!” Emily said, (Y/n) chuckled with a shake of her head before she got out of the car, waved off Emily and started walking inside. Taking a deep breath at the doors (Y/n) fiddled with her clutch purse, hit her hand with it softly before walking in; immediately she was taken aback, the hallway was just breath-taking, a beautiful chandelier on the ceiling, lights that looked like diamonds along the walls and a red carpet on the tiled floors.

“Name miss?” a man asked coming up to (Y/n).

“O-oh, yes, um, McClain?” (Y/n) more asked then said, the man made a tick on his clipboard and scribbled something down. He smiled.

“Follow me miss” he said, the man started walking away and (Y/n) followed in tow, the man came to some double doors and opened one, as the girl walked in she couldn’t help but smile softly, tables where set around the place as well as some booths, windows in some places while people came and went through another door on the other end of the room holding food, obviously the kitchen. The man started walking again and (Y/n) followed, he came to a stop at a quant booth, white velvet seating and white table clothed table, (Y/n) sat down in the booth as the man handed her a menu, “would you like a drink or are you waiting?” he asked.

“Um” (Y/n) scanned the menu a little overwhelmed, fuck it, he’s paying anyway, “I would love a small vodka and a bottle of your finest Moët et Chandon” the girl said, the man jotted down some notes on his paper with a sly grin.

“Going to enjoy tonight I see” the man said softly as he looked to (Y/n), he was a quant old man, bald with a graying moustache, wrinkles adorned his forehead hands and eyes but he looked so alive.

“May as well” (Y/n) said with a small smile, “blind dates always get told in negative ways don’t they?” she said, the man let a small laugh fall through his moustache as he looked to (Y/n) with a nod.

“I’ll get your drinks, I didn’t say before but I will be your waiter for the evening, my name is Charles” the man, Charles, said, his smile shone brighter than the lights as his eyes disappeared with the smile, it was contagious as (Y/n) felt herself smiling back.

“Thank you Charles, I think I’ll order when said date gets here but the drinks will be perfect for now” (Y/n) said, “could I get some bread sticks or garlic bread though? To pass the time?” she asked, Charles chuckled softly and nodded.

“I will be right back” Charles said, he nodded once, turned, and started walking to the kitchen. (Y/n) let out a small breath as she played with a loose thread from the table cloth, she grabbed the napkin and placed it over her lap as she waited. Small chatter was all over the room with men dressed to the nines and women (old and young) dressed just as beautifully, (Y/n) smiled softly as she saw a family laughing amongst themselves, a young couple no older than 25, and a bright old couple, holding hands across the table and smiling as they talked. Charles started walking back to (Y/n)’s table with the girls drinks in hand. Charles set down the bottle of wine and a small 20 gram bottle of vodka, “would you like to wait for your date or order now?” Charles asked.

“No it’s okay, I’ll wait” (Y/n) said as Charles poured some wine into her glass, the old man gave (Y/n) a wink before nodding.

“Flag me down if you need anything ma’am” Charles said, (Y/n) nodded with a small ‘thank you’ as Charles walked off to another table. (Y/n) sighed softly, she slunk back into the booth slightly as she downed the small vodka quickly and cringed at the burn down her throat, she never really did like vodka; most alcohol she was fine with but vodka had always been a pain in the ass to the girl. (Y/n) sipped lightly at her wine as the time passed by slowly, she looked to the clock on the side wall; time had passed fairly quickly since she first got here and this special man was meant to be with her in less than two minutes, (Y/n) accidentally choked on her wine at the thought of meeting someone in less than two minutes she had never even heard of. She waited patiently, every moment the doors opened and someone walked in she held her breath and quickly scanned their outfit to see if they would be ‘the one’, but every time she did it was never the mystery man. It was now 8:45, officially five minutes past the time the man was meant to be at the restaurant, the girl let out a soft smile as she poured herself another glass of wine, the bottle was still looking good, much over half way still filled but (Y/n) knew that could change any second. The girls thoughts walked a road of who the man was, what he looked like and what he would be like; was he tall or short? ‘Big’ or skinny? Was he nice and calm or was he rude and obnoxious? (Y/n) looked around and realized how uncomfortable she actually was in a setting like this, all dolled up and posh, she would rather a crowded bar filled with cigarette smoke and good beers, good friends and shitty perverts that she could knock out, the girl smirked at some earlier memories of doing that many a time before. However, (Y/n)’s thoughts where cut short as a voice brought her back to reality, a voice she hadn’t heard in almost 3 years.

“You look rather uncomfortable in this environment, if I knew it was you I would’ve taken you to a bar instead of this place” Tommy said.

———

TAGLIST ((comment to be added)):

@tephi101 ||

[nancywheelxr]

okay this is probably a romcom plot, but: please imagine Brainy being set up on a dating app by someone, only he uses a fake name so nobody knows he's an alien, and at the same time, Kara gets convinced to join a dating app by Alex. Kara and Brainy end up matched with each other and agree to a date, hilarity ensues.

Are you kidding me? I absolutely love romcom tropes. Give me all the cliches. And the comedic potential of this one? Off the charts. The pining? Unbelievable.  love it.

“This is a terrible idea,” Brainy says, but makes no move to retrieve his phone from Winn’s clutches, only sighing in defeat when it chirps with a notification.

“Excuse me? This is an awesome idea,” Winn calls, not bothering to look up from the screen. There are a lot of fields to fill up and it’s kind of hard when you have to literally make half of it up as he goes. Dating apps were not made for people without a normal, sane, human backstory; for some reason, alien might be kind of a turn off for some people– or the beginning of a Criminal Minds episode, depending on your luck. “Are you sure we’re going with Barney, though? It’s a little too purple dinosaur, isn’t it?”

“But it’s my coffee and pizza name, and since you said my true name might be more of a third date thing,” Brainy makes a face as he recites his early argument. But it’s true, Winn’s right on that, this is a hill is prepared to die on, especially because it is a crucial part of their super secret plan. “It will be easier for me to answer to that, instead of a completely new alias.”

“Fine, fine,” he rolls his eyes. Thank god for mathematical algorithms that don’t take embarrassing names into account. The app promises to match people according to their interests and personality traits, bragging about connecting people with the love of their lives. It’s all very anti-Tinder, and Winn isn’t sure where he’s standing on that, but whatever. Who cares about morals, they have to think of the bigger picture here– the whole thing is useful and that’s what matters. “Here, you’re all set up. Now all you have to do is wait, soon enough the app will match you with a guy, gal, or non-binary pal. If you don’t like ‘em, swipe left and try again.”

“And this is supposed to show me my soulmate?” The disbelief is clear on his voice, matching with the unimpressed look he levels his phone.

“Well, not really, but you know. Someone, mathematically, it thinks would be good with you, someone you match with.” Winn shrugs, dropping his phone on his lap and standing up. He yawns, stretching, and starts slowly backing away to the door, “damn, look at the time, it’s so late, I should get going, but hey– don’t delete the app. Have some patience, ye of little faith.”

“Thank you, I suppose, although I did not ask you to do this,” Brainy pauses, frowning up at Winn. “In fact, you were the one that insisted.”

“And you’re welcome,” Winn salutes him, grinning like the cat who knows he’s got the cream, “I’m just looking out for you, man. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Yes, indeed,” he agrees, watching him go with suspicion on his eyes and phone on his hand, “how thoughtful.”

“Yup, that’s me, Mr.Thoughtful. See you around, call if you need any help with the app!” Winn holds his breath until the cool, night air hits his face, then he breathes out, pulling up his own phone to text the eagle has landed.

we’re also a go here, is the answer a few seconds later.

great, operation stop the pining before we murder one of them is a go, he sends back.

yeah, we’re not calling it that

Im working on it, dw, Winn grins, already hailing a cab. He’s got some work to do at home.

*

“Alex, why do you hate me so?” Kara asks seriously, pillow hugged angrily to her chest, “this is a terrible idea! It’s literally how dozens of Law & Order episodes start. Or CSI. Or literally any other cop show.”

“Except Brooklyn 99,” Alex answers idly, more worried about setting up Kara’s profile on the app. “And don’t be melodramatic, there was no Tinder at that time.”

“It’s the same thing!” She whines from her side of the couch, “I’m your sister, why are you insisting on being accessory to my murder?”

“That’s incorrect, just because you’ve watched every season of Suits on Netflix, it doesn’t mean you know how to use legal jargon,” Alex types away, cleaning up her sister’s backstory so it fits better, nothing that could raise any potential flags. Just in case. They can never be too careful. “Here, it’s ready.”

Kara picks up her phone with the tip of her fingers as if it would suddenly blow up on their faces. She narrows her eyes, reading her brand new profile with judgemental eyes. “Not bad,” she says loftily, “but I stand by what I said. This is dumb. An algorithm can’t possibly know who I will or will not fall in love with– this is clearly preying on people’s desire to be loved, and on the whole myth created around true love, and–”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” she stops her tirade, easing the pillow from her fingers before Kara could rip something apart. “You don’t think it’s gonna work, that’s fair, I don’t think that either. But this is not about finding your one true love bullshit. It’s about you putting yourself out there and having some fun! And this app? It’s just going to narrow it down, make it a little easier for you, showing you people that share the same interests as you.”

The familiar, telltale crinkle dissolves from her face, but Kara still looks down dubiously at her screen. “Fine, ugh. But I’m giving it one go. If it crashes and burns like I know it will, it’s over. Deal?”

Alex grins, “deal.” She glances at the clock, startling when her own phone buzzes. the eagle has landed, the text reads. Alex bites back an even wider grin, texting back, we’re also a go here. “Hey, Kara? I think I’m heading home now, I need to swing by the grocery store.”

“Sure,” Kara replies easily, yawning and falling down on the empty spot on the couch, “I’ll call you if anything exciting happens, like my untimely murder.”

great, operation stop the pining before we murder one of them is a go, comes in the next text and Alex snorts, calling back distractedly, “yeah, yeah, you do that. Lunch tomorrow, don’t forget.”

“You’re way too blasé about this!” is the last thing she hears before the door closes. yeah, we’re not calling it that, she answers, rolling her eyes. Good, step one went down smoothly, now all they have left to do is wait, and hope Winn holds up his end of the plan.

Im working on it, dw

hack away, she sends, pocketing her phone. Step two is a go.

*

Barney, you have a match! Kara is waiting for you to say hi!

*

Kara, you have a match! Barney is waiting for you to say hi!

[livingcorner]

The Trick of Knowing When to Harvest Garlic

Your garlic cloves were planted last September (or maybe October or November?), grew steadily through winter and spring, and now that it’s nearly summer, they’re ready to be picked from the garden, right?

Well, maybe.

You're reading: The Trick of Knowing When to Harvest Garlic

Unlike many vegetables that are planted in spring and harvested in fall, garlic is usually planted in fall and harvested from late spring to mid summer. It’s a long-maturing crop, taking eight to nine months from seed garlic (plantable cloves) to final harvest.

Related: Know When to Grow: A Planting Calendar for Your Garden

Garlic is also one of those things where timing is everything, and the harvest period can span from May to August, depending on the date of planting, the weather conditions, and the type of garlic grown.

It can’t be picked too early or too late, but since the bulbs are all underground, how can you really tell when your garlic is ripe and ready?

The short answer is: It’s all in the leaves.

How do you know when garlic is ready to harvest?

Unlike its allium cousin, the onion, garlic matures when its leaves are still partially green. Garlic bulbs remain below ground during development, so it’s hard to know when they’re ready to harvest.

Onion leaves, on the other hand, begin to lose color and wilt when they stop growing. The tops dry up and flop over, telling you it’s time to harvest onions. Most onion bulbs have pushed themselves out of the soil and it’s easy to see whether they’ve fully matured.

So what’s the trick of knowing when to harvest garlic?

Look at how many leaves are left on the plant.

Each leaf above ground indicates a layer of protective paper wrapped around the bulb. A garlic plant with 10 green leaves, for example, will have 10 layers of bulb wrappers.

While there’s no standard number of leaves that garlic should have, a reliable harvest indicator is when half the leaves have died off, and half are still green. The leaves start to die off from the bottom up.

Just don’t wait until all the leaves have died back before you start to harvest. Without the bulb wrappers protecting the garlic head, the cloves may separate and the garlic won’t store well.

Read more: How to Improve Heavy Clay Soil

Here’s another trick for timing the harvest of your garlic: If you grow hardneck garlic, your crop will form garlic scapes about four to six weeks before the bulb is mature. Once you harvest the scapes, wait a month or so, then start checking the size of the bulbs.

When should you stop watering your garlic?

Continue to water your garlic as usual in spring, even as the leaves start to die off.

When at least 50 to 75 percent of your crop has reached the telltale stage of maturity—half the leaves are brown and half are green—stop watering your garlic for one week.

This allows the soil to dry out a bit to prevent rot, and makes harvesting easier if the soil is loose and crumbly instead of wet and compressed.

How to harvest garlic

First, do a pre-check (as I like to call it).

Lightly dig into the soil around a random bulb, or a few random bulbs (taking care not to damage any of the wrappers or cloves), and check its size without digging the whole thing up.

If the bulb looks small, pat the soil back down and wait a few more days before you check again. If the bulb looks substantial, the wrappers tight, and the cloves plump and well-formed, it’s ready to be harvested.

Carefully loosen the soil around your bulbs with a trowel and gently pull the garlic out from the base of its stem, at its neck. Brush off any excess dirt that falls off easily.

Should you wash garlic after harvesting?

Do not wash your garlic or remove the bulb wrappers after harvesting.

Washed garlic tends to accumulate extra moisture in the bulb that may lead to fungal infestations. It’s also additional time and effort that simply isn’t necessary, and I am all for efficiency in the garden!

From a cleanliness standpoint, most of the dirt sticks to the outermost layer of paper, which is also the layer that tends to shred and peel away during harvest. Once this layer falls off naturally, it’ll reveal a clean layer of bulb wrapper.

How to use and store garlic

If you plan to eat your garlic right away, use scissors to trim the leaves and roots so you can keep them tidy in the kitchen.

Do store the garlic at room temperature in a dark, dry place with plenty of air circulation, such as an open paper bag or wire basket in a pantry or cupboard.

Don’t store garlic in the refrigerator. Light and moisture are its worst enemies, and garlic stored in the fridge for a long period will start to get moldy or sprout.

You should use the garlic within 3 weeks, or within 7 to 10 days once you break open a head of garlic. Any garlic that may have been cosmetically damaged during harvest (but are still edible) should be used first, as it’ll decline in quality sooner.

If you want to prepare your garlic for long-term storage, keep the leaves and roots intact and follow this guide for curing your garlic crop.

When do different garlic varieties mature?

Generally, Asiatic and Turban varieties of garlic mature first in the season (as early as May in some areas), while Silverskins mature last (in July or August).

There can be a six- to eight-week span between the time the earliest garlics are ready to when the latest-maturing garlics are pulled from the ground. Smaller plants often mature earlier than larger plants.

For example, I once planted Ajo Rojo (a Creole garlic) and Siciliano (an Artichoke garlic) in October in my Southern California garden, and both were picked about two weeks apart in late May and early June. These spring harvests are typical of warmer regions, especially for cultivars that are well suited to the climate.

In northern climates, harvest from fall plantings typically occur in late July to August.

In southern climates, harvest depends on the actual planting date.

Read more: Why the Germans love their allotment gardens | DW | 12.08.2020

Garlic Maturity Chart by Type

Cultivar Maturity Turban May to June Asiatic May to June Artichoke June to July Rocambole June to July Creole June to July Glazed Purple Stripe July Purple Stripe July Marbled Purple Stripe July Porcelain July to August Silverskin July to August

Your harvest period is also determined by the current weather and soil conditions, so even if you grew the same cultivar of garlic this season, it may not mature at the same rate as last season.

Since there are no hard-and-fast dates to go by, the best way of knowing when to harvest garlic is to start paying attention to the leaves in spring.

Common questions about harvesting garlic

What if I pull my garlic too early?

The garlic bulb will be smaller and may not have fully divided into cloves. The bulb wrappers will be thin and disintegrate more easily, leaving your garlic susceptible to rot or other damage.

What if I pull my garlic too late?

If left in the ground too long, over-ripened garlic bulbs tend to divide and form shoots from each clove (looking like a Siamese twins version of garlic). While they’re still edible, they won’t last in storage and need to be used right away.

Should I let my garlic flower?

In spring, hardneck garlics produce rigid flower stalks (called garlic scapes) that eventually lead to blossoms on the end.

While it’s not recommended to let them flower if you want good, robust bulbs, the presence of the garlic scape itself doesn’t seem to slow bulb development. A better option is to cut off the garlic scape when it begins to curl and eat it!

Can I use garlic right out of the ground?

Yes, you can use freshly dug garlic right away, raw or cooked. You can also eat garlic before it’s cured.

A good way to split your harvest is to set a handful of bulbs aside that you can eat within three weeks, then cure the remaining garlic so they’ll store for several months.

When do I harvest spring garlic?

Spring garlic (also known as green garlic or baby garlic) is garlic that was planted in fall, but harvested while it’s still immature. At this early stage, the bulbs of green garlic haven’t divided yet, and the crop is picked for its tasty, scallion-like leaves.

Green garlic can be harvested at any point in early spring while the leaves are green and tender. While some people grow green garlic as a primary crop, others use this technique to thin a densely planted crop in spring.

Here’s what to do next with your garlic harvest

A Guide to Curing and Storing Garlic

This post updated from an article that originally appeared on July 9, 2011.

Source: https://livingcorner.com.au Category: Garden

source https://livingcorner.com.au/the-trick-of-knowing-when-to-harvest-garlic/

[fragiilexa]

all of the odd numbers

distract me pls

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

Uh… nnnoo..? Um this question isn’t spesific enough for me to answer correctly. I’m not dating anyone if that’s what this question means.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

My cat who literally just ‘meowed’ five seconds ago.

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

No, I’m not. Not really.

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

Sadly no that sounds comfy tho.

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

There’s only three beds in my house & I’m never on other people’s beds so.. those three ig.

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Well not as planned no. I have learned literally nothing goes as planned. But things aren’t going as bad as I feared & I have a job now so I cannot complain about anything.

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

Rottwiler. Poodles… are cute but… jfc they’re so fluffy & they look prissy lmao

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Already answered.

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

I don’t have a phone that’s mine, so I don’t have a first phone contact.

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

I have never dated but like… starting up with old friends again… i… dunno… probably ‘cause i’m a weak ass yeah.

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

If I knew I had the right person I would want to, but ya’ll that marrage stuff needs to be planned again. I gotta find a dress & stuff fam. But I mean, yes I would.

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

Zero 

25: What’s on your mind?

Girls are really pretty. 

27: What is your favorite color?

Pink or soft blues or rainbow bc i can’t choose.

29: Who are you texting?

No one at the moment.

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yeah, usually it has to do with like.. friendships & stuff but I also have a lot of anxiety so it has happened but at the same time I know there’s a lot of times where I have a bad feeling & nothing comes of it ‘cause it’s just my anxiety. 

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Uh, yes? idk but if anyone did I am bad with feelings so im bad at showing them back lmao okay I suck tbh

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I have… never kissed anyone… :( someone change this. But if the person I wanted to kiss was kissing someone in front of me i’d be sad so.

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

Still haven’t kissed anyone, sigH

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Nah not really. I’ve been annoyed by my Dad but not like, upset just annoyed.

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

There was one on my arm & Idk how i got it but if someone wants to make a new one I mean ;)))) 

JKJKJKJKBYE

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Yesterday I had a really strong urge to not be home ‘cause I don’t have like, full privacy & it bothers me sometimes.

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Meh, I’m not really into like having a ton of shoes so I don’t have a favorite I just have a few & they’re all meh.

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Uh no my hair is my favorite thing about me lmao noooooooo

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes. I’d die if it didn’t.

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Lmao my Dad hates shopping.

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Yeah. I don’t like them.

55: How is your hair?

It’s doin’ good fam dw. asdfsdg, no it’s getting too long actually I want to get it cut again… but also… i wanna grow it out…. idk.

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

Yeah. I don’t think to people will always be happy together or always be ‘in love’ all the time but I do believe that two people can choose to stay dedicated to one another forever. It’s about choice more than it is about being happy or infatuated all the time. 

59: Green or purple grapes?

Green!

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yeah. I wish I wasn’t in this state bc distace is a thing and I wanna be cuddling someone right now but sadly!! They’re too far away!! Ugh!!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here still, but getting ready to go meet my Mom’s friend for dinner.

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yeah. Same person.

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

NO SADLY I HAVE NOT. I should hug my mama :( 

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yep. Happens more than you think. But it’s life yanno? Sometimes things just dont work out for you & you have to take the punches. It doesn’t mean that that world is over or your life is meaningless it just means that you have to take a moment, then start again, or push on.

71: How many fingers do you have?

What an odd question? I have ten. ???

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

I’ll be 22!!!!!!!!!

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

Uh… hmm well idk who… my first love was… it’s complicated and so I don’t know how to answer this question ‘cause my feelings confuse me lmao.

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

No. But I really didnt have many friends then or now so.

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

No.

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Depends on what u mean by ‘like’ but just one.

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

I dunno hopefully, that’d be lovely if I did.

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

I don’t have a signifigant other but if I did I would probably not like that they were into drugs… like, idk pot ig that’s kind of like?? A lot of people do that but anything else would be a harsh no. I don’t even like smoking really.

87: Who was your last received call from?

My work.

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Money so I could buy people things & go christmas shopping.

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Not anymore it’s too cold.

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Uh… probably lmao but it’s… easier right now not to tell them.

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

UR FORGETING I STILL, IN THE SPAN OF THIS ASK HAVE NOT GOTTEN KISSED YET. SADNESS.

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

Yes. Sadly, again, im in tears.

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in intriuge, curiosity, & infatuation at first sight. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to fall in love with that person later, but it’s not love at first sight.