#dumbass 🦇

[dr-kahl-fan]

The devil and his number one

[motor-city-selfryed]

does anyone know where “the life of alex shelley” documentary is bc i fear i need it

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pathetic Eclipse actually managing to get the Star one day, through sheer dumb luck that managed to look like a well-executed evil scheme. And everyone is freaking out because holy shit the harmless dork villain actually pulled off real dastardly genius pro villain shit.

Meanwhile Pathetic Eclipse is just lost on what to do now that he’s won, because “I don’t know. I never thought I’d get this far…”🦇

Pathetic Eclipse simply looks at Moon, looks at the Star. Looks at Moon. Looks at the Star. Looks at Moon. Then simply says 'want this back?' To which Moon says 'yes', of course, he does indeed not want Eclipse to have the Star.

Moon knows at this point that his dumbass child didn't even try to get the Star after having seen just how pathetic Eclipse is, especially with all his failed torment resulting in injuries to only himself. He has seen the level of dumbass Eclipse is and knows exactly how incredibly pathetic he is and loves his stupid clumsy son by that point.

Eclipse hands Moon the Star back after tripping over the guard rail and falling into the main balcony room from the balcony. Moon now has a crying Eclipse who just cracked his faceplate and is whining that his head hurts.

[vampiremotif]

juice, best character of all time

[deliveringspookzandtreatz]

❝ you can't go 24 hours without having some kind of accident, huh? ❞

"Look. Strebs. In my defense I thought i could have jumped that gap. It looked small enough for me to jump across"

Marco broke his good arm while trying to jump across a retraining arm to another one. At least it wasnt that tall to mess him up too much but he had a cast on his arm and was staying home for a few days

"Hell i was close i bet if i did it again i would make it! I was super duper close you should have seen it!!"

marco for fuck sake do not. you dummy. He was not taking a lot of this seriously like this was a usual weekend for him

"Besidesssss you do stupid things too from time to time you can't be so judgy on me"

[dokitm-arch]

me: I HAVE OVER 1000 GEMS, I'M GONNA SAVE IT ALL FOR UNION BDAY SILVER!!! also me:

[solitaireships]

What the hell are they doing to Bruce and Selina with this new event

[vampthropologist]

the energy rushes back into my body as I eat several crackers, cheeses, and salamis

[redvdress]

Ahem katsuki taking care of you when your sick? 🫣

I’m so sick lately I need something to devour rn to survive (you don’t have to tho dw bb)

DUMBASS FLU PATROL

A/N: i’m SO SO SO SORRY this and all the other requests are taking so long but i’ve been running out of ideas and school took a lot of time from me. This prompt was just so fun to write ‘cause I can perfect picture bakugo taking care of reader..in his own way..I’ve been sick to after hanging out for halloween night, we all need a bakugo to take care of us🦇

It starts with Bakugo noticing something off about you during class.

He wouldn’t say anything right away, but he’s sharp enough to pick up on small changes. You’re quieter than usual, your eyes look a little glazed, and you keep rubbing your temples.

At first, he thinks you’re just tired from all the late-night study sessions you two have been pulling together, but when you keep sniffling and coughing under your breath, he starts to get annoyed.

Not at you—no, he’s irritated because you’re clearly sick and trying to tough it out, which to him is just stupid.

As class goes on, he watches you like a hawk out of the corner of his eye.

You’re shivering slightly, even though the room isn’t cold. Finally, during a brief break, he leans over, his usual scowl firmly in place as he mutters,

“Oi, what the hell’s wrong with you? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

You give him a tired smile, trying to brush it off. “I’m fine, Bakugo. Just a little under the weather.”

“Bullshit,” he snaps, barely lowering his voice. A couple of classmates look over, but Bakugo doesn’t care.

“You’re sick, dumbass. Why didn’t you stay in bed?”

You shrug, trying to play it off like it’s no big deal. “Didn’t want to fall behind.”

Bakugo grits his teeth, muttering curses under his breath.

The fact that you’d drag yourself to class, even when you’re clearly unwell, pisses him off more than he’d like to admit.

Part of him is frustrated that you’re so stubborn, but another part—the part he doesn’t like to acknowledge—feels a strange pang of concern.

After class, he’s practically glued to your side, his eyes narrowed and jaw clenched as he escorts you out of the room. You insist you’re fine, that you just need some rest, but Bakugo’s having none of it.

“Shut up,” he growls when you try to brush him off. “You’re goin’ back to your room, and you’re not leavin’ until you’re better. Got it?”

You try to argue, but Bakugo’s glare is unyielding. His hand finds the small of your back, firm but surprisingly gentle as he steers you down the hall. He’s not usually one for soft gestures, but something about seeing you weak and vulnerable sets off an instinct he can’t ignore.

Once he gets you to your dorm room, he practically shoves you inside, crossing his arms as he stands in the doorway, blocking any chance of escape.

“Get in bed,” he orders, his voice rough but laced with an unmistakable note of concern.

You sigh, knowing better than to argue with him at this point.

You climb into bed, pulling the covers over yourself as he watches, his eyes sharp and critical, like he’s assessing just how sick you are.

After a moment, he grumbles, “You got medicine in here?”

You nod weakly, gesturing toward your desk where you have a small stash of over-the-counter meds.

Bakugo grabs them, inspecting each bottle with a furrowed brow, clearly reading the labels with more intensity than necessary.

He pours out the recommended dosage and hands it to you along with a glass of water, his expression a mixture of irritation and reluctant care.

“Take it” he says, watching closely as you down the pills. You can’t help but chuckle softly at his intensity, which only makes him scowl harder.

“Quit laughing, idiot. You’re the one who’s sick,” he mutters, almost to himself.

Bakugo doesn’t leave after that.

Instead, he grabs a chair from your desk, dragging it over to sit beside your bed, his arms crossed as he watches you. You raise an eyebrow, surprised by his persistence.

“You don’t have to stay, you know,” you murmur, your voice a little hoarse.

He scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Like I’m gonna leave you here to get worse just ‘cause you’re stubborn as hell. Someone’s gotta make sure you don’t do somethin’ stupid.”

There’s a warmth in his tone, buried under layers of gruffness, but it’s there.

The corners of his mouth twitch, almost like he’s considering a smile, but he quickly forces his expression back into a scowl.

You settle under the blankets, feeling a strange sense of comfort in his presence.

For the next few hours, Bakugo stays put, occasionally checking your temperature with the back of his hand (grumbling something about “damn germs” every time he does it) and making sure you’re drinking enough water. At one point, he disappears for a few minutes and comes back with a bowl of soup he somehow got from the cafeteria.

It’s barely warm by the time he returns, but the gesture makes your chest feel warm.

“Eat” he commands, holding the bowl out to you.

You take it, giving him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Bakugo.”

He looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, whatever. Just don’t get used to it.”

As the day goes on, you start to drift in and out of sleep, your fever making you drowsy. Each time you wake, Bakugo is still there, watching over you with a mixture of irritation and quiet worry. At one point, you feel his hand gently brush your forehead, checking for any sign of improvement.

The touch is warm—maybe a bit too warm, given his quirk—and you find it oddly soothing.

Just as you’re dozing off again, you hear him mutter under his breath, “Stupid… makin’ me worry like this…”

It’s barely audible, but it makes your heart flutter.

You feel yourself drifting back into sleep, a faint smile on your lips as you listen to him grumble, his voice softening in a way you rarely hear.

When you wake up again, it’s late, the room bathed in the dim glow of your bedside lamp. Bakugo’s still there, now slouched in the chair, looking half-asleep himself. He’s fighting to stay awake, his arms crossed, head nodding forward slightly.

You feel a pang of guilt, realizing he’s been with you all day. “You should go rest..” you whisper, not wanting him to feel obligated to stay.

He snaps awake, scowling. “I’m fine. You’re the one who looks like crap.”

You can’t help but smile, too tired to argue with him. Instead, you simply reach out, your fingers brushing his arm. He stiffens for a moment, surprised by the contact, but he doesn’t pull away.

“Thank you… really,” you murmur, your voice soft.

He looks at you, and for a second, his expression softens, his usual harshness fading just slightly. He lets out a small sigh, leaning forward to gently press his hand against your forehead again, feeling your temperature one last time.

“Tch. You’re still warm,” he mutters, but there’s a tenderness in his tone that he can’t quite hide. Not with you.

You close your eyes, feeling yourself drift back into sleep, his presence comforting and grounding.

Just before you drift off completely, you feel his hand linger on your forehead, his thumb brushing softly against your skin. It’s such a small, unexpected gesture, but it speaks volumes—his way of showing he cares without saying a word.

As you fall asleep, you can just barely hear him mumbling under his breath, his tone low and almost affectionate.

“You better get better soon, idiot. Can’t have you fallin’ apart on me.”

[dr-kahl-fan]

"I don't know why I bite"

"My friends think I like to fight but it's just not true. Sometimes I lose my temper, blow off a little steam but.. I've never enjoyed it. I'm not a violent dog.. I don't know why I bite..."

"I'm not attracted to tame animals"

"Thank you"

Time taken: 4 hours, 15 minutes

[oneforthemunny]

🦇🍯🌀 here r mine instead (redid it)

mafia!eddie, fluff, pet based.

"God fuckin' dammit," Eddie's hiss rang through the halls, echoing in the most cryptic of ways, leaving you halting with hesitation.

"Can you fucking do this shit right? Do something right for once in your life, Gareth." Eddie snapped, tone filled with agitation.

"Sorry, I'm not a fuckin' arts and crafts expert, Munson." Gareth snapped back, tone just as biting, filled with sarcasm. "I don't know how to do this type of shit, man."

"Oh, you don't? Don't bullshit me. You used to make disentanglement puzzles and fuckin' scrolls every week. Don't tell me that bullshit- Diablo, sit- just fuckin' do it." Eddie growled, his voice growing more and more irritated with each step you took.

You lingered for a moment, hoping your footsteps were quiet, muffled by the carpet as you crept around the corner, peeking into the office.

The boys must have heard you, whining and squirming with defiance, only to be corrected by Eddie's sharp click of his tongue.

"Fuck! He moved." Gareth huffed, tossing the canvas to the side, with a growing pile of others. "This is so stupid. Why are you doin' this, Munson?"

"Because- Just, shut the fuck up and do it again." Eddie sneered, nerves grated with irritation. He craved a cigarette, maybe a joint. "Don't use as much paint this time."

"Then you do it." Gareth huffed, throwing his hands up. "You try and dip their paw in this shit. They're moving-"

You leaned in, seeing the gaggle of Dobermen sitting at attention, tails wagging at the sliver of sight of you. Diablo wrapped up in Eddie's arms, his right paw lifted, coated in... paint?

"-God, all you do is bitch." Eddie grunted. "I'll fucking do it, since you can't-" His eyes caught yours, snapping back with intensity that had Lucifer running, taking his master's shock as his chance to run to you.

"Baby," Eddie's voice caught, breaking boyishly in his throat. "You're- I thought you said after five?"

"Nice, real nice." Gareth laughed humorlessly. "Did all this shit, and look. Surprise ruined. Good going, dumbass." He rolled his eyes at Eddie, standing.

"Martha Stewart over here is trying to surprise you." Gareth muttered when he passed you. "You deal with him. He's your's now."

Eddie grumbled under his breath, shoulders slumping with defeat as the dogs ran to you, Diablo leaving a trail of paw printed paint behind him.

"What... What are you doing?" You whispered, looking at the pile of canvases, a few on Eddie's desk, others tossed in a pile.

"I, uh, I was trying to make you something." Eddie admitted, muttering towards the ground. "I wanted it to be something special. Like priceless kinda thing, and... and I saw something similar at a shop- Well, it was a painting, but I thought I'd make the real thing with each of their paw prints, but I fucked up and asked Gareth, that worthless fuck-" Eddie cut his rant short, breath catching when he saw you.

Your eyes wide, face neutral in an unreadable way as you scanned the room. Eddie's heart skipped, palms sweaty. "I, uh, I'm obviously getting you a better gift too." He added quickly, not wanting you to think this was your only birthday gift. "I just... I thought you'd like this too."

He paused, your eyes not meeting his, slowly walking towards the two canvases on his desk- Vecna and Lucifer's names printed on their respective canvas, a perfect paw print above them.

"Do you?" Eddie said after a moment, his voice way needier than he would have ever allowed with anyone but you. Your eyes met his. "Do you like it?"

A laugh bubbled up through your chest, head swimming with emotions, heart swelling so much you thought it might burst out of your chest. "Like it? You- Eddie," Your voice shook, holding back a wave of emotions. "This is the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for me in my whole life."

Eddie's chest loosened, letting his nerves fall and pride take their place. "Really?" Eddie whispered, petting Diablo's head as he returned back to his side.

You nodded, tears brimming your waterline. Here he was, the man with the roughest reputation in most of Indiana, doing crafts- for you. Making a gift just for you. Sure, he could buy anything, would buy anything for you. But still, he chose to give you something truly priceless.

You pulled him into a sweet kiss, one that left you both burning with excited, loving heat, pressing kisses to his cheeks, noses rubbing together as you muttered strings of thanks and praises.

The rest of the night, you spent with your boys, carefully stamping each paw print on the canvas, despite Eddie's protest that it defeated the gift aspect. You assured him this was the greatest gift.

[ethelcained]

rosemary (matt sturniolo) ⛧°｡🦇

they’re both twitch streamers.. planning on writing an actual fic soon so requests are deeply appreciated!! thank you so much for all of the love in my last post <333 it means the world ⭐️⭐️ let me know if you’d like me to turn this into a series (;

777.starlem

liked by mothercain and 1,987,456 others

777.starlem 🕯️🦇⋰ ⋱✮ streaming @ 6 pst!!

View all 5,678 comments

aerichandesu star tat pic... you’re a fucking slut

777.starlem just say you want me…

salemywife … i want you 🤗

starboxed will aeri and hamzah stream with you?

hamzahthefantastic U find as he’ll i won’t u

777.starlem i’m gonna hurt you.

slushysalem RUN HAMZAH RUN

aerisgigi martin won’t let you

radvxz wanna kiss you 💋

777.starlem come here

pinkpantheress that fortnite buzzcut is no joke!!

nebruhska245 fr bruh

starstarstarzzz got my cut and came out bald

steve.lacy 😵‍💫😵‍💫

mayawinky gf

777.starlem 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩!!!

dvasdiva pls tell me you’re playing overwatch

sturniolo33luvr please don’t wish that upon us

radioheadenjoyer nah she better play fortnite

ariana_greenblatt the laptop??

777.starlem it’s old dumbass

kdagrande11 favourite sisters 🙏🙏

matthew.sturniolo

liked by tarayummy and 834,986 others

matthew.sturniolo Streaming now 🍎🩹

View all 6,286 comments

mattpugluvr My girl boner is through the roof

christophersturniolo Bing bang pow

fortniterizzlette69 what is bro even saying 😭

kda4lifesz literally

destinconrad nah fuck YOUR side

matthew.sturniolo WROOONG ���❌❌

laufey333 someone tell nick his brother nd bf are fighting

taycroom69 i don’t think he cares tbh🫠

madisonbeer is it even safe to play fortnite

matthew.sturniolo We’re playing fall guys

ellamaebae NOT HIM BEING SCARED OF SALEM

snot Brudda

nicolassturniolo Going to eat you

frankoceanlover93 Me too fr

777.starlem oh..

matthew.sturniolo Oh?

salemariana33 ariana what r u doin here??

mattismymunch what happened to him never being able to step foot in mount olympus 😏🤣

fayewebnerd that was before she found out he was cute

beaszapinklvr 👀👀👀

777.starlem

liked by pinkpantheress and 1,806,983 others

777.starlem texted my doctor n i was liek “haiiii :3 how much for 3 prozacs >////<” no reply back )))),:

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radvxz literally so babygirl

777.starlem thank u!!! ^^

christophersturniolo This pic so fucking tuff man

777.starlem on some real shit

sturnisalem777 ??????????

milesmoralestds this is crazy

salemluvrgirl ARE WE GONNA SLIDE PAST HER HANGING OUT WOTH THE TRIPLETS??????

mattisbbgprincess honestly i’m surprised they waited this long

ethelilysmrip she’s too cool for the triplets

salemsfortnitebf @ethelilysmrip are we talking about the same salem orrrrr??? that is the biggest loser

kdalol154 @salemsfortnitebf FR💀💀💀💀

solanamymomma33 i’m really just happy salem and solana are friends idrc ab anything else tbh 🤓

tylerdainventor real !!!! and when salem dates matt and they can both be sister in laws 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

salemermaid77 nah she’s for the girls

beabadoobeesbzz @salemermaid77 are we gonna ignore the tweet she accidentally posted two months ago orrrrrrr….

sarahsarahsarah @beabadoobeesbzz outta sight outta mind!!

ft.gioo smash

777.starlem 🔄🔄🔄👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

matthew.sturniolo Cutest scene girl

777.starlem SO YOU THINK IM CUTE 😨😨

444salemwifey FUCK ITS SPREADING

lilghettobitchesdatqueef @matthew.sturniolo SHES MINE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ you stay away from her

steve.lacy i am björk

solanaroan speak on it twin

mayawinky it’s true

destinconrad he be serenading me with hyperballad

novacane1728 What a intimidating group of losers

wewecroissant3333 real !! this is why i’m not surprised they’re all a group now.. losers just multiply together like mutants

redveil 👾👾

streamerupdates

liked by hamzahthefantastic and 896,583 others

streamerupdates Famous twitch streamers @777.starlem & @matthemunch are currently streaming together via twitch with other streamers!

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lesbian4salem INSAAAAAAAANE

deftonesdagoats i love how salem and solana are cussing chris and matt tf out and raging 💀😭

clairebeard23 meanwhile hamzah, maya, nick, david, aeri and gio are streaming escape evil drake tycoon on roblox

deftonesdagoats @clairebeard23 insane group of ppl😭😭

rosemary_ am i the only one feeling like a third wheel

deezfrankinuts nah but fr and it’s like i’m used to solana and chris being all googoogaga but matt and salem??? fml

salemluvraeri y’all think that in the last 6 months since #THAT tweet they’ve been…. maybe perhaps??👀👀👀

aeriteenagedirtbag @salemluvaeri Honestly prob cause like sum fishy going on and it’s not ur pussy

scenebitch222 @aeriteenagedirtbag BRO??????

matthew.sturniolo

liked by sabrinacarpenter and 3,906,999 others

matthew.sturniolo One year with my vamp 🦇🩹

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777.starlem the sackboy to my domo 🧛🏻🫀🧛🏻‍♀️

matthew.sturniolo I love you sweetheart ❤️‍🩹

playboicartee999 ?????? SICKENING

777.starlem beat the radiohead no head allegations!!!

ethelcainsalem NO FUCKING WAY BRO JUST SAID THAT

peaches_heart3 never beating the loser allegations tho..

mothercain so is she a freak in nebraska?

777.starlem disappointed that you’re even asking this hayden.. like you KNOW that i am, freakys daughter and all 😒😒

pinkpantheress she really got you like ^_^ :3 >_<

matthew.sturniolo She has me going yahoo :3

semiz4llll 😭😭😭FUCK😭😭😭MY😭😭😭LIFE😭😭😭

vampluvr666 when loser pulls loser

sirjohn1738 gotta love this trope

sunnylevine moon x moon

ft.gioo proud of you gang

aerichandesu she’s still my girl btw..

777.starlem duh we’re already married 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

mattsbbgpook @matthew.sturniolo FIGHT BACK

nicolassturniolo 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♀️

christophersturniolo Can’t make fun of u for being the single one anymore 😞

rip.brockhampton the only reason we didn’t think they were dating was bc this mf kept making fun of him for not being cuffed wtf

money_420 @rip.brockhampton Naaaah i always knew mf was way too geeked this year 💀 bro has been all “🫠☺️🥰”

ariana_greenblatt don’t you dare hurt my sister 🤬

matthew.sturniolo 🫡🫡🫡

tylermycreator my greenblatts ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

solanaroan CONGRATS FUCKERS

brentfaiyassfied sicko🤣🤣

oasisza222 can’t believe that silly fucking tweet is what brought them together 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

kalicoochies3 fr fr

dijondress_ i’m soooo drunk @mayawinky

mayawinky @dijondress_ pass

[cricket-moth]

hmmm… and what if I have a little wizard of oz adjacent superbat au.. then what

(I’m gonna elaborate under the cut)

bruce has been in gotham for over 20 years because by the time he figured out how to get back to the regular/color world, he has more going for him in gotham than he did back home.

clark gets tornado’d into gotham, as one does, and goes on the classic dorothy adventure to meet the wizard of… gotham! 🦇

mmm no yellow sunlight in gotham so clark arrives with powers but become progressively weaker while bruce is trying not to fall in love with this dumbass and he has to choose between his city, which is literally sucking the life out of clark, or face going home for the first time in two decades with no promise of ever getting back

[twstfanblog]

*Lilia looking in the distance at a blob climbing a cliff*

🦇: Who's little dumbass kid...?

*The blob spits out green fire*

🦇: *Sprints to the cliff* Fuck- It's mine. It's my little dumbass kid.

[audr3yyyyy]

hiiiiii can i request a jake enemies to lovers fic? like reader is friends with tara and carrington but always “hated” jake for some reason, and he doesn’t like her either. i put “hated” in quotes bc they don’t actually hate each other, they just never got along and find each other annoying but you know… there’s always also been sexual tension. and it could start out really angsty but escalate into them having an argument that ends with them hooking up / realizing they’re attracted to each other. doesn’t have to be smut if u don’t want it to, idk you can really do whatever you want but ik ur rules said to be specific hehe :) IF YOU DO THIS ILL BE SO EXCITED WE NEED MORE JAKE CONTENT ON THIS APP I FEEL LIKE IM ONE OF THE MAIN JAKE WRITERS AND THERE NEEDS TO BE MOREEEE !!!!

- gray aka @sh4wty18 🦇

who's gonna get fucked first? (pt.1)

MDNI 18+ enemies to lovers, fem!reader, little angst, jake and reader being rude but they don't mean it, forced proximity, 'betting on a hookup' trope (super wattpad, ik leave me alone) secondary pov of carrington & jonhnnie is split up with the pink dividers !!!! *not proofread sry, it's late :3

maybe you were the biggest hypocrite alive. for months you've verbalized your severe disliking for jake ― a mutual "friend" of yours through carrington. heavy on the quotes.....you wouldn't exactly call him a friend. he made your blood boil sometimes and you weren't quiet about it. but to be fair, neither was he. you were certain he hated you just as much as you hated him. his little glares, scoffs, and insults were fucking constant. god, the amount of times you've threatened to run him over with his own tesla.....too may to count. he had this innate ability of knowing just how to get under your skin and it makes you to strangle him ― which you probably could, if only you could reach him. he was stupidly tall and you hated it. you hated his stupid long, muscular arms littered with dumb tattoos. his stupid black hair and how it looked all wet at the last pool party he threw. how easily he picked you up and tossed you into the water at said party, as if you weighed nothing. you were so mad when he did that, but he just laughed and pointed like a dumbass. what you hated the most, though, was how many little things you "hated" and how they seem to never leave your brain. you'd never tell anyone, but you've had dreams about him. they're never too long or detailed, but lewd nature of them is enough for you to wake up in a cold sweat, shaky and confused.

unfortunately, with sharing the same friend group and being around him constantly, you haven't really had time to figure this whole ordeal out. you'd planned to sweep it under the rug, continuing to hate him and the match the energy he gave you, but it seems as though carrington and johnnie have other plans for you two.

"i told you guys, i can go get the food. i don't mind." you practically beg them as carrington grabs his keys and johnnie slips his boots on.

carrington shakes his head, placing his hands on your shoulders and gently pushing you back to your seat on the couch next to jake. "no, no, no. nice try, you're not getting out of this." he cracks a satisfied grin at how closely you sit next to jake. "see! that wasn't hard, huh? you two don't always have to be trying to kill each other, you can get along and be happy! that's all we want!" carrington beams ecstatically, nudging johnnie to chime in.

johnnie jolts back from the force of carrington's nudge, "ow-but yeah he's right. and also i just want this whole bullshit to be over. it's honestly really annoying to have to break up your arguments all the time. and i don't like confrontation, it stresses me out."

"well, there wouldn't be any argument's if y/n wasn't always trying to pick a fight with me." jake quips, reaching forward for a redbull from the center table.

you immediately frown at his words, "i'm the one that picks fights? oh, that's fucking rich. you're the one always making me the butt of every joke and attacking every little thing that i do."

carrington steps in, interrupting jake before he can get a word out, "well, okay! we're gonna leave you guys to it. this is good a start, sort letting it all out ― i like it. we'll be back with the food and drinks in an hour or so, which means you have plenty of time to squash whatever this is, yeah?" he slowly steps back towards the front door, speaking calmly, as if the wrong tone will set you two off completely.

johnnie nods along, following carrington, "just please don't actually kill each other."

jake laughs a little at how genuinely scared johnnie is, "johnnie, we're not gonna kill each other, calm down. we're just gonna talk, like carrington said."

"yay, i can't wait." you deadpan, sarcastically.

"that's the spirit! i believe in you!" carrington cheers, swinging the door open and leaving alongside johnnie.

the minute the door shuts, the room falls dead silent. the air is thick and, for some reason, your heart starts to beat quicker. jake clears his throat and adjusts his position on the couch, facing you more now.

"if this is about throwing you into the pool, then-"

"yeah, that was a dick move..." you say flatly, avoiding his eyes and keeping them on what little space there was between you two. "i'm gonna have water in my ears till christmas...."

jake stifles a laugh, trying to keep his face neutral, "you were being a buzzkill, i had to lighten up the mood! the whole party you were hiding around and being weird. i thought maybe you just needed to loosen up." he shrugs, taking a swig of his drink.

"loosen up?" you squint your eyes at him, unhappy with his choice of wording.

"yeah, you heard him. sometimes....most of the time," he corrects himself, "you kind of have a stick up your ass."

your frown grows deeper and you scoff at him, "wow."

"what??? is that so wrong to say? it's fucking true! look, i don't know what or when, but i must of done something for you to always avoid me. and when you're not avoiding me, you're bitching about something. i don't get it!" jake's voice starts to rise, visibly becoming upset.

"okay, don't act like you haven't been shitty too. always picking on me and embarrassing me. you make me feel so fucking stupid all the time, jake, and it drives me crazy!" it was your turn to raise your voice, albeit a little uneven. your face started to feel hot and, suddenly, you were all too aware of the veins on his forearms as he scratched the back of his neck. wait....

"uh, maybe i should text jake to see how it's going." johnnie sighs in the passenger seat, digging for his phone from his pocket while carrington drives.

"dude, we're not even out of the neighborhood yet, no. give it time, i'm sure they're just fine." carrington says suggestively, trying to contain a smirk.

"why are you talking like that? you're scaring me." jonhnnie puts his phone back away.

"oh, c'mon. i thought it was super obvious." carrington's eyes flick between johnnie and the road, seeing if johnnie is understanding.

"what do you mean?"

carrington laughs at johnnie's oblivion, "jake and y/n want to fuck each other." he states bluntly.

"WHAT?" johnnie yells,"no they don't, they definitely don't. you've seen how they bicker, right? she threatened to run him over! remember that?"

"nah, it's textbook enemies to lovers, trust me. it's like the shit on tumblr with the sexual tension and stuff."

"jesus christ, do you even hear yourself right now? you sound insane. if they wanted to fuck each other so bad, then why are they so mean to each other?"

"because, dude, think about it. first of all, they both have huge egos and don't like to admit shit, even if it's true. second of all, they're, like, never alone just the two of them.....until now, of course."

johnnie puts his hands out in front of him for some kind of mental stability, "wait, wait, slow down....you planned this didn't you? is that why you ordered pizza from another fucking area code and didn't let y/n pick it up?"

"guilty." carrington admits, switching lanes.

"you scare me."

"hey! you said it yourself, the bullshit bickering is getting old. so, if this is what it takes to end it then, what's little time out of the house, huh?" carrington aggressively judges johnnie again.

"ow-okay, but what are the odds they actually hookup? like, if we're being realistic here. because, honestly, i don't think they're gonna."

carrington hums, checking the directions on his phone at the red light. he's quiet for a moment, clearly scheming, before the light turns green and finally speaks confidently,"wanna bet?"

sooooo smutty part 2 or what?

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lmk if u wanna be added !!!!

[gabessquishytum]

Human au: Hob is… confused. He and Dream have planned at least five dates by now, and every time Dream cancels at the last minute. Normally he’d assume that it was just Dream trying to get out of seeing him, but 1) Dream is the one who keeps asking him out and rescheduling again and again, 2) each time he cancels he seems so genuinely upset and apologetic, and 3) when they see each other in person, Dream is shit at hiding the stars in his eyes when he looks at Hob. So he is honestly baffled as to what is going on.

Finally, Death (who can’t handle seeing her little brother all teary eyed and distraught anymore), sends Hob a series of screenshots of conversations between herself and Dream. Turns out, Dream has been turning himself inside out trying to plan the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT DATE for Hob. If anything is even remotely wrong, he cancels. It’s never even anything catastrophic or major- he’s apparently canceled because the weather was a little colder than would have been ideal for their trip to the park, because there was construction happening next door to the restaurant he was going to take him, because he couldn’t find any peonies (Hob’s favorite) at any of the local flower shops (no shit, they were out of season), etc etc. 

Dream has been practically making himself sick because he’s so convinced that he NEEDS to give Hob the absolutely perfect date in order to “””win him over””” (as if Hob hasn’t already been in love with him for ages, the precious dumbass), plus Hob just deserved the very best. 

Hob finds it all very sweet, if not a little sad and ridiculous, so the next time they reschedule, he insists on being the one to plan the date. Dream tries to argue, but Hob silences him with their first kiss (Dream turns adorably pink). He explains that all he wants is to spend more time with him, and he wants Dream to be able to relax and enjoy their time together too. 

Granted, getting Dream to relax is a tall order, but they do finally go on that date, and Hob gives him enough kisses and cuddles to adequately distract him from any lingering anxieties 💕

-🦇

This is so incredibly cute. Dream being a perfectionist - very relatable, by the way - feels very much like him. He just wants it to be the most memorable, wonderful, extraordinary date that Hob has ever had. Dream is quite sure that he alone won't be enough to capture Hob’s attention, to make him stay - he simply isn't interesting or kind or beautiful enough. So he'll simply have to make up for his own shortcomings by taking Hob on the best date ever!

The truth is of course that Hob is arse over tit in love and would do absolutely anything for Dream. He'd be happy with a snuggle on the sofa with an old movie and some popcorn! Actually, a duvet date with Dream sounds pretty ideal, they'll definitely have to do that at some point.

For their first date (FINALLY) Hob drags Dream to a lil bookstore/cafe which has beanbag chairs perfect for cuddling in. He promises to buy Dream as many books as he wants, as long as he at least tries to stop overthinking for an hour or two. And it's not easy for Dream to do that, but the promise of books is enough to make him try.

They also kiss a lot behind the shelving. It's not a perfect date (it rains on the way home) but it's pretty damn near close, actually. And they have a lot of time to practice more dates in the future. Dream finds it surprisingly easy to see that Hob loves him, anyway. No matter what.