#dream knows all his love affairs end badly

[mefuwie]

dream who sees his relationship with the corinthian like some kind of angsty ust unrequited love situation and the corinthian who is so used to loving his king he thinks it’s obvious to everyone in the dreaming and outside of the kingdom as well

[lemon-boy-stan]

You flinch in an argument

Genshin men (Diluc, Kaeya, Tartaglia) and how they react when you flinch in an argument. TW: mentions of violence, reader has been treated badly in her past relationships.

DILUC

Diluc doesn’t get angry very often. At least, he does, but he never gets angry at you. He doesn’t know who has hurt you before, but he knows you tread lightly around him due to a past memory, a past feeling - maybe fear? And he often keeps this in mind, but today he’s just been so stressed and all his pent up anger just explodes.

How could you think he’d be the kind of man that cheats? How could you even imagine him in an affair? He’s tried his best to make sure that he’s the perfect husband. He wants to let you know he’s capable of love, of being a husband and a father. But today he’s tired, and when he sighs heavily and moves his hand towards his forehead, you squeak loudly and jump away from him.

Diluc’s heart shatters. He feels a sudden swerve of anger and protectiveness wash over him. Your normally happy and bright eyes are clouded with fear, and you look up at him, but the anger on his face is gone.

Diluc is a strong, stoic man, and you’ve only seen him cry three times, once when he was drunk. This time, his eyes fill with tears and you’re shocked. This is not the reaction you’re expecting from him - you were expecting a hand across your face, a bottle thrown at you. But instead, he flings his arms around you, sobbing loudly into your neck. You’re still so shocked that you cry too, softly into his hair (Diluc is fairly taller than you). “I’m sorry,” he sobs, nose running, “I didn’t mean to make you scared. I would never dream of hurting you, I love you so much.”

KAEYA

Kaeya is a yeller in arguments. While Diluc has many quips and thoughtfully curated hurtful comments, Kaeya screams. The rare times you fight, he is always shrill, and always uses hand gestures, which can be a bit of an issue at times.

“I can’t believe you’d think I’d ever be interested in her!” if he was a cartoon character, there would be steam blowing from his ears. His blue eyes have become incredibly dark. He throws his arms up in the air and you flinch away from him. Kaeya freezes.

He drops his hands, face softening. Kaeya cries more than his older brother, and the tears roll down his cheeks, but his eyes are filled with rage, a different kind of anger from earlier.

You run up to hug him and he growls into you, “his name. Now.” you shake your head into him. You already know what’s running through his brain, you can practically see the red he’s seeing. He can barely breathe as he holds you tight, the rage is ricocheting off his body. “Please,” he mumbles, “please tell me his name. I’ll fucking kill him.”

CHILDE

He’s a member of the Fatui, so Childe must often appear scary and heartless, but in private and with his friends, he’s funny, kind, and caring - except for when he loses his temper. Ajax rarely loses his temper over proper things, and when he loses his temper for silly things, it always ends with rough sex, but you’ve never seen him lose his temper like this. Tartaglia is the perfect boyfriend, almost as if not being perfect is one of his insecurities. He knows you’ve been hurt in your past. He doesn’t know what happened, or who hurt you or when, but he knows that that’s why you’re always so quiet around other men, even him sometimes. It was just today where he let his anger get the better of him.

“I said not to come!” he’s screaming the words, “I said they were dangerous but you NEVER KNOW HOW TO LISTEN! What would happen if I didn’t know any of the Harbingers? Didn’t you see the way they were looking at you?!” Childe throws his arms up in the air and you jump away from him, backing into the wall and his eyes flash dangerously. He knows immediately why you’ve flinched and suddenly his anger at you is gone, instead focusing on whichever man touched you.

“His name,” he’s breathing through his nose, “now. Tell me his name, now.” the name of your ex stumbles out of your mouth and he cries out in rage, punching a wall. Tears stream down his face, and his pretty, amber orange hair is messy. You’ve only seen Tartaglia cry when he’s had nightmares or when he’s frustrated, but never because of you. You suddenly feel guilty for burdening him, “I’m sorry,” your lip trembling, and he sniffles, wrapping his arms around you, “you have nothing to apologize for.” you’d thought the hug would last longer, but it didn’t. He pulls away and you blink up at him. “Where are you going?” and the danger returns to his face, “to kill your ex.”

GENSHIN IMPACT MASTERLIST

NAVIGATION

[lila-lou]

✨ His only exception - Pt. 4/? ✨

Summary: 12 months ago, Butcher went above and beyond to have you join his team. You had a simple office job at Supe Affairs. The same thing every day, working from 9 to 5 and watching Butcher and his team defeat one renegade after another. One evening, however, something changed.

Pairing: Soldier Boy x Reader

Warnings: Language, sorta prostitution, kinda dirty, violence

Word Count: 1834

A/N: This is part 4 of “His only exeption”.

English isn’t my first language, so please be lenient. 💙✨

After another agonizing silence, you turned on the radio. But even Bob Seger couldn't lift the mood with his night moves. You groaned in despair and let your head fall against the window. Soldier Boy watched you out of the corner of his eye for a while before he patted your thigh and got over himself. “C´mon (y/n)! Don't be a grumpy little bitch", he tried his best to sound relaxed and cool but you just turned to him with your eyebrows raised. "Are you kidding? You broke my damn wrist!”. Your voice was filled with amazement and anger.

“Uh-uh! A bit more than sprained. Not quiet broken. There’s a difference”, he raised his index finger for emphasis, moving his gaze back and forth between you and the street.

“Ben!-”. “I fucking apologized, didn’t I?! It was… not intentional and certainly not planned… Who would have thought that you-". This time you interrupted him. “That I what? That I don't suddenly take off my panties for you? Ben! I thought we were friends?”. Your voice cracked slightly towards the end.

“I don’t have any friends,” was all he replied.

“Well, thanks for the clarification!”, you bit back. “How the fuck am I now the bad guy again?! I apologized! I'm trying to do the fucking right thing here and you're making it fucking hard for me not to kick you out the damn Car!". Ben was really trying to understand you, but he was new to this. It was new to him, not being adored and worshipped.

“Are you really listening to yourself, Ben? I'm probably the only person on this damn planet who cares about you. And you…why did you have to ruin that?”. This time even he could hear the disappointment in your voice. Still, he didn't know how to make amends for what he had done. “(y/n) I-”. Ben rubbed his beard and looked at you discouraged. “Why did you think I would… let you sleep with me?", you looked at him and felt the heat rising to your cheeks. "Shit, you can barely say it without blushing". Despite the depressed mood, Ben couldn't help but chuckle a little about that fact.

Another silence followed.

“You’re fucking hot (y/n), okay? And I'm horny. Since Russia it feels like I`m horny 24/7. And you doll can’t deny that it would be handy for you to let off some steam too”.

Ben’s eyes found yours. He wasn't lying, but you knew he was hiding something from you.

No matter how long your dry spell had lasted and no matter what Ben would say or do, you could never confess to him that you had been attracted to him from day one. Those words would never pass your lips. Towards no one. Ben was pretty “nice” to you, well at least by his standards. And even though you got along pretty well, it could never be anything more than friendship. Soldier Boy just wasn't a good person. He was incapable of showing emotion, let alone loving anyone but himself. So why should you get involved with him? And even though you had dreamed countless times about him giving you pleasure, fucking you stupid and giving you orgasms like no one else could, you had your principles. No sex without feelings.

“Flattering, but no”, you said, trying to be gentle.

"Why not? A shitload of women would fucking pay for that, do you realize that?”, he replied, stunned. “Okay, listen", you turned to him in the passenger seat and fixed him with your gaze. “Why do you want to sleep with me so badly? Why me? If there are so many women who would do anything to have you fuck ´em unconscious, why clinging to me? Tell me what makes me different? and… well, if I like the reason, maybe I'll think about it". You obviously upset Ben with your words. You could see all the wheels in his brain turning and even after a few minutes he didn't have an answer to your question.

"I thought so. We’re here”, you sighed, getting out of the car. “Give me 5 minutes head start”, you added before slamming the car door and walking with fast steps across the large parking lot. “Day drinking and prostitution, here I come,” you grumble to yourself.

What Butcher had told you, went absolutely against your morals, but you had felt beyond useless for the last few weeks, which was why you finally wanted to prove to yourself that you were useful for more than just tracking down Supes. Although you couldn't imagine anyone more disgusting to set an example than the Deep.

When you entered the bar, the first thing that hit you, was the smell of marijuana and cheap perfume. Even though it appeared to be an upscale local, the owners didn't seem to have much to offer their employees. You looked around and saw half naked girls dancing on poles, fat old men on the sofas in front of them with drool running down the corners of their mouths and in the middle of it all, the Deep. “You got this”, you motivated yourself before taking off your coat, placing it over a bar stool and smoothing down your too-tight and short dress. With a smooth movement of your hand, you threw back your laboriously curled hair and walked past your target's lounge with confident and elegant steps. “Three, two, one-”, you whispered as you felt a hand on your forearm.

“Hey beautiful, where are you going with those beautiful legs of yours?". Oh, how you wished you could have rolled your eyes. Instead, you spun on your heels to find the Deep leaning back into the sofa, letting go of your arm. “Don’t you want to join me?”, he grinned at you. Unfortunately, putting on a show and playing ´hard to get´ didn’t work for him because his brain cells weren’t up to it. “Oh shit, you’re the Deep, aren’t you?”, you feign surprise, holding a hand over your bright red lips. “That’s exactly what it looks like, baby. Come here, come to me”, he didn't pat the sofa, but rather his lap.

After a few minutes of small talk you could finally see Ben from a distance, but he first looked at all the dancing ladies. You tried several times to get his attention but to no avail. He was only a few steps into the bar and two girls were already grinding on him. And Ben being Ben, he wasted no time and starting with cupping their asses. One of the two pushed him onto a bar stool while the other started giving him a lap dance, wearing nothing but a lace thong.

“So baby, don’t you want to show me a little bit of yourself?”. Kevin’s right hand stroked your thigh under your dress while you lay in his left arm. He pushed you further into the sofa, his hand squeezing your ass and making you gasp. In order not to completely give up control, you pushed against his chest with all your strength and quickly slipped onto his lap. With your legs on either side of his thighs, your dress rode up. Anyone walking behind you would have been able to see your bare butt if Kevin hadn't immediately covered it up with both hands. "Hmm… You want to be in charge, don't you?". You could already feel his erection against your thigh, which only disgusted you more. “How about we dance first?”, you grinned at him, hoping to buy some time. “No, no, no, but you can sure dance for me, baby”, the Deep replied with a big ass smirk. You took Kevin's glass and drank it in one gulp before slipping off his lap and taking a few steps back. Your heart began to beat like crazy, but you gathered all your courage, ignored the lustful looks from the other guests and Kevin and started moving your hips slowly to the beat of the music.

That was also the moment when Ben finally noticed you. He sipped his whiskey, licked his lips, and watched you from his spot at the bar. He ignored the two women who were still dancing for him. His attention was solely on you. "Uhh, someone's getting really hard", the blonde moaned in his ear while her colleague stroked up and down Ben's upper arm. While your eyes were on Kevin, Ben was looking at his crotch. “Shit”, he growled, pushing both women away with a jerk.

Meanwhile, Kevin didn't hesitate anymore, grabbing you by the hips and pulling you onto his lap with a strong tug before grabbing your face and pressing his lips to yours, which was absolutely not the plan. You should only distract the Deep long enough for Ben to put something in his drink at the bar.

When Ben saw the Deep stick his tongue down your throat, anger overwhelmed him. Within seconds, he ripped you away, pushed you onto the sofa and grabbed the Deep by the collar of his supe suit. Kevin didn't know what was going on and could hardly say a word. “Ben! What are you doing?", you shouted at him as all the other customers stormed out of the bar one by one. “This son of a bitch is fucking disgusting. A worthless piece of shit. I should rip his head off here and now”, Ben hissed.

“Ben, stick to the damn plan”, you admonished him, slowly lifting yourself up. Ben's eyes darkened with anger.

“You better listen to your little friend”, Kevin gasped, trying to save his own dear life.

"You'd better keep your damn mouth shut, fuckface". Ben let go for a split second before sticking his large hand through Kevin's supe suit into his gills, lifting him up and shushing him.

“Ben! we can't kill him! Ben… Please.” While the Deep was panting in pain, Ben finally looked at you.

"You're going to let that fucker rub his cock on you, but make a fucking scene when I kiss you?!".

In the middle of his sentence, Ben's mood changed from angry to stunned to angry again.

Very angry.

Ben's suit-covered chest began to glow and his hand relaxed, which Deep used to escape. “Shit, shit, shit!”, you gasped. “Ben, stop!”, you tried to calm him down, but to no avail. Knowing that you had absolutely no chance of getting out of here alive if you stayed, you ran towards the exit as fast as you could. You ran for your life. Seconds later you heard a loud bang and everything around you went dark.

———————————

A/N: Please let me know what you think.🥰

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Part 5

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Taglist: @deangirl96, @thatgirljayy

[httpjupiterbby]

Swanqueen fanfics recommendations:

note: ngl i’ve been wanting for someone to ask me this. also all the recs are multi chapters… don’t get me started on how many one shots i saved or how many are in this post 😅

Every secret it keeps - Two years into emma and regina's loving marriage, emma discovers that she's somehow, impossibly, pregnant. Unfortunately, no one in this family is naive enough to believe that true love can make babies, and the swan-mills family is thrown headlong into a situation that will strain at the seams of their family– or tear them apart completely.

Dusk til dawn - what happens when the evil queen returns to a post-swan queen storybrooke? How will regina and emma's former relationship affect her pursuit of a happy ending with the savior? (warning: elements of mommy kink, ageplay/regression, and a bit of everything in between; even if you’re not into that, i would still give this one a read! it’s so good and super cute! .)

Storybrooke scandal - Regina Mills and Emma Swan have a long lasting sexual relationship with each other, but they got married along the way, however not to each other. Behind closed doors their relationship still continues, but what will happen when their respective husbands find out about their secret relationship and what will such a scandal do in the small town of storybrooke?

Making exceptions - No magic. Multi-chap. College AU: Emma Swan is a culinary arts student. Regina Mills is her English teacher.

Whispers in the night - AU: Emma's plagued by grief over the loss of her best friend. She joins a support group and meets Regina Mills. They share their heartbreaking stories and come out as friends. Can they find a way to become more than that?

Nine months to love - Regina overhears that Emma is pregnant. As the months pass, she is frequently at Emma’s place, and Emma at hers. Emma and Regina grow emotionally closer as the pregnancy goes through ups and downs. 10 chapters.

Project wingman - Regina has a secret admirer. Unknown to her, this mystery person has been standing right before her eyes all along.

We'll always have hope - “Are you saying I seduced you? “Regina frowned. “If I remember correctly, it was you that pinned me against the bed. It was you who kissed me. It was also you that pulled my panties down using your-“ Emma had messed up. She had messed up badly. There was no way she could choose between her best friend that she had been in love with for years and her husband who she just kind of tolerated. After their impromptu trip for their son's graduation, A few positive pregnancy tests changes Emma’s life forever and makes the decision for her.

Could you escort the maid? - Emma Swan is a 28 yr old aspiring writer who happens to be a professional escort. On a night out with a client Emma obtains a chance to save for her dreams when she is hired by a respected rich couple Robin and his wife Regina as their new maid.What happens when Emma soon realizes their marriage isn't as it seems and what will Robin do when he sees that she is falling for his wife

Darkness Falls - The story of how Emma and Regina discover they share true love is a rocky one. Snow White interferes stripping Emma and Henry of their will and Regina is on the run from a town that has turned on her. With few allies, how will the Queen restore her family and what will be the fall out of Snow's magical manipulations?

Bridges of storybrooke county - Based on the plot of the movie/novel 'The Bridges of Madison County'. Regina is a married and unsatisfied housewife living on an Iowa farm, Emma is a globetrotting photojournalist. Their fateful meeting begins a love affair neither of them is ready for. (And if you want to know whether Francesca gets out of the damn truck this time? You'll have to read the whole story.)

The choices we make - Would you give up the love of your life in name of a dream? Emma Swan and Ruby Lucas have a hard decision ahead and this will change their lives completely, and everyone around them.

What we could of had - Emma breaks up with her high school sweetheart, Regina out of the blue.Ten years later, Regina gets a visit by two adorable kids claiming to be hers.

Someone will remember us - On day one of her junior year at Boston College, Emma makes a fool out of herself in front of the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen. She tries not to dwell on it, though – after all, it’s not like the woman is going to end up teaching one of her classes.

A date with destiny - Regina Mills is a 35 year old, rich business woman who is also a virgin. Emma Swan is a 28 year old friend and roommate of fellow business man Robin Locksley and works for Killian Jones. Regina's assistant is tired off suffering from the backlash of her boss's stress and decides to set her up on a blind date with Robin but he can't show and so sends Emma instead.

Circumstance - Emma is an owner of a renowned Fitness Club called Swan Fitness and is also a grad student seeking a Master's in Counseling. Regina is one of Emma's professors and soon to be a member of her club. Will they allow their circumstance to prevent their feelings from evolving? Or will they fight to have their chance at their happy-ending? (TW!!!!)

Indecent Proposal - Emma Swan, a single mother, struggling to pay for her son's medical visits along as his medication, gets more than she bargains for when she meets Regina Mills. New York's bachelorette billionaire who offers her the solution to all her money problems: 2 million dollars and a signed contract stating her companionship for an entire year. One year, where anything could come into play.

Miss Swan goes to storybrooke - Regina Mills is running an underdog mayoral campaign when her hapless partner in crime, Neal Cassidy Gold, hires his new girlfriend to be a part of it. It's hate at first sight. Emma Swan is infuriatingly attractive, infuriatingly competent, and– most infuriatingly– will absolutely bring down their entire campaign if Regina doesn't get rid of her first.

Hi, i'm calling to answer your craigslist ad - Emma, Just like every 18-year-old foster kid, just aged out of the system. With nowhere to go, Emma searches Craigslist's Ads in hopes that she may find a job. While Browsing the "live-in housekeeper" section Emma comes across a post titled: "Seeking Live-in Pet/housekeeper". Starts off as OutlawQueen, ends with SwanQueen.

Chronicles of eris - After bringing back Marian from the past, Emma is left to deal with the consequences and repercussions of that decision. Two months of silent treatment from Regina is enough to push Emma completely over the edge. Together she and Ruby jump into a portal to the Enchanted Forest in order to figure out where they belong in the world.

To woo the queen - Emma Swan finally confesses her love for Regina Mills but as soon as she does, Regina pulls away. If it was just a casual fling Emma wanted, Regina thought she could have done with just that, but an admission of love and feelings scares Regina. Will Emma be able to woo her lady love and change her mind?

Bridges - Emma Swan has always run from everything and everyone; make no connections and no one can hurt you. But one night, something stops her from running. She meets Regina standing at the edge of a bridge, and everything changes. Major TW for suicide, depression, rape/non-con, abortion, child abuse, baby conceived by rape

The Girlfriend Experience - Emma Swan is a successful soccer star who was born with a dick. Regina Mills is the escort she hires to give her the 'Girlfriend Experience' but it turns into more. Little does Emma know, Regina is actually a victim of Mr Gold's sex slavery trade. What will they have to risk to be together? Smutty G!P! (last time i read this, it was still getting updated..)

What have you done - Regina is not speaking to Emma over Marian's sudden appearance. Emma decides she's had enough. Set at the end of Season 3, before things got "frozen." The beginnings of Swan Queen. So what started out as a simple one-shot, expanded and will continue for four chapters.

Lawyer vs. love - Regina Mills is a hard-ass lawyer from New York. Her life is nothing more than work until one day she meets Emma Swan, a barista with a troubled past. But, when a jealous ex comes to town, everything seems compromised and when Emma is sent away she asks Regina to do something that seems impossible.

A moment of truth - After Emma and Regina finally confess their feelings for each other, the dam breaks. This is the story of discovering their love for each and realizing that it had been there all along. This story is low on the angst but high on the feels and does contain plenty of magical sex.

Safe in the arms of love - Storybrooke AU. After an attack, Regina is forced to confront a past she spent her life burying. Can Emma help her find her way back before the darkness threatens to consume her? SQ ending. Trigger Warnings: Rape, assault, child abuse, violence, sexual content, stalkin

Group therapy - Emma Swan meets Regina Mills in group therapy. Contains potentially triggering content such as self-harm, drug use, and discussion of eating disorders. SwanQueen.

One touch - Emma is in therapy, and Regina Mills is her therapist. Eventually SwanQueen. Warning: this story contains mature themes that may be triggering to some individuals. Please read with caution !!!!!!!

In sickness and in health - As if being in an accident wasn't enough, now she's being told she's forgotten the last 3 years of her life? And in those 3 years, she got married...to her? Just great.

Bait and switch - Henry Mills is sick and tired of his mother’s skating around the truth and not realizing that they are perfect for each other and that they belong together. So he has a plan to bring them together and convinces his grandmother to help.

Broken together - After experiencing a great loss, Emma leans on Regina for support. Can she get through this with the help of Regina and Henry? (TW!!!!) (will squeeze the fuck out of your heart)

One more try - Emma and Regina are having relationship issues. (this will eat your heart out!)

Reservation for ms. mills - Senior Henry Mills tries to set up his daughter Regina and Emma because he thinks they'll be perfect for each other. One way or another. (major romcom vibes !!)

Out - Regina breaks up with Robin after returning from the NY road trip. She begins to question her sexuality and decides to test the waters with a familiar face in town. Emma’s jealously rages and Killian is confused. Some Red Queen. Mostly Swan Queen.

Lost time - Emma gets accidentally sucked into a portal to a realm where time works a little differently and when she comes back she's got a little surprise with her. (crazy shit. read it.)

Love undefined - It’s been eight years since the last time Regina and Emma saw each other, eight years since Emma lost part of her happiness, her family, and everything fell apart. But she hasn’t forgotten those three years in New York, or any of what Regina had brought into her life. And if she can be honest with herself, she might even admit that she wants it back.

What’s wrong with emma swan? - Since Emma's return from the Underworld she is a shadow of her former self. Snow seeks Regina's help to get to the bottom of what's wrong with Emma. When Regina discovers the truth their lives are destined to change forever. An unexplained pregnancy and their evolving relationship leads to a future that neither of them saw coming.

A million tiny little things - emma swan doesn’t seem like the kind of person you’d leave in charge of your kids, but somehow she’s landed the job of nannying the mayor’s son. no matter her rebellious streak, she’s more than a little concerned that she’s breaking the cardinal rule of nannydom: do not, do not, start sleeping with your employer. swan queen romcom au.

The staircase - Regina could still smell her cologne and feel the cheap pleather pressing into her back. The brunette sucked in a breath. She was still lying on the floor at the staircase's base and she stared back up at it. Everything was different now. Changed. She felt broken by what had just happened, appalled and enraged, dirty. (TW!!!! very very fucking dark. probably the first dark fic i’ve ever read)

Villains don’t get happy endings - It had been her sacrifice—the price she had to pay. Save everyone she had cursed for 28 years while simultaneously losing the one person she loved the most. Villains, after all, didn't get a Happy Ending. That was reserved for Princesses and Saviors. A 'what if' story where it's Regina, not Hook, who visits Emma in NYC at the beginning of 3B.

Miles to go - Everyone has their own story, this one is theirs and it paints the picture of a love story that spans over two decades, with all the ups and downs and everything else in between. (so fucking amazing!!)

Little match girl - Emergency circumstances lead Emma to move in with Regina and Henry, and the unexpected attraction between the two women stresses their current relationships. At the same time, someone is targeting Storybrooke's children with deadly consequences. (TW!)

The story - Takes place after 3x22. After everything they've been through... After everything that was said between them Robin leaves Regina for Marian and Emma is there to pick up the pieces. Swan Queen Angst and Romance

Oops - Emma and Regina get together at the mansion after they break up with Hook and Robin. Obviously, they get drunk and well...things happen. After one night of pure passion what will happen between the mayor and the sheriff when that night changes their lives, and their relationship, forever.

Skinny love - What are you going on about?" Regina swallowed harshly, really looking at the only person she has been able to bare her soul to. "You don't want me anymore because you found somebody else. Somebody better." Emma looked blankly at Regina. (a-fucking-mazing)

Memento Mori - Regina rejects Emma to stay with Robin after they've slept together. Emma winds up pregnant and tries to win the Mayor back. When the pregnancy is revealed, Snowing forces Emma to Underworld to save who they believe is the baby's father. The Underworld could prove fatal for Emma and her baby. Will they survive or will Regina lose her chance at having true love forever? (the fucking best- i’ve been looking for this..)

Crazy changes - A chance encounter in a bar changes Emma Swan's life forever. One of those changes is the arrival of Regina Mills in her small town. But there's more to the newcomer than meets the eye and when Emma finds out the truth behind a family feud, she must re-evaluate everything she thought she knew.

For endings are where we begin - Regina Mills is your average working mom - she spends long hours at her bakery, loves her son Henry with all that she is, and can touch dead things and bring them back to life. Emma Swan is an orphan, an ex-convict, and a bailbondsperson residing in Massachusetts. She is also currently dead. This is the story of how they meet. [a Pushing Daisies AU]

Forget me not - Tired of feeling heartbroken after Robin's death, Regina takes a Forgetting Potion to eradicate all memories of her True Love. However, things don't go to plan as she can still remember Robin, but has no idea who the blonde sheriff, who goes by the name of 'Emma Swan', is.

Direct and linear relationships - Emma Swan is a barely 17 year old senior. She just has to worry about getting through the year, but a new Physics teacher might make her last year in high school much more interesting.

A single kiss - Emma is only a teenager when she falls madly and irrevocably in love with Regina Mills. She is convinced that Regina is "The One" for her, but it's a love that cannot be. At least not at the time. When Emma returns home years later will they finally find love and a happy ending?

Flu love’s kiss - Magic returns to Storybrooke bringing back magical illnesses as well. 'Love Flu' is going around and it's catching. Swan Queen.

Temporary Distractions - It's been a month and Regina won't speak to her, until she does and Emma is left pretending to be in a relationship with her so that Regina can get through a dinner invitation with her pride intact.

Not going anywhere - Emma’s life was finally starting to come together. She has her parents. Her bond with her son growing. Regina’s walls have slowly started to fall, their friendship blossoming. This doesn't settle well with a select few townspeople that believe there is no hope for The Evil Queen, so they kidnap Emma. They will make her see things their way at any cost. Emma is found beaten and left for dead with no memory of who she is. The ones that took her still at large, Emma is left in the care of the only one who can truly protect her and the only person she allows near her. (tw!)

Reckless abandon - After Regina and Emma spend a night together, Emma is left to deal with the fall out, and a life-altering event, all alone as Regina changes her mind and decides Emma is not what she wants, after all. Will Regina realize what she's done before it's too late? Angst and Swan Queen. (the fucking best!!!!!!)

Casual sex - Emma and Regina begin to have nothing but casual sex diving head on into a friends with benefits, well more so enemies with benefits what will happen when one or both begin to start actually feeling something for each other.

Lattes & lace - Regina's a successful, focused businesswoman running a burgeoning lingerie line that is just starting to gain international attention. Until one winter, an irritating woman opens up a coffee shop next to her studio... and generates constant distractions. But not all of the distractions are a complete disaster. Only few.

Take a chance on me - As Emma recovers at the mansion from an encounter with Storybooke's latest threat, nightmares start to plague her from the trauma she suffered as a child. As Regina comforts her, the women grow ever closer. When Regina is attacked, Emma vows to do everything she can to protect the now terrified and vulnerable mayor.

Teacher’s pet - Emma Swan is starting her senior year this year and she's got a pretty easy schedule. But as her friends tell her about the Creative Writing teacher and how no one has passed her class with an A, what will she do? And who exactly is this 'bitch' as they claim her to be? Swan Queen-Student/Teacher AU

The reason why - Emma Swan never stopped wondering why she left without a word, not even a goodbye. She was used to being left behind and abandoned but when Miss Mills her favorite teacher/mentor of three years disappeared without explanation it still stung. Now over ten years later and a chance run in she might finally find out the reason why.

The crush teacher - Emma Swan's life was easy. She was constantly hanging out with her friends and was dating the most beautiful boys at school. But everything changes when a new teacher starts teaching her at school. Feelings and sensations that Emma had never felt before begin to appear.

A fortunate mistake - After Emma and Regina share a night of passion and a morning of misunderstandings sprinkled with some amnesia, Emma ends up getting married to Hook. But when Emma realizes she’s pregnant, their worlds get turned upside down. With Regina’s unwavering support and Emma slowly piecing her memories together, will their love prevail?

I’ll be home for christmas (with my fake girlfriend) - When her girlfriend dumps her the week before Christmas, Regina Mills needs a date to placate her mother’s insistent badgering. Emma Swan, who’s never really spent Christmas with an actual family, steps up to the plate. Throw in a very pregnant woman, her two children, and a Christmas Eve party? Emma and Regina experience a Christmas weekend they won’t soon forget.

You again - Emma and Regina have known each other since they were kids, and it's amazing how they just can't stand each other.

Has anybody ever told you - After a night on the tequila Emma Swan drunkenly causes mayhem in Granny’s leading to a few home truths for our Madame Mayor.

The rain came pouring down - Emma and Regina have spent the past year working on Operation Mongoose. Emma has fallen in love with Regina and is sure Regina loves her back... until a surprise shows up from the recent past.

A date to remember - AU. Regina is a very successful architect who runs her own company in NYC. She has no time nor need for love. Although, to spice things a little, she allows herself to indulge in a date per person, in order to get some action – no strings attached. Would she change her own rules after meeting a beautiful blonde? Swan Queen (No!Magic)

A month and a half of wednesdays - 40 weeks is ten months not nine... They have it all wrong.Emma spends every Wednesday night at the mills Manor, and has made a little discovery after one wild Wonderful Day with The Mayor.

Waking up - Emma wakes up in the hospital with no memory of her life in Storybrooke with her family. When she sees Regina, though, she suddenly feels a connection between the two of them and feels like she knows her. But how?

Always & forever - Regina Mills is a 34 year old widow who lost her husband Daniel just 4 years after they married. Not only has she lost Daniel but she's lost her 4 year old son as well; Henry. Before their sudden deaths she saw herself as the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. Now that the two people that she's loved most are gone she's afraid that whoever she ends up meeting next will vanish from her life forever. Now to avoid that pain again she's completely shut everything and everyone around her out. Family included.

Pixie dust never lies - A revealed secret, a broken heart, and a stormy night lead Regina and Emma on a path of self-discovery. In the end, they will have to make a choice that will shape their lives forever.

A new perspective - Regina disowns her mother and moves to London. Cora takes Emma under her wing and cultivates a business and a personal relationship. Regina and Emma meet after Cora's death and the fireworks start!! Slow burn SwanQueen and SwanQueen Family. Don't worry, dears, our ladies are alive and kicking through the entire story!!

There goes the neighborhood - SQ AU: Emma Swan has recently relocated to a neighborhood just outside of Quantico, VA after the death of her husband (Neal). She and her twin adopted daughters are just trying to find happiness again. Meanwhile, her new neighbors Robin & Regina Mills have a less than happy household. The women clash from the start, but through a marital betrayal the two women begin to see each other in a whole new light.

Stolen darkness - What started with a dream had revealed to Emma who she really was, upon the confessions of the Charmings' past sins, Emma embarks on a journey of self discovery. Dark Swan, Maleficent, and Swanqueen.

Mirror, mirror. - Emma is working her side-job as a mover when she finds the mirror, shattered in the back of a wardrobe. She takes it home, drawn to it for some reason. Regina finds the mirror in the back of her mother's old wardrobe. It was once broken and put away in a time of duress. Yet the mirror she is holding looks as good as new. When Regina speaks into the mirror one night, Emma answers.

Shadow Haven - Emma Swan is a PR agent who is sent on a holiday by her boss. Regina Mills is the owner of a private island named Shadow Haven. There is more to Regina than initially meets the eye. Swan Queen romance / BDSM story.

Feather of a swan - Emma Swan also ended up cursed in Hyperion Heights. With absolutely no memories of Storybrooke, she gets by working as a bounty hounter. After a particular long day, she just longs for a drink, and goes into Roni's Bar to get just that. But after she meets the bartender, nothing wil be the same again.

In it together - After both Hook and Robin are killed (and Hook doesn't come back in my story!), Emma and Regina grow closer. At first it's about getting each other through the grieving process, but eventually it turns into a much deeper connection.

—-

authors:

@ hunnyfresh | ao3

@ devje | ao3

@LZClotho (LZielinsky) | ao3

@LunaCeMore | ao3

@ClashofShips | ao3

@Z_OTAKU19 | ao3

@ starsthatburn | ao3

@ emmasyellowbug | ao3

@JuiceCup | ao3

@AshKnight | ao3

@Ash M. Knight | fanfic.net

@IShipLOVE | fanfic.net

@ angstbot | ao3

@rhysMerilot | ao3

@XSerendipity92X | fanfic.net

@AnotherEvilRegal | fanfic.net

@Nasty Nikolo | fanfic.net

@Gravity In the Air | fanfic.net

@PlayfulMay | ao3

@LittleSwanLover | ao3

@AOBZ | ao3

[tossawary]

One of my favorite Discworld books is actually one of the more obscure ones, "Moving Pictures", which is about the invention of films and the movie business in this fantasy world that has dwarves and trolls and wizards and so on. It has its rough patches like every early Discworld book, but Ginger's speech about people who were born in the wrong time or wrong place for their dreams really gets to me in a good way, and I love all of the references to classic films and commentary on fame and creativity. It also has classic characters like Gaspode the Talking Dog and C.M.O.T. Dibbler, and it introduces Detritus's romance with another troll named Ruby.

Perhaps most importantly to me is that this book introduces Ponder Stibbons, who is a wizard, and who goes on in later books to be one of the most important members of the Unseen University (he holds like twelve different positions), in that he's one of the few people who can competently manage a project and so ends up managing nearly everything. (Bear with me, it's been a while since I read any Discworld and my memory is a little rough.) In "Moving Pictures", Ponder is the classmate (roommate?) of a fellow named Victor Tugelbend, who is one of the main characters.

Victor begins the book as a career student, in that a wealthy relative left him a great deal of money exclusively for school; so as long as he STAYS in school, all of his living expenses are paid for. If Victor graduates, that's the end of the money. If Victor drops out, that's the end of the money. But if Victor manages to hit a specific mark range in the 80s every year, then he gets to stay on for another year and try again, and so Victor is perhaps the most dedicated and knowledgeable wizardry student in the university's history, because you have to know what the right answer is in order to intentionally get a certain number of the questions wrong, so that you can continue to coast along on your college fund.

Ponder's graduation is (accidentally) Victor's fault, because Victor runs away to get into the movie business. (I won't spoil what happens, but it's VERY funny.) Now, I like to imagine after the events of the book, after Ponder holds a faculty position in the university, Victor comes BACK to the university occasionally as a disgustingly well-paid external consultant, which drives Ponder UP THE FUCKING WALL. Like, people are so stingy all of the time but SOMEHOW the university budget has room to bring your offensively handsome dropout roommate back just to say, "Hmm, yes, that looks bad. Have you tried turning it off and on again?" I'd throw a fit, honestly. (As soon as Ponder has enough seniority, he probably puts his foot down to stop this if Victor isn't actually useful. Maybe he is, idk, but maybe not for THAT consulting fee.)

I also like to imagine that Victor Tugelbend and Theda "Ginger" Withel are still together, maybe even still acting (badly? mediocre-ly? decently?) together, in some dingy little theatre (Ginger is the director and runs their acting troupe like a tyrant) where the front seats are regularly filled with middle-aged folks who still sigh over the memories of moving pictures. (Moving pictures are now, presumably, VERY illegal in Ankh Morpork.) Victor and Ginger have only because even more attractive as they've gotten older, which is EVEN MORE OFFENSIVE to poor Ponder because his former movie star former roommate is married to another gorgeous former movie star?! I'd throw another fit.

Anyway, I think Ponder deserves to have an affair with a pair of aging former movie stars. I like to imagine this purely because I think it's funny. He seems kind of busy for marriage, so joining someone else's marriage part-time might be good for him. It probably makes most of the rest of the Unseen University faculty breathlessly envious and that really does it for him.

And I think that this affair would OF COURSE be covered by every newspaper and tabloid in the city, including The Times, and William de Worde and Sacharissa Cripslock don't fully understand why their entertainment reporter is so breathlessly excited about people who were famous over a decade ago? (Supermarket tabloids love to tell me about alleged affairs of people who were famous 20+ years ago.) The article on Victor Maraschino and Delores De Syn's failing marriage* is their bestselling newspaper in months and William puts his head down on his desk in despair. (He's fine. This happens on a weekly at least basis. He just needs a minute.)

*Victor and Ginger are very happy with this situation, actually. They're going to take Ponder to dinner to go on a double date with Ruby and Detritus soon. Victor and Ponder are going to get distracted arguing about some of the Inadvisably Applied Magic research projects, but that's fine, because Ginger wants to talk to Ruby about this one-troll-woman-show concept. (Detritus will proudly hand out tickets at the Watch station and accidentally intimidate all of his coworkers into accepting the invitation.)

[alipeeps]

Oh my goodness, now that we've seen how it ends, the fucking parallels/contrasts between Ran Yi in episode 5 and Zhao Yuanzhou...

Ran Yi says to Zhao Yuanzhou in episode 5:

"I'm a sinful man. I don't know how to face all the promises I made. I just hope she can consider it a dream. The road is muddy in the dream. She'll see the light after she wakes up. The world is desolate. Take care."

Zhao Yuanzhou understands all too well facing up to your past actions/promises. But unlike Ran Yi, he is prepared to face his rather than hide away. They both did terrible things - took lives - because of circumstances that were not their fault. Zhao Yuanzhou lost control of the malicious qi and was controlled by the malicious qi when he killed. Ran Yi was badly injured and instinctively killed to feed on malicious qi to survive... however, of the two of them Zhao Yuanzhou was the more in control. He did have a choice (both as in he could have chosen not to kill, even though the consequence would have been his death, and as in he chose who to kill, specifically targeting brides in the hope of delaying his beloved's father from forcing her into an unwanted marriage). Of the two of them, objectively Ran Yi's crimes are greater, because he was in control, if desperate, and chose to kill. Zhao Yuanzhou had no choice in the matter, no control. Yet he is the one who has chosen to face those he hurt and pay for his crimes.

And again we have the dream imagery/references to dreaming - Ran Yi hopes Miss Qi will be able to live on without him, regarding their affair as a dream with muddy roads, which she has woken up from. He sees the world as desolate, and his dream with Miss Qi as fleeting and beautiful but inevitably doomed to failure - muddy roads that will not allow them to escape. He wants to hide from the world and her, thinking she will be better off without him.

Zhao Yuanzhou's final words are that meeting his friends has been like a beautiful dream... but dreams must end, and it's time to wake up. He sees the world as worth saving, worth sacrificing himself for. Instead of hiding from the world, he has embraced the dream, temporary though it may be, experiencing love and loss and friendship, and though he doesn't want it to end, he is willing to sacrifice his dream - and himself - for the sake of the world.

And this is Zhao Yuanzhou's expression after Ran Yi said his piece above:

[ambernim8]

Follow Me: a history

I have been avidly watching Korean dramas since the end of 2012. I immediately resonated with their captivating, often twisty and complex plotlines, and the emotional struggles of their characters. Oh, and the romance. Jane Austen style, slow burn, meet-cute, enemies-to-lovers, arranged marriages, fake marriages…THIS was what I was missing so badly in American media. Needless to say, once I started my kdrama love affair, I never quit. I mean, a famous actress meets who meets the love of her life, only to discover that he’s an alien from another planet that has been stranded on Earth for hundreds of years—who else is telling stories like this??  True love. Cheong Song Yi x Do Min Joon 5ever!

Flash forward to fall 2024, when I took my first creative writing class ever (an extremely generous gift of dear co-workers of mine who don’t want to see me working retail any longer…bless them!!). In order to write the prompts assigned to me, I needed characters to practice with…and I don’t know about you, but I can never think of characters without thinking up a story for them. I was stuck though. Nothing was coming to me. Then, laying on the couch, feeling the pressure of my upcoming prompt deadline, there came a whisper of an idea…a kdrama plot began to build in my head. I tell you nothing is more exciting than playing with a kdrama plot, the possibilities are endless! I could see all the scenes as if I were watching the Netflix trailer for it. I grabbed a notebook and wrote…and wrote…and wrote…

I used that first kdrama storyline and it’s cast of characters for the rest of that class and by the time it was over, I was sure of one thing: I wanted to write novels inspired by kdramas. It was like a someone had opened a flood gate for me. Prior to that creative writing class, I had largely pushed my dreams of being a published author to the back burner. Feeling like I had an original story to tell for the first time in years, and allowing myself to relish in that, I stopped telling myself wait and instead started saying why not?

Why not write the stories I want to read? The ones I personally reach for when I’m low on energy and motivation after a hard week. The ones that comfort me, make me laugh, make me excited. Why not write self-indulgent rom-coms like the ones I grew up with and now watch playing out in my favorite kdramas?

Sternly telling my fears and doubts to take a hike, in December 2024 I told myself I was going to write my first novel ever and post it to Wattpad to share with anyone who might enjoy it as a break from the pressures of life. Deciding the novel project I wanted to move forward with the most was a hard choice. As I said, several ideas had made their home in my head…and just as I thought I was going to pick that first storyline I used in my creative writing class, a new idea came into my head and took over.

That idea is now what I have titled: Follow Me. A kdrama inspired novel about following your heart. Ahn Soojin is a Korean American woman who finds herself engaged to a chaebol (wealthy heir). Soojin’s new fiancé—a man she’s never met—has the power to help save her from losing everything that matters most…if only she could stop her heart from choosing his younger brother. The heart wants what the heart wants <3

Romantic comedy is not a groundbreaking new genre, but if you’ve never seen how Korean dramas put their signature spin on it, I highly encourage you to give it a try! It is now easier than ever to watch kdramas with streaming giants like Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu picking up a large number of popular titles. If you’re not sure where to start, here are my best recs for what's currently streaming per service:

Netflix

Crash Landing On You

Run On

Cinderella and the Four Knights

Hulu

The Legend of the Blue Sea

What's Wrong With Secretary Kim?

Crazy Love

Amazon Prime

No Gain, No Love

My Roommate is a Gumiho

Boys Over Flowers

Happy watching!

Later, lovelies! xoxo

ps: leave me a comment on your favorite kdrama of all time! Mine is a tie between Secret Garden & Crash Landing On You <3

[leonanette]

The Man in the Pearl Mask Masterlist

Summary

The Valryan gods foresee what destruction Lucerys Velaryon’s death will bring and decide to intervene. They cannot stop the dragons from dancing but they can change the tune.

Lucerys comes back from the dead thanks to Balerion’s intervention and decides that, since he failed to help his mother’s cause as himself, he should become someone different - the masked, mute, mystery dragonrider known only as Lord Velaryon.

The gods aren’t content with intervening in just one person’s fate, however. Other gods set their eyes on Aemond and work to set him on a different path.

One day, Lucerys and Aemond’s paths will cross again and, when they do, they will be very different people.

Main Fic Chapters:

Divine Intervention

Spectre at the Feast

Death Denied

Tessarion's Work

Brothers Reunited

Grounded by a Ghost

Death to the Greens

The Return

Becoming Indispensable

The First Battle

Blood and Cheese

The Bridge Again

Storm's End Again

The Papers

Syrax's Best Work

Chaos in King's Landing

The Morning After

The Road to Battle

The Miracle at Duskendale

Facing the Music

Many Councils

The Night Ghouls

The Red Fork

A Plot is Hatched

Madness and Mutiny

Rhaena Rises

The Mercies

The War Sept

Changing Course

The Trap and the Lance

Tumbleton

The Negotiations

A Secret Meeting

Larys Returns

A Debt Repaid

Shipbreaker Bay Again

The White Worm and the Woodswitch

A Letter from an Enemy

The Princess Returns

The Chase

Cloak of Gold and Cloak of Silver

The Search

The Awful Truth

The Punishment

The Highgarden Ball 

Silence and Defiance 

Family in Name Only

The Deep Breath

Harrenhal's Revenge 

Ride of the Golden Dread

The Last Few Miles

Night at Acorn Hall

High Heart

Harrenhal Again

The Golden Tooth

A Storm Passing

No Way Out 

The Trial

Meleys' Best Work

Plots and Counterplots

Ultimatum

The Last Battle

Epilogue

The Valyrian Gods

Character Profiles

Syrax

Balerion

Tessarion

Vermax

Vhagar

Meleys

Family Tree and Creation Myth

Spin Offs, Deleted Scenes and More

Portrait of Lord Velaryon by hrgves

The Blue Poppy Dreams

Vermax used the last of the blue death poppy to allow the dead to contact Aemond through dreams. This is the counsel they have to offer him.

Deleted Scenes

Stuff and nonsense too good not to write but not good enough to make the fic.

How Vermax Won His Wager

Alternative title: Valyrian Gods Behaving Badly

There's nothing more dangerous than a bored Valyrian god and Vermax is getting very bored in King's Landing indeed. So, when his friend, Gaelithox, offers up a friendly wager, he can't resist the opportunity to cause chaos among the greens.

Be prepared for a maiden made of clouds, a King getting turned into a horse for five minutes and all sorts of other godly hijinks.

Policy of Truth

Alternative title: What would have happened if I wrote the fic after watching Episode 1 of Season 2.

An AU within the 'Man in the Pearl Mask' AU, taking place around Chapter 15.

The Valyrian Gods are working to turn Aemond against his family by showing him the ugly truth about them. But, Vermax is saving the ugliest truth until last because he knows that seeing his mother and the man he once admired having a sordid affair would break him. And, Vermax also knows that he can use that to his advantage...

Playlist

This is an ever-growing playlist made up of my ideas and suggestions from my lovely commenters. I'll always open for more suggestions so please don't hesitate to comment with yours!

Fire and Ice by Nerdout (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

Back from the Dead by Skillet (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

The Dominoes Fall by Dario Marianelli

Mirage by OneRepublic (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

Firestarter by The Prodigy

(spoilers for Chapter 19 incoming) No Bullets Fly by Sabaton

Night Witches by Sabaton

Molossus by James Newton Howard

No Light, No Light by Florence and the Machine (suggested by cryptid_corvid)

Silly Tumblr posts

Just a collection of stuff and nonsense.

Chapter 16 in GIFs

My Snarkiest Author's Notes (without context)

The Valyrian Gods during Chapter 35 of The Man in the Pearl Mask

Me being a Sabaton fan in ‘The Man in the Pearl Mask’ - Part 1

The Valyrian Gods betting on what Luke will do next

Details

Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Fandoms:

House of the Dragon (TV)

A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin

Relationships:

Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen/Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) ; Cregan Stark/Jacaerys Velaryon ; Baela Targaryen/Helaena Targaryen

Characters:

Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) ; Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen ; Balerion the Valyrian God (A Song of Ice and Fire ; Syrax the Valyrian God (A Song of Ice and Fire) ; Valyrian Gods (A Song of Ice and Fire) ; Aegon II Targaryen ; Alicent Hightower ; Helaena Targaryen; Daeron Targaryen (Son of Viserys I) ; Alys Rivers of House Strong ; Jacaerys Velaryon ; Cregan Stark ; Daemon Targaryen ; Otto Hightower ; Laenor Velaryon ; Rhaenyra Targaryen ; Rhaenys Targaryen Velaryon ; Baela Targaryen ; Rhaena Targaryen (Daughter of Daemon) ; Tyraxes the God (ASoIaF) ; Vermithor | Jaehaerys I Targaryen's Dragon ; Silverwing | Alysanne Targaryen's Dragon ; Corlys "The Sea Snake" Velaryon ; Erryk Cargyll ; Floris Baratheon ; Borros Baratheon

Additional Tags:

Fix-It ; Secret Identity ; Ghosts ; Shakespeare References ; Slow Burn ; Eventual Romance ; Other Additional Tags to Be Added ; Body Horror ; Blood and Gore ; Vermax the Valyrian God ; Tessarion the Valyrian God ; Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) Lives ; Aged-Up Character(s) ; Not Beta Read ; Nightmares ; Minor Cregan Stark/Jacaerys Velaryon ; Sabaton References ; Minor Baela Targaryen/Helaena Targaryen

[torturedcoveydepartment]

I’ve noticed you’re a fan of both Taylor Swift and tbosas, so what songs do you think radiate Lucy Gray Baird vibes?

IS THIS REALLY THE REPUTATION I HAVE ON HERE? LOVE IT. I have a burning passion for both of these!! This will by all means become a fangirling moment of mine, but that’s the thrill ain’t it? No but really. Here’s my list of songs that could have been written by Ms Lucy Gray Baird, originally from the musical genius and cat lady Taylor Alison Swift <3

Should’ve said no is definitely a song that she would’ve written as discovering that Billy Taupe went behind her back, messed up badly and became a total asshole.

“It’s strange to think the songs we used to sing. The smiles, the flowers. Everything gone // You shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness at my feet. You should’ve said no, baby and you might still have me”

Mean walks the same path. I’d like to imagine her singing it wherever she went after Coriolanus went crazy, whether that’s up north or in the afterlife. Also something after Billy Taupe’s fuckery.

“I bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold. But the cycle ends right now cause you can’t lead me down that road and you don’t know what you don’t know // Some day I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean”

Never grow up fits as something the covey would cook together about Maude Ivory and Clerk Carmine. Potentially also about Lucy Gray. Though I feel like she could have written it about her younger cousins - especially after the games, wishing they’ll never have to go through the capitol’s sick entertainment game.

“Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming. So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite nightlight. To you everything is funny, you have nothing to regret // Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple”

Haunted feels like a Lucy Gray written song right after witnessing Coriolanus shooting Mayfair. Especially something she came up with after he lied to her about “his old self”. We know the covey claims Lucy Gray to be the poet in their family, so she could easily have came up with it even in the moments of doubt and fear.

“You and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time, but I never thought I’d live to see it break. It’s getting dark and it’s all so quiet and I can’t trust anything now. And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake // Something made your eyes go cold”

Sad beautiful tragic makes me think of Lucy Gray right before the games as she gets to the point where maybe? just maybe she’s falling for Coriolanus.

“I meet you in warm conversations. We both wake in lonely beds. In different cities and time. Is taking its sweet time erasing you, and you’ve got your demons and darlin’ they all look like me. Cause we had, a beautiful magic love there. What a sad, beautiful tragic love affair”

Before the reaping a part of her still missed Billy, so Better man could possibly fit into those mixed feelings of disappointment, longing, grief and aggression.

“Sometimes in the middle of the night I can feel you again. And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man”

I bet you think about me as she watched Coriolanus continuing torturing and kill children because of a relationship that ended on bad feet.

“I bet you think about me, in your organic shoes and your million dollar couch. I bet you think about me when they say oh my god she’s insane, she wrote a song about me”

Bad blood. Utter disappointment and anger. When Coriolanus “chased” her down the woods.

“Cause baby now we got bad blood. You know it used to be mad love. So take a look what you’ve done. Cause baby now we got bad blood. Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted”

Look what you made me do gives me vague vibes of hate towards Coral and her pack. Trying to poison them (succeeding with one of em!! Too bad Dill died)

“I don’t like your little games. Don’t like your tilted stage // I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red underlined // I don’t trust nobody and nobody trust me. I’ll be the actress staring in your bad dreams”

MY TEARS RICOCHET. UGH MY ALL TIME FAV SONG. ISNT IT OBVIOUS? The bridge is SO Coriolanus and Lucy Gray coded after they fell apart. Lullabies stolen by death.

“And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood. But you would still miss me in your bones. And I still talk to you, when I’m screaming at the sky. And when you can’t sleep at night - you hear my stolen lullabies”

Mad woman. No one really accepted her for who she was. Not district 12. Definitely not the capitol. In the book the hanging tree got banned to perform due to its real upbringing on unfair and cruel practices.

“No one likes a mad woman, you made her like that // I’m taking my time, taking my time cause you took everything from me. Watching you climb, watching you climb over people like me”

The lakes. OBVIOUS. AGAIN. Song she wrote during their visit at the lake, her, Coriolanus and the others of the covey. Planning on running away with him to live in the wilderness, catching their own food and never looking back.

“What should be over burrowed under my skin, in heartstopping ways of hurt. I’ve come to far to watch some namedropping sleaze tell me what are my words worth. Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die - I don’t belong, and my beloved neither do you”

There is something about Cowboy like me that gives off Lucy Gray energy, especially right before the games. Her job is practically putting on a charm and performing (not to mention she’s REAL GOOD at it. Accustomed to tricking others by feigning love, probably like coryo and her as they tried to gain affection out of one other.

“I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve, takes on to know one // You’re a cowboy like me, perched in the dark, telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear // Now you hang from my lips like the garden of babylon. With your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con”

Anti-hero, SHE’S DEFINITELY NOT ONE. But when first speaking to Coriolanus again she claims herself to be a murderer when in reality, she’s just a girl with willingness to survive. Lucy Gray is a confident and determined girl, but there’s a not a doubt her mind is playing tricks on her from time to time - especially after the games.

“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem it’s me. At tea time everybody agrees. I stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the antihero. // Did you hear my covert narcissism. I disguise as altruism? Like I’m some kind of congressman. Tale as old as time”

Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. None of her past lovers have stayed true, besides her life never treated her fairly either. Coriolanus and the capitol really did steal her childhood, even if it was hers first.

“And now that I’ve grown, I’m scared of ghosts. Memories feel like weapons // God rest my soul. I miss who I used to be, the tomb won’t close // Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts. Give me back my girlhood it was mine first”

Carolina from where the crawdads sings is such a covey tale song!!

Safe & Sound is pretty self explanatory, ain’t it?

[gabessquishytum]

Dreamling Anna Karenina au?

Oof, this is going to hurt. Content warnings for attempted suicide, infidelity, childbirth, general angst...

Dream has been married to his older husband for several years now, and he's... content. They have a young son. They are very rich, and Dream has the best of everything.

He pays a visit to the countryside to his sibling Desire, who is having marriage problems. Dream has agreed to try and help smooth things over. The stay goes quite well, until Dream is introduced to Robert Gadling.

Robert is young, younger than Dream. He is also rich and full of life and love. The attraction between him and Dream is instant and everyone can see it. It grows so strong that Dream decides to leave, before things get out of hand. He's beginning to doubt his loyalty to his husband. He returns to the city, but Hob follows him. Unable to let Dream go.

They begin a proper affair. They attend parties together, they're sleeping together, and it isn't long before Dream’s husband finds out. He demands an end to the affair, saying that he will forgive Dream if it ends now. Dream asks for a divorce, and his husband refuses.

Dream is ultimately forced to leave his home, and his son. He has Hob, and he is also pregnant with their child, but the birth goes badly and he is very ill - close to dying. His husband comes to visit and forgives Dream for all his wrongs, and tells him that he can return home with the new baby. Hob, devastated at losing Dream yet again, unsuccessfully tries to end his own life... and Dream finds that despite the joy of being reunited with his son, he can't stay with his husband. He and Hob flee abroad with their baby and Dream is forced to leave his son behind.

Dream is snubbed by society and despite being happy with Hob, it's impossible to live in the way they would like because of the scandal. Even Desire is critical of his choices. Furthermore, Dream’s husband has told their son that Dream is dead. Despite being happy with Hob, he simply can't recover from the fact that he will never be allowed to see his son again, and that he will never be able to marry Hob because his husband still refuses to divorce him.

Because Dream is considered the immoral party for having an affair and abandoning his child, he is still snubbed by society. But Hob can go out into the world and associate with whoever he likes, leading to increasing jealousy between them. Dream is terrified that Hob will marry someone else, and his anxiety becomes unmanageable.

I won't spoil what happens in the end of the novel, but if you know, you know. Or perhaps there's a happy ending in this au, and Dream’s husband dies, allowing him to marry Hob and be reunited with his son. I'll let you all decide how it goes <3

[archivalofsins]

Let's talk about the Dissociation Gang a little more~

X

"I will deny you, a distorted image needs to be purged. Let's strangle his throat thoroughly, so he will never talk back."

"I’m the one who chose, let you and you and you all in -Happy or Sad? Why decide? Where’d you get your half-baked sense of justice? So, nauseating...so creepy...will you please disappear?" X

Q.06 What do you hate?

Mikoto: working overnight / reptiles / violence

Q.09 What do you think about Kotoko’s attacks?

Haruka: Scary- But aren’t they all the people you thought were bad?

Yuno: Is she an idiot? Nothing’s going to change in the world if you just act out violently where everyone can see.

"Nice to meet you, my name is Kashiwagi Yuuko! Well then, where shall we go? I don’t need to be lectured to like that. Do you just want to make yourself feel even better? I won't be bothered...."

Q.16 Do you have anyone you hate?

Haruka: I don’t have the right to do that

Yuno: People who like to lecture you.

Q.06 What do you think of your father?

Haruka: I don’t think he was particularly interested in me

Yuno: Didn’t you ask about my family structure before? I don’t have one, remember?

Q.08 Do you have any memories of fun times in your childhood?

Haruka: I had fun when I was little. My mother was kind to me then.

Yuno: It was always fun. I think that’s pretty normal.

"That's right- You know those sorts of people who just want to convince themselves; so, they stick their nose into the affairs of others knowing it's not their place? I despise those sorts of people the most. They're only getting involved to make themselves feel better, right? In the end they never actually accomplish anything."

"Yuno..."

"No matter how many chilling memories I had to endure, those people never gave me any warmth. He-he I ended up going off topic there! Um, what did I wanna say again?"

"Where’d you get your half-baked sense of justice? So, nauseating...so creepy...will you please disappear “Phew. Anyway!”."

"Er, so…… could you listen to what I say without laughing? I……Hinako, I love you more than anything. I'm so dumb; why did I have to dream?"

Q.04 Are your family proud of you?

Kazui: Nope. They probably don’t consider me anything more than an embarrassment.

Amane: Of course. You couldn’t find a more exemplary daughter than me.

Q.07 Do you like yourself?

Kazui: Well, not especially I suppose.

Amane: I’ve never really thought about myself in terms of “like” or “dislike”, but I do think I’m a good child.

Q.08 Which do you prioritise between logic and feelings?

Kazui: I put my feelings first and it ended badly. So, I don’t want to act just based on feelings again.

Amane: Both are unimportant.

"Alright, I see you're very professional for your age. Heh, ha-ha. Well, you've told me a lot so let me return the favor. We haven't really had this sort of self-introduction. So, it's sort of refreshing. Once again, I'm Mukuhara Kazui, age 39. Nice to meet you, warden."

Liberties have been taken but we is literally what he uses in the translation I'm looking at.

"Hah ha, ha, ha was Shidou like this as well? Well, he's really calm and relaxed, isn't he? He seems like the type to not become unsettled in unfamiliar situations."

"Are you any different? You've been acting all cheerful as well."

"Mmm- Do I seem that way? That's good."

"What's so good about it? I don't like this. That shallow smile you've consciously crafted just to present yourself a certain way. Only acting based on how you want others to view you- while wearing that expression full of lies."

"This is, this is... Well, you're pretty strict. Ah ha, ha. It's not as though I'm not scared either."

"..."

"But- I've got a responsibility that comes with being older, too. Even in an abnormal situation like this, there's no way I could just let myself panic in front of the kids. Well, even if it's fake... Adults need to keep up a smile in order to not let the young ones down, you know."

20/06/19

Kazui: By the way…… thanks, Shina-chan. You keep going around and talking to people to make sure the mood never gets too sour, right? It’s a big help. We’re all in here together, after all. If a fight broke out the whole group could fall apart.

Mahiru: ……eh? Huh~? Ah, no, I’m just talking to people because I personally want to talk. All the kids are so cute, so I can’t help but want to fuss over them! A fight, huh… But if that ever happened, then you’ll definitely be a big help, right~? Since you’re so big! And buff!

Kazui: Ahh, no. I mean, I’ll do what I can. Based on appearance, as long as nobody has a weapon, I think I can probably get everyone under control…… No, we should just hope that nothing like that ever happens.

Mahiru: You know, I quite like watching martial arts, actually. I don’t really get it, but it looks super cool. Hi-yah! Hi-yah!

20/07/08

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired of being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about? I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right? I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone too.

Yuno: I don't smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you're talking with other people it's more like you only smile deliberately. So, I kept thinking, don't your cheeks get tired? Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ......you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you. …….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

20/08/02

Mahiru: Yeah, I’m asking for what you like in the opposite sex! I mean, with a lifestyle like this we have a lot of free time, right? So earlier when I was talking with all the other girls we got onto the topic! It’s not often you get a chance like this to live with a mix of men and women together, so I thought it might be nice to use the chance to talk about stuff like this in preparation for when we leave.

Kazui: Ah…… Haha, I understand. I can see that’d be the sort of thing girls your age would be interested in, huh. How peaceful. What I like in the opposite sex… I don’t know if what I say will really be a good reference for you…… Ah, you know, since I’m at this age. I like a girl who can just smile free of worries. Seeing that’d make my old, tired heart feel young again.

Yuno: Uh-huh, I see, I see. ……that’s a total lie, right?

Kazui: Haha…… Give me a break here. You sure don’t make things easy for people, Kashiki-chan.

"Father is a very praiseworthy person. Once his virtue increases, he'll come back home, right? It's a little lonely, but I'm fine! I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry for breaking the rules! You've scorned me! And you've scored God! You won’t be forgiven! I definitely won’t forgive you!"

Q.02  Who do you look up to?

Kazui: You won’t know them even if I say, but I have a childhood friend I really respect. Sorry for just answering someone from my personal life.

Amane: My father. He’s been away on a trip for a while, but I think that’s very honourable of him.

Q.09 Tell us your family structure.

Kazui: It’s only me now.

Amane: It was my father, my mother and me.

Q.13 Who do you want to see right now?

Kazui: They won’t see me anymore.

Amane: My father. I want him to praise me for all my hard work.

Q.03 If you were able to get away with anything, what would you want to do?

Kazui: I’d like to try living honestly.

Amane: Nothing in particular. I don’t feel I’m lacking anything.

Despite saying that she feels there's nothing she's particularly lacking when question seventeen comes up she answers with,

Q.17 If the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do?

Kazui: Relax and go trawling. The childhood friend I mentioned before has a boat.

Amane: You mean if absolutely everything was going to end? In that case, I’d probably do a bunch of things I’ve never done before.

Meaning that Amane would probably do many things that she couldn't get away with doing when tomorrow came around if there was a guarantee that it would never come around.

Q.06  What would you say is the difference between adults and children?

Kazui: Responsibility. Adults can’t just do whatever they want.

Amane: I don’t think there’s a strict boundary. There are adults who act like children just as there are children who are mature like adults.

Q.07 Do you like yourself?

Kazui: Well, not especially I suppose.

Amane: I’ve never really thought about myself in terms of “like” or “dislike”, but I do think I’m a good child.

Q.08 Which do you prioritise between logic and feelings?

Kazui: I put my feelings first and it ended badly. So, I don’t want to act just based on feelings again.

Amane: Both are unimportant.

Q.14  Do you listen to music?

Kazui: I guess I do from time to time. It’s all super old music though, so I don’t think you’ll know it.

Amane: I don’t particularly listen to it for fun.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!! DESTROY EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!! AHHHH! You’re all fucking annoying! I’ll beat you all to death, pieces of shit!!! My life... it wasn't supposed to be this way..."

Q.01 Tell us your family structure.

Mikoto: My mother, me, and my younger sister. My sister’s a blossoming high school student.

Q.16 What’s your relationship like with your parents?

Mikoto: My parents are divorced. I get along well with my mother though, she’s the one who raised me. I don’t want to make her worry.

Q.10 Do you ever get angry at other people?

Mikoto: I don’t really... Don’t you think it’s kinda shameful, getting mad?

Q.13 Do you tend to be forgetful?

Mikoto: Ahh… Lately it’s maybe happened a lot.

Q.20 Are you more of a morning person or a night person?

Mikoto: I used to be basically nocturnal. Recently though I’ve been falling asleep pretty early.

Q.28 How do you decide what clothes to wear for the day?

Haruka: I wear what’s there

Yuno: I pick something to match with the person I’ll be with.

X

So, with all of that out of the way let's talk about what I recently learned. I was looking into information on alters yesterday and learned there's a such thing as non-human alters. For this post I'll specifically be focusing on animal alters-

X oh and this X The second link is not for the faint of heart and deals with incredibly heavy topics in detail.

So, you know what this means?

"HARROW, HARROW!"

Dissociative Gang Final member found.

Skill- Dissociative on Dissociative Violence unlocked. :D

I'm so sorry dissociative pack of hounds- I was uninformed and dismissive before. Though now that I've learned this I can't unsee it.

This new information recontextualizes a lot of Kotoko's behavior. Along with making it possible for people to now speculate the reason Kotoko was so quick to state Mikoto's behavior was indicative of dissociative identity disorder is because she may have been diagnosed with it at a point.

Something that tracks if we take a step back to question why someone going to law school would need to know the symptoms of dissociative identity disorder or be capable of spotting them in others?

Q.07 What did you study at university?

Kotoko: Technically, I’m studying law. I’m on a break right now because there’s something else, I want to do, though.

Q.12 What is your motto?

Kotoko: “There’s no other way that could let us live, so I walk this path.” [TN: Quote from Mushanokouji Saneatsu.]

Considering everyone else this explains why Jackalope said a situation like Mikoto's was the first they had. Along with why he'd be so annoyed by it and embarrassed by it.

This also gives Kotoko's actions a bit more nuance. Her disdain towards Mikoto possibly being a projection of her own self-loathing, something that's alluded to within her first cover Anti Beat.

"Painfully unpleasant, come and receive this punishment for loving me." - "If I'm told, 'I love all of you every single part', I'll just be filled with hate. I absolutely detest the 'me' that loves you." - "I just want to die already, so I can finally be at ease. Anti Beat. But all I know is pain and I'm stuck with no way to escape."

On top of that, it would make sense for her to become more hostile towards Mikoto even understanding that he has dissociative identity disorder after his verdict to better distance herself from him. Something that she's been attempting to do from the beginning all while suspecting he had this.

20/07/01

Mikoto: Hey, hey, Koto-chan. I’ve been thinking this ever since I first heard your name, but don’t you think the names “Mikoto” and “Kotoko” kinda sound like siblings?

Kotoko: No.

Mikoto: Don’t say that! Let’s get along well from here on as the Koto-Koto combo!

Kotoko: I’m not doing that.

Q.14  Are there any prisoners you don’t get on with?

Kotoko: Mikoto. He’s loud and bothersome.

Especially since Kotoko wants to align herself with Milgram. Regardless of her personal feelings on Mikoto or anyone else here she'd do what was necessary to reach her objective.

Q.15 Which is more important, the objective or the means?

Kotoko: Objective. Does that not go without saying?

This also makes it an even split between prisoners that show dissociative tendencies and those who do not. This facet of Kotoko's character can tie into her need to be a part of the group with the most control. Unlike others who are hostile towards Milgram and are actively looking to collect information on it in order to combat the system.

Amane and Kotoko both try to align themselves with the facility.

Amane stated that if she were forgiven then maybe the facility and herself could work together. Kotoko took it a step further, endearing herself to the system by protecting one of its agents at the detriment of the group.

She stopped the one person physically capable of fighting Es from doing so all to be in a closer proximity of power. A reasonable extension of Futa's mob mentality into system-justification. Kotoko while presenting as believing in Milgram's System is attempting to endear herself to it not necessarily because she views Milgram as right but because she does not wish to be viewed as wrong.

In many instances people who deviate from societal norms in one way will overcompensate in another to avoid being discriminated against. So, Kotoko's insistence on being Milgram's fang could be a defense mechanism brought about by her own hypervigilance. Since, she very well may have learned through her life experiences that as long as she's useful people will let her do what she wants.

This could also be why instead of intervening immediately Kotoko sits back and let's Es get beaten up for a bit. Because as shown in Harrow she doesn't care about intervening before harm is done but only about if she can intervene at a moment where her violence appears justifiable.

However, she very well could have been debating with herself over who was really the bad guy in that situation since after she helps Es she does bring up her misgivings in regard to Mikoto being judged. If Kotoko was observing up to the point Es kicked her out she would have seen Es at points purposely doing things that stressed Mikoto out. Something she's shown to be uncomfortable with even in good fun as she almost intervenes when Yuno, Futa, Kazui, and Mikoto are playing a word game in the minigram because Kazui appears visibly stressed and as though he's being harassed.

Actively having to tell this wolf to wait a second.

Q.20 What do you consider “evil”?

Kotoko: The persecution of the weak and innocent.

Under this framing her behavior could be considered attempting to come off as one of the good ones. There are people like that amongst multiple groups regardless of the circumstances. People will attempt to differentiate themselves from the more undesirable aspects associated with certain immutable traits they have to avoid stigmatization.

This could play into her disdain towards Mikoto due to how his dissociative traits present themselves. His presentation may very well come off as jarring or offensive to her maybe even bringing up some bad memories consequently. She only says that she dislikes him because he's loud and bothersome but ultimately doesn't go into depth on how so.

She also clashes with Yuno and Kazui as well. Yuno specifically stating she'd never be friends with someone like her, Kotoko has threatened Kazui, and when she was tutoring Amane she bluntly states that Amane isn't as smart as she thought she'd be. We haven't gotten a portal timeline of Amane studying with anyone since that either.

20/06/18

Amane: Thank you very much for teaching me. ……but, though I realise it’s strange me saying this after I asked you, I must admit it’s kind of unexpected. You give off the impression of someone who wouldn’t want to get involved in things like this.

Kotoko: ……well, you’re not wrong. I’m surrounded by people who could all be murderers, so I don’t plan on going out of my way to talk and make friends. I can’t let my guard down. But I like ambitious people like you. If you want to study more, then I’m happy to teach.

Amane: I see…… You look scary at first impression, but I quite like the way you treat everyone equally regardless of whether they’re older or younger than you. You don’t just treat me like a child or anything like that.

Kotoko: Treat you like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. I don’t have any plans to let you get away with something just “because you’re a child.” ……remember that. There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.

We also have yet to see Amane speak to Kotoko again after this happened. Just saying when Mikoto went up to Kotoko and said I figured no one would wish you happy birthday he probably would have still had good reason to think that even if she didn't jump anyone.

(Star here! This would put an interesting spin on this part of the voice drama:

Es: You have to ask them why… to watch them interact with each other… for the sake of… understanding them more…

Kotoko: Guard-san?

Es: “Gurad-san”… is that really… me?

Kotoko: *slams table(?)*

Es: Ough…!

Kotoko: Don’t space out. The interrogation isn’t over.

Es: … Yeah.

Kotoko: Eh, well, if you’re done with it anyway, then it’s not a problem.

Es: …

Kotoko: Guard-san? No… Es. Don’t you want to join forces with me? I think the two of us will make good partners

With the idea that Kotoko not only has d.i.d but knows ways to mitigate/alleviate the pitfalls of having such disorder, this comes off moreso as her trying to ground Es. She then proceeds to avoid using the term Guard as that appeared to be the trigger for a dissociative episode on Es' part.

Also, to bring up a point about d.i.d from earlier in this post, you could make the argument that this answer comes from a place of denial or avoiding talking about a negative experience in her past by using the loophole that it didn't happen to her personally:

Q.18 Have you ever personally been prosecuted in the past?

Kotoko: I haven't. But are you trying to say that if you haven't had those experiences, you can't hate evildoers?)

Gunsli here, other than all that I really don't know what else to say. It's late and I've been typing all this up since midafternoon. I hope this all makes sense.

[fullnameandaddress]

My Dearest Pammy,

You can’t read yet, but I don’t know if we’ll ever get to have this conversation when you’re old enough to understand it. The future is uncertain. I’ve always known that, but I know it far better now than I did yesterday. No matter who you are, you are never guaranteed tomorrow. It is for this reason that I tell you this now. When I was young, I fell in love. He was mysterious and attractive and he promised me such sweet things. I believed him. I believed him because he was always so full of hope. That’s what Gatsby always was, I think. Even to the end he was full of dreams and wishes and hope. He was a fool. That’s what I loved most about him. I wish I were a fool.

He left. It was the war. It dragged him away. The whole time he was away, I longed for his presence. The longer he was away, the more I realized that perhaps it had been pipe dreams, instead of reality, that I was longing for. He, after a long while, told me that he was back in the States. I urged him home, my feelings of doubt increasing as he told me that he was unable to return. I wanted his presence. I wanted to know that I was doing the right thing, waiting for him rather than finding myself a husband out of one of my many suitors. I found I could no longer rely on the foolish hopes and dreams of Gatsby. I had to make a choice. The fanciful life I’d been promised by someone just as fanciful, set for a time no one knew, or the steady, reliable life that I could have now, promised to me by someone I could see, touch, and feel? Tom won me over in the end, and I did my best to forget about Gatsby.

You may wonder, child, why I praise the foolishness of Gatsby, and wish for it, but also have denied it. Well, at the time, I’d lost the appeal of being a fool. I thought I was so clever, and I was. I was so clever. I thought that this was the way one ought to be. I thought that the best things to be are pretty and clever. I was both. It was my beauty that got me my suitors, and by her suitors lay a lady’s worth. Her husband is the only way a woman may have anything in this world. It was by my cleverness that I had one. I let go of foolish dreams and married a nice man who could provide for me. For a while, I was content with that. It didn’t last.

Tom was sweet at first. He was tender and kind. We got on well enough to start. There were moments when I was sure that I really did love him. There were moments when I was sure he loved me. And perhaps he does. Perhaps he did. Perhaps I did. I do not know anymore. At any rate, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because of Her. I don’t know if he intended I never find out. If he did, he did a right awful job at that; sneaking off to who knows where, sometimes more than twice a week, and taking secret phone calls. He wasn’t exactly subtle. Neither of us brought it up, but after a certain point, I think he knew I knew. He suspected it at least. It wouldn't have been as bad if it had been a temporary thing, but as the years stretched on, so did the affair, and I knew I would never truly have my husband’s heart. That was all right though. My husband would never truly have mine. Though, while the object of his affections was just a drive away, I had no idea where my Gatsby was or if he even remembered what he’d promised me those years ago.

Eventually, we had you. We were excited for a while, happy. I thought that, perhaps, this was the moment where we would both forget our dreams and come back to reality. I had married Tom, you might remember, for his lack of being a fool. Turns out he was an even bigger fool than I was. It couldn’t last. Tom went back to Her, seemingly more often now than before. I once again found myself longing for the presence of Gatsby. I wanted to know that I had done the right thing, giving up my chance with him and marrying one of my many suitors. I didn’t think I had. I wished so badly that I had been a fool. I wanted to be ignorant of the cruel realities of this world, and I wanted to be embraced by the lovely dreams of Gatsby. Your father so wanted a boy. He had convinced me that I did too. Deep down, though, I think I knew you. I knew what I wanted you to be.

Your father might have been there for your birth. Truthfully, I don’t remember. It doesn’t make any difference anyway. You were less than an hour old, and he was gone. Probably with Her. I suddenly needed to know. I asked the nurse right away if you were a boy or a girl. She told me you were a girl. I turned my head and wept. I still don’t know if they were tears of sadness or joy. Either way, like so many things in this story, it didn’t really matter. You were here, and I was glad. I knew exactly what I wanted you to be. ‘All right’, I’d said. ‘I’m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool- that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.’ For it was my beauty that had gotten me all of my suitors, Gatsby included, but it was foolishness that I truly wished for you. I wished that you would not be me. I am far too clever to be happy. That is what I truly want for you. I want you to be happy.

I write this for you now so that you may know why your mother is always so unhappy and distant. I truly do care for you. It is because I care for you that I am distant. I would not be a good mother. I am not. But I needed to impart this wisdom upon you. If you do end up clever, like your mother, darling, I urge you: act foolish. Have as many foolish dreams as your heart desires. If you are foolish enough, they might even come true. My Gatsby lived every day of his life a fool, and I have to believe he was happier for it, at least for a while. If he wasn’t, then both sides of this story are more of a tragedy than they have already become. I am told, though, that Gatsby died with a smile on his face, and that must account for something.

I am hiding this letter away. I might, one day, give it to you in person. Or you might read it after I am gone. You might never read it at all. But, Pammy, never stop dreaming, and always know that I love you. And, for this brief moment, allow me to be a fool.

With All a Mother’s Love,

Daisy Gatsby

[thebreakfastgenie]

⭐ the Carlye fic

Aaaa thank you! My poor, obscure fic.

This whole fic came out of the lyric that became the title, because I just got the feeling that line "she would've liked to say she loved the man, but she didn't like to lie" described Carlye's marriage to Doug. It didn't sound especially passionate, certainly not in comparison to her relationship with Hawkeye. But Doug gave her his time and attention when Hawkeye couldn't. That's why I decided for their first meeting, Doug regrets not approaching her and ditches work to run back and try to catch her. Hawkeye would never do that, and of course you can't blame him because you can't walk out on a surgery the way you can on a meeting. But that's the central problem for Carlye.

The man’s face brightens, but just then her plate of eggs comes out, and her hunger takes her attention. When she looks up, he’s gone. She eats her breakfast and doesn’t give him another thought, until she hears the door chime while she’s paying she check and turns to see him rushing back in, red-faced.   He lights up when he sees her. It’s cold outside, but he’s sweating.  “I made it in time!” he pants. “I was so sure you’d be gone… I made it all the way to the office, just kicking myself for not asking your name…” 

In trying to flesh out Carlye I came up with this woman who just wants to be a free, independent person. I decided to have her not love college for something different, although I think maybe she goes back to school someday, after the end of the fic.

Carlye and Hawkeye meeting in surgery was important to me. He talks about her nursing skills, so they obviously worked together back then, and it just kind of made sense. The skill and dedication is attractive to both of them, but of course Hawkeye's dedication drives them apart in the end.

I wanted her relationships with both Hawkeye and Doug to tell us something about her. It's not about Hawkeye or about Doug, but about how Carlye is with them and what that reveals about her.

I ended the fic kind of abruptly without getting to it, because I wanted to leave it open, but in my mind Doug forgives the affair but they divorce a few years later anyway.

The flat feels smaller the more alone she feels. He had a way of opening up rooms with his words, his crazy, believable dreams. Now the hunter green walls box her in. Now she thinks maybe it’s a good thing she can’t talk to him about it. If she gives him a chance to beg her, she’ll stay, and she thinks she’ll die if she does.  When she can’t take it anymore, she slips out in the night. She knows she should feel bad about it, and she does. The guilt clings to her and her gut twists with how badly she misses him. 

I have always felt the reason she left the way she did is that she couldn't give him a chance to beg her to stay, because it would have worked. I mean, look at how fast "no, it can be better" works several years later. The relationship isn't working for her, but she still loves him, and leaving is hard and painful. But she's sincere when she says "I know I hurt you."

He isn’t always exciting, but she never catches him muttering the names of suturing techniques while he runs his hands over her chest, 

I am slightly obsessed with this image. Rather than sexualizing medicine, he's medicalizing sex. Sometimes I think it would have been better if this had a happier counterpart, maybe the two of them doing anatomical dirty talk and joking about playing doctor early in their courtship. But I think the style of the fic would need to be slightly different for that to fit.

The version of this that's posted is the second draft and I think it improved a lot from the first one. I'm happy with it! The part about Carlye fantasizing about Hawkeye was better in my head when I first thought of it but alas I was half-asleep. It happens.

I just really love Carlye. Partly I have a huge lesbian crush on Blythe Danner. But I just love her and I love her dynamic with Hawkeye. I'm fascinated by the fact that they lived together unmarried in the 1940s. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything in particular with this fic, I just had a lot to say about Carlye Breslin Walton. Obviously I still do haha.

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 3rd May

Short entries this week, because I am very sleepy, but I just couldn't resist - what a fun bunch of songs!

Gee Whiz It's You - Cliff Richard (peaked at Number 4)

Is this the goofiest title we've had yet? I'm not sure, but it's very Cliff, either way. He's all about the slightly awkward "doggone" and the "gee whiz", the "oh boy", "awww man". He's not quite "shucks buster" levels of dorky, but he's approaching it, and honestly, it's usually one of his more endearing tendencies. But yeah, "gee whiz it's you" doesn't work for me - the overall vibe is more "mildly exasperated" and less "I'm still hung up on this person who's treating me badly". The song's about how you're the one that makes me blue, about how you're the one who can't be true - in the face of accusations like this, you kind of expect something a bit stronger than gee whiz. I know different swear words have held different weights, historically, but still. You can go a little stronger, surely, Cliff?!

I shouldn't complain. Because lame refrain or no, this is Cliff back on slightly rockier form, which is always a plus in my book. It's not the hardest of rockers, but there's a driving drum beat, some solid chugging bass guitar, a lead guitar solo that shimmers and wobbles with the best of them, and even a rather Elvis-like we-e-e-ll warble on the opening line. All of which is more than welcome. I enjoyed Theme for a Dream, but I have found Cliff's pop output a lot more variable, in terms of quality. His rock and roll? Pretty dang consistent - you know what you're letting yourself in for, you know?

I should say that this track almost didn't see release in the UK, since it was already scheduled for release on an album, Me and My Shadows (I see what you did with the title there!). Theme for a Dream had already been released as that album's lead single, and there wasn't any plans to release a second. Gee Whiz It's You was released in Europe, however, at which point fans had thousands of European copies imported at considerable cost. Gee Whiz It's You actually got into the charts this way - which technically made it the first European single to chart in the UK as a European single. The record company quickly realised that this was not a sensible state of affairs, and rather shamefacedly and belatedly released it as a proper UK release - our first signs of the power of pop/rock music fandom?

Blue Moon - The Marcels (1)

Okay, so this is fun. Seriously, try listening to this and not cracking a smile at all. Go on. I dare you. It's a song we've heard before, most notably having been covered by none other than Elvis in 1957. That version was understated and quiet, delivered in a mumbly register that almost dissolved away into a hum by the end. It was delicate, and kind of sad, with lyrics about the moon looking down on Elvis' loneliness and taking pity on him: Blue moon, you saw me standing alone / Without a dream in my heart / Without a love of my own. In Elvis' version, this was never resolved, and he's left standard there, the moon shining down. It's melancholy, but also quite low-key.

This version could not be more different. You can tell that from the get-go, with the bass' delighfully bizarre bom-ba-ba-bom-ba-bom-ba-bom-bom-fi-dang-a-dang-dang-fi-ding-a-dong-ding opening, and the rather gormless-sounding moon moon moon blue moon that follows on from it it. This is the most doo-woppy of doo-wop numbers, and like with most doo-wop, there's just this boisterous, silly joy to it. Naturally, it goes at a much clippier pace than the more traditional versions, with a driving drum beat and some twangy bass guitar keeping it moving along. And of course, you've got the more upbeat lyrics - the Marcels are still lonely in the moonlight, as we start out. But then, as if the moon heard their prayer, along comes Miss Right, and suddenly, things are looking up: blue moon / No I'm no longer alone / Without a dream in my heart / Without a love of my own.

I should also say that whoever the lead vocalist is, they can really sing. They all can, actually. Goofy as the backing vocals are, they're tight and impeccably well arranged to be catchy without ever quite getting annoying, or being too goofy. And yeah, like I said, the lead vocalist has the most amazing voice - a soulful, smooth tenor that's just effortlessly beautiful, almost inviting you to sing along. It's a perfect balance of skill and silliness - enough skill to pull off the silliness, and enough silliness that you don't necessarily notice the skill. The end result? A version of Blue Moon unlike any you've ever heard before - and one that's probably going to be stuck in your head for at least a couple days after you've heard it.

Warpaint - The Brook Brothers (5)

Darling, oh darling, you're not the same, a brother warbles, organ in the background, and I sigh, settle down for a stodgy ballad. And then the beat kicks in, the song picks up the pace, and its true gimmick is revealed. Because the Brook Brothers' girl has indeed changed, in a most terrible way - she's wearing make up, and the Brook Bros aren't fans!

This is, of course, literally none of their business. With your lipstick, powder and paint / You're all dressed up like a-what-a-you ain't, the Brooks tell their girl, and then, even more patronisingly, you spray your hair a different shade / We're goin' to a movie, not a masquerade. Well, yes. But people dress up for the movies all the time! I feel like the Brooks give of the vibe here of those guys who claim to only like girls who don't wear makeup, only to reveal that their idea of "no makeup" is, like, at minimum a full face of foundation, highlighter and mascara. Embarrassing.

There are a few redeeming points in their favour. Lines about their girl getting makeup on his suit, for example, suggests a slightly more legit reason for this aggrievance - I'd be annoyed if my significant other was messing up my nice date clothes on the regular, too. Plus, there's a charitable interpretation that lines about how you don't need-a warpaint, for example, are intended to boost this poor girl's flagging confiendence. She's beautiful even without makeup, they're saying - squint and you can kind of see it.

That said, you really do have to squint. Heck, the very next line is all about how darling, you're not a hopeless case. Which is stunningly misguided, if the intention is to bolster the girl's self-image. And the following line we're back to "ewww, girly things icky" with the Brooks assuring their poor gal that there's still time and there's still hope / Let me introduce you to a cake of soap. Yikes. Continue like that, and you won't have a girlfriend to get foundation on your suit. And then you'll be sorry, I bet.

Well, these were a fun bunch of songs - heck, I ended up writing pretty much full length entries on them, they were so fun! Silliness and goofiness galore. But one stood out from the rest, just in terms of quality and, you know, not being horribly patronising. So...

Favourite song of the bunch: Blue Moon

[xtruss]

‘I Can’t Believe Miss P is Naked in Front of Me’: The Affair With a Teacher That Changed My Life

Joe Gibson was 17, at school and hoping to get the grades that would earn him a scholarship at Oxford. But then a casual flirtation with his 35-year-old Spanish teacher turned into something far more serious

— Joe Gibson | Saturday 8 July 2023 | Autobiography and Memoir

Illustration: Anna Parini/The Guardian

Just going out to see Nick, friend from school, might stay over, bye!” Ned and Celia, the family friends I’m staying with, barely look up from their enormous dining table. And I’m out the door. I take the most direct route. Sod being seen. I ring her bell and I’m buzzed in. My Spanish teacher, Miss P – Ali – is standing in the doorway, looking flustered. She grabs my hand and pulls me in, kicking the door shut behind me, and before I can say a word or take off my jacket, she’s kissing me. We stand in the hallway for ages, just snogging. Once or twice she holds my head and looks at me intently, then kisses me again. I forget trying to find words to say and let myself soar.

Then, without hesitation or any look or pause, she takes me to her bedroom and undresses me. I undress her. And there we are, naked. Very naked. I want to make excuses for looking ridiculous with swimming trunk tan lines, and not being built like the first XV boys. Perhaps sensing my self-consciousness, she speaks, and her voice is warm and sexy. “Your hair is lighter.”

“It’s the sun, I expect, and my sister dyed it … it really doesn’t matter. You’re … ” I want to say something nice in return. I don’t care that I’m looking her up and down, I’m probably salivating like a cartoon dog, but I can’t believe she’s all naked in front of me. I say the first thing, anything, that comes into my head. “You’re completely naked and your skin’s all olivey and milky.”

When we have sex, it is slow and gentle. Probably a good thing, because anything more energetic and it would be all over very quickly, for me. Afterwards, we talk for a bit. She tells me she wrote to me not long after I went to Italy for the Easter break to tell me to forget about her and that nothing could happen between us. But then she says that in one of my postcards I wrote about going to a party with some Italian teenagers and she didn’t like that, and then she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I tell her how I felt being so far away and that I was aching to get back, even though I didn’t know what would be waiting for me. We don’t say much more. We look at each other a lot. Then we sleep.

When at last we venture out of the bedroom, it’s already after midday. We don’t bother dressing. Miss P doesn’t open the big shutters, which I find exciting, like we’re fugitives. We listen to music, talk about books, eat and drink and fuck, then, as the sky darkens, we return to the bedroom.

We do exactly the same the next day and night and I’m in heaven. By the third morning, I know all about her family; where she went to school and what she did at university; that she had a serious, long-term relationship when she was in her 20s, but it ended badly; how she fell in love with Spain and would love to show me Barcelona.

I tell her quite a few things as well, but I can’t compete. At 17, I don’t have anything like as much to say about my life. Really, I haven’t started living it properly yet, and she’s 35 after all. So, I tell her mainly about my dreams and ambitions to be a singer or an actor and that, when I was younger, I wanted to be a ballet dancer or racing driver. That I’m excited about trying for an Oxford scholarship next year, but crapping myself about the entrance exams. I tell her again about my parents’ separation and how that came so soon after my mother’s cancer treatment. That my parents enrolled me in this school, or the “top public school” as Mum insists on telling everyone, 150 miles from my home. That she will be moving house in the summer so that I’ll be living with her for my final year. That I haven’t spoken to Dad since Christmas. I tell her about my uncle and that I want to go sailing with him when I’ve finished school, perhaps even across the Atlantic.

That evening I put my clothes back on and, this time, when we hold each other by the front door, I am not sad or frustrated. Everything has changed again, but it feels good.

“See you at school,” I grin.

It is in the spring of 1992 that what starts as a casual flirtation between me and Miss P becomes rapidly more intimate – partnering her in the dance revue, the lift home in her car, the goodbye kiss, and finally, just before the end of term, the invitation to her flat, where one thing leads to another, and an afternoon on her sofa sees a lot more than kissing.

“Have a lovely time in Italy,” she says, as I go out the door, after that first time.

“You, too,” I reply, automatically.

When can I see you again? I want to ask, but I am afraid of the answer. I started to speak but she beats me to it.

“Don’t get seen. Just walk straight out and down the road. And listen: don’t tell anyone.” She grabs my sleeve. “You won’t tell anyone, will you? It has to be a secret.”

When school resumes, every lesson starts with a lecture about how academically crucial this term is. How the exams coming up are of critical significance for our final year and will determine not only what places we might be able to secure at university, but have a bearing of great magnitude on our career prospects, which in turn will impact on the house we hope to buy, the car we drive, the clothes we wear, whom we marry, the holidays we take, the lives of our children and children’s children.

A group of us share stories of our Easter breaks: Tom’s off-piste skiing in Courchevel; Chris’s driving lessons with a promise of a new car if he gets straight As this term; Ant’s National Youth Orchestra tour. I mention Italy but don’t get very far. Everyone wants to talk about Glastonbury: who’s going, who’s got a tent, which bands are playing. I lie back and stare up at the pale, cloudless sky and let them get on with it. They can jump ahead, but I’m quite happy losing myself in thoughts of last weekend.

Nick is speculating about which girls from our year group might be going to the festival. I tune in, but a part of me wants to jump up and yell, Who gives a shit about those girls? I fucked Miss P. What do you think of that? Boom!

“I’m wrapped around her, stroking her breasts. I call them breasts now, not tits; more grown up”

The look on their faces would be priceless. Maybe I wouldn’t say fucked; it’s too harsh. Slept with? Made love to?

“What are you grinning about, Joe?” I look up again. They’re all staring at me. “Nothing,” I mumble, then add, “girls.”

This seems to satisfy them, and they return to their conversation. The fact is, I can never, will never, tell them about me and Miss P.

‘So, you’re coming to my sketching classes,” she says, referring to the extracurricular activity she’s going to be running on Thursday afternoons. We’re lying in bed. She’s on her back and I’m wrapped around her, stroking her breasts. I call them breasts now, not tits; more grown up. We’ve been in bed for over an hour and it’s still not dark. We didn’t even finish the first glass of wine.

“Did you get many sign-ups?” I ask, hoping not.

“Actually, only four.”

“Still too many.” I bury my head in her pillow.

“Hey, at least we’ll be spending time together.” She slides out of bed and disappears to the bathroom. I stare at the ceiling and try not to ask myself questions, but they come. Like, what is this? How did it happen? What’s next? I don’t have any answers, so I lie back and distract myself with the sounds in her flat, in her road. The toilet flushes. It’s weird but sort of sexy.

We stay up late, sitting on the living room floor, with pizza and chocolate and wine. “Would you like to watch a film?” she asks, and crawls over to a box by the television. I join to inspect her collection. It’s mostly European cinema and the odd costume drama. We select Manon des Sources and snuggle up on the sofa.

Halfway through the film she asks, “How are you going to get home?”

“Home? What, tomorrow?”

“You can’t stay here tonight, you know that. You’ve – we’ve – both got school tomorrow.”

I’m gutted. “I thought I’d be staying here tonight. Do I have to go?”

“We can’t risk you being seen in the morning. Some of the teachers use this road as a cut-through. You could easily be spotted.” She’s practical when I want her to be apologetic and as disappointed as me.

“I’ll walk, then.” I get up.

“Wait, you don’t have to go yet,” she protests. “There’s the rest of the film.”

“No, thanks, it’s too late. I’d better go.”

I feel hurt and stupider by the minute. I take my clothes into the bathroom and dress quickly. She doesn’t knock. When I come out, she’s standing by the door.

“I’m sorry,” she says and kisses my face. “We just have to be so careful. You understand, don’t you? We mustn’t attract attention.”

“I understand,” I repeat robotically. I leave and walk home, straight through the school campus, smoking.

I’m embarrassed by my behaviour, and it’s made worse when I have Miss P for Spanish, last lesson on Saturday morning. She has the expressionless statue face down to a T, giving nothing away, whereas I’m feeling crap about last night. It was so childish of me to strop out, but I’d waited all week to be with her. She could have said something earlier in the evening, then I’d have known what was coming.

She goes around handing back our exercise books and places mine in front of me. With her body and face turned away, she almost imperceptibly taps the cover twice with her index finger. Something tells me not to open the book, so I put it in my bag.

Back in the house, no one around, I dig it out. I don’t find anything at first but one of the pages catches as I’m leafing through, and out falls a tiny quarter-size envelope with a single “J” on the front. Inside, a little card: Sorry. Come back tonight, for a proper night. XX

It’s November 1992. I stand in her sitting room, in my blazer and tie, my school bag still hooked over my shoulder. Ali’s by the windows, closing the shutters. Despite her efforts, they don’t close fully; there are always gaps. She gives up, drops her arms by her sides, and looks at me, at last.

“I’m pregnant.”

“How?” is all I can ask, my bag slipping.

“You tell me how. Obviously, you weren’t telling the truth.”

“What? What does that mean?” I can hear my voice rising already.

“You said your balls didn’t drop until you were in your teens,” she says, adding, “or something,” sounding equally defensive and on the attack. “And that means, because I read about it, I assumed – ”

“You assumed … what?” I cut her off, my words thick in my throat, slow with disbelief, my neck burning, my bag strap slipping through damp hands.

“That you couldn’t have children,” she says, in a tone only fractionally less certain than before.

I stare at the floor, don’t answer for a whole minute.

I want to scream, “Is this a fucking joke? What fucking planet are you actually on? Instead, I just stand there, my head ringing in alarm.

I dare not open my mouth until the voice in my head has stopped swearing.

“It’s a phrase. A thing you say, that’s all.” I’m struggling to find the right words, made harder by the realisation that this grownup – someone twice my age – a teacher for God’s sake, doesn’t know this. My eyes fixed to a spot on the carpet, I say, “It’s basic biology, Ali. How don’t … I mean … didn’t you study puberty?”

“Yes, but … ”

I glance up. Now she’s staring at the carpet. I haven’t seen this look on her face before. I don’t know what to say or do.

“Shit,” she groans, then sweeps past me into the bathroom, leaving me alone with the distinct impression I’m still on the wrong side of an argument I didn’t start.

“Is this my fault?” I ask out loud, to an empty room.

I stay with Ali after the abortion. She isn’t hungry, so we don’t eat. I run her a bath and listen at the door in case she needs anything. I expect to hear her crying, releasing her emotions now she’s home. But there’s no sound from the bathroom, except for the occasional splash.

In bed, we don’t touch, but she accepts a kiss before turning over to lie on her back. Despite the exhaustion, I can’t sleep for ages. Then, when I do, I’m awoken by Ali moving about, restless.

We say goodbye in the morning, both of us with red-rimmed, sleep-deprived eyes.

“I could stay a bit longer if you like?” I say, although if I’m being honest, I would quite like to go home.

“It’s fine. I probably need some time on my own today.” We hold each other in the corridor by her front door.

“I’m sorry,” we say, at the same time, which is awkward. It’s strange how both saying sorry makes it sound less meaningful, but she manages a fragile laugh. She strokes the side of my head.

“Please, don’t ever leave me, will you?” she says, her eyes searching mine for an answer. “And don’t ever tell anyone.”

“Of course not,” I say. What else can I say?

As autumn gives way to winter, I decide to take my lead from Ali about the abortion. If she wants to talk things through, I’m ready for it, though it’s still messing with my head, and I don’t really know what I can or should say. It’s been six weeks now, and she never brings it up. Instead, she talks for ages about her year groups (which is boring), about some of the other teachers (they’re even more weird than I thought), and what she thinks about the pupils in my Spanish class (mainly about the stack of exams she must mark over the holiday).

“Including yours,” she says pointedly. Finally, she asks, “So, do you think you’ve got a place at Oxford, then?” I’m pleased she’s taken an interest, at last, in the entrance exam I sat a few weeks earlier, although her tone gives her away. She’s obviously not really interested.

“Dunno.” I shrug. “I wasn’t very focused.”

“Huh,” she mutters, lifting her coffee cup to her mouth, looking away as she sips. “Why not?”

I stare at her across the breakfast table.

“Well, because of what happened, just before.”

“What do you mean?” A slight frown appears, and it hits me that her question is genuine. I shift uncomfortably, feeling too big for my chair.

“You know … the baby?”

“Sorry, what?” Ali’s eyebrows shoot up. Her voice remains controlled, low, but the atmosphere in the room cools several degrees. “Are you … please tell me you’re not going to make that all about you. Because – ”

“No, no, of course not,” I cut in.

“Because, just to be clear, that would be inappropriate.”

She looks down at the table, like she’s thinking hard about her next words, like she might be giving me difficult feedback on a homework assignment. She lifts her head. I feel so small under her glare.

“It was my body, and you don’t see me whingeing, do you?”

Later, we make up, in bed, in our usual way.

“Her hand patters across the faint hairs on my chest. ‘If you go to Oxford, what happens to me?’”

“Thank you for asking about Oxford, anyway,” I say, when I think it’s safe enough to do so. “I know you’re not that interested.”

“You do understand why, don’t you?” Her hand patters across the faint hairs on my chest.

“No, I don’t, actually.”

“Seriously?” Her hand pauses. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Erm … ”

“If you go to Oxford, what happens to me? What will I do? Had you thought about that?”

The fact is, she’s probably right. I haven’t had the energy to think about what happens to me and her – us – if I get into Oxford. Does it have to be the end just because I’m not nearby? I figure now is not the moment to repeat my plans for deferring my university place and taking a gap year sailing across the Atlantic.

Illustration: Anna Parini/The Guardian

When I leave the flat that afternoon, my mind is spinning. One minute, I’m on a complete high, fuelled with adrenaline from 24 hours with Ali. Next minute, the rollercoaster is plummeting, because, as usual, I’ve opened my stupid mouth, rammed my foot in it, made a dreadful mess, wasted our precious time with my immaturity. When will I grow up?

If my night with Ali was hard, it’s not much easier when I get home. In fact, it’s never easy these days, since Mum moved closer and I had to leave Ned and Celia’s. It’s only been a few months, but it feels like a lifetime. The dutiful son back at home, no longer free to roam. Or at least, no longer free to see Ali as much.

As if I couldn’t feel more crap about myself, Mum is waiting for me in the kitchen, with an odd expression on her face. Sort of pity and disappointment rolled into one tilt of the head. In front of her, on the dining table, is an envelope.

“I’m sorry,” she says, her eyes following my gaze to the letter. “You didn’t get into Oxford.”

“What? How do you know?”

“I opened it completely by mistake, sweetie,” she says, very quickly on the defensive.

“Jesus, Mum.”

At Christmas Ali suggests it’s time to “take things further”. I’m excited, but a bit confused, so she spells it out: she thinks we should get engaged. And she doesn’t hang about. By New Year’s Eve, she’s been to a jeweller, and I’ve blown my entire savings, £775, on a ring.

As the spring term gets under way, we reprise our roles at school, maintain a vigilant distance. Like hitting the reset button, except now we’re carrying an even bigger secret around with us. The story is, she had a whirlwind reunion with her – fictional – Spanish boyfriend, Carlos, over the Christmas break and – ta-da! – he proposed.

Meanwhile, I’ve put that “city of dreaming spires” fantasy behind me. As Ali said, what would happen to her if I went to study in another city for three or four years? We’re engaged now; it wouldn’t be fair. For now, I’m keeping everything crossed for an offer from the local uni, which I should hear about soon. The only hitch is Mum, who’s made it clear she still expects me home on time and at weekends, insisting my grades are more important than ever, that this is no time for slacking off.

“Listen, I’ve had an idea,” Ali says one day at school, her voice animated. “I’ve got the perfect solution to kill two birds with one stone.

“What do you mean?”

She explains quickly, as a low hum of voices and hurrying feet builds in the corridor outside. The two birds are my grades and our lack of time together. Her idea is risky. In fact, it sounds like complete madness.

“OK, so I’m going to write to your mother, or maybe I’ll phone her,” she begins.

“Whoa! You’re gonna call my mum?”

“Don’t interrupt. I’m going to propose giving you some private tutorials to get your grades back on track.”

“Wait a minute,” I say. “There’s no chance she’s going to pay for private lessons on top of my school fees.”

“Aha! That’s where you’re wrong.” She claps her hands. “Because I won’t be charging, and anyway, I’ll make it seem like it’s her idea. She’ll feel as though she’s enlisting my help.”

“Hang on, hang on, how — ” I run a hand over my hair and down my neck, trying to keep up. I can’t see how this is Mum’s idea.

“I haven’t got to the best bit. The other bird!” She drums on her desk. “Where do you think these tutorials are going to take place?” She grins.

“At … your place?”

“Wrong! At yours!” She laughs, and my jaw drops open.

“Are you kidding me? That will blow our cover.”

“Not with this, it won’t.” She holds up her ring finger, wiggling it with the pad of her thumb so that the diamond catches the light. “Won’t she be delighted for me, when I tell her the happy news about me and Carlos?”

I’m about to answer, when the door swings wide open and an unstoppable herd of uniforms and bags piles in.

“Right, thank you. Hand it in by next lesson,” I hear Ali call, as I’m spun out of the room by the twist of bodies.

Home tutoring works just as Ali planned – and eventually increases to weekly visits. It’s great, especially when Mum disappears and we can slip into my bedroom, though I have mixed feelings when I watch Mum and Ali chatting away like friends over coffee. I’ve lost count of the number of lies we’ve told, so I can’t tell whether it’s bad or harmless that we’ve pulled Mum into our web.

What I am sure of is that I have split myself in two. I’ve carved out two distinct versions of me. Old me, who goes to school, sits in lessons, does homework, sings in chapel, chats to the lads about nothing important. Other me, who exists in a parallel universe of secrecy orbiting Ali, lying on demand, pretending I’m not a teenager but a real grown-up man.

Then, the worst happens. We are exposed. It’s a couple of weeks before school breaks up for Easter. I’m in the library, working on a German essay about Schubert, which I intend to regurgitate in the A-level written exam next term. From the other end of the long room, I hear the door open and close emphatically, then feet walking hurriedly down the aisle. I look up.

It’s Ali. I’m not overly surprised to see her. She has a copy of my timetable, so that she always knows where I am, if she needs me. In a study period, like today, the library is a good bet. Her face is white, and she’s lost her composure. Furtively glancing around, checking the other bays beyond mine to make sure we’re alone, she sinks into a chair on the opposite side of the table, head in her hands.

“I have just been spoken to,” she begins, her breath catching in her throat as she tries to gather herself, “at break, in the staffroom. A warning. Jesus!” She throws her head back, lips pursed tightly, eyes wet at their rims, wide as though she’s fighting the impulse to blink.

“A warning – about what?” I say, frowning.

“Us,” she says, breathing heavily, staring at me, before wiping her eyes with her hand.

Someone – Mr Roberts, the teacher who spoke to her, wouldn’t say who – told him that someone else had told him that they’d heard Ali had been seen with a pupil. I ask where we’d been seen, by whom, and who are all these teachers spreading this shit?

“It’s a rumour mill,” she says wearily, like it’s not her first time, “and, evidently, it’s on the move, if that many people are talking.”

“Shit, shit, shit,” is all I can say.

“Yes, exactly, shit,” she adds.

Over the following days, paranoia grows inside me. In every lesson, every assembly, at lunch in the dining hall, in the library, I see faces staring at me, eyeing me with suspicion, and I’m convinced they all know, the whole school. Any minute, there will be a summons to the headmaster’s office and that will be that. I’ll be out. And shit, what about Ali – will she lose her job? Or worse, face the police? Ali said once that our relationship isn’t illegal, so they can’t lock her up or anything.

Soon, it hits me; the teachers are ignoring me. They don’t return my greetings in the corridor. When I have my hand up in class, I’m overlooked.

Then Mr Grice makes a snide comment when addressing the German set about final preparations for the written exams. “Everyone needs to pull out all the stops to score highly in these papers. There are no short cuts – at least not if you’re studying German.” He pauses, shuffles something around on his desk, then adds, not looking up. “Perhaps it’s different if you’re taking another language and getting special attention.”

None of the others appear to register the comment, but he may as well have walked over and landed a massive fist in my gut.

Next, my other German teacher, Mr Siddel, someone who, Ali tells me, has always had a thing for her, starts picking on me. He takes any opportunity to single me out with particularly difficult questions, usually around grammar.

“Got a bit of a dandruff problem, haven’t you, Gibson?” he says out of the blue one day. “You want to get that treated,” he persists, as several bottoms shift uneasily in their seats. “Then again, it’s all part of being an adolescent, isn’t it?”

The silence that follows seems to stretch on and on. I try to breathe, calm and steady, hold my nerve. But I fail. I snap.

“I might be an adolescent, but at least I’m not a … cunt.”

The next morning, after house assembly, when all the boys have dispersed, my tutor, Mr Batsford, calls me into his office. I sit, numb, in the chair on the other side of his desk, awaiting the inevitable bollocking.

But it doesn’t come. Instead, he considers me through steepled fingers pressed to his mouth.

“I don’t know what’s going on, and in many ways, I don’t want to know. What I do know is that you can’t call a teacher a – that word. Even if we’ve all been close, on occasion,” he adds in muffled tones.

“Am I going to be expelled, sir?”

“What? Lord no. You’re going to stay, sit your exams, do your best, and keep your head down.” After another weary pause, he continues. “I’ve heard what people, my colleagues, have been muttering, and I have to tell you, I don’t like mutterings, gossip, tittle-tattle,” he says, with feeling. “However, they’ve been hard to ignore, these things that are being talked about … about … you and Miss … So, I decided to speak to her myself.” At this, he hoists himself upright, while I sink lower.

“I am content with what she told me. The extra tuition was requested, I understand, by your mother. I respect why Miss P decided to keep this arrangement under her proverbial hat. She also explained the reason you’ve been seen with her off campus.” His tone changes, softens. “I just wish you’d come to me first, Joseph, when you were experiencing these difficulties at home. I had no idea how your parents’ divorce was affecting you.”

‘I was thinking about you this morning, about everything you’ve told me,” my friend Pete says, one day in the spring of 2010. I am 34, living on a canal boat, out of my depth and on my own for the first time in 17 years. Pete and I have been meeting up every weekend since I arrived on the cut, with me cycling along the canal to his mooring. It’s not therapy, he says, he’s just happy to listen. He’s watched me fall and picked me up, got me back on a level, of sorts.

“‘You do realise, don’t you,’ my friend Pete says years later, ‘it’s abuse, lad’”

“You realise, don’t you,” he continues, “if that happened in a school today, there’d be police, lawyers, a court case. It’s a criminal offence and there’s good reason for that. Look at the toll it’s taken on you. No wonder you’re not over it. It’s abuse, lad.”

“Oh, come on, Pete. I let it happen. It takes two – ”

“Don’t even finish that two-to-tango bollocks. It’s not the point. She was 35. You were 17, for Christ’s sake. A kid.

“What I want to know is, what happened next? I mean, you were still with her when you left school. When did it end?” I sip my beer and turn sideways so I can look out on to the bank and the bridge. I stroke my hand across my face and cup my chin.

“About four weeks ago.”

I run Pete through the main events of the intervening years. How she convinced me not to take my gap year and go straight to university. How three years later, aged 21, I stumbled out of there with a second-class degree, a ring on my finger, a sensible haircut, and a one-year-old in a buggy.

“Wait, what? You had a baby while you were still a student?”

“Yep.” I shake my head. “Married at the end of my first year. Baby at the end of my second year.”

“Fuck!” Pete fills the cabin with noise.

“That third year was surreal. Ali was still teaching and I would have to bring the baby into school at break times so Ali could feed him. I’d stand there in the staff room, a pariah, surrounded by my former teachers. I always expected someone to voice their disapproval, make a snide remark. But no, they never said anything. Just blanked me.”

“Wow. Do you think they were in denial?”

“Possibly. That is the default position of those types of schools.”

Ali left teaching as soon as she got pregnant with our second. I think the school was only too glad to see the back of her. How they let her stay when our first was born, I still don’t really know. Perhaps they were anxious about repercussions if they made her redundant, even despite the circumstances. “Posh School Sacks Pregnant Teacher” wouldn’t have been an attractive headline.

After that I changed jobs every couple of years, chasing the bigger salary to keep everyone happy – “everyone” being Ali and her parents. Basically, she made the decisions. We were living according to her plan.

I explain how, eventually, I burnt out. A midlife crisis, I suppose, except it was about 15 or 20 years before most men. The doctor signed me off work with exhaustion. The strain chipped away. As much as I loved being a dad, I was failing as a husband. Failed as a son, too; all those lies.

I was numb inside. Bit by bit, the barrel of my life was emptying and then, something happened. I began to see a new path opening before me. Or, at least, a path that diverged from Ali’s. For years, I still believed a time would come for our adventures. That we would leave the cul-de-sac of our life and try something different with the kids – live somewhere new, another part of the country, another country entirely. But she had no intention of changing her life.

Pete and I sit staring at the deck, both locked in our own thoughts.

“I have to ask,” he says, at last, lifting his head. “While you’re beating yourself up about the past, what’s Ali doing? I mean, does she feel guilty about what she did?”

“Ha! Are you kidding?” I snort. “Not for a second. No way. Lately, of course, she’s just focused on her anger towards me for leaving her. I get that. But Ali feel guilty? Ali take responsibility for how this all started? Not a chance. As far as she’s concerned, this is all on me.”

— Joe Gibson is a Pseudonym. This is an edited extract from Seventeen, published by Simon & Schuster on 20 July.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fic Titles Starting With A/An Masterlist

A burden (ao3) - loyal_phan

Summary: A late night conversation turns sour after Dan accidentally offends his blind boyfriend

A Christmas Fantasy (ao3) - Emejig16

Summary: Phil finds a secret diary of Dan’s, and unlike the first time he found one, this one is considerably different.

A Christmas Miracle (ao3) - scifi

Summary: dan tells his grandma about phil

a decent chap (ao3) - calvinahobbes, yikesola

Summary: “The fabled danisnotonfire.” Martyn can’t help a smirk when the poor boy’s eyes flicker quickly away from his at the mention of his Twitter handle. “Welcome. You boys want a nightcap?”

A Good Day (ao3) - winstonlives

Summary: Domestic day with Dan and Phil. It's autumn. Just a warm and cozy fic about two idiots who love each other.

A Match a Day Since 1965 (ao3) - nebulous_frog

Summary: Phil works at a diner with a sign that says "Matching soulmates daily since 1965” and he never really understood it until one day, he did.

Everyone has a soulmate and you know you've met them when you injure yourself in front of them. Marks show where and how badly you will be injured.

A Midsummer Night's Dream (to change a life) (ao3) - croissantbleu Summary: Dan Howell is a rising star in theatre, Phil Lester is an actor acclaimed by the audience and the critique. They both get a role in the same play.

An Ancient Curse - washedoutgay

Summary: Phil is trying desperately hard to find his soulmate, but it’s getting harder with each passing year when he has barely any idea of where or who they may be.

An Angel In A Leather Jacket (ao3) - bakingphaninmymind

Summary: An argument starts it all. Hell comes after for Dan Howell, the school pastel boy. He only wanted to help, but got backstabbed in the end. From safe position in the school hierarchy, Dan is up to neck in an affair he never had and starts finding threats in his locker. He needs someone on his side if he wants to make it to the end of high school. A mysterious punk boy promises him protection. The condition he needs to meet, though, is far from normal.

An Angel Out of the Blue (ao3) - Otpcruiseliner

Summary: Dan had always been somewhat of a loner, and he was fine with that. But he had never really been super close with any one person. Now given an opportunity for class extra credit, he is partnered up with a strange, tall, angelic boy with the brightest blue eyes he had ever seen. First piece on here, so please enjoy.

An Angel To Chase The Devil At Night - camisadan

Summary: Based on the song Preacher by OneRepublic.

An Appropriate Photo To Share Today - secretlywritingstories

Summary: Phil just published Coming Out To You last night and he wakes with a sense of accomplishment in his heart and so much love for the boy sleeping next to him. It’s an appropriate time to share a photo of him bathed in rainbows.

An Arranged Marriage (ao3 - MarriedPhan1234

Summary: Dan and Phil are forced to marry each other, even though they've never met. Differing life experiences leave the boys unsure of how this could possibly work.

An Arrowhead In The Right Place - chocolatesaucelester

Summary: At birth everyone is given a half to a special necklace that your soulmate has the other half to. As you get closer to your soulmate the necklace gets warmer. Phil has yet to find his soulmate and is afraid he’s going to miss his chance, just like the first time the necklace got warm.

An Artist's Muse - jilliancares

Summary: Phil is a (sleep deprived) artist, and Dan is his muse, though he doesn’t know it (yet).

An Eventful Night - dxnhowell

Summary: Chris and Louise just wanted Dan to have a night of fun because Dan’s the kind of guy who doesn’t go out for fun, practically doesn’t even know what fun is. So Chris and Louise drag him out of the house, even if it involves sneaking into a bar, but they didn’t expect Dan’s night to turn so sour.

A New Normal - crescendohowell

Summary: Dan and Phil’s relationship through Phil having a verbally abuse girlfriend and Dan kicking her out.  They kinda have a thing both before and after.  Oh yeah, it ends in butt sex so there’s that.

An Experiment Gone Right - phansomedevil

Summary: At a party, Phil suggests an experiment to test if he and Dan really are 100 percent platonic. What, after all, would happen if they kissed?

A Night Out (ao3) - developerdaniel

Summary: Phil gasped softly as his back ran into the door that was now behind him. His tongue tangled with Dan's as they breathed hot and heavy into each other's mouths, a desire to explore coursing through the both of them as they moved. Dan gave up on making it into his bedroom as he dropped down to his knees, his hands gracefully sliding down Phil's toned torso until his fingers rested against the waistband of Phil's rather tight jeans. ~*~*~ aka the fic where phil decides to go out for the night and ends up going home with dan for a hookup and a great time

A Picture is Worth (ao3) - Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)

Summary: Dan is a student photographer who finds comfort in taking photos. Phil is the older man who is finally confronting Dan on why he’s trespassing on his dock.

A safe place (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: The world is dominated by demon-like beings who drink human blood and eat human meat to survive. They look like humans, but they lack humanity. One ordinary night, an unusually kind demon called Phil decides to save a traumatised human slave on a whim.

A Shitty Proposal (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: Dan's proposal doesn't go as planned...

A Slow Descent - phan-panda

Summary: Falling in love with your best friend is a secret usually best left untold. Phil Lester, however, has never been good at keeping secrets.

A Stolen Ring (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan’s not normal. Why? He's not human, he has a mysterious ring, and he hates Phil Lester. They have a strange past, one filled with bullying and avoidance, but when Dan turns into an incubus, everything changes. He struggles with his identity and cries himself to sleep most nights, yearning to be normal. And somehow the universe makes it worse by bringing him and Phil together - in the most literal sense.

a stranger in a bar on valentine's day (ao3) - iihappydaysii

Summary: it’s valentine’s day 2009 and phil meets an attractive and mysterious man at a bar .

A whale of a time (ao3) - lazyphannie

Summary: Dan's horny and Phil's still sleeping.

A YouTuber and a Raptor Trainer Walk into a Bar (ao3) - Allthephils

Summary: Dan and Phil made an agreement that they got a free pass to hookup with their celebrity crushes if the opportunity ever arose. Here's what happened when it did.