#drawing mike rutherford

[hammill-goes-fogwalking]

/listening to ITCOTCK for the very first time, do not disturb/

[codlingsimp]

I tried to make a Mike portrait >_<

I had a good time although😊😊

[spilladabalia]

The Supernatural Anaesthetist Illustrated

Genesis - Here Comes The Supernatural Anaesthetist

[torson]

Experts from my current sketchbook ~ graphite on rice paper.

[unholy-fabray]

OKAY I'm trying to decide who to draw next, help me out!

[freaxs-blog]

🎶 Supper's Ready by Genesis 🎶⁣ ⁣ If you're a fan of progressive rock, you've probably heard this epic song from the early '70s. But do you know the full story behind it? ⁣ ⁣ "Supper's Ready" is a 23-minute masterpiece that tells the story of the Apocalypse, drawing from various religious and mythological sources. The song is divided into seven parts, each with its own distinctive sound and mood. It's a true journey through sound and storytelling. ⁣

"Supper's Ready" is a highly ambitious and musically intricate work that showcases Genesis' unique style and storytelling ability. It remains a favorite among fans of progressive rock and is considered a classic of the genre. ⁣ Genesis was formed in the late '60s in England, and "Supper's Ready" was released on their 1972 album "Foxtrot." The band's lineup at the time included Peter Gabriel on vocals, Tony Banks on keyboards, Mike Rutherford on bass and guitar, Steve Hackett on guitar, and Phil Collins on drums. The song remains one of their most beloved and iconic works.⁣ ⁣ Peter Gabriel's wife, Jill, is said to have come up with the song's title after a meal with the band. She reportedly said, "Supper's ready!" and the band thought it would make a great song title.⁣ ⁣ If you haven't heard "Supper's Ready" before, do yourself a favor and give it a listen. You won't regret it. 🤘🎸⁣ ⁣

[rat-poisonn]

genesis as a collective is just a really funny concept to me

[flavia-draws]

i have this notebook page of cursed genesis drawings i’ll post sometime soon

i fuckin love drawing Tony banks

[sea-of-machines]

Mike and Ant (with Mike's yellow ford anglia)

[seventhmoonforreal]

quick digital doodle i did of a smol watcher of the skies <3 ((i just wanted to try new drawing styles ggghh)) pretty please tell me what you think and remember feedback is always appreciated! <3

[geddy-spageddy]

happy birthday, mike! 02•X•1950

[armidea]

@hadescavedish :P (I couldn’t resist....) 

[armidiia]

Please call. :P 

[tabloidtoc]

OK, December 21

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Queen Elizabeth cancels Christmas

Page 1: Big Pic -- David Beckham in an ad for Haig Club 

Page 2: Contents 

Page 4: Bella and Olivia Jade Giannulli -- life on their own -- find out what Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli’s daughters have been up to while their famous parents sweat it out in prison -- Bella has been so stressed out and felt she deserved a trip with her buds so she went to a luxury resort in Santa Barbara over Thanksgiving weekend 

Page 6: It’s been a little over a year since Felicity Huffman was released from prison after serving her time for role in the college admissions scandal but she is finally starting to get her life and career back on track -- initially she was nervous about working again given the controversy and everything that went down and she seriously wondered if there would be anything out there for her material-wise but she shouldn’t have worried as she landed a part in an upcoming pilot in which she’ll play a recently widowed owner of a Triple-A baseball team and she’s really excited about the show 

Page 7: Kristin Cavallari is fed up with Carrie Underwood’s meddling in her divorce from Jay Cutler -- after Kristin called time on her seven-year marriage Carrie and her husband Mike Fisher who used to be Nashville couple-friends to both Kristin and Jay have taken Jay’s side and since then there’s been some snide stuff said that’s made it clear how Carrie really fills about Kristin -- while Jay spent Thanksgiving with Carrie and Mike, Kristin filmed a wine-fueled Instagram Live and Carrie finds this type of thirsty behavior on social media incredibly lame and she’s saying it’s obvious Kristin cares more about upping her profile than making any type of family peace 

* After nearly 60 years in showbiz Cher has a different aspirations -- since traveling to Pakistan to help a mistreated elephant from a local zoo be relocated to an animal sanctuary she’s saying this is her new mission to help endangered species in third world countries and campaign for other good eco causes -- Cher spends much of her time cooped up and bored in her Malibu mansion and her trip made her realize there’s a world out there that needs her help 

* Mark Harmon of NCIS is all work and no play these days and nearly two decades in the same TV gig as Leroy Gibbs has only made things worse as the responsibilities of the show seem to wear heavier on Mark by the year and even on a break you can’t get him to crack a smile or tell a joke; he’d rather go lie down in his trailer -- off set Mark and his wife of 33 years Pam Dawber get along because they’re such homebodies and Mark can usually be found working on his cars in the garage or relaxing in the yard and he cherishes his quiet time but people have stopped inviting him out because he’s known as Mr. Boring 

Page 8: Dolly Parton is spreading Christmas cheer far and wide with a new TV special and album and Netflix movie but at her home in Tennessee the holiday spirit is decidedly lacking because Dolly is forgoing her favorite 40-year-running traditions which are filling her house with trees and driving her nieces and nephews and their kids around her farm in golf carts dressed as Santa and handing out presents because of her concern for her husband Carl Dean who has Alzheimer’s disease and he’s in a high-risk group for coronavirus so she’s restricted the property to just them and two staff members -- it breaks Dolly’s heart to have to cancel her big annual celebration and she’s still decorated her home to the nines but it’s a lonely feeling knowing the family won’t be there to see it 

* Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton are proving themselves to be perfectly postmodern parents by raising their kids Prince George and Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis with firm rules for TV and electronic use -- Kate who recently revealed she’s fielded her share of temper tantrums actively attempts to stave off meltdowns with a strict rewards chart and the kids have to earn screen time -- Kate prefers to keep them busy with activities like board games and hikes and baking which the children enjoy anyway

* After spending the last several years living a relatively low-key life in his native England Russell Brand is desperate to have a bigger presence in Hollywood but his wife Laura insists he stay put -- Russell’s craving SoCal living and the copious acting jobs and event invites that came with it but Laura prefers their British life outside the spotlight with their young daughters -- while some work has come to him in England like the upcoming Death on the Nile if he had his way he’d make a more aggressive career push in L.A. 

Page 10: Red Hot on the Red Carpet -- stars stand out in festive green dresses -- Carly Pearce, Angela Bassett, Zendaya 

Page 11: Jodie Comer, Adriana Lima 

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Melissa Gorga vs. Jennifer Lahmers, Abigail Spencer vs. Hailey Bieber in Max Mara, Olivia Culpo vs. Aurora Culpo 

Page 14: News in Photos -- Brooke Burke with Christmas ornaments that will be auctioned by non-profit Operation Smile 

Page 16: Audrina Patridge brought along her daughter Kirra’s favorite toys for a picnic in Beverly Hills, Padma Lakshmi visits The Vitamin Shoppe in NYC, Brandy at the BET Soul Train Awards 

Page 17: Kelly Rutherford felt the love from her dogs in L.A., Shawn Mendes out for a walk in Miami 

Page 21: Robin Wright and husband Clement Giraudet held hands while riding their bikes in L.A., long-time friends Gabrielle Union and Snoop Dogg unpacked ingredients delivered by Shipt 

Page 22: Josh Duhamel on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Karlie Kloss on her new Adidas collection 

Page 24: Vanessa Hudgens snuggled up to her beloved pup Darla while at the park in L.A., Jay-Z taking a walk around the island in Hawaii 

Page 25: Kimora Lee Simmons and her children handed out food to residents of a housing complex, Prince Jackson safely helped a community church distribute food to those in need 

Page 26: Inside My Home -- Ariel Winter’s stylish setup 

Page 28: Like most Garth Brooks and wife Trisha Yearwood have had a challenging 2020 but their 15-year marriage was put to the test this past summer when the country superstars’ daughter Allie tested positive for Covid-19 -- they were worried sick and had to go into quarantine themselves and not being able to hold Allie’s hand was terrible for both of them but fortunately Allie’s case was mild and Garth and Trisha’s tests came back negative 

Page 30: Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott who have amicably coparented their daughter Stormi since their split last year and recently spent Thanksgiving together as a family are drawing up plans to have another baby together in 2021 because both of them want to give Stormi a sibling ASAP and neither can imagine going through this process with anyone else -- the exes are figuring out a contract to specify their family plans that will protect Kylie’s money and outline coparenting terms more formally and give them each an agreeable share of custody if things don’t stay as rosy down the line

* They’ve costarred in five films and have proclaimed they’re each other’s work wives and are finally single at the same time so pals of Jennifer Aniston and Jason Sudeikis are urging the longtime friends to give it a go romantically especially now that Jason has split from Olivia Wilde -- Jennifer always says Jason makes her laugh the way no one else can -- while Jason’s primarily focusing on coparenting his kids he’s long harbored warm and fuzzy feelings toward Jen and he would love to ask her out but the only thing holding him back is the potential to ruin their solid friendship

* Love Bites -- Johnny Galecki and Alaina Meyer split, Rihanna and A$AP Rocky dating, Jonathan Bennett and Jaymes Vaughan engaged 

Page 31: Matthew Perry’s loved ones are worried the Friends star has made a rash call by suddenly getting engaged to literary manager Molly Hurwitz -- the on-off two-year romance between Matthew and Molly has been dysfunctional from the get-go and Matthew’s way more into this than Molly who seems to love him more like a brother

* A rough year for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle including inter-family strife and a move across the pond and a devastating miscarriage has only strengthened their bond -- after Meghan revealed she and Harry had miscarried in July the two were quite overwhelmed by the outpouring of compassion and the response not only validated their decision to go public a thousand times over but it also helped them grow even closer -- they’re determined to put this behind them and try for another baby at the earliest opportunity but more than anything else it’s really underlined how they belong together as soulmates 

Page 32: Cover Story -- Queen Elizabeth’s holiday shake-up -- inside the monarch’s heartbreaking decision to call off the family’s annual Christmas celebration -- the queen will celebrate the holidays at Windsor Castle in Berkshire for the first time in more than three decades -- while the queen is upset not to have the company of the younger royals this year she has to think about her and Prince Philip’s health 

Page 36: Katie Holmes’ season of joy -- how Katie is spending the holidays with her new love Emilio Vitolo Jr. 

Page 38: Mistaken Identity -- with these celeb look-alikes it’s deja vu all over again -- Carrie Underwood and Reese Witherspoon, Daniel Radcliffe and Elijah Wood 

Page 39: Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher, Lucy Hale and Selena Gomez 

Page 40: Interview -- Tommy Lee’s new beat -- the veteran rock star opens up about his latest solo album and his new fan base 

Page 42: Gal Power -- how Wonder Woman actress Gal Gadot gets into superhero shape 

Page 43: Fight Club -- these buttkicking superheroines pushed themselves to new limits -- Brie Larson, Scarlett Johansson, Danai Gurira 

Page 46: Style -- Zendaya for Lancome’s new mascara 

Page 48: Sleek activewear from celeb-loved label Gigi C Bikinis makes it easy to look like a star when you work out 

Page 49: 5 minutes with Adrienne Bailon 

Page 54: Entertainment 

Page 58: Buzz -- Disney Holiday Singalong featuring Ryan Seacrest, Katy Perry, Pink and daughter Willow, Ciara and her kids Future and Sienna 

Page 60: Sound Bites -- Nelly on feeling disappointed with placing third on Dancing With the Stars, Kaley Cuoco on husband Karl Cook’s social media presence, Megan Fox on first meeting boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly 

Page 61: Paul McCartney on why he doesn’t like taking pictures with fans, Cardi B joking about how her 2-year-old crashed her selfie video 

Page 62: Horoscope -- Sagittarius Vanessa Hudgens turned 32 on December 14 

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Dan Levy 

[rockandrollfool]

Grief And The Healing Power Of Music

I find myself in the rather weird position of having listened to three Genesis albums in the last week. I am not complaining, however they are not normally a band I would listen to. As a grown man and consenting adult it would appear I gave myself permission to exercise this choice. Autonomy can be a bind and extremely confusing at times like these.

I am well aware of why this has happened. My Mother died less than two weeks ago and I now find myself revisiting songs, albums and artists from my teenage years. Tully (2017) suggests that music can have a role in helping a bereaved person accept death ‘as part of our everyday lives’ and more importantly, we then find meaning through the experience of grief. I dispute the concept of meaning as for the last fortnight I have felt lost, overwhelmed and more than a little confused. I am aware however that grief is linear, in that, it has stages and we navigate these in whatever order is relevant to each of us. Genesis though?

I haven’t listened to Genesis in a mighty long time. Well why would you? The ‘progressive rock’ movement left a nasty after taste for me, and therefore I ‘progressed’ on to pastures new and genres that gave voice to a political awakening. You might like Pink Floyd, Yes, Camel and Van Der Graf Generator but they left me cold and I never understood the reverence and undying love many of my friends had for this music. I still don’t. The progarchives.com offer that by definition ‘prog’ was “a mostly British attempt to elevate rock music to new levels of artistic credibility” (on-line) and bands at the time tried to push ‘rocks technical and compositional boundaries’. No honestly they did. Honestly.

In 1978 I was already besotted with punk and the clarion call to ‘never trust a hippy’ aimed directly at Richard Branson, or so it felt, owner of Virgin Records, who would and should shoulder full responsibility for the awful Mike Oldfield album, Tubular Bells. I digress though.

Heather Fellows (2020) makes the case, that music can offer ‘a safe space to feel the emotion of loss’. Those three to four minutes represent a beginning, middle and an end where we can bawl, yelp, shout and cry knowing we are contained in that time and space, safe and in turn we have sanctuary. Fellows talks about music being the outlet for the big emotions, arguing “when we listen to music that moves us, it’s hard to avoid our feelings. This can be a good thing” Fellows (2020). Through grief we can lose the sense of who we are and therefore identity can be transient. We are a child, sister, brother, friend, parent and the competing demands of these roles during a time of loss and bereavement can create a whole set of other feelings and a personal agenda which we struggle to reconcile. With this in mind music can reaffirm who we are and more importantly re-establish our spiritual roots, a reminder of self, of purpose and where we came from. Genesis though?

DiMaio (2017) argues that research conducted by O Callaghan (2013) evidences a highly nuanced relationship between people that are bereaved and music. The findings evidence that 70% of people involved felt that music helped them find “meaning and beauty in life” after the death of someone close. Equally people found that music helped confront pain and find meaning at a time when logic felt in very short supply. The participants were able to share stories, memories, thoughts, feelings and insights related to music and grief. In most cases people were able to confront their pain, adapt to loss and continue to develop a bond with the person that has died.

I cannot attribute any of the above to my current on-going audio relationship with Genesis. The 1978 album “then there were three” (Virgin Records) has proved quite a ‘rock’ in terms of support a and mechanism to revisit some of my memories of my Mum and particularly how those are located within the context of our family home. I find myself back in my old bedroom and music seems like the passage and avenue to how I now understand the world.

I would love to claim all those cool cultural reference points that others so frequently throw into conversations when considering their teenage influences. However it’s feels like I was adrift on an ocean all of my own making. Boston, The Electric Light Orchestra, Kansas, Cheap Trick, Sweet, Wizzard, Slade, T.Rex and Bowie, are not really the stuff of the cool kids at the time. Not too sure they are now.

I recently penned a piece regarding the lead singer of Boston, Brad Delp. I now know exactly why. I was readying myself for all that was about to happen. Don’t get me wrong I will stand by that first self-titled Boston album until the day I draw my last breath. However in the context of my Mum’s death I can’t help but feel that Brad, and the rest of the Boston chaps were steadying me, and reminding me that my life is so much ‘more than a feeling’ (Epic Records 1976). I could listen to that album track by track over and over. It’s a soundtrack isn’t it and a gentle reminder of the teenage Brian Mitchell and his Mum. The never ending threats regarding what would happen “if I didn’t turn that racket down’.

Tousley (2017) argues that people have known for hundreds of years that music can touch the soul, and it can heal us in the most profound of ways. It helps us remember the person that has died and it can bring ”balance, peace and harmony back into our lives, even if only for a moment” (griefhealingblog.com 2017) That seems to make sense, right here and now to be fair. I am still not too sure about the Genesis thing though.

As an aside, whilst listening to the album ‘then there were three’ in the car, I pulled up at some traffic lights and became acutely aware I had the widow down and anyone in the immediate vicinity would have heard ‘snowbound’ or ‘scene’s from a night’s dream’ emanating from within the vehicle. Needless to say I quickly turned down the volume and raised the window. I am not that ‘out and proud’ I’m afraid.

For now though I feel connected to my Mum. I always will. In the blog songsoflossandhealing.com the author argues that music ‘speaks simultaneously to both body and mind’ (2021) and that through listening to songs and tunes it allows us to really connect with “the indelible part in you that a loved one leaves in you and allows that part to live on through music” (2021) I adore this. It resonates on so many levels. It also explains the Genesis thing. So messrs Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks, I’ll follow you, no need to follow me though chaps. I had very little credibility to start with. Don't take what shred of self respect I have now, if that is ok?

Blog dedicated to Joan Mitchell – My Mum

Much love

The Rock And Roll Fool

[gotmattitude]

leave me with a price to pay

WHO: Santana Lopez ( @trickstersantana ) & Matt Rutherford.

WHAT: Santana has something important to tell Matt.

WHEN: May 28th, 2019.

WHERE: Sciron 106.

WARNINGS: stabbing, racism, transphobia, dysphoria, dehumanization, murder, gore, body image issues.

Santana tries really hard to not run to Matt's sciron door, but she definetivelly walks fasts. The place is a disaster after the earthquakes, but it's now or never. Later the security would be too much. She carries desperation, anger, exitement, helpleness and a knife in her bag. Next to her Hamlet book and a talisman. Before knocking at the door, she adjust her sunglasses. I can't wait to crush them on the floor when I stop needing them. She knows she didn't prepare Matt as she did with Elise or Ryder, but it has to be now before her fake family does something or Matt decides to go to doppel camp. "...hi?" She says really high and softly. She can't even talk because of the nerves. She tries again. "Open the fucking door!"

Matt grumbles under his breath when he hears Santana's voice, almost falling out of the chair as he makes his way to the door. "Jesus, I'm coming," he says, but shakes it off as he pulls it open. She said it was important, and there hadn't even been some biting comment about Marley ending the world or anything. He wonders what it's about. "Hey," he greets, and steps aside to let her in. "What's up?"

Santana enters without saying anything, and closes the door behind her. Then locks it. Then she looks at Matt, wondering where to start. "Alright so, as I have been telling you sometimes, I need help for...a really important thing. That I have been wanting to do for years." She says, very serious and still nervous, like a little girl on her birthday wondering if she is finally tall enough to ride the rollercoaster. One little girl that takes rollercoaster really seriously as her main goal in life. That wasn't a good metaphor. She tries to continue. "And for that I need your trust, my friend." And your kidney. "For me this is death or life, alright? Will you do it, Matt?"

Matt finds himself crossing his arms over his chest as the aura kicks in, but he pushes through it. Behind the aura, the uncertainty, and probably just straight-up nervousness at seeing his friend like this, serious and a little vulnerable, there's the friendship, the history. "I trust you with my goddamn life, Santana." A cascade of doubt starts nudging against him. What if she asks him to kill someone? What if she's just fucking with him? What if she's been manipulating him into thinking they're friends just for this--That's just the aura. It's the aura. It's only the aura. "What do you need?"

Santana tries to contain her smile, but she can't. She hopes it doesn't look suspicious, or too evil."Ha ha...thank you, my dear friend." That's just what I need. She takes Matt's right hand with her hands. Holding it, looking at them. Then at him, hoping he won't laught. "I need you to help me become a human being."

Matt's chest jolts when she smiles, and he's not sure what that means. He squeezes her hand with his, not taking his eyes off of hers, holding his breath. And when she does look at him, another jolt. Is it fear? Hesitation? Endearment? He can't make sense of anything he's feeling, and he breathes out slowly. His eyebrows are furrowed and his gaze shifts down to their hands for a moment. This is years in the making and she's asking him. He looks back up to her, and swallows, steadying his voice. "How are we gonna do that?"

Santana keeps staring at him, but not really looking, when he answers. Why do you accept it so easily? No questioning. Of course she wants to be a human. Why would anyone question that, even if she never talked about it with almost anyone. This is just what you wanted it."I..." She stops holding Matt's hand to search in her bag for the book of Hamlet. She shows Matt, even when she knows it wouldn't mean anything to him. "There is a magic ritual for it. But it needs like, true trust for it. A trust already hard to get for normal people, so you can imagine how hard is for tricksters." She explains, nervously, hugging the book again.

Matt looks at the book, as he gets increasingly nervous. His magic, ordinary and popular, already uses pieces of death to perform spells. What does a magical ritual to transform someone into a human being entail? Massive amounts of energy. His energy? His body? It takes him a second of processing to really hear what Santana's saying. "The aura," he says, biting on the inside of his cheek, and stays quiet for a long second. He understands, he guesses. But she'd never given him a reason not to trust her, and a spark of bitterness rises up from his stomach. Normal people, she'd said. Not an animal. "This is what you want, right? That's how you see yourself."

Santana opens the book. For Matt, it couldn't look more normal. If he tries to read it, it's just Shakespeare's Hamlet. She sees the illusion that floats above the pages, showing the shared knowledge of thousand of tricksters. She moves her hand to go to her favorite page: Human Sacrifices Rituals. She puts the book open on top of Matt's bed. Obviously, she knows it from memory. But only tricksters could see the illusion. If she can see the book as just a book after it, she knows it worked. "Yes. This is what I want. I never wanted anything more in my life than this." She says. "Do you have charcoal or chalk or something? I have to draw a circle in the floor." She doesn't, but that way it looks more real. "I'll clean it after it."

Matt's heart is gaining speed, palms sweaty. He glances down at the book and raises an eyebrow. "Did Shakespeare hide messages in all of his books?" It's a stupid question, and his laugh at the end of it is nervous, but the tension has been building steadily since Santana sent that text, and a part of him is craving easiness right now. When she confirms this is what she wants, he takes one of her hands, and nods. "Then I guess this is what we're doing today." At her request, he digs through his hoodoo altar to the side of the room, and scoops up pieces of loose charcoal, and hands them to Santana. A charcoal circle is vaguely familiar, unlike the rest of the ritual, so it provides a sort of relief. "Sorry it's not in great shape." He chews on his lip for a moment, gears turning. "What should I do?"

Santana laughs a bit, not genuine, the laugh you give to a person who is trying to make a fun joke and fails, but you laugh because you are friends with that person. "Hahaha, no. It's just a cover. I think it's Hamlet because of the infinite m...an infinite whatever theorem. I don't think it matters much."  She mentions while taking the charcoal, she doesn't mind the shape, and drawing some fancy magic circle with a lot of details. She actually didn't know how to draw, so she illusioned an actual nice drawing. "Hey, it's a trust ritual. It's all about that. So I can't tell you what's about. You have to trust me." She says. "So if there is a point you don't, tell me. Pretending you do won't work." She explains, unsure. She finishes the pretending drawing. She stands up and points at it. "Lie there. Face up."

Matt didn't know Santana could draw, and it's captivating to look at her adding more detail to the circle, so he sits on his bed, watching her. It adds to his confidence that she knows what she's doing. "Okay," he says, wiping off the sweat from his palms on his pants while she's distracted with the drawing. "No questions." He follows her around with his eyes as she draws, a light chuckle trapped in his chest. "I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm nervous. And yeah, the aura's there. But I don't have to pretend." He's supposed to lie on the circle. Of course. Because this is a magic ritual. He thinks of Quinn for a moment, trapped in her own body. Would that happen to him too? The aura. It's the aura. Santana is badass, and great at her magic. It's just the aura talking. He stands from his spot on the bed, and lowers himself onto the circle, vaguely aware the charcoal is going to get on his clothes. Once he's flat on the ground, he glances in her direction. "Lied down. Face up." He breathes out slowly. I trust her. I trust her. I trust her. I trust her.

Santana wonders if that is what real trust is. No questions? Is this how its suppose to be? She takes from her bag the last and only useful thing Mike Chang has ever done, giving him a silent talisman. She puts it on the door. It's supposed to create a silent room. No one would hear any scream. This is the third time she tried this. She lied to Elise, telling her it was because she needed a kidney to keep living. Ryder knew how cool was being a human and how crap was stop being it. *Third is the charm. It's all going perfectly. This is the closest I had been to this. She doesn't answer Matt saying he's nervous, she just goes to pick up her knife without him seeing her, hiding it behind her back on one hand. She sits on the floor next to him, on his side. "Show me your stomach." She says, remembering all the surgery videos she has memorized for this. "And look, this might look scary and suspicious, but...trust me on this, Matt. I know what I am doing."

Matt is sweating all over now. What is this ritual? Is it even real? He could trust Santana all he wanted, but what if she believes in something that is designed not to work? Truth be told, he's let her down more than she ever has. He owes her a fair chance--he wants to give her a fair chance. What if the purpose of the ritual is to build up a fuckton of tension, and then in the end it's nothing but a tickle? He lifts up his shirt, and tries to even his breaths. Scary and suspicious. He can prepare himself for scary and suspicious. "I trust you," he says, and places his hands at his sides. "You know what you're doing." She knows what she's doing. She knows what she's doing. She knows what she's doing.

Santana lifts his shirt more. And puts her hand on his stomach, calculating the cut. The knife still at her back. "Alright Matt, now something is going to happen, and you might think it's scary. But just stay still, and trust me." She says, letting him a time to breathe. A time for him to prepare. She takes the knife out. "Now. Don't move."

Matt breathes. Scary. Suspicious. Trust me. What could possibly be more scary than the anticipation? "Okay," he whispers, taking a second to close his eyes. When he opens his eyes, she has a knife. "Fuck," his voice wavers. This is it. What happens now? Does she pretend she's going to stab him, and then thank him for his trust? Does she stab him, like the O kid and her "dad" had warned him about? Does she take his blood? He squeezes his eyes shut, and clenches his fists. "ItrustyouItrustyou," he mutters, his breathing picking up speed. She wouldn't kill him. She wouldn't. She wouldn't.

Santana looks at him. Alright. He isn't running. This is good. She just as to stab the knife, take the kidney, and eat it. Ew. She thinks. She actually hopes this is like the binding of Isaac and some kind of God stop her last minute and make it work, because if not, it's going to be a mess. She holds the knife closer to Matt stomach, still not stabbing him. This is it. Now just fucking do it. Just fucking do it. This is what you always wanted. Nothing is stopping you. "I'm going to do it. It's going to be over soon. Thank you, my dearest friend." She smiles, and holds the knife higher.

Matt squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, and his thoughts are racing. Over soon? Is she going to kill him? No. No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't kill him. She won't. She means her pain, her suffering, her struggle.... right? Why does she want his stomach exposed? What if she tries to take some blood, and he dies right there, like an idiot, and he still doesn't know James's family? His family? No, no, she knows what she's doing. She said she did. She said so. But does she? Does she really know what she's doing? She's his age. She's in Naturalization. Ah, fuck. She doesn't know what she's doing. His eyes fly open, and he finds her with the fucking knife in her hand, and a smile in her face. "Wait," he blurts out. "I don't... I'm sorry. I can't do this."

"Oh, thank God." Santana blurts out, letting out a breath. Wait, what? What the fuck did I just said? No! This is a betrayal! I am dissapointed! I felt hurt! She looks at her reflection on the blade, still sitting next to Matt, not moving away. Or reacting anymore.  "...I...didn't expected this. I thought... this is so... disapointing?" She still looks at the knife in her hand. "What the hell?"

Matt is bracing himself for a speech, or tears, or for Santana to not hear him and stab his ass anyway, so when he hears her sound relieved, he pushes himself onto his elbows. "Did you just say thank God?" he asks, shifting between looking at her face and the knife, the remnants of adrenaline making his heart pump in his ears. She seems confused. "Santana?" Matt asks gently as he sits up. "What do you mean?"

Santana leaves out the longest "Mmmmm..." while still looking at the knife. "That was weird. I'm sure I didn't say that. I'm actually very angry and hurt right now." She says, deadpan. She looks at the book of Hamlet. She still can see the illusions. "Hey Matt, can I ask you a question...about your dark secret magic?"

Matt decides it's probably not in his best interest to insist she did, while she still held a knife in her hand, which she had intended  to use on him. He doesn't comment on it just yet. She looks like she's in shock, anyway. His heart sinks lightly when she asks about his magic. He kind of feels like he's walking into a trap, but it's not like she doesn't already know his secret. "What about it?"

Santana plays with the knife on her hands. "You said Puck found about it. On Brownstone." She stands up, and picks up her Hamlet book. "Who did you used it against?"

Matt looks down. He opens his mouth, and closes it again. The incident had been pushed so far behind in his mind that he rarely thinks about it, and when he does, he can shut it down just as quickly as the thought had emerged. He shut his eyes, and pushed himself away from Santana. "The selkies," he whispers. "I used my magic against the selkies."

Santana smiles. "Ah, just as I thought." She says, holds the knife blade down, and leaves it fall, nail down to the floor. "Is that? You wanted to help, and be a nice friend, and don't let poor little me suffer the same fate, wouldn't you?" She asks him. "You know a real human would had survive that, right? A real human would survive that because a real human wouldn't had get attacked in the first place, isn't it, Matt?" She comments, approaching him. "But in the end, you couldn't do it. You know I'll be way happier and safer that way, but you can't do it, right?"

Matt flinches back, and the tremors in his muscles from the adrenaline intensify. This, this is what he thought would happen, and now he doesn't feel ready at all. "You're right," he says, and he doesn't try to conceal the unsteadiness in his voice. "You're right. If they'd been human we would have been out of that room as soon as we realized Kurt wasn't there. I got Puck's gun against my head because he thought I was a monster, like he thought they were fucking monsters. You're right." Matt shuffles backwards slightly, and Aether, fuck, God, this is exactly like right after Brownstone, when he'd been afraid of her for the first time. "No, I can't fucking do it. I'm not going to bleed out on my floor because you think it's gonna solve your fucking mental health problems!"

Santana stares at him. "But you have it better, you know? You always look like a human." She laughs, bitterly. "Mental health problems? Is that what you think it is?" She stops laughing, and frows. "You liar." She grabs him from the neck of his shirt. "Did my health problems trapped me there, Matt? Is that?  Is my mind creating all of those people trying to kill me? I can't believe it! It was my health problems oppresing me all this time!" She says, letting him go."It was a trust ritual, not a blood ritual, Matt." She lies as if she really believed it. "It wasn't going to happend. But let's go with your theory..." She walks around. "Do you think that's what's going to fucking fix everything for me? Boom, magic, all your problems vanish now! I want to change my entire being, and you are like...sure! No questions asked. Why ask what would that mean for me? I-is that going to fucking change my entire personality? Am I going to be reborn or whatever into a person? What the hell becoming human means?" She starts to ramble, angry.

Matt sighs forcefully, and gestures with one hand. "I fucking know that! I'm an ignorant fucking dick that took glamour for two whole shitfuck minutes and whined about it to you. I know, and I'm sorry about that shit. I know it's easier." He holds his breath as Santana grabs him, trying and failing to keep his expression neutral. "Don't fucking lecture me about oppression. Don't. You still think you're an animal and that's why you want to be human. You think I don't get it? Wanting to change your body so people will fucking just stop?" Stepping back, he laughs, empty. "You were fucking relieved when I said no. Fucking admit that. You said 'thank God', and you're not fooling me when you deny that shit." Matt crosses his arms over his chest, and rolls his eyes. The fuck is she talking about? "You said you'd been planning this shit for years! I thought you knew what you were talking about! I don't fucking know what becoming human means. You tell me. What did you think it meant?"

Santana is glad she put the fucking talisman because she is going to scream. "You don't know anything. Oh! Sure! It's the fucking same! Changing your body and getting a whole new one, because you are actually a fucking 34cm rat! They're fucking different species, Matt!" She pushes him. "And I was fucking disappointed when you said yes!" She closes her fists. "You know, it's fucking shit when the whole world hates you, and you hate you even more, but still I won't fucking mind if at least my friends wouldn't agree! Without being certain there's a chance they'll probably murder me if I was on my animal form.” She starts to tear up. "Yes, Santana, you should change!, You have potential! Why is never Why would you want to change, there is nothing wrong with you?" She get rids of some tears. "Exactly! You don't fucking know! And you didn't even care to ask!" She doesn't know want to answer that question. And she is tired. "Anything more to say? Because if not, I'm fucking leaving."

Matt can't say anything for a long time. Santana pushes him physically once, but it's like she keeps doing it, over and over, with every sentence that rings too true to him. It dawns upon him that he thought he understood Santana as someone who knew exactly what she wanted and needed, that her demons were similar to his, colored in a different shade. He blinks for a second in perplexed silence, until she says she's leaving. "Wait, I..." Matt swallows. "I fucking love you, alright? And that's not a... I would love you if you were different. I love you. I thought you... I thought you knew better than me. I don't know." It strikes him, not quite for the first time, that maybe he's been doing this friendship thing completely wrong. "I have to think about this. I don't know if I should be the guy that decides whether or not it's cool for you to want something I don't fucking  understand. I thought I was..." What? Being a hero? Superior to anyone who wouldn't lie there waiting to be stabbed to prove he's a good person? "I don't know." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

Santana picks up her stuff, but leaves the knife. She didn't expect that. She stays, looking at the door, giving her back to Matt. Grabbing her bag. "Oh, love." She had a dozen complains about it. "If you think I knew better, would you stick at knowing worse?" Of course he doesn't have to decide. "I'm not asking you to chose, I was... I'm...I'm leaving." She said, removing the talisman, getting out and slamming the door when she gets out.