#drawing just takes so long and theres only so much i can complete before some global catastrophe makes sharing them impossible haha

[thediktatortot]

Love youre ST art, but if you dont mind me asking, why Billy? Theres just so much about his character I cant get passed enough to like him outside of peoples art.

I appreciate the cordial ask Anon, as most who do not like Billy would not do so: I love Billy for many reasons! Sorry, this is gonna be a fairly long response because I want to encapsulate not only my own points of enjoyment, but ones that a majority of the Billy side of fandom have as well.

First reason being: Billy is WONDERFULLY acted out by his actor. Dacre Montgomery did what is probably one of the top handful of performances on the show (probably rivalling the way I feel about Mason Dye's [Jason Carver] performance.) and that alone gives me some of the first reasons to love Billy as a character.

He's well done. He feels real, he gives depth and complications like real humans! That in part due to Dacre's representation of him. Dacre himself has put a lot of his own experiences into Billy's character, both in just the small things we notice and some of the larger aspects like having dealt with abuse in the home regarding his father as well as neurodivergencies and weight.

I'm a sucker for a well made character!

Second reason!: He's a bombshell, and not in just a 'hot' way. His character draws attention, he wants to be seen and noticed and heard! He's not great at going about it in a way that doesn't cause himself problems because...well he's still a child!

He's bound to mess up, especially in a time that does not see children as vulnerable members of a community, in a new culture (midwest) that he is unfamiliar with and unaccustomed to their social norms as well as being under the rules and obligations of a man who not only keeps him vulnerable but actively undermines him both mentally, physically and emotionally.

I empathize with and for him. I myself have never been abused by a parent, but I know what abuse feels like and it doesn't feel good. I have experience with sibling and spousal abuse, but even then it's not the same as being abused by your support structure, the person(s) who are supposed to be there to love and nurture you.

He has lost one of his major support structures in his life and is damaged for it.

But back to the bombshell title: He fits some of my favorite character tropes, Femme fatale & Antihero.

He's MADE to be destructive, he's an abused bull placed into a china shop by his own father and if that isn't sad, I don't know what it. No matter what he does, he cannot help but break something! His narrative was constructed by the show to always put him in a position of destruction and it's such a sad existence.

My third reason: He's an AMAZING foil to Steve as a character. He's everything Steve both wants and hates. He's 'carefree' and interruptive, he's hot and nasty, he's strong but has a hairtrigger-

He challenges Steve as a character to both think and do better in ways he doesn't realize yet.

These are all just basic reasons why I love him as a character. The fandom as a whole could lead you down a bigger path as to why, but there's a lot to love in Billy.

I can completely understand why someone might not like him, he is brash, rude, destructive, mean- and it can be hard to work around those issues when those things are actually damaging in real life.

But I see him as an opportunity to delve deeper into the "why". Why is Billy brash? Why is Billy rude? Why is he destructive and mean? That's the meat and potatoes.

In the end, I love Billy because he's a character who turned out the way he did, because he lacked the appropriate amount of love in his life, and we can see that by his actions and memories before his death.

He craved touch. He craved closeness and friends. He missed his mother, he feared his father. He had EMOTIONS that deserve to be expressed and heard.

He's what so many people can become, because no one takes the time to just give a shit. That's why I love him. Because I think he, in the real world, would have benefited from that. Just to be seen and heard and understood, even if no one could fix his situation, at least he would have the ability to have a safe place to confide in long enough to get himself out of his situation.

[wellthatschaotic]

Teach me qsmp lore please. Preferably chronological order; where does it all begin & all that jazz

okay SO

buncha guys are on a train to Quesadilla Island. there is a Huge Wall in the middle of the island. a duck greets them and says "whatever you do don't press the big red button". they press the big red button. the wall Crumbles. yay! duck comes back and says "wtf now you Can Never Leave The Island". also theres a ton of like ruins/old crusty buildings on the island and their first task was to restore electricity so like. there probably Used To Be People Here.

then! new Building appears! duck says "you idiots woke up a dragon and it flew away. now you gotta take care of her eggs". new building turns out to be an adoption center!! there are two parents per egg and each parent has to be from a different language (at the time it was only spanish and english). i forget who the parents were (this was long before i was In The Fandom) but essentially government assigned gay marriage. anyway they have to take care of the eggs and keep them happy and stuff so they don't Die

also there's a guy named cucurucho who's like one of the top federation guys. hes a bitch. then theres another cucurucho (osito bimbo) whos not a bitch. he appears out of nowhere and speaks in like pre generated text to speech voice lines and also writes and gives people books to communicate

also! an enemy is made called The Code or the Binary Entity! it's. well. exactly what it sounds like. a floating mess of ones and zeroes in black and green. and it is Violent and attacks the eggs

spoiler. some of the eggs die. its very sad. there is conflict. i am going to skip to where i joined the fandom because i don't know too much about the Middle Parts

so the eggs go missing. horrible awful tragedy. everyone is upset (and begins to go Insane). forever is so angry and sad he goes and pretty much attacks cucurucho. he then gets drugged on Happy Pills and becomes an absolute weirdo. pac goes and gets kidnapped/drugged on purpose and finds a Cure. yay! the get the leftover Happy Pills and put them in a very secure safe. it is not very secure. bbh immediately steals the pills just to prove that he could. the safe is later reinforced further. also when forever was detoxing he screamed that cucurucho told him that the eggs weren't kidnapped they ran away because of an Even Worse Danger. which some of the islanders believe and some dont

bbh does not buy it and kidnaps a federation worker who he named ron and we later found out is WB011. the workers dont get names and there are tiers D-A, d is the lowest A is the highest. also bbh has fully lost all the color on his skin and is torturing himself with soul vultures and is now covered in his own corrupted blood and torn clothes. hes also canonically completely colorblind

while this is happening tubbo is flirting with fred, another federation worker (WA02). so he's a fed worker defender 100%.

tubbo breaks into fred's office and finds two books: one saying bbh is suspicious and possibly dangerous and advising workers to avoid him. then next book says worker WB011 has not clocked in or out of work for several days and is missing. he draws the conclusion that bbh has kidnapped WB011.

unfortunately bbh had some sort of psychotic episode and. um. ate ron.

also tubbo, slimescicle and. fuck i forget the third person. got coordinates from a chest surrounded by black concrete. each of them had one of the 3 coordinates (x, y, and z) and it took them like 45 minutes to connect the dots. they are led to the entrance of a Maze. when they get through the maze they find a circular room with a wheel numbered 1-8 in roman numerals, surrounded by the eggs signature belongings. obviously they all Freak Out and try to find a way to get in. tubbo enderpearls through the barriers and spins the wheel. lava pours down from everywhere. rip

a little later everyone goes in the maze and finds a room thats like some sort of control room with a big red button. when they press it theres a dialogue that said "i think i found something about the eggs disappearance. lets continue this conversation on the main channel"

at some point they find the circular room again and it has the wheel again but this time the only egg belonging is chayenne's rubber ducky. strange.

more black concrete keeps appearing, then a huge alien structure appears. THEN. they find a message on black concrete FROM THE EGGS!!! wherever they are they can't get back and can only send one message at a time. two more alien structures end up appearing.

tubbo digs a giant hole with a world eater that bbh and aypierre hate so he names it the controversial hole.

bbh is slowly testing everyone on the island to see who he can trust and who he can't, and is implying to everyone that he will burn the world down and kill everyone to get the eggs back. we support his wrongs

philza gets kidnapped and put in a bird house for like a week, thinks it's a bad dream and can't really remember what happened.

bagi arrives with nothing but a frying pan and determination. she somehow has the code for the main channel, but they don't know what to input the code in to make it work.

etoiles now has a love/hate relationship with the codes and enjoys fighting them for fun. he kills one and the only thing it drops are its sword, shield, and a book saying "protect". he takes that to mean protect everyone on the island.

at this point everyone is incredibly suspicious of everyone else btw.

also yesterday bagi told fred that tubbo was in love with him and this morning tubbo got a letter from fred rejecting him and signed it "WA02". my ship has crashed and burned i'm so sad. he has also heavily implied he will Ruin Bagi for this

i definitely missed things but this is a lot of the gist of it i think !

[teadrop-12]

heehee thank you for giving me hcs of my blorbo :))) can I ask hcs for your favourite hedgehog Rudy?????? I wanna hear abt em :)))))

Hiii bella omg yeah ofc!! i have a lot of them locked n loaded omg

so i said before like my main hc of ejen ali is that rudy is a trans girl. and that still stands. she/her rudy but only with a few people she knows wont give her shit for it

again i know i draw and depict rudy as being femme but in actuality nothing really changes. shes the same exact person with the same blunt personality and spiky hair shes just a girl now

has a bunch of skills like sewing and baking. absolute dogshit at cooking though

shes bi, i've always had the hc she's bi, even before the tgirl hc came along. like the reaction she had to kim was the same she had to Ali i rest my case

i think she's got a guy pref tho? like she thought she was straight until she had her first crush on a girl

ALSO!! shes on the aro spectrum, specifically demiromantic.

really good with animals and kids, babysits on weekends sometimes

Roza is genuinely like her sister, like her cool older sister thats basically rodrick from the live action diary of a wimpy kid movie

she's not in a band but to blow off steam she plays the drums sometimes

theres a boxing bag in her room she uses that too rudy knows boxing

her and bulat are the besties of the agency. they met each other when bulat came to the academy and they have been each others ride or die since

while she was in the infirmary and her arm completely healed she would sneak into the kitchen and bake for the remaining agents anonymously

she thrifts and gets a lot of grundge and trad goth clothes, but she cannot be bothered to dress up unless shes with a date or at an event then she wears formal Baju Malayu (im so sorry if i got it wrong i just searched for malay formal wear and the one i saw her wear is just like that so i dunno)

like think hot topic, or gothic lolita clothes.

kinda clingy with people? i dunno how else to describe it but its like if shes with a friend or something and they abruptly get taken away for something else she'd be a tiny bit jealous or something

moons like her little sister i think, like theyre always bickering and stuff n tease each other but if anything happened to her she would be mad

she can't really take compliments well. like from anyone.

very indulgent hc, shes got a crush on Alicia.

audhd

im sorry these hcs are so boring

an actual menace to society, she should be put down/j. but srsly, she is a known prankster in canon before ali and alicia came and she became so much more tough

i think she would have had rabies. at least twice. one as a kid once recently

as a kid she actually had really long hair but she got it cut rlly short bc she wanted to style it like Djins

accidently called one of the mentors "mom" once but that mentor said it was fine and flattered

despite having a huge crush on alicia, she is also her biggest rival. Like luz and amity except theyre both amity except alicia amity is luz does this make sense

calls ali and khai cringe for liking a card game like WAUriors but in actuality she has a whole collection for herself.

ok here are some heavy hitters (TW su1c1de mention)

Remember that thing with my dos hcs? with dos being unknowingly cloned? that clone was rudy, but because she was a child, they couldn't wait for her to grow up so when they tried to terminate her, rudy caught wind of this and ran away, which is how she got homeless until she was around 2 or 3?

if thats not the case, I do think something more sinister happened in which MATA was involved with the fact she has no family left.

given the fact they hid ali's mother dying from him for about a year or two after he joined MATA, i dont doubt that they hid something about Rudy's origin.

I like to think when she first joined MATA she did know Aliya but she doesn't remember her so she can't put her finger on why Ali's so familliar to her

When she was younger she was kinda the older sister to the other kids there, like she would pickpocket some extras for them or find some sort of shelter and stay outside if there wasn't enough room for everyone.

Agent Geetha is the one she considers a mother bc shes the one that would actually primarily take care of her when she was a baby

When she grows up she actually goes through such a terrible incident on a mission that makes her lose her arm, but she refused to get a prosthetic bc she didn't want to look anything more like djin

like moon, she had strenuous nightmares for months and didn't sleep an entire night once after the incident in s2, and when they finally subsided, after season 3 it all started again

when she's older she actually quits being an agent, but doesn't leave MATA until shes much older, like around 30, and till then she's a CSI for them and still tags along on certain missions but not as common now.

I like to think Geetha adopted her after some years when they got much closer. Sometimes rudy would ask to sleep in her room when shes having a nightmare or something like that.

speaking of which, She calls her Ama or Ami (since Geethas desi in canon I want to think she prefers being called mom in Urdu)

rudy did kind of. like still not completely trust geetha even after she adopted her, but it got much better later when rudy would get really sick and geetha wouldn't stop helping her and she like wouldn't leave her side like she slept in a chair next to her as she was sick.

I do adore the hc we have of Geetha and dos being rudys moms, but i am also loving the hc of like. rudy finds out shes techinically Dos's "daughter" (bc of the whole clone thing) and her kind of realizing that geetha is so much more of a mother to her than dos can ever be and thats also what strengthens their bond.

After she saw alicia crying after Zain died, they always kept an eye on each other. like alicia and geetha are really the only ppl she'd cry in front of.

when she found out dos almost killed alicia she kind of cried there too. because what if she did actually die she wouldn't have met either of them.

after djin died she did actually attempt, but it didn't work and had to see a MATA specialized therapist.

ok i think thats all for now behn!!! super sorry for the boring hcs i didn't know anything new!! but pleaseee send me more hc asks i love them so much!!

[oblong-egg]

Magic System Concepts

Magic is an interesting concept to me. I like to think of it as something somewhat living. It filters through people in different ways, manifesting itself with different elemental connections based on what part of the body it gets stuck in or feeds off of. Overuse of magic can result in the energy feeding on the body faster than it is able to replenish, and, after a while, make the body unable to recover from what the magic takes. Everyone’s rate of recovery or regenerative abilities are different. Recognizing overuse is relatively easy, but some disregard the symptoms in pursuit of power. Magic can often be addictive.

Bodily and elemental connections are:

Water : Blood

Air : Mind

Earth : Bone

Fire : Lungs

Light : Eyes

Shadow : Soul

Examples of corrosion from overuse could be: 

Blood : Anemia or high blood pressure

Mind : hallucinations, paranoia, or mindfog

Bone : degradation or overgrowth

Lungs : chronic cough, collapse, or disease

Eyes : poor vision or blindness

The only type of magic that has a chance of survival if severely overused is Shadow magic, but even that has severe consequences that could follow the user for the rest of their life. Shadow magic or Dark magic eats away at the soul of a person and this could result in one completely losing track of themselves and/or their morality. If death does find them, the remains of their soul will be sent to hell as it’s squandering God’s gift to man (or something). If theres nothing left of their soul, their severed consciousness is left to wander the Earth until it eventually fades and they cease to exist.

Magic itself is not good or evil and it doesn’t exist in a physical state. It’s more like an energy. Cosmic energy, if you will. With training, it is possible to channel this magic or energy without elemental connection. Which means not letting the magic feed off of the desired body part. An example of this is the Hunter Soulstone Technique (no relation to the Soul Stone in the MCU), which Orion Hunter coined. He might not have been the first person to actually use this technique. He’s just the one that introduced it as a possible method in case one was caught in a situation without a weapon. This technique involves a Soulstone, which is a gemstone with magical properties, usually used to hold either pure magic, or trap souls in a practically inescapable prison—unless the stone is broken. They are usually embedded in a weapon.

It requires either very high resistance to magic, or much concentration. Or both In some cases. With this resistance and/or concentration, one can draw magic directly from their environment without contaminating it with a bodily or elemental connection and allow it to circulate through them. From there, the user can essentially will the magic into a tangible shape.

Orion has used this technique to aid him in battle by providing him a quick weapon when there would usually be none available. He’s taught this technique to two of his sons, Sky and Soul. The stones he provided for them were just free-floating gems, which is unusual. However, through this circulation of magic, the user can essentially make any object they need. So an example of the different forms that one can forge to hold the gem can be:

A ring for more practical and glamorous carrying or

A weapon as stated before.

These objects function much like their non magical counterparts, but only as long as the holder maintains constant physical contact with it. If they let go, the object evaporates and the stone is left free-floating once again.

You might also be able to guess that, the more of these objects you try to summon, the more resistance/concentration you’ll need. Because Soul, the character featured above, is a dragon, his magical resistance is much greater than a human’s, he can summon two very easily. His brother, Sky, does not have such an easy time. In fact, he struggles to maintain even one for extended periods. Only one object can be summoned per stone held.

Soulstones can also be something like aura readers. They change colors based on the person holding them. This requires no magic channeling, only physical contact.

[2xplusungood]

Im just gonna say it: My opinion is that recent "rebalances" to minecraft absolutely have sucked immensely lately, namely these two big ones:

Netherite changes: So now instead of simply mining the 24+whatever you need for tools ancient debris, you now also have to obtain netherite upgrades found in Bastion chests, which not only adds what feels like a completely unnecessary step to something that already requires a decent amount of commitment, but now gives the same problem to netherite armor that Elytras have: With limited world sizes, items that can only be collected through exploration are much more finite. Have fun no longer being able to have netherite on public servers becuase a group of the more grind-motivated players already have all the netherite upgrades in the world and have decided to gatekeep them from other people. Either that, or they are super generous with it and hand them out to everyone, which completely INVALIDATES the change's point of making netherite harder to get. In essence, it basically adds griefing potential without making it an overall better game.

Villager changes: This one I've seen coming for a long time now, ever since the Mojang devs hopped on Hermitcraft with Doc and said that villager changes were coming.

In my opinion, the biggest issue with villager trading is the random nature of trades and sitting there breaking and places lecterns to hopefully get mending. I think having a more straight forward way of getting the enchantment you want is a step in the right direction but its still probably the worst possible way it could've been implemented.

First off, you need to find a swamp biome (which holy shit I am so goddamned tired of wandering in random directions hoping to find a specific biome, not becuase I think its cool but because theres some specific bullshit I need from it before I leave it forever)

Then at the BARE MINIMUM, you now have to transport villagers TO that biome. I don't feel like I can stress enough how bad of an idea this is. Moving and transporting villagers is extremely annoying and is downright DISCOURAGED by the game (Lures do not work on them and theres no way to make them follow you becuase they are... you know... supposed to be PEOPLE and not just animals)

It was, however, by no means impossible and could still be done if you really needed to have them somewhere but it was never something you HAD to do to get specific items and if they do not add the two missing village types, you will now.

My next point is that Mojang seems to want to kill any gameplay outside of their views of how to play the game. Like I keep seeing these youtubes parroting the fact that "oh you can build these super overpowered villager breeders and converters to get super cheap trades" without actually answering "how is this a bad thing"

One of the biggest draws of minecraft is the extremely low skill floor but extremely high skill ceiling. A casual player can get all the tools they need to make whatever they like on a small to medium scale, but someone who is more willing to push minecraft to its limits are happily given the tool necessary to do so, regardless of how gamebreaking they can be.

Want infinite iron? Break the game by making a golem farm

Infinite copper: Break the game by utilizing the absolutely absurdly obscure mechanic of zombie reinforcements and then convert them to drowns.

Slime: Making a slime farm in a slime chunk or swamp using mushrooms

Need infinite TNT? Dupe it using coral, a mechanic that is 100% a bug but at this point will not be fixed (For the time being, barring any sudden changes in developer opinion) due to its millions of uses.

The point Im making is that farms not only add a means for getting a ridiculous amounts of materials to make ridiculous buildings that would otherwise take way more time, but also add a whole new layer of gameplay for the insane tech-minded crowd

Zombie discounts however? Somehow they are bad. Somehow, the ability to get cheap trades through a VERY involved process (Either you are manually infecting and curing them like a psychopath or building the infrastructure to automatically infect and cure them like a high functioning pyschopath). Its so terrible how you can... get certain enchantments easier... or get glass easier... or mid tier armor and weapons/tools? Like you don't even get these resources passively like most farms and each villager you bring into your trading hall requires some manner of time investment.

So WHY nerf villagers? Are they the most fun to deal with? Is actually doing this farms the pinnacle of gameplay? Not really, but the answer would be to streamline this process (Being able to manually cycle trades without constantly breaking the workblock would be a good start) and not just take it out back and old yeller that shit.

My tinfoil is that some Microsoft exec found out about villager farms and decided it didn't fit with the kid-friendly brand they've made.

[cattyanon]

He's finally here... Scrapnik Sonic!

(Make sure to read my notes at the end! Or at the very least the last one...)

Undamaged Version

Scrapnik Version

To get something pretty obvious out of the way but that I want to clarify for peace of mind: these are two different drawings so they won't be exactly the same in places. Anyways on to the design notes!

Design Notes

One of my first worries was about the size of certain parts. But then I remembered/realized that these are literally a bunch of scrap parts. They could've been scrapped for any number of reasons. Maybe something just came out wrong.

Now you're probably wondering what's up with that one ear, side of the muzzle, and small rectangular spot on the head. Well heres the final part of Sigma's Theory... It's actually non-robotic parts. That's right, the robotcizing process didn't 100% complete! More info on this in the general notes.

For the drill foot theres actually three things I want to say. First is that Sigma actually filed (ik theres a better word I just can't think of it) down the end of the drill to make it more flat. Second is that the covered up part on the leg is cause two of the ball points were damaged and didn't connect right so they had to improvise. Third is actually the second of my worries. This was about why Sigma would use something like a drill (or wheel) as a makeshift leg and not something more actually flat. But I eventually realized some reasons as to why. It's the fact that parts are limited and that the two sides need to be as even as possible. It might take getting used to but it's better than having to walk somewhat sideways.

The bit of metal on the chest is due to a hole.

While I'm still not entirely happy with the gear it's much better compared to my first attempts...

The thumb is a bit damaged but it still mostly works.

You can probably work out most of the colors yourself but I will say that the lines at the tip of his legs are white. Well technically they're silver and more metallic but whatever.

DOING THE EYES WAS AGONY. But not for reasons you may think. You might've assumed that I just had trouble with drawing the eyes but no no no. It's a fucking design choice I made. I tried to give his eyes a slightly sharper edge to them while still mostly retaining it's original shape. And then I had to do it 3 more times. ;-; I am not going to be applying that to future drawings. Since these are his ref sheets they get special treatment but I'm not subjecting myself to that hell and I reccomend yall do the same. It's not worth it, trust me.

I debated also making a different side view for his face before posting but you guys have waited long enough. I appreciate the patience btw.

Shoutout to @boom-fanfic-a-latta and their friends with helping out with the design process!!! Specifically with the claw hand idea! <3

And finally, the front of the ear. With the scar somewhat visible depending on which version you're doing:

General Notes

If you guessed the reference to be to the makeshift brace Sonic gets in the comic then you've guessed correctly! I just thought it'd be a neat little nod to it...

So some essential about the non-robotic parts. Those parts don't feel pain. At most it'll cause him a feeling of intense pressure and immense discomfort (the amount he feels increases the worse the injury) but that's it. The pressure thing also applies to any form of touch.

Speaking of feeling things, his sense of touch is very lacking. This especially goes for parts that weren't originally a part of him. He can only feel a slight amount of pressure when he touches things. In fact the only reason hes able to feel anything at all is due to some coding that registers the touch. It's why the scrapnik parts are much more lacking in that area. Sigma did try his best though!!!

Sigma is really trying his best with Sonic. That's it, that's number four.

It might be kinda obvious but he has the most trouble adjusting to the drill foot and claw hand the most. Of course that's also on top of everything else. Poor Sonic.

Also did I mention how much he hates all of this? Because he does.

I know I kinda covered this already but he hates that everyone insists hes just some weird Metal Sonic prototype.

Theres definitely some tension between him and Mecha for a while. I'll probably make a post further detailing his relationships with characters on the island.

And for my final note, if you have any design questions or are confused by something I said dont be afraid to ask for clarification!

[young--cheeseburger]

Mid-Year Self Reflection

I turn 24 next month and I've been depressed since I was 11-12 years old.

These past few months have been really eye opening and I've been learning more and more about myself and how I coped with the world for so long isnt healthy. Nor how I saw myself.

I knew I'm depressed but seeing the tangible depths of my depression come to bite me in the ass has really been eye opening.

Ever since I broke down in September-October of 2022, I've been in a state of mourning. As well as the most "unstable" I've been. Looking back at it, it was probably a long time coming.

Feeling like I failed college not only becauae its not easy to get into but also because I didnt put my 100% and then realizing that I can't do art as a full time job anyway really left me in a bad state because I covinced myself it was all I had. And it really felt like it was. Most likely being its something I genuniely enjoyed throughout everything, even me being depressed. Drawing was fun, being able to physically see myself improve was fun and wanting to get better at this skill that I had actually felt good. It felt really good. But I am also my own worst critic so that probably didnt help things either. And since its a medium that does require my emotions to put into it (even if its silly little drawings) I've cut myself off from those. Maybe not completely but I've been in this very stagnant state for a really long time.

Hell me saying that sentence says a lot to me. "Stagnant" is like a mental checkpoint for me since thats how I described my life in High School of all things.

There's a quote from Night In The Woods where Bea tells Mae "I stayed here and got older, and you went away and stayed the same." and it really hit me since Mae also had the opportunity to go to college and didnt change. Mae is a lot more "aimless" and wants to chill and hang around though. Meanwhile I give myself way too harsh standards and constantly fail to live up to them. (geez I wonder who I got that from) Both seem like ways to cope with becoming an adult the more I think about it.

Anyways.

I'm at least glad I have some awareness towards my problems and will always try to take responsibility for my actions when I can. Its because of these issues and a few other things that I lost a few friends along the way. Although its for the better really. I was taking a lot more than I can really give and I wasn't appreciative of friendships, nor the time given by them. And as we get older in life, the less time we're able to give. I don't wanna be someome whos holding anyone back or anything. And no friend should feel like they arent cared about.

I use apathy to cope with not feeling depressed but instead it turned off any other kind of emotion and it grew into me not feeling much of anything at all. No emotions to help guide choices, no emotions to share, no emotions to feel towards anything really. In my mind, if I stopped caring, things wouldnt hurt as much.

I usually didnt talk about emotions because I didnt want to dump on people but also because I kept invalidating my own feelings. A lot of people I know have been through so much worse and here I am. Still with a family, even though they throughly hate who I am as a trans man. I got hit a few times as a kid for making mistakes/disiplinary reasons but I had friends who's parents did so much worse. So who was I to complain in the face of all of that? I should be helping them get through it then worry about what I felt because my problems seemed minor in comparison.

Comparison, the same thing my parents did constantly when I was younger until I started being the one getting compared to. Because "I can do everything right" right? A perfect little mold even if I was a dying dog. Loyal, but at what cost?

"I'm sure theres people who care about me but I don't really care too much anymore. I That just means I am really weak. Useless even until the end. I want to die. The pain would only hurt for a little while before everything is over."

That was a consistent thought in my head for so long. And I've wanted to die for so long. But up to a few weeks ago, I had actual plans for doing it too. Several ways even.

It wasnt till an old friend told me that my ways of thinking were only making me feel worse. And when I told myself I'd listen for once, I did. Before walking out again because once again, I had taken someone's emotional labor for granted.

I realized now that, yeah people will always have it worse. And yeah I can totally do my part to make sure that the people I know, friends or strangers can at least feel better. But I have to realize that what happened to me hurt me too so I can finally let it go.

I want to move on with my life, I really do. It sucks not having a bunch of the adult skills I need (driving especially) but its never too late to learn. I have time and I need to start giving myself the time like I would for others. To stop being at odds with myself and try to be neutral with my existance, instead of not caring. To want to live, to hope, even if nothing is concrete. To be like water, instead of a brick.

Trying to say that last part with this capitalist hellscape in mind is hard but people like me have survived.

Maybe I can too.

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

big long rant abt how happy i am rn but its LONG ^_^

holy shit . its a sunday evening and im somehow SO FUCKING HAPPY. like. nnothing even HAPPENED today i just had A GOOD DAY IN GENERAL this is incredible. like. i watched a nice tv episode and saw a funny video and played some minecraft and hollow knight and watched a fuckin crazy jrwi episode and woke up before the sun and felt the wind and watched the sun and heard the birds and. man. and tomorrow i know i have school and thats not even ruining my mood at all. because i have history. and my history teacher is nice. and he wont mind that i havent done any of the work because he gets it. and he explains things in interesting ways and hes kind and he never shouts and its the only class i not only feel comfortable asking questions, but where i WANT to ask questions because hes NICE about questions and i usually probably wouldnt care abt the shit were learning abt but he tells it like its actually REAL and not just a sheet of information. and im just happy. and whilst i didnt finish my codeflippa drawing like i hoped i would, i think ive come to terms w the fact i dont think i wanna ever Finish it, bc my creativity for it died down. i think ill just surround it in a few more flippa doodles n then post it bc ITSF FINE !!!! man. and like. i think ive remembered how it felt to be 5 again. when everything was SO EXCITING and i had no worries about the future because the only thing that EXISTED was here and now. and the world WAS big and scary but it was also incredible and interesting and full of light and colour and. like right now i can smell dinner cooking and for once im taking a moment to feel excited about that. because YES dinner happens everyday but !!! isnt it great that theres gonna be food soon !!!!!! and ill be able to eat it and i hope its smth i like. my sense of smell DID get fucked up 2 years ago BUT THAT ONLY MEANS DINNERS EVEN MORE OF A SURPRISE !!! it smells vaguely of HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT SMELLS LIKE THAT ONE CHICKEN DISH I HAD A LOT LIKE 5 YEARS AGO it most likely isnt that but ica nt belive i remember what that smells like . and like !!!! right now im listening tot he celeste soundtrack AND ITS SO GOOD !!!!!!! and MUSIC SOUNDS SO GOOD !!!!! and i played minecraft today and i tamed a dog called. smth. i havent named it yet. and a cat named smth toast related bc i was rlly hungry 4 toast and then i saw it. and i found out there r 3 seperate villages all really close to my base and i built a farm with potatoes and carrots and wheat and i mined for ages and realised my sense of direction in minecraft maybe isnt as bad as i thought it was because i spent like 2 hours in a cave and got utterly lost, but still knew which way west was. and i played a little hollow knight and didnt do too much but got across greenpath because i started a new save yesterday where i did all of crossroads. and if i play more hk later im gonna complete greenpath (or atleast what u can do b4 any other areas). and i saw my cat this morning !!!! and he was so friendly and he went meow meow meow and i went meow meow meow. and i just watched the new DW episode and !!!!! it was rlly good !!!!! ofCOURSEit had its moments of :/ BUT THAT DW FOR U IT ALWAYS HAS ITS :/ MOMENTS but it was SO good !!!!!!! and i love life sm rn and i can hum along to celeste music and my room is a good temperature and. my face ghurts bc ive been smilng so much. but im happy ^_^ and who knows how ill feel later tonight but what matters is that RIGHT NOW i m so in love witht he world :3

[melancholiaenthroned]

amanda saw for the ask game :))

yayyyy tyyy<333

first impression: ok full disclosure i did NOT like saw the first time i saw it LOL. i thought adam was annoying and the bathroom was yucky and it was too slow paced. BUT i did like amanda she was like the redeeming quality to me. and once i watched saw ii i was completely sucked in she was everything to me. the way she claws at her face when she first wakes up like shes expecting the bear trap is such an acting moment of all time.

impression now: i love her so much shes the best apprentice her character is everything to me. i dont know what to say that hasnt been said before but i guess my most recent impression of her was in saw x and i just felt like her character, at the state in between saw and saw ii, was so well written. like her dependence on john but her reluctance to hurt people who she doesnt think fully deserve it... god... you can see the doubts starting to form like why are we doing this am i fixed is this what being fixed feels like... and shes so so scared of losing him... godddd. god. and her dykey outfit... i had some issues w saw x amanda was not one of them

favorite moment: DIFFICULT QUESTION hmmm all her moments r so good. i think the one that makes me craziest is i forget the exact line but in saw iii she tells lynn smth like "sure u can kill me but when john heres me cry out hell come running for me and rip off his heart monitor and then ull die" but later when shes bleeding out she looks up at john and reaches out for him and he just looks down at her and tells her its her destiny. COMPLETELY FUCKED. also obviously "fix me" and you know what can i just list all of saw iii as my favorite moment.

idea for a story: god. ok. like actual film wise i think we should move on from john kramer forever and honestly like over the course of the 4 movies shes in weve gotten a pretty good look at amandas character like it feels like theres limited room to fit in a new story. theres small things id like to see, more of her interacting and butting heads w the othe apprentices, but nothing like huge within canon bc i feel like it would throw off her arc. that being said idk how it would fit into a film but i would like to see her almost relapse post saw ii but discover that shes developed a fear of needles and instead of taking this as like. a fucked up thing. she tries to reframe it as like proof that traps work like she Is Fixed. but obviously this is right before saw iii and shes wavering but shes trying to tell herself that. developing ptsd over being thrown into a pit of needles. was a good thing<3

unpopular opinion: i dont rlly ship her and gabriela i see gabriela very much as a mirror of amanda but i dont rlly think its valuable or interesting to interpret that relationship as romantic SORRY

favorite relationship: ive said it before she and lynn have the craziest chemistry of any couple in all the saw movies like what was in the water on set that made them act that way... my only wish is that more fans made them insane rather then like. in lynn lives aus where theyre cute and healing together like no. they wouldnt do that. and then of relationships in canon obviously her and john have the most interesting and tragic thing going on (to be clear i dont mean relationships as in romantic here) but if i think about that too long ill start crying so instead lets just remember her and lynns crazy dyke swag.

favorite headcanon: oughh god idk... shes such a complete and basically perfect character to me i dont have a lot of big ideas about her outside of whats shown... like i said i think she has a phobia of needles after saw ii that she pushes through for the sake of traps that require it and then immediately goes and like throws up after. i think she bites her hand when shes really angry and sometimes draws blood. i think it reminds her of the beartrap and i think she pretends that gives her comfort. and i think at some point pre saw she dated the same vegan feminist punk that adam did<3

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

----------

The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[d0un0m3]

getting my life back PART ONE

i used to be big in photography but my depression took over and i lost a lot of my hobbies like photography (duh), drawing, reading, and writing. but recently ive decided to try and take my life back like who i am and the person i want to be.

so recently i spent a chunk of my savings on a new camera and itll come in the mail soon and hopefully i can get better again.

but what i really want to talk about is how i gained this hope for myself back.

there is a person named Norman Reedus. you might know him from the walking dead as Dayrl Dixon. he is kind, genuine person and not only an actor but also a photographer. i recently came across his work after trying to learn about him and it is fantastic i dont know how i didnt know about him before. so i read some interviews he had and found out this man and completely different human being thinks like me or at least how i used to think when i was more myself and not what the internet made me be. he had dedicated some of his work to road kill and when i was young (about 12) i used to do that with my camera as well.

but back to the interviews. theres one where someone asks him about what personality traits he finds most appealing and honesty was the one he talked about most. now i am against lying completely. i remember what it was like to have to lie in order to be safe but i moved and now i never want to remind myself of that time again so i refuse to lie. everyone im friends with knows this about me and the fact that i say what is on my mind no matter what. Norman Reedus explains how it ruins it for him when people lie and i completely feel that way, i personally will never see you the same again.

in another the interviewer asks him about fitting in and he talks about how he doesnt want to fit in, how its not intresting. he says "And whats so bad about not feeling pretty inside?" it really opened my eyes and brought me to tears reading it for the first time. i never thought about that. why? why hate yourself for not being normal on the inside? why judge so harshly to the person you have to spend the rest of your life with?

they also speak about his style and how its dark and he goes

"I like dark things. i like the reasons why things are dark"

"what do you mean" she asks

"you know, like tears can be very pretty. like when someones crying and feeling horrible-- watching that happen, or watching yourself do that, finding those little minute reasons and avenues that lock into why they feel like that, theres something very cathartic and beautiful about it. i think once i sort of accepted parts of that into myself, i felt better about myself."

when i was young i thought i was sick, horrible, and wrong for the way i viewed things and the things i did. i thought id never even make it to 15 (and here i am past that). i thought id end up going crazy or in jail because i truly thought i was horrible for thinking differently.

THIS IS JUST PART ONE ILL CONTINUE PROBABLY TOMORROW> I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND DONT WANT ONE POST TO BE SUPER LONG.

[secretmellowblog]

Me: at the rate I’m drawing the Hobbit comic, I will be out of the shire in like 20 years

Also me: *keeps obsessively thinking about how I’d handle certain moments in Mirkwood and the Misty Mountains and Laketown and Erebor*

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[ot3]

Is there any reason why a lot of zines don't accept fanfic/any writing at all? I've been wanting to join one for a while but I have no artistic ability to speak of.

there are a ton of reasons for this! in fact there are so many reasons for this that it got long, so i'll stick it under a cut.

the most prominent reason: most of the people running these things are artists, and not writers! they just want to put together artbooks and are just less interested in the fanfiction side of things overall. it's a completely different skillset and an overlapping but not identical audience.

there's nothing from stopping any more fanfiction-oriented people from putting together their own zines that are just fic (theres actually an ace attorney writers zine happening right now i think? havent looked into it much) but i'd suspect the reason there isn't more of that is because the knowledge of production and distribution that's necessary to make these projects work is less common in fic writers. writers also tend to, in my purely anecdotal observation, have schedules and careers that make it less feasible for them to run these kinds of projects, whereas the people who run zines are very often freelance artists already and so they just sort of. slot this kind of thing in around their usual work cycles.

second big reason: logstics of formatting and printing. a single fic of any meaningful length takes up 4x the amount of space of a single drawing, minimum. some projects are pretty anal about keeping within specific page counts. upping the page count often adds very little to the manufacturing costs, but once your zine surpasses a certain weight it's much more expensive to ship. we ran into this problem with the AA4 zine, which was pretty beefy. it was very easy for the packages to hit over a pound in weight which made shipping more expensive than a lot of zines.

it is also INCREDIBLY difficult to format text nicely. It's a massive undertaking, I can't stress how annoying this is to do. It is also not a skill a lot of people have. Even if you're just doing it pretty bare-bones the amount of time it takes to drop a few pages of images into a pdf vs the amount of time it takes to format that many pages of text is not comparable.

a third stumbling block: vetting contributor portfolios is so much more involved and consuming than vetting art portfolios. i can easily go through dozens of art portfolios in one sitting. let's pick a random number and call it 30 before getting burned out and needing to take a break. it really doesn't take more than a couple of minutes to decide on most portfolios; at first glance, you can get a strong idea of a person's overall body of work. it's only the edge cases that take very long to look over. Going through 30 art portfolios would realistically take me under 2 hours, easy.

On the flipside, it is impossible to tell the quality of writing from an initial glance most of the time. You have to actually go in and read a certain amount before you can decide. I'm going to be very very conservative and say that you'll read, lets say 1000 words from a contributor's writing portfolio before you make a decision. Going through 30 portfolios now means reading at minimum 30,000 words of writing. Could I do that in two hours? Maybe. But it'd be a lot harder.

Now most zines get HUNDREDS of applicants, but bigger fandoms can easily hit over 1000. This means hundreds of thousands of words of reading before you even begin the actual work of the project. It's just an insane time commitment. Then, once the project begins, you run into similar problems for critique. It takes a way longer time to beta read 50 fics than it does to give notes for 50 drawings. It's just a super different kind of work that not many people are interested in doing on the kind of scale required for zines.

and a final reason: enjoyment of fanfiction is, I feel, a LOT more heavily dependent on how much you share the creator's opinions on the source material than fanart is. Gauging stuff like how 'in character' writing is is highly subjective but also super important, which makes it a much more difficult call to make. since it takes much less time and effort to engage with a drawing, that drawing not lining up perfectly with your interpretation of the characters is less likely to be a dealbreaker if there is enough technical competency in the execution to make up for it. At least for me, that is, because there's often a lot less context to impose these character assumptions on in a drawing. You as the audience to a piece of art have more freedom with interpreting it than you do with writing. Meanwhile, with fanfiction, you're either on board with what the writer is selling you or you aren't. There are plenty of perfectly technically competent writers out there whose stuff I will never be interested in reading because it is very easy for me to be knocked out of my enjoyment of a fic due to just one or two bits of throwaway characterization I don't agree with. And I am absolutely far pickier than most, but I don't think i'm wrong in saying that overall people are pickier about how characters are portrayed in fic than they are in fanart.

essentially, everything about the process of large-scale fanzines is much more suited towards the visual arts process than the writing process.

[callme-secret]

Uncle Regulus Headcannons

Okay first of all when he first meets Sirius's offspring its picture for picture of that one scene in maleficent where she first meets Aurora

Regulus looks into this crib to see the kid that looks exactly like Sirius, and he wants to hate it, wants to scare it away from the black family. Thinks to himself it would be protecting her in some way.

But then she smiles at him, and he just melts.

Suddenly you cant see Regulus black without the little girl on his hip

Any comment on it will get a quick hex sent your way, but its obvious to every one how much he adores his niece

He calls her his Little Star

He gets one letter from his brother that's vaguely threatening but also asking for him to watch and take care of his daughter

Regulus didnt even need the letter he'd be damned if anything happens to the only good thing that came outta the war

He makes in effort to make the house more kid friendly, less house elf heads, more child proof cupboards

Kretcher begrudgingly also falls in love with her

When she gets older you can often see the house elf as a pirate, or a guest at tea party, whatever her young mind conjures at the time

The tapestry is filled with grim old faces but at the bottom theres his niece filled with hope and a butterfly sticker on her cheek

VISITS FROM REMUS

Of course remus would visit, he might think his best friend betrayed and killed James, but he knows about Regulus's past and he'll be damned if Sirius's kid turns into a death eater

But when he finds this little girl, who is just light and good, and everything he fought to protect in war, have The Regulus Black wrapped around her finger he's lost

Hes never seen Sirius's younger brother so soft

"I like your scars." "Thank you." "Uncle Reg has a scar." "Is that so?" "Yeah! It's got an ugly snake on it, but yours are pretty."

Oh god he couldnt protect Harry, so he has to protect this girl

Calls him Uncle Remus

And suddenly you can see Regulus Black, a former death eater, and remus lupin, a war hero, trailing behind this little girl as she picks flowers for kretcher

Reg isnt too pleased when Remus starts hanging around, but then he sees her put a bow in his hair and pour him imaginary tea, and god he can't ruin that for her

Oh god when she first shows signs of magic it's an Absolute mess

It probably happened during lunch, Remus had come over for the day, and they all sat at the table like a mismatched family

She had insited on pouring the drinks, her chubby little hands parley rapping around the pitcher, and she slips. They all wait for the crash but when they look the pitcher is floating.

Only for a secound before it completely crashes to the ground and shatters.

Regulus spends the next twenty minutes consoling the crying girl as she apologizes profusely

But hes too stunned to even think about the broken glass, (so is remus, so kretcher is quick to clean it up)

His niece just performed magic for the first time!

Remus and Reg dont even think before they cheering and parading the girl around the house

"My niece performed magic!" "She'll be top of her class at hogwarts!" They go on for hours about how excited they are.

Christmas is weird. At first it's sad, both remus and Reg seem to be lost in the past, but then they hear the excited pad of feet across the floor and they remember what they fought for.

This little girl is spoiled beyond belief, between both her uncles.

Remus gets her loads of sweets, mostly chocolate, and a muggle doll he thought she might like

Reg doesnt spare any expense, all the latest wizard toys are horribly rapped in cheesy wrapping paper. (He insited on wrapping them himself)

And she has gifts for them too

A homemade paper ornament for Remus, and a drawing of all of them for Reg

I had to cut this in half, partly because it was too long, but also because if I don't stop now I never will.