i know the end
a/n: i wrote this months ago while i had covid and then forgot about it and rediscovered recently. if it sucks blame covid brain. also, this piece is told backwards which was an interesting style to write in! anyways, no one will probably read this, but whatever
like father, like father daughter
summary: Rebel's breaking point.
warnings: angst, breakdowns, series of events is told backwards, swearing probably, unedited
word count: 1.6k
“No, I’m not afraid to disappear/the billboard said ‘the end is near’”
You thank the flight attendant as you show her your ticket, before picking up your duffel bag to walk down the boarding bridge. Forcing a smile at the other flight attendant waiting aboard, your eyes scan the small plane, searching for your seat. The plane fills with noise behind you as you get your bag shoved in one of the carry-on cubbies before sliding down into your seat.
The holiday cheer can be felt all around you even as you’re quick to slip in your headphones. The cheer could be felt in every corner in the hustle and bustle of every packed airport you’d stepped foot in since your travel began three days ago in Illinois, to Penscaola, to Paris. Soon you’d feel that cheer in just four short hours when your plane landed in Germany.
You’re sure you’ll feel it when you get to your new base tonight, the excitement of friends and family traveling the world to see their loved ones at the holidays.
The ache in your chest had gotten worse the farther you had gotten from yours just 12 hours ago now, time zones abiding.
You look out the window, the rainy weather smearing the glowing lights of the city.
You think about what it would be like to be flying home to San Diego right now, taking a flight from Paris to Florida to San Diego.
You think of what it would be like to go to the beach at night like you used to when this ache in your chest appeared, go for a night swim, feel the cold salt water against your skin, the burn in your eyes. You smile to yourself, as the Captain makes his announcements as you close your eyes, preparing for takeoff.
The memories of Christmases long since passed, when you had your best friend and flyboy uncles and your Dad and a mother figure. When Christmas was full of warmth and light, bringing everyone together for maybe one time the whole year.
You think of what it would be like to sleep in your own room, the warm covers comfortable against your body. Not like the itchy standard-issue blanket you’ll be sleeping under tonight at your new base. No, the good material, with soft sheets and the comfort and knowledge of being in your own home. Of being in a place that belonged to you.
Maybe in this fantasy, your Dad was there.
Or maybe not.
Maybe you could go for all the late night swims and sleep as late as you wanted under the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree in your room without the presence of the flyboys or your Dad or your Uncle Ice.
No one to be mad at you for what you gave up to have a normal holiday, to sleep in a warm bed, to sleep under stars and skies that felt like home. No one to chide you for staying out all night, wind whipping in your wet hair as you drive through downtown with the windows down and come home at three in the morning. No one to tease you for sleeping till noon and ask how the Navy-ingrained habits disappeared so quickly.
Your skin itched for that peace, for that belonging, that quiet and comfort. The quiet you existed in now was the loudest quiet you had ever heard, screaming as it begged you for something more.
-
The Pensacola night air is warm and humid as you step out of Slider's truck, your uncle grabbing your duffel from the back as you walk up the door.
Ice is already waiting for you, having rearranged everything to fly over to Pensacola to meet you in your overnight layover.
He gives you a soft smile even as you lack the energy to give him one in return, pulling you into a tight, firm hug.
“I’m so sorry kiddo. I’m so sorry, I did everything I could.” He whispers into your hair. You shake your head, pulling away from him.
“I just want to eat.”
He sighs as you push the creaky screen door of Slider’s home open, walking through the living room where Friends is flickering in the background, the volume low as you settle in the kitchen.
You didn’t even have a full night in Pensacola, your flight for Paris leaving at seven in the morning. You’d have time for a quick meal and a few hours of sleep if you were lucky, before Slider would be back delivering you to the airport.
Slider sets a plate in front of you, a steaming dish of your favorite casserole from when you were little. It was Carole’s recipe, something she always made for you when your Dad left town.
“Thanks.”
It’s quiet for a while as you slowly eat, attempting to force yourself to enjoy what would be your last home cooked meal for who knows how long. You feel unable to fight off the quiet numb crawling up your spine, the meal just tasting cold and bland.
“So you must be glad to at least get out of the corn fields, huh?”
You don’t say anything in response to Slider’s joke, chewing softly on your food.
“Well, you know- I did hear something about you having a thing with one of those pilots from your squadron.” You force yourself to swallow around an ill-timed bite as Slider starts again. “The two of you going to write to each other while you’re away?”
You set your fork down, standing up from the table. “I’m full. Thanks for dinner, Sli.”
“Kid-” Ice says, but you’re already slipping up the steps leading to the guest room.
-
Comet’s fingers are running through your hair as you stare up at the ceiling. Out of your periphery, you can see the glint of his dog tags in the moonlight.
“Do you ever think you’re disappointing your parents?”
The words are quiet and soft as his fingers keep moving even as he hums, acknowledging your question.
The weight of your new orders sit heavy, and so had the boarding pass in the envelope you’d gotten this evening.
His fingers feel heavy in your hair, the weight of your words crushing you.
“I don’t know how I could.”
And for Comet, whose real name was James, that was probably true. Growing up as the oldest of six in a low-class family in a small, rural Mississippi town, joining the Navy and becoming a decorated pilot was probably more than his parents had ever dreamed possible for him.
“They wouldn’t be disappointed if you decided to leave this all behind?”
James, who had a mother and father who loved him.
James, who had three sisters and two little brothers who all looked up to him, marveled at him no matter what he did.
James, who was happy and content, and was everything your family would want for you if you could force yourself to be content with it.
James, who had no idea of your past, of your reputation. Of who you had once been.
James, who had no idea it hurt every time the two of you had sex in ways you could never bring yourself to say aloud to him.
James, who had never once forced you to label what the two of you were, even after the two of you had said those three words.
James, who had been talking and was now looking at you in concern as he shifted himself up, pushing some of your hair away from your face.
“-where did you go?”
“We need to end this.”
Comet freezes, before anger flashes across his face, pushing himself off of what would no longer be your base bed come sunrise as he grabs his shirt from the floor.
“How fucking dare you.” He spits, tugging the baby blue material over his head. “I mean- really, after all this, after this whole time you led me to believe this might actually mean something to you.”
“Comet-”
“I’m not a fucking moron, you know.” He says, grabbing his pants off the floor, belt clanging as he does. “I know what they say about you. I know you live your life in fucking la la land, that you’ve been shutting me off since the first time we ever slept together-”
“That’s because that’s all this was.” You insist, pushing yourself up to be propped up on one arm.
“I said I love you-”
“And you meant it?” You ask, raising an eyebrow.
Comet’s nostrils flare. “You’re a fucking bitch.”
You slump back down on the bed as Comet storms out, slamming the door behind him. You wince, wondering if someone on base is going to see him leaving, hear the brief exchange that had just occurred, but at this point-
It doesn’t really matter.
What more could they do to punish you?
-
The cool December air of Illinois stings, the wind raging as you clutch your phone, pressing it to your ear.
“Kid- do?”
The call cuts in the middle of the word, delaying the sound of your Dad’s voice.
In hindsight, it should've been a clear indicator that he’ll never hear what you have to say next.
“Dad.” You cry. “Dad, I got new orders- they’re sending me to fucking Germany. Six days before Christmas.”
You can hear your Dad try to say something, but it’s garbled and distant, nothing but static sounds.
The tears stinging your eyes suddenly become unbearable as you all but collapse on a nearby bench.
“I lied, Dad. I don’t- I don’t want to keep doing this. I’m not happy anymore. I haven’t been happy in so long. I feel fucking miserable, Dad. I want out. I want to run away and never come back. I’m so sorry, I know that I must be the biggest disappointment-” You hiccup, eyes stinging. “Please. I don’t want to do this.”
The phone beeps as the call drops.
Your stomach sinks, horror coursing through you, as the black screen stares back up at you.
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Southern Infrastructure Megastructure Gothic
@eightyonekilograms, in a post about why levees and dikes won't save Florida from Sea Level Rise:
dams and levees won't work because southern Florida is a limestone sponge and the water will just come up through the ground— but with a trillion dollars of other people's money to spend, they'll figure out something. That's what real estate investors are banking on, and they are probably correct.
NOAA has a Sea Level Rise map, which you can jack all the way up to 10 feet above "Current Mean Higher High Water", and then scroll around the entire coastal United States to see what gets flooded.
Pensacola is fine; they know what storm surge looks like from being in the splash-damage radius of every time New Orleans gets fucked.
St. Pete/Clearwater loses its waterfront, but retains significant infrastructure inland.
Naples and Cape Coral lose their entire downtowns, but the inland suburban sprawl survives. I guess they'll need to convert some of those tract houses into neighborhood-scale commercial.
Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and indeed most of Miami-Date and Broward Counties are awash, and become the basis of new coral reefs for the Northern Florida Keys.
But West Palm Beach is okay.
By Congressional mandate, NASA adapts the Cralwers to work as amphibious vechicles, in order to continue using Shuttle-derived hardware at Pad 39, with the new Sea Launch System rated to withstand salt spray inside the engine bells at launch.
SpaceX stops leasing in Texas, where South Padre Island is completely underwater, and buys up an entire subdivision's worth of now-island land in South Miami. The neighbors won't complain about concrete dust if there are no neighbors!
Saint Augustine dies, but Jacksonville is like Pensacola, and picks up its skirts to avoid the puddles.
Trillions of dollars of dikes aren't the answer. The solution will be to jack everything up ten feet, from roads to ports to homes. If you can't adapt to life in a saline intertidal wash, you'll move inland.
No, the real issue will be whether they can build a seawall around DC's National Mall and National Airport that won't offend the sensitivities of climate-denying Congresscritters.
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Happy Storyteller Saturday!
Are there any places, objects, or even people in your stories inspired by or directly borrowed from your real life?
Share a snippet if you like 💜
Thank you for the ask~
So the Sunniva kindred has two bases in my story. Both are completely made up in my head as far as how the buildings are placed, how the inside of the buildings are, what the inside of the rooms are like, etc. However, one of the bases is outside of a large wooded area that crosses into a national park. The woods, the park, the types of trees, the birds, are all inspired by Mammoth Cave National Park and the many woods I traveled through growing up in southern Kentucky.
In the first book of Masterpiece, I describe Glen walking down the street to get to Vlad's house. (This is from the second draft, so please excuse any errors.)
Along the street was a series of separated townhouses and tiny homes. The entire area seemed quaint, older than the rest of town, but well kept. The streetlights seemed new, their artificial light bright and unwavering. Mature trees lined the sidewalk, a predictable length between each one, and their branches were trimmed to create space for people to walk under them. Glen hated areas like this where humans attempted to mesh nature and architecture together for aesthetics.
The vampire never understood why humans would cut down trees, build their homes or cities, and then plant new ones. There was plenty of space for humanity around the trees, plenty of space for polluted cities away from forests. On top of everything, humans had a way of replanting things so unnaturally, equal distances apart, this way or that way, to make it look pretty. Glen knew for a fact that humans were a natural occurrence of the world, and despite being human himself once, he still didn’t understand how they made everything they touched so inherently wrong.
Vlad’s house was different, at least on the outside. Glen had been around the property plenty of times, trying to keep tabs on the psychiatrist, and was familiar with it. The front of the house was boring, three steps leading up to a tiny covered porch, a strip of grass around the house. Around the back however, was a decent backyard. There were three large trees in the back that shaded most of it, tiny wildflowers dappling through the grass and spotting it with pink and white where the sun shone. A tiny natural paradise in a town of boring grass lawns.
Copyright © 2023. Aster Haze. All rights reserved.
I wrote this with the idea of walking down the outer New Orleans area and downtown Pensacola, Florida. The houses there are older, well kept, but obviously meticulously planned by super neat architects a long time ago. Glen's thought process about how unnatural humans make things is ripped straight out of both mine and my spouse's feelings and conversations concerning that subject while walking down those streets. We don't hate people and we don't hate that they have to do that, but we think it's goofy.
Vlad's backyard is actually the front yard of my childhood home, only smaller. Glen and Vlad are both actually based on me in different parts of my life, even though they are very different from each other. Ska is loosely based on my spouse so it's neat that my spouse is my sensitivity reader for him. How I describe Silvia is based on the feelings I had for someone I was engaged to before we broke up and I met my spouse.
Finally, all of Glen's mental what-the-heck is based on my own experience with PTSD.
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