#dont try to fix or accept it

[yellowistheraddest]

pretty sure my coding hell has come to an end because ifucked up somewhere early on and i cannot find the problem, so this weekend im gonna grind so fucking hard to make the report make sense even if i couldnt get the analysis to work

[moeblob]

i have no idea where the compulsion to giver her a pokemon came from ??? but her and her minccino gotta go make sure her husband stays safe.

[arsenicflame]

i do feel deeply screwed over by the fact that the best way i have of rebalancing myself is to completely isolate myself from my friends and connections and interests, to untether myself from reality to reset a mythical gauge so i can... you know.... fucking exist again without feeling absolutely out of control.

how is it fair that to be able to talk to my friends i have to stop talking to my friends?

[nururu]

I only ever comment on tiktok in order to change ppls perceptions of Sanji smh it's all so surface level one way or the other and then I hit them w the deep analysis and they're like "oh wait I never thought of it like that.. ur right".... What am I doing spending my time white knighting for Sanji smfh

[unnonexistence]

fuuuuuuck celiac disease

[mintyvoid]

i actually did something productive today-

been wanting to update my portfolio- maybe apply to some jobs, so I figured I'd go through what i've done over the past few years to see is theres anything I hadn't posted that could be used. or stuff that i should post.

unfortunately it wasn't as bountiful as i hoped, nor motivating overall.

if anything i think it was demotivating =3=

[companionwolf]

if this was inevitable. what was the point. a brief freedom? only for it to be taken. i can't stop thinking abt ct. and wp. and just. my friends. my friends! 'oh but they're not dead or gone' it feels that way! which ig is unhealthy too right?! so dissociated it feels like loss. that's what people would say. 'don't grieve them they're not absent' then why does it feel that way huh? why?

and then. i don't know what happened. what possibility is true. i might never know. and it might happen again. to us. to me. if i or anyone else takes a perceived misstep. i am so fucking sad. so fucking afraid. of what it meant, what it means. what happens next.

[sereniv]

I saved a daddy long legs!

i was scared and (i know dont @ me) was considering spraying him because I still fear spiders and spider-look-a-likes

up until past few years ive been working really hard on figuring out how to save them rather than kill bc ofc, it doesnt align with my views to kill them

normally i let my dog eat them to justify it- ironically, bc "im not killing them, my dog is"

but he was in one place, not moving and i was on the toilet, so i took the time to read up about him.

i named him, forced myself to, and to call him cute, so that it would make it harder for me to go through with killing him

i tried to imagine him being curious, or scared, or relaxing. Though i know most likely they arent capable of it in a way we can understand, it still helped me see him as no different than my dog or cat or me, rather than "just a bug' or some type of 'scary thing'

and in the end i saved him! container and a folder.

i still was scared, but seeing the (idk another word) humanity in him, the value he has and that he has for himself as a living being, helped make it possible to save him

its still really hard, and on occasion i do end up killing spiders or having my dog eat them when its quick scenarios where i dont have time to think it through

but compared to years ago ive gone from saving 0 to maybe 80%

and this is one of those moments where, its not exactly possible for me to push myself because it can undo all the work ive done. and thats ok.

this is the best i can do right now and im proud of myself.

my best, is not how i imagine my best being. in my mind, i could push myself harder but thats not practical.

doing your best is strategic.

im just so glad i didnt kill him. reading about him, learning about him, appreciating his role, and labeling him cute and giving him a name helped a lot

and sometimes, anthropomorphizing animals can be beneficial. i know he doesnt feel fear and curiosity like i do, but if it means not unnecessarily taking a life, then he does to me in that moment

[navramanan]

i guess our wants and needs and expectations dont align so we dont work out as friends and i just need to accept that. no matter how much she meant to me and how much i wished it wouldnt be like this

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

[marinaraimpasta]

doctors visit was really awful today

[tortademaracuya]

I cant believe i have been stuck trying to get to work the most basic shit ever and Im gonna fail at everything because Im too dumb to realize what's not working 🙃

[saturnsocoolioyep]

Also there's the fun thing I've been dealing with lately where sometimes you actually DON'T have the energy to do low effort low stakes hobbies. I love drawing, making jewelry, I just started watching Haikyuu and adore it so far, but most days lately I have had the energy to... lay in bed. Play a mobile game. It's a real mindfuck when you can't even do the video games and crafts and TV watching you want to, especially because people get... weird about it, I think.

Sometimes it feels like people want to imagine I'm on some long extended vacation where I just get to lay around and be lazy and do whatever fun stuff I want. It feels like they dont really understand that this SUCKS, actually. I would love to be pursuing my hobbies and interests rn! But there's so much that feels impossible to do when its like... how am I supposed to do tedious things I wish I didn't have to, like shower or eat, when I can't even bring myself to do the fun, exciting, fulfilling, or relaxing things? The things that "should" make me happy? And how in the ever loving hell am I ever meant to have a Real Job when this is my reality?

And as mentioned above, it gets a little difficult trying to sit through people's... well-meaning advice about what kind of job or career I "should" go into or try when I KNOW that I wouldn't be able to do what they suggest, and the consequences for even trying it would be personally disastrous. Everything seems to contain some element of "I can't do that" which people tend to interpret as some kind of defeatist or pessimistic attitude, when in reality it's an assessment of my limitations and what I'm capable of handling. Again, the amount of effort/energy required to Work far far exceeds those limitations, especially considering how much time I spend where the amount required for Leisure already exceeds them. It feels like this concept is just. Incomprehensible to most people, and so rather than trying to actually empathize and understand, they default to what they were taught as kids.

"If you're too sick to work, you're too sick to play." It's such bullshit.

Kinda wild how most people generally recognize that the "too sick to go to school, too sick to watch tv/play games" mindset our parents had was bullshit but still impose essentially the exact same rules on disabled adults and scrutinize them for enjoying low-energy hobbies while being too fatigued or in pain to work a full time job (or any job at all)

[notyonatto]

why cant the lake flood my streets and fill my lungs and let me drift away down the current. i wish i had friends nearby. Someone whose presence i can just bask in while i feel my insides shred themselves to ribbons.