#dont stonewall your fucking kids

[despazito]

i forgot how much spanking there was in old cartoons

[krispiecake]

uk moots idk if youve seen the rishi sunak school guidelines shit but. like it was already so bad like its been getting worse and worse for years now and somehow it just. like i dont think ive heard someone say something so obviously VILE about the equality act.. ever. i know its not all official yet like it was a proposed speech but i do not see this being scrapped not with the people in control rn. this is gonna kill lgbt kids especially trans kids and i feel so fucking helpless again.

[mysticpear]

running list of my favorite moments from Paris 2024

the rapper who now sponsors women's wapo

stephen from penn state and everyone being obsessed with pommel horse now

SIMONE BILESSSSSSSSS literally eating after tokyo and at age 27 (dont fact check me im not doing google searches)

jade carrey's grace after her quals on floor

womens gymnastics having qualifiers on every event in the top 3

womens gymnastics leading all teams by FIVE WHOLE POINTS and the 2nd/3rd difference being 2 TENTHS (aka 5.0 vs 0.2)

synchronized diving bros tm

the new womens gymnastics commentators who are focusing on the incredible skill of the athletes and their resilience and safety rather than a single flexed foot like in the past

aly raisman is there love

waiting for track events bc i just want to see hurdles and sha'carri richardson

womens rugby absolutely demolishing great britain

con't:

12. snoop memes 13. simone's response to reporters asking about hezly, simone's caption under the team gold win, simone's response to aly raisman asking what the team nickname is 14. stephen from penn state again for becoming an overnight national hero 15. the main woman on the rugby team (ilana?? not sure) whos fully an icon and a beast and knows it as she damn well should 16. my friends and coworkers tolerating my gymnastics infodumps

con't part 2:

17. SIMONE GETTING BLOCKED BY MYKAYLA LMFAO 18. continuation of stephen memes i love them keep it up 19. just saw that apparently martha stewart is joining snoop for equestrian events bc "he's afraid of horses" 20. ILONA MAHER MY ICON MY LOVE 21. tom daly's sweaters and children 22. simone biles' husband (no he will not have a name) sitting with her parents and keeping their scorecard. v wholesome 23. aly raisman asking the team what their name is and simone fully glitching on how to not say "fuck" at a press event

WAIT SAME DAY BUT I THOUGHT OF MORE

24. pregnant fencer winner, can u imagine growing up like "yeah i technically medaled at the olympics bc my mom had been growing me for SEVEN MONTHS already" that kid is gonna have incredible stories 25. simone and her biggest competitor Rebeca Andrade cheering each other on even tho they're both going to all around medals on different teams. they FUCKING GET IT that's girlhood 26. katie ledecky eating it up year after year

part three of the day:

27. the gymnast who's sponsored by cheese?? jealous 28. the swimmer whos obsessed with the muffins so true king chase your passions 29. i found my favorite meme, allow me to quote: "gay men thirsting over the lithe sun-kissed swimmers' bodies of Team Italia and lesbians thirsting over a woman in a backwards hat and severe bob doing shooting - this is what those people at Stonewall died for" with a gif of the pistol icon queen (do not know her name) (also this is obv dramatic, we know Stonewall is a deep and complex history, don't @ me) 30. a clip of synchronized divers from (i think) china and the commentators were talking about how they had to come up with a new term to describe their water entry and it was something along the lines of splash disappear magic or smth. crazy

I'm back and worse than ever 31. HAPPY SHA'CARRI RICHARDSON IS RUNNING DAY 32. Alice Bellandi, who i just found out about. LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GOOOOOOO 33. i just.. something about the olympics exposing how much progress there is to be made in the world. year after year. from women's rights to gay rights to trans rights to racism to sexism and on and on and on. some dumbos were like "yay international competition" and instead got lesbians celebrating their gold medals w their gfs and women sharing about how they had a therapy appt right before they competed. its kind of a beautiful testament to the validity and worldwide nature of these issues 34. simone sharing that she met w her therapist the morning of her all around gold win 35. once again SIMONE'S FAMILY AND THEIR SHIRTS IM CRYING 36. im kind of obsessed with seeing noticeable mistakes intermixed with perfection 37. PIN TRADING specifically the clip of ilona maher trading w simone

anotha one

38. Jade Carrey medaling on vault 39. Suni medaling on AA 40. stephen again. SLAY individual PH medalist!!!! one of my best friends texted me to make sure i'm also obsessed with him and i told her about my deepdive into his gf's NCAA career lol. PS stephen you should come visit ur alma mater because you genuinely seem like one of the coolest people ever and i wanna meet you. 41. shoutout to frederick richards (also men's usa gym) for tearing it up all the damn time. i think he posts a lot on social media and the men's all around gymnasts should be getting a whole bunch of hype 42. Sha'Carri Richardson. so beauty so grace. she didn't even look like she was trying for the last quarter of her 100m qual. 43. related: im obsessed with the purple track like hello???? iconic 44. video of the camera man for trampoline. just up down up down up down 45. honestly every new thing i find out about the shooting events (incl the post about america not medaling at all but phrased as a clear dig at our firearm policy) 46. how (and maybe this is just me) women are fully dominating the news cycle in terms of what i hear about the olympics. the only men i've heard about are stephen and the Dad energy guy shooting for turkey, everything else is THE GIRLS 47. katie ledecky holding so many consecutive spots on every event record list she's on

hello again

48. Snoop ACTUALLY with martha stewart and both of them in full esquestrine (??) fits 49. WOMEN HAVE WON THE V A S T MAJORITY OF USA INDIVIDUAL MEDALS YAAAAA 50. ilona maher still shes just. ugh. (as i write this i get a post w a pic of her and stephen captioned "asking a bisexual woman to explain her type" lmao) 51. KAYLIA (?) AKA ALGERIA'S FIRST GYMNASTICS MEDALIST 52. proposal 53. the mixed doubles couple in ?? badminton?? who broke up to focus on their sport then won together and got back together <3 love is real 57. not only the pregnant fencer but I also just saw about a pregnant shooter??? again these kids are gonna have top tier bragging rights. also women are sick as hell 58. maybe already said this but im not reading the last fifty seven entries to check so any of the women's gymnasts and their just proud af smiles when they hit an incredible stick. like the way they just stand there for a sec and slowly bring their arms down bc they previously accounted for an extra beat while landing. chefs kiss ugh 59. whoever the hell made stephen an american flag cape 60. omfg saw a post with a bunch of people talking about stephen and one of the connections was "so and so who is in the pommel horse specialist group chat" because a) that is a thing that exists??? im so delighted and b) what he was saying was that he usually logs on to see that stephen is playing some NERD ASS VIDEO GAME (i am not that direction of nerd so i dont remember which it was). obsessed 61. IMANE KHELIF. get angry yall. saw someone say "all it took was the other woman saying she had never taken a hit that hard. but girl ur in the hit people hard sport. at the most elite level." like ya. reading up on the "transvestigation" which is a term i just learned and genuinely needs to be cut tf out because the implication that ALL men will be and are biologically stronger than ALL women is absolute bs. 62. Noah Lyles: "America. I told you. I got this" so true king 63. the medal counter that added a ring category for the couple that got engaged lol very wholesome 64. jade carrey coming back to the olympics simply because she didn't perform up to her standards at Tokyo 65. omg the pic of simone touching up her lip liner SO iconic 66. oh the other name for the womens gymnastics team (other than fuck around and find out) being the golden girls because they're the oldest team to compete maybe ever? for usa 67. the owner of stephen's former (? current?) gym saying the phone has been ringing non stop with parents signing their sons up for classes 68. DID I ALREADY SAY LAURIE HERNANDEZ COMMENTATING + HER W ALY AGAIN??? 69. as the sixty ninth entry this feels appropriate. the paris pole vaulter who didn't win bc his dick caught the bar. 70. also sha'carri richardson's silver but also her in team USA and a ponytail... idk if i love or feel a Type of Way bc shes so known for her own style but also this feels super affirming that she's competing for team USA but not in a way thats something she needed, more like we needed. does this make sense

[blood-injections]

show pony hcs?

WOO SHOW PONY YEAH OF COURSE

They're Dr D's actual nephew and grew up visiting him and being a little helper at the radio station he's had since the nineties.

No sense of self preservation honestly, okay so this is like my favorite headcanon for them just because its silly and they're a badass. So they grew up visiting LA but dr d took them away from it before the and of the wars so they never lived in it while it turned into battery city, and they've never been captured, but they have indeed been to battery city. Because they've broken in. Solely to be gay do crime. They sneak into the city to graffiti shit and flirt with pornodroids and recruit them to throw bricks into windows with them(not of apartments or townhomes, just the research and bli buildings and occasional business). They wear their skates or bring a skateboard, they dont drive, half the time they bring a boombox, blasting the fucking beastie boys or something in the middle of the night while they skate around the city, and somehow theyve never been noticed by bli or had to fight their way out, theyre crazy and i love them

Punk as shit, you don't grow up with your cool uncle that was openly gay in the nineties without learning that capitalism sucks and cops aren't your friends. Its a big part of why they sneak into the city and be a nuisace, becuse they want to do more than just fight from the zones, because that city was their home once, before bli took it over and put up the walls, and unlike most joys who hate battery city and just want to burn it to the ground, pony wants to save it. They want to cause a more direct change, something physical thats there in the morning, so that the juvie halls and city folk can see it and see bli working to scrub away grafiiti and fix shattered windows and they'll all know theres someone else out there that doesn't agree with bli, fighting for them and maybe theyll be inspired to do more too. And its why they recruit the droids or juvie halls they come across and put a brick in their hand, because the power that comes with that, the inspiration, it spreads, because Pony's read the stories about the Stonewall riots and knows that if enough of the city could unite to fucking fight from the inside, they could make a real change.

Cherri's their older brother, not biologically but they dont care, they were both too young to fight in the wars but thats where they met, when dr d was looking after them and took cherri in when he lost his dad, who was dr d's friend. They grew up in the zones together, learned to shoot together, figured out out who they are together, they're fuckin siblings.

Their gender is whatever annoys you the most at the moment, it also depends on who theyre around around, like with Poison they're like im ur girlfriend vs with Cherri like yeah im your brother. They dont care what people call them.

Childhood best friends with Newsie but you'd never know it. They fight like siblings but they're thick as theives. When the wars started they were kids that thought theyd never see eachother again, but they reunited years later as killjoys

They're crazy friendly, like terrifyingly outgoing. They love everybody and everybody loves them but they manage to stay pretty humble about it

Theyr'e super dramatic and LOVE to gossip

Horrible artist, cant draw for shit. Great at collages though, they make all the zines and posters for radio shows. You can tell when they made one because there's glitter on it.

Has a helmet. Never wears it.

Proud polycule girlfriend of jet star and party poison

[transchaoswitchqueer]

nickname: doll is fun :3

zodiac sign: capricorn I think idk lol

height: I think like 5'9 or 6' not sure at all though lol

last thing i googled: Honestly no clue probably something about figuring something out in sky factory

amount of sleep: sleep nah

dream job: Dont wana do any job tbh but out of all the options drawing trans people is the one :3 (I refuse to do anything for allocishet people)

movie/book that describes me most: uhhh wonder egg priority ig?? (I know its a show I dont care B3)

favourite song: Probably pronouns by dog park dissidents

favourite instrument: SYNTHS THEY"RE SO AMAZING YOU CAN DO SO MUCH WITH THEM

favourite aesthetics: probably like hot as fuck drag/stonewall era clothing all those homeless queer kids knew how to dress

favourite author: I dont read for shit so I'll go with artists, uh precious child

random fun fact: dont wear hoodies/jackets in fights, they restrain your arms and get in your face lol Tags, I dont use tumblr that much so I dont have anyone to tag :p

hehehe starting another tag gamee

nickname : irl i dont rlly have one?? also dont think i have one here??

zodiac sign : cancer <33

height : 5'6 (168cm maybe??)

last thing I googled: the road toll from where we stayed at the beach to home

amount of sleep: bro like 6 then i was up for a few hours then 2 more

dream job: upper high/uni teacher (specifically english and humanities) but if not idk i just wanna sit in my room with my silly little guys

movie/book that describes me the most: movie would probably be ladybird it makes me so fdahfdhalk

favorite song: atm gibson girl by ethel cain (been listening to her album recently fdhlhfald)

favorite instrument: to listen to, i lovee the sound of orchestral string instruments in pop/modern songs. to play would be drumkit or guitar

favorite aesthetics: omggg so many but i love downtown girl/rockstar girlfriend (even tho i AM the rockstar and the girlfriend ehehe)

favorite author: as of now octavia e. butler

random fun fact: my favourite potato chip flavour is sea salt and balsamic vinegar

npt <3 @zzzzzzzzzee @dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies @literatureisdying @tellme-o-muse @recklessandyoung @holdmyteaplease @strawberryloveyyy @syzygy-yzygy @svnflowermoon @ineedibuprofen @august-taylors-version @a-portal-to-nowhere @qwerty-keysmash @judeisthedude @wastedonthesebutterflies @skeelly @trying-to-be-cool-abt-it @bookscorpion73 @mandythedino @personifiedgoldenretriever @notatypicalhumanatall @isitoversnowtvs @stopurlosingme @evermore-4-life @evazlana @giveuthemo0n and anyone else that wants to join <33

[critical-and-cringe]

The fact that advanced geometry skills are considered more important by the American School system then like....

Basic knowledge of history that doesn’t revolve around the founding fathers...

Is an absolute atrocity.

[adhbabey]

Ngl, I want to talk about something that's been pissing me off lately. And it's about the s*per str*ight phenomenon, and if you don't want to hear about it, please scroll on.

Anyway, I'm really tired of people who say they're s*per. Like are you kidding me? You sound like a fucking joke. You just want oppression points and it's just queerphobic in general, not just transphobic.

For one thing, you're privileged, you get to date and be in love without being discriminated ALREADY. You get to get married, hold hands in public, never converted or anything. It's a fucking slap in the face when you say this shit. That you want a month, that you have a flag, it honestly sounds like no nut november.

For another thing, your stupid flag?? It looks like the system pride flag! Which is black, white and orange. I won't share colours with you ever. Go fuck yourselves with that shit.

And here's the fucking kicker, this has never been a sexuality. It's literally just transphobia, if not internalized transphobia. Queer people have to get over their internalized hatred all the time. Gay and multi attraction people have to get over internalized homophobia. Gay and ace/aro people have to get over compulsory heterosexuality. Trans and Nonbinary people have to get over internalized transphobia. All kinds of people, all kinds of people have to get over it. So don't go around thinking you're special parading around your "s*per special" transphobia.

If you use this term to describe yourself, you're an exclusionist. It was never about genital preference, stop telling yourself that. You wouldn't have mocked the whole queer pride movement if that was the case.

Stonewall was started by trans black women.

You don't get to be a part of this because you're not fucking queer, you're just an asshole.

Disclaimer: Dont come at me with the s*per gay shit. You know you're just hopping on the exclusionist train. Also s*per bi? Really? You motherfuckers didn't even have a genital preference to begin with. Don't try to argue that shit to me.

[herrashmoo]

secondly, im not a tumblr teen. ive been on this website for god knows how long and ive been well versed in queer history. me calling them a pedophile, after a conversation with them resulted in them refusing to admit sexual imagery is not for children, them calling me a bootlicker and several other names, before getting wildly upset and blocking me, had nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with the fact that they couldnt tell me sexual imagery is not a thing for minors to consume period end of story. this is AFTER the fact i had been a bit more educated about pride and had ALREADY agreed where i went wrong. now about the sanitization of pride- thats wrong as well. dont get me wrong. but you cant seriously look me in the face and tell me that sexual imagery is not for minors. like- just that statement alone, right? so how is this such a controversy?

ugh okay I guess I’m gonna write A Thing. I’ll get into a proper response to your final questions but first, let’s do some context work.

first thing to make clear is that I know Jux irl, and I also want to make it pretty clear that they and I have pretty similar opinions here, I’m just slightly more likely to put my anger aside to reply to stuff. Do not get it twisted, rhetoric like the kind you were/are using is like, a big red flag for me, it’s the kind of shit reactionaries have been using for eons and like, were I in a less chill mood, I would’ve also likely written you off as a bootlicker troll. Their response was pretty aggressive but not completely misplaced, so I just want to make it clear that like, as another queer dude who is tired of seeing this shit every fucking May for the better part of a decade, I’m also exhausted and pissed off.

As for my claim of teenagerdom, I apologize if that offended, but you have to understand that, generally speaking, the loudest groups having this conversation on the regular are (1) right-wing reactionaries, TERFs, and their ilk trying to stir shit up (see: Operation Pridefall) and (2) young people who don’t have any context for Pride, often haven’t been, and only really have queer politic and history from tumblr and twitter threads featuring reactionary revisionism from the first group. When I see people engage in this conversation, I generally assume they’re in the latter group, as it helps me try to frame my responses in the best faith I can given how tired I am of this shit.

But that aside, sure. Kink isn’t for children. But provided there’s a parent accompanying this hypothetical child at Pride, their job is to explain and provide context for the things they can, and give a solid “you’ll learn more when you’re older” for the things they can’t. The Village People are all each in different kink gear, and as a kid I was told “they like to dress up, and there’s some costumes specifically for adults,” and I was good. I saw bare titties at festivals, smelled weed at concerts, saw bulge at the beach — these are normal human things that happen in the world, and having a responsible adult nearby to explain or provide context for them made them non-issues for me. I don’t think a kid seeing a pup hood is thinking anything more than “oh cool, that dude is dressed up as a dog.” Kids understand fantasy and make-believe. And especially as they age into their teenage years, withholding or sheltering them from knowledge about sex and sexuality can do real damage — hell, we’ve been having that conversation for over a century at least.

(Spring’s Awakening was first published in 1891 and was deeply censored in productions for the better part of a century, due to the content of the work, which is about how sheltering young teens (both straight and queer) from sexual content (and also mental health resources) leads them to try to figure shit out on their own and make catastrophic decisions that they don’t understand the consequences of until it’s too late. Great play, pretty great musical adaptation, wild that we keep rehashing its points like clockwork over a century after publication.)

But I am also of the opinion that Pride isn’t for children, as, while two decades of assimilationist politic would desperately try to argue otherwise, I am queer because I am sexually attracted to, and have sex with, other men. Pride is a response to the criminalization of queer sex acts, and so it is, in turn, a celebration of queer sex acts. So if someone wants to walk around in chaps and a jock, great! If someone wants to wear their pup gear or a harness or a rope tie or a vest, fuck yeah! It’s a space specially carved out for celebrating the queer experience — the original Pride flag (before it was simplified to make it easier to mass produce for profit, which, again, love seeing our culture made into product) had a pink stripe at the very top, specifically representing sexuality. It is, ostensibly, the thing that defines our community (at least the L G and B parts of it) as an outgroup against the mainstream society.

I think that, if you are uncomfortable with kink displays, or you’re uncomfortable with children seeing kink displays, then Pride is not for you or your children! Don’t go! There’s kid-friendly and sanitized versions of Pride in most major cities, do some research into your local/state Stonewall organizations and you can find more about them. But I’m already sick of having actual cops at Pride, I don’t need people who are uncomfortable with displays of sexuality also policing myself or any other queer person in a space they have spent decades carving out for themselves.

A final note �� if you don’t understand why a queer person would blow up and completely write off your bullshit after calling them a pedophile, I urge you to do more reading, more listening. I know that in this brave new world of same-sex marriage equality and PrEP access that it’s hard to remember the collective trauma that the community has experienced, but this shit is inflammatory, you’re straight up spewing fightin’ words. The dude wearing a leather harness at Pride isn’t trying to corrupt any youth or fuck any kids, they’re just trying to live their shit, and I’m sorry that you and so many others have somehow decided that that’s an attack on a demographic of people who aren’t the audience for a celebration of sexuality. We’re not fucking pedophiles, and this “think about the kids” nonsense is some Reagan-era bullshit.

[popculturebuffet]

Star Vs: Monster Bash Review or “Holy Shit Concentrated Into An Episode”

Hello everybody! I’m Jacob Mattingly and welcome back to my tom lucitor retrospective, where I go through every major apperance of everyone’s faviorite demon boy boy. In case you watch my schedule or reguarlly read this blog, and if so thank you.. especially you Kevin your a peach, you’ll know this one got pushed back two weeks because the day it was scheduled.. was the day AFTER the US Capitol Insurgency. So yeah an episode HEAVILY dealing with racisim, with a downer ending and a lot to dig into on the same day a bunch of racists stormed the captail to try and illegally keep another racist in office due to his bullshit claims the electoin was fraud, when it wasn’t he just can’t admit he lost, and their own idocy, violence and hatred was not something I could handle that day and I did some mickey mouse instead.  But while the effects of said riot are still being felt, and unlike many republicans are saying we shouldn’t just “move on” or “try to heal” because the wound needs to be properly examined so the people who carved our country open with a rusty knife can be prosecuted for it, enough time has passed that I can get back on the horse and eat that horse when it comes to this episode. Also expect new tomtrospective weekly with some exceptions till it’s done. So with the real world reasons for the delay out of the way, on with the show.  Previously on Star Vs: Star had a full subplot dealing with her super powered mewberity form, which was now golden and creating bunches of portals. While she wanted to just let it go loose on Eclipsa’s suggestoin, eventually it caused too much damage and Hekapoo was livid when Marco revealed he’d been covering for her and Star, realizing her friend was running himself ragged and ruined a friendship to help her, went to the source of all magic to fix things, metting the baby unicorns and with thier help gaining control over her form. While she does not use it given she JUST got it before this episode, it’s very relevant and makes her come off very stupid but we’ll get to that

In more directly relevant stuff, and our main event, we need to talk about Ms. Henious. Ms. Henious was introduced all the way back in Season 1 as head of St. Olga’s School for Wayward princsesses. She’s voiced by Jessica Walter, aka Malory Archer, Lucille Bluth and .. Fran Sinclair from dinosaurs?

I’ll process that later. Point is she’s a talented lady and voiced Henious perfectly. Henious ran the school as a nightmarish hellhole that stripped away princsesses indviduality when they became too much for their parents. Granted some did genuinely need to be reigned in, Pony went there and so did princess squishy a princess that tried to reinact the plot of face off despite her and star not even being the same species let alone looking remotely similar.. she also liked to say camera phone a lot despite all phones being camera phones for over a decade. 

But again like most reform schools it’s a hell hole dedicated more to beating and psyihholically tourturing the rebel or asshole out of you than actually helping so Star and Marco broke in to break out. It naturally was difficult and strenious but in the process our heroes freed the other girls and Marco became feminsest icon Princess Marco. And Marco’s possible gender fluidity, or being trans,  was well loved and while he was later said to hate the princess marco idntenity later.. I still dont’ quite buy it and feel Disney just wanted to nip any implications in the bud. Because their stupid and often non-inclusive to the queer community and have to be fought to get inclusivity in there half the time. Could’ve been clumsy writing and the writers not getting people really relating to marco possibly being gender fluid or trans, which given this season’s clumsy writing with marco in general I could buy, but i’m banking more on disney, where one executive can somehow stonewall gay representation because apparnetly one guy was the one who objected to enchanting grom fright.. and he can also go fuck himself with an old rhino’s horn. Which horn is up to you. Also we got two major hints at the future iwth her: a creepy mural star found of monsters and Henious being revealed to have cheek marks she supressed with her very own brainwashing machine. 

Our heroes revolution had uintetional side-effects as St.O’s became a party school, though it’s students actually still came back better for the moast part. Henious was thrown out, reduced to sleeping in her car with her manservant gemini and sending Rasticore, a septarian mercinary afer star.. and then carrying his arm around when he got reduced to that.. not because of star but because of a rogue gift card. We don’t have time to unpack that, so she later tried attacking one more time in season 2, in one of the single worst episodes of the series, as she attacked and Marco’s Parents, instead of being concerned about the strange woman and man and lizard man arm attacking thier children, were more concerned about.. tehir cool neighbors. which could’ve been funny but just got frustrating, especially because Marco defended himself well, pointing out while he trashed her school, and gets merchandising rights from princess marco merch, she you know, brainwashed innocent to semi innocent children and was in general horrible and his parents are only humoring her because they were both out of hte loop, which due to this being shortly before star and marco leaves amounts to nothing, and because of the stupid plot. 

So after that we got one more apperance in season 3 with her trying to expose marco as a boy to turn the princsses against him and get her school back.. but it was clearly a desperate and flimsy plan and they knew that already, and don’t care because their accepting. And again have done better without her so she gets thrown out and swore revenge on Marco, and here we are.  Finally, since returning Star’s been more active in monster rights, replacing their old batshit insane and patronizingly racist expert with Buff Frog and starting a position to get royal signatures. Obviously this dosen’t sound like the most effective way to do things but it’s both teenager accurate and not the worst plan i’ve heard from a teenager this week.. granted that’s also because I covered a teenager trying to win back her good for not a lot 23 year old boyfriend by stabbing his current girlfriend he left her for a bunch, so it’s not exactly a high bar to clear. So outside of the golden form thing, which i’ll get to in the review proper why I brought that up, that’s what’s all built up to this the mid season finale. While Stump Day DID come after this, I chose to cover it before it since it both takes place before that and feels out of place in the very story heavy episodes after it. So with that out of the way we’ll be taking a look at the full episode and Star’s horrible, no good, very bad night under the cut. 

We open at the Monster Temple, that place Ludo and Toffee were headquartered at for season 2 and the battle of mewni mini, where Star is holding a PARTY!

This.. this came up when I typed party. I don’t know why and I don’t WANT to know. I mean party is in the name.. is that a party line? Is this phone sex? No.. just no.. I don’t want dirty sweaty pigs in my phone sex.. I want Rocko like a gentlemen. 

Now THAT’S hot. And honestly with what i’ve admitted about myself at this point, can you genuinely tell if i’m joking or not?  Point is Marco and Rich Pidgeon are pitching in. Oh yeah those of you who didn’t get this far in the series, again hi kevin, might wonder wait whose that... well he’s a rich pidgeon, part of the pidgeon kingdom a kingdom of pidgeons that moved into another family’s castle, presumibly killed them, the book wasn’t specific on that and is now just a large bunch of pidgeons that don’t talk human except rich and get all creepy. They also have an excutioner which is as great a visual as you imagine. 

That and Marco tried faking singing rich singing it by shving a pien in his foot and making him sign it.. he didn’t know he was fully sapient but still. But it’s also season 3 marco. The fact he didn’t accidently burn the castle down trying to impress star and being mad when she wasn’t happy he comitted arson is an achievement. Rich apparently holds a grudge but says just kiddng.. maybe.. i’d be prepared for a pidgeon with a machete if I were Marco. Thankfully i’m not.. I mean I hate myself enough. 

Anyways the party is in full swing, as both monsters and mewmans are there. On the mewman sides are the royals we met at the Silver Bell Ball and on the monster side are a bunch of monster teens who look up to star we previously met during the Ludo arc in season 2. Pony arrives bringing a photo booth. And kelly! 

And also Johnny Blowhole...

That dolphin what showed up a few times, including in the comic and the show, like most of it’s supporting cast, just sorta forgot. Also was going to be my porn name, just in case till it ended up attached to a fictonal teenager. Did.. did not think naming a character “blowhole” through did they? 

Anyways the party is at “middle school dance” levels of awkward with the monsters and humans on other sides. Rock seems to be getting ready for a racist tyrade and singles out a yak like monster.. only to instead compliment the guy’s ripped jeans and the two compliment each other on horns... turns out the ones Rock always wear aren’t decorative but part of him due to a boating accident. Shame we never got more of this kid. that’s a good kid I tell you what.  But honestly and since the moment is right given their all in this episode.. we never get a lot of the other royals outside of tom and star PERIOD. While Penelope would show up one last time and Larry would make a cameo for the most part their just.. background filler. Even this pettitoin arc was two episodes long. Rich is BRAND new and he gets way more focus.. and even he only gets to show up again for the big “Gondor calls for aid moment” in season 4 where star summoned whoever she could get on short notice. And is the ONLY royal to besides Ponyhead. Larry has an intresting enough design but the underwater kingdom only got featured in the deep trouble tie in comic that got cut short, and he wasn’t created yet so he doesen’t even show up for it. Jagg’s is such a footnote to the creators she dosen’t ever show up after this, and finally Rock, despite being star’s COUSIN and despite his kingdom being specifically mentioned as the hardest to make sympathetic to eclipsa during her own entirely ignored arc trying to win over the other kingdoms, and despite it being where River comes from and thus possibly providing some more insight into that awesome, awesome man.. we get nothing. Hell the Cloud Kingdom of the Ponyeheads ONLY gets two visits despite being home of one of the main cast.. god I just realized Ponyhead was part of the main cast. 

So while I grapple with that, Star figures the punch is too warm and while Marco goes to get ice, she tries to remind him she can do magic and accidently puts it in your standard cartoon ice block.. and being star gets her tounge stuck. Thankfully her savior comes in the form of tom who being.. you know.. tom.. can simply melt it down and reminds her he’s been there the whole time. She’s just been a bit distracted with you know, trying to ease centuries of racial tension in a well meaning but ultimately pointless at best and risky at worst, partay. And dosen’t seem to get WHY she dosen’t want to dance.. even if they do have a REALY fucking cute moment where he leans in to kiss her, she catches him on it.. then blows a raspberry into his mouth when he does and smooches him on the cheek a bunch. 

But the whole thing leaves him as a grumpus venting to marco and boiling the punch.. though at least Marco gets to use that ice now so silver linings and all that. And when marco tries to explain he tells him he dosen’t “talk politics”

My baby boy.. i’m so disapointed in you. And Marco points out as he leaves “your a prince everything you do is political. “. Which is.. HALF true. I mean tom going to the bathroom or eating a taco or taking his grandpa fo ra walk on his leash so he dosen’t gouge anyones eyes out isn’t political.. but he’s also not wrong that being the half demon half mewman son of two royals, DOES mean tom can come off political and one previous episode which he made a cameo in even had Tom being profiled, with a shopkeep who shoed out another monster kid tried that on tom.. only to realize who he was dealing with and beg for mercy he probably only got because Tom’s trying to be a better person now. And I don’t think i’ts even malcious on tom’s part, tom isn’t the most empathetic guy. He’s nice, he’s sweet, and once he knows you he can be really thoughtful.. but as we’ve seen throughout this retrospective.. empathy is something he’s struggled with. He stalked star because he didn’t see HER side of him creeply and obessively persuing her until Marco got through to him. He missed the point of his therapy assignment, seeing it as a goal to get passed instead of hwat brian intended: for him to geninely make amends with someone he hurt. He didn’t get that while star didn’t, at the time, want to date him ignoring her would hurt her... though that on’es not on him. He’s not a bad guy at all but he’s not at all great at reading people or being selfless.

 He’s getting there, stump day showed him put stars needs before Marco’s and not out of any selfish dick measuring contest but because he knew what she wanted and what made her happy, but it’s hard to have empathy for a problem you don’t get how bad it is. To tom it’s just getting stopped once in a while and then having to glower or literally roast someone. To these monsters... it’s a life of being denied a decent standard of living, housing and being treated as a crminal and a beast just for existing. Tom has a fancy castle, loyal subjects, tons of money.. his privlage has insulated him from the real dangers of being the minority he is, of getting beaten up by the cops or arrested just for being a monster. And yes i’m using real world paralells.. but so does the end of this episode so shhh. It’s also a moral that hits home since as a white person, the last year has hit me HARD with just how much I didn’t know about the racial situation in america and how complacient i’d become. I wasn’t actively racist.. but like many americans I had the bad tendency to forget the horrible things that happpend on a daily basis to people of color in this country when it got out of the news. Privlage can blind you, and I cannot speak for if it does so for any real life minorties as i’m not touching a subject i’m not qulaified to talk on due to being super white with a ten foot pole, but I can speak for me that sometimes you just.. dont’ notice a problem unless i’ts happening to you. And while it has happened to tom it’s such a minor inconvience he probably just forgets about it and moves on. And these next two episodes with him, though we have some plot stuff to get too before we get back to Tom in feburary, are him getting his bubble popped and realizing just WHAT Star has been fighting against. And Star’s own privlage will be an issue later.. but we’llg et to that in it’s own time.  So while Tom skulks off Rich startles Marco to get him to do his kung fun hand pose “the sword hand dance” and everyone uses it to dance which Marco understandably objects to until kelly asks him to dance. Cue adorable ship tease.. again this is why i’m thrownig in the kelco episode in the next batch: because the trajectory of this relationship eeerily lines up with tom episodes. No sense avoiding the ONE other episode about the ship , especially if i’m going out of my way to cover the Meteora arc on top of it and my other 80 projects. And regular coverage. And comissions. And you get the idea it’s a lot but i’m happy to do it. 

Meanwhile we meet Slime, a friendly slime monster who introduces himself to penelope and her massive spider bite... and then drips a bit giving her the wrong impression. Thankfully.. this does not turn into the PG-Rated versoin of BLue from the heathers musical. 

No he just was offering to aloe up her spiderbite, and she’s all too happy to accept since her family never thought about it.. though as we see next season their not against it suprisingly. They are still dicks though. But not racist, though that’s a very low bar to clear and only gives them credit because mewni as a whole is pretty racist when it comes to Monsters. Point is I hate their parents but love these ship as the two share some ship tease and go downstairs.. only to get attacked.  Meanwhile, Marco’s getting a goblin dog while being watched by Henious.. who despite Gemini’s objections.. no longer cares about her cheeks as she grins sinesterly and has him play her music, some heavy metal. FORESHADOWING!

Back at the party, Star adreses her public and is all proud and blushy.. till Penelope stumbles in, covered in scars, telling the crowd something took Slime.. and both sides start blaming one another, especially since it turns out a LOT of the monsters have gone missing. So with everything she worked towards and had achieved crumbling, Star calms the crowd and says she’ll investigate. Outside Marco is getting a goblin dog with roy, and wondering why he has strawberry, who orders a strawberry.. who wants that? And then decides to get one out of curiosity which I would but i’m also fat and love strawberries so i’m not a beacon of good decisionmaking. 

So Star grabs him before he can roll that metaphorical dice and passes tom who tries to downplay her concerns and get her to go make out, thinking that’s what’s going on despite that.. making no sense, as a ton of them are missing and 6 is a bit much for polyamory.. I mean it works for some people 

But not everyone can be a majestic space grandma whose also a caterpillar. And their too young to orgy so that’s out too. Point is Tom is an idiot this time and Star RIGHTFULLY calls him out for belitting her cause, not really caring about it, or the other teens who are in danger right now from god knows what and tells him to either help or get out of the way. 

So while Tom licks his well earned wounds, Star and Marco journey into the depths and find a campsite with fresh dog eared pages indicating whoevers behind the abudictions is not only sapient, but still here... oh and it somehow gets worse as they find out WHOSE behind it. 

And a second question you might be having: Who dis. Well this is Mina Loveberry, solarian warrior, whose a legend in Mewni and was one of star’s childhood heroes who she found wondering around homeless and clearly not mentally well in the park on earth.. and then tried to conquer it, but the electoral process stopped her... I don’t know why but a half crazed maniac being defeated by due electoral process makes me feel all warm and fuzzy right now, on this specific day this is coming out late on. Hmmmm.. INTERESTING aint it? 

Point is Mina is a super powerful, super not in her right mind super warrior, who is naturlaly the kidnapper, as this episode also reveals she’s violently racist and assuemed something was up and whiel Star, who despite said cou still loves and respects her and gets she’s not well, tries to talk her down it increasingly becomes clear there’s no reasoning with her. And really with most racists.. there isn’t. Racisim isn’t something that’s rational and while some people are just indocrinated at a young age and CAN be turned around on it.. some are just so deeply up their own ass with hatred you can’t reason with them or save them. You just have to stop them. Via impeaching them, making sure they get called out and taken out of office.. or in this case using rainbows on them.  But we’ll have to wait a second as a bunch of debris falls on mina taking her out!

.. Only to reveal Henious and while Marco’s willing to fight her and her posse, Raasticore grabs star and henious hooks him up to the brainwash machine, probably planning to kill him with it while playing the music

But before she can kill or do worse to one of our heroes.. the door behind them opens up.. and reveals a child’s play room. 

And Henious.. gives up on the attack and enters, disturbing Gemini as she looks around in what’s easily one of the best scene sin the entire series: her slow walk, the way the animation follows her as it sinks in just what Metora might be.. and her picking up two dolls, the ones seen above.. her dolls to Gemini’s increasing discomfort. And while the animation is stellar and utterly moving as we slowly put the pieces together... it’s Walter’s delivery that REALLY STUNS.Gone is the harsh, unforgiving nightmarish woman we’ve known.. and instead is someone whose confused.. and remembering. Remembering WHY she has those cheek marks, remembering this was her room, her home.. and those were her parents. She remembers now.. and Mina rises to say of course she did “I knew you’d be back here one day meteora!” And as Gemini tries to refute this.. Meteora agrees with MIna, no longer henious at last freed form her deep and abusive brainwashing we’ll cover soon enough. And deeply confused. And as everyone else is deeply confused... Mina, not realizing this whole thing was covered up, again we’ll get to that soon too, spells it out for them and the audience in case you missed it. When Star asks how Eclipsa plays into any of this? “Don’t you ding dongs know anything? She’s her mamma!”  (Marco and Star stare in shock as it sinks in) Marco: “Wait HENIOUS is a princess?!”  Star: “she’s a butterfly”

Yeah quite obviously this is one of the biggest wham episodes in the entire series. In one moment we not only find out Henious is indeed a butterflfy as fans thought.. but Eclipsa’s daughter, half monster, and her entire existance raises questions of how much her family hid and if not WHO DID. I mean some of you alreayd know the answer but the rest of you can wait a week.. or a few mintues it’s hinted at soon enough. Point is Star has questions.. questions the violent racist whose pretty messed up in the head for a variety of the reasons and spent decades hunting her.. is not willing to hear out and instead prepares to smite her. While Star tries DESPERATLEY to talk her friend out of this it’s very clear Mina’s not going to listen... so Star rainbow fists her.. and prepares to face her former friend and inspiration for Meteora’s saftey and the answers she BADLY needs right now. Oh and just in case you thought “oh well the magical girl who sounds like amy sedaris can’t be that big a threat”... Yeah I didn’t mention broly for nothing. 

Mina bulked up. Meet Solarian Mina. And like the Legendary Super Sayian form from Dragon Ball.. i’ts a beserker of a form that turns the already obessive and insane Mina.. into an unstoppable rage fuled killing machine with horrifying levels of power who can beat down anyone nearbye. And unlike Broly, where he was just a one in a million fluke in both versions... Mina was PLANNED to be this. The solarian program was something Eclipsa’s mom came up with, a series of spells that slowly turn the target into a rampaging super soldier. It’s like if Nuke from marvel comics, a vietnam era version of captain america who dind’t turn out so good, was INTETIONAL; 

As you can see it removes fear.. but also the targets concisce, so Mina is incapable of empathy or being cure dof her racisim. Solaria turned her from a humble volunteer just hoping ot help and improve her station into the crazed monster star now faces.  And as the Broly comparision should make clear... yeah Star dosen’t do so good and neither does Marco. She shrugs off Star’s hits and while botht he kids and meteora escape, both just piss Mina off MORE, and put star in more danger as she’s thrown around like a ragdoll.  She then runs into tom who shows off his growht: While he was a dick up there.. unlike before where he assumed he was always the wronged party.. he realized he crossed a line and while he dosen’t know WHY he did, is still willing to apologize and presumibly talk about it. A bit clueless yes but it’s effort and his tone is sincre so it’s less “I’m apologizing for whatever I guess” bullshit and more “I genuinely don’t know wha ti did wrong please tell me so I can say sorry”.. which given how awkard tom is with people and how I pointed out his trouble relating to them over htis retrospective, is the more beliviable one.  Naturally while Star does appricate it she’s kinda busy.. and when Tom see’s what’s going on he leaps in with NO hesitation. And given how close the luictors once were and are again with the butterflies it’s doubtful he hadn’t heard of mina so he likely KNOWS what he’s going up against..a nd dosen’t care. His girlfriend needs his help and this person’s trying to hurt her. That’s all he needs to kick her ass. Or try.. unlike with the z warriors.. our heroes don’t win this one. Tom tries a really cool move i’m dubbing the onyx coffin, a black coffin with runes and chains.. that does nothing to her. She breaks out and our heroes flee and Mina causes a massive ruckuss above, and the only reasons our heros don’t die.. is that the knights and Rhombulus of the high comission arrive.  And since the high comission are going to be vastly important a refresher: The high comission were created by glossaryck, the little man who lives in stars book who used to be voiced by an asshole and next season is voiced by keith motherfucking david, to police the multiverse and it’s various issues. The four we know are Lekmet: a goat man who died last season and controlled entropy and could heal at the cost of his own life hence the death, Hekapoo, a close assiocate of marcos who controls the scissors beings use to cross dimensions and can do so herslef effortlessly, Omnitraxus Prime, a powerful and giant antler skulled being who watches space time and timelines and is voiced by Karl Weathers so...

And Rhombulus, a diamond headed he-man reject with snakes for hands becaue his dad is a well documented dickhead.. no really that’s the entire explination i the book of spells: Glossaryck turned his hands to snake to teach him the lesson i’ts hard to get through life with snake hands. He’s a gung ho guy who imprisons the wrost of the worst criminals thus his presence here as Mina clearly had a falling out with the comission and thus flees.  So while Star and Tom are given blankets afterwords and some cocoa, Tom comforts her and admits if nothing else.. he gets it now, having been finally faced with the type of horrible shit monsters have had to deal with in the past and sees why his girlfriend tried hard to help it. But Star.. realizes she can’t fix this that easy. That she dosen’t know enough and clearly ther’es even more than she ever could’ve thought possible she has ot know if she’s going to fix this.. and that it’s not an EASY problem to fix. You really CAN’T fix racisim you can just make society better, but you’ll never be rid of people like Mina. Though this arc will.. yeah in one of the more baffling decisions Mina is given this huge reindrocution, with Amy Sedaris showing that while a very funny lady and a very talented actress as bojack had previously shown off for both.. she can be FUCKING TERRIFYING. But nope, she’s just..g one outside of a cameo, gets beatne off screen and dosen’t become big bad for a season. And I get it, the metora arc needed room.. but you had a WHOLE EXTRA EPISODE to have her defeat mina. Inastead you used it for Marco Jr which amounted to almost nothing and could’ve been saved for season 4 wher eit probably woudln’t of been terrible. I”ll get to that one some day. Point is it’s bad storytelling. 

So yeah Star’s feeling lost, her family history is in flux, she got beaten badly, not horribly injrued but still lost handily, her party ruined and  she was hit with the realization her plans were overly idealistic. Well meaning sure but a party was never going to cure this. Oh and Rhombluus naturally isn’t coming clean about why the temple is off limits or what’s going on here so that dosen’t help.  And somehow.. IT STILL GETS WORSE. The Wizard Cops try to take the monsters in , profling them and not having done so and star thankfully talks them out of it but the monster kids turn down any afterparty or anything. They get she means well tbut hte moment’s over. And their not even excesivley sad.. their just.. used to the police treating them like this. Like less than human, like automatic suspects when THEY were the victims. IT’s nothing new... and god does this feel relevant as hell.

And this i where I meant Star’s privlage bites her: While not as bad as tom, it took some very harsh reality for her to see that solving racisim.. is not only nigh imposisble but not that easy. To her it was easy as a party and friendship and what’s worked before in her fairly shelted world. Advetnures or not she’s still a princess whose never experinced prejudice. In both worlds she’s in the majority. It’s probably why Marco conttoned on to monster racism in seconds during “Menipendence Day’ when Star hadn’t her whole life: to Marco, whose latix and thus dealing with all kinds of racist shit his whole life, it was easier to pick it up. He’s firmly part of his culture.. and thus probably firmly aware of the racism he faces. Star is so insulated she just dosen’t get it till it nearly beat her to death. So yeah Star’s at her lowest point, having failed to make things better, the answer to her questions being lost and not sure what’s real. Metora on the other hand as they dodge the cops.. has ascended. As Gemini calls her henious once last time.. she says that’s not her name. 

“My name is meteora”

SHe’s been dreaming the wrong dream.. and it’s long past time she woke up. 

Final Thoughts;  Monster Bash.. is one of the best episodes in the series. Unlike a lot of Seasons 3 and 4 it dosen’t suffer from lack of proper payoff, as the next few episodes deal with how the fuck any of this is happening and why the fuck any of it happened. Mina’s absence nonwithstanding.. this is one of the series best and most gripping arcs. And the swerve is great: you think i’ts Henious doing the kindappings, only for her not to be the threat again just yet. And for her to be something far more. It’s just masterful, starting iwth fun hyjinks and ending in one of the best nad most nightmarish fights in the series if not the best, watching as our heroes slowly but surely LOOSE.. and THEN it gets worse. Out and out a must watch for the series and a sad sign of what it COULD’VE been had it moved past it’s worst insitncts next season and become what i should’ve been.  Next week: We take a tom break as Eclipsa nad Mon investigate all of this and we get the SECOND biggest wham episode in the series. 

Until the next rainbow, be excellent to each other.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do you have any hcs for Magnus taking ppl to pride for the first time? I kinda feel like he’d act as a guide for others, making sure everyone feels safe and happy during their first time. Like, I can picture him bringing daylighter Raphael out for the first time, showing Meliorn around (bc even though they’ve been around for a while, the Seelies don’t really do human stuff) and holding Alec’s hand while he looks around in amazement.

well surprise surprise this got very long. bet y’all never saw that coming

ok so i particularly love this ask because like, the idea of meliorn going to pride for the first time is a riot and i adore it

like seelie society has developed completely independently from mundane society in every way, hell, it existed before humans did. so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that their culture even has the concepts of gender of sexuality, and believing that it would be the same as modern western ones is just straight up anachronistic tbh

so like personally i hc that seelie society has no gender (and therefore no concept of sexuality in the way that we see it), so the idea of pride- doesn't even make sense to them, cuz there's no concept of these identities, much less a history of oppression that would bring forward the need to celebrate their resistance like there currently is

so meliorn would want to go just to like, see what that's like and what's it all about. and the whole time they're just following Magnus around and like, taking notes. hm, interesting, what is this trans thing again? ah yes, people who dont think their personality matches the one mundanes believe would be brought by their genitals. hm. fascinating. and Magnus is just like, laughing loudly and it's the best pride he's ever been to, because he knows how ridiculous queerphobia and cishetnormativity are, but meliorn can make that so clear in their words in a way thats just, like, fantastic to hear, you know? and they dont even mean to, but it's great all the same

plus meliorn actually does feel good because a lot of people look at them and smile broadly or even wave, especially younger people who are just like, in awe of them and Magnus, who are so unapologetically gnc and indisputably beautiful, and looking at them is just like, inspiring, you know? and Meliorn has never felt this admired and appreciated and they dont even fully understand why, they're just walking around in their usual clothing and leaf makeup and everyone is just like, in love with them. and it's nice. they can tell there's an edge of sadness to the whole thing, like how their normal everyday existence seems to be so shocking and refreshing for these people, but mostly they feel good about it

later they bring their findings to the other seelies - you know, the ones who dont usually leave the realm and are way less familiar with mundane culture(s) than they are - and the others are like. shut up. there's no way this is real. the shape of their genital defines what wavelength they are supposed to find appealing? this makes no sense. and meliorn's like "idk what to tell u buddy i literally physically can't lie" and they're like surely this is an elaborate prank

but anyway it's fun and nice and they enjoy it greatly and ask Magnus a lot of questions, and Magnus loves going with them more than anyone else because its just so fun and the way this is completely unnatural to them feels refreshing - Magnus doesnt have to explain why he feels the way he feels, for once, but rather he has to explain why people dont get that, and thats a good change tbh

okay onto other ppl im sorry for this tangent djdndjdndk RAPHAEL YES. god i just. okay i love the mental image of Magnus taking Raphael to pride aaaaaaaa

like okay first of all so many layeRS to make this emotional, okay. the fact that he's now a daylighter and can enjoy being out in the sun, the fact that this is a bright costumed parade and it kinda reminds him of the día de los muertos parade and makes him feel at home, the fact that he gets to celebrate and meet other ace ppl - just, so many good things going on here dundidmdi

and Raphael was kinda unsure about going because 1- pride can get pretty sexual at times, and while he gets it and doesn't mind other people's business, he doesn't want to be hit on or participate in that; 2- big crowd makes senses go craycray and it can get very overwhelming and he's scared of overload, plus it's just not his scene in general with huge parties and such. but a part of him does want to go and he's torn, so of course Magnus is immediately like "oh dear, don't worry, i can take you, i'll make sure it's good" and Raphael is like okay

so Magnus takes him and it's :') nice, because as always he’s just so attentive. disclosure i’ve only ever been to the São Paulo pride so i’m gonna go with how it works in here but im assuming it’s not that different in like, other places. also São Paulo currently has the biggest pride parade in the world along with NYC so you know, i think it’s influential at the very least

anyway so he finds a section that’s led by ace pride groups, one that’s considerably small (in number of ppl) and spacious, and it’s. nice. very nice. magnus makes it a point to paint the ace pride colors on raphael’s face (we deserve raphael in makeup tbh) and raphael is all like “it’s fine, it’s not like i’ll want to draw a lot of attention” (like he isn’t wearing the ace flag colors already) and magnus is like hush, let me have this, i want my boy to have a good pride experience. so raphael lets him and hides his smile and lets him, and it’s. cute okay

also idk why but i have the mental image of raphael seeing some other latino guy with some sign like. “i’m not your fetish” or something of the sort, and kind of tearing up because his whole life he’s been seen as this kind of sexual fantasy that couldn’t not be about sex, much less not be interested in it, and he feels seen. and it’s nice, okay

and as promised it’s not too overwhelming in matters of like people, tactile issues and such (there’s little magnus can do about the noise other than spell raphael to decrease his sensitivity so he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is not ideal because it makes communication a bit harder between them, but he does it anyway if raphael asks him to), and if raphael gets tired, they can always turn into a corner and take a portal back home and cuddle the post-crowd jitteriness away. so it’s a success. and raphael hugs magnus later and thanks him and says that it was so great, that he’s missed this, the energy and the colors and the sun, and he never thought he’d get to have it again, and he did thanks to magnus. and magnus hugs him back and tells him “anything for you, my boy,” and it’s the sweetest thing okay im emo

also okay this still falls under Raphael and Meliorn but the POLYCULE okay, or at least saiaphaeliorn. like sign me the fuck up for the 4 of them together at pride, meliorn and magnus helping make some cute pride-themed makeup on the other 3, just aaaaaaaaa. maia looking absolutely gorgeous with her face framed in the bright bi colors, maybe a sunny dress with the trans flag colors? just because i think she’d look so cute in like, a mostly white dress with baby pink and blue details, okay. simon just paints the pan flag on his cheek but it’s still vibrant and cute and it suits him. and ghhghghghg meliorn delicately painting raphael’s face with colorful glitter..... effervescent, okay. just beautiful

and they get to hold hands in public and laugh and crack jokes and simon loves the music and the festival and raphael smiles fondly at him and maia singing along (him and meliorn definitely don’t know what the fuck they’re singing, but it’s okay because they’re clearly happy and that makes the two of them happy too) and just duahsdiahdaiuha soft okay. also they all get to experience meliorn’s takes on the whole thing and it’s fantastic and as usual meliorn gets raphael to laugh until he almost cries, and simon smiles brightly at the sight and gives meliorn a peck for their efforts, and just aaaaaaaa

in short they’re SOFT and i’m SOFT. and look yes i know that usually parades esp big ones are super crowded (lord knows the SP pride parade is an experience) but if in SP with 5 million ppl parading i could find sections with less people where you had enough space to walk holding hands and hear each other and not be overwhelmed, then i’m sure they can too, especially with magic and powers at their disposal. so i’m going to have this

also like. as much fun as this is for magnus (and it definitely is, it’s very nice to get to enjoy to be himself openly, and to bring kids there for their first time, and you know), it’s also bittersweet because like. he was there at stonewall, he was there for the first pride, you know? and apart from the obvious part where he lost so many friends who were there, there’s just. the very bad memories of the riots, because as important as they are and as much as he obviously doesn’t regret them, riots are hard, they are the language of the oppressed. he’s had to magically protect people from being shot by the police, he’s had to withstand trial by the Clave for using magic to shield the people from the tear gas and risking being seen, he’s had to save a lot of lives and he’s failed at it sometimes, too (i’ll always hc that he’s the reason neither Marsha nor Sylvia died during the riots and you can pry that away from my cold, dead hands). and he’s also seen it be whitewashed and lose some of its resistance and meaning, he’s seen Sylvia be booed at a later march when she spoke against imprisonment, and he’s seen so much be lost

and in that sense going to pride with alec later on might be his favorite, because it’s not like, a first time where he’s trying to get everyone to have the most fun they can and shit, you know? plus alec loves watching more than he does participating, he feels way too exposed in the crowded streets with so many openings and whatnot. but watching from a rooftop, where he has the best view, can still hear the sounds and enjoy the colors and the beauty of it from a distance? that’s perfect for him, and it’s a different experience

and magnus sits by his side as they watch, hand in hand, and reminisces about everything that he’s experienced after so many years, all the changes he’s seen, how he feels pride but he also feels loss and he feels old, and he fears what happens if pride’s history is forgotten, you know? and alec listens to him, listens to his version of this story, playing with magnus’ fingers and just enjoying the sound of his voice and the sight. and it’s nice. alec is always super attentive and enjoys hearing him talk and magnus can get lost in his memories unapologetically, you know? and it’s good

but that’s later on, of course, when they’ve already attended plenty together. for alec’s first pride he probably wants it to be like, perfect, so much so that alec has to tell him to slow down again, because of course magnus wants alec to have The Full Pride Experience, but alec would rather soak it up slowly than participate in a lot of stuff, anyway. magnus paints the rainbow flag on his cheek (one of the only occasions alec lets magnus put glitter on him, then promptly complains for the next three months because i swear that stuff is still on my skin, magnus, the other day i found some on my shoes! and magnus laughs at his antics as always and alec is forced to laugh too and can’t even be mad) and they kind of stay more by the end, and alec is kind of smiling in disbelief to himself the whole time as he watches all the colors and the unapologetic way people express their pride, and magnus can’t stop looking at him and grinning, too. and they walk hand in hand and it’s cute

(later, magnus says, see, mundane culture isn’t so bad, is it? and alec looks at him with a way more serious look, full of joy and happiness, and says, no, it isn’t. and kisses him and thanks him for everything, and it’s sweet)

also I'm soft thinking about Magnus reminiscing about planning the first pride along with "his dear friend Brenda" to Alec and/or Raphael, them putting their arms around his shoulder as he tells them the softer stories, too, the good things they did

small bonus: Magnus plays 2 truths and a lie with Simon regarding his memories of past prides, and Simon gets it wrong every time and is all wide eyed by the end, which makes both Magnus and Raphael laugh :)

[xadial]

You got me to do them, your turn!! I dont care i you havent reblogged them, im asking you ALL the hozier asksssss

welcome to ramble city

‘Hozier - How tall are you?

you’re so cruel hmph. the top of my head would be 1068′ 1.5″ off the ground if i was stood riiiight on top of the eiffel tower

Wasteland, Baby! - Have you ever fallen in love?

that’s a very very strong word to me and i didn’t let myself feel anything at all until a few years ago, which is weird to say but it’s true in a sense. the answer is complicated i guess? i had one crush for so long that it just pissed me off eventually, and then there’s the shallow kind of ‘oh she’s pretty’ crush i’ve had on a few girls. there’s only been one time where i thought i genuinely might if i got to know them well enough and it’s the most terrifying thing i’ve ever felt. (all of it was however an excellent boost to the amount of poetry i wrote dskjfghsd)

Nina Cried Power - What protest, today or in history, do you wish you could write a thank you note for?

i mean stonewall is the only one i can think of? extinction rebellion is sort of a contentious one because while they do an incredible job they did plan to disrupt heathrow airport by flying drones around it which is going to lose them a whole load more public support than it’s going to gain them

Almost (Sweet Music) - What’s your favorite style of music? Favorite song off this album?

ohhh! lots of complicated percussion/instrumentals in the background (think gold or believer by imagine dragons) and i have a soft spot for violins that can make you feel such powerful but intangible emotions (like in the intro to ‘cypress queen’ by the last buffalo). my favourite song off this album? i can confidently say that they will all in turn be my favourite, one by one, when the universe thinks i need them.

Movement - If you could move anywhere in the world at this very moment, with no restrictions, where would you move to and what lifestyle would you live?

i’ve thought about this one for a while and i honestly don’t know. i wouldn’t want to be in the type of suburbs where grey suddenly becomes the only emotion and you can taste the futility of life every time you breathe (which is a lot of places, my home probably included but for the fact i’ve lived there all my life so i see it as an exception). i wouldn’t want a mansion or a massive house? just somewhere cozy, probably, but for me i think having good friends live with or near me would be the most important thing. oh but very little light pollution and an awesome view of the stars and maybe the aurora borealis/austrialis 

No Plan - What’s one spontaneous thing you did that you have good memories of?

i managed to sneak out at one in the morning to meet a friend who was high on mdma. i know i’m tiny and i should be more scared for my wellbeing than i am but it’s such an incredible, ethereal time and if the world wasn’t slightly rotten at the core i’d go on so many walks around that time. plus mdma makes you really really affectionate and sappy so i was just walking next to a compliment machine with free weed for three hours, which is a very rare and novel experience

Nobody - What’s your favorite thing to do when no one is around?

be ten times more gay and also do a fuckton of spontaneous dancing/humming/singing, also talk to myself at full volume, and also be utterly unpresentable and thoroughly enjoy it

To Noise Making (Sing) - Do you play an instrument or sing? Do you want to learn an instrument?

i do sing. i sing as well as i play football, and in year two (i was five or six) my infant school brought in football coaches, and we were given instructions for some simple moves, and i was enjoying myself when i was called up to the front by the coaches to show the rest of the year my Moves, so i showed them all proud and stuff until a few seconds later the coach pointed at me and said, ‘watch this kids! now you know what not to do!’. everyone can sing. some never should.

As It Was - If you could go back in time with the knowledge you had now, but you had to redo the last ten years over again, would you?

honestly i don’t know. i hate how i was for a good five years of that past ten but i’m very happy with my life as it is right now, so i’d only do it if i knew i’d end up with the same friends (and maybe slightly better grades fsdjfkgsk)

Shrike - What’s your favorite plant or flower?

i don’t have a specific one but apple blossoms, sakura trees and willow trees are definitely special to me. i also love forget-me-nots becuase, huh, that’s half my life summed up. AAAARGHHH i swear i have a favourite but i can’t remember it for the life of me!! (also!! my parents caved to my hippie bee-loving attitude and they’re planting pretty much all the grassy space in my back garden with wildflowers which i’m ecstatic about too, we got enough seeds to cover it all for like £8)

Talk - Who is one writer/artist/creator that you wish you could talk to, dead or alive?

okay i know richard feynmann is a physicist but he wrote books too so technically it counts if i say him. i have so many fucking questions and so little time and if there’s a guy to argue about quantum physics about it’s him

Be - Where is your favorite place to be? In general? Right now?

i want to be home in my room with its incredibly messy decorations and slightly precarious bookshelves with a couple of my friends, in winter, snowing outside because climate change is a thing of the past, curled up with fleeces and hot chocolates watching either killing eve or otherwise something heartwarming and also gay

Dinner & Diatribes - If you could give an angry speech to anyone in the world right now, dead or alive, with no interruptions, who would it be?

ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro be

Would That I - What’s your biggest ‘would have, should have, could have’ moment?

most of it comes down to studying or school related stuff. i remember resolving to give up completely on even trying to go to school in year ten and it lost me a whole year, not even of just education, i barely remember anything from it full stop. i also bitterly regret not trying for a scholarship to this fancy boarding school in year six/seven because i don’t know how much different i’d be now but i definitely would be more well adjusted and self disciplined and hopefully ‘smarter’ in the ‘more knowledgeable’ sense. i was a coward and i still am but my god am i better now. i guess it still taught me to be scared shitless and push forward anyway for fear of regretting backing out

Sunlight - What is the weather like where you are right now? What’s your favorite kind of weather?

gorgeous belfast almost-impending-drizzle. it hangs over your shoulder like a permanent threat to destroy your paperwork and turn your awesome fluffy hair into an impeccable drowned rat cosplay

NWFWMB - Have you ever went through a natural disaster?

me, i’m a natural disaster

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - What’s your favorite tongue/language?

i love spanish but i’ve never learned it much beyond school! i also love hearing spoken mandarin? there’s something about it and the way the sounds that makes me v happy. also no joke arabic is the prettiest language i’ve ever heard spoken and im booboo the fool for not realising it sooner like, DUDE??? HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS????

[all-hail-the-witcher]

had my first kiss on a friday night, dont reckon i did it right with ralbert or javid ?

let’s do ralbert since im hurting them a lot soon

also i listened to castle on the hill like 200000 times while planning this

alternately, i have found that it has the ideal beat for that classic fortnite dance,,,you know the one

____________

since we were 15

ship: ralbert 

genre: hallmark channel worthy floof 

word count: 1612 oof that’s long

warnings: brief mentions of smoking, drinking and thunderstoms

editing: none whatsoever

___________

“Albieeeeeee” Race wined from the passenger seat of the car, purposefully flailing his arms and legs into what he suspected was his boyfriends field of vision. “Can I take off the blindfold yet?”

Albert shoved Races arm away from him, laughing at his antics. “Just a few more minutes.”

“You said that like an hour ago.” Race slumped in his seat. Today was their 5 year anniversary and as a present Albert had loaded him unceremoniously into his car, given him a blindfold, and told him not to take it off until they were at their destination.

He neglected to tell Race that they wouldn’t drag their destination for 5 hours.

“That was 10 minutes ago, Race,” Albert sighed.

“Same difference.” Race heard shuffling from next to him. “What are you doing?”

“Putting in a cd,” Albert explained as Race heard the whirring of the old player.

Race crossed his arms, sitting up again in his chair. “Why don’t you just use your phone?”

“You’ll see.” Albert smiled as he turned off the main road and onto a dirt back road. He and Race hadn’t been back here in years, but it was exactly how he remembered. There was the old yellow barn - they always did wonder why it was yellow and not red - the house with all the chickens in the driveway, and up ahead, just over the ridge-

Albert rolled down the windows of his truck letting the cool country air come in the car as he sped along the dirt road. “Alright Race,” he said. “You can take the bandana off.”

“Thank god,” Race grumbled, pulling the strip of fabric off his head and looking out the window to get his bearings.

“Oh,” he breathed as they came over the top of a hill and the beautiful Vermont countryside splayed out in front of them. “You brought me back.”

Albert took his eyes from the road to look at Race. The sun was beginning to set, and golden light bounced off of his boyfriend’s face, illuminating his wide blue eyes.

“Happy anniversary Antonio,” Albert said, leaning over to squeeze his hand.

“Albert,” Race sighed looking out at the place he and all of their friends had spent their summers as teenagers, “it’s perfect.” He sat up suddenly. “Are we going to the castle?”

“Where else would I be taking you?” Albert laughed. “Besides, it’s almost sunset.”

Race sighed in content, sticking his hand out the window. “You are the best boyfriend ever.”

“I know.”

•••

Race ran down the hill from the road to the grassy field, the tall mountain grass rubbing against his legs, as Albert followed close behind. He could see the castle coming into view several hundred yards down.

The castle was not really a castle. Well, it might have been at some point. Now it was a vaguely elaborate stone structure, but there were still some sections that you could go inside. Their friends had nicknamed it the castle years ago and it had just stuck.

“Race ya to the castle?” Albert raised his eyebrows at Race in question once they were both on the field.

“Oh you are so on,” Race winked as he took off down the field. He wasn’t called Race for nothing. 15 minutes later he was leaning against the stonewall of the castle, a smug look on his face as Albert - finally - caught up with him.

“Took you long enough,” Race teased and Albert slapped him lightly on the arm.

“Shut up,” he mumbled. Then, he stared up at the ruins. “Man, I haven’t been here in forever.”

“It looks just how I remember it,” Race said, making his way inside, Albert close behind, as he climbed a set of stone stairs to the top of what had probably once been a lookout. He smiled fondly. “Remember when we had our first kiss up here?”

Albert laughed, leaning into kiss Race just for the heck of it. “Now that was a night.”

•••

The night of Race and Albert’s first kiss had in fact been one of the most memorable nights of their entire lives, and not just because of the kiss.

They were 15 years old at the time and had been hanging out with their group of friends at the small town equivalent of a 7/11: a gas station store that sold pizza, subs, guns, beer and cigarettes. But, since they were all broke they were hanging around smoking hand rolled cigarettes and passing around a bottle of beer Jack had stolen from the store inside.

One thing led to another and the store owner came out with a police officer, who was prepared to fine them for stealing. And as young 15 year olds they did what anyone would do: they ran.

Albert had grabbed Races arm and pulled him towards the woods at the side of the road. The two of them ran and ran and ran. Race had started to cry halfway through their run because he thought his grandmother would find out he had been drinking stolen beer and bam him from coming back to her place for the summer. And if she did that he would never get to see Albert again because the two of them only saw each other in the summer when Race was at his grandmas and Albert was at his aunts. There was also the tiny minor detail that Race had a huge crush on Albert. Not that he would ever tell him, he probably didn’t feel the-

In the middle of Races internal monologuing Albert had pulled him into the clearing by the castle. Thunder boomed overhead and the two of them ran the last couple of hundred feet up to the castle and went inside one of the still intact rooms so they could stay dry.

Albert had pulled out his phone flashlight and laid it on the floor, illuminating his and Races faces. Upon seeing Races tears he had reached out to his friend. “Race what’s wrong?” He had asked gently. “We got away, no one will catch us here.”

“My grandma's going to find out and not let me stg here anymore and i won’t get to see you,” Race had mumbled, surprised when he felt Albert’s arms go around him.

“Your grandmas not going to kick you out,” he had whispered. Albert’s ears were ringing. Had Race just implied that the reason he didn’t want to get kicked out was because he wouldn’t be able to see him anymore? Did Race like him back? That couldn’t be possible.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

That night the two of them had slept side by side in the castle room with their jackets thrown over them for warmth. When Albert had woken up the next morning, he was startled, but not necessarily alarmed, to find his arms securely wrapped around Race. He had allowed himself a few moments to hold his crush tightly before letting go and shaking Race awake.

“Race,” he had whispered, shaking him. “Wake up there’s something I wanna show you.”

Race had groaned, but his eyes did open and he squinted at Albert. “What?”

Albert had winked mischievously. “Follow me.”

Race had hauled himself up off the stone floor and up the steps stone steps after Albert, his mouth open in shock when he reached the top.

There, from the old turret in the castle, they had had a perfect view of the sunrise coming up over the field that lay before them.

“It’s beautiful,” Race had whispered, leaning on the wall of the turret.

“Not as beautiful as you,” Albert had whispered before he could stop himself.

Race had turned to him, the morning light making him glow like an angel. “What did you just say?” he had whispered.

Albert stuttered incoherently for a few seconds before Race has muttered “oh fuck this” and leaned over, planting a kiss on Albert’s mouth.

It wasn’t the most elegant kiss. Their teeth knocked together unpleasantly and race accidentally bumped Albert’s nose but neither had cared because, even though it hadn’t been done quite right, per se, it was still their first kiss and the two of them still felt fireworks, and had known even then that they were meant to me together.

•••

Race stared off into the sunset. “Remember that kiss, Albie?” He said dreamily. “It was perfect in all the wrong ways.”

Behind him, Albert didn’t say anything.

“Albie, c'mon I’m trying to reminisce here and you’re-” Race turned around and gasped loudly.

Behind him, his boyfriend was down on one knee holding a hammered silver band.

“Antonio Higgins,” Albert began, “I’ve loved you since we were 15 years old. You mean everything to me. I love the way you laugh and the way your eyes light up and the way that every time I kiss you it still feels like the first time.”

Race thought back to their first kiss, with the teeth hitting and nose bumping. “I hope that last parts a lie,” he said through his tears of happiness.

Albert shot him a look that said please-don’t-interrupt.

“You’ve made me a better person,” he continued. “I love being with you and waking up next to you every day. I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. So will you, Antonio Higgins, do me the honor of being my husband?”

“Yes!” Race nearly screamed. “Yes yes yes, a thousand times, yes!”

Albert laughed, slipping the ring on his new fiancés finger before engulfing him in a hug and then attacking his lips with a kiss.

And this kiss, they did right.

____________

ah yes i like fluff

sometimes

next up is al the angst though ;)

two short requests followed by the fizz disaster fic

feedback is always appreciated hmu to be on the tag list

tag list

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@racetrackcook

@bouncyscreamingnewsboys

@ughwaitwhat

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@suddenly-im-respecsable

[zexal3]

do all of thhem. all of them

i was just going to answer this with Apollo. really sternly but im gonna actually do it because if i didnt thatd be pussying out

1. Favorite series? - the only ones ive finished in full are dm and gx and i dont think theyre really Comparable in the way that dm takes itself a LOT more seriously than gx does and theyre both good in different ways and different reasons but for also a lot of similar reasons blah blah blah But i didnt grieve for dm when i finished it the way i did when i finished gx. so theres that

2. Favorite character? this took so much fucking soul searching and i cant choose 1 from all of yugioh overall but atem yugi & marik are tied for dm manjoume for gx yuusei for 5ds astral for zexal havent seen arc v and yusaku for vrains

3. Favorite scene? when atem and yugi hold hands in s5 and throw the first brick at stonewall

4. Favorite duel? ATEM VS YAMI MARIK BABEY

5. Favorite YGO blog? i dont have a favorite but id die for all my ygo mutuals

6. Favorite Duel Monster? id kill everyone in this room and then myself for red eyes black dragon if it was an earthbound god type situation and i would have to tribute like literal souls to summon rebd id do it

7. How many of the series have you seen? ive finished dm and gx im currently committed to watching 5ds and ive watched a little bit of zexal and a decent amount of vrains

9. (the post skips 8 MOOD?) Opinion on TAS? no offense to the ppl who do like it but i Really Dont Like It

10. Do you play the TCG? i don’t play irl ygo but ive played duel links for like 170 consecutive days

11. How long have you been into YGO? like half a year oh my god i cant believe its been so long

12. What got you into the fandom? streaming dm with my friends and then i liked it so much i started watching it on my own time

13. Do you ship? Yes.

14. If so, what’s your favorite pairing? atem and yugi invented gayness in 2001 w

15. Favorite YGO fanfiction? its been a long time since i read any but any fic where its an atem stays au. any one

16. Favorite piece of fanart? i DONT know the source so i cant post it but the pic of atem and yugi i have as my phone lockscreen

17. What merchandise do you own, if any? i have a bunch of yugioh cards theyre so pretty....i have the atem structure deck and its my prized possession

18. Do you prefer the dub or the original? ORIGINAL i really dont like the dub like objectively but the dub is really funny

19. Favorite OP/ED? YUGIOH GX JP OPENING SEASON 1 VER 1 AND YUGIOH GX JP ED SEASON 3

20. Did you watch YGO as a kid? i watched 1 episode of yugioh gx on 4kids and liked it but also i had NO idea what was going on

21. Favorite protagonist? this is the biggest fucking trick question in the world bc theyre all so extremely fantastic and they make me cry out of love. i cant pick one

22. Why do you like YGO? i LOOOOOOOOOOOVE the characters and also its really fun to watch

23. Do you prefer the manga or anime? anime all the way for me

24. Favorite duel disk design? original!

25. Headcanons you have? *i lean in really close to the mic* theyre all gay

[decodervon]

Mean.

mean. it was mean and meant to provoke. it all hurts.

being honest isn’t a shield against being upset. that night with Kayla, I was honest and i knew it would upset you. do you remember how you treated me after i told you? i knew you would be mad. disappointed. sad. angry. i knew you’d feel those things and more and i still asked for more. i let you treat me however you wanted to treat me, because i knew what i did was wrong. ive kicked myself a MILLION times for that act and let you get in as many kicks as you wanted. just because you are honest, does not mean anyone has to be lenient in how they feel. thats a loss you have to accept and admit. its a permanent black mark on your record, and that’s just what it is. you can feel upset about having it pointed out, but its what. happened. hearing you almost OD on drugs is scary, and makes me mad, and disappointed, and angry. I KNOW you feel that way yourself, but you’ve gotten to feel that and process that already. this is still news to me. i’ve put so much time and care into you that i’m allowed to be angry. you don’t get to be angry about ME being angry about a dumb mistake you made. thats the sound of me CARING about you living and dying. a blackout is one step below hospitalization. thats SCARY to hear. what if i told you i did so many drugs i blacked out?? or how I was so drunk I dropped my bike on myself and then dropped it a second consecutive time till a stranger had to help me? see? its honest, and I fully expect you to be mad, scared. and disappointed in me. part of accepting responsibility for your shortcomings and failures is accepting that they ARE failures and if someone points them out or is disappointed in them, you have to accept that and make peace with it. if someone hates me or distrusts me for the mistakes I make... they have a right to. I have a right to be upset. your parents and the people who care about you have a right to be upset. you have a right to be upset when they do things that hurt themselves. please dont be so angry at me for caring about your well being.

i.. dont like manipulating people. it's like being good at kicking dogs. it's a way my intellect can be used to deceive people into actions they wouldnt normally. I dont morally like doing it. like I did manipulate megan to give me information.. I just asked. I wanted to know how you were. I am desperate for information about you because I'm still... addicted. I'm slowly reprogramming myself but it hurts. it hurts to know I spent so long suffering just to have to swallow that it's over. and moving on with our respective people hurts and proves that. there was a time where I was manipulating you and it was horrible. it makes me feel like that time I pressured you into sex. it feels gross and empty and I really dont want to resort to it if I can. my mom does it habitually because of whatever her trauma was growing up.. but I dont share her same wonton opinion of its use. I justified using it because I thought you were seeing someone behind my back... and I was right. that's what always killed me about that time. I was suspicious, i was controlling, and manipulative and I ended up being... correct to have tried to do so. it kills me when I go over it. but it's also true that none of that stuff helped. being suspicious made me distrustful. being controlling made it harder to believe you. and manipulation made me feel like nothing you said or did was authentic. there were BIG consequences to those actions, regardless of the situation. and none of them helped. maybe suspicion because that led me to finally outing you, but yeah. I promise, I dont want to go back to any of that. I am not trying to goad you out of any information and am happy to pay for it with information that you might want. its honorable and I dont have to feel so awful after.

I touched upon some of the feelings I felt about the tryst.. its.. I feel really complicated. I'm.. starved for physical affection. enough to throw money at randos for nudes (not a very proud moment for me [and while sex work is real work, I've usually done well enough to not have to patronize]) and would probably go way out of my way and spend myself too much for it. i... did have something physical with someone that was very brief but I don't want to get into it. I felt weird. it felt wrong and I wish it couldve been you. doesnt matter. what matters is I would spend myself much more than I should for some physical affection, especially if the person knew me and all my weird kinks. i.. wanted that from you for so long. not just the last few years. the whole relationship I wanted you to want me. i never felt like you really did. sometimes you did. moments. places. seconds. but i hungered for you. all the time. the second I decided I was in (roughly three months in) I never looked at you a different way. it didnt matter what your hair looked like, or if you had makeup, or if you weighed more or less... none of that mattered. I decided I was in and you were this.. bond I craved. I never knew how to get you to... want me sexually from a standing still point. I poured all of that desire into going down on you. into a mastery of manipulating you sexually until I could get you to cum as fast as a guy. I wanted you so bad. I wanted that.. reaffirmation of being sexually desirable. i wanted to feel attractive because that's the only way i ever FELT sexy. i wanted to be objectified by you because it made me feel good about myself. having this super hot girl treat me like my body was super hot? its was like drinking out of the holy grail of self-esteem. words are... ultimately meaningless to me. it's like. I have a certain experience and mastery where I understand that words are just... nothing. they're only the cardboard cut out of Meaning and the actions behind them, are what make them stand. you could tell me I'm Hot for 100 years and I'll shrug it off everytime. but to me, you dont fuck someone you dont find attractive. not if you have the choice.

to me you were always this stonewall. you knew the world wanted your body. no matter what you thought about it. you built up this stone face that I could never see past. I never thought my actions were good enough. it's why I always asked. why I always needed to check that I was sexually adequate enough. I felt like I was at arms reach. its felt like you were this quiet master. watching, waiting; judging. I wanted you to be vulnerable and weird and gross around me. I bring up one of my favorite all time sexual experiences with you as the time you came home drunk and had the loudest, grossest dirty talk session with me as we fucked and i loved it (for being super hot as well) because you were so... raw. you didnt care if I was into it or not. you didnt care what you said or how I responded. you just let loose and it was so honest and pure. it was the best sex because i actually felt close to you. I didn't have to ask if you liked it. didnt have to wonder for one second. I knew you got what you needed and in doing so, gave me what I needed. most of the time...sex felt like I was bothering you. like you just wanted to get it over with.

and the tryst is.. its. you spend so long feeling sexually unwanted and then these last years.. I don't really rank into your priority system. I haven't for a long time. It goes: Work>Burlesque>Family>Friends/Self-care>Cats>Me. I've had to compete against everything else in your life to just.. get a chance to see you. I'm publically banned from your house because of a relationship that came LONG before it, but we both know it's total bullshit since you still end up sneaking me in when it works into your schedule. I really wanted to show you that I wasnt just a mad, angry fucking asshole anymore. That I did have the capacity to trust. that I had more patience. but I had to fight against everything go even get a chance and you were barely willing to even see me. I just..

I'm not trying to point a finger. that's not what this is about. it's about realistic expectations and being logical. a tryst is a fun, secret idea. maybe I'll write a piece about it. I'm not saying you wouldnt put in work, but just like you dont trust me on certain things.. I dont trust you to either pencil me in or erase a plan and spontaneously appear. that has nothing to do with damages and more about character. you're someone who plans things. you like following a path. its comfortable for you. you can control it. I have always been the opposite. I am "I'll be there when I get there" and always got a secret place to show someone. I was the neighborhood kid on his bike looking for a hideout. control is.. an illusion. we are our truest selves when chaos hits. when all the plans fall apart. I like the concept of bailing on anything to go do something bad.

you're healing. I'm healing. I don't expect you to roll the dice on me and that's nothing if not just pragmatic. it gets me excited because /i/ would do something like that. like it's a hot idea to think about climbing up to your balcony for secret sex. would I ever do it? no. it's a huge violation of privacy and i already promised I would never intrude on your safe spaces. that is a gesture /i/ would like. not you. I've had so many times I've wanted you to just... show up somewhere for me. I remember ice skating alone on valentines day. I cry when I write that. you were with friends and we werent in a great way. but I showed up and I hoped you would and I got a "I would of but it's too late, I'm with my friends already" I couldve been with my biological father and still bailed for ice skating with you. and so I mean. I'm not saying you wouldnt do the the work or that I dont trust you. I'm saying the definition of Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. you're getting what you want out of someone else and I have nothing left to give. I'm sure you dont cum as hard for him, but give it time and direction and im sure that changes. everything I had or did is replaceable. repeatable. forgettable.

and both our relationships are fledgling. I know you care about him, but you're damaged like me. I know that its gratitude. it's like someone giving you a massage. you're thankful, but a connection that does not make. I'm not saying my situation is better, infact, its possibly worse. I'm involved with someone I've had a decade long crush on. who's choosing to mess with men again specifically due in part to ME. the idea of either one of us getting into something even partial meaningful is laughable and HIGHLY dangerous to those people who are involved. I'm taking things intentionally slow because I dont want this person to be a rebound. sex, affection, anything. I need to process before I dedicate myself to anyone. but you're having a much more casual and adult relationship. will it turn into something REAL? who can say. but regardless, it is a rebound. just like I was. and I had to fight tooth and nail through the first year due to your friends influencing you, you still fucking around with your ex (lol that's me now) and your general uneasiness to want to be official in an attempt to a real, honest relationship.

idk. maybe I'm reading into the fact that you dont care if "mystery man gets hurt". I am envious of your casual and open thing. I wish for the same, but the Universe apparently needed me to know that my longtime ultra crush was interested in me and.. I.. I couldn't turn it down. i need it after everything. i was almost driven crazy. the only thing that's missing is the physical part and im.. trying to keep it like that. I dont know why. I should take a page out of your book and just.. do it. you have that now. probably wasnt more than a couple of dates before, if that. I have this meaning and purpose associated with sex... and that's hard when you were in love with someone who felt differently. I wanted to be the one to take care of you. even if we werent doing well. just break it down to its physical components and go to town and just.. part ways after. no strings. but that's not something we could ever believe the other could do with one another. and it hurts.. a lot to know you're physically with someone else.

a lot.

[anarchoromantic]

shut the fuck up are you really this ignorant?? do you not see the news ever?? have you missed the entire black lives matter movement?? have you ever actually spoken to an on-duty cop in your life?? theyre aggressive and terrifying.

and no they do not risk their lives, or rarely ever die compared to the people they kill.

cops absolutely racially profile!! theyve shot a 17 y/o, a 14 y/o kid, countless mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, just because they were standing around looking suspicious, aka being black. did you overlook the entire stephon clark case?? he was in his own backyard holding a cellphone when the police shot at him 20 fucking times, killing him. he was 22 and he was black. shit like this is almost common now, and yet you choose to willfully ignore it. cops do this because they know they wont get in trouble for it-- its coddling from people like you that ensures that they can get away with committing heinous hate crimes. theyre the cops, they uphold the law, so when they break it once or twice whos gonna call them out for it?? they know this and they take advantage of it!! theyre high off power and they dont care who they shoot bc ultimately they wont face repurcussions!! the cop who shot tamir rice (12 years old!!) wasnt fired bc he killed a child, he was fired a year later for withholding information on his job application. the murder of a young black kid was seen as less of an offence than a blunder on a job application. do you not see how fucked up that is??? and yet you continue to insist that police are these innocent holier-than-thou babies with pure intentions like some shounen protagonist, and not grown people with their own agency and hate imbedded deep in their rotted hearts.

cops all over the country uphold an oppressive system, because all of america is infected with their disease. there is no one state that is clean of police brutality towards minorities. besides black people, homeless people, trans people, mentally ill people, and other poc are often targeted because their appearance or situation fit the part. theyre profiled because they look like a criminal, they look dirty and evil in the minds of cops, who have been brought to think of them this way deliberately. they could be doing nothing but trying to exist and they would still get shot, just because some random guy with 6 months of training decided that they looked useless enough to society to be able to kill and not face consequences for it. they do not protect minorities, and instead are those said minorities number one enemy. they are accused more often, arrested more often, injured more often, and killed more often than the standard white cishet pureblood American man. this is undeniable. the stonewall riots, currently one of the most famous lgbt riots, happened in response to police violence. the cops knew stonewall was a popular place amongst gay and trans people, and made the conscious decision to raid it instead of patrolling anywhere else. this isnt uncommon knowledge, and still you think it wasnt blatant transphobia and homophobia?? minorities are in more danger from the cops than the cops are in danger from them, but the public face of the police force would have mindless people like you fall for their lies and believe that everything cops do is in "self-defense" or to "protect people". the only thing cops protect in the long run is the systematic oppression of minorities. the police force was not borne from a genuine want to protect people, but to stop those who would break the laws they created, which at the time may i remind you included slavery. police have always hated minorities and have never been quiet about it, but apparently youre deaf to the suffering of others.

i implore you to do some thinking for yourself and just look at the facts, read some news, do whatever you can and just form your own opinion instead of blindly following the people in power. sure not all individual cops have killed or tortured someone, but they all made the decision to be a part of an institution that encourages such things. police thrive on violence and it doesnt take a genius to see that.

i hate cops

[wintershoujo]

damsel has stress when did i find myself lying in the dark on the floor of my bathroom contemplating contemplating where to go from here what path i can choose what distance i roam and what itll all mean in the end i might not look the part or sound the part or act the part but im a girl, and nobody else knows it but all my friends on the internet and my closest friends who dont understand why did it end up like this why am i the gay cousin who gave me the job of being ridiculed and estranged from everyone but my mom and everyone but my dad and everyone but my sister who i dont even know how theyll react i always joke about wearing dresses to formal, calling myself a slut and acting the sassy gay friend, but im just using the vantage of my public sexuality, to joke about my feelings, the ones i keep bottled up inside, the feelings only i know, the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body born a boy on january 2nd, in the early 2000s, playing with action figures and motorbikes, not minding my body, born a girl on january 2nd, mid 2010s, who wants to embrace her gender while everyone else watches in confusion as to why a "man" like me just wants to be in a dress im still the same person, im hardly different from you, im still the same dysphoric mistake who nobody fucking loves anymore. tomorrow's gossip, today im not some experiment to gawk at im not some kid trying parent's clothes im not your fucking chew toy what i am is a fucking woman but youll say im not a girl even though my brainwaves tell the truth and ive felt hate for my body since age 10 and ive felt hate for living since age 10 the only difference between you and me is that im the one with a dick gender is fake ill define myself how i want cut the reactionary bullshit cry your cishet tears cause im that social justice trans lady that the basement dwellers warned for dont forget we made lgbt dont forget we were in stonewall dont forget we'll lead the revolution dont forget, your ideology fuckin sucks once in a lifetime events just make you sad when theyre done, cause you know youll never see it again i had a dream last night you were there youre always there in my head i had a dream last night everything was better for me everything was better for us lying down in my bed i got a confession of love we became one i woke up and nothing had changed the night before was the truth im still miserable still only lone im breathing, eating, drinking and sleeping, but i am not living maybe i shouldnt be alive maybe i was meant to die before i wanted it maybe whatever god made me made a mistake maybe im just bored in class and decided to vent a bit maybe im a liar, i doubt myself every single day maybe ive got no personality and i steal from the people i like maybe im misanthropic maybe im in love maybe i should realize im in love with both of them maybe they are tearing me apart from the arms maybe i cant deal with myself and i use them as coping methods maybe theyre just distractions maybe i shouldnt be alive dada daaaaaaa maybe youve hated me from the beginning maybe i came off as creepy maybe i got in the way of your own love maybe im