#dont report me im fine
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omg another vent post where moonie talks about her trauma 😗✌🏻 yeah im sick of me too.
i just want this to be over and i wanna be healed and functional and not an inconsistent zombie just dragging herself through each day. i literally just survive at this point and it's not fun or fresh and it's pissing me off. i only cope through life with daydreaming and escapist media and it's killing me bit by bit. i miss being able to properly engage and communicate and be present in my life. and im trying so hard to get better too. meds and therapy and worksheets and healthy living. but it isn't enough because the baseline stress level of being a working class person in the UK rn is insane. it's impossible to look after yourself. like i just need access to time and money to heal properly. i feel like i do some healing and take steps forward in my recovery but then am burnt out with work and other stuff going on that it's kinda counterproductive. i have to work to survive but i need time to work on myself and i hate this system and how we've set up the way we live and i just can't deal. im getting old and sick and i cba. i once again feel like this is only ever gonna end one way and i don't wanna quit life. but sometimes i really don't see the point.
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fighting tooth nail and tail for the puppy url
#wish me luck#just picture me opening and closing my hands in a strangling motion. current puppy i could treat her so much better. i will usurp you#idk how faulty tumblrs url releasing is because. they said on the guidelines. theyd release any dormant/inactive accs#but when i went to send my report on the quick faq they said they. dont release any terminated/dormant account urls. so#i attached a screencap of the blog and a picture of that specific line on the guidelines page so they can see where im getting it from#am i taking this too seriously? is it really worth it to have the puppy url? am i being petty?#if it means taking less than 5-10 min to write my url because there are seven (7) p's in my username and i keep losing count. well#anyway i just asked them to check the accounts activity and give me a solid answer. if its not open its fine ill just clench my fists#and then forget my rage and bitterness in a week#yapping
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reading a single tf comedy fic will confront u with the authors viewpoints on: heads of military, heads of state, stance on revolutionary politics, reporters, freedom of the press, cops, class stigmatized labour, civilian liberties, criminalized... miscreantism? blows big breath kicks can down the road... minorities?
#some shit#its not called cisformers#there indeed could be a use case where i said all this and was saying it in a positive tone.#reader: i am not#i gotta stop opening links from tumblr the reccs just arent worth it#groans. why are you guys so fucking authoritarian. dont u wanna watch animated or smth with me. cant we have fun.#honestly the amount of times i see like. evil/nuisance reporters is bizarre. like oh well sure I KNOW corporate news media just washes the#hands of the state. but.... somehow i feel thats not your angle. given. who the mains always are#also: every time im forced to defend an iteration that actually isnt that good but at least has concepts more interesting and thought out#than ave. fandom. fan fic of other fanfic. world states. sighhhhhh#its a lot of bitching i know i know listen. only cause im out here on my lonesome on this beautiful thrusday morning alright. its fine.#theres are the facts of the. online space i choose to spend time in.... :/ god help me
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Me: I should probably clean my room, unpack, find my laptop and finish the work tasks that were due yesterday
Also me: I think I'm going to hot glue flowers, vines, and ribbons to a basket instead :)
#no my room is so bad it even hurts my chronically messy soul#i moved back in with my parents in May and im terrible at unpacking#so everything is just strewn about because i just pulled shit out of boxes when i needed them and never put them anywhere productive#and i just got back from my summer camp job. i still need to digitize my inventory and write my closing report#it was supposed to be done before i left camp but i convinced them to let me do it by monday#today is tuesday#part of the reason i havent done it is because my laptop is lost in this mess#last thing im procrastinating is ren faire prep#truly its not much prep just adding vines and flowers to a basket and needing to try on my whole outfit#and practice my makeup and hair#makeup will be light bcuz i dont know how to do makeup#so im just doing some lipstick and glittery highlight#and i need to figure out what to do with my hair. i have a tiara that i might see about fastening into the braids#or i may braid ribbons into my hair. gotta test to see whoch one i like better#i am so fucking excited for ren faire bcuz im going with my gf and some of her friends#im so excited to meet her friends and spend time with her outside of the summer camp we worked at together#AND im going to do her hair and she asked me to braid ribbons into her hair so im so excited#i just need to practice some braids to figure out how i want to do her hair and practice braiding in ribbons#i fucking love doing hair and i cant wait to do hers. ive done single strand braods for her before BUT#she has long beautiful hair and ive been wanting to try more braids on her and i think i have an idea of what i want to do#but instead of doing anything productive. i am sitting in bed. doing nothing#(spoiler alert its because every time i leave camp i get treated to a terrible depressive episode)#(its because i lose the routine and sunshine and exercise and social aspect of camp probably)#(now worsened by the terrible state of my room and the passing of one of my rats while i was at camp that i just learned about)#anyway im doing fine. gonna go do something now ig
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Perhaps this tiredness has a reason. Pass me the beetroot.
#iron deficiency be gone#when i get home#i dont want to be out of the house rn its too rainy#too cold#im so tired#if i dont post again in three hours its bc i died on a wet road car crash#IM NOT DRIVING. IM NOT TIRED AND DRIVING. ITS JHST THE RAIN IS BAD.#dont report me for self defamatory thoughts i went to therapy yesterday and sad everything was fine AND IT IS FINE#im just tired#AND IM NOT DRIVING.
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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imagine a supergirl story but good and original....dc get on this
#literally let me write supergirl since you dont wanna!!!#i'll doo it!! i have ideas#like coherent ones even#there is a well developed supergirl who lives in my brain and she could live in canon too#anyway this million dollar idea for free....dc feel free to use this idea......#like imagine if she had her own city and rogues gallery and supporting characters and it wasnt all a lazy ripoff of clarks.....#it would be so easy im begging 😭#first of all the only good job she ever had was guidance counselor do NOT make her a reporter or put her in a dang soap opera#now ur already ahead of 90 percent of supergirl content#then just. tell a coherent plot <3#give her a good love interest for ONCE and dont let it be a walmart kryptonian or lois lane but a dude#fr her love interest should be from earth this is essential and ideally not superpowered but could still be a superhero#but no aliens! and not braniac ffs#and not a knockoff lois lane#a non powered or low powered hero who is still awesome would be very cool#let her fall in love with humanity#and give her her own rogues gallery make some new bad guys its ok i promise 😭#anyway.....infinite bitterness i could go on forever#also dont call her linda and dont make her a danvers she is a kent she should be kara kent its fine i promise its fine#smallville was right abt that part#i will NEVER draw an in depth web comic but i might write a fic thats just the supergirl story as it should be from start to present lol#anyway dc has no ideas for her and they have never had ideas for her and it shows#having no story to tell never stopped them from telling a story tho bless <3#this has been a shitpost#welcome back to me complaining
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doc: okay try and call me past this hour and we can talk over the case
me: ok
>tries to call
>the phone number doesnt work
me:
#work logs#i dont blame him at all tbh it just made for an easier day and i managed to finish a part of my studies#i got a lot from today anyways so im fine w not lmao#anyways i just Left lmao#if i could find him again tomorrow or something sure ill talk to him about what happened but like 🧍🏻♂️#the numbers dont work so idk how to get in contact w him lmao#snow speaks#anyways. back to studying ig lmao#better use of my time anyways gjdjfjdjd#i said it before but priority is studying for the exams rather than impression#beside i dont learn much of anything on the wards bc it goes by so fast#brushing up on skills is fine but do it to much#augh i just realized i have to write up two reports this week noooo#at least one of them i cleaned up nicely its just copy pasting#i think im just juggling through anxiety between 'good impression!!!' vs 'whats necessary'#i dont like wasting time lmao thats like the worst hell for me jfjfjdjd#edit: and then anxiety hits LMAO#but also like its out of my hands at this point how else do i contact him?#nothing to stress over lmao
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Also another thing that’s fucked up is that my parents told me to not be outwardly angry at school because then someone would call like the equivalent of CPS in Canada, genuinely don’t know what it’s called, and take me away. I being like. 12. thought “yeah no seems legit” or more accurately, “i don’t want to get taken away from my family.”
And then, and then, this other time, when my dad just fucking left, we were talked to by a person from I guess the Canadian equivalent of CPS and I, even though I knew it was wrong at that point, kept my mouth shut. My mom told us to keep our mouths shut. And my sister didn’t, she told them and they did nothing.
Thinking thoughts. Having feelings. Idk.
#landscaping your mind chapter one#like what the fuck.#what the actual fuck.#i should probably make a tag for this lol#the last post wasnt a vent. i shared an anecdote and connected it to a problem i see#this post is a vent. i’m saying ‘what the fuck’ over and over in my head#somehow it’s very hard to deal with trauma when you’re actively living it. who’d’ve thought#/s#i want to leaveee#and yeah it’s like ‘kris just tell a teacher they legally have to report it’ and?? i don’t have citizenship im a dependent and most likely#they’ll just talk to my parents and decide theyre fine. bc they’re nice a lot of the time#most likely my parents will get angry at me even more for reporting them#and hey! when i told the councillor that my mom hit me in 2021 she made the call to kids help and they said it wasnt big enough#this was… before they hit me more. this year. yippee /s#i just. im so hashtag jonathan sims coded. there’s a way out. there’s a way out but i don’t think i can take it.#there’s a way out but i’m afraid. there’s a way out but this is the only life i’ve ever known. they’re the only parents i’ve ever known.#i love them. i love my sisters. i just… i have to wait for a better out#hey! at least i have an end date for this!#18th birthday babyyyyy#(pls dont be concerned im fine)#vent#child abuse#tw child abuse#cw child abuse
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i dont feel like being generally disliked on tumblr is a good enough reason to shadow ban me
#i mean. theres ppl who have admited to doing crazy fucked up shit on here but ig bc they dont get mass reported. its like. fine#but someone writes whats essentially a conspiracy theory callout post about me that no one tells me about but i just feel in my heart#exists by virtue of the way ppl operate on here- all the sudden its fine if im shadow banned#lol#this website feels like one big massive clique#all the more reason i felt the need to draw that short comic#and yes to whomstever it may concern- i do in fact think not coming to me at all to know what i believe or think about whatever conclusion#yall have come to about me is a conspiracy theory.#like thats just how they're made#not a far couple steps away from rumors to conspiracy theories the longer you refuse to actually engage w the person you're making shit#up about.#ik its not like the whole website that hates me but boy howdy does it feel like a good chunk of it.#hopefully its just the terfs but ik yall in the queer community and fandom communities are weird in this kinda way too about making#callout posts and just like believing them without question
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Meow...?
#queued october 30th#HI HPW ARE YOU FUTURE ME !!!!!#seasonal depression is kicking my ass but at least w/ my bitch of a roommate i can feel angry ibstead of sas#sad*#whatever#how is the roommate btw. ugn nvm I dont even want to talk abt her#how was the party event thing!!! on the 10th!!!!!#im excited for it#ive been good revently !!! classes ahve been. fine#im workingnon the hikaru drawin w/ thay cool bg and also the billy comic rn#loveee the billy comic. the guy ever#i wanna cut my hair all messy again#OH have you drawn yhe little OC chibis for the acrylic keychains yet !!!!!#hows japanese been btw!! ive been tryin to learj some kanji on my own bcs im not rlly doung anything new in it#OHHH DID U INVITE THAT COOL GIRL IN UR MANGA CLASS TO A MOVIE#PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TALE OF PRINCESS KAGUYA U NEED TO INVITE JER#u assume u finished karekano now so how was it!!! have u started the manga#i rlly like it. genuinely one of my fav anime#HOW WAS THE NEW EPIC SAGA. IM SO EXCITED#ive been wanting to make a chai tiramisu. if u havent made it by the time this posts DO ITTTTT#i dont rlly have oyjer dtuff to say. hope ur having a great day!!! stay save and I love you#weather report
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was brave and talked to my doctor abt my period bs + she said it might be endometriosis without me even having to bring it up... 💀
#shes prescribed me naproxen & tranexamic acid for now bc theyre basically the only 2 painkiller options i havent tried yet#but shes said she'll text me some resources on endometriosis and asked me to book an appt in january to update her#and then she can either issue a repeat script or we can go down the route of trying to diagnose a condition#which would likely take a long time so id probably have to try hormonal meds again in the meantime but she was rly understanding abt#the fact id had negative experiences w them before so was apprehensive abt it. so nice to have a dr who actually cares instead of trying#to fob me off w over the counter meds which is what happened last time lol#she was like wow im surprised they told you to take codeine for cramps thats not smth id recommend due to the side effects 💀#like damn. well ive been doing it for the last few years and yeah its not great#augh.... its ok tho i feel better now im actively doing smth abt it and looking for a diagnosis is an option thats available#bc ik how rare it is for gps to take patients seriously. the average diagnosis time for endometriosis is 12 years in wales 💀💀#my mums had such a struggle with gynaecology in her part of the country too shes been waiting for an operation for almost a year#and they booked her in for it and everything and then when she showed up the doctor was like im so so sorry i dont have access to a clinic#and i wanted to cancel your appt bc obvs i cant carry out the surgery without a clinic but the practice refused to let me cancel it#she showed my mum emails shed sent to management begging them to let her cancel patients she wasnt able to treat bc its such a waste of#everyones time and resources and rly shitty to do but they told her to 'watch herself and think about meeting her targets' 💀#bc cancellations look bad on their records so they were forcing her to hold appts without treatment anyway lmfao#insane country how is the nhs still functioning.#anyway thats todays medical report ik how eagerly u guys have been waiting on my pussy update#didnt ask abt antidepressants bc didnt have time and anyway im handling it better now its just taken a while to adjust to the shorter days#and the cramp stuff is way more pressing bc i get them for a week or two before my period AND when i ovulate now#so im probably spending equal amts of time in pain than not in pain every month now 👍#actually makes me feel fucking insane when i start thinking about it. its fine tho. okay im gonna piss and then go out again to sort out#everything ive gotta do today and then i can just chill this afternoon#how is it only 10am.....#.diaries
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being great with kids has this unforseen negative side effect that i am in no way equipped to cope with
#im great with little kids#but im especially great at working with the kids with behavioral issues#the ones that no one else wants to work with#ive gotten myself the job of working one-on-one with any misbehaving or psychologically disabled kids at church#which is fine#i mean im good at it and the kids really like me and it prevents them from disrupting everyone else#so its a win-win-win situation#except that this also means i work with the kids who are showing signs of problems that should probably be reported#so this boy i worked with today is probably in a really abusive household and now im stressed and anxious as shit worrying about him#its not his fault hes an awesome human being and i really respect him and im so glad he talked to me about it so maybe something can be don#and dont worry ive reported it to the people im supposed to report it to#but now IM a fucked up anxious mess#tw child abuse#three pigeons in a trench coat
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As an white autistic who unlearned several prejudices and stereotypes:
Idgaf how autistic you are, stop being racist.
idgaf how autistic you are stop being racist😭😭
#stop trying to use your neurodiversity as an excuse to make other people uncomfortable#its actually easier with autism because you just identify the talking points and logic them all to dust#then you actively stop yourself whenever you're going back into bad patterns#it might take effort to change but it shouldnt take effort to want to change if you really are a good person#i've also been working on my parents#and im happy to report that they're realizing when and why things they think/say are bad and are putting effort in to be better#my sister not so much but hey im fine with being an only child if I have to be#but please please everyone stop using your neurodiversity to excuse things#its why people dont fucking believe actual neurodivergent problems#if we want people to learn and respect our diasbility then you need to stop using it as an excuse for things it doesn't affect.#specifically your bigotry but that also stands for other things as well#also on that note please let me know if this is not an okay addition to add im not trying to whiteknight anything here#is that the term idk#this is meant to support your post not to piggyback/take credit or anything
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what does it mean when u keep thinking about breaking up with ur bf not cause u need to break up but cause u need a fucking BREAK apparently except I would miss him constantly but god I need a break
except I get to go back to work tomorrow but I am not even looking forward to it
#i am so drunk loloopies#i am. miserable. wish i wS dead. not allowed to kill myself. not allowed to mention i wanna kil myself#wonderful#according tk bf ive told everyone we've talked to that i wanna kill myself even tho im.p sure the only people ive told are#him and my dad#infront of him anyways#otherwise irs been: his entire family (because of situations) and my one coworker who told my boss#bit thats only caise o was at my wits end and she could see how completg miserable i was#but he said ive told so many people#ike ok thanks#fuck off#idk he didnt mean it like thay#its just awful#this is awful#i wish i never got in a relationship zo i didnt have to let someone i love so much down#wojld be so much easier of he was just liwuor store boy#cant disappoint a stranger#widh i was fucking dead and i cant even do that#dont report me for suicidal thoughs trust me i eont do anything#im fine#well im not#but i couldnt even bring myself to self harm i definitely won't be offing myself#so dw i guess
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never
i can’t let water
fall from my eyes
but i can let blood
fall from my veins
it’s easier
i think
to hurt on the outside
than on the inside
they always tell you
make fun of yourself
before they can make fun
of you
so i suppose
i’m preparing
hurting myself
before they can hurt me
i know they hate me
i know they’ll leave
they’re only staying because
they feel responsible for me
and i hate
that if they left
they would be right
not eating, not sleeping, not surviving
because i just can’t
be fucking normal
about anything
can i?
#sorry#uh#if you know me irl no you dont /hj#just ignore this please#its fine i swear#i can't handle this#im really tired#sorry i wrote this in like two minutes i know its awful#(im not in any danger please dont report me)#might delete anyway idk
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