#dont look at me i am TRYING to draw again okay. its hard. in this economy?

[lenaellsi]

dinner date

[cali]

HOW do you have the patience to make these details... how do you decide where each line goes when there are so many? Is it channeling something? Or do you have to think and reason, okay, this line goes here, and then the next line goes here...

when i was younger i used to think spending more time on art made it better and i would kind of try to prove my mettle in art by use of heavy detailing instead of via technical skill. also i generally care moreso about the details in things rather than bigger picture so im more inclined to have my drawings reflect that... now i dont think that time makes it better anymore but thru years of working like this ive just developed a general affinity for extensive detail. i am trying to be more content with making simpler stuff too but i have to consciously learn that though, keeping it simple and staying confident about it.

do i channel something:

mmmm...maybe? sometimes a picture makes me a little crazy and i feel like i have to represent some type of perfect divinity in a "correct" manner.

heres 3 pics where that happened. the first two are trying to be more representational of concepts whereas the latter is more general level ornamental. like how a church would be decorated.

im a little more lax now on dedicating pictures to spirituality, but a lot of my pictures still have some type of divinity meets earth topic and in those i always think of the divine as something that in its truest form couldnt be understood but because the creature has divine power it can present itself or modify the world in any way it wanted to. and so it would choose ways that are easily understood as beautiful and good. why angels are pretty...

thats whats happening in these. the comet makes its body be beautiful while the seal eel serpent is showing its power thru perfect control of the water and making a really pretty splash

to ur question of how i decide on each line: its a mix between keeping every line imbued with intent but also not concentrating on the picture so hard that i have to enact force on it. i still redo most of my lines multiple times but i also dont feel fully conscious for the detail part of these bigger pictures. i have to be in a good mental state and those happen rarely. my workflow isnt ideal. a lot of days i do nothing and then on one day of the week i dont do anything but draw on one picture for 14+ hrs. i did that a couple days ago again and its euphoric in the moment, but the day after i feel drained dry as fuck. theres also an aspect to it where i draw virtue from patience and dedication to a task. i try to steel my patience a lot and drawing like this is part of that. i look up to nuns and eunuchs or that spaniard who built a church solo. id like to have that type of mindset with a Will that strong. but i dont want to do it via god based faith but instead my own thing. sorry for babble- thank you for the ask.

[spaciebabie]

any advice 4 when u want to keep drawing 2 improve but u cant get over perfectionism ? like when u just dont care how its gonna turn out, if its bad its bad yknow?

ahh yes lowkey ive struggled with this a lot. not as much now as in the past tho, and honestly its beecuz ive developed a more neutral view on myself/my art in general. its going to take time to get to this state of mind, so dont be too hard on yourself when you find yourself falling into bad habits.

advice under the cut (kind of long winded) ⬇️⬇️⬇️

the first thing ive done to overcome perfectionism is focus less on details and more about overall shape and form. when i sketch im trying to get roughly what i want, and i limit the strokes i do in certain parts of my sketch to like 1-3 depending on what im drawing (im ngl i also am very impatient and have created a workflow that makes it so i am able to start and finish pieces as fast as possible LOLOLOL. shrugs. i just like drawing fast).

a good example would be this thing i just drew:

in all of my sketches i tend to use as few strokes as possible and just get the basic idea down. good for not overly focusing on teeny tiny details and worrying about them later (i also use the same technique for lineart, but just end up connecting the lines. thats another tip i have, if you like your sketches more than your fully lined pieces, just line the same way you sketch! or you could also use your sketch as your lineart :P)

another tip i have is to draw from references, and once again, focus mostly on shape/form/the big picture of your subject before going into details (do you know how many planes there are on the human face....i still dont know howta draw faces properly but im not mad at myself anymore about it, i just open up a reference and try to learn). i also recommend having a drawing session where the goal is to draw awfully. draw something you want to draw, but that you're not sure if you'll draw it right, and draw it. dont try to correct it, acknowledge that what you made isnt perfect, and then draw something else. you're learning! of course its not gonna be perfect. but inevitably, you're going to get frustrated. just remember if its something you really want to go back to, you will be able to revisit it in the future. feel your anger and frustration, but do your best to not direct it inward.

small side tangent about shading- I AM SO SHIT AT SHADING SKFHSAFDJHS. people dont tend to notice (surprising), since ig my shading style is considered "beautiful" or something, but if you looked at it on a technical level, there are mistakes everywhere. i havent really tried to improve it. i dont really care most of the time b/c i just like shading for fun. and especially when im shading my sketches, i already have it in my mind that its not supposed to be perfect. its a sketch. this is where im supposed to make all of my mistakes. once i start making my way to the final product is when i start worrying more about if i did the lighting correctly (even then ik im not good at it im not trying to be a god im just trying to draw things that make me happy).

additionally, i really rec u dont try and fudge a sketch until its better if you're deep in a Perfectionist moment. keep the old sketch and start over on a new sketch taking bits and pieces you liked from the original, and improving on those that you dont (shitty thumbnails are also good if you have a vague idea in mind but need ta figure out howta place subjects in your scene). honestly drawing the same thing/idea over and over gets me a better understanding of my subject each time, so naturally each iteration looks better. it doesnt take me that long to sketch tho, so if sketching takes you forever (sometimes if sketching takes you forever its b/c you're a perfectionist skjfskdjf) just think about how much time you're willing to spend on something. remember☝️ its okay to give up/take a break on something and try again later. sometimes you just needta stop looking at your art and like. look at a tree or something lmfao.

i will also say that im not looking to go into a career in art, im more of a hobbyist. ik school environments dont exactly.....help with perfectionism lol. there are certain expectations put on people who go into the art field that are inescapable. if this is the case for you, i still think what ive discussed before can help you, but i also think that you may need to lean more on the mental tips i have also provided below.

alright! mental health tips in regard to art:

so, i have c-ptsd, and with that comes a lot of self image issues that ive had to work on. my feelings about myself extended to the way i felt about my art. it was shit, it was awful, i cant draw like this other person can so why bother, if its not perfect i shouldnt draw at all, etc. and honestly, something thats helped is affirmations. my affirmations are c-ptsd related, but ive noticed a shift in the way i view myself, and by extent, my art since ive started repeating them to myself daily. and honestly, i think a requirement of overcoming perfectionism is telling yourself that your art doesnt hafta be perfect, A LOT. LOL. LIKE YOU ACTUALLY HAFTA ACTIVELY TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE NOT AWFUL LMAOOOO. its funny, we dont think much about how we naturally are self critical about ourselves, and we dont realize that we are basically repeating negative affirmations about ourselves over and over and thats why we're not improving (mentally).

even when you're not drawing, i think it would benefit some people to have some kind of notification on their phone to remind them to tell themselves that their art doesnt hafta be perfect daily/however often you feel you might need it. and then with that affirmation, practice Shitty Drawing. one of the best tips ive ever gotten for this was from one of my friends monnie. get out your sketchbook or some printer paper, take out a shitty pen, and DRAW. and then any mistakes you make are permanent and you cant just endlessly try and fix them. it forces you ta sit with this uncomfortable feeling that something you made isnt perfect. eventually your brain will realize that when your art isnt perfect, you can still draw and you're ALLOWED to continue to draw even if what you make isnt spectacular. if you dont want to repeat an affirmation daily, try to remember to at least repeat it before you sit down to draw. something along the lines of "my art doesnt hafta be perfect in order for me to want to draw. im allowed to draw even if its not perfect" or something else. it depends on what you most struggle with in regards to your perfectionism. im ngl its probably going to feel cringe at first, but i promise you, it really works if you put it into practice longterm.

shoot for neutrality instead of positivity first. let me tell you thats where i am now and its so much less exhausting drawing lmfaooo. i make something that looks like shit and im just like. i dont fucking careee i dont give a fuccckkkkk

those are my tips :] i hope this was helpful!

[sunshine-in-a-bottle]

Suds!! You are yet again like 90% of my art reblogs. 😭😭😭

Thanku for remembering my arts. 💙

HOW COULD I FORGET WHEN YOURE LITERALLY ONE OF THE BEST OUT THERE???? I'M ALWAYS EATING GOOD WHEN ITS YOU

Actually everyone who sees this post I provide you with a list of good tired art to reblog:

->Pretty boy skateboarder Punz

->Sparkly lovely XD??? Oh my god??

->Drunz is doing a little dance<3

->Being emotional about cFundy, as a treat

->Schlatt being a poor little baa-baa<3333

->Listen Punz deserves to give Dream flowers. shut up I'm normal

->Foosh. The Most Foosh. Look At Him. Give Him Hugs.

->yes I'm grabbing every drunz art. its not my fault its so well done. I have demons okay. theyre hugging.

->Dream getting cuddles from Steve The Polar Bear

->Philza and George bow designs !!!! Jesus christ these are so cool. how do I learn to make weapon designs.

->A Ranboo design that absolutely delights me. Different ties depending on if its Ran or Ender, aaaaaa

->hey guys did you know Punz is one of my favorite characters<-frothing at the mouth

->honestly weapon and armor designs are my weakness

->DRUNZ DRUNZ DRUNZ DRUNZ DRUNZ AAAAAAAAAAAAA

->Dream getting the comfort he deserves

->Punz covered in blood

->Catboy!Punz (no the dopamine hits I get every time I reblog Punz art are normal doctor)

->I am NORMAL about PUNZ shut UP (Valo design)

->Post-Prison Dream trying to cut his hair, HNRRRR-

->FUCK (more Catboy Punz)

->hnnnnnn Mob boss Dream with loyal right hand Punz???? augh

->FEM DREAM EVERYONE ITS A CODE GREEN, STAY CALM WAIT FUCK SHE'S FULLY COLORED IN THIS ONE. STAY FUCKING CALM-

->Drunz chained together. Very normal. I am normal.

->hnnnn why is Dream so pretty in this. I need Punz to kiss him.

->no you dont understand I'm studying how you drew Grians wings to see if I can learn how to draw them that good. christ I want to learn your power.

-> Technoblade comic featuring other people missing him. My heart hurts a lot looking at this.

->Valo Punz (instant dopamine hit)

->Tireds DTIYS Dream that I don't feel I could ever feasibly attempt just because its so fucking godly. But I Will Try Someday Soon. fucking hell.

->WAIT MUMBO WITH LONG HAIR???

->Lynx Punz (instant dopamine hit)

->Holy shit. Grian as a marble statue with wings spread. The level of ability on display here is spectacular????

->drunz are hugging (I am once again frothing at the mouth)

->Hnnnnnn tarot card Dream looking so pretty

->god, this fucks me up so hard. Punz is taking a picture of Dream, in absolute awe, but Punz's comic panel is the one thats shaped like a photo. As if they can capture their reaction but theyll never be able to capture Dream's joy, his beauty and light. (AND THEN YOU COLORED IT)

->Witches Dreamnap. Its so funny to me that Sapnap seems fully into it while Dream is right behind him looking Ready For Mischief

->hnnnnn baby Punzzzzz, BABY PUNZZZZZZZZZ AAAAAAAA (instant dopamine hit)

->literally all of your expression memes??? Dream covered in blood while Purpled is chill about it. Wet Cat Mumbo. The Foosh with hearts in his eyes. Shy pretty boy Dream with braided hair. TANGO. The fuckinnnn Foosh/XD kiss. SNF (my favorite underrated ship) and Grumbo. DREAMNAP YES. Drunz getting to be happy!!!

->Obligatory Etho Chilling In A Tree<33

->A Canary Loves His Coal Mine. FUCK (comic)

->Dreamnap kissing and more FooshXD. <-bites down on my phone, instantly destroying it

->Enderman Dream for cHybrid day<333

->pissboy Purpled<3 (says this with love and giggles)

->smalletho comic. Why does this feel so comfortable and nostalgic.

->the flowers trailing down.... who is this...

->bdubs and Dream, and interaction I've never thought of before but now want to see happen

->Drunz, hgnhhhhh

->Jimmy Solidarity worshipping Scar at the altar.

->I tried really, really hard to scroll past Sam, thinking I could be strong. I have my own demons to face.

->I really love when people do like, Different Eyes For Different Characters Posts. Its delightful

->god fucking damn. stop converting me to Ethoisms

->DREAMNOTNAP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

->Drunz with more Lynx Punz (instant dopamine hit)

->MORE DRUNZ WITH LYNX PUNZ (a second dopamine hit)

->SNAKE DREAM WITH LYNX PUNZ (stop stop I'm already dead)

->fuck. goddamit. Dream is leaning in to bite Punz's wrist. I need to throw myself directly into the lake.

->noooooo Snake Dream wrapping around Punz for warmth. My 37th weakness.

->Punz. (dopamine hit.)

->Drunznap. Objectively beautiful<333

->Valo Dream to go with the Valo Punz, HNNNNN THEY MUST ALWAYS BE TOGETHER

->hey you ever cry while gently caressing a cracking marble statue of your lover? Just normal Dream about Punz things :))))

->Hnnnn Punz expressions. Theyre so fucking !!!!! barkbarkbark

->Drunz DBH au. hahaha I can be normal (you witness me shatter a plate in my hands)

->punz in a dresss hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

->IM FEASTING, DRUNZ KISSING. BRAIN IS LIGHTING UP.

->s2 Dream design !!! He has a cane!!!!! As he should :oDDDD (WAIT THERES A SECOND VERSION)

->inhales. You Can Always Rely On Your Knight, Dream. He loves you so much.

->Punzzz (instant dopamine hit.)

->Dream in Punz's clothes!!!! (smashes my head against a concrete brick)

->Drunz DRUNZ Drunz Drunzzz dRuNz DRUNZZZZ (them<3)

->The Grian/Dream apocalypse, the ship we needed and so desperately deserved. I have been converted.

okay I have to stop. This list is getting too long. I have to be normal. (Foolish Valo Design)

Yes I went through Tired's art tag to grab these. Honestly I went through about 20 pages before I lost steam. And There's Still More. I'd go check out his art for the full list, I barely covered half of it- especially if youre into the Hermitcraft/Life series. Here's the tag, have fun scrolling <3

[fandomfluffandfuck]

S that latest poll answer makes me sad for you. Did that inspire that fic you wrote about Sebastians body image and thr beetle?

related to my tags on this poll & this fic of mine "The Kids Aren't Alright"

This gets personal and kind of intense, so it goes below the cut!

Trigger warning for discussion of general poor mental health, depression, suicidal ideation/self harm, eating disorders, body image issues, etc.

The short answer is an overwhelming yes.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" was very much something that I wrote because it struck a chord in me--Sebastian talking about his experience with body dysmorphia always hits home for me as a guy with body dysmorphic disorder, and the first time I heard Mackie admittedly very affectionately teasing him, saying he got stuck in the VW Beetle, I was a little horrified, I mean, secondhand embarrassement, imagining embarrasment so vividly it was horrible, really. So, naturally, I had to make it into a fic.

Also, I hope you don't mind, sweets, before going on, I'm adding onto your ask with another that I got even more recently:

youre very generous with what you share, so ignore this if im over the line, but its mens mental health month and that suicidal ideation post made me think of your mental health, whats been your experience with it?? i dont have a lot of men in my life who are willing to share with me, so i thought i would ask you 🥰🥰 please delete this if youre uncomfy tho

which is related to this

Both of you are such sweethearts!

Thanks, though, I don't exactly try to share a shit ton 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess, eh, being somewhat anonymous in this corner of the internet yet being honest in the form of the spectrum of emotion from raw feral angst to private domestic fluff to shameless shut coaxes me into being so forthcoming? Not that I'm, like, super reserved otherwise, lmao.

I'll start with a short answer again before I go into deeper detail, which is just to say: my experience with it has been rough. I, a queer man, grew up in a small, red town with a very traditional family, so... yeah. It was not fun.

Okay, longer answer now because when given the opportunity, I. will. yap.

I think I will start with masculinity here because I feel as though a lot of my experiences with mental health and issues with my body tie directly into my masculinity. I don't have problems with being a man, I love being a man, it's who I am, I just don't love some of the expectations of being a man on a grand societal and interpersonal level, y'know?

Masculinity, to me, was always presented as the thing you have to be or else. Or else my parents were disappointed; or else the other boys wouldn't like me; or else I felt bad about myself: or else there must be something wrong with me; or else I must be gay; or else.

I have older siblings, and my older brother was in Boy Scouts when we were kids. Both of my parents fucking love the outdoors. So, of course, they loved that. My dad, specifically, spent all his time doing Scouts shit with my brother or organizing similar activities just for them when not at work. (I had a traditional western family unit, my dad worked, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.) And while I do enjoy the outdoors and camping and hiking and all that, just in smaller doses, I never wanted to join Scouts. I nearly immediately attached myself to art, so I just didn't have the interest. I can't do art if I'm outside digging in dirt, fighting with sticks, practicing knots, doing target practice, and backpacking (or whatever else the boys in the troop were doing), can I? That meant, if I wanted to draw or do crafts or something creative, I was inside, and my mom was looking after me and my sister while my dad and brother were out.

That did not sit well with my dad. He wanted me outside, joining Boy Scouts and fixing cars, playing mechanics with my brother. I did not want to. He tried very hard to get me to be as interested in more stereotypically manly activities with him and my brother, and it didn't work.

I'm just more artistic. That was always a clear disappointment.

To add on, as I grew up, I was not physically traditionally masculine, either. I've cracked jokes here and there that I'm not too dissimilar to pre-serum Steve before. It's not far off. I'm about 5'6", a little taller, and skinny.

I grew up waiting desperately for puberty, waiting for my muscles and growth spurt and... it didn't happen. My voice dropped way deep (which meant it cracked wildly and super noticeably, and, of course, I got shit for it), and I enjoyed that. I never had a pressing issue with my dick, I mean, I would hazard a guess that anyone with a dick worries about size at some point just because that's something etched deep in social sexuality, but I had more pressing things to obsess over. Like, at first, when body hair started to kick in, I was psyched to see it, and then it kept coming and suddenly guys in the locker room were pointing it out and making fun of me for being a "little guy" with so much body hair. Puberty also did fuck my face up with acne which destroyed a lot of my self-esteem, too. I had to go on Accutane not once, not twice, but three times. I still have a robust routine to keep my skin clear (but it is clear these days and I'm still reeling thinking about it, it took someone telling me I had really nice skin for me to snap out of it and realize I wasn't still covered with acne, actually. And that was recent!).

I didn't have my pre- to post-serum sudden increase in height and muscle moment, so I continued to feel scrawny and weak. Having pectus excavatum, a birth defect where my sterum curves in instead of going down in a straight line, never helped, either--I got made fun of for that, of course. I remember a comment about how one guy in a locker room wasn't going to dare to hit me/slap me on the back because he would clearly just break me... yeah, that didn't help feeling like the odd one out, unmasculine, fragile, and unattractive.

My self-esteem is much better these days, I will gladly say, but I genuinely used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about what I looked like, never mind actually looking in the mirror. I felt horrible that I had to go out in public and subject people to looking at my face. I'm an avid journal-er, and I have old entries where I just go on and on and on and on about how I felt like a monster. Disgusting and hideous.

It doesn't matter that I know, objectively, that I have a fairly masculine and even an attractive face. My jaw is square, I can grow a beard, I have a deep voice, my eyes are green, I've been very lucky to have straight, white teeth without braces and all that. Plus, people seem to like my cheekbones and curly hair. My voice, too, people seem to enjoy my voice and my mouth. So, evidently, others seem to appreciate my face. So many people spread over so many years have no real reason to lie. I'm complimented. I've not had problems when it comes to dating and relationships or whatever. Yet still, it's just not what I see. I say I know objectively what I look like because I know facts about myself, but I...

I don't really know what I look like, if that makes sense? My reflection shifts a lot, over the years I have had a problem with every part of my face, every part of my body, and I know I can't trust what I see in the mirror. I fixate on things, and it consumes my viewing experience.

Part of the consequences of all... that... all those issues above have been my experience with eating disorders. I've had some fun [sarcastic] mix of orthorexia, binge eating disorder, and anorexia over most of my conscious life. From the moment I was aware of myself and my own body, I've had problems fueling my body. It's a cycle over years and years that's been going on since late elementary school (around 10, 11), where I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling weak and useless and not masculine, so I push myself too hard in the gym and kitchen--working out until I'm physcially ill, blacking out, blistering from running and lifting, I've torn a few things that way, while obsessing with healthy foods at the same time to the point that it's unhealthy. That happens for however long I can take it. Then, eventually, I break. And I get into a cycle of binging that destroys my ability to go to the gym, so it's just binging. Cycles of it, uncontrollable. That morphs into feeling too big and disgusted with myself in the opposite way that I started with, so my brain fixates on restricting. What goes up must come down, though, so with enough of that... then I feel too small again and, yeah. It starts over. 🙃

I have worked very hard to break it with the help of friends and a short lived experience with therapy (he was a terrible therapist, then my insurance stopped covering it, so I couldn't afford to go or find a new one), but I've--dare, I say--gotten into some kind of balance more recently.

To end on perhaps a hilariously on-theme note and something happier, what I have found is that sex helps. Therapy and supportive friends and good environment are obviously irreplaceable. But, sex is good, too. When I was in the thick of all that, younger with my mental health challenges way more out of control, I'm sure I was just getting away from the numbness and hurt--endorphins, oxytocin, y'know, all that.

Then, I'm sure it was added to by the fact that suddenly, with sex, women (I am queer but when I started fucking around, I only felt safe enough to be with women, I didn't think I could be out where I was, and now... that's just the way it's worked out. It happens to have been women) were enjoying me. Enjoying what I could give them. Complimenting me explicitly or implicitly. Saying I'm hot or, clearly, if we're having sex, I'm not so disgusting that you don't want to fuck me.

But, sex helps beyond those rudimentary things, too. Finding kinky people and sex-positive people has inadvertently led me to find body positive people and find examples of real bodies--people really actually enjoying themselves. Spending more time naked is beneficial, too, haha. Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate myself more. This is my body. It's the only one I have to live in, I may as well make peace with it. And I will take the pleasure that my body can give others. I appreciate that I can do that. I like making people feel good, I like having their faith put in me to make them feel good and treat them and their bodies well, like they're desired, or not 😏, depending on what they're into. I want to pull that pleasure out of them. I want to make them feel good, bad, whatever. I want them to feel in their body.

Did that answer the question, lmao? I just rambled 💀💀

[gomzdrawfr]

Hi Gomz! Been so inspired by your art, I'm considering picking up digital drawing again haha. What device and app do you use? What would you recommend if I wanna restart drawing? Would be great if you can answer with doodles :D thanks!

Hello Cumi! Thank you very much for this ask, to think I can inspire other people with my doodles means a lot to me <;3 ((def not cryin rn))

In this ask response, I'll include some links that you can check out for the appropriate stuff! I hope you can understand some things by the end of it :D

Disclaimer: im no professional, so most of this is just based on my experience!!

Okie dokie first off:

What device and app do I use?

I draw using a drawing pad, the Deco Mini7 on my laptop, and I use Krita to draw :3

Krita is free to use! You can download it here, or if you can afford it, clip studio paint is definitely a popular choice out there, some people use adobe too!

I will say it may seem complicated at first BUT it is relatively easy to learn once you get the hang of it, there have a full tutorial on their website with videos included if you wanna know more! digital art apps usually works the same way, once you get the fundamentals you can draw on any app tbh

Or if you do want to start using Krita, then you can send me another ask in the future and I'll share you my tips and tricks (which are honestly pretty scuff HAHA))

Other recommendation if you want to draw on phone/tablet/ipad!

2. I know you didnt ask this, but I wanted to share my experience starting out with digital painting/using the drawing pad for the first time

the thing about digital painting is that there's a lot of features here and they serve to make the process easier, but it can be quite overwhelming when you start off! examples are layers

drawing pad also means getting used to not looking at the pad and the screen at the same time + getting used to the pen, I had a hard time with it but the more I use it, the more i got used to it :D

funnily enough, I actually gotten this drawing pad bcuz I started using lecture notes online through pdf and such xD

3. What would you recommend if I want to restart drawing?

Not really sure what you mean about restarting, but Im assuming like finding a new artstyle or trying out different art medium is it? (like from traditional pencil doodle to stylus pen) but if you mean literally restarting then uhhhh XD I guess you gotto start drawing then haha?

I think my motto when it comes to drawing is that no matter what it is, just do it

"its gonna look bad" its okay bcuz at least I drew it, yk? xD the thing with art is the more you draw, the more you're familiar with it, the less intimidating it will become(tho it can still be scary, but hey! baby steps right?)

perhaps what I would recommend is testing out all kinds of artstyle, ask yourself:

what am I going to draw? ex: I wanna do self potraits! I wanna do silly doodles of my favourite characters!

what style do I wanna do? ex: Chibi, non-chibi, landscapes

Sometimes, you won't know those answers to those questions until later on, which is exciting dont you think? one day I said "im gonna draw Ghost in full gears" then the next I decided "actually nah screw that im gonna make Ghost cute" -w-

didchu know my first few digital doodles were done on OneNote? haha yes! and on my lecture notes nonetheless pfttt (this was around october 2022)

When in doubt, always ALWAYS start small and simple. Draw a circle, draw a blob, anything! Make it manageable :D

You can, of course, challenge yourself and go big! the most important key is you're drawing for yourself :3 and you should do something you're happy with!

well, sometimes there are moments where you wont like what you draw or artblock, when it comes to those time Id recommend taking a break xD

Finding your artstyle is an ever growing journey, I would suggest looking through websites like Artstation or Pinterest and collecting artstyle that you like! then learn from it, replicate it, trace it(AS LONG AS YOU DONT CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN AND YOU DO IT FOR PRACTICE PURPOSES!!!) and study it :3

like heck I just found a new artstyle yesterday literally HAHA so you know, enjoy the fun!

4. Other helpful links and video for starting out digital painting:

Marc Brunet, has a ton of tutorials that are useful! my fav one being this one about face drawing and cell shading

Bluebiscuits, very cute artstyle and the videos are always soothing and calming to watch! they did this video about finding your artstyle which I highly recommend! their face drawing tutorial is also really good :3

I also watch tppo occasionally, his video focuses more on how he study other people's artstyle and then implementing it on his own! If you like art studies you can give it a go, like this one!

practice, practice and practice! things like art takes a while to master and get happy with :) like i said, keep trying and dont forget, all of this is for fun!

have a good day! feel free to ask me anytime if you want if you want some clarification <3

[electricpurrs]

okay but for real i dont know what to DO about it but i think i have like real attention span problems.

like i literally just cant pay attention to anything, even things i want to do and want to pay attention to. i cant play videogames, watch shows or movies, read books, draw. nothing. i procrastinate extremely with starting anything, even these things i actively want to do i just cant bring myself to do them. and it stresses me out every second on how i SHOULD be doing them but i never do.

everytime i start doing something i just get distracted and stop. i stop paying attention to whats happening in the movie, i pause the game, i look at the words on the page without reading anything. even without outside distractions ill just lose myself in thought. i then just get bored extremely easily as my difficulty to pay attention just makes me get frustrated and uninterested and then i give up completely on doing what i was doing 30 minutes later.

but i am also decisively addicted to my phone. i will stop what im doing to check my phone for no reason and then get distracted scrolling. i may try to turn off my phone but i just get stressed or find other ways to get distracted and just give up and grab it again in the end. its effectively hard to draw because i need my phone to make digital art but ill just stop drawing to check other apps

i just dont know what to do!!! this literally sucks so bad and stops me from doing anything, both things i need to do and things i want to do. i feel horrible and stressed and bored and guilty all the time and i dont know how to fix this. im going insane

[the-official-account]

You cruise, you lose - a liveblog

OHHHH IRIS STARTED WAAAAY BACK

OH MY GOD THERE ARE MULTIPLE EPISODES OF THESE GUYS.

NEW BLORBOS???? I HAVENT EVEN STARTED YET BUT IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS

A DISGRACED FORMER POKITICIAN WITH DEEP REGREEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEH

WHERE IS THIS DRAWING OF HIM????? I NEED IT? OH MY GOD

what IS Kevin cats—HOUDINI?????

"he/him but he doesn't give a shit" is one of my favorite pronoun sets tbh

CAEDWYNS VOICE

The fucking jetskis. The fucking immediate joker. IRIS IS BAZED ON A FUCKING POODLE MOTH THOSE SRE SOME OF THE BEST TYPES OF MOTHS? we love people with an awkward past also.

AND HE JUST POKES THE TAR WITH HIS SWORD

What DOES asce look like...

ASCE IS FUCKING TWEEEEELVE????????

Oh shit I love him. I love him with my whole heart. What a fucking mess. I dont know what happening rn I just know it's fucking hilarious.

Okay but amorphous mound of tar is so gender.

Running ACROSS the tar?? 👀👀

"do you wanna do anything else on the ship?" "Just mourn. Regret." KKFFDSGJLJJFSSJKFDJ

ASCE HAS 3 AGILITY AND 4 PINACHE??? Holy fuck.

"caedwyn just sort of watches him go" the mental image is KILLING me

"and one last question, if there is a taragon, do they smell particularly fresh and herbal?"

"which wolf is funnier?" Is a question it is sooooo dangerous and yet I'm tempted to live by it.

ILA said "fire 😏 arms?" Jddkhdyk

"they're fine but the deck IS on fire" HDKDVSKDVDJ GOD.

Iris on a fucking rollercoaster rn CKSGSKSGSK YALL NEED TO STOP MAKING THE JOKES I MAKE

This eye thing is very cool.

"emerging from the bridge is a very tall man who also happens to be a skeleton with two legs"

"okay I am startled by this" HELP but also IGNACIO?????

I regret nothing about the order in which I've listened to this podcast I accidentally found the best way to do it

I ONLY JUST REALIZE WHY THE AORLD IS CALLED BICYCLE.

Instead of "we hid all the children" I heard "we hit all the children" and I got a good 3 second I was like damn???? Was that necessary????

"I would also accept presence persuasion" "OOOH uhh...no one respects me" GOD

I love that caedwyn is the party's "let's make MORE problems" pc

And tbh I might play space kings.......I've been looking for a system

HFODGDIHDN ASCE HAS BEEN ADOPTED

This episode has allllll the jokers

THE CHILDREN FUCKING VANISH?????

s.k.u.l.l.s......ANTI SUITS LMAOOO ITS THE SCIENCE KIDS AGAIN

Iris just nerding out with this child is SO funny

[Iris is 57]

ALBERTXANDER

Iris said "you're having an 'existential crisis' let me SHOW you existential crisis"

THE ABSOLUTE GYNAMISTICS HAPPENING IN MY MOUTH RN TO NOT CHOKE ON DINNER BECAUSE OF "I WOULD LIKE TO WHIP A FULL BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AT HIS HEAD"

Okay this is a meme and ik Alex is a child but at no Successes I immediately started imagining "I'm a fucking whore, you idiot"

ASCE IS ALLERGIC TO MAGIC???? BESTIE YOU ASS NEEDS SOME ZYRTEC

Asce is trying SO hard to stay twelve

CAEDWYN FUCKING HAYES CHILDREN IM FUCKING DEAD.

"if you see a wall, no you don't, you have a sword" NCKSGSKDVSK????

HOLY SHIT ELEVEN SUCCESSES????

This episode was ducking perfection. I don't regret doing the quiet year series first but fuck I still wish I got to it sooner it was so good

[12thbiologist]

ok hello! :3 pocketbook sized annihilation anon again! so Obviously there are . um some discrepancies between the book and the movie and i've been really fascinated to hear your ideas on how it couldve been adapted better! now i Cant promise anything But! i'm receiving a camera for my birthday and im thinking an Annihilation mini web series could be obtainable and Incredibly fun to do! so could i ask you for more ideas on how to translate the book to videos (and how to possibly do the affects of Area X on a well Much Smaller budget)

this is open to anyone who sees this ask and has ideas btw!! gonna keep a running list on ideas so any and all opinions on how to do this best are welcome! thank you!

- 🪢 (gonna claim an emoji for myself if thats alright! since i might become a regular around here :3)

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST ENABLED IN ME OKAY. i have soo many ideas and even if you dont end up making anything it is so fun to think about regardless

incredible news about area x effects: there are none!!!! or at least, there doesnt have to be. the movie makes the border really really showy and fancy and prism-looking, but its actually inaccurate for the book's version of area x: the border is completely invisible! it just looks like a regular patch of swampy florida wilderness but you take a step too far and you're swept up into area x/the border. area x looks almost entirely just like a normal wilderness, save for certain things or animals feeling just slightly Too human. so thats good for low budget!!

the hardest things to adapt in area x are definitely the crawler and the tower, probably, and theyre not in the movie at all. unless you know where a giant staircase covered in green glowing stuff is, thats gonna be tough. your best bet is prooobably to try and find an empty spiral stairwell thats dark-ish and somehow get ambient green lighting in there and put lettering on the walls if you can find somewhere that will let you. the crawler is basically impossible to adapt to film in any good way outside of some crazy impressive cgi, but if i was shooting an annihilation adaptation i wouldnt even try to! instead of trying to get the crawler right, just focus on the individuals seeing it and let the viewer's imagination do the rest. like the shot in the movie where lena is staring into the alien blob and the light is reflecting in her eyes. the brightness is also hard, but not necessary to adapt visually since it is (mostly) an internal feeling of brightness

as for how to adapt specifically annihilation, thats kind of dependent on how you want to format the story. found footage would be cool and also quite easy to do, plus theres actual found footage from the expeditions so theres precedent + reference for how video gets fucky in area x!!! if it's a bit more of a linear story/a direct adaptation of the book, i absolutely recommend using a lot of nature imagery + nature stuff in the photography and obscuring the people as much as possible- especially the biologist!!! not sure how viable this is for a small project, but using reoccurring visual motifs would also be cool (like associating the biologist with circular/spiraly stuff, the husband with birds, area x with tall shapes, etc.)

also i am So down to try and help with like, concept art or storyboards (??) for this because it sounds so fun and i want an excuse to draw cool southern reach compositions

[hazbean-hotel-imagines]

Okay okay, its been a while since I requested a matchup so sorry if i forget something! I dont mind both helluva and hazbin, i like both <3

Online I go by Dead or just D, I am not comfortable with my irl name and am still trying to figure it out

My pronouns are they/she, I'm still trying to find the right label for what I'm into though. I like everybody to sum it up tho!

I'm an INFP-t

I really like cats (I've got six), the colors blue and black, skeletons, cards/dice (i have some cool jewelry with card symbols n stuff) drawing, reading/writing and watching cartoons.

I've got diagnosed with ADD/ADHD though I'm more tired than hyper, but if you get me talking about something im interested in I could talk your ear off

I try really hard to be consious of how other people feel so I tend to back up if I can tell someone isn't enjoying the conversation/what we're doing. I also really try hard to include others in what I'm currently blabbing about by asking them questions 'cause I know what it's like to not have a say in a convo.

In terms of my appearence, I'm afab, and I'm sadly well endowed, it causes me some back issues. But on the bright side they make good pillows for friends!!

I've got short blonde hair that i dye black and i tend to wear loose clothes that are a few sizes too big. I usually tend to wear all black non gendered clothes (I'm goth) and if i feel like getting dolled up I'll wear a dress and accessories!

I need glasses cause my long distance sight is shit 💀💀💀

In terms of humor? I like making dirty jokes or dark jokes. Like, my fave dark joke is "my grandfather told me i was too reliant on technology. So i called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support"

But yeah!! Thanks for taking the time to read this <3

Matchup

I pair you with…

~ Hi Dead! Omg so I had these done two days ago, then I looked up what a charcuterie board was out of curiosity… bro it was completely finished, I didn’t save it as a draft, and lost my progress because I. Wanted to look. At pictures of charcuterie boards. Anyway I like charcuterie boards 🤭

~ Okay! So Blitzo was first that came to mind when I read about you. Firstly, y’all give off the extrovert adopts introvert trope. Except, it’s more like vague kidnapping than adopting. One meeting and you’re friends for life, no exceptions.

~ Blitzo’s favourite quality in a partner is someone who enjoys his sense of humour. This is a little bit because of his past in the circus. He not only loved that you understand and laugh at his jokes, but when you add on to them!

~He’s awful at communicating. The way you listen and genuinely show an effort in gaging his mood and engagement really means a lot to him, he notices. Blitzo works really well with someone who is patient and good at communication, because he’s lacking in that department, and you help him learn.

I pair you with…

~ This is another extrovert adopts introvert, but much less extreme. Asmodeus is interested in you, and he finds excuses and ways to see you again. If he notices the same interest is reciprocated, he’ll slowly integrate himself into your life and become a constant.

~ Loves listening to people talk. Will let you talk his ear off about your interests, and will never lose focus. Is completely invested from start to finish. Will literally sit there smiling with his heads in his hands kicking his feet.

~ Additionally, he digs that you’re so attentive in conversations. Asmodeus has a tendency to let himself become a listener when he’s in romantic relationships, mostly because he just genuinely enjoys listening to his partners speak and is such an invested listener. It’s a welcome change of pace that you’re constantly ensuring it’s a back and forth conversation, and how conscious you are of his feelings and attention. He reciprocates these efforts tenfold.

~ Super domestic. Will watch cartoons with you in a blanket pile on the couch for hours. Favourite thing is to make unique charcuterie boards and start a show together. This prompted me to go and look at pictures of fucking cheese last time.

~ Can be content with just admiring you while you draw.

~ Loves your sense of humour. Especially loves when he says something dirty to flirt, and you clap back with something super dark. It always catches him off guard, and it takes a lot to leave him speechless. He adores it.

I pair you with…

~ Loves your aesthetic.

~ “Omg I have a goth partner” type beat.

~ Unsure the trope of you guys meeting, but I had ideas for your relationship dynamic. Cherri uses you to recharge her social battery. After a long day, all she wants to do is come home to you and just rest. She’ll definitely text often throughout the day, but when she comes home she always beelines to the couch to make a next of pillows and blankets so you can watch cartoons together.

~ The ultimate cat sitter. Immediately once she hears you have cats she’s at your place. Is she with you for you or the cats? No one knows. It’s you. Don’t be surprised if you come home one day, and she’s just… there, with your cats.

~ If she finds cool jewelry that reminds her of you she’ll send you a selfie holding it next to her head, with a “?” text following to see if you want it. Sometimes it’ll be from cool little shops, but sometimes you can see the wreckage of a turf war in the background and you know she’s just looting people.

~ You both have the same sense of humour, it’s like you guys mesh so well. I imagine conversations between you go so well, you’re super excitable and somehow always find something to talk about. Every day is exciting.

Alternate pairing…

Charlie

[marsixm]

im gonna list things ive been doing lately to conceptualize to myself that my life is not empty or meaningless, feel free to ignore this post-

-i know work stuff shouldnt count but i have become very exceptionally skilled at different aspects of my job and not only do mostly all my coworkers like me and turn to me for help, but lots of customers recognize and like me too and i know its just a minimum wage grocery store job but im proud of myself for building so many skills -on a related note the relationships ive been able to build with some of my coworkers makes me very proud as someone who struggles with socializing as much as i do, and in the context of that being the thing ive been the most sad about lately, its nice that a good handful of my coworkers really like me as much as they do. and i know the main reasons things have been hard at home arent really My Fault as it were -being a figurehead in a truly wild work drama as it unfolds (okay sure this isnt me /doing/ something but it is /interesting/) -every day i try to wear fun little outfits and do fun little makeup things and i often get compliments and really love my style and its definitely off the wall and im very proud of it and am constantly adding to my repertoire -i got pretty damn good at fortnite. no further comment -i got back into sims again and im still pretty good at building -i listen to musicians i personally like and ive been poring through these two youtube true crime channels lately. and i fell off it again but i got back into playing card games besides solitaire on the computer for a bit. i /do/ have interests outside whatever the polycule is doing around me. i /am/ still my own person -adhd win: ive been keeping up with my planner for like 9 months now! leaving it open on my desk and not being too strict with myself with how quickly i write things in has helped a lot -its not even been a week so touch wood but im making it a goal to listen to an album once a week, watch a movie once a week, and if i can, read a book once a week (like, starting small like goosebumps level stuff) -on an average work day i frequently break 20k+ steps and average 17kish steps a day, and in my less active role im still averaging like 13k -i dont draw as much as i want to but i have been drawing more than i was when my depression and mental health were at their worst, again keeping sketchbooks on hand for easy access has helped a lot -ive been having more ideas for films/shows/whatever again lately -i got christmas gifts for lots of friends and family which was the first time i was able to and i got them for people who werent expecting it at all and it felt nice to do nice things for people i care about

i feel like i should list more things but i dont want to force myself to grasp at straws, my life isnt quite as full of things or going the way i want it to be, but its not empty and its not worthless and im trying to remind myself of that without trying to put aspirations in here. im looking at facts not wants. and im doing okay! i could be doing better but im doing okay

[aknosde]

hi!! im queso again, im going to send some stuff anout tpth if thats cool :)) - tag: "I promise this isn't as sad as it sounds" you lied to me - i like how you describe the different climates in the different months!! im usually not a fan of weather descriptions to start a story but they were interesting :) - the crushing hug!! gaghhh theyre so cute - i absolutely loved everything from the point they reach the jackson-blofis house to the end of the dancing scene.. i had read the sneak peek of sally and grover dancing and that was what got me hooked and waiting for this fic!! may draw that some time - i also remember the flip phone from the six sentence posts!! it's cool and cute despite the sadness of the situation - WOAGH THEIR FIGHT... THAT'S JUST. SO WELL DONE!!! THE WHOLE SCENE!! i think that is where i found annabeth and grover the most in-character in the whole fic and other than the dance it's my favourite part of it. hands down a great moment. i'd quote some lines but they'd take over this ask - the boxes!! THE RECEIPT. i fucking died. - i honestly thought i was the only person who also thought grover's mother had left. i thought i was the only person who thought about him being an orphan in the first place - the memory with percy.... the gughh EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT PART!!!!! - "Just this once, he thinks, I’ll be selfish." i am deceased i am laying down on your front door user aknosde - the receipt. is not inocuous at all. - SALLY GIVES HIM THE KEYS AND. UGH. I KNOW BABY. IT'S HARD BUT WE'LL BE ALRIGHT. DO YOU WANT ME DEAD - clarisse was a great choice for a character to play the role she plays in that point of the story i love clarisse and her and grover interacted very nicely - he cared enough to try and try again. fucking hell - ITS A CHANGE BUT ITS NOT A BAD ONE!!! YES!!! SHE'S GROWING AND LEARNING!!!! - the percy and grover scene is so sweet and kinda sad but sweet and nice and they really know eachother and they have that stupid tiny disagreement but it's resolved so quickly... preserve MY heart bc it's dying with me - THE PRINCESS DIARIES... THEYD DEFINITELY WATCH THOSE FILMS TOGETHER ALL THE TIME - love this fic ive been waitin for it since september or so and AGH,, thank you !!!

oh my god of course thats okay!! this is such an amazing ask im gonna answer it point by point but that'll take a while so it's under the cut!

i put that tag in bc i wanted ppl to know it wasnt all sad!! (also mb bc i cant tell w my own writing after looking at it for so long)

im glad you liked the descriptions, usually they aren't my thing but the passage of time was really important in this one so i wanted it to be apparent!

crushing hug!! my bsf is really good at cracking backs and has several ways to do it through hugs and i thought annabeth would too

im glad you liked that scene. it was inspired by the entire whats going on album and the song dancing with your ghost by sasha sloan and i ended up really liking it too. also it does some pretty heavy lifting by setting the "norm" so you can see how things change, esp vis-a-vis sally, which is signified by grover taking over for annabeth in leading their dance (also your art is so cool if you did that i’d never shut up abt it)

flip phones!! they'll be showing up in my aie fics

im glad you liked the fight and found it in character!!! i felt it was super necessary for the story but also it was so much fun to write!! i love to see them all get angry!!!

packing up your friends' bedroom can be such a personal thing

the fact that grovers lost all his family!!!! and no one ever talks about it!!!!! 😡😫🧍‍♂️

the memory!! also very important to the story but it was also a chance for me to show percy being emotionally intelligent and deeply kind which are things i love him for <3

i think grover deserves to be selfish!!

i love sally jackson so much and while i dont think she's perfect i think she is very deeply good and she cares abt percy and his friends so much!! (also shout out to aftg for making me think abt the significance of keys 24/7)

i love clarisse i love her friendship with percy i love how mean she is and how much she cares ❤️ (also like ik annabeth isn’t a bitch in the books but she is assholeish towards rachel in botl when she’s concerned abt percy and i wanted something similar in this. so the target was drew. along w like,,, everyone else)

i never stop thinking about how percy didnt have any friends until grover and how percy was the first kid that grover treated as an actual friend, not a charge

annabeth is growing and learning!! she has so much growth even between tlo and moa!! the fact that she becomes comfortable saying ily is sooooo important to me and i decided that it was partially bc of grover

i wanted the final scene to wrap up the facets of percy that grover points out through the rest of the story and it was also important to me that we see that things aren't perfect once he gets back and that he and grover have points of contention just like grover had with annabeth. but also they've known each other forever and dont sweat the small stuff. thats real friendship <333

princess diaries!! like i said, i def think there are parallels between percy and mia and whether or not he and his friends realize it at this point i think its one of the reasons he likes watching it

im so glad it was worth the wait!!!

[pedropenguin28]

Chapter 1 meeting Mr miller

Warning alcohol abuse drug Language 18+ no minor

" i woke up the sun was half blinding me my head was aching from the amount of boozers i was downing from the Bar with my old uni mates "and probably stoned out of my head "looking down in last night clothes" morning " ash my room mate walks in "wow cindella party hard last night yeah "well she has me a steaming hot black coffee "it was good ment up with so uni friends and party i know that she giggled "you need to get up lazy ass why isn't the summer holiday yet No you still have work

"Shit what time is it half 9 i am late yep well you better get a move on she left my room "_great i jumped out of bed how can i get the days confessed " running to my bathroom my feet hitting the cold tiles on the floor " turn the shower on the water was boiling hot not to hot that i burn my skin "i quickly washed my body and hair "trying to feel fresh face "once after the shower i quickly grabbed a pink towel off the heater "throwing it around my body " squirting my toothbrush "which most of the toothpaste was around the sink "brushing my teeth fast .

" i walked into my room grabbing another towel rubbing my hair dry "i was trying to find clean clothes from the pile on the floor "finally picking my creased and un ironed rolling stones tee shirt and skinny jeans "this will have to do "i quickly through my hair in a bun" and putting my sunglass on to block the sun out of my eyes

"I grabbed my bag throwing note box pens in it "grabbing phone my boyfriend jackson has text saying he made dinner plans for us which i can't wait "i opened my bedroom walking down the hallway "you look less died know shut up i put my middle finger to her "hey that not nice shut up " i grabbed my keys have a nice day yeah yeah "once "i left are apartment i walked down the flight of stairs to the parking loft." There she was rita "i know it stupid naming my yellow flowed beetle car "but we have many memories

"Opening the door all take way things fell out i didn't know how messy my car wash throwing my bag in the back " i had to wait for a bit until "my car started she is old the engine is shit "finally she work "i pressed play on my playlist run and rose blasting out "i sung my heart out

"While driving down the street turning left then right i was at my work "i park next to the green car " getting out and throwing my leather bag over my shoulder making my way in the building "it was quite until miss williams i turned around hi sandra the stuck up cow"how is my boss dont hi me your late i know stuck in traffic lair you been parting again so its got nothing to do with you " your a teacher who needs to set these kids as a role model i do "yeah tattoos and things "what is that so to mean "she press her glass you are on your last warning miss williams okay " anything else i smirk no that's all "what a moody cow " walking to my class open the door

"Walking in the noise in my classroom shh be quite "i took my bag off "we are excited for the summer holidays " well can you keep the noise down " yeah they smiled i handed out the. Text book out " we are learning the aplephbet" drawing the letters A B C D they shouted out good know anamils A ant well done "we carried on with english for the morning " the children where good my headache was okay " next i leaned them numbers." Shapes and counting until the lunch time bell rung right everyone put your pencil down and go for lunch " the all ran out "i ran my phone and went for lunch." Myself

" walking in the canteen it was noisy i lined up grabbing a quick sandwich elenour i heard my name " by the posh teachers " i rolled my eyes come and sit by us rupert with the tango tan

" and the open shirt with is wife Charlotte is at down eating my sandwich so what is everyone plan for the summer " well where going to south of france oh nice and the other teachers spoke about there summer i was next i am just chilling on a beach and with a book i lied yeah "so how your class good they have learn a lot today nice

"I nearly finished my dry ass sandwich which tased like cardboard " getting up i throw my sandwich in the bin walking back to my class " the children was already sitting down " paint and drawing time "i hand out paper and pens and paint to draw "while i mark there books "the afternoon was quit "i got through nearly all of the books "untilt the last bell of the day they all look up yes i know its home time " right pack up and you can go "they all packed there things up

" and one by one they left the classroom once they all left i tidy up the classroom "i can't believe i don't come back until after the summer holiday " i was nearly finished "grabbing my bag and phone i turn all the lights off and locked my door " my boss was somewhere which i cant be bothered with "so i made my exit at the back of the school hall ."walking to my car "i took my box of red super king cingreets "sliding one up "i lit it felt like my soul left my body "opening the car door

"I throw my bag in the back and turn the tunes up in my car cingreet in one hand driving wheel in the other pulling out of the school gates i feel free "on the open road again "i carried on singing all the way back to the apartment " parking my car in parking locket " throwing my cingreet away "and grabbing my bag "i head up the stairs " and unlocked the door " ash smiled how was your day i got a glass of wine "poured for you busy "i sat down placing my bag "yeah busy in the office " so are you exicdeed to see Jackson yeah "i checked my phone shit "i downed my wine what she look i did to get changed oh yeah "i quickly ran to room "stepping over mountain mountain of clothes

" picking my black dress which was very short "i applied make up and did my hair "until i heard the buzzed "ash yes is that Jackson yes "okay

I walked out you look.sexy she laugh " i walked to the door there he was dark brown hair a bit wavy brown eyes and tall ish "he smirk hey i smiled " he look what on earth are you wearing this "no what i looked confused he was in a jumper with a smart shirt underneath it "why you are not going to the restaurant dressed like that " fine i huffed walking back in my room "i decided to pick a long daisy dress walking out "that better " okay come on where going to be late "he was so pissed off " have fun you guys okay "walking down the stairs in was a frost mood "Jackson was annoyed" what he looks you okay sorry baby "i have had a stressful day

"Oh sorry no he look i am sorry for taking it out on you he held my hand and we drove to the restaurant by the way i really like that dress on you thanks "we arrived you booked my favourite Italian restaurant oh course he park the car "come on i opened the door " he held my hand we walked inside table for two Jackson stood " okay right this way "we walked to are table." It was beautiful over looking the street "we both sat down "meaue the waitress handed us them Jackson eye was wondering to her ass " so what is this for "i looked up can't i treat my girlfriend "hum sure ready for drinks.glass red wine i snapped and meatballs and pasta okay "Jackson stake and poatoe please and a beer

" okay so i looked i am waiting he held my hand you know the summer yes "where we are going to the beach and things "yeah that not.going to.happen why " i have to work ! You said where going to spend the summer together "yeah well we can what "my dad wants to meet you "huh your joking right "no but el he is set in his own way how "just is my drink arrived i just drank it fast "and when am i meeting him he look.more scared tomorrow "what tomorrow "where tennessee ? " you joking right no babe i am not

"So we leave tomorrow he looks what i am driving up there tonight so what about me your driving up there tomorrow great 9hrs and 5 to get there yes " finally are food arrived i wasn't

Hungry so Jackson paid for the bill i just want to go Back to the apartment still finally pulling up do you want me to walk you up stairs no thanks kissing him night see you tomorrow yeah "once he drove off "i walked up the stairs turning my key ash i shouted yeah in the loving room el" i walked in so how was your dinner date with Jackson okay i guess what she look confessed well summer plans have changed how she sip her wine i am meeting his dad really yeah " he working so i am going to his dad house " how are you feeling not great "i am sure it will be okay " we are leaving tomorrow i have to drive to Tennessee"wow that way yeah "well i suppose i have to start packing "ash laugh maybe his daddy hot "please grumpy you mean hum "i walked to my room grabbing my bag and sutie case " started throwing clothes in it " and grabbing my stash of weed under my mattress incase i am board "once i packed i got into bed

"The next morning was the day i finally meet Jackson. Dad "i got out of bed quickly.getting a shower "and playing my music "over thinking things has i do " until i finished with my shower

"Walking back in my room i grabbed demi shorts they where tiny shorts and vest top."which how a bit of my cleavage off " grabbing my.bag "and sutiwcase "ash smiled.you okay yeah i am going to.set off know.

Okay "have fun ok keep into touch i will hugging her "i walked down to my car throwing my.bags and.sutiecase in the back putting my playlist " i drove down the road hitting the motorway "it was hot and summy playing deep purple in this weather i was drumming my fingers on the wheel " popping chewing gum in my month " i kept driving until Jackson sent me a map to my phone to his dad house "i the rest of the day i kept driving it was a long ass drove until i reach it look like a old bark house "wow parking my car "i looked up it was big "Walking up the driveway Jackson was outsode with a older guy Which was salt and pepper his whispy salt and pepper ' grey curly hair "and very broad shoulders

With his "demi navy button shirt and baggy jeans " dad i looked up holy shit this is Jackson dad " jackson ran over hey you he kiss me" Jackson smiled "his hand look at me .

Which hugged his muscle highs and ass " he smirk yes I am joel darling " that strong tennionce accident " he wiped "his hands with a rag ", joel miller "his soft puppy cow brown eyes "I am elenour "Oh your Jackson girlfriend  yes nice to meet you "he pulls me in for a hug I inhale " his aftershave tabbaco and smoke and sweat yeah "my heart we as pounding i never known a man so strong and well manly.

come in Jackson smiled I am taking your bags "to my room "new bed he wiggled his eyebrow "not in front of your dad sorry baby " sorry Mr Miller it's joel darling "anway I can give you a house tour "hum I followed him "kitchen hand craft "this he was close "hum looking at him "you made this yeah "well me and my younger brother "that the annoying brother yeah "we are contracts brought this house and well rebuild it . he was still looking me up and down "i felt nervous . " oh yeah he smirked ' next room living room walking the lounge it had a big fire "this nice yeah I renovated this house "and that is the patio out there where I have my lemon tree " famous lemonade "yeah "you have lots of tatoos yeah ",ruin your body "not really a fan "well I like them " i snapped back he looked"

" and the other side is a barm " can I see sure he open the door "and walked out "hello boy a golden labour ran up to us who is this " joel smiled blue my dog hey boy he stroke him this little guy has been with me since Sarah moved " we walked until we got to the barm "goats you got yes and an mails yes but you will see then. " tommrow when you help me with the farm,"I help you, oh yes, you don't think I am letting you lazy around all day. I am an old man hum I see old man I laugh.

" okay I walked over joel smiled do you like horse el well my name is elenour "sorry elenour he whisped yes "yes come here ",we walked over the stable " wow a black horse who is this midnight isn't she beautiful yes "stroking her "and who this Chester really cutie Sarah named him wow . She'll always loved horse wow well I bet you are hungry sure am " I followed joel back into the horse " how was the house tour Jackson kiss me " good glad "pops I am hungry well I have made my famous pie "

We walked in el I heard my name walking in Sarah was sitting at the table wow you have grown up sure have how's uni good " will Andrew me joining us " Sarah smiled no he with his parents Andrew hey I laugh "Yeah my boyfriend nice " sure is ' we all tucked into the pie " I felt nervous I have not a good thing about eating infront of people " so what do you do for work " joel spoke "I am a pre school teacher you like it sure " I carried pushing the pie " he look confused " is everything okay yeah I smiled

" taking a slice wow this is nice good Jackson spoke babe " don't eat too much I want which made my anxiety worse joel didn't like the way Jackson was " Hey let the girl eat " she needs the strength to help me tomorrow he laugh yeah "after dinner "Jackson and Sarah went into the other room "hey joel walked up taking the plate from my hand thanks for what nothing " Eleanor your safe when your around me " I don't want you not eating okay " I want you to feel comfortable eating thanks " go one watch NFL I will be in a minute okay walking into living room, I sat down by Jackson he didn't even " know I was there I felt like ghost "we was watching sports joel " keep checking to see if I was okay " it was getting late Jackson stood babe I am going bed okay " you coming sure okay ' getting up night love lovebrids Sarah giggled " yeah night Mr miller joel looked up night both " I walked up the stairs " turning left I was in Jackson room " thanks for tonight yeah " I need sleep okay

" Jackson got changed for bed " I got changed turning the light off night sliding in bed to go to sleep " laying there I closed my eyes " joel was on my mind ?

The next morning, Jackson was up early morining he sat on the end of the bed morining I am going to work know okay see you later I kissed him " as he walked out of the room, " I pulled the covers over " for a while until my alam clock on my phone went off. I yanwed " streaching the whiff of cooked bacon filled the room "my stomach was growling" i got out of bed " going into Jackson bathroom "i fresh up "

"His bathroom doesn't work probably " i walked to the main bathroom "throwing my teeth shirt on the side " i had a wash probably and grabbing my grey tee shirt "it felt different "and smelt different "and a bit shorter i.shunk it in the wash "walking down the stairs to the kitchen the coldness of the floor fitting my souls "i walked into joel had his back toward me

"I walked in morning he turned around "joel you dirty dog the guy who looks like joel with black hair "whisled you didn't tell me you had a lady last night "joel looked confessed "what on earth are you on tommy " this stunning lady " you old stud Muffin " you still got it brother 'huh " so how much did he pay you "what " i mean your wearing his shirt right "i look down oh crap "i didn't realized"i mean if your eating a bacon rolls " brother your going to get fat shut up tommy "joel snapped " first he slammed the plate "i didn't pay for her "oh tommy bite into.his roll" she Jackson girlfriend " oh he looks el isn't yes " i am sorry its okay " she staying with us for the summer " joel i am sorry tommy studded

"I thought wrong she probably got my shirt mix up with mine didn't you "yes i have a grey tee shirt its okay "coffee sure and here is a spare roll thanks. Tommy smirked i am sorry again its okay "anyway he grumpy isn't he sure is "el sarah walked uncle tommy hello kido any plans

"Joel stood tucking into his roll boyfriend in town huh "tommy laugh my little niece all grown up "yeah well. I better me going okay "bbq and beers next weekend okay nice meeting you. " yeah i am sorry for my ass of a brother its okay really "i am getting changed okay "i head up.stairs throwing on leggings and t " vans walking down "i couldn't find joel until he was outside throwing blue his ball " i walked out el "yes i walked over to him " your cleaning out the goats okay " it smelt "i walked into "well get to work okay boss " joel.left me i started cleaning out the shed " putting fresh straw down " until a goat decided to.jump on my back

"Hey little one can you get off my back please i lift him off and carried on it was hot and sweating " i got them new food and things

" looking it was lunch time i heard the barn door open it was joel hey darling i made you a sandwich thanks " you done a good job "blue jumped up joel. Scowled blue he looked no you treat this lady nice okay "blue sat by me " i can help you with the sheep okay "joel smirk " sitting on the hay bale " so how long have you and Jackson been dating " a while.nice your nosey joel laugh i am just getting to know you

"Okay once we finished we headed over to the sheep pen "joel Called them over " so how long have you had this fram " when i moved in really "i cleaned up "you like it here sure do he smirk

" until blue decided to push me in the mudd blue i shouted joel laugh i am sorry pulling me up. You probably need to use the shower" be careful. With it okay " once the sheep pen cleaned i smelt mad "my hair my body "joel looked you can go in and a clean up okay " walking back to the house "i slipped my vans off leaving them outside and walking up stairs to my room "grabbing a towel walking to the main bathroom "right trying to figure out until i pulled the shower off water everywhere " i cussed " panicking" you okay no i heard joel "i have broke the shower i am sorry its okay el "am i alright to come in yes "joel open the door "i told you i am sorry "the water was soaking him "i can see his.muscle chest popping out his arms he was hot " his strong thighs balancing him while he kneeled down "he looks turn the tap off okay "he stood up " you okay yeah "he push his hair back slick Back " i am melting in a pool "should be okay know thanks " you welcome he left i locked the door stripping out of.my clothes

After the shower i put clean clothes on i had a few emails to reply back i haven't heard from Jackson all day which is weird " joel knocked you okay yeah " i was wondering would you like to watch the game with me sure "i walked down into the living room blue was curled up on the sofa by joel " who playing jets and jangers nice

" sure is have you cooked nah takeaway pizza has my son text you no " he probably working " until.my phone beeped its Jackson yeah he home later on " oh nice sarah at her boyfriends

"He said jaquie from office is having a party tomorrow me sarah and him are invited"i looked down "what wrong she is a flirt "oh really joel sat up yeah "she flirts with Jackson all the time "really yeah text here and there " and your upset

" because we don't even flirt "or time for each other "joel nodded so you feel he doesn't care for you "yeah beer sure "joel walked to the fridge here handing me a beer "pizza on its way

" how about you " what "joel sipped his beer any lady's oh no tommy keeps asking me to date and make a profile up okay "and you don't want to "joel took another sip " peeling the label off his bottle its not that " what if i get my heart broken " well it trail and error isn't "i am scared

"Everyone scared " he took another slip until are pizza arrived extra cheese pizza joel walked into the living room " yes " we had another beer " so

" joel was on the phone with tommy was on lound speaker tommy joel slurred you okay yes

" hi joel drunk no surprise there "anyway i was thinking of setting him a dating profile picture

Yes el please do it he needs a woman "no i don't yes you do "i smiled your all bulling me no we want you to be happy" okay joel smirk we will do this stupid thing okay "bye tommy i shouted bye

"I grabbed joel laptop pulling up single heart Tennessee local clicking on joel watch your really doing this yes "i clicked at sign up here

Application form here joel looked okay he took a sip of beer full name joel smiled okay its

Full name Joel peter miller

Age 50 so thinking

Describe yourself " ( i looked at joel tall muscle guy " with salt and pepper hair "very manly brown cow eyes and a kind heart single dad two grown up kids " and loving for someone

"Joel laugh you describe me like that yeah why i don't know " wait i waved him off you think i was going to put hot sexy dilf "joel laugh he had lush it his eyes am i "i was neverous maybe i smiled " you think i am hot no i keep typing profile picture "i choose one a horse " why el lady's like a soft guy and your a kind farm.

"We drank more this on swiping "joel laugh no she owns cats "this god No how about this one joel leaned over Tess Servopoulos huh Interesting "why she very pretty yeah her name Tess 51 same age joel " brown hair hazel eyes owns a local flower shop " she your type she is isn't she yeah " go on type her a mesage i will .

"I watch joel type his long fingers hitting the key board hi i am joel do you fancy a coffee or dinner "she that wasn't hard was it no "it was getting late i was yawning standing up i wobbled into joel hitting his chest looking up you okay darling yeah just tried okay "well night i smiled thanks for helping with my dating game its okay " well see you tomorrow miller night

"Walking into Jackson room i felt a feeling which i haven't felt before " i got changed for bed " pulling the cover and falling a sleep Jackson was coming in " he slide into bed you okay yeah " was my dad okay yeah good party tomorrow yewpy i feel back to sleep

" the next morning Jackson left for work " i got out of bed had a quick shower " putting fresh clothes on "sarah waited down stairs " you not seeing you boyfriend andrew no girl shopping trip " yeah party tonight yeah i forgot " well dig come on " okay joel was to busy talking to tommy " sarah drove us to down you got to look sexy for Jackson tonight yeah " we parked by the mall getting out i seen a dress red cocktail dress el that will look nice on you walking in the shop "sarah brought a green dress " so how uni yeah its okay last year then i am getting a house with andrew cutie " we carried on shopping " until are hands where full with bags

" the time was fast lunch sarah smiled lets got to this place we walked into a local place plants and home made food " so when are you and Jackson getting a place i don't know tucking into.my wrap " yeah hopefully soon yeah " the rest of the day we shop.more until we headed Back " because we need to.get ready for.the party "sarah driving back " pulling up. Joel was washing his van " climbing good shopping trip girls sure is we walked in " joel smiled nice time yeah "making me weak " once in the house i took my things upstairs . trying on my dress looking in the mirror "nice i smiled " taking it off

" i stayed in my room the rest of the afternoon watching films until its was 7oclock Jackson was home he walked in el "he smiled getting changed into his shirt and jeans "i put my dress on and make up you look gorgeous baby he kissed me holding my hand ready to go sure

"Jackson walked down the stairs come on baby Jackson smiled i walked down joel looked up

"I smiled at him the cab outside okay " have good night mr miller i will " i got in the Cab with sarah and Jackson we drove to this posh hall

"My nervous was bad we pulled up i climbed out it was posh Jackson smiled ready yes walking in linking arms everyone was dressed up there she was Jacquie the blonde big boobies barbie doll

She was all over Jackson like a rash " i grabbed the champagne off the tray el she turned around interesting dress yes "Jackson she pulled him come and meet the ceo "great i am left on my own drinking sarah smiled he will be back will he the night was going bad to.worse o drank.more " until i need the rest room.walking up stairs there wasn't a sight of Jackson and barbie i open the door to every room until.the last "my heart was in my mouth there she straggling my boyfriend on his knee kissing him

"I shut the door walking drunk sarah look you okay yeah yeah yeah have a good night i ran throw the crowed outside i was so drunk i fell cutting my knee my lip and my ankle was sore

"Hopping " i walked there was cab you okay no can you just drive me home sure horrible night

"I sobbed until i got back to joel house hopping i paid the taxi driver get seen to okay " i walked into.pain knocking on the door " please answer

" hey joel smiled Eleanor what happend i fell come in darling he held my hand you lip it bleeding " he lead me to the kitchen lets get you cleaned up " hum he sat me down walking over to the sink grabbing cotton wool pads

"What happened i got drunk i slurred Jackson was having sex with Jacqui at her party i walkwd out fell " joel smiled okay he dabs the cotton wool how stupid i am blind sided " listen you didn't know" my ankle joel looked its bruised and it looks twisted " he grabbed a ice pack " why do guys do that cheat "because we are assholes okay " yeah but i want a guy to cares for me respect me " you will i promise joel tucked my hair behind my ears " you are perfect elenour "i kept looking at him and his lips what

"Nothing come on elenour its me nothing " he smiled you will be okay " i looked at him again maybe i was drunk "so just him "joel smirk joel i whispered what "kiss me "huh i i i he studded i cant joel kiss me i said again "el you know its wrong so "he pulls me never to him pulling my chair close looking into my blood shoot eyes "he brought his mouth to mine kissing me.it was long and passionate tounges slipping his bead scratching the smell of him "he stops and fulls away i am sorry "i cant do this is wrong "come on you need sleep your drunk no."i pulled his shirt kissing him wait joel looked its wrong sh i kissed him more. El he pulled away this is the last thing you need is make a mistake okay go to bed know.fine i waked upstairs into Jackson room my ankle.hurting and my lip.stinging "i fell asleep Jackson didn't come on "it was the middle of the night sarah was asleep already "i walked down the stairs there was Joel drinking water at the fridge light was one " he looked up.el we can't tell anyone okay you kissed me *hum okay what he smirk " maybe i don't regert joel " you wanted to kiss me yes "why not i walked up.to.him your handsome and sexy we kissed joel picking me up placing me on the kitchen counter " where not having sex okay but this is are little secret okay?

[kusundei]

it is so awful. bad because i know exactly what im expecting and i dont like knowing that fact and it all is just made so much worse because what am i meant to do? in times like those i do what i know. the only thing i do know and that is to be quiet and take it.

its an awful realization but i know its true. everytime something like that will happen what do i do? i shut up. i wont talk back. fighting gets me no where. you sit there and you take it and in both contexts its genuinely sickening

i just am so tired and i dont like that. im sorry im not home monday through thursday and i venture off on friday/saturday just to come back late on sundays. i knew what was going to happen and i let it and i guess i cant complain truly because im coping with it better than i thought i would. the only way i know how to cope is through guilt. if i feel guilty then there is no doubt in my head and this was meant to be and thats okay. ive been eternally selfish and i am a coward whos clouded by delusion and afraid of their own judgement. it IS wrong that i wonder what ive done to deserve this - selfish pretending that i am a saint all the while ive known that i am wretched - that ive always known deep down

she gets so upset and i understand why she is and i have always understood but what makes ME upset is that she does not understand why i am. maybe that is my curse that i am bound to always understand others (though that acknowledgement i have never used for the greater good) and that others will never understand me. it doesnt help me. i know it doesnt but i cant exactly help emotional reactions and i know the sort of reaction it gained from you. a guilt though masked by another wave of anger and resentment because that is WHO you are. emotional intelligence is not your specialty and it is abundantly clear every single time

And yes maybe it is my fault. i am not home im not helping but if i vocalized all those reasons why what kind of response am i bound to get? would honesty get me anywhere or would it bury me further into a fate i am not going to escape? theres no certainty in my judgement and thats why i take the safer option. im not upset because of what you said im upset at the fundamentals of why. you said what ypu said. you make fun of me for crying and it all leads back to the reason i dont ever cry. you make me stand there and cry in front of you as you just stare at me and say absolutely nothing TILL you do. and what is that met with? more tears. how am i supposed to take that? “why are you crying?” and then an abundance of claims that all make me look worse and make you look better. so in times like those you answer your own questions. truly when was the last time ive cried in front of you and you havent made fun of me? i know you let me just sit there and cry because youre too guilty to send me away because you know im just going to cry by myself. but you dont do anything to help it , you do everything possible to make iy worse. whats the reasoning behind that? im sure you feel some sort of remorse and i know uou look at me that way because you feel guilty but i know its all becausw you dont understand. you dont take the time to understand me and i wonder if i am just that complicated for you not to get? im not upset by my condemnation im upset over the fact i cant cry in front of you. i cant be upset and i cant be honest and i cant say yes mom that did make me sad and why cant you help me? why cant you ever tell me that its okay and that you are sorry? i dont even need an ‘im sorry’ i just want something that proves to me that you care and that youre not the way i frame you to be. i try to hard over and over again to understand where you are coming from and where you draw your conclusions and i will try endlessly to never truly blame you but why is that impossible?

all of the realization IS what kills me. when was the last time youve comforted me? when qas the last time ive hugged you and told you i loved you and i meant it and when was the last time ive laughed with you and had a normal conversation? when was the last time ive walked away from you without feeling something negative? when was the last time ive gone home and said to myself i wish i was home? when was the last time ive said i missed my mom? its awful and why cant i have that with you? i try and i try and i do but is it really all me? is it not you too? and i think abt it alot when i am with ajax because why is his family so nice? why do i feel comfortable over there and why can all of them talk and be normal? why is the energy here so different?

i dont even care anymore abt it i truly dont i am just. so upset because of how you respond to everything. “do you want to move out? give me the papers and i’ll sign them if you want to be emancipated so bad” and its just a whole slur of leading questions and accusations. it makes me sick because i cant respond to you correctly and j dont want to feel like i want that. i dont WANT to be emancipated. i dont want to move out i dont want you leave you all and i dont want to go and i dont want you guys to think of me this way and i dont want to think of you all this way either but what? am? i? supposed? to? do? i am stuck in such an awful position and i hate it and i cant keep dealing with this because is it really me? do i need to try harder? there is no benefit in it but what is it that im doing wrong? the things you blame me for are all things out of my (and your) control. that wasnt me and as much as id blame you for it i dont want to say that was you. that was life and thats not something that can be changed and im sorry i dont like to be home and i prayed to god that i wish i did

[6loodlvstt]

Unfortunately I never heard of gul but I checked the plot and it’s interesting! I’ll definitely check it out when I have some free time. I don’t mind listening to summaries when I do other things. I enjoy to keep me busy reading/writing most of the time. Rn I’m trying to finish fear and hunger and I get angry every time I die lol. It’s so annoying but I love the vibes of that game. It was inspired by silent hill, berserk and amnesia. Sorry I info-dump a bit too much lol.

I’m glad you had a nice day! How was shopping? I also went out. Well I go out all days but I went to my fav bookstore and fetched a new book so I’m extra happy. And I love hades, I started it some weeks ago. Mythology is such an interesting world and I’m up for it.

I like to draw in my free time but it’s exhausting to work for game class projects. I can’t wait to finish off all this and focus on other projects. Piano is just a tool for be able to write lyrics in the future, or whatever I want. I get easily distracted when I play it but I’m confident that at some point my technique will improve.

The movie came out on February, from what I saw it wasn’t really popular but 100% recommended if you like 80s vibes. It’s an absurdist gothic horror..? Somewhere in the between. Heathers it’s a chef’s kiss. Probably one of my favs too. This reminded me of Little sister (2016), I seriously need watch it. It’s been on my watchlist since forever but I keep forgetting about it. I’m so forgetful.

Also sorry if I replied just now but at the end I decided to go to sleep at 3 am, my head was hurting -🩹

gul is super cool and not a lot of people actually know about it since it was basically lost media for a long long time

i dont sither! i normally play games while i listen yo things or while im working ill turn on some video essays and just listen to that while i work when music gets to be too much ^^

ough i heard fear and hunger was hard, rn im trying to beat dead space again and its not going well for me either lol

shopping was fine me and my mom just went and got groceries and that was it ^^ id love to go to a bookstore again theyre so fun to look around in

ive got like 300 hours in hades all together atp and its been a blast i love it very much and i could never get tired of it, plus greek mythologys always been a super big interest of mine! i love all of it so much and its so fascinating to learn

i used to draw a lot when i was in school since i always sucked at education, being dyslexic and autistic and having adhd really all just pilied and piled on to it so drawing was a giod escape and made me look like i was working on whatever they gave me, and if it wasnt on paper than id just play on my phone to pass the time, i also just used to read manga durong class if i couldnt be on my phone

violin and guitar and really. any. of the instruments i know how to play were for that reason to, i wanted to be a musician for a long long time till my grandmother decided to be a dick to me and i never played anything again :(

ooo it sounds interesting, i think when i have the time to sit and watch something ill check it out :D

its okay i just woke up and its like 11am rn

[relaxxattack]

hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

-

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

-

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

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CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.