#dont get me wrong i still love when im able to get reception on my art but its just

[ankhisms]

gobus rewatch ep 6 thoughts

ive mentioned many times before that i adore the way the mecha and mecha fights are set up in gobusters, theyre genuinely my favorite mecha set up in any sentai ive watched. i remember in the behind the making of the first ep video the fight choreo director talked about how he wanted each fight to be dynamic and to not be boring, which they honestly achieved really well. ill be honest im one of those toku fans who will zone out during the mecha fight portion of episodes (if the show has a mecha fight) but gobusters was never like that for me. similarly to wizard and blazar i always felt engaged in its fights and they were never boring to me, including the mecha fights. this is in part to the world building and the writing of the show, where the mecha have to undergo a lot of maintenance and we see those mecha workers regularly. the show takes pains to make sure we as the audience are aware that the fight could not be possible with just one person, it takes a whole large team of people working together to be able to fight.

with that in mind i also really love how the trio arent just able to form their combined mecha super easily, we see the three of them going through training simulations and theyve failed over 20 times according to nick. i love the little details in the pilot cockpit, the keypad and controls and codes they have to press in order to perform certain actions, along with them having to take their fuel usage into account. from a character and dynamic perspective, this is good early on because we get the sense that while hiromu has joined the team and hes getting to know youko & ryuuji and we see that theyre generally getting along, hiromu is still not entirely in sync with his teammates. hes frustrated and stubborn, hes gone through these simulations and training sequences with nick presumably hundreds of times before meeting up with the other two at the beginning of the show. he KNOWS hes capable, so whats going on? he did fine when he did it on his own.

i enjoyed ryuuji and hiromus dynamic in this episode. ryuuji, unsuprisingly, very easily slips into a brotherly mentor role to hiromu- but its clearly a different kind of mentorship than how ryuuji would approach guiding youko through something. this episode really highlights just how stubborn hiromu is, he focuses on something and doesnt give up until he solves it and isnt very receptive to being given advice on doing a task differently. and ryuuji, having spent so many years raising another stubborn and strong willed person (youko) is able to percieve this about hiromu and knows that he cant just flat out tell hiromu what hes doing wrong. hes got to be able to work it out himself. but he still is gently nudging hiromu towards the answer while supporting him. we get a sense early on in the episode that hiromu feels a bit tense about ryuuji calling off their training session, as if hes wondering if ryuuji thinks that hiromu just isnt capable enough- but thats not the case at all. ryuuji has probably seen youko get frustrated to the point of needing to walk away from something, and as the eldest of the team he decides to step in before either of the younger two get too frustrated or end up burnt out.

also a note. i dont plan on sacrificing myself for you. oh the early show late show forshadowing irony

the crux of the issue is that hiromu has been training all by himself for 13 years, whereas youko and ryuuji have always trained with each other. hiromu still believes he has to do everything by himself, and subconciously believes that he can only fully trust himself. because of this he hasnt been allowing ryuuji and youko to take the lead and do their parts while he stands back for a moment, he hasnt allowed himself to trust them enough for there to be a proper give and take in their team. and thats not because hiromu doesnt like youko and ryuuji, its just something that he hasnt thought of this entire time. when youve worked and trained alone for your entire life, its jarring to realize that you have people you can rely on and trust.

in the end its another sweet moment and good building of the team, they have to work hard to achieve their goal and they each have different strengths and weaknesses, and hiromu has to realize that he needs to trust his teammates just as they trust him in order for them to survive.

[justsomefluff]

Hey I saw your ateez reaction to the reader still using their baby blanket and was wondering if you could do one like that but instead the reader still sucks on their thumb when they sleep ( I still do that, it's kind of embarrassing lol but I cant sleep if I dont 😳🥺😗)

you're so cute aw I hope you like this <3

Hongjoong:

you're his baaabbbbyyyyy

adores you so much

and the first time you guys have a sleepover you're nervous about it

and you're worried you won't be able to fall asleep

of course you haven't told him yet bc you haven't needed to

but when youre in bed and all snuggled up together

you can feel yourself getting drowsy

you cant actually fall asleep because you just need that comfort yk

eventually he falls asleep and you're like FINALLY

plan to wake up before him to hide it

but you fail

you're too comfy cozy when you actually fall asleep

and when I say you could have slept forever right there? I mean it

so when Joong inevitably wakes up before you and sees your thumb in your mouth?

he uwus so hard he falls out of the bed

the thump wakes you up and you yank your thumb out of your mouth, embarrassed

you look down on him from the bed and ask if he’s okay

he just stares at you with so much love in his eyes

clutching his chest with his hands

“you- you're so cute”

Seonghwa:

Mama Hwa… ACTIVATE

I feel like seonghwa is the kind of boyfriend who likes being very upfront with things like insecurities and stuff

And by the time you guys start spending the night together, you know this

So you know you’re gonna have to tell him straight up

And when you do you’re super nervous and he gets worried

Like he doesn’t want to be the reason that you look so uncomfortable right now

Wants you to be able to talk about anything with him without fear of being judged

So encouraging and doesn’t push you to tell him anything

Wants you to come to him in your own time

Even though he’s drowning in worry and he wants to know so bad

“I need to suck my thumb to go to sleep please don’t think im weird I won’t do it here if you’re uncomfortable-“

“ITS OKAY”

Like oh… he’s cool with it

In bed that night, he just snuggles up right behind so that you can comfortable do your thing

As long as he gets to hold you? As long as youre comfortable and peaceful?

That’s all he needs

Yunho:

He honestly doesn’t care as long as it doesn’t get in the way of cuddling

When you tell him and you’re so nervous about it that you’re shaking

He just holds your hands and looks at you so fondly

The look in his eyes alone is enough to calm you down

He’ll lean down a little bit, kiss your forehead, and pull you in for a hug

Just kind of rocks you both back and forth

Stays with you until you’re able to process the information lol

Like…he’s really okay with it… Yunho best boy

Waits until you calm down a little bit

Reassures you the entire time

Just tells you how much he loves you and how perfect you are the entire time

When you find your voice again and ask him if he’s really okay with it?

He’ll lean down sweetly and whisper in your ear

“Yes, but if it gets in the way of cuddles?” 

“Im gonna be pissed”

But that makes you laugh a little bit and you promise him you would never let anything get in the way of his cuddles

“Promise?” 

“Promise”

Yeosang:

When you bring it up to Yeosang, he’s already half asleep

But you figured you should tell him anyway so that he isn’t surprised in the morning

Since he’s groggy and isnt really fully aware

Looks at you with big eyes and offers you his thumb

“MY THUMB NOT YOURS”

He looks a little relieved, no lie

But you have a good chuckle about it

“I’m just saying you could use mine if you needed it, I have two of them”

“So do I”

“Still…”

Either way he doesn’t care

He really would let you suck his thumb if you really wanted lmao

Just does not care

Just do what you gotta do to get to sleep

As long as it doesn’t interrupt his sleep? His snuggles? Does not matter

Makes you feel really comfortable

Because he doesn’t push you to give him a reason 

Doesn’t ask questions, just kind of accepts it as a part of you

Will fall asleep before you and you’re just kinda like

Sigh of relief

Happy with your absolutely perfect boyfriend who somehow manages to get even more perfect with every conversation you have

San:

San strikes me as one of the easiest people to talk to

Especially if you’re dating

Just makes you feel so safe and at home that you’re able talk about any topic you need to

Even if you’re nervous to bring something up, he makes it so easy to talk about

So when you tell him you want to talk about something

He’s so willing and receptive

Like yes, tell me everything and I will do whatever I can to help

Having this conversation might be a little bit more difficult for you if you’re really insecure and worried about what he will think about you afterwards

But he will just wait for you

Never pressures you for the sake of time or anything

Just wants to be there for you until you’re ready

Telling him goes extraordinarily well

He’s like “that’s not weird… I mean I sleep with Shiber the majority of the time. Its not really that much different. If it’s what you need, then I’m okay with it”

Happy, loving boy smile

You love that he is able to compare the things you do to make you feel more normal

Just so amazing at making you feel understood

In this house we are soft for Sannie

Mingi:

So you really wanna bring this up to him before you have your first sleepover

But if he senses that something is bothering you???

Worried boyfriend system: ON

He immediately assumes that he did something wrong

And when you assure him that it isn’t anything that he did?

He’s like WHO HURT YOU

And you’re like… I did? Lmao 

Like who hurt me? ME

And he assumes you’re injured 

Wrong again, my dear

He’s full sweating by the time you finally tell him what’s on you’re mind

And he takes the biggest breath

Like THANK GOD

He’s just happy its nothing he did lmao

Literally his response is “oh, ok whatever it’s cool”

And he just moves on from it, no need to dwell

It doesn’t change his opinion of you so? NEXT

Wooyoung:

Okay so you know Wooyoung is a ham okay

And thats why you’re worried

Like you know he would never hurt your feelings on purpose

But he might do it accidentally bc this is something that genuinely makes you insecure

So if he makes fun of it, it will hit you where it hurts, even if he doesn’t mean it

You tell him you need to talk… wrong way to start this conversation okay let me tell you

“ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME PLEASE NO”

“WOOYOUNG NO SHUT UP LET ME FINISH”

“Oh”

When you finally get the courage to blurt it out

He damn near laughs at you

Like “THATS IT?!”

“…I guess that’s it”

“As long as you arent breaking up with me”

like… “I was worried you would break up with me after I told you”

“No, dumb, never”

Gives you a hug and a kiss and spends your first sleepover giving snuggles and loving on you

Jongho:

Protective boyyyyyyy

Just wants the best for you, always

So open to talking about things

Also really perceptive

Know you’re worried before you do

“Do you need to talk? I’m here if you do”

Like he’s so loving im cry

Telling him is a breeze

He calms you down and offers conversation before you realize youre ready to tell him about this habit of yours

Will tease you a little

“Oh my literal baby”

“Shut up”

“Wait… is that more comforting than my cuddles wtf?”

And then you have to reassure him that his cuddles are the most comforting and you love them

And thats how he got you to forget about your worries

Because he made you have to comfort him

Jongho psychologist 

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Okay, so my ask was about fanfics where either John or Sherlock hallucinates and sees the other one after him (allegedly?) dying. As in, actually hallucinates, not mistakes a real one for a hallucination. Have you encountered anything like that?

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: hi! i hope you're doing fine! i feel really bad for asking, but i really suck at searching, and as i see everyone asking you, i wanted to see if you could help me, if you dont want to, its fine, i feel like im taking adventage of you... im searching for fics post TRF in which John hallucinates with Sherlock, or fics in which Sherlock comes back but John cannot believe it because he hallucinated with him ... im sorry again for bothering you! hope you have a nice day

Hi Lovelies!!

Ahhh, I don’t have a LOT that have this premise, so I’m just going to give you all of the fics I have tagged with hallucinations :) I do suggest “The Quiet Man”, which has this as the primary plot point (down below) and it’s a long one so I think that will best suit you requests, but DO check out all of the others on this list! <3

And as always, Lovelies, if you have something more to what my Nonnies are looking for, please suggest them!

HALLUCINATIONS

Hallucinations can't open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

Quite Contrary by Hollyesque (T, 1,805 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Sherlock Whump / After Mary Shot Sherlock, Hallucinations / Flashbacks / PTSD, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Lestrade POV, ) – A short one-shot, alternate scene to Greg's hospital visit in HLV. Instead of Sherlock disappearing, Greg is faced with an unexpected reaction to a hospitalized Sherlock and winds up figuring out something that he really would have rather not known.

Bitter Nights Turned Sweet by Hyliare (T, 4,076 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-Slash, Insomnia/Hallucinations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, POV Present Tense John Watson, Cuddling/Snuggling) – Sherlock has always had trouble sleeping; he hasn't always had someone in his life willing to help.

Between Asleep and Awake by katydidit (K, 4,309 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sick Fic, Post-TRF / Reunion) – John is sick. Incredibly, extremely, dangerously sick. Plagued by a high fever, he begins to hallucinate, start seeing things that aren't really there. Because they can't be there. Can they?

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w., 1 Ch. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w., 15 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock's death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he's hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn't stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty's web, BAMF-style.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980���s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series (possibly Imaginary Friend)

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (E, 157,369 w., 58 Ch. || Post-TRF, John First POV, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Present Tense, Imaginary Sherlock) – "Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?"

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

[vinniespeaks]

no one has ever taught me the dos and don’ts of socializing. when someone asks me “how are you?” i generally respond with how i honestly feel and it takes a bit to realize that they weren’t expecting such a negative and/or long answer. i dont know how to start a conversation. i sit there in my phone while kids around me are able to talk and goof around, and i just dont know when i can jump in. i thought i was good at reading tone but im not. if im recieving praise or being scolded i dont know how to act. when my mom used to ask “what are you doing?” in that scolding tone i would literally tell her what i’m doing. when people are joking or being sarcastic i have to ask if they’re being serious or not and then they yell at me for not seeing how obvious of a joke or sarcastic statement it was. i thought i was empathetic but im not, either. when i hear on the news that someone died in a car accident or a famous couple divorced i just. shrug at it. and i dont know if thats just from being used to tragedies like that or just actually being low empathy.

i used to be a really sociable kid too. i would insert myself in other’s conversations, talk about myself, and i didnt know what personal space was. my mom has told me stories of being at wedding receptions and finding me at a random family that they’ve never met’s table, talking with them. as i grew older i withdrew a lot more knowing that im different from the other kids, and i was often left out of groups or told im annoying.

i preferred to do all my activities by myself, and would straight up ask my teacher if it was possible for me to do a group project by myself. sometimes they’d give in, other times not. i would often not even take that much part in the group project because i couldnt do it the way i planned to. group projects were bearable with kids i was well acquainted with, though i still preferred being alone.

i never really had a best friend either. for the first few years of elementary i was just getting to know everyone, and attached to 2 of these other girls, but i had always wanted to be friends with the boys. soon i just drifted away from everyone, because i knew they all thought i was weird. then in the last two years of middle school i had a somewhat of a solid friend group. we talked frequently at school, picked each other for projects, etc,. yet we had little to nothing in common. i really enjoyed fantasy world or action/adventure books like harry potter and percy jackson, and i loved video games and space. sometimes in group projects one of them wouldnt pick me but someone else, and suddenly i was lost. i didnt know who else to go with. so then i was stuck with some other kid who definitely didnt want to be with me either.

it shouldve been clear to my mom that something was either wrong with me or wrong with my school, because i remember the countless times i cried in her arms begging her to take me out of the school and put me in a public school, where maybe, just maybe, i could meet someone who’s just like me, who has similar interests as me, who was always seen as an outcast like me, who i could see as a best friend.

im told i should be lucky that i got a private education. that i should be grateful my family sent me there instead of public. but everyday i really regret it, and i wish my mom listened to me when i did.

public school isnt any better, but my private school was outrageously homophobic, ableist, any bigotry in the book. my teacher asked me once what i did after school each dat. i told her that after school i liked to take a break, because school is really tiring for me. she said i should do my work as soon as i get home.

no one thought that my immense piles of late work was maybe a sign of neurodivergency. i was yelled at for it, made to feel embarrassed, because i was “lazy” and i didnt care for my teachers, and stuff like that. i was withdrawn of the joys my other classmates could enjoy while i was crumbling under piles of worksheets. i had to stay in from lunch and gym time everyday in eighth grade because of my work. when everyone else who had their work done could be out of uniform, i was still in uniform, and i wasnt allowed to be out until i had all my work done. it was like wearing a badge of guilt. that i was telling everyone i was lazy, or stupid, or messy, and it was embarrassing.

[lesbianbernardsumner]

Hey! Its thing >:)!

Its the thing i was teasing at in that post last night, and technically for like... four months? five? huh its been a bit since i second changed my url huh. Im not gonna go check or anything. If I were a bit more patient i wouldve waited for the archive collection become canon but im not. funfacterdroid is just more of my bran! Anyway! This post is my first impressions and opinions on each song on Back to the Egg! The Wings album i temporarily renamed myself after. (told ya i was gonna ramble wasnt i ydbfyufjd). It also happens to be the only wings album i havent listened to yet. And sure theres a bunch of singles and b-sides i havent listened to either, but this is the last one! I figured it should get some of its own treatment! I know that its gonna sound different to London Town and the two before it, cause McCulloch and English arent here. I’ve also heard that this album is bad and people called Paul a sellout because he transitioned to New Wave. New Wave is my favorite genre and I guess Wings werent ever that far from it? But they’re still a rock band at heart so i dont know how that change is going to fare. Enough introduction: Lets just go track by track! -Side One: Sunny Side Up-

Reception: Its just some radio garble, an instrumental meant to introduce the album. dont really have any opinions on it. Getting Closer: JAHBUDHSAUHJDHS WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! I didnt expect such a threatening title to be so upbeat. Like... opposite of Beware My Love. I do think its odd that there is barely any backup singing? Its not horrible just weird that this song, out of all the openers, doesnt. That outro is very much meant to be like a darker part of the song, like the dream sequence from A Day In The Life, but god dammit this song is just so upbeat! so weirdly cheerful and gentle! And... only 3 minutes? Rockshow and Jet were 4... eh those albums had a lot less songs, this one has 13 not counting Reception! Same as London Town, which i also really like! We’re Open Tonight: Oooohhh!! Very soft, I think I know what its about but when taken literally, to me it sounds like a quaint little shop trying to lure you in, sinisterly. I think the bass is making it sound evil to me, but thats a great thing! Clearly its trying to be like another I’m Carrying but that song fucking sucks!!!!!! I also really like how its only 1 minute, something so haunting about it. Not sure if thats positive or negative but the songs cool! Spin It On: hHEHEYEHY!! Getting Closer.... 2! kinda. Its much much faster and i can barely understand the words hes saying... or what hes spinning. The backing vocals are really cool though. the lyrics mention a pinball table? Y.. you know pinball doesn't spin right? it falls.... Questionable lyrics aside, theres really not a lot of SPEEDY Wings songs! Glad that one of the few is also extremely good!

Again and Again and Again: WOW OKAY! this is sung by denny, all of these songs start pretty fast unlike a good chunk of their past work, but i really like that! But it also means i cannot process a single thing denny is saying, i think he said something about a school? and being in a bad situation? ah whatever. Denny used to be in an R&B band and i really think thats going to work here! This isnt an exactly a Rhythm-y or Bluesey song, but He’s clearly having fun! thats why i love wings in general, its easy to tell that the band was having fun recording a song! Old Siam, Sir: A-hmm. Paul’s doing his squeaky voice again... I guess that can work sometimes but its absolutely not complimenting the piano in the background. Also, I feel like a squeaky voice wouldnt work the best for a story song. A story thats pretty incomprehensible too? Who is this lady! What the fuck is this village!! This is the song you wanted to make 4 minutes? and it fades out too... how much did they record... Arrow Through Me: So this is the one that the critics liked? Its the most synth heavy which i understand why people like, I like synths too! I like how the bass (which i think is also from a synth?) lines up perfectly with the horns! Its alright, it might grow on me later, but now its just a passable song. One i wouldnt skip. Plus I really like the reverb effects, the whole album has em but this one really makes use!! Kinda bad overall though.

-Side Two: Over Easy- Rockestra Theme: Just an instrumental. But one thats really important to music history! I don’t actually know the full story to this one, but I do know that i really like it! Plus the vocal effects on Paul’s... Scatting i guess you could call it? Whatever it is, it works! To You: This sounds... eerily like Getting Closer. But bad... Eh I like that organ. Not much to say really... theres only like one verse. After the Ball / Million Miles: Oh cool another medley. Last one we got was two albums ago! I guess since this is technically two songs id have to... review them both? After the Ball is exactly what it sounds like. A gentle rock song about seeing your love after a party :)! Pretty standard for wings. Million Miles! Sounds a lot like After the Ball but with an accordian? Fuck I’m not complaining. But also who the fuck is Deo. Winter Rose / Love Awake: Uh- Something is,,, wrong with Paul’s voice. like he damaged it? I mean its not horrible it just kinda takes me out of the emersion? Oh we’re already on Love Awake! his voice is fine now..! Man this song is mediocre! No wonder the 70s are regarded as lame./lh Weird that Linda isn’t singing backup here? Or if she is that Denny’s voice is just drowning her out. Winter Rose itself is kinda lame but its... sweeter I guess?  The Broadcast: SINISTER!!!!!!! I do not know who is talking but this sounds... dystopian. I don’t even know what the poem is about its just... the whole song is slightly off. But i mean that in a good way! So Glad to See You Here: MAN! They were trying so hard to be punk... Okay as a punk song this sounds horrible! But as a song in general i like it! It’s not mixed the best but i really like the lyrics! And I-HOLY SHIT WE’RE OPEN TONIGHT PART TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really didnt expect that,,, thats.... genuinely cool! Baby’s Request: Oh the finale! H..huh... Jazzy! And its about going to sleep.. i think? Regardless, Paul’s good at writing songs to fall asleep to, this isnt an exception at all!! Although it is weird that at the end the same horn plays as the one in Thrillington’s Monkberry Moon Delight... Its probably just a coincidence, i thought it was funny though. ---- Okay! Overall, I liked Sunny Side-Up more as a whole since i like 4/6 of its songs, but MAN So Glad to See You Here and Baby’s Request are REALLLY GOOD-But then again. I only listened to all of these songs once, and i wont listen to them again until ive finished writing this post, just to keep my first impressions fresh. I don’t really know what else to say that album was fun as hell! So I’d give Back To The Egg a... 7.8/10! I really didnt expect to like it this much. even though New Wave is my favorite music genre, i didnt think paul would be able to do it justice! Especially since the genre was just starting itself up... heh.... hope it gets archived soon.

[theblasianbarbie]

i lowkey miss that job bc the kids really were funny and i liked beign able to teach them stuff and get them excited but i also dont miss it bc like a lot of my colleagues and even bosses didnt really care and it showed and like also the work environment was weird and like tons of microaggressions and the hours sucked bc i didnt get enough and i was barely making money but i think i do wanna teach or at least be a professor at some point in my life bc i really think its only fair to be generous with your knowledge bc not everyone has the privilege to access the same resources u do and thats always been a goal of mine--to reach a point of financial success to provide like some sort of resource for artists in k-12 to really hone their craft in a way i didnt ave access to bc i grew up stupid dirt poor. like again teaching the kids i taught this summer was cool but they all came from wealthy families and the program wasn’t cheap so like..i remember wishing i could go to things like that and knowing i wouldnt be able to bc of how little my family has so like i really wanna be able to like put some money into where im from and also in NYC to reaaaaaally help kids get that experience and learn and fall in love with their art and how to make it

also the wrong ppl be teachers like i hate how they dont think about their job seriously enough like ur responsible for tending to the minds of our planets future. kids are SO receptive like...and impressionable when u think ur not teaching their still watching you and learning. teach kindness, teach generosity and empathy that is more than just surface level. i hate how i can only think of one teacher in my whole life who taught me those things without realizing it to the extent that he did. liek i learned to be kind and gentle and generous with my knowledge, i learned to be patient with learning about everything, etc.

[camillemontespan]

only for a moment [drake walker x mc]

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (her name is Camille in my choices game so she is called that in this short). 

Sypnosis: Drake is sitting alone in the ballroom watching Camille. After a conversation with Olivia, he finds himself alone with Camille and shots of whiskey. Things get emotional and... heated. 

Drake sat in the back of the room, closest to the door so he could make a quick escape. That had been his plan to begin with. He hated these events and yet, whenever she was in the room, he felt as if he was glued to his chair. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t help himself. Somehow, his eyes kept finding her amongst the hundreds of guests currently in the ballroom. 

Camille was sat at a table near the front with Hana and Maxwell. From what Drake could see, Maxwell had made a joke which caused Hana to spit out her drink and as a result, Camille threw her head back and let out a throaty laugh that could be heard from around the room. Some of the nobles tittered and shook their heads. Drake rolled his eyes - let her laugh. Nobody else in court did. It was one of the things he loved about her. Drake sighed. He didn’t love her. He had to get that word out of his head.  Sighing, he brought the glass of whiskey he was nursing to his lips and took a long sip.  ‘Of course you are sat in the back,’ a voice said from above him. Looking up, he saw Olivia Nevrakis standing at his table. He groaned. ‘Olivia. To what do I owe the pleasure?’ She let out a hollow laugh and sat down on the chair beside him, a glass of champagne in her hand. ‘Ouch, a  thorny reception.’ Drake rolled his eyes and took another sip of whiskey.  ‘You are so obvious,’ Olivia said.  ‘Obvious about what?’ She ran a long finger along her champagne glass. ‘Her,’ she answered, tossing her head in Camille’s direction. Drake’s jaw clenched and he stared straight ahead. ‘Don’t know what you’re talking about.’  Olivia smiled like the Cheshire cat and reclined back in her chair, crossing her legs. ‘Camille has been here a month and your eyes  have been following her when she’s not looking. How cliche, the guy who is in love with his best friend’s girl-’ ‘She’s not his yet,’ Drake ground out. ‘The competition is still going. You’re still in the running to be Queen.’  ‘Ha!’ This time Olivia’s laugh was genuine.  ‘I may still be competing but I think we both know that Liam isn’t going to pick me. Liam loves Camille, you love Camille, everyone loves Camille but who does she love? Nobody dares to ask her that, do they?’ Drake’s eyes met Olivia’s. ‘What are you saying?’ She rolled her eyes and took a sip of champagne. ‘God, you’re dense. I’m saying that even though she is in the running, it’s clear that her heart may not exactly be in it. I know you both spend time together.’ ‘How do you know that?’ ‘I have my sources,’ she replied. ‘I like to think I had a hand in it.’ Drake frowned. ‘Excuse me?’ ‘That time at my lodge... in the snow... when I started antagonising you about your sister? You stormed out and she went after you?’ He stared at her. ‘You made sure she went after me?’ Olivia groaned. ‘You are so, so dense. I antagonised you for fun, though I was being serious, but I could see how much Camille kept looking at you when we were all together. Soooo... why not push you both together? I knew she wouldn’t be able to stand it while you ran away upset. Of course the two commoners feel an affinity for each other. I just needed a way to get her closer to you. Make her see there are other options out there that are not Liam. Quite clever, I say.’ Drake shook his head. ‘Or just twisted.’ Olivia shrugged, not caring. ‘You can’t say it didn’t work. You were both out there for a while. What were you doing? Cuddled up on the snow watching the stars?’ Drake’s face flamed.  ‘Oh. My. God,’ she stared at him, her mouth agape. ‘It was romantic! Oh Drake, you’re my new favourite person. Keep this going and Liam will be mine!’ Drake slammed his whiskey glass on the table.  He was aware that people who were in earshot were looking over but he didn’t care. ‘Don’t be so selfish, Olivia. Camille needs Liam, he can offer her so much and she would make a much better Queen than you!’  She glared at him. ‘But you would have her, I don’t see the problem.’ He sighed. ‘I have nothing to offer Camille. I wouldn’t want her to be shackled to me. All I’m good for is knowing where all the good dive bars are.’  He said this with such venom that Olivia drew back, her eyebrows raised. ‘Drake, I didn’t know-’ ‘Drake?’ Drake and Olivia looked up to find Camille at their table. Drake’s face paled. ‘Montespan! Uh.. what are you doing over here?’ She smiled warmly. ‘Checking to see if you wanted to join me for some shots at the bar?’ Olivia stood up, smoothing down her red dress. ‘That sounds disgusting so I’m going to help myself to more champagne.’ She walked away. ‘Well, Drake?’ Camille asked. He cleared his throat.. ‘Sure, let’s do shots.’ She grinned and slid her arm through his. 

The bar was outside in the empty courtyard and when they descended the steps, the cold air hit them. Drake noticed her bare arms were covered in goosebumps. ‘Hey, Montespan,’ he said. ‘Take my jacket.’ He shrugged off his suit jacket and placed it over her shoulders. She wrapped it tight around her and shot him a grateful smile. ‘Thanks, Drake.’ They sat down on the bar stools and ordered two shots of whiskey each. ‘And one more of good luck!’ Camille said to the barman who poured them another shot each.  ‘Three huh?’ Drake asked. ‘You trying to get drunk?’ She winked. ‘Maybe I’m trying to get you drunk.’ He let out a chuckle and raised his glass. ‘To good luck,’ he toasted. Camille grinned and clinked her glass against his. He watched her as she settled into the stool and looked around the courtyard. Her hands were placed inside his jacket pockets, keeping warm. ‘You’re watching me, Drake,’ she suddenly said, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Drake looked down at the ground before looking at her again. ‘Can’t help it.’ She blushed. He took a swig of his next shot. ‘Come on, Montespan. Keep up with me.’  Camille giggled and took her next shot. She closed her eyes as the whiskey warmed her chest. ‘This is nice.’  ‘Yeah, it’s good whiskey,’ Drake replied.  ‘I meant this. Your company. It’s nice. I like our times together.’ ‘How so?’ Drake took his next shot out of nervousness. Whenever she got talking about how nice it was to hang out, he wanted to tell her how much he liked it too. How it was the one thing that helped him get through these courtly events. He was always nervous he would say too much.  Camille bit her lip. ‘I mean, court is nice and all but it feels too much sometimes. I always worry I’m going to say the wrong thing or choose the wrong fork- why are there so many forks, Drake?!’ She said this last part as she laughed and Drake laughed with her. ‘No idea, Montespan.’ ‘Just being out here with you... it’s more relaxed. I can be the real Camille, the Camille from New York. I don’t have to watch what I say or do when I’m with you... you just help me be myself.’ She had her last shot and Drake noticed her hand was shaking. ‘Camille, are you okay?’ She nodded but tears had sprung up in her eyes. ‘What if I don’t want this life? This life where I could be Queen? What if I just want a life where I can have shots and relax and be myself and be with who I want-’ She stopped, clenching her glass. Drake moved closer to her and took the glass away from her. Her hand caught his and held on.  ‘Camille, are you okay?’  She looked at him and smiled weakly. ‘Sorry Drake. Maybe three is my limit.’ Their gazes stayed locked on each other. ‘We should get you to bed then, you can sleep it off,’ Drake murmured.  ‘What if I don’t want to sleep?’ ‘It will help you get over the whiskey,’ he said, his eyes studying her, taking her in. She sighed and climbed down from her stool. Drake led her back into the palace to her room.  They reached her door and Camille took his suit jacket off her shoulders and gave it to him. ‘Thank you for keeping me warm,’ she said softly.  He smiled. ‘It was nothing.’ Again, their eyes were locked on each other. Camille moved to open the door and before he could stop himself, Drake grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. Their lips collided and Drake felt her heart hammering against his chest. She tasted of whiskey and her hair smelled of coconut shampoo.  Her hands gripped his shoulders and before he could tell her this was a bad idea, she pulled him into the room with her. When he pushed her up against the wardrobe and picked her up so her legs wrapped around his waist, he no longer cared. For this, he would give up everything.  He would steal any moment he could just to taste her and feel her and pretend she was his, if only for a moment. 

[spn-rewrites]

01x12 (part 1)

Season One Episode Twelve: Faith

A/N: Alright, a quick note. my computer is effed up. The updates may start to slow down unfortunately until I can figure out how to fix this mess but they’ll still come, I promise. I love hearing from you guys, so please keep the feedback coming! Let me know of any ideas you guys have for future episodes, storylines, ect and as always, please REBLOG if you enjoyed. 

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: a hunt gone wrong, hospital beds, and another call to John.

`“What do you have those amped up to?” Sam asked as Dean rummaged through his trunk for the taser guns.

“100,000 volts,” Dean grinned, handing one to you and Sam and taking one for himself.

“Damn,” you commented, moving it around in your hands. You were careful with your

inspections and Dean filled his backpack up with any extra supplies you may need but truly, this was the one and only thing that could actually kill this thing.

“Yeah, I want this rawhead extra freakin’ crispy,” Dean mumbled and then looked at you, pointing the butt of his taser gun at you and dancing it between you and Sam. He was really only talking to you and you knew that. “Remember, you’ve only got one shot with these things, so you better make it count.”

“Yeah, I remember,” you mumbled with a little attitude laced in your voice at his reminder. You accidentally fire one of these prematurely once and you’ll never live it down. Dean closed the trunk to the Impala and you snuck your way into the old, creaky, house. It seemed to be abandoned for the most part, the floors hardly kept up with, garbage everywhere. You made your way to the basement, guns pointed and flashlights ready.

It was quiet until it wasn’t and there was a bang coming from one of the walls. All three of your flashlights instantly went to the noise and you crept closer to it. On the count of three, Dean pulled open the little door that you assumed led to a little crawlspace. You jumped when he opened it but relief flooded you when you saw it was two little kids.

One boy and one girl, shaking with their knees pulled to their chest. “Is it still here?” Sam asked, loosely looking over them for any obvious injuries. The boy nodded to his question and you gestured for them to stand up and get out of the crawlspace.

“Grab your sister’s hand. We’re gonna get you out of here,” Dean said. You put your hand on their backs, carefully walking them over to the stairs with Sam and Dean guarding your back. You and the kids made it to the landing but Sam’s groan was too loud in your ear and then there was a thud and some screaming and Sam tumbled down the stairs. “SAM!” You and Dean both called out for him. Dean shot his taser gun in the direction that he must have seen this thing but he missed.

Sam quickly got up and ran back up the stairs to you, tossing his taser gun at Dean. “Take this!” He ordered. Dean caught it easily, nodding towards you and his brother before you disappeared behind the corner and ran out of the house. Sam told you to stay put, guarding the entrance to the house while he secured the girls in the car.

You couldn’t hear much coming from the basement but you were anxiously waiting. Dean could handle himself was the mantra that you repeated over and over again while your leg shook in anticipation. “I’m gonna go back down there!” You called for Sam. He didn’t say anything, just waved a hand at you to give you the go ahead and you whipped around, running back down the stairs trying not to make too much noise but the second you saw Dean lying in the corner of the basement, unconscious, you ran.

You could feel a pulse on your fingertips but you didn’t know if it was his or just yours from your heart beating so quickly. He wouldn’t wake up, no matter how much you tried to shake him awake or slap his cheeks or begged him to. You knew you couldn’t carry him up the stairs alone and it felt like an eternity, you sitting there, checking for pulses on his neck and his wrists while crying out for Sam until he eventually showed up. He ran to your side, doing all the same steps that you just did until he grabbed him and helped you carry him to the car.

Getting the kids to safety was your first mission but it felt insignificant to you as you cradled Dean’s head in your lap in the front seat of the Impala. You tried not to cry now that you weren’t alone and you didn’t want to freak the kids out so you sniffled to yourself quietly until the kids got out of the car and then Sam and then Dean to take him into the hospital. It wasn’t until you were left alone in the car while Sam delivered him to the ER that you let yourself really, really cry. Like snot shooting out of your nose, not being able to tell the difference between snot and tears on the back of your hand, whole body shaking kind of cry. When you were done and your eyes were bloodshot and your nose was rosy, you went in to join Sam.

You and Sam were at the reception area, trying to figure out how to pay for this mess when the lady gave you a solemn look, “there doesn’t seem to be any insurance on file.” Sam mumbled a few words to himself, grabbing his wallet out of his pocket. He was just as shaken up as you, maybe even more but he was handling it much better. You hadn’t seen him cry but that didn’t mean he wasn’t and he handed the lady a credit card - stolen. “Okay, mister Berkovitz,” she said, reading the name on the card.

You looked over your shoulder at the policemen waiting, watching, staring at you. You pulled on Sam’s jacket after the lady went to run the card and made your way to the policemen. They gave you another solemn look and you were already tired of all the pity looks you were receiving from people. You wanted to be left alone. “We can, uh, finish this up later,” the policeman offered.

“No, it’s okay,” Sam told them, shoving his hands in his jacket pocket. “We were just taking a shortcut through the neighborhood and our windows were rolled down. We heard some screaming when we drove past the house, and we stopped and ran inside,” he explained the fake version of it all. The civilian version it.

“And found the kids in the basement?” The officer finished, you and Sam both nodded. “Well thank god that you did,” he said, offering you a proud smile. This was one of the more friendlier encounters with the police you’ve had in the past few years and you were disappointed that it was under such grave circumstances.

You heard a door opening from behind you and you excused yourself from the officers, Sam quickly following. The policemen yelled a thank you down the hall as you ran up to the doctor. “Is he-” You started but the doctor held out a hand, suggesting that you calm down. You took two deep breaths and then the doctor smiled.

“He’s resting,” he said.

“And?” You pushed.

“The electrocution triggered a heart attack - pretty massive, I’m afraid. His heart is damaged,” the doctor explained. You felt like your heart was damaged hearing that news. You felt Sam’s body tense up.

“How damaged?” Sam asked and you braced yourself for the worst news possible. You could see it in the doctor's eyes that that was coming. You wrapped your arm around Sam’s, leaning into him for comfort.

“We’ve done all that we can. We just need to try and keep him comfortable at this point but I’d give him a couple weeks at most, maybe a month,” he explained. You thought that you had cried all of your tears but more threatened to come. Your heart was pounding so hard in your chest you thought that you were going to vomit all of the doctor’s white coat.

“No. There’s gotta be more that you can do,” Sam protested, his face falling and there they were: the tears. “Some kind of treatment,” Sam suggested.

“We can’t work miracles. I really am sorry.” Your lips parted and you could feel the tears streaking down your face and you felt paralyzed in that hallway with that doctor but Sam pushed you off of him and pushed past the doctor and into Dean’s room where the TV was lightly humming.

When you entered the room, Dean was mumbling something about daytime TV with his raspy voice that cut deep into your skin and left you bruised. You popped up behind Sam, who sighed and let out a sharp exhale. “We talked to your doctor,” he said.

“That fabric softener teddy bear. I wanna hunt that little bitch down,” Dean said, pursing out his lips as he changed the channel of the TV.

“Dean,” you warned. He rolled his eyes, putting the remote down on his lap.

“Looks like you guys are gonna have to leave town without me,” he said bluntly.

“What are you talking about? We’re not gonna leave you here,” you said, stepping out from behind Sam’s back, getting braver and braver but it was hard to see him in this condition. It was heart wrenching.

“You better take care of that car,” he warned. “I swear I’ll haunt your ass.”

“I don’t think that’s funny,” Sam said and you agreed but you bit your lip to prevent yourself from smiling.

“Oh come on, it’s a little bit funny.” You couldn’t help but let out a little laugh and Sam smiled, looking down at his feet. The room fell silent then and Dean let out a sigh. “Look, Sammy, what can I say, man? It’s a dangerous gig and I drew the short straw. That’s it, end of story.”

“Don’t talk like that, alright? We’ve still got options,” Sam pleaded with his brother. You knew just as well as Dean that there were no options but Sam would play the devil’s advocate until Dean died. He would always beat the horse too thin. Pray for a miracle that would never come.

“What options? You got burial or cremation,” Dean deadpanned.

“Hey,” you warned, shooting him a glare. He licked his lips, raised his eyebrows at you apologetically and then sighed again.

“I know it’s not easy but I’m gonna die. And you can’t stop it,” Dean said. He was the first one to really say it out loud. In those words. Sam’s face was scrunched up and red and you saw the tears pooling in his eyelid but you knew he wouldn’t let them fall around Dean. You put your hand on his forearm briefly and then sat on the edge of Dean’s bed.

“Watch me.”

The next few days were spent searching the internet and calling everyone in John’s journals to figure out a way to fix this, but Sam wasn’t sleeping and he wasn’t crying and you felt like maybe he was holding back for you because even when you were hiding in the bathroom, waiting for him to do something while he was alone - there was nothing. You couldn’t even hear him crying in the shower.

You were perched on the edge of the bed, the laptop on your lap while Sam tried John’s phone. No answer. “Hey dad, it’s Sam. Uh… You probably won’t even get this, but, uh, it’s Dean,” he started, his voice shaking and cracking. You closed the laptop and pushed it to the side. “He’s sick and the doctors say there’s nothing they can do.” He paused, his face scrunching up in pain. “But hey,” he chuckled, “they don’t know the things we know, right? So don’t worry, cuz I’m, uh, gonna do whatever it takes to get him better.” Sam kept hitting his ankle that was crossed over his knee and playing with the frayed ends. “All right, just wanted you to know.” Sam hung up and you were angry at John for not answering and not being here and making Sam do this alone.

“Hey,” you whispered, putting your hand on his shoulder. He jumped at your touch, almost like he forgot that you were even there but he softened when he looked at your face. You gave him a weak smile. “We’ll fix this, okay?” You promised him. It wasn’t something you could promise or that you should have promised but you did it anyway to make him feel better.

He pushed off the bed and started to pace around the room, running his hands through his dirty hair. He looked like such a mess. You could almost see the anger building up inside of him on his face. The way he squeezed his eyes shut, the way his lips were tight against each other. Sam turned around and in one swift motion, he cleaned the table clean of all the magazines and take out menus that littered it.

You jumped to your feet and put your hands on his biceps, coaching him to look at you. Begging him to look you in the eyes. When he finally did, you gave him another weak smile. “Breathe, okay? Please?” You asked. Sam licked his lips and then took a deep breath, nodding at you but when he let it out, he shook his head and crashed his body into yours.

You wrapped your arms around him and he squeezed you so tight you thought your head was going to pop off but you didn’t mind because that was Sam and you were willing to hold him for as long as he needed or wanted you to but a knock at the door broke the moment.

You sat him down on the bed and got the door yourself. “Dean?” His skin was pale and he was sweating even though it was cold outside and his body was pressed against the doorframe. “What the hell are you doing here?” You scolded him for leaving but the smile on Sam’s face when he saw him, made you regret it.

“I checked myself out,” he smirked, limping into the room, holding himself up with the chair.

“Are you crazy?” Sam asked but his face was filled with relief and joy that his brother was here with him. You knew just how crazy it made him think about Dean in that hospital bed, alone, watching daytime TV that he hated.

“I wasn’t going to die in a hospital, especially where the nurses aren’t even hot,” he joked as you closed the door behind him and helped him sit down in the chair. Neither of you laughed at his joke, but Dean still thought it was funny and he chuckled.

“You know, this whole “I laugh in the face of death” thing is crap. I can see right through it,” Sam told him, trying to scold or be serious but he was still smiling a little bit.

“Yeah, whatever, dude,” Dean rolled his eyes and adjusted his jacket so that he was comfortable and you couldn’t imagine that he was but he was putting on a brave face despite the fact that he looked like he was dying. “Have you even slept? You look worse than me,” he teased.

“He hasn’t,” you answered for Dean but giving Sam a glare. You had been begging him the last few days to just get a few moments of sleep and you would do the research for him but he insisted on staying up until he found a solution for his brother. Even as you slept, you could feel his body stirring next to you.

“I’ve been scouring the internet for the last three days. Been calling every contact in dad’s journal,” Sam explained, sitting down on the bed across from his brother. You sat next to him, pulling out the laptop and opening it up. There weren’t many solutions out there, but the one that you had so far, was pulled up on the computer.

“For what?” Dean groaned, visibly uncomfortable.

“For a way to help you. One of dad’s friends, Joshua, he called me back. He told me about a guy in Nebraska, a specialist,” Sam explained. You pulled up all the reports of the guy that you could find online, up, spinning the computer to show Dean. All the articles you could find showed nothing but good things. This guy healing people from even the brink of death.

Dean scanned the screen and shook his head, “you guys aren’t gonna let me die in peace, are you?” He asked.

“We’re not gonna let you die, period. We’re going.”

tagged: @matchamendes @stuckupstucky @sillydecoy @kaelyn-lobrutto24@liztorr1212 @icanreadbookstoo  @rachael-mae @jessewa26

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[midnight-circus]

otp meme

copied and pasted bc i wanna do this for the Vicious Old Queens and also lukhan and roderick, just for the fuck of it

Who is the most affectionate?

Physically, Elrick and Lukhan. Both my boys are r e t i c e n t.

Big spoon/Little spoon?

Elrick and Logan trade in and out, except when they’re actually asleep when their bodies repel away like opposite magnets and don’t touch for the rest of the night. As for Lukhan and Roderick, like ... Lukhan is almost 7ft and Roderick maxes out at 5′5, hair included. take a fuckin guess who’s little spoon 

Most common argument?

Elrick and Logan bicker like a pair of children, but it is very rarely anything serious or worth mentioning. Roderick is quite the little sniper, but Lukhan is generally too easy-going to fight back; when they do argue, it’s likely about Roderick’s treatment of other people. 

Who is most likely to carry the other?

Elrick has definitely carried Logan multiple times in their youth when the latter has been too drunk to walk. Lukhan could quite literally pick up Roderick one-handed.

What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Only from the perspective of my boys - either E’s eyes or his lopsided smile. As for Lukhan, Roderick’s weak for his whole fuckin business

What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Very little changed for E & L, mainly because Logan was still fiercely closeted and would be for a couple more years (until being outed and kicked out). Actually, the first thing that changed for Logan was an intense crisis of faith, the entirety of which was conducted beneath a veneer of indifference. It’s one thing to suspect you might find men attractive in an aesthetic way; it’s entirely another to actually kiss one and enjoy it so fucking much. It took him a long time to quantify his attraction to Elrick with the after-effects of strict childhood Catholicism, even though he had long since considered himself atheist.  

As for Roderick, the first time he spotted Lukhan he fell off the running machine and then had to go and have three espresso shots one after the other so you tell me. Realistically, though, his subsequent feelings for Lukhan are the first real stirrings of attraction he’s ever felt. An entirely new scope of emotion suddenly pings open in front of him and it’s like ... a lot to deal with at 2pm on a Wednesday, to be honest.

Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Elrick and Lukhan both know better >:[

Who worries the most?

god. my boys arent having a great success rate right now

Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Elrick and Roderick; Elrick because he’s food-orientated, Roderick because he just picks the direct opposite of what he himself would eat and it’s generally correct.

Who tops?

look. its not my fault that all my boys are bottom bitches. i dont tell them how to conduct their sex-lives, that shits up to them

also, please picture a 5′5 man topping one that’s 6′8. i beg of you. it’s like a chihuahua on a great dane.

Who initiates kisses?

Pretty equal for E & L these days, although Elrick probably wins by a small margin. Lukhan has to initiate kisses because Roderick can’t reach.

Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

E & L aren’t really the hand-holdy type, to be quite honest - if they’re going to touch, it’s more arm-around-the-shoulders/waist. Roderick would be receptive to hand-holding (even though he’d complain about it, to keep up appearances, you understand), but would never initiate himself. 

Who kisses the hardest?

Logan’s got a lot of Repressed Sexuality to catch up on, cut him some slack. Roderick would love to, if you could kindly get him a step-ladder.

Who says I love you first?

probably Elrick, definitely Lukhan.

Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Elrick, because his family is decent and wouldn’t disown their son for being a Gay. Although actually, strictly speaking Kat knows about their relationship before anyone else does, so I guess it’d be Logan. Roderick’s parents are dead and he doesn’t have any friends, so Lukhan wins by default.

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Logan’s family pretend it doesn’t exist. In time, his mother will come to display a sort of grudging acceptance, but she will never cease to impart microaggressions; his father will never be anything but explicitly, venomously homophobic, and doesn’t even acknowledge Elrick’s existence. Kat, on the other hand, soon gets over her dislike of Elrick and accepts him as a surrogate brother, which obviously gives her the right to punch him in the head with wild abandon.

Again, Roderick is literally a one-man-band in this world, so this is one problem he doesn’t have to concern himself with.

Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Elrick and Roderick, except Roderick only cooks healthy superfoods and therefore it’s gross by default. Logan literally cannot function without a microwave and im pretty sure Lukhan eats his food raw off the floor. 

Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Literally the only one of the four who might even vaguely consider doing this is Lukhan, and the annoying thing is he kind of makes them work. Roderick hates it and professes to wish he was dead, whilst at the same time secretly feeling a little faint

Who needs more assurance?

Logan only requires it when his family are involved because they’re a literal nightmare. Roderick, oddly enough, needs more assurance than one would think - it’s partially why he falls for Lukhan against his better judgement. Having lost his parents quite young and then subsequently entering into a very cut-throat business world, he never really received much reassurance and had to learn to get by without it. Coming from Lukhan, it quite wrong-foots him at first.

One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Logan will never live to a particularly old age. That’s always been a factor of his life, headcanon-wise. Probably 60, maybe 70 at a push, but certainly not far beyond that. Elrick’s inevitably going to be left behind. 

Roderick is liable to lose Lukhan to his own reticence and selfishness - it takes him a very long time to appreciate what he has, and it’s probably longer than a lot of people are willing to wait. If Lukhan decides he’s had enough, he has quite literally nobody to blame but himself.

One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

ok honestly the entirety of E & L as a whole mends my fuckin heart. they are my boys. theyve been through Hell and back in quite literally more incarnations than i can actually recall, and they always manage to pull it together one way or another. my dumbass fags.

As for Roderick, he sorts himself out in time. He starts off his character arc as thoroughly unpleasant, but Lukhan makes him a better, calmer, kinder person - and being able to apply the word ‘kind’ to Roderick Crowley in any capacity whatsoever is a dramatic achievement. It takes him almost three years to tell Lukhan he loves him, but it all finally begins to fall into place when he does.

[dxmedstudent]

1☁ hi, its okay if you dont want to answer this, i just need a bit of advice. im a sophomore in high school and ive been having trouble talking with my parents for about 4 yrs (while we took care of my grandpa & when he died). i know that they are stressed out but they continuously criticize, interrupt, ignore, and consider my ideas last (even if they know its correct) when i have asked them to listen multiple times. i lashed out at them recently bc im tired of this and all my brother does...

2☁ ...(hes the most 'neutral' about the situation) is tell me to calm down and be quiet. ive tried keeping all my ideas to myself and only express them to certain people, but i can only keep it in for so long. they have high stress jobs but they only complain (they basically have a baby boomer's mindset). im really frustrated and i want to move out, but for the last two years of high school, what can i do? thanks for listening.:( I’m sorry to hear it’s not been going well for you. It sounds like a really tough situation. It sounds like your parents have gone through a tough time, and perhaps aren’t coping very well with the stress that they deal with, but that doesn’t excuse things like ignoring or criticising you. I can’t condone their actions the way you’ve described them, but I can understand that your options for how to deal with your parents can be limited by lots of things in your life and there may be no easy answer for you. It’s not your fault that they choose to react a certain way, an it’s OK if you only have certain options in terms of how you can react and find yourself angry at that. It’s not your fault. And it won’t always be this way; like you’ve said yourself, you’ll be able to move out in a couple of years, and then you’ll have to deal with things like this a lot less often. It’s really difficult to say what can be done differently; it’s hard to change other people’s behaviour. Sometimes, it helps to write down a list of why it makes you feel bad, and approach that person about it at a time when things are neutral and they might be open to speaking about it. People can get defensive if you criticise them, but depending on how you phrase or put across your issues, you can sometimes explain to them that even if they hadn’t intended to hurt your feelings, the way that they are treating you has done so. Sometimes this can make people realise how their actions affect others, so it can sometimes make a difference. But it depends a lot on the person in question; and you will know your own parents much better than I do. So I know that you’ll have a better idea of whether this is an option for you. But not everyone is receptive to talks like that. In which case things are more difficult for you. You might try to talk to them (not about your ‘ideas’, but specifically about how they talk to you, or how they deal wiht your ideas. You can’t talk about everything at once, so it’s important to focus on one thing at a time if you want to have a conversation about it. If you talk to them and find that they aren’t receptive or get offended or just don’t understand (or they end up being insulting) then you might need a break from talking to them about that issue. I used to get into regular arguments with some of my family friends about... things. In the end, their less than progressive views certainly didn’t convert me, but I decided that trying to reason with them wasn’t teaching them anything, and although it wasn’t soul destroying for me, it wasn’t really positive. So after a while I decided to avoid that if possible, and focus my energies on people I could actually have a discussion with. It didn’t make it easy to hear their views (and yes, I’d still make my opinions known), but it made me remember that sometimes my aim wasn’t to Debate All The Points, but just to Live Today Without Letting Them Ruin My Day. So perhaps it’d help you to seek out friends your age that you can be yourself with, and people you can discuss the things on your mind with. Because even if things are difficult at home, it’ll give you hope, and an outlet for your ideas and frustrations. I’d recommend keeping a diary; I think during some points of my life, I only wrote in mine when I was mad, because that was the only time I really needed to get my thoughts out and just express something, whether it was a polite thing to express or not. If you’re worried about how what you’re expressing will be received, keeping a diary might help you process your feelings and ideas without causing friction with others. It’s hard to tell eactly what you and your family are arguing about. You mention ‘ideas’ , but I don’t know whether it means ideas as in ‘we should do this as a family’ or ideas like ‘gay people deserve love and attention and homophobia is wrong’. I don’t think that changes my advice, but it might affect how much your parents are willing to listen; sometimes people are very stubborn about prejudices and these things are usually the slowest to change. Your brother sounds like he knows that your parents aren’t right, but he’s just tired of the situations and trying to get by as best as he can; it probably doesn’t feel supportive to you but it sounds like he’s trying to cope as best as he can; sometimes people’s ways of dealing with interpersonal issues like this is to try to avoid conflict by keeping things smooth. Ultimately, it doesn’t solve unhealthy conflict (criticism, ignoring, etc), but it might sometimes just make it easier to get by. In the longterm, things are easier when you get the chance to move out and carve a place of your own. In the meantime, it sounds like you need to focus on doing whatever you can do to minimise your own stress. I hope this helps, I wish you good luck, and I hope things get better soon for you.

[misterbitches]

here’s what confuses me. we are on a public platform and people are posting things, tagging them, and even just perusing. ostensibly to be heard and get engagement. that’s how the internet works and what it encourages. so when people put something out there especially when they make it localized (? is that a right word) for access, why is the critique or response, even if it’s unfavorable, now a problem? we put it out there and it exists, if someone stumbles upon it why wouldn’t they engage? otherwise, why bother with all this output? i mean not many people read my posts but it’s a good thing for me to have them because what i do write it helps me understand the world better and something mainstream in ways it could be better and what could be done to get away from it. helping understand the context and history of the problems i am seeing on screen in many diff ways. but i do make it seen for a reason. i have drafts or posts privately that are just for me that i don’t think others should see so that means i do not want that engagement and i am closing it off. 

it isn’t like people can’t see it and respond if they so choose  bc this is basically a tacit agreement of having this in public. so if you have an opinion and someone disagrees why would that be hard for you if you are the one who put it out there? we know how this website works and how the web works. do we just want to hear what we agree with or even just know? otherwise i wouldn’t know shit. even with my best friends we try and come to a form of understanding and get on the same page or ask questions. i don’t get upset when they say, “no, because” or introduce a new perspective and this happens with the people i am closest to. so on a public place what else would we get? we allow ourselves to be seen...

i don’t think i have blocked anyone but i know people have blocked me and it has been for probably me being annoying but still fairly innocuous when i reply with a critique or make a joke. you take this risk posting it every time. but i dont want to block people because they could be of value at some point even if i want nothing to do with them. but every time it so happens that i say something even a little off from what this person wants—and it’s generally when i go into things in detail—they shut down from the perception that i am being hateful or accusatory or unfair? even when i try de-escalation tactics or being like “calm down” (not that explicitly) so these seem to be very emotional responses to not hearing exactly what we want and knowing there’s objection when there should be anyway. even if pieces are damn near perfect there’s still something. i find it very hard to believe that there’s intense pain enacted on others for liking “unsavory” things when the “unsavory” is the mainstream and it is necessary to uphold these things and for capital to continue to produce what it does. you’re not different when you accept it into your life either critically or uncritically because that is the norm. so when people are knocking the norms, tropes, whatever it’s like a shock every time and like someone is telling you not to enjoy it. but, again, we put this shit out there and want a response so it cannot be just what we want to hear. i hate that i hate the idea that wanting a  work to be better and seeing shit critically even as a leftist or whatever is oppressive and limiting other ppl when it is in no way the same or even on par with being silenced in general because of the garbage you find in a work. you will still be the minority and it will still be popular so there’s a false sense of superiority put onto others who disagree by the ones who feel “attacked” or like they can’t defend themselves or whatever. and who fucking says? if some random says so like oh well man. you cannot compare it to the real shit these fans do and the massive fanbases they have and the shunning they love to do then feel as if they are priority in feelings.

 they say everyone is sensitive and not able to think about things with nuance but it’s the opposite most times. you aren’t and when someone pops up with it or even says something offhanded cos they dont feel like having a huge discussion that is not the same as pushing others down. there is no majority saying this is wrong and we don’t want it; there’s a majority dedicated to defending it, their choices, and frankly the false sense of even light persecution. especially as adults but in fandom you’re not encouraged to act as a fully fleshed out person for a majority reasons and esp in a fandom that will skew younger. they are reliant on rabid fans or uncritical ones and i have demonstrated that constantly and given quotes etc. we should talk about discourse and what the private owes to the public, what the state owes its viewers, what artists owe the people tuning in. we should talk abou tfreedom of speech forreal and what that means but if we go deep into that you’ll unveil more things you dont’ like how people absolutely rally against this shit and want nothing to do with it. if you don’t want to think about that that is fine but it doesn’t mean others won’t say it.

idk like it may seem insensitive but i dont like the idea that a person pointing out things that are gross or micro or macro agrressive or what the fuck ever is the ruler over the discourse and how people interact with the work when frankly that just isn’t the case in the pattern of the work that people do and utilizing fans and using capital to defend yourself and recreate industry. you may not like to hear that it’s all bullshit but people will say so and it holds not even close to the same weight that the tacit agreement in indulging can sway  us towards not great perceptions. the harm of pointing things out, or being rude, or whatever is not the same as what fans will do to those people and the obfuscation of the real fucking issue. 

now it’s no longer about the problems in itself but the way people are receptive to the way others respond when they have a problem with the very real and prominent problem. now there’s no interest in engagement or even seeing people who may have more to say to it. if we think constantly about defending our right to like a work then the work takes ona life of its own and it latches on to your emotions even more it’s so fucking silly bc it’s like....this shit isnt for us anyway and if it’s gonna be here we should make it better and talk about it but it’s not about that it’s not about the rapes it’s not about the culture it’s about personal feelings which is why it becomes about how we talk about it as if things that ever skew to the left or focus on liberation would ever be the most popular. since when did saying this is fucking bullshit, this shit sucks, this real “crime” means nothing because it’s just entertainment yet you must find ways to defend your right to see that entertainment. it makes no sense no one is talking about that we’re talking about the ins-and-outs of storytelling and the toxicity and nature of these REAL PROBLEMS THAT ARE PROBLEMS SINCERE PROBLEMS as in there is no negotiation in wrong or right because it is wrong in every sense it’s what you do with that wrongness and what the fuck you want to say. it’s not about what i say about them being fucking shitty about the way they say it. dont focus on the way i dislike it focus on what the fuck im saying man bc this shit is disingenuous and it COMPLETELY eclipses the issues and attitudes and it lets these fucking idiots off the fucking hook for making straight up garbage like not even in a sociopolitical way just thoughtless drivel sometimes. like most times i dont even hate the villains in these shows or the men who are o dark and fucked up but we still got to like them it’s literally like “no nigga like why r u here tho?” what do u fucking add. you’re dead space and they let us know it’s dead space by saying “oh man isn’t life SOOOO complex dont think about it just think about him being a nice rapist okay guys even tho we are gong to do NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to establish fucking any of that” 

this is what people said for tharntype and it’s what they say about fucking everything whether it’s about gay shit or not. good example is the star wars fans with that guy and that girl or wahtever in that stupid racist franchise. just clamoring to make sure we know you’re good and that you’re okay for thinking that way when no one says you aren’t. but if something is presented then expect to get a fucking response especially abut what it is about at its fucking core. enough of the bullshit about misunderstanding and acknowledge it’s about your comfort in your interests and not having that questioned or antagonized in a way that may implicate you are a bit complicit but fucking all of us are as consumers. you arent hurt for having an opinion that seems to not go with the flow but is certainly part of the status quo. the world relies relies on harm, in a way it is reliant on rape, and that permeates through us and always takes precedent. additionally, again, this shit is mad patriarchal so it does a disservice to us as well as women cos it’s like. no man that’s born out of misogyny actually. what can we do? well, dont rely on the state. but if you dont rely on the state then will you make real money? not the money we’re talking here with the genre in itself. to me that means they dont have an interest in showing different types of lives they have a majority interest in showing “attractive” “conventional” men kissing and making bank.

[caratau]

Dad! Seungcheol.

y’all ever watched Cheaper By The Dozen?

S. Coups is basically the Dad.

raising 12 kids irl but i’d see him with a good 4 or 6

dominantly boys 

speaking of babies i read on a wattpad comment a million years ago that if theres a dominant amount of sons then that means the dad’s got a big willy and if there’s more girls then its small.

just a fact but idk if its bs so don't rely on me oK I WAS 13 MY INNOCENT (LMAO BIH WHERE) WAS TAINTED AND IDK IF ITS REAL BUT YEAH BACK TO PAPA COUPS.

but yeah like mostly boys for kids and then

hear this

his youngest is a little girl

this bewildered dad man and his three boys watch this little angel in amusement ok it was unexpected asf seen as papa coups and momma coups decided to keep the gender a surprise like hOW I HAVE THE PATIENCE OF A CHIPMUNK I GOTTA KNOW WHAT MY CHILD IS

im also not one who differentiates between genders :)

and that is how papa coups rolls too

hold up before we go onto the life lets go a trip down memory lane from the first boy

momma coups is a worry wart

like

she's calm and shit but like??? a baby??? she trusts papa coups but like, he’s only ever been a father to 12 teenagers and young adults???

how dis gonna work out??

and so the journey begins

not really lmao coups had to buy a personalised ‘Daddy Coups’ barbecue apron to make it official.

woozi did not approve

nor did momma coups

that apron became a scarring nightmare in those kids lives as teenagers for friendly barbecues imma tell ya that now

# prayforthechoi’s

but yeah back to the pregnancy i derail hella fast

will also buy a t-shirt with ‘daddy coups’ lmao momma coUPS HAS HAD IT

she burns it in a fit of raging hormones

poor ol’ cheol doesnt let the underlying dislike of these raging hormones show

woozi is high fiving momma coups in the bg.

do they have regrets?

being connected to cheol yeah they do

jk jk  they both love him

but yeAH 

he’ll be a wreck at the ultrasounds

not really a wreck

like

he’ll be all nervous and I'm picturing it now; momma coups’ hand is clutched between his and he keeps the back of it near his lips and he’ll kiss it every few seconds and ik it’s weird but like its a type of reassurance to him aND momma coups as if to say that everything ok bc they just have a fear of losing it and I'm going really sensitive I'm sorry

cheol’s eyes water y’all I'm crying inside

he sees a blob, with help from the nurse, and he just breaks down bc he made that blob y’all.

he made it

and throughout that whole break down, he realises its all real and fuCK he’s gonna be raising a child from biRTH, not from teenage years like he did with svt.

and he's just so happy from there on

honestly theres changes of him in interviews and v lives and all and everyone just loves it

will sO be the dad to take bump pics aW MY ACHEY BREAKY HEART FUCK

will do a montage

he’ll make a pinterest just for nursery ideas bc he’s gonNA BE A DAD

WHAT TYPE OF DAD WOULD CHEOL BE IF HE DIDNT BE A PARTICIPATING FATHER FROM THE START

a participating father does diy

it surprisingly goes well

momma coups is impressed

she invites jeonghan over in hopes to watch coups suffer but the two end up stood at the door of the nursery with teas in their hands and they're just admiring the man that probably keep them sane through different points of their lives

speaking about some of svt, they consider you as their momma coups (jeonghan is shaking) 

so when y’all tell the svt kids you're expecting an actual child, the room basically has an earthquake

hug here, hug there, may god help momma and papa coups bc they were being squished 

and then at the baby shower, cheol insisted that his sons be invited bc they're the life of the party

and its true

they are

Seungkwan does a lot of karaoke

but on a stage

and to people

he does some trot

thats when it gets lit

seokmin and soonyoung take over whilst seungkwan pulls vernon over for a slow dance to a song they're screaming to???

meh its svt ok they jam to anything and everything

i forgot to mention that since coups wasn't really so prepared for a bABY (teenagers and young adults aren't a default approach to fathering, ya gotta raise them from birth) he and momma coups are a regular attendee of birthing classes

just so he can be prepared

the classes were more for him than momma coups

she gets bored really easily

tiredness is a symptom of a pregnancy

anyWAY

night of the birth

2:36am is the dreaded time

although seungcheol was half dead bc damn dads need sleep too, dude’s still able to grab the hospital bags, slip shoes on, get the car keys and make it out of the house in record time and into the car

when they get to the hospital, cheol is talking at 100 miles a minute to two phones (maternal and paternal parents) of how the births happening

next is the svt kids

theres a lot of screaming over the speaker but it doesnt beat your scream when you went through a sudden contraction

and that was the beginning of the long ass birth of your first son

we’re at the fourth child

a daughter

a tulip

a little princess for the family to adore

no one expected it, as i said at the beginning

momma coups that she was doomed with boys but nah, theres still hope

from the day of the birth, papa coups has his boys, ages 7, 5 and 3 stand in a line in the hospital room as if they were in the military.

momma coups is cackling in her bed as she holds princess coups.

“boys, we’re now in a default mission.” 3 year old coups struggles a bit with balance and don't even expect concentration from him. baby looks away from papa coups for a sec 

“3rd son coups, look at me please-”

“3rd son coups, where are you going-”

“i demand the presence of 3rd son coups”

lmao 3rd son coups goes to sit with momma coups on the big hospital bed aw aw he pokes princess coups’ hand

“pwincess coups?” he asks momma coups with those starry eyes (coups genetics are amazing)

“princess coups, baby.” momma coups answers back and the whole family just gathers near the bed. 

“she's a diamond, boys, we gotta make sure no one tries to break or steal her, thats all i ask of you”

“yes dad”

theres even a response from 3rd son coups anD MY HEART IS HURTING FUCKING SHIT IM SUCH DOMESTIC TRASH I GOTTA MAKE 12 MORE OF THESE IM GONNA DIE OF HEART ACHE

cheol will piggyback the kids all day errday YGM

piggyback to brush teeth, piggyback for breakfast agh

everything is also almost like a military operation

this is where cheaper by the dozen tropes come in ok

i wouldn't say that cheol is a competitive person but if someone makes their family (*cough* jeonghan *cough*) out to be better than everyone else then its war

theres also summer trips to a lakehouse w the rest of svt and their families and my heart is hurting more now

but yeah

this is where the ‘daddy coups’ apron comes out.

did i forget to mention that princess coups has a small crush on woozi’s kid

this is when they're like 14 ok

they're both fucking shy too 

ofc cheol knows

instead of being protective, he pROVOKES IT AND OMF ‘DAD CAN YOU STOP WE GET IT’

princess coups isn't the biggest fan of her dads antics

still loves him as a dad tho

lmao his plan acc works tho like woozis kid and princess coups go on dates (both woozi and cheol chaperone lmao it ends up as a dads meeting)

OOH OOH (ooh aah I'm sorry oops)

CHEOL’S THE DAD TO STALK HIS KIDS DATES

will be the dad to make a mountain out of a mole hill over his kids dreams and damn i want cheol as a dad i feel as if very morning would be ‘CHASE YOUR DREAMS OK DONT LET ANYTHING HOLD YOU BACK’

would drive you where you needed to for these dreams

soccer games for boys, hell soccer games for the girl too she's grown in a practically all boys household

cheol doesnt degrade it tho

oh yeah all the boys are taught to be respectful towards women but the full on lessons go on at the hong’s.

coups pays joshua in the form of a future son-in-law for one of his little girls

joshua acc slaps coups i lAF

“if i see any of your boys near my princesses, choi, you're dead :))))))”

coups doesnt take it the wrong way bc its understandable?? but also not bc he trusts his kids to not make the wrong decisions

will be an emotional wreck at graduations

will also be the dad to scream their kids name at the graduation too

lmao my brother did that for my sister at hers but it failed terribly

people also had competitions at my brother’s graduation as to who could shout their graduate relatives name the loudest and ngl it was lit

but yeAH

will basically be dead at the kids weddings bC FUCK HIS KID HAVE GROWN UP WTF DID THE TIME GO

princess coups marries woozis kid btw lmao woozi regrets his whole life as cheol drunkenly cries on his shoulder at the reception

is not ready to let his kids go off into the real world but knows that he prepared them enough to be ready

or isn't he sure?? 

“princESS COUPS COME BACK HERE IM NOT DONE RAISING YOU”

BUT YEAH thats the end of dad! seungcheol i hope you enjoyed my first post :) expect some of these coming dad au’s to also be angsty bc I'm an emotional wreck like that :))))

byeeeee

[queernuck]

I have a huge problem with getting out of my house/room. I've only held down one job but lost it when I cursed out management. I had it for a year but if I'm honest interviews is what scare me more than anything. I just feel too dumb to fulfill tasks as well. I also can't fake courtesy. I know I need a job but I keep lazily convincing myself it all doesn't matter. I'm stuck?

yeah, the thing about interviews is that they can often be taxing, they take a lot out of you even if the performative aspect comes from, is based in, honesty; I love books, fuckin love ‘em, manga too, and yet i had a lot of fear or worry or general unease or nervousness in my interviews for the job i have rn. im lucky in that i have a general aptitude for interviews but still, nerves. 

and in a lot of ways, it doesn’t matter so long as like, you have food, have a roof over your head, you can get by. sometimes getting by is all you do and honestly that’s not the worst thing. you’re already articulated within numerous assemblages of structural violence just by like, existing As You Are, and subject of those one way or another you hopefully aint doin too much harm. like, it doesn’t matter, you dont need to think of yourself as incredible or even particularly good at a job to get it done, there really isnt that much wrong with not having ambition that translates easily into a “job” tbh

but that reassurance comes along with the practical, that a job can make other things easier, that money can be good to have, that the way a job “forces” interaction can be helpful. I know that i have at the very least questioned my own identity at different times while “working” and that the type of woman I am has been focused as a result, in part, of working in a lot of stuff where I have to deal with people who come into something ready to like me and people who want someone to be pissed at

being “fake nice” can be tough and i have a lot of practice that comes from being abused and also just being depressed so like im a bad role model but hey like, the performative aspect is all about figuring out what end your actions are toward. I want to be nice to customers so they’ll say nice things and buy things and as a result help me accomplish certain things but also I just encounter people as a cashier and many people are just innocuous or in fact themselves very kind and I want to generate positive experiences with them. other people I fake nice to because I know I need to and like, what’s great is that you can feel like you have a moral high ground lmao. like seriously it’s great to be able to see what sort of people are doing shit like buying the Milo book or like what sort of person actually wears copaganda t-shirts, and knowing someone is a shithead while you smile at them and they can’t do anything about that is vaguely cathartic. it’s not some passive kill them with kindness bullshit, it’s take ‘em for whatever you can given the violent artifice of capitalism. 

but it is tough, it takes practice, and maybe you can find something which isn’t very customer/client facing. fulfilling tasks may be difficult in certain scenarios, like when you don’t know what you’re talking about, but I fulfilled plenty of tasks when working in a college campus bookstore and knowing sweet fuck-all about what was being studied but knowing well the systems by which these things were understood. Same with recommending a lot of books: I’m v v v much in a corner for book recommendations so like, when I can’t just go “Okay so like Kafka, Foucault, or some manga” I harken upon what coworkers have told me!

in interviews, at work, in a lot of places, It’s Okay To Lie. Lying can be in many ways part of an engagement with structures of “truth” that is value-neutral, that is not betraying yourself. it’s bad to lie maliciously but like, making a recommendation that you don’t wholeheartedly agree with but you know someone is relatively likely to be receptive to, one based off of things you get, that you understand? not that bad!

basically what im saying is that my boss hates pumpkin spice but said today that she’ll say she loves it if she thinks she’ll be able to persuade someone to get a PSL. interviews, tasks, completing things, having a job can just be about showing up and being willing to put yourself out there for the right price.

[yeoldontknow]

Hi Kat, I was wondering if you have advice for writers who are too scared to publish their work online. I have many snippets and stories that I've written but never posted. I love the idea of having a tumblr or blog where I could share my writing, but I'm constantly struggling with imposter syndrome, feelings of not being good enough, and fears of being criticized by others. Thank you very much!

hi anon <3 ive had this ask in my box for literal months and i am so so so sorry for the delay. after chanvember i took a mini hiatus for the holidays and to rest and then jan and feb were so busy with work and life i just havent had time to give a proper, intellectual answer that you deserve. if this question is moot by this point, and youve gone ahead and created a blog for your writing, then YAY! congrats! thats a huge step. if youre still worrying over your writing, then please by all means continue reading below. 

please keep in mind that these are the things that helped me - wayyyy back over a decade ago when i first started writing fanfic and posting it online. what worked for me might not work for you, but as someone who also suffers from imposter syndrome in nearly every facet of my life, this is what helped and continues to help.

the important thing to focus on is that desire to share. the very fact that youve come here and said ‘i want to do this but im scared’ leads me to believe that your want to have a blog where you can share writing is already outweighing the fear of reception. and the most important thing you could do is not lose sight of that desire. you cannot control how people will respond to your writing, and i know that at first its very scary. the very extension of wanting to share is wanting to have a conversation around your work - not to receive endless criticism. so while you cannot control the response, you can control your reaction to the response. 

this also brings up a very important discourse - the line between helpful and unhelpful criticism. criticism is not something to fear, lovely. it helps us grow. to be wrong or to receive criticism is a moment of humility and change, and it evolves with us. when criticism is helpful, it allows us to see room for improvement, for growth. we can advance through the criticism, especially when its offered by a friend or someone we trust. i often recommend new writers show their work to friends they trust to get a third party opinion - someone with a face before they offer it to strangers whose comments we fear the most. helpful feedback and criticism is what allows our writing to flourish - and because you mention imposter syndrome, i imagine youre already very critical of your own work. that criticism is what makes you edit and edit again, wanting it to be the best you can create. thats important. unhelpful criticism, on the other hand, is something every single writer on this platform has experienced and survived. while most of the comments ive seen on fics throughout my years have been wonderfully positive, there are still some that will hurt.

and thats a very important thing we as creators and artists must always accept - not everyone will love your work and you will, at some point, get hurt. but you will also survive. 

and i can assure you, almost every writer i have met experiences imposter syndrome at some point. as a reader, we see the final product, the fic that makes us feel something, that entertained us, that brought us joy. and we see the response the writer receives, the comments and the asks, and we think ‘wow, it must be easy for them.’ but honestly, it isnt. we dont get to see the weeks, the months, the hours, maybe even the years it took to write that story or that chapter. the worry of ‘is this good enough’ ‘is this right’ ‘am i still putting out the same quality this story deserves.’ i can speak from experience that the overwhelming response for hero ALWAYS makes my next chapter harder to write because i dont want to let anyone down. the fear of disappointing the readership is real and very often makes me feel like im not good enough for the story anymore. we fill this way because we are human and more than anything, this is is what we must remember:

a story cannot be better than us because it is ours. we created it. we found it in our minds. we gave birth to it. so by extension its a part of us. not everyone will love it, but no one else will have this unique idea or be able to tell this story the way you can. your perspective changes the trope, the character, the feelings. the sea of authorship is never full, because there is still room for your voice. and if you are scared of posting online, hold onto the feeling that made you reach out to ask for help. you asked because you want it. and the want will always outweigh the fear <3 

i hope this encourages you anon! the community IS majority positive and friendly, and im sure if you want to write it someone is wanting to read it.

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels