#dont be mean about people finally accepting themselves

[thebiggestfuckgiven]

“dude we get it, you have/you’re [insert sexuality or gender identity or mental disorder or chronic illness] but do you really have to make it your whole personality?”

well considering that for years i believed something was deeply wrong/broken inside of me and i hated myself for it so much, just to realize as an adult that it was actually X thing, yes, you bet your ass i’m going to be loud about it.

if i want my clothes to be the color of the ace flag or if i want to wear a discreet black ring on my middle finger that no one else around me irl will catch on to, or if i want to casually mention how me forgetting is “just the adhd”, then by god i will. Because the alternative is self-destruction and i cut that bitch out of my life

[lovelikeghossts]

I've been reaching out to other women about female masculinity, and it's making my heart more at ease. It's so much more than what I originally thought. I had this vague definition of what I saw the media portray it as, but it's nothing like that at all. There's so much that I enjoy now that I can continue enjoying and don't have to give up just because I want to explore a new side of myself, and I'm so happy to find that out.

[wheatbreadfuckyeah]

It's you in the reflection, not him. [Viktor x Reader]

Dont let the title fool you because it's just a vent story, lamdhownwbsbxj. Remember- it's okay to be self-indulgent once in a while

–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—–—

I sit on Viktor's desk, my legs casually propped up on my usual chair, absentmindedly gazing into the small mirror he keeps tucked among his tools. My reflection stares back, and I let out a frustrated sigh. "Ugh! I look like my dad."

The sound of my voice breaks through the soft hum of his work. Viktor’s head lifts slightly, his golden eyes flicking toward me with quiet curiosity. “An odd lament,” he remarks, setting down a small tool. “Why does this trouble you?”

I hesitate, biting my lip before responding. “Because… I don’t like him.” My voice wavers, frustration and something deeper seeping through. “He was barely in my life, and when people say I look like him, it’s never a compliment. Everyone says he’s ugly, and then they just… casually mention how much I resemble him.”

The bitterness in my tone hangs in the air as I glance back at my reflection, my chest tightening. I whine softly, as if the words themselves could alleviate the weight pressing on me.

Viktor watches me in silence, his gaze steady but unreadable. When I finally meet his eyes, I catch something in his expression—thoughtfulness, perhaps, or a flicker of understanding.

“You frown at your reflection,” he says, his voice calm but deliberate, “not because of what you see, but because of what it reminds you of. A face, no matter how similar, does not define you.”

I furrow my brows, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. “Easy for you to say. You’re…” I gesture vaguely at him, my words tumbling out before I can stop them. “You’re you. Plus—you’re attractive.”

That catches him off guard. Viktor blinks, the faintest hint of color rising to his cheeks, though he quickly schools his expression. “Attractive, you say?” His tone is mild, teasing, but there’s a softness in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

I groan, covering my face with my hands. “Don’t make it weird. You know what I mean.”

His lips twitch in an almost-smile, but he doesn’t press the matter. “You overestimate the comfort I take in my own appearance,” he says quietly. “It is not without its flaws.” He taps the edge of his desk lightly, his voice growing more thoughtful. “Yet I find myself less concerned with the surface. Your likeness to him—whether striking or faint—is incidental. You are not him, nor his mistakes.”

I look away, swallowing hard. His words are kind, yet they stir something uneasy in me. “It’s not just about him,” I murmur. “It’s what people think when they look at me. Like I’m… carrying a piece of him everywhere I go, even when I don’t want to.”

He leans forward slightly, resting his elbow on the desk as he studies me. “And yet, you are more than their opinions. More than their comparisons. Do you believe your reflection encapsulates all you are?”

“I…” I trail off, unsure how to respond.

Viktor offers a rare softness in his expression, a flicker of empathy that feels grounding amidst the storm of my thoughts. “Perhaps it is not your father’s image you fear, but the thought that his absence defined you. That it shaped the way you see yourself. You are not beholden to that.”

I blink, his words sinking in slowly, uncomfortably, but not unwelcome. “You make it sound so simple.”

“Simple? No,” he replies, leaning back and picking up his tools again. “But necessary. Complexity often lies in accepting what cannot be changed.”

I glance at the mirror one last time, my reflection no less familiar, but his words linger like a small, steady light in the back of my mind.

[bambooswordwielder]

So funny to see the different demographics that each MXTX book series attracts and how that affects the way the fandom interacts with each other and themselves.

SVSSS is a Fandom full of people who embody the 'dont-like-dont-read-it' mindset I believe we need more in fandoms. You wanna ship Shen Qingqiu with Tianlang-jun, Luo Binghe's father? Go ahead. Wanna write a 300k fic about Shen Qingqiu as a bird that follows Luo Binghe around during his childhood? Where's the bloody link. Wanna make memes about Skinzun? Me too, send me all the memes and drawings.

The nature of SVSSS being a meta-retelling of stereotypical Male fantasy harem novels means it references and is heavily influenced by Fandom Culture, especially during Airplane's Extras of his past life.

It's because of that fact it means to read and finish the books, you automatically just have to be a person who's been dealing with fandom culture for a long time. You've learnt to accept that other people ship other ships, you've learned to love the random rare pairs that show up on your homepage that you never would've thought of but now will be hunting for on AO3, you've just learned to have fun with the source material.

This mentality is further pushed by the fact SVSSS doesn't have alot of Canon Material being produced, meaning a majority of content is fanmade for fan consumption. This builds a level of community that means there's not that much discourse, and any discourse there is is usually shut down with a simple "Oh hey Shen Yuan, nice to see you here."

MDZS has a bit more diversity in the people it can attract. It has a well-written love story between WangXian, it has Sibling Angst in the form of the Yunmeng Siblings, Nie brothers, Lan Twin Jades, and the entirety of the Jin Family, and it has deep political intrigue and discusses/dissects discrimination of your birth status (Sexism, Classism, Merit VS Blood). MDZS is also the novel with the most adaptations (The OG Novels, a Donghua, a manwha, audio drama, Life Action in the Untamed, and a manga), meaning more people can consume it in their preferred style.

However, it's due to these reasons that MDZS tends to have a lot of fights/debates in it in terms of interpretations of the characters/plot. Someone who watched the Untamed primarily is going to have a vastly different interpretation of Jiang Cheng’s character than say someone who read the original novels, and someone who watched the Donghua will have different scenes than in the Novel. People who came primarily for the Sibling Angst might wish for Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian to reconcile, while someone else for came for something else might be happy they don't interact.

There's also the fact the story deals with a lot of characters going through extreme circumstances over a long period of time, meaning characters make decisions that might make some fans hate them and some fans want to defend them for it. This overall just causes a lot of debate.

Love the works, love the Fandom, but 99% of fighting is caused by people reading/watching different adaptations which has different portrayals of characters (I'm staring directly at you Jiang Cheng).

I will update this when I finally finish TGCF and can get a glimpse of the Fandom, though would love to see any statements about it or the other fandoms.

[aziraphales-library]

hello mods! thanku for all the work u do on here ur all so ineffably talented :) could you possibly rec some married aziracrow fics ? preferably post-canon, non explicit & not human aus but if thats too much trouble i dont mind! thank you once again !!! 🫶🫶

By married I assume you're looking for fics with #domestic fluff? Here are some to add to the tag...

Autumn Leaves in London by Sabotaged_Words (G)

The Ineffable Husbands are living their Notting Hill dream. Crowley persuades Aziraphale to go for an autumn walk, which ends with Aziraphale reading to Crowley from one of his favourite books with Crowley relaxing on Aziraphale's lap.

but when he walks in, i am loved by vantablck (G)

Against all odds, Aziraphale and Crowley finally find themselves sharing a life and a home together. Oh, and they finally go on that much awaited picnic.

Some Part of Me Came Alive by ForSnaken (G)

Aziraphale and Crowley have been living in the South Downs cottage, are now married, and have decided to adopt four cats. Very domestic, and described by the beta as tooth-rottingly fluffy.

Like real people do by eerlingoq (G)

marriage /ˈmarɪdʒ/ the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. Perhaps that's what the humankind would prefer to call it. Aziraphale and Crowley are not one of them. To them- it's one another simple tradition of those pesky little creatures. Maybe it has a more significant meaning to them now that they are free. To figure that out, it takes two occult beings to break the elephant in the room; just this once.

complementary colours by ineffabildaddy (T)

Aziraphale turned his gaze towards the love of his life, who was currently sat in the chair next to him, reading yesterday's copy of The Guardian in a grey Commodores t-shirt and a black-and-white stripy pair of boxer briefs. "What's your favourite colour?" Aziraphale enquired, breaking the tranquil silence of their breakfast ritual. Glancing up from his paper, Crowley arched an eyebrow. "Wazzat?" Or: Aziraphale has just moved into Crowley's cottage in the South Downs. We follow their little adventures as they grow accustomed to their new life together and endeavour to find out things they have never known about one another.

The first year (of the rest of their lives) by Melime (T)

After Armageddon doesn't happen, Aziraphale and Crowley learn to communicate about their feelings and to accept that Heaven and Hell truly are intent on ignoring them. Along the way, they enjoy romance and domesticity, learn to share a home, and decide what they want to do with their lives.

- Mod D

[aicosu]

Hey, just saw your post about Veilguard - do you mind me asking what it is that put you off? Thanks!

I can start by saying I've not played it. I'm not going to at this point. But basically, every cutscene and dialogue option and plot point I've watched. And for those of you that don't remember I was hugely critical of Inquisition despite my love for it. And I downright hated Trespasser. So this shouldnt be shocking.

And its a lot of stuff I dont like. I can make a short list of major things below, obvious spoilers.

Please dont read this if it will make you angry okay? This is a lot of angry ranting.

1. I said this with inquisition and trespassers but veilguard seals my hatred for the decision to center the entire plot of ripping apart the dalish culture and religion. I'm sorry I just don't think this is compelling. It's icky to create an oppressed and marginalized race with parallels to most indigenous cultures in the real world, and basically call them wrong and stupid for clinging to their culture and history. I don't care that validating the Enuvanris existance means also invalidating the maker and the tevinter reiligions too, or even the dwarven: the game centers this narrative on the DALISH. The entire implication that its their fault all along or they sold themselves into a cult and slavery is gross. The game could have easily done this but centered it around the Maker. Andraste as the blight corrupted crazy deity or spirit whatever the fuck. Makes more sense with how much Chantry has been shoved down our throats since origins, and given how much wider spread it is after literal genocides of the dalish, qun, etc it would just mean a lot more to target the oppressors/majority religion directly. And look listen, I'm a pretty hardcore athiest and even anti thiest. I hate all religions, I find stories about dismantling religion compelling but to couch it histories of marginalized people like... its just not great. Not to mention twisting their gods into systematic greedy people or shoving their "bestest god" into a human woman and trying to make her prostheltize at me. I don't like it!

2. I get why old decisions dont matter. The world is too big, sure. I dont mind that at all, actually, even with all the problems, it gives people invested in those choices. Im happy to accept it. But then... make the actual plot less beholden to it. Why bring in cameos at all, then? Fuck man set it 50 or 80 years later. But if you cant cause everyone wants closure in the DA fandom then give us closure. If not personal closure with wardens and hawkes and etc cause its all too variant — lore closure. We arent going to talk about how darkspawn were thinking and talking? Blight was always just a random elvhen weapon? What apparent the tevinter magisters then? What about the architect? What about the idea of darkspawn becoming their own race and culture? What about the old gods themselves they were just always enuvanris? How do magisters actually feel about that? Why did those who worshipped corypheous or the black church follow Elvhen gods, their most oppressed and hated enemy aside from the qunari?

Speaking of, what about all of us who wanted to confront Minrathous and Tevine for the atrocities we've built up about it for 3 games. Slavery? Off screen solved before we get there? Dorian fixed it all? I had a heated debate with Dorian about him saying how slavery wasnt all that bad "They like being slaves!" And so many conversations with Fenris about how horrible it is. Rape and murder and submission? We don't as players get to finally confront that?

How about red lyrium being sentient. How about it being a tool the elvhen then used to murder titans, but not its alive and unstoppable? How can anything be unblighted? Because plot?

What of the calling? What of it really? What of those in The Calling who were unblighted? nothing?

Not even a deep conversation about the murky ethics of liberation/slavery when it comes to the Antivan crows stealing children? I'm to forget that?

How about anything all to do with the Qun? How about that burnt in memory I have of Saarabas immolating himself in service to not just the system of his culture but his belief in his faith. We're writing him off as a terrorist and not as an example of the Qun? Lets be really real; they have been retconning the Qun every game till now them being a fully gender and sexual accepting society.

How about the changes of mages vs templars if and maybe they walk free now? As if that entire conflict wasnt the brewing boiling point for three games?

What about the elvhen rebellion they so rightly started after centuries or murder and racism? Can we stop pretending that rebellion isnt an act of violence and has to be? Can we stop erasing the idea that systemical upheavel can be anything other than radical? Hello? Anders is one the phone asking for you?

How about that ending, the veil isn't even torn? Spirits don't walk the earth as intended. Why not solas' plan? Why not restore order. Why not join or dissuade him as he asked us to in trespasser?

It just all feels washed off, Thedas. I'm allowed to be angry and upset that they spanned all of these topics and asked me to engage with them on a deep ethical and moral grounds only to never mention them again. I dont think making your player base feel stupid for caring is great.

3. On personal levels, Solas has been ooc since trepasser. And frankly, the explanation of his relationship with Mythal is disgusting. Made the first slave and turned from his true nature into a tool of war—and reaffirming his subservance by making it that only Mythal could stop him? How is that not a toxic dynamic, and they fram it as loving and romantic? Imagine them trying that Fenris who can only be talked down by Danerous. Come on. It should have been Lavellan — or it really should have been not at all. Let him. The devs want to destory Thedas and start over? Let solas reset time and recreate the earth and tear is all down and erase most of the history. Do it you cowards. Give me an unrecognizable DA5 where spirits and mages rule and the elvhen thrive and war with each other. Give me slaved humans and a topsy turvy all that changes remains the same reality. Why not if you want to illuminti titan everything anyway.

4. I dont believe in the veilguard, I should have a choice not to. I should have a reason to care about it or my companions or fewl some sort of reason we must all work together aside from "theyre adorable". All the other games you had companion parties in organic and believable ways. Rook is leader cause.... ? What if I dont want to be? At least my Dalish inquisitor fought tooth and nail not to be called a christian messiah. Hawke had FRIENDS. And the warden found those who knew what a blight meant. And many of all of us disagreed. Vivianne got not sympathy from me. Why should Neve? Fenris will leave your party if you waste your time when the Magister comes to town. I dont want to coddle Harding about her stupid chantry. I do not to talk to Lucanis happily about the crows. Maybe I dont want to be friendly all the time. Maybe I hate everything Bellara is doing. Or taash.

5. The writing was on the wall in inquistion hoenestly. What with Iron bull letting me decide is he mass murders his found family or not. But jesus these new companions are like 10 yrs old. I don't know you decide. Your a fucking adult. I cant take a single one of them seriously. Even Sera screamed and yelled at me if I challenged her. Solas and I almost broke up mutiple times arguing about tradition and purpose or that damn Mythal well (again and no wonder he would object to doing anything akin to being emslaved by her, only to submit himself in this game. As if the well mattered at all. As if morrigan matters at all.) I just don't feel as though I'm bonding with anyone, I'm babysitting. Im being told what a great person I am that I can teach everyone elementary school behaviorial learning. I dont want to, I dont even want to be "good".

6. Petty stuff:

I hate the art style both in the UI and the models. I hate it. And the expressions are so poor compared even to Da2.

I hate all the armors. Everyone is bulky. Hate it.

Ugly combat.

Cant control or walk around as my companions and try out other classes.

CC cant change eyes or facial structure much so all rooks heads look the same and kinda... everyone looks like a dwarf. Sorry. Imo, imo, every rook I have seen looks like a dwarf.

Dont like the music.

Dragons are ugly.

Morrigans outfit makes it look like she has 4 titties.

I hate this elvhen "steampunk" tech when so much of their magic was shown to be earthen and mystic. Dumb. No explanation as why it would become this way it just is now.

Blood magic erasure cause the devs are scared of us being cool I guess.

I hate the humor. Every joke doesnt land for me. And there are simply too many.

[doyouevenshipbr0]

borderline illiterate gruvia think piece.

happy gruvia day i guess!

so like…… im a grown woman. so believe me when i say at this point i rly couldnt care to be genuinely bothered by antis. like i will literally just block them lmao. ok yes i did write a whole fic revolving around a comment by an anti KFHDKSJWJEDK but i rly wasnt mad i was just genuinely inspired by what they said.

ANYWAYS! nonsensical 294820381002 word rant incoming from the “unbothered” grown woman.

seeing people say how gray is out of character in 100 yq/has stockholm syndrome are literally missing the entireeeee point of his and juvia’s relationship and its crazy!!

*side note, i think for the sake of helping gray’s character and development, they sacrificed a lot of cool things about juvia and a lot of her individuality which i do not like. but thats a rant for another time. btw do notttt even come for me bc she is literally still by far my fav character lmao*

im probably gonna go on for too long about this but gray’s whole fucking character throughout the whole story from beginning to end is centered around the fact that hes cold and closed off and grumpy and “too cool” and listen im not saying this is fucking rocket science or any type of transcendent literature by any means but i HAVE to point out that hes a fucking ice wizard. like. duh. im sure his character/personality was meant to go along with abilities i mean look at literally EVERYONE else in fairy tail.

ANYWAYS the reason he is this way is because he’s so used to losing all of the people he loves and even worse, hes used to so many people sacrificing themselves for him.

and it traumatizes him!! so many people hes been close to have died and he ultimately always thinks its his fault! lord knows im rusty with ft knowledge but his parents died (cant remember if it was in any type of sacrificial way teehee), Ur sacrifices herself for gray, ultear sacrifices herself for gray, and his dad dies AGAIN (once again, not sure if this was in a sacrificial manner lmao. i kindaaa think it was? maybe? shrug.). but POINT IS! theres a common theme of loved ones dying and/or sacrificing themselves for him. there might even be more people lmao idfk.

so what happens when he meets a girl who has an overwhelming and unwavering and infinite love for him?! he is freaked the fuck out!!! for a couple reasons! 1. he is so used to losing the people that love him and 2. he doesn’t even think hes deserving of any love to this degree!

then what happens? he PUSHES HER AWAY! KEEPS HER AT A DISTANCE!!!! because THATS ALL HE KNOWS!!!!!!!!! yes he has his friends who love him but no one has ever loved him in the way and abundance that JUVIA DOES! so he has to react appropriately! lots of love = lots of keeping her at an arms length!

so when he thinks he loses juvia in their fight with invel, and she comes back, dont we think it would make sense that he finally realizes he should accept his feelings for her? i mean remember when he said he promised her an answer AFTER the war? once again, like gray, pushing things off. and then he almost LOSES HER without ever telling her how he feels! so gray realizes life is short! theres no use in trying to deny ur feelings! these are common themes in like 85% of my gruvia drabbles lmao.

im not even saying that it was love at first sight for him and that gray liked her from the jump. bc i dont think thats true. i think we can finally see outward romantic feelings for juvia right after the tartaros arc, when juvia visits gray at his parents’ grave. but before that, i think juvia was a friend (wellll i feel like after the tenrou island arc he liked her more than a friend, but he didnt really realize how much more) who he cared about, and truly didnt know what to make of her because like i said, hes never known a person to love him so much and actually not die LMAO.

but my point is, juvia is the perfect person to be gray’s romantic partner. she is a person so full of love and so happy to love and she doesnt care who knows it. she is unequivocally herself and she wears her heart on her sleeve to the upmost extent.

it literally only makes sense for his character to end up with her!

u could argue gray doesnt need to end up with anyone at all bc he has his friendsssss and likeeee. sureee. fine. but what fun is that? i personally want to see the scared-of-love grump to find his person. i think, again, thats kind of the point of gray’s character- learning u are worthy of love, accepting love, and learning to love openly.

im sorry but literally what better happy ending for him than to be with juvia?

so fast forward to 100 yq, where he is just sooooo out of character apparently. dont we think that may actually be…. character development?

the boy who probably couldn’t even fathom a romantic relationship is now finally accepting he’s in love. he’s done pushing it off, he’s done denying, he’s done depriving himself of feeling love. thats a step in the right direction! now what? in true gray fashion, he thinks hes still not good enough! and that’s where we are now. he’s not confident, he thinks he’s weak, and he thinks he cant protect her. why? he knows she loves him. he knows he’s objectively a strong wizard. so why does he feel inadequate? CIRCLE BACK!!! TO WHO GRAY IS AS A PERSON!!!! SINCE DAY ONE!!! constantly in fear of losing his loved ones! thinking he can’t protect them! SCARED TO LOVE!

like im sorry the proof is soooo in the pudding and i totally understand if gruvia isn’t ur cup of tea but to say things arent making sense is silly to me! they actually make perfect sense!

and yknow what. im gonna go from a romantic standpoint to a realist standpoint. years ago, mashima said he likes gray and juvias dynamic and didnt have anything serious in mind for them anytime soon. so he kept that going for literally the entire series. well. he ended fairy tail alluding to the fact that gray and juvia were kinda together at that point. or he at least ended it with the pretty obvious conclusion that gray does in fact have feelings for juvia. so then when ft 100 yq starts what was he supposed to do? act like all of their development in the last arc never happened? that would be kinda hard to do!

whatever i just hope at least like 3 of these sentences were coherent lmao u guys get my point

[tachimichishrine]

i’ve found someone who writes for tachi?? omg?? you’re writing is so amazing i love it! can i req an x reader where she’s like chuuya’s subordinate in the pm so she’s higher ranking than tachihara but takes an interest in him bc, hello?? who wouldn’t? so she starts to play specific moves that draw them closer together (ngl im thinking mastermind by taylor swift if yk the song) and when they’re finally dating he confesses that he knew what she was doing the whole time? aka intelligent slightly manipulative reader thinking she’s being slick abt it. thank youu!

<welcome to the corner of tumblr where we worship tachi and have no shame about it !!!!!!!!!!! OH FUCK YEAH I love this ask I love the idea and I love you, i've never heard that song before but woah it got my brain juices flowing, sorry it took centuries but here you go luv ♡>

"mastermind"

⫭◦⨝◦⫬

tachihara michizou x fem! chuuya's subordinate! reader

warnings: mention of drugs/alcohol and drink spiking (dont try this at home kids) ; a little bit of gore/torture but it's one sentence ; for some reason there are some elements of kind of sort of yandere!reader that just manifested themselves grgrgr but barely i promiseee ; fluff + plot ; cursing n intended lowercase

it was the middle of the night, and your phone wouldn't stop ringing. you tried snoozing it, turning it on silent but it would keep vibrating on the night table aggressively. against your better judgement, you picked it up and took a look at the caller id.

"boss man 🤏🧍"

well, you couldn't ignore that.

"what the fuck do you want you short little shit, it's 2 in the fucking morning," you grumbled, then cleared your throat before actually pressing the green icon to pick up the line. "hello, boss. is there anything I can-"

"cut the bull, where the hell are you?"

"um, at home? sleeping?" you raised a brow that he couldn't see. "am I supposed to be somewhere?"

"you- forget about it. just get here, now."

now, he was really getting on your nerves. "get where? I can't read your mind, boss, what-"

he hung up.

you didn't have a problem with chuuya in general; he was a decent guy, sometimes. you got assigned to work under him in the fallout of his partner, the famed demon prodigy, disappearing. of course, he didn't want anything to do with you at first, and you would've felt the same if mori wasn't breathing down your neck to keep on it. so, you kept showing up on his missions a few minutes before he arrived, the information already extracted or people already beat to a pulp.

he still wouldn't budge, so you had enough of working so hard just to be his subordinate and exploded at him one day. he could barely get a word in as you yelled loudly and ranted about his inability to accept help. while he was speechless in the aftermath, you just sighed tiredly, handed him your phone number and said that you weren't going away anytime soon and you'd appreciate it if he would just let you work for him already. time passed and eventually you got his trust.

what you didn't get, however, was an explanation for why you were rushing to slide into clothing fit for the outside world and making your way to the port mafia headquarters. it was the only place he could mean, so you ran over there with guns strapped to your thighs and safety off. you had to plan for whatever the hell might've been going on, but all you saw was a nearly empty lobby.

you cursed under your breath, irritated that you busted your ass for no reason. from the corner of your eye, you found a familiar face and approached him.

"hirotsu," you walked over with a pissed expression, "do you know where chuuya is?"

"oh, chuuya isn't here. he told me he'd be sending someone to deal with it," he said following a polite nod of the head. "he needed the black lizard to perform a mission, but he's unavailable tonight. so, he said that he'd send you."

"he's unavailable?" your eyes nearly bulged straight out of your skull, but you caught the slight squint in his face. "oh. he's drunk out of his mind, isn't he?"

hirotsu nodded solemnly. "I'm afraid so. mori only gave him this assignment tonight, and he was already intoxicated when he got the call. I was with him when it happened, so I suggested he call you."

"oh, he so owes me one after tonight," you chuckled, less angry now that you realized he was probably just collapsed on his couch at home and will have the worst hangover the next morning, which you could easily mock him for. well, at least that brightened your mood a little, aside from seeing the black lizard in action. you'd heard of them, ordered massacres through hirotsu but never been there to witness it. that would definitely be fun. "sooo, what exactly do I need to do? just be there or something? yell out 'fire!' like some kind of medieval war commander? 'cause I've always wanted to do that."

the old man was slightly amused by all of your excitement regarding the concept. he said that he just needed someone to be there in case, and you were technically of a higher ranking than he was. you told him that he was such a stickler for hierarchy; he retorted that you sounded like some guy he worked with named tachihara. who that was, you hadn't a clue, but you were assured he'd be there alongside another leader of the battalion.

the rest was a lot less interesting than you thought it would be. you strolled into an abandoned warehouse where the enemy was based with a small army behind you, and you stood there while they lined themselves at your side and waited for your word. you went against your inner child and ordered them to fire in a normal voice rather than a stupidly dramatic one, then you just watched the bodies fall. you glanced at the side to see hirotsu, who was intently scanning his surroundings to make sure there were no tricks. by his side, you saw a masked person and another man who was half-asleep, leaning against the wall.

you fell hard to the sound of gunshots.

maybe it was the way his entire body leaned onto the worn concrete, the way his foot was flattened against the wall and his hips slumped lopsidedly, the way his v-neck plunged down his chest from under his coat, the way his jaw sat tight and clenched despite his slender neck bending backwards to rest the weight of his head behind him. you pulled your gaze off of him since you were afraid of staring, but everyone was already dead and hirotsu was commanding the nameless suits back to hq. the man opened one eye - fuck, they were a glossy amber, some of the prettiest you'd ever seen - and scoffed while he followed them out. he walked like a textbook delinquent, hands in his pockets with awful posture, and you just watched him.

shit, what just happened? you exchanged some brief words with hirotsu as he thanked you for showing up, but all went over your head. you blurted out the question before you could think twice.

"which one of them was tachihara? out of the two who came with us. since, y'know, you were mentioning him earlier..." since, y'know, you couldn't get the picture of your mystery man out of your head and you needed to know his name.

following the affirmation that it was indeed the man with the bandage on his face, you at least had a name as you flopped back into bed at 5 in the morning. you didn't sleep, and you sure as hell couldn't get your heart to stop beating so fast.

something had unhinged inside of you, and all you knew was that you were going to have him.

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"boss, what'd'ya want me to do to 'em?" you yawned, half-asleep as you sat next to the hungover mafioso who was holding some kind of mystery drink in his hand while the other shielded his eyes from the light of day. you came over to his apartment - something which you knew he hated but was in no position to protest right now - and were simultaneously nursing him back to health and being a pain in his ass. "if word gets out that we annihilated the organization but two of their executives are still alive, our rep would take a hit."

"can you shut the fuck up," he groaned, body slumping further onto his fancy kitchen counter while you continued to laugh internally at him and his slightly pathetic situation.

"look, boss, I'll tell you what," you leaned down to his crouched over height and placed a cautious hand on his shoulder, "I'll take care of it. the whole thing. I just need your permission to grab the black lizard if I need 'em for support, but I can make sure it all goes away. and you can just sit today out and spend all day in bed if that's what you want. how does that sound, boss?"

he grumbled and passed out again; you took that as a yes.

you smiled to yourself as you picked up the unconscious body bridal-style, walked over to his bedroom and set him down. he complained loudly in undefined slurring, but you just shushed him and tucked him in under the covers. he was still trying to argue with you when you removed his hat, placed it at his bedside and then gently kissed his forehead and wished him a good nap. it was a little ironic just how much your boss felt like an uncontrollable younger sibling, but you would never say it to his face as you enjoyed the use of your unfractured limbs.

you tiptoed your way out of the apartment and the building, despite being fairly certain that not even an earthquake could disturb his slumber, with parts and pieces of your plan coming together. what you said was true, you did need to take care of those surviving executives. but you didn't really need the black lizard.

you only needed him.

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tachihara heard a gentle cocking of the gun as you glanced in his direction, waiting confirmation that he was indeed ready to storm the facility. you had managed to track down the runaways and corner them in their hideout, and decided you'd call for "backup"; you asked hirotsu for someone who was good with guns and mid-range fighting, since you knew that if you didn't specify, you might end up with the other commander of the black lizard. you didn't like leaving things to chance.

you tilted your head to the side, giving the signal for him to go ahead and sneak down the next hallway. he was eerily good on his feet, light steps as if he were made to be a spy. you did a lot of infiltration work on chuuya's behalf (his face - rather, his short frame - were too easily recognizable on the streets), and every second got you thinking of ways to subtly suggest to him that he provide backup once more on any one of your numerous infiltration missions.

for his part, tachihara didn't seem to be noticing all the coincidences lately. he didn't appear particularly deft or clueless, just indifferent as if he truly couldn't care less. instead of a faint pang in the backrooms of your heart, you felt a sense of challenge, like it was your mission to get him to fall for you because the good things in life are worth fighting for. besides, where's the fun in it if he wasn't playing hard to get?

the mission went by in a blur. you mimicked his mannerisms, ensuring that your movements were perfectly synced with his so that your gunshots felt more like a dance, synchronized bullet ballet. when all was done and the bodies were dropped, you shot him a faint smile.

he raised a brow, perplexed at your joy among the sea of blood, but you began clutching at your chest like he'd shot you with his glare and he chuckled a little bit. you could've sworn you fell in love with him all over again.

"say, I was wondering..." you thought out loud as you crouched down to the body of the target, pulling out a knife from your calf, "are you new? in the port mafia, I mean. I've been here ages and I don't think I would've forgotten someone who shoots like you do."

leaning on the wall while he watched you carve out their skin, peeling off a specific section that had their organization's signature tattoo, tachihara scoffed. "what's it to you?"

"just makin' small talk, don't get your panties in a twist sweetheart," you snickered, albeit screaming a little internally; you didn't expect him to be so resistant. you bagged the proof you needed to show your boss that you got the job done, then rose back to your feet. "alright, we're done here. thanks for the backup."

"wasn't like it was my choice," he rolled his eyes, although you didn't sense any true irritation in his voice. good, this is good, you can work with that.

"wasn't your choice, huh?" you repeated to yourself out loud. "how 'bout this, then: I'm gonna go grab a drink, so it'd be your choice if ya wanted to tag along, no?"

he murmured something about being busy and you tried not to let him see you frown as you walked out.

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this was your fifth "coincidence".

coincidentally, tachihara ended up needing to hand-deliver a message to chuuya, but you coincidentally bumped into him and promised to pass it on. he looked at you a bit suspiciously, but didn't say anything.

coincidentally, you were out drinking with hirotsu on the same day he was going to join the old man. you wouldn't go so far as to say that you played a part in the veteran's sudden diarrhea that left you two alone, but then again it was quite odd that you slipped some sort of substance in his drink right before. not that anyone saw, of course.

coincidentally, weeks of coincidences paid off. every time you'd run into him, need the black lizard or the other way around, he was starting to loosen up. you had a number of inside jokes and he spoke a little more on missions.

this time, you had to go negotiate with a foreign organization from which you imported an important number of your firearms. chuuya was available to go, but you pleaded with him to let you do this on your own, making up some lie about how sending an underling instead of an executive would show them that they are not the ones in control. he seemed skeptical but let you go.

soon afterwards, you whipped out your phone to dial his number.

"it's so unfair!" you complained to tachihara, groaning loudly as you combed through your closet for the right outfit for the occasion. "like I get it, he's busy and all, but dumping a mission on me last minute? sheesh, that's a cheap move, especially from chuuya. I've got 2 hours to figure out what the fuck I'm going to say to these people."

you left the phone on speaker while you pressed dresses against your figure, glancing in the mirror to see if it was the right one. "and it's a big organization, too! I have no idea what I'm going to do if things go south except get my brains blown out."

lies. if things went south, you would easily be able to make your way out unscathed. you were the right hand woman to a port mafia executive, not a scared little girl, but he didn't need to know that right now.

"would'ya like me to tag along? if they see one person, it might look like you were sent as a sacrifice, but if we're two, they'll know we mean business," he offered, as planned. you pumped your fists in the air and contained a squeal.

"hm? oh, you don't need to do that, tachi," you said softly, sliding out of your clothes and into your form-fitting outfit, making sure to check out your ass and reaffirm that you looked stunning. "wait! I'm just kidding," you giggled playfully, "it would mean a lot if you did. thanks."

he chuckled the faintest amount, and you made plans for when and where to meet. you told him that it was a high-end restaurant, so he'd need to wear something fancy enough to blend in, but of course the high-end restaurant was your idea. you'd planned it all in advance, setting up a corner in the back of a place that the mafia had under their thumb and inviting the organization there.

a date, it was a date, and it didn't matter if he didn't know it.

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"you look stunning, dear." he grabbed your hand and kissed the back of it, looking up with soft eyes you'd never have expected. he pulled out a seat for you and called the waiter to get you a cold glass of water.

unfortunately, "he" was the executive from the other organization, not tachihara.

awkwardly, your plus one stood in the corner with the rest of the guards, shooting you occasional glares that basically screamed, "why did I volunteer to do this, again?" you just laughed internally and told yourself that you'd take him out again as a way to make up for it, which was your goal all along. you adored it when all the pieces fell into place.

the negotiations were flawless. the man across the table from you seemed to be very willing to cooperate, and you figured his slight cracks at flirting might've been a part of it. the other part was that he looked positively jet lagged and you might've put a little something in his wine to mellow him out. you were sure he would've reached the same conclusion if he was sober, this was just a harmless little nudge in the right direction.

"10% increase on the price for a 20% increase on the quantity of firearms imported, then," you reiterated, smiling sweetly at him while he agreed to double what someone in their right mind would ask for. "lovely doing business with you, sir. I'm glad this didn't have to escalate."

he smiled softly, offering you his hand to help you up then nodding his head towards the exit so his goons would follow him out. you looked at the piece of paper he'd slid into your palm, a phone number etched into it, then watched him looking back at you with a wink. for a moment, you could've sworn you'd almost forgotten about tachihara.

"that was boring as fuck," he strolled over to you, clicking his tongue as he complained about his feet hurting from standing there for so long, saying that he wouldn't have worn a goddamn suit and tagged along if he knew all he would be doing is watching you flirt with some guy."

"that," you stressed, pocketing the number but trying not to think about it, "was not flirting. if I was whoring myself out for the mafia, believe me I'd put myself down with my own hand."

"oh yeah? brave words for a woman with a dress that tight on her ass," he scoffed, crossing his arms before he realized what he'd just said.

"tachi, you lookin' at my ass?"

he seemed at a loss for words, huffing angrily as he walked out and you laughed to yourself. he was so cute when he got angry.

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tachihara michizou was not an idiot.

he, however, did not know what to make of your behaviour towards him.

all these run-ins, all your conveniently-timed missions where you were down one person, every text you seemed to send at the perfect time. he knew your gaze lingered on him and he knew that you wore that dress for him, but he couldn't be sure about it.

confirmation came when he was casually chatting with chuuya over drinks.

"my damn subordinate has been so fucking weird lately," the executive slurred, gesturing for another glass while he toyed with the empty one. "reminds me of that fucking dazai... always plotting some kind of shit..."

"she sounded kind of pissed with you 'cause of that last gig with the firearms dealers," he retorted before downing his shot and slamming his fist on the counter out of adrenaline. "since you dumped it on her."

"huh?! the fuck you mean, dump it on her? she was practically beggin' me for that job, said she didn't want any backup either. I'm telling you, tachi, that chick's gone mad."

so it was a lie, when you called him, complaining. he wondered what else was a lie, but then he wondered why you would lie about that.

as if on cue, a message popped up on his phone with your name on it.

"are you free tonight?"

so he wasn't imagining things. for some reason, it got his heart beating, thinking about the fact that someone would do that for him. but, before he could respond, another ping:

"I got shot sorry lol I have no idea why I made it sound like I was asking you out. could you bring a first aid kit or something? thanks a ton!!"

he concluded on the fact that you were confusing, and that he wouldn't say anything about it, especially since you probably think you're incredibly slick about it. instead, tachihara excused himself from a very drunk chuuya and said he had to go.

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"ow, ow, ow! fuck, why don't you just pour the whole damn bottle on there, while you're at i- fuck!"

the whining was hard. you had to do it manually, making sure you actually sounded like you were in pain when really, your "fever" was from all the heat of feeling tachihara's hands on you as he dabbed the wound.

ironically enough, this wasn't planned. you genuinely did fuck up, the man you never called seemed to want revenge because he sent a few people to kidnap you. you only got grazed while you took care of all the henchmen, but it still hurt like a little bitch.

he was the first place your mind went to, as always. you managed to get yourself home but you couldn't reach the spot on the bottom of your ribcage where it sliced open without feeling a lot of pain.

and so, you just turned it into an opportunity to get him in your house, sitting on your couch, his hands on your skin that was barely covered by your shirt. the alcohol he was pouring onto the wound hurt but you couldn't feel anything except pure ecstacy.

"say, you're not bad at this," you fake winced as he pinched the skin together and just put a bunch of superglue on it. "you got... gah, you got experience as a medic or somethin'?"

"how exactly did this happen?" he ignored your question and instead helped you up slightly so he could wrap the bandages around your torso.

"remember the guy from the other night? well, he gave me his number and I never called, so he got butthurt and sent some goons to fuckin' kidnap me. or kill me, I'm not sure. I didn't really pause to ask 'em."

he looked as if he almost didn't believe you, pulling down your shirt and gently tapping on the spot he bandaged. "there, you're all set."

"thanks again," you smiled at him, groaning a bit as you sat upright. "I know it's late and you were probably doing some other shit."

then a slight pause. "if you want to crash on my couch instead of walkin' home, I don't mind."

the walk wasn't long, and he didn't feel tired at all, but he didn't tell you that. he just helped you walk over to your bed then got himself comfortable on your sofa.

you'd never been happier to get shot. maybe the universe was finally on your side, in its own weird way.

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the wound was fully healed and tachihara was yours.

it was the perfect excuse to him check on you, to have him come over and stay over as "protection in case someone tries to kill you again". both of you knew your excuse was bullshit, your plotting to get him by your side so painfully obvious now that he was getting closer and closer to you. by the time he was making visits on his own and smiling at you in the hallways at the port mafia, you didn't need to do anything anymore.

it was a wordless confession; both of you walking in the streets at night, going nowhere and not saying much. it was cold and you could see both of your breaths swirling in the air. you blinked and suddenly your faces were close, too close, and your body was leaning in on its own. his lips tasted like something your mind could've never guessed.

nevertheless, you were still addicted.

something about the kiss felt effortless, too. like you didn't need to do anything, say anything to get him to wrap his hands around your hips and pull you in close. this was the way it should be, easy and effortless. like you could wait patiently and he'd fall in love with you all on his own.

"have you seen my holster?" he called out weeks later as you laid down on your couch, reading a book as he looked around for the item.

"it's over here!" you called out, the holster expertly hidden in between the cushions because you wanted him to come over to you and find it. as he walked over to you, watching you wave it while dangling on your finger, a teasing look on your features.

"you're a conniving little shit, you know that?" he sighed with a soft smile, glancing at your hands as you set down the book by your side then sitting by your side. "if you wanna talk to me, you can ask like a regular person, y'know?"

his wide smirk as he looked at you pout, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you fake-sobbed into his chest. "you're so mean, thinking I'm lying!"

he grabbed your chin, gaze directly settling onto you with a look that said not to bullshit him. "you think I don't notice? when you kept bumping into me, us getting paired up on missions, even that time you said chuuya 'dumped' that job on you? yeah, you're cute but you're not a great liar."

you furrowed your brows. "if you knew, why didn't you say anything?"

"'cause I wanted you to tell me yourself."

"asshole," you pouted, laughing as you leaned towards him and kissed the tip of his nose. "I just didn't think... never mind, it worked, didn't it?"

he rolled over, laying you down on the couch and settling himself on top of you, making sure you were trapped. "being all cryptic now, aren't we?"

"maybe," you muttered between kisses, wrapping your legs around his hips and pulling him deeper. "... maybe... maybe you were just... I dunno, so pretty, and I thought 'fuck, he'd never go for me' and... I don't know, it's not important..."

"aw, look at you, gettin' all soft 'n mushy," he chuckled into your neck, smiling at your words while his teeth graze the tip of your earlobe. "keep talking 'bout how out of your league that I am."

"oh, shut up," you whispered, grabbing a handful of his hair and bringing his lips back onto yours so he would stop talking. "I'm tryin to open up here, you smug dipshit."

he grinned as his hand went down in between your thighs, parting them and opening up your legs. "I like the sound of that."

you squealed playfully and rolled him over, but the couch wasn't wide enough and you both fell onto the floor with a dull thud and a frenzy of laughter.

"seriously, though," he brushed your hair out of your face and pulled your hips so you were snug on him while you caught your breath and lowered yourself to kiss him again, "you're talkin' nonsense, baby."

"mmn, if you say so," rolled right onto his tongue. you believed his words, or maybe you didn't, but it barely mattered. he was here now, in your arms and telling you everything you wanted to hear. he said that he knew of your antics, yet the truth was that he couldn't do a damn thing about it if he wanted to.

all because you're a mastermind.

[qoldenskies]

Think the biggest thing about the family meeting for me is that it's literally just mean. They sit there berating Donnie until he cries. There's a supposed reason for the meeting, but Raph literally says that they're moving on to "serious talk" when they start discussing his "behavior." That entire segment of them tearing him down is literally just for their enjoyment. It's not vindictive in the way their physical abuse of him is, not as calculated as the closet situation. It's literally them just being flat out fucking mean because they're having fun doing it.

The fact that they especially poke at his autism is devastating. It's painful by itself (one of the biggest things people tend to praise about Rise when it comes to ND rep is that the brothers have literally never treated him as a burden because of who he is), but you've mentioned before that Donnie is really the one who suffers from the ND "my identity belongs to the people" experience. He uses his technology to make up for what he sees as deficits. But he's been told that not only does his "useless junk" not make up for his existence, but they absolutely hate those traits as much as he'd feared. I've always kind of thought that this was an underlying fear he never mentioned in Witch Town, mostly because it feels like a very ND struggle: it wasn't just the thought of being replaced by mystic that scared him, but the thought that all his tech, all his effort, had become not enough to make up for his living. Except in CC he can think back to what April said and think "You were wrong. You were wrong and I'm sorry for everything."

the fact that their words prey on a pre-existing insecurity is what makes it so HARD to undo.... like YES they can convince donnie that they DO love him, and that he didn't deserve to be lied to and hit and gaslit and abused, but the problem is that donnie heard all of these attacks on his character, and his behavior, and his sense of self was so fragile that even with the knowledge of the curse in mind, he continues to BELIEVE what they said is true. there are some moments where he intentionally holds himself back later down the line in CL, but after the final attack especially its so noticeable. he's so much less verbose. he speaks like he's embarrassed to be speaking. they've noted that so much of his cute little verbal quirks are gone and that he doesn't sound like himself.

it's because he's completely embarrassed with himself and what he used to be. he doesn't miss how things were, his grief is long gone; he feels ashamed for living in that illusion that he was in any way accepted, thinking he'd always just been embarrassing himself and his family without knowing it. his confidence was so fragile that it really only took something like the family meeting to DESTROY it; but to be fair, they wouldn't have gotten away with it day one because he is on the default defensive, but the anger had already been squashed completely and he was on to bargaining at that point.

and they knewwww godddd they knew. they all knew!

they watched themselves around him!! they always made sure not to go too far when they made fun of him!!! they understood how quick he was to disappear back into himself when he felt rejected and they worked around it because they loved him!!! they KNEW!!!!!

and the curse makes them take advantage of the fact that they knew!! what's so horrifying about the family meeting is that they KNEW how donnie was going to respond, they KNEW it would break him, and they KNEW they were going to get away with it, and they did it anyway because they thought it was funny.

and i dont even think they planned it out, especially apparent by the way raph ended up shutting it down. leo jumped on the opportunity and they just joined in the moment they got the chance to like sharks smelling blood in the water. it meant nothing to them, it wasn't an intentional, planned choice to get revenge or question his sense of reality. honestly, it was probably just them voicing all the shit they said behind his back (some to april.... yikes), and that's one of the things leo was scared about donnie SEEING because it was probably way more vicious. they had zero filter when they talked ABOUT him, because even through the curse there would still be the natural instinct to protect his feelings.

[stevie-petey]

what about a fun silly little mindless blurb w steve robin and bug at scoops before ch 1? like what was the first time bug stopped in to visit steve like ? did robin instantly take to her ? i need to see my precious babies bond

we technically already see bugs first time meeting robin in chapter 9 of season 2, buuuuut i love em and will extend the scene a bit <3

enjoy !

"slow down! youre running so fast and i just biked here!" you try your best to keep with robin as she drags you through the newly built mall.

"keep up, slowpoke!" robin only tugs at your hand and all you can do is follow.

youve known the girl for all of five minutes and already shes become your new favorite person.

robin drags you to an area close to the entrance where theres a fancy fountain. seemingly content with where shes dragged you to, she finally drops your hand and sits against the fountains ledge. scrunching her face, she looks disapprovingly at the statue. "how come hawkins had enough money for this crap but not for new uniforms for the band kids?"

"youre in band?" you ask the girl as you sit next to her.

"yup," robin nods at you, curious to see what your reaction will be. shes heard a lot about you, everyone in hawkins has. youre the towns sweetheart, and robin knows at least three people in her band group that you helped one way or another throughout the years.

you gasp. "dude, i wouldve done band, but jonathan wanted to do choir instead."

"why didnt you just do what you wanted?" robin asks you, though she knows the answer already.

"band wouldnt have been fun without him, and i do like to sing." you shrug, not really regretful over the decision.

robin stares at you, a slight frown on her face. she seems to almost study you. "youre fascinating, you know that?"

"what do you mean?" you wrap your arms around yourself, suddenly feeling very small.

seeing this, robin is quick to correct herself. shes always been horrible talking to other people; shes the worst at making new friends, and she really, really wants to be your friend. "no! i didnt, uh, mean it in a bad way! i just-well, i mean. shit."

robins panic only makes you forget your anxiety and you nudge your shoulder against hers. "hey, breathe. im not going to like, dunk you into the fountain water."

"thank god," robin exhales, relieved that you dont seem too angry with her. taking a deep breath, she tries again to explain herself. "what i meant was: you took choir for jonathan byers, and yet youre here now with steve harrington. the douchebag."

you frown at robins words. you forget sometimes that so few people see steve how you do. hes far from the boy he used to be, but you know that sometimes its harder to heal wounds from cruel words said during your youth. "i know you dont believe me, but steve isnt so bad."

"hes a dick."

"he used to be, but now he isnt."

robin huffs. "and im just expected to believe you?"

"no," you shrug. "while i understand that steve has changed since you last saw him, i also understand that this change isnt mine to force you to accept."

your words leave robin speechless. its almost annoying how rational youre being about this. how you can balance both steves feelings and hers without making either of them feel lesser for it.

youre a goddamn saint and robin truly has no idea how jonathan or steve have managed to snag you for themselves.

its unfair.

"i..." robin tries to think of something to retaliate with, but she cant. youre right and she hates it. "thats a very frustratingly mature way to look at things."

you shrug again. "it sucks being so mature, i'll admit."

then steve runs up to the two of you and hes panting with exhaustion. "christ," he wheezes out, clutching at his knees as he bends down to try an catch his breath. "you two are fast."

"youre an athlete, harrington." you tug at steves hair and cause him to topple onto the ground, which robin cant help but giggle at. "keep up."

"why do i always end up on the ground when youre around?" steve doesnt even bother to get up.

"because im clearly bigger and stronger than you."

robin pokes your cheek, mollified by your conversation from earlier and by the fact that you just knocked steve harrington to the ground for fun. "dont forget more mature, y/n."

"oh, so much more mature." you agree, smiling at her.

steve sighs from the ground. "this is gonna be a long summer."

"get used to it, dingus," robin nudges the boy with her sneaker and he flinches away, displeased, but this only makes you and robin giggle even more together.

[mundaneblue]

Alien Stage Theory time!!

With Round 7 just around the corner, I felt it fitting to look back on my theories I've gathered so far and very heavily believe in. But my most CRUCIAL one that I always feel like talking about is:

Ivan meant for both him and Till to die in Round 6.

So I am of the opinion that Ivan did NOT plan to do the whole sacrifice at all.

It was spontaneous.

And I have several reasons to back this theory up.

So we all know that ever since Ivan and Till were kids, Ivan had been obsessed with the idea of them escaping together.

He knew Till valued “freedom” and because he did, Ivan started to value it too. But never alone. Only with Till.

Since Ivan went back to Anakt instead of escaping after Till did the same because of the fear of leaving Mizi.

Even in the scene where Ivan finds Till passed out in around 6, he looks helpless, and cradles his face in a “Dont worry, it’ll all end soon” kind of way.

So when Till stops singing and Ivan approaches him to kiss, the kiss was NOT planned.

Now this was the factor that surprised everyone. Even Unsha. It was so unexpected that he wished he knew what Ivan was thinking, but that’s the thing.

Ivan WASNT thinking.

Even Ivan himself was shocked at what he was doing since he had no control over his actions at that moment at all.

And this correlates to ivan's eccentric behaviour. As we know that ever since he was a child, he never really felt like he fit in with his fellow peers. This is very interesting to me as in Black Sorrow we are shown this picture of Ivan being very uninterested in spending time with the kids in his class. He has this mundane look of unamusement.

But as we look at more alien stage content, we see that Ivan was actually one of the most social in his class. Everyone admired him.

This shows that the rounds/videos don't necessarily mean what was infact happening but what the characters themselves felt.

This is also why I believe Ivan and Till were way more closer than what Ivan painted in his rounds. He just never felt the same love from Till, hence his constant inner mantra of wanting Till to look at him.

Now we've gotten that clear!

The main thing I want to deliver is that Ivan is an unreliable narrator. And he doesn't know how to handle his feelings in a methodical way. He has this distortive, almost possessive view when it comes to love and honestly that, to me, is what makes Ivan Ivan.

Ivan doesn't know how to properly think when he's faced with his emotions. He's used to tuning out his emotions to do things. So when his emotions get involved? It's like an electric shock and he relies on the thing closest to him to hold on to.

And that thing is Till.

Ivan was obsessed with Till. I'm sure we all know that but people really undermine his determination when it comes to Till.

I really do believe that Ivan planned for both him and Till to die in R6 as an ode to their longing for freedom.

Because all Ivan ever wanted was to be free with Till.

The counter statements that suggest he wasn't choking Till and merely had his hands on him simply doesn't sit with me as the animation clearly showed Ivan's hands clenching hard as he progressed to choke him.

Look at the dent formed by Ivan's fingers on his neck, right at the crucial point of air supply.

And Till is shocked but as he's gradually losing air, his eyes start to get heavy and he gets ready to accept the darkness that follow

And while Ivan is getting shot, he chokes him even harder.

Because that IS his goal.

For Till and him to die so they'd be together in whatever life that follows hereafter.

I disagree when I hear that Ivan meant to sacrifice himself for Till. Yes that did happen at the end but it was never what he initially intended. His initial intent was far more dark and possessive. Which is very on brand for a Vivinos character.

However, now we're getting to the sacrifice part and I believe this is where Ivan had a turning point.

As he gets his final shot and basically sees he's about to die, he looks at Till in surprise.

Because no matter how much he wished for them both to be together, he can't kill his God. He can't kill his Universe. Ivan is possessive but Ivan is also weak when it comes to him.

This smile of his shows that sentiment. "Ah I really can't go through with it afterall"

Ivan always believed he and Sua were similar but he resented her for sacrificing herself for Mizi. He believed he was better than that. He won't ever do that. Wherever Till goes, he goes. Yet, when he was actually faced with the task of doing it, he finally realised what Sua felt. Because Sua, just like Ivan, was also quite possessive of Mizi.

He couldn't do it, and at that moment he knew that he and Sua really weren't so different. Only difference was that while Sua was loved, felt love. Ivan never felt it.

Ivan did everything for Till. He stayed at Anakt for Till. He pursued alien stage for Till.

And his last act was also for Till. He wanted his last action to be for himself, to finally grant his long due wish of being with Till but he couldn't do it. And while the sacrifice was spontaneous, it was just so...easy to do. Because again, Ivan thought Till never cared as much about him as he did (abandonment issues at their finest) so him dying wouldn't really affect him as much.

This makes Ivan so much more tragic for me. And this heavily fits him as a complex character.

"Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions."

When were you or your feelings ever shallow, Ivan...

[doubletrucks]

chatting below the cut as i am wont to do

i've been thinking a lot about the When you get out of survival mode and start healing you'll find yourself in the worst mental state of your life but you have to be Goo to be a butterfly thing and it's true but also not true because i would not say i am doing Bad like compared to places i have been before i am actually doing So Good and generally i feel good about life and my future (american political situation notwithstanding but thats a different post) but it is deeply exhausting and difficult and upsetting to finally start unpacking how deep everything goes and how much my brain has been warped by 20 years of trauma and abuse like it feels never ending and it lowkey is like i'm going to carry this forever.... and that's fine i know it will get easier. it already has, in some ways, but also oh my godddd what do you mean this is just what i have to deal with every day for the rest of my life. but many people have dealt with the same things and built beautiful lives for themselves and loved and had fulfilling careers and that's very comforting.... but the getting there and the breaking out of feeling like a terrified child at all times is hard like i am literally actively trying to rewrite the way my brain works!! that's crazy!!! and i'm also working and going to school like it gets to a point.... but we move..... it makes me feel annoying and self centered though also like oh there goes mr fucked up childhood talking about his fucked up childhood again 🙄 but like it seriously underscores every single thing i do and feel and think like I PROMISE I DONT LIKE IT EITHER!!! i wish this was not my lot in life but it is so... and now that i've accepted that it's like sooo on my mind. anyway. i promise i have a real journal but it's different sometimes i need to say things in a way that feels less one sided.... lowkey i think it not being one single degree with what feels like 2 hours of sunlight every day will also help. but for now we simply have to ball under these circumstances

[conceptofjoy]

what do u think of dirk n hals Gender Situation given 10 or 20 years? if they ever finally settle down their various identity issues etc

......... great question..

dirk's masculine gender identity is fucking fascinating and there's always something new to consider when i look at it at a different angle. and i mean this also goes for bro too. like gender is a very complex thing in homestuck with many metaphors physical or thematical littered about. Dirk specific gender identifiers are lil cal (empty), being seen as cherry red (either failing at those standards or admired for achieving them), and bro-ism which in this instance is often interchanged with heroism.

canonically in caliborn's masterpiece, after dirk seals caliborn away into cal, and lets cal and arq go, homie has straight up lost all the signifiers he's identified with and is left in his pink god tier outfit. literally forced to reckon with the fact that he is a gay man, and how that actually may be way better than the alternative that he was trying so desperately to be seen as. idk there was a series of posts i made about it a month or so ago. this is like, the final realization dirk has in the comic. i mean i dunno about specifics of labels, but gay and genderqueer is like the basic all encompassing ones. to be honest most homestuck characters fall under this extremely broad category, as queerness is a huge underlying theme.

a dirk that doesn't immediately go through caliborn's masterpiece learns this the loooong way. cis guy-> trans guy (refuses to acknowledge this during the session but slowly gets it towards the end of 3 year voyage. will NOT say he is trans through his lips though.) and then shit just stagnates there. i think it depends on his environment, but 5+ years (depends on who he surrounds himself with. if its no one, he is COOKED.) is about the time needed to have those same revelations.

and then there's hal........ arq is one of them brightly colored gendersonas. like what swimz said, arq sacrificed her continued existence for her friends. i dont think arquius ever gave her gender a name because of how thoroughly she embodied it by her self love/ the joy she felt for being alive. it was already said by her existing. hal getting a body vs hal getting a body after being arquius r people who understand vastly different amounts of things about themselves.

a hal sans arq brain meld has a silent kind of depressive acceptance about them. yeah i got a body, things feel better, but it feels like there could be more i could be doing for myself right now, however do i really need it? umm sandpaper floor room esque. trying to figure out what to do with herself after getting less than the bare minimum of being a person. would take a bit to realize she can be a girl.

hal post arq brain meld. holy FUCKING shit i can feel like that?? suddenly no longer arquius's confident persona and is kind of freaking out about the various implications. there would be an amount of time where she falls into a depression, however tries to bring herself up back to that point because a part of her who was arquius knows she deserves it. she would over think the gender thing though, ok yes im a girl, BUUUTTT -etc etc-. almost for the same exact reasons why dirk is attached to those bro-isms. she was supposed to. red girl struggle. again, idk the specifics, gay and genderqueer is hella broad.

i do think hal is fem aligned and more confidently can call herself a girl over time, and dirk can finally wear pink without thinking about it and wanting to decapitate himself.

[gothicada]

ꜰɪᴠᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀᴄʟᴇꜱ

ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ⬎

ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇᴇʀ/ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ ꜰᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ꜰɪɴᴀɴᴄᴇ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴅ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ ꜱᴇx

⟶ ꜰɪᴠᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀᴄʟᴇꜱ ᴜᴘʀɪɢʜᴛ

ʚїɞ ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ ⟶ upright, the five of pentacles can mean someone who is unfortunate, or someone who is unlucky and gets over-whelmed easily. it could speak about feeling/being insecure, divorces and break-ups, this card brings much scandal.

ʚїɞ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴄᴇ ⟶ for romance, the five of pentacles is about being lonely, breaking up with someone or being depressed in a relationship. if you're asking if you should get into a relationship, or get into a relationship with someone in specific, the card is saying no because it will be a difficult process and relationship.

ʚїɞ ᴄᴀʀᴇᴇʀ/ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ ⟶ for a career reading, the five of pentacles upright is about getting a lower grade, losing a job or getting kicked out of a school. it could be said that there could be drama that happens, you losing something in the place, or whatever project you're doing can make you feel depressed.

ʚїɞ ꜰᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ⟶ in a future reading, the five of pentacles is about losing money, getting sick. feeling unwelcomed or lonely. this card upright can mean material loss, getting into drama feeling like everyone is alienating you. going through a break up or hearing someone going through a divorce.

ʚїɞ ꜰɪɴᴀɴᴄᴇ ⟶ five of pentacles upright in a finance reading, is a clear reading that you could be losing money, being scammed. someone not giving you your money back. could be warning you to not spend the money you have, being unemployed, not a comfortable position for sure.

ʚїɞ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ for feelings, the five of pentacles is about feeling lonely, they might feel like it is hard to reach out to you, and they feel hopeless. they could feel guarded around you as well, they might feel like they do nothing right for you.

ʚїɞ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ not really a good card to get when it comes to someone's feelings, could mean they dont really want to do anything with you. could build a wall around themselves which could make it hard to communicate with you. you being treated with no care and being someone who is alienated, might like to spend time with other people.

ʚїɞ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ interesting card to get when you ask how someone could perceive you, because this could mean they see you as someone who could bring down the fun. someone who is kept to themselves, and they might think of you as someone who is not their type. but depending what other cards you get, it could mean they dont want to lose you.

ʚїɞ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴅ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ ⟶ as a person, the five of pentacles is someone who could be seen as unlucky, might not have the best income and doesnt know how to change their unlucky circumstance. they're usually overstimulated and over-whelmed and needs someone to reach out to.

ʚїɞ ꜱᴇx ⟶ not good sex.

⟶ ꜰɪᴠᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀᴄʟᴇꜱ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴇᴅ

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ ⟶ reversed, the five of pentacles can be considered as a good omen, it could be about feeling welcomed, accepted, letting go of things and people who are not good for you, making progress for your projects and improvement in your finances.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴄᴇ ⟶ this can go two ways, if you're someone who wants to get into a relationship it could mean being accepted by someone, or finally letting go of someone you used to be in a relationship with. this can also mean you being someone who opens up more to accept other people into your life.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ᴄᴀʀᴇᴇʀ/ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ ⟶ in this setting, the five of pentacles in reverse could mean a project being done that was difficult is coming to an end. and if you are someone who is looking for another job or university, you likely will have good luck.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ꜰᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ⟶ in reverse, the five of pentacles mean about everything getting better. it could be about becoming employed and seeing positive changes happening in your life. in reverse, the five of pentacles can be about accepting yourself and other people.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ꜰɪɴᴀɴᴄᴇ ⟶ in reverse in a finance reading, it could speak about your finances getting better, someone giving you money, and if you have a side business it could be about the business going good and that you will find stability soon.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ for a feelings reading, they could feel better about you, could mean you are someone who can help them recover, they would feel like the two of you have gone through so much together. might've had a bad feeling about you in the past and now its better.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ stereotypical, "could be learning" to be better with you. could be someone who treats you like a therapy case or they treat you like their therapist. can insinuate that they would prize you and keep you really close to them, you could be their anchor.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ⟶ could mean they could perceive you to be someone who has gone through a lot. someone who is recovering, getting to a better mind place. could think of you to be someone who is very welcoming to other people, and someone who stays loyal to your word.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴅ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ ⟶ as a person, this is someone who is getting a better financially, could be someone who is forgiving and doesnt like it when other people are left out. being someone who is accepting their trauma and is going through healing. coming back to the social life, interacting with other people, helping others or being helped.

ʚїɞ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀꜱᴀʟ ꜱᴇx ⟶ good card to get in reverse, this means it'll be a really shared experience, the sex putting the both of you in a good mood. this card in reverse can insinuate that one party could be really focusing on the other party's pleasure. make-up sex.

ʚїɞ ɴᴇxᴛ ⟶ ꜱɪx ᴏꜰ ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀᴄʟᴇꜱ

ʚїɞ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ⟶ ꜰᴏᴜʀ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀᴄʟᴇꜱ

[psychabolition]

saw ur post about wanting asks

what is ur thoughts on the aspd or maybe cluster b community in general on social media/tumblr? what about cluster b influencers?

honestly I feel like aspd is a diagnosis that most people reject since the reason people get diagnosed with it is that you dont feel bad about an extreme deviancy from societal norms. why would you accept a diagnosis that pathologizes that?Wheres the benefit in that? Especially bc its often in a setting that also criminalizes you and is very obviously forced onto you and thus unwanted (court mandated therapy).

Thats why its always fascinating to me who the demographic of people actually are that accept that diagnosis for themselves and actually view themselves and their experiences the same way their therapists/psychology tells them to. Who finds comfort in this extremely stigmatizing label and the inhumane treatment it accompanies and why ?

I think its mostly people who first found comfort in other labels that are less stigmatizing via the usual "relief of shame that comes with saying that its a disease causing us to not be able to do something that is expected societally instead of feeling like we ARE a bad person for thinking/feeling/doing 'bad/immoral things' and then also accepting an aspd diagnosis as fitting afterwards. Also fitting into several pathologizing labels (=diagnoses) in the first place also means that youve probably experienced more violence (psychiatric abuse/child abuse/social ostracization/patriarchal violence/racism/...) and had/have less community to help you through it and thus also were then less able to find identity and language for the way that youre different from others through a community and a non-conformist way of living together, than others did who might only get labelled w aspd. the social ostracization/lack of community an thus lack of language for our experiences then also makes you more susceptible to accepting an aspd diagnosis since after (self) diagnosis you finally have words for the ways that you deviate from neuronormativity.

But to me the aspd label is the worst possible lens through which we can of interpret our own norm deviancy, honestly. you really notice that with cluster b influencers in general where its really obvious that they think theyre evil irredemable people. Like when they say extremely dehumanizing things about themselves like: "I need supply from people to function otherwise I crash!". they would benefit greatly from trying to humanize their experiences and getting rid off this pathologization that they internalized. I cant even imagine what it means for their personal life to actually say all these things about themselves and others that all literally convey that they are people that are not to be trusted . like they legit say things like "all my relationships are transactional, I use people for my own benefit and I cant feel love for anyone" and expect their friends to still like them? LOL. Like I mean I ALSO fit the aspd criteria haha dont get me wrong but its the worst most dehumanizing way to interpret your own experiences.

though generally I think ppl who are labelled w cluster B PDs are all awesome and I can only hope for all of us that we find new non-stigmatizing depathologized language for ourselves and community through which we can find a real meaningful identity , acceptance and support in our norm-deviancy outside of pathologization via psychology and also healing through a community that holds emotional space and understanding for the abuse and ostracization that we have faced in the past and shows solidarity in our present struggles. I think especially people labelled w aspd are cool as fuck since ,to me, we are literally born anarchists. I often think about what difference it would make if we all got radicalized politically - all psych wards would burn immediatly . Pathologizing us is always a means of trying to neutralize dissent and resistance to the social order. This is why we're perceived as a threat in the first place, because we are one.

Thanks for the ask. I'd love to hear other anti psych opinions on the aspd /cluster b community !

[naughtynoodle056]

oh wtf did they mean by that like .. your characters are obviously Black - you could post just the lineart and it'd be obvious??

okay first of all I LAUGHED when I read this ask because I literally feel the exact same way, but allow me to take you and the rest of my followers on this journey that has made me decide I'm a villain now. Buckle up, this post will be lengthy xD.

Person (not artist) confused my OC Shay (the girl right next to Leo) for my OC Xander (the boy on the far left). I got really frustrated because I chose Shay to sit next to Leo in this piece SPECIFICALLY to drive home the contrast in weight and that even though Shay is in a baggyish hoodie, you can still tell she's slim compared to Leo.

I asked if I was just going crazy or if these people mixing them up werre either 1) visually impaired somehow or looked at this for 0.2 seconds because these are obviously not the same person?? an IRL said that Xander and Shay looked too similarly because of their hair and body type and SKIN TONE and I was like. First of all, 2000s emo kids often had similar hair, that's kind of the fucking point here. Second of all, Shay is obviously shorter and skinny and Xander is CLEARLY on the chubbier sie, so what the fuck are you yapping about? and FInally. SKIN COLOR??? SKIN COLOR??????

Here is this same exact piece but with the lighting effects turned off. Just loud and wrong as fuck

So aforementioned artist offers their constructive criticism that was this

and like no offense but the longer I thought about it the more pissed off I got because first of all,

I LITERALLY DO????? and second of all and the reason I'm evil now is that they don't. RECENTLY they actually drew a black person, but it was still a frustratingly ambiguously black person.

Like what does this even mean bro my art style is like ALL SHAPES?? Like I'm really glad you said what you said in this ask because you're so right, you CAN tell my characters are black or otherwise POC just by the lineart. You cannot do that with the artist that gave that criticism. and then they doubled down when people called them out on how wack of a criticism it was and that they were wrong. I won't be naming them by name publicly because like I said before, I will look like the smaller bitter artist that can't take criticism from this BIG POPULAR WELL MEANING artist, but it felt like they were throwing stones from a glass house at a BRICK ONE.

I was also told my art "has a lot of potential" which is the polite way of saying "your art is mid", generally speaking lmaO.

At the end of the day, it felt like they were making huge sweeping judgements of my art and offering criticsm that was like?? unwarranted and felt more like them outting themselves as never giving my art more than just a passing glance because I dont draw 800+lb fatties constantly. Which is fine, you don't have to look at my art. But don't fucking give me criticism that not only doesn't apply to me, but you don't even follow yourself. Its kind of like if an abled bodied artist who NEVER draws anyone with visible disabilities told a visibly disabled artist that DOES draw a myriad of disabled folks in a loving way that they aren't doing enough and then doubling down with "All criticism is fair critism".

I don't think I'm the best artist in the world or in this kink community, but I know one thing for sure. I'm one of the most consistent at drawing black people in a way that's obvious and with lots of love, so don't you EVER fucking imply I don't do enough while your black people just look like color pallete swaps. Don't come for me on that regard if you have never drawn afro textured hair. And no, I WON'T just roll over and accept that "most feedists favor white or pale eastern asain people". I'd rather die a niche artist who actually gives a shit about representation than to just grovel to people that would not respect me because of my race.