#dont be afraid of influence!
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just read the new mutants issue where Charles chose to stay behind in space and my god the juxtaposition between Charles trusting Erik and Erik joining the hellfire club and wondering at his own trust worthiness. I wonder how much of Charles decision was him ultimately trying to avoid the fact that his first class had seemingly betrayed mutant kind and not be willing to face them and how much of it was Dani and Illyana's reaction to him having Karma mind control Illyana. the fact that Illyana was depending on him to ease her mind through limbo and in choosing to stay he forced karma to do it instead, probably fucking up their relationship in the process.
I love him, this is crazy, how much of this is him trying to runaway and how much is this him not trusting himself to fix things and how much is it just him trusting Erik?
i keep trying to put into words my exact thoughts about the sitch but there really is a lot for one issue aintit... oh charles you and your brain...
#snap chats#thats why we have tag rambles AHAHA#ok so to tackle things one at a time charles ultimately deciding to stay in space despite his expressed want to return to earth#obviously it was when lilandra pointed out if her sister took charge of the shi'ar then the universe- earth included- would be in peril#charles notes his position as a losing one: whichever choice he makes he loses#he goes to earth then the universe could be at stake/he stays in space he loses his kids#of course charles COULD just put his faith in the starjammers but is that a risk he wants to take ? evidently not#charles' reoccurring flaw is he's willing to sacrifice personal relationships for the greater perceived good#even lilandra acknowledges this- that charles' homesickness for earth was an inevitability just as she is indebted to protecting the stars#so now his ruptured relationship with illyana and co- esp right after comforting a split illyana last issue#we've seen charles act more coldly/rashly when he's about to lose people (i think of his first death with the og5 mostly)#i mean it's a key part to charles' chara that he doesn't favor mind controlling others and im sure he has the same regard for his students#he's aware of the damage it can do and in this instance- for one reason or another- he orders it to be done regardless#im sure he does this as a form of defense: if his kids are upset with him they won't feel too bad about losing him and it'll be less painfu#obviously we still see sam wish charles farewell and wish for him to come back soon but yk.. worthy attempt..#and it's not as if charles wants them to hate him ENTIRELY.. he's still touched by sam's goodbye no.... fickle man he is..#i dont think charles is totally afraid to confront the og5- its what made him want to return to earth with the nms initially#tho again.. could his decision to stay in the stars be influenced by that? that maybe he ISNT prepared to confront them like he thought?#who's to say... not me i dont got that psych degree yet..#erik being charles' trusted confidant definitely made his decision easier on top of that: i mean is he needed if he has a substitute#i think charles DOES wholly trust erik: charles really doesnt approach his x-men half heartedly. from his pov ofc#if he didn't genuinely believe in erik's potential he wouldn't have picked him; hes a comforting thought when charles decides to depart#'although i'm gone erik understands me and my goals enough to continue my work as good as i would have so i have nothing to worry about'#which. yk. makes the whole White King thing kinda awkward VJAELVJEAKL charles you fool#i have no idea how this saga ends though... tbh im only on ish 45 of NM i just read 50 and 51 to get context for this ask#so i can only wait and see how this saga turns out... once i finish reading house of m/secret invasion stuff jvLKEJKA#idk im tired and rambling dont pay attention to me.. ramblin bout charles' brain is a good day for me regardless if i make sense jVLAJ
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i want to put link in isat. im sure hed do fine. the heros spirit endures
#my post#i was gonna say like. 'probably not the worst thing the heros spirit has endured.' but actually#man. idk. ppl like to say majoras mask is super dark. i think bc ur constantly faced with tragedy in a very direct way#zelda is usually slightly less in your face abt that stuff. mm crosses the line for that juust enough for it to be Particularly Notable#loz generally isnt afraid to address the Horrors. or at least acknowledge them#i dont mean this in a 'mm is darkest zelda' or whatever kind of way. (see jacob gellers video 'every zelda is the dsrkest zelda')#i mean it as like. mm is just louder about it#yknow. but is mm is speaking loudly then. if u put isat next to loz then it would drown mm out quite easily#in large part bc the story is just told differently#the characters are much more expressive in every way. bc the story is being told through expression#whereas loz tells stories specifically via player action#if that makes sense?#loz focuses on the journey. isat focuses on how the journey feels#not to mention links permanent 😶. which definitely influences this#honestly link as a general character (tho especially botw link) is very similar to siffrin. im not gonna try to put that into words rn but#maybe another time#anyways. if isat were told more like a zelda game i think it would be along mm and botw#i say those 2 specifically bc time loop and death and loss. lol#if the reverse were true. if loz ganes were told more like isat. then god dude i dunno#i might go through the plots of each and measure out how much i think the bitch(link) is Going Through It sometime#not rn. but sometime#initial gut thoughts tho. i think probably oot sksw la andd. possibly ww. wojld have similar emotional impact#sksw especially. have you seen his face when he sees zelda in the crystal thing. god#id say botw too but tbh. i kind of think its emotional impact is best as is.#it leaves itself a lot of room to breathe. you can rlly like. think abt it.#man these tags are off topic from the original post. eh its my post who care
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internet not big enough...saw what is unmistakably his art style and felt like vomiting. it's crazy how someone can continue to poison you even after years of being blocked.
#delete later#I'm starting to spiral. remembering how fucking manic and manipulative and selfish he was.#i hate my past self so bad for not being more firm about my boundaries. for not telling him to fuck off. i deleted so many times.#and he just kept coaxing me into remaking. always saying that it was up to me...but never shutting the fuck up about it until I came back.#did he feel good for love-bombing a bad artist? why did I accept his fake ass affection even though he was super shitty and gross & chaotic#I deleted those art folders years ago but i cant make my own memories go away. i feel disgusting when i think about him.#i feel like i cant breathe and im scared he'll use his own clout against me again to get what he wants until its not fun and then lash out#I know it's irrational but the fear always remains. I hated a lot of preds in that fandom and didnt want the platform or exposure.#I live by the block button still. I don't trust new people still. I hide still. I fucking hate him and myself for enabling his tantrums.#It's not just a bad friendship breakup...he had actual power and influence over everything i did and lied about who he was.#yeah im still scared#I've been doing really well this year about not thinking about him but like#i still dont want to make or post art for that fandom because it makes me panic that hes gonna do some crazy shit or find me or something#im barely even embarrassed by how annoying i used to be because the fear of him lashing out is so much worse#BUT ITS GONE! HES GONE! SO WHY AM I STILL SO FUCKING AFRAID OF WHAT HES GOING TO DO OR SAY IF I POST NEW ART
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hey, you! yes, you! are you about to HUMANIFY that TRIANGLE? WHOA THERE!
I respect your zeal but this is actual VERY UNHEALTHY and MAKES TRIANGLES VERY SAD!
as you can see from my diagram here this process makes the traignel SAD which is NOT SEXY. please be responsible in the future!!!!
#sorry... not to be stereotypical... but this WAS a weed influenced decision...#im afraid to put this in the main tags#this is not fucking. commentary. on anytrhing#i just have idea in my mind and i am forcing you to see them#this is not my first insane weed induced bill based shitpost and it wont be my last#to clarify onclerbill is having a cry not a saucy little tongue moment#because he is sad#he can be sexy and also sad i guess this is allowed i dont make the rules#but u need to accept the consequences of ur actions
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i've tried everything, different ways, different times, different places. i just can't seem to find my passion for writing back.
#writers block my ass this shit has been going on for years#you love going around telling people that you write when in truth you haven't written anything in ages#i don't even consider myself a writer anymore because it feels wrong to call it that#everything i put out is influenced by something. ifeel like i can never truly be original#a few shitty pieces i wrote at the peak of a fixation don't really count because i've abandoned them too#yes i've written them but im so afraid to associate them with my name#how does one hate what they create so much#yet still want to create#when will it be satisfying?#when will i be like yeah. i like this. i made this. this is mine.#i dont think the problem is language either like sure it can be improved but i can't even write in my own language?#i used to love writing in turkish and peopel would praise me for my stories but looking back at it even that wasn't original#it was never mine#it was always about something that affected me#this is sad its just sad.#writing
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yk what i just realized?
i accidentally wrote pandora with a slightly altered version of my issues pvnjkdml
i noticed it but not All of it
#haunted ecosystem#i forget sometimes that the way *i* think it's the norm and thusly i'll write characters that follow my thought patterns and well.#you wind up with a lot of paranoia lol#like i knew i unintentionally made pandora autistic-coded but yeah i also mightve given him the paranoia & delusions & hallucinations too#though the latter was partially influenced it was still like. organic ig? thats terrible phrasing.#unrelated but why is it so hard to find more. non-specific paranoia positivity posts#like i know its a symptom but cmon.#anyways what if i wrote a fic and actually posted it anon. what if i wrote the fic ive been itching to write since the thought came to me#its not even like. questionable. im just afraid of opinions bc it involves a lot of projecting onto a typically 'strong' character#sigh. i probably will write it. probably wont post it.#maybe i'll finish that one fic thats rotting in my docs from the year before last when i last hit rock bottom lol#okay anyways enough talking to myself in the tags#ily whoever reads this i hope you have a good day and please remember its okay to ask for help when you need it. dont be like me
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i dont have to deal with what doesnt serve me. suffering is not noble and i should break things
#hobie brown is a BAD influence#he makes me feel brave and a brave me is... is NOT a familiar thing and im kind of scared of it#i shouldnt be brave i should not be brave and i dont know why i shouldnt be but im very very afraid of it#we dont have time to unpack all of that!#talking tag
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much of this website needs to hear this. OK you have some kind of race trauma, whatever, just tell people you don't have the bandwidth to explain why it bothers you when they xyz. if they're decent that will suffice. but point them to idk bell hooks or whoever! it is unfortunately a reality of how knowledge works that it is the job of SOMEONE who knows to eventually educate whoever doesn't. especially in this climate where most of this knowledge is increasingly paywalled, and you're often talking to people from countries where it doesn't matter to daily life.
you don't have to personally write them an encyclopedia, but isn't the hoarding of knowledge by people with money like a focal point of your activism anyways? you fight that by pirating media and sharing it, and by telling people who say some shit that hey did you know it's not nice to say that?
we protect kids because they're vulnerable, because they don't know things, but it is very possible as an adult not to know those same things too. why does the leftism physically leave so many peoples bodies the second someone is old enough for a strong, misguided geopolitical take to feel threatening to people's limbic system?
what's tim from accounting gonna do, vote for a fascist? how do you know he even votes? are they gonna count his vote? does his vote even matter in a system with an electoral college, like america has? come on now.
Hey I don't know who needs to hear this, but kids who were never taught about a subject acting like the subject they never heard about doesn't exist aren't active participants in its erasure. They are the people the erasure has been done to. Of course you know what's been done to people like you, but attacking kids about it is like beating a dog for being domesticated.
If it's "not your job to educate people", then I'm curious to know what exactly are you doing in the activism you say you're doing.
#none of this “im a poc you wouldnt understand”#i was a fuck with on sight minority in three countries i do understand#people do that because theyre afraid of your influence on their society#based on idk some racist newspaper cartoon or propaganda or whatever#idk about you but having grown up in a country where communism really did manage to soften some really ancient slavery based ethnic tensions#maybe treating all people like theyre people unless you absolutely have to fight them is a good idea#i promise you never have to fight anyone on this website#this website full of children#again you do not have to do work you cannot do#but dont fuck it up for the people who can do it by scaring people off from seeing whoever youre crusading for as human#yelling at them about things they cannot change and did not start and actively want to end is like the most reliable way to do that
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#i almost have enough in amazon gift cards to buy one for free so. considering the possibility#i miss reading but like. i dont really like doing it on my phone#and im also not gonna buy/loan library books at this point bc that involves leaving my house WAY too much#so yeah#all the new year goal videos are influencing me im afraid#it seems so nice though? and like maybe id read like i used to?#anyway! love u <3#polls#rebeccaspeaks
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I & my colleague was just having a random conversation with one of the attachment students this morning...for some reason, we just started the 'back in my day' conversation out of nowhere & both of us just suddenly stopped talking & looked at each other intensely...like wow we're at that age now?
#we're not even laughing...we just stare at each other like prolly 5 second#& went on lamenting over the fact we start to mirror our “seniors”#*when yo asian seniority culture hit you hard*#this is the reason why i try to watch out how I speak to my younger colleagues#although I believe seniority culture is not as strong in my country#i live in this culture so am also not immune to its influence#& sometimes im afraid one day I might become more like the entitled 'seniors' without even realizing it#asian people problem#dont mind me just going in too deep with self reflection#might delete later...or not#random ramblings#myself
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Sometimes a rare pair suddenly becoming moderately popular kinda sucks
#like idk one person's view of the ship influences another person#and suddenly you just have carbon copies of this one ship dynamic that is just#not good??#idk dont have the energy to explain it#the ship was better five years ago when lole 10 people shipped it#and they weren't afraid to write interesting stuff
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#p#my gmas been doing bad lately which is to be expected tbh shes 93#but shit happened today and she went to the er and my mom said its not dire but also i need to start mentally preparing for the worst#and i know shes right but im so afraid that if i do then its like ill influence something bad to happen somehow#like id be allowing it to happen#and i know thats not how it works but i dont fucking know how to handle this shit#time to fall back in to desperate prayer. thats all i know how to fucking do.
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I do not think any piece of VTM media should take place after. Say. 2005. On account of my taste.
#it's weird thinking about some toreador influencer stanning Stanley cups or whatever. i dont like it#stabtxt#(gets hit by a powerful beam that only lets me talk about VTM for an hour) not again#like if ur running a WOD campaign. it shouldn't take place in the 2020s. because. i am afraid#edit: this could say 'any piece of media'. in general. to be quite honest.
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Loving Fate/Samurai Remnant so much actually. I love all the sword fighting. The gameplay is just so fun. But there r all sorts of informational things about 1600s Japan, specifically Edo and its neighborhoods and all sorts of cultural things, both big and small, and it's just. So Fun!!!!
I've gone looking some things up online for additional information on a few things, so I've learned things from that, too!!! It's just a really fun process
#speculation nation#AND since Edo is the old name for Tokyo. well now there are a lot of names i recognize from Tokyo#like ueno and akasaka and asakusa and MORE#inokashira was mentioned at some point and i was like 🥺🥺 omg 🥺🥺 i know that place#i dont think ive actually seen it tho. ive been to a few places but ya kno#ive learned about Yoshiwara and Kan'ei-ji and Nihonbashi and MORE...#i also learned about Tsujigiri. which i feel like i vaguely knew about like conceptually.#but when they mentioned a guy was being arrested for tsujigiri i was like 'huh?' and looked it up#and. yeah that sure is something someone would be arrested for huh.#it's interesting to play as such a law-abiding ronin. he's not afraid to rough people up but he prefers to avoid killing as much as possible#a pacifist through and through... unlike his sword-happy servant lmaooo#constantly having to talk Saber back from killing people while Saber is like 'i Know 🙄🙄🙄'#there is of course a fair amount of anime bullshit in the game. especially regarding magic and rituals and such#but all the frank cultural information lines up with what ive found online#so ive come to trust that That at least has historical backing.#im holding the People Of Influence with more of a scrutinous eye. simply bc fiction and its tendency to fictionize#though Fate also has a tendency to use major historical figures in ways many things would not. from what ive learned.#so Shrug. some of these guys might just be drawn from real people.#tho theres stuff like. Zhou Yu. the chinese military general. being made into an anime twink.#it's so funny actually. and Even Still it's making me learn more bc they include historical information in everyone's bios#(once we find out who they are lol)#i dont know if im gonna try to play any other Fates games. considering theres a Lot of em#but im having a lot of fun with this one at least 😃😃😃
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this moonshine starting to taste like hitting up my ex
#not one of the bad onrs. the literally only good one#the only one who was mt age that is#idk ive been wanting to talk tochim again and he reached out recently actually funnily enough#but we just kinda grew apart before...#i dont wanna like jimp into dating him again but he was one of thebonly truly good influences on my life#be not afraid
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Something — delightfully warm and kind blooms where its soul would sit if it held such a thing, floating there and watching with clasped hands resting on its chest. It builds up and overflows, spreading through like magic itself if it was emotion. It felt — good. Amazing. Like being alive, simple joy pushing down the passive acceptance of being inherently temporary.
Who cares if it decides to be selfish? The shadow, neither shadow, would mind if it was.
Even if it was going to disappear, and had no way of fully communicating its feelings and thoughts, it could enjoy this moment and make something beautiful to be remembered too. There was something so infectous about watching Alastor’s shadow galavant around, leaping up high and squealing so, that made it want to join in and share in that innocent joy. Focusing, a pair of legs and a little fluffy tail are formed, height dropping down to stand for only a brief moment — before it is off! Bounding over and grabbing a hand to tug, literally grabbing the shade’s excitable attention to pull it into a new game of chase. Its free hand boops the other’s nose with a fit of silent giggles, and lets go, turning to zip down the hallway.
If one were to mention that it was heading further away from the lobby and the growing chaos building there, only an innocent shrug would be given in answer. Completely understandable mistake, you know, they would need to get all the zoomies out first, wouldn’t they? It could blame its own rising deer instincts on this one, but really, it simply, genuinely, wanted to play with Alastor’s shadow and share in its happiness. Bounding down the corridor, with backwards glances and flashing of a fluffy dark tail, the occasional petal drifting down in a trail to mark where it had skipped away.
‘Catch me’, it seemed to say, ‘I want to play too’.
The Hotel could stand to have a little more innocent excitement and laughter after everything they endured.
The shadow leans its head when prompted, permitting the other to begin lacing the stems and flowers through the points of its antlers with delight. A visible silhouette of a tail wags happily once Lucifer's shadow is done and sports a crown to match, lifting its head once again to proudly display its new additional decorations. It wants to leap and prance with enthusiasm - but the other shadow's gentle pull down to nudge their noses together and touch its face has it settling with a deep, contented sound as it leans into each of those touches.
Thankfully, it is not so bereft of a mouth that it cannot act, reaching with its own hands to try and touch and feel those ears gently, down to Lucifer's shadow's face which it takes in those hands.
And it happily presses a litany of kisses in as many places as possible. To the other's forehead, its cheeks, its nose, its non-existent mouth. Though there's only so much of that it can take before the shadow is pulling back to essentially have its own version of zoomies. It hopped and trotted and leapt around the hall with clear happiness - an excitable young deer in the presence of something so phenomenal. Maybe being just a touch more noisy than it should be, given that it is trying to be somewhat discrete, but it can't help it.
It zips back around, briefly pausing to press another kiss to the other shadow's face before moving away again to leap around with excitement.
Too much enthusiastic energy. It cannot remember ever being happier.
#a rare moment of agency#most of the clones dont feel a need to establish individual identities and simply are more focused on the task at hand#it’s hard for them to separate from the desires that created them in the first place#but the longer they exist without lucifer’s influence or witness/do something that *moves* them#the more they diverge and come someone else that lucifer *could* be#it makes for some mind fuckery later when he dreams and experiences it for himself except#the really sad truth is that the clones thoughts won’t be present and would have been different from lucifer’s thought upon ‘reliving’ it#so if one were to postulate that clones are entirely distinct and separate from lucifer when they aren’t simply illusionary#one could say this clone has a short half life before it’s fated to die unnoticed#and each and everyone that’s made and spends enough time away from its task comes to this realization#just most don’t have anything that moves them into wanting to be independent agents when they know they’re going to disappear#with nothing to change or show for it#the hybrid however is an unusual case — who’s to say that something can’t remain in the shadow itself?#so many cultures like to romanticize our shadows as inversion of ourselves#what we could been (what we’re too afraid to examine within ourselves)#who’s to say that can’t happen here too?#or maybe that’s a comforting story we can say to avoid looking too close at the sad reality#§radioiaci§
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