#everything i put out is influenced by something. ifeel like i can never truly be original

[moltage]

i've tried everything, different ways, different times, different places. i just can't seem to find my passion for writing back.

[strawberry-milktea]

1How do I stop being so edgy? I am NOT an atheist, I believe the Christian God exists and that Jesus came to die for our sins. My parents are born again Christians, we go to church and have bible studies so I know a fair amount of info of the bible but it irritates me, i'm disgusted and disappointed at times.I can't believe The Lord is kind, I don't see how we are not simply a game to him. Starting right off on Genesis he knows man would fall just by putting temptation in front of Adam and Eve.

2But I feel so much sadness at the same time. I went to small group at my church and I felt really left out, I want to be a “super Christian”.ifeel so sad that I can’t love God, that I cant blindly read the times God has been unfair or over dramatic like the other Christians. That I don’t feel bad at all for being human. I listen to Christian music but I can’t into get worship mode like my mother does. I want to be able to repent and be 110 into this but I can’t human logic and emotions stop me.3I see people around me slowly starting to go to church and immediately changing their life and views and ive been hearing about God and going to church longer than them and I’m starting to get really sad about it. What should I do? When I try to study the bible without previous opinions I always fall. I feel do awkward when I get asked in church if i plan to get baptized, I can’t, because I dont feel right doing it since I’m still so doubtful.     —Hi there friend,I think something that is significantly hindering you is that you’re comparing yourself to other Christians. I see it several times throughout your messages - you say you want to be a “super Christian”, implying that you are observing other Christians you think are better than you. You compare your worship to your mother’s, saying you want to worship more like she does. It’s not a bad thing to admire other Christians and feel their level of spiritual maturity is something to look up to. But you have to remember that what you are admiring is actually Christ you are seeing in them. Spiritual maturity is something He is responsible for growing and developing in a person, and it’s a reflection of Him in that person. It’s nothing gained by their own works or worthiness - rather, if we desire spiritual growth and seek it from Him, He will honor that request. You have to always keep in perspective that while admiration of others and desiring their level of spiritual maturity isn’t inherently a bad thing, it can reach a point that it becomes destructive and damaging. Our goal should be to become more and more like Christ, not like other Christians. No matter how polished and together a person appears to be, people often aren’t going to reveal the less pretty aspects of their walk as a Christian, such as weaknesses and struggles with sin - especially if they only know you as an acquaintance. I always say that people may draw assumptions about me from this blog, that I always have it all spiritually together based off the asks I answer here. But in reality, I struggle with sin that can be so crippling to resist and at times, I fail and I feel terrible about myself. You honestly cannot define someone as a “super Christian” based on what they choose to reveal to you. Yes, people do have different levels of spiritual maturity.. but I honestly don’t believe in the term “super Christian” because no matter how spiritually mature one may be, that person is still a flawed human being who would be lost without Christ. And in His eyes, He sees us all the same as His children - He has no favorites.   The doubts you are experiencing are definitely not uncommon among Christians. In the past, I had my own doubts and confusion in terms of faith. I certainly don’t claim to know everything (and I never will), but as you grow in your faith, doubts evaporate and things just start to make more sense. It happens naturally. The key is to keep pressing forward in your faith, choosing to trust that He is good - even when you can’t wrap your mind around what is troubling you and even when the enemy tries attacking with jabs of doubt and fear that can be really unsettling. If you don’t give the enemy’s attacks attention and focus on Christ instead, I assure you things will fall into place and suddenly you’ll realize that the doubts and confusion have lessened and eventually, completely disappeared. When it comes to worship, I truly urge you to refrain from comparing yourself to others. I used to fall into the same trap when I first started going to church after being born again. I am naturally a more reserved and quiet type of person. I worship and sing more freely when I am alone versus when I am around others. It’s just how I was built and I used to feel so paranoid that something was spiritually “wrong” with me because I felt scared that people would “notice” me singing and I couldn’t get myself to lift my arms up around others as passionately as others do seemingly without a care of what people think. But then I realized - I’m not meant to be a carbon copy of other Christians. Some people can shout out, dance, and raise their hands without a care and it comes naturally to them. What comes naturally to me is to sing quietly, close my eyes, and worship in a more internal way. He knows what’s going on in the heart, whether a person worships quietly like I do or if a person is shouting praise to Him at the top of their lungs. I realized something important - if I were to imitate more outgoing Christians, it would just be for a “show” for others or to prove to myself that I’m worshiping the “right” way - when in reality, worship is about what is going on in the heart and it’s all about Him, not me or anyone else! When I came to this realization, I started comfortably worshiping in the way that felt right for me and enjoying the worship of others around me, whether they worshiped the same as me or more outgoing. I didn’t feel out of place anymore. And this is how you have to learn to see it too.. Worship isn’t a competition, and it’s not about what others see. It’s about what He sees in your heart. I think you do have a valid point, that human logic and emotions are playing a big role here for you.. You have to realize that human logic will never be able to explain everything because His ways are higher than ours. Some things will never make total sense to us, and that’s okay. We aren’t meant to understand everything. He revealed to us in His Word what we need to know, but we can be assured that He goes so unfathomably deeper that we could never understand everything about Him and His ways. I think you need to approach Him with all these concerns. Lay it all out - tell Him what you fear, tell Him how you have been feeling, directly talk to Him about the things you can’t understand. Tell Him that you desire spiritual growth and enhanced understanding of His Word, without the previously heard opinions of others influencing/skewing your understanding. In reality, our understanding of the Word comes through the power of the Holy Spirit. If you seek Him, He will come through for you.As for baptism, baptism isn’t about understanding everything or having it all together. Baptism is about a declaration of your faith in Jesus Christ and wanting to show that belief in your heart to the world. It’s not about being “perfect” or not having any weaknesses - because if it was about that, then nobody would be baptized. So I really urge you to get baptized.. Do not allow the enemy to fill your mind with lies that you have to reach some level of perfection in order to be worthy of baptism.I hope you found this helpful.. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.