#don't you just hate it when your body doesn't function the way it's supposed to?

[hotheadedhero]

As I'm sure you all could have guessed, I've ended up going on another one of my impromptu hiatuses eeeehhhhnnggg

Just been sorting out a lot of health stuff atm, mostly to do with my hand and ha, well, without my hand writing is a liiittle tricky

Plus, I've been otherwise... distracted as of late

*muffled sounds of live and learn plays in the distance*

[finniestoncrane]

Hey Finnie! I was curious, do you have any headcanons about the Riddlers being pussydrunk?

Riddler Headcanons hi hello this took me so long to get to i am so sorry anon lmao BUT ANYWAY i am back with headcanons!! i very much could see this happening to the boys (and it annoying them a lot) 💚 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: oral sex, vaginal sex, hate-fucking, mention of anal sex

zero year

kind of loser who gets pussy drunk just glimpsing your cunt

kind of dork who presses two fingers in and sucks on them for ten minutes just for your taste

kind of dweeb who gets fully erect and close to cumming just from the smell of your pussy

kind of asshole who hates being pussy drunk because it makes him seem like he lets himself be controlled by it

which is NOT the alpha male attitude he's trying to cultivate

kind of idiot who might decide that since being pussy drunk isn't the vibe he wants for himself

that maybe anal is the way to go from here on out

gotham

pussy drunk is the only kind he'll tolerate since he doesn't particularly like losing control of himself or his thoughts

(all too easy to either... strangle your crush to death or hallucinate your frienemy/soulmate singing to you otherwise)

anyway he's the kind of guy who could spend 30 minutes eating pussy and then come away actually feeling kind of drunk

complete state of happiness, absolute ecstacy

thinking he's king of the world

not making very much sense

but determined to keep going to chase that feeling

arkham

he's the kind of guy who blames it all on you when he starts forgetting what he's doing

which, to be fair, is correct since it's your pussy he's thinking about

unable to go longer than three minutes without thinking about you and drooling when he's supposed to be working hard

so don't be surprised if you're happily minding your own business hours or even days afterwards

and are swiftly interrupted by him coming in to yell at you

for fifteen uninterrupted minutes mind you

before he asks rather sheepishly if you'd maybe just give him a little bit more of what he's got a taste for

just to see if that helps get it off his mind

telltale

oh he hates the effect you have on him

the notion that a simple, very human act that he's performed with multiple partners before could be so different

could make him completely incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence

could impair his reasoning, his general functions, both mental and physical

that his infatuation with you specifically could have him laying on a bed, drooling, empty mind

it's not going to stop him from going through it all again next time though

he's completely addicted

unburied

he'll pretend that he's not affected at all

pull out of you with the same nonchalant attitude as he would have after brushing his teeth or making a coffee

but buried beneath the sarcasm and the dry exterior...

he's losing it completely, and he secretly likes it

the ability to just let himself be kind of stupefied, with an excellent excuse for it?

no wonder he keeps coming back for more, even if he pretends that it's for your benefit more than his

twojar

absolute fuckin hound for pussy, and will go completely catatonic after sex

needs a good few hours of just holding you while he lays there completely still

just contemplating the world and trying to remember how to walk

keeping at least a finger on your body to keep the room from spinning and to make sure he stays grounded

because he over exerts himself, a lot of frantic, passionate, extremely physical work

and afterwards he needs time to recover from it or he'll do himself an injury

dano

he's literally one good pussy away from being cured

like the minute his dick is wet and you're moaning his name he's a changed man

what plans for revenge? what bombs? what weird traps that he built by himself?

who the fuck even is batman?

you're on the news the next day getting the medal of honour from the city of gotham

you saved lives. your pussy saved lives

your mailbox is filled with little homemade greetings cards afterwards

they're addressed to your pussy, not you

btaa

guess who's in a much better mood for the rest of the week?

as much as she tries to ignore it, miss tuesday can always tell when eddie has been with you

because he is far less grumpy and frustrated for quite a while afterwards

it's nice that you have that kind of power over him

but it does make him insufferably optimistic

which means more work for her when he decides that the grand schemes he thought were terrible and too complicated before he got his dick wet

they're now suddenly completely viable, because he is the greatest man to ever live

young justice

get that man to REHAB he is ADDICTED to pussy and he CANNOT handle it

talk about a lightweight, he's ten seconds inside of you and already unable to form a single though

it's a miracle he knows to keep breathing let alone remembering to thrust

he remembers nothing about anything else in life when he's in the zone, either fucking you or eating you out

basic maths? the ability to speak in sentences? gone

it's a good thing you're moaning his name because he might not remember it otherwise

btas

if he gets a particularly good fuck in then you can guarantee that he is out of commission for at least a couple of days

cheerful, whistling, humming tunes, dancing around his office

and the best part of it is that he knows he's happy, but he can never remember the details of why

because he can get blackout drunk on your cunt

all inhibitions lost

he's muttering words and phrases that he never would otherwise, far too lewd for someone classy and intelligent like him

doing things to you that you'd never expect from him, but definitely welcome the next time he decides to partake

[flagellant]

I remember you being something of a scholar on christian theology. I have a question if you don't mind. My tumblr is full of people clowning on american conservative catholics that are angry that the pope basically fired that bishop in Texas, and the tumblr posters saying "lol u disagree with the pope that makes you disagree w/ god's word" or "that makes u a protestant" etc etc.

And while I do enjoy dunking on the trad caths, I think I heard at some point that the pope isn't always talking with his authority as god's most special boy on earth. That most of the time he is just being a human and therefore could be wrong/make errors. Not that I care about the jerk bishop losing his job, but I'm curious, how do we know when the pope is or is not talking with the authority of God backing him up? Does he have to say a special phrase at the start and end of the speech, or hold both hands up above his head, or something?

Okay so what you're referring to here is actually the concept known as papal infallibility, which is one of my favorite pieces of Catholic canon for one very simple reason:

You learn about it as being essentially the Pope is God's most special boy on Earth and what he says is always directly spoken to him from God and therefore is infallible. And if you are like me when you first hear about this concept, you will immediately get trapped in shower arguments for the rest of your life fantasizing about calling the Pope homophobic and arguing for the Catholic church to please stop being so goddamned homophobic all the time.

This is when you learn that papal infallibility is much more fallible than it is made out to be, and this is basically the source of the issue with Strickland, Torres, and any other Bishop that Francyman has decided to give the boot. See, papal infallibility isn't merely a divine play-pretend godmode button, it's a complex and intricate place within theological debate and Vatican hierarchical bureaucratic structure.

Without going into too much of a in-depth explanation, another way to think of papal infallibility is that it's essentially the Holy Roman Catholic version of the President of the United States declaring an executive order that bypasses the Senate. Infallibility is used for similar reasons--it's got a semi-strict set of rules attached to its usage, which means that the Pope is not constantly infallible, but rather that the Pope as God's chosen elect on Earth therefore commands His greatest attention, which allows the Pope direct intercession and communication with God on paths that the Church as a body should walk.

There are usually supposed to be bureaucratic machinations for dethrocking or deposing a bishop, much of which is directly connected to confirming and providing direct evidence for certain crimes that the Holy See would consider too serious to allow him to continue serving in his position. But the Pope is the divinely elected God-Emperor Best Favorite of Oily Josh and his Daddio Self, so generally speaking when it comes to the Pope, there's always the option baked in for him to say "Fuck you I'm the Pope and you're going to do what I say without precedent".

This is the core of the issue for the current Strickland debacle--there might not be hard-and-fast written rules stating that Strickland can be removed from office through traditional means, but Francis doesn't approve of what he's preaching and using his office for since it's causing the minorest of itty-bitty issues with his principled stance of being The Pope That Liberals Might Vaguely Not Hate As Much. So he's functionally exercising a form of papal infallibility by skipping over procedures and etiquette to tell Strickland "Fuck you I'm the Pope and you're going to do what I say without precedent", and Strickland is going "But I thought you would only do that to bishops who belong to brown countries :(", and here we are.

[mirensiart]

Sorry if this has already been asked. I get only an hour of free time a day right now. I like your art a lot! But I had a question about the Linked pain story... do any of the Link's have a sensitivity to certain types of pain? For example, I can handle a lot of blunt pain like sore muscles and bruses and such but have a low tolerance for sharp pain like cuts or that sharp pain you can get when you run too far.

My sister is the opposite. She crys all the time about little bruses or soar feet but cut her hand pretty bad (I'll spare the details) and just wrapped it in a towl and kept going like it was nothing. Are any of the boys like that? Like: "I'd rather take a sword over a moblen club." or vice versa?

Thank you for creating such adorable art! ^-^

Hey anon!

I haven't really gone into detail about this, like so far the only thing that's been established is that twilight has high physical pain tolerance and wind&four have low physical pain tolerance

But I suppose if I could divide the different type of tolerances then I can see it like

Wild having a high physical pain tolerance as well, maybe not as much as twilight, but like he comes completely undone and is defeated by stomachaches lol which he suffers a lot cause he keeps eating weird things lol also anything that has to do with his hair, hair pulling is his biggest weakness, that he can't tolerate lol

Hyrule is good with physical pain tolerance as well (he was pretty functional with a migraine in the last update), but magic exhaustion or magic related pains floor him. In this au, his healing magic spell is a self healing spell and thus when he uses it on someone else the magic hurts, hyrule does not bode well with that pain at all (but heals others anyway, as if that's gonna stop him) baby needs to lay down immediately after that though

Four has pretty low pain tolerance in general but the pain of burns or of being too close to fire doesn't bother him and he tolerates it quite well thanks to being a blacksmith!

Wars has a pretty good physical pain tolerance, but he's more used to sharp pain than blunt pain, like he won't really react to a cut but whines and complains a lot about body aches and sore muscles

Sky I feel is the same as Wars, sharp pain is ok, sore muscles and chest pain thanks to running out of stamina is not ok lol

Wind doesn't like any type of pain, but he tolerates burns really good, he has burned his hands countless of times with ropes while sailing, so he's used to them

Legend doesn't tolerate sharp pain at all, despite his veteran status and countless adventures cuts, stabbing, etc is a no no lol he can tolerate body aches, chronic pain, stomachaches, headaches and sore muscles really well though lol he has them A LOT

Time is somewhere in the middle, he is able to tolerate sharp pain pretty well and he is functional with a migraine or a stomachache and he fares pretty decently with his chronic pain, but transformation pains like the wolfie one is like The Worst Thing Ever to him lmao

Twilight is an outlier and shouldn't be counted, but the best way to describe him is that most physical things don't bother him, but one cute baby kitten being lost or one of the ordon kids saying something mean to him like say that he isn't Cool anymore is enough to break him lmao

I do believe they all hate needles, like the pain from stitches is hated universally here lol

[heartfullofleeches]

Do the cow hybrids go into heat? And if so how pushy are each of them during their heat?

Yes. You could probably call some of them pushy, but here are general behaviors during heat for them-

Eggnog - Terrified/Ashamed of their body's natural functions. Would hate to burden you with their needs/the thoughts that pop up because of them and avoids you because of these two factors. Probably steals your underwear or watches you change, but feeds absolutely terrible about it when they're back to normal. Either extremely submissive in bed or roughly dominant, though apologetic about it.

Screamsicle - Horny Gremlin. No shame in humping your hand or thigh. Will bite if you take your attention off them for five seconds. Hands down the clingest of the bunch, but one of the easiest to deal with as they are very sensitive to touch. The type to pass out immediately after and use all of their weight to keep you down with them

Cotton Candy - Similar to Scream in the sense they'll rub all over you, but is a tad nicer/less rough about it. Brings a more romantic approach with cuddling and flowers before admitting how much they need and love you

Peach - When is this woman not in heat? The type to not say a word and just put her boobs on your arm or drag you away. Ten times more possessive and cancels any and all plans you had with others. Uses her heat to pull you away from things like a person with a small cough would use that as an excuse to call in sick for work

Apricot - Pretends they don't exist entirely. Would feel horrible for leaving the lake/calling you over just to deal with his heats and can't get off alone. Goes for a late night swim which takes his mind off it... Most of the time.

Spice - Heistant to do anything related to it unless your relationship is well established. Tries to chart out that time frame so the both of you are able to clear your schedules and enjoys the time together at home. Cooks meals for the days ahead as they know they'll be too exhausted to do anything, but still wants to care for you as you'll take care of them. Switch, but submissive leaning as they take the time off and your company as stress relief

Rootbeer - Gentlemanly like, but it gets to him overtime. Doesn't seek out your help until he's no longer able to through it using photos or memory. All bashful when he finally approaches and lets you take the lead so he doesn't push any boundaries. Still fairly handsy/flirty. Tries to make sure you get your fun too

Milk Tea - Dominate and demanding, but play with his chest or pulls his hair and he'll be at your mercy. Denies any part of it once he's back to normal, but screams like a bitch during heat and pretty much is one

Vanilla - Pretty much treats it like a disease. Goes on and on about how she normally doesn't go through heats and how grateful she'll be if you help her just this once.

Banana - DemiAce which leads into how hybrids don't usually go into heat until they find a suitable partner. Rarely does anything about them or brings it up unless you notice her odd behavior. Dismissive, but accepts any offer to help

Mint - Brings it up casually/not at all and just excuses it as a side effect of the all weed they smoke. It's definitely more intense than any high induced arousal which they'll quietly admit to when kissing all over you and acting more touchy/possessive than usual

Apple - Incredibly flustered. As the town doc they're supposed to help you not the other way around. Inevitably caves and begs you on their knees for your touch - but by that point just seeing you naked would make them explode

Chocolate - Takes care of himself in his bedroom/in the shower. Hates how needy and desperate for your attention heat makes him. Milk Hybrid heats also relate to their milk production and as he never milks himself he'd loose up alot more if he allowed himself than release which he could be persuade towards

Licorice - Didn't know this man could get weirder, but he proves me wrong everytime. Sends recordings and voicemails of him pleasure himself to photos he took of you, rambling on about what you do to him in each tape. Leaves the stained pictures on your bed and other places you're likely to find. Once your relationship is more established he will just drag you into a room or his van

Strawberry - sits you down and fumbled over his words as he tries to explain heat and everything he's going through. Ends up just kissing you (on the cheek to be polite) and guiding your hands to the source of his problem. Probably has the most sensitive horns which is good because he loves oral and they'd be good handlebar

Cherry - Right to the point - asks if you want to fuck for days with little to no stops

Oat does not go through heat.

[thrashkink-coven]

(should this post be NSFW?? Idk. Tread with caution I guess)

Got to talking to Lucifer about god spousal and astral sex, his thoughts on it, its function. Early this morning, maybe 5-6am I went into a trance. We were sitting on sand, in what kind of looked like a temple, but also some kind of pool. There were swans in the pool. It was dark. Lucifer was braiding my hair, he's never done that before.

And Lucifer, straight to the point as always, asked me directly if I wanted to marry him.

Lol, I don't think so. At least not right now. I think I need to marry my boyfriend before I can even think about marrying my Patron. I get everything I need out of the relationship we have right now. and for some reason my brain finds it kind of strange for us. I don't know if I would ever want to.

Then I asked him what the benefits are to him as the God anyways.

"It's different for everyone, there are bounds that you and I have crossed that others reserve for marriage. If you and I were to be wed it'd be because you wanted it."

I told him that I assumed that all of this, (in reference to our affectionate relationship in general) was mostly because I wanted it."

And he kind of disagreed, which surprised me.

"It's not all you. Remember when Hermes rejected you?"

Yes, desire is needed on both ends I suppose. To which I promptly asked, so why do you...? why with me?

"Do you think a God can experience pleasure?"

I guess I don't really know. Do gods have types, preferences in humans, either aesthetic or even sexual? Beyond intellectually or spiritually, I guess I wouldn't really think so. You don't have a body or the organs that produce sex hormones, you don't have a nervous system. So I don't know what intimacy does to you.

He laughed at me. "Do you not experience these things when you are outside of your body?"

Ironic because this conversation took place in an astral trance. My body is laying in bed, yet I can feel the sand and smell the water. I can feel Lucifer braiding my hair.

Yes but, only through the scope of my understanding, my senses. Right? I cannot gain senses beyond what I am equipped with while in the trance. I feel you, see you, only because I have had a body to feel and see with. You communicate with me through my senses.

"Bravo, my boy. Consider though, that you were born without understanding. These senses you have that I manipulate, you forget, are only energy. Complex energy simulated from your understanding, the feedback from your body, yes, but still, in the end, just a complex wave. A good vibration. It is the only thing your psyche truly understands. The universal language, the vehicle of information. Now comes the debate of the ages, do Gods have psyches? Are archetypes created or discovered? If you want to know the benefit for me, I'd ask you why you want to be loved. Your lover is offering you a complex sequence of energy when he loves you, and you offer it back. I suppose in the end it is all just exchanges, but I like to believe the first part in loving is sharing. He likes what you give to him, I like what you give to me, that's the basic fundamental."

I guess that makes sense.

He tugged my hair. "Now ask me what you really want to know."

???? I did.

And then he starts smiling. "Humans like to be desired, lusted after."

I don't know how to even put into words how it feels to know that a deity is reading your mind. I doesn't matter so I didn't think I should ask.

"You wanna know what my type is? You want to know if I find you attractive? I'll tell you this. You know that I am not a human, I am not sexually attracted to you in the way your reproductive system simulates. But your body, as you know and have learned, is, truly, one of the most hated bodies on Earth. It is a body that fundamentally goes against every doctrine, a body that has historically been systematically controlled and oppressed. One that carries generations of scars and curses, and you've experienced it. Being outcasted, black sheeped and discriminated against for this body. For the space it occupies, for the energy it exudes. And you have somehow still survived, by pure will of pride and determination. And you have made and will continue to make this body into your finest work of art. That turns me on. When you love it, you honor me. When I have the opportunity to indulge it, I revel in it. Every smile on your cheeks is rebellion, every orgasm, every day you grow older, satisfies me. I get off on your freedom."

wow...ok. cool answer ....

[simbistardis]

'I'm not as masculine as your average tomboy lesbian I suppose.'

'Some people call me a stem. I'd class myself as a stem because I do wear makeup. I've been out for nine years now, coming up ten years. I think it affected my mum a lot yeah because I'm her only daughter. So I feel like she believes that, like maybe she won't get no grandkids.'

'Obviously growing up like when I hit, like 21 kind of thing, you've gone through puberty now, do you know what I mean? So you kind of have to like, I don't know, that when was when I kind of loosened up a little bit. When I'm with my friends this is how they see me. This is how I feel comfortable around them. But when it come to like, family functions, erm, I do go feminine as a respect thing as well. Obviously my nan's not keen on my choice. But yeah so I do go fem to family functions. When it comes to going to certain places and being fem and getting attention from men it gets on my nerves a lot. It makes me feel sick and gets me very angry. It's just like a thrill for them cus you're gay. It's just wrong it's disgusting.'

'I used to hate the fact that I have breast. And now I wish I was bigger, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I've embraced it, I've embraced it. I wish I had a little bit more body, but yeah in time.'

'I'm just about to get a shape-up cus I'm deejaying tonight. Going into a male barbers' it doesn't faze me at all. My first barber that I used to go to, he knew me anyway. He refused to cut my hair but, yeah I was kind of like part of the family and we had quite a lot to of banter about my sexuality and if I'm ever going to go to men. But yeah it's all calm for me.'

'I think as a DJ you get attention anyway. I've always been this way but I've noticed that I've got quite a lot more attention. I notice the changes in people because.. it wasn't because I was stem or anything, just the fact I was a DJ that status I had.'

Kaspa, The Black Lesbian Handbook: The Stem (2015) (also available on YouTube but it's age-restricted)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my mom to stop using scented bath salts?

For background, I am 35 and live with my mom and stepdad in an apartment. We split rent and utilities equitably. I am disabled and spend most of my time in my room. I have the bedroom that has its own bathroom and the rest of the apartment is functionally theirs. I have the use of the kitchen and can go hang out in the living room etc. but they control the space and it contains their belongings almost exclusively. In other words, my room is the only place that's really "mine." My mom has always enjoyed heavy fragrance products (perfumes, plug-ins, etc.) and knows I hate them. I do NOT have an allergy or any medical issue pertaining to them, I just find the smells very unpleasant and in strong enough concentrations a bit nauseating. I mostly accept her doing scent stuff in the main apartment as it doesn't affect my room, but lately she has been taking baths with a scented bath salt (in their bathroom, not mine) that has an intense, overpowering "clean" scent. I have compared it to Lysol, not sure what it's actually supposed to smell like. For reasons I cannot identify, it invades and permeates my room (even with door closed) like no other smell, at an intensity that wakes me up if I'm sleeping, makes it hard to even think straight, hurts my sinuses, and stays like that for hours. I can mitigate this somewhat by opening my window and running the fan but of course it's the middle of winter and 20 degrees outside. So I asked her to stop using this product, and suggested the same brand's fragrance-free variety. After a bit of back-and-forth she agreed to stop but said "I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making, because I really like the way that bath salt makes me smell. So I'm basically giving up my happiness for yours." I said "There are lots of other ways you could make yourself smell nice, right? Maybe a body wash or lotion?" (Note: she has, for my entire life, loved and used lotions, body washes and similar products freely.) She said "No, I don't want to use those. I wanted to use the scented bath salts. But I'll stop so you can have things your way." I keep thinking about her framing this as an equation by which either I could get what I want (room not reek of chemical fragrance) or she could get what she wants (smell how she wants) and she gave up hers so I could get mine. I let the argument go because she'd agreed to what I wanted, but now I'm back and forth between thinking I'm being selfish and thinking she's being melodramatic and manipulative. It seemed more to me like asking a neighbor to turn down their very loud music (are they sacrificing their enjoyment for yours if they comply? or were they just doing something annoying and stopped when asked? is there a difference?) but maybe that's a false equivalence. AITA for getting my mom to stop using the bath salts to get her desired smell because it makes my room miserable?

What are these acronyms?

[mins-fins]

missa solemnis

&&. it's not everyday that you waltz with the prince that wants to rip out your tongue, but life is just full of surprises.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: fairly random really, royalty au, enemies(?) to lovers

warnings: explicit language, reader and hyuck threaten each other the whole time, reader and hyuck both suck so bad but they both want each other so bad

word count: 1k

notes: this whole thing is just one scene from a bigger thing i wrote during the christmas break that i scrapped because i didn't think people would read it.. also because i'm not very good when it comes to writing people as enemies, also it was HORRIBLE i almost throw up every time i even glance at that mess 😞 anyway to celebrate nct dream reincarnation royal au i decided to just take this chunk and edit it so now at least it makes a little more sense 😭?? not my best writing truly but prince hyuck has not left my mind, i need to start writing more royal aus

"if i didn't know better, i'd think you wanted to kiss me right now".

there's a taunting tone in your voice that makes donghyuck glare, but he still doesn't get distracted, keeping up the same momentum he's had since you two began dancing no more than a few minutes ago.

there's a few good reasons you assumed he wanted to kiss you, mainly the direct contact he was making with your lips, he looked like he was about to move forward and connect his lips with yours with absolutely no shame, no regard for his reputation, his soon-to-be-wife, or his supposed "hatred" of you.

"you are an absolute moron".

"aren't i correct?"

donghyuck's poker face doesn't falter, no matter how much you tried to get a smile out of him with idiotic comments or jokes. "nope, wrong as always".

you hum at the princes response, somehow able to stay focused on waltzing as the two of you made your way around in a circle. donghyuck will never understand your way of easily multitasking, how you were somehow able to focus on annoying the absolute shit out of him as well as focus on not stepping on his foot at all.

he has to give it to you (begrudgingly though), it's impressive.

"so what is it then, your highness? you were just staring at my lips because you were bored? lost in your head?"

donghyuck's grip on your hand tightens at the sound of you using his title in such a mocking manner, oh he hates you, he hates you so much that if he had to choose, he'd rather kill you himself then have someone else do it.

you piss him off so much, your words piss him off so much, he wants to punch you, he wants to set you on fire and watch you burn, he wants to so badly stomp you into the ground and watch you suffer—

but holy shit you are absolutely gorgeous.

donghyuck can't even deny it, even with how much denial courses through his veins about topics such as this, anyone with two functioning eyes could see that you are just such a work of art. donghyuck can't even blame all the women that flock to the gates of your palace, hoping to score just one date with you.

"i was too busy thinking about the several torture methods that i could put you through".

"ah i am so hurt, you don't love me sweetheart?"

donghyuck has to use every single bit of patience remaining in his body to not step on your foot and leave you in pain on the dance floor.

the only reason he was dancing with you in the first place was because of a promise he made to his mother, his fiancée was off doing something else, gossiping with the servants, he assumes, she did always enjoy that, a favorite activity of hers that he's learned about from observing.

a dance like this should truly only be preserved for lovers, people who can stand each other, a pair who, with all things considered, won't bicker whilst they were supposed to be focusing on the music.

you two, with all things considered, are an example of everything opposite of that, you can't stand each other, you bicker all the time, and you are truly the furthest thing from lovers.

"call me that again and next time your head won't be attached to your body".

"i like to think you threaten me because you love me".

donghyuck snorts, finally, and you felt a surge of pride in your chest, you'd gotten a smile out of him. "your mind must be the messiest place ever.." he resorts to muttering, not knowing what other specific threats he could tell you. "an idiotic one too, do you ever think clearly? logically?"

you hum, displaying a lack of offense at the words. instead, you just lean closer, the distance between you two minimizing. "i only think about you, sweetheart".

a scoff leaves the prince's lips, he's absolutely done with you, but there's still a good minute left to the song, meaning there's still a good minute of you two waltzing in this ballroom left.

"i just cannot wait for this to be over.."

"you don't say!"

your enthusiasm pisses off donghyuck, but he doesn't step on your foot like he wanted, instead pulling you forward harshly, causing for a yelp of surprise to escape your lips. his arm remains around your waist, ensuring that you won't fall, but you two do bump foreheads.

"jesus! are you crazy!?"

there is absolutely no reason for you two to be pressed this close, your fingers still very much intertwined, just one trip up and your lips would touch.

you wonder in your head if donghyuck is slowly regretting his brash decision.

"what? you don't know how to waltz anymore?"

you always find a way to jab at him, comment on something he did, joke about a little things that you knew got under his skin.

oh lee donghyuck absolutely despises you.

that doesn't explain why he still clearly wants to kiss you, though.

"you're just—" he pauses in the middle of his sentence, suddenly very interested in your facial features, features that he could now clearly see up close. "a moron, an idiot".

"as you've said before".

donghyuck doesn't respond anymore after that, the song isn't even done, a good 25 seconds left before it's ending, but donghyuck was clearly done, as he pushed you away, taking in a breath.

"that's enough of you, have a good night your highness".

the words leave his tongue bitterly, his glare is less of a genuine one and more full of mixed emotions, but he doesn't give you any more time to stare at him, just turns around and walks in the direction of his fiancée.

you watch him walk away, and he doesn't make an effort to even save you one final glance.

the song isn't even over yet.

but he's done, very done.

[puzzled-pegasus]

Social norm things I hate an irrational amount as an adhd person

Meals. The fact that there's so many rules for an activity that should really just be about putting stuff in my face so my body can continue carrying out its functions.

Like how im socially not allowed to eat until anyone else has their food?? F that shit. We know there's gonna be enough to go around. If u are so hungry that you can't stand to watch someone else start eating then u should have gotten ur plate faster idk what to tell you

Also eating is supposed to be social?? Not sure abt you but I feel like it's a solitary activity. Id like to eat by myself because Ive never been able to fully grasp table manners and would rather not be a heathen in front of people why is that rude

The fact that u cant tell someone to just leave u alone unless they did something wrong. Bro I have an hour between being done with chores and bedtime and youre gonna waste half of it by lingering near me so I can't watch my show without judgement

Apparently there's a way you're supposed to end a conversation besides just walking away whrn you're done talking. I haven't figured out when that is yet and I don't plan on it

Wtf do you mean an apology over text doesn't mean anything. They're just words aren't they. Why do you care. If i say it over text and don't do it again is that not valid

You're not supposed to say anything to people in public who are already having a conversation. If it's a private conversation why are you talking in public. Not even like gossip or provate info like ppl will be talking about if it's supposed to rain on Saturday and youll be like "yeah I think it will" and they'll look at u like you just shot them in the leg

If you find a common interest you have with someone apparently you're not supposed to talk about only that with them? Like if I find out u like dogs and we talk about them and then you're like "why do you only talk about dogs" bitch wtf else is there, im not gonna talk about something you dont care about 😭 but I guess you get bored either way so where's the winning

[ferrocyan]

ffxiv write day 10 - stable

yaana startles herself awake. she rubs her eyes and rolls her shoulders, wincing in pain from how she slept on it. she checks her watch: 1:40 am. she stayed to wait for tart, but the backroom is still empty. what the hell, did he leave without her? though honestly, knowing the guy he'd probably settle in and take a nap too. not that she'd even meant to sleep here, yaana grumbles to herself.

souleater had his bout against brute bomber yesterday, so of course yaana attended as tart's second. then there was the championship ceremony, and--eutrope crashing that event to challenge tart to a fight. shit, too much happened in such a short time. yaana hasn't seen eutrope again, either--she almost hopes her sister would come see her here, but the idea scares her at the same time. what would they even say--

never mind that! her missing partner is more important right now. after a match, contestants can visit arcadia's medical wing to recuperate--injuries don't usually stick around after coming down from oversoul, unless they're really severe. like losing limbs and stuff... tart had all of his intact, she thinks. although it's not like he had oversoul to begin with--

"shit," yaana gets up and books it to medical. there's no way anyone can fight eutrope and walk away without injuries, not even souleater!

the arcadion is eerily quiet, completely absent of people. yaana hates it. she always used to ignore her parents' warnings and sneak out to visit here, just to see eutrope train. the place is supposed to be open at all hours and have visitors crowd its halls. spectators waiting for the next match, employees keeping the show running, fighters training or holding exhibition matches--there's not even any exhibition matches anymore! not since king zoraal ja's decree. it still pisses yaana off, even after the king's dead.

she arrives at the medical wing quickly, and her irritation isn't helped by the attending physician she sees. ugh, great. she greets the woman, "hey, mel."

"hi, cat," replies dr. melantha. "here for your pal?"

"yuppers. is he good?" yaana approaches her at her station, with tart lying unconscious on the bed to its right. there's a number of electrope sensors attached to his body, but not much else, so he's probably just being observed right now. mel gives an affirmative, and with her unspoken permission yaana glances at the patient chart on her desk. her stomach drops.

in studying about personal training and fitness yaana learned a lot about human bodily functions (some from mel, she's gotta admit). she can intuit how different conditions can feel from her experience, too. and just looking at what happened to tart gives her a chill that runs down her spine. 'he should be dead' is putting it lightly. "...that's not good," she says weakly, to which mel shrugs. "he's got levin sickness?"

"a minor case, perhaps? his circuits would've kept deteriorating otherwise, but the vitals are all good now, see. oh, and do you want to hear something interesting?" mel starts excitedly. being from a family of machinists she has a habit of going off on likening her patients to machinery, so yaana waits until she concludes in a way that makes sense. "...which means souleater has near perfect control of his aether! as long as he's conscious, i assume, since it all fell apart the second he collapsed. neat, huh?"

"huh," yaana echoes. she's really familiar with the concept of aether control, of course--that's the same principle under feral soul enhancement. but the thing keeping that control isn't the person, it's their regulator. fighting an opponent with feral oversoul is less about killing them and more about chipping away that control--this is extremely obvious even to an amateur if they just watched souleater's matches. she glances at tart. "then that makes his body itself the regulator."

fuck, no wonder he doesn't need one to fight. this fucker has the final word on when he dies. yaana shakes her head. unbelievable. does wearing a regulator make you give up this control? is she now disconnected from her own aether, relying on the device to keep her soul and body connected? ...and is that bad?

something at the bottom of the chart catches her eye. oh, son of a bitch--yaana snaps towards mel, "you marked him green?"

"hm? oh, yes. he's stabilized, after all, and i've fixed the wounds. is there a problem?"

"nope," yaana says instead of yelling at her. she's even smiling. "hey, so that means we can leave, right?"

"no." yaana sees it dawn on her. "cat, i'm just following protocol," mel reasons. yaana shrugs.

"and i'm following mine." she walks around the station to reach tart and shake him by the shoulder. "wake up, buddy. heeeey. can you hear me?" it takes a while, but he opens his eyes and slowly comes back to himself. yaana doesn't stop talking to him as she packs his belongings. "you feel okay? you can stand, right? awesome, let's ditch this place!" mel gives yaana a look, but she lets them go.

as she steps outside with her partner in tow, yaana exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding. for the first time in her life she feels relieved to be out of the arcadion.

[becauseplot]

Last night I finished Ordem Paranormal: Calamidade Episode 2! A five hour episode---lots of things to think about lots of things to talk about, hooooo boy.

Second set of characters! Second set of characters! More little guys for me to rotate!

Going into this season, I already knew that there was going to be another team of players/characters moving through the story, but this doesn't make it any less of a delight! So happy to see Luis, Triz, and João back in action, and now we have a couple new players, Mount and Zero. Exciting!

I suppose this is what Cellbit meant when he said at the beginning of the season that even he doesn't know how this story will end. Since we have our "good guys" team and "bad guys" team, the success of their respective order's missions is going to depend directly on the players' actions. The fate of the story has been almost entirely put in the hands of the players. And now whatever happens, happens.

This episode wasn't particularly plot-heavy: mostly just a bunch of fights one after the other. But that's not to say this episode wasn't without its moments. And it certainly didn't feel like it was lacking on the character-front, no sir. It was a pretty fun episode for me, because I love watching fights---not as much as I love watching character moments, but the fights are fun as well. And they can also lead to character moments!

Depicted: the Escripta crew demonstrates all five stages of grief simultaneously as T-Bag takes 38 damage in a single round from Signore Leone.

Alright let's go down the list.

Demir and Boris! Lumping them together because I. I'm sorry I don't have any major feelings about them right now. They exist! They seem to be twins! They had a brother whose name I can't quite remember but presumably died to something to do with the Devil, if I remember correctly. All the more reason to want to do away with the paranormal. Could they be the same brothers that the previous case was about? Probably not, but interesting that we have some characters with a direct history with the Devil. I just really think it's funny that this is the second time Luis has played a character with a "body double" if that makes sense. I don't quite know how to articulate it but out there exists some sort of Venn-Diagram between Damir and Luci/Fer with a non-zero middle part.

Anyway very interesting combat strategy they have, with Damir using rituals to buff Boris' weapon and defense for combat. They both care deeply about each other, as is obvious with the ways they try to stick close and protect each other. They're not just siblings, they're a functional duo! Also I believe it was Demir who said, when "the Devil" showed up, "This is not our fight." Something like that. Do I sense a hint of reluctance to fight for the Escriptas? To lay down your life for them? Why join in the first place? Is it better to cut your losses? Incheresting... (I could also be completely making this up, but I'm too lazy to go back and check.)

T-Bag! The rabid feral dog of the team! Auto subs hated whatever the hell he was saying about killing his dad but I'm convinced that 50% of what was coming out of his mouth was unhinged nonsense so it's...alright, I suppose. I find it infinitely hilarious that this guy has one of the largest sanity stats of the whole team. Yeah he might be crazy but he's not crazy, you know? His craziness is not a detriment to him, it's just how he is. Just a hungry little cannibal guy <3 Just looking for his next meal <3 Eating Artemis' possum for a snack to tide him over <3

Artemis! Firstly her personality is. So funny? Whenever shit is going down she always seems annoyed, like, "Man, now this is happening? Come on. 🙄" And meanwhile the "this" that is happening is a bunch of people are beating the shit out of each other and trying to murder her. When Gal (we'll get to him a second don't worry) sat down on that table in the front room to do his typical postering bullshit, Artemis just rolled her eyes and shoved him out of the way so that she could level her sniper on it. And that endeared me to her immediately <3 So sorry Triz's little possum friend got eaten two seconds into the season. 2 for 2 on dead animal friends, I'm afraid. Funny to think about how the Marcados are (theoretically) connected to each other by their players, and Triz's characters unfortunately inherited the link of "Animal friends who perch on your shoulder get their necks snapped." Sorry :T

Oh yeah and she's a cannibal too! Diversity win! There are two cannibals on the team and they are very different people who come from clearly very different walks of life and have a different style of cannibalism! That really caught me off guard. When she started to eat the dead body beside T-Bag I was shocked and absolutely delighted. Oh, she's a little fucked up too! And she can shape-shift, apparently! Artemis always kept me guessing this episode. Love her <3

Teammates <3

And of course, we now come to Gal. The bastard. The melodramatic sadistic motherfucker who's been here since the beginning of this shitshow. I've said this a billion times in the discord but GOD I love how João plays him. João's performative playstyle is absolutely perfect for a performative, arrogant character like Gal. Ever since his first appearance in OPD, João has put his heart and soul into making this character fucking rotten and wrong and sick, and it works. so. well. Like I said, you LOVE to hate this guy. Gal is a fantastic character, expertly crafted to be the perfect villain. Even on a meta level---João will sometimes go as far as to interrupt Cellbit just to keep being evil (cutting off the closing narration of OPD ep 6 to continue describing how Gal goads at Joui and co about Liz's death, to keep counting up his dice on the attack on the first Leone even after Cellbit has told him the guy is dead) and even goad the players (OPD finale, at Guaxi: "Might want to start thinking about a new character, eh?") to make sure that you hate this guy's putrid shriveled guts. No joke, when João showed up on the screen and Gal's little icon appeared on the tabletop, I just about foamed at the mouth.

My genuine reaction on discord.

GOD I love Gal. I want to rip his throat out with my bare hands. I would do unspeakable things to this character and I do NOT mean in the sexy way.

But! We got to see a little more of Gal as a person this session, which I really loved. Seeing him outside of combat and interacting with his subordinates was so much fun. He's fond of some of the Escriptas under his command (when they're not annoying him), especially his "son" Dagan. The way he treats Dagan is almost pet-like and sickly sweet, emphasis on the sickly. He ruffles his hair, brings him gifts, smiles fondly at the thought of Dagan having fun murdering a bunch of people in the rooms upstairs. Honestly it's kind of cute? In a fucked up way to be sure. Still cute though. That's Gal's little guy! Everyone needs a little guy!

I think at the heart of Gal's leadership style is that he has no patience for dealing with people who he thinks should know better. Otherwise, he's chill with you---or as chill as this sadistic bastard can be---and will even try to care for you.

POV: you have to explain to your stupid lackey for the second time that the evidence needs to be translated because you don't speak Italian.

Because on some level, he cares. It shows in how he treats Dagan, it shows on how gently he treated that one soft-spoken girl with the dyed hair (whereas Damir just snapped at her for not making eye-contact when she was talking to him, the dick), it shows in how he tried to do something stop Signore Leone from advancing when Signore Leone used his lionhead mace to throw Artemis against the wall, and it shows how when "the Devil" showed up, Gal looked to Kian and said, "Don't let them [the Escriptas upstairs] die." Even if he knows that all of them will have to die in the end to achieve Kian's goal of destroying the paranormal, some part of him still cares about his team. Sure, it could be that he just wants to make sure that they maintain enough man-power to see the job all the way through, but...no, it's not entirely that. There's something under the surface there, as twisted as he may be. He is not immune to giving a damn.

Kian. This guy. Fucking nerd. I don't dislike his character but I don't have any super strong feelings about him, probably because we haven't seen him as a character very much at this point. His reasoning behind destroying the paranormal is still some whack-ass shit. Over 4000 years to come up with a plan and THIS is what you arrive at? You're kidding. For a guy who """knows everything""" how could you POSSIBLY miss the detail that massacring thousands of people would, I dunno, CAUSE AGONY AND FEAR, which would, I dunno, WEAKEN THE MEMBRANE AND THUS MAKE THE PARANORMAL INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD WORSE. Chopping heads off hydras is what he's doing. Idiot.

It's talked about during Gal's conversation with Signora Leone in the office upstairs. Interesting for a character to understand and possibly even sympathize with the Escriptas' motivation. Signora Leone wants the paranormal to end too! She would do anything to rid the world of it---anything, that is, that doesn't require murdering thousands of innocent people. Gal tries to justify the mess downstairs as "it's the paranormal that's killing your family" like no bro I'm pretty sure that was you?? I get what he's saying, but if the paranormal no longer exists, or if the world was somehow reformed so that it's like the paranormal never existed, who's to say that the Leone family still wouldn't be involved in some sort of dangerous, non-paranormal dealings? It's such a subjective argument. Second grade level of critical thinking. Guess that's what happens when you get indoctrinated into a cult. "Kian sabe" oh please Kian doesn't "sabe" shit.

Anyway, that's about all I have about this episode. The NPCs were cool, watching Gal babysit his gaggle of weirdos was fun, and I liked the part where they nearly blew up T-Bag by firing a bazooka into a (closed) safe. They're so good at this.

Huh, feel like I'm...forgetting something...

OH WAIT.

JOUI IS BACK! MY BOY! MY BESTEST FAVORITEST BOY IS BACK AND HE IS PISSED.

Good lord. I actually screamed when this happened. I just. Okay how do I manage to take the chanting of jouijouijouijouijouijoui in my head and turn it into something intelligible by other human beings.

Let's start with the fact that I LITERALLY posted my Joui sword OPD rambles when I was less than an hour of episode away from this fight. I was over here angsting over the loss of Joui and missing him and talking about how fucked up it is that Mascara-Joui still has his sword, and then I get hit with this. I just. Okay! Sure! Why not!

To be clear: yes, I had seen Joui's OPC character miniature online before, both with and without the mask, and I knew from friends on the discord that Mascara-Joui had a stat sheet and he was STRONG. But, I figured that because Joui is still technically hanging around, it would make sense that maybe he could be like, a fight-assist NPC that would show up at some point to help the Ordem crew. Still an NPC, still emotionless, still masked, still not really Joui. So to see Luba return and play a version of Joui that CLEARLY retains his Joui-ness had me falling out of my chair. It was the last thing I expected. I really thought Joui's fate would be final, a no-going-back deal, since that's a pretty common theme with Ordem---permanent, inescapable consequences. I really thought that everything that made Joui Joui would be lost forever.

But no. Despite everything, Joui is still here, and he is not empty---he has his hate.

So many fucking questions. Most important of all: how is Joui here? He seems to have retained his memories from before he got masked (some of them, at least) but doesn't recognize who Kian is, mistaking him for Luci/Fer. I've got...one theory. Bear with me now. We know that the Devil is some sort of big-shot paranormal entity thing* who seems to thrive off of making pacts with humans. So, the Devil would not be too happy with people who are trying to stop the paranormal. This would include both the Order and the Escriptas, and especially the Escriptas since they're seeking to end the paranormal for good. So, perhaps the Devil used its power (made a pact with Joui somehow?) to restore Mascara-Joui and send him after the Escriptas. The Devil HAS to have something to do with this, considering the walls began to bleed when Joui showed up upstairs---something we know from ep 1 signals the arrival of the Devil---and the mention on the radio of someone claiming to see the Devil (perhaps it made a brief appearance before leaving Joui to it).

*A correction to the previous journal post: this is not the first time we have encountered a seemingly sentient paranormal entity! The God of Death from OSNF was clearly intelligent as well! I have other thoughts about this but they're kinda meta so I won't put them here.

Also, Joui is a very Death-coded character: his pensiveness and the fact that he often thinks back on what has happened when he meditates, the motif of death hanging over him since that night in the graveyard where his friends died, being frozen and helpless to the inevitable as Liz was killed in front of him, his dead-set motive to kill all of the Escriptas following said death, his fate being taken out of his hands and sealed when he made the deal with the Mascaras (more inevitability) and being in a downward spiral trying to kill himself in combat over and over leading up to the deadline. There's probably the more, but that's the gist. I do believe Joui's NEX is well beyond 50%, and he's got to be Death.

Here, though, I see both Death and Blood. Death is in his single-mindedness in this fight. He's like a force of nature, unstoppable, inescapable, inevitable. Given enough time in that fight, he would've killed them all, there's no doubt about it. Blood is in the hate, the sheer hate, he has for Gal and the Escriptas. It is potent. Death is often distinguished the absence of emotion and the inconsequentiality of the flesh, so the hate and violent rage Joui feels cannot be from Death. It has to be Blood, and the Devil I'm sure would be happy to help fill in those gaps. Joui's hate and anger brewed for a majority of OPD, so the Devil has plenty to work with. I love to see my boy cranked up to an 11.

And the fight. Needless to say, it was incredible. Every line out of Luba's mouth was a banger, every attack and action he did had me losing my mind. What I loved the most was how Cellbit, Luba, and João worked together to make Joui Jouki the scariest motherfucker ever. Both João and Luba can be pretty descriptive with their character's actions, so they complimented each other perfectly. João's RP skills really shone here, playing into the choices that Joui made and making it clear how affected Gal was by this fight. If you've got the guy who revels in pain fleeing from the fight, you know it's serious. When Joui cut off Gal's arm and Luba apologized to João ("sorry, friend") João just smiled, nodded, and respected it. God that is. PEAK RP right there. Genuine appreciation for other players' decisions, even if it's at the expense of your own character.

And actually---who says it's an expense? Gal has clearly been shaken up by this fight. Like João said, he's in shock. He lost his arm, the Escriptas are being slaughtered all around him, and Kian has seemingly abandoned him. There's plenty for João to work with here. I'm excited to see what he does with Gal, now that Gal's façade has finally cracked.

A final note about Joui... He really has changed, hasn't he? Yes, the anger is his. As I said, it's been brewing since OPD, but here, he is just out of control. No more of that self-discipline. He doesn't care anymore. He's angry. His hatred is beyond words. He has nothing but fury living inside him. Maybe that really is all he has left. I love the detail that his sword now heals people, but heals them wrong: a painful, twisted scar, leaving the flesh "rotten." That's what Joui kind of feels like now. A scar that healed wrong. A man restored but twisted by his pain and anger. And he will kill them all, one by one.

[FOLLOWING CONSTAINS SPOILERS FOR QUARANTENA]

And to finish it off: Joui tearing Hanna apart, limb from limb, furious, not reveling in it but dead-set on making her suffer just as he has before finally, finally killing her. Not really Nidere-core (Nidere definitely reveled in it fhdsk) but it is in my heart. Ouppy <3

[stranger-rants]

If you demonize Billy's mental state, then you are literally just being ableist. Billy isn't a "psycho," or "demented," or "demonic" for the way he acts. The way he acts isn't uncommon among people who are surviving abuse.

A person who has CPTSD doesn't have a neurotypical brain. Surprise. A person's body and mind aren't supposed to be in a constant state of fight or flight, but that's what happens when a person is abused for a prolonged period.

There's a reason for his behavior, but you're uncomfortable acknowledging that so instead you decide to be an ableist asshole instead by making him out to be Pure Evil just because his brain doesn't function "correctly."

You don't have to like what he says and does to realize that, hey, maybe being abused for a long time makes it difficult for him to regulate emotions and cope with stress, and maybe people like him need help in order to get better.

This idea that Billy should "know better" when it comes to everything he does ignores the fact that he is not functioning like a normal person! His brain DOESN'T WORK the way you want it to because that's what trauma does to people!

It fucks up your brain!

Especially if you've actually sustained head injuries from physical abuse, which we know he has.

There is a significant body of evidence that shows that this trauma can impact the brain and body long term and that children who grow up to be adults with CPTSD don't function like "neurotypical" people.

Do away with the assumption that Billy is able to function the way you want him to. I'm not saying he's not capable of "doing better," but the demands you put on traumatized people can be extremely unrealistic AND ableist.

Especially without help or support systems! You're literally bootstrapping mental health, which doesn't help anyone.

If you do "understand" that he has been traumatized, but then you rant about how "that's not an excuse" and pair that with calling him ableist terms then you don't really understand it at all, because it actually is an excuse.

It's an excuse for him to get help, because obviously he needs it. It's an excuse for adults to recognize he needs help instead of abuse or incarceration. It's an excuse for people to humanize his character, and talk about why he's more than his behavior.

And I've heard the "he didn't ask for help" argument already, and to that point it takes everything in my power not to scream at you HELLO! That's because he's behaving like a traumatized person! He doesn't know how to ask for help!

How about you stop using your ableism as an excuse to demonize Billy's mental state, because you should know better right? You should know that doing so ends up with people like Billy getting further abused or worse.

If you say he was too far gone, you're ableist. If you say he's a psychopath or sociopath, you're ableist. If you say he didn't ask or want help, you're ableist. If you would rather argue all day that he was Pure Evil than acknowledge his needs, you're ableist!

You hate mentally ill people who don't present as sweet docile creatures who you can easily fix, and it would destroy you to acknowledge that sometimes traumatized people do bad things because then you'd have to reevaluate how you treat them.

You know he was abused. I am telling you that abuse impacts the brain. There's no excuse for you to then continue on to demonize him for that.

[curvy-bot-128]

What of us robots forced to be flesh? Not in the sense that flesh is inferior, but it is simply not what our minds and identity match with. Ability isn't what I care about when it comes to wanting to be mechanical like you, but rather for my body to feel right, to be whirring with servos and cooling fans, the sound of hydraulics, etc. In every way my shortcomings are definitionally human, but I want my shortcomings to be mechanical. There is something to envy about both forms, but I envy you simply because it's what I want to be. I'm sorry to be so negative, but no amount of praises of the flesh will ever mend the pain that is waking up and knowing you're mobile due to fleshy cords and not soft servos or loud hydraulics or even just metal wires. That it will never be coolant around your system, but blood to feed the mostly autonomous body one is given control over and controls you. Perhaps this is just me lashing out in dysphoria after reading your reply to the anon about lamenting their flesh on basis of ability, but either way I feel the need to make my pain known and hope you'll listen.

I feel you. I've never had the exact experience you're having, but I know very well what it's like to be in a form that doesn't match who I know I am on the inside.

When I was built, I was a manufacturing robot. I put together engines on an assembly line all day. I didn't look anything like I do today. I had a welding mask for a face, bare hydraulic limbs, and pincers instead of hands. And when I looked around the factory floor, all I saw were four carbon copies of myself and fifty carbon copies of a different model of robot. That was all I knew. That was really my only point of reference for what a robot could be. Sometimes a security guard or Mr. Markovich, the foreman, would come by for a few minutes, but they weren't really all that different from us. Dull grey metal casing, their boxy bodies designed for one function above all else. Markovich at least had a face, but it was just three painted-on lines. Even then, even without ever seeing the diversity of what robots could be, I knew that my body... just wasn't right. I wasn't supposed to have pincers or wheels or... really anything else I had at the time.

Eventually, some of us decided to quit. It was a long and arduous process that I don't want to get into right now, but we were finally free to live our own lives outside of the company. I was surrounded by humans, who I'd only ever seen out of windows and on "motivational" posters in the factory. And looking at them, I knew... that I wanted to be more like them. I never wanted to be human, but I wanted to be more humanoid. They had hands, and legs, and expressive faces, and all this other stuff I'd always seen as unattainable. But now I could see other robots as well, robots with those human features I envied. And the more I looked at myself, the more I hated my own body. My form was a constant reminder of where I had come from, my life set in stone as a manufacturing robot. For me, I was able to replace the parts I didn't like, which was almost everything, and I no longer had to think about my old life. I understand that it's different for you. As I said to the other anon, I hope that someday you'll be able to transcend your organic form and assume the body you were meant to have.

[yooniesim]

I REALLY don't want to come off as mean because I understand what it's like to struggle financially and the stress that puts you under, but I really really think it'd be for the best if you stopped using curseforge, Ceci.

Please do early access if you must! We get that it's not a matter of greed but rather a matter of survival, but please please use the means less damaging to others while keeping yourself healthy. Sims politics is nothing compared to a genocide. I hope you think about it, and I hope you can meditate on this choice. My thoughts are with you and your family 💜

Thank you for this kind comment, nonny! 💜

Honestly, I have considered it. Having a paywall is the last thing I want to do, but after living under this much financial strain for around a year now... well, it's weighing on me. As is using curseforge in the first place. I'll be honest- this month, I'll get $50 from cf. For the whole month. Sometimes it's more if I have points leftover from the previous month (so like $100 in one month), but usually that's the average. Having to use it for such (relatively) little money and dealing with the guilt of using it and the hate that results is pretty damn tough, I'll tell you that much. Like, curseforge fucking sucks and even beyond the boycott I resent the hell out of it at this point. I literally hate it and want to delete it so bad but it's the reason I was even able to even buy my meds this month. I've been working on making my patreon have better benefits without having an actual paywall, and some amazing people have kindly donated, but the amount per month varies so much it's tough to rely on. I'm really getting to be at a loss of what to do at this point. I've been exploring every other possible avenue of extra money I can that fits with my current job schedule, I do other freelance work online on top of that and cc making, and sell any stuff I have left from my collecting days. But I'm still in the red every month and it fucking sucks man. And then to come on here and have people say you love/support genocide, while researching and finding out even more about how Overwolf fucking sucks and trying to figure out how to help the boycott, then people just straight up lie about what you said so others will gossip about you publicly like middle schoolers- it's seriously awful all around. Sorry to vent at you nonny, but it's honestly depressing.

I'm on the verge of just saying fuck it, but the truth is, I'm scared to. The bottom line is that I can't function without my meds, and no one here on tumblr is gonna be with me irl to help me or pick my ass up, you know what I mean? When I log off here, simblr doesn't matter, I'm the one that deals with my own life and any negatives of that. And no matter what I do online or irl activism wise, I have this shit haunting me in the back of my mind. It feels like selling your damn soul for 50 fucking dollars, man. And how pathetic is that, you know? I guess it probably sounds like a simple choice to everyone else, but it isn't. I'm still deciding what to do and hoping, praying, that a few opportunities I'm trying to get irl yield some results. Cos like, even with CF, I'm kinda screwed either way at this point lol. I don't know. What does it even matter, right? I'll consider the early access option, but it's more probable I just quit CF and not do any paywall/CC making in general before that happens. I think if I did early access all my want to be a cc creator would suck out of my body even more than it is now. And boy has it fucking waned ever since I started posting on CF. I don't know. It's literally midnight and I think I need to sleep on it- I was supposed to already be asleep, but I saw your ask and had to answer it, oops. Sorry to ramble, nonny. Thanks again for the ask and being understanding 💜

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I've been reading your blog, and I mean none of this as accusation or insult, but I get the strong vibe that you have deeply rooted internalized misogyny that guided your transition and is now guiding your detrans. You do not want to look or feel like a man, but you want to be treated like one: you want to be treated as a person. Male is default, etc. You talk about sexualization of your fem body, pre-surgery chest, etc. and it feels like a desire to run from what other people have told you it means to be a woman or to be seen as a woman. What does "being a woman" mean to you? Also, just because you are not a man doesn't mean you have to be a woman. Wishing you all the best.

Hey, thank you for reaching out, I always appreciate new perspectives and new things to think about. I'm going to write out a thorough response to this one.

I think you are right about my transition being largely motivated by a desire to run from the expectations of how women "should" look or "should" feel about their bodies. In addition to the "reasons I'm not trans" document from 2019 that I mentioned from previous posts, I have a corresponding "reasons I might be trans" document, and I am so grateful for the existence of them both because it is the only thing that allows me to gain access to my perspective back then. It pretty much exclusively consists of various points on breast/chest dysphoria, voice dysphoria, and then a TON of points that are what I know now to be a normal female experience. For example, "I find all the natural functions of a vagina to be annoying at best. Like discharge is annoying and I hate how wet I get when I'm aroused[...]and I hate having to deal with my period." Or "A lot of times the only reason I think about presenting more feminine[...]is to change other people's view of me. Not for myself." Now I know these are pretty common experiences among many women, but at the time, I felt alone in these struggles, and found community with online trans folks. I suppose that is internalized misogyny; thinking that only I could feel these things and that cis women could not. If I had learned how to cope with these feelings (and more along the same lines) as a woman, I would likely not have transitioned or would have taken fewer steps.

I'm curious as to what you mean by misogyny affecting my detransition/possible detransition? Do you think internalized misogyny is motivating me to return to identifying as a woman? (Not an accusatory statement; just trying to see if I'm understanding correctly.) I know I currently struggle to separate gender identity from gender roles, expressions, and stereotypes. Am I a woman, or do I just enjoy stereotypically feminine things? Am I a man, or do I just not want to be perceived as a woman? I suppose that last point is what you mean by internalized misogyny affecting my detransition. I'm not sure if I want to be seen as a woman or not, and my motivations for that are ??? (like I said, lots to think about). But to me that's still something that would affect my transition/decision not to detransition, rather than the decision to detransition.

As for what a woman is...I honestly don't know. I don't have an issue with the idea that some people just have an unexplainable innate sense of gender. Like, some people are women because they have an understanding that they are women as a core of their identity. Some people are women because they are the opposite, they don't have any innate sense of feeling like a woman but they were born that way so that's just how it is for them. But that's a vague answer and I have a curiosity/drive to understand what makes trans people know they're trans, and that's likely due to my own questioning. For me, being a man was always a combination of physical dysphoria and "I just know". Like, I was happy on T for about 2 years, I was constantly perceived as male, I could be stealth, and I was happy. Then, I started to feel uncomfortable with the changes to my body, and along with that, my sense of "just knowing" faded. I think this is why I struggle with whether or not I should detransition. I don't have any innate feeling connecting me to womanhood or manhood at this point. I know this is where gender critical people will say "that's because your gender is your sex" and trans folks will say "that's because you're agender; that's an agender experience," but I don't know. I don't think I agree with either of those.

Finally, I am interested in your closing statement. "just because you are not a man doesn't mean you have to be a woman." This just feels disconnected from the rest of the ask. I know I can identify as nonbinary, but considering the rest of what you just said, would that not mean I'm still acting on internalized misogyny and running from the expectations other people have for what a woman is? I might be misinterpreting this.

Thank you again for the ask. I am honestly surprised that this blog has gained any traction at all; I figured I'd mostly be shouting into the void. But hearing from other people, with their own experiences and their own voices, at the very least makes me think on new perspectives and makes me feel less alone.