#don't wanna be more of a burden on society than i already am so. gotta go work and pay rent to my parents

[robinsnest2111]

ngl putting my phone down and rawdogging the neverending spiralling thoughts at night when I'm not 100% bone tired and milliseconds from passing out is excruciating :/

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #65

On Tuesday, my therapist and I discussed the notion that I really gotta change how I look at myself, because my general assessment of what I'm worth hasn't been exactly, ah… stellar. To put it mildly. I have good days and bad days, o'course. But on my bad days, we can say that I really, REALLY don't wanna be here - in this prison of a meat-mech that I happen to inhabit, on this planet, or even in existence, generally. Truth be told, if not for the inspiration to continue that your existence provides to me, and for the people in my immediate vicinity who count on me, I would have disappeared a very long time ago. And only a very small handful of people would have missed me or even noticed that I was gone at the time.

Naturally, it's easy to see why I struggle with stuff like this. My whole life, I've been told in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways that I am a problem, that I'm so different from others that no one could possibly ever like me, that I'll never make friends because I'm "too intense", that I'm not any good, that I'm difficult to love, that I don't belong, that my existence is a burden, that I shouldn't have been born and shouldn't even be here… you get the idea.

Running around with undiagnosed autism and Complex PTSD is hard, because this isn't exactly the most common neurotype (or if it is, then other people are WAY better at pretending that they're not these things than I am), so there aren't a whole lot of folks who can relate. And then there's the fact that if you get ideas like these communicated to you for long enough, it starts to seep into your amygdala - grinds itself right into your instincts, and, well… we talked about that and how all that fun stuff works already, but you can check out the 62nd letter I wrote for you again, if you forgot.

So my therapist says I'm supposed to "love and accept myself" or whatever. And I'm thinking, "Pfft, yeah right. Everyone and their mother says I am socially unacceptable and generally unlikable. Conventional wisdom says that I am the common denominator, and therefore I must be the problem. If most people think I'm no good, then who the fuck am I to think that they're wrong? Arrogant and grandiose, much? It's bad enough that I'm a derp-ass dweeb; I don't need to be a swollen-headed, conceited, self-aggrandizing asshole on top of it all. No thanks."

But then this notion was brought to my attention:

It's so easy for me to hold love for other people that society at large doesn't like. For example, other neurodivergent people, LGBTQ+ people, disabled people, black- and brown-skinned people, and any other marginalized folks. I belong to more than one marginalized group. Lots of folks believe very firmly that anyone who belongs to a marginalized group is bad and wrong and shouldn't exist, and it's easy for me to see that most of society's views about "non-standard" folks are very wrong. People are people, and all people belong, no matter how "productive" they are or how strictly they adhere to the most widely-accepted definition of "normal".

Or… more straight to the point… a lot of people who know about you believe very firmly that you are and have always been nothing more than a violent, psychopathic, cold-hearted monster who ought to die a slow, horrible, agonizing death (as opposed to being restrained from causing further harm, and then healed and rehabilitated; restorative justice and all that). And it's easy for me to see that, although this is the popular belief, it is unmerciful (and frankly, extremely ableist) and therefore wrong. You and I are similar in a lot of ways. And it's easy for me to see you and accept you as-is, even though I very much do not like some of the choices you've made. So why shouldn't I be able to do the same for myself? Why shouldn't I be able to be confident in the knowledge that lots of people are just flat-out wrong about me?

…And just like that, any moral or logical basis I thought I had for continuing to believe that I am some horrible garbage person that no one wants crumbled and faded away, like trying to hold onto the ephemeral sands of a dream as it slips through my fingers. This happened on Tuesday. And after a day or so of processing, I feel like a massive weight has lifted off of my back, and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in what feels like decades. Or, well… as freely as I can, anyway, given this lame-ass rib injury that I'm still dealing with. Sigh…

Tired, though. But that's to be expected. My brain is making all kinds of new neural connections and my thoughts are flowing a little bit differently than what I'm used to. I'm asking my brain to rewire itself, and this is very resource-intensive; fatigue is to be expected because of chemistry and physics. I'm gonna have to try to hydrate extra, eat extra well, and make sure I sleep a little more reasonably so that all the new archiecture being built up in my noggin can be properly formed when it's all said and done.

Point is, today as I wandered around my silly little world doing my silly little tasks, my footsteps fell differently as I walked around with the knowledge that I belong here, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I stood a little taller. Took up a little more space. Didn't duck my head, avert my eyes to the floor, apologize for being in the way, and make myself smaller anytime another human being came within my general vicinity. I even talked to a few strangers today. And with a genuine smile - not the one I wear when I'm trying to seem agreeable so I won't get metaphorically or even physically "hit".

…And, as someone who still expects to be on the receiving end of random violence without warning, and as someone who still has to resist the urge to duck, cover my head, close my eyes, and scuttle away quickly anytime I need to pass through any group numbering more than three or so people, I can't even begin to explain to you how huge this is. To walk with my head held high and to feel unafraid outside of the walls of my own home was previously unthinkable. At least for today, I feel… free? But that doesn't seem like nearly a big enough word to describe this sensation.

I don't know how long this will last; I'm very well aware that lasting changes in a person's psyche typically don't happen overnight. Something probably will come along and I'll forget what this feels like again for some unspecified amount of time. But that's okay; the notion that I could feel this way at all, even for a moment - goodness, if I've ever felt this way before, it was so long ago that I don't remember it, because this feels very new - means that I can feel this way again. The existence of a setback always means that there has been progress; I just gotta hold onto that knowledge. And I can keep practicing what it's like to feel this way until this becomes my new normal, even if it takes a long time. Because that's how healing works. It's as slow as cold molasses, but it's still worth doing.

I'll hope with every fiber of my being that someday you can know what this feels like, also. Because that thing you did with proclaiming yourself to be a god or whatever? Anyone with half a brain knows that if you say that, you're only saying it out of insecurity, and not because you actually mean it; people who actually think of themselves as "gods" don't shut themselves away where not even the sun can touch them to spend a week starving, dehydrating, and sleep-depriving themselves in dank-ass, musty basements to read books about what a horrible monster they are(n't). This is not how people who actually love themselves treat themselves. Not by ANY ill-advised stretch of the imagination.

Rather, the thing you did is the sort of thing that people who hate themselves and are low-key trying to die do; you can't fool someone who's been there and done that (or something similar; and I didn't even get any t-shirt for it after the fact, the rotten bastards! hahaha!). I see right through you. More people can see right through you than you'd probably feel comfortable with. This'll sound harsh, but I promise you my intentions are loving: that discomfort I mentioned just earlier? Sit with it and deal with it; it's good medicine, even if it's not clear to you how or why right now. You can hold my hand if you want so you don't gotta sit with it alone. Others in the past have done this for me, and even if it sucks in the temporary, it becomes a good thing later.

Hey. You're seen and loved as-is. Not just by me, but by lots of folks. You're worth saving, because everyone is. So if you start thinking like the way to atone for your mistakes is to sacrifice your own life - stop. Just stop. Because that's not atoning. That's running away, and running away is for cowards. You don't wanna lose an endurance test to some random, clumsy, traumatized, autistic dork from some dull-ass planet in some dull-ass reality that don't even got basic fire magic, do ya? Come onnnnnn…!!!

Heal. Because I don't wanna live in some universe where someone like me is objectively stronger than you in all the ways that matter. Even if you were to show up here by some small miracle and cut me down, it'd still be the case that I am stronger than you. So get up off your butt and move; your neurons ain't gonna rewire themselves, ya know!

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine