#don't talk to me i'm in pain
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what was the point of lila thinking home was a feeling she didn't deserve and could never earn until she found diego. what was the point of them finding deep, meaningful love in each other. what was the point of lila opening her heart and confessing that all she really wanted was a family with him.
what was the point of developing diego and lila over two seasons, creating such a beautiful, chaotic bond, just to destroy it for no reason.
#the umbrella academy#diego x lila#lila pitts#diego hargreeves#what was the point!!!!!!#isn't it great when there's no character resolution and everyone just gets erased from existence#instead of giving us emotional closure they just added more pain and trauma and called it a day#what was it all for exactly. to give the handler a peaceful happy life of all people#don't even get me started on the bracelet or that awful pointless love triangle#steve blackman is gross and so is the way he talks about lila like she's not even a character in her own right but just an afterthought#someone who was there to pair with five while diminishing all that she is#five needed a love story so they just shoved lila into that role as if she were some random accessory to five's story#rather than her own character with thoughts and feelings#a woman's entire character arc is ruined just to give a guy a love interest#i feel sick#i've already mentioned some of this on twitter but whatever#as you can probably guess i'm not going to gif this so-called new season#lila deserved better. diego deserved better. we deserved better
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#portal 2#my art#chell portal#wheatley#she then got her hair stuck#based on this one spiderman and mary jane image that took me too long to find#do you know what i'm talking about#i really liked the sketch i did so i was excited to do the finished image but the process was painful#still not entirely happy with it if you see it change later no you didn't#“posting something portal later” doesn't post for 2 days#lesson learned don't listen to me#does wheatley look smug or annoyed cause i was going for smug but someone said he looked annoyed and thats not#he has hair#chell
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watching this feels like I went through 10 divorces
#agatha all along#agatha harkness#rio vidal#kathryn hahn#aubrey plaza#agathario#agatha x rio#this is a textbook lesbians divorce proceeding#but really tho I can feel rio's pain T_T#feels like I'm watching my parents get divorced asdfgayhjkl#and guess what?#I COUNTED#IT TOOK RIO 20 SECONDS TO RESPOND OKAY AFTER HEARING ALL THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU BIT#like the gay death was so freaking hurt by the biggest B in town#don't talk to me i'll go cry in the corner for the next century#im making this to share my grief with you all#don't blame me
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he's our little brother. take care of him.
anne carson - antigone / alec benjamin - if we have each other / dan pearce - single dad laughing: the best of year one / kodaline - brother
#dean winchester voice we're gonna fix you up. that's my job right? to look after my pain in the ass little brother.#[guy who's not over marineford voice] yeah i'm sooo over marineford#tried to read the manga for reference. got sad about ace and luffy again. thus the cycle continues#asl brothers#ace#luffy#sabo#riko.txt#one piece#op spoilers#kinda???? it's been out for over a decade. everyone talks about it#btw you have NO IDEA how much it took for me to not include the spn gif i made for this. or the shinazugawa bros scene. you know the one.#anyway. hahaha. heehee. hohohoho. i'm an older brother. i have a younger sister. and. i get it.#she was having a bad time a few months back and i remember telling her i'd do anything for her. i don't think i've ever meant anything more#so. yeah. i get it.
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it really feels like there's this culture right now on Tumblr like
"be okay with friends and loved ones not talking to you! be okay with friends and loved ones leaving you for months on end! don't ever expect anyone to text you back! omg you want friends to actually CONTACT you? you feel hurt when you're always the one reaching out? wow just say you hate mentally ill people and go!"
I've seen a lot of folks saying that it's your responsibility to work on abandonment issues if you have them, and that's true. but nobody ever says "maybe work on not abandoning people, too"
#interpersonal relationships#everything has to be casual and you have to be fine with people leaving you and never feel any sort of pain or frustration with that#or you're a Bad Person#is the vibe#you don't have to give your all to stay in my life but you have to give SOMETHING#in terms of showing you even want me around#I'm sorry you had a depressive episode and that's why you stopped talking to me. we can discuss this and maybe work it out#but it can't be all me giving and all you taking in terms of effort to get back into the swing of things
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Um if you write Jason having to get drugs for Catherine I want you dead btw. Not only does it tell me you assume the average drug dealer would give the hard shit to a very small child and then not supervise them at all (classist stereotype that all drug dealers are inherently evil + lazy writing with no grasp on reality) and you genuinely think that Catherine was CONSTANTLY high, as if that's even possible without overdosing far sooner than she did. That's without even getting into the bad mom Catherine propaganda.
#dc#jason todd#Catherine Todd#I don't like talking about personal shit on the Internet#but I'm someone who grew up in a family of addicts and dealers and the attitude so many of these fics have#is so fucked up#like yeah my uncle would give a 15 year old weed but he won't even let them be in the house while he's doing coke#every dealer I've ever met had been THRILLED about my enthusiasm towards school and they always encouraged me#Multiple of them have given me actual job opportunities because they know a lot of people and they help their own#you guys actually just hate poor people and demonize addiction!#it's actually starting to piss me off#you don't have to write Cathy as a perfect example of morality#but if you turn her into a neglectful monster I assume you're either classist or projecting#it actually is possible to write Jason parentifying himself in order to take care of Cathy#without blaming a terminally ill woman who was already dying and likely in immense pain#you guys could be critiquing capitalism and our healthcare system and how it fails the most vulnerable people in our society#but instead you're playing up how gross and evil addicts and dealers and petty crooks are to make Jason's lige sadder???#his life already sucks you don't have to be classist to make it worse I promise
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You ever think about how in spite of knowing their exact locations, the game never gives any indication that templar Carver has reported his mage sibling, Merril (a blood mage) or Anders (an abomination) to his superiors?
I do think about that a lot, even though I tend to ignore the Templar Carver route because I know Warden Carver to be true in my heart and soul... but I totally get the appeal of Templar Carver within DA2's narrative, y'know?
It's so fascinating, really. I've never played a run with Templar Carver, I just can't bring myself to do it, so I know I'm missing out on smaller details of it. From what I do know, this drives me crazy in the best way possible.
Deciding whether to bring him or not to the Deep Roads is such an important choice, not only because it affects his fate, but how it affects his relationship to Hawke. He tells you that he wants to go, he makes it very clear that it's important to him that he goes, too... and Hawke can just leave him behind and it hurts him. I don't think that registers enough with some people just because of how Carver is, like it doesn't matter what Hawke's motivations are [staying behind for his safety, not wanting to bring him, thinking someone should stay with Leandra, etc] it still hurts him because it tells him that Hawke doesn't need him, and Carver wants to be needed.
And yes, there are other contributing factors to why he joins the templars, but it doesn't matter what your relationship is to him, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't turn Hawke or his companions in.
Sure, the meta reason is it's a video game and you're playing the main character. You're never in any actual danger of being captured by templars, and you're not going to lose your companions to them that easy.
But if we look at it through the narrative and Carver's character, that's when it gets interesting. You can max out his rivalry and be an utter asshole to him [there's a point where you can call him a brat and mock him for being stuck in your shadow, like Hawke can be real cruel about it] but it doesn't matter, you're still his sibling. He even makes a remark about how you might not know what that means [referring to leaving him behind] but he does. He refuses to kill Hawke in the end when Meredith makes the order, too.
Which can I just point out that Hawke has the option to let Bethany die in the end if she's with the circle and they side with the templars? Just saying, Carver NEVER does that no matter what, but Hawke has the option to betray Bethany like that and it's fucked and interesting and it makes me want to eat my chair-
As for Merrill and Anders, I think he knows that if he turns either of them in, then the chances of Hawke being brought in as well skyrocket. They're all friends, they're in the same group... bring one in, and you'll probably get the other two.
I also think Carver just genuinely likes Merrill. Yes, I'm a Carver/Merrill shipper, so I have a bias, but even if you remove anything romantic from their dynamic I believe that's true. Of all the companions, Merrill is the only one who doesn't make fun of him, or find him annoying, in party banters. He never snaps back at her, like he's never defensive with her, he's just a little awkward and nice.
Like, HE'S SO NICE TO HER! He tries to find common ground with her! She asks him about "swording" and he's taken aback by her saying he's good at it, but you KNOW that if someone like Anders asked him the same question, he's be all, "shut up, you're stupid, stop talking to me >:["
Think back to that banter Carver can have with Aveline post-act 1 where they're talking about how the guard wasn't the right place for him [hard disagree with you there, Aveline] and Carver says he was a bit of a tit, wasn't he.... and every companion will agree except Merrill. She doesn't say anything, whereas other companions like Anders will be like "ugh maker YES" and if you have a purple Hawke, they'll go on to other ways Carver was a tit like?? I think Carver and Merrill got along and he doesn't want to turn her in because she was nice to him! And she's a blood mage! He knows what will happen to her if the templars get ahold of her! He doesn't want to see her made tranquil or killed!
At that point, he's witnessed what bad blood mages can do, assuming you've brought him along for those quests, but even so. He knows Merrill isn't like that and he likes her, so of course he's not going to turn her in despite that being his literal duty.
Then there's Anders who Carver doesn't like. If you're in a romance with him, Carver will tell him that's why he doesn't turn him in but c'mon Carver, you know that's not the only reason. My theory is Carver may not like Anders and he knows the man's got a spirit of justice inside of him... but Anders also runs a free clinic. If he's ever taken in by templars, then so many people [including a LOT of Fereldan refugees] will be without free health care and will suffer for it. I think in Carver's eyes, Anders might be irritating but he doesn't more good than harm. Carver knows first hand how shitty refugees and poorer people are treated in Kirkwall. Anders' clinic is the one place they can go for help and actually get it, and he's not going to be the one to take that away because the templars say "magic bad."
So yeah, I'm not as informed about the Templar Carver route, but I do think about how if I did do that route, he wouldn't betray Hawke or their companions no matter what and what that says about him.
#asks#dragon age 2#da2#carver hawke#da2 merrill#da2 anders#listen i love carver hawke okay he and bethany are my favorite companions in da2#i could talk endlessly about the twins and their roles in story and how unfair it is that only one of them can make it to kirkwall#meaning we hardly get to see them interact with each other before one dies and UGH#like i get it their stories rely heavily on them being the only mage or non-mage in the sibling trio so both of them living#would've meant writing two different origins stories for them with different attitudes affected by having another siblings that like them#but also i think if hawke's a rogue then leandra should've died and we could've worked it out okay#ANYWAY... templar carver amirite? i know i should go that route just to say i have and to see it for myself but hhhnnnggggg...#it physically pains me to think of not bringing him to the deep roads though it's so important to him and my hawke works so hard#to repair his relationship with his brother okay i max out carver's friendship every time and it's so worth it#you don't understand okay friendship carver is the best he's so goddamn sweet i can't handle it#it's actually so interesting how bethany and carver start out versus how they end because bethany starts out as the super sweet one#whereas carver's surly and bitter... but past act 1? it's like they flip?? at least on the warden paths like bethany is BRUTAL#she's so fucking bitter and rude and I love it?? like her relationship with hawke is in the trenches whereas carver's is vastly improved#again no matter your approval with him when you reunite in act 2 he will ALWAYS tell hawke that 'i'm sure you did your best'#referring to leandra's death but bethany's response will change depending on your approval with her#and if i remember right the rivalry response is OOF#carver and bethany turn me into a little giggling gremlin i love them so much
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I think my favorite thing about doing ginger red hair instead of cherry red hair is: lying to people about it
#I love the cherry red / wine red and I'll probably go back at some point bc it's my Origin.#but for now.#I don't actively lie to people but bc it's a Natural and Plausible hair color#and I'm already pale and I dye my eyebrows to match my hair. ppl figure it's natural#and it has come up MULTIPLE TIMES. and I've recently been rolling with it instead of correcting ppl. bc who cares?#recent examples that come to mind (but I did correct them in this one) my surgeon assuming it was natural#and using my genetics as a natural redhead as a baseline to tell me about what I can expect from my future scarring#and then again later with the anesthesia. they were going to dose me differently#the anesthesiologist glanced at me when I came into the OR and was getting the stuff ready on his cart#and when he heard me talking to my doc and re-telling him that oh the hair isn't natural#he was behind the curtain like FUCK#taking shit off his cart and quietly redoing his setup#that's how I learned that redheads need higher doses of anesthesia than other ppl.#they also need more of the topical stuff like lidocaine. apparently they metabolize it faster(?)#ANYWAY he was going to up my dose thinking I needed it lol#so i almost got way more sedatives and pain meds than i needed bc of my hair dye LMAOOO#other more Normal Life examples was a country dude in full hunting gear holding a door open for me someplace#and I said thank you and he lifted his hat up to point at his (natural) red hair and said ''twins!''#this one sticks with me because that was such a cute thing to do. what the hell#and at snakefest I was talking to some people at their food truck. there was an older guy who trapped me into a convo for like 30mins#he was Very Nice. and they were going to some type of irish festival next and said I should go too bc I'll be right at home#flat out just was like. this bitch looks irish#and I don't know why all of this is so funny to me. it has no reason to be.
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I think when people conceptualize pain and disability, what they think of is something like this:
It's conceptualized as something you are cured from, that pain can be only temporary, and you will one day "get better."
In reality, it's something more like this:
Pain is often non-linear in nature. When you see somebody in low-pain days, weeks, or perhaps longer, that doesn't mean that they have "healed." Not all pain is curable, and the idea that it is is only hurting people who experience pain. Yes, it is uncomfortable to imagine that we might not be able to heal, that we might, in fact, become disabled by pain that will never heal. But running from this possibility is not the solution.
#disability#chronic pain#described images#image description in alt#sorry about my handwriting i was using an art program on my phone <3#plus it isn't a graph based on like... empirical data. it's illustrative of an attitude i see from often abled people#i'm having a good-ish week so far with my pain but that doesn't mean it is gone#i know i have talked about this before but i wanted to do it more as an image than text#i think it can help people understand better (at least it does for me)#man i don't think i've made a graph since mid high school LMAO
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Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.
#my stuff#i feel soooo bad talking to my therapist about the same topics over multiple weeks#like i feel like they're sooo sick of it like damn can this bitch get Over It alreadyyyy#hi yes actually can we talk about the near catastrophic sense of betrayal and loss that has haunted my soul for over a month?#can we talk about how I overcompensate for other's possible feelings and emotions to desperately mask my terror at feeling out of control#can we talk about how even when I know ppl acted with logical reasons necessary for their situation it still hurt me?#and that this pain fills me up with so much anger and frustration that I'm powerless to put anywhere that won't hurt someone#so it just cooks me inside and makes me grind my teeth constantly for weeks#im so angry i did not deserve to be treated like this it's not fair and I have no capacity to fix it or control when it feels better#i just have to survive and wait until i forget about it and hope they don't decide to reach out and fuck it all up#cause i can see that happening#i'll finally be free of thinking about them and generally going about my day unbothered and they'll ask to get coffee or something#and I have no idea what I should do in that scenario. because I don't think we can be friends.#and you have not treated me with the compassion and warmth I treated you#i would want to say mean things. hurtful things. I would want to bite back for once.#and that's not me. that's not who I want to be.#i don't wanna see you. go away. don't talk to me if you're not going to make the pain go away.
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walking through lucanis' mind prison. the tam lin of it all
#his mind keeps changing forms and you just have to show him you won't let go of him#it doesn't even really matter what you say to him just that you're consistently there to say it. your voice is a comfort. im in pain#I'm having so many feelings about like... rook can't be here. because of all things in the world rook means 'safe'. what if I exploded#what if I just shattered into a thousand pieces and was swept away by the wind actually#'it's better that I stay here than risk losing you' is such pitch perfect trauma logic. freeze logic specifically#on some level he seems to think he keeps rook safe like. existentially. by staying here#it's heartbreaking child magical thinking that makes me wonder like. has he basically been in a place like this inside#ever since his parents died? before that? the ossuary is just new set dressing the underlying logic is OLD. and very very sad to me#'I keep everyone safe by staying here'#(and then the perfect hilarity of having an actual demon be like 'ROOK. YOU TALK TO HIM HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME'#tfw your inner demon gets worried enough to stage an intervention and get you therapy whether you want it or not lmao)#dragon age#dragon age spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#rook x lucanis#lucanis dellamorte#rookanis#rye staying mostly in gentle professional mode for this one b/c this is literally his training#('I may not be batting a hundred at being a person but I DO know how to deal with fade shenanigans! not to worry I've got you')#except in that last part with the illario mind ghost where he roundaboutly admits 'I need you I don't know how to do this without you'#in rye speak that is very big it's like. third base of his soul or something. we do not ask for things for ourselves in this house#(because we already know we will not receive anyway so that sounds both humiliating and ultimately pointless. no thank you!)#and yet. the things we'll admit for love#the feeling that some of the things varric did for rye immediately post-exile rye is paying forward with lucanis now. don't look at me
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Your typical horse girl movie, but it's an imperial civilian and a heavily wounded SAPR (that gets confused as a MNHR for most of the story)
#Listen there are lots of shenanigans that can go on with Mynahs and Schnappers canonically having the same frame#and to me it's hilarous the mental image of a naive civilian going#“Wait! These ones are pacifists!! She's just scared and in pain!!!! give me a chance I CAN FIX HER!!!”#(meanwhile the SAPR is mumbling under her breath death threats in german)#I just think it would be funny and maybe kinda interesting#specially if it turns out the imperial “enemy” ends up treating her better than her actual squad that ditched her and left her to die#idk what i'm talking about anymore#don't mind me#signalis#sosa's story concepts
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Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.
When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.
On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.
I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.
I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.
So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.
I wish I'd realized this before.
*(I discuss splitting in the tags)
#actuallynpd#actuallybpd#actuallyautistic#relationship advice#communication skills#I added the autism tag because we missed the social cues that would have alerted us of this early on#and that sure is a big thing we talk about in therapy.#Accidentally hurting people is so painful. We learned this back in 2020 and have been#practicing it ever since. We've wanted to share this with others because honestly a post like this would have prevented a lot of pain and#conflict.#And as promised; about the splitting-#This isn't a post meant to shame anyone for struggling with intense anger or distrust or splitting or any other symptom#My partner and I both have PDs. I've learned to self-regulate intense anger before venting. I've learned how to use more neutral words even#when I don't feel them. And when he splits on me he tells me he's having a BPD moment and that he needs some time alone#That's okay and healthy <3 Mental illness is tough. PTSD is tough. I often jump to the worst conclusions because I'm scared of being hurt.#I've just learned to handle it differently.#I wanted to clarify that because I don't want anyone to think they're inherently bad for having trauma reactions. My goal was to make the#type of post I needed back then when I lacked that social awareness. I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame and that was really#really hard. But it was so worth it. I'm so so glad she told me.
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I don't consider myself part of 'the queer community'. I actively avoid groups, labels, gatherings. I don't need to describe why.
But is transandrophobia one of the reasons?
Lol, duh. No shit.
#deadbeat talks.#trans nsft#gay nsft#mlm nsft#transandrophobia#transmisandry#misandry#'being a man must be so boring' 'don't you just hate it when men' 'being a gay can't be a choice bc who would willingly pick men?'#choke?? lol.#vent post#personal vent#hell repackaged and internalized homophobia is just shoved in my face by fellow gay men like. im not laughing at your self hatred.#i like men. you wanna be friends with the manhaters so bad go kiss them then. since kissing men is SUCH a fucking pain.#you wanna specify bigots specify bigots. you wanna specify trends specify trends.#you're not specifying when you fucking say men and congrats i don't wanna hang around your fucking fem only club.#saw 'being a man must be so boring' as a reel comment and ik exactly who they meant and ik exactly who it actually hits.#not interested not interested not interested blocked blocked blocked - I'm very. Fucking. Tired.#Ive ditched several 'friends'. girls. fem aligned ppl. nonbinary ppl. 'oh im not talking about like- TRANS men-' I'll say it again. choke.#i did not work through cultural fearmongering as a child teaching me to be scared of my male classmates and scared of my masculine self.#i did not work through unlearning homophobia and accepting femininity through detaching dysphoria from hating all things feminine.#i did not learn the difference between toxic masculinity and healthily being oneself and ultimately accepting myself as a man.#i did not go through being accepting myself as tomboy girl then a hesitantly queer nonbinary then a finally steady trans man.#to have practically EVERYTHING I FUCKING SEE from supposed allies queers and feminists be 'lol men amirite'.#again.#choke.#i did not learn the markers of abuse assault and true predatory behavior and how it was separate from gender and anyone could do it.#for ppl to then turn on ME for being a man.#you want your abusive boyfriend your misogynistic father your creeper uncle your hatecriming classmates whoever to treat you as a person.#you're not. talking. to all. men.#and you're sure as shit not talking to me.
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fascinating how when you look up ways to make your bruxism better the answer is always "don't be stressed" and "don't have anxiety" like... thanks! lemme just quickly rewire my brain
#i'm IN PAIN#and i need it to stop NOW#i don't have money for a psycologist! give me a fucking quick if temporary solution goddamnit#kdjfhgdfg#angel talks#personal
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Me, when I first played Death of The Outsider when it came out: love the game but I don't like either ending
Me now, literally crying as Daud fades into the void and the Outside is set free: I was a fool! This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
#when daud said farewell... and then when Billie talked about having second chances of being better and forgiving and... and...#I'm not kidding I cried for real lol#I got emotional since the moment I heard daud's last recording but the non-lethal ending finished the job#(yes I played doto right after dh2 because it's been a while and my chronic pain has been killing me this week so I figured I deserved it)#(so yeah I spent my weekend on ibuprofen and playing lol don't judge me)#death of the outsider#dishonored#dishonored 2#billie lurk#the outsider#daud#I love them all so much....
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