#don't mind me just going through it rn

[hemonoir]

"And while I don’t have a traumatic brain injury, that I’m aware of at least"

Oh yeah man, I'm so fucking sure.

Hey remember that time you crashed when you were around 10? Yeah yeah, you know, the time you went down a steep concrete hill/road so fast that you flew off of your bike?

And how despite wearing a helmet, you hit the ground so hard that it instantly knocked you unconscious? Oh but it's no big deal, the fact that between the time you crashed and were eventually woken up by a concerned dad and his kids the sky had went from bright blue to orange and purple.

Then you limped all the way home on your mangled bike, jacket so bloody and torn up that you had to throw it away. And the real kicker, is you never went to the hospital.

I am so fucking sure that event you for so long let yourself believe was an innocuous funny childhood story didn't have any lasting impact on you.

Don't think too hard about that fact all it took for your mom to have a life-altering TBI was hitting her forehead against the driving wheel, something that didn't even knock her unconscious.

Don't think too hard about how much you struggled in school, or how as an adult life has become so difficult because of executive dysfunction despite no matter what you do in an attempt to make progress, nothing budges. Or how no medication, even when it helps a little, seems to have the effects you'd hoped for.

Don't think about how cognitive tasks just don't stick for you, how attempts at problem solving muddle your brain and leave you in a dissociated trance. Or how you freeze and lose the ability to speak beyond animal whines and grunts or singular words whenever stressed, those are just episodes, you're just mentally ill but not applying yourself hard enough.

It would be far too unrealistic for you to have horrible repeat cptsd AND an undocumented Brain Injury that would answer all of the questions you never had answers to. It's gotta be one or the other man, don't be absurd.

Don't question why you've been so fixated on TBI's and how one after the other these memories are coming back, repressed memories are a scam and you're gonna make yourself believe something you made up in your head.

Kids get hurt all the time. It was just a bike crash man. You DEFINATELY don't have a traumatic brain injury.

These two have one very special thing in common!! And it has to do with their respective fandom portrayals 👀

If I had a dollar for every fandom I’ve been in that fluffy wholesome babyfied a man with frontal lobe damage, I’d have two dollars.

Which certainly isn’t enough to cover my medical expenses.

-

In all seriousness though, this phenomenon is exhausting. While I haven’t checked in on the goings on of the FNaF fandom in a while, the stuff with Mituna still going strong to this day gets to me more than I’d like to admit.

I’ve had multiple family members, including my own mom, get into accidents that left them with traumatic brain injuries of varying functionality. Most of which being brain injuries of the frontal lobe, that affected their personality, reasoning and impulse control, mobility, communication, and stress induced episodes of worsening symptoms.

And while I don’t have a traumatic brain injury, that I’m aware of at least, it’s a topic that’s severely important to me due to the affect it’s had on people I know, and because I share many of the symptoms and experiences they had due to the faults in my mental development.

And it just. Grosses me out. When I see these characters babied or put in stressful situations because “it’s cute.”

Cause like. I assure you, most people with traumatic brain injuries or cognitive disorders like mine will tell you being infantilized is on the top of the shit-list in terms of what you could do to piss them off or trigger a meltdown.

And again, as someone who’d qualify under being PRESCRIBED assisted suicide. As a reminder, that is still a REAL FUCKING THING legally offered in America and Canada should they deem someone mentally ill/disabled a “loss cause.” I CANNOT describe the revulsion I feel seeing Mituna primarily shipped with a man who told him he should be euthanized.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[stevefightmerogerss]

i miss her (sebastian stan's ponytail from the loewe fashion show)

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

couple of mello + near doodles

[stormyoceans]

@ GOD ME WHEN

[skrunksthatwunk]

idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.

the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.

yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.

but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?

this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.

yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.

i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.

so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.

because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.

he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.

but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.

yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.

[i-eat-deodorant]

starting an actual job soon and between the paperwork and stress i've had little to no time to actually do fandom stuff waoops sorry to all those whose asks i haven't answered

maybe i'll come back when things have settled down irl

[rapidhighway]

dad just sent me an ominous text to intimidate me ig

[camellcat]

I KNOW there is a pipeline from teen wolf to doctor who (or the other way around) but I haven't figured it out. I just. I see you. I see stiles stilinski pop up far too often for there not to be one.

and I don't even like most of you bc it's the same fuckin sterek hating scott mccall lovers (me) vs scott mccall hating sterek lovers (you), but in a completely different fandom. it's absolutely tragic.

[chaseisglitched]

it is a requirement to have the jse egos slay absolute penis and have gay lil outfits

[lesbianwords]

i NEED to get back into writing but it's so hard and im being so brave about it😭

[themagical1sa]

"i like you and i blame you for making me feel this way" he said

i still think about it

[mostlikelytofangirl]

I'm sorry if I caused you more stress. You did say that you had stuff to deal with irl but I assumed it was just a full schedule and free time was the issue, not other things. Please know that I respect your media preferences and understand that destressing is important.

Good luck with your stuff!

-Regular Anon

Thank you ;u;

Aha yeah. I mean, it was (and still is) mostly a time issue. Tis the season of rush and craziness, and I'm always in the organization team for everything Christmas at my job. Since I'm trapped there from 9 to 6 five days a week, it can be extra draining ^^;

But now it also happens that the owners of the company I work for are seriously considering selling the location and be done with the company as a whole bc they are manchildren that can't allow the other guy to get even a penny more from their partnership.

Soooo to the normal stress of the holidays, I have an added dose of job insecurity and bosses that not only couldn't care less, but expect us to be all merry and grateful :/

It's... definitely something, my employment situation rn, and I'm afraid that that leaves me with very few physical, mental and emotional energy for stuff that my adhd brain doesn't enjoy and actually distracts it from this entire shitshow 😅

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already

[sukugo]

i too wish i could search your blog i remember you posted some makeshift titles (?) for a few wips you were working on and wish i could find it 🥺 you have such hot ideas

ahhhh thank you!!!!! 🥺🥺💖💞 and yesss, u can find that post here! (also i may have added links to the desc of each wip 🥰 just for u) i also did do another wip game here if u were looking for that one (tho that one's mostly art)

but yeah the lack of searchability does SUCK :(, THO!!! ur ask gave me such a good idea, which is to make a navigation pinned post which will literally make my life (and also urs and of anyone who wants to go through my blog) so MUCH easier. can't believe i didnt think of that before ahkfhdkdh.

i'll probs be making that tomorrow or one of these days🥰

[shiningstages]

Me lookin' at my lil content: d'aaaaaaaw it's so cute~

I wanted to do stuff before work, but I like blanked out since I'm sleepy (went to bed around 1? 2?? then woke up at 7:11; not terrible but not like Great) then did my required stretchies / looked up stuff for things~ Tomorrow I have my last PT session and follow-up, and then I plan on cleaning my room / generally just chilling out since it has been Forever, but now...I will try and schedule in time for OC thoughts today and tomorrow (still have to decide if Atlas would be primal or astral...and maybe compare some story stuff to make sure it's not stepping on any Canon toes...but maybe we also don't care about that second bit ghffjghfgvcccgkhf).

[noxtivagus]

i love final fantasy.