#don't know what happened with the last post lol
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Thinking about Elizabeth Woodville as a gothic heroine is making me go insane. She entered the story by overturning existing social structures, provoking both ire and fascination. She married into a dynasty doomed to eat itself alive. She was repeatedly associated with the supernatural, both in terms of love and death. Her life was shaped entirely by uncanny repetitions - two marriages, two widowhoods, two depositions, two flights to sanctuary, two ultimate reclamations, all paralleling and ricocheting off each other. Her plight after 1483 exposed the true rot at the heart of the monarchy - the trappings of royalty pulled away to reveal nothing, a never-ending cycle of betrayal and war, the price of power being the (literal) blood of children. She lived past the end of her family name, she lived past the end of her myth. She ended her life in a deeply anomalous position, half-in and half-out of royal society. She was both a haunting tragedy and the ultimate survivor who was finally free.
#elizabeth woodville#nobody was doing it like her#I wanted to add more things (eg: propaganda casting her as a transgressive figure and a threat to established orders; the way we'll never#truly Know her as she's been constantly rewritten across history) but ofc neither are unique to her or any other historical woman#my post#wars of the roses#don't reblog these tags but - the thing about Elizabeth is that she kept winning and losing at the same time#She rose higher and fell harder (in 1483-85) than anyone else in the late 15th century#From 1461 she was never ever at lasting peace - her widowhood and the crisis of 1469-71 and the actual terrible nightmare of 1483-85 and#Simnel's rebellion against her family and the fact that her birth family kept dying with her#and then she herself died right around the time yet another Pretender was stirring and threatening her children. That's...A Lot.#Imho Elizabeth was THE adaptor of the Wars of the Roses - she repeatedly found herself in highly anomalous and#unprecedented situations and just had to survive and adjust every single time#But that's just...never talked about when it comes to her#There are so many aspects of her life that are potentially fascinating yet completely unexplored in scholarship or media:#Her official appointment in royal councils; her position as the first Englishwoman post the Norman Conquest to be crowned queen#and what that actually MEANT for her; an actual examination of the propaganda against her; how she both foreshadowed and set a precedent#for Henry VIII's english queens; etc#There hasn't even been a proper reassessment of her role in 1483-85 TILL DATE despite it being one of the most wildly contested#periods in medieval England#lol I guess that's what drew me to Elizabeth in the first place - there's a fundamental lack of interest or acknowledgement in what was#actually happening with her and how it may have affected her. There's SO MUCH we can talk about but historians have repeatedly#stuck to the basics - and even then not well#I guess I have more things to write about on this blog then ((assuming I ever ever find the energy)#also to be clear while the Yorkists did 'eat themselves alive' they also Won - the crisis of 1483-85 was an internal conflict within#the dynasty that was not related to the events that ended in 1471 (which resulted in Edward IV's victory)#Henry Tudor was a figurehead for Edwardian Yorkists who specifically raised him as a claimant and were the ones who supported him#specifically as the husband of Elizabeth of York (swearing him as king only after he publicly swore to marry her)#Richard's defeat at Bosworth had *nothing* to do with 'York VS Lancaster' - it was the victory of one Yorkist faction against another#But yes the traditional line of succession was broken by Richard's betrayal and the male dynastic line was ultimately extinguished.
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i will never understand how or why the httyd movies did the books such an injustice.
the movies aren't even an adaptation - they stole the name of the series, the name of some of the characters and places, and the general idea that there are dragons. honestly, i would be fine with the movies and maybe even like them if they didn't capitalize off of cressida cowell's incredible books that never get any credit.
the books are an amazing story about the cycle of violence and how vengeance and revenge is dangerous. hiccup says that the past is a ghost story, one we need to learn from to better ourselves. the books are about how everyone deserves freedom, how every creature, every being on the earth deserves to be free. we see that in the slavemark, with the dragons.
and like... hiccup is so different. they did him a severe injustice. he's scrawny and intelligent and learned to talk to dragons simply by observing them! he chooses kindness first above all else; instead of yelling at toothless to train him, he is kind. and in the end, that kindness is why toothless chose to save him. bc even toothless himself says that dragons are inherently selfish creatures who care only for their survival. hiccup is brave - his beliefs differ drastically from both the vikings and the world.
hiccup is a child who chose to do the right thing even at the expense of himself. he agreed to free the slaves on nobert's ship, and in return, they gave him the slavemark which is easy to give but cannot be removed. he was like twelve. and having the slavemark means he cannot be with his tribe or his family, it means he isn't considered a human being anymore. and he keeps it a secret for awhile until it's revealed and when it is everyone turns their backs on hiccup. his family, his tribe, his mentor, people he TRUSTED. everyone except fishlegs, and, once she got over the shock, camicazi. he was thirteen. and even when he lost his memories and was really injured, he persisted. he was told to go to tomorrow and to save the dragons and he did bc in his heart he knew it was right even though he didn't know who he was or how he got there.
and fishlegs,,, oh my god FISHLEGS!!! the did him SO DIRTY!!! fishlegs is hiccup's best friend, one of the main motivators for hiccup. he steals norbert's potato for the sake of fishlegs, he gives fishlegs his dragon and goes to retrieve another, he takes the blame for fishlegs. and fishlegs does the same for him. he takes the slavemark with pride. he refuses to turn. he gives hiccup his lobster claw necklace which is his most prized possession. he is brave for hiccup, he believes hiccup is alive. he fights for hiccup harder than anyone else ever has. he does not turn. his is loyal, has allergies, has asthma, has a squint and a limp, has glasses bc he's blind without them... and he's still a hero despite being a runt, despite everyone even the adults telling him he's hopeless, telling hiccup to leave him behind.
and they cut camicazi! i'm sorry, but astr*d is nothing compared to camicazi. camicazi is a tiny, feral child who can easily best hiccup, fishlegs, and pretty much anyone in a sword fight. she can bring a grown man to tears with her rudery and smack talk. she is recklessly brave and craves adventure and follows hiccup blindly bc she trusts him that much. she isn't in love with hiccup - in fact she doesn't care about romance and love. she gives up everything to help hiccup bc she has a strong sense of justice. she is the motivator, the cheerleader, she finds a positive in everything. she never gives up. literally never gives up. and that's one of the most inspiring things about her: she always has hope.
and toothless! god!!! toothless is *thought to be* a common or garden dragon. he is horrifically tiny, he is literally toothless, and is the biggest brat in the world. he will cause problems on purpose. he has a stutter, he's the most selfless selfish dragon around. he and hiccup can talk to each other. he masks his fear with singing and being annoying. his growth is remarkable. he starts off refusing to obey hiccup, doing the opposite of what he says, making life harder for literally everyone around him, and he's still somewhat like that. but he's also braver, more caring, more willing to make sacrifices for the sake of others. he's clever, which he needs to be to make up for his size and aggression. he protects hiccup with everything he has, therefore, he protects what hiccup cares about just as hard. he was the only dragon that didn't abandon the vikings in the first book bc he cared about hiccup.
and snotlout,,, god,,, i will never forgive the movies for butchering snotlout. hiccup's cousin, the bully character, the one who is horrifically jealous that hiccup's dad was born before his. the one who desperately wants to prove himself, to be worthy, to make people proud. and you hate him, you despise him. he betrays everyone many times bc of the nothing promised to him by alvin and his mom. he loses himself, turns his back on himself, all bc he wants to prove himself. all bc he wants to be better than hiccup. and hiccup still forgives him and gives him chances, sometimes out of pity, but also bc snotlout is his cousin. he can't just turn his back on him no matter how miserable snotlout made his life. and in the end, snotlout sacrifices himself for hiccup. he gives up his life for hiccup in one last attempt to set things right. his death and the events preceding it are one of my absolute favorite moments in the book. gives me chills. makes me cry.
that's the thing with the books - they're so realistic. there is no inherently happy ending where everything works out. the first book begins with "there were dragons when i was a boy", implying that they're gone now. the books show there are consequences to our actions. they enslaved the dragons, they fought against them during the dragon rebellion all bc alvin and his mom said to, and now they're gone bc a simple apology doesn't fix hundreds of years of enslavement. and the only way for the world to move forward was for the dragons to leave and heal on their own. and now they have to learn to live without them. and yeah i've heard the third movie ends like that but. it doesn't have the build up. it doesn't have "there were dragons when i was a boy". it doesn't have eleven books of development to back it up, to make it feel meaningful.
i know that the movies are really special to a lot of people. i know that, on their own, they're genuinely good movies. i can acknowledge that the soundtrack is amazing and the animation is beautiful. i just can't see past the way they butchered the world that i love, the world that i grew up with. i can't see past the way people yelled at me for saying i liked the books better, the way that people gave me weird looks when i showed them a picture of the original toothless, when i tell them that nightfuries aren't even a type of dragon. cressida cowell created hundreds of different dragons, and the movies couldn't even pick from that. i can't forgive the way that barely anyone knows there are books bc the movie barely gives credit to them. i cannot forgive the way they capitalized off the books and then shoved them aside. i know cressida thinks they're good movies and i know a lot of httyd book fans also like them. but i just... i cannot get over how much they changed and how they missed so much and ignored the books. also they got rid of camicazi so hiccup could have a love interest and that is unforgivable to me.
if you disagree, that is a-okay. we're all entitled to our own opinions. i just ask that you, perhaps, try the books out. give them a chance. bc they're amazing works of art and also just like. don't yell at people who don't like the movies? whether it's bc they prefer the books or just aren't into that kind of movie. and just remember that dreamworks didn't come up with the story; cressida cowell did.
#corey talks:)#this has been in my drafts forever but i saw something that made me have feelings and so i finished it and here take this iuygfcvghuij#i justgod the books are SO GOOD and barely anyone knows theyexist#and i think that's what makes me the kost upset#or some [people chose to ignore they exist or don't give them a chance bc... i don't even know why. ppl are just so quick to dismiss them#the books are so important to me (literally got a httyd book tattoo) and i get most book fans also like the movies#but it sucks bc i can't go through the httyd tag without being bombarded with movie stuff#i'll even look up 'httyd books' and half of it is still about the movies.#i'll look up snotface snotlout and only finds movie stuff even tho ig they changed his last name in the movies???#i'll look up camicazi and find it filled with astr*d. WHAT.#i'll look u toothless and only see the freaking nightfury. not the original.#like god movie enjoyers at least tag correctly. i get you want ppl to see your posts but the more i see movie stuff in the book tag the mor#i hate the movies lol like the movies are so much more popular than the books let us have our tags okay#sorry if any of this sounds bitter also i hope it doesn't sound like i want to argue or fight#this is just my opinion and i have feelings and i just want ppl to know there are books#also i am not shaming anyone who likes the movies like i already said you do you boo just don't come at me for doing me#bc yes that has happened to me multiple times :) which is one reason why i get so upset :)#i just personally cannot separate the two. i know some ppl can and i'm glad! but i can't and that's okay too#httyd#httyd books
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My commission is like 97% finished
#criticism not welcome on this project I know what's wrong with it and don't need any more piling on with this project thank#fucking FINALLY#I have a bit of hand sewing left#I told myself no S2Pro until it's finished so my dash is just filtered post after filtered post#thing is HUGE also it has 6 feet of wire in the collar lol#I know the fur color is wrong#actually all the fabric is wrong#sourcing fabric is HARD hard#bro the main fabric is hand dyed and painted cause nothing was even remotely close#I tried ok?#this project officially had blood sweat and tears the last of which hasn't happened in a long ass time#I really went through it#melts into oblivion#cosplay updates
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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probably a take that a LOT of people are going to be angry about but I'm gonna preface with: I'm speaking on a general trend I've seen in online spaces, and my thoughts on it are not a direct callout to anyone nor an inherent indicator of if someone's DID is "real" or "fake."
but like. the way that some people will use public spaces to "chat intra-system" is so wild and even at times uncomfortable as fuck, if nothing else it's pretty wildly unsafe because like you have NO IDEA who's reading what you're writing out. Having a private discord server or a journal or a notes app or something is a much safer way to facilitate that kind of thing.
that and lowkey..... sometimes ppl doing it in public or actively sharing screenshots of it on tumblr like it's some "the group chat going wild tonight" type content just feels. So much like roleplay. It skeeves me out a bit. I know in my heart that generally using a space to try and communicate with other parts of the system is a healthy coping mechanism that a lot of therapists recommend but so many times that I see that posted it feels like that meaning and healing has been lost and in some cases borders on roleplaying or content farming and it makes me so uncomfortable
#like you don't have to and SHOULDNT be posting every little thing all the time to the internet especially when it comes to within-the-system#making your coping mechanisms into public displays is so bad for mental health#and I would know because I used to do that so often when I was younger and it fucked me up so bad#and again this isn't some callout or vagueposting abt anyone in particular just the trend of this happening feels yucky to me#bc especially with the content that goes out it gets hard to tell who's genuinely just wanting to share and who might be trying to just#generate content and likes and squeeze out every bit of what the internet will eat tf up#actually dissociative#actually did#did#dissociative#dissociative identity disorder#I'm welcome to discussing this btw but if you're a dick about it or start the infantilizing shit I'm blocking on sight#I'm just so over the ableist garbage over the last two days lol#tpwh
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from appletv's instagram story
#heh. they don't even know about callum turner's secret instagram account#(in complete fairness tho it's private and it's pretty funny slash weird that i even know the damn thing exists)#also- obsessed with how they're highlighting all these 6 main guys like they're the Hottest shit#while knowing Damn Well nate mann doesn't have Any social media!!#all the behind the scenes pics and videos i combed through and Anything rosie rosenthal has literally been within the last few months!#oh how i Struggled! the Pain!!#also follow them or not. do what you want. all i can say is that in My experience-#austin butler posts less than nothing about MotA. ig his account is 'too professional' (all of 5 posts rn) but Give It A Rest my guy!#the most i've ever seen of MotA barry has been Exclusively through cary fukunaga's videos from 2021. zilch since then so idk#anthony is a very light Sometimes. like it Might happen. if anything he leaves a Bunch of funny comments on the posts of other guys lol#now Mr. Rafferty Law?? undying respect. go forth and follow him. he's posted So Much MotA shit for Years- esp in stories. so real for that!#masters of the air#hbo war
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#this is such a niche gripe i guess idk its why it's in the tags#but i really get so annoyed by how a lot of this fandom acts like they know everything about her especially like where she goes#and what she does in her free time because they think they KNOW about everything but#all you know is what she chooses to show you like specifically paps like...... she calls them. all celebs do. 99.999999% of the time#these days it's how that industry works which i KNOW for a fact but like don't take my word for it if you don't believe me fine#but it's how it is and i can tell you that from professional experience but also like#the amount of friends and people i know who've seen her places all over the city for YEARS now#and there are no pap photos of her in those places nor did anyone know she went to that building/restaurant/bar/event#there are a feeeeeew places in the city which are celeb hotspots and the paps might skulk around there but that's cuz#they are known spots for that and waiters and staff tip them off for profit shares#like i know someone who saw her literally last night at a restaurant#there are no photos of her there and no paps outside#like if you think she doesn't leave the house or go somewhere without you knowing cuz you think she's papped everywhere...#thats just simply not true lol couldn't be FURTHER from true#she goes so many places and does so many things that you just don't know about. it's VERY easy to live a private life in the city#EVEN THIS WEEK she's gone more places than you've seen her getting papped at cuz i know people who've seen her!#i can't tell you the amount of famous people i've come across in these situations and the press and social media were none the wiser#people i've sat next to at a crowded brunch counter or people walking their dog or taking their kid for a bike ride like.... ALL THE TIME#famous people love new york cuz new yorkers don't bother them and they can live in relative obscurity#idk what i'm getting at i guess this weirdness like I AM GONNA SHUT DOWN ANYTHING THAT I DONT HAVE PROOF OF#is so deranged to me because...... you only have ~proof~ of like 10% of her life#so the other 90% of it didn't happen cuz.... you a blogger on the internet don't have photographic evidence of it????#IS THAT NOT THE MOST INSANE THING TO SAY????#idk really weird that people just think they know her and shut down any one who poses something that doesn't fit into their#frankensteined version of her that they made out of a bunch of paparazzi photos and flight trackers and deuxmoi posts taped together#as if THATS somehow MORE sane and a more realized person#idk if i'm making sense i'm annoyed whatever whatEVERRRRR
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I NEED my brain to stop waking me up with nightmares but
got 7 hours of sleep this time around despite it. I'm actually proud enough of that to post abt it lmaooo
#text post#that and i finally got my shot done#i say finally bc i fuckin forgor what day i did it last week but i think it was weekend time?#it is now lol#im gonna get myself out of bed now and get some shit done#so i can hopefully crash again tonight and actually sleep during the hours meant for it a little#nightmares or not bc at this point they are just Happening lol#i know they don't mean anything really but it does feel like a signal of what my brain is percolating on and it's like#bro wtf do u want me to do with any of the random bs these nightmares have had the ppl in them will NEVER apologise to us#can we pls get over it and stop dreaming abt things to do with them aksndjfbf
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#Might watch Bourne Legacy tonight just because I need comfort movie now#But in a “now please” type of way#Does that mean I'm sacrificing my sleep for movie?#Yes.#Am I upset that it has to be a war of priorities?#Yes again.#WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN#WILL J BEAT THE TEMPTATION OR WILL SHE SLEEP SO WELL AND HOPEFULLY THE BURNOUT WITH BE MORE OF A SMILEOUT#I'm not coherent#I shouldn't be posting this lol#Oh I think I'm just itching to journal since I have been too lazy to do that in the last 2 weeks#I'll go do that now.#Everyone pray that I don't forget 🙏#Many hugs#Bye bye now
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I didn't log in on Tumblr for a week bc was busy in UNI hell and the second I came back, I heard about the data sold to AI mess and what the fuck am I supposed to do or to say lol...
Anyway, I must add that I'm not going, like, anywhere else. Am I tired of this situation? YES, trust me. I've already experienced art being stolen to be handed over to AI programs (I'm talking about you, DeviantArt) but I'm exhausted from moving from one social to another. The most fucked up thing is that even with a deactivated account, your stuff can be used to training Midjourney and shit, so… like, there's not a lot to do.
The thing that makes me mad is the way Tumblr handled this. By the way they wrote the announcement, it does feel like it has already happened, and the update was just a notice.
#wren text tag#last time a thing like this happened I stopped drawing and posting for 3 years bc I had a mental breakdown lol#mostly bc before I used to draw only my ocs and it didn't feel good knowing they where being put into a meat grinder of an AI art generator#esp if you are like me -> person who spends months working on a character between design and backstory#now I use this blog only for fanart so I don't care a lot lol they are not even my characters#maybe I'll draw so much shipping art that the AI will automatically think it's a canon event lol#also I'm really REALLY rethinking my life decision of study art for a living lol#being an artist in 2020s be like#*NFT* *AI* * your drawing stolen* *your drawing reposted without credits* *erasing watermarks* *stolen artworks used to train AI*#OH YES and the “sorry we don't need an illustrator for this project (shows a poster made with AI)”#GIRLLLLL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO#I JUST WANT TO DRAW FOR FUCK'S SAKE#forever thinking about those 600+ drawings I had to delete on DA#“I'm an artist” and when I say it this is how I feel 🤡🤡🤡
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u "don't vote" motherfuckers r stupid as shit
#like yes obviously voting is not enough we all know this we are not five#but would u rather fight joe biden (half dead zionist freak) or Mr. Actively Wants To Be A Dictator and his merry goons#y'all r just dumb as rocks#and you come on to every single post on this website to say it too ha ha everyone make sure the dictator has your team colors!!!#as if that is the only reason people might have for trying to get you to vote#voting doesn't make you complicit in the government's actions because they will happen either way#literal trolley problem and you brain titans think the solution is to just say be edward cullen and stand in front of the trolley#but y'all aren't superheroes or epic vampires y'all are squishy citizens like the rest of us so its best to make the trolley easier to stop#+ half of y'all don't actually do anything to oppose the government so lol just shut up and fuck off some of us are trying to do something#and that is to say nothing of downballot races which are DIRECTLY impacting communities#and telling people not to vote period all but ensures those will fail and vulnerable communities will get fucked#all so you can tell yourself ur a special epic politics angel like just fuck off#this is coming from someone who voted green in the last election like i was there i was with y'all stupid asses#but with the way things have developed since it is completely ignorant to try and force the greens to 5% or something#that's not the system we are in#regardless all you have to do to make the battlefield more favorable is take a few hours to vote and shut up#very small price to pay to have an easier time actually advocating and making the necessary changes to stop this backslide#anyway whatever i just hate you guys i think you're stupid#no better to me than Qanoners who think they're the enlightened political masters of the universe#AND what's more every time you guys say don't vote you NEVER follow up with what people SHOULD do not once have i seen it#like at least do that at least have a real plan but y'all don't cuz as mentioned ur dumb as rocks#ok im done being angry have a good day gamers
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Attempting to design an amigurumi chibi and one of his hips is at a shaper angle than the other nfndjsk I accidentally gave him scoliosis
#Why do I keep inflicting harm on my stuffed toys bdbwhsj#First the crying bunny now this#It's barely noticeable tbf but I am a perfectionist and knowing that imperfection is there bothers me#Will I frog half of this and remake it? Very likely#All for a... What? 2 mm shift?#I am insane yes in case you were wondering#Maybe I'll just sleep on it and tomorrow I'll hate this significantly less lol#Happened for the hair of my last doll#Thyandra.txt#Anyway guys I know I keep posting about crochet but if this is annoying I'm gonna keep it to a minimum#It's just a new hobby that's completely eaten all my focus rn#You don't wanna know how many anime plushies I'm going to make#.... Trust me
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this is perhaps uncouth but give you my wild give you a child still makes me feral btw
#yes i am a peace stan#i could write a whole essay about that song lmao#(wait i think i did write a post about it last summer)#it's just... a lot#and said a lot#which is why it makes me side eye when people are like 'we don't know what she really wants' like#shit may have happened in the interim but her music and her actions spelled it out lol#but even removing taylor from the lyrics#it's just such an intimate song#and that line in particular#imagine just confessing all of your vulnerabilities and hopes and dreams like that in one song aaaaaaaaaaah
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dude...
#if I don't stop hyperfixating on my breathing... like... idfk how much longer i can live like this...#it's been happening since last august snd I'm so tired of it.....#it's not even only when I'm high anymore it's like... all the time#i just like.. stop automatically breathing once i think about it and it takes me *so* *fucking* *long* to start again#honestly I'm just typing this post to distract myself a bit and hopefully i just start breathing normally again but I'm still manually#breathing rn. and now im wondering what the normal amount of time in between breaths is and if I'm taking too long ??#i tried to time my breaths with N's but she's asleep so i know it's gonna be different than mine#hoooo boy wish me luck falling asleep this is so annoying!!!!#is this ocd??? I've had several ppl in the past year tell me they think I have it but thinking about it makes me spiral#but it would explain A Lot of my thoughts n habits#anyway. I'm very annoyed with myself rn i just want to breathe normally and not worry myself into panic attacks anymore#actually very worried about how bad my stress in general has been bc there's no way it's been good for my body#ok. time to snuggle up n try to fall asleep!! im v cold rn so i have to warm up before i hug N bc i don't want to wake her with my ice cold#skin lmao. i can't wait for it to be warmer so i don't have to worry/feel bad about that lol#OKAY BBYYYYEEE if you read these tags I'm so very sorry.#rAMbles
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when you guys talk about season 9 or 10 or 11 or 12 or 13. i don't know what you're talking about
#keep seeing posts about s12 in particular and that season is the biggest ???? to me i have no idea what happens in it#i remember s1-7 clearly#s8 is a blur but i know benny is there and the crypt scene is there and i think? the trials are there but i don't really remember that#s9 has. metatron? doing. something. dean dies at the end#s10 has demon dean but that lasts for like two episodes and then idk what happens except for that deancas fight with the blade in the book#s11 is a huge ?#amara is there but doing what? who fucking knows#s12 has british people for some reason#s13 has cas in a cowboy hat. and jack. and wayward sisters. that's about all i know#and then i remember s14 and s15 a little better because i watched them in 2020 when the finale came out#but basically i haven't seen s8-13 since they aired lol#and i'm not gonna change that
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Getting back into reading Actual Physical Books for the first time since middle school (thank you murderbot and dracula daily) in the most high maintenance/obnoxious way possible. keep just. assigning life functions to different books. Right now I have
Dracula Daily (Dracula)
A chapter of non-fiction before bed so I'm not trying to go from screen to sleep (Spook by Mary Roach)
A "leisure" read (this is where murderbot goes, I think I'll probably do Hench next while I wait for the next one)
Walking around the neighborhood until I've a chapter of Kurt Vonnegut because walking is good for me but walking nowhere is BORING i don't WANNA so this is the compromise (Sirens of Titan)
What mundane daily task will I assign a chapter of a type of book to next? Who knows! The real crime is that this doesn't work for my physical therapy exercises
#reading#ink post#rambling#it's vonnegut specific walks bc i know i like him and he does p short chapters#as in i can read a whole BOOK of his in one sitting so a chapter is a good long but not SO long i dont go chunk#and i already had 5 of his 3 i havent read and they show up at thrift stores a lot#if i maintain the habit long enough to run out i think i'll check out how long a terry pratchett chapter generally is#bc i don't remember but that'd be a good light reading but engaging and super prolific pick. thatll be how i get through discworld lol#also GUESS who gave herself BLISTERS on the SOLES OF HER FEET!#what happened to those flipflops over the winter. this didnt happen last year
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