#don't hate me ellie | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sunlightellies · 2 years ago

Text

"deal."

→ masterlist

→ pairing: Bella ramsey x reader

→ genre: notfamous!bella, hospital!au, angst, melancholic, fluff if you squint, gn!reader

→ tags/warnings: mentions of dying and death, do not read if you get triggered by death. angst!!! slowburn-ish (takes a while until the reader is introduced. sorry peeps.). cursewords. a friend of bella's is not so nice:(

→ word count: 8k+

→ proofread? sorryy no

→ a/n: i saw someone say they wish there were more angst fics with Bella and as an angst lover myself i couldn’t help but to write some. warning this got way out of hand so this is like, SAD, sad. if you like reading heartbreaking things and enjoys to suffer like me tho then this will be perfect for you! also i know this isn’t a very accurate fic,, but i did it for the sake of great fanfiction, so don’t be mad. i hope you all will like it anyway!

(i try to stick with the same pronouns for Bella in fic writing but sometimes i slip up as i use any pronouns for them when casually talking about them; in this fic i’ll mainly use they/them for Bella, but excuse me if i use another pronoun as well lol.)

→ summary: While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about Bella, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you. At this time neither of you knew how inseparable you two were eventually gonna become. Maybe running in the corridor at a hospital is sometimes a good thing?

It was another regular Thursday for Bella. They were on their way home from the television workshop while Phoebe Bridgers was playing in their earbuds. Walking in pace to the music and taking a left turn right at that cozy café they always thinks about visiting, but still never does. They could see the front of his gray apartment building, walking a little faster as they wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Bella yanks up the door as soon as they unlock it. “Jojo, Skipper!” The two pets came running at the sound of Bella. Their friend and roommate Vera owned the two pets together with Bella. Vera asked Bella if they could feed the cats before they left the television workshop since Vera wanted to stay and practice a little longer. “So.. are you hungry?” Dragging out the sentence they look at the two pets with an eyebrow raised. Jojo answers with a loud meow. “Me too Jojo, me too.” Bella chuckles to themselves while putting their bag down and taking off their shoes. They walk into their kitchen and take a painkiller. They’ve had this weird problem with headaches recently, so taking medicine for headaches has become a daily routine for them every night. Bella didn’t think much about it, they were very active, studying and doing theater, which both took a lot of energy so they thought their headaches were due to some kind of stress and that it was somewhat reasonable.

A few weeks later Bella was eating by themselves after practice and they thought about trying to drink more water and start taking some vitamins. The headaches were something they could live with before. But as the weeks had gone by they had gotten worse and on top of that they had gotten unusually tired and were often feeling nauseous. Bella believed that it might have to do with some kind of lack of vitamins.

The semester was slowly coming to an end and Bella had recently found out they got into LAMDA (London Academy of Music and Dramatic arts) to pursue performing arts. It was a huge achievement for them. They had celebrated with their friends the night they found out, and now a few weeks later he was beginning to pack their things for college. Bella sat down on their bed looking at all the boxes, trying to decide where to start. They had written down on all the boxes what should go in them, to keep things organized. Although Bella had trouble reading on the boxes due to their blurry vision.

“Have you had that eye exam that you were talking about a few days ago?” Isaac took a sip of his coffee as he was looking at Bella while waiting for an answer. Isaac was a close friend of his, they had been doing theater together for years. Isaac was part of a group of people at the television workshop that Bella always practiced with and some of them also go to LAMDA. They all were really close and had been for years. Today Bella was only hanging out with Isaac though.

“I went there and got my eyes checked but it was really weird. She kept asking me questions. She started with headaches and I get that, it’s somewhat logical she’s asking me about that, it’s normal to get headaches while trying to see, you know?” Isaac nodded. Bella took a deep sigh and continued,

“But then she kept asking if I’ve had problems with nausea or vomiting, feeling confused while doing everyday things and having difficulty with balance.” Bella paused to take a sip of their tea.

“Did you tell her yes? Because you know I’ve seen you struggling both in school and at practice lately. You’re a really good student Bella, and an amazing actor. I mean you just got into LAMDA dude. If you told her no, I’m gonna be disappointed because obviously something is going on with you, and you need help. We’ve all been telling you to seek help from a doctor but you’re too stubborn.” Isaac was looking at Bella while putting a hand on their shoulder, “Me and the others are really worried about you. I know you haven’t exactly gone into details or talked alot about what’s happening but don’t think that we’re not noticing that you’re in pain and having difficulties.”

Isaac who was usually a very upbeat guy was for once very serious. Bella felt kinda embarrassed and kept looking down on their cup while stirring it with their spoon. “I told her yes when she asked me about it, and then she didn’t say anything more than that I should book a doctor’s appointment and check it out. So I did.” Bella kept staring at his tea while hearing Isaac ramble on about ‘he’s been telling me to go to the doctor for weeks and how can I even listen to a random woman immediately like that and not my friends’.

Bella was sitting outside the doctor's office with Brianna and Isaac at their side. Bella didn’t like going to the doctor, but they knew they had to. They weren't feeling well and they had started to get worried. He was a little bit nervous, so Brianna and Isaac offered to come with him as support.

“Bella Ramsey?” a woman's voice sounded out. Bella stood up and Brianna gave Bella a reassuring smile before they followed the woman. They went into her office and sat down in one of the chairs. The doctor was looking at some journals in her computer before turning to Bella and smiling. “Hi Bella. We talked on the phone a few days ago. Do you remember?” It felt weird the way she said that, if they could remember it. Of course they could. Not the whole conversation, but parts of it. Bella decided to not put much thought into it and just simply answered, “Yes, I do.” The doctor continued to smile at them and said while nodding, “That’s great. So we both know why you are here?” Bella nodded and then they kept talking about their problems for a while. She was asking questions about how it affected their everyday life, how school was going, what symptoms they were having and the progress of them and if they had gotten any more since he called.

They talked for a while and she did some tests on them regarding balance, memory, sensory and finally a blood test. “Okay Bella, we are done for today. I’ve scheduled an MRI for you in a few days, please don’t forget. We’ll call you a day before about preparations. Bring a close one if you feel scared or nervous.” Bella nodded and took the paper the doctor handed them and got up from the chair they sat on. Bella shook hands with the doctor before they turned around and walked out the door.

Isaac and Brianna stood up as soon as they came back into the waiting room. “So what did she say?!” Isaac looked nervously at Bella. “Nothing. She asked me some questions and did some tests, and then just said that she scheduled an MRI for me. I don’t know what for.” Their hands were fiddling with the paper they got before they handed it over to Brianna. Brianna read on the appointment paper while Isaac whispered, “damn, this may be worse than we thought.” Brianna hit him in the arm and looked at him. “You dumbass, don’t say that! It’s just an MRI!” Isaac said a quiet ‘sorry’ while rubbing his arm where Brianna hit him.

All three of them were quiet on the way to the television workshop. No one really knew what to say. “Maybe we should google your symptoms?” Isaac finally spoke up. “Stop saying dumb ass things Isaac, or else I’m gonna get that headache soon too.” Brianna paused before talking again, “We all know that googling your symptoms is just gonna scare everyone more. We all know except Isaac.” After that it went quiet again and everyone kept walking slowly to the television workshop to meet up with the rest of the group. Isaac said it may be worse than we thought and Brianna said it’s just an MRI to calm them down, especially Bella, and it’s normal to get an MRI sure, but a doctor would definitely not schedule an MRI if the problem was a loss of vitamins. Bella’s thoughts were racing with different scenarios. They knew it probably wasn’t a big deal, but they were still scared.

“Hey guys!” Isaac opened the door to the studio while Bella and Brianna came shortly after. A few voices were heard from all across the room that greeted the three people entering. “How did it go at the doctor’s office?” A guy with blonde hair spoke up. That was Asher. He’s a great actor, but an even greater comedian, although Bella always thought Martha was the funniest one in the group. “It was fine, nothing special, she scheduled an MRI for me.” Bella said back to him while going up to hug him, but Asher took a step back. “An MRI? Why?” Asher looked puzzled. “Well I obviously need one. Why else?” The practice started but Bella had to sit on the side most of the time. Today the dizziness and nausea was really bad. They couldn’t even stand up straight and even if they were stubborn enough to keep trying, their friends told them to sit down. They gave Bella a look of pity before going back to practicing.

That night when Bella came home they went right to bed. They were so exhausted. Their mind was blank. Not a single thought. They sat down on their bed and took a deep breath and then began to change their clothes and then just threw them on the floor before sliding under the covers. After a few minutes of trying to sleep, the thoughts came running back like a herd of horses. They started thinking about what will happen, what has happened to them. They knew it was more than just an MRI, more than what Brianna had said to calm their nerves. Bella wasn’t stupid after all, they didn’t need google to know what their symptoms could be.

A few weeks have gone by, and Bella’s parents are in town to help them and be there as support when they’re going to the doctor to find out the results of his MRI scan. They have been worried sick over the last few months, trying to talk to Bella about it but only hearing from their friends about how’s it going for Bella. Bella hates feeling weak, especially in front of their parents. It cuts Bella’s heart into pieces about how they’ve tried to make their parents proud their entire life and now all their work is at risk of being all ruined. His parents have of course always been proud of them, whatever Bella’s done. They were happy for Bella when he got into LAMDA but they wouldn’t be less proud if Bella got into another school, and as for now, they won’t be disappointed that Bella may have to give up their spot in the school. All their parents could think about this day was how whatever ends up happening, they are gonna be there for them and they’re all gonna get through it.

Bella texted with their friends in their group chat on the way to Dr. Watson’s office. They were obviously nervous, and their friends were too. The chat got sentimental quick and they all swore to Bella that they are gonna be there for them no matter what. Bella felt good expecting the worst, that way they wouldn’t feel as shocked if it’s worse or just as expected, they would also be relieved if it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

The ride to Dr. Watson’s office was just as quiet as it was in the waiting room. Neither Bella nor his parents knew what to say. They were all just hoping for the best. As Dr. Watson came and called out Bella’s name, they rose up from their seat in a swift move and went after her, their parents following. Bella had told Dr. Watson earlier that their parents would be coming with them so she had already prepared seats for them all. When they all sat down Bella’s parents sat on each side of Bella, and both their mom and dad grabbed a hand each from Bella. Dr. Watson welcomed them briefly before cutting right to the chase while she brought up a file and took out the MRI scans of Bella’s brain. “I’m sorry but I’m not bringing good news to you today, Bella.” she started off and looked right at Bella, “You have Glioblastoma.”

Bella knew what that was. They knew it was a severe dangerous tumor in the back of their head. Dr. Watson kept explaining what it meant, using a pen to point the mass of cells in the pictures while going on about how it mostly occurs in older patients but can happen with younger people too, how it’s not genetic and how you treat it and other stuff that Bella couldn’t catch up on. They weren't really listening and were just tuning out all sounds, stuck with their thoughts. They could feel his parents holding his hands tight and saw their dad wipe his tears in the corner of their eye. Bella thought expecting the worst would help them cope with bad news, but it didn’t. They were in shock and didn’t know how to react. Their mind refused to believe the things they had just heard.

“So Bella. We’re going to put you in chemo first. We’re going to schedule a surgery as soon as possible but because the surgery is severely dangerous, complex and risky, it’s unfortunately going to be hard to find a neurosurgeon for this so you might have to wait a few months.”

The meeting finally came to an end after what felt like hours to Bella. Their mind still couldn’t really register what just had happened, but they were happy their parents were at their side and how they comforted them through the entire appointment. Bella’s parents still held their hands but let go to shake hands with Dr. Watson. On the way out their dad was walking at Bella’s side and held his arm around them tight. Their parents continued to smother Bella with love and support the rest of the day.

Bella was laying in their bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking through all the events for the day. Their phone was blowing up with notifications and calls, but they couldn't bear to answer. Their friends were calling and texting, so worried and of course wanting to know what the doctor had said earlier that day. Bella just looked over their shoulder at their phone, picked it up, turned it off completely and then going back to not give a single fuck about answering them. Bella needed time. They barely knew what had happened and needed to regain their thoughts and energy before talking to other people. They didn’t want to hear people's pity for them and they most definitely didn’t wanna answer all their questions. They could wait.

Four days had gone by and Bella was on their way to the television workshop to talk to their friends. They haven’t talked to them at all in the last few days and they finally gave up looking for answers from Bella and eventually talked to their parents. Bella knew that everyone that knew them, now also knew about their diagnosis. The word spread fast, and as soon as Bella started their phone again after a few days with it turned off, it overflowed over with notifications, texts, voicemails, and calls,

“I’m so sorry Bella. Sending our blessings.”

“Hope you get better soon, we’re here for you.”

“Sending all our love and support to you.”

The texts just kept coming in and Bella had a hard time holding their tears back for the first time since they got the news. They haven't been able to cry in the last few days, not a single tear. It was frustrating for them, they wanted to cry. They wanted to lose their mind and just let it all up. But they couldn't.

Bella finally arrived at the television workshop after a long and slow walk. They stopped right outside the black door and took a deep breath, slowly reaching for the door, finally opening it and walking straight to the room where their friends practiced. Opening the door and seeing all their friends sitting on the floor, doing nothing. Martha was fiddling with her shirt and Asher was just staring down into the floor, the others also fiddling or just staring into the brown wooden floor. It was unbearably quiet, still no one heard Bella come in.

“Hey guys.” Heads snapped at the direction of Bella’s voice and shocked faces were immediately seen before they all rushed up to Bella’s side. Hugs were shared and tears were shed. “We have been so fucking worried dude. I swear. We haven’t been able to practice without you and definitely not without knowing if you are fine.” Martha spoke up first after the silence, hugging Bella tight. Bella chuckled, “I wouldn’t really say that I’m fine, but I feel better now that I’m here with you guys.”

Bella talked to their friends about what the doctor had told them, what their illness is and how the treatment works. They answered all the group’s questions and it felt good getting it out. Bella was afraid they would treat them differently, treat them with pity and caution, but they were the same. Teasing and joking about the situation. It felt good to laugh about it. They eventually started changing the subject and Bella felt happy. Bella felt hope and luck, thinking that with these guys by their side, they were gonna get through it.

The days went by and Bella was now on their way to the part in the hospital where they would get their first chemotherapy. Martha and Brianna were supposed to go with them for support but ended up being stopped by the guards in the reception. They weren’t allowed to go with them. Only family was allowed. Unfortunately Bella’s family couldn’t come to visit them this time around. Bella took a long time to walk up the stairs. Counting the steps as they set one foot above the other. They could’ve taken the elevator, but they didn’t want to. They wanted to drag out the time as much as possible, and they weren’t in a hurry anyways.

“305.. 306..” he paused at the last step and looked up, “.. and 307.” They went up the last step and began walking towards the map just a few meters in front of them, because they weren't really sure where to go. The map said they should go to the right and as they turned, he saw the sign for the ‘chemotherapy’ immediately. With even heavier steps than before, they continued their stroll towards their first chemo.

a few months later…

Bella was currently living at the hospital. They had gotten worse and the chemo wasn’t working. They were now in chemotherapy and radiation therapy because the doctor wanted to try them as a combination. However, Bella was still waiting for the hospital to find a neurosurgeon to remove their tumor and it didn’t seem that they were in luck of finding anyone soon.

Bella’s friends came and visited them almost everyday. They were really grateful to have them on their side. They often showed Bella their new plays, they played games together, watched movies or just slept when Bella wasn’t in the mood to hang out. In the middle of their thoughts a sudden raise in volume rang through the room. “You cheated!” Bella looked up from their cards. “I did not!” someone screamed back. It was Wilmer and Isaac that were fighting. Bella wasn’t really paying attention at first due to their head being full of thoughts, but after a few seconds they came back to their mind. “Hey, hey, calm down and stop screaming. Let it go. Think about Bella, don’t stress them up for nothing.” Martha told them and Isaac, who was accused of cheating, who had also risen from his seat, sat back down. Both Wilmer and Isaac looked ashamed for a second but it all went away quickly as they kept playing.

After a few hours they all had to leave for practice. Bella was all worn out, they always were after hanging out with them. They didn’t have much energy these days due to all of their medication and treatments. But they were getting hungry and it wasn’t dinner yet, so they went to talk to the nurses if they could have his dinner early. As Bella opened the door from their room they only took a few steps in the corridor before someone ran into them.

“Oh my god, I am so, so sorry! How are you feeling? Are you hurt?” The sweet but panicked voice ran through their head as they looked at your hand that you were holding out for them to reach so you could help them up. They grabbed your hand and you helped them up from the floor. “I’m fine, and it’s not all your fault, I should’ve checked the hall before walking out.” Bella chuckled as they looked up at your face, studying your features. You were really beautiful, but they didn’t recognize you. “Have I seen you here before?” Bella asked you as they turned around to close the door to their room.

“For starters, no, it was all my fault, I shouldn’t even be running here anyways. For the second question, probably not, I really don’t spend a lot of time here. I was just dropping something off for my mom. She’s a nurse.” You broke into a smile after you finished your sentence and it was the prettiest smile Bella had ever seen. “Oh okay, makes sense. Nice to meet you though, even if we kinda had a rough start.” You both let out a laugh.

It went silent and Bella looked down to the floor and saw the bag that you were holding. “Wait, is that carbonara!?” He looked at your face with a shocked expression. “Yes, it’s for my mom. She forgot her dinner so I brought her some.” Bella's mouth went into an ‘O’ shape before they spoke again. “Wow. I’m so jealous. I haven’t had that shit in forever, and I sure do miss it.” they chuckled a stiff laugh. “You want some? My mom needs this for her dinner but I can go back to the restaurant and get some for you, my treat.” You gave them a smile as Bella visibly got excited and showed it through physical movements, not for long though. “Oof, I really shouldn’t be doing that” They said as they bent over and took some deep breaths. “But wow, you would really do that for me? That would be amazing.”

An hour later you came back to the hospital with a bag of more carbonara in your hand. You couldn’t remember which room was Bella so you asked your mom, and then went to their room. You were outside their door and knocked, and you barely finished knocking before it opened. With your hand in the air, you brought it down and instead brought up your other hand with the bag. “Ready to eat some carbonara?” You giggled and Bella blushed. “Only if you eat it with me.” You nodded. “Deal.” Bella smiled as you walked inside their room, sat down the bag, brought up the food and started eating.

After a while of eating in silence Bella was getting curious and wanted to get to know you better. “Sooo.. do you work or are you still in school?” They glanced at you before shoving food into their mouth. “I work in a coffee shop called ‘A whole latte love’ actually.” Bella stopped chewing and abruptly looked at you. “The coffee shop at the corner of Southbridge street?” You nodded simply at their question. “I live in the apartment building next to it! I always walk past that place on my way home, and every time I see it I think about how much I want to check it out!” they squealed, getting excited. “Woahh.. what if we would’ve met there?” Bella stared at you with a stunned expression on their face. You just shrugged and answered, “Fate works in weird ways, man.” and then kept eating.

You ended up staying much longer than you thought. You had a great time with Bella and they were really sweet. You two got along well, and you thought about visiting them soon again. While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about them, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you.

You two started to hang out a lot. Mostly at the hospital, since Bella wasn’t really allowed to leave at any time. But you still had fun. Bella loved hanging out with their friends, but it was nice to actually spend some time with someone other than a nurse or their friends. They snapped out of their thoughts when they heard the door open. Looking at the door they were hoping it was you that were coming but it was Martha and Vera.

“Hey love. How are you doing? Sorry we haven’t visited as often as we used to.” Martha spoke up as he grabbed a chair from the corner of the room. “It’s alright..” Bella hesitated to tell them about you for a few seconds, but decided to tell them anyway. “I’ve actually met someone.” Both Martha and Vera got an astonished look on their faces. “Who? When? What?” Vera spoke up. “They literally ran into me in the hall.” Bella said while emphasizing ‘literally’. “They ran into you.. and you became friends?” Martha continued to ask. “Yes, and then they bought me carbonara.” Both of the girls next to Bella went ‘aaaah’ with a nod at the same time.

“Okay, then I get it. Makes sense. But is there something going on between you two, what’s their name? Who is it? Spill it.” Vera wiggled her eyebrows at Bella. “Their name is Y/N. And you know that coffee shop at the corner next to our building? They work there.” Bella sighed. “I don’t know if there’s something going on yet, honestly, I really like them, but we barely know each other and I don’t know if they like me. I mean, who would even like me? I’ll probably die before I even get a chance of getting married anyways.” Suddenly the door opened in a rapid move.

“Now why the fuck would you even say something like that you fucking fool!” Every head was turned to the door and there was Isaac. After him came Elsa and Asher. Everyone was silent waiting for an explanation from Isaac. “Sorry, we were eavesdropping.” Asher finally said. “Yeah, I think we understood that part.” Vera expressed with an annoyed tone in her voice. “Okay sorry I could’ve maybeee.. been a little harsh.” Isaac dragged out the maybe as if he was waiting for someone to disagree with him. No one said anything, they all just stared at him with an annoyed face.

“Well anyway. I disagree with what you said. Because you’re not gonna die. And also IF you were dying, you still deserve love, stupid.” Emphasizing the ‘if’ Isaac finally explained what he meant when he barged in. “Why do you always use a degrading word when you’re talking to us? Can’t you ever use a loving word?” Martha waved her hands around in some kind of frustration. “Of course I can, but I don’t want to. I can still be sweet though.” Isaac paused, “I love you all, you morons.” Martha just sighed and put her head in her hands at Isaac’s words while Isaac himself was cracking up by his own words and the annoyance of Martha. “I mean, points for trying.” Asher said and let out a chuckle while shrugging from behind Elsa, who both were still standing by the door.

A few days went by and you were at work. You’ve had to pick up a few extra shifts lately. Texting Bella that you were sorry for the lack of communication but you may be able to come by tomorrow, and ending the text with a cute ‘i miss you’. Bella had been missing you too, maybe too much. Seeing that the text they received was from you, they quickly opened his phone to answer. “It’s okay, but I need carbonara to be able to forgive you.” They sent the text and quickly added, “I miss you more.” you snickered at his response and texted him a quick ‘deal.’

Bella was alone in their room, listening to some music and just laying in bed, thinking. Turning to their side and looking out the window they pleasantly watched the rain fall down outside and hearing the rain hitting the window. Autumn was beginning to set and that made Bella happy, they liked autumn. For Bella it meant a fresh start. It was always a new school year, new classes, hopefully some new friends. But this time there was no school. They should’ve even gone off to college by now, but couldn’t due to their.. situation.

A knock on Bella’s door woke them up from their slumber. They weren't feeling good at all today, and just wanted to sleep the whole day away. You opened the door slowly and peeked inside. “Hi there lovebug. Heard you’re having a rough day. I bought carbonara, should I just put them down and leave?” you took a few steps inside to put down the bag. “No, please stay.” Bella’s hoarse voice spoke out. “Okay, as you wish.” you started to bring out one of the chairs as Bella spoke again. “No, lay down with me, please.” Their voice were barely audible but you could hear it clear as day. “Are you sure?” You hesitated but started to go to them as Bella made space in their bed and reached out their hand. “Please.” they whispered with tears threatening to spill in their eyes.

You laid down beside them and they held you as close as they could. You were laying with your head on their chest and began drawing circles on their arm in a soothing manner. “Please, make the pain go away.” Bella choked out, voice still hoarse and tears slowly going down their cheeks. You sat up on your elbow and looked into his eyes. Bella followed you with their eyes and you were now staring at each other. Bella’s sweet, adorable eyes, the eyes that were filled with love and happiness, were now full with pain and misery. “Oh my sweet, sweet lovebug..” You brought your hand up to caress their cheeks. “I wish I could. I would’ve done anything to make your pain go away.” You were about to shed some tears too but you held back as much as you could. You laid back down and began drawing circles on his skin again as you calmly started to sing quietly to “Lullaby” by Sleeping At Last.

♪

“Goodnight, goodnight, it’s time now to sleep,

The moon’s watchin’ over you and your dreams,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little one,

Tomorrow, your eyes, they will light up the sun.

But goodnight, goodnight, sweet dreams for now,

Drift off to sleep on your pillow of clouds,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little friend,

Tomorrow’s adventures, they will soon begin

Tomorrow’s adventures will soon begin.”

♪

And after a while, you both fell asleep in the arms of each other.

Lucky for you, it was Saturday and you were free. You woke up before Bella, but it was kinda late. Almost 5pm. You were debating if you should wake Bella up or let them sleep, and went for the latter. But you really had to pee though, so you tried to get out of their tight grip on you as smoothly as possible. Your mission was accomplished when you got out of the bed without waking Bella. You went to the bathroom and when you were done you decided to go to the cafeteria to get some dinner. You wrote a quick note for Bella, and left.

When you came back Bella was awake and scrolling on their phone. “Good evening love bug, how are you feeling? I brought dinner.” You set down the food and looked at Bella and gave them a smile. “Better, but I’m feeling a little worn out. But why did you buy dinner? Couldn’t we just eat the carbonara you brought earlier?” Bella sat up with their legs crossed. ‘Oh shit. The carbonara.’ you thought to yourself. “I mean, we could, but I totally forgot about that if I’m gonna be honest. Let’s just eat both options while we play some video games, yeah?” You walked up to Bella and gave them a sandwich and a coffee. “I know that I’m dying, but you don’t have to baby me you know.” Bella said while they stuffed the sandwich into their mouth. “When you stop saying that you’re dying, because you’re not, then I’ll stop babying you.” You sat down in front of Bella and put your feet up on their bed. Bella looked at you with love in their eyes and said, “deal”.

Bella was casually sitting in the lobby for their division of the hospital where they were, well, living. Scrolling on his phone, they suddenly got a call from Martha. “Hey love, what’s up? Can I come by?” Martha's voice rang through his ears as she spoke a tiny bit too loudly for Bella. “Yeah sure. See you soon.” The call was quick, but Bella was happy she was coming to visit. Their friends unfortunately didn’t visit as much these days due to school and work. Bella understood that they were busy but they still wished they could see them as often as they used to before.

Bella and Martha played video games in Bella’s room for a few hours. At some point they had to stop because Bella was getting dizzy. “So.. how’s it going with Y/N?” Martha asked Bella. “It’s going really well, I genuinely think that they actually like me, and I like them. Like a lot. “ Bella started to blush at the thought of you and started fiddling with their fingers. “Okay, that’s really great.” Martha said coldly, having a stiff smile on her face. “What’s up with the face? What are you thinking? Tell me.” Martha sat up straight at Bella’s words. “You know, I just think, maybe don’t go too far with them you know? You know I love you and want nothing but happiness for you, but think about Y/N. You might not actually make it Bella. We all hope you do, but both you and I know there’s a chance and it’s bigger than everyone wants to believe.” Bella’s face filled up with sadness at Martha’s words. “I know I’m being harsh, but all I’m saying is, don’t be selfish. If, only if, you wouldn’t make it through this, you’re gonna break Y/N’s whole heart Bella.”

Bella was still fiddling with their fingers. The tears ran down their cheeks. “I know.” They whispered. Bella knew Martha was right. They had thought the exact same thing before. Even if they often made jokes about dying, they really didn’t wanna fully realize that they actually were dying. “I’ve been holding back because of that. I really don’t want to hurt Y/N, but at the same time they actually give me hope, and I for once feel like it’s worth fighting this, for them.”

You and Bella hadn’t seen each other in about two weeks. You texted them everyday asking if you could come over, but they always declined saying that they weren't feeling great. You knew that they were lying, because you could see on their Instagram that they’ve been hanging out with their friends. Getting tired of being pushed away, you wrote a quick “we need to talk, i’ll be there soon” before sending it to Bella. Bella saw the text immediately and started getting anxious. It seemed to be urgent, so what did you want to talk about?

Arriving at Bella’s floor you went to their room with rapid steps. As soon as you got there you burst the door open and saw Bella getting scared and almost throwing their phone away. They quickly sat up straight and looked at you with a confused face. “We need to talk.” was the first thing you said when you came in the door. “I know, you texted me saying the same thing. Oh and you know, people often knock before they walk into someone's room.” Bella pointed at the door which you didn’t knock on. You shook your head, “Why are you avoiding me?” taking a few steps forward as you were taking off your coat and then hung it over a chair waiting for Bella’s response. “I haven’t. What are you talking about?” Bella has unfortunately never been a good liar, so you could see right through them, also, you had proof because of their Instagram posts. “I saw your Instagram. You told me you didn’t wanna see anyone because you weren’t feeling well. Why didn’t you wanna see me? Did I do anything wrong?” Your voice started to become a little unstable and tears started to well up in your eyes but you tried to hold them back as much as possible.

Bella went quiet and you were just staring at them, waiting for an answer. “Sorry.” Was the only thing they could let out. “Sorry for what? I want an explanation Bella.” You raised your voice and caught Bella a bit off guard. You’ve never raised your voice at them before. “I’m sorry I avoided you. I was scared that we were getting too close, that we were..” pausing and taking a deep breath they continued, “falling in love or something.” Bella spoke in a whisper on their last sentence. You could barely hear what they said. “Why would that be a bad thing?” You were clearly getting annoyed, and Bella could easily tell. They opened their mouth to say something before they closed it again. They didn’t really know what to say. “Because I’m dying Y/N. I didn’t want to be selfish and only think of my own happiness. Because I think you too know there’s a chance I’m not going to make it.” At this point both you and Bella were crying, you had so much to say to them but you didn’t know how to express it. “But you never thought of talking to me about this? How I felt, what I want? Bella, I’m a fully grown person. I knew what I was getting into when I first got to know you and honestly, my heart broke just thinking about you avoiding me and not wanting anything to do with me anymore.” You felt kinda bad for Bella who was practically sobbing by now. It obviously was a hard topic for them to talk about. But you were still kinda annoyed.

“I’m really sorry Y/N.” Before they finished their sentence you started talking again. “And for goodness’ sake stop saying that you’re gonna die! We don’t know that! Even if you are, if you set your mind on it too much, and keep saying that you’re gonna die you’re just gonna make everyone around you miserable. That, if anything, is selfish. You gotta try making the best of the situation.” Bella looked up at you for the first time since you two started talking. “You make my situation better.” Their voice was barely above a whisper, but you heard it. “Don’t you sweet talk me now! I’m still pissed at you! Even if you’re so freaking flirty!” You liked their response and tried to hide it since you were most definitely still mad at them.. definitely still mad. At least you wanted them to think so. “Bella, I understand that it’s hard for you. Shit, you have cancer, it fucking sucks honestly. The only thing I’ve been doing is supporting you and trying to cheer you up. It’s sweet that you feel that I make your days better but I have feelings too. I really like spending time with you but you gotta make some effort for me too.” Bella nodded to your words. “I understand. But we gotta make a deal. I’ll promise to do better if you give me a kiss.” You tried so hard not to break a smile, but you still did. Sighing you started to think it over. “Ah.. Haven’t I done enough for you yet?” you let out a small laugh. “But okay, deal.” You sat down beside Bella and took their hands in yours. You two sat in silence staring at each other for a few seconds, “So are you gonna make the first move or do I have to?” Bella chuckled at your remark and started to lean in. You got tired of how slowly they were leaning in and you brought your hands up to their face to grab it and smash your lips together. You didn’t really make out, but you kissed them for a good minute. “I think this deal is our best one yet.” They said while stroking your cheek and you just laughed at their words. You both laid down to cuddle and after a while fell asleep.

A few months went by and you had spent time with Bella basically every day. You walked down the hall to their room as you did everyday. Opening the door to their room, Bella wasn’t there. You looked around but couldn’t find them. You had brought food, so you put it down to go look for them. Carefully closing the door, you went to the nurse station to ask if they’ve seen them. They didn’t know where Bella was. You started to walk to the activity room where they sometimes would hang out with other patients. As soon as you turned at the corner someone grabbed your face and kissed you out of nowhere. At first you were surprised and annoyed, but as your eyes sprung open in shock you saw that it was Bella and you started to kiss them back. “Surprise, babe.” They mumbles against your lips. You giggled at their antics and you ended up making out. Another patient happened to enter but you both made him promise not to tell the nurses.

Bella had been trying a new treatment recently, and they were actually starting to get better, although they were still waiting for the hospital to find a surgeon. Since Bella was getting better, you had started to spend a lot more time together outside of the hospital. Going to the movies, eating in restaurants, shopping, going on walks and having picnics, meeting Bella’s friends and going to the television workshop. You two actually made a visit to your job too, since you remembered Bella really wanted to go there. But the happiest moments were when you two spent time at the television workshop with their friends. They all loved you so much and even if Bella barely could practice himself, you still made an effort to show support for their biggest passion.

You and Bella were alone in the practice room and were joking around as “Can’t help falling in love with you” by Haley Reinhart came on. Bella instantly stopped what they were doing. “Care for a dance, my love?” They held out their hand to you and you accepted it with a giggle. You two started to slow dance to the song, doing some twirls here and there, but mainly just dancing as close to each other as possible and having eye contact. It was such a romantic and lovely moment until the door spurt open and your heads turned to the door. Standing in the door frame was Amanda who looked utterly disgusted. “I forgot my earphones.” She quickly went to get them and turned around in the door before she went out and closed it, “Please don’t end up having sex in the practice room and I think I speak for everyone when I say that.” With one last weary look, Amanda closed the door. You and Bella just exchanged looks and ended up bursting into laughter after the encounter with Amanda.

You were playing video games with Bella and Wilmer in Bella’s room when it knocked on the door. Elsa who sat behind you went up to open the door. She opened and there stood two nurses, with weird looking smiles on their faces. “Bella!” one of them shouted, Bella’s reflexes worked quickly as they turned their head to where the voice was coming from. You paused the game and you and Wilmer put down the controllers to hear what’s going on. “Hey, what’s up?” Bella said with a confused tone in their voice. “We found a surgeon for you.” Everything went quiet after the nurse spoke. “What? If that’s a joke then I’m moving to another hospital Anna, I swear to god.” With a raised eyebrow Bella pointed at the nurse who apparently was called Anna, who also gave them the news. “I’m not kidding. She’s from Switzerland and we’ve scheduled a surgery as soon as next week on friday.” Everyone was speechless. Isaac was the first one to react. He went up to Bella and gave them a hug while starting to cry. “Did anyone else think that he was gonna do something inappropriate at first or was I the only one?” Wilmer spoke up and everyone agreed before he got a slap on his arm from Martha beside him. “Of course we did but we’re not always supposed to say everything we think!” she whispered to Wilmer .

The days were getting closer to the surgery and Bella was visibly getting more nervous as the days went by. Their parents are now here too for support as they haven’t been able to visit as much as they would’ve liked to. “How are you doing?” You asked Bella as you two were walking in the park. “Are you nervous?” They squeezed your hand before he started talking. “Yes, very much so, there’s literally so many risks with this surgery you know? But, I’m also so thankful for this opportunity, and I have all these amazing people by my side at all times.” They were looking down at the ground as they kept speaking, “So even if I’ve never been this scared in my life, I've also never been this thankful in my life.” You smiled at their words and gave them a quick kiss before you started walking back to the hospital.

The day had arrived. Everyone was really emotional. Bella was pacing around their room waiting for the nurses to go get them. They had earlier met with the surgeon, Livia, and they went through the whole procedure together with Bella’s parents. Everyone was watching Bella pace, their friends, their parents, and you. “Are you sure you shouldn’t sit down and calm down a little Bella?” your voice was hoarse from crying and lack of sleep. They just shook their head and kept on pacing. It knocked on the door and every head in the room turned to the door. No one went to open it. “Someone go open it, I can’t do it!” Bella shouted while waving their hands crazily above their head. Their mom got up to open the door. “Are you ready Bella? We’ll come and get you in 15.” was all the nurse said before she left again. Bella's mom got them to finally lay down after a minute of Bella freaking out. Everyone was hysterically crying and telling Bella how everything is gonna be fine and wishing them luck. You had been waiting for your turn to speak to them and finally you got it. You took both of their hands in yours. “I love you, so so much.” The tears were streaming down your face and Bella brought your hands up to their lips to kiss them. “But I don’t want you to worry, everything is gonna be fine.” Your voice cracked at the last word and Bella giggled. “I know, my love. In the end, everything will turn out alright.” They sat up a little bit to kiss you. “Also, can you bring me carbonara when I come back? I haven’t had it for so long, I would absolutely love to celebrate a successful surgery with some carbonara.” You laughed at them before you answered, “Deal.”

A few minutes later Bella had left and the only thing you could hear was people crying and wiping their noses. After a few hours you and Bella’s parents were the only ones left in the room. Bella’s parents had basically forced the others to go home and sleep since everyone had stayed up all night the day before the surgery. You had to grab some air so you went to buy some carbonara for later. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath when you stepped outside. It was in the middle of summer and the sun was shining. You walked slowly to the restaurant so you could enjoy the weather and think about something else so you wouldn’t spiral. You came back after an hour and set down the carbonara on the table beside you. The only thing left now was to only wait.

At the end of the day, the carbonara never moved. It stood there on the table so peacefully in the background while you were on your knees sobbing as a nurse held you, after receiving the news that the love of your life, had taken their last breath.

♪

“The evil it spread like a fever ahead,

It was night when you died, my firefly

What could I have said to raise you from the dead?

Oh could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?

.. The hospital asked, “should the body be cast?”

Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky

Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth

Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?”

♪

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