#don't feel obligated to continue the tag game i just wanted to reach out and say hi bc i get initimidated otherwise

[btsgotjams27]

wip tag game

rules: post 3 snippets from published work, and 3 from your wips

thanks @colormepurplex2 for tagging me <3 | (for fun and don't feel obligated - i'm tagging @yoon-kooks @archivedkookie @alphabetboyluvr )

published works:

(1) the back-up plan | jjk

It’s early. Too early for Jungkook’s taste.

He’s been tossing and turning all night. Wishing he could redo the last two years. Wishing he could’ve been honest from the beginning. Wishing you didn’t hate him right now.

Picking up his phone, he grumbles after seeing the time—six in the morning. There’s no way you’re up, he thinks. And there’s no way you’ll pick up his call either.

He assumes you’ve blocked him—wants nothing to do with him and doesn’t blame you.

The expression on your face is ingrained in his memory, and the lies he told are on a continuous loop. How would he win you back—if you’d let him, that is.

It’s that point in the romantic movie where the love interest finds the courage to go for it. Jungkook has nothing else to lose at this point. It’s now or never.

(2) things you don't know | jjk

Jungkook called out to you, and you didn't look back, storming away from him. You passed by Lana, telling her you were leaving and that you'd talk to her later.

You ran out the front door, stopping at the sidewalk's edge, remembering that Lana drove. "Fuck," you grumbled, pulling out your phone to grab an Uber.

You were stupid to think Jeon Jungkook wouldn't affect you after all these years. Maybe it's because you haven't dealt with feeling abandoned by him. Maybe you wished you had done more for your friendship. Whatever the reason, you knew moving back wasn't a good idea because you’d have to deal with this.

"Hey!" Jungkook called out. You looked over your shoulder and continued walking. He ran in front of you to grab your attention. "Can you talk to me?" he asked, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his hoodie.

"Why don't you fucking write me a letter? Since you're so good at that," you mocked as you shuffled around him. He was a shitty writer who could barely pass Creative Writing without your help.

"That's not fair."

(3) my plus one | ksj

“Kim motherfucking Seokjin!” You cried when he opened the door to the room the two of you would be staying in. Holy shit–you were not expecting a luxurious room and the view? You weren’t sure if you could ever go back to a regular ol’ room with no view, but to be honest, this would probably just be a one-time deal. “I can’t believe you really got us this room!”

You gleefully dropped your luggage and ran to jump onto the bed, all sprawled out, your limbs hardly reaching the edges of the bed. It was big enough to fit five or six grown adults. There is no good reason as to why a bed should be this big.

"I call dibs on the bed,” Jin shouted, running after you, plopping himself on the bed. “Ha-ha sucker!"

You turned to face him. “Nuh-uh. No way. This bed is big enough for the both of us.”

“I don’t want your crummy hands near me!”

You scoffed, taking a look at your hands, “My crummy hands?!” Propping yourself up, you reach for a pillow, taking a swing at Jin, striking him on the stomach, then aiming for his head. No one gets away with teasing you.

“Yah–yah–yah!” He shrieked, trying to protect himself from your antics. “You’re gonna get it!” Jin finally escaped your sudden outburst and grabbed a pillow for payback against you, taking a good smack right to your face, which made you gasp.

Jin wheezed when he realized how firmly he had struck you in the face, and when you didn’t make a sound or move after the hit, it began to worry him since you rolled over on your side. Oh shit, he thought to himself.

wips:

(1) my pretty boys | jjk x reader; knj x reader (romance, smut)

Jungkook walked towards your door, creaking the door open to find you sitting up, looking outside the window. He often found you in the same position back home in your apartment. You were missing Namjoon, and gazing at the moon helped you somehow.

He quietly crawled onto the bed next to you. There was no need to say anything. His presence was enough to let you know he knew what you were thinking and feeling. The two of you being best friends for so many years would do that.

He brought his knees up to his chest and held them there, and you leaned on his shoulder, continuing to cry quietly.

"Kook..." you whispered.

He hummed.

You peered up at him. "Do you think he's looking at the same moon as we are?"

Unsure how to answer you, he didn't say anything, and you weren't really expecting an answer from him either. You were just glad he was there like he's always been. You didn't deserve him. He'd been so wonderful to you these last few weeks.

You repeated his name again, and he hummed as he did just a moment ago, but he peered your way this time, and you shifted your gaze towards his big brown eyes - close enough to feel his breath on you. He could see tears beginning to well up in your eyes, so he brought his thumb to wipe them away before they could fall. Your heart fluttered for a moment when he stroked your cheek, and a gentle smile swept across your face, closing your eyes, inviting his touch. Jungkook continued studying your face, watching the sadness that wouldn't go away. He'd do anything to see you happy and smiling again.

(2) don't push your luck | knj (rivals!au, co-workers!au, one bed trope)

You’re 29. No man should have you gritting your teeth, ready to claw at him. Then again, he’s no ordinary man–more like the devil incarnate. He makes your skin crawl. His presence makes you want to jump out of a window. Because he is suffocating, and the air in your lungs does not exist.

Okay–maybe you’re exaggerating. But right now, you want to accidentally spill your glass of red wine just so he’ll have a stained shirt.

Your mouth twists as you nudge the giggly goonhead. He takes off his noise-canceling headphones. “What?”

“Can you zip it? I can’t concentrate,” you say, repositioning in your seat.

Namjoon snickers. “Aw baby, you weren’t able to concentrate before I even started the movie. What makes you think me turning it off will help now?”

[msmarvelouswinchester]

year in review: favorite lines!

I was tagged by the lovely @firenati0n in this adorable tag game where we share our top favorite segments from our published fics and/or wips! thank you for tagging me❤️

This year has been a fandom rollercoaster with being in RWRB fandom and also the SPN fandom! For RWRB, I posted three works (and have like 3 WIPS) and for SPN, I posted one fic (and unfortunately no WIP)

Starting with RWRB fandom,

Published (all works have been published in ao3) -

1. It’s the First Kiss (it’s flawless, really something, it’s fearless)

“How bad?”

“I don't know,” Henry said.

Alex's heart broke even further. He nudged Henry, “Scoot over, let me hold you.” Henry obliged without any further question. Alex slipped beside him under the covers and wrapped his arms around Henry. “Is it all the way black?”

“All the way.” It was a system they had come up with in their first year of living together—a colour system to know how bad the day was. Blue stood for ‘feel like shit but I'm going to be fine’, gray was for ‘feel so horrible, but a hug will cure me’ and finally, black was for ‘it hurts to even breathe, need you to hold me and never let go’.

Henry turned around the embrace and rested his cheek against Alex's chest. The rhythmic beats of his heart calmed his mind but it was not enough. He was still hurting. Alex gently carded his fingers through his golden strands and Henry felt himself tearing up. “Shh, shh, sweetheart, it's alright.” But the tears never stopped. Sobs racked his body as he made a mess of Alex's shirt with tears and snot. However Alex only pulled him closer to himself. “It's alright, H, let it out. I'm here for you.”

2. You Gave Me Roses (I Left Them There To Die)

“It's fine. Here—” Alex made a space on his bed for Henry to sit beside him, “Baby, please c’mere.”

And who was Henry to ever deny Alex anything?

“Henry you're so fucking wrong if you think I don't want you. I want you—all the good parts, all the bad parts and even the parts that you have sworn to hide away forever.” Henry's eyes snapped back to Alex. The familiar pain returned, and the final vestige of armour began to crumble. Despite his attempts to hold onto it, he sensed it slipping away, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. “Let yourself have me.”

“I want to.”

“Then fucking have me.”

And then again, who was Henry to ever deny Alex anything ?

3. The Great American Roommate Experiment (also a WIP series)

Henry grumbled, “Go to sleep, Alex.”

“Henry, what happened?” Alex asked. “If I did something wrong then I’m sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong. Not everything is about you, Alex.” Henry sounded harsher than he meant to be because deep-down he knew it was a lie—if he could, he would have made everything about Alex.

Alex frowned deeply, “Okay, fuck, fine! Don't have to be so fucking rude Henry. I just wanted to watch Bake-off with—”

Henry was exhausted, horny and truly couldn't give a fuck right now. He hadn't had a decent sex in a long time and he was tired of pining after a man who was so out of his reach, he could have fucking well lived in the goddamn outer space, “Christ, Alex! Can't you just let a man have a bloody wank in peace?”

Now onto WIPS -

1. The +1: Boyfriend for Rent

The devil on Henry's shoulder is pulling an overtime again. He gives Alex a nod and is dragged off to the dance floor. The pulsating rhythm envelopes the two boys while they navigate the dance floor in shared harmony.

Alex lets his hands rest in the dip of Henry's waist and the blonde's steps falter. “It's all in the hips, sweetheart,” Alex sways his hips to establish his point. And Henry—yeah, Henry is not okay. Alex guides Henry's hands up to his shoulders, drawing himself close to the blonde's chest. With a continuous rolling motion of his hips, Alex grinds against him. He feeds into his urge to be infinitely close to Henry and tucks his face into the crook of Henry's neck.

“Is this okay?” Alex breathes out against the blonde's neck. Henry nods. “Words, sweetheart. I need words. I want to follow each clause.”

“Yes—” Henry struggles to suppress a whimper that lingers at the edge of his lips as Alex's hands ascend to his chest. “It's okay.”

2. Unnamed Spy AU

“Ms. Bankston,” Henry raises his eyes to meet their superior's gaze, who appears poised to throttle both the Agents. “May I possibly be removed from this mission? I do not want to risk Agent Claremont-Diaz’s well-being because—” he whips head around towards Alex “—you don't seem to trust me at all.”

For a fleeting moment, Alex was thrown back in the past—back to their first mission together, in Rio. “Henry,” Alex wheezes, “Call b-backup. Henry?” He is running out of breath; running out of time. The bullet—a merciless messenger of death—has slotted itself beside his sternum. It's a miracle that the piece of metal didn't manage to puncture his heart. He is bleeding out. “Henry?” Alex calls for his partner but it's futile. For Henry stands paralysed—

“Alex?” Zahra's voice snaps him out of his reverie. Alex tips his chair back to stand up. He senses the twitching and shaking in his hands and fingers, recognizing the signs of an impending panic attack. “Agent Claremont-Diaz, are you okay?”

3. Unnamed Bridgerton AU (Idk when or how i will write this with Regency era English lol)

“And what? Tarnish the family name to find myself a husband? Gran will never allow me this respite.”

“Brother, you cannot—”

“I must.” That was all he told Bea before he was off to do his duty—find himself a wife. Henry let his inquisitive gaze travel the room in hopes that he could find a woman suitable enough for him to carry on a conversation. While he didn't hold an overly high opinion of himself, contemplating a loveless union compelled him to seek a lady whose wit could at least match his own. One could only endure tales of knitting for so long.

It was at that moment he glimpsed her presence, adorned in silk embellished with golden sequins. Miss Catalina June Claremont-Diaz, her eyes radiating keen intelligence as she engaged in conversation with Lord Richards who was simply quite taken by her. Yet, as he allowed his gaze to linger further left, a surge of emotions overwhelmed him, leaving him in a state of bewildered captivation for a long time.

The cause of this mesmerization was none other than a strikingly handsome gentleman who stood guard beside her. Upon further inspection, Henry understood it was Mister Alexander Claremont-Diaz, Miss June's younger brother.

Hello, old friend SPN fandom,

Published (On Tumblr) -

If We Love Again

“I remember very clearly you throwing me out of the bunker and telling me never to contact you again. You know what, showing up tonight was my bigges—”

“Son of a bitch, I can't believe I'm fucking doin’ this,” Dean murmured.

“Wha–” The rest of the question turned into a squeak and Dean’s lips crashed into her. And then the thoughts crashed into him. Fuck.

Dean immediately jumped back from her. “I'm so sor—”

“If you dare to say sorry for this, I am telling Sammy to shoot you in your dick, asshole,” Y/N panted, “Fucking come, kiss me, you moron!”

Now onto tagging!

Open tags! Please feel free to do this tag game - its fun and I want to know all about your fics!

[ufofriend]

tagged by lovely @junhuitual! ty queen 🥺💕

rules: tag 9 people you wanna know more about or wanna become friends with

Top 3 favorite ships?

- sophie/howl, the only straight couple ever

- cristina/mark/kieran (aka the only poly ship of mine, but it’s too cute and too canon not to)

- the main characters of my little monster i forget their names lmao

Last song you listened to?

désolé - gorillaz ft. fatoumata diawara

Last movie you watched?

uhh i think my dad forced me to watch 1917 or whatever the fuck it’s called

Book you’re reading?

ghosts of the shadow market by cassandra clare because i’m still a whore for shadowhunters & lgbt rep... no one’s doing YA fantasy like ms. cc

What food are you craving rn?

hnggg kale and brown rice w soy sauce. sexy

i'm tagging some old-ish mutuals that i’ve never rly talked to !! hmu if u guys want!!!! i don’t really interact much w my tumblr moots so hi 🥺

@babeycoww @iliatar @bunnynote @17dad @gothloona @chuuerriesss @nokiacharms @egirle @breadlov

[takerfoxx]

What Your Favorite Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ship Says About You

Inspired by DoubleCa5t's series, and since we're probably going to get an official video sooner or later, I'm putting my version out while I can.

Also, this is all in good fun, so don't take any teasing seriously.

...

MadoHomu (Madoka X Homura)

You are a firm believe in the inherent eroticism of this image.

You have episode ten memorized.

You have a very specific emotional reaction to “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper.

You have severe problems with The Rebellion Story, particularly in how it upended the optimistic note that the original series ended on and recontextualized Homura’s devotion to Madoka as something unhealthy and even toxic, but you still can’t bring yourself to reject the movie entirely, because at the end of the day, even you have to admit that damn, that dress.

The phrase, “X character did nothing wrong” pops up a lot in your internet discourse.

You ship CatraDora.

KyouSaya (Kyouko X Sayaka)

You’re always a sucker for how the dynamic of Enemies to Lovers shifts from antagonism to devotion without losing its obsessive intensity.

Your ideal date can best be summed up as Be Gay, Do Crimes…after which you have to call your responsible friend to come bail both of you out.

You know that important stuff happens after episode nine, but to be quite frank, at that point you were too emotionally traumatized to get invested and were only watching out of a feeling of obligation.

You were uncharacteristically smug after watching The Rebellion Story despite what disproportionately little screentime your ship received.

You also ship CatraDora.

MadoSaya (Madoka X Sayaka)

You don’t understand what all the fuss is about when it comes to Enemies to Lovers when there’s a perfectly good Friends to Lovers right there.

This is the same joke as the first part of MadoHomu, but with the Hot Topic switched out for a Footlocker.

You lost your mind on 4chan over Persephone’s Waltz on more than one occasion and for more than one reason (hey, ErinPtah!).

KyouMami (Kyouko X Mami)

You read A Different Story, and probably listened to that one audio drama.

You’re a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of exes that still long for one another.

You feel that a lot of the issues that both these characters struggle with stem from how messy their falling out was, and had Mami been more supportive and Kyouko not abandoned her after the death of Kyouko’s family, a whole lot of grief could have been avoided.

MamiSaya (Mami X Sayaka)

Your ideal date is getting sempai to notice you.

You have gotten into at least one altercation with Anticrack-Kun.

MadoMami (Madoka X Mami)

Your ideal date is getting kouhai to notice you.

You’re just here for some girls being friends, gals being pals.

MamiNagi (Mami X Nagisa)

You were already shipping Mami with the human form of Charlotte before The Rebellion Story came out, and even afterward you’re still unwilling to let go despite how uncomfortable it makes you now, to the point where “Aged Up Characters” is a regular tag in your ao3 searches.

Either that, or…

HomuMami (Homura X Mami)

You’re a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of passive-aggressiveness.

You were tilting your head in a particular manner during that scene where Mami ties up Homura, and feel that how it ended was a real missed opportunity.

You had to pause The Rebellion Story for about five minutes after the gunfight, and after you continued you shouted, “Goddamn it, Sayaka!” out loud.

HomuSaya (Homura X Sayaka)

This is the same joke as the first part of MadoHomu, but with the Sanrio switched out for a Footlocker.

Your favorite ao3 tag is “Hatesex.”

KyouHomu (Kyouko X Homura)

You know what's better than one edgy badass girl with a tragic past? Two edgy badass girls with a tragic past.

You felt that both these characters spent too much energy pursuing someone that just weren't into them as they were, and would better off settling with someone on more equal footing.

You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of game recognizing game.

You really wish that they reached that ramen shop in the movie.

KyouMado (Kyouko X Madoka)

Your favorite highschool relationship dynamic is edgy delinquent/ray of sunshine.

You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of “gap moe.”

HitoSuke (Hitomi X Kyousuke)

You feel that these two characters get way too much hate, and everything that happened wasn’t their fault. Like, come on, guys. How could they have known that their teenaged relationship drama would be exploited by a race of emotionless alien groomers?

Your main priority is keeping things canon…and you don’t have a whole lot else to work with.

HitoSaya (Hitomi X Sayaka)

You feel that the most effective way of resolving a love triangle is eliminating the heterosexual options.

You feel that when Hitomi declared, “Girls can’t love girls!”, Sayaka’s reaction ought to have been, “Challenged accepted.”

SayaSuke (Sayaka X Kyousuke)

You just want good things for Sayaka, but only in a first four episodes kind of way.

You are heterosexual.

SayaHitoSuke (Sayaka X Hitomi X Kyousuke)

You feel that the best way of resolving a love triangle is by connecting the bottom two axis.

You are heterosexual. Or possibly bisexual. Well, regardless, you are really horny.

HomuHito (Homura X Hitomi)

You’ve played the portable game.

MadoHito (Madoka X Hitomi)

You are constantly frustrated at how little attention this ship receives. After all, weren’t they friends too? But instead people seem to be more focused on shipping characters that don’t even like each other or never even interact in the show, and at this point you’re just glad that I acknowledged it in this silly meme post.

MamiHito (Mami X Hitomi)

You want to be a wealthy, unmarried Victorian duchess who is noted by history for your incredibly close relationship with your lovely companion who lives with you, does everything with you, up to and including sharing a bed, and after both of your deaths scholars will make note of what great friends you must have been.

KyouHito (Kyouko X Hitomi)

You were going out of your way to piss off Anticrack-kun. And really, who wouldn’t?

KyouSuke (Kyouko X Kyousuke)

You were going out of your way to piss off everybody, and I salute your courage.

HomuJun (Homura X Junko)

You are really into Pixar moms.

Also, obligatory…

KazuJun (Kazuko X Junko)

This is the same joke as the second part of MadoMami, but you’re also really into Pixar moms.

MadoKyu (Madoka X Kyubey)

I can’t say for certain whether or not you’re a monsterfucker, but you certainly enjoy the chaos that the very implication of this ship creates.

PolyMegucas (Madoka X Sayaka X Homura X Kyouko X Mami)

You don’t understand why there has to be so much drama between all these different pairings. All the girls are wonderful in their own ways, and they would be so much happier if they just stopped fighting, formed a loving and mutually supportive team dynamic as was seen in the first part of the movie, and possibly smooched one another.

Also, you are extremely horny.

[books-and-catears]

Okay so I've been thinking of writing this for a while now. (Spoiler alert for chapter 16-20)

After MC is brought back to life, everyone approaches them as Lilith. And everyone seems to be all over them as if they weren't just almost killed by Belphie.

So MC feels uncomfortable over this whole thing. Not only do they feel like a replacement for Lilith but they can't even tell anyone about the trauma of almost dying cause they are demons, they can't possibly sympathize with human fragility. Well maybe one of them can.

The only brother who didn't know Lilith firsthand. The only brother who has spent centuries studying humans and reading all about their emotions.

Satan.

Tags: Angst, Hurt, Comfort

Only You

GN! Reader X Satan

"Ah MC...It seems you have only a week more left in Devildom." Lucifer announced in the middle of breakfast.

Everyone paused and stared blankly. Even Beel stopped chewing and put down his sandwich. You smiled, "Ah I was guessing it might be. Thank you for confirming, Lucifer."

One more week and then you could stop pretending to be okay. One more week of being Lilith. One more week of holding in your trauma. You smiled at the thought of being free of it all.

Everyone around looked dejected. Mammon was the first to break the silence, "Oi! You both are kidding right?!" Lucifer shook his head sternly.

"Ah how unfair! It seems only yesterday we met MC!" Asmo piped in.

"B-but we have so many animes left to finish in our watchlist, MC! And so many games we're still waiting for release!" Levi whined.

"So we can not have MC's cooking anymore?" Beel asked sadly.

"I barely got enough time with them! And you all are complaining?!" Belphie said, annoyed.

Satan was still silent. You looked at him only to find him staring right at you. You blush and look down, picking at your food. No matter how many times he did that, you still couldn't get used to it.

"You must have missed home a lot MC. Happy to go back?" Satan asked softly into your ear. You nodded slightly.

Then you felt your chest tighten. You did want to leave but that would mean no more Satan. You wanted to open up to him. If there was anyone among the brother's who could understand you - it was him.

After breakfast was over you stopped everyone before they left for class.

"Um..since it's my last week here, I have a request on how I want to spend it." You announced. All the brothers nodded and stared attentively.

"I will spend one whole day with each of you individually. And the order will be Beel, Belphie, Lucifer, Mammon, Levi, Asmo and Satan. Is everyone okay with this?"

Everyone shared confused glances at the sudden statement but obliged never the less.

The rest of the week flashed by and soon it was your last day. Satan's day.

You woke up early that day, already prepping his parting gift. A bookmark made of dried flowers, with two petals on top shaped like cat ears, inside your favourite book from the human world.

"MC? Are you awake?" Satan called out, after knocking on the door.

You were still dressed in your flimsy pajamas but who cares? You ever going to leave tomorrow anyway. You put on some cat ears and called out, "Come in Satan!"

"Good morning MC, I think you'll like what I've planned for-" Satan stopped in mid speech. His eyes widening at the attire that did a fine job of wrapping around your body seductively.

"Good morning...sorry I was too busy to freshen up haha.." You apologize. "Wait for me here, it'll only take me a few minutes."

Satan nodded, hiding his blush behind his golden locks falling all over his cheeks as he lowered his head. You sighed. How was he so beautiful early morning?

Satan held out his arm like the gentleman he was as you prepared to leave for your date. "Take my arm, MC. We have lots of places to be."

You chuckled and did as told. "I can hardly wait."

You spent the day as if you were in a Romance novel. Cat Cafe, the bookstore, walking in the park watching the setting sun, holding hands. Satan really knew the ways to your heart.

After the sun set, you returned to the house of Lamentation.

"Would you like to come to my room later? We could read your favourite book together one last time before you leave?" Satan requested, his fingers still interlocked with yours.

"Yes..." You nodded, "I was going to ask you the same..."

"I'll be waiting." Satan said, walking you to your room and reluctantly letting go.

After dinner when everyone was asleep, you sneaked into his room. He was wide awake, waiting. He was sitting in his bed in only his black t-shirt and jeans, reading a book. The room was dark with only candles providing enough light to read. He looked up when you called for him softly.

"Satan I'm here...sorry for making you wait.." You said sheepishly.

His eyes lit up and he held out his hand for you to take. "Come sit with me."

You joined him on the bed. He swiftly put an arm around you, holding you snug against him. You could smell his scent and feel his breath on your cheek.

"I got something for you. It's not much but.." You handed Satan your gift.

"A gift? For me?" Satan saw the cover of the book and flipped to where the bookmark was. "That's... beautiful. Thank you MC I can't believe you'd- wait what's this?"

He fished out a long strip of stray paper in the middle of the pages beside the bookmark.

You remembered what it was and tried to snatch it away. How did this even get in there?! What the hell?! "IT'S NOTHING!", You scream

Satan smirked as he held it beyond your reach and started reading it. "A poem for Satan? That doesn't seem like nothing MC."

You tried getting up to gain better access to snatch the paper from him. "DON'T READ IT I SWEAR IT'S NOT SOMETHING SERIOUS. I WAS JUST BEING SILLY!"

Satan tightened his grip on your waist and started reading it out loud to your utter humiliation. You struggled in his grip, gave up and hid your face instead. He stopped midway.

"You read it to me." He demanded.

"Like hell I will!" You rebutted.

"Please." He splayed out his fingers on your back holding you close. His locks tickling your nose.

"N-no. It's embarrassing. I can't-" You started but he looked so dejected you gave in. "Fine but you have to look away from me."

Satan swiftly turned his face away and nodded. You cleared your throat nervously and started.

"Dear blonde boy with the sea in his eyes,

I'll be gone soon, so I'm done with the lies,

I've liked you for a long long time,

But it's too late to impose now, so I guess it's fine?"

"You see me for me, like I see you for you,

Everyone else, they just put me in her shoes,

But these shoes don't fit, they're not mine

And I'm sick of having to toe this line."

"But with you, I'm better, I'm more like myself,

And I can't thank you enough for all your help,

For your kindness, smiles and touch,

You always save me when it gets too much."

You stop. The next part of the poem feels like oversharing. Maybe you should have talked to him about this first. He squeezes your arm, asking you to continue.

"Satan I should explain this-"

"I know. I've known this for a while. But I want to hear this first please continue."

Shakily, you continued.

"I feel his fingers on my throat, unforgiving and unkind,

Help it's getting dark...am I going blind?

I let out a tiny scream with whatever voice I have left,

You're the only one here who didn't turn deaf."

"So replace his touch with yours, with your fingers so gentle and nice,

Hold me, warm me, I feel as cold as ice,

I wish I was a kitten, in your care,

You may be full of wrath, but I was never scared."

"But I'll be gone soon, I don't want to return,

But for you my bookworm, my heart will yearn,

Blonde boy with eyes of sea,

One last time, will you kiss me?"

You had barely finished when Satan spun around and cupped your face. He peppered some kisses on your lips, going upto your ear. He nipped at your earlobe and you let out a soft gasp. His face felt warm and flushed.

He placed his head against yours and sighed. "I can't get enough of you. How do I hold myself back when you're showering me with this much love and that too so beautifully?"

He wrapped his arms around you protectively. You instinctively buried your face in his chest and put your arms around his torso.

"You don't need to hold back..." You whisper.

Satan stiffens. "MC, you don't know what you're asking for."

You hold him tighter, lifting your head you place kisses on his jaw and nibble on his shoulder. "I know."

"Then I won't hold back any longer" He says, slowly pushing you down against his pillows.

He reached down and removed your slippers off your feet. "A part of me suspected you might feel this way. But you're not Lilith. You never will be and you don't have to pretend to be. You're MC. And that's all you need to be."

You looked away, outside at the moon. "Tell me honestly...if I didn't have Lilith's bloodline, would you all care the same way?"

Satan held your chin and turned your face towards him. He may never have been an angel but awash in this silvery moonlight, he certainly looked like one.

"Remember when I told you how much I hated being a part of Lucifer? And you told me that I'm my own person. You told me there was more to me than my wrath."

"Of course." You reached out to hold his face. "You're the smartest demon I know. And your love for cats and literature is unparalleled."

"Well then you're the only human who has swayed my heart. The human so strong and capable enough to bring a semblance for harmony to a dysfunctional family of demons." He smiled gently, running his fingers in your hair.

You felt warm inside. Atleast there was someone who liked you for you. You were so happy you could cry.

"As for what Belphie did, I made sure you never really alone with him." Satan said, now intertwining his fingers with yours. You give him a questioning glance.

"Remember the book of defense spells I gave you? I cast one on you whenever he's in the vicinity. It will render him useless if he dare attack you." He said, matter of factly.

"You knew...? But I never told anyone." You said, confused.

"I know. You held it in for our sake didn't you? You repressed it so much. I can't imagine what kind of hurt you went through." Satan's fingers tightened around yours.

"But one night, you fell asleep in the library. I went to put a blanket on you when I heard you mumbling for help. You kept saying it hurts and you can't breathe. And then you said Belphie's name and asked him to stop hurting you."

"I was so furious I rushed straight to the twins room. I was going to yank Belphie out of bed and renact what he did to you. But Beel woke up and stopped me. I told everyone in the morning before Belphie woke up. You've never been alone with Belphie ever since. One of us always stayed nearby."

You listened in utter shock. "You...you were protecting me all this time?"

Satan nodded, "Well I can't take all the credit. My brother's helped too. But just know that you're not a replacement for Lilith. And Belphie's an ass who doesn't know how to apologize. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. I know it's your last night here, MC... so I'll make this one worth remembering."

You smiled and pulled Satan towards you for a kiss. "I'm glad I saved the best for last."

[maplecornia]

chapter 27

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 1.39K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: so the continuous posting every day has now officially ended now that we have caught up in the story ^^ so be expecting updates every Saturday instead of every day lmao

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear |@mangminnie | @pixiekooo

The door opens before you have a chance to turn away.

You don't know why you're so scared, but you do know that being called in to meet the chairman of HYBE entertainment isn't necessarily a good thing. Especially when you haven't even started your first day yet.

Swallowing hard, you step forward, almost wanting to reach out and take Namjoon's hand. If you do, maybe then you have someone to lean on. Someone to help you not feel so afraid. However, his presence behind you offers you more than enough comfort and you take a breath, grateful that you have his moral support.

The door shutting tightly behind the two of you, you raise your eyes to find BangPD sitting at the head of the room, his chin resting on his hands. You pause in the doorway, waiting for his invitation to sit as he regards you with those small thoughtful eyes. Unable to stand the uncomfortable tension, you clear your throat.

"What's going on?" you murmur, your voice weak despite the attempt to strengthen it. BangPD smiles at your question and leans back in his chair, nodding slightly to Namjoon.

"Mrs. Lin, please take a seat." He requests, and Namjoon obliges, placing his hand on the small of your back to lead you to a small sofa set amid the massive office. As he sits you down, he takes your hand in his own before resting on the cushion next to you. Inwardly, you smile, feeling a bit of the fear ebbing away.

"Did I do something wrong?" You inquire, peering up at him as BangPD rests on the cool gray couch opposite of you.

"Of course not." He chuckles at your innocent question before leaning back in the chair and resting his face on his hand. As though he were measuring you up, making sure you fit his standards. You squirm a bit under his gaze, and Namjoon glares at him, his hold on your hand growing subconsciously tighter. "I simply wanted to ask you a question, a proposal if you will."

You bite your lip in nervous anticipation, regarding him with wary eyes. At your silence, his smile grows, and it makes you uncomfortable. Somehow, you know that you are not in control of the situation. Feeling that slip away, you don't know if you'll be able to conduct yourself properly.

After a moment, he leans forward and picks up a remote. He presses a button and a small speaker on the table crackles to life. There's a few moments of static before a voice fills the voice, and your heart pummels to your stomach.

Your voice.

Your blood turning cold, you look up at BangPD with wide eyes.

What is he going to do? Am I fired? Will Jaejin lose his job?

Turning to Namjoon, you try to read his expression, but he's focused solely on the chairman, his expression unreadable.

What does he think? Is he upset with me?

It's not even your first day, and already you're in deeper water than you signed up for.

"I--" you begin, but BangPD pauses the track and leans forward towards you, cutting you off.

"Is this you?" he murmurs. You wonder why he's asking a question, he already knows the answer to. Stunned, you don't answer him, and he smiles once more, leaning back. There's a moment of silence, as the two of you regard each other. One in confusion, the other in amusement.

Biting your bottom lip, you can't help but feel a bit indignant. Why is he playing with you? Is this some kind of game? You don't want to be a piece on his little chessboard.

Before you can open your mouth to respond, Namjoon brushes your cheek, gathering your attention. You flinch before turning to him, but he doesn't look fazed. Instead, his hand tightens around yours, and those solemn eyes bore into yours, calming you without so much as a second glance.

"Yen, you're talented. BangPD thinks so as well."

When he says those words, you can't help but feel a taste of bile rising in your throat. You bite your bottom lip, trying to keep yourself from hyperventilating, but when you see his face pass over Namjoon's kind eyes, it's hard not to. Your hand tightens, nails digging into your palm, as you try to calm yourself down, erase toxic memories that refuse to let you free.

"What?" you murmur, your voice hoarse and terrified.

"Ms. Lin, what I'm about to offer you is something that could drastically affect your life and the future of our company." Turning to the renowned chairman, you can hear the pounding of your heartbeat reverberating in your ears. You don’t notice the flash of remorse across Namjoon’s eyes, nor the way he tightens his jaw as soon as BangPD speaks. "So I want you to seriously consider before responding."

"What are you talking about?" you nearly snap, but he doesn't say anything more, just places a file on the table. He pushes it towards you, and though reluctantly, you draw your hand out of Namjoon's grip, pulling the file into your lap.

You regard BangPD with wary eyes before opening the file.

"What is this?" you murmur, squinting at the neatly printed Korean.

"A contract."

You balk, nearly dropping the papers in your lap as you look up at him. You can feel the fear growing tighter in the pit of your stomach, his voice coming back to haunt you once more. BangPD smiles at your silence, his eyes softening.

"Ms. Lin, I would like to sign you as a trainee. Underneath BigHit entertainment."

Your hand tightening around the document, you swallow hard.

"What?"

Not again, oh God please don't let it happen again.

"Yen, this is your dream isn't it?" Namjoon asks from beside you, his hand resting on your knee, an attempt to calm you down. Namjoon doesn’t know why he’s saying this, shouldn’t he be stopping you? Shouldn’t he be finding reasons so you could say no? But inwardly, he cannot stand to see your face change that way. He can’t stand to see you afraid. His heart aches every time he sees that look in your eyes.

BangPD catches the exchange, his eyes calculating and silent.

Interesting.

"You don't have to make a decision right now." He sighs resting his head on his hand once more. You look up at him, your eyes bare and vulnerable and he squints, intrigued. You may seem like an open book, but Bang Sihyuk can tell that there is more behind your innocence. He wonders if he wants to know what secrets they keep. "I'll give you a week to think it over."

Your mouth turning dry, you try not to show your relief. Maybe after a week, he'll forget. Maybe after a week, you won't be so interesting.

After all, it's not that hard to forget about me.

You try not to be bitter about the thought, but you can't help it. After all, Namjoon was right.

This is your dream.

Looking down at the contract, you grit your teeth as though that would make the lump in your throat disappear.

This was your dream.

So why did he have to ruin it?

After a moment, BangPD nods to Namjoon, and he stands. Tapping you softly on the shoulder, he pulls you up with him, your hands clinging onto the contract as though it were a lifeline. Concerned about your current condition, RM peers into your face. You look up at him with a blank gaze, as though something inside you had been fractured.

His eyes are expectant, waiting for a sign that you won't break down. Smiling weakly, you nod to him, and he grins back before taking you by the arm and guiding you out of the office.

"I want you to know," BangPD calls after you just as Namjoon's hand rests on the doorknob. You turn back to him, confused. He looks up at you from his chair, his hand massaging his temple as he regards you with those small cold calculating eyes. "I believe you have a gift."

You swallow at the words, somehow feeling small and insignificant. At your demeanor, Sihyuk narrows his eyes before sighing and turning away, dismissing you with a final farewell.

"It would be a shame to waste it."

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: what do you think she should do?

chapter 28 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[sunseteyes]

FLUFFVEMBER DAY 30: KENMA KOZUME

prompt: random questions at 1am (prompts are by @jojosmilktea)

word count: 1,414 words | themes: gen!reader. comfort fluff? domestic! pre-established relationship

tags: @kacchanori @chickynn @todominica @sparkleswritings @brinthie @patricia-ceballos @giyuus-wife @bitchtrynafck @astrxrism @animatedarchives @deephasoceanmagic @strawberrysalwa @kawaiinishii @moonlightaangel @mrs-kuroojinguji @meliorist-midoriya @pandabobachan

rv: entirely self-indulgent. this is my routine at nightㄟ(￣▽￣ㄟ) plus, i first wrote this at 1am hehehe. also, if you guys want a song inspo listen to dreamy night by lilypichu it fits this fic so well!! also, thank you so much for supporting me all throughout my fluffvember! aaa i’m never doing anything like this again but instead maybe an event that posts every atleast 2 days?? heheh. i may have grew exhausted at least more than once but this was fun! please do look forward to my future events~ i love you all~ although speaking of kenma i’ll have an smau for him comin up!

✒︎ unspoken rule

kenma was sleeping when he heard the muffled noises that eventually became the cause of his consciousness, pulling him into the wake world with his eyes landing on you, your phone held up to your face as the light from the gadget reflected on your irises; eyes wide open, indicating that you have been focusing on whatever you were doing on the screen.

obviously from the sounds though, kenma could rule out that you were playing your favorite game—mobile legends, probably. he wasn't much of a fan of that game since he knows and likes the others more, but since it was the only game you and him mutually could play, he frequently lets you indulge him to play with you. he also knows that the only reason you might be playing as of the moment is because you couldn't sleep, just like usual.

however, his eyes were already giving up and he let the sounds from your game lull him again to sleep, pulling him in the dream world where his unconsciousness settles him in and tucks him in a fantasy that he might not even remember the moment he opens his eyes.

it was 1AM when he was awoken again, which was unlikely of him since he usually wakes up an hour after, and he'll play games from then on. despite that, he forced himself to stay awake when he sees your form, this time in front of your laptop, clearly working on something—probably a schoolwork or a tumblr post you would schedule to be published by tomorrow evening.

he sits up from the bed and he immediately wanted to lay back down again, his body urging him to. still, he raises up a hand to rub on his eyes, hoping to scratch away the sleepiness in his system.

he was half-asleep when he pulls himself to stand and sit on the empty chair next to you—the one he usually occupies whenever he's gaming or doing his livestreams. your chair will only rarely be occupied by you since you do your work outside, where you set-up your laptop and things to do on fresh air, also as a way to not be interrupted by the sounds his switch or keyboard produces whenever he plays.

every night though, is a different story.

kenma knows you are not much of a procastinator and usually does your schoolworks or stuff to do as early as possible—and he actually admires you for that. for him, you were one of the most responsible person he has ever met. however, you have a tendency to pressure yourself to do things as fast as possible, and kenma is here to support you, even if he has to sacrifice one hour of his sleep just to accompany you in your work.

he didn't have to peak on your laptop screen and just pushed his chair next to you, presumably a natural move of his—which it is, anyway. he then raises both of your hand rests so that he can settle himself beside you and lean his head on your shoulder, letting his eyelids close as you merely continued typing away from your laptop.

this is not actually the first time you've attempted to stay up late while doing your schoolworks or other things that could only keep you busy. that's why this is also not the first time he has done this for you and these moments just comes by, as if it was part of your daily routine.

"what are you working on again?" came out kenma's voice, soft and slurred from the drowsiness, but still clear enough for you, who was only inches away from him. he feels you halt your movements, and probably looks at him sideways for a second before continues on with your work.

"i have this event that i'm working on. i was supposed to do this last week but i got piled up by my schoolworks. you should sleep on the bed, ken. aren't you uncomfortable in this position?"

"i'm not," he says almost instantly, situating his head further onto your shoulder. "are you?"

"no, it's fine." there was a pleasantry in your voice that even when his eyes were closed, he knew you were smiling. "this actually feels nice. thanks for accompanying me again."

kenma on the other hand, barely had energy left to form a reaction, but he was still able to speak and mutter out words, nonetheless.

"ask me questions, (y/n). i might fall asleep if you don't."

"hm? isn't it better if you sleep instead? it's alright, y’know. i know you're tired."

"i'm not,” his brows curl and furrow in the slightest, "-just keep me from falling asleep."

"okay, alright, alright." you chuckle lowly, your energy depleted all the same, but seemingly still in a fair mood. he notices you stop your typing and you were humming, as if thinking and pondering deeply.

"what's your moon sign?"

"what's that?" kenma's eyes flufter and he sees you typing away again.

"like-your sun sign in the zodiac is libra right? the moon sign is the sign that you truly are deep inside of you." you say, despite being preoccupied. you're good at multi-tasking like that.

"i don't know what you're talking about." his eyelids closes again as he says the word "next"

"okay, uh-if me and kuroo are drowning, who would you save?"

"you," he says, not even thinking about it. "kuroo knows how to swim and you don't. besides, i'm sure kuroo would be the one saving you before he could even drown."

you let out a chuckle, probably grinning wide despite the straight-up insult he just gave.

"yeah, i think so too. your lazy ass would be ordering kuroo to save me instead, that's what."

he removes himself from your shoulder and opens his eyes to weakly glare at you, a pout on his lips that you had to laugh when you glanced at him sideways.

“what? it’s true.” you giggled and he eventually makes his way back to your shoulder, his silky hair tickling the sides of your face.

"how long are you going to stay up anyway? i'd have to play a game in a few later." he mumbles under his breath, his eyelids probably sliding shut with its desire to sleep.

your typing stops and your head turns his way once again, a hand along its way to reach for his hand, squeezing it ever so gently, "i told you, you could take a nap now. i'd just wake you up later when it's 2 AM."

your reassurance seems to have proven its worth when he lets out a breath that resembles one of a scoff, snuggling a little more on your shoulder, making himself more comfortable.

"head on to the bed, ken. you'll have a stiff neck if you sleep like that."

"i won't."

"hm?" you resumed typing, your focus divided upon kenma and what you were doing previously. you're so used in multitasking, but since you were far more concerned with his well-being, your fingers couldn't even find a way to work out anything with how your mind seemingly can’t form the thoughts you wanted it to do so.

"i won't, i'll stay here. just wake me up on time." he mutters as he drifts off, his breathing stabilizes and his form going slump next to you.

without noticing yourself, a corner of your lip curling up as the words to your work began to come back on your mind, your fingers working its way to type on your computer. you found a little bit of comfort in defiance of the stiffness and exhaustion of your muscles, trying your best not wake the other.

with him there, it was enough. with him beside you, it’s more than just enough.

thus you continued to work, with thoughts of how you’d sleep on kenma’s lap while he’s gaming a little bit later the moment he wakes up. just like usual, even in the difference of your waking states, you two still kept each other company.

despite having no conversation or obligation to do so, it became like an unspoken rule to keep the other from feeling lonely. because even in the darkest of nights and the brightest of days, you're there for him, and he's there for you.

and that alone was enough to go through the day, even at 1AM, where everyone else was sound asleep. at least, you have kenma here, right beside you.

[impaladolan]

Control Freak - Grayson Dolan

summary: after being summoned to the new CEO’s head office, or rather dungeon, there’s an unexpected twist when y/n becomes, what some would say, mouthy with her relatively new boss..

warnings: smut & swearing, the usual :)

tag(s): @joyfuldolann tehe

a/n: i’ve never really done tags, but if you’d like to participate in them— (such as for future series or control-freak/capture parts) leave a comment on any of my posts or even dm me! (only if you want, don’t feel obligated to do so, it’s just for fun :)))) ily! <3 also, sorry if this is crappy.. i’m not the biggest fan of this part, but i really wanted to get something out for you all!

part one

"I'd like to have a word with you, in my office."

His voice rang in your ears, like a symphony or an orchestra in a small room. So as you slowly walk down the hall, past the secretaries and into his large, barricaded office, you had internally convinced yourself that he's just a guy that's your boss. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

So you thought...

"Ms. Y/L/N." He addresses as soon as you shut the large door and turn around, though his eyes were glued to his large computer. "Sit." He demands, looking towards you for a moment and nodding to the chair sat in front of his huge desk. You hurry to answer his command, seating yourself in the cushiony furniture. You take a quick look around the room, the colors and décor a lot more darker and dungeon-y than Mr. Kidman had it. It almost made you sleepy, until his voice snapped;

"You should be a little less intrusive with your own thoughts, Ms. Y/L/N." He had fully turned, giving you his undivided attention with his brow arched and a signature smirk dotting his plump lips. You felt your cheeks go hot from just his voice, and his snippy, cockiness as well. "How're you to know exactly what I'm thinking, if I may ask Mr. Dolan?" You assertively question, crossing your legs as you furrow your brow with intent. You knew what games he was playing, and you'd play them right back if it meant putting him in his place, questionably.

"It's all about body language, darling. You seem to fidget a lot in my presence, which I notice that you don't do in anyone else's.” He begins, watching as you surely begin to run your hand along the ends of your skirt, something you normally do when you’re nervous. “You're a bit more sassy and less reserved when you're talking to me, and your cheeks seem to turn red when I directly speak to you, do they not?" He now had his large hands settled on the tabletop, fiddling his thumbs back and forth while he pursed his lips in question. He had completely caught you off guard and all the more stunned and almost embarrassed. "Sir.. I don't understand what you—"

"Or the way you dozed off that entire meeting. Tell me, Y/N, what were you daydreaming about, hm? Something work related I suppose?" He was quick to interrupt you, adding a fiery anger, much like Kidman's, to your attitude. "Listen, you cocky fucking asshole. I'm tired of your stupid pestering so if you could just get straight to the point instead of me having to sit here and endure your little go-arounds for another half hour, it'd be greatly appreciated." You violently whisper, standing from your seat with your arms crossed and your lips in a thin line.

You're a very tolerant person, but his continuous egging on was bound to make you burst anyway. But what made you even more extravagantly angered was his hoarse chuckle that began to rumble throughout the room. "Cocky fucking asshole, huh?" He continues his girthy laugh, standing from his seat and slowly strolling around to the front of his desk. You slightly gulp when he towers you with his height, his intensity and nonchalantness at the same time a bit too much to bear. "I'd watch that pretty little mouth of yours, princess, before it gets you into some real trouble." He seats himself on the front edge, examining you head-to-toe with his beading eyes. You grew stiff, not wanting to make a sound or remark in his wavering stare.

Perhaps to keep from getting in trouble, maybe?

"I'd say the same to you, if it weren't for yours being rather large, than little." You incoherently scoff, surprising yourself with your own words. His face contorted from his relaxed look into a more furious looking one. His grip on the ledge of his oak wood desk had tightened, making the tops of his hands whiter and more constructed than they would look relaxed. His indented cheekbones grew more visible and his eyes seemed to darken out of nowhere.

He does look very ravishing when he's angry..

Suddenly, you feel his tight grip on your hips, shoving you back down into the chair without a warning. "Y'know, Kidman told me about you," He began, waltzing away from you and around your chair, undoing his tie in the process. All the while you sat there with wide eyes and a fluttery feeling down near the pit of your stomach. It gave you goosebumps clear down your arms and legs. "He said you were a very independent, hardworking women that's quiet and respectable. But frankly, you've proved him wrong." He sighs as he turns to face you, still sat in the chair, with a sharp and pointed look that gave you the good tinglings. "Well, frankly," You mock his tone, "You've only known me for the minimum of three hours, Mr. Dolan. You're just assuming." You point out, with a ghastly smile.

To that, he loudly slaps his hands on the arms of the chair that you were forcefully sat in, his face becoming of close proximity to yours. "Have anything else to say before I smack that tiny little ass of yours?" He questions with the raise of his brow, sending another one of the flooding shivers down your entire body.

Fuck.

If it wasn't for your lack of correct, impulsive decision making skills, you would have walked away and finished whatever work you had left and hurried home. But instead, you flipped yourself over and laid on the chair, ready for whatever he wanted to do to you.

"Take that fucking skirt off." He deeply orders, taking his blazer off angrily after unclipping his belt buckle. You obey almost immediately, shimming the skirt down your legs and unbuttoning the first couple buttons of your white dress shirt. You firstly feel his fingers softly glide over your asscheek, trailing towards your thong and looping his index finger under the thin fabric. With a tight, forceful pull, he rips it in half and tosses the bunched up silk to the side as you gasp with surprise. You close your eyes as you feel his hand glaze over asscheek once again, readying yourself for what would eventually hurt like hell.

But instead of what potentially would have been a slap, you feel his large hands roughly pull your legs apart, and his cock slam down into your noticeably aroused pussy. You loudly yelp, securing your hands around whatever you could while his settled at the valley of your hips. “Fuck, yes.” He breathlessly groans with his head thrown back and his eyes scrunched with immense pleasure. Your eyes began to water and the beginning of his slow, steady thrusts made your pussy clench with the desire of more. You had your teeth sunk into your bottom lip to keep your sounds and contentment as quiet as possible.

You hadn’t even realized how long it’s been since you’ve had real, carefree sex. You honestly forgot how good and scandalous it felt. Though, you started to remember, even in your hazed state of mind, that it was your new boss standing behind you. But before you could even get a chance to agree or take action from your right state of mind, you felt him lift you up and rush the two of you over to the other side of his spacious desk, his cock still embedded inside you and unmoving.

He lays you on your back, grabbing the opened part of your shirt and ripping it off, his teeth gritted and his brows furrowed as he swiftly unclips your bra and pulls it down your arms. Unlike his slowness before, he began to speed up quickly, barreling into you like he hadn’t done it in years. Which would be true if he hadn’t drunkenly slept with a women he had met at the bar almost a year ago, but he faintly remembers that anyway.

You became used to the pressure that once stretched your walls uncomfortably, but now it felt right. The way he entered you, at a slight angle, made your legs quiver with desire and the yearning for more. And when he touched that certain spot, oh god it made you whine like crazy.

“Fuck—there!” He had you almost screaming, which made him all the more aroused and heightened. He continued his harsh poundings, bringing his hands from your hips and softly up your stomach until they reached your perky breasts. He toyed with your sharpened nipple, grinning at the sensation it brought to you when you arched your back. With the sudden shaking of your legs and the unshielded moans you let loose, he could just tell you were extremely close.

“Don’t you fucking cum yet, Y/N. I’ve hardly fucking started with you.” Grayson then harshly brought his hand down to your soaked clit, rubbing it in quick circles. You weren’t really one to disobey authority, but it seems like getting on Grayson Dolan’s, the CEO of the company Choff, nerves were a bit more fun and exhilarating.

So when you felt the extremely bound knot in your stomach begin to want to unravel— you just let it. You came over his engulfed cock that continued to sink into you as you hardly breathe, the overflowing feeling and sensation that numbed your entire body washing over you. You weren’t given anytime to reassess, because he continued his thrusts, speeding himself up with an anger you’ve never seen before. He picked you up again, slamming you against the wall with one of his hands holding your ass up while the other kept your hands above your head.

“That’s fucking it—”

Though, the two of you were too caught up in each other to realize that someone was at the door, stunned and shocked at the scene playing out..

(masterlist)

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Forty-Four

Table of Content or Part Forty-Three

Read HERE on wattpad

Words: 3.2k

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse

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@fancywasmyname1 @teller258316 @ggorehorror

May 10, 1986, is hands down one of the most embarrassing days of my life...and Nikki's...and Tommy's, Heather's, Vince's, Mick's, Tansy's, etc.

I pluck the letter from our accountant off the door, not shocked with its content, but it still sends a streak of anger, sadness, and disappointment through me.

"What's that?" Izzy asks me, and I raise my brows and push it into his chest.

"A snapshot of your future if you don't slow down." I tell him with a sigh, taking my sunglasses off and putting my keys on the keyring as the guys file in behind me. "Nikki!" I call. "We gotta head to the hotel!"

I turn to face Slash, Izzy, Steven, Axl and Duff, digging in my jacket pocket to pluck five keys out.

"There's snacks in the pantry, beer in the fridge, and food in the freezer. Do not go in our bedroom, I will know, and I will kill you. Do whatever you want, but if you break it you buy it and I don't want random girls in here. If anything goes missing..." I start, turning to face them. "...I will make sure your career crashes and burns before you even get it off the ground." I promise, not an ounce of bullshit in my voice, seeing that my words get my point across to everyone except...

"You're bluffing." Axl scoffs out and I raise a brow.

"All I have to do is tell Nikki I have sex with Duff in my dreams." Is what I want to say, but I just brush it off and ignore him as Nikki stumbles in, pulling his jacket on, dragging his suit in the protective covering behind him by its hanger.

"Dude, you alright?" Steven asks him, a little concerned and Nikki pushes past them to go to outside to my car.

"I thought he was the best man." Izzy says and I exhale, grabbing my overnight bag and my dress for the wedding, from the couch.

"He is." I confirm, heading to the door. "Be good, stay out of trouble, I left the number for the hotel and our room number on the fridge." I inform them, opening the door, giving them one last glance. "Thank you for watching the house. I love you, guys."

"Love you!" Duff, Steven and Slash calls back before I shut the door and step to my car.

I put my stuff  carefully in the trunk, seeing Nikki lazily crumpled his suit up and tossed it in.

I roll my eyes and fix his mess, laying it as flat as I can with my wrapped up dress before shutting the trunk and getting into the driver's seat.

Tommy and Heather had the Biltmore Hotel in Santa Barbara as their wedding venue, and everyone decided it would be easier to just stay the weekend instead of driving back home...Nikki had a grand plan to kick drugs over the weekend to avoid rehab.

But he did the exact opposite.

"...So Sparkie had to just give up on making it because his flight was delayed repeatedly and--Do I look okay?" Tansy asks me, looking down at her light pink dress that hugs just the right amount of her overly thin body.

"You look beautiful." I tell her, going over her tracks with more foundation as Tommy comes in.

"Nikki's fucked up." Tommy tells me, irritated and I look at him with dread filling me.

"What?"

"Nikki is fucked up on smack, Viv. That's what. And he's my fucking best man." He repeats. "My parents are here. Her family is here. They're pretty conservative and my best man is obviously tripping on something." He goes on.

"Shhhit." I hiss, walking to the door and he's hot on my trail as I make my way to the groom's suite, seeing Nikki on a couch, nodding off with his sunglasses on.

I take them off and pat his face until he wakes up.

"What?!" He startles.

"Fuck, Nikki." I let out a breath, seeing his pupils are nearly gone, his eyes a dead giveaway to his problem. "Where is it?" I ask and he looks at me blankly.

"Where's what?"

"I'm not playing this game with you. Where is it?"

His pinpoint accented eyes burn into me.

"If it were in your pussy, you'd know where it was." He sarcastically states.

My hand is picking up his pant leg and reaching into his boot, pulling out a lump of tar wrapped in cling wrap.

He rolls his eyes as I go to the other boot and pull out a plethora of syringes.

"Stand up." I order and he rolls his eyes and stands up. "Arms out, legs spread."

He obeys, a tight smirk on his face when I finish patting down each of his arms, and start on his legs.

My hands reach into each of the pockets in his pants to make sure there's nothing in them before he's grabbing my hand and putting it on his crotch.

"You couldn't keep it up right now if you tried." I tell him and he let's out a chuckle.

I just push at his chest and he falls back onto the couch as I gather his supplies.

"You'll get this back later." I lie to him, turning step past Tommy to put the stuff in my bag.

It was a smart tactic, truthfully. He couldn't shoot up because he didn't have his supply. But someone else there did have a supply I didn't even think about until Nikki was borderline comatose by the time the ceremony was about to begin.

"You what?!" I shout at Tansy as panic settles into her blue eyes.

"He was starting to bug out so I just thought--"

"--No, you didn't think about anything! If you had, you would've actually had time to process the fact that he has obligations to Tommy that, thanks to you supplying him with his bullshit, he might not be able to do!" I bark back and tears swell in her eyes as she looks like she's about to cry.

"Viv, just calm down." Vince interjects and I glare at him before looking at Nikki's nearly knocked out form.

"We gotta get out there in, like, ten minutes, Viv." Tommy reminds me, just as frustrated as me.

I let out a weak breath, giving up, rubbing my forehead before looking at Tansy.

"Do you have any blow?" I ask her, and she looks confused for a moment. "He needs to be alert so we can try to hide the fact he's stoned. Key word: 'try'."

"Y-Yeah?" She tells me.

"Bring it here."

She doesn't argue, going to her purse and pulling out a bindle of blow.

I hand it to Tommy and he cuts a few lines of if up, patting at Nikki's face to wake him up.

"Yo, best man, wake the fuck up, snort some, and let's go. I don't wanna be late and I don't wanna embarrass Heather." He tells him as Nikki groggily comes to.

"I'm up, man, just..." He waves his hand at him, sitting up.

I hold out a straw from Tansy's drink, to Nikki, and he looks up at me.

"One minute you're telling me I'm going to rehab, the next you're encouraging me to snort coke?" He laughs humorlessly. "Jesus Christ, are you manipulative or what?"

"Hey, asshole, hush and get your shit together so you don't ruin the most important day of my fucking life." Tommy loses his patience and sternly tells Nikki and Nikki looks insulted.

"The most important day of your life was the day I let you join my band." Nikki fires back, and Tommy rolls his jaw.

"Viv, you're my best man." Tommy tells me suddenly.

"Tommy, just--"

"Am I gonna be standing up there by myself or...?" He interrupts me and I sigh.

"I'll do it, drummer." Mick says from where he's in the corner, minding his business.

"Thank you, Mick. Good to know someone in my band has my back."

"Look, I'm fine." Nikki insists, ignoring Tommy, rubbing his eyes and discarding the lines of white powder. "And I already got the rings, let's just get this done, man."

Nikki goes to get up, but trips and falls into the glass coffee table beside him.

"Babe--"

"I got it." He insists, cutting me short. "I'm good."

No, he wasn't. When we got outside, the afternoon sun just highlighted his sickly appearance.

A disgusting yellow tint to his skin that seemed to cling to his thin frame, although the bloat that only seemed to worsen in the warm weather, covered up his obvious weight loss.

He was dripping sweat, and not because it was that hot outside, and he even left four different times during the ceremony to go to the bathroom (we all know what he was really doing), and when he was present, he was nodding off non-stop.

By the time the reception hit, I was dreading his best man speech.

I eat another bite of my salmon as Tansy and Heather continue to talk about where she and Tommy are honeymooning, and Tommy looks disappointed as Nikki approaches the table from another trip to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Tommy." I mumble and he sighs out.

"Thanks, Viv." He kisses the top of my hand before looking over my head.

Arms wrap around my neck, and I'm startled a little before I look up and see Athena standing over me.

"Hey!" I greet her, standing up to hug her to me.

"Marry a rock guy and you're suddenly too good for me?" She asks, joking about how long it's been since we've seen each other. "Speaking of your rock guy, he didn't look too good up there." She says lowly through her teeth and I raise my brows.

"He's not." I reply quietly, feeling Nikki's hand squeezing at my shoulder and Athena looks at him over my shoulder and smiles.

"Hey." Nikki tells her the best he can as they hug for a second.

"Hey, dude." Athena says to him. "Um, I'll see you guys before I go, alright? There's hot guys everywhere and I'm gonna go see if I can hook a dick--I mean a date--for tonight."

"Be wise with your selection." I warn her.

"I will." She queezes my hand before stepping away and I exhale softly before sitting next to Nikki and as he drinks down his glass of wine Tommy stands up and clanks his spoon against his glass, silencing the five hundred guests.

"Alright, first of all, Heather and I would like to thank all of you for driving out here to celebrate this day with us. We really do appreciate it, and we love you guys more than you know. Right now, we're gonna take a moment to hear some words from the best man and maid of honor, and then really get the party going." He announces and Nikki squeezes his eyes closed for a moment before standing up, holding up his wine.

"To the bride and groom, may all your struggles be in bed." He let's out with a slight slur, obviously expecting people to laugh, but it falls flat.

"May all your ups and down be in bed." Is what he meant to say, but his brain was checked out, and by the looks on Heather's parents' faces, they were already second guessing the marriage after Nikki said that.

I struggle to keep my cringing on the down low as everyone awkwardly glances around and Nikki sits down, looking a little humiliated as he hides behind his hair while keeping his eyes on the table.

The awkwardness subsides as the maid of honor starts a tear jerking, elaborate speech about her relationship with Heather, but I don't pay much attention, too busy worrying over Nikki.

The way his eyes are shifting around the room, tells me he's anxiously trying to think up an escape plan to ditch this place all together.

My hand goes to his thigh, and he looks at me.

Despite being pissed at him for letting Tommy down, I still feel bad for him. I know he didn't plan to let him down, he just can't fucking help himself and I don't understand why he can't walk away from the drugs.

I give him a reassuring smile before kissing his cheek.

He puts his hand on the inside of my knee, scooting me closer to him, and I rest my head against his arm.

Once the girl's speech is done, Nikki's disappearing and the bride and groom dance is next.

I watch Tommy and Heather, their pure, annoying, over the top, but sweet, love.

I think Nikki and I had that at one point. We had to have had it in order to be so sure we wanted to spend the rest of ours lives together, even though I still second guess myself sometimes, and I'm sure he does, too.

I don't even think I was sure about it when we got married.

Tommy and Heather look so sure, though. They say, "I love you." If I said that, Nikki would probably run for the hills.

Someone's grabbing at my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts and I see Vince.

"C'mon, Miss Ballet." He tells me, and I furrow my brows.

"You're not big on dancing, Vince." I point out as we join other people slowly dancing around Heather and Tommy at this point.

"I'm not dancing, I'm spending time with my worst friend." He chuckles, and I take off my heels, holding them by their straps in one hand while my other hand rests in his, and his other hand holds at my waist.

Our one-inch height difference has me smirking arrogantly at him as we move together.

"What?" He asks.

"I'm taller." I pick at him a little.

"You're not ever gonna let that go, are you?"

"Nope." I giggle, shaking my head a little. "Sharise couldn't come?" I ask him and he shrugs.

"Skylar got sick." He explains and I nod as he glances around.

"Where'd he go?"

"Exactly where you're thinking he is." I respond and he stays quiet for a second, holding me a little closer to him.

"Have you two talked more about him...you know...?"

I shake my head.

"He doesn't think he needs rehab, just detox. As for therapy to save our marriage...that's up in the air." I admit, looking as Tommy and Heather laugh lightly amongst themselves as they dance, and Vince rubs his lips together and follows my line of sight.

"When I married Beth, I never thought we'd separate." He tells me and I raise my brows.

"Really?"

"No, I'm just trying to give you something to relate to, to help you not feel alone." He confesses and I laugh a little.

"I'm fine, Vince. I'll be okay."

"You and Nikki hate each other, Vivian. And if you don't yet, you will. Trust me. Beth and I were the same way and we put it off thinking it was gonna get better and it just never did."

"But Nikki and I are gonna work on it and get help." I state.

"Look, I'm not trying to freak you out, I'm just wondering how the hell you're gonna fix things because it's gonna take a lot. And if he isn't sober and on his A-game and giving it his all to mend shit, it's gonna wear you down more and more and it's gonna get uglier."

I know what he's saying is true, and I sniffle back a tear-induced running nose as water lines my eyes.

"Hey," he sees me about to cry, hugging me fully to him now and I wrap my arms around him, tears rolling down my face. "Shh shh shh." He soothes me.

"Vince, I'm scared." I say in a whisper.

"Viv, you guys are gonna be okay. I'm sure you'll find a way take fix things just to spite people saying you two won't last." He assures me, his hand rubbing comfortingly up and down my back. "Look at me." He says and I do, and he wipes at my tears. "It'll be fine, alright?" I nod. "Okay?"

"Okay." I reply, sniffling again.

He kisses my cheek and I hug him again.

"You got this." He promises me.

After our dance is over, Tommy is still in Heatherland and I decide to go find Nikki in the men's room.

"I was about to come find you." He tells me when he sees me come in as he's splashing water on his face in the sink.

"I was waiting for a dance with you but you never came back." I tell him, taking note that he's more aware than earlier.

He doesn't reply, he just starts to pull his bowtie and jacket.

"We can go up to our room and you can change." I suggest calmly.

He ignores me, getting the bowtie off, and sliding from his jacket.

I take them from him so he doesn't leave them, and he starts unbuttoning his shirt.

"You can't strip down and go to the room naked." I argue as he gets his belt loose before getting his pants undone. "Nikki--"

I'm cut off, his lips keeping me quiet out of absolutely nowhere, and as he backs me against the counter of sinks and pushes me up onto it, pushing my dress up my hips. I realize what he's doing. "We can't do this." I break away from him, taking deep breaths as his tongue runs up my neck.

"Why not?" He asks against my skin.

"Because you're not attractive to me right now." I want to say, but don't.

I don't have to.

"I just want you to get better." I say to him and he furrows his brows, giving me the opportunity to realize his pupils are big now, probably due to over correcting his heroin stupor with blow during his bathroom visit.

"So, what, you're just gonna keep your fucking legs closed until I get help?" He asks me as if I'm being ridiculous and I close my eyes and sigh out.

"Nikki, you're sick." I say as calmly and politely as I can, my stomach churning at his appearance. "I'm a shitty wife if I close my eyes and let you fuck me and just pretend you're healthy." I explain.

I think he's going to yell at me, or pitch a fit...but his tears roll down his face and collide with my hands that are still holding him, and he looks angry but tired of fighting.

"I'm trying to fix this. I don't want to go to anybody and have them tell me how to be married and how to live my life. You're not happy and I'm just trying to fix this." He tells me and I swallow back my own tears.

"Sex doesn't fix this, Nikki." I tell him. "I wish it would, I really do, but it just doesn't."

I see an obvious fight within himself as he thinks of what to tell me next.

"Fine." His voice cracks, a mixture of a sigh of relief and a stubborn surrender lacing his tone.

He and I called Bob Timmons and Doc that night.

[fromheroestodust]

Rose Killer: Pt.6; Vampire-ish Gala and a Posing Couple

Summary: You're the leader of the strongest mafia in London. What will happen when you're forced to team up with your worst enemy?

Warnings: violence, language

Word count: 2542

A/N: taglist is open!

"Hey Haz!" Tom's voice says from nearly in front of the door in the hall. Panic grips at both of you as Harrison jumps to his feet and helps you up, you quickly running to the bedside table to pretend you were cleaning up a game.

"Haz do you-" Tom starts, walking into the room before stopping. "Oh, hey Y/n...?"

“Hi.” you reply, a blush spreading across your cheeks as you put the lid on the box before walking towards the two, awkwardness and confusion already thickening the air as you bite your lip out of nerves.

“Well, anyway we have an event to go to." He says, giving a what are you doing here stare. “All of us.”

“Okay. When?” Harrison asks whilst scratching the back of his neck, a nervous habit you've seen him do before many times before.

"Now."

A surge of panic runs through you and definitely shows on your facial features. “What?! Seriously you asshole!” You yell, rushing to your room down the hall to get dressed and to get a new rose, still cursing at Tom as you walk through the doorway and into your own closet.

"Why the fuck was she in here so early?" Tom asks Harrison from the front of the bathroom as he gets ready for god knows what kind of event, the energy of the moment wearing off and tiredness setting in.

"I accidentally grabbed a few of her papers from yesterday." He quickly fibs, turning away from the mirror. "By the way, what type of event is this?"

"It's sort of a party." Tom states, a mischievous grin on his face as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Okay...? And the theme?" Harrison asks slowly, suspicion creeping into his thoughts as he turns away from the mirror and towards his friend.

"Uh... It's like a vampire style I guess." Tom shrugs. "By the way, we're not actually leaving for another two hours. See you in the car."

"You're suck an asshole." He smiles as the brunette walks out of the room to get ready himself, Harrison picking up his phone off the desk.

Haz: you have two hours. The theme is vampire-ish.

You: thanks!

You rummage through your closet, having added a few or more items before landing upon perfect dress, a smile splitting your face. Black fabric with a deep v-neck, floral lace sleeves and a long, flowy bottom that drags on the floor. You style your hair in a high pony with all your baby and shorter than other hairs out, perfectly framing your face in a messy but put together style. After putting on blood moon lipstick with black eyeshadow you walk out of your room, a black baccara rose tucked behind your ear.

"Oh, wow." You state as you see Harrison walk out of his room. "Snazzy Hazzy."

"Oh shut up." He grins, taking in your features sending butterflies through his stomach and a smile to form on his face. "You look absolutely stunning."

"As do you." You say, giving him a toothy smile while taking his hand in yours. "So what exactly are we supposed to be doing at this vampire party? Rather than drinking blood of course."

"Using my words, aye?" Harrison says after catching up with you and stepping into the ground floor.

"I've no clue. Tom's keeping most of the details discreet." He sighs, eyes still searching you up and down as he takes in the details of your dress. "Take a picture. It'll last longer." You smirk before walking around him and down the stairs, leaving him behind slightly shocked.

"Last time I checked you didn't come up with that saying." You smirk. "Anyway, who's all coming with us?"

"It's us, Tom, Harry, and Sam." He answers, leading the way into the living room.

"Oh, Y/n!" Tom's mum says as she steps into the room. "You look wonderful! So do you Harrison!"

"Thank you." You both smile, turning to face her with your shoulders pressed against each others.

"The other three are in the car. You can go ahead out." She informs you, a hand on your shoulder with a warm smile.

"Okay. We'll see you later." Harrison says before leading you out the door and into the waiting car.

"Finally." Harry breathes as you both sit down in the back, you in between Tom and Harrison as you drape the seat belt across your waist.

"Blame Tom for not telling us we have a party today and telling me two fucking hours beforehand." You hiss, glaring at Tom who sits with a smug grin.

"I could've made it one hour."

"Then we would've been late."

"Okay, okay." Sam intervenes, hands in your direction. "Let's try to be mature."

"Rich coming from you." Tom says under his breath before talking at an average volume, "We're going to be taking Luke Shmidt back with us. He owes stuff to both of us. Oh, and you and Haz'll be posing as a couple."

"What?!" You both exclaim, turning to face him with the blood draining from your own face leaving your skin as pale as a ghost.

"Yeah." He confirms nonchalantly. "It'd look weird if it was just a five person group walking around looking over the crowd."

"Won't people know who we are?" You groan, having to grab both of your hands to stop yourself from punching Tom in the face or throwing him out of the car. Or both.

"It's mostly Americans coming. And they're lower ranked so they most likely won't be to concerned with international high ranked mafias." He explains ignoring Harrison's still stunned expression.

"What makes you think you get to boss me around on these missions? We're teamed up, not like my mafia is all yours." You quip, your jaw clenched and your hands curled into fists.

"I'm the one who found out where he was and that he was going to this gala. So I'm taking charge." He states simply, ending the argument much to your displeasure.

"You'll pay Holland." You hiss before putting your back against the seat with your arms crossed over your chest.

"Oi, Haz, you finally have a girlfriend." Sam grins.

"Shut up." Harrison sighs while sticking up his middle finger at the younger boy, snickers running through the car as you're driven to who knows where in a situation you didn't imagine possible.

-

Your group walks into the dimly lit hall, you walking closely to Harrison as two men with dark glasses and suits open the large doors for you. There's a lot of loud talking going between men in highly detailed black suits, all with American accents.

As you step into the room, you notice many of their gazes scan you up and down, most with hunger but some with surprise. Harrison's hand protectively goes to sit on your shoulder as he sees their gazes, signalling for them to back off.

"Don't forget," Tom whispers, leaning his head in between you and Harrison causing his hand to jump away. "You're supposed to be a couple."

"I'm going to kill you." You hiss as he backs away with a satisfied smirk.

Your body tenses slightly when a hand is placed on your shoulder blade as your small group makes its way through the crowds and to the bar, grins finding themselves on all the Holland's faces.

You feel very out of place posing as a couple. instead of being able to hunt for your target and lure them away with your looks, you have to stay tagging along with Harrison the whole time, not being able to make any moves or it'll be to suspicious. While this whole thing is going against your natures, you oblige to your circumstance. Maybe because you're actually dating Harrison, or maybe it's because you're taking it on as a challenge. Whatever the reason, you take it with only a small fuss.

"Would you like a drink?" The bartender asks as you take a seat on one of the stools and turn it to face him, menu in hand.

"Blue Hawaii please." You request, the man behind the counter nodding before walking away to make the cocktail.

"Hello there." A man with long, jet black hair smirks from beside you causing you to turn the chair again to look at him.

"Hi." You reply, analyzing his features to try to find out if he's important or not and whether it's worth the effort to talk.

"You look stunning." He continues, a hand reaching out onto your thigh through the slit of your dress sending an uncomfortable chill up your spine. "Why don't we get out of here and go back to my car."

"Not unless you're wanting to come back to ours." Harrison says as he comes up next to you with a stern look on his face, placing his hand on the small of your back extinguishing the chills running through you and replacing it with warmth.

"Why do I need your permission to get my own pleasure?" The man hisses, fingers digging into your skin enough for you to know there will be a bruise later.

Harrison moves to make a response but you place a hand on his chest. "No, why does he? His pleasure is my pleasure, right?" You say before turning to the waiting man, leaving a hurt and confused Haz. You ignore the blondes expression and take the the black haired mans hand in your own, a shit eating smirk on his face. That is until you twist his arm and pin it behind his back, your lips just barely grazing his ear. "I'm not your toy. And I'd suggest you don't talk that way to my boyfriend." You push him away allowing him to run away without a look back while cradling his arm like it was his first born.

"I can handle myself." You smile, turning to face Harrison whos face was painted with surprise. "What, were you getting jealous?"

"Course not." He instantly replies, an arm snaking around your waist to pull you closer to him, "I just don't like seeing people have their hands on you when you obviously don't like it."

"Well I have bad news for you." You sigh, one of your hands finding itself on his chest. "Your hand is on me."

Harrison gives a small sigh of relief, a grin taking over his features, "Well you seem okay with it."

"Fortunate for you." You smile. "Also fortunate for us, we're posing for a couple."

"Lucky us." Repeats Harrison as you pull away from him, him plants a chaste kiss to your temple before walking towards Tom, Sam, and Harry with your drinks in hand, an arm lightly placed around your waist.

"You two are fitting into your role nicely." Tom comments as you stop in front of the group.

"Fuck yourself." You hiss with an unimpressed tone. "If it's to look more natural in this situation then 'm all for it. I already get looks being the only woman here."

"Noticed that. Speaking of looks, we've got an eye on the target. He's near the back right corner of the room." Harry informs everyone, straining his neck to look over the crowds in the dim room.

"What's our plan?" You ask whilst adjusting your dress and stealing a glance at the corner to see the man.

"We're going to wait til he's alone then lead him outside and bring him back with us." Tom answers. "Now, he's heading to the bathroom."

Everyone nods as if to confirm their next moves before Harry and Sam go to the left, Tom going straight, and you and Harrison going to the right. After making it to the entrance you use the back door while the other four make their way into the men's room. Another few minutes later they walk out with a man with an obvious beer belly and light brown hair, black eyes stricken with fear as you move to the waiting car.

-

"I don't care if you're on a low," you hiss, pacing back and forth in front of the bloodied man, your knuckles dusted in blue. "I want my money."

"I have it I just-" he starts before you stop him with a solid punch to the throat, cutting off his voice and causing him to go into another fit of coughs.

"There's no excuses. You borrowed Holland's and I money, you didn't give us money back." You continue, picking up your knife off of a small table. "So, your choice now is to either give me my money, or get the shit beaten out of you."

"I... Okay." He wheezes, head hanging low. "I'll give it back. Just let me go."

"That's not exactly how it goes, but I'm glad you obliged." You smirk before making the last stride to the chair, the warehouse filled with the mans screams of pain for the rest of the day.

"Hi." You smile as you walk into the nearly empty living room only containing Harrison, your hair wet from getting out of the shower that rid you of Leo's blood.

"Hi." He replies, pausing the television and turning to face you. "Wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure." You walk to the couch and quickly find your spot in his lap, his arms instantly wrapping around you to hold you against him. "What movie are we watching?"

"Unfriended." He answers, logging into Netflix and going to the search icon, peering over your shoulder to see the screen.

"Horror movie." You state. "By the way, where's everyone else?"

"Some family reunion." Harrison answers. "Left bout an hour ago."

"So we have the house to ourselves?"

"Yup."

"In that case..." You trail off before laying down, bringing Harrison with you so you're both laying on your sides, him behind you.

"What, are you scared?" Harrison laughs, arms tightening around you sending butterflies through your stomach and causing a smile to spread on your face.

"Course not." You say quickly. "You're just really warm and it's really cold."

"Yeah, okay."

He clicks the play button on the TV, the movie starting in a college classroom as you snuggle into Harrison ready to spend the next couple hours in comfort and peace.

You let out a small squeak and jump as a girl pops up on the screen, pushing your back into Harrison's front and burying your face into his arm.

"Not scared, huh?" He laughs.

"Shut up." You grumble, pulling his arms tighter around you with your fingers laced in his, goosebumps spreading up your own arms.

As the movie progresses, Harrison falls asleep shortly followed by you. But what neither of you realized is the Hollands walking in the door and the shit storm you were about to cause

[uwapurin]

I don't know how to "advertise". I know there are people out there who are interested in this sort of thing, I just don't know where they are or how to reach them. Even if I did, my social anxiety would probably prevent me from doing so. Even attempting to use common tags on Tw­i­tter multiple times garnered no results. I appreciate the people who have been playtesting this far (some of which even inviting a few new people), and continue to playtest, but I want and need more. It's not even a selfish "I want to be big" thing (because I honestly don't, I was wholly expecting a smaller community, and I would be satisfied so long as at least one server was active enough to play a game at any point in the day; honestly I don't think I could handle a "big" community). I genuinely do need this for the development.

Most of the playtesters thus far as European. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but I haven't gotten an actual US playtest session in yet. There have never been enough active Americans for it. Furthermore, they get to play more actual games than I do because of timezone differences. The game is very much a passion project, born out of something I've always enjoyed greatly and have begun to miss dearly because of the general shift in gaming culture (and the fact that the games that inspire me have been more or less abandoned), so to not be able to play my own game that's partially born out of personal appeal is a bit depressing.

A bit more depressing is when it seems like there's waning interest at any point. I know that's natural, especially with it in its "alpha" phase, but with no new people to make up for it and no new activity, it's even more depressing. I see playtest sessions happen twice a week; I end up missing a fair number of them because they're organized by Europeans. The way I did the netcode is to promote being able to play effectively regardless of latency, but as a consequence (as there is no such thing as "perfect" netcode), some of the Europeans complain about me (an American) playing sometimes because of the latency between me and them leading to certain situations (like being eliminated "from far away", even when that's moreso a result of them moving quickly in the time to took for that information to actually be transferred, because it's about time rather than distance). But on top of just being able to playtest more often, I'd also be able to "segr­egate" playtest sessions between regions so less people complain about latency between certain players.

I do say that it's fine to invite new people, and some people have done that, but nobody seems to have really done it lately. I don't want to literally beg for it though. I don't want people to feel like they're obligated to do it. I'd much rather they do it on their own accord if they enjoy the game that much, but as such, seeing that not happen is also depressing because it seems like people aren't enjoying it as much.

And then there's a general lack of feedback. I've asked for feedback numerous times (particularly balancing feedback), but most of the time I don't really get any from anyone else except the same one or two people. I need multiple perspectives to achieve a better overall balance.

And then there's obviously the desire to have an active enough playerbase by launch. I know launch is still at least a few months off, I still have a fair bit to do, but at this rate I'm not too confident I'll garner a big enough playerbase for regular activity.

I'm also tired of rhetoric like "you should focus on a single player game" or "independent developers shouldn't make multiplayer games unless they already have a big following". I don't want to make a single player game. I have the hardest time actually remaining motivated when I do that. At that point I basically end up doing nothing because I wouldn't finish the project anyway. It's a dismissive thing to say too, basically saying you can't do anything that appeals to your own interests because other people refuse to have any faith in you or show any sort of encouragement.

I'm still motivated enough to work on this project. It'll likely still be launched. But I can't bring myself to be optimistic about anything when it feels like people generally don't care. I know there are people out there who do want something like this, I've seen it in other games (one of the big examples being more or less dead now because the devs did fuck all with it for 10 years, yet it still managed to retain the sort of "active-enough" playerbase for several years regardless). I just don't know how to reach them without being intrusive about it, or how to reach them with some actual chance of success. Half the time I don't know why I ever bother trying to do anything because nobody's ever really cared to begin with.

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

G O T 7 PT.12

Guerin trotted up to JB's studio door with Eneoji and entered the code he had sent her. JB looked up as she came in, "Jagi, I wasn't expecting you so soon."

"I found a taxi that would take Eneoji, so I didn't need to drop her at home first." She gave him a kiss in greeting and detached the leash. JB grinned as Eneoji wiggled up to him and gave her an affectionate face squish and kiss on the nose before petting her. Guerin's heart swelled as she watched their interaction, settling into the chair next to JB at his desk. Once their greeting was finished Eneoji occupied herself by sniffing around the unfamiliar room and JB swiveled around back to the computer, with a glance at Guerin.

"Are you nervous?" He asked raising his brows over a crooked smile.

Guerin rubbed her knees and laughed almost shyly at his callout, "Yeah I think a little, but I'm also excited."

"Let's watch it then." He pulled up the email that showed two private links, one labeled as the music video and the other just said "watch after".

"What's that?" Guerin asked, pointing at the mysterious message.

"I don't know yet. I guess we'll find out after." JB shrugged and clicked the first link. Maximizing the video he sat back and took Guerin's hand to watch. It followed the storyline they had filmed; meeting, dating, the jealousy and the makeup, all interspersed with Mihi flying or the two of them playing with her. Once it was over Guerin clapped.

"Wow, BamBam did really amazing! Isn't he in the restaurant business? How is he so good?" She gushed.

"He pretty much hired people to run stuff for him, he does video editing as a part time hobby." JB grinned at her reaction, "That turned out better than I thought. His changes were good. You did great too, you looked amazing."

"I mean yeah compared to now." She joked about her post-workout appearance.

"I like you like this too." He took her hand again and met her gaze.

It was too intense for Guerin and she gave a crooked smile before changing the subject, "Let's check out that second link." She suggested suddenly.

JB stares at her for a moment with knowing smile before allowing himself to be distracted. Clicking on the mysterious link brought up another video.

"Behind the scenes?" Guerin read outloud curiously, exchanging a glance with JB before they refocused on the screen. The first few seconds were of Guerin talking, explaining to BamBam the concept of Free Flight. Her words continued as the screen flashed through different scenes of them filming, making mistakes and laughing, JB teasing Guerin and making goofy expressions.

"I had no idea he was recording." Guerin covered her mouth, embarrassed.

Back on the screen was a goofy dance off Guerin had started with Yugyeom before she tagged in JB as she was clearly in over her head. The scenes of Guerin laughing at her phone while JB teased her. The mood subtly changed. The smiles they shared with each other became softer, the reactions as they separated filming scenes they physically touched became shy, sweet even. JB's voice replaced Guerins.

"We're always learning. If we aren't open for improvement we become stagnant. People in our loves either feed that growth or they starve it." The scene changed to the actual moment JB was talking. He wasn't looking at the camera, but behind it, most likely at BamBam. Guerin glanced at JB who looked surprised and a bit anxious.

In the video Guerin was in the background playing with Mihi and JB glanced back at her with a small smile. He didn't say anything for a moment and the scene changed to an outtake from them goofing off when JB's voice cut in again, "I feel like every time we're together we learn something. So it's pretty easy to pretend I'm falling in love with someone I'm actually falling in love with." The scene changed back to a shyly smiling JB before he looked seriously at BamBam, "Don't tell her I said that."

The video wrapped up with a few more outtakes but the two sat someone shocked in silence as the video wrapped up. Guerin was positive she could hear BamBam cackling as he put together this extra content. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest, it was such a cheesy line but it was so cute and delivered in such a heartfelt way she could feel herself weakening.

"You didn't want me to hear that?"

"No..." JB said, covering his face, "I'm gonna kill him."

"Technically he didn't tell me." Guerin said unhelpfully trying not to smile. JB leaned back sucking in air through his teeth.

"Hey come on. It's not that bad. It's a teensy bit tacky but actually really sweet and moving." Guerin reached for him, patting his shoulder reassuringly as JB groaned.

"He already sent this to JYPE. We can stop it from getting approved and posted since it hasn't dropped yet." JB said, dropping his head to the side to look at Guerin.

"I dunno. It's actually kinda cute. Maybe people will find it endearing." Guerin shrugged, "If you think it's a problem then stop it, but if I was a fan this kind of stuff would get me super excited."

JB looked nonplussed, so Guerin stood and moved his beanie to kiss his forehead, "Babe you do what you want with it. I'll leave you to your work. I've got a meeting with Jisoo and training with HEET this afternoon so I've got to head out."

As she moved away JB took her wrist and tugged gently. She looked down at his pout and he tapped his lips. Failing to hold in a smile she bent down and kissed him sweetly.

"I got you, Jinri!" JB scooped up the toddler and spun her around as she squealed in joy. He playfully tossed her up, making her scream happily.

"Careful, sweetie." Guerin couldn't help but feel cautious, even if she could see the little girl loved the game.

"She likes it!" JB said, but he obliged her and instead sat on the floor with Jinri and made silly faces with her.

"He is so amazing with her." Charlie sat down cross legged next to Guerin, "It must make you feel all soft." She knew her friend well.

Guerin looked down and smiled. Seeing JB with animals and with children was an extreme soft spot of hers. It had been over a year since the tour with HEET and they were already preparing for another one.

"It definitely makes it harder to go." Guerin admitted, "But work is work. And I do like working with HEET. They're like my sons, I'm so proud of all of them."

"Seungbin has gotten so big! I remember when he was just a baby. He's turning into quite the handsome man." Charlie gushed fondly.

"Why are you talking about another man like that?" Jinyoung fake pouted, joining the two women on the floor. He had just returned from his trip to the store to join the conversation.

"Are you actually pretending to be jealous of a seventeen year old?" Guerin teased.

"I don't want Charlie to see anyone but me." Jinyoung made no effort to hide his smile as he pulled his wife toward him and kissed her head.

Jinri pulled away from JB and headed toward the trio. He called after her and collapsed on the floor from her rejection as Jinri left him. Guerin couldn't help but laugh at the exaggerated expression of hurt on his face. Jinri climbed into Jinyoung's lap and gazed at him lovingly, "Appa." She seemed excited to see her dad. Jinyoung's face hid none of his joy as he immediately cuddled his daughter close, he didn't need words to express his obvious adoration as he cooed at her lovingly while she giggled when he smothered her face with kisses.

"This is so cute I might vomit." Guerin gushed.

"Imagine how I feel." Charlie might as well have actual heart eyes as she watched the two of the interact.

JB sat down next to Guerin, putting his arm around her shoulder and watching his dongsaeng with a jealous expression, "When do we get one of those?" He asked with a pout.

Guerin's eyes widened as she swung to look at him, "Excuse me?" She was surprised into english. Fortunately his biligunal abilities had expanded enough that he understood her shock.

"She's so cute." He pulled Guerin close, staring at Jingyoung's now smug expression with a covetous look of his own, "Let's get one."

"Yeah let's just adopt one right now." Guerin rolled her eyes, trying to cover the palpitations of her heart.

"If you think adoption is faster, let's do it." He responded.

"Don't you think you're missing a step?" Charlie raised an eyebrow at the petulant man and the flabbergasted woman in his arms.

"Well we obviously are going to get married." JB shrugged, "And I'll buy a house for us."

"Okay wait hold up. This is a whole conversation I'd like to be a part of? There's a lot of decisions being made without me despite me being a key player." Guerin said, flustered.

"You don't want kids with me?" JB asked, looking surprised.

"I didn't say that I just... timing and... ability and space... and... JB THIS IS NOT THE PLACE." She protested finally, covering her face.

JB laughed, "Okay, we'll work out the details later." He said as he kissed her temple.

Jinyoung looked at Charlie with a raised brow, "What just happened?"

"Pretty sure they just got engaged and pregnant." Charlie said, holding her arms open for her daughter, who eagerly jumped to her mom.

"Shut up." Guerin said in a muffled voice from behind her hands, a rare blush reddening what little of her face was visible. She peaked up at JB who shrugged.

"It sounds like a plan to me." He said.

"This is the weirdest engagement ever." Jinyoung said.

"It suits them." Charlie said matter of factly about her two friends.

END