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batsplat · 6 months ago

Note

thoughts on challengers ? 👀

haha okay sure. I was overthinking this when I first saw this ask but since then I've sent half an hour worth of voice notes to my number one person I send half hour's worth of voice notes to (listen she keeps encouraging me to) and I've ironed some of my thoughts out. also I should probably watch it again. some of this might be me misremembering shit. also it's not that serious. quick warning, this ended up being just. too long. it's basically just a long rant. under the cut it goes

so first of all, I really enjoyed watching this film. I liked the central premise a lot, I liked the chemistry between the characters, tashi was very hot, the score was fantastic, the cinematography was at least interesting, and a lot of the non-tennis bits are interesting

having gotten that out of the way. there's an interview where guadagnino says he doesn't watch tennis matches because he finds them boring, which to be clear is completely fair enough - but I do think it does slightly come across in how the tennis is filmed. there's definitely fun, neat stuff in there: the shot where it follows around the ball, the shot from underneath the court, all of that stuff. and I think there's obviously a lot of challenges with filming tennis when you have to make sure you can't, like, see the actors actually play tennis, and I don't know anything about film-making so I don't want to judge it too harshly. but there are a few established angles from which tennis looks good, and this film doesn't really use them all that much. it was interesting to what extent they went for side shots (basically from the tashi pov in the final match) rather than... well, picking a side, and at different points of that match actually giving the viewer a clearer sense of the visceral nature of what they're doing here. like, if you're going court level from behind the player, that's how you capture the weight of the shot on screen. which felt was a little bit... missing

okay... ffs this next section ended up kind of being tennis tactics 101, and then the other bit ended up being about how matches work. my basic point here is that I think this film did some interesting stuff with the tennis but, and this is part of my more longstanding frustrations about the untapped narrative potential of sports, I think you could've done a lot more and communicated a lot more through the actual tennis. not just for annoying people who want to go 'oh look that's an extreme western grip and explains why her forehand has so much spin but can also be fragile when absorbing pressure!!' but for the general viewing audience. I want to be very clear here: I do not really care about realism except when I'm being annoying in voice notes, I care about storytelling. if you understandably do not give a shit about all this tactics and match construction stuff, skip to the bit marked 3 for more of my thoughts related to the actual film

now you might go 'okay but this film isn't about capturing tennis and doing it justice - it's not even about tennis'. yeah, but tennis is the central metaphor! tennis is a relationship, right, but it's also a conversation. it's a way of communicating something to the audience, yes, in a way non-tennis fans can also pick up on. and a lot of the tennis looked pretty same-y. the points were very similar - the intensity was ramped up mainly by the characters just... whacking the ball harder, running side by side, and then sometimes they both move forwards. this isn't a realism issue, it's a storytelling issue. you can tell a story with a tennis point, you can construct these points in different ways to tell you different things

just to give you an example (I promise this is relevant): okay, the most common rally pattern in tennis is hitting cross court. so either you hit on the deuce court (from your pov, this is from the right side of your court to the left side of the other player's court, aka the forehand side for right handed players) or the ad court (the opposite, and thus the backhand side for right handed players). this is for a bunch of tactical reasons. the net is at its lowest in the middle so, y'know, you're less likely to hit it. perhaps most importantly, it's a question of angles and... okay look I don't want to bore the two people reading this with the details but just to very quickly explain, here:

say player a is hitting the ball along the red line to player b, the orange zone depicts the theoretical area in which the ball trajectory of player b's answering shot can go. like, if you want to get the other player to move 'out of the court', you can only do so by going back cross court... which is obviously where, in a cross court exchange, the other player is already standing. this is why a lot of the times, players don't 'recover' after their shots to the exact centre of the court, but instead make a judgement of where the centre is of the theoretical zone the opponent can hit. to put it in plain english: I hit a forehand cross, I don't move back to the exact middle of the court because I know where you can hit the ball back and I need to be in the middle of that - which skews to the right of centre. also, I just know it's more likely you're going to go cross again, because that's just how this works

you want to move the other player around, right, first of all to get the ball past them - but also to make it harder for them to attack you. you're trying to construct a point so that eventually they are the one who can't reach the ball/makes an error, not you. a lot of the times, continuing to go cross court is the smart option. it's less risky than going down the line, and also if your down the line shot isn't perfect, where it isn't a winner or at least a shot they'll struggle to attack, then you're setting up a situation where they have all the angle in the world to work with, where the centre of their theoretical hitting zone is nowhere near where you're actually standing and they can easily whack the ball past you

now, why the fuck does this matter when we're talking about the tennis threesome film? obviously, I don't expect the director to interrupt the film to explain angles to the audience. in tennis terms, 'go cross court' is tactics for babies, but it's still not something most viewers will be instinctively familiar with. but think about what it actually does if players keep exchanging shots cross court because they can't risk going down the line: they're engaging in a direct contest! they are measuring one shot against the other, my forehand against your forehand, my backhand against your backhand, and they are trying to assert dominance. sometimes, you have no choice to escape that exchange even when it's risky because their raw cross court shot is better than yours. sometimes, you're trapped in that exchange. how you can extract metaphors from that should be fairly obvious, and I don't think this should be visually too tough to get across - it's a power struggle between two people contained within a simple shot pattern. it adds variation to what the viewer is being shown (and, yes, it does make the points feel more realistic), but it's also a way of gradually ramping up intensity. my shot against your shot - who wins? who is willing to risk deviating from the norm? who sets themselves up for a trap - does patrick sucker art into attacking him down the line? can he then manage to counterpunch (to use attack as defence) by making it to art's shot in time and placing his response into the open court? who blinks first etc etc

look, this is only one way you can visually use tennis to add to the story. another common tactic is (if you're a right handed player) hitting forehands from the ad court, to 'run around the backhand'. that's an expression of dominance, it's a power play - you're trying to bully your opponent with your most powerful shot (which is the forehand for 99% of players, some might have better backhands but they won't have stronger ones), and you're deliberately recovering less to the centre. you're camping out on the ad side, and going 'yeah I don't actually think your down the line shot is good enough to hurt me, I actually feel very comfortable standing right here so I can more easily move far enough to the left to continue hitting forehands'. it's a tactic that is implicitly passing judgement on the opponent, and again, I refuse to believe you can't show this in a way that the audience understands roughly what's going on. have patrick bully art with his forehand into the weaker backhand or vice versa - they can use their faces to show how comfortable they are with their respective positions. y'know, make the actors act. have one of them find the backhand down the line, fire it into the bit of the court the opponent has completely left open. your characters are using tennis to assert dominance over each other, to manipulate, to deceive each other - you can do that with the actual tennis they're playing

you can also express character through tennis. I'm not saying different play styles function as a personality quiz, but inherently the way you play is going to reflect what you feel comfortable with doing on the tennis court. is your preferred point three shots long or twenty shots long? are you looking to dominate your opponent with your big weapons, or are you looking to trick them with your variety of shots and smarts in using them? or are you looking to just grind them into submission with sheer relentless consistency?

take the drop shot: a shot that 'drops' right after it clears the net as a result of how the player has put a different kind of spin onto it. ideally, it's so close to the net the opponent can't sprint forward quickly enough to reach the ball. how effective your drop shot is depends on several things. obviously, it's how good the shot and the placement and the spin you've put on it is. it also depends on where you're standing and where your opponent is standing, which means that particularly effective dropshots usually come after big, heavy attacking shots that have forced the opponent to move back and have allowed you to move into the court. and it also depends how good your disguise is: for as long as possible, it should look like the shot you're playing is going to be a bog standard forehand or backhand - until you readjust your grip at the last moment and slash the racquet downwards (vs the upwards motion you'd make with the bog standard forehand or backhand). this is a shot that depends on the element of surprise. it's about trying to fuck with your opponent, it's about choosing your moment. it's about playing with them! and you can get pretty memorable reactions from your opponent. if you wrong foot them well enough, they'll literally stumble when they realise what's happening and never even start running. maybe they'll comically flail their arms

I feel like when the men's world number seven throws his arms up in shock every time somebody hits a short ball, you can probably convey this kind of dynamic in a film

and think about what it says if somebody's using a shot like that. again, you're trying to fuck with the other player, and you are relying on your knowledge of the opponent to figure out when they might be susceptible to it. now, obviously, this is tough to do when you're playing someone for the first time and (unlike top level professional players) don't have a vast amount of data to work with and how often xyz shot works against them in xyz situation. this is generally why early in a match, it's a good idea to just like, test some stuff out to give yourself a sense of how they'd react, if it's a good idea to use it in a pressure situation (you also do a version of this in the warm up if you're smart, just check how they react to that high ball to the backhand! all about being curious y'know). but if you know someone, if this is an established rivalry, if this is someone you've played with since you're kids... well. then it's a different ball game entirely

patrick has the psychological edge in that match-up, right, and the whole point of that final match is that it shouldn't be that close but it's that close due to the mental dynamics between the pair of them. patrick constantly wrong-footing art and frustrating him is the easiest way in the world to visually demonstrate that dynamic. you're constantly trying to guess what your opponent is going to do, you're constantly trying to anticipate, yeah? you know what I said above about how you're 'recovering' to the centre of the theoretical zone and all that? well, sometimes you don't do that - you guess where the opponent is going to go. most often, you've got to do that when you know the opponent has a relatively easy shot and they can hurt you with it, so you have to play the probabilities and hope you get it right... it's basically like a penalty kick in football. it's a quick judgement you're making on the basis of past data, of what you think your opponent is thinking, of how big a risk you want to make - of when to time it, because if you move too early they can still change the trajectory of their shot and go the other way. maybe you even feint one way before darting the other. and your opponent might shoot one way or the other... but, sometimes they'll drop shot you while you're moving in one direction as you frantically try to change course. or, which is even more humiliating, they'll go straight down the middle - since you're no longer standing there

in narrative terms, what does it tell you if a character guesses rightly or wrongly? what would it say if art or patrick had that kind of intimate knowledge of each other - I know you usually do this, but I know you know that so I'm going to go the other way - round and round in circles, a mental contest between people who are so familiar with each other that it can become actively confusing to try and preempt their moves. tennis is a relationship and it's a conversation and the way we construct a point tells us a story about the history between you and me. it tells us a story if art, the six time slam winner and more accomplished player by far, is being read so perfectly by patrick that he's tripping over himself and getting in his own way and flailing. one of the most common commentating cliches is about the ball, or indeed the player, being attached to the end of a string. the extension of that metaphor is that one player is the puppet master and the other player is a puppet. easy visual metaphor bingo

you can literally express how the characters feel about each other by... where they're standing. if you're scared of your opponent's shot, then you're going to try and give yourself more time to react. if you are on the attack, then you need to move in, to take the ball earlier, to take time away from the opponent. to me, if you're showing fictional tennis, you really should be playing with time and how you can use cinematic techniques to play with that sense of time. now, you can do this on the broader level of the match, because your subjective sense of time is dependent on how well you're doing in a match. time never moves faster than when you're losing a six love set. but it's also obviously integral to actual points, because you are usually trying to maximise your own time and minimise your opponent's, trying to make sure you will always have enough time to get to the ball and making sure they won't (obviously often u kinda have to pick one of those because of how time works)

where you stand on the court is an integral part of that, for obvious reasons related to 'basic physics'. and, again, it's also psychological. take the return position, right, aka where you're standing when the opponent is serving. most people have a built-in preference for both the first and second serve, and a kind of basic 'return strategy' of what kind of shot they'd like to use and where to move. generally, you'll stand further back for the first serve because it's more powerful... but hey, maybe you have a slightly unorthodox return strategy where you're just trying to 'block' the first serve and use the weight of the opponent's shot against them, and then you step back for the second serve and have a massive whack at them. just as an example

and, again, this is another way in which you try to fuck with your opponent. there is nothing more annoying than seeing the twat on the other side of the net move in to the court by an insulting amount because they don't respect your shitty second serve and think they can take a swing at it from in front of the baseline. some players just do this in general - prime offenders on the women's side are garcia and ostapenko (and with all love to them, they do this more than is perhaps tactically prudent)

(for the other end of the spectrum, see another place from which you can theoretically return a serve from if you're out of your fucking mind) (this particular player's return strategy has been like a top five discourse point over the last few years but we do not have time to get into all that)

but you can also vary it up in a match, and you probably should if you're being smart. so for instance (and there's a specific match in 2022 I'm thinking of here), if you know your opponent has an awful second serve and a lovely little habit of double faulting when under pressure, maybe as the returner you just... well, look, the ball from the first serve has rolled right to your feet, so obviously you need to politely pass it to the ballperson, and maybe it just takes a little bit longer so that you know the server is looking right at you when you meander in front of the baseline to wait for their second serve. and then they double fault and that's the break of serve right there. you're not always standing that close to return second serves, but you're standing there when you know it'll make them most nervous. again, I am not saying the tennis threesome film needs to explain the difference between jelena ostapenko's and daniil medvedev's return strategies, but these ARE the kinds of things you CAN organically integrate, and give you very blunt and easy to understand messages about the characters and their dynamic

and like... different people have different play styles, yeah? let them express a little character! tashi is relentless, maybe she's constantly attempting to take everything with her forehand to attack and attack, or maybe she trusts herself to attack from any place with any shot. maybe she's so lively and confident and uncompromising that she uses down the line shots more than anyone else, or maybe there's surprising subtlety there in how the intensity and rage fades away for a moment as she flutters a slice across the net. what is it about her game that so captivates the two boys, its aggression or its complexity? is her game already more complete and well-defined and self-aware than it has any right to be from a high school student? or is it raw and untamed and a little wild and so full of potential?

art has a one-handed backhand and uniqlo gear in a very obvious federer allusion, but does he share any more with federer than that? is he particularly prone to rushing the net, especially after the serve? does he want to end points quickly? does he have good hands, is he trying to wrong-foot his opponent - or is he the one constantly getting wrong-footed as the others dance around him? is he constantly trying to assert his dominance, to end points quickly, and initially you think it's a sign of his power and confidence... but then you realise that it's insecurity - he's worried what will happen if they go on too long, if he gives too many chances to other players to outsmart him, if he's uncomfortable playing defence because it makes him feel reactive and weak. maybe in the second set he has to knuckle down and accept the rallies will be long and gruelling - which is a central aspect of tennis, it's about patience and managing risk. maybe he's so tense and nervous that he's just an error machine in the first set, but then he decides to just slow the pace and live with patrick in those forehand to forehand exchanges, let his natural weight of shot do the talking for him and force patrick to change things up

and patrick, with the unorthodox technique and the sleeveless shirts and the money and how he never really grew up - what does that tell us about his tennis? is it rough and energetic, big swings at the ball, layering on more and more spin to propel it high over the net? does he throw a massive forehand at art's backhand, making him hit it at a high point that is naturally uncomfortable for the one handed backhand? wouldn't it be interesting if you had patrick have a strong point to his game that naturally matches up to art's weak point, the chink in the six time grand slam champion's armour? what about the physicality, does he lunge further and harder and throw himself into balls just that little bit more? is he stronger than art, or is he faster, or is he neither? is he driven by instinct and gets in his own way less than art does, or is he tactically more astute and gets the better of art that way?

obviously you can't do all of those things in a film and you shouldn't because it's distracting. but what I'm trying to demonstrate here is that there is a whole range of potential storytelling you can tap into here. now, nobody's actually doing this, and my thing with challengers is that in many ways it came closer to the kind of narratives I would like to see. but then it still falls short just a touch, which is where the frustration comes in

a rivalry has got a history that is woken up again every time you step on court to face your old foe - you remember how they play, you already know what you want to do to beat them this time. you are trying to unsettle them. you know how they want to play and you want to deny them that opportunity. inevitably, any defined play style tells us something about the player and their personality and their approach to the game. the film is quite scarce on details about its lead characters and using the tennis more deftly would've been a great way to give us a stronger sense of who they are in a very economical, concise way. what does it mean for tashi's game that she can no longer run? yes, obviously it means she can't compete any longer, but the injury does different things symbolically depending on how big a part movement was of her game. often, tennis injuries directly affect your strengths. take a player who puts a lot of heavy spin on the ball by snapping their wrist - they are putting more strain on said wrist and may end up injuring it (a particularly terrible part of the body to injure for a tennis player). there's something extra cruel about that because it also affects how they'll recover, if they'll ever be able to trust that body part again. these are career-threatening injuries not just for physical but for psychological reasons. same thing if you're a great server with a shoulder injury... or if you're a great mover with a leg injury

also, and okay this probably did come across as nitpicking and it's not really an issue if it worked for people who aren't familiar with tennis... but omg the last point was so confusing. did check and this wasn't just a me problem, though I'd be curious if it worked for people less familiar with the game. when they came closer and closer to the net and hit back and forth, I thought what was happening was that they'd like, given up competing and were just hitting back and forth as a symbol of defiance or something. that they'd basically decided to stop playing the match and just play with each other. because like, you just can't do that in a match, the point would immediately be over especially if they're just standing there - they're too close! you'd immediately get the ball past! so I only realised when the film was over that it was supposed to be a really intense point... but I think that's the kind of thing where most people watching will probably be fine with it, so again. y'know. whatever. I do think you could have staged that point a little more cleverly to get to the same conclusion in a more natural way, but also. whatever. it's fine

(obviously there are also some other broader suspension of disbelief issues that I'm far less bothered about. the technique was like, not great, but also probably about as good as you'll get from actors, though again I would've liked a little more thought put into what they're doing beyond 'art's got a one handed backhand and patrick's got a quirky serve!' I thought the patrick serve thing was really neat and fun and theoretically you could hit a serve like that, though quite frankly in the men's game you'd probably be fucked because you need more racquet acceleration than that - but that does fit in with his character and the stubbornness and all that so it's fine. the art serve quirk... well, most players deliberately construct serving rituals like bouncing the ball several times or ball placement or whatever because it's the one shot in tennis that's completely 'on your own racquet' but is also really tough, so you're trying to trick your brain into always doing the same thing. I find it a little tough to believe art wouldn't have been aware of what he was doing, but again, not a massive issue. beyond my concerns about the lack of variation in the points they were showing, it did also trip me up whenever they were obviously stranded in no-man's land - you need to be either on/behind the baseline or right at the net and there's certain areas of the court where if you spend too long in them you are very much fucked. the whole concept of 'recovering' after a shot is like, as important part of tennis movement as getting there in the first place, and there's whole footwork patterns you use while you're hitting the shot and immediately afterwards to get yourself in position again. at times they'd just be standing in place in the fuck end of where on earth are you standing until the next shot comes and. listen. it really Does Not Matter beyond how it's fun to be annoying about this stuff but it did make me a bit twitchy)

so. match constructions and narrative arcs. I think if a literal match of tennis is the framing device of your film, you should think about the natural narrative tension that exists within a literal match of tennis. again, a match is a conversation, it has its ebbs and flows and peaks and troughs and all that other stuff. you are more tense at *4-5 30:30 than you are at 1-1* 15:0. you are feeling better about your life choices at 6-4 *5-3 than you are at 7-6(8) 0-6 *1-3. you change over the course of a match, as you test yourself physically and mentally and acquire a situationally specific data bank about yourself and the other player, as you notice and learn certain things about what's going on in your own game and your opponent's game. maybe you have a moment where you go 'yup the backhand's a catastrophe today, time to slice everything and hope for the best' or you go 'lol that's the third consecutive djokosmash they've hit, maybe I'll throw the ball high up again next time they get to the net'

also obviously all these things vary over the course of a match - and they do so more than they have any right to! there's no logical reason why 6-1 1-6 6-1 scorelines should happen, but they do! because game breaks and changeovers and set breaks and all of it can represent massive shifts in momentum. you play a *5-0 game differently than a *0-1 game, and suddenly those beautiful forehands you were ripping for half an hour are all flying out of the stadium and, shit, time to change tactics to defend more except now you're really screwed because you're playing your opponent's game. the most important thing to remember about tennis is that it fucking sucks. matches are psychological torture. I want to feel that part when watching the tennis threesome film

the basic mechanism of narrative tension in a match is the serve vs return dynamic. if you serve, you need to protect your serve, because those are the games you are supposed to be winning. if you return, you need to attack the opponent's serve, because those games represent opportunity. you want your service games to be short and fast and you want your return games to be long and tough and miserable for your opponent. and after every game, it ticks back again - you are literally passing the ball to the other side of the court. your turn, have fun!

there are a million different ways you can construct tension on a micro level within a match. you have breakpoints/matchpoints, obviously, which to some extent the film did feature. you have games that just get stuck on deuce, with neither player able to win the requisite two points in a row to release them, so it's like... basically groundhog day in sports as you keep trotting from one side of the court to the other, both players frustrated, one unable to escape the danger and the other unable to seize the opportunity. battle of the wills. games can completely realistically last more than twenty points. obviously you've got tiebreaks, which again the film did feature (though icl I had no clue what the score was supposed to be, again it doesn't matter but). you have the old cliche of 'it's not a break of serve unless you've backed it up' (aka by holding your own serve) and how common it is to be broken straight back for various nasty psychological reasons

I wish they'd played with this a little more, just showed a little more of why the players were reacting emotionally in the way that they were at certain stages of the match - rather than just basically reacting to the flashback we've just seen. like, there's plenty of reasons why a player might get particularly angry at a certain point of a match in a way that just feels a bit more organic. if tennis is the medium through which to explore this three-way relationship, then showcase that push and pull factor, those changes in momentum. the film suggests patrick has always had the upper hand - I'd make more clear this is the classic 'pigeon' dynamic where basically the head to head between two players is more skewed than it has any right to be given how 'good' those two respective players actually are. usually that means there's something funky going on with the play styles or it's something mental or it's an interaction between the two. patrick really cares about art, right, and then he's always able to beat him because he gets him and knows how to mess with him. art has the more raw ability(?) but it takes a bit longer for him to actually realise how good he is, in part because he always lost to patrick

the way they should've done this imo have a place where art does actually choke a sizeable lead, a kind of unexpected switch of momentum. like have this be the first set where art comes in hot and is y'know the obviously better player and all that, but then patrick just increasingly manages to unsettle him. make it a proper bad one, say *5-2 to 5-7. throw in a long deuce game. and then art is confronted with all his old demons again, his inadequacy, all that stuff. and then you've got the momentum switch after the set break when art manages to pull himself together. the thing is, they do actually show a fair bit of the match, but it's not always that interesting because it lacks a little bit of specificity, a little bit of detail... just make a few adjustments that accentuate the central dynamic. you don't have to go with this exactly but go with SOMETHING, 6-2 2-6 is such a nothingburger score lol like what does that tell us... 7-5 1-6 is what it's all about

(dumb nitpick corner: unlikely a time violation would get called between first and second serves, and if you do so then you'd better hand out a time violation if the receiver starts faffing about between points right after, rather than quietly talking to them off-mic. but hey, the establishment is corrupt, they obviously wanted art to win. also, there's a mistake on the scoreboard at the *5-6 game where they accidentally make it look like art is serving for the match at that stage, which would completely change the dynamic of that game and the previous game and the implications if art had let it go to a tiebreak - aka he would have choked. just slightly confused me when the umpire called out 'thirty love' after patrick won the point lol)

so maybe this all does come across like I hate the film, which I really did not. I enjoyed it a lot, and honestly it's not like there's much to choose from in terms of 'sports media that seriously engages with the narrative potential of the actual sport'. there were plenty of storytelling details I really vibed with, especially the dynamic between the central three characters and the push and pull between them and how they work as a trio. all three sides of the triangle were good fun. the way the two blokes were so in sync at times, that kind of easy intimacy and familiarity - again, I think you could have expressed that more through actual tennis but that did absolutely work for me

the actual 'playing a challenger before uso' thing was also fun, though I was wondering what his ranking was like because it must have still been kinda in the pits. like, you can't show up to a challenger as a top ten player. not that it actually matters matters but just. whatever. I do think the premise is neat

(though, that challenger audience was not keyed in enough! like omg if you're showing up to some random challenger to watch a top player on the injury comeback try to rack up some wins and the final is against the guy he played doubles with to win a junior slam, everyone watching would be SO aware of it. those spectators aren't just randomly being drawn into the drama, they know what's up!! you just know the challengers tv stream is racking up crazy figures. idk this is obviously more of a subtle thing, but I feel like it was supposed to give off the vibe of the non-tashi viewers being surprised by why they were being such weirdos all of a sudden but nah they would be ON IT with their patrick zweig backstory. including the fact he used to date tashi lol, like yeah they'd Get It)

I loved a lot of tashi's characterisation, how fucking obsessed she was with tennis and how everything was About Tennis for her... like yeah very real!! of course it eats her up!! I had a bit of a debate about this but I personally really liked the college tennis thing because it felt like a complete curve ball given her characterisation. it's good though, this idea that she wants to fool herself into believing she's more than hitting a ball but she's actually not... because of course she isn't.... none of these people are.... I like that element of self-delusion, even though it still... hm, I'm not entirely sure the film COMPLETELY sold me on that level of self-delusion because it was so obvious she didn't care about anything except for tennis... like it never quite felt entirely clear what she thought she was getting from that experience. but yeah, the central premise of it all... like the fact she just can't say goodbye to that world, that she can't really escape it, that she has to pursue something related to it to feel alive, even by proxy, the suspicion that all she needs art for is to have that kind of second hand thrill... really good!!

I was talking about this with the unfortunate recipient of my voice notes, and she's more familiar than I am with american college tennis than I am for the fairly obvious reason that only one of us has attended an american college. she said she'd discussed this with some of her friends and that that kind of injury did feel a touch unrealistic in the context of college tennis, partly because you're less likely to be playing with the kind of schedule that professional tennis requires of you. now, this doesn't really bother me, but I almost wish they'd leaned into the tragedy of it more - that it was unlikely and she didn't even get it while playing professional tennis! she was engaging in this grand act of self-delusion that there was more to her than tennis, which, let's face it, just really isn't a thing when you're a very good junior player, and she got injured before she ever even got close to 'making it'. it's tragic because it should never have happened. whatever injury art picked up (can't remember if they mentioned) would be statistically more likely to actually fuck you over, given their respective ages and time on tour and all that. you don't typically randomly get career ending injuries when you're running for a ball, not if you've trained properly - both in the sense that you're moving 'correctly' on the court and you've developed the muscles to protect yourself (which admittedly she was looking a touch light on). perfectly fine as a narrative choice, lean into it more

the churro college conversation between patrick and art was good, but that's another thing I would've integrated more into the tennis. like, the thing about him actually going for what he wanted and all that? you can do that through tennis! I also kinda wanted more of a sense of what tashi brought to the coaching dynamic, just something very simple and straightforward even the non-tennis viewing audience can understand. again, you've got this fairly obvious federer expy set up going on with art, and the glimpses we got of his game ... I mean mainly the one handed backhand, it does lean towards him being a player that's naturally oriented towards aggression. I would've maybe gone for the whole.... y'know. him not really being able to embrace that, him always holding himself back a little bit, not willing to fully give himself over and throw himself into the game. that tashi kinda has to get him to go for it, to go after the ball, to step into the court and use that technically excellent flat forehand stroke and trust himself to find those angles and rush the net and play the game, rather than letting the game play him. linking that into his loss of motivation post injury, where he feels like he's achieved what he wants to, where maybe he kinda retreats into himself. which is partly a motivation issue but also about trusting yourself post injury... not really being able to go after it in the same way any more, struggling to commit to that kind of aggressive mindset when your heart just isn't it any more. or something! just a thought!!

that's the thing right - sure, tennis might be a relationship, but the tennis will always be a character in its own right in whatever twisted threesome thing they've got going on. at the end of the day, the real toxic relationship is with the tennis! it's sad tashi can't leave it behind, it's tragic she's organising her whole life around something that'll always be lost to her. but it won't ever let her go, even though it hurt her, even though it caused her physical pain as well as emotional. it's the truest love in the whole film, tashi and the game itself, and all other love is subservient to that. it's also the most interesting relationship that needed to be... well, a little more foregrounded. she's always chasing that high, that moment of perfect communication and understanding and all that - and it's an entire lifetime of work, chasing the briefest of moments and now even that is gone. something she won't ever be able to recapture. she can't live her dream and she can't move on, so she is forever trapped, in stasis, frustrated and tormented by desires she can't act upon, the worst kind of repression imaginable. and it's not just about playing tennis in general - it's about playing matches. the height of competition, the moment in the point and in the match in which losing or winning feels like an equal possibility, where anything could happen but only one player will eventually emerge victorious... she's chasing the high of uncertainty, of suspense - the equivalent to showing up to the bedroom of two blokes and knowing anything could happen, not knowing yet what choice she will make, who will win, who will lose. if you really want to get abstract about this, she's essentially functioning as, y'know, the tennis gods with these two boys, where she is the one to make the choice of who wins and who loses. she is the one creating the uncertainty, the suspense. and she's doing it all for the love of the game, because that's all she ever truly loved

or that's what I think they should've gone for idk. I also have a few kinda dumb thoughts like 'ugh I needed more of a sense of what patrick's career looked like, are we talking never made it to the main draw of a 250 or slam quarterfinalist because both are plausible'. but anyway I think narratives in sports are neat and I wish more people did stuff like challengers did, even if I think I was just looking for something a little different from what that film was doing. you do kinda need somebody who's really into sports to do some of this stuff I feel, but. well. sports rivalries really is a bit of a tragically under-explored storytelling set up. they're good narratives. somebody write them

#basically i really enjoyed the film and i also would've really enjoyed editing it #sometimes you just dream of being the dick in the room going. okay does anyone know how good his fh dropper is #reminds me that one of my favourite games I sometimes play with voice note girl is transposing different athletes to different sports #like what their styles would be like if they did a different sport #because it kinda makes u think about what certain aspects of someone's approach says about them and what the equivalent is #anyway. I don't think you should be so beholden to reality that fact checking gets in the way of the narrative you're creating #BUT at times I feel like the actual 'reality' and the intricacies and the fine details can strengthen the narrative. like here!#//#also btw if anyone DOES read this and anything is unclear please do feel free to ask (obviously this goes for anything I post lol)#batsplat responds

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anhed-nia · 1 month ago

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BLOGTOBER 10/7/2024: TAROT (2024)

What would you guys call this subgenre? Where teenagers perform a youth ritual (fortune-telling, game-playing, Bloody Mary type rites, etc) and it systematically kills them in some ironic way? WISH UPON is a decent example, as I recall, and last year I puzzled over THE FRIENDSHIP GAME which I still do not understand a thing about and I double dog dare you to convincingly explain it to me. I found TAROT only moderately more explainable; I recognized the main elements and I understood what the message was supposed to be, but past that point I really could not wrap my head around this.

Haley (Harriet Slater) and her friends rent out a rural mansion to party in, and when they run out of booze they smash in a locked door (very strange behavior when you see how goofy and childlike they all are) only to find a mysterious tarot deck. Haley then reads everyone's...horoscopes. Some combination of the card representing the querent and the given astrological advice fuses into a supernatural event that kills that person; the deaths are enacted by freaky ghouls that resemble the cards, but sometimes they're peculiarly mundane. I mean, look, if you solve the lament configuration, groovy demons come and rip you apart with magic hooks and chains from Hell and they reconfigure your whole being. That tracks. In TAROT, on the other hand, one girl draws the High Priestess card and is told "You're a Libra and you want to climb the ladder of success" or something, and then a creature that looks like the High Priestess comes and just beats her to death with a ladder! I laughed and laughed.

I found some things about his movie funny-dumb, and other things confusing-dumb. I know about more woo-woo nonsense than I would prefer to admit here, and there are all sorts of things you can do with tarot decks, I'm sure there is an astrology-related technique--but in the movie this is just unnecessarily confusing. I don't know why it wasn't good enough to just base deaths on tarot cards...especially since a bunch of the astrological stereotypes are wrong here. Maybe I'm projecting but in my experience, everybody knows what their sign is and what the cliches are about it, even if they think astrology is total bullshit; not only are horoscopes popular enough to be in newspapers, but most people find it flattering and interesting to be assigned a personalized category, whether it's your personality test thingy or what animal goes with the year you were born in the Chinese system. So when I'm watching this tarot card movie that for some reason centers astrology, it's very distracting when they say "You're a Taurus, so you make rash decisions" when Tauruses are always called stubborn and lazy, and "Capricorns are rule-breakers" when Capricorns are always told that they're responsible to the point of being boring. Just look up some astro bullshit online if this is the story you're doing, if you don't have a flaky friend who always wants to tell you this shit, it's not hard!

But please don't think this is my biggest problem, that TAROT is not realistic about the pseudosciences. A lot of stuff about this movie made no sense to me, including just the casual banter. The comic relief character Paxton (Jacob Batalon) gets his cards read and asks if he'll marry someone hot or become rich, and his friend says, "She's not genie!", and I'm like...do kids not know what a genie does anymore? Or, we are constantly reminded that Paxton is into true crime--which doesn't affect anything at all, really--and when the gang decides to return to the mansion to look for clues, he goes, "This is True Crime 101, never go back to where it all began!" And I'm wondering...what does that mean? I mean, if you're researching a crime then you might go to the relevant sites, like a home town or a murder scene, but does this guy think that...I mean, what bad thing does he think happens, if you go back to where it all began? What the fuck is he talking about?

Even though I have a lot of questions about why TAROT has to be the way it is, it does have a point: the old "no fate but what we make" bit. Haley was convinced of the veracity of tarot cards when they predicted that her mother would die, and it turns out the cards have inspired some pretty bad decisions since then. But it's sort of weird to conclude that people should create their own futures when the movie's events are entirely motivated by someone making accurate predictions, and magic being real: Eventually the gang learns that the deck was cursed (apparently it killed a bunch of people at Woodstock, which I thought was funny) by the spirit of an angry astrologer with magic powers who was blamed when her grim prophecies came true. I'm just going to spoil the ending because I found it pretty hilarious: To get rid of the spirit, Haley has to read its horoscope. So you get this weird battle where the spirit is flailing around and freaking out while Haley reads its cards and gives it all this new age pop psychology advice about healing and shit. I love the idea that the same exact type of spiritual advice you would get out of your flakiest friend, who begged you to let them read your chart or your cards (or both!), is actually a legitimately powerful weapon against the forces of darkness. I was cracking up. Somebody tell these filmmakers to do crystals next!

#tarot #2024 #horror #supernatural #spenser cohen #anna halberg #harriet slater #jacob batalon #occult

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jamcannibal · 8 months ago

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analyzing/screaming about 101 chapter 79

fic: 101 reasons to live (and keep living after that)

by @cyrenescreams on ao3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41426469

So I was in a silly goofy mood one day and decided to just go trhough every paragraph and write soemthing about it. (It was supposed to be like an analysis but I don't think it turned out to be an analysis)

here you ahve the ctrl + c, ctrl + v of my google docs

I'm bored and slightly delirious from pain so it's time to reread the chapter and overanalyze it

(one part of this was written while experiencing atrocious period pain and the rest was written while absolutely getting fucked over by seasonal allergies)

Charlie feels like shit. More like shit than he has in weeks. He sort of hopes it’s the weather but he’s also aware that it probably isn’t.

Is this because you got to feel joy for the first time in years and now you lost it? Is this because you feel like you're bcak to square one. Like you thought you were finally getting ebtter, but then you feel like you have felt the past few years again?

The weather here (for me) has actually been getting a lot better, so seasonal depression is slowly ending for everyone, so Charlie hoping it was the weather is almost ironic.

Bad is always talking about how healing is non-linear and comes in dips and raises. But Charlie still feels a bit disappointed that his joy didn’t last. He just wants to feel normal.

Because you hear that shit all the time in therapy, but it's something different to hear it than to live through it. Also reminds me of Fundy's mom, her relapse and her getting better again.

The yearning to be normal. I don't think he ever tlaked about wanting to be normal. I think he always talked about being too tired, or having to pretend/act. But never wishing he was normal. So that's... soemthing. I might actually have to go over Charlie chapters to figure out if I'm just saying bullshit or not.

He isn’t really sure what normal is, maybe some sort of joy or contentment he felt as a kid. But now he isn’t sure he would know joy if it beat him bloody in a parking lot.

AAAahahahrhahsahaha. This!!

Earlier I wanted to say he wants to be normal because he finally got a taste of it, he was pretty happy for a while and now he needs more. But no, that's not what normal is, he does not know what nromal is but he still wants it!!! That's crazy man (im internally crying). He doesn't know it! He does not know what norml is! He wants soemthign and he does not even know what it is! (It's an analogy for capitalism. /ref - I'm so sorry I've been hyperfixating on spiderverse again)

Also him using such a brutal analogy is a bit concerning. Like, 'are you okay Charlie? Why would you say that??? Do you *want to* get beaten up? To feel pain instead of emotions?' (Imagine me asking him that while shaking him vigorously by the shoulders)

And looking around the circle of folding chairs and gloomy faces, Charlie probably isn’t the only one feeling like garbage.

yep, I'm still waiting for the it gets better part, anyways, next paragraph

Bad is eyeing them all up too, like he is waiting to see which one of them will break first. With the anxious way Fundy is picking at his fingers it will probably be him.

Break first. The was Charlie says it is brutal. Bad is just there waiting for one of them to speak up, waiting for them to begin because they've been pretty good at this therapy thing lately. And then Charlie comes in and thinks "ah yes, he's waiting for us to BREAK'. No Charlie, he qwants to fix you. He wants to see you be better. He probably cares more than your parents, which is sad.

And again, Charlie analyzing. He analyzes everyone and everything.

Or maybe Charlie should cut in, it is his self imposed job to do what he can to help others, through laughing at him, or joining in, or some other strange tactic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That’s it, that’s all I have to say about this one.

Nah, actually. CHARLIE! Charlie, you can chill. You can stop pretending. You can just be you and only you. People who matter will love you either way. You don’t have to always pretend or help. You can be yourself and get helped.

Charlie thinks back to last week, he thinks about how nice it felt to just relax and let himself exist, especially just existing quietly with no expectations.

Charlie wants to jump in puddles again so bad. He wants to be like Peppa pig so bad.

Also autism experience, I know what you are Charlie. I know…

“Okay!” Foolish is, surprisingly, the one who breaks first. Words bursting out of him like an explosion. “What is up with all of us? Why do we all look so shitty this week?”

How’d Charlie react to his analysis being incorrect? What’d he do when he couldn’t predict the situation??

That aside, Fundy speaking up makes sense in a way. I think he likes protecting people and this is kind of like protection, getting them to talk about shit.

“Language.” Bad says. “Though I’m glad you’ve taken charge of your conversation Foolish. Group really is all bout you all connecting with one another and feeling seen. So I think I’ll take a step back this week and see what you all can do.”

Bad when he can actually do his job instead of trying to get a group of teenagers to at least TRY talking about their feelings: :D

He’s trusting them to do therapy since they’ve been doing so well <3.

“No activity then?” Quackity asks with a foolish, no pun intended, hope in his voice.

Is there really no pun intended, author? Are you sure you did not intend that pun?

Quackity wants to ignore therapy so bad, he wants it to not exist, like it’s the worst thing ever. It’s funny he’s more hopeful about them not doing an activity than he is about his love life-

“I didn’t say that.” Bad says, “but maybe we can count this as this week’s activity so you guys can get out earlier.”

He’s really trying to make this work. He wants to do his job so bad.

I bet Bad loves his job.

“Why are you so upset then Foolish.” Fundy challenges.

Sure Fundy, get defensive. Is that the only way you know how to react? Do you feel attacked by Foolish for starting the conversation? Do you feel betrayed that he started it instead of letting abd do it? Don you wish you didn’t have to sit there that bad that you’re gonna lash out onto your friend? Sure, go ahead…

“Are we being honest?” Foolish counters.

I LOVE WHEN THEY DO THERAPY RIGTH. They’re so <3<3333

“Fuck it why not. We already know way too much about one another.” Quackity grumbles.

Quackity is so real for this tbh. But also him being the one to agree to be honest is so new and surprising and he’s healing and I’m so happy for him.

“You know,” Sam starts, “you can really see our growth considering Quackity didn’t add on that we know too much considering we aren’t friends.”

COME ON SAM, DONT RUIN THE MOMENT. /lh

But he is right

“Even he can’t deny it anymore.” Charlie says with a grin. Joining in on the conversation with the others doesn’t feel as hard as conversation sometimes does. It feels easy to talk with them.

AAAAAAAAA, is he not masking around them??? Is he actually being himself? Is he comfortable enough around them to do that? That’s soooo… aaaaa.

“Anyways!” Quackity interrupts loudly.

Is Quackity uncomfortable with having friends? Aw, come on, it’s fine, you can have friends and care about them, it’s not a bad thing.

“I feel selfish for not writing my mom back.” Foolish says bluntly, completely abandoning their usual format. “I know so many kids like me, and even me, myself, wished for this type of shit and suddenly I don’t want it and I feel terrible.”

Alright, we’re jumping straight into it. Like jumping into a freezing river or ripping off a bandaid.

I guess it kind of is like ripping off a bandaid (plaster??, bro iunno which terms are american english and which ones are UK english). Let me think of a poetic metaphor. A bandaid covers an injury, it protects it from infections, but if you leave it on for way too long it can give you blood poisoning. It’s like hiding your problems, it can help for a little while the injury closes up. But you have to talk about them or a small cut will become blood poisoning.

“You aren’t selfish. You aren’t selfish and you don’t owe her or anyone else anything.” Sam says firmly.

Yes! He’s so right!!

(Supportive boyfriend but also, just like a good friend. Your partner being your best friend>>)

“I just want to be happy now.” Foolish sighs. “On a lighter note I’m definitely going to be on varsity next year so that is fun.”

I think all of them just want to be happy. Or healthy. Or normal. Whatever label they put on it they just want to be able to live without the baggage.

“Weren’t you on varsity this year?” Charlie asks because his understanding of Football ends at touchdowns and field goals.

Same Charlie. But I also know a quarterback is important, who knows why it is, but it’s important.

“I was, but still, it’s nice to know for sure.” Foolish shrugs. “Alright, your turn Fundy.”

Is this revenge for him making you go first? Is Foolish this petty?

“I saw my mom again today and she asked if I wanted to go back to splitting my time. I think I do but I don’t want something bad to happen again.” Fundy said referencing whatever, secret, vague, bad thing lead to his conflict with his mom.

I really hope she asked in a nonforcefull way. In a way rthat Fundy didn’t feel pressured, in a way that made it clear it’s his decision and she will still be his mom and still try her best no matter which decision he makes.

I hope it goes better this time. I hope she won’t relapse again, for both hers and Fundy’s sake.

“Once burned twice shy.” Quackity says. The quieter and more genuine, “I think you should try and let her in again. You’re going to regret not doing it if you don’t.”

I’m just so AAA… Quackity is acting different! He’s being honest, he’d admitting they are hsi friends, he gives helpful advice instead of being snarky.

And I’m so happy, but mildly worried. I really hope this change isn’t a hint on a big issue happening with Quackity at the moment.

“You know about this?” Fundy asks, suspicious.

Fundyyy, it’s Quackity’s job to be distrusful and snarky and passive aggressive. Go back to liking foxes, minecraft and the color orange.

Don’t become like early 101 reasons Quackity, it’s not healthy.

“My mom has always been…” Quackity waves his hand around to indicate at everything. “I don’t know. Far away, not there. I doubt if she hadn’t found me mid death-failure she never would have been able to tell you my middle name.”

Bone chilling honesty. I know Quackity has been honest before, but I feel like this is different, because the other things have always been things that have happened to him around the time he was talking about them.

But he’s like… going for it. Talking about hsi childhood in a way.

“Oh.” Fundy says taking in this new information.

IT IS NEW INFORMATION TO THEM. Because Quackity doesn’t talk about this shit and he should or his blood’s gonna rot. He can take the bandaid off slowly, he doesn’t have to rip it off. He can do it slowly, he cna be careful about it to not cause any damage, any pain. Because I know he’s terrified of taking that bandage off.

Metaphors aside, I think Quackity in this work is definitely the kind of person who REFUSES to rip off a bandaid because it hurts too much.

“See I have problems that aren’t guys.” Quackity grins, stealing Charlie’s job at lighting the mood.

Charlie! It’s not your job to do anything! You don’t have to do that! Of course everyone appreciates it, btu you don’t have to.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE COMEDIC RELIEF ALL THE TIME

“Tell us something good Fundy, please.” Sam cuts in.

Is Sam worried? Is Sam hoping that at least something good happened to Fundy??

Charlie thinks they definitely need it, especially if the frantic sound of Bad scribbling notes on his clipboard are any indication.

Bad is so happy to be able to do his job for once, isn’t he? He’s practically beaming while writing his notes, isn’t he????

But Charlie’s right, they need it.

Your therapist writing stuff you say down is not a sign that those things are normal and you are okay and nothing wrong ever happened in your life.

“I’m passing with all As this quarter.” Fundy says. “Which is shocking, considering literally everything.”

WOOOOO, good job Fundy!!

“That is crazy.” Charlie says. “I’m definitely not. I’m also feeling sad and tired and so fucking unmotivated. And it sucks because I was feeling better, I was doing better. I want to do better.”Refer to what I said at the beginning.

He wants to be happy. He got a taste of it and now he’s hungry, even if he didn’t realize it before. He’s hungry for happiness.

“Wanting is the important part, isn’t it?” Fundy says. “My mom really wants to get better and that’s why I trust her.”

Again, refer to what I said earlier.

(The process of healing isn’t linear and it applies for both Charlie and Fundy’s mom.)

“I guess. I’ve never really thought of it like that though. I always needed something more quantifiable.” Charlie shrugs.

Me! Autism, that’s autism. I’m saying it’s autism so it is autism.

“What if They never tell you they want to get better? What if they just do and they never apologize.” Quackity says suddenly.

NOOOOO. That’s so sad. So fucking sad. Schlatt. I just… aght, I hope Quackity can get closure. I hope they get to talk about what happened and even if Quackity won't forgive, he will be better if they have a talk. I trust it

I know it.

“Did Sapnap or Karl do something? Or your mom?” Sam asks, seemingly, worried.

Hah. Imagine not knowing about Schlatt, couldn’t relate.

But what did Charlie think? Did he analyze what Quackity had said, did he connect the dots or did he not dwell on the sentence, letting it slip his mind?

“No. Well yes, they are still being weird and they keep brushing me off when I bring it up.”

Imagine talking about your therapist’s son in therapy, that's gotta be awkward…

Quackity doesn’t say that being brushed off is making him worry but Charlie can see it on his face.

HAHAHHA, Charlie, stop for a minute and analyze yourself, would ya? It’ll help you, it’s called introspection. I learned all about it in my psychology class.

“It’s someone else. I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ve been avoiding them for months and I don’t really plan on stopping.” Quackity says trying to remove their focus. “Anyways my good thing is that I plan on rewatching into the spider-verse tonight, so that is fun.”

Charlie, for the love of god pick up on this. You know Quackity and Schaltt you can, I don't know, arrange for them to talk? But I also don’t want to pressure Chalrie intot his?? But I feel like that’s something he would be willing to do.

SPIDER-VERSE! My favorite franchise! I’m so normal about the animation and characters/character design!

“Oh!” Charlie jumps in. “My good thing is that my dad is on a work trip so that house has been really quiet because my mom is just avoiding me.”“How is it still sad?” Quackity asks.

Exactly as Quackity says, he is very correct here. Couldn’t've said it better.

“I’m not still pressuring you on all of what you said.” Charlie points out.

Hahahaha, he did notice. He deffo noticed, but i don’t think he’s gonna scheme, or is he??

“Point taken. I will shut up.” Quackity says, unwilling to continue to tempt fate.

Take that, bitch! /pos

Imagine ebing scared of being vulnerable, what a loser.

“Quackity, shutting up? That is definitely a first.” Fundy says with a grin.Fundy, stop taking Quackity’s job. Firstly, that’s Quackity’s job, secondly you don’t want to be like Quackity.

“I’m going to fuck your dad.”That’s a bit gay, isn’t it Quackity? DO you have something to share perhaps?

“Good luck finding him.” Fundy says sweetly.HHAHAHAHA, I love jokes like this honestly. Ok, Fundy, you can be snappy, it’s fun.

Something about Fundy’s blunt but happy tone shocks them all into laughing.Friends!!!! They’re experiencing the true meaning of friendship: laughing at each other’s trauma jokes instead of being concerned.

Bad scribbles a bit more frantically, which while fair, seems a bit harsh. They had definitely made these jokes before anyways.Bad’s killing the mood, shaking my head. Shaking my head. And shaking my head one last time. They did make these kinds of jokes before, but this is different, because it’s honest.

“Alright! Last one in our honesty hair braiding friendship circle.” Quackity says. “Sam.”Quackity would love hair braiding circle, he would fucking love it! /lh

No, but like, him being like this is just. Like it was concerning before, but now it’s fully just a facade and it’s kind of funny. but still sad, like why do you put on that facade? Are you still scared of getting hurt? Do you think that once this gorup therapy thing ends you won’t speak to these people again, are you afraid you will lose them when you don’ have anything in common anymore?

“You and Sam are the only ones with hair long enough to braid.” Charlie points out.You can braid any length of hair if you put oyur mind to it, Charlie, you just have to try really hard.

“It’s a metaphor.” Quackity explains.Ah yes, of course, so smart, so innovative to use a metaphor. Nerd.

“Not a simile?” Fundy tilts his head.NERD!

“I didn’t use like or as.”I think we both know what I have to say about that… nerd.

(all nerd is slash pos)

“Gay people love English class.” Charlie nods.You would know, wouldn’t you Chalrie?

(I actually don’t like english class, the teacher is a bitch, but my friends who haev a different (very gay) teacher love it)

“As the straightest one here, that’s almost homophobic Charlie.” Foolish jokes.The fact you’re right doesn’t mean you have to say it outloud, some thoughts are ebay to keep to yourself.

“What a low bar.” Fundy grins.He’s so right.

“Sam?” Foolish asks, moving all of their attention to the topic at hand.Ew, people in relationships worrying about their partners, I hate that. /j

Charlie is a little surprised at how worried Foolish sounds. Foolish would be the one Charlie thought would know what is up with Sam.Well, jokes on you Charlie, your deduction skills failed you, Sam doesn’t talk to fucking anyone because he is a loser- (I need to stop claling them losers and nerds)

Sam taps a rhythm on his leg. “Sorry, I was thinking.”Oh no, don’t do that! That’s dangerous! You might hurt yourself. Stimming, stimming, stimming… why are you nervous Sam? (I know why, seeing that I am a god and reading ahead.)

“About?” Charlie prompts.I’m starting to think Charlie should go into psychology, he could make a good therapist.

“Nothing important.” Sam dismisses.No one is gonna believe that. I wonder why he feels the need to say that knowing he will explain it and the others will see that it is indeed important. Why did you feel the need to make it out to be nothing Sam? Why is that?

I genuinely am not sure. He’s not one of my favs so it sucks for him but I have not overnalyzed him enough to deduce this. (Yes I am biased, at least I admit it.)

“We’re being honest.” Quackity points out.Heheh, it would be kind of funny if Sam was the only one not being honest.

Also Quackity being the one to point that out is so ironic and shows his character growth.

“I’m trying to figure out how to word this without sounding like a total hypocrite.” Sam admits.ME. No, but sometimes you say something that just comes out absolutely wrong and like there are things you don’t want to come out like that and you have to think about it.

“Maybe you’re being a hypocrite, then?” Foolish suggests. “I’d also love to know.”hahah. I feel like that's a terrible thing to say, but given the nature of their relationship it probably is the right thing to say.

Sam looks a bit ashamed at that, and apparently that is all it takes for him to crack. “Well, there been a girl at my father’s place. A woman, I guess. And she cornered me last Thursday to tell me she’s pregnant. So… there’s that.”ME, that happened to me. Well not exactly, but the sentiment is there. AHHAHA.

He’s like “yeah it’s not big deal, just something that happened, not really important, but it has to do”

Sam needs to stop keeping things to himself. He keeps things to himself to protect others while Quacktiy keeps things to himself to protect himself from others.

“Your absent father?” Fundy asks.Ah, he still has not told the group about the split custody, did he? Fun.

“Asked the pot to the kettle” Charlie says, attempting to lighten the mood.YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE COMIC RELIEF! You can be a person, you won’t be any less valuable to your friends if you don’t try to make everything better all the time, you can just take a moment, Charlie, please, know you’re loved for you and not for being a comic relief.

“Yeah so now I’m worried for this kid who I absolutely do not want to know, because I know what’s going to happen and that’s shitty and I won’t do anything to stop it because I’m selfish and I want nothing to do with the kid.” Sam complains.Yeah, I get that. I’m not gonna try to not be too personal, but I have not met my half sibling but I want to, but ti’s really hard. I get Sam’s sentiment tho, like if my situation was even slightly different I would probably share that sentiment.

“You do sound like a hypocrite.” Foolish says, with feeling.I honestly don’t get what about that sounds hypocritical. I think Sam’s being reasonable.

But that’s maybe bcs I’m very biased when it comes to this situation.

“Ugh.” Sam says with equal feeling.Ught, stop being in love or something, I don’t want to catch gay. /j

No, I honestly don’t get why that’s wrong?

“What if he stays?” Quackity asks.Very important question, but I don’t think Quackity gets it.

Like I would explain it to him probably like: “Imagine your mom started being present, like a real person. Would you believe that it would stay that way? Like no matter how long it stays that way you would still think she’s gonna go back to being her dissociated self any day.”

“What if the sky turns green? It’s not like I’ll be able to see it either way.” Sam shrugs. “I won’t believe it.”Metaphors. Gay people and English smh.

“Now that is a good metaphor for someone colorblind.” Fundy says.He’s a bit quirky. I mean, he’s probably red-green colorblind so technically the sky would go from being the only nice color to being the same boring yellowish gray as everything else.

“Whatever.” Quackity rolls his eyes.Is that ableism towards colorblind people? YOu’re on thin ice, Quackity. /j

“Oh and as for good stuff my week has gone by pretty fast which is nice because I’m fucking tired and want to sleep in so bad.” Sam says.I think that’s a sign of depression… maybe you shouldn’t have a sign of depression as a good thing that happened to you that week, jsut saying.

Bad scribes for another minute before stopping. “I think today was very productive all around.” He says looking up at them.Bad’s noticed too! Of course he did, he’s a therapist smh.

“I think I want to eat my feelings in the form of some absolutely soggy and mediocre diner French fries.” Fundy says.Me too, Fundy, me too. Unfortunately we don’t have diners here and I think American food would actually kill me.

“Well you guys are free to go and do that. I have some notes to look over.” Bad smiles.NERD

“I’m sure you do.” Quackity huffs, standing up.How the tables have turned. He was a nerd before in the chapter and now he’s a bully.

Sam and Foolish hover behind a bit so Charlie rushes ahead towards Fundy and Quackity to give them some privacy. They all have each other but Charlie thinks maybe they need one another more right now.Charlie <3 I love him so much, my little analyzer. No, he would be a good therapist, he can read people well and that’s a good quality in a therapist.

~~~

Do I want to do the end part of the chapter or would I rather go to sleep?

I would rather finish this apparently.

Charlie feels drained as he watches the others eat and converse. It’s not like he has done all that much today, just zoned out in class and forced himself to laugh with his friends.Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely not like masking every day and like forcing yourself would drain your energy.

Fun fact autistic people need more sugar to function. Because brain. Like you use more brain so you need more brain food and sugar is brain food, feed your brain kids.

But for some reason after group he is just drained, maybe it’s the honesty, sucking away at his life force and proving that he should just lie more.Maybe it’s the fact you feel like you can’t be yourself around anyone and you put on a facade of being an outgoing cheery lil guy.

And when you lie it’s easier to put on a facade than when you’re being vulnerable. It’s harder to pretend you’re cheery when you have to talk about why you’re not okay.

Or just like depression in general, that makes you tired too.

You can pick.

The weight in his chest is gone though, and it has been gone since he started trying to open up so maybe he shouldn’t stop.Heheh, is that unmasking? Is that getting rid of some of that burden? Getting some of that weight off of your chest?

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Forgot you say that in english for a second. Oops.

Yeah, imagine getting the weight off of your chest makes the weight in your chest be smaller. Imagine.

“I’m just saying, we’re seniors next year then we go to college so maybe it’s better for me to cut my losses. Besides long distance never works.” Quackity says, in response to Fundy’s encouragement that he should just try communicating for once.Loser, biggest loser to exist.

But no, I get it. It feels pointless to try when you think you know it will end soon no matter if it succeeds or not.

But that doesn’t mean he should give up.

“Hey!” Ponk interrupts frowning. “Long distance can work.”She’s protecting their relationship, it’s like what Quackity said brings up some insecurities, isn’t it?

“Four hours isn’t even that long I’d a distance it’s fine.” Sam says, trying to calm Ponk down.

Boyfriend behavior.

“Technically two, if me and Sam just both go to you.” Foolish adds.No, but their relationship is so healthy and it’s amazing to see.

“Maybe you won’t even be that long distance.” Fundy points out. “I mean, have you even started thinking about college.”Voice of reason, Fundy, is here. Everyone clap.

“Yes.” Quackity says, certainly.

Nerd.

“I haven’t.” Fundy, shrugs.Loser.

I said it before, but this is surprising to me. Like in retrospect it makes sense, but I fully expected Quackit not to think about that yet and Fundy to have already picked it out.

Like me seeing Quackity vs Fundy I was like, yes, Fundy the naturally smart guy will apply to colleges early and everything. But Quackity is the one who is an actual nerd he is the one who tries ins school and he is fucking smart. He might not be “naturally” smart like Fundy, but he is very smart. The “naturally” smart is something I reflect from my own life. I mean it as: being told you’re really smart and math coming easy to you without studying etc.

“Better to do that sooner rather than later.” Charlie says thinking about his own rush to write essays and find scholarships. His bad grades hadn’t left him with many options but plenty of small schools had at least looked at his applications.Aw. No but that’s a bit sad. I hope he gets a scholarship, american colleges/universities fucking suck, I can’t imagine getting into debt to get education.

But I guess it’s good he’s thinking about it so early.

Thankfully though one far enough away with a good enough reputation had accepted him. Not that his parents were happy about, Charlie doubts they would have been happy with anything short of an Ivy League school.Something something, they deffo want him to either be a doctor or a lawyer.

He should move across the world to a different country for university: less debt, more distance from family.

“Can we not talk about college.” Foolish begs. “I don’t want to think about all the debt I’m getting myself into.”Something something America, punchline. It’s too easy.

Like I am getting my university education basically for free. And not because of scholarships but because my country isn’t stupid.

“You have a perfectly mediocre football scholarship to give yourself concussions at that school.” Ponk grins.Americans and sports smh. (Sorry for hating on the US so much, I feel very sick and can’t physically restrain myself.)

Little bullying your partner never hurt anybody <3.

“We can’t all be nerds Ponk.” Sam says, but his tone makes Quackity pretend to gag.Me too, Quackity, me too. (I fr go “ew gay” every time my friends in relationships act romantic. I don't rlly know any straight couples tbh)

In response Sam kicks Quackity under the table, only to mistake Fundy’s legs for Quackity’s and end up kicking him. “Sorry Fundy.”HAH. That’s what you get for trying to be violent. Sam is very protective of the people he loves, it’s adorable. Unless is at the expense of himself.

“The other day you told me in vivid detail about sorting algorithms.” Ponk says. “Don’t start.”Hahaha, they are ALL nerds. Also that’s so autistic.

“Oh speaking of not starting.” Fundy cuts in. “Testing is coming up!”I’m unironically this person. Our leaving exams are coming up really soon and I keep reminding my school friends bcs of the stress I am under while constantly thinking about it. And I stress them out by mentioning it.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up.” Quackity chants moving a hand to cover Fundy’s mouth.This is pretty close to my friends’ reaction when I bring it up.

“Sucks to suck.” Foolish grins.So wise, I want to be old and wise like Foolish (I’m pretty sure I’m older than Foolish in this fic.)

“You still have to take your AP tests Foolish.” Charlie cuts in.“Shhh. This isn’t about me.”That’s so silly of him. I love ignoring my problems to feel superior to other people in a joking way.

“Hey at least after testing you guys more or less just coast until exams.” Sam says, helpfully.Yeah, actually, talking to people who went throug the leaving exams is so good to elevate anxiety.

Because the teachers always make them out to be so serious and hard to pass and all you hear about is people who failed not people who did good on them.

But people who did them will be like “Yeah, it doesn’t matter, you only need like 4 days to prepare. What do you mean you’re reading the books? Just read what they’re about online.”

“Yeah, I never did anything after testing honestly.” Ponk agrees.No, but it’s great that the people who went through it are there to give advice and like lessen the stress about the testing.

“I don’t do much period.” Charlie points out.

Me neither, but it’s fine, don’t worry Charlie.

“You’re gonna lock in.” Quackity says, pointing an accusing finger at Charlie. “We’re studying for chemistry together.”FRIENDS

Friendship

oh my god, Quacktiy is like a great fucking friend wtf

FRIENDSHIP!!!!

<333

this is so wholesome

Charlie, who usually finds himself feeling like he is staring at an impossible to climb cliff face, when testing starts, suddenly doesn’t feel as worried as he should. Maybe he can actually do this.YAAAY, that’s optimism! He’s getting a bit of that happiness back, he’s able to eat it again in little pieces. A little nibble of joy.

#101 reasons #fanfic #its honestly my favorite fanfic #best piece of literature fr fr #i wont know what to do with my life whne it finsihes #/hj

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bklynmusicnerd · 11 months ago

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I'm currently fighting a battle against going full "Bah Humbug" to this holiday season, but nevertheless we are going to get into these latest GH Petty Politics results!

This is going to be a long roundup because I did more polls than usual because I weirdly felt bad about how boring these last few weeks of GH have been.

Considering the present state of the show is actually pretty dire thanks to a deeply misguided EP, let's start off with what moratorium you all think GH needs more? The results were actually not close at all as 70.8% of you said:

Violet's random ass song aside, the consensus is clear. The majority are sick of 90% of the dialogue revolving around how the only thing that matters in this world is having babies. Imagine that 😒. To quote my mom, "The songs only last a couple of minutes, those babies take forever to disappear!"

29.2% of you, though, do think all the corny singing is becoming a problem. You signed up for a soap, not Glee.

And along those lines, when asked what you find edgier and more exciting during this holiday season, 84.2% of you said Hallmark Christmas movies officially have more buzz than anything happening on GH right now.

I don't watch Hallmark, so I have no way of verifying this. I made it an option cause I was feeling snarky after that terrible Friday ep, but I suspect this is the truth. From what I'm told, the heroines on those Hallmark movies do sometimes get to discuss things other than babies or when they'll have them, so that's something.

Onto the poll that surprisingly got the most buzz: What do you think of Curtis' ableist Christmas miracle paralysis reversal?

43.2% of you agreed that it is a lazy and offensive conclusion to a poorly done disability story, and that's because it is! Curtis' paralysis was played as a cheap ploy to get quick sympathy for him and in the process promoted the idea that all the lives of the disabled amount to is what they can't do.

Anyways, here's an article on why the "miracle cure" trope is offensive as shit and gross to write in 2023:

38.5% of you could give a shit about Curtis or his terrible storyline and just want to know where Trina's real father, Taggert is? A question that likely won't be answered until next year (but keep hope alive 🥲)

19.2% of you are in an optimistic mood and are open to this story at least having the upside of a potential testing fiasco which clears Trina of these Ashford charges once and for all (again...keep hope alive 🥲).

And a total of 0% of you are happy for Curtis to receive his miracle cure, and honestly...I've never felt prouder looking at a result. There's something really beautiful about us all coming together in the name of having no time for Curtis, I'm tearing up as I type this.

Moving onto the latest Kraze (😉) in GH pairings. I really wanted to know what you guys thought of Kristina and Blaze moving forward at the same time as this surrogacy plot that will not die.

50% of you said that you were too devastated by another pairing already being dragged down by the baby agenda, to put yourself in Blaze's shoes. As a Trina fan, believe me, I get it, and my heart goes out to you guys. The wlw delegation deserved better than this smh

29.2% of you said you would absolutely stay romantically interested in Kristina through her surrogacy story if you were Blaze. Which regardless of how realistic, is actually very sweet and probably exactly what GH will have Blaze do because baby agenda always wins out 😒.

20.8% of you said you'd probably have to dip if you were Blaze cause that's way too much way too soon and I have to say I'm inclined to agree with you guys. I can't imagine starting a relationship with someone who's about to carry a baby but I guess we're going to see what that looks like 🤷🏿‍♀️.

Speaking of "fuck them kids", a certain demon spawn was finally shown the door this week and I wanted your thoughts on Trina's status as a potential accidental homewrecker, and whether or not you gave a shit that Spencer's domestic era is over.

On the Trina homewrecking front:

47.8% of you said, yes, our girl technically qualifies as the cutest accidental homewrecker ever and you think she's a hero for demolishing the Jerry Springer household by simply choosing herself.

39.1% of you think Trina's homewrecking status is irrelevant because Laura's home was simply a training ground for the real home Spencer is already planning in his head with Trina.

And 13% of you, like my mom, think I play too much and that Trina is not a homewrecker and there's nothing funny about the suggestion! And to that I say: 😛

As for Spencer's domestic mourning period (🤢), I'm proud to report that the majority of you (57.9%) have no time for the fake sympathy for Spencer. You can be honest and admit that this story was bad, you're happy this form of it is over and you're hopeful that he can burn the diaper bags and return to dark princedom once again.

26.3% of you do feel bad for Spencer but uh, not enough to mourn this baby nonsense with him.

And 15.8% of you are actually going to miss Spencer the Manny. I can't really relate to such an emotion, but I admire the bravery of being open about your bad taste in storylines.

Setting crybaby Spencer to the side, let's talk about the real Cassadine youth doing real Cassadine things, Charlotte!

In true Cassadine form, Charlotte has the people divided. 34.8% of you agree with Valentin and are proud of Charlotte for her mess. But 34.8% of you also aren't sure about anything except that Anna should have slapped Valentin again (I agree). 30.4% of you are not down with Charlotte's shenanigans and think Valentin is nuts for being this passive.

The people are thoroughly split on Miss Charlotte Cassadine, which means she's doing wonderfully 😘.

Bringing crybaby Spencer back to the front again because it's time to discuss our favorite new pill popper on the canvas, Adam!

I really wanted to know if people were as into the Adam and Spencer friendship idea as @anyathefandom and I and I'm pleased to report the results are hilarious:

54.5% of you think we are nuts for trying to play friendship matchmaker with Spencer and a guy who's about to OD on pills and you know what, that's fair! Maybe our priorities seem a little odd as this kid tweaks about test scores! But we all know the powers of nepotism will save him from anything fatal, so I think some of you need to ease up on the judgment!

36.4% of you are here for the Spencer/Adam friendship idea. You're ready for Spencer to move on from Cali Cam and get a friend that's actually in the same town as him. You also recognize that it's either this or a forced Spencer and Dex friendship, and the lesser evil is pretty obvious here.

9.1% of you have no faith in Spencer's socialization skills and think it's a waste of time to hope he'll get a new friend. You think Spencer will never outgrow his "no new friends" phase, and you might just be right. Depressing but right.

And to save the funniest result for last. No, seriously, I saw this result and immediately lost it.

When asked what do you think will happen first, Adam OD'ing or Dex finally getting a real personality besides sex robot, 100% of you said Adam's inevitable OD is coming before Dex's personality. Because the only thing you guys have less faith in than Spencer's socialization skills, is Dex's character development.

I wanted to save that result for last because that's actually our first unanimous GH Petty Politics result and I love that it was as funny as it was disrespectful ❤️.

And so concludes another round of GH Petty Politics. Once again, you guys are hilarious and your participation is always appreciated!

#general hospital #rest is going under a cut because of course it is #trina robinson #spencer cassadine #kristina corinthos davis #dex heller #curtis ashford (loser)#marcus taggert #anna devane #valentin cassadine #charlotte cassadine #adam wright #first time i ever guffawed looking at some of these results 🤭#honestly had more fun doing this than watching gh this week negl

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schizononagesimus · 7 months ago

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can i ask what you're withdrawing from? no matter what substance it's so hard. wishing you a smoother ride <3

Like, everything, dude. It was bad. I wasn't planning on being specific about it but like, that was just out of shame and shame is for losers which I am decidedly not, so. Long post incoming, and a lot of information you didn't ask for. I know so, so many people who say that they use too much of their substance of choice and have tried and failed to stop that I just felt the need to really elaborate... plus, it serves as a reminder for me as to why I'm quitting.

Right now I'm struggling with coke withdrawal because I caved literally the day after I started trying to get sober (my roommate gave me a talk about the possibility of transference to worse shit shortly after I declared cold turkey, and well... Sorry if you're reading this, nawee, you were right and I'm trying and I very quickly learned and I'm sorry for being too scared to tell you).

Everyone where I live does coke like drinking fucking water and it's super normalized if you go to bars or parties or clubs or like, fucking anywhere really. Always wanted to try it, did that a year ago, NOPE. Not even once. Don't fuck with coke, kids. Especially when it's so available. And don't be naïve and say you just need to hang out with "the right people" because this can happen to ANYBODY. One moment of hedonistic indulgence and you're fucked.

And that's without the coke being cut with fent, which... mine might've been, man, I've had coke cravings before but never anything this bad. I was being stupid and snorted coke from someone I don't know because I was down for anything because my brain was just screaming at me (if you know what OCD thoughts feel like, drug cravings feel a lot like that). I dunno what a speedball feels like because I'm not a coke connesieur--that's me with weed and shrooms--so I really don't know what I took, and that's like harm reduction 101- know what you're taking, and who you're getting it from. I should also note, I don't even fucking like coke, it was just there so my brain said "why not" (which is generally my attitude to free drugs, which is very very bad).

Anyway, so on to what else was the problem! Why did I need to get sober to start with? Well, I was smoking enough weed that I started to puke every time I did it, and then I greened out in class (see why no one here can know who I am in the academic world?). That was when I realized I had a problem. I was smoking so much weed before class because, to quote the post I literally made just before making this decision: "ive experienced such vile antisemitism in my queer studies class this year that im [...] going to class high...", which essentially amounts to "I am so afraid I need to not feel in order to function." I have no idea if I had anyone in that class fooled as to why I was so fucked up, but I did feign food poisoning after I left the classroom to lie on the cold tile of the public university bathroom and a woman saw me lying there over a toilet and asked if I was okay. The moment I lied was the moment I noticed something was very deeply wrong and had been for a while. I was so sick I considered taking myself to hospital. When I started coming to after coming home and passing out for hours, I remembered why I started doing drugs to start with: they're fun. This wasn't fun anymore.

But with weed, man, I've been smoking weed since I was 15. There was just nothing else to do in my hometown. I never smoked much, and I always knew what I liked because I've been smoking pot for over a decade. I don't even really like weed highs that much; literally it is just something to do when you're bored. Another rule of doing drugs "safely" (there is no safe way to do drugs, only safe-r ways) is don't do them because you're bored or sad or avoiding something etc. I was all three of those things, plus just trying to feel anything but the constant stress and fear. Did I realize something was wrong when my grandpa offered me weed and I felt so relieved to just get high after being sober the whole trip? No, of course not.

So then we can talk about the fact that I was getting nearly blackout drunk twice a week. Genuinely, I'd been trying to drink less prior to this. I had started having really bad stomach problems every time I drank especially wine, so I was trying to cut down (fun fact, this was likely a result from drinking too much in the first place, and I'm very glad I listened to my body). The problem? I don't back down from a challenge. I'll chug anything. If I'm drunk enough, I'm the challenger. I'm the guy who finishes people's drinks because they "know I can" and get me to drink more. Don't even get me started on the fact that people love giving me free drinks for being charming and talented (I... I wish I was kidding but that's just what I've been told). But basically, I see drinking like a competition, and I have two separate friend circles who like to go out every week, ergo, getting properly shitfaced twice a week. Luckily because I had been cutting back, alcohol is the least of my problems right now, it's more the social element that's dangerous and I need to be changing where and how I hang out with people, too. Fun fact: I can drink alone because I don't actually like being drunk (another pro tip- if you don't like how something feels, maybe don't do it!), I just think beer tastes nice, so I'll have one with a meal once in like a literal blue moon (haha... ha. Get it.) Another scary story for you, a friend of mine who is virtually a drinking buddy (red flag #1 and, list of relationships I need to change) and I were drinking at her house (red flag #2) and she invited a new person to introduce me to after taking us outside to smoke a buncha pot (substances in my body at this point: 2) and some cigarettes (substances: 3, red flag #3). I don't even like being crossfaded literally at all (I don't like being drunk or weed high so??? Why would I do this??? The answer is addiction but we're getting to that). I was already very drunk, and beginning to get nauseated from the weed thanks to my new problem when the usually-pleasant dizziness of cigarettes kicked in as we took the lift up to my friend's apartment. My introduction to this new person she was having me meet was me excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom at like 4pm on a Sunday. There is a time and a place, and this was not it.

So let's take a tally: so far, we're at three substances, with two left to go.

Cigarettes. I've learned a lot of people don't even think of them as a drug, which is kind of fucking insane, considering... well, everything about them. I started smoking a little over a year ago because I always thought I'd like it (we'll get into some mild pathology shortly), then continued because it was fun and accessible, and then by October I was smoking more and more because of unavoidable stress (gee I wonder what happened in October that could've caused that!). I was smoking so much that I was smoking through having the fucking FLU and while marching myself to the urgent care for tamiflu I chainsmoked so much I puked in the urgent care for what I lied and told them was "unrelated to why I was there." I only starting smoking more after that. Now, I've never been a pack-a-day type, but once I'd hiked my way up to smoking five a day and feeling absolutely nothing from it--just doing "maintenance"--I wanted to smoke less so it could become fun again. I should also note that I did restrict myself in some ways with cigarettes, because I wouldn't smoke after like, 8pm unless it was a night out because they made me too wired to sleep. Quitting cigarettes has been the hardest thing (which is what everyone says), but it's even harder because 1) they literally help you quit the harder stuff (another fun fact, cigarettes make you crave alcohol and weed less, I saw it in an NIH study somewhere (I can't find it bc I'm bad at Words to do the Google thing); problem is that conversely drinking makes you want to smoke and smoking makes you need to drink more to feel drunk) and 2) This is the one drug I actually genuinely like, and I don't intend on quitting it fully, I just want to reframe it as a fun thing not a maintenance thing, which is really difficult because see point #1.

And finally, shrooms. These guys genuinely were a good idea, for a while. Seriously- shrooms helped me a lot. I take certain medications which happen to prevent or stop bad trips, so I only ever had a good time... for a while. It helped me work out a lot of emotional stuff. No hangover, would feel great for days after... And then I started doing them everyday because I was in the middle of such a bad bipolar episode that I was either manic or suicidal one minute to the next and totally spiralled out of control. I barely even remember those weeks, I just remember not being able to walk hardly because I was so high, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to be high anymore, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is about shrooms is that they'll only amplify whatever you've got going on, which I consciously knew, but you're not thinking logically when you're in the middle of a bipolar swing. I tried doing them every other week after that, and eventually stopped entirely when I finally realized it wasn't helping. And yes- I was following microdosing advice, it just super isn't for me. I settled on doing one trip a month, which really did help my mental health for a time, but it was just a bandaid, like any addiction is. Then when I started having my additional addiction issues come to fruition I started taking shrooms to go out, and man, taking shrooms as a party drug is so not the move because they're so wonderfully meditative, but I was taking them just because I had some on hand. You can see where the drug problem was starting to be realized. I still genuinely think shrooms can be great but 1) sparingly 2) in the right environment 3) not as an unsupervised mental health aid (especially if you have bipolar). This period of time was really when I started expressing addictive behaviours in a serious way, I think.

I can spot about sixty different reasons I ended up here. Trauma's a good start. Birth father was a serious addict and so was my mom, and later in life my parents were teetotallers because of it. I straight up just thought drugs seemed like a good time because I got into rave music and metal via scene kid culture in like 2010 (which I am still into those things and god it's not helping). Potential of partying in undergrad dashed by lockdown, saved for graduate school emotional breakdowns. Bipolar disorder. Being an academic should be on the list for things that might make you addiction prone, good lord (and not to mention cigarettes being part od the classic academic and poet aesthetics, both of which I am). I like going clubbing and dancing and raves. And really, I just always knew I'd like drugs, had a bucket list of ways I wanted to experience them, and so when I had the ability to do so, I did. Truthfully though, I don't regret any of this. I got the experiences I wanted, and I'm facing the consequences, but for me, that's part of life; there's no use in regretting your actions having very obvious and predictable consequences, like, once it's done, it's done.

Now I'm in the position of smoking half a cigarette a few times a day so I don't take a shitton of benadryl or literally slit my wrists. Now I say that second part very specifically because cutting is also an addiction, and something I have been trying not to do for most of my entire life. Trauma's a bitch like that, and many other comorbidities. I'd avoided cutting entirely until a couple weeks ago and I scared myself so shitless with it that I did a buncha drugs instead! Holy shit, but like... Better? I guess? Basically, I'm so afraid of the world that I'd rather not experience it at all, but I don't actually want to die, so instead I just have to microdose self-destruction so I can feel in control of the fear. See how that sentence could've been about, say, alcoholism or cutting?

My goal is not to be totally clean forever; I do just really like cigarettes and a good beer occasionally, I just don't want it to be a coping mechanism, I want it to be fun, and I want to be alive.

Thank you and everyone for your kind words recently, it has genuinely made getting through this so much easier.

And yes, I'm seeking professional help.

#this one was a doozy but im so glad you asked anon it was so good to write!#drugs tw #suicide tw #cutting tw #sobriety update #lessons of the hand and the mouth #asks #long post

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crispy-bonnie · 2 years ago

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hello it be cipher from the discord

houston with s/o that encourages him to do loud heists more often (hcs)

(gives him a rocket launcher "aren't u just tired of being nice?? don't u just wanna go APESHIT??")

poor man is about to experience an existential crisis and just overall pain LMAO

You're a chaos enabler - HOUSTON HCs

Houston has never been in person with you when you're causing chaos or getting other people to do so

He's only ever heard stories and small talk about it around the safe house

Up until Golden Grin Casino

You and Houston were trying to stealth the mission and you were just so fuckin bored of it

No matter what crazy ideas you'd offer up, he'd counter you and direct you back to whatever stealthy shit you gotta do

Eventually you just got fed up

Y'all were in the bathrooms trying to wait for the perfect opporunity to sneak by the guards when you broke

Y - "Aren't you tired of this?"

H - "Tired of what?"

Y - "Tired of being nice. Being sneaky. Don't you just wanna go apeshit?"

This man was so confused like

Please he just wants to do this quietly

H - "N-no...? I mean- if you count going crazy about getting loot then I guess..?"

Insert sigh of dissapointment from you

Y - "Here, let me teach ya."

Now when I say that he was fucking MORTIFIED upon you pulling a whole ass rocket launcher out, I'm probably under-exaggerating.

Houston is just stuttering and trying to comprehend the Commando 101 that you drop into his arms

Y - "Now fire it in the middle of the casino!"

H - "NO??? WHY WOULD I DO THAT-"

mf just whisper yelling to you because oh my god PLEASE

Y - "Okay then, let me demonstrate."

H - " WAIT NO-"

Legit just pulled the trigger for him

People were screaming, the alarm was blaring, and the other two heisters that were standing by [Hoxton and Sokol] started to show up

Y - "Come on now, let's blow up some cops!"

Houston is just so fucking distraught while you grab him by the wrist and drag him out of your hiding spot

Though, he did have a bit of fun during the loud part

Still pissy abt how the stealth thing was thrown out the window, but still fun for him

#payday #payday 2 #payday x reader #payday 2 x reader #x reader #reader insert #houston payday 2 #headcanons #fanfic #fanfiction

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callmeghoulshit · 10 months ago

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For the 101 questions!

It’s so many imsorryimsorryimsorry but ily

4, 10, 13, 23, 31, 33, 44, 75, 88, 97

SHAKEY I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK FOREVER TO ANSWERRRRRR.

Made the mistake of opening it during work so I lost the notification and forgot :(

Everything under the cut cuz this was an essay.

ANYWAYS:

4. What's the one thing you feel like everyone knows how to do except you?

Oho. Literally everything. Life as a whole. Everyone makes everything look so damn easy and it leaves me wondering what went wrong with me (I know damn well what's wrong with me lmao but I don't wanna change it)

Oh but to be specific it's hard to explain so I hope I make sense but appearances. I know even the prettiest people have their insecurities but it seems like everyone else knows what to do with themselves. Whether it be hair, clothes, makeup. I have to ask my bestie all the time because it's the one thing I don't get is how people are like "imma do this! I think it'll look cool!" Like how are you SURE? How do you just know what looks good in you and what doesn't?

It took me five years to nail my eyeliner. Fucking eyeliner. And it'll probably take me another five to figure out if I can even wear eyeshadow.

10. What's your boring hobby (that you still enjoy anyway)?

This is another hard one cuz I do quite a bit of hobby hopping now. In the span of a year I went from jewellery making, cross stitch, painting, clothes making, and clay. I didn't have any hobbies prior to that, let alone "boring" ones so I don't really have an answer haha.

13. Tell a secret.

See my initial answer was to say my maladaptive daydreaming, except I slapped that in my intro post haha. And anything else that comes to mind is actually unwarranted trauma dumping I think. So we're gonna stick with the MADD but make it dramatic:

I've had seven (there's way more but they're the core ones) imaginary friends since I was 14. I'm currently twenty, and hoping they don't go away, there have been a couple times I've "lost" my ability to daydream and I felt so broken because they stem from a time I was so lonely I only had myself and I love them so dearly. So if you ever see me talking about my OCs (original characters), I mean them. I'm so unbelievably attached and can talk about them forever haha. Maybe if I see an ask game about OCs I'll answer about them hehe.

23. Do you believe in an afterlife?

Nope. No belief in any kind of higher power. My only fear is that you're still somehow conscious after death, just experiencing nothingness. It's mainly because I can't imagine everything just switching off.

31. What are you looking forward to right now?

Hmm maybe getting round to my project where I wanted to make a dress. Maybe it's my delusions of grandeur because I keep hoping it'll turn out perfect haha.

Being able to see my best friend for a proper hangout again too. I miss being able to see her whenever we wanted to <3

33. What's your favorite color in context?

Red. I just really like red. When I used to get up really early and the sun was rising it'd look so pretty and red and pink.

44. What's the earliest dream you can remember having?

I can't remember anything mate haha. It would have to be a weird lil nightmare I had three years ago I think, enjoy

75. What's that movie you know is bad but enjoy anyways?

Fast and Furious franchise. Admittedly I need to catch up with a few movies. And I know it's far fetched and everything BUT I DONT CARE. DAYDREAM INSPO. ITS FUN. GIMME MY STUPID UNREALISTIC DRIVING MOVIE.

88. What kinds of things confuse you?

Fucking LIFE. Money. Bills. My mum's council tax makes me wanna rip my hair out. I wanna figure out if I can live independently BUT I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH BILLS Are this is so fucking stressful.

Oh and attraction lmao I don't get that shit. I have an ace flagged pinned to my wall but it feels like a lie cuz I'd feel so bad if I realise down the line I'm not ace. Seriously what the fuck is romantic attraction. Tf is sexual attraction. The fuck is arousal. Anyways moving swiftly on

97. What's your favorite word?

Swear words. I can't think right now. Maybe shit, fuck, bitch, cunt or dickhead.

#im so sorry shakey #i received an ask but won't get used to it

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cafeconbrujeria · 1 year ago

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Generally, I think occult terminology is boring navel grazing that gets in the way of actually doing magic. It's the most tedious parts of human nature, the great big brain smugly trapping itself on the useless hamster wheel and feeling self congratulatory about nothing at all.

But every often, yeah, I wonder why my relationship with the word "witch" is so complicated, if I'm so sure words don't matter, and I'm so sure it's the wrong word anyway.

And of course the issue here is that sometimes, it is the exact right word.

People try to divide it up by power source, and sure, kind of. There's stuff I do that's priestess and mystic, not witch. The word wizard has little in common with witch, in my opinion. I am not a wizard. I am a mage, because I am a cranky person with too many books who is way too aggressive about her stacks of paper, and very broad in my knowledge base. I'm a nerd, yes, and that's what mages are. But I'm not a wizard.

For me, the witch vs wizard thing is a matter of attachment styles.

That is: a wizard might learn secrets from a non-human entity, but probably said entity was summoned through some official ritual, transacted with, and dismissed. Bindings, banishments, that tedious golden dawn thing people do all the time for some reason, etc.

A witch, to me, is having secrets whispered to her by the spirits that are around--the trees whisper to you, your house tells you things, and your familiar, most of all, has suggestions and opinions. But you're all just hanging out and coming and going as you please. There is something less formal about it.

And of course, a wizard can have friends just hanging out and the witch can have more formal dedications. But it's down to main method. This is why some people consider witchcraft inherently initiatory even when the initiation is not something human to human. And I think maybe this is why familiars seem like an important theme, because the acquisition of the familiar is in some stories formally tied to the initiation.

[obligatory: your pet is not your familiar]

So maybe, to me, a witch is someone who not only does spells, but has done enough spells and has enough basic competence at craft and spirit communication that they have a close relationship with a non physical being who helps with the magic. and they both actually get shit done.

To me, there's no such thing as a baby witch. witchcraft 101 is completed and passed when you have a familiar you effectively work with, and before then you're just in training. of course, afterwards: you are still in training. but it's different.

#occult

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gh-0-stcup · 1 year ago

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Tumblr 101

Since the post about reblogging, I'd thought it'd be a good idea to make a little guide about how to use Tumblr effectively. You know - gaining followers, increasing meaningful engagement, and keeping the site healthy.

If you saw the post on likes vs reblogs, you probably have gathered that Tumblr's core feature is reblogging. If you didn't, let me tell you now - Tumblr's core feature is reblogging. It's what allows your posts to circulate, to cross over to different communities, and to keep being seen 10 years after you initially posted it. It's how users find you, how you find them. It's how communities are built and what allows them to thrive.

Why is this?

To get the most out of Tumblr, it's important to understand the main way this site differs from other social media. We are not algorithm driven. On Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Reddit, and many others, the main feature is likes. Or whatever happens to be their equivalent to likes. Liking is what lets the posters know you enjoyed their post and what helps get it seen by other people.

If you're coming to Tumblr having spent a lot of time on other sites, it's likely you're instinctively relying on the like feature. As a long term Tumblr user, the like button on this website is largely meaningless. The improvements to searching and browsing by tags, which now allow users to sort based on likes/reblogs, have made the feature a little more useful. But it's still pretty much the least important feature. It's just a nod to the poster.

You have to change the way you think.

Step One: Follow!

Your personal dash is where you should be spending most of your time on this site. The search functions are superfluous and if you're relying on that for entertainment, I'm sorry to say you are not using the site properly.*

To make your dash more interesting, follow more people. Yeah, yeah you know! I hear you scream out. Stop talking to you like you're stupid, you get that you're supposed to follow people you like. But here's the thing - if your dash is so boring you're not even using it, you don't know.

Go into that search function, look up some stuff you like, and whenever you find a good post follow that person. The time for pickiness comes later. Just follow, follow, follow. Keep going until you get bored. Start with quantity over quality. The more you follow, the more you'll see on your dash.

When somebody new follows you, check out their blog. Do they share an interest with you? Follow back. Even if it's not the greatest blog, just spend some time focusing on increasing the number of people you are following.

Step Two: Effective Design

Your icon and description are very important. Other people will look to your icon when it pops up on your dash or their searches to judge whether you're a kindred spirit they can follow. Set your icon to something that relates to a fandom or ship you post about often or like a lot. It will attract others who enjoy the same thing.

Your icon is (generally) not about creating an identity for yourself. It communicates what your interests are, your aesthetic, and/or what kind of things you post about. Every time your blog shifts gear, crosses over to a different fandom or gets into a different ship or starts posting lots about something else - change your icon.

Your description is also important, though less so than your icon. Something very important thing to keep in mind - this is a content driven site, not a personality driven one. In essence, nobody here gives a shit about who you are. Your real name, face, age, gender, location? Superfluous information. Nice to know sometimes, but completely unnecessary to share.

Like your icon, your description should be a summary of the content you post. It should describe what you like and possibly convey the tone of your blog/your sense of humour (if that's important to your blog). Update your description when your blog changes what it posts about. People will look at your description as well as the content you post to determine whether they want to see you on their dash. You are their source of entertainment, they care about whether you post things they want to see.

Step Three: Reblog

Now that we've (somewhat) fixed your dash and helped you get seen by others, it's time to get into actual site usage. Browse your dash, which is hopefully now buzzing with content.** Pretend the like feature does not exist. Every time you find yourself going for that like button, hit reblog instead. Okay, you can hit the like as well - just make sure you're reblogging every time too.

Reblogging should be the main thing you're doing. It produces content for your followers. It advertises you as a person who posts things to people who post things you like. It helps you find things you'd like to see on your dash because they'll find you.

If a post is good enough for a like, it's good enough for a reblog.

When the mood strikes, add to what you're reblogging with your own commentary. If you have something to say, say it. Even if it's just a "wow awesome gif" or "i loved this scene!"

On Tagging

Tagging is important. Yes, it gets your post seen. But the biggest benefit to tagging is that it allows your followers to NOT see certain things. Say you mostly post about Blorbo from your shows, but you also like Xorbo. If you tag appropriately, fellow Blorbo lovers will be able to follow you even if they hate Xorbo. They'll follow you for the content they like and filter out the content they don't like rather than unfollowing.

For fandom content, you want to tag the fandom and character discussed in the post. Simple. If you notice most people use a particular acronym for a fandom, adopt that over the full name. Optionally, you can tag for both.

Don't over tag. If a character or ship is mentioned in passing but is not even close to the main focus of the post, it is not necessary to tag it. Overtagging clutters tags for people who are completing step one. If you're unsure, imagine you despised xyz character or show. Would this post be annoying to see? If so, tag. If not, don't.

Now, tags are for people who enjoy the thing. If you're posting content that is against the thing, tag with "anti-[x]" instead. This is where things get a little complex - is a take that is critical of a character "anti" that character? You can also tag as "[x] critical" in cases where the take is not motivated by disdain/frustration for the thing.

Similar to how tags are for people who enjoy the thing, anti tags are for people who do not enjoy the thing. When judging whether something is anti or simply critical, consider who it would annoy more to see the post. If it would annoy people who hate the thing, go with critical.

Basically, it's all about politeness and the ability to curate our own experiences. Keep this in mind as you tag your posts.

A time honored tradition on Tumblr is to put commentary in the tags. Many new users have question what the etiquette of this is - when do you add to a reblog vs when do you add to the tags kind of deal. The simple answer is - there is no longer a rule to judge this by. I don't care what tips people have tried to tell you. Tag commentary was brought about by the way the site used to function. The reasons are now obsolete and thus make zero sense to anybody who's entered Tumblr recently. Feels and vibes are the only way you have to judge it.

What do I mean? In the long long ago when Tumblr's culture emerged, tags did not show up in the activity feed. Things that were added in the main text of reblogs would. So people could add random comments, jokes, or things they didn't want the OP to see in the tags. This is where the phrase "why would you hide this in the tags?!" comes from. Tags were difficult to see unless you saw the post on your dash or were browsing the person's actual blog.

Step Four: Queue

Reblogging everything means your blog is going to get pretty crowded real quick. Spamming can be fun once in a while, but if it's happening regularly it can be annoying. There's a chance people might start unfollowing you, which we do not want. So you should make use of Tumblr's other main feature - the queue.

The queue is a chest of posts that get released at regular intervals. You can adjust when and how often your queue posts, but it's fine to leave it at the default for now. It allows you to reblog a lot without cluttering the dash. It also ensures you're posting consistently, which will help you gain followers better than spamming 20 posts every Saturday.

To start making use of your queue, choose an arbitrary ratio of reblog/queue. For example, reblog two posts and queue the third. I also tend to queue things that I don't add commentary to. If I'm adding commentary, I want to be around when/if people respond to it so I can have a conversation. You don't have to do that though. Just build up a queue however you feel is appropriate to your needs.

Step Five: Pruning

Okay, at this point a lot of your Tumblr problem should be fixed. You're barely using the searches anymore, your dash keeps you busy for days, you've started to gain followers, and people are engaging with your posts. You've probably noticed a downside to the whole "follow everybody" thing I had you do in step one - there's a lot of stuff on your dash that you don't want to see! It's starting to get annoying. You just want to sit in the glow of all that content you adore.

Well, the time for pickiness has finally come. You see one person on your dash keeps posting stuff you don't know or care about? Unfollow. This other person is spamming and that was fine once upon a time, but their stuff isn't that great and it's blocking you from stuff you really enjoy? Unfollow. Go on a very small unfollow spree, focusing on clearing your dash of things that are preventing the joy from sparking.

Don't bother with sentimentality. Remember: this is a content driven site. It is not insulting to unfollow somebody who isn't posting things you want to see.

Start being a little more choosy when hitting follow. If somebody follows you, visit their blog. Are their posts something you'd like to see on your dash? Follow. Do the same for people who reblog your posts. Doing this in tandem with getting rid of things you don't want to see will allow you to further tailor your dash to your interests.

Misc. Tip: Reblog vs New Post

Adding commentary to reblogs is generally better than creating an entirely new post because it's continuing a conversation. You already have two people who are guaranteed to see your post (the OP and the person you're reblogging from), which is two more than a new post is guaranteed to have.

There are, however, times where creating your own post is best etiquette. If you are starting to stray pretty far from the original topic, feel free to make your own post about it instead. You can link and/or screenshot the post that inspired your own for context.

Other times, etiquette warrants a new post. Go by the same metric I described in the tagging section - if you created this post, would the commentary annoy you? Make your own.

On Tumblr, we must curate our own experience. Therefore, good Tumblr etiquette is all about allowing others to do the same.

*Meant in terms of keeping this site functioning, not dictating how you should have your fun. This post is about boosting community building, making friends, and helping Tumblr not get shut down for sucking ass.

**If your dash is not buzzing with content, repeat step one.

#tumblr 101 #tumblr tips #tumblr culture #a comprehensive guide to how tumblr works #what it's main features actually are and why #and the philosophy behind tumblr etiquette #certain bolded sections are very important - they represent the ethos of the site #the last one on etiquette is vital #if you violate tumblr etiquette then yes you may have anger directed at you #but the more likely outcome is that people simply won't interact with you #you'll have trouble gaining and keeping followers #and nobody will say anything because they'll just assume you don't care #tumblr etiquette encompasses a lot of rules but as long as you keep the last thing in mind you'll mostly figure it out #how to use tumblr

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jvstheworld · 10 months ago

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Ted Lasso Fan Fiction: One Week

This is my first time posting a fanfic of mine. I used a prompt from a book of 101 Flash Fiction Prompts. The prompt I used was to create a story set over the course of a week. It's a little self-indulgent, as I wrote it while going through some personal shit and I needed to cheer myself up somehow. I hope it's okay.

Monday:

I saw him, standing outside a pub. He seemed friendly, talking to some regulars it looks like. I looked at my phone for a moment and he turned and bumped into me. My phone on the ground. He apologised, American accent coming in thick. Out of Place. But then one look at his soft brown eyes and I forgot everything. He gave me my phone back and asked if I was okay. I nodded. He smiled. Does the rest of the world exist right now? He spoke again:

"Have a nice day now."

Then he left.

What just happened?

Tuesday:

I sat in a local coffee shop. Bored. All Tuesdays are boring. But then he walks in. The man from yesterday. American accent and all. he sees me sitting by the window and says hi. Apparently speech evades me when this man is near. I wave. He asks to sit with me. I am not an idiot. Well, I am in terms of not being being able to speak. I gesture instead. He introduces himself as Ted Lasso. My stepbrother is called Ted. Really brain? There is an attractive man in front of us and you think of your stepbrother? I'm more of an idiot than I thought. Ted asks for my name. Oh shit, I know this one.

'It's Jack.'

Oh hey, words. Two is a good start. He smiles at me. God damn it, he's cute. The cheeks, the eyes, the dimples too! Was he talking? Shit. What did he say?

'I just wanted to apologise again for bumping into you yesterday and making you drop your phone.' `

'It's fine.' Four words, maybe you could manage a whole sentence by the end of the week. He takes his coffee in a to go cup and hopes he'll see me around for more sparkling conversation. so, he's funny too? Then he leaves.

Fuck, I think I like him.

Wednesday:

Ted is there again. In the park. He knows one of the school kids playing football and he's joining in. He's kind of shit at it. He spots me and waves. I wave back.

'Fancy meeting you here. That's like three days in a row we've seen each other.' He's been counting? Yeah, of course he has been, dumbass. It's a pretty unusual situation here.

'Hi Ted.' Three more words and you'll break yesterday's record.

'You live around here, if you don't mind my asking?' I point in the direction of my flat. He asks if I'm from London. Fuck no! I'm a Yorkshire lass through and through... He's laughing... Wait, did I say that out loud?

'Sorry, automatic response.' He laughs again.

'Well, I respect your honesty and your bluntness.' There's that smile again. Oh Lord, I am not your strongest. There's a moment or two of silence.

'Would you like to join me on a walk?' Say yes, say yes, say yes!

'Yes.' Then we walk away.

Thursday:

I got his number! And we text non stop. Gifs, videos, memes, pictures. Anything and everything. We don't stop. He's funny and charming, disarmingly so. I feel like a teenage girl laying on her bed kicking her feet in the air, crushing over a boy. I never did that when I was a teenager, yet here I am doing it as an adult. But he's kind and is curious. He asks questions. He asks questions! Not even my own father gives a shit about my life enough to do that. Ted does, and he remembers it. This man must be a unicorn or something. Is that a Supernatural reference? He asks if I'm free for dinner on Saturday as he has a game tomorrow. Stupid football. I am definitely watching it. I say yes to dinner, 6pm. He'll pick me up...

Is this a date?

Friday:

Of course I watched the football match. For the first time in my life, I watched a football match. And now I have to go buy a team shirt. The things I do for a possible love interest. No, I'm not in love. Lust, most likely. But love? Too early for that. Besides, how would I even know what love is like? I've never been in love before. Sure I have friends and family that I love (very few), but romantic love, that escapes me. What if Ted isn't looking for love? Maybe he just wants a friend. Is tomorrow a date? I'm too scared to ask. What if I ruin things by asking? I don't want to do that. What do I wear?

Saturday:

I was ready by 5pm. Wearing a simple, short, red summer dress, black ankle boots, light black jacket. Good for a casual dinner with a friend or a date. Now I wait. Waiting, waiting, waiting. 5:13... 5:29 Longest hour of my life... 5:56, a knock at the door. He's there. Hair combed back, black suit, white shirt, red tie. It's a date.

We walk, talk, compliments fly. Arm in arm, his touch is gentle against me. We sit, we dine, we never stop talking. The conversation flows as easily as a bird flies on a clear day. He makes jokes, I laugh, even at the worst. I watch his hands in constant motion, even they are perfect. He's sad though. His divorce, his son, parts of his life missing. What's it like to be in love?

'You've never?' Now it's his turn to see what parts I'm missing from my life. I look at him with the same sort of sadness I see in him. We talk more, share more, honesty and understanding. No judgement. Emotional intimacy, that's what we have.

We leave the restaurant, taking the long way home, finding a park bench and sit. How much time has passed? Do I even care? All I want is to be here with him, listening to his voice. Can I hold his hand? Did he read my mind? I know I didn't say that out loud. It's warm, comforting, squeezing mine tightly for just a moment to let me know he is still there. I could cry. I am crying. Stop crying.

'I understand,' He wipes away a tear. 'It's hard being alone, when all you want is someone to see you and love you for who you are.'

He takes me home, walking arm in arm, holding him tight, and savouring every second of touch like it could be our last. His smile is sad when he has to wish me goodnight. I don't want him to leave. I reach out for him to pull him back. There's something I need to know. His lips on mine, his arms around me, my hand in his hair, his gorgeous hair. He's soft and tender, loving and giving. Like magic that makes the world fall away. We break for air and look into each others deep brown eyes.

'Stay?'

Sunday:

My bed has never been comfier. Perhaps that's because of the man I'm sleeping on. So... Last night really did happen. I see him softly dreaming. My fingers ghost over his messed up hair. My fault. Then over his forehead, and down the slope of his nose. Trying to burn this to memory. I trace his lips, how many times did I kiss them? How many times did they kiss me? Anywhere and everywhere they could find. The noises he brought out of me, they excited him, spurred him on. His hands, things of wonder. Holding on to me even in sleep. Oh, how I could worship his hands.

'Never let me go.' That time I meant to say it out loud.

'I won't.' I see his eyes again as they open and I fall for him more. He brings his hand up to my chin and pulls me forward to kiss me again. I could worship those lips. The feel of his mustache adding to the sensation.

'I could get used to this.' I want to get used to this. His thumb brushes over my lips. His smile isn't as sad anymore. My hand continues to ghost over his skin. Down his chest and over his stomach, the dark patch of hair covering him tickles my palm and fingers. I kiss his chest, holding him close. I don't want him to disappear. He holds me tighter, does he feel the same? we stay in bed, holding, touching, loving. Safe. We feel safe.

On Monday, we were strangers, Tuesday too. Wednesday we became friends. Thursday and Friday getting closer. Saturday, I fell for him, he fell for me. By Sunday, we were lovers, holding on to forever.

As I said, it was self-indulgent, but I'm trying to start writing again. So I guess it was kind of an experiment. Look, good or bad, I tried which for me is good start. If you made it to the end, thanks for reading.

#ted lasso #ted lasso fanfic #ted lasso fic

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jangdeok-su · 3 years ago

Text

You are VIP and you are interested in Deok-Su (Headcanon)

you enter at the same time as all the other VIPs in this large multicolored and subdued room

everyone launches their prediction on the winners of the game, "and you, who did you bet on?" we ask you

you smile and you answer "on player 101", and you point to the screen the man with his long dark hair

"classic, he is the strongest of all, good choice" answers you another masked head

"especially the sexiest you mean" you add before the assembly laughs and tells you that you are naughty

you are the richest of all the VIPs sitting in this room, you can buy almost anything with your money

an idea crosses your mind and you go to the game master

"excuse me, but I have a small request before starting the evening", you ask him

he looks at you, you don't see his expression but he must be quite skeptical

"is it possible to spend some time with player 101 before the game starts?"

he first refuses your offer but when you say you bet double your bet if he dies then he accepts

"good, but he will be handcuffed and no more than an hour, you will go into the room next to it, so we will hear you"

since the time you saw it on a screen you will finally be able to actually see it

two guards set off to find him and return with masked Deok-Su, who thinking of a game was relatively calm

when the guards came looking for him saying he only wanted him he was filled with pride and gave all the other players a middle finger as he left

"i can take off my blindfold now, it's boring" he said crossing the VIP room

the other players watch you sit in the other room with him and wish you "good evening" in a naughty and laughing tone

once you two and 2 guards are outside the room but in front of your door, you remove his blindfold

the room is small but has a bed, a table, drinks and a sink

he sits on the bed and when he looks up to look at you he gets scared of your animal mask, "what is this shit anymore?"

he gets up and threatens you not to touch him

"calm down, I did not come to hurt you" you say to him calmly by removing your mask

by removing your mask you let appear a face so soft and so pleasant, that it calms down a little

"if it's not a game then why am I here?" He asks you distraught

given your build you had no chance against him, you had no malicious ora, he understood that you did not want any harm

you advance towards him, he recedes slightly by reflex but you arrive at his height, he was taller than you

he is still handcuffed with his arms behind his back, he is staring at you, you take your soft hands and you stroke his face, your eyes are plunged into each other

"can I kiss you ?" you ask him kindly, "I've seen you for a while and I like you a lot, your body, your hair, this badass character that's all that turns me on" you confess

he doesn't know where you saw him, but he smiles, "it's true you're not bad either, kiss me anyway i'll probably die tonight"

he advances his face towards you and you grab his face with your hands which seemed so small compared to his face, your lips are finally touching, they are soft and warm

you slide your hands through his hair to amplify your kiss, once your kiss is broken, he asks you "the handcuffs is because I'm dangerous or do you want to tie me to the bed?" he laughs softly at his joke

"it can be for both" you answer him and you take one of his arms between your hands, they are so muscular that your hand cannot go around them

he lies down on the bed, you untie one of those handcuffs and you take another pair to tie his other arm to the bar of the bed

he lets himself, as if this evening he had wanted it too

"you are more calm than I would think" you tell him, "it's because getting fucked by people as sexy as you is what I prefer"

you open his jacket, and gently take off his pants, you take off his underwear with his consent, he only had his t-shirt to cover himself

you get up from the bed, and you delicately remove your clothes, he looks at you all remove one by one, he seems to devour your body with his eyes, his tongue passed over his lips

"a beautiful body like that, I don't know what I did to deserve it but it's the chance of my life" he said to break the silence

he loves being handcuffed, not being able to touch you drives him crazy

you slide a hand on his crotch which was already slightly swollen, he moans softly

"we have only an hour together, a lot of time has already passed and I want to enjoy every inch of your body", you tell him while masturbating him

"so ride me now" he orders you, you straddle her hips and you sit on her privacy

you feel each centimeter slowly, both of you close your eyes, once you reach the end of all these centimeters you bend down to kiss him

he kisses you and meanwhile he gently pushes his hips and you get up

your hands placed on his chest, your pelvis danced under his blows

you moan so loud, VIPs hear you and say someone was having a good evening

he also moans very loudly, it was more grunts but it turns you on even more

the hits got faster and faster, you had trouble catching your breath

you grabbed his hair and when he seemed to lack breath it was you who led the dance

"I knew you were a sex beast " you whisper in his ear, he tried to smile between her moans

he often tilts his head back, you hide your head in his neck by kissing or biting him

he hammers you more and more and it's harder and harder for you to contain yourself and his moans are louder and louder

when he kisses you he wraps his tongue around yours, you choke with pleasure

he often tries to move his arms to touch you but he forgets that he is handcuffing it crumples him a bit but it turns him on

"I will -uhm- cum" he tries to say between several moans, you say nothing but you too were close to ecstasy

you cum together, in a concert of groaning grunts, you hear the other VIPs clapping in the distance

you collapsed on top of him, both sweating, you try to catch your breath

after a few minutes you were still near his face, "what's your name?" you ask him

still tied up, he tried to get up but in vain, "why do you want to know?"

you got up and you untied him, the handcuffs had left marks on his wrist, "I want to meet you after the games"

he rubbed his wrists and sat down on the unmade bed, "Deok-Su, Jang Deok-Su" he finally replies

"you only have 10 minutes left" shouted a guard behind the door

you were breathing as if you wanted time to stop

he takes his clothes back, pours water on his face, you put his handcuffs back on, and you say "thank you for this delicious moment, Deok-Su, don't die"

he smiled and kissed you one last time, "I can't die now that I know you will be there when I come out, I don't know who you are, or what this animal mask means but you will explain to me at the exit" and he smiles

you both leave the room, him with his blindfold and you with your mask and you walk him back to the game master

once the master of the game returns, you tell him "do everything so that he does not die", but the players were already on the glass bridge

you hold your breath when Deok-Su becomes the first to pass, you begged the master of the game that you were going to pay a lot to get him out of the game

when the glass shatters under his feet, you look away and feel a deep sadness

"player 101 eliminated" you heard

you take your VIP mask and throw it on the ground before leaving the room quickly, the tears flowed

"i think his heart broke at the same time as that glass plate" said a VIP

#deok su #deok su x reader #jang deok su #squid game #squid game imagines #squid game x reader #player 101 #submission #jang deok su x reader

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shlutnutt · 4 years ago

Text

Tag

in honor of kit's birthday, why not a quick little kit smut?

starts off as a little fluff lol

warnings: smut, penetration, fingering, oral sex, just regular smut

song insp: courtship dating and affection both by crystal castles

ight so boom.

"Come on! Slow down flash." Kit yells from the other side of the asylum caf trying his best to catch up to your incredible speed. Kit and you were inseparable, no matter how many times the nuns tried seperating you guys, you'd always find a way to hang out or at least see eachother.

Playing tag was your favorite game to play since it didn't require a board game with boring little pieces or any difficult rules. "Ok! I'll give you a headstart! Only 5 seconds!" you yell back causing a little disruption. Kit speed walks towards you not wanting to run anymore.

You giggle at the sight of Kit completely out of breath infront of you as he tapped on you, causing him to giggle along with you pausing suddenly taking a second to admire the beauty he had infront of him. The eye contact you both held brought nothing but butterflies, rising your need to have his soft plump lips against yours, but you dont dare make a move preventing any sort of punishments coming from Sister Jude.

Kit grabs your hand signaling you to sit down alongside him by the window which seemed nearly empty from the patients hating the sunlight. "Hey, I have a plan.. Its risky but we can have some alone time?" Kit whispers feeling the tension you two imprisoned. Taking his hand into yours you whisper back "What's on your mind baby?". Kit plans "Well, we go back to our prison cells at 9:00 pm. Jude usually leans around till 9:30 pm. We were the only ones who ate today's toasts. Lets say we got immensely sick hey? Get our "medical help" and meet by the girl's bathroom. Whatcha think?"

You were totally down for Kit's quickie plan but were terribly scared of getting caught. Knowing the result will be awful you honestly respond with "I dunno Kit. Its very risky. But I'll do it!"

"Shh"

"Shit sorry. Only if you're staying by my side though."

"Im not leaving you alone Y/N.. We're inseparable my love, dont ever forget that. "

All of the patients were escorted to their cells for their bedtime. As soon as you hear the hourly beep for 9:00 pm you keep track of time for 30 minutes. Focusing on every minute to second that passes by from the top of your head you prepare for your act, knowing that Kit is more then ready. You soon hear familiar deep coughs from the right side of your cell, knowing it was time. As you begin coughing harshly you hear keys jingling down the hallway unlocking a cell. Knowing you were next you continue coughing almost making yourself throw up.

"Y/N! What is going on in there?!" You hear a familiar feminine voice question in concern. "I- I can't breath! My stomach is killing me!" you continue your act, pretty impressed in yourself. The lady opens your cell and your heart automatically skips a beat at the sight of your lover alongside the nun, smirking slightly in between coughs.

Each step you took down the soundless hallway to the nurses was raising your heartbeat by the second not losing the tension Kit's aurora gave you.

When you all arrived at the nurses office and sit down for a few seconds, Nurse decides to break the silence. What the hell is wrong with you two? It's literally bedtime." she questions in annoyance. You silently chuckle hearing the word "hell" come out of a nun's lips. "I don't know, I suddenly wasn't able to breath properly and my stomach started hurting really bad." Kit says in "pain" mimicing your words. "And you?" the nurse asks pointing at you with her black pen decorated with a little cross. "I feel the same way. All I ate was the buttered toast, I dont usually feel like this." You add the fact that you ate the toast to make your lie far more believable. "I ate the toast too. It seemed like nobody wanted them so I gave it a try." Kit adds, completing the perfect lie.

"Second time this week the chefs' failed once again at their job. I apologize on their behalf.. I'll get you some pain relieving pills. Give me a sec." The nun apologizes heading to the big creaky door towards the basement where all medications were in storage.

I look over at Kit nerviously, who's sitting on the patient bed, uncuffed surprisingly. He seemed so excited and just overall ready to destroy your guts. "Aren't we going?" you ask perplexed to the fact he's just sitting there smiling not moving a muscle. "Escape rules 101: Leave five seconds after your kidnapper, or you'll get caught. Boom!" You giggle at his words aware he made it all up, still taking it into advice though. "Five, four, three, two.. one! Run Y/N runnn!" he insists.

Kit grabs your hand soft but steady as he drags you down another hallway towards the girl's bathroom. Warm air kissing the both of your faces as you glide down hallway to hallway with your favorite person in hand, smiling and giggling, pure ecstasy and excitements on your faces, as you arrive at your destination.

"Check if the stalls are empty on your left im checking on my right, babe" you smile at the sudden nickname Kit had put on you and proceeded to follow his commands giving him a quick thumbs up from the other side of the bathroom signaling him that the coast was clear, he does the same.

You choose the stall furthest from the door pulling Kit in with you locking it immediately "So now what?" Kit teases almost as if he were to be taunting you, acknowledging your need through your eyes. "You tell me." you attempt to tease back. "What if I show you?" he whispers, leaning into your neck. "Show me then.." you whisper back suddenly gasping at the sudden touch of Kit's delicate pink lips against your neck. His soft kissing, licking and sucking against your neck making your core wet by the second. Becoming stressed from his soft teasing you grab his jaw gentley, leading his lips to your own.

As you two kiss passionately you feel his tongue silently asking for enterance which you allow, the makeout now becoming intense. You feel his hands suddenly lifting your gown, sliding your underwear to the side, looking you in the eye with question for consent which you also allow. Kit begins rubbing your wetness delicately as he slowly inserts a finger inside making you whimper in pleasure grabbing onto his strong masculine shoulders. With now two fingers in your core, you begin jacking off Kit through his well fitted sweats producing a light angelic moan to fall out of his lips. You decide to quickly undress him teasing his member devilishly.

"Now you'll have to finish what you started gorgeous." Kit whispers reffering to your teasing on his. You drop down to your knees slowly tracing your fingers down his body, stopping right below his belly button making him groan deeply in need. "So needy for me, baby" you tease as you suck his member whole causing him to grip your thick hair for support. The combination of your moans vibrating on his now soaked member and your massaging on his balls, made his release speed up more then ever.

"Im cl- close Y/N.. You're doing such a good job for me" he praises while nutting in your mouth which you swallow quickly, avoiding the slight bitter taste. Kit picks you up with no notice and leans you against the stall you both shared slowly sliding his member past your submerged folds. You moan instantly at the feeling of Kit's cock filling you up completely hitting your g-spot everytime. You're both breathlesss in the moment, your loud moans echoing through the flickering lights of the bathroom, holding onto his shoulders for support your arms wrapped around his muscular sweaty waist.

"F-fuck Kit. Im cu-.." not being able to finish your words due to the amazing sensation you were feeling on your core, you feel instantly empty as Kit pulls out of you to finish your high with his mouth.

Kit tongue fucks you, and licks between your folds to finally sucking on your clit liberating your release in his mouth which he sucks up every drop of. Your body collapses onto his still trying to process the intense moment you both divided.

"I love you, Y/N" Kit lovingly says while lookin down at you with innocent eyes. "I love you too, Ki-"

Getting brutally interrupted you hear screaming "Where the hell are you two!" you both hear the nurse, footsteps running up and down the hallways. You quickly get dressed and kiss Kit your goodbyes as he flies past the huge door into the boys' bathroom which luckily was right next to the girls'.

"I-Im here!" you manage to scream back, sticking two fingers down your throat forcing yourself to throw up. "I just got really sick and needed to throw up, sorry." you apologize looking up at the lady who's eyes were boiling in anger. You were pretty sweaty, hair tousled, and hands were shaky. Made your lie pretty believable. "Where's kit?" nurse asks calmly this time now that she's found you. "Im not too sure I think he ran to the boys' room, he got really red and well ran out, seemed sick also." You manage to convince.

Nurse walks out, disgusted by your view heading into the boys' room in which she's not allowed into. You jump at the scary sounds Kit made from the other side of the wall, relieved you two had mentally communicated the same plans.

Managing to clean yourself up a bit you hear hard knocking on the girls' bathroom door. You timidly open up to the view of nurse and Kit. Relieved you smile to yourself a little, Kit realizes and taps on you playfully.

"You're it, loser."

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