#don’t know if that’s worsening my anxiety but it definitely could be

[ice-block]

BTW general advice if you struggle with anxiety or depression always make sure you get your blood checked for thyroid dysfunction and vitamin deficiencies (specifically vitamin D and iron) because a lot of the time the symptoms for those things can mimic anxiety and/or depression extremely closely!

[moonstruckme]

hii!! i love ur blog lol. i saw ur requests were open and i thought maybe id send one in! no pressure at all to do it, thank you for writing what you write (it’s really comforting!) i was wondering if you could do poly!marauders with a reader who is overworking herself for exams/college stuff and is hiding from her boyfriends because she knows they’ll be stern with her and make her take a break? so she tries to evade them but they foil her evil little plan lol. maybe like dom!remus… i’m obsessed w him.. just an idea!!!! have an amazing day 🩷

Thanks for requesting, hope you have an amazing day too!

cw: d/s dynamics to be found if you want them to be, mostly they're just bossy

poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 814 words

There are nice voices seeping into your consciousness. Soft, comforting. You snuggle into the gentleness of their familiar hum. 

Something moves from underneath your face. You start to open your eyes, slow and reluctant, and when the something is gone your face lands in a warm palm. It feels safe, easy enough to settle into, but as you’re about to let yourself slip away again it strokes its thumb over your cheek. 

“Angel.” James’ voice sounds almost like he’s trying not to laugh. He thumbs your cheek again. “Angel, hey.” A pause. “She doesn’t seem to want to wake up.” 

“She’s awake,” Sirius says. You feel his hand sweep across your shoulder blades. “Come on, sweetness. This is no place to spend the night.” 

You make a disgruntled, whiny sound you’d never allow in full consciousness. Your eyes peel open. 

“There she is.” Sirius rubs your back encouragingly.

You blink blearily in the sickening fluorescent light of the library. James is squatting at face-level in front of you, his expression somewhere between fond and pitying, while Remus stands behind him with your backpack over his shoulder. You can see Sirius peering down at you in your periphery, his hand still moving over your back as though to keep you from falling back asleep. 

There doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. It must be late. 

“Oh, no,” you groan, forcing yourself up. Your neck and back crackle as you straighten, making James cringe. 

“I agree,” Sirius says smoothly. “I too would be devastated if I traded a warm and cozy bed with my loving boyfriends for a hard, cold desk. But don’t be embarrassed, there’s still time to make things right.” 

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” You press the heels of your hands into your eyes, trying to rub wakefulness into them. “I…where’s my laptop?” 

“I have it,” says Remus. 

“I need it.” 

“You’ll get it back tomorrow.” 

A slow, heavy anxiety laces your bloodstream. “But I have to finish…” 

“Dove.” Remus’ voice is stern, though not unkind. “You have to sleep first. At home.”

You blink, your brain still lagging. “But…” 

“Sweetheart, c’mere.” James takes your face in his hand, angling you towards him. He brushes his thumb over the corners of your eyes, then smiles at you. “There. Sorry, you had crusties. Ready to go?” 

“I…” 

“Let’s go, babe.” Sirius winds an arm around your waist, hauling you up with him. “It’s definitely bedtime.” 

James chuckles. “Seems like it. Poor love.” 

“What about my stuff?” 

“I’ve got it, dove,” Remus reminds you. He frowns. “When was the last time you slept?” 

You think back. “Last night.” Was it really only last night? It feels eons ago. 

“But for how long?” 

“Uh…” you wince. “I dunno, a couple hours.” 

James makes a low pitying sound, and Remus’ frown worsens. On some level, you know you’d known they would react like this. Probably, you’d even known they were right. It was why you’d been spending as little time at home as possible, catching twenty-minute power naps in library chairs and avoiding your boyfriends. 

“Sweetheart,” Remus sounds tired himself, and guilt sprouts behind your ribcage, “you can’t run yourself ragged like this. It’s not sustainable. It’s not going to help with your schoolwork, and it’s awful for you besides. Why are you doing this to yourself?”

You heave a sigh. “I guess I just like living on the edge,” you grumble sardonically. 

Sirius huffs a laugh. He slots a piece of hair behind your ear. “Hey, recklessness is my thing,” he says, kissing your temple. “You need to get your own thing.” 

“Sorry.” 

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Remus chides. “You’ve tried your way, and it’s clearly not working. Right?” 

You’re silent. Then Sirius pinches your side, and you squeak, “Right.” 

“Good girl.” Remus’ tone warms some with amusement. “So we’re going to go home, and you’re going to sleep at least eight hours. Then, after you eat and drink something, you can have your laptop back. Okay?” 

“Okay.” You want to be more reluctant, but the allure of your boyfriends’ evil scheme is too tempting to resist. You don’t have the energy to fight them on it. “Thanks for coming to get me.” 

Remus holds the door open for you all to exit the library. As you pass, he cups your cheek with a small smile. “You’re welcome, dovey.” 

“And maybe during this next round of studying, you could take a break from time to time,” James suggests lightly. “I haven’t had a proper cuddle in days.” 

“Oi!” Sirius’ chin nearly smacks the side of your head as he whips around to see James. “What would you call what we did this afternoon?” 

“Not a proper cuddle. Your elbow has probably left a permanent indent in my stomach.” 

“There are people who would pay for a souvenir like that, Jamie.”

[kozycub]

My history!!

Hey everyone! I know I’ve been promising this post for a while, and I’m sorry for the delay—I’ve been very busy on these days. But here it is!

I’m Ethan, and I want to share my journey with incontinence to build confidence and give you a glimpse into my daily life. Over the past two weeks, adult diapers have been a total lifesaver for me, protecting my clothes and my furniture!

I’ve been dealing with incontinence for almost my whole life. From what I can remember, I’ve always worn diapers at night, and as I outgrew regular ones, my parents refused to keep gettin them and I often woke up to a wet bed. It hasn’t always been this challenging, but it’s definitely had its struggles.

When I was a kid, around six or seven, i used to wear baby diapers, so I wouldn´t wake up in a wet bed. My parents, believing I was doing it on purpose, stopped putting me in diapers. At that time, I didn’t have the money for products like Goodnights or pull-ups, and my parents weren’t very understanding. They thought punishing me would make the problem go away, but that just made things worse.

I spent my preteen years using towels under my sheets. Whenever I got some pocket money, I’d sneak off to the drugstore for overnight mats, terrified of my parents finding out. After all those years, I don’t blame them; they just didn’t know how to handle the situation.

Having friends over or even thinking about sleepovers felt impossible. I wasn’t very social, but I did have a few good friends in elementary school, always keeping my reality as a top secret. Eventually, my parents just let me deal with it alone.

As I entered high school, I focused more on my studies and slowly had fewer accidents—maybe just one or two nights wet per week at most. This continued into college, where I was finally able to work and gain some financial independence. I got my own place and could manage my incontinence on my terms, but it never completely went away.

During that time, I was in a relationship with someone who initially promised to support me. Unfortunately, after a few weeks sleeping together, the reality of my nightly routine was too much for her, and we parted ways.

Each time I dated someone new, I had to come clean about my situation. Some were kind and simply left, while others laughed and ghost me after. I never managed to maintain a relationship for a longer time.

Over time, I met many people, but when it came to our first night together, revealing my situation often led to them ending things. That was until I met my current spouse, who has been my rock throughout this journey.

For a while, accidents were rare, and I thought I could finally ditch the protective mats. But recently, my incontinence worsened, and I found myself back in diapers and now for full-time. It all changed after a particularly embarrassing moment stuck in traffic—I just couldn’t hold it anymore.

This has been a period of new experiences, learning about my body, and working on my self-esteem. I’ve come to accept that I can lead a happy life while wearing diapers to avoid accidents.

Now, I can enjoy family gatherings without anxiety about wetting my pants. Going out to restaurants and public places is no longer a big deal. I can even invite friends over without worrying about embarrassing odors or accidents. After so long, I finally feel like myself again, knowing I’m not any less of a person for managing my incontinence.

I think that’s enough for today! I know I’ve left out some details, but I’m here to answer any respectful questions you might have, please feel free to ask.

Take care, Ethan 💫.

[eight-littlenightmares]

hey, something i feel like is an under-utilized thing in whump writing:

ocd.

i have ocd, and trust me this shit turns you into a real life whumpee.

i just feel like this could be used so many ways. (i think at the end of this post i’ll add list of ideas.)

if you have ocd, use that experience to torture your characters!! it’s so therapeutic actually.

and if you don’t have ocd, you could do some research!! ask a friend or someone on the internet with ocd!! (if they are comfortable being asked) read some ocd posts, and et cetera!!

here are the ocd whump ideas/prompts: (trigger warning btw)

whumper exposing whumpee to their triggers

whumpee eliminating whumpee’s ability to do their compulsions

vegetarian whumpee (one who is vegetarian specifically because of their ocd) only allowed to eat meat

whumper worsening their anxieties by telling them that they’re true

ocd tends to get worse under stress, so whumpee’s ocd would likely grow more and more horrible during their captivity

self-harm based compulsions

whumpee needing to do a compulsion but terrified to disturb/annoy whumper, so they just sit there in rising anxiety, forced to decide between enduring the stress or risking angering whumper

whumper laughing at whumpee’s stress and calling them dramatic/sensitive/irrational

after rescue, whumpee having developed new compulsions from their captivity. could lead to them needing to ask permission from caretaker before eating/using the bathroom, or apologizing frequently, or et cetera.

you don’t even need a whumper. whumpee could just be someone with really bad ocd that functions as their whumper, and caretaker is trying to take care of them and help them recover

anyways, yea, those were my thoughts. if anybody does anything with this definitely let me know, i’d love to see!!

[theorphicangel]

Hey Angel

Congratulations for 500!!! It's always a pleasure to read your works!

For your event, may I request "I don't care if someone sees us. I need you, now." (smut) please?

Thank you so so much and congratulations again <3

thank you so much for requesting!! sorry about my little hiatus but I hope this makes up for it!!

Tags/cw: fem!reader, fingering, nsfw, smut, agoraphilia (public sex)

MINORS + AGELESS BLOGS DNI | 18+

You were growing impatient by the second. The heels of your shoes incessantly tapping the marble floor. Glancing around the room, people were standing around in small groups, light conversations creating a low hum.Searching desperately, you twisted your neck and squinted your eyes, scanning over the sea of unfamiliar faces.

Aha! Target spotted.

There he was, standing next to Erwin, who in comparison, loomed over Levi like a giant. With haste you made your way over to the two who were currently in deep conversation. On seeing you appear, Levi’s face lit up slightly, almost too quick to disregard Erwin midway of his sentence.

For a moment he thought there was something wrong. Really wrong. From the way your arm looped around his and pulled him away from Erwin with nothing more than an apologetic smile that spoke of urgency, Levi had thought that there had been an accident or problem of some sort.

This was definitely not like you.

“What are you doing?” Levi questioned, as you dragged him past numerous groups of people huddled around in light conversation.

“Let’s get out of here.” you replied hastily.

“Already?” He frowned. “But we just got-”

“I know. But I want to go.”

“Are you oka-”

“I’m fine.” you interrupted, leading Levi through the double doors and into the empty hallway.

The large oak doors slowly shut behind you, the world of socialization now hidden away. Only the two of you stood in the solitary corridor and if you tried hard enough you could just about hear the voices of those in the large hall, the melodious clinking of champagne glasses and the persistent squeak of leather shoes traveling.

You’d only managed to drag Levi a few steps before he suddenly paused, halting his steps behind you. Turning, you found his face turning stone cold.

“What’s wrong?”

Concern was evident in his tone, finding your behavior was completely unusual. Normally, on occasions like these he would be the one hinting to leave his work gatherings early, unable to keep on listening to a bunch of bastards talk about money and business deals. He’d leave that up to Erwin.

You hesitate in your reply which only further worsens his anxiety for you. Reading this expression on his face you decide that actions will prevail over your words and in drawing closer to him, you close the gap between the two of you, indulging in his husky scent before placing your lips onto his.

It wasn’t just a simple kiss, oh no, if anything it would have led to more right there and then. If he hadn’t caught up to the way your hips grew closer to his, the way your hands fumbled around his waist and the sultry way you groaned as you kissed him fiercely. So fierce, in fact that your hands moved to the lapels of his suit, pulling–no, dragging him until you had your back against the marble stone wall of the hallway.

A soft gasp left your mouth at the coldness of the wall against the back of the thin fabric of your dress.

Parting for oxygen, you had left him breathless, but you needed more. And before you could pull him in for another one of your passionate kisses, he hesitated. Gray eyes casting back to the shut doors that lead to the hall.

You read his mind.

Anyone of Levi’s colleagues could walk out right now and see the both of you. It would be inappropriate, this was a professional event for work, he had a reputation to maintain. Licking your lips you choose to tempt him further, choosing to run the risks of getting caught without shame.

“I don’t care if someone sees us, I need you, now.” you sigh, your tone breathy with a hint of desperation that Levi could sense dripping off you.

“What’s got you in this state hmm?” He glanced down to your lips, an internal war in his mind to prevent himself from kissing them.

“You.”

Levi’s eyes bounced back to your own. “Me?”

You nod, leaning in for another sloppy kiss. As you do so, you grab his hand and with your other free hand, you pull up the side of your dress, guiding his hand underneath for his fingers to coat the soaked underwear you have on.

“You see how wet I am? That’s all because of you.” you murmur under your breath, your lips brushing against his. Levi leans into the crook of your neck, cursing underneath his breath and already you can feel his hard on rub against you.

“You’re the fucking death of me, you know that right?”

A small giggle left your mouth and you figured right now, Erwin would be making his speech, thanking everyone for coming to the annual gala. Totally unaware that the two of you have just disappeared from the room.

“What do you want?” Levi asks. His tone is dark with his eyes still peering down to your lips.

“You.” And your eyes gleamed as the word left your mouth, just from your gaze he knew how much you had wanted it.

Slowly, Levi’s fingers pulled your soaked underwear to the side and an audible sigh left your mouth, your warm exhale landing on his neck. His fingers traced over your cunt, soon coating themselves in your slick.

“What if someone sees this hmm?” Levi proposed, “Imagine somebody walking out now and seeing how needy you are for me?”

“Good. All the better to show that I belong to you.” you whisper back, a taunting smile on your face.

“All for me, huh?” he questions, still tracing his fingers over your wet pussy. He soon finds your pulsing clit and traces slow, languid circles with his fingers which cause you to let out a soft whine in pleasure.

“All for you.” You repeat, unable to stop your voice from shaking as he continues his slow pace. “I dare you to make me cum right here.”

The words slipped from your mouth before you could even think about it. Feeling proud that you managed to take this risk right now only boosted your ego. Plus, you know that Levi Ackerman would never back down from a dare.

“So demanding.” Levi murmurs. “Be careful with what you wish for, sweetheart.” He warns before leaning in to place a kiss on your lips, his fingertips gradually increasing the speed of his circles on your clit.

You part away for air, his name leaving your mouth and already you can feel the tension grow in the pit of your stomach and you know you don’t want it to stop.

Verbally, you let him know this.

He continues to create a sensual pace, eager to hear your mewls and whines, your hands bundle at his suit jacket, the tension building up throughout your body.

Lifting your leg to wrap around his hip, you can feel his bulge pressing into you. Now with more freedom, his fingers soon find your entrance and quickly two fingers delve into your throbbing pussy. A whine, louder than before is heard and Levi clasps his hand around your mouth to muffle your moans.

“I need you to be a good girl and stay quiet for me ‘kay?” He whispers in a low tone, “You don’t want anyone to walk out seeing you in this state do you? Not after you just promised that this was all for me.”

You nod feebly, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as his fingers continue to scissor your gummy walls. Your cunt clenched around his fingers, the wetness of your cunt echoes out in the hallway, trails of your juices dripping down your thigh.

If Levi had it his way, he’d be on his knees lapping at it all, not letting them go to waste. But it was risky enough to be in this position anyways, he’d had to save that desire for later.

But god, the way his mouth watered with every sound your pussy made as his fingers stretched you out, already stuffed and he was tempted to add a third. Your eyes roll to the back of your head as you continue to cry out, muffled underneath his hand.

With every plunge into your pussy, your fingertips gripped him even harder, desperate for more.

“Are you gonna’ cum for me?” Levi taunted, watching as your eyes grew wider, your cunt squeezing him tighter when his fingers reached for that sweet spot. He soon added a third that made your thighs begin to shake, one of them around his lower half, drawing him in closer to you.

Levi couldn’t help but release his hand away from your mouth as you reached your climax. He needed to hear, see, witness and observe the way he made you cum.

A single deep thrust of his fingers was all that was needed to make you spiral. Your body jerked with your lips spewing out an endless prayer of “I’m cumming, I’m cumming, I’m cumming.”

The words soon died on your tongue, as your body reached a state of euphoria, soon buried by incoherent mumbles.

With a kiss on your forehead, Levi praised you, removing his fingers which were coated in your release. Letting the front half of your dress fall back down, his coated fingers find a way into his mouth. He sucks hard, a groan at the bitter taste of your juices.

This is only a small taste of what he truly wants.

An appetizer, a teaser even.

Perhaps, he’s willing to take the risk of tasting the full meal right here, right now.

No.

He’d rather wait. Maintain his patience.

After all…he prefers to save the best part till last.

reblogs are much appreciated!!

angel’s 500 event masterlist

[scarabsinthestardust]

Tender // Ch. 3

MASTERLIST

word count: 1600+

CHAPTER WARNINGS: descriptions of child abuse; religious violence; language; anxiety; jealousy; arguing; brief suicidal/homicidal ideations; undiagnosed unspecified mental illness

When newborn babies are baptized, the process typically involves the priest or minister sprinkling or pouring the blessed water over the infant, while announcing the baptism ‘in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.’ In Eastern Orthodox and Eastern Catholic traditions, the child is fully immersed in water, which seems dangerous, but recorded events of injury or death during the ritual are rare, to say the least. It’s generally safe for the child, barring any complications or underlying issues. But when the young boy’s mother mentioned baptism, her intentions were much more sinister.

He'd heard the water running as the bathtub was filled. He was told not to be afraid, that fear was the Devil’s work. He was ordered to behave, and do as he was told, and he would be cured. He wasn’t sick, he wanted to argue, but he knew better. Talking back would only worsen his punishments; he rubbed a sore spot on his jaw and waited for his mother to call him.

The bathroom was humid, the air thick, and the mirror fogged up. Wisps of white steam could be seen rising from the water’s surface. He wanted to be obedient. Maybe they’d love him, then. But still, he hesitated, provoking Mother’s anger. She grabbed him, her too-long fingernails leaving marks on his arms, and dragged him to the edge of the tub. She lifted him, far from gently, and plunged him into the hot water. The boy screamed as it scalded his bare skin. He instinctively fought in an attempt to be released, every nerve in his body protesting against the pain. He was only a child though, and he was no match for the grown woman that held his small frame against the bottom of the basin. And he wasn’t able to stop her from forcing his head under, nor was he able to prevent the burning in his chest as his lungs begged for air.

~

I knew that dating, and falling for, a famous rock star would come with its fair share of difficulties. When they went on tour last time, our relationship was still new and I was still in the process of finding my footing, so it was easier. I expected all the attention that he would be showered with anytime we were out in public. Whenever he posted a new picture on social media, the comments section would blow up, countless women publicly expressing their desire to get Josh in their bed. Those are easier to brush off and not take too seriously, but it irked me regardless.

Today has been especially annoying. This is the third person who has approached him for a photo. I know I’m glaring at this dumb, starry-eyed girl who’s interrupting our day together, fawning over him like a lovesick puppy. It’s disgusting. And what makes it worse is that Josh dishes it right back. He’s all excited smiles, more than happy to meet a fan. He throws his arm around her shoulder and poses as her friend snaps the picture, then plants a kiss on her cheek. I think the girl might cry, and I’m silently hoping she trips and eats shit on the concrete.

I don’t say another word until we get to the car. I start it and grip the steering wheel before Josh rests his hand on my thigh.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

He’s so clueless and it only makes me angrier. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Liar.” Yeah, that’s all I am, isn’t it? “Tell me.”

I clench my jaw and pull out onto the road. If I say what’s on my mind it likely will only make things worse, so I keep my mouth shut, hoping he’ll drop it. But he continues to pester me until I can’t ignore him. “If you want to talk so bad, why don’t you hit up your new girlfriend?”

After a moment, he does something I don’t expect and laughs. Why can’t he ever take anything seriously? “Are you joking? You’re pissed off because you’re jealous of a fan?”

“I’m not jealous.” I most definitely am. “You kissed her.”

“On the cheek! I kiss a bunch of my fans on the cheek!”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

He laughs again, but this time it’s out of exasperation as he crosses his arms and turns to look out the passenger side window. “That’s fucking stupid,” he mutters.

“Okay, yeah, I’m sorry that I don’t want to watch my boyfriend flirt with everything on two legs,” I bite back.

“Oh my God, could you be anymore dramatic? I’m not flirting with anyone, so stop acting like an asshole.”

Here we go. I’m the asshole. Make me out to be the bad guy. Am I being a bit unreasonable and possessive? Probably. But it makes my blood boil when strangers think they have the right to touch him. He doesn’t belong to them. He doesn’t see the issue, like it’s all just a big joke to him. I consider that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and my grip on the steering wheel tightens so much my hand is beginning to ache.

I see a box truck in the opposite lane of traffic, and for a split second, I wonder how much damage it would do if I turned the wheel, just enough. But I shake it off and push it away. That would be outrageous. I don’t really want to hurt him.

I don’t trust myself to speak again, so I keep my focus on the road. The silent treatment only pisses him off more, which I expected. Josh is a fighter; he always has to have the last word, and he hates being ignored. I do just that, though, and he’s fuming by the time we get back to his house. I think it’s best if we give each other some space, so I don’t go inside with him. I drop him off and keep driving, mostly to calm myself down, partially to evaluate why I’m angry and if it’s even worth it.

It’s not. Josh is right, and it’s a stupid thing for me to be upset about. Still, I’m unable to shut off the voice in my head that says he’ll never truly be mine. I know he won’t change, and I know if I want to keep him, I need to bite my tongue and swallow these raging insecurities. I think about walking away, letting him off the hook so he can be fully free, but the thought makes me want to vomit.

As much as I try to reel it in, my mind keeps going back to that girl, and the two before her. I create scenarios in my head about Josh while he’s on tour, crawling into bed with any person who bats an eyelash in his direction. I’m imagining him letting other men touch him, kiss him, fuck him. And the deeper I dive into my own fears, the worse it gets. Then the guilt sets in. I’m beating myself up over how I’ve treated him. I’m ashamed of myself for not being able to trust him; he’s never given me any reason not to. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m fully aware that my personal issues and inability to trust people is not Josh’s fault, and there’s no reason to take it out on him. My internalized precarity, and maybe a trace of narcissism, makes it difficult for me to admit when I’m wrong. I refuse to take the blame where I probably should. But I know if I have any chance of saving what I have with Josh, I need to suck it up and apologize, even if it’s all pretend.

~

I give him time to cool off and give myself time to get my thoughts in order. I need to have a plan. Later in the evening, I text and ask if I can swing by to talk. He answers immediately. ‘Of course,’ like he thinks it’s a dumb question, like he’s not even mad anymore.

I’m wrong about that. When he lets me inside, he stands in the living room with his arms crossed, watching me expectantly. Oh. He’s waiting for an apology. I should have known he wouldn’t be the first to cave. He doesn’t think he should have to apologize. I don’t really think I should either, but I swallow my pride.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I acted like a jerk.” I’m intentionally trying to look remorseful, even though I don’t feel it.

 “Yeah, you did.”

I’m tempted to bite back and start another fight, because fighting is easier than whatever this is. But again, I push down the urge. “I was jealous, and I know it was stupid. I won’t happen again.” It feels like an empty promise, because I know I can’t really guarantee it, but I can try.

“Thank you.” He’s thanking me for the apology itself, but I’m not sure it’s something he should be grateful for. He drops his arms and closes the distance between us. I grab his waist and pull him against me as soon as I have the opportunity. He doesn’t resist. “I can’t help it, ya know. Physical touch is my love language, and I love getting to meet people. But I’d never purposefully do anything to hurt you, Finn. I love your stupid face too much. And no matter how many fans I get to interact with, you’re the one I’m coming home to.”

I don’t know what I expected but it isn’t that. Even when he’s irritated with me, he’s so loving. His words help to reassure me, and my own anger seems to melt away. I’m not entirely sure what it means that he can diffuse that bomb so effortlessly. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out, and all the strangeness will start to make sense.

I place a gentle hand on his cheek and kiss him softly. “I love you, too.”

///

TAGLIST (let me know if you want to be added!)

@hollyco @fleetingjake @musicislove3389 @hailthegodsong @josh-iamyour-mama

[fanficshiddles]

The Cure, One Shot

Thank you for the prompt: If I could be anon please. A young woman is sent to the doctor for hysteria, Doctor Hiddleston knows just the cure for that. Non-con please.

WARNINGS: Rape/Non con!!

-

You were terrified as you waited in the doctor’s waiting room for your appointment. What didn’t help was it was the end of the day, so you were the last one there, aside from whoever was in with the doctor at the moment.

Even the receptionist was getting ready to head home, no doubt as soon as you were finished, she would be out the door.

Your anxiety was through the roof as it was, you hated having to talk to people in general. Especially about a problem that was… slightly intimate.

But your anxiety worsened when you saw the patient before you leaving a room, followed by the doctor. It was a male doctor. You had specifically asked for a female doctor when you made the appointment, briefly saying it was an intimate type of issue to the receptionist.

You were twirling your fingers around in your lap as the doctor spoke briefly to the receptionist, sending her home since it was already late. As his appointments had run over, that he would lock up. That’s when it clicked, you realised it was Doctor Hiddleston. He owned half of the practice.

Doctor Hiddleston looked over at you and smiled warmly as he said your name. ‘Come right through.’ He motioned to his room.

You hesitated big time, wanting to just run out the door instead. But you took a deep breath and put on your big girl pants, he was a professional after all. There was nothing to worry about. You needed to get this issue sorted out sooner rather than later. Besides, he looked nice and his voice was quite soothing, which put you at ease a little bit.

So you headed into the room and he followed you in and shut the door. He motioned for you to sit down as he sat at the desk.

‘I’m Doctor Hiddleston. There’s no need to be nervous, I’m here to help.’ He said kindly as he turned to face you with a warm smile and clasped his hands together. ‘What seems to be the problem?’

You gulped hard before responding. ‘I uh… well, I’m not really sure.’ You looked down at your hands in your lap, fiddling your fingers about nervously. ‘My anxiety seems to be getting worse… I also have been feeling super restless and not been sleeping great. I’ve been getting hot flushes too, mostly at night. My stomach is often sore. But my uh… my periods are all out of whack, there’s no pattern to them anymore.’ Your face felt like it was on fire as you told him.

He nodded and hummed as he listened. ‘Do you have a partner?’

‘No… Not for about a year.’

‘Ok, are you sexually active? Or have you been since?’ He asked.

Your eyes widened a little at that question. You shook your head.

He turned to his computer for a moment and typed a few notes, then turned back to face you with a serious look. ‘I think I now exactly what the problem is. You’ve got hysteria.’

‘What?!’ You gasped, horrified. ‘I… I thought… there was no such thing?’

Doctor Hiddleston chuckled gently. ‘Hysteria is most definitely real, I’m afraid. You have classic symptoms of it. But there’s no need to worry at all, it’s a very easy cure. It might take a few visits, but you will find after this appointment there’s a big difference.’

He stood and walked over to the door, your stomach twisted in fear as he locked said door. Then he went to the examination table and smoothed out a fresh sheet.

‘Come and make yourself comfortable here.’ He patted the table.

‘What… What is the cure?’ You asked, your voice trembling.

‘It’s a simple job, some external stimulation to release some of the tension. Or in simple terms, an orgasm.’ He smiled.

You rose from your chair and began moving towards the door as you shook your head. ‘I… I don’t think… No thank you… I will think it over, perhaps.’ As you reached the door, even though you knew it was locked you still tried the handle. Panic began setting in when you realised for certain you wouldn’t get out.

Hiddleston tsked and began rolling up the sleeves of his shirt. ‘Come now, you need to do as you’re told or you’ll never get better. It won’t hurt, I promise.’

‘This can’t be right, surely, it’s outdated. Please.’ You whimpered.

‘Are you really questioning my many years of training?’ He asked in a firm tone. You said nothing in response.

‘Get on the table. Don’t make this worse for yourself. I will not have a patient of mine leave here without proper treatment, do you know how damaging that would be to my reputation? So we can do it the easy way, or the hard way. It’s down to you.’ He growled at you.

Your whole body was shaking badly as you hesitantly made your way over to the table. You felt like you were going to be sick as you clambered on and lay down on your back.

‘That’s a good girl. Wasn’t so difficult now, was it?’ He said with a smile as he stroked your ankle. You were really regretting wearing a skirt now.

He put some stirrups into place and one at a time, put your foot into them and to your horror, restrained them in place with a strap around your ankle.

‘Please, I don’t like this.’ You whimpered, but he completely ignored your plea.

When he picked up a pair of scissors, you thought the worst. But he used them to cut off your knickers, which was horrifying enough. You tried closing your legs but couldn’t because of the stirrups.

‘Stop! Please! Just let me go!’ You sat up and tried to reach down to free yourself, but with a short wrestle he was able to capture both of your hands in his large ones.

That’s when you realised how strong he was as he easily pinned your hands down above your head, and he restrained them with his belt, tying them to the table on a bar that was just underneath.

‘I did offer the easy way. This is your own fault. But you will feel better after the treatment, I guarantee it.’ He said gruffly as he moved back down to the bottom of the table, between your legs. You were spread open and so vulnerable to him.

He spent a moment looking at you down there, spreading your lips apart and sliding his finger around. He put some lube onto his fingers and spread them over you, making you gasp a little and your body jolt when he brushed across your clit.

A wicked smirk spread on his lips as he repeated the movement, earning the same reaction.

‘Yes, most definitely a case of hysteria. You are very sensitive, which is a classic symptom. No need to worry, this is easy to fix. However, with you being so anxious I think you need a more specific kind of treatment. Something that toys won’t be able to do.’ He slowly circled your clit with his thumb and just as slowly inserted a finger into you, pushing through your tightness because of how tense you were.

‘What do you mean?’ Your voice was high pitched as you tried to squirm away from his touch. But you got no explanation yet.

He continued circling your clit, then inserted a second finger into you and he took his time exploring inside you. Twisting his fingers this way and that, to your horror he was starting to make you feel really good… Too good.

But it became unbearable when he curled his fingers in just the right way and in a come-hither motion, he rubbed across your g spot firmly. Between that and the clit stimulation, your mind was shutting down. Even as you continued to plead with him to stop. You felt so violated.

You started sobbing just as he made you cum, the confusion was horrible. Your mind was completely against what he was doing, but your body was begging and screaming for more. He kept stroking you through your orgasm, making the pleasure heighten to something you’d never felt before. You weren’t sure if your tears were from the assault or the pleasure.

‘That’s it. Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?’ He grinned widely.

You turned your head to the side away from him as tears fell down your cheek. You were so relieved when he removed his fingers from you.

You thought it was over. But it was far from over.

You heard rustling and as you looked down, you began struggling again. He was undoing his trousers and pulling his cock out, to your horror he was already hard and he stroked himself a few times, aiming right at your cunt.

‘As I said, your case is quite far advanced. You need a thorough fucking to feel better, plus your body is craving to be bred. So that’s what we need to give it.’

No! NO! Please, no! Stop, I’m begging you! I won’t tell anyone, just stop. Please! I’m cured. It’s fine!’ You were struggling so much that the table was starting to rock.

But Hiddleston tugged you down a little so you were right at the bottom of the table, and he stepped in-between your thighs. You screamed at him to stop, screamed for help, but there was no-one in the building to hear you.

When he pressed the tip of his cock against your soft lips, you tried flailing your legs more, but the stirrups were in place too well. He put his hand firmly on your abdomen, pinning you down to keep you from breaking the table or the stirrups, then he pushed into you. Excruciatingly slowly, inch by inch, making you feel all of him.

‘Please.’ You sobbed, but it was pointless. He was taking you, whether you wanted it or not. There was absolutely nothing you could do.

‘Ohh, so tight. It has been a while.’ He growled as he started thrusting into you at a decent pace, no doubt bruising your poor insides. He was a large man too, in every aspect of the meaning. So you felt him in places you’d never felt before.

Annoyingly, he was hitting your g spot with every stroke, and it got worse when he started rubbing your clit again with his thumb.

‘You will feel so much better after this.’ He grunted between thrusts. Sweat was beading on his forehead as he pounded into you, dragging out this nightmare.

When you realised that he was about to cum inside you, you just cried even more. Knowing there was no point pleading him to stop, because there was no way he was going to.

‘Think of it as I’m putting out the fire inside of you, darling.’ He panted and forced you to cum again on his cock with a well angled thrust and firm rub of your clit.

As you cried out in a mixture of pleasure and emotional pain, he came too from the way your body naturally squeezed around him, wanting him to do exactly what he was about to.

He came inside you, in abundance. You could feel him filling you up and it felt like he was never going to stop. He was trembling as he stared you down with a wicked grin, he thrust slowly a few more times for good measure, causing some of his sperm to seep out of you, you could feel it dribbling down onto the sheet underneath.

‘That’s it. See, that wasn’t such a horrible treatment, was it?’ He asked as he pulled out of you and sorted himself out.

You couldn’t speak, couldn’t even look at him. Even as he undid your restraints, you just lay there.

He barked your name, making you jump. You reluctantly did turn your head to look at him. He gripped your chin and brushed his thumb against your cheek as fresh tears escaped.

‘Shhh, shhh. No need for that, because you don’t need to worry. I know you feel better already, and after a few more sessions you will be fighting fit again.’

He saw the look of horror that crossed your face.

‘And remember, I know where you live. So I can easily organise home visits for the remaining treatments… And don’t forget, I have a wonderful reputation in this city, it would be a shame if someone was to try and spoil that over something so silly. Especially when she enjoyed it so much, too. Cumming all over my cock like a little whore.’ He growled deeply.

You knew that was his way of warning you. And you knew he was right, there was no way you’d be able to tell anyone that would believe you. Plus, he really did know where you lived, he had access to all of your information. What if he was more dangerous than you thought? There was no way you could risk it…

‘Now, head off home and relax. You should sleep well tonight.’ He unlocked the door then opened it. ‘If there’s anymore issues, just give me a call.’

Even though your legs were completely jelly, you scrambled off the table and ran out of the room.

‘I’ll see you in a week’s time for the second round of treatment.’ He called after you as you fled from the building.  

[idontplaytrack]

You Don’t Know Me

Capri Donahue x fem! reader

Warnings: coarse language, angst, fluff, mentions + descriptions of disordered eating due to anxiety, fear of choking

In which, reader is stubborn, but Capri was a thousand times worse. They fit perfectly like pieces of a puzzle but still seemed like they were fighting fire with fire

Ngl I wrote this for myself to give myself some closure for what I had to deal with while going through this crap I’m about to share below the cut— inspired by my own experience but not 100%. I ramble a lot & the formatting is terrible so before I fix it, ignore the mess🧍‍♀️ its also very unpolished but thought I’d share anyway

Monday. First day of the week- you felt right as rain. Happily, you got ready for school and drove to Capri’s to pick her up so that the two of you could head to school together. “Good morning!” Capri greeted you cheerfully, smooching you on the cheek when she got into the front with you.

“Hi.” You smiled, starting to drive away from her house.

For the past seven months, this has become the routine. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you picked her up. Tuesdays and Thursdays, Capri picked you up. None of this was set in stone— or rather, verbally confirmed at all. It just happened and both of you went along with it. And it worked. Of course, on weekends however, it depended on what either of you would’ve planned.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Amazing, actually. Got enough.” You chuckled over your words.

The day zoomed by expectedly, without a hitch. After school, you went to Capri’s and spent the night. You had quite the restless sleep that night, feeling your head begin to hurt. Oh, boy. That wasn’t good.

The next day, though you woke up with a bit of a headache, but you pushed through— keeping it to yourself, though when Capri asked if you were okay. Capri being Capri, didn’t take your word for it and asked again. You insisted and she got pissed off. By lunchtime, the headache worsened, and you started to have a cough. “Still gonna tell me you’re okay?” Capri asks, her brows raised in suspicion.

You ignored her, biting into the dry sandwich on your lunch tray. She does the same, focusing her lunch instead of you. You looked ahead, your eyes losing focus trying to zone out and tune out the chatter of the cafeteria that was definitely worsening your mood and your headache. The school bell tolls eventually, you got rid of your tray and went your separate ways to your respective classes after lunch. You had calc while Capri had bio class— with Darby, who was actually your best friend in school.

You tried to drink more water, hoping it’d alleviate your pain, but it did not. You saw Capri again. And Darby, after calc, in gym class. The teacher made you all run laps as a warm up and admittedly, you felt like you could have passed out, thrown up or both. But you kept together until the last minute, you asked for permission to go to the restroom and just sat inside until it was time to change out of the attire. After that, you ditched. You got to Capri’s and drove your car back home. And once you got back home, you immediately crawled into bed and slept.

Capri obviously couldn’t find you at all, and what did she do? Complained to Darby. “I think she’s more stubborn than you are.” Darby scoffs. “How’s that helpful?”

“Since when did you ask for my help?”

“You’re her best friend- you can’t get through to her?”

“For what? She’s just sick and stubborn.”

“So I’m just supposed to let her ignore it until she faints?”

Darby laughs, “She’s clearly ditched school. Where do you think she’d go? We know she’s coming down with something. She’ll be fine, she knows what to do.”

“Yeah, everything but tell me she’s not feeling well. Is it so bad to have me take care of her?”

“Like you would tell her if you were sick.” Darby cackled.

“Not my point.”

“This is exactly my point. You’re both so damn stubborn but right now, it’s time for you push that aside and be…gentle with her. Once she’s not sick anymore, squabble all you want. If you push her, she’s just going to shove you back. But that’s not what she needs right now and you know it.”

“Damn, thanks.” Capri pondered over Darby’s words.

————

Capri went over to your house after school. Knowing you well enough, she knew you’d be in bed so she trudged upstairs immediately. There you were, wrapped under the covers and asleep. At least you were getting some rest, she thought.

She felt your forehead with the back of her hand, “You’re a little warm.” She was mumbling to herself but you still kinda stirred in your sleep anyway, turning away from her but still wrapped tightly in your blanket, though. Grabbing a face towel from your closet, she ran it under the tap, wrung it dry and folded it small enough so that she could place that on your forehead. Which was hard considering how you were almost sleeping on your side. After making sure that it would stay put, she retrieved the thermometer and carefully placed it in your ear so that she could figure out what your temperature was.

“Go away, I’m fine.” You mumbled in your sleep.

“No, you are not. Please stop fighting me on this. It’s okay to need help.” Capri sighs softly, taking a look at the reading before putting it back in the cupboard. When she returned, you were lying on your back, eyes barely open.

“You don’t have to take care of me.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Capri bit the inside of her cheek, taking a deep breath, “I want to, okay? I don’t mind doing that. Just close your eyes and sleep- don’t let the towel fall off though.”

“It’s fucking cold.” You scoffed.

“Well, it’s either that method or the medication. Take your pick.” Admitting defeat but staying silent, you fell back asleep soon afterwards. Capri took this time to tidy up your room since she had nothing to do other than sit around and wait for you to wake up again. Not that there was much for her to actually tidy up either, but at least it kept her occupied for a bit.

Things were peaceful until it got to dinner. You refused to eat but she forced you. “I don’t want to.”

“You haven’t eaten anything since lunch and we know it.”

“Capri, I don’t know if you remember, but right now, whatever I try to eat or drink makes it feel like I’m getting water up my nose each time.” That was the most ridiculous sounding statement you’ve said all day but it was the truth. It was a problem that you were dealing with for the last month or so and doctor after doctor said nothing was wrong. Typical.

“The doctors said everything was normal, so can you try and eat something for god’s sake?” Capri inhales sharply, losing her patience towards the end. You looked at her, hurt as tears pricked at your eyes. Pursing your lips together, you got off the barstool and went into the backyard.

Capri knew she’d just fucked up, and usually you’d understand her frustration but being sick? You couldn’t think of anything.

She found you quickly, sitting down on the lounge chair next to yours. “I’m sorry.” She apologizes. You simply avoided her, going upstairs next. Capri huffs exasperatedly while you reentered the house. Her mind wanders back to two months ago at a party where the reason for your current struggle took place- you were choking on something and no one really noticed. You could’ve died that day if James didn’t happen to walk up to you to ask if you’d seen Darby anywhere. Where was Capri when it happened? She went to the bathroom and you just sat on the couch to have some snacks, but some asshole decided that it’d be funny to sneak up on you and scare you so that happened.

When Capri returned, you immediately started to bawl, asking to go home. She looked at James, confused and insanely worried. He told her, and she was dumbfounded. But she took you home and that was never brought up again.

Until recently, the issue with getting you to eat came up. Capri’s mind was racing, part of it worried to death about you, another thinking of what she could actually get you to eat— and how. She was harsh and that was a flaw of hers, which she has been trying to change.

You went back to bed that night, hungry and in tears but terrified to eat. Capri spent the night on the couch, wide awake and checking on you every so often. The next day, she decided to give it another shot. She made you plain oatmeal after a night of thinking- no chewing, no surprises, the consistency seemed safe. You stared at the bowl of goop, tempted and starving. But the fear and anxiety still won. You told Capri no again. And apologised for that, and last night. She doesn’t seem upset or angry, and she doesn’t yell or raise her voice.

“y/n, look at me.” She says. And you do, you locked eyes with her, then she continued speaking, “I’m gonna be right beside you, just in case- please try some oatmeal. Just a little bit. It’s plain, okay? No fruit, flavouring, anything.” You’ve never seen her like this, and it made you even more upset. You wanted to cry, but you wanted to eat something even more. You reached out to grab the spoon, and you feel Capri’s eyes on you but it didn’t bother you. You stuck the spoon in your mouth and just swallowed reflexively. The aforementioned sensation was felt, but you ignored that and kept eating.

After several weeks of this hell, Capri’s learnt what foods you were even willing to just take a bite of. And the answer was plain food. Actually plain- white bread, plain toast, plain yogurt, and plain oatmeal. Your parents washed their hands off you and called you crazy for it, but Capri understood— the image of how terrified you were was etched into her mind forever. The doctors say there was nothing wrong. Yes, physically. This was more of a mental block…the fear and anxiety of choking on whatever you were eating or drinking, and now for the past week, also the fear and anxiety of having food or drinks ‘going down the wrong way’. The incident made you a hypochondriac and you hated that. You hated that your life flipped upside down you could no longer enjoy the things you used to love. It made you feel incredibly isolated, too.

“You’re okay, baby. Just let your body do what it needs to do. You’re alright.” She says softly. Wordlessly, she got off the stool and went to get you something to drink. She was debating whether or not to play it safe and just give you water, or a smoothie which would be more filling. Capri went with the latter, warning you that she’d be using the blender so you didn’t get scared. This was arguably the most you’ve eaten since the incident and Capri was so, so proud. She knew how hard it was, for obvious reasons. Not to mentioned relieved.

She looked over her shoulder to see how you were doing. You were fine, sitting there and eating but looking a little zoned out. Which she expected since you were feeling under the weather. “Do you have a headache?” Capri asks while pouring the beverage into a glass, then another one for herself. You nod, swallowing a mouthful of the food. “I’m sorry, I can’t anymore.” You pushed the bowl away from you slightly.

“That’s okay, you did good.” She took it away, pushing the glass closer to you then sat back down. She feels your forehead, telling you that you felt warmer now. Regrettably, she suggested the medication for it and sent you into tears. So it was damage control time. Chiding herself internally for her decision, she held you in her embrace, kissing the top of your head. “We’ll stick to the towel, alright? I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. We’ll go get you the liquid kind tomorrow if you still need it.”

————

Several minutes later, you and Capri moved back up to your room. Your head felt like it was getting squeezed, and felt heavy. You felt hot yet was freezing at the same time. You were miserable and definitely needed someone with you and you were glad it was Capri.

You knew people feared her, some looked up to her and even worshipped her like royalty. All for different reasons, but you weren’t afraid of her like they were. That’s what Capri liked about you- your personalities were so similar, though yours was considerably more tamed. Especially in the aspect of being way too truthful. Conversations turned into squabbles and jabs at each other quite a bit, but you knew she loved you and you both were trying to get this habit to die. Laying on your back make your cough worse, and you didn’t feel too comfortable on your side so you got frustrated at climbed out of bed.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” You decided.

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

The shower still felt way too cold for you and you got out of there, fast. Though it felt nice to not be sweaty. You noticed your sheets were changed, and Capri’s just walked into the room. “Are you okay?” She looked at you, hoping you’d be honest about it with her instead of trying to tough it out.

“My head really hurts.” You admit, “I’m fucking congested so my ears are hurting too, I’m coughing like crazy. And that shower, was hot but I was freezing.” She bit back a grin, “Babe, could we both just tell each other if we need some TLC, please?”

You sigh, “I’ll try. I’m just used to not asking for help and grew up learning that I should always be independent.”

“While being independent is a good thing, sometimes depending on someone when you’re down will do wonders.”

“You were right, the doctors were right, my parents are right- it’s all in my head and I need to get over it, but I just- please know I’m tryig.”

“I know you are- I see it but sometimes I still get bitchy which I’m trying to stop doing.”

“You’re the only one who’s believed me all this time since-”

Capri pulls you onto her lap, “Remember that- I’ll always be in your corner. Even when in moments where get bitchy. I want you to know and remember that I care though it may not seem like it at the time.”

Eventually, the cold got too much for you to bear even with a long sleeved top and long pants, so you returned to your cocoon of safety under the covers. “Thank you.” You told her groggily, flinching when she places the cold towel back on your forehead almost too quickly.

“Just rest.” She shushed you.

“You missed school today because of me.” You continued speaking.

“Doesn’t matter.” She assured, her hand on your cheek. “You need the rest, close your eyes and sleep on your side. It should help with the coughing.”

Every day since that night seemed like a fight, some days were worse than others but with Capri by your side, you knew you’d be okay. Slowly but surely.

[ina-nis]

Don’t want to detract or take away from the original post, so I’m making a new one. This is so incredible important and another reason why I feel like AvPD belongs to/is in the schizo-spectrum of disorders.

To give some background: most my experiences with psychotropics were terrible. I got severe side effects, some of which I still haven’t recovered from (and likely will not) and more serious things, such as seizures.

Doctors don’t tell you those things because... well, “these are rare side effects” and “they will pass as you get used to the medication” and “it’s just a matter of adjusting the dosage” and “maybe you need a mix of different medications” and so on.

What was really striking for me was the fact that my symptoms - aka the whole damn reason I was taking those things - didn’t even improve? But I got flooded with negative symptoms. I felt like a zombie on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds always made me sleepy and aloof. I was apathetic and didn’t feel like myself at all, didn’t even feel like a person at that.

Now I can see why. Probably AvPD. I experience a lot of negative symptoms while dealing with this disorder - it’s the whole reason why I try so hard to just... do things. If it were up to my brain, I would just stay still forever. Because I keep on trying, I can “manage” these symptoms, but the flipside is the positive ones (that definitely could benefit from medication).

In the end, I get the “best” of both worlds and try to get by however I can knowing that, for me personally, medication that is supposed to help might not help at all and could cause more symptoms and/or worsen the negative symptoms I already deal with.

If I stop to think about it, that explains why I feel so exhausted and feel like socializing is just a waste of time, there’s no pleasure in it, but there’s a lot of prospective pain, for sure.

That’s also the reason why I mostly can relate more to my Cluster A siblings, since we share a lot of these negative symptoms.

I have not seen literature on AvPD and its isolation as a negative symptom of the schizo-spectrum kind, but mostly as a result of Social Anxiety or Generalized Anxiety. They both can be true and affect different people.

I guess this is a good thing to think about.

[anxiouslyfred]

Dolce Far Niente

Summary: Janus decides Thomas needs to take a break and do nothing for a while They have some issues convincing the other sides to let Thomas do this. 

Authors Note: I got the phrase from ‘An Emotional Dictionary’. I don’t speak Italian nor have I confirmed if this is a phrase actually used beyond reading this book.

/\/\

Janus wasn't above causing a disturbance and setting the mind space on fire to get their own way but they did know when their goals wouldn't be helped by the tactic. As much as they wanted to scream and drag everyone into a big ordeal to get them all to shut the fuck up and let Thomas relax and do nothing for a while, they recognised it would be more effective and probably impactful to tackle each of the sides alone and then take the idea to Thomas.

Remus was their first and easiest target to convince. "Remus, I'm sure whatever chaos you're brewing is vitally important to Thomas's changing content but the imagination is spectacularly dull today. Perhaps you could take some time to put all that biology knowledge Thomas has to use and recreate the effects of global warming and worsening of natural disasters for a day or two." they had barely finished speaking before Remus was gone, items clattering behind him.

Virgil also needed little convincing, especially with the advice he'd give often reverting to avoidance over confrontation when situations became stressful. "I'm not doing whatever you're about to suggest." Virgil stated as soon as he registered Janus entering the room, intent to speak.

"Aha! Foul fiend, your seductions have mo use here. Leave us to our tasks." Roman declared before they could reply, hands gesturing wildly and ending with a dismissive wave.

"But Roman, that's precisely what I want us and Thomas to be doing: nothing. I thought Virgil would be more than willing to indulge in Dolce far niente for an afternoon. He does so enjoy hiding under the covers until the sun goes away." Janus kept their voice soothing, their smirk toeing the line of a relaxed smile as Roman straightened brow furrowing slightly.

Virgil however groaned. "I also know just how much there is to do. It's not going to help to just hide from it."

"But it will help Thomas and yourself to calm down and feel less pressured by whatever tasks there are to accomplish. Isn't that just as important for managing anxiety?" Janus reasoned happily.

"Fine, I'll go look after my spider and play some music. Just be warned I'm staying aware of Thomas and will know if you don't let him relax." Virgil agreed, still glaring at them as he waved to Roman and sank out. 

"Are you truly using Italian phrases in order to justify our rest?" Roman asked, still suspicious but closer to agreeing. 

"Of course. The Italians are very wise in terms of resting when needed and I for one belive Thomas has more than earned some time to enjoy doing absolutely nothing." 

Roman nodded with them now, "And as a prince I do enjoy taking the time to relax from the trials of life. I wish you luck in convincing Patton and Logan of this plan however." with those words he also sank out, leaving Janus to wonder both where Patton and Logan might be as well as of they'd also be swayed by the Italian phrase.

/\/\

Both Patton and Logan's rooms were empty when Janus checked them and neither had been passed when they looked in the common spaces either. They wondered for a moment if they might have visited the imagination but, given Remus was there now, yelling would definitely be heard if Patton had been there. 

Instead of checking for Logan in eir least favourite part of the mind space, Janus decided to quietly check on Thomas. They were sure that with three of his sides relaxing with their versions of doing nothing he'd be more relaxed but instead Thomas felt like he was arguing with himself. 

Two sides unable to be found in his mind would definitely explain that. 

/\/\

“As I was saying Thomas, we really need to get ahead with editing this into a video.” Logan had just cleared eir throat when Janus popped up and kept the pair he was talking to from noticing their arrival.

“But Quinn asked for us to help her with this.” Patton's protest did wonders to explain why Janus's efforts so far that morning hadn't resulted in Thomas relaxing at all. It also made them sigh, alerting the trio to their presence.

Thomas blinked at them for a moment, glancing back to the sides he had been talking to. “Deceit, I'm really not sure lying is going to help me with this issues at all.”

“Wonderful of you not to use my name, Thomas, and no, I would rather suggest that the solution to your confusion would be dolce far niente.” Janus smoothly suggested, only smirking at the confused looks he received in return.

“Are you going to translate that for us, or does Thomas need to get google translate open to fathom out the nonsense his mind creates now?” Logan stated after a moment waiting, eyebrow raised and expectant.

Janus directed a simpering grin to em. “It mean, dear logician, the simple pleasure of doing nothing. Surely you aren't obtuse to just how thinly Thomas has spread himself between yours and Roman's efforts to constantly be furthering his career and Patton's continuous pushing to help every person who happens to cross Thomas's path. The Italian's have given us the solution: dolce far niente.”

“There is no time to just do nothing, Janus. Productivity is key and Thomas needs to maintain it.” Logan lectured, nostrils flaring in annoyance and hands clapping together in front of em once, remaining pressed tight even as ey gestured down with each point ey made.

“And I'm sure he'll be spectacular at maintaining productivity when all his motivation and inspiration is burnt out from constant pushes.” Janus smoothly replied, maintaining their calm seemingly effortlessly. “But aren't you the one who has suggested taking scheduled breaks actually helps to improve productivity afterwards?”

Thomas made a noise of agreement, “Yeah, I could use a break, guys. Between the two of you, it's definitely clear that my dedication to work and desire to look after my friends has got me in two minds over everything I do. Maybe if we try this dolce far niente thing you two could try working together again? Take a break so we can come up with some compromises or something?”

“Gee, if that's what you need, Thomas, why haven't you said sooner? You know we're just trying to help you, kiddo.” Patton immediately jumped to agreeing and questioning.

“You're his emotions, Patton. You should know how Thomas feels without him stating it unless you got so focused on your wishes to help his friends that you've been ignoring that?” Logan stated, before breathing, “As should I have. I'm the one who aids in Thomas's scheduling. I should have noticed that we haven't been taking time to relax enough recently.”

Thomas looked over to Janus now, “Would watching a TV show be okay for this dolce far niente thing? Or do I literally need to sit and do nothing?”

“A TV show you've seen plenty of times definitely would.” They agreed, smiling and sinking out with Logan and Patton as Thomas turned to do just that.

[citrusfield]

“oh, sure, we can do that if you’d like. though i have to ask, when i win — which i will, by the way — do i get a prize other than the right to boast?” it’s inevitable that she’ll eventually be proven right because no matter how difficult things become (and really, how much harder can it possibly get?), she can’t imagine herself ever wanting to push him away. she’s capable of handling little nora alone, she knows that by now, but that doesn’t mean she always wants to do it that way. he’s a part of the family, an integral one at that, and as far as she’s concerned, this is his home too. he’s welcome at any time, any day. “yeah, i think it’s probably safe to say the night we met didn’t end the way either of us expected.” that’s the understatement of the century and it almost makes meredith laugh. “it’s not even something i ever did that often, the whole one night stand thing. it’s no surprise that it doesn’t really come naturally to me, but… i don’t know, i thought you were charming. and handsome. i figured it wouldn’t hurt to let myself throw caution to the wind for once.” turns out it most definitely did hurt, just nine months later in a hospital bed while she tried her hardest not to cry from the pain. “but like you said, everything happens for a reason, right? maybe this is the way things should be.” she’s never typically been one to believe in fate and used to roll her eyes when the mere concept was broached, but what other explanation is there if not predestined? the chances of them meeting were slim already, the possibility of meredith relinquishing a little control for once and stepping outside of her comfort zone even more so; yet something that night made her say yes. she has no idea what her life would look like right now if she didn’t have nora as a result. “i know you’ll do everything in your power to make this better, i don’t doubt that for a second. the comments are… rough and horrible, but they’re at least behind a screen. i can find a way to ignore it if i don’t let my morbid curiosities win. it’s them i’m more worried about.” her head inclines towards the window. “if they really have to know shit about me, fine, but figuring out where we live is different. there’s only a few walls separating them from us, from nora, and as much as i want to believe they don’t mean any real harm, i don’t know that for certain.” it could just be a fascination that drove them here or some type of journalistic desire to be the first to secure an exclusive on his hidden family, but a lot of celebrities live in gated communities for a reason, don’t they? too many fans with far too much nerve knocking on their doors is enough to make anyone retreat. with a quiet sigh, she reaches out to smooth down his unkempt hair that always becomes the first victim of his stress. “coffee probably isn’t the best idea for me considering… well, everything.” unless she actually wants her heartbeat to become any more irregular and her anxieties to worsen, if that’s at all possible. probably best not to risk it either way. “but i think this is enough for now. i don’t need you to do anything other than be here and... well, maybe give me a hug every so often. i would’ve spiralled by now if i was alone. you’re sort of holding me together.”

"oh, so -- shall we make a bet? how many days before you need breathing space...feels like now is the ideal time to test that theory." logan is no fool, he knows there's nothing ideal about this situation whatsoever. however, meredith and nora make him want to try and put a positive spin on everything. he knows it's going to kill him, to read through the comments and see what others believe of meredith, nora and their little family. it doesn't matter how aware he is that they know nothing about it, about them, it's still going to hurt -- the kind of ache the doesn't disappear in a hurry. listening to her words, he can't say how appreciative he is of them. his gaze lands on her own again, his appreciation and fondness evident within his gaze. so much so, at first he stays quiet. he just...allows this moment of comfort to settle between the pair of them. reaching for her hand again, he gives it a squeeze, raises it and presses a kiss to the palm of her hand. "i do. deep, deep, deep down...i do know that - it's hard...moments like this it's hard not to feel entirely and completely responsible. then i remember that if i wasn't in the job i am, i wouldn't have been in the place we met and we wouldn't have-and nora wouldn't be here and i wouldn't of had the opportunity to get to know you and..." he trails off, a humorless chuckle escaping his lips. "everything happens for a reason. i really, i struggle to believe it but i think there's truth to it. right now this - it fucking sucks, but we'll find our way through it. like we're finding our way through parenthood. we're strong. you're strong. i'll defend you to the fucking death and i really, really mean that. but we'll - we will get through this, meri. whether they all realise it or not, i'll make sure the majority know where i stand on this matter. that they know you matter to me, that you and nora are the best part of my life and i'd give everything else up in a heartbeat if it proved to become a burden. if it didn't respect what we've built." his eyes light up, all because of her. he doesn't know if he's entirely there yet, but he wants to be -- he wants them to be in a better place, they didn't deserve to dwell. "i'll write up a statement, i'll let my team look over it - let you, let the boys...i won't hide away from this. i promise." he naturally entangled their pinkies together playfully then. "but right now, tell me what you'd like...can be as straight forward as a cup of coffee, just...anything i can do for you right now, tell me and i'll do it..."

[suedrawl]

long rant/ramble; mental illness, chronic pain, weight related

so we spent Sunday with Pablo’s family. Decorating for christmas, good dinner, had Audrey along. Lovely day

the downside is photos were taken and… yikes I have gained so much weight. God, yes, it’s been a thing for the past year. but it really shows in these photos. It’s upsetting, frustrating, embarrassing. I worked so hard to lose that weight, and in a year gained it back.

but the silver lining at least is I look… happy? emotionally more healthy? even physically? I can’t describe it well. It could just be me desperate to see anything other than what it is. But still, I was able to have those thoughts. “It’s okay, I lost a lot of weight before, I can do it again” and “I’ve had a lot going on health wise, and there are factors beyond my control; I didn’t choose to be lazy” and “I think happiness is worth that weight gain, in a way”

it still has affected my self esteem a lot. I get so uncomfortable around Pablo lately—I have been trying to wear baggy clothes and preferring leggings, moving my hair around my face. I also am noticing side effects from the weight gain too (snoring, worsening stamina, digestion issues, etc)

in some ways i’m relieved I’m not visiting family this year (Pablo doesn’t get enough time off for traveling/tbh my turn to spend xmas with his family). I know everyone is understanding, but that anxiety has been present for months.

Small steps; I’m going to try to get doctor appointments set up. my current doctor has been swamped/short staffed, but Pablo was going to help me look into another place.

IMO I’m not working out enough/been in bed a lot/stress eating (but even on the latter, I haven’t been eating that much—just “too much” for how little I’ve been moving/exercising). It’s not all a factor of me being lazy. With being diagnosed with the Myofascial pain syndrome and slowly learning how a lot of my limitations are caused by sleep issues/chronic pain…god. if I can get myself back down to my ideal weight by next year, I’m willing to be patient and work on it all. 2023 maybe can be focused on figuring out health issues more, losing weight, managing symptoms, finding some way to function more….

at least I’m better mentally/emotionally than last time I was so sick and overweight in 2017-2018. Haven’t been in the hospital for years, I feel more stable/aware, I don’t feel trapped as before. Definitely no longer hopeless. Just… got to find that balance of pushing myself/facing the unknown and discomfort, but accepting that I have health issues and limitations/taking longer to heal isn’t because I’m being lazy

if i can just find some motivation, direction, or simply Not Being In 24/7 pain… it will all work out. I’m trying to be aware, take it slow, have grace

[thecameronchronicles]

Breathless

TW: Smut. Praise kink. 

SUMMARY: You decide to give Rafe oral sex for the first time…

WORD COUNT: 2400

Breathless

The way his blue irises fixated onto you made you wonder if you stuttered or had even spoken the words to begin with. If not for the way they widened towards you in consideration, you would have been certain they remained unspoken behind your usual reservation and nerves usually kept concealed-until now. But the scoff expressed from behind his usual smirk, accompanying that look of inspection, now left you blushing.

“Are you sure?” You slowly bobbed your head as he evaded your eyes as if returning to his thoughts. As if the definition of your words finally reached him in sincerity, he now lowered towards you, collecting your wrists. Once realizing how possessive this appeared, he redirected his touch to your cheeks. One large palm on either side only worsened the heat but managed to ease whatever anxieties remained just below the surface. 

“You don’t have to, you know…” Your eyes narrowed at him momentarily before softening into a nervous shrug. 

“I thought you could…teach me…” His jaw tensed as he swallowed hard at the thought.

For Rafe, you have always been his innocent angel, but oh so willing to be sinful exclusively for him. It made him manic with a rush of desperation to show everything to you at once while also wanting to bask in the slow burn of each lesson. 

But this wasn’t on his terms-this wasn’t even his request. Instead, you had instigated it and now as it hung in the air, you were not backing down. Not when this level of excitement raged behind his eyes, even if his words of chivalry suggested otherwise. 

“If you don’t want me to…” You spoke slowly, preparing for him to convince you that he was just as content as having you in his arms, as he had iterated up until now. But you wanted to please him as he had done to you so many times before. In response to your words, he was now back on his soles, standing before you as his fingers ran across his face as if still unable to bear the weight of your words, sincerity and desperation mixed somewhere beneath his excited expression. 

“Baby, it’s not that…I…I-I know that if you start doing that, I-I won’t be able to stop…” To this, your eyes darkened with a lust that was only ever possible for him. You were untouched if not for him, a fact he adored as he respected the boundaries until you requested more. But this seemed to affect him beyond those previous requests. 

“Who says you’d have to?” His jaw cocked to your words, shaking his head in disbelief how you were so innocuous in every other instance-painfully so, as it was a reminder of what he no longer possessed. But now, he saw a vixen on the edge of her need, all too eager to please him. 

“You start….” His eyes now found you beneath him, quite a distance from his gaze to yours as you remained seated on the foot rest of the chair he recently occupied until you spoke those words to him, “Looking up at me with those eyes…My-” He paused, not wanting to be vulgar for this first interaction. But you were pushing him as you always did, that fine line between compassion and consumption.  

“I’m worried I’ll hurt you…” He explained as you now knelt before him, hands teasing his chrome buckle. 

“I can handle it…” But as you focused on his stubborn loops of his pants, he slipped his fingers softly against your cheek, only to take a rough grip of hair into an arrangement of a makeshift ponytail. 

“You have NO IDEA what you’re in for…”

“I want you to show me…” His lips parted as if to speak before your desire interrupted these attempts. 

“I want…I want to…to make you cum…while I’m on my knees…for you…” Your words, spoken from lips so pure-only ever kissed, were now the sole cause of the demise of his reservations. 

He suddenly wanted-needed everything with you in painful contradiction. He needed your touch but wanted to caress you until you chilled beneath his fingertips. He needed to hear you moan but wanted to make you whimper in the soft hum of the words you were too timid to demand. He wanted to be rough, but needed to keep you pristine as this was the salvation in all of the pieces of him that were otherwise tainted. 

“I’m going to tell you this once…” He was compassionate with his words, even if his grip was domineering and his eyes no longer held kindness as this was overtaken by the carnality always present, now brazen to darken that cool blue focus. 

“Think about it for a second. Because once you take me behind your perfect little lips…I’m not gonna stop…Not if you’re begging…not if you’re crying…” You interrupted him by pulling his belt from his hips in one skillful sweep that left him thrown off kilter for only a second before recovering. 

Following a sweet giggle from these actions, you validated to him, “I’m sure.”

Having felt his intimidating cock in previous sessions of passion, you had never touched him so bare-never so raw. But what he seemed unaware of was just how desperately you thought of pleasing him. To thank him for all he had shown you.

Your fingers sent his zipper into an expected descent, revealing a sudden bulge held in continued reservation behind his boxers. To torment him as noted by your aforementioned effect on him, you looked up to him beneath your long lashes before stalling to allow him the sight. But during this silence, you couldn’t help but wonder how many other girls had pleased him as you only hoped you would rank higher than most. But with your only knowledge of fellatio consisting of nothing more than the media and whisper campaigns, you would base your actions off of his reactions. 

You set your touch to the edges of his boxers before retracting them from his hips, revealing his sharp Adonis belt that led to the glory of his cock now springing forward to you. He was…beautiful. Perfect anatomy, dominance stretched into every inch of his intimidating length as you swallowed as it was hard to imagine it not only at the cusp of your throat, but between your thighs, which were now dripping at the thought. 

Silently, you took him within your grasp, slightly embarrassed, but more aroused at how smooth he was to touch. Not exactly sure what to expect, you offered a grin as he spread his lips with a single swipe of his tongue before slowly nodding to you. 

Using his natural beading lubricant, you brushed your thumb over his head before twisting and squeezing him in preparation for the pleasure you hoped you could offer. Your mouth coming into a part as you neared him, your breath pulled him into a sharp inhale as he couldn’t fathom how beautiful his beautiful angel was being so devilish for him. You viewed him one final time before pulling him into your mouth, receiving him against your tongue that ran around his shaft in admiration for the pleasure you only imagined it would in turn bring to you. 

“Fuck…” He breathed out, struggling to keep from shuddering directly into the back of your throat, his hips only moving slightly as your nails ran up the backs of his thighs, resting on the naked reveal of his ass. The gentle pinch of your polished fingertips eating into his skin only made this more difficult for him to remain still as his grip hardened within your hair. 

Wrapping your teeth behind your lips and extending your tongue, you tested how much of his shaft you could fit to your reflex before needing to allow yourself a break, making up for the extra inches within your palm. 

“Just like that baby girl, yes! YES!” He grunted, not giving instruction, as you expected, but instead finding praise. The smirk that developed on the corners of your mouth from this sent him to look down at you. 

“You like being on your knees for me?” You nodded, not wanting to lose the tempo found in twisting his base and gagging on his swollen and crying cock head. 

“So good baby…So FUCKING good-better than I imagined.” You nodded in agreement, having feared your gag reflex or simply underperforming to his expectations. With this validation, you quickened in speed, testing what he would favor.

“How are you so good?” He groaned suddenly, latching you upwards from your actions, a ‘popping’ sound filling the space between you two. “You lyin’ to me baby girl? You’ve been on your knees for other guys?”

“No-” You answered breathlessly as he suddenly took hold of your jaw, that possessiveness he usually kept hidden beneath compassion, having reared its head at the thought of anyone else even potentially touching you. 

“Only you-”

“Then why are you so good at giving me head, huh? Tell me-”

“I just…want you in my mouth.” You answered, addicted to not only the feeling of the taboo action but more so his reactions, his lack of control. 

“Then take me, baby…take me-” He growled, now pulling you along with him as he took a step back into the chair, relaxing on the cold fabric, as you returned to the blow job. Only now, he guided you deeper, forcing tears to cascade in streams down your cheeks. 

“Yeah…yeah-yeah-yeah!” He grinded. 

“My good girl-MINE. MY. GOOD. GIRL! SHIT!” The grip within your hair softened when he realized you were in need of a breath, one you gasped for as he forced you to look up at him with your chin set between his fingers. 

“I’m not trying to be rough with you, baby…” He confessed. “But I…I’m not gonna last long…” He explained with a winded puff of a continued admission. His thumb now brushed your cheeks, erasing the tears that he craved as equally as his release. 

“Good…” His expression darkened as his fingers released your hair as you returned to your bow over his lap. He basked in the feeling of him accepted by your enthusiasm, nails eating into his bare thighs, the sound of you choking on him in depth with the soundtrack of pops and sucks filling the space around you. 

“Such a good girl-SUCH a good girl…MY good girl…” You tried to ignore the pulsation those words caused between your thighs, a feeling extending well beyond your panties at the sound of his moans and continued praise. 

“I wanna cum in that tight little throat baby…you better stop if you-” But you only increased everything against him. Your hand tightened around his base, squeezing in the perfect twist of pleasure, only intensified the sensations left behind by your tongue and bobbing motions of your hollowed out cheeks. 

“You’re gonna make me cum-” He bucked into you, no longer caring for limitations as you seemed to blur that line well before he could consider changing your mind. “You wanna make me cum baby girl?” You nodded, relaxing your throat as best as you could to his ungodly motions. 

“I’m-I’m cuming baby-I’m fucking cuming for you-ah…ugh…” He groaned, sloppy movements sending your eyes to screw shut from the lack of breath but thrill lying below the surface in excitement. His lips hung open, riding out the extent of his release, the feeling of his release slipping behind your tongue and directly down your throat. Any harshness behind his fingertips fell into nonexistence as he looked at you with a grin. 

“Was I…okay?” You asked, fearful of his critiques in comparison to those in his past. But all he could do was shake his head in disbelief. To your uncertainty, he pulled you over his lap. 

“Was I?” Your brows furrowed. “I’m always worried I’m gonna go too far-” To this, you only smiled. 

“I wanted to-”

“I should have been softer…But your mouth was just so…” He recalled the feeling, sending his eyes heavy and his chest to rise in a scoff. 

“Are you okay?” This was what you loved about Rafe. As much as he could be vulgar and intense, even cold, he always redeemed himself in compassion and care, always putting himself last. It had been the reason you wanted to please him to begin with as he had brought pleasure to you in every way aside from penetrative sex as he wanted to ensure you were completely certain. 

“Let me take care of my baby girl…”

“You don’t-” His fingers moved up the extent of your thigh, making it only a few inches before your knee as he chuckled. 

“Oh baby…my poor girl was THIS wet the whole time…let me make you feel good, yeah?” You slowly nodded, allowing your head to fall into his shoulder as he pressed his middle finger between your folds. 

“Rafe…please….” You begged. “I need you inside me-”

“Not tonight, baby girl-”

“Why?” You whined, pouting the way he adored, leading his free hand to force your lip to detach from your teeth. 

“Because I want to take my time with you…Learning the most efficient ways to make you moan like this all for me…Arching and whimpering…” His thumb coming into circles against your clit sent you grinding against him, his words acting as a narration to his actions. 

“Using me to make you feel good…making you cum…at least twice-gotta start slow…” He smirked confidence in his skillset as you groaned, well aware he would make it an imminent reality. 

“And then when you’ve had enough…when you’re so desperate you can’t even tell me what you want, I’ll slip inside of you so easily because of how wet you’ll be…and then make you mine for hours…Until you cum with me….” His perfect collection of circles and pressure brought you trembling over his lap. 

“Cum for me. Right now, baby…Right…now…” You obeyed, the wave of his effect expressed over his fingers as he palmed you through this high, before observing you in that intoxicating lust blown expression always left behind when he made you cum. 

“Good girl…”

His fingers now pulled between his lips, taking the evidence of your release from the tips of his touch. 

“So fucking sweet for me…But next time baby…It’s all about you…”

[venicebixch]

In-Between part 4

angst and a little fluff. enjoy!

I decided to go run some errands to distract myself from my feelings. I went to the mall, to Target, and now I’m sitting in a random empty parking lot with my Starbucks. It’s starting to get dark out but I don’t want to go home yet. Even though I still feel like shit, it feels worse when I’m just sitting home.

As much as I keep trying not to and as hard as I’m trying to push Vinnie out of my mind, I can’t help but feel like I’m waiting on a text from him. I’ve debated texting him first but I’m frustrated with him.

And I can’t lie, I’ve also thought about just blocking him and never talking to him again but I know that’s definitely not the solution. I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic or if my feelings are valid.

I just wish he’d show me the affection I desperately crave from him more consistently. There are days where he acts like I’m his favorite person and other days I think he couldn’t care less and just wants me for my body. I know I should just tell him how I feel but I’m scared of what he’d say. I don’t think I could handle him telling me he doesn’t want anything serious with me. And I’m afraid it would push him away if he’s not ready for that conversation yet.

But it’s been weeks of this and I’m just tired of this in-between stage. I feel like I’m in limbo. Stuck in a place between heaven and hell just waiting for him to decide my final fate.

I lean my head against my seat, taking a sip of my drink. I shouldn’t have gotten something with caffeine in it, it’ll only worsen my anxiety and keep me awake tonight but oh well. Too late now.

My phone dings with a text, making my heart skip a beat. I pick it up. It’s my friend Emily. I was hoping it was Vinnie. I roll my eyes and groan, tossing it back into the seat beside me.

I marinate with my thoughts for another 20 minutes while I finish my drink. Maybe I need to just go home. I’ll take a shower and do some self care.

—

As I’m pulling into the driveway, my phone starts ringing. I sigh, not getting my hopes up, but I look and it’s Vinnie. I answer without hesitation.

“Hello?” I try to sound cheerful. No way I can let this man know I’ve been sulking over him all day.

“Hey honey, what’re you doing?” He sounds like he just woke up. Maybe he’s just been sleeping all day. But was he up late? And if so, why?

“Nothing. Just got home from running some errands. Why?”

“Come over. I miss you,” he pleads.

I sigh quietly. Maybe I’ve been overreacting. “Okay,” I say softly. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Just come inside, I’ll be in my room.”

“Will do.”

“Can’t wait to see you.”

I roll my eyes to myself and giggle. “I can’t wait to see you, either.”

“Hurry up,” he whines.

I laugh. “The sooner I’m off the phone, the sooner I’ll be there! Give me like an hour.”

“Ugh. An hour?! You can’t just teleport to me?”

“Well beam me up, Scotty,” I say.

He laughs. “Alright, alright. I’ll see you in a bit. Seriously, hurry. I really do miss you,” he says softly.

“Okay, let me shower and I’ll be right over. Won’t even do my makeup.”

“Okay. Bye, sweet girl.”

Ugh I fucking adore him. “Bye, Vinnie.”

I definitely overreacted earlier.

—

I knock on his door and hear a loud gasp from the other side and his footsteps. The door opens and he’s standing there with a wide smile. I can’t help but grin back at him.

“Finally!” He pulls me in for a hug. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I smile, leaning my head against his chest, savoring the feeling of his arms around me.

“Come look at my new PC,” he pulls me into the room and shuts the door.

He pulls me to his desktop and starts ranting about things that I have no idea about but I watch him, smiling and nodding. I love seeing him happy.

“It looks really fucking cool,” I say.

“Thank you. It was a bitch and a half to put together, me and the guys were up all night doing it,” he shakes his head. “But it was worth it. I can’t wait to stream with it.”

Oh. That would explain a lot. I scold myself in my head for getting so upset today. Why the hell do I do that to myself?

“But anyways how was your day?” He smiles at me.

Terrible but by my own fault. “It was good!” I lie. “I went to the mall and did a little shopping then got Starbucks.”

“The mall, huh?”

“Yeah,” I smile.

“Did you get anything fun like we talked about?” He smirks.

I giggle and shake my head. He’s talking about this lingerie I was eyeing when we went together a few weeks ago. “I did but I didn’t bring it. I forgot.” I genuinely did forget.

He groans. “You’re killing me. I wanted to see you in that so bad,” he says, pouting and rubbing my arms. “But it’s okay. There’s always next time. Have you eaten yet?”

I haven’t eaten since this morning except the Starbucks. “No,” I purse my lips.

“Me either, let’s order something.”

—

Once we eat, we lay in his bed watching TV. His arm wraps around my waist, holding me close to him and he kisses my forehead.

I feel myself melt into him and it feels like the rest of the world just disappeared. “I missed you,” I say softly.

I feel his smile against my head. “I missed you too.”

In this moment of calmness, I wonder if I should just tell him how I’ve been feeling. Communication is important, after all. I don’t think he’d react badly.

But still, the thought of talking about it makes my heart start racing and the longer I hesitate, the worse it gets.

What should I even say? Maybe just tell him about her livestream. But would that come across as being weird that I watched it?

I sigh quietly.

Should I just ask him his intentions with me?

The thought of him telling me he doesn’t want to be with me makes me feel sick. And I don’t want to spoil this moment but wouldn’t it make it worse if I keep tumbling through my feelings, getting more and more attached to him just to end up heart broken anyway? I guess whatever is going to happen is going to happen, be it right now or a few months from now.

Just fucking say something.

“Vinnie…” I finally squeak out, finding it hard to keep my voice steady.

[lxngbottom]

pothead!nev, literally anything with him. Ooo maybe something with like some steamy kissing👀

This is definitely not bratty-longbottom

First Time? | N.L.

in which the reader buys weed from neville for the first time.

warnings: swearing, weed, fluff!

OOO MY FAV PERSON ON THIS WHOLE APP REQUESTED THIS AND I LOVE POTHEAD!NEV

—

“why can’t you just do it, ginny?!”

“because, ron will find out and he’ll get mad and he’ll definitely write my mum! and besides, i’m always the one who has to get the weed! why can’t you this time?”

you sighed as you moved settled the palm of your hand onto your forehead, “you know neville! i don’t!”

neville. neville longbottom. the provider for the infamous muggle drug that lately seemed to make its way throughout the students of hogwarts. and surely it was no surprise that the top herbology student had been growing some, and had been selling it to everyone.

and it seems easy, going to pick up from neville. he never gave you a reason to think he was anything but decent, but, the concept of talking to a person who sold weed was quite... intimidating? plus, you may or may not have had a minor crush on the boy. being friends with ginny weasley meant you had multiple different run ins with him, so, of course you had developed some sort of feelings for him. he was fit, smart, and smelt good.

“neville is pretty much an open book! well... sorta? it doesn’t matter! just go to his dorm tonight, and get the stuff, alright? i have a huge test on monday and the only way i’ll study is if i’m high!” ginny explained as she began to scurry off from your figure,

“you don’t really need weed to study? there’s no real wizarding science that says any sort of plant makes you focus better!” you yelled to her down the hall. she turned her head and sent a grin,

“it does for me!”

you rolled your eyes as she continued to walk away once more,

“why can’t we just take tonics like normal people?!”

—

it was absolutely nerve wracking. every part of you that could feel anxiety was all at this moment. just walking up the steps to his dorm made you break out in a sweat and made your legs wobble.

you had no idea if neville was even in his dorm right now. and plus, all of his dorm mates could’ve been there. and you weren’t too keen on being alone with a room filled with boys. but, you really had no choice.

when the door appeared in your vision, it suddenly hit you what you were doing. your raised your hand to knock, and you did so shakily. you gulped as you waited for an answer, even some part of you begging to just walk away.

finally, the door swung open.

“ah! ginny’s friend!” the ginger exclaimed with a smile, “wait! don’t tell me! um—cass—no? ang—no...”

“y/n.” you answered for him with a nervous look on your face,

“oh, right! sorry, i’m not too good with names...” he awkwardly laughed, leaning against the door, obviously trying to remain laid back due to the girl that was standing in front of him.

“you’ve known me since i first became friends with ginny...”

that’s when ron’s face fell flat, and he awkwardly chuckled. “yeah, yeah! totally! but, uh—what are you here for, anyways?”

you thought for a moment, trying to think of a good enough explanation. one that wasn’t too blunt, but one that ron would understand.

“um—neville?”

ron nodded without another word, and he pulled you into the dorm. he glanced around the outside of the door before closing it, trapping you in the dorm with... all of them.

the slam of the door caught everyone’s attention, and all of ron’s friends looked over to see you standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, which worsened your anxious state.

“she’s here to see you, longbottom. did you finish rolling the joint by the way?”

neville nodded his head as he was already sparking the infamous joint, and he took a perfect hit of it as he studied your figure. he sent you a small smile before walking up to you,

“was wondering when you would come and see me, y/l/n...” he took another hit as he stared at your face, “you look stressed... hit this.”

he attempted to hand you the joint, but you shook your head.

“i don’t—well... i smoke but... not—you know...” you were trying to explain yourself, but having all eyes on you did not help. “never mind... thank you, i’m all good.”

neville furrowed his eyebrows for a moment, but just shook his head with a smile as he passed the joint to ron. neville went to open his mouth, but the door swung open, and small cheers from the boys erupted.

levi.

“longbottom! you know what i need!” levi laughed as he shook hands with dean. neville nodded as levi continued to socialize with the other four boys. you continued to stand awkwardly, mentally cursing yourself out for not being as simple and to the point like big man on campus levi was.

“ah... who’s the lovely girl?” levi asked with a smirk on his face as he began to pull out money. your face went warm as seamus laughed,

“that’s y/n! she’s friends with ginny.”

levi nodded and walked over to you, a curious look in his eyes. neville looked at him out of the corner of his eye, some sort of protectiveness coming out of him.

neville was aware that levi had thing with using girls, and he wasn’t necessarily levi’s friend, but he kept the peace for the sake of making money.

levi began to flirt with you, earning questionable looks from everyone in the room. he was way too cocky, plus, that shit eating grin was going to be the thing that made you snap. you were visibly uncomfortable, especially when he rubbed your arm for a few moments.

“hey! no touching, levi. that’s my girl, here’s your stuff.”

you looked at neville with raised eyebrows, the boys present in the room following. ron started whispering multiple questions to harry, which harry responded with a small shrug.

“is that so?” levi laughed, taking the bag of weed from neville’s hands, “i think i might need some proof.”

neville shrugged his shoulders and looked down at you, a comforting look in his eyes as he sent you a small, but genuine smile. and then... he kissed you. his tongue entered your mouth with no warning, leaving you gasping into his. he stroked the side of your neck with one hand as he bit down on your bottom lip gently, and he pulled away, you a breathless mess with wide eyes.

“enough proof for you, levi?”

levi laughed awkwardly and left with no more questions. you looked at everyone in the room with a embarrassed look on your face, even looking down at the ground to face their intense glances.

“hey, y/n...” neville started as he walked over to his bedside desk. you walked over to him, trying your best to keep a safe distance, the thought of his lips being pressed up against yours still not fully processing. “i feel really bad about levi being so creepy, so why don’t you just take this for free?”

he held out a bag of weed, very nice looking weed in the middle of his palm. you observed it for a moment, seeing small purple specks glowing from the light.

“this is some of my best stuff. and, i honestly don’t even really sell it because it’s so good. one hit of this from a bong and you’ll probably be frozen in place!” he joked. you let out a small giggle at his words, earning an adoring smile from him.

“i—i can’t take that for free. i’ll feel bad...”

“oh, please! it’s the least i could do!”

your first thought of course was:

“you could kiss me again.”

that’s when you heard neville let out a laugh, his cheeks turning a small shade of pink. he put the weed in the palm of your hand, and closed your fingers over it for you. he leaned into your ear, glancing over at his friends who were too busy passing the joint around and talking.

“well... if that’s what you want... then i guess i have no choice but to give it to you, isn’t that right, angel?”

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

i’ve done a lot of whining lately because summer was unusually rough, so i figure i ought to share when there are wins, too. :) today i survived a healthcare phone call that i originally had to put off when covid stole my voice then rescheduled several more times because i’ve been so frustrated lately in trying to deal with doctors etc that i didn’t feel ready for more of that.

but it went really well!! my caseworker, whose name is lupe, which reminds me of odaat in a comforting way, clarified what i need to do for a second opinion in any situation like the one i’m in now where my doctor’s response to my worsening symptoms was ‘it’ll get better on its own just wait.’ (she was in fact overly helpful and kept explaining how easily i can choose a new doctor if i want--i don’t want to, lol, and already knew how, but i appreciate her thoroughness.) 

i’m supposed to get a call this week from someone who will set me up with a therapist, which is a little scary because i’ve never tried to really have a therapist or engage in therapy. growing up i was everyone else’s therapist, reading adult self-help and psychology books for fun in junior high and letting my friends bring their problems my way, so i always felt like i could see inside the process too much when i did interact with therapists. but i think i’m finally in a place where it could help me and i could let it. so we’ll see. 

that therapist will also be the person who can discuss my ARFID symptoms with me. my last screening for that went badly, partly because i panic with strangers and that led to me answering questions inaccurately and not realizing it until leander pointed it out later--and partly because the questions they asked me were for unrelated eating disorders and not as relevant to why i was seeking help, so when the experts consulted and said i didn’t need any help, it wasn’t a total surprise.

my caseworker will be telling them that i need to meet in person, so i can feel less rushed and ask for clarification of questions, rather than panicking like i did before and saying stuff that wasn’t even true. she’ll also tell them that i need my best friend with me for help with anxiety and memory support and self-advocating, which i’m deeply grateful for, because until my video screening the last time i didn’t realize how hard it is for me to talk about my eating habits without covering. 

surprisingly i spent my whole life not knowing it could be a disorder but that didn’t stop me from internalizing the shame and trying to hide and minimize my problems in situations where i expect to be judged. and i have experienced crying autistic meltdowns in more than one medical office over the years, so healthcare professionals are definitely an area where i anticipate judgement. fingers crosses my future efforts are less traumatic and more effective, but either way i’ve regained some hope about the value of trying. 

it’s so much easier to just not make the appointments and not follow up on things and tell myself that as long as i’m medicated and alive that’s enough, but i deserve more. and i hit a bad place this summer that means it’s time to move beyond easy, because i’ll never get what i want out of life if i’m not healthy enough to work towards it, which has kept me from even deciding what i want. for multiple issues, today was a good first step.