#don’t give neurotics a platform

[tiffanytoms]

Tiffany you gotta write this!!

https://petalstofish.tumblr.com/post/716683889695965184/i-cant-stop-thinking-about-jily-x-bridgerton-s2

Like the tension🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

Oh my gawwwwwwd 🤤

If only so I could reuse this gif EVERY CHAPTER 🤭

Legit, I zoned out and now it’s tomorrow. 😍 *Haaaaa*

Okay, but actually, I’m afraid I’m not your girl for this, because I don’t get what exactly people want with this sort of thing. Like, when the peeps say they want a Jily-inspired *insert media* do they really just want a retelling of said media but you change up small things and names?? Bc season TWO was mentioned, so that seems really specific! I would never be able to determine how small or big the changes would have to be. I feel like I can write similar *vibes* as that season, but then I’d tell you it’s written in a modern era and then you’d be all disappointed, and then I’d be disappointed, and then we’d all cry ourselves to sleep. ☹️ Sooooo disappointing.

Now if you’re asking for just old-timey talk and social structure, I have been thinking about that, but I would immediately put a dragon in it, so that I could say it’s not real, and that way ppl could preemptively get off my dick about writing the dialogue/history/corsets/whatever wrong 🤣

I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking 🤔

[cevherien]

can you do a yan/toxic ellie that sometimes get so upset at reader that when they’re arguing that things get physical….she feels really bad about it ofc and convinces reader that it wasn’t a big deal so she doesn’t leave.

sorry if this is too dark or if you don’t take request 😭

of course i can!! i take drabble asks besides it's just fiction <3

(Dark content ahead, curate your own experience on this platform)

She'd never purposely want to hurt a hair on you but when her vision goes red, the short glint of light in her eyes disappear and you can no longer see behind her gaze.

it's completely neurotic when this happens, like she can't help it. Similar to an impulse disorder she's driven without any thought, she finds herself back in Seattle mentally and her fight or flight response kicks in.

Like a small puppy being cornered it's reactive and destructive (either to the environment or to herself)

When this happens, which is extremely rare, in this case because you suppress those urges in her mind normally, but you also bring out both the best and the worst in her, like a catalyst triggering her cognitive dissonance.

When she first did something like this, you forgave her thinking she was overwhelmed and having a flashback of sorts. The second time was a little different, since she was of sound mind and the only reason she got violent was because you were speaking to a bitch she told you not to.

You were left bleeding from your nose because you tried to defend that whore to Ellie, and she doesn't take that lightly. Textbook abusive relationship, she tells you she did it for your own good.

"This hurts me more than it hurts you baby," and "I know what's best for you, you should be listening to me."

She comforts you though, right after the assault. She does feel bad, but truly believes she's doing whats needed to be done.

You were really too sweet for this world, a naive little girl, a little bunny in a dirty and dangerous world that would prey on you. Hurt you and take you away from her. She nodded to herself about taking you, convinced she did the right thing.

After that she doesn't really give you time to ponder on it as she floods you with affection, partly because she doesn't like to see you hurting and partly because she's afraid you might leave her.

She wouldn't let you leave, though. But it's better to play safe than be sorry.

Showering you with kisses as you cry with your bottom lip quivering, face flushed and nose still bleeding. You avoid her gaze, but she gently raises your chin up to meet her eyes.

"It's okay angel, I'm here." your body was hesitant under her touch. "I'll always be here."

[areus-in-a-little-cave]

I’m just gonna start making posts about songs I hear and instantly assign to the Dream SMP. I’ll actually explain why this song fits this character today but you better believe it’s not gonna be too deep. I’m just having fun and making a lot of this up on the spot. Formatting is weird but we don’t see it. Unless specified, I’m talking about the characters.

Today you get a c!Wilbur song (Revivebur specifically)

“When my feet touch down in a foreign land I buried all my money in a coffee can And I've been hobo skipping just to hide from the weather Only got two pennies better rub them together Because I keep it on my sleeve I wear it on my shirt I got a living room full of dust and dirt And it's a jumped up living in the city of smoke I better suck it up before I, I'm gonna fly”

So obviously since he’s been in limbo for 13 years, the actual Dream SMP is probably gonna feel foreign to him, both because he hasn’t been there in a long time, and because many things have changed. His first sight after being revived was the destroyed remains of L’Manberg, something he never fully saw as he died pretty soon after detonating it.

He buried everything he had when he died, blowing up the country he made and burning a lot of bridges by doing so. He has nothing now that he’s back, and people either dislike him, distrust him, or have a complicated relationship with him. 

Wilbur really only has about two (somewhat) postive relationships right now, his rivalry with Quackity and his friendship with his father. These relationships may not be positive not in the sense that they like each other, but that it’s making him feel better by being around them. He feels alive.

In his own words, he’s very neurotic. He’s afraid of many things and feeling like he’s not a person is possibly one of these things. We saw this in Tommy as well when he returned from limbo and hated how people looked at him like he should have been dead. Wilbur keeps his cards close to his chest, but he wants to change. One possible way to do that would be to share those cards, by wearing his heart out on his sleeve and being more open.

He now lives with Phil and Techno, but he did once consider L’Manberg his home. Since it’s now decimated, it’s probably nothing but dust and dirt, and it was probably smoking when it blew up.

Wilbur is moving on, seeing what has changed and how he’s perceived, and he’s apologizing. 

“I'm a hobo rocket (Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey) Wanna die, nothing in my pocket, yeah (Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey)“

He’s got nothing to his name, really. He wants to change that, and he wants to feel alive. Quackity is dangerous to mess with, yes, but Wilbur is living for it. In cc!Wilbur’s own words:

“Someone who looks at him, not as "insane" not as "evil" or a "freak" but rather just unpredictable. Human. This is exciting for Revivedbur. He feels human again.”

It’s a dangerous game and Wilbur wants it.

“When my shoes got holes in the cobble streets And now it feels like heaven underneath my feet I'm like a lone crusader on a holy endeavor Living 5 pound daily in a charity sweater Because I'm beating on my drum I'm tapping on my knee A street rat jamming to a Beck CD You know I still got rhythm if I don't get paid And I don't give a shit if I, I'm gonna fly“

He’s very poor. Also cobblestone. Walking on it is probably an incredibly welcomed change from the train platform. After spending 13 years with nothing but the concrete flooring, it probably feels much better to walk on something else.

Wilbur is a solidary person, most likely related to his neuroticism. He struggles to believe other people actually care, and he tests those who claim they do. Plus, he’s one of the few people who thinks positively of Dream, and that on its own isolates him. In his mind, helping Dream would be the ultimate act of true reciprocity. Dream freed him from a prison, and Wilbur could do the same.

Once more, he’s poor. Also, while it’s not confirmed, the sweater on his skin may be Ghostbur’s. It wouldn’t be his, technically, but rather something given to him or taken from the ghost.

He’s canonically a musician, I guess. Also, he’s finally free to live by his own rhythm now that he is free from limbo and the responsibilities of L’Manberg and Pogtopia.

He’s living once more and he doesn’t need things. He needs challenge.

[i-am-a-whimsy-boy]

That Time Murdoch Could've Killed George by not Thinking About Basic Safety

So, I'm just here thinking about Season 4 Episode 7 "Confederate Treasure" and the time Murdoch sent George to look for strongboxes in a shipwreck 100 feet underwater and gave him bell signals and I realized they didn't establish a signal for "Holy heck, I'm drowning; I am seconds from death, HELP!"

Murdoch gives George two signals, one bell pull meaning he's found the sunken boat and two meaning he's found the boxes, and I don't understand why he didn't give him a third signal of three pulls meaning "something went wrong and I need help."

It's especially funny because five seconds earlier, Murdoch makes a point of warning George not to hold his breath on the way back up to avoid decompression sickness from the pressure. The implication that Murdoch thought about decompression sickness but didn't consider literally any other safety hazard is kind of laughable. Maybe it's just because I'm crazy neurotic, but I can think of at least ten different things that could have gone wrong beyond decompression sickness.

In a normal situation, I suppose the lack of a signal from George would be enough for them to assume something happened and investigate, or I guess George probably would have had the good sense to just ring the heck out of the bell, but in this case, that wouldn't have done any good because they had no way to get to him.

From my understanding, George was lowered into the water on a stationary platform, sort of like an elevator, until it hit the bottom of the lake, at which point he walked off and went in search for the boxes. In fairness, we don't actually see George under the water in the episode, so we don't know exactly how this worked, but this is the most logical way I can think of.

If something had gone wrong, though, in this scenario, George would have been toast because they had no way to get to him. George had to have been away from the platform they lowered/brought him back up on in order to get to the shipwreck, so they couldn't have just raised the platform to check on him. I'm pretty sure they also only brought the one diving suit, so it's not like someone could have gone down after him. The only links they had to George would have been the rope to pull the bell and the tube providing oxygen to the helmet. I'm not convinced that thin little rope could have supported the weight of an adult wearing one of those heavy diving helmets, especially being pulled up from underwater, and they could have risked serious head/spine injuries if they pulled on the tube, which would effectively be pulling on George's head, not ideal. Not to mention pulling on the tube could have damaged the valve or dislodged the helmet and drowned him. I don't know what their plan was if anything went wrong, and honestly, I'm pretty convinced they straight up didn't plan for that.

TL;DR, Murdoch sent an untrained constable 100 feet under the water alone with nothing but a rope and a flashlight and didn't have any safety precautions in place besides George not holding his breath. He effectively doomed George if anything bad had happened and all he needed to do was think for about five seconds, establish a help signal and bring an extra diving suit. Better yet, they should have had two people go down together so that there's someone there if anything goes wrong. Even better, they should have gotten a trained professional to do it.

I can just imagine something going wrong and George being down there like "okay, don't panic, just signal for help... wait, I don't have a signal for this, AND THEY CAN'T COME GET ME. F*CK."

[theurbansquared]

Guide To Avoiding A Loser Brokerage

by James Hill | theurbansquared

Brokers can be bastards and some even get better at it while other brokers are legitimate life-changing business Sherpas

A broker is supposed to guide you through a career in real estate much like a coach or pimp - offering protection and how to understand a complicated system better and direct it to revenue  without getting your neck broke while playing the game. I created and ran the most well-reviewed, largest full-service brokerage in the fastest-growing city in America.  This gave me access to nearly ever broker and their broker's pay structure and innovations. I also got the agent's version of my same broker buddies brokerages when they eventually joined my brokerage; hovering anywhere from 20–60 agents. Trending insider chatter has blame going to real estate brokers of decades past (and current) and how they’ve managed their agents - - letting unsupervised  agents with no experience run wild on the streets practicing on the public wearing out Realtor love and making a need for all the Mountain Dew-made Zillow-y options that currently exist.

Brokers are out of touch more than ever with today’s current media load, having to understand and use social media platforms for their advertising (since the private Town & Country affair that real estate once was is forever over and the landscape is a bit more like a half Juggalo, half programmer flea market).

Let’s dive into some situations and tenets that most agents don’t consider when choosing a brokerage.

Sales Volume

This is a bit of negotiating psychology and due diligence. Simply ask how much sales they (the brokerage) did last year and how much they’re currently at. If they don’t know these numbers they’re goons. If they don’t give it, you guessed it - they’re hiding something; their lack of revenue. I’ve hired and fired hundreds of agents and in interviews so few ask this question but it’s one of the most important questions you can ask as an agent and you need the information. An agent that doesn’t ask this has already given a tell that they’re not a top producer since they’re not interested in the production capacity of the team they may join. No bueno. Creep the brokerage as well obvi -- reviews, FB & IG engagement and current running ads, and make sure the company Christmas Party isn’t catered by Chic-fil-a at a Burnet Road dive bar.

Office

40% of your learning and 350% of your work will be done at the office. Those numbers will make sense 90% of the time after a few years in real estate. The rest should be on the streets - your car, properties, driving 75 mph talking and sending out docs, gorging on breath mints. Office, home, tiny homes, motorhomes have all blended into one larger conversation where work/live ethos are all in re-definition.

But, when you do need a more savvy moment in any market when people talk about borrowing or selling something that’s over $100K they don’t want to hear some bullshit too loud pedantic conversation seated right next to them at Starbucks or the local kooky coffee shop. In real estate Murphy’s Law is always in effect. The super important listing sign off that has to go well and they want to hear you pitch again before deciding? There will be someone (at this super ‘caj’ coffee house meeting) there projectile vomiting, or throwing cats, or something else tiresome or bad that takes more calls.

Speech and body language are massive parts of sales so when the entire set is thrown because a barista is running through a whole Sublime album. You want the most inviting cool office you can ever pull off at any given moment in real estate . Was that ever a question? There's a balance  -- you can't afford that year one or three, but it’s called real estate for a reason. Sexy, exciting buildings is what the brochure said when I joined. Also, it’s about style not size.

If you haven’t lost business to coffee house back pressure you really haven’t failed at agency properly.

Social IQ

Social reach is the only conversation now. Many brokerages won’t make it as the lead generating aspects of the industry aren't powered by a private MLS anyone and the publicly-hated ‘Realtor’ designation have both brokers and agents guessing about tomorrow. Calendars, best practices and free shitty tips & templates are the du jour of the day for anyone trying to get an agent's eyes. You can Google and get all the ‘basic’ social media dance steps, but with everyone at the same happy hunting spot, you’re being covered up, which leaves all your new artistic efforts fruitless and also squandering winning time.

Traffic, leads and engagement are all separate areas that have to be fulfilled properly and even this is in flux with historic corporations and current start ups all on the same advertising playing field. Social reach and engagement is about going to the consumer direct and becoming their friend with soft bribes -- free food, gifts, prizes (trips, events tickets) or industry work tools. The great news is, real estate has always been mostly consumer direct - start up a convoy at the grocery store (bar, church, meetup) and you’re in the car that weekend looking for houses with a new client. While you, your brokerage and the world are figuring out their exact social media mix, you need to make sure a brokerage isn’t lost on social media since many won’t be able to stay in business in the next few short years. Your brokerage needs to have a plan and and at best some presence on social media. Plus, they should be running low-cost performative marketing ad campaigns to get a feel for what and if set user groups are responding to ads. Anyone can post on IG but people engage on IG when they become inspired. A brokerage should have some sort of inspiration and relationship tied in with the local allure of their city --  or heading that direction.

Mentoring

Much like a neurotic buyer chasing an interest rate for their home mortgage (and then never buying a house) agents too focused on commission may miss the essential career need for mentoring -- for their clients and career. I had a 5 deal minimum for my new agents before they were ever unsupervised and received more commission. I've had new agents with celeb clients in hand and celeb agents with no clients in hand. No one wants to do business with someone with absolutely has no, experience but they do it because they like you as a friend or fam. Your mentor is the person riding shotgun with you at the beginning of your career. On many levels you want to be this person since they embody the position and role. You're literally and figuratively are borrowing experience from them and they deserve to be paid for it. You always have to strengthen your brand outside of your brokerage but if you don’t have any experience your brand doesn’t have ‘strength’ you simply have a logo and a drag & drop website where you're possibly talking about yourself and love of unicorns or football shit but the big boat deals you dream about in bed aren’t gotten this way. Remember, no unicorn could ever throw a football good without a lot of practice and a good mentor.

Support

Support in a brokerage is really communication and solutions for small problems, and systems for managing bigger ones with people. Most of the annoying things in real estate happen outside of the deal - contracts, calls, emails, docs, signatures, more docs. You typically want a super admin, broker, or agent manager that you can call and they pick up the phone. It’s pretty simple. With a mentor, admin, or broker you’re going to have a n 8:30 PM question or deal that’s going down. You’ll need printer help. Real estate always happens now (this was one of the main mantras in my office). Printing, prequal, weekend support and constant post dinner shenanigans.

Training

Meet Frank Miller, David Mamet, the Sex Pistols, Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Hendrix, Tom Hopkins, The World’s Greatest Detective and Conan The Barbarian. We had a lot of different inspirations for the style and ethos of our urban brokerage. The World’s Greatest Detective is Batman. It was a moniker that became popular in the seventies. We used this example about how important due diligence and proper Fact Finding techniques are for serving and closing deals for clients. (It’s almost essential to be inquisitive in real estate esp about property/development to have success). Training is largely your sales meeting(s). Although I don’t come from a car background I’ve mentored many car guys transferring to real estate (they typically are out of the industry within 2 years and are there only for boom markets). Car guys have meetings every morning 6 days a week and they’re not at 9 or 10 am. They’re already working.

free module: The Burger King Phenomena: Why Agents Do Less Working For Themselves Than If They Were Working At Burger King

Many brokerages have no training/meeting schedule (monthly doesn’t count -- that’s a meet and greet company pump and catch up meeting). If a brokerage doesn’t have training on a schedule then there is no training. You’ll possibly be thrown a 3-ring binder, or given some PDF’s, or links to old bizarre training videos or a soup sandwich of all three and sometimes even a bill for the training. An agent’s training/meetings and their attendance to them are the difference between an agent making it or not when you’re 24 months or less in the role as an agent especially in the fast turbulent waters of the current 2021 market where brokerage and agent purpose and pay are under attack. From my experience, new agents that hide die.

Media

Having a background as a creative director I’m aware with great detail of agency and brokerage media needs, the cost and time they extract, and the corresponding revenue they’re projected to bring back. Brokerages are looking for their purpose now as simply having a brokerage doesn’t bring in leads like it used to. This is fitting, since the digital dumbass brokers that that didn’t understand the importance of ‘the web’ rickshawed our MLS data and sold the agent/broker centric real estate system for their benefit while current agents are left with an empty greasy enough to-go box to curl up with. Brokerages were never media houses or ad agencies but now that consumer level graphic programs and website builders are ubiquitous and any agent after being licensed for 10 days can drag & drop a website up in 4 hours and make it look like a brokerage that’s been around for years. I know I’m going wide on the subject here but stay with me because this is the crux of where the industry and consumer are renegotiating roles.

A brokerage’s value proposition has changed drastically with the telecommute revolution that was only sped and strengthened by Covid. Also, generational knowledge base gaps in technology are more apparent than ever with technology as younger agents can often be more media savvy than their broker. The market is flooded with self appointed companies or gurus that are taking on the role of the classic ad agency (Mad Men) or media production house. Also beware of real estate coaches with little or no real estate experience offering to guide you in social media. Okay media can’t be used in apex situations (such as the luxury listings you’re after) and doesn’t draw apex listings. Beware of tapioca room temperature tips and general lists from companies that can appear informative but are really boilerplate low grade data to get your attention to ultimately upsell you on a paid service.

As an agent or a brokerage, consumer level graphic and website building programs can be a death ticket to your business as your competitors have the same tools and are cranking out the same type of style of messaging you are now. Now agents, principals, admins and in art class creating flyers. This has been done since the nineties as the valleys of dead agent careers is full of 2-day Microsoft Word (or any of their shitty office offerings) seshes to produce nasty flyers and presentations. These programs are fun and making bad flyers absolutely work related - the kind of work you don’t want’ related to your business because it’s adult crayon coloring. Activity does not equal production. Staying busy doing the wrong things doesn’t make money in real estate. Rather than spending agent winning time staying in the wrong lanes for way too long, get with a team or brokerage that are providing the most exceptional visual media you can find in your market. It used to be cool 2 years ago, now it’s the only thing that matters. Visual content.

free module: Better Agent Media, Less Agent Money (media tips and hacks).

Access

This is access to your broker. Brokers with families are typically less available. Your best bet as an agent is looking for a grinder broker who sleeps on the couch at their office. This person doesn’t have kids to build into so they’ll build into your career and you’ll get the most out of these brokers. Beware of cheesedick, apathetic, rich boy, bored brokers not around and more concerned with projects like a shitty vanity wine brand that their wife’s forced them to launch since she’s not living her best life anymore as an agent.

Style

What kind of style is your brokerage? Is there an opportunity to bring more style sophistication to the market -- standout in a smaller market? Or, are you in an ultra stylish market currently and butt hurt because you already have a little story about how you’re going to keep it real and be a Dockers wearing slob for eternity? The thing about style in agency is you always need to look like you can list a million dollar house. Oh, is it really that simple? Yes it is. You complicated it. Clients always care about their housing a little bit more than they care about your real estate career. They don’t have time to figure out why you’re wearing shoe styles from 7 years ago. Don’t make it hard for people to do business with you. If you’re ugly, even better. It can be a massive advantage. Everyone on the planet loves when someone who doesn’t fall into our general current ‘attractive’ spectrum doesn’t give af, looks great and puts themselves together in a stylish way that the viewer can understand (can I get away with Teen Wolf?). A great side benefit from this step in the right direction is it’s a great way to make someone who is conventionally attractive insecure.

You want to be in the same style as the people in your area but the secret is you need to lead that style pack if you can -- you always lead and dress apex. Years ago this was anecdotal but after over 100K hours in real estate a good suite (tailored) saved my ass and literally got me business. I listed the largest house in east Austin because of a suit (and got a front page story on the newspaper real estate section for free because the owner saw me walking into the next door neighbor’s house).

Offices, dress, logo, email signature are all elements of you and your brokerage’s style. Style in and of itself isn’t enough to be a top producer in real estate. I’ve had stylish and even celebrity agents that didn't do zilch, but style often is a fingerprint to something more.

Picking the right elements for your agent style is an art because you have to offer something from yourself that’s unique enough as well as something familiar (a bridge to your uniqueness). I have a background as a musician and also as a merchant sailor. Fortunately those are easy convo starters. You could be a philatelist and have some challenges, but regardless it absolutely will take a year or three to develop your own angle and style towards the market as you learn it and the agent role more.

Things that look attractive and familiar puts client’s psychologies at ease. So, if skinny jeans are in you better get in them (that’s like five years old now). You’re on stage. You don’t wear what the worker people behind the camera wear. If you want to wear boring shit get on the other side of the camera. If you want less leads saddle up to a forgettable brokerage. People have hard days. They want you to put an effort into your real estate agency role. Currently it’s a fried role so you’re dealing with that too. People love to be smiled at and sold and especially from someone who smells good. It doesn't ever get old. Don’t make them beg for your charm. Be a nice charming person with a shirt that fits good, it’s a powerful combo.

Get My Damn Paper

If you’ve never seen a werewolf in daylight mess with an agent’s commission after the deal’s done and funded. Admin? Who is the damn person who does the admin? (accounts payable is the icey pro word if you like). That person that you contact to get your commission check cut? If that person is a weirdo, or there’s an unfriendly or sketchy quality to the office or admin staff, do not go forward (don’t confuse this with new people or industry jitters). Grab some free coffee, leave the smarm and jet to the next brokerage blind date.

Software

CRM is an annoying conversation. Here’s the things with CRM’s - for all the work CRMs curtail, because of their complexity and existence and the work(time) they take to interact with you need to consider how much work you’re putting into operating the CRM software verses how much time it’s saving. Many times brokerages have expensive yearly subscriptions with per agent fees for their CRM which can make the brokerage have a zealot meth thing for the ‘team’ software and promise you can’t have a career without taking a bump too. To understand CRM better before it was a name, Client Relationship Management is what analog Proximity became. Let me explain -  being close to people in Church, bar, school, same building -- all give proximity. This becomes familiarity, then ease, then trust. People do business with people they trust & like. Once people disconnected physically and started using other means more contact attempts have to be made to work for or ‘prove’ worth.

Follow Up is a large component of most CRM’s and there are gobs of money for agents who follow up meticulously. Simply ask the broker what CRM they use and research it. Something to remember - unless you’re extremely busy with your career you don’t need a CRM. You can manage & database your clients & leads ‘by hand’ and strap it to the cloud with G-Suite/Google Sheets.

Brokerage Name

A small but important aside, if a brokerage have named themselves after a precious metal or a gem, or if it says elite in the name then it’s not elite. If it has the words prestige or worldwide or international it may not be any of those either. I know a handful of exceptions to this rule but this is a great dirty primer to use when choosing a brokerage that’s going to propel your career and have shrimp options at the Christmas Party.

[morsking]

Got around to starting and finishing Old World Blues in the past couple of days. I think it’s the strongest of the game’s DLC I’ve played so far.

At first, it feels like you’re in for some wacky science fiction b-movie shenanigans once you’re introduced to the Think Tank. They’re all whimsical idiots who forget what words are, repeat themselves to elongate their sentences to look smart, and even one of them is bizarrely horny and has a fetish for... innocuous human behavior? Stretching? Yawning? They are neurotic brains in machines who take stuff apart and break it without really creating anything with it, just replicating the same results over and over and none of them seem to notice how stupid they are and it’s amazing. They took your brain, spine, and heart out of your body in an attempt to turn you into a walking vegetable, only for them to become so fascinated with the damage you took from Benny’s bullet that they fuck up the surgery and end up finding a way to keep your intelligence about you with a remote device that connects your brain to the tesla coils in your skull. Their biggest scientific discovery since... who knows how fucking long, was an absolute accident. It could only come about by chance, because you, as an existence alien to the static Big MT, shook things up tremendously. 

But as funny and baffling as all these things could be, the more you explore Big MT, the more apparent it is that for all their quirks the Think Tank are also responsible for some of the most heinous crimes against humanity you can witness in Fallout: New Vegas. They experimented with carnivorous, parasitic plants on human beings, spliced humans, dogs, and robots together, developed nightstalkers and cazadores you see in the base game, used the Sierra Madre casino and its inhabitants as a petri dish for holograms, the claustrophobic hazmat suits, and the poisonous Cloud that killed everyone and turned them into zombies. Their experiments killed all their staff, and not one of them batted an eye to what they did. And their most shocking crime is the repetition of Japanese internment with Chinese hostages, who you can find ghoulified from radiation and are forced to kill them. These prisoners can’t be reasoned with or saved because the Think Tank stripped them from their humanity long ago along with any humanity or rationality that was left in the Big Empty. The only thing they can do as being robbed of their humanity is lash out at anything that still looks human. All throughout the DLC, you are subjected to displays of the Think Tank’s obsessions and cruelties and aimless ambitions, and you wonder why. How did things get this twisted and distortioned? And then you meet Dr. Mobius, and you find out why.

In his introductory segment when you start the DLC, he seems like the parody of the crazed mad scientist terrorizing the slightly less crazy eccentric scientists and the bastard who kidnapped your brain. But when you meet him, he’s like a sweet, confused, senile old man. He’s got an endearing if a little weird addiction to radioactive snacks despite him being a brain in a machine who has no mouth to eat them. He forgets he keeps a giant killer robot scorpion with a OHKO death laser of infinite... death powered on and sucking up energy all the time and that’s why his shit never works. He uses the wrong words on his sentences because they sound like the actual words he means to use. He didn’t just steal your brain, he kept it safe for you. And also, he’s the one who lobotomized the Think Tank into the witless abominations they are now. 

Dr. Mobius witnessed his co-workers, his friends, pushing the boundaries of science further and further into dark places. Terrified for what they might do, he robbed them of their sanity and created an army not to terrorize them, but to keep them busy and from getting out. Dr. Mobius feared for the world, that it might be subjected to one new horror after another. There is great compassion in his actions but also great cruelty. He was so afraid of his friends the new world he trapped them in the old one. That’s where obsession and abhorrence belong, in the big emptiness of the past. It’s so appropriate, that Big MT is misread as “the Big Empty”. Because obsession and madness are an abyss, and also because everything that happened there was meaningless and hollow. There was no purpose to the Think Tank repeating its process of lobotomizing and observing the lobotomites. The great irony is that. That they don’t realize that what they do to human beings is what’s been done to them. Like the nature of all their names, their actions and their philosophies are cyclical and self-consuming. (Ouro)Borous. Zero. (Man)Dala (circle in Sanskrit), 8, Klein and Mobius. They are concepts that loop into themselves, symbolic of the futility of holding on to the grudges and ambitions of the Old World, a world that new only conflict and supremacy and paranoia and hostility. The fact that Mobius had to resort to brainwashing his own colleagues itself is evident even he didn’t know how to let go of the brutal utilitarian methods of the Old World in an effort to save the New One.

And what’s even worse is that didn’t matter anyway, because the mutated abominations that Borous created still found their way into the Mojave anyway. Are we supposed to accept that as a mercy that night stalkers, spores, and cazadores are the only things that slipped through the crater into the desert and be thankful for it? The only thing you can do about it now is say “Enough.” Enough of the Old World and its curses. It has no right to turn this world into a graveyard with it. It has no write to take from it and toy with it. Many times that attachment is played for laughs in Old World Blues, particularly Borous’s anti-communist fixation and enactments of his high school trauma being the basis for a training operation. But when you truly look at it it really feels like gallows humor. How many people do you reckon died in those tests at Lab X-8 because he used the test subjects as a means of catharsis? What was the human cost of that myopic insecurity and resentment? You only have to look around you. The facility is littered with guts. And it’s not the only one that looks like that. Not by a longshot.

So it came my time to also say enough to the Think Tank. I chose to kill them (more like stumbled my way into killing them because you have to thematically cycle through speech and skill checks for Mobius to give you the option of sparing everyone). It was both a roleplay gesture of revenge as much as it was a choice from me as a player to put the Big Empty out of its misery. It was already a graveyard in concept, it had to be made a graveyard in reality.

So that’s it for my review of the story. As for the more physical aspects of the DLC, I’ll say the Big Empty is probably the most interestingly designed setting I’ve ever seen. From the moment I woke up at the top of the Sink’s balcony I fell in love with what I was seeing. The layout includes some interesting platforming and traversal of the terrain from labs to cliffs to caves. Every laboratory houses something useful for you or relevant to the story and it’s easy to circle around the entire map and unlock everything as you go. The exploration comes naturally and you’re always encouraged to go back and look to see if you missed something (which you probably did, because it sure happened to me). One of the best things I found was the stealth suit. I’ve written about it already, but it is simply adorable, quirky, and also very helpful. Getting all its upgrades is worth it and not all that difficult even if it looks like a case of trial and error. There are some neat unlockables in terms of weapons as well like the stuff Elijah and Christine left behind, and lore that elaborates on their time there and Christine’s chase of Elijah to make him pay for his crimes. There is also the excellent set-up of your encounter with Ulysses in Lonesome Road, since he’s left his mark everywhere for you to see, as if luring you and taunting you. The dialogue is some of the wittiest and funniest Fallout’s ever been. The personalities in the Sink’s assistant appliances are so varied and interesting. You have the weirdly horny and seductive seed processor, the germaphobic water sink, the pessimistic and exhausted Muggy mini securitron, the jealous bickering light switches, the radio man juke box, the brave little toaster that could (murder everything), the ultra-patriotic and self-unaware book chute, the compassionate level-headed Auto-Doc, and finally the neutral, loyal, and polite Central Intelligence Monitor. Old World Blues had such an interesting and loveable cast. There is not a single human character in the entirety of the DLC, yet all of those feel vivid and alive. 

Those are my two cents on Old World Blues. A beautifully written, poignant, and entertaining piece of gaming. Now, we move on to Lonesome Road. 

[citymaus]

“There is scenario-planning while running: If you see a white young woman on same path, cross street immediately and try not to make eye contact twice. If white older woman/man on same path, wave/nod/smile, cross street casually. If you’re running behind them and they don’t hear you, cough loudly/clear throat, cross street. If narrow sidewalk, always give way to walkers/bikers and step into the grass or street even though you’ve shattered your ankle twice. Turn volume down on music when passing neighbors. Need to be able to respond should they say something so as not to be profiled as an angry black man.

I’ve been doing mental gymnastics while running since I was 16. I’m 37 now, and I’ll continue doing it for as long as I live. The truth is, I don’t really want to do any of those things, but sadly I’m too concerned with what would happen if I stopped. So at Mile 5, when I’m sucking wind, sweating profusely in 90-degree sweltering heat with an elevated heart rate, you’ll always catch me across the street waving neurotically and smiling. Again, not because I want to, but because I don’t want you to shoot!”

— Benyam Tesfai, Carrollton, Texas

“I have my phone tracker on and have all photos and videos taken on my phone automatically uploaded to three different cloud platforms. I have given some friends and family access to my tracker so they can attempt to find me just in case something were to happen. And I am conscious of what I am wearing to make me not look as if I am “suspicious” or “not doing what I shouldn’t be doing.”“

— Stephanie McGrew, Kirksville, Mo.

“Even in my own neighborhood, I fear. I think about how Trayvon Martin was in his own gated neighborhood when he was followed and gunned down. When it starts to rain a little bit, as it did the night Trayvon was killed, I cut my run short because of what happened to him. I think, They won’t believe I’m just trying to run in the rain.“

— Marren Ellis, Montgomery, Ala.

“This series of essays broke my heart. Each one felt like a gut punch. I am a white woman, blond-haired and blue-eyed, and I run. Without fear. I have run in cities all over the states, Canada and Europe and never felt fear for simply being a jogger. I have engaged my neighbors, I have stopped to take pictures of architecture I like. I have never carried mace or any other protective device. I felt safe in doing all these things. I read this essays and feel the gross unfairness that I have never understood. I am ashamed. Not only because it is real and is happening, but also because I feel helpless—what can I do to fix this?  It feels beyond my ability as a single person to make any impact.”

—comment by Stephanie Hollingsworth

read more: nytimes, 18.05.2020.

[charliewykes]

nightmare travels

"He told me his name was "Lucky." By then I should have taken that as warning sign to request another seat, but he seemed nice and sympathetic. talking about returning to his wife and kids in Fresno. And then there were a few others sitting behind me who got increasingly sketchy--especially after the first night on the train. On top of noticing three to four of the people, "Lucky", and a very ramshackle/overly old and strung out looking couple telling others that they were on their 40th wedding anniversary and had a big bouquet. Where the man's face was so flabby and wrinkled you could barely see his eyes. With a wife who had one of those one sided support canes that run up her elbow, and young-ish looking Asian guy who spoke with them every now and then. Sitting in between the couple and I. Though whenever the train would stop at a station for a bit and people would go outside for a smoke, the couple and "Lucky" hung out and chatted with each other rather often. I'd often smell weed coming from them--as well as chatter about 'spliffs' or whatever else. I securely kept my big with all my most valuables (computer, meds) in a hard to reach area. Though it is possible that they may have gone into my other bag with just my clothes in them--since I saw later saw that the zippers were wide open. But then again I may have left it that way to get a tooth brush or something, since it was over packed was rather difficult to re-close. Now this is where I begin to feel rather paranoid even telling you this part because this is where I sound most paranoid. But I couldn't help but get the impression that the people behind me were talking about me in negative ways and maybe talking the computer I had, or about 'pills in that guys pouch.' But I don't know, I kept hearing things that seemed aimed towards me. Sort of done in a fashion where the woman would be talking in a low whispery volume and then suddenly in a louder voice hear her talking about how some observation of the spectacular view of the Colorado mountains And so throughout the morning and afternoon period, I was conflicted as to whether I was just hearing things (and thus crazy or delusional) or if my edgy instincts were onto something. I also noticed that on the opposite side of the train train car we were in, I could see the reflection of the young Asian man sitting behind me. Where I figured with that angle of reflection, he could probably see me too. Hence perhaps giving some justification of some of odd conversation I was possibly overhearing that seemed directed about me. At that point I took my big bag and went out to the observation car to get away from it but soon the couple walked into the car shortly after. During which I am quite sure (though do want to give some benefit of the doubt that I was just hearing things) I think I overheard the older guy talking on his cell phone with some friend--it sounded like--saying how they got this 'one young fella scared to pieces (to perhaps paraphrase it)--followed by a sort of chuckling sound. I'm not sure if this was before or after, but this "Lucky" guy, who was still happy-go-lucky amicable (almost like a good cop, bad cop routine) asked if he could borrow my phone so he can call his family in Fresno. I just looked at him and shrugged a passive 'No.' After a little bit more time on the train, really trying to consider my options of what to do--believing that I couldn't say anything without coming across as paranoid--as I knew I had no solid evidence to back me up. All I had was my word against theirs, which carried equal weight to someone not involved. Soon I got up from my seat and moved to a few coach cars down and sat in an empty chair. I felt both paranoid and threatened. Feeling that I could not be around in a place where those people had access to. So I chose drop an extra $300 for my own sleeper car from Salt Lake City to Reno (would have been $400 to Emeryville, CA--which the conductors even said it was ridiculous since both are essentially overnight rides). The room was located in the last car of the train, which was were in one section of the train. Not wanting to pass by the four people I found threatening and suspicious. I figured I could get past them without them looking when we reached a station that had cigarette breaks. So I waited in one of the coach cars until the train stopped. Whereby then I got up with my bag of valuables and walked through the car I started my trip in, where the old couple and "Lucky" were predictably absent smoking on the platform. I felt rather vindicated of my so-called 'sanity' as I pulled my bag down and started going to the back of the train car--where my bed was. By which the Asian-man saw what I was doing and I clearly remember seeing and hearing him see me walk away with all my baggage,and then in what appeared to be panic he said a breathy 'Oh shit!' and looked out the window at the platform. I never looked back as I headed to the bottom right corner of the last train car--where I at least was able to get a full night of sleep but still felt weary and neurotic. Yet found waking up to the view of vacant mounds of land outside my window in twilight gave me some ease and further comfort."

_____________

"It kinda went from being a Jack Kerouac-ian, 'On The Road' Americana fantasy to a 21st century nightmare in the middle of the Arizona desert on Halloween of 2014... ironically...."

“So I, uh, got on a Greyhound bus in this crappy little town called Blythe on the border of California and Arizona. I mean they didn't even have a rental car service, which is why I ultimately opted for the bus in the first place—after a bad situation I got in the day before when riding from LA.”

“And so, uh, the only seat available--or that didn't have someone's bag on it--was in the far back where I sat down--and then a guy showed up and sat next to me who had been sitting there.”

“And the back of this bus was just insane. There was this crazy shirtless guy who just owned the far back seats and he was just running back and forth making a ruckus, having a great time being loud. Where in the middle of the ride the driver told him to quiet down and he yelled and I could see the intimidation in the driver's eyes, from which he just backed down.”

“And so the guys I was sitting next to—at least three of them—who looked Mexican. You know, I hope that doesn't sound terrible....”

He let's a self-conscious sigh.

“So they all had tattoos--to varying degrees. I mean, the guy in the back was fucking shirtless. He was like John Malkovich in 'Con Air', just a skinny bald mad man with tattoos all over his body.”

“And so, uh, when the ride started I kind of interacted with the guy I was sitting next to—I had the window seat; He came on after I got on the bus, he must been inside the gas station store where the bus picked me up.”

“And I tried to be friendly and amicable to him but after a short while he started to kind of turned away from me and began to speak in hushed tones to one of the guys across from him and nudged in my direction and whispered something to him; and I remember hearing the guy's reaction which was like 'Nah, I just got out of prison.' And then from there I started to think 'Uh-oh...'”

“And so I think the guys started talking amongst each other. And then one of the guys, I think the sort of the shirtless ring leader, went into the bathroom and was in there for a bit and then he came out and when he sat down I thought I saw that they were passing something in their mouth.”

“From which I thought was some type of sharp object, like a prison shank, which they were forming and from the movies I'd seen I was afraid they were getting ready to stab me.”

“I mean, that's when you know you've led a sheltered life, when your reference to any unfamiliar situation are movies."  

“So from there I got up to move seats, and then shirtless crazy guy in the back seats was like 'Oh! Are you going to the Principal's office?' and I just muttered back 'Something like that....' and they were all laughing and ribbing each other as I went halfway down the bus.”

“And so I chose to sit with  this really big muscular guy who was seated halfway down the bus. Where somehow I had this idea that if anything happened he could help defend me but as soon as I asked him if I could sit in his open seat and was settling in, he turned back to the people in the back and smiled 'Aww man, now you brought him up here' which wasn't the best sign....”

“And so I sat next to him, and I was struckthat he was listening to his iPhone in one hand, and then on another he'd pull out some type of android tablet from the aisle side and put it down.”

“I dunno if it's true, but I had this creeping suspicion that he was passing it up and down the aisle and using it as a means to communicate with these guys--or maybe it was his own and he just pulled out from a bag.”

“And so, during this time I was super-hyper vigilante and trying to keep an eye out for what was going on behind and around me.”

“But then suddenly out of nowhere, I heard this skinny white girl who was sitting with them in the back who was using a MacBook Air; which I found it rather strange 'cause throughout the ride they weren't bothering her and she just seemed so out of place to be among this group, you know, arguably ex-cons.”

“But nevertheless, this is the turning point—by the way. I suddenly hear her say my name out loud—my full name. And started answering these guys questions like 'Oh where's he from?' 'He's from New York.' 'Whoah, what is he doing out here?' 'How old is he?' 'He's.... 26 years old.' 'He looks like he's like 20 or something!'” And she just continued with it.”

“She told them where I worked and even had links to poems I'd written and started reading them out loud and they all were commenting on them.”

As implausible as this sounds the first question most may ask is “How? How could anyone find all this information out?”

Suddenly John's back straightens and he sits up and engages with eye contact.

“When this happened I had a more intense certainty of what it was but now I try to veer upon saying that I don't know. I mean, I know it all happened. I'm certain of it.”

“Now, one of the more unsettling things was that I looked at my LinkedIn profile and on the day of this... thing that happened to me there were about a dozen anonymous or private profiles that looked at my account. Which...”

He chuckles nervously.

“... at the time I might get a handful or half a dozen a week—but never so many In one day. And I had an iPhone at the time which I'd failed to update the main software to the latest one, from which I later read that there was a massive security flaw which could allow hackers to get into my phone—particularly if we're at least somewhat connected to the Greyhound bus's wifi....”

At this moment he briefly lightened up. Maybe talking about such details allowed him to detach himself from the horror recounted and soon sank back into the back of the couch. Eyes looking away as if he could see what happened in some invisible pool conjured in the carpet.

“And so from there my entire sense of self-fortitude just shattered. It didn't make any difference now to keep an eye over my shoulder anymore, I was just resigned looking out the window into this Arizona desert that looked endless in every direction. I was close to concluding I was gonna die out here....”

His lower lip began to quiver.

“Just in such terrible shock. And the guy I was sitting next to was quiet and then I simply stated 'Wow, it's crazy how things just happen like this.' And without looking at me he asked 'Well it's just life. How old are you? '26', I said.”

“And he was like "Damn man, I have a daughter that's 24. She's out having fun. You should be out having fun." and I just said somberly "I am having fun...." to which he chuckled and looked at me with a smile 'Don't worry, you'll be alright.' And I didn't get much reassurance from that.”

“I don't even they were still talking about me or reviewing my poetry that I had links to on my LinkedIn, but I just got up in my seat and went straight to the front of the bus. Immediately, I think the back may have blown up in a bonanza, or maybe it's when I finally got off the bus.”

“But I told the driver I thought these people were going to kill me; I mean I'd totally lost it by then. Regardless of their intentions or what was really going on I felt in danger and had to get off this bus.”

“So in spite of the bus's lone crew man who sat in the front row offering for me to sit with him I demanded to be let off. I was willing to trudge through the desert, which would have been fucking terrible—heh! But the driver let me off at a gas station in a small town called Tanopah that had a population of fifty fucking people in it—and long story short I returned home to New York the next day.”

[fantroll-purgatory]

I’m doing a Fansession with trolls based off social media,this one is YouTube,hope you like it!!!! (SA Here! How many of these are you planning on? There’s a lot of social media out there!)

Planet/Universe:alternia

Name:Videre Zolyna Videre means “see” on Latin,Zolyna is modified Solina which means “tube/pipe” on Greek (Not a lot of comments about the name, as it scans and sounds about right for a Troll name. But, I quickscanned this troll as soon as it came in and I instantly knew where this troll’s weakness came from, and it starts here: Overcommitment to a theme. You’re halfway to making this character The Beholding from The Magnus Archives, you’re so fixated on this eye-idea (eyedea?). We’re going to have to cut open this one’s stomach and add more stuffing so he stands upright.) (Actually... You know what? We’re gonna make this character a monster. Buckle up, we’re about to have some fun.) (This is where a quick “concept blurb” would do me wonders: All seeing, all knowing, all watching: Videre Zolyna, the mysterious and underground famous creator of TrollTube, a video hosting platform that has completely turned this cycle on its head. Known for his internet persona of an easygoing, laid-back Rustblood who just so happens to have random, incredible things happen to him whenever he’s recording, Videre is a master technopath, and uses his newfound platform to spy on the lives of anyone who’s recording to his network...)

6 sweeps old (13 human years)

Strife Specibus:Mic kind,he speaks on his mic to cause damage,also you can use it as a sword!!!! (Wait. Hold up. Right here. “You can use it as a sword”?? Sir, what kind of microphones have you buying at Troll Target? This is the singular place where you deviate from the Eyes motif, and ordinarily, I’d be all for it. But if you’re going to center a troll on one sense, keeping it to Vision would make more sense, not less.) (I’m actually gonna recommend something with a visual component. You know how old-timey cameras had that whole explosion for flash photography? Weaponizing that has SO many fun applications!)

Fetch Modus:unboxing modus,he needs to record him unboxing his items (I actually like this a lot. This expands on your gimmick, instead of being a slave to it. Content generation!)

Blood color:since the colors need to go with the media,he needs to be Red/Rust

Symbol: play symbol from YouTube

Trolltag: I’m making my own tag rule, it’s the MEDIA rule, I’m stuck with his tag,I only have Espectating but can’t find the other part…. (I... am not sure what word you were aiming at here. “Expecting”? “Spectating”? If we’re going with the Eye Motif, I’d lean for Spectating. Always watching!)

Quirk:pll>y >nd stop,double L and > instead of A

Special Abilities:none but the normally found on Rust bloods ones….

(That would be Necromancy and Telekinesis, for reference.)

(For the angle I’m going with this review, having him expand his telekinetic powers to fake things on camera and do all the recording work hands-free sounds useful to me!)

Lusus:I have no lusus for now…. (Rust lusii tend to be herbivores! Though, if you wanted to be edgy, you could write in that his lusus died- maybe that was part of what got him into making videos, and being someone new on screen! That bending of perception to distract from his own issues.)

Personality:he is kind of charming and relaxed,the kind of person you would like to watch on trolltube,but Don’t expect this if you engage in a discussion with him! (What does this mean exactly? Yes he’s not who he is on screen, but then, like, who is he? I’m gonna suggest making him kind of neurotic, obsessed with details. Someone who really doesn’t like conversing with people who aren’t actively giving him that sweet ad revenue.)

Interests:challenges(think of jelly bean or ice cube,he does everything his followers tell him to do),watching stuff that might be interesting or click baited,having fun =) (Here’s another place where I talk about overcommitment to gimmick. Nobody’s entire life and hobbies are their job, even at the age of 13. I actually think I had more hobbies at 13 than I do now as an adult with a career, not less. “Having fun” is not a hobby, you have fun by doing hobbies.) (Some of these are obvious- filmography! He likes to record things. Where does this come from? My high concept take is to make it an extension of greed and an extension of a desire for control. I think an interest in special effects, and possibly film theory is in order. Maybe he likes building models? Or organizing? Things that started off as just things (to feel control, but also because they feel good) he did that we monetized for ~his brand~ if you wanna portray his youtube career as (as it often happens) destroying and taking over his sense of self?)

Title: I’m not sure about this, he likes to see stuff,so maybe he might be a SEEr???? (Wrong approach. Classpect isn’t about things you like. It’s about things you are and could become. John was never, like “gee I sure love wind and the thing that it does!” It was a thing that was his destiny, his (admittedly static) development as a person. Classpect is a crucible, it shapes. You have to ask yourself: What purpose does this character serve to his team in Sburb? Where does he start and end?) (This is kind of a classic Mind player. I wrote a Mind Celebrity up at one point, and so I’m taking a few points from CD’s lovely analysis on how Mind works for this: Youtubers are Personalities before anything else, and their concerns are the perceptions and thoughts of the people watching them. Mind players deal in choices and who we become because of those choices (and so inverts to Heart, the Self, the Soul).)

(I’m giving this character Witch, to reinforce my idea that this character is a meddler, a fixer, a controller. Someone who makes contrivances happen and who bends the truth of who he is by the curvature of his camera’s lens. Someone who uses his powers to turn cameras on and off at will, who summons ghosts to fake hauntings, who couldn’t bear for anyone to find out that the person he is on the internet isn’t who he really is.)

Land:hmmmm (Shade and Dominoes. No lighting effects will save you from the all encroaching darkness of this wooded glade of a planet. Crows caw ominously in the distance, ruining every take without fail. Endless trails of dominoes just wait, covered in moss and dust, to be knocked over. But what happens when they fall? What lies at the end of the path? And can Videre bear the chaos that will be wrought once he has to knock down the final rock of stillness that surrounds him?)

Dream planet:prospit (Based on what you wrote about being a different person off camera, this character is likely a Dersite. Prospite characters are to their core sincere, and have difficulty keeping themselves under wraps. This character is explicitly dichromatic- classic Dersite behavior.)

[raindrenchedstories]

Sheltered.

Lord howdy I found a finished AU of forever home. Tossing it here

Things had changed over the years. Bear noticed some of the major changes first upon leaving the hospital. The trouble with being a giant was how long one could live in a sort of coma while healing, for several hundred years. It was a credit to Archibalds character to stay with him the whole time in the hospital. Even agreeing to taking the big fuzzball in. He'd just finished moving in to the mountain made home. So many things had changed, but Archibald himself, was one of the biggest changes there. Not personality wise, but physically. "You're starting to get your stones in I see." Bear commented casually. Archibald gave an indignant look before realizing what Bear had meant. Glancing at a series of stone plates growing off his shoulders like great platforms. "Yes well... I've been meaning to buff these down, or break them off. Birds keep trying to nest on me." He shrugged. For a mountain giant, the formation of rocks on their person was sort of like growing a beard. They only had so much control over it. "I think if you just round them out they'd look nice. Polish them a bit, you know." Bear wasn't much older than Archibald, merely two decades older really. Given that, he always seamed to have a wizened expression after the war. He used to be such a jolly fellow, now he was a little more sombre. A little less boisterous. It broke Archibalds heart really. He hoped this would bring a smile to the mans face, but started to doubt it. "Any how, your looks, your choice. So, what are we doing exactly?" They stopped outside a pet shelter, arriving just at the perfect time. Archibald gave Bear a small grin, opening the door for him. "What do you think?" Bear entered with a bit of curiosity, searching around. Another thing had changed. It seamed. Last Bear checked, humans were a bloody myth. As a small child, Bear had always had a soft spot for stories with humans in them. Now he found they were, in fact, real. Now, he saw a section of the shelter presenting several human beings, most balled up in corners, others holding the bars of their little cages. "Arch... Just how long have-" "A little after the war pal. They don't live half as long as even a dwarf. But they make for good little companions. I want you to pick one out. Give you a little buddy around the house."

* Somewhere near the back wall, Richter woke to the sound of the shelter bell, smiling softly as he stretched out. His new neighbour gave a startled yelp as he pressed back against the cage. He'd only arrived off the street two days ago. Apparently he'd had a chip, but after that, Richter knew nothing about him. He was always jumpy, and clarified that before the shelter, he'd only been handled twice. Once when he was chipped, and the day he was caught. Richter himself had been a born and raised therapy 'tiny' as he was often called. Though recently he'd ended up in the shelter after... he was no longer needed in his household. With a sigh he leaned against the wall nearest the startled newcomer. "Chill, it's a door bell." "Yes but there's giants!" The other snapped, leaving Richter to snicker. "Yes, but they can't catch you twice. Look, they're probably just looking into a hell pup or phoenix. You'll be fine." Richter ended up eating those words as the taller of the two led the other to the human section of the shelter. "Well...There's still plenty of people to pick from. Your odds are low." The two men eyed at least three or four different cages before passing the pair. The bearded one gazed in wide eyed at the other man first. Flinching away when the man actively hid under his bed. Richter rolled his eyes dramatically with a groan. This seamed to bring the other giants attention though. A harsh yellow glare falling over him a moment. "Will, what about this one?" The bespectacled giant placed a hand on the bearded ones shoulder. A finger outstretched to Richters cage. Richter himself stood still, but gave a casual shrug. The giant did indeed turn his attention to Richter and even smiled back, leaning in for a better look. Richter stretched his arms out as he'd been taught from birth, showing himself off slightly. This, 'Will' glanced over him quickly, a bit of a concerned expression over taking him. "Arch, is there something wrong? He's ah, he's just standing there." This took Richter by surprise, breaking his professional demeanour and causing him to burst into laughter. "Nothing's wrong with him. He's just being polite and letting you see him." The other clarified, glancing down to Richter. Clearly sharing the confusion. The others had either cowered back, or turned a cold shoulder. Not many people found their way to a shelter on good terms after all. Many of them had been removed from abusive homes. Or were given up for a poor attitude in the first place. The golden eyed giant turned to the shelter staff a moment. Pointing Richter out again. "Is this guy just waiting to be picked up or?" "No, he's up for adoption. We don't display anyone with a home." The young woman smiled brightly a moment. Richter just gave a soft sigh. Starting to walk closer for the two to see him. His neighbour began hissing questions and encouragement to stay away at him. But Richter ignored this with a smile to the man. Finally he gathered some courage and spoke up. "I apologize for the confusion gentlemen. It's been a long time since anyone has given me any real thought. So I just defaulted to what I know." He ended off in a guilty smile. The Bearded one blinked a bit. "Well, aren't you just the charmer? Arch. You didn't tell me they were intelligent." The giant gave his companion an accusatory glare before turning back to Richter. "You're not scared of us?" "Nah. I was born and raised around giants. I think Jess has my pedigree if you like." In response the girl raised a series of gold coloured papers into the air briefly. His neighbour kicked up a fuss soon after, flailing from under the bed and into view. "You have a goddamned PEDIGREE? And you're proud of it!?" The giant followed up soon after. "Wait, That implies that these little guys are..." The other cut in soon enough. "I know, I know. It's REALLY weird. But our war nearly drove them to extinction. This was the best solution we found. It was more than a few centuries ago." "And there are a few dozen laws keeping us safe from abuse. Don't worry sir. Breeders are screened very carefully." Richter assured. Only to be scoffed at from the man beside him. "Yeah. Bang up job those do. Explain the mills then why don't you?" Richters other neighbour, the one to the right, spat. "Well, no law is perfect." Richter smiled a moment, only to receive several series of jeers and curses from his own kind. The other man just shook his head. "Typical goldy. Too far wrapped up in your perfect little world to notice what's actually happening. If you guys are looking for a sweet little pet. There's your man." Bear stood in astonishment. Now torn between taking one of the frightened ones, or taking the only one who actually wanted a home. He turned to Archibald for some form of guidance, only to get a baffled expression and confused shrug. "Don't be so hard on the guy!" That snapped the collective attention back to the man on the left. Causing him to cringe back a bit. "I-I mean he's HERE right? So he hasn't had it all good right?" Richter shook his head in response. "N-no. I am here due to unfortunate circumstances but it's not... It's not like yours at all I'll admit." He rubbed the back of his neck shyly glancing at the Giants for any form of relief from all the attention. Anything to get away from prying questions digging up his past. Unfortunately, the clerk decided to bring it to the forefront. "Flops is right. Richter's had his fair share of misery. Hell, he's a therapy pet. You think THAT'S easy?" The man went stiff, locking every muscle in his body as the questions came. Not from the giants, but the humans. "What? Therapy? Why isn't he in circulation then eh? Is he sick?" Richter took a deep breath, shrinking back a bit as the clerk placed that final nail in his coffin. "No he's just retired. Pets can't be therapy companions when they're emotionally unstable themselves. I mean, I don't blame him. Master up and dying like that. Looks like they were close. Parents gave him up because he reminded them of his master too much."

* Bear glanced at Richter, Watching him steadily grow uncomfortable. His heart broke a little seeing the mans composure falter like it was. Even watching as he acted just like the rest of them, huddling back and away. "Arch, can we talk a moment?" He pulled the other giant away, taking up the humans pedigree to read through it. "So... We're taking Richter right?" Archibalds expression mirrored Bears perfectly. Concern, sorrow, and overall heartache for the little fellow. "Yeah. But... Will he be okay with the two of us? He needs some stability, not a pair of war vets with more emotional baggage than a neurotic freighter." They shared a moment of thought, before Archibald thumped a fist into his palm. "So we get him a companion. Another male.” Bear gave him smirk. “Wh-I have nothing against females, but the legal loopholes and obligations that come with having opposite gender pairs just... No."

He shook his head with a grumble. "I REALLY don't want to be arrested because a pet fell in love." "So, the scardy cat? I think he's the only one who doesn't hate the little guys guts right now." Bear gave a shrug. Archibald only hummed, thinking it through. "That depends on his personality. I'll... I'll chat with the clerk, she knows them better than we do." Archibald turned his attention to the girl smiling. Miss? May I have a moment? We'll be taking the calm one, Richter I think his name is? We're considering taking another as well but... Do you have a bit of history on any of them?" As Archibald spoke with the woman, Bear moved over to Richter. Seeing a tiny look of bright confusion. "Well, what do you think?" It was a bit of a confusing statement, Bear knew. But he had to ask anyhow. "About...About me going home with you? Or what?" The human stood up slowly. Shivering off a little bit of that discomfort from before. "I-I really don't know what to say." Their attention turned back to Archibald as he came closer, gazing in to view the more jumpy man to the left. "Well, I've made my choice. Ready to go you two?" The earth giant straightened with a small huff. Glancing at the two a moment he finally smirked. "Three I guess. Richter, you already know Flopsy." He gestured to the man he'd just looked in at. Only for the man to pipe up again. "That's NOT my name!" Archibald gave him a quizzical look. "It's the name on your chip. Of course, that can be changed. I just have to register you again." The man shrunk back a bit, before cluing in on what Archibald was saying. "Wait! I don't want to go home with YOU!" The clerk unlocked both cages as he spoke. She reached in for Richter first. As he was the easier of the two to handle.

* "Well, too bad. I've already signed the papers. William. I suggest you do the same for Richter.” Said human found himself being transferred into the broad palms of the Bearded giant. Carefully sliding down until he sat flat in his hands. Richter couldn't help but pipe up again now. "Wait. So are you two roommates? Or....Oh. Oh! Well... They say getting a pet together is a big step. Good idea getting something self sufficient." Archibald turned bright red. Almost fumbling when the second man had been handed to him. Stammering his words in an unsteady caterwaul. "I-It's not like that! We're just- We aren't-" William gave a short chuckle. "No no. Just roommates. I just got out of the hospital from something quite serious. Archibald is letting me live with him for a while until I can get back on my feet." With that, the being made his way to the desk, filling his name into the appropriate places. He kept Richters name the same, but filed the new address down as both his, and Archibalds. Soon enough the two were placed in a little box made of soft wood. Richter could hear the fees being paid, and the one he knew as William trying to convince the other to let him pitch in. Not long after, they lifted high into the air. Richter had to place his hands on two walls in a corner to steady the ride. Even with the giant carrying them so carefully, the box swayed to and fro like a ship at sea. For Richter, it was soothing really. "Well... Good day isn't it? I never got your actual name." The other man had done something similar, only he was nearly climbing the wall to escape. "It's... It's Neil. Just tell me how can you be so calm?" Richter shrugged, looking up through one of the air holes in their quiet little box. "Therapy tiny remember? I was raised to be calm and relaxed. Panicking, well it would make me undesirable right?" The other man raised a brow, finally settling in the bottom of the box. "Sure. So. Why didn't you talk about your past before? You could have at least said you were a goldy." "Really? In that crowd? Nah. They were better off not knowing. Besides. It really doesn't matter." Richter slumped forward, listening to the conversation going on outside the box. Something about their cages. And Archibalds shoulder rocks. Neil seamed to lose himself in concentration before groaning. "I'm a milly." This caught Richter off guard, and the man gave him a stunned glance. "Sorry?" "Someone born in one of the mills. Small cages, people in distress, no proper care. That's me. I broke out when I was twelve. One of the older kids in my cage had dug a tunnel. But sale day came early, and anyone who could pass as an adult was going to be taken. So he sent me through the hole. Before the mill owners saw me." He glanced at Richter a moment before shrugging. "Small troupe not far off found me struggling to feed myself. They took me in from there. Rest is history." He waved a hand dismissively Not even looking at Richters shocked expression. "Ever since then, I've been wary of those big brutes. Now I'm being taken home by one." Neil folded his arms, glaring out the window nearest Archibald. "I'm...Sorry to hear that. Why bring it up though?" Richter tucked his knees to his chest concentration on Neil now. "Well, I know about your past. Now you now about mine." The two were interrupted by a sort of sparking noise. Causing Richter to cringe, covering his head. Soft whimpers were brought forward as Richter squeezed his eyes shut. No matter how hard he'd tried, travel gates were always a problem. He was only partially aware of a soft noise making it's way to him. A soft pressure pressed against his shoulders, making him look towards the source. Neil blinked at him. Concern written all over his expression. "Sorry.” He tried to smile it off. Only to find Neils expression blank.

Finally the other human shook his head and leaned against him. “No worries. It’s a common problem. Try holding your breath as we pass through.”

The stomach churning feeling of being physically moved from one corner of the world to another via a sort of magical pull came and went. Leaving Richter to inhale and exhale slowly. They were through, they were somewhere truly far from the shelter now.

He contemplated how things would be, in this new home. Richter was only ever intended to be kept by one person, until he passed on.  This, this seamed to be an improvement. “Can’t wait to see the new place.”  He remarked.

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

Project Neon (Developer Blog)

I’m working on a videogame, and you’re all going to love it. Following the release of Nebulamen (which you can find HERE), I managed to retrieve an old project from my crashed-and-broken laptop and I’ve resumed working on it. It has a proper title, but it’s ready for public consumption, I’ll be referring to it as ‘Project Neon’ here on the blog. However, I do want to share some of the cool things about it with you.

The Level Aesthetic This is easily the coolest-looking game I’ve ever made. As the codename suggests, every level is drenched in multicoloured neon. That neon aesthetic is used to depict ridiculous, over-the-top cityscapes packed with visual gags and references. I’ll post screen-caps soon to show you what I mean. In the meantime, I don’t think I’d be giving too much away if I said that playing through Project Neon is like bouncing around a nightsky lit up by fireworks and sleazy signs. Designing it has been a pleasure and it’s a joy just to look at.

The Story Aesthetic In my previous games, I’ve used scrolling text screens and text boxes to tell the story and advance the plot. This time around, the story is told through full-fledged comic strips. I would never describe my art as ‘great’ or even particularly good, but I’m pleased with what I’ve produced for the most part. The strips have a unique, cartoon-y look to them that I think does a great job of showing off the characters’ expressions and contributing to the mood of the game. If you’ve played anything I’ve made before, I think you’ll appreciate the difference these strips make.

The Dialogue I’m having a ridiculous amount of fun writing the dialogue for Project Neon. The two lead characters are essentially gutter-thugs on the lowest rung of their world’s criminal ladder. They’re also waaaay too into their lifestyle and waaaay too out of touch with reality. All that means that I’ve had the chance to write the most depraved, funny, off-beat dialogue I’ve done in a game. In my previous projects, the dialogue has mostly been about carrying the story forward and conveying the stakes of the adventure. The comic-strip format and profoundly unheroic characters have given me the chance to loosen up and create organic conversations that don’t necessarily impact on the story. For example, there are tangential discussions about how Beethoven and Mozart are cheap hacks compared to superior talents like Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine (they’re a real band by the way), and polysyllabic descriptions of shit-hole towns that I won’t spoil here because they’re so much funnier in context. I know it’s bad form to praise one’s own writing, but I can’t overstate what a good time I’ve had writing the lines for this game. If you have half as much fun reading it as I did writing it, it’ll be worth it.

The Gameplay If you’ve played anything I’ve made before, you know I like old-school platforming a lot. This time round, though, there’s a major added element: gunplay! Both the main characters and their enemies can take multiple hits, meaning that you’ll have to dodge and weave as you exchange gun fire with enemies. There are actually two player characters. One of them has a relatively week weapon but can fire it while moving and jumping. They’re also physically fit and can move quickly. The other one is out of shape and not particularly dexterous, but packs a ludicrously powerful hand-cannon that can kill most things in one hit. It can only be fired while standing still, however. It’ll be interesting to see how players adept to playing both roles. There are also levels that challenge you in other ways. At the moment, there’s a level where you have to bounce off your own hallucinations to attain the greatest altitude possible (it makes sense when you play it, I promise). I’m also planning to add a level where your ride a missile and another where you jump out of a helicopter and have to avoid various obstacles as you fall towards a target on the ground.

The World I deliberately set out to create the most exaggeratedly sleazy, neurotic game-world possible and then tell a story set in the most unhinged, fucked up social strata of that world. I don’t want to spoil any of the actual world-building that takes place in the game, but the practical upshot is that there’s a whole of weird sex, drugs, violence, casual criminality, political scheming, medical malpractice, bright pink muscle cars and pizza. Not to boast, but it’s balls-to-the-wall awesome.

I’ll keep y’all posted on the development cycle. I expect the game to ready for release within six months (hopefully a lot sooner), as I’ve already created most of the tools and components that I need to build the levels with. Aside from the unique levels that take place outside the game’s established mechanics, it’s now just a question of designing aesthetic details, adding one or two new enemy-types for variety and blending everything together.

I can’t wait to share this one with you lovely people. It’s going to be amazing.

[centaurianthropology]

The Women of ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ are a Huge Reason Why You Should Watch and Fight for Renewal of this Show

Can we talk about how varied the women of ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ are allowed to be?  Usually a show may have one ‘quirky’ female character.  But every character, male or female, are weird on this show.  And it gives us a variety of awesome women I don’t think I’ve ever seen before on television.

I think that this is especially relevant, as BBCAmerica just cancelled it.  Netflix, however, is the primary distributor for this show in all countries but America, and AMC Studios is strongly considering becoming the primary funding source of a season 3.  

So if you’re a non-American wanting an excuse to get over to Netflix come January 5 and start binging a new show (or a show you watched for the first season and are now stoked for the second) with a ton of amazing characters, let me try to inspire you.  And for the US viewers, you can consider finally dropping the money on the DVDs or BluRays.  And everyone can contact Netflix to let them know how much you want them to go all-in on season 3.  Seriously, this is a show that is well worth your time and pertinent to your interests.  Let me tell you why:

Amanda is allowed to go from a shut-in who defined herself by illness to a visionary witch with the power to heal the universe.  She finds a family with a bunch of homeless energy vampires who adore her and will follow her wherever she goes, and will do whatever she asks of them.

Farah is a phenomenal badass who is also completely neurotic and self-sabotaging, and these two states are allowed to exist side-by-side as part of a complicated and awesome woman.  She shatters all the Strong Female Character archetypes and I adore her.

Bart is someone who is never made ‘pretty’ (the subversion of the clean-her-up-and-she’s-a-supermodel trope when she gets a shower was incredible), and who is constantly struggling with her identity as a holistic assassin.  She’s destructive but child-like, joyful but sad.  She’s one of my favorite television characters ever.

Tina Tevetino is a woman who struggled with drug and alcohol addiction.  She joined the sheriff’s office purely to hang out with her best friend.  She’s openly bisexual and a fantastically non-judgmental person.  She has to find her courage and become a good cop through her experiences, but she never loses what makes her unique.

Suzie Boreton is a woman who hated her life, and who defined herself by her misfortunes.  She was unable to take responsibility for her own life, or any of her mistakes, and instead embraced her own selfishness and refashioned the world around her to suit herself.  Seeing her downward trajectory was perfectly in-character, and one of my favorite arcs of season 2.

Mona Wilder is a person who only identifies as a human female some of the time.  She prefers to exist as an inanimate object, and the longer she stays in a shape, the less she wants to return to her original body.  We don’t know much about her, aside from the fact that she’s sweet and turns into a cannon to protect her friends.

And there are so many more!

Litzibitz Trost is a cowgirl in a fantasy land who wants to fight for a peaceful resolution of a generations-long conflict between two families.

Wilson is the woman with ultimate oversight over Blackwing, who controls the funding and everything else in the program.

Wakti Wapnasi is a snail woman with immense powers.

Lydia Spring got her mind swapped with a corgi’s.

There’s an awesome lady with a giant hammer in a fantasy land.

And the Beast is ... the Beast.

Oh yeah, and a bonus?  The season 2 fairy-tale love story looks like this:

And our hero is a rainbow colored holistic detective who all but came out in the season 2 finale.  We need the opportunity to see this explored!

I just really love this show, and I want it to have a third season.  And the only way to do that is to show up in droves at Netflix, and to contact their representatives here at help.netflix.com/en to let them know that you want ‘Dirk Gently’ to get a new lease on life on a platform that supports its bingable format and ability to be the most interesting and fresh show on television.

[so-tell-me-will]

In no other place (external) that we deal with color are we dealing with keynotes that have so many different ways in which they can be deconstructed. Because there really are so many ways they can be deconstructed. And it is really important because this is something I have encouraged always in my students at this level to really think about the variations in your own way of looking at things where you can see the deconstruction of these values. But let’s begin so you can have a sense of what I mean. Let’s begin with caves.

Obviously in terms of the organization of human beings, why did we organize? One of the main reasons we organized was for security. That is one of the fundamental reasons why we organized. And in so many ways you can see that the lower half is all about being secure and the upper half is about going out and conquering the world. Two very different things. This all begins in environments rooted in being secure.

And there is something essential about a cave that gives an incredible value in the life. Because what it really says about anyone who has a cave environment is that the only way you are ever really going to be nurtured in this life is if you are in control of your space…

…My description of wealth is when one can afford one’s own unique space. It is the greatest privilege of wealth because for most of our history we have been crowded together. And this crowding together was obvious it was about security. However if you are a modern 9-centered being and you are carrying a 1st color environment your control of your space is the only thing that is going to bring you that security and that security is a very, very important element in your life.

And another thing about a cave person who needs to control their space and be secure one of the things that happens to them as not-self is that that’s exactly what they don’t have in their life…

So what does it mean to be secure and be cave’s environment? And remember again cave is the best way of understanding that environment and place are two very different things. Your cave can be anywhere literally…

This is the protective spacesuit that you put on to navigate in this maia cause that’s really what it is. You follow your dietary regimen to nurture the perfection of the form principle itself. And you nurture your life through your environment...

So what is that cave? What

does it mean? Control your space. Think about how difficult it is to control your space. Think about how difficult it is for the child. The vast majority of children that are going to come on this plane today, aside from the hospitals and crowded maternity wards and whatever that the vast majority of these children are not going to come in into a space that is their own. They will be in their parents space and when they are older they will be in their siblings space. The luxury of space is something in developed countries we take for granted...

When is see somebody that has a cave child/baby the very first thing that I tell them is that make sure that from where they are sleeping they can never see more than 1 door. Let’s take the average bedroom, it is going to have at least 2 doors. Normally an entry door and let’s say a closet. If it is an ensuite there is a 3rd door there is an entrance to the bathroom and those kinds of things. For that child, their psyche it is going to be deeply disturbed if where from they are laying, all three of them of these or 2 doors are visible. These are children that are going to have nightmares, that are going to be afraid of those things that bump into them at night, or are going to end up being the kind of children that don’t let the light be turn off and need the door left open, and all of these things, and all of it is this deep underlying insecurity because 1.2 billion children, 1.2 billion people are cave people. It’s an approximate number but it’s still over a billion…

And of course all of these people are made terribly neurotic and uncomfortable. And their physical health is in danger because they are meeting all kinds of resistance if they are not in an environment that is correct for them.

If you are a cave person you need to control your environment. The easiest way to control it is that there is one way in, and one way out…

What is the modern cave? It is not just the bedroom, your office. If you get a job and you have to work in a communal space it is never going to work for you. never ever as a cave person, you need your cave. You need that isolated space even if it’s putting up barriers around you…you need to control your exit and entry of your space.

The car. This is one of those incredible cave places for a modern human being. To be able to get into that car and hear those doors lock, and you are in control of that environment and that space, for some people that is deeply comfortable and rewarding…

Caves there is many levels. Think about what that means in your life. You are in a huge public restaurant with entrances, and exits, and doors to the kitchen and all kinds of things, and you meet that person of your dreams, good luck! You are not protected, you are not aligning yourself to the frequency that is correct for you, the only beings that are ever going to be correct for you are the beings that honor your space…

If you are a cave person and you control the door oh does it feel good to lock it sometimes, just lock it, the hell with them out there. Or to be able to point to the door when somebody is inside and tell them to go. It is your space, it is the way your life has to be. It is the way your life has to operate. It operates out of caves, always controlling your space. You see then you really have a nurtured form.

We have to live a long time. It takes a long time this process, we are Uranian creatures. We don’t have a saturnian 30 year floor plan, it is 84 years, it takes a long time. And there is a lot of wear and tear, particularly if one has been conditioned for one’s life. This is your armor, this is your teflon protection in a mad, mad world. This is what allows you to be secure int his world…

Whatever the dietary regimen is, if this person has quiet as an example, and their life is intended to be quiet, it is intended to be quiet in caves…

If you are left, when you are in your environment and you are correct, it is others who want you. This is what you need, you need to be focused and busy. If you’ve got a left environment you need a career you need something that you are really into, you need good seductive hobbies. For the kinds of things that you can immerse yourself in. It is about being active its not in that sense needing the environment to do something for you. it is very different than if you are right, you are then the observer you use the environment as your platform to take in…

The right beings take advantage of their environment, so their environment has to stimulate them. The left are stimulating…

Selective and blending…

First of all about the nature of the selective that is only allowing very, very specific beings access to the cave. Always ready to mix of kinds of forces, in terms of still being able to be secure because ultimately they are the door person, they are the one that are going to control the door…

And something I want to give you a hint of. Think about the left side…

Say you have 1st tone underneath your environment it means that that environment for that cave person the smell of that cave is going to be very important to them. It is not about the sense of smell the way it is related to the brain in which it is about differentiating and digesting information. It is about an environmental quality...

It also says something about the way in which the nature of the 2nd tone is going to operate, that is the whole sampling process of what it is to find that perfect cave…

And once that perfect cave is there to maintain that, it is where taste and its stylish derivatives are all there, this sampling of environment to get the right environment, it is also depending on what it it can also be a sampling of other environments in order to be influenced, in terms of decorating the environment whatever. The other things is that it is in the environment that the proper sampling can take place in other words remember if we are dealing with taste we are dealing with people who are open and closed they either throw them out or don’t let them in, this is all about being able to have this opportunity to sample things and to check things out. And then you have the outer vision. You pardon my sense of humor but you need a cave with a view. You do quite literally. All of these qualities that are there underneath, they literally have a value. It is all about this refinement, it is differentiation that takes place in what our unique environments are all about…

Those of you who are cave people think about this. The people that you meet in the space you control are those you are ready and capable of handling, dealing with, working with…

If you are operating correctly and you begin to live environmentally correctly, your sense whatever it happens to be is something that is going to become very fine tuned, in terms of how that environment needs to be differentiated so that it is just, just perfect for you…

The other side is quite different. For example if you have caves and you have inner vision, these are dark caves. Batman, these are dark caves. And when I say dark it doesn’t mean they can’t have light but inner vision is about closing the eyes. It is really about understanding that for this person, for this cave person dimly lit caves are really their best place…

~Ra Uru Hu

[ao3porcelainstorm]

poison ivy & stinging nettles 17

On Ao3

Pairing: Sherlock/OFC

Rated: M

Warnings: eventual violence, torture, swears, adult themes (no explicit smut)

Chapter 16 - Chapter 18

Chapter 17- Rue

~~~

'Tis the damn season.

~~~

December 26th- 1 am

As it turned out, Hades was a woman. Or so she proclaimed herself over the DJs speak system to a screaming crowd. The music was turned back up, drunken party-goers mashed into one another on the massive dance floor.

StyX certainly lived up to its reputation of leading people to darkness.

Sherlock had bribed a bartender in a back alley on a smoke break to let them in. Fortunately, he was able to find John suitable clothes for the scene, his own jacket and shirt blending in with the well-dressed clientele.

“So Jessica owns this place?” John asked his friend, trying his best to avoid staring at the nearly naked dancer on a nearby platform. “Not what I expected for her.”

“Last time I saw her she was throwing herself all over Amelia,” Sherlock mused. “Granted, she was diligent in her work. Here’s hoping she got the binge drinking under control.”

He scanned the room, looking to the edges for where an administrative suite might be located.

“Don’t you two stick out like a couple of sore thumbs,” a female voice laughed behind the men.

“Miss Reynolds,” Sherlock turned with a smirk on his face.

“Long time no see, Mr. Holmes,” she gestured over her shoulder for the men to follow her to a secluded hallway. “Moriarty mentioned you would be stopping by.”

The music was non-existent by the time they stepped into Jessica’s office.

It was a neatly organized, modern space, with no trace of the lewd debauchery outside.

“Unfortunately, I didn’t realize he was going to be kidnapping your girlfriend,” she continued with a low sigh. “Have a seat.”

Two black seats were in front of her large glass desk. She turned and started to rummage through a filing cabinet before taking a seat in her chair.

“He left this,” she slid an envelope across the desk.

“What did you tell him?” Sherlock demanded, eyeing the envelope. “Why would he help you set all of this up from your father’s accounts?”

“He’s laundering money through the bar,” she explained so casually, it almost didn’t seem like she was referencing a very serious crime. “I have one of my security guards pass his guy a large duffel bag every other week, and he makes sure my shithead of a father stays out of the picture.”

“He’s dead then,” John stated and she shrugged.

“As I’m sure you’ve done a full inventory of my life, he isn’t the best person,” she replied truthfully.

“Why are you telling us this?” Sherlock examined the envelope in the light, checking for any stray hairs or fingerprints.

“Because, despite how it looks on paper, I’m not a bad person,” she answered earnestly, leaning back a little in her chair. “Neurotic? Definitely. A little unstable? My therapist thinks so. But I do have good intentions.”

“If you had good intentions, you wouldn’t have gotten in bed with Moriarty,” Sherlock scoffed, peeling back the edge of the envelope. “He’s a maniac.”

“He has good business acumen,” Jessica frowned. “I’m not thrilled about it, but I needed my father's money to finally get my own. If he’d been indicted, it would have been locked up in legal fees and government agencies for years.”

“A nightclub is getting your own?” John snorted.

“I hire homeless folks,” she explained, narrowing her gaze at him. “People coming back into work, retirees who need a little spare income, addicts looking for a second chance. I’m on track to donate a quarter of my profits to local domestic abuse programs. I’m not a monster.”

“God, you sound just like-,” Sherlock stopped when he pulled out the card inside.

Written in neat script was a small snippet of dialogue from Hamlet.

There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance. Pray you, love,

remember. And there is pansies, that’s for thoughts.

There’s fennel for you, and columbines. There’s rue for you,

and here’s some for me. We may call it herb of grace o’ Sundays.

O, you must wear your rue with a difference! There’s a daisy. I

would give you violets, but they wither’d all when my father

died. They say he made a good end.

“Ophelia,” Sherlock’s words were barely above a whisper, passing the paper to John.

“Wear your rue with a difference?” John looked at his friend. “Why is that underlined?”

“It’s the implication that I have different rue than the speaker,” Sherlock muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Rue for you and rue for me.”

“You can’t tell us anything about Moriarty’s whereabouts?” John demanded, waving the card toward Jessica.

“I can’t,” she replied softly. “He just told me that you’d be by after giving me the envelope. It was one of his security guys that mentioned Brenner.”

“We’ll be in touch,” Sherlock stood up abruptly, racing toward the door of the office, his mind moving at top speed.

Ophelia. What did he know about the character?

It inspired Amelia’s middle name, no coincidence there.  

Flowers. Intentional.

Ophelia went mad after Hamlet killed her father. She goes to the river and drowns.

But it isn’t intentional, or so it’s implied it isn’t.

She’s pulled into the river after falling in.  

But she doesn’t struggle and drowns in her misery.

There’s of course the medieval belief that Rue was a means of abortion.

No, Sherlock frowned. That was too barbaric for someone like Moriarty.

He’d pick his tortures carefully. Toying with his victims. He wanted to prove his genius. Show it off.

“Sherlock!” John caught up with the detective near the end of the block, grabbing his sleeve and shoving a phone in his friend's hand. “A body’s washed up. Molly’s meeting us in the morgue.”

~~~

Allison Nell, a 30-year-old real estate broker, avid swimmer. Newly engaged, but lost her fiancé during his deployment two weeks previously.

Suicide is the presumptive cause of death. Overdose of pills then wandered into the Thames.

“Why would you think otherwise?” Sherlock asked as Molly unzipped the body bag.

“Because of this,” she used a gloved hand to open a large incision in Allison’s stomach.

Pills.

Undigested pills.

Meaning they weren’t metabolized at the time of death.

“Toxicology shows a slight increase in the substance, but not a lethal dose. Or even a strong enough dose to render a woman of her size unconscious. It wasn’t the pills that killed her,” Molly explained, a small look of pity at the woman’s swollen, blue face.

“She drowned,” John lifted the police report and skimmed it over. “If she hadn’t passed out, why didn’t she swam to shore?”

Ophelia. A voice in the back of Sherlock’s mind whispered.

“Was she wearing winter garments?” he directed the question to Molly.

“A large wool coat, and heavy winter boots,” she confirmed with a nod.

“She was pulled down,” he decided. Against his better judgment, his gaze fell on the woman’s face. “With the shock of the cold water, she would have tired out, especially so with the extra weight pulling her down.”

All he could see was Amelia.

“She could have been trying to come back,” John realized, his expression set miserably. “Second guessed herself...”

“She likely fell into the river after trying to get help,” Sherlock pointed to the woman’s address. “Ran out of the house, and stumbled along an embankment, and slipped in.”

The trio stood in silence, considering the sad fate of the woman in front of them.

His phone chirped with a text message from an unknown number.

As one incapable of her own distress,

Or like a creature native and indued

Unto that element; but long it could not be

Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,

Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay

To muddy death

~~~

“He wanted you to figure out how that woman died,” John was summarizing when they returned to Baker Street near dawn. “To tie it with the clue from Jessica... why am I getting deja vu? Is he going to lead us on another round of crimes to solve?”

Sherlock tossed his coat on the hanger by the door, stewing over the text while the men made their way up the stairs to the flat.

“I just don’t know what he’s trying to prove,” John huffed from behind. “You’ve done this before. What’s the difference?”

Sherlock stopped short at the landing, gaping into the main living room of 221B Baker Street.

Photographs of Amelia were taped all over the room, plastering the walls and bookcases with candid images that seemed to range in date from her first few weeks in London to the day she was taken.

“That’s the difference, John,” Sherlock breathed, trying his best to steady his heart rate. “He wants to prove that sentiment is a detriment.”

“He’s trying to use her to distract you,” John translated. “He’s waiting for you to slip up, but what does that mean for Mia?”

Before Sherlock could reply, both their phones indicated new messages.

A video message, followed by a second text: “Happy Christmas.”

Amelia, looking fiercely defiant was slamming her hands against a metal wall, screaming a song out of tune. She was still wearing the jeans and oversized red sweater from Christmas Eve. Her blue coat was discarded on the floor.

There was no furniture or windows, so far as Sherlock could tell from the video.

“Country roads, take me home to the place I belong,” she screeched. “West Virginia, mountain mama take me home, country roads!”

There was a significant amount of background noise and the flicker of an unseen screen outside the view of the camera. She continued her rebellious shriek, clearly trying to be louder than whatever else she was exposed to.

The clip cut off from there.

“Alive,” John whispered first, his shoulders deflating just a little. "She's alive."

It certainly was a bit of good news in an otherwise depressing evening.

~~~

January 3rd

Nothing.

Sherlock rewatched the video religiously.

He’d left the photographs on the wall, walking through the room over and over, hoping for any indication of a clue.

Nothing.

John made sure he ate. Mycroft had called once, only to confirm that they had no leads either.

Even Jessica Reynolds texted him to inform him that Moriarty’s men hadn’t made their scheduled pick-up.

Lydia Brenner was almost hysteric when she called from a secured government line. She begged him to find her daughter, knowing full well what Amelia’s fate was otherwise.

~~~

January 6th

13 days.

He received another video message.

It had no sound and was short, a five-second clip of Amelia slumped over in a metal chair.

Same room.

New clothes.

He threw his phone across the room with a shout, nearly decapitating John in the process.

~~~

January 11th

A single red rose was sitting on the fireplace mantle after Sherlock and John returned from a crime scene.

When the detective stepped forward, he must have hit a tripwire because the television flipped on a scene from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty.

“I know you I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem. But if I know you, I know what you’ll do-,” and the scene repeated.

Over and over as Sherlock studied the simple flower.

“Briar rose!” John guessed, looking to his friend with a satisfied nod. “That’s the princess in the movie and the story. She gets locked up by the evil witch and rose thorns overgrow the grounds to stop people from saving her. She had to have true love’s kiss to wake up.”

"Why do you know this?” Sherlock quirked a brow, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

“I have a sister,” John shot back, growing defensive. “She was quite fond of the movie growing up.”

~~~

January 12th

Briar Rose Gardens is where they found the next clue, as well as a dead body, frozen on the ground from the cold winter air.

And here I prophesy: this brawl to-day,

Grown to this faction in the Temple-garden,

Shall send between the red rose and the white

A thousand souls to death and deadly night.

King Henry the Sixth. More Shakespeare.

More flowers.

At this point, Sherlock knew he was playing by Moriarty’s hand, whatever that may be.

At least, however, he was familiar enough with the Temple Gardens, practically dragging John along to their next destination.

“Rose plant… rose plant…” Sherlock was frantically searching the dormant gardens for the horned plants.

“Sherlock,” John held up a small envelope, a large rose plant next to him.

It was an invitation; a date and an address.

Chapter 18

[moderndiagnostic]

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[afterspark-podcast]

Let’s Play Transformers War for Cybertron, Chapter 3 Transcript

Episode

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Into Music]

[The main menu for Transformers War for Cybertron displays.]

O: Hi, guys!  Sooo, uh, we found out a thing last week.  Um, they shut the servers for this game down, and you need the servers in order to play multiplayer.  Soo... here’s what we’re gonna do.  Ah, I’m gonna play, uh, and, uh, Specs and Chezni are going to provide commentary, probably while I’m making a fool of myself.  And that’s how we’re gonna finish this damn- game dammit, because we are going to finish this.  I started it, I wanna finish it.

C: A moment of silence for the Activision servers.

S: [sighs] Yup.

C: [laughs]

O: [laughs] Fuck you Activision.

S: [laughs]

O: I get it, just why can I not host a game or something!?  I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.  I’m just annoyed, because I was actually having fun playing multiplayer and I’m like, oh COME ON!

S: It was fun, I’d been looking forward to it.

O: Well, hopefully, you’ll still be somewhat amused by watching me play.  Unfortunately, and I’m- I’m really sad, cause I was so happy, I was like, yay, Chezni’s going to play as Soundwave, because I refuse to play as Soundwave, cause he basically, has a healing gun, which is all but useless when you have like, computer allies.  So I’m like, oh yay, Soundwave will get some love!  Mm-mm.  Mm-mm.

S: [laughs]

O: And I refuse to play as anybody that isn’t Megatron in the Decepticon campaign, if he’s available, because unlike most of the other guns, you cannot pick up the Fusion Cannon as a drop, I am using the damn Fusion Cannon.

S: Ah.

C: You can’t steal Megatron’s arm?

O: [laughs] No, but in the sequel game you can!

[Owls selects Campaign > Solo Campaign > Chapter Select.]

C: I’m pretty sure that’s wrong…

O: [laughs] Well, I mean why not, the man stole a Prime arm- er, a Prime’s arm in Transformers: Prime, did he not?

[Chapter III, Iacon Destroyed is selected.]

O: Alright, uh, wait- what chapter was it?  Yeah, Iacon Destroyed.

[Owls clicks on the first checkpoint before immediately backing out and then clicking on it again.  The character selection menu is displayed and she scrolls through the three available characters for the level, Megatron, Soundwave, and Breakdown.]

O: We are in Iacon Destroyed, uh, our three characters available are: Breakdown, Soundwave, and Megatron.  And Soundwave, rather sadly, doesn’t like, have any way to use his cassettes when you’re playing as him.  Which makes me sad.

S: Aww.  That’s disapp-

O: Cuz he definitely- he definitely uses them to fight you later.

S: That’s disappointing.  I would have liked to play with um, Breakdown.

O: Yeah.

C: Yess.  Specs you- you’re with me in that you’re- you’re a big Breakdown fan, right?  Oh, no, wait!  This is Breakdown, not Knockout, sorry!

O: [laughs]

S: Well, I- I like both of them.

C: Is Knockout in this game?

O: No, not at all!

S: No.

O: Knockout was created wholesale for Prime.  Like he’s not- he didn’t appear in anything before that.

S: Yeah.

O: Whereas Breakdown, even if Prime wasn’t out yet (which I don’t think it was) was a character that existed in G1.

S: Yes, he came out late in Season 2, and he was part of the Stunticons.  And his personality quirk is that he’s very neurotic.

C: Heh.

S: Like, he thinks street lights are staring at him.

C & O: [laugh]

O: Wow, that was quite different in Prime, wasn’t it? [laughs]

C: Wow.

S: Well, that’s just in G1, he’s not paranoid about things in uh, Prime.  Cuz he’s an entirely different character with a completely different origin- origin, probably.  Though, a lot of people like to write him as originally being a member of the Stunticons.

O: Is it bad my brain sunk- just jumped straight to, “Well, it’s amazing how much less neurotic he is after getting boned for a couple million years, huh?”

A: [laugh]

S: Oh god, the fact that apparently Breakdown-

O: I’m just saying, somebody look at Knockout and tell me that boy don’t fuck.  I’m just saying! [laughs]

S: Well, the fact that Knockout’s entire design philosophy was apparently, make him sexy.

O & S: [laugh]

C: [imitating TFP Starscream] “Oh, you’re one of those.”

O & S: [laugh]

O: Starscream, you have no room to talk! [laughs]

C & S: [laugh]

O: NOOO room! [laughs]

S: Now I kinda wanna go get out the Prime artbook, but this is not the time!  So let’s get to the- let’s get to the game.

C: Right, right.

O: Let’s get to me blowing things up!

[Owls selects Megatron and the game goes to a loading screen, before opening up with a text crawl narrated, yet again, by Steve Blum.

Narrator: Hungry for more power.]

O: [quietly] Oh, thank fuck.  It was so loud guys, it was so loud, and now it’s not! [Referring to the sound issues in the last couple of chapters. ~O]

[Narrator: Megatron plans to corrupt the very core of Cybertron itself with Dark Energon.  But to do so, he must first find the Omega Key.  Which will unlock the gateway to the core.]

O: Nothing bad can happen with this plan!

S: [sighs] Oh, Megatron.  He wants-

[Narrator: Megatron launches a full scale assault on Iacon, capital city of the Autobots where the key is protected by Zeta Prime--leader of the Autobots.]

O: This is a terrible idea!  Why does he think this is a good idea!?

S: He really wants the Space Crack.

O: I- I guess, but- but did he need to give it to the planet!? [laughs]

S: He wants to infect the planet with Space Crack to get more Space Crack.

O: Ah, so he needs a Space Crack generating machine.

[An in-game cinematic starts with a drop ship hovering close to the ground in what appears to be the middle of a city.  Megatron, Soundwave, and Breakdown jump off the ship onto the ground below, while Starscream drops out of the ship, and floats a little above the group in robot mode.

Megatron: Starscream - continue forward and meet Zeta Prime’s armies on the front line!

Starscream: Have no fear, Lord Megatron!  Under my leadership, Decepticon victory is assured!]

O: Oh, shut up.

[Megatron: Do not fail me!

Starscream transforms and flies off into the sky.

Breakdown: Why aren’t we joining the main battle, Megatron?

Megatron: While Starscream attacks Zeta Prime’s armies head on, we shall move behind enemy lines and obtain the Omega Key.

As Megatron talks, the camera view cuts back and forth between the three party members as well as the battle they’ve been dropped into.  Around them Autobot and Decepticon forces are fighting each other.]

O: Because-

[Breakdown: The Omega what?]

O: -he basically, will be invisible.

[Soundwave: The Omega Key grants access to the Core of Cybertron.]

C: Omega say what?

O: Soundwave <3

[Megatron: Once I have access to the core, I will infuse it with Dark Energon and subject the entire planet’s energy supply to MY WILL!

New Objective, Enter the Stellar Galleries, displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

The camera swaps to the gameplay view.  The party has been dropped off on a raised platform that has two sets of stairs leading down to ground level off to the right and left.

In front of them is a large reddish-brown building, surrounded by more reddish-brown structures on either side.  Directly in front of the building there appears to be some kind of courtyard, that contains blueish energon flowing like water in two fountains, two artificial waterfalls on either side of the courtyard, as well as additional water features visible at the building’s entrance.

The front of the building resembles a face with two eyes and a mouth.]

C: Does that building have a face?

[Autobot: Decepticon intruders!  They’re inside the city!

Megatron stops and looks up at the weird face on the building.]

O: You know, it might?

[Breakdown: Autobots attacking!  Hey, wasn’t Starscream supposed to keep these guys occupied?

The group is in the middle of a firefight, and Megatron is hit by a shot before running over to the edge of the raised platform the party is on and looking around.  He shoots an Autobot at a sentry gun.]

O: Oh fuck, who’s shooting at me bug- you bastards!

[Megatron: Even the Autobots aren’t foolish enough to leave the Stellar Galleries undefended.  Destroy them!]

O: That one exploded...

C: So Specs, now we get to act like uh, we're the masters of everything and we would never make any of the mistakes- [laughs]

O: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, you guys have fun over there.  I'll just uh, you know- I'll put my metaphorical life on the line.

[Megatron continues to shoot at Autobots with his Fusion Cannon and attempts to avoid taking enemy fire.]

C: [laughs]

O: Or, you know, insert comment about, “I still have a Fusion Cannon here, thank you!”

S: Yeah, oh-

O: Fucking rocket fucker. [laughs]

[Megatron takes aim at an Autobot hiding behind a large energy shield.  Periodically, the shield drops and the Autobot shots missiles, leaving them vulnerable for a few seconds.]

S: Oh.  I like... I can't decide if the lighting is like, very warm or if that's supposed to be the metal color.  One of those things- pieces of wall looks like a face, and it’s kind of-

O: [laughs] That’s what Chezni said too.

S: -fucking with me.

O: [laughs] The building is staring at you Specs!  The building is staring at you, it’s a friendly building!

[Megatron jumps down off the platform and takes aim at some Autobots he couldn’t see in his previous vantage point.]

S: Nooo…

O: I feel like I’m in a- like, watch- now I feel like I’m watching a children’s show where like, everything has faces. [laughs]

S: Yeah.

C: Your friends on the right exploded for like, no reason.

O: Will you stay still, you!?

[Several Autobots run up to the area where Megatron and some Decepticon grunts are.  Megatron attempts to shoot them but misses multiple times before finally hitting them.]

S: Oh.

O: Megatron!  We need more bullets, or you need to have better aim!

[Megatron is still firing on Autobots, but is running low on ammunition.]

S: Hm, so-

[Autobots continue to target Megatron.]

O: Oh my god, go away!  Oh sorry, Specs.

S: This area actually looks like it would be really pretty... if it wasn't in the middle of a firefight.

O: Yeah!

C: I agree.

O: Yeah, it does.  And, you know, we're actually outside in what passes as daylight on Cybertron?  Which, uh, which we- we haven't gotten to see like this entire time, you know?

[Megatron turns around in a circle, looking up at the sky which is reddish orange in color.]

S: Yeah.

C: So, wait, is it normal for Cybertron to have water?

O: Uh... yeah-

S: That’s not water.

O: It’s Energon.

C: Oh.

[The immediate Autobots defeated, the party moves forward towards the interior of the building, walking past all of the ‘water’ features.]

C: The Energon must flow.

O: Although, som- sometimes it has water?  Sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes it has the Sea of Rust?

S: Sometimes it's got other things.  I mean, it could be uh, like, some sort of metal with a very low melting point.

O: Yeah.

C: Gotcha.

O: Pick one?

[Megatron is able to fully replenish his Fusion Cannon ammo.  Off to his left a weapon chest is visible, he walks over to it.]

O: Oh good, a gun.  Sniper rifle?

[Megatron smashes the chest and receives a Scatter Blaster (Full-Auto).]

O: No?  No?  Oh, damn.

[Megatron walks over to the left, smashing another ammo chest and then walking around to an area with multiple artificial waterfalls.]

S: Just the fact that your method of opening certain things just involves beating the shit out of it with-

O: Why- why do you think I’m like, “Megatron smash!”  [laughs] Cuz it- it's very, very accurate, thank you.

S: Yeah.

[Seeing nothing else of value, Megatron turns around and transforms into vehicle mode, heading further into the interior of the building.]

O: Look, if I’m playing as a hulking warlord, I’m gonna have fun with it, okay?

[Soundwave: Megatron -- sensors indicate Autobot energy signatures nearby.

Breakdown: Where?  I don’t see anything...

After heading up some stairs, Megatron exits into another smaller open air courtyard.  In the middle stands a giant statue of some unknown Cybertronian.  Soundwave and Breakdown follow behind Megatron, while three Decepticon grunts are waiting in front of the statue.]

O: I keep trying to shoot the Decepticons, because I’m like, “PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AT ME!”

[Megatron: The Autobots are here, no doubt skulking in the shadows.]

O: Do you have any room to talk?

C: Ah, yes, the Autobots, known for their skulking.

O: Yes!

[The Decepticon grunts are all killed when some energy blasts come out of nowhere.

Decepticon Grunt: NOOO!

Megatron backs up and begins looking around the room.]

O: Oh god, even our guys sound stupid when they die.

S: Known for their deception.

C: [laughs]

[Breakdown: They’re all around us!]

S: Nevermind our uh, faction name.

[Megatron: Return fire!  Destroy anything that moves!]

C: Right.

O: You are being deceived-

[Megatron is destroyed by energy blasts from the invisible enemies, and Owls is kicked out to the Mission Failed screen.]

O: -goddammit. [laughs]

C: [laughs]

S: Bye, Megatron.

O: I am deceiving myself, apparently!

[Owls selects, “Restart From Last Checkpoint,” and the game reloads at the doorway to the second courtyard.

New Objective, Enter the Stellar Galleries, displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

C: Just shaking off the rust!

O: Uh-huh.  I- why- I wish it would have saved me picking shit up though.

[Megatron turns around and smashes the weapon chest behind him to pick up a Scatter Blaster.

Megatron: This shall be the downfall of countless Autobots!

He then runs over to an ammo chest and smashes it to refill his ammo.

Megatron: Argh!]

C: Alright, so they're here for the Omega Key, and they want the Omega Key because…?

[Megatron enters the doorway, walking out into the same courtyard as before.

Soundwave: Megatron -- sensors indicate Autobot energy signatures nearby.

Breakdown: Where?  I don’t see anything...]

O: They need the key to get to the center of the planet, so he can put is Space Crack into the planet.

[Megatron: The Autobots are here, no doubt skulking in the shadows.

The 3 Decepticon grunts are killed, a firefight ensues.]

S: I kind of want to say that the Omega Key is supposed to open the Omega Lock and it-

O: Well, it’s held by Omega Supreme, so you’re not wrong.

S: [sighs]

C: Omega Supreme.

S: They really like their Omega naming.

[The party moves forward and begins attacking the invisible enemies.

Breakdown: They’re all around us!

Megatron: Return fire!  Destroy anything that moves!]

O: You know, the one that sounds like a burrito!

C: Yeah.

S: [laughs]

C: Sounds like the kind of thing you’d go to a fast food restaurant and order.

S: Except that um, having um, having that order means that you automatically want to murder all the Constructicons.

O: [laughs] Your rage at the Constructicons will be complete!

C: Yeah, so I’d like an- a number 6?  An Omega Supreme with a side ord- with a side of killing all the Destructicons.

O: Constructicons, but yes.

C: Constructicons, sorry.

O: What- sorry, with a side of uh, the rage at being betrayed by my Constructicon bros.

S: Yup.

C: So wait, are those the green and purple ones?

O: Yup.

S: Yes.

O: They make Devastator!

S: They are construction equipment.

[Megatron chases around a particularly troublesome enemy that keeps dodging his shoots.]

C: Why does Omega Supreme hate them?

O: Watch our podcast and find out! [laughs]

S: Yeah...

C: I edit your podcast!

O: We haven’t gotten to that episode yet, that’s why I’m making that joke. [laughs]

C: Gotcha.

[The last enemy is taken out, Megatron grabs some additional ammo, and heads down some stairs to where Breakdown and Soundwave are waiting.]

O: But yes, please Specs, feel free to enlighten him, I just had to rib him first. [laughs]

S: It involves um... crimes against architecture.

O: [laughs]

C: Great. [unintelligible]

O: [continues laughing] “Crimes against architecture,” huh?

S: Well, that's roughly what happens.  Very roughly.

[The party exits into a circular area that is open to the sky.  In the distance an Autobot drop ship crashes.  Megatron throws a grenade into the center of the area.

Note: Owls did not mean to throw the grenade.

Breakdown: What are you trying to do!?]

C: Megatron keeps his troops on his toes.  “Didn't expect me throw a grenade at your feet, did ya!?”

[Starscream (COM): Megatron -- the Dark Energon is proving every bit as formidable as you predicted!  The Autobot armies crumble before it!]

O: [deep voice] On your toes, Breakdown!  On your toes!

C: [laughs]

[The party heads through a doorway on their right, and onto a walkway.  Megatron grabs a Scatter Blaster from a nearby weapon chest.

Megatron: Excellent, Starscream.  Continue engaging them so that I can acquire the Omega Key.

Breakdown: There’s something off about that Starscream guy, Megatron.  I don’t trust him.]

C: So wait, that was um, those enemies you were fighting earlier were invisible weren’t they?

O: Yup.

S: Yeah, they turned up in one of the previous areas.

[Megatron: Oh, I trust Starscream about as far as I can blast him… but he shows a rare cunning that I find intriguing.

The party continues up a ramp, once they reach level ground again, Megatron walks over to a gun that is lying on the ground.  It is revealed to be a Null Ray (10x Scope) and he picks it up before continuing forward.]

O: THANK YOU!

[Soundwave: Be aware -- snipers at the entrance.

Megatron: Move forward and flank them!  Let nothing stand in my way!

Megatron takes cover around the corner and shoots at the snipers with the Null Ray he just acquired.]

S: Though, I'm not sure what they are or what they do based off of in previous uh..

O: I don’t know.

C: They’re all Smokescreens.

O: [laughs] Mirage.

S: They’re more likely be to be Mirage.

O: Are they’re all Mirages?

[The party moves out into another large open area, with a big fountain in the middle and Megatron takes cover behind the fountain, still shooting Autobots.]

C: Mirage, sorry.  I don’t know why, I get Mirage and Smokescreen mixed up.

O: Well, I mean, they do similar things but in completely different ways?

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, Mirage keeps people from seeing him by turning invisible.  Smokescreen keeps people from seeing things by generating smoke.

S: Yeah.

C: So ones really fancy, and the other one just pollutes the environment, got it.

S: [laughs] More or less.

O: Yeah!  Yeah, you know what?  I feel like- I-I, you know, I have the feeling Mirage would agree with that statement.  Like, a lot.  You would probably have made his day by describing it that way. [laughs]

[The last Autobots in the area are defeated.  Megatron walks around the fountain passing another gun, before finding an ammo chest and smashing it.]

O: Smash~

[Megatron passes under a large arch directly in front of the fountain, passing by another ammo chest and smashing it.]

O: Why did I do that?  That doesn’t get me anything.  I like to smash things, that’s what’s going on here.

C: It’s addicting.

[The party continues forward, passing by two large water features and heading up some stairs.]

O: [quietly] Smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash.

[Breakdown?: Let’s go, Decepticons!

The party turns a corner and comes across a bridge flanked by a multitude of statues.  Autobot snipers are on some platform above the bridge, shooting down at the party.]

S: Breakdown looks so tiny compared to um, to Megatron.

C: Yeah.

[Megatron takes out three Autobots with the sniper rifle in rapid succession.]

C: Those guys didn’t stand a chance.

S: You're very good at the sniper stuff.

O: Eh, it’s easier? [laughs] Cuz I’m not in a firefight.  I don’t actually do that well when I uh-

[Autobot reinforcements come out of an entry way behind the platforms and jump down onto the bridge, firing on Megatron and the others.]

O: I wish this sho- thing in the sequel where you could swap arms- um, I don’t very well in the middle of a fight, unfortunately.

[Megatron runs in front of the bridge so he can take cover on the other side and better aim at the enemy, and then takes out the remaining two Autobots.

Megatron: Decepticons cannot be stopped!]

C: Yup, Owls is our sniper.

O: So I just do this.  And then, they threw the sniper into the game by herself. [laughs]

C: I'm the one who gets lost, and Specs is the one who runs up and cuts people.

A: [laugh]

O: I’m gonna cut ya.

S: Well, you're not the only one who gets lost Chezni, I do too.

[Megatron grabs some ammo and then walks over to Breakdown and Soundwave, who are standing in front of a locked door.

Soundwave: Megatron, the gate to the Stellar Galleries is locked.

Megatron: I anticipated this.  A powerful infusion of Dark Energon will bend the doors to my will!

Megatron uses Dark Energon and destroys the door, allowing them to walk in at their convenience.]

C: That is true.  We both get lost.

S: Yeah, the problem I find is just that a lot of, um.  Well, a lot of games have to reuse uh, environment assets enough that I have difficulty ident- identifying other areas.  Cuz ia lot of it just looks the same to me.

[Upon entering the tunnel, Megatron smashes two nearby Autobots who had been injured by the Dark Energon blast.]

C: Yeah.

O: It all looks the fucking same!

S: Pretty much.

[Megatron briefly enters a room before turning around and exploring the adjacent hallways. He picks up some health from a health chest and returns to the room.  There is a large rotating pillar in the center that has multiple sets of lasers at varying heights, and seven spaced out platforms surrounding the center pillar.  Three of the platforms have some sort of batteries on them that the quest markers are indicating, 4 are smaller, circular and at a lower level than the ledge the party entered on.  Blue energon is visible on the floor.

Autobot Security System: Initiating defense grid.

Soundwave: Megatron -- those batteries feed the security grid.

Megatron: Quickly!  Infuse the batteries with Dark Energon!

New Objective, “Disable the security system,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

O: [singing to the tune of the Star Wars theme]  Space crack!  It’s some space crack!  He wants to use some space crack for THINGS!

[Megatron dodges a laserbeam and jumps to the platform on his left, landing on the one right below it that a battery is on.]

C: Megatron- just used his force powers to open that door.

O: Yes.

C: But… why does he not just use his force powers to do everything now?

O: I- he kinda does use for it for a bunch of things?

[By the time Megatron gets to the battery it has already been infected with Dark Energon.  Sentry guns pop out of the wall and fire on him and Breakdown.

Breakdown: We gotta turn of these lasers before we all get fried!]

C: Or was he just like, super charged when he first got it and now he’s coming off-

O: I mean, I think he was super charged uh, when he first got it, uh, for sure, but-

S: Yeah, and now he’s-

C: And now he’s just chasing after that.

[Megatron takes aim at the sentry guns around the room, trying to dodge the guns and laser with limited success.]

O: Yeah, he’s chasing after that high- what is shooting at me?

S: That sweet, sweet high.

C: I think you’re shooting yourself.

S: Also-

O: Maybe I am, but I didn’t think I could do that the Fusion Cannon.

C: Oh.

[Breakdown: We gotta turn of these lasers before we all get fried!

Megatron jumps up on a higher platform, and attempts to jump to a higher platform with a battery on it, but aborts and lands back on the platform he jumped from when it doesn’t look like he can make it.]

O: Ugh.

S: I don't know how you're supposed to turn off the lasers.

C: Violence.

O: I know there must be a way, I just don’t remember how.

C: See, Specs, after watching all of um, you know, the- the footage that I’ve edited for the- vid- epi- videos that we were able to play together in.  You are amazing good at finding-

[Soundwave: Scans indicate that the batteries power the security grid.

Megatron jumps back up on the platform he entered on and attempts to go around the pillar and jump on another platform but instead just walks off the edge, landing in the energon and dying instantly.]

O: That’s-!  I- do- it’s- die! [annoyed gibberish noises]

[The Mission Failed screen displays, Owls selects ‘Restart From Last Checkpoint’, and the game loads at the doorway to the pillar room.

New Objective, Enter the Stellar Galleries, displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

C: [laughs] You are amazingly good at finding the button you need to push.

[Autobot Security System: Initiating defense grid.

New Objective, “Disable the security system,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

Soundwave: Megatron -- those batteries feed the security grid.

Megatron: Quickly!  Infuse the batteries with Dark Energon!]

O: Yeah, I'm actually suffering from that right now.

[Megatron jumps over to the battery platform on his left and plants a detpak on it.]

C: I think you- I think Specs nailed like 75% of anything we needed to interact with.

S: I don't know, it's a talent, I guess?

C: [laughs]

[Megatron jumps over to the battery platform across from the entrance and plants a detpak on it as well.  He then turns around and bashes a health chest to get health before jumping to the last battery platform, but before he lands, Breakdown runs over and plants a Detpak on the battery and it explodes.]

S: Maybe you're supposed to shoot something?  Maybe?

C: I think she just needed to go over and hit the computer.

[The lasers deactivate, and the middle pillar is now covered in Dark Energon and little bits of purple electricity are coming off it and the three battery packs.

Autobot Security System: Security measures deactivated.

Megatron: Soundwave.  Damage report.

Soundwave: Scans show minimal damage.]

C: Looks like it’s off now.

O: Yup.

S: Oh, that’s good.

C: So, that’s good.

[New Objective, “Find the Omega Key,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

The blue energon on the floor has also disappeared- Megatron jumps down to the floor and the party leaves through a newly opened door.]

O: Yeah, I had to- I had to, you know, put my Space Crack all up in it.  That’s what I had to do.  Mmm-hm.  Mmm-hm.  Seems legit.

[The party walks down a hallway that opens up into a long room.  Across the room a weapon chest is visible.]

O: And now I literally do not care about any other gun, because I have the two I want.

[Sentry guns on the walls to the left begin firing at the party, who fire back.

Megatron: Now...time for more strategic slaughter!]

C: How do you think Starscream would feel about him using his gun?

O: How do you think he got it?

S: He might find it hot?

O: [laughs] There we go, yeah.

C: [laughs]

[Two Autobots also begin firing on the party, who make quick work of them.]

S: It’s like, obviously this is the hottest thing.

O: I mean the only thing hotter is him using Megatron, right?

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

[The Autobots destroyed, Megatron walks around the room, destroying weapon chests and picking up ammo.

Soundwave: Megatron, our data indicates that the Omega Key is located just beyond that door.

Megatron: Excellent!  This venture has proven far less taxing than I had anticipated.]

C: Now that would be a fun part of a game, if in multiplayer Megatron could turn into a gun and other people could use him.

[Breakdown: Are you serious?  I’m feelin’ pretty taxed, myself.]

O: That would be weird but…

S: That could be... kind of weird-

C: [laughs]

S: Actually, I’m wondering what that sort of…

C: Well, I don’t know it’s just-

S: Like, would other people have the ability to actually shoot you or would you still have control of the shooting?

C: No, I think- I think they would just move and you would shoot.

S: That could be interesting.

O: [laugh] That would be interesting.

S: Like, it might give you a powerup or something?

C: Yeah.

O: I will see that and raise you, imagine trying to have to control a combiner between three people.

C: That would be fun!

S: Oh god, five people.

O: Yeah, no-no-no, I know- I know but- but like, if you could- had to limit it or something so there were only 3 players.

C: Yeah.

O: Um, I just think it sounds funny.

[Megatron walks over to a large doorway where Breakdown and Soundwave are standing and destroys the door with Dark Energon.  The party walks forward into a large room centered around a floating sphere (presumably a model of Cybertron), with smaller circular bodies orbiting it.  To the left and right there are staircases that wind their way up the wall.

Soundwave: The Autobots maintain these rooms for tranquil contemplation.]

S: Honestly, it's reminds me of that game like um, QWOP, I think?

C: Yeah.

[Breakdown: Tranquil contemplation?  What does that even mean?]

S: Basically where you have to control each of the limbs with uh, um…

C: Q, W, O, P.

[Megatron: It means the Autobots laze about and whine over their own inadequacies.  Ugh… what a waste of time and resources.  Decepticons!  Find the Omega Key!]

S: Yeah, or there's a similar game where you have to control a horse.

O: [snorts]

S: Or a unicorn and often it just flops.

C: Yeah, you’re lucky if you can do anything with it.

[Megatron jumps on a nearby platform and begins shooting some of the small spheres orbiting the model.]

O: Apparently Megaton is, in fact, petty enough to shoot these things.

C: Yeah, what- what- is that-

O: He's like, “They're all wimps!  They have a meditation room, how dare they have that!”

C: Ah!

[Megatron begins running up the staircase on his left.]

S: Oh, I was under the impression that they were like, ads.

C: He-

O: [laughs]

[Megatron jumps off the stairs and roams around the first floor of the room some more looking for any missed items.  Not finding anything else, he looks up and continues shooting spheres as he walks back over to the stairs.]

C: “Megatron hates ads!”

S: Or at least that’s what I was thinking.

O: [continues laughing]

C: “Oil change at Sparky’s?  I’ll show you oil change!”

O: [continues laughing] Goddammit.

C: “This is for interrupting my SpaceTube episode!”

O: “It was from SPACE!” [laughs] I do love that idea, I love the idea of it being uh, of- those being like, pop up ads, that’s way funnier.

[Megatron walks back up the stairs arriving on a platform with Breakdown and Soundwave.  To the right is a console.

Megatron: Behold, Decepticons!  The Omega Key!]

C: Yeah, Specs, that’s amazing.

S: I mean, honestly- [laughs] You're welcome, it's just, Cybertron seems like the sort of place where you would have pop-up ads everywhere.

O: Yeah!

C: [laughs]

O: Also, apparently the Omega Key was just here, in this room.

C: What?  In the room with all the space pop-ups?!

S: [laughs]

O: Yes.

C: They didn’t even know they’d come-

S: Well, but maybe they’re representations of the moons?  In which case, it looks like there's an awful lot of Cybertronian moons.

[Megatron walks over to the console and activates it.  The reddish-orange forcefield around a small floating orb in front of the console drops, and the sphere opens, revealing nothing inside but the indent of where a key should be.

Breakdown: Wow.  That is one empty container.]

O: [snorts] Thanks, Breakdown.

[A hologram of Zeta Prime appears above the empty key container.  The camera pans around behind him as he points at Megatron.

Zeta Prime: Megatron, I’m warning you right now.  You are toying with forces beyond your understanding or control.]

O: What is it with Primes and their chins?

[Megatron: Ah, Zeta Prime.  I see you’re still afraid to face me in person.]

C: I was thinking the same thing.

S: Maybe they based it off of, um, Animated?  Cuz that was one chin-tastic animation.

[Zeta Prime: Ha!  Predictable as ever, right down to the empty words.  The Omega Key is under MY protection now, Megatron.]

O: Yeah, Animated is just chin-tastic all the way through, let’s be honest.

S: Yeah.

O: But Sentinel had like, the chinny- the most chin-tastic chin out of all of the chins. [laughs]

S: The chinniest chin chin chin.

C & O: [laugh]

[Megatron: That is hardly a deterrent.  I will enjoy taking the Omega Key from your lifeless hands.]

O: Oh, you have it, so I just have to kill you to get it, cool. [laughs]

[A variety of Autobot enemies appear and a fight ensues.

New Objective, “Defeat Autobot ambushers,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

C: [laughs] “Right, wait- that's not what you're supposed to think!”

S: Oh no-

O: “You’re supposed to be like, Oh no, that sounds difficult!”

S: And Megatron's just like, “Oh, you're challenging me?”

O: “-BIIITCH!”

S: Congratulations!  You’re dead!

C: What a terrible case of me murdering you, you seem to have come down with.

O & S: [laugh]

[Megatron: [laughs] For glory!

Megatron is on the stairway, shooting the various Autobots with the Null Ray, and taking them down in rapid succession.]

O: Oh yes, please just- just stand there let me shoot you, that- that's my favorite thing, yes.

C: Man, Owls makes this look easy.

S: Yeah.

[To the left of the screen some Autobots begin to fire on Megatron who runs behind a pillar to continue shooting.]

O: Ah!

C: I remember these doggone flying guys in the first chapter and I had no idea what to do.

S: Yeah... Actually, now I'm wondering what like, Megatron's preferred scent would be or if Cybertronians even have like, fragrance preferences?

O: [deep voice] “Ah, yes, the scent of motor oil-”

C: A couple of them reference their ‘olfactory sensors’ so they must have some kind of scent.

O: Yeah, they- they clearly can smell but that’s like- yeah, what scents do they like?  I mean, like, humans seem to like flowers, or the smell of rain, what do Cybertronians like?

C: Crop rust!

S: I mean, honestly, would rust smell like the beach to them considering the Sea of Rust?

O: I- considering rust is usually seen as a bad thing, I’m gonna say it wouldn’t have the same connotations.

S: Mmm.

[Megatron shoots an Aerialbot, and the Aerialbot goes flying in a different direction than the momentum of the shot before exploding.]

O: Pfft, that was a weird direction to take that, but okay.

S: Yeah, I mean-

C: So, the Sea of Rust is actually like, a beach of rust?

[Megatron heads down the stairs to his left, before jumping off and landing on the bottom floor.  He is low on ammo, completely out of Fusion Cannon shots, and has 11 Null Ray shots left.]

S: Maybe not?  The problem is I'm not entirely sure if it's considered like a wasteland or…

O: A destination, as it were.

S: Yeah.

C: [chuckles] Like a destination in your mind?

O: Well, I mean like, a vacation destination kind of thing.

C: Oh, oh.

S: Yeah.

O: I-I yeah, I really don’t know-

[Soundwave: Autobots, incoming!

A door in front of Megatron explodes, revealing 2 of the large Autobots carrying machine guns from the first level.]

O: Oh fuck- NO.  NO.  YOU.

C: Wha-

O: YOU!

[Megatron takes cover behind a pillar and shoots at the Autobots.]

S: You need to reload.

C: Are those guys bad?

O: We died against them so many times in the first chapter!

C: Oh!  Right, right, right.

[Megatron transforms and drives up the stairs in tank mode.

Megatron: I shall lead the way!]

O: That's great, but we're gonna do it from higher ground, buddy.

[Megatron goes up the stairs before transforming back to robot mode.  He takes cover behind a pillar, shooting at the large Autobots down below, taking out one of them.]

S: I mean, maybe different metals have different scents?

O: Or minerals?

[Megatron runs out of ammo in his two guns.  Transforming he goes back down the stairs and takes aim at the last remaining Autobot in while in vehicle mode.  He shoots once, hitting an explosive barrel near the Autobot and killing him.]

S: Yeah, I don't know, maybe the Autobots would find more organic notes more interesting because they'd have- it would be exotic and they're more used to those.  Whereas Decepticons might be- might prefer um, more metallic scents.  I don’t know.

C: I would say Tungsten would be-

S: [laughs]

[Megatron: Soundwave, trace Zeta Prime’s broadcast signal.

Soundwave: Commencing scan… Complete.  Its origin is 12.7 cycles ahead.

Megatron runs over to the maintenance door Soundwave and Breakdown are standing by.]

O: Wow- wow, he wasn't even trying to hide himself if Soundwave could do it that quickly!

S: Yeah.

[Soundwave: Scans reveal poor structural integrity surrounding this maintenance access door.

Megatron: You heard him!  Blast the wall!

New Objective, “Proceed to the lower city,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

O: Smash it, you say? [laughs]

[Megatron smashes the door and runs through.]

S: Oh~

[Megatron walks over to an ammo chest and smashes it.]

O: Oh, thank fuck.

[Soundwave: Megatron -- the city subsystems provide a direct line to the broadcat’s origin.

The group enters a dark tunnel with a vaguely green tint.  Up ahead, on the right, there is another maintenance door.  This door is held in place by locks, which Megatron destroys before knocking the door down.]

C: Alright, alright, so, we're in greenlight mode now.

O: [quietly] There we go...

S: Yeah, and I don't much like it because… meh.

C: Megatron, meanwhile-

[The other side of the maintenance door reveals a large pillar with slowly blades spinning on multiple levels.  The room goes down quite a ways, with several sets of blades below the party and blue energon below that.]

O: Oh, look!  More things that want to kill us!

C: -demonstrates that he, uh, doesn’t properly know how to open doors.

[Megatron: Descend here.  And have a care -- one wrong step, and you’re scrap metal.

Megatron jumps off his current level, landing on the next set of blades below.]

O: Well, he was born in a mine, why would he use doors?

C: [laughs]

[Megatron jumps down another level, and waits as the blade slowly moves towards a maintenance door on the opposite wall.

Breakdown: Uh… not that I’m arguing or anything, but -- why don’t we just go back to the dropship and hitch a ride?

Megatron: This is the shortest distance to travel, Breakdown.]

O: [laughs]

S: Okay, who would design this like this?

C: [laughs]

S: Like, seriously, that’s a door!

[Megatron shoots the maintenance door and jumps through, landing in another dimly lit hallway.]

C & O: [laugh]

O: It- maybe it was a maintenance door or something?  I don’t know. [laughs]

S: Maybe…

[The party walks up a stairwell at the end of the hallway, which leads up to a closed door.]

C: Oh, the- the coffee room?

O: [laughs]

C: It’s down- it’s down the pillar of evil fan death.  Death fan.

O: [continues laughing] You can either take the stairs or you can brave the f- fans of death, but if you miss them you will die.  How much do you want your coffee?

[The door opens and party continues through and up another set of stairs before running into an Autobot using a console on the wall.  A fight ensues.

Autobot: Decepticon intruders!  They’re inside the city!]

S: It's too exciting, I’ll do without coffee.

C: [laughs]

[Megatron: Into the tunnel, Decepticons.  And try not to get crushed by the trains.

Megatron takes out the Autobot and the party walks out onto a platform inside of a much larger tunnel.]

S: Oh, trains?  Is this their mass transit system?

[Breakdown: You’re joking, right?

Megatron: Yes, Breakdown -- I am famous for my sparkling sense of humor.  Now GET MOVING, before I dismantle you myself!]

O: [laughs] “I’m known for my sparkling sense of humor.”

S: Oh, it’s mass transit system time…

C: [laughs]

S: ...with mines.

[The large tunnel is indeed revealed to be some kind of mass transit system.  In front of the party the tunnel descends deeper underground.  A train running on the ceiling passes by overhead.  Rolling spherical mines are scattered throughout the floor of the tunnel.  Megatron transforms and begins heading down the tunnel.  Soundwave and Breakdown manage to stay ahead of him.]

C: It's a pity Megatron is a tank, while everyone else is a travelling vehicle.

O: Right?  Like, they’re so much faster than me and I don't just think it's because they’re computer AI’s.

[The party continues down the tunnel, which is also, for not explainable reason, littered with ramps.

Breakdown: Whoa!  Watch out!

More trains pass overhead, the party enters a party of the tunnel with transparent walls.  Other trains are seen running in the distance, along with a lot of exposed piping.]

S: I'm honestly sort of amused that Soundwave is faster.

O: I mean… it- he is a vehicle in this one.

[There are also a few sets of pillars with laser sensors running between them.  Megatron jumps off a ramp and manages to hit one, causing some guns to pop out of the wall and shoot at him with missiles.]

S: I know, but considering that his most well known iterations aren’t vehicles, it's just- I always just find it really funny.

C: It’s like that scene in Beast Wars, “For the Predacon Alliance!”

O: [laughs]

C: Turns into a tape deck.

O: Oh, Ravage, I love you.

[The party continues onwards, until their tunnel meets up with another one.  Ahead of them a train moves across from right to left and two trains go past them on the ceiling.  Megatron turns on the new tracks, following Breakdown and Soundwave who are still ahead of him.]

O: Oh dear, I remember this.  I died.

C: [laughs]

[Megatron: Onward!  Through that door!

A smaller tunnel branches off the main one to the left.  Megatron transforms into robot mode and looks around, nearly getting hit by a train from behind before entering the dark tunnel.]

C: That’s some really good advice, don't get hit by a train.

O: Right?  I'm like, Megatron did not listen to his own advice the first time I played through this level, I don't think! [laughs]

S: And we're back to the green.

O: Yeahhhhh, Cybertron’s a dark, dark place, Specs.

S: Ehhhh…

C: [laughs]

[Megatron heads left at a fork in the tunnel, and walks over and picks up some ammo.

Megatron: A brilliant addition to my efforts!]

O: Megatron, I- do you say that every time you pick up ammo?  And like, I don't mean out loud.  I mean to yourself. [laughs]

S: He very well could.

[To the right a doorway can be seen on other side of the room through a hole in the wall.  Megatron heads back the way he came, heading down the right fork and smashing a weapon’s chest on his way.]

O: [quietly] I don’t know why I’m hitting this-

S: He likes to talk to himself.

O: He just likes to talk. [laughs]

C: [laughs]

[Megatron continues down the hallway, coming to door he’d seen through the wall.

Breakdown: It’s no use, Megatron!  The door’s locked!

Megatron: A simple solution, then.  Break the locks!

Megatron tries to shoot the door and hit it with his melee attack, but neither do anything.  He attempts to aim at the red targets, but nothing happens and he heads back up the hallway to the hole the door was visible through before.]

O: We’ve got to go around.

C: I was gonna say, I was like, “What?”

S: You have to shoot through something?

O: Yeah, but I- I think I have to go over here and shoot something.  Yeah.

C: Oh, of course you have to go to the other side of the door to open the locks on the door.

[Megatron shoots the locks through the hole, destroying them and the door.]

C: Why don't you just climb through there [the hole]?!

[Megatron: Blow open that door!]

O: [deep voice] “We're not savages!”

S: I mean…

O: [laughs]

[Megatron transforms and drives back over to the doorway, jumping down into the room below where Breakdown and Soundwave are waiting.]

S: We’ve got to be polite, got to knock first and then we open- then we go through.

O: Megatron’s idea of knocking is two Fusion Cannon blasts, through the door!  I mean, don’t you know anything? [laughs]

[Megatron: Move to that exit!  NOW!]

C: You do not want the third.

O & S: [laugh]

[Breakdown: Uh, Megatron...]

O: The third goes into your head.

[Soundwave: Autobot cloakers, present.

Megatron: Quickly!  Infuse the batteries with Dark Energon!

Invisible enemies begin firing on the party.]

S: Yeah…

O: Seems legit.

[Quest icons appear over three consoles in the room.  Megatron fires back at the Autobots firing at the party.]

S: Oh, I think- yeah, it looks like you need to um…

C: Shoot everything!

O: Uh, when don’t I?

C: [laughs]

[Megatron continues to shoot at enemies.]

S: I mean, did you activate the... thing [console]?

O: No, because I'm trying to kill the things that are shooting at me!

S: Good point.

[A cloaker uncloaks on top of a nearby platform.  Megatron fires off several shots, missing, but the cloaker continues to stand out in the open.]

C: That guys really content to just stand there.

S: Yeah.

[Megatron finally kills the cloaker and then runs over to one of the indicated consoles, planting a detpak on it.]

C: We believe in you, Owls.

S: Yeah.

O: Thank you, I’m not sure if I believe in me.

[A health chest is visible in the distance, across an area enemies are currently firing on.]

O: I want that health over there though! [laughs]

C: Classic shooter dilema.

[Megatron continues to fire, ducking in and out of cover.  Soundwave walks over and begins healing him.]

O: Oh, Soundwave, you're a beautiful bastard!

S: He is earning his keep today.

[Megatron: Hurry!  Destroy the batteries!]

O: Soundwave always earns his keep in my opinion.  Soundwave could be having an off day, and he’d still be more useful than half the Cons.

S: Oh, yeah.

[The party takes out several enemies clustered around one of the consoles, before Megatron runs over and plants a Detpak on it.]

S: But in this iteration he doesn't have, um, offensive features, or combat features.

O: I know you meant ‘off-fen-sive’ but my brain totally just heard he- he’s ‘o-ffen-sive’ somehow.  As in like, bad.

[The last of the cloakers are destroyed.

Megatron: Excellent work, Soundwave.  Now unlock the exit door.]

C: No, that’s clearly uh, the Soundwave from Animated.

S: [laughs]

O: He was fine!

C: [laughs]

O: He was fine!

C: He had the most catchy, annoying theme-

O: Like, no, I didn’t like him as much as other Soundwaves, but I liked him anyway.

[Megatron walks around the room, looking for any items and then heads over to the health chest and retrieves the health.  He then walks over to a console and activates it, opening a door in front of the group.

Megatron: MOVE, Decepticons!  Double-time!]

C: He was pretty funky fresh.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs] Goddammit.

[Megatron transforms into vehicle mode and drives down a stairway, arriving at a platform in the same (or similar to) the large tunnel from before.  He grabs some nearby ammo.

Breakdown: Hey Soundwave, you wanna race?

Soundwave: Negative.]

C: Alright, so Megatron-

S: So is it time for trains- sorry.

C: Oh no, go ahead.

S: Is it time for trains again?

C: It might be.

[Megatron transforms into vehicle mode and follows Soundwave and Breakdown into the descending tunnel.  The features from the last tunnel go around are still present, there are spherical rolling mines, ramps, movement sensors, and trains passing over head.]

C: Oh, no just mines of death.

O: Ah, I mean those- those were there in the last go around too.

S: Yeah, more trains!

C: [laughs]

S: The Cybertronian um, transit system is…

[Large flashing red warnings appear on the right and left just before a train passes in front of Megatron.  He uses a ramp, jumping over the moving train.]

O: What does that mean?  That doesn’t-

C: Whose idea do you think it was to put all these ramps down here?

[Megatron: Don’t get hit by the train, you fool!]

O: [snorts] Megatron!  We are far more likely to get hit by a train than either of your subordinates because I’m the one in the driv- the one behind the steering wheel!

[Megatron hits a mine before taking another ramp to avoid the next train.]

O: Um, obviously they’re for maintenance bots, honey.

[The tunnel ahead ends abruptly with a crashed train in the center.  The party diverts from the tracks to a smaller ramp on the right.

Megatron: There -- that station.  From there we can infiltrate the lower levels of Iacon.]

O: Well, they're obviously for getting over those trains that are perpendicular to you.

C: [laughs]

[Breakdown: What -- that’s it?  I was kind of having fun.  In a high speed, suicidal kind of way.]

C: They were probably like, “Well, we could dig safety maintenance tunnels, you know, to go under the trains,” and they were like, “No, you fool!  Ramps!  Ramps are the way to go!”

O: RAMPS! [laughs]

[The party heads up some stairs, exiting to an open air area.  Bridges, buildings, and various pipes all loom overhead.  In front of them are two sets of train tracks.

Soundwave: Megatron --Omega Key detected.  We should proceed through the logistics station.]

S: They’re much sexier.

[Megatron: Excellent!  The Omega Key awaits!]

O: [laughs]

C: It'll be awesome!  We’ll get all the- all the Cybertronian chicks, all two of them!

O & S: [laugh]

[A train passes in front of the party on the tracks nearest to them.

Soundwave: Megatron -- sensors indicate approaching Autobot energy signatures.

New Objective, “Pass through the lower city,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

S: Get all the hot jets.

C: [laughs]

Megatron: Decepticons -- ready your weaponry for battle!]

O: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the- the jets are the ones they’re trying to uh, allure, my dear.

C: Oh, okay.

[A bunch of Autobots pop out of hiding and begin firing at the party, who fire back.  More trains sporadically pass by on the two tracks.]

S: I wonder how many of the trains might actually be other transformers who are like, so done with the firefight in their workplace.

O: [laughs]

C: That’s a good point!

[The first wave of Autobots are destroyed and another group, this time with energon shields fall jump down from above.]

O: I mean, to be fair, we only know of like- the only time we’ve every really seen train Transformers was uh, in uh-

C: Astrotrain?

[Megatron takes cover behind a box and begins sniping the Autobots.  More trains cross by in front of him.]

O: Well-

S: Well, yes, there's Astrotrain and then there's the three of them from Car Robots in the original RID.

[Note: Transformers: Robots in Disguise, 2001, was called Transformers: Car Robots in Japan.  We frequently use the Japanese name to get across what we’re saying quicker because in the US there’s not less than three goddamn things using the title ‘Robots in Disguise’.]

O: Yeah, I mostly meant like, working train ro- like, robots that worked as trains.

C: Oh.

S: Which is-

O: Is what I’m trying to get across there.

S: Which is the three from um, Car Robots.

O: Yeah.

S: Cuz they like, abandon- at least one of them abandons like, a group of passengers in a tunnel to go in fight ah, Decepticons or Predacons.

C: Oh wow.

S: You know, I kind of want to see what would happen if an Autobot who was shielded was just in there when a train comes through.

C: [laughs]

O: Right? [laughs]

C: Maybe we’ll get lucky, I keep waiting for it.

O: And that’s how I died, by being crushed!

[Megatron suddenly dies and the game briefly goes to the ‘Mission Failed’ screen before the game loads back at the stairway leading up to the outdoor station.]

O: Oh!  Okay…

C: Whoa, what happened?

O: I don't know, somebody hit me.

[New Objective, “Pass through the lower city,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

C: From our perspective uh, I’d say it looked like you were winning.

S: Yeah.

O: [quietly] To a certain degree of winning. [normal volume] All right, come out, come out wherever you are, so I can shoot you.

[Megatron walks forward just enough to get the Autobots to come out of hiding before taking cover behind another box.]

S: It’s train time.  Unfortunately, you- we can't get in the trains.  Oh.

[Megatron snipes enemies.

Megatron: All shall fall before Megatron!]

O: Uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s nice, buddy.

C: [laughs]

S: His ego requires it.

[Megatron: Only fools stand against Megatron!]

O: Look, I’m just saying, riding shotgun with this character just involves me being like, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s nice.”

[The second wave of Autobots jump down after the first wave of Autobots are dispatched.]

C: Oh, you can’t see [your] health when you’re in the zoomed in mode. [When using the sniper rifle scope.]

S: Yeah.

C: That might have been what confused us.

S: Maybe.  Or maybe your character, maybe Megatron just ended up on the tracks?

O: I don’t think so, I was back behind the box.

[The last of the second wave are destroyed, when a third wave of Autobots run down stairs on the other side of the station.]

O: Goddammit, how many of there are you!?

S: Uh… a lot?

O: A lot, yeah!

[Megatron continues sniping.]

C: A lot of Autobots were really unhappy with their life and wanted a quick death.

O: And I’m providing it for them, got it. [laughs] Megatron’s providing a service.

[Megatron moves closer to the last Autobot killing him and clearing the room.  The Autobot cries out rather loudly when he’s shot.]

O: [imitating the Autobot] Blaaargh!  Blah, I say!

[Megatron walks around picking up ammo and other enemy drops before heading over the train tracks towards the other stairway.]

O: [sighs] Oh, jesus.  Alright.

C: I remember being a kid and playing games and like, things like running across the railroad tracks always freaked me out.

O: Were you afraid of the trains squishing you?

C: I don’t know why.

S: I mean… trains are dangerous.

[Megatron runs up the steps into a tunnel, and heads to his left.  Ahead of him the wall explodes and a sparking cylindrical object is sticking out of a newly created hole.

Breakdown: Take cover!

Megatron: Steady yourself, coward.  I marked this area for Dark Energon bombers.

Breakdown: Are you insane?!?  I mean… yes, brilliant, Megatron!

The party heads to the left, an open area that is currently the grounds of a large firefight is visible in the distance.]

O: [laughs] That- that inflection was- was amazing.  Thank you, thank you Knockout.

S: Breakdown?

O: Breakdown, yeah, sorry.  I blame Chezni, he was talking about Knockout earlier!

C: Yup, it’s my fault.

O: ~Always!

[Megatron stops and snipes some of the visible enemies ahead, before the area’s bombed with Dark Energon.]

O: I don’t know why I’m wasting my ammo when they're just going to get bombed with Dark Energon.  Meagtron, should- should I ask how you got this much Dark- I- I know we- I know supplied you with Dark Energon, but you had- you had enough to make Energon- Dark Energon bombers?  Really?!

[The party continues on, fallen Autobots litter the ground and the way forward is blocked by a pile of rubble.

Megatron: Perfect!  Soon Iacon will be no more than a thick layer of rubble!

Breakdown: The wreckage is in our way, Megatron.]

S: I don’t know, maybe it's-

[Soundwave: Megatron -- the debris scans as stable enough to support our weight.

Megatron jumps on the debris before jumping up into another tunnel.]

S: Maybe it turns into exponential growth at some point?  That would make it easier…

O: Nah, he just wants an easy supply of Space Crack.  Definitely that.

S: Yeah...

[Breakdown: Hey!  There’s Autobots unloading off the train!

Megatron: Leave no Autobot alive!

The party exits into another large room.  They are standing on a platform, below there are some stopped trains and several Autobots.  The party begins firing on them.

Megatron: Fall before Megatron!]

O: I don’t know why you felt the need to say that Megs, we never leave any Autobots alive.

[Breakdown: Okay, what needs doing?]

S: He just wants to you-

C: He won’t let us-

S: [laughs] Sorry.

C: Oh no, I just gonna say, you won't let us open the doors until we kill them all.

S: Yeah…

O: For some reason!  (Soundwave being incredibly petty.)

[Megatron attempts to shoot a distant Autobot, but the Autobot isn’t getting hit despite Megatron being on target.  The camera pulls out as he reloads, and it’s apparent the shots have clipped into a nearby wall instead.  He backs up and shoots the Autobot, finally destroying them.

O: I was like, “Why isn’t that working?

[Megatron: Blast those Aerialbots!

Aerialbots fly in from above.]

O: Oh, goody.

C: Yeah, the odd clipping on the box.

S: It’s the Aerialbots again.  I don't think they're a combiner in this one or maybe not, maybe they are, I don't know.

O: No, these are- that's just what they call any flying Autobots I’ve noticed.

S: Oh, that’s...

O: I know, not confusing at all, but…

S: Yeah, not a fan.

[The Aerialbots fly over the party dropping bombs as the party attempts to fire back.]

C: So wait, what did they call them in this one?

O: Well, they're just called Aerialbots because they can fly.

[The last Autobot is destroyed, and the party jumps down from their platform.

Soundwave: Megatron -- I have detected the Omega Key.  It lies beyond the train tunnel.

Megatron: Move out, Decepticons!

Megatron smashes some item chests, grabbing a nearby shield.]

S: It's just a generic term for flying Autobot instead of what it was in the cart- the G1 cartoon was- well, and in the comics- they were a combiner team who combined into uh… well.

O: Superion?

S: Yep.

C: Oh, and they were specifically called the Aerialbots?

O: Yeah.

S: Yes.

C: Gotcha.

S: Because they were planes.

O: And because so few of the- the Autobots really flew too, that was kind of distinct.

S: Yup.

[Megatron runs up some ramps and does some light platforming to reach Soundwave and Breakdown who are standing off to the left of some train tracks.  He then transforms and follows the tracks into a tunnel.  Ahead of him several red notices pop up in an alien text and he drives into a little area off the tracks to his left, returning to bot mode.  A train passes by on the tracks.

Megatron: Stay on the tracks -- if you want to get smashed to pieces!]

O: I feel like he’s having way to much fun with that…

S: I think he is too.

[Megatron transforms back into tank mode and drives up to another small area off the main tracks, this time on the right side of the tunnel.  He transforms back to bot mode.

Soundwave: Scans reveal poor structural integrity surrounding this maintenance access door.

Megatron smashes the maintenance door in the floor with his mace and falls to the floor below when it breaks.

New Objective, “Approach the Iacon Vaults,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

(COM) Brawl: Starscream!  This is Brawl!  We’re pinned down outside Zeta Prime’s vaults!  We need air support!]

O: Hey, there’s Brawl!

[Megatron: Excellent!  Brawl is already near the Omega Key!

Megatron walks forward and activate a console that is directly in front of him that opens a door on his right.  The party heads out the door and up some stairs, when they near the top something smashes through the ceiling in the room ahead, followed by an explosion.]

O: Yeah, that looks healthy.

C: Now they’re going to have to patch the roof.

O: I mean, Megatron I think, just wants to you know, start from ground zero I-I don't think- I don’t think- I think he just wants to redecorate by rebuilding, to be honest.

C: Big skylight.

S: Yeah.

[The party runs reaches the top, taking a left up a smaller flight of stairs, and Megatron shots an Autobot ahead that has his back to them.  The party then runs over to a large window.  There is a firefight going on outside, and the party fires on the Autobots.

Megatron: Autobots fall so easily!]

S: He takes a decidedly ballistic approach to redecoration.

O: [laughs] Yes!

C: That's well phrased.

O: Megatron doesn’t know the meaning of redecorating, he’s just going to renovate.

S: Yup.

[The party follows the walkway to their left, taking out another Autobot.

Breakdown: Look!  They’ve got Brawl outnumbered down there!]

C: What on Earth…?

[In an in-game cinematic it cuts to the floor of the area outside the windows from where the party is.  Six Autobots all pile on top of an enemy, before revealing they were attacking Brawl as he throws them all off at once.]

C: “They're eating him!  Then they're gonna eat me!  OH MY GOD!”

A: [laugh]

O: I think that’s Brawl just doin’- doin’ his thing- doin’ his thing down there.

S: Yeah.

C: Right, right, got it.

[The continue to follow the walkway, leading more into the interior of whatever building/structure they are in and run into one of the large Autobots with shields.]

C: That guy's got a big shield because he's just saying, “Please shoot me in the back!”

O: Right?  Not, you know, “I'm gonna put some extra shielding on my back!,” it’s gotta all be on the front.

[The Autobot is primarily focused on Soundwave as Megatron is going back and forth attempting to shoot the Autobot in his weak point on his back.]

O: Will you explode already?

C: He's trying.

[Megatron gets a few more shoots into the Autobot who finally explodes.]

O: [laughs] Well, tell him to try faster!

S: [laughs] Try harder to explode.

[Continuing ahead the party encounters two Autobots with the glowy barriers that are taken out relatively quickly.]

O: [nasally voice] Tell them to explode faster, Chezni!

C: All right, but I don't think he’ll listen.

O: [laughs] Does anyone ever listen in this [game]?

[Megatron grabs some ammo, and heads towards the next room.  A wall explodes in front of the party and a glowy barrier Autobot on the other side begins throwing grenades at them.]

C: Umm... Soundwave- er, not Soundwave, Starscream.

S: [snickers]

O: I don’t think Starscream listens either.

C: He uh, did in that first episode with- when he had his tail between his legs.

[Another glowy Autobot joins the first and Megatron backs up swapping to his Null Ray and taking one of them out.

Megatron: All shall fall before Megatron!]

C: “What's that, Lord Megatron?”  “Yes, of course, Lord Megatron!”

O: [laughs]

C: “Let me go off and get you that Dark Energon right no- right away, Lord Megatron!”

S: He was very intent on that booty call.

[The other Autobot is shortly dispatched and the party continues ahead.  They come out to a room with a large hole in the wall ahead of them.  An Autobot is standing on the edge with his back to them, but is quickly dispatched.]

O: Yeah, he was- he was turned on, also who the fuck is banging out there!?

C: It’s Cream, er, our cat.

O: I- I thought it was coming from the wall!

C: No.

O: Either that or we’ve got multiple banging going on here, but Cream is very insistent to be out here. [laughs]

[The party takes up the position vacated by the Autobot and Megatron begins sniping all the visible Autobots.]

O: Cream is not out here, cuz otherwise you would be hearing her over the mic giving me headbutts.

S: [laughs]

[Breakdown: Snipers!  Across the street!]

O: This isn’t an exaggeration, she just does that.  And I love it- it's adorable just not when I'm on a headset, like when I'm at work!

[Megatron: None can resist us!

The snipers across the street are hastily dealt with and Megatron runs over to the edge of the platform he and Soundwave are still on.]

O: Is that it?  You guys were making a big deal about snipers, is that all the snipers there were?

C: “Oh no, there’s snipers!”

O: Oh no?

S: Well, I mean there’s still s- that dude.

[Megatron looks down and snipes the one lone Autobot visible below.]

C: [laughs]

[He shoots another Autobot.]

O: It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, literally! [laughs]

S: You're in a very good spot for that.

[Soundwave: Megatron -- the area is now clear.

Megatron: Let us speak with Brawl, then.  I want to hear how my war is going.]

O: [snorts] Pharsing? [laughs] Okay.

[Megatron jumps down and checks the nearby nooks and crannies for items, picking up a shield in the process.

(COM) Brawl: Waiting for your orders, Megatron...]

O: Hey Brawl, how’s the explosions?

[Megatron runs over to a Decepticon standing on a platform in the middle the area.]

O: Are you Brawl?  No you’re not.  Where is Brawl?

[Megatron turns to his left and heads towards where the quest marker is indicating.]

O: Probably where the blue arrow is indicating, huh? [laughs]

C: “I am generic cep- Decepticon 75.”

O: [coughs and then laughs] “I am honored you thought I was Brawl, however!”

[Megatron smashes an ammo chest and walks over to the stairs Brawl is standing on.

Brawl: Lord Megatron!

Megatron: Report, Brawl.

Brawl: The Autobots are dug in and our precious air commander won’t provide support!]

O: [snorts]

[Megatron: Enough excuses!  Where is Zeta Prime?]

O: [laughs] Color me surprised!  Shocked even!

[Brawl: He’s just beyond those doors, Lord Megatron!

Megatron: Witness the power of Dark Energon!

Megatron walks over to some large stairs on his left and uses Dark Energon when prompted.]

C: So, is it only through the power of Dark Energon that they've been able to just do all this and kind of… hack Cybertron?

O: I think?  Maybe?

[Nothing happens.

Megatron: Impossible!

A large hologram of Zeta Prime materializes in front of the door.

Zeta Prime: It will take more than a speck of Dark Energon to breach the armor of our Vaults.]

C: OHHHHHH!

O: [laughs]

[Zeta Prime: Surrender now, Megatron and I will consider sparing your life.]

C: OHHHHHH!

[Megatron: You dare threaten me!?!  ME?!?

Megatron shoots at hologram, ineffectively.]

C & O: [laugh]

[Zeta Prime: So be it, Megatron.  I leave you to your own… futility.]

S: You know, his helmet is surprisingly Galvatron shaped.

O: Yeah, the irony is kinda funny.

[Breakdown: Oh great -- here we go…]

O: Alright.

[Megatron: [yelling] Brawl, call in the Dark Energon bombers!]

C: Oh, Megatron’s mad.

O: PISSED.

[Brawl: But Megatron, there’s too much firepower -

Megatron:  DO AS I HAVE ORDERED, BRAWL!

Brawl: Yes, Megatron.  Bombers, target these coordinates!  Everyone else -- CLEAR THE STREET!]

O: “Yes, Lord Megatron.  Right away, Lord Megatron.  Please don't take off my head, Lord Megatron.”

[Megatron transforms and drives into an area where the Decepticons are sheltering from the bombers, he passes by several Decepticon grunts as he heads towards some stairs.

Sensible Decepticon: Look!  It’s Megatron!

Decepticon With A Death Wish: About time.  Why’d he show up so late?

Sensible Decepticon: Shut UP!  You trying to get us both killed?]

C: I assume the guy on the projector was Omega Supreme?

O: No, no-no-no-no.  That was-

S: Sentinel Prime?

O: -Sentinel Prime.

[Note: Despite his name literally being on the screen less then a minute ago, we’re both wrong, it’s Zeta Prime.]

C: I see.

[In-game cinematic: Two Decepticon bombers drop into frame flying over the area the party just vacated.

Brawl: Bombers inbound!]

O: Omega Supreme is HUGE.  Like, he is, I think, the final boss for the Decepticon campaign, and he’s HUGE.

C: Oh!  He’s the one that turns into the- the base.

O & S: Yeah.

C: Okay, I’m sorry.

[The bombers are quickly shoot by anti-aircraft guns and go down, crashing into buildings.  The camera returns to Megatron.  One of the downed ships is burning right in front of him.

Breakdown: Well, THAT was a complete disaster.]

Megatron: Silence!  Obviously our bombers are incompetent!]

O: [laughs]

S: Yeah, I think in the Autobot campaign it's Trypticon, that's the final boss, maybe?

O: Yeah, yeah, it’s Trypticon.

[Brawl: Lord Megatron -- if I may make a suggestions?  Disabling the anti-aircraft guns would open the way for our air support...

Megatron: An excellent though, Brawl.  Carry it out.

New Objective, “Disable the anti-aircraft guns,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

C: Wait.  They called for air support and the plane flew into the wall?

[Megatron heads to his left, stopping on the edge of a drop off.  The Autobots and Decepticons are in a fire fight.

Brawl: Decepticons!  Take those guns!]

O: Ehh, the- the anti-aircraft guns took it out.

C: Oh.

O: So they’re like, “Take out those guns and that’ll help!” and you’re like, “No shit!”

[Megatron begins sniping Autobots who are on another ridge across from the platform he’s standing on.

Megatron: We got another one!]

C: Wait… are the machines flying other non-transforming machine?

O: Yes.

S: Uh, probably.  It’s also-

C: Is that normal?

O: Yes.

S: Yeah… It's also entirely possible that they could be uh, flying Transformers that are actually transformed, or dead.

C: Yikes.

O: Well... I mean that’s kind of what they do with Trypticon later, it’s not that weird, unfortunately.

[Megatron moves closer to the Autobot occupied area.]

C: Yeah.

S: I mean, it’s what they did in More Than Meets the Eye after uh…

O: Oh, yeah!

S: Yeah, the- the Necrobot’s base.

O: They're like, “Oh shit, we have no ship to get off we're just gonna take this Decepticon, mass shift him and fly his dead corpse off planet.” [laughs]

C: [laughs]

S: Yeah.

O: Like, I'm not even paraphrasing or exaggerating-

S: That’s pretty much just…

O: Pretty much, yeah.

S: Pretty much what they did.

[Megatron pauses and looks behind him at the firefight before entering a doorway on his left and following a path upwards towards where the anti-aircraft gun are located.]

C: Megatron’s like, “Ehhh, you guys got that.”

[Megatron enters a room that has two large windows on the left side.  Two Decepticons grunts are firing back at Autobots inside.

Breakdown: Turrets!  They’re gonna chop us to pieces!

Megatron: No one turns back!  Destroy those guns by ANY means necessary!]

O: Or take them, maybe?

[Brawl: You heard Lord Megatron!  Decepticons -- lay down cover fire while we take that building!

Megatron takes cover behind the pillars next to the windows and door and snipes various Autobots, some snipers, and some stationed at turrets.]

C: Ultra Magnus.  That's who I was thinking uh, Omega Supreme was for some reason.

O: [laughs]

S: Oh...

O: Wow, that was wildly inaccurate!

S: Yeah.

[Megatron continues sniping Autobots, butsome turrets he already cleared out are being manned by Autobots again…]

C: Right?  I think it's cuz they're both- they're both- both of their names are like two words?

S: Yeah.  I can see that.

[Megatron attempts to back up but is blocked by a Decepticon that is ducking behind him.]

O: [deep voice] “Move, Decepticon!”

C: Right? [laughs] “No!  I’m safe here!”

O: [deep voice] “You’re not safe behind me if I decide to shoot you!”

[Megatron: This fate awaits all who oppose me!

Megatron continues to snipe.  The Autobots keep spawning in and taking control of the turrets.  The nearest turret turns towards Megatron and shoots at him, missing.]

O: Oh my god, why!?  Why do you keep spawning?  Just stop already!

C: Yeah, the real question is why they're like, “Hmm, well we were shooting down this hallway at the people coming at us maybe if I do it, I’ll fare better than the guy who died last time?

O: Right!?

C: That one at least tried to point the gun at you.

[Megatron shoots at an Autobot but instead of moving in the direction of the gunshot’s momentum he flies backwards out of Megatron’s scope at high speed and hits a large cylindrical object, then slides down and explodes.]

O: [laughs] I love physics!  Like, the physics in this is so weird!  He just went flying backwards. [laughs]

C: But yeah, they're like, “Hmm, someone from the side is shooting us.  Oh well, I’ll just run and grab this gun!”

[After sniping a few more Autobots Megatron runs out of the room and up stairs to his right.  An Autobot sitting in a turret on one of the stairway landings leaves his turret and tries to attack the party, but gets a Fusion Cannon to the face.]

O: I think I’m supposed to be going up there without uh, killing all of them.

[Autobot: We’ve got to protect the anti-air guns!

Brawl: Now!  Hit the Autobots while they’re distracted!

The party continues upwards and into a dimly lit corridor before ascending more stairs.  They pass by a glitching Zeta Prime hologram.]

O: Like, maybe- maybe I'm supposed to be moving, but I- I like my idea better.  They just keep coming because they’re idiots.

[Megatron reaches a console and activates it, opening a door to his right that leads back outside.  Seeing a health chest he runs over and smashes it, despite still having a shield left.]

O: I don’t know why I hit that, I don’t need that either.

[There is a console to Megatron’s right, as well as a nearby Autobot who has his back to him.  Megatron runs over to the console, but no UI displays as he runs around the console.]

C: These are not working computer.

[Megatron runs over to the oblivious Autobot and smashes him with his melee attack.]

C: [laughs]

[Megatron: There!  The gun controls!]

O: [laughs] Yes!  I know!  I was trying to hit them, Megs!

[Megatron returns to the console, having to wait for his dialogue to complete before finally being given the option to interact with the console and planting a detpak on it.]

C: You had to smash that guy over the head first.

O: Ey- ust Megatron really wanted to smash that guy over the head.

[The detpak explodes, and the console swaps over from Autobot red to Decepticon purple, complete with Decepticon insignia on it’s screen.  Dark Energon begins forming on the nearby anti-aircraft gun.  Megatron turns back to the console, which is now also being consumed by Dark Energon crystals.]

O: Okay, so now we've got Dark Energon infecting the aircraft guns… and everything else to be honest.

[Breakdown: Niiiice!  Takes one gun to blow up the other!

Soundwave: Megatron -- the controls are overloading.

Purple electricity begins coming off the console, and Dark Energon begins taking over a nearby wall.]

O: The Dark Energon’s too much!

[Megatron: Move, Decepticons!

Megatron jumps off the platform to the ground below, transforming in midair and driving little ways before returning to bot mode and looking back up at the anti-aircraft gun.  The console explodes.]

S: Oh, and this is very hectic.

[Breakdown: That almost punched our tickets!  I thought Dark Energon was on our side?]

O: [snorts]

[Megatron: Brawl -- call in the bombers.

Dark Energon still covers the anti-aircraft guns and surface near it but doesn’t appear to moving out any further.]

O: [laughs] Megatron’s like, “Moving on.”

C: Right-

[Megatron wanders around the nearby area while Brawl coms Starscream.

Brawl: Transmitting the coordinates…

Starscream (COM): Brawl, this is Starscream!  Your request is denied.  I won’t have you wasting more of my ships!]

O: Oh god...

S: Dark Energon does not give a shit.

O: Neither does Megatron in about 3 seconds!

S: Pretty much.

[Megatron: I see.  When did they become YOUR ships, Starscream?]

S: Mmmmmm!

[Starscream (COM): Oh -- Lord Megatron!  I didn’t realize YOU were there!]

O: [laughs] I mean, “Yes!”

[Starscream (COM): Air support request approved -- but it will be a few cycles before the bombers can reach you.  I’m afraid you’ll just have to be patient.

Brawl: We’ve got Autobot reinforcements headed our way!]

C: When did Starscream grow a spine!?

O: Right!?!

S: Apparently, when the booty call turned out to be unsatisfying.

[Megatron: I shall make you pay for this, Starscream.  Decepticons -- hold your positions until the bombers arrive!

Megatron takes control of a nearby turret and begins shooting at the Autobot reinforcements below.

New Objective, “Defend the anti-aircraft guns,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

O: Yeah, are we assuming that already happened and he was not satisfied with how that went?  I mean...

S: Either that or he's pissed off that Megatron did not notice him.

O: [laughs] He didn’t comment on how pretty and shiny he was the last time they met.

[Brawl: Snipers on the bridge, Megatron!

Megatron aims the turret upwards and targets the Autobots that appeared on the bridge.  After they are destroyed he resumes shooting at Autobots on the ground who have decided to court death and are aiming directly at him.]

O: Hey, Chezni, you still there?

C: Oh, yeah.

O: Okay.

C: Sorry, uh, I think I was talking earlier wasn't I?

S: Maybe?

O: Uh, maybe I’m not paying enough attention.

[All the Autobots are destroyed.

Breakdown: That’s it?!?  We beat ‘em?

Brawl: No, no, no… there’s NO way the Autobots would give up that easily.]

C: I might have been cutting out through Discord, I’m not sure.

[Megatron: Agreed, Brawl.  Everyone hold fast and stay alert.

Breakdown: On the roof over there!  More Autobots!]

O: Strangely quiet as those lasers are being fired over there.

[Megatron attempts to turn to the Autobots who have spawned in on his left, but is restricted by the turret he’s on which doesn’t turn far enough.  Megatron hops out of the turret and begins sniping the enemy Autobots.

Decepticon: Autobot ground vehicle approaching!]

Megatron: We got another one!]

C: I was just so mesmerized by watching the machine gun fire.

O: [laughs]

C: It was addicting to watch.

O: Cuz machine guns make you happy.

C: Yes!

[Brawl: They’re firing from the windows!

Megatron continues firing at Autobots, periodically more drop down from the roof onto the balcony area the rest are shooting from.]

C: It's actually quite satisfying every time to see uh, Owls zoom in and just shoot things.

O: Well, I’m glad your entertained!

[One of the large Autobots with a machine gun walks out and Megatron begins shooting it.  Unfortunately, it does not die in one hit so Megatron continues to shoot it.]

O: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

C: That one's less satisfying!  It's not dying.

O: Ah what-

C: Make it die!

O: [laughs] “Make it die!”

[The large Autobot is vanquished!  Megatron swaps to his Fusion Cannon and begins shooting the other nearby Autobots.]

O: This is why I like the things- I- I like the- the weapons that kill them in one hit, ya know?

C: Yeah.

[Breakdown: The Autobots just keep coming!]

C: Specs, what's your uh, favorite weapon of choice?

[Brawl: Jets attacking from above!

Megatron picks up the turret gun dropped by the large Autobot and turns to his right, targeting a group of Aerialbots.]

S: I... don't think I actually have a preference for any of the weapons, because I'm not good with sniper rifles… Um, I mostly just a spray-and-pray sort of…

O: So, machine guns?

S: Yeah.

C: Yeah, I'm hearing machine guns.

[Megatron continues his machine gun Aerialbot rampage.

Megatron: All shall fall before Megatron!]

C: Actually, I think that lines up as well uh, with uh, previous levels that you played.  I remember see you get uh...

[Breakdown: Blast those Autobot junk-heaps on the bridge!

The pilfered turret runs out of ammo and Megatron swaps back to his Fusion Cannon.]

S: Yeah, I think I mostly had machine guns.  Either that or- well, uh, playing with the mealy weapons- or melee.

C: [laughs] I like to stab!

O: [snorts]

S: Yes.

[Megatron runs over to another mounted turret and takes aim at more Aerialbots.]

O: [laughs] I’m a talking car!

S: [laughs] Well, when I remember to transform.

C: Yeah!  As funny as it sounds in a Transformers game.

O: [laughs] You kinda forget you can do it.

S: Yeah.

[Two large turret carrying Autobots appear on the distant bridge.  Megatron shoots them but they persist in living.]

O: Oh my god, will you die already!?

C: Megatron is-

S: I wonder if you can shoot the screen?

C: The screen?

S: Cuz there's a screen that's occasionally-

[Megatron turns to his left where a glitching screen is visible, he shoots it but nothing happens.]

O: Oh.

C: Oh! [laughs]

O: I was like, no, you can’t have it [the gun] face the camera, was the way I was interpreting that in my head.

S: [laughs]

C: Makes me want to-

[One of the two large Autobots finally goes down.]

O: FINALLY!  Jesus!

C: Make sure that the canon of uh, the- the plot of um, Megatron vs all Cybertronian ads continue.

O & S: [laugh]

O: I mean… I would be into that-

[Breakdown: We’re gonna get slaughtered!

Megatron: Stop your whining, Breakdown, or I’ll stop it for you.

Brawl: They’re coming from all directions!]

O: -would be funny to me.  The real reason um, the real reason Megatron fucking lost it is because he was tired of ads.

[Megatron rips the turret off and begins shooting at snipers that have spawned on the bridge.

Breakdown: Megatron, they’re everywhere!  What do we do??]

C: Right.

[Megatron: WE HOLD THEM OFF.  The bombers will clear the street when they arrive!  Rely on that!]

C: “My fellow Decepticons, do you realize that every day you are assaulted by 20,000 different advertisements?  Where’s the decency!?”

O: [laughs] “But they’re all from two ad agencies on the entire planet!”

[Megatron: [laughs manically] ]

S: Oh gosh, that's just making you wonder if someone's done an ad agency AU, where they're basically competing ad agencies instead of competing factions?

[Megatron continues targeting all the large number of Autobots that are now spawning in multiple locations, until runs out of ammo in the turret.  He drops the turret.]

O: Fuck that was-

C: Right, Megatron is just busting up the monopoly.

[Breakdown: That’s -- that’s the WHOLE AUTOBOT ARMY!  We’ll never--

Brawl: BOMBING RUN WILL COMMENCE IN FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO… ONE!

Megatron runs over to another turret but is taken down by Autobot fire.]

O: Crap!

[The Mission Failed screen appeared and Owls selects, “Restart from checkpoint.”]

O: OH MY GOD!  I have to do that again! [laughs] I apparently got right to the end but I died.

[The level reloads at the point where all the Aerialbots had started spawning in.

New Objective, “Defend the anti-aircraft guns,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

S: Oh, no!

C: Maybe it saved?

[Breakdown: The Autobots just keep coming!

Brawl: Jets attacking from above!]

O: Well, I’m hoping that I don’t have to do all of them again, maybe?

C: Yeah.

S: No, you’re probably going to have to do- kill all of them, again.

[Megatron takes a turret, and begins shooting Aerialbots.  This one is revealed to not be a machine gun, but something much more akin to his Fusion Cannon blasts.]

O: This is not a machine gun turret.  I did not know these existed!

C: That looks like a fusion gun- cannon turret, thing.

S: Maybe?  Yeah, that’s-

O: I mean, I’m okay with this, to be honest.  I prefer being- not having to shoot things a billion times.

[Megatron shoots one of the Aerialbots which causes and explosion that takes out two additional nearby Autobots.]

O: And that's very satisfying.

C: Satisfying to watch!  I hate using things like this.

O: Well, that’s why you give me all the bigger guns, dear.

C: That is true.

[Breakdown: Blast those Autobot junk-heaps on the bridge!

Two large turret wielding Autobots appear on the bridge, Megatron begins shooting at one of them, while periodically swapping back to take out groups of Aerialbots.]

O: I have better aim than you anyway.

C: Aim!?!  What's that?

O: I know.

C: Food?

O: [laughs] You’re like, machine gun, shot gun, what aim?  There is no aim, there is only shoot!

[Megatron targets one of the turret Autobots but keeps missing because the Autobot is moving.]

C: Although, you need to aim where they're going to be and not where they are.

O: I KNOOOOW.

C: [laughs]

[One turret Autobot goes down.  Megatron takes aim at the other.]

C: At least killing those guys is easier with this thing.

O: Oh, thank you god!

[The second turret Autobot is defeated.  Megatron begins taking damage as shoots hit him from below.]

S: Like, this is going a lot faster than the other one did.

O: Who is shooting at me?  You are shooting at me.

[Megatron destroys the one lone Autobot on the ground.]

S: They’re from the ground, yeah.

C: A tiny boy.

O: A tiny boy is shooting me.  A tiny boy must die.

C: Tiny, dead boy.

O: Tiny, dead boy.

[Breakdown: I’m the fastest thing on four wheels!]

C: [laughs] No one's arguing that point but is that really necessary to bring up right now?

S: Well, I feel like-

[An Autobot gets on the platform with the party and begins shooting.  Megatron can’t maneuver the turret to hit him and tries to exit, but instead rips it off.]

O: Argh!  I keep hitting the wrong button.

S: He's channeling Dragstrip.

[Breakdown: We’re gonna get slaughtered!

Megatron: Stop your whining, Breakdown, or I’ll stop it for you.]

C: Wait!  He goes from, “I’m the fastest thing on two [four] wheels!” to, “We’re gonna get slaughtered!” 

[Brawl: They’re coming from all directions!]

O: Oh!  I thought an Autobot said that.

[Breakdown: Megatron, they’re everywhere!  What do we do??]

C: Oh, did he?

S: Maybe?

O: Maybe I’m wrong.  [Yup, I am very wrong. ~O]

[Megatron continues to run around with the Nucleon Shock Cannon shooting as a large number of Autobots spawn in.

Megatron: WE HOLD THEM OFF.  The bombers will clear the street when they arrive!  Rely on that!]

S: Well, I don’t know- I don't think they have particularly of a wide range of voice actors?

O: Yeah… at least not- certainly not for the little guys.

S: Yeah.

C: Oh, did you rip that thing off?

O: I did.  I wasn't trying to.

C: The Nucleon Shock Cannon.

O: Which, apparently, I like much more than the other guns!

[Breakdown: That’s -- that’s the WHOLE AUTOBOT ARMY!  We’ll never--

Brawl: BOMBING RUN WILL COMMENCE IN FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO… ONE!

An in-game cinematic plays, as the Decepticon bombers finally hit their targets.  The party, plus Brawl are standing on a platform, Brawl turns to Megatron.]

S: Well, nucleon makes sense considering uh, what it actually does in the comic canon.

[Breakdown: Wooooo-hoooo!  BOOM!  Eat THAT, Autobots!

Brawl: The street looks clear, Megatron.]

O: Does it-

C: Wait, so it’s a real thing?

S: Yeah, nucleon is basically a heavy-duty powerup, but it prevents transforming in the Marvel Comics.

O: Huh.

[Brawl: That should’ve blown the Vault doors clear off!

Megatron: Good.  Brawl -- remain here and hold this position.  The rest of us will move forward and acquire the Omega Key!]

S: And it may, or may not uh… uh, also kind of fuck with them.

[Megatron jumps down from the platform the party has been on during the prior fight.  The street below is littered with debris, Dark Energon crystals, and Autobots with varying degrees of damage.  A nearby Autobot runs towards Megatron, but trips and Megatron stomps on him.

Autobot: Help… me… Must… fight… Must warn… Zeta Prime...]

S: Cuz, I think like, Grimlock ends up an Action Master because of it.  An Action Master as a transformer who doesn't transform.

O: Hmm.

C: Gotcha.

S: It's been a while since I've done anything with… since I’ve read any of those um...

[New Objective, “Enter the Iacon Vaults,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

Megatron hits Autobots with his melee attack that are on the ground as he heads towards the Iacon Vaults’ entrance.]

C: Are you running around punching corpses!?

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, they were still alive.  They were still shooting at me, they had to die.

C: [laughs]

[Megatron runs over to some ammo but is unable to pick it up.  He reloads the Null Ray and then picks it up refilling 1 ammo.]

O: I’m taking the one thing of ammo from it, alright?  Don’t judge me.

S: Like, nucleon is apparently an actual thing rather than just nucleon in Transformers.

[An in-game cinematic plays as the party reaches the Iacon Vaults.  A huge Autobot, 2 to 3 times the height of Megatron bursts out of a wall and lands in front of the party.

Big Autobot: Engaging Decepticons at the Iacon Vaults.

The Autobot moves forward while a Decepticon grunt fires on him, crushing the grunt under his giant feet.

Decepticon: Fall back!  Fall back!

The big Autobot then transforms into a big tank.]

S: Oh a giant- !

O: Oh goody.

S: I wonder if that’s-

C: I wanna play as that guy!

[Breakdown: What the-?!?  That guy is huge!]

C: Yeah, I want to be that thing!

[Megatron: Split up and flank him!  Use the debris for cover!

Megatron fires some tentative shots at the tank but doesn’t appear to be doing any damage.  He uses the debris to maneuver around the tank looking for a weak point.

S: Okay- yeah, nucleon is an incredible power- incredibly powerful energy source capable of being used as fuel by a Transformer but though it can give great strength and power and has even revived the non-functional it has terrible side effects to quote uh, the TF Wiki.

C: Alright.

[Breakdown: The tank’s armor is too tough!  We gotta find a weak spot!

The tank has a weak point on it’s rear and Megatron unloads several Fusion Cannon rounds into him.]

S: And yeah, one really common side effect is loss of transformation.

[The Autobot transforms back into robot mode.  Megatron targets him, and seeing that the reticle turns red on the Autobot’s crotch begins shooting accordingly.]

O: Shoot the crotch!

S: [laughs]

C: Would you be stuck in whatever form you were in when you took it?

S: Um, possibly?  Mostly I think they were stuck it in robot mode.

[The party continues firing on the Autobot, who seems to only be targeting Soundwave.  Megatron hangs back, transforming into tank mode once his Fusion Cannon ammo runs out and continuing to fire.]

C: Gotcha, and yeah, Owls you are definitely shooting the crotch.

[Megatron: We’ve breached its armor!  Now DESTROY IT!]

S: [laughs]

O: The ret- the reticle turned red!

C: [laughs]

O: Don’t judge me!

C: For obvious reasons!

O: Obviously!  I'm sorry Soundwave, but I'm really glad you say aiming at you and not me. [laughs]

C: Soundwave’s over there just going, “OH MY GOD, WHAT’S GOING ON!?!” [laughs]

[The Autobot if finally taken down after 8 tank rounds are unloaded into the crotch area, he then explodes.

Soundwave: Megatron -- the tank has been rendered non-functional.]

C: I mean, “Didn’t even break a sweat, thanks boss.”

O: [laughs]

[Breakdown: You see that?  *I* did that.  ALL.  Me.]

C: Ohhhh my god.

O: Breakdown, Breakdown are- do you want to die?

[Megatron picks up some nearby ammo.

Megatron: A brilliant addition to my arsenal!

He then walks forward, towards where Breakdown and Soundwave are waiting next to the vault entrance.

Megatron: Onward, Decepticons.  Into the Vaults!]

S: Well-

O: “You know what?  You know what I'm having for dinner tonight?  Your ass.” [laughs]

C: [laughs]

S: Dead End is the one with the death wish.

O: Yeah…

[Megatron walks up to some debris blocking the vault entrance and plants a detpak on it.]

C: Wait, who's Dead End?

S: Another Stunticon, he sounds very British in the G1 cartoon.

[The detpak explodes and the party enters the Vaults.  Debris litters the floor, and just inside a hologram of Zeta Prime appears.

Zeta Prime: Megatron.  My, you are a persistent one!  But breaking into my Vaults?!?  You’ve overstepped yourself.]

O: Yeah, I don't really remember him I only know him because you like him.

S: He's a Porsche [Porsch]- or a Porsche [Por-shuh].

O: That’s funny. [laughs]  Why- like-

S: Breakdown’s a Lamborghini.  Yes?

O: Were the Stunticons the ones Starscream made?

[Megatron: I won’t waste words with you, Zeta Prime.  Give me the Omega Key, and I may spare what’s left of your city.

New Objective, “Find the Omega Key,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.]

S: No, that was um, the Combaticons.

O: Gotcha.

S: The Stunticons are the ones that uh, Megatron stole like, the key to Vector Sigma for.

O: Right, right.  I know there was something.  Like they were created somehow.

S: Yeah.

[Megatron shoots a large piece of debris that is still barely connected to ceiling.  It falls and creates a hole in the floor.  The party jumps through.]

C: You know, they should make Con-a-cons.  Cons that were made specifically for cons?

[A large Zeta Prime hologram appears to the right of the party.

Zeta Prime: The Omega Key will NEVER be yours Megatron.]

S: [quietly] God.

O: [laughs] Why are you like this, Chezni?

[Megatron: I look forward to debating that with you IN PERSON.]

O: [snorts]

[Decepticon: Lord Megatron!  Help!

Megatron heads down some stairs on the left.]

C: They'd be great at cons!

O: I think Starscre- or I think Megatron’s like the worst customer, like, [deep voice] “I will come into your store and you WILL process this return!”

A: [laugh]

O: “Or so help me, Primus!”

[The party enters a room where a Decepticon grunt is visible behind a large glass-like barrier in front of them.

Breakdown: Zeta’s got one of our guys trapped!

A reddish insignia appears on the ground underneath the grunts feet.

Breakdown: Look at the floor!  What’s Zeta up to?]

C: “You will give me a refund of $39.99!”

O: Right.

C: “Uh, sir, that's not how this works!”  “I don't think you understand you will give me a refund.”

O: [laughs] Right?  Seems- seems accurate

[A large pillar of metal slams down as the grunt throws himself forward avoiding it.  Another insignia appears under where he is currently standing.

Decepticon: Hey -- I’m still functional!  I’M STILL F--

The Decepticon waves to the party before being smashed by another pillar.

Megatron: Idiot.  Decepticons!  Onward!

Zeta Prime: You cannot hope to overcome my defenses, Megatron!

The party enters a hallway on their left.  It is lit with reddish lights on the walls, and a circular doorway is visible on the far end.  Megatron walks forward and the reddish insignia from before appears underneath his feet.  An insignia also appears further down the hallway, but Megatron transforms and drives to the clear area between the two.]

C: Also, did somebody get flattened?

O: Yup!

S: Yes.

[The large pillars smash down where the insignias were.

Megatron: Your pathetic machinery won’t stop me, Zeta Prime!]

C: Oh, geez!

O: Which is why I’m waiting until that one-

[Another insignia appears where Megatron is standing.  He quickly drives as ahead as the pillar in front of him slowly rises.

Breakdown: Watch out, Megatron!  You’re gonna get smushed!]

C & S: [laugh]

O: Bitch, I've done this before!

[Megatron reaches the door, and returns to robot mode.  A hologram of Zeta Prime appears in front of the door.  Megatron smashes some nearby chests and picks up ammo while Zeta talks.

Zeta Prime : Come no further, Megatron!  The sacred Vaults are no place for your tainted spark.]

C: Breakdown said sm- he didn't say smashed or flattened, he said-

C & O: ‘Smushed!’

O: [laughs]

S: Yes.

[Megatron: Nothing is sacred to me, Zeta Prime.  You should have realized that by now.  Decepticons!]

C: ‘Smooshed.’

O: [laughs] He- he baby.

C: [laughs]

S: Smoosh, smoosh, smoosh.

O: Smoosh, smoosh.  Breakdown, baby. [laughs]

[Zeta Prime’s hologram disappears and Megatron uses Dark Energon on the door.]

O: It's just funnier when I try to connect that this eventually became the Breakdown in Prime.

C: Oh, yeah!

[The doorway is destroyed, and Dark Energon crystals form in the general vicinity.   A room with a lone dais in the center is revealed.]

O: Because same continuity and all, and my brain hurts.

C: Is he the one who loses the eye?

O: Yup!

S: Yup.

O: Same character, supposedly.

[An in-game cinematic begins.  The party enters the room and Megatron walks up to the dais, reaching towards the large key-like object that is floating on it.  The dais suddenly sinks into the floor and the key flies off.

Megatron: Finally!  The Omega Key is within my - What?!?]

O: [yells] Ah! [laughs] Yoink!

[Zeta Prime rises from a large platform in the back of the room and catches the key.

Zeta Prime: Did you really think it would be that easy?]

C: “I’ll be taking that.”

[Megatron points at Zeta Prime.

Megatron: Come down HERE, Zeta Prime, and I will give you the answer!]

C & O: [laugh]

[Zeta Prime: I shall remain where I am -- this vantage point will provide an excellent view of your destruction.

A dome shaped barrier appears around Zeta.  He remains still with the key floating next to him as the room begins to change around the party.  A large number of pillars lift up revealing a much larger room.  The large room is circular, with Zeta Prime in the center.]

C: “You don’t understand, Megatron.  I'm this level's boss!  I wait in a room while you dispatch all of my minions-”

O: [laughs]

[A large dome shaped metal object above Zeta’s own little barrier dome generates a massive hologram of Zeta Prime from the chest up.  The hologram’s movements match the real Zeta’s below.

New Objective, “Defeat Zeta Prime,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

Zeta Prime: My will controls this entire chamber, Megatron.  I need only close my hand to crush the life out of you!

Megatron transforms and begins driving around Zeta.]

C: He’s acting like he’s so tough!  But he’s standing in a bubble!

O: Okay, I remember this.  I remember this, oh no, I remember this.

[Breakdown: The floor is glowing!  It’s everywhere!  He’s gonna smash us!

The floor beneath Megatron begins glowing red, as he tries to get out of range but isn’t quick enough and gets smashed by a pillar.]

O: Uh...

C: Oh no, the floor is lava!

[The Mission Failed screen appears.]

C: Oh, geez!

O: I did not move fast enough.

[Owls selects, “Restart From Last Checkpoint,” and the game reloads.]

S: That’s concerning.

O: [laughs]  Noooo, no.

[The same cinematic as before plays.

Owls pauses, and unpauses a few times looking for skip option.

Megatron: Finally!  The Omega Key is within my - What?!?]

O: Can- can I skip this?

O: No?  Am I just gonna have to watch this a zillion times?  No.

C: You know what-

S: I think you just have to be-

[The cinematic is skipped and the battle begins.

New Objective, “Defeat Zeta Prime,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

Zeta Prime: My will controls this entire chamber, Megatron.  I need only close my hand to crush the life out of you!

Megatron transforms into vehicle mode.]

C: -they spent a lot of time on that cinematic, you’re gonna watch it!

O: Zeta Prime spent a lot of time on that hologram to make him super buff.

C: Right?

[Breakdown: The floor is glowing!  It’s everywhere!  He’s gonna smash us!

Megatron successfully evades the pillar this time.  The pillar is reveals to be two pillars that effectively cover the entire distance from Zeta to the wall in a straight line.

The way the pillars in this fight work is that there are two rings of them, one inner ring immediately around Zeta’s little bubble and another outer ring going around.]

O: Yes, I got that much.

[Zeta continues to bring down more pillars, in two sets of two.  Imagine it as if you were drawing a line through the center of a circle, and that’s the pattern the pillars are falling in.]

C: So, wait, so he's not even smashing you with a hologram?  He's just smashing with random metal things.

O: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he's still posing with the hologram, you know?

C: Yeah.

O: That part is important!

C: Right?  And I know this is probably a stupid question, but why doesn't he just make all of them come down to the same time!?

[Zeta Prime: Do you see now, Megatron?  This is my domain.]

O: Because he wants to feel powerful.

C: I think he can’t-

[Megatron transforms into robot mode.

Megatron: Your theatrics don’t frighten me, Zeta.]

O: I agree!  I agree, that I think they ARE theatrics!

C: Yeah!

[Zeta Prime: Here, I have the power to control… and create…

Several life sized Zeta Prime holograms appear and begin attacking the party who fight back.]

C: Now he's gonna make his tiny boys come after, you even though he's sit- he's sitting there safe in that bubble!

[Zeta Prime brings down three of the inner pillars briefly before they are lifted back up.  The remaining Zeta clones are dispatched.

Megatron: Endless duplicates of Zeta Prime - how nauseating!

Megatron picks up ammo that was dropped by the clones.]

O: I’m just saying, not all the time does Megatron have no reason to be mad at the Autobots, you know?

C: Yeah.

O: When their leaders are like this, he's got a point.

C: Also, wait, are those fake Autobots?

O: They’re his holograms.

S: Apparently he just does stuff with solid light holograms.

C: Right!?

[Megatron: Is that all, Zeta?  A pathetic army of energon clones?  Is that the best you can do?]

O: [snorts]

C: Oh, energon clones.

[Zeta Prime: HAHAHAHA!  You have NO idea!  Here, I have limitless power!]

C: So that’s what Megatron did in G1…

O: Huh?

[Soundwave: Megatron, we may be able to damage Zeta’s machinery during its recharge cycle.

The metal dome above Zeta opens up revealing a large reddish-orange core.  The party begins firing at it.]

C: With all those clones of everyone he has-

O: OH.  Well, I don’t they’re holograms, unfortunately.

[Breakdown: Blasting his shield won’t work!

The metal closes in around the core again.

Zeta Prime: A valiant attempt, Decepticons, but Autobot machinery is more resilient than you realize.]

C: No, no, I know, they don't have their shininess.

O: [laughs]

[Soundwave: Alert.  ALERT.  Zeta Prime is modifying the room.

The floor below Megatron begins glows he begins walking away from it but is smashed by a pillar.]

O: Oh come on!  I thought I’d gotten away...

[The Mission Failed screen displays.  Owls selects, “Restart From Last Checkpoint,” and the game reloads right after they’d damaged the core.

New Objective, “Defeat Zeta Prime,” displays briefly on the right side of the screen.

Zeta Prime: A valiant attempt, Decepticons, but Autobot machinery is more resilient than you realize.]

C: Yeah, I didn’t quite catch what hit you.

O: It was another smashy thing.

C: Oh.

O: Thankful it saved, so I don’t have to do all of that again.

[Breakdown: Ceiling’s coming down!  Get away from the mashers!

Zeta brings the outer ring of pillars down one at a time, Megatron moves into the interior to avoid them.]

C: So Specs, what is- what is Zeta Prime usually do?  I actually haven't really seen anything with Zeta Prime.

S: Uh, Zeta Prime is actually not a character I remember seeing very much about, he’s probably just one of the-

O: Well, he can bring them all down, Chezni.

C: Oh.

O: Oh shit.

[The floor under the inner ring begins glowing and the party tries to stay ahead of them to avoid getting smashed.  They eventually reach a gap where an exterior ring was either not brought down or has already been raised and exit into the gap.]

C: He just can’t bring them down when they’re close to you, oh.  No, I'm dumb I just now realized the red markings on the floor indicate he's going to bring them down.

O: [laughs]

C: Just now.  I am- you are probably very happy that we are not playing with you.

[Zeta Prime raises all the pillars and generates more clones of himself.

Breakdown: How can we win if he keeps making more clones?!?]

O: [laughs] You would have gotten crushed so many times.

C: Yes.

S: Okay, Zeta Prime is apparently from the original Transformers cartoon, from the third season, I think.  But I don't think he had a very uh, big part I think he's mostly from um, the ID- the 2005 IDW continuity.

[Zeta Prime brings down more pillars in the inner ring, but misses the party and they are raised again.

Soundwave: The Energon composition of these clones is remarkable.

Breakdown: You can be a SUCH a nerd, Soundwave!]

O: [snorts]

[Soundwave: Megatron -- Zeta Prime’s machine core is now vulnerable.

The machine core is visible again, and the party fires on it.]

C: Gotcha.

O: Is he a bastard in that one too?

[Soundwave: Zeta Prime’s shield has proven impenetrable.]

S: Mm, well, I don't think he’s, like, a bastard in the Marvel com- or not Marvel, ugh.

O: In G1.

[The core is hidden again and the screen shakes as something above the party explodes, small debris falls around them.

Megatron: Your machine is failing, Zeta Prime.  Where are your boasts now?]

S: Yeah, in the original G1 cartoon, but yeah IDW, he’s definitely an asshole.

[Zeta Prime: The battle is far from over, Decepticon!  Prepare for destruction!]

O: All the Primes in IDW were assholes, even Prime!  Er, or even Optimus.

S: Yeah.  Yeah.

C: Yikes.

[Zeta Prime: Stay off the glowing floors if you wish to live!]

Zeta Prime begins bringing down pillars 2 at a time, effectively moving to cover the entire room.  Megatron transforms into vehicle mode and manages to stay ahead of the glowing floors.

C: Also, rewind- did Breakdown say, “You are such a nerd Soundwave”?

O: Yes.

[Zeta Prime lifts all the pillars and generates a bunch more clones for the party to fight.  Explosions continue to rock the room.

Zeta Prime: I can easily create more energon clones!  You WILL be destroyed!]

C: He’s lucky it's not the Soundwave from Prime.

O: Well, I mean it is, technically.

C: OH GOSH, right.

S: Technically, yes.  Except he gets a very heavy-duty makeover before Prime.

O: Well- well, I think the- the sort of running implication is that he got very heavily damaged at some point before the start of Prime.

S: Well, it counts as a heavy-duty makeover.

[The party continues to fight clones while also dodging the various pillars that Zeta Prime keeps slamming into the floor.  White electricity is briefly visible on the floor while the explosions continue.

Soundwave: The Energon composition of these clones is remarkable.

Breakdown: You can be a SUCH a nerd, Soundwave!

C: Then he scanned a what, a stealth drone?

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah.

O: I still think if you’re gonna give him a vehicle mode, I think that’s a really good vehicle mode for Soundwave.

[Breakdown: Shoot the big glowy thing!  SHOOT IT!!

The machine core opens up again and the party fires.]

C: [laughs]

O: Thanks, Breakdown.

S: Ahhh…

O: Thanks, baby.  You’re tryin’, baby.

S:  That’s- that’s super helpful.

C: Hashtag, “shoot the glowy thing.”

[Zeta Prime: No!  Systems failing… this cannot be!

Zeta appears to make a last ditch effort to drop all the pillars but is foiled by a cinematic.]

O: Oh, yes it can!

C: He’s like, “No!  How could you kill me while I sat here in my bubble!?”

O & S: [laugh]

O: “Not so tough now, are ya?”

[Zeta Prime’s barrier has dissipated, he stands on his platform while metal from his machine rains down around him.  He falls, partially trapped under some debris.  Megatron walks over and picks him up with one hand so they’re mostly facing each other eye to eye.

Zeta Prime: Finish it!

Megatron pushes his fist into Zeta Prime’s chest, causing him to drop the Omega key.]

C: Woah!

O: You were saying?  I’ll take that key, and your spark, and I’m done.

[Zeta Prime: [screams]

Megatron: The Omega Key is mine!  The Core of Cybertron is mine!

Megatron catches the key and slams Zeta Prime back onto the ground.  The camera zooms in on the key in Megatron’s hand as a single light in the middle begins blinking red.]

C:  Eh- eh?

S: I think there’s going to be some boom.

[Zeta Prime is lying on the ground, twitching.

Zeta Prime: [laughs] Your spies were misinformed, Megatron.  That device only activates the key to the core.  But don’t worry, the Omega Key will come to you.]

C: You can still talk!?

[The screen cuts to a different cinematic that pans over the face of a huge Autobot as his optics come online.

Omega Supreme: Omega: Activated.  Power: Optimal.]

C: Oh, snap!

[More shots of Omega Supreme’s systems coming online as his Autobot badge is prominently displayed.

Omega Supreme: Mission: Destroy Megatron.

In the final shot, Omega Supreme is his vehicle mode, which is a large aircraft, and he takes to the air.]

S: Well, they've definitely got he has speech pattern right.

O: Yup, and he a big boi.

S: Yes, he is.

O: [laughs] Thanks for watching guys, hopefully, that's still fun even though there's not you know, three of us idiots running around.  There is only but one idiot running around.  Uh, and um, again, I’m sad I can’t play as Soundwave, but join us next time for chapter 4, Death of Hope.

S: Nice.

O: I’m Owls.

S: I’m Specs.

C: I’m Chezni.

O: Have a good day!

[Outro Music]