#domestic violence ?

[support]

Everything ok?

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, please contact:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Trained advocates are available 24/7 to take your call.

For international resources, please try IASP.

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[killjoyfem]

Blake Lively is currently suing Justin Baldoni for sexually harassing her during the making of “It Ends With Us”, and the response to it is already deeply disappointing, to say the least.

Congratulations to everyone who keeps falling for misogynistic smear campaigns against women and going to battle to defend the abusive men orchestrating them. It is always “believe victims” until it’s a woman you dislike.

[froody]

Imagine you hired an obscenely drunk Union soldier in a saloon to kill your husband. He manages to accomplish the deed by removing the bullets from your husband’s gun through a sleight of hand trick before challenging him to a duel. This is somewhat impressive but what is more impressive is his strong work ethic, ingenuity, Irish accent, subtle chivalry and big brown eyes. You marry him and move onto the 15 acres of semi-arid land on the edge of the Chihuahuan Desert he stubbornly wants to farm. He wants to name your firstborn daughter after his cavalry horse in the Civil War and your firstborn son after his commanding officer. He calls you widow woman as a term of endearment. He’s a good shot, he’s a good cattleman, a great husband and a subpar father. But what else can you ask from a man who lost his entire family in the Famine and came to this country alone at the age of 14?

Imagine you are a former Union soldier. You are 22 years old. You were only 19 when you enlisted, an Irish immigrant who worked in a livery stable in Cleveland until the outbreak of the war. You fought valiantly. You survived. In lieu of wages, you accepted a parcel of land in New Mexico territory. You’ve never had anything that was truly your own. Except for, perhaps, your horse. You arrive in New Mexico for the first time in your uniform, your horse goes lame the second you step onto your parcel, it’s so dry and rocky and red and you do not think it’s arable. You have to put down your horse. She dies with her head in your lap and you cry so hard you think you’ll die with her. When you’re done giving her a wake, knowing you have no ability to bury her, you begin walking in the direction of Las Cruces. Maybe you can sell this cursed land. Maybe you can get a job. First, a toast to Lula, the mare, the closest thing to family you have had in this country.

You’re seeing double by the time a little woman with an appraising expression approaches you. She is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, perhaps even better in double. A little older than you. Long, dark wavy hair that cascades over her shoulders, a perfect round face, a warm brown complexion and the most troubled eyes you have ever seen on a woman. What is most miraculous is that she wants to talk to you. You, drunk, sunburnt, covered in dust, the blood of your horse soaked into your pant leg. She motions to your pistol. She says she will pay you to do a job, pay you handsomely, enough to buy another horse. She says her husband is rich, he enticed her away from her family when she was very young, he holds her captive in his hacienda, he hurts her. He must be killed so that she can return to her sisters and live without fear. You will do it, you must do it. You do not care how much of the story is factual. You do not care if she intends to have the sheriff string you up after the deed is done. You do not care if she cannot pay the money she promised. You would do anything to remove the sorrow from her eyes. You kill her husband and sleep fine afterwards.

You do not buy that horse. You stay in the hacienda while she is out selling the bits and pieces of her husband’s life. You meet her sisters when they come, you help her pack away the pieces of her life so that she may start anew. You tell her of your own plans to start anew, of the patch of rocky soil that is your own. She tells you she grew up on land like that, tells you that it has always been her dream to work it. When her sisters leave for the mountains, she leaves with you.

[alwaysbewoke]

[mallloryrowinski]

If you believe a woman reaching her breaking point and fighting back against her abuser is somehow proof of them 'both being abusive', I wish you the absolute worst.

[vague-humanoid]

[reasonsforhope]

Legal protection against domestic violence has become widespread

"This chart shows the share of the global population living in countries that criminally sanction domestic violence or provide protection against it. The data comes from the World Bank’s Women, Business and the Law project.

Throughout the decades, the legislation on domestic violence has increased markedly. Until the 1990s, less than 1% of the global population in countries was legally protected from it, with only Canada, Sweden, and Ireland providing such safeguards. And as recently as 20 years ago, 80% of people lived in countries without legal penalties for domestic violence.

But by 2023, this had more than reversed, and 9 in 10 people lived in countries with legal measures to combat domestic violence. This shift highlights an increased recognition around the world that domestic violence is common, especially against women."

-via Our World in Data, September 19, 2024

--

Note: This really puts in perspective just how much and how quickly attitudes on domestic and gendered violence are changing. Look at that graph! Look at it!!

Thirty years ago, there was only a single country in the entire world that thought hitting your spouse should be a crime, and had acted on that. (It was Ireland, go Ireland.) That is a world of difference from where we are now.

[newsfromstolenland]

In one private chat group conversation, a Mountie was accused of saying a new female employee "was overweight and insinuating that the shape of her vagina was visible through her clothing."

In another, a second RCMP officer allegedly bragged about "Tasering unarmed Black people" and called a sexual assault investigation "stupid" — drawing comments from other members of the online group who "made fun of the victim" and said, "she's a dumb Mexican c--t."

An investigator with the RCMP's professional standards unit detailed those allegations and many more in a search warrant sworn to obtain evidence now being used to call for the firing of three Coquitlam Mounties for violating the force's code of conduct.

The CBC has obtained a copy of the search warrant — which recounts behaviour which led the officer who sparked the investigation to complain to RCMP brass about what he saw as "atrocious" and "racist and horrible" activity in a private group operating on the Signal messaging app.

Full article

Tagging: @allthecanadianpolitics

More from this article below the cut, because I think it's important to understand just how much fucked up shit they were saying:

(tw misogyny, domestic violence, racial profiling, anti-Indigenous racism, racism)

The documents reveal that investigators also reviewed 600,000 messages posted to the RCMP's internal mobile data chat logs — finding evidence of "frequently offensive" usage by the three officers facing termination of "homophobic and racist slurs."

"The reviewers had identified a variety of comments that were 'chauvinist in nature, with a strong air of superiority, and include flippant or insulting remarks about clients (including objectifying women), supervisors, colleagues, policy and the RCMP as a whole,'" the warrant says.

Code of conduct hearings against Const. Philip Dick, Const. Ian Solven and Const. Mersad Mesbah had been slated to begin in Surrey this week but have been adjourned until March of next year. All three officers have been suspended since June 2021.

Although Dick, Solven and Mesbah appear to be the only Mounties currently facing code-of-conduct hearings, the court documents say seven other officers were also part of the private chat group — including two supervisors.

Among the details contained in the search warrant are allegations one of the officers facing discipline joked about a domestic violence victim, calling the victim "a dumb f--king bitch, should've worn a mouth guard."

The whistleblower — Const. Sam Sodhi — claimed that outside of the private chat group, members of the group also "belittled Indigenous people, talking about how they were 'stupid' or 'drunk' and saying they have 'unfortunate bodies' and all have fetal alcohol syndrome."

"They would say, 'We're not going to the reserve,'" the search warrant claims Sodhi told investigators.

"We're not going there because we're not going to help those people."

According to the court documents, Sodhi was posted to Coquitlam in 2019.

"As part of that process, he wrote a letter about wanting to work in an urban centre and help at-risk youth that didn't have role models," the warrant claims.

But Sodhi claimed that on his second day at work, Dick — his trainer — asked him: "Are you a cool brown guy, or are you a Surrey brown guy? Because in that letter, you're whiny, like, 'Ooh, I want to help brown people.'"

Sodhi claimed there were two chat groups for members of the Coquitlam detachment assigned to Port Coquitlam — one for all members of the watch and a second private group that began on WhatsApp but then moved to Signal. He said he was told once he was "worthy" of the private chat group, "we'll add you to it."

The officer claimed he was admitted to the private chat group in March 2021 but left after a few days because of the "constant negativity." He said he was then accused of "not being a team member" and encouraged to return.

According to the search warrant, Sodhi complained to his superiors in May 2021, and a chief superintendent mandated an investigation into five Mounties — including a corporal who was accused of failing to take measures to prevent misconduct.

The probe initially focused on text communications between the RCMP's own laptops — known as Mobile Data Terminals. Investigators reviewed messages between the five men from January 2019 until May 2021.

"When members of the [Signal] chat group realized there was an investigation, they opined that the investigation was probably about 'MDT chats' ... since the private chat group was kept 'amongst the trusted' and 'there's no way this got out,'" the warrant says.

Examples cited from the RCMP computers include statements like, "Why do brown guys have unusually high pitched voices." "As an idiot woman would say ... 'toxic,'" and, "I just racially profile pulled over a car."

A review of the chat logs also allegedly found the three officers facing termination "appeared to use 'goldfish' as a slur for Asian people."

"For example, they talked about how 'goldfish' have 'bulging eyes' that 'can't see anything,' how a Korean church in the detachment was a 'goldfish church' and how 'goldfish' were bad drivers (a common Asian stereotype)," the warrant says.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Bernadette Allen

Published Nov 10, 2024

Around 30 women gathered in Belfast on Saturday to highlight concerns about a lack of support for male victims of domestic violence.

The march was made up of women wearing fluorescent pink and included relatives of men who have been the victims.

The twin daughters of west Belfast man Tony Browne, who was murdered by his girlfriend in 2022, were among those who attended.

Bobbi-Leigh and Shannon McIlwaine say there “isn’t enough support services for men” who are going through domestic abuse relationships.

'Extremely hard for a man to come forward'

Mr Browne, 54, was at his home when he was stabbed to death by Wiktoria Maksymowicz.

Bobbi-Leigh said her dad didn’t tell any of his family members what was happening.

“He told one of his closest friends but made his friend promise not to tell me and my sister because he didn’t want anyone to know,” she added.

The death of her father has had a "huge impact" on her, said Bobbi-Leigh.

"There is not one day I’m not thinking about my dad and what he went through and thinking if it could have been prevented," she said.

“It’s extremely hard for a man to come forward and say that he is being abused. There is a chance he won’t be believed, he will be laughed at.

“Women coming out today to speak for men, that’s sending a powerful message. It shows we believe them and support them. There needs to be more support from Stormont.”

[ West Belfast man Tony Browne was murdered by his girlfriend Wiktoria Maksymowicz in 2022 ]

The march was facilitated by the Men’s Alliance NI who are calling for a men’s refuge in Northern Ireland and more support from Stormont.

In a statement, Stormont ministers said they have made it clear that domestic and sexual abuse transcends boundaries of gender, age, sexual orientation, and ethnicity.

They have stressed their commitment to creating a society in Northern Ireland where domestic and sexual abuse are not tolerated, and where victims receive the support they need and where those responsible are held to account.

The Department of Health also said it provides funding for a 24-hour Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline, which is a confidential, freephone service available to any person impacted by domestic and sexual abuse in NI.

[ Around 30 women gathered in Belfast calling for more support ]

Shannon feels a men’s refuge is needed.

“If my dad had have been able to go somewhere it may have given him the courage to leave,” she said.

“It’s important that people come out today and show their support because domestic abuse isn’t a gendered issue and it needs to stop being stigmatised as a gendered issue.”

'Nowhere to go'

Carey Baxter from Men’s Alliance says domestic violence is a societal issue.

“Today is a women’s only march and women are doing this on behalf of men.

��We speak to men who are living in their cars or sofa surfing because they have nowhere to go."

Mr Baxter said there is a huge gap in funding and services for men.

“It’s not about taking services away from women, it’s about finding something extra for the men because those services are needed and we hear it every single day of the week in our support groups, but there is nothing there for them.”

[froody]

There is this story from my hometown where a woman brutally murdered her husband after he came home from the grocery store with the wrong kind of beans for the chili she had been planning to make. Apparently when the cops arrived, that was the only reason she gave for murdering him. It was sensationalized in the papers and the narrative was like “Wow! This crazy bitch stabbed her husband to death all because he brought home the wrong kind of beans!” and it was so ridiculous and sensational that it was one of the biggest news stories my hometown had experienced in years.

Trial rolls around and it turns out he had been abusing and controlling her for years. Domestic violence call after domestic violence call. He’d been essentially torturing her for years and nobody had been doing a damn thing.

This poor woman was in the kitchen of the single wide trailer she shared with him (he was a convicted felon (violent offense) and refused to work so she was the sole breadwinner and did the domestic labor) having one simple request for him and sending him on this errand (he didn’t letting her to leave the house) and he returns with the wrong beans for the dinner she is making for him. She politely tells him he brought the wrong beans (I think they were dried (cheaper but take hours to prepare)) for dinner. And he goes off on her. And a switch flips in her and she grabs the kitchen knife from the counter and stabs him to death on the kitchen floor. And the cops come and she tells them she stabbed him over beans. Not because she had been essentially held captive for years, not because she was afraid for her life after he had been physically abusive to her, but because beans were the only thing she could think about.

She was so broken in that moment and everyone mocked her at her lowest. This crime could have been prevented. Not by her showing self restraint, not by him buying the right beans but by anyone getting her out of that fucking situation in the years prior. I’m from a rural area. There are no nearby shelters or available support groups. Somebody would have had to help her. But nobody did.

[queerautism]

Finally, there is growing evidence that a significant number of men also silently suffer domestic violence. A male client once told me that no matter how much his wife assaulted him, he couldn't stop himself from saying "I'm sorry" to her. This only made her madder, but not as mad as when he flashbacked into saying: "I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry' ", even though his wife would slap him in the face every time he did.

Not surprisingly, further investigation revealed a borderline mother who still slaps him in the face when she is displeased with him. As a child he was required to keep his hands down whenever she slapped him. He then had to apologize for making her "have to" punish him. Unfortunately, he left therapy after only a few sessions because his wife looked in his checkbook, and then hit him repeatedly for "wasting his time and her money.'

It's frustrating to be reading this book and feeling happy that it's addressing abuse against men, then immediately annoyed once more by the repeated use of 'borderline' and other anti-PD ableist terminology when it could have just as easily (and more accurately) said 'abusive mother'.

Therapists need to be less comfortable assigning diagnostic labels to people who aren't even their patients honestly. Focus on the actual reported behaviour, which is clearly abusive? That's literally all that matters.

[odinsblog]

🗣️ If it’s considered ‘unacceptable behavior’ or leads to ‘immediate termination’ in your job’s employee handbook, then it’s probably DV

[gatheringbones]

[“Girls are frequently arrested for trying to protect themselves from or fighting back against abusive parents. When police confronted Diana after a fight with her mother, Diana said, “I was like: ‘What the fuck, like look at my face she beat me up.’ They are like: ‘She called the cops on you, so you are at fault ’cause if she beat you up why didn’t you call the cops on her?’ Dude I don’t want to get my mom in trouble plus anyways it’s my word against her and although I am the one looking all torn up.”

Girls are also arrested because it is easier to remove one child from the home than to arrest a parent and find shelter for the children. As a probation officer explained,

Say the police respond to a case of domestic violence. You have a 3-year-old girl, a 16-year-old girl, and the mother fighting. Say the mother grabbed that girl and started pounding her face into cement. They’re not going to take Mom to jail when there is a 3-year-old daughter there. But they need to separate the two of them. So a lot of times it really is the parent’s fault but the kid gets hauled away.

Although few of these cases ultimately result in detention (often because the violence is minor), law professor Francine Sherman has noted that girls are “traumatized by arrest, handcuffing, and in some case shackling, routine strip searches upon entry into detention, and the perception that she is being blamed for what is a family problem.”

Dating violence also brings young people into the juvenile system. About 16 percent of girls and 8 percent of boys experience physical or sexual dating violence; 22 percent of LGB young adults report dating violence. Being subjected to intimate partner violence makes young people more vulnerable to juvenile system involvement. Girls are more likely to commit nonviolent delinquent acts (like running away) when experiencing intimate partner violence. Young people also become involved with the system because of their own violence. Girls use violence with partners to express anger and jealousy at a partner’s infidelity, protest a partner’s “emotional detachment,” or get a partner’s attention.

While some studies suggest that young men and women use violence in relationships at similar rates, those studies fail to account for the type, amount, impact, and reason for the violence. Girls’ violence is generally less serious and causes less injury. Girls reportedly slap and pinch their partners most often, while boys are more likely to punch or sexually assault partners. Moreover, studies of heterosexual couples find that boys do not experience girls’ violence as frightening or controlling. Half of boys report laughing at their female partners when they use violence. One-third ignored their partners when they were violent. Girls are also more likely to use violence defensively, fighting back against their partners. Mandatory and preferred arrest laws that cover dating relationships have been linked to increased arrests of girls for dating violence, with Black girls most likely to be arrested.”]

leigh goodmark, from imperfect victims: criminalized survivors and the promises of abolition feminism, 2023

[eve-was-framed]

Rest in Peace to 11 year old Jayden Perkins, who was stabbed to death while protecting his pregnant mother from a former boyfriend who had just gotten off parole. Jayden loved dancing and theater, and had a lead role in several school plays.

His mother was attacked as well but is fortunately expected to survive.

[balkanradfem]

I don't get to talk about feminism in real life, because it's not an accepted topic here, it's an 'evil harpy movement' still, despite it getting women the right to vote, own property, own a bank account, be able to be paid for work. The consenus is that normal women don't need to be feminists, we already have the right to vote so what more could we possibly want. I do get to talk with young women about it! When I have some teenagers or young adult women in my life, I am telling them all about it, showing them all the violence statistics, instructing them on all possible methods of abortion, and they are genuinely stunned to gain this information they've never had access to before.

But yesterday, I was at plant lady's house, and I breached the topic of feminism, because I had just entered a feminist book club, and joined a little group of croatian radfems, so I was all up in my ideas about it. And I love the plant lady, she's a beloved figure in my life, but she is both against feminism, and a huge fan of conspiracy theories. So when I started talking about feminism, she interrupted me to tell me that she heard that women, are not in fact, responsible for feminism, but it's actually males in power that are pulling the strings. I explained that we don't even allow m*n to participate in what we do, but she was sure she's right, because, males in power thought it would be cool for women to have jobs and pay taxes, so they invented feminism, to collect more taxes and have more workers. And I knew I couldn't argue her about it because conspiracy theories exist to null every argument against them, right, no matter what I say, she'll have a more incredible explanation. So instead I changed the topic to the problems of sexual violence against women, domestic violence, normalization of pedophilia, and treatment of women like objects due to rampant pornography.

And she's like, no, that doesn't happen, most people are normal and have normal marriages and treat women normally, and these problems, are not the problems of 'feminism', these are things everyone is against – and I say no they're not, m*n don't care, they don't fight against any of it, in fact they're the perpetrators of 90% of these crimes. Then she launches into a story of an abused woman who refused to leave her husband because she loved him. I explain to her that this is incredibly common and it's called 'cycle of abuse', and we can resolve this by teaching women very early on about this cylce, that it can easily happen to them no matter what kind of husband they choose, and to recognize the signs early, before it comes to worst, and for women who are going trough it, they need all this euducation too. What is happening currently is nobody is talking about it and we pretend it doesn't exist and then victim-blame women when they get abused. Most abused women don't even recognize they're being abused because they're being isolated and told it's their own fault. Then she launched into another story about a woman who she knows was battered who escaped. Then she mentioned another situation she knew with a violent husband, and another with a drunk one. And I'm listening to her like. Hey. You said this doesn't even happen, that it's incredibly rare, but you personally know this many cases? And you know me, I've been living in violence too, remember?

And she just looks at me. Realizing for a second that it's not that rare. She didn't argue with me. She previously really thought about each and every case she knew as an outlier, something so improbable and rare that it wasn't really a social problem. She told me then, that we can't really help these people, because police only makes it worse, so what do we even do. I told her it's important that we talk about it, that we offer resources and teach women early on to recognize abuse, and to make a point of not blaming women for it, to make it clear any male could do it to them at any point, to be ready for it, to reconsider marrying, to have a separate bank account, to never let their survival and housing be completely dependant on a male.

I also indulged her to think why women can find themselves in these situations in the first place? If we're so equal, how come it's possible women don't have anywhere to go to, and need to stay in the abusers house to just survive. I said it has something to do with parents usually leaving their houses and properties to sons, and expecting daughters to move into their husbands places, and she again said 'no this doesn't happen', and I went 'well why don't these abused women just move into their own houses they inherited from their parents' and she again, had no arguments. It's not the sole reason though, women earn less too, get less promotions, get paid less for the same job, still mostly do unpaid labour, dedicate a big part of their life to raising children on their own, they don't get to accumulate funds and properties in the same ways m*n do.

Anyway, while we were having this entire conversation, her 18yo daughter was there, listening to us, and miraculously, she seemed to agree with me! When the plant lady claimed 'there's so many normal ones out there', the daughter interrupted to say 'no mom, there's no normal m*n out there, I can't find anyone normal', and I immediately supported her claim with agreement. I was so happy to be a little feminist influence on her and to validate her point! She was also wearing a shirt that said 'grl pwr' and I was like 'yes this is great' even though it's just a liberal catchphrase, it's still a sign of wanting women to have power in the world that doesn't believe a word they say.

I think the type of attitude the plant lady has is extremely common for women in our country, in fact she was very receptive to what I was saying. She knew about this many cases of domestic abuse, because she was often the safe person for these women to tell, and she has been helping the ones who escaped, me included.

Most women I know will launch in defense of males and trashing of women as soon as you mention feminism, because it's the only socially accepted thing to do. I believe we all have women in our lives who are not malicious or terribly ignorant, but affected by the mainstream beliefs that women are asking for too much, already have everything, and are at fault for everything that happens to them; this is incredibly pervasive and impossible to debate in a conversation. It's so ingrained in women to go against anything that makes m*n look bad, it's almost considered a sin and a hate crime to even think this way. Like something a bad, selfish, bitter, irrational and greedy woman would do, and nobody wants to be dubbed that. I remember thinking this way myself when I was a teen; I wanted to hold males responsible so bad, but the shame of being seen as this hateful and bitter person was getting to me, to the point where I would silent down and not speak out.

I used to get so angry at anti feminists, and would avoid indulging with the topic because it would irritate me so much, but I've gained more understanding as I go on, and can now tolerate the opposing arguments when I know they've come from propaganda and social pressure, rather than ignorance or hunger for approval. I'm more effective being able to indulge a little! Not a lot though. If I spent a lot of my time trying to argue with anti-feminists I would in fact, wither and die.