#doesnt stop it from being true mother fucker.

[beemers-hell]

i desperately wanna apologize to you but you would call bullshit and paint me like something evil bitch when in reality, i want the cycle of abuse to end and to ease my mind. i just wanna redeem myself before ending it all.

- you already know who

to everyone else sorry about this, but I've had enough, anyway i was just gonna delete this, just like i deleted the TWO suicide notes you sent me in my ask box a lil bit ago, but a number of my friends DM'd me about what you've been posting on your blog so I can only assume this all came from Nene, also known as @/shugurrsn0w , and for anyone who doesnt know Nene is, well this callout thread will get you acclimated with her REAL quick lmfao:

You are not fucking apologetic at all if you are using s0uless' full REAL name on your blog, you stupid bitch. That kind of information can put them at risk of REAL GENUINE HARM. S0uless made the mistake of using their name as their art handle when they were younger but they have been doing a pretty extensive wipe of that username being online, I know this isn't exactly doxxing because of that but USING IT WHEN THEY'RE CLEARLY NOT WANTING IT TO BE PUBLIC INFORMATION IS SOME PRETTY SCUMMY SHIT, AND CAN BE USED FOR ACTUAL REAL HARM BEING DONE TO HIM YOU JACKASS

Don't come in my ask box hiding behind anonymous acting like you actually feel bad for the shit you did when you are STILL making posts calling me and my husband fucking freaks when you know DAMN WELL we're not. Don't you dare try and act all remorseful and pitiful and like you're some misunderstood fallen angel when you've been doing but helping making our lives a fucking nightmare. You don't get to act like you've done nothing wrong when you have CONSISENTLY VICTIM BLAMED THEM, CLAIMED THEIR TRAUMA WAS FAKE, BEEN RACIST TO ME, MOCKED MY ABUELAS RECENT DEATH, THREATENED HARM ON BOTH OF US, HARASSED AND STALKED US, AND SPREAD ALL THIS INSANE SHIT ABOUT US FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. You don't get to just act like you made some petty mistakes that you can walk off, you have been non stop harassing, stalking, and falsely accusing me and s0uless of being scum of the fucking earth when there is no goddamn evidence that we are and you KNOW there isn't, because we fucking ARENT. Unlike your freak ass, we KNOW what the fuck is right and what is wrong. But that kind of shit gets around to people and makes people start thinking we ARE those freaks that we aren't.

And you should be well aware of how fucking awful that makes a mother fucker feel, you know? Since you wanna keep whining about how "people keep being mean/demonizing you for no reason." What, you don't think people are gonna DM me asking me what the fuck you're talking about in those posts you make? Newsflash dipshit, most people wanna know both party's stories regarding drama that surrounds someone they know. Don't you try to twist this and cry about how I'm some creepy weirdo that's stalking you, you should've thought harder about following someone and then IMMEDIATELY sending them an anonymous ask about me and s0uless, cause that DEFINETLY isn't fucking fishy at all, dumbass. That's how I was alerted to you and your new bullshit. Don't try and act like I'm a freak that keeps tabs on you, I thought you'd drop off the face of the earth after that one callout thread got made on you. You wanna talk about evidence of wrongdoing? Nothing really shows your true colors more than publicly being racist, harassing minors, and consistently AND RECENTLY consuming bestiality porn of minors. Try bouncing back from saying that YOU want to make noncon porn of your favs, or being a whole ass adult saying you wanna fuck a 16 year old character that you KNOW is 16. THATS some REAL freak shit that YOU admitted to your damn self, you don't get to act like me or s0uless are the real freaks when there is REAL AND RECENT EVIDENCE of you doing that shit, you gross fuck.

Leave us the fuck alone, I do not care about your pathetic ass and s0uless sure as shit doesn't either. This has been going on for over a FUCKING YEAR NOW and i dont give a single SHIT about playing nice and being quiet about it anymore. Don't fucking come whining to me and acting like you're remorseful again when you're PULLING THIS SHIT AGAIN. Leave me the fuck alone and I'll leave you the fuck alone. Expect a restraining order dumbass, it was real easy to get your info when you've got it so readily available online! If youre gonna play stupid games, expect to win stupid prizes. Get the fuck off my and my husband's dick and focus on fixing yourself you ghoul. Do some fucking introspection so you can figure out why the fuck people don't like you. And don't come to me threatening suicide again, I don't give a single SHIT about you and I'm sure as FUCK not going to give you any sympathy when you've shown no fucking growth or genuine remorse for all of this. I've thought about killing myself a lot lately too, you're not fucking special.

[woomycritiques543]

TW: Long post, many caps, mentions of threats of violence and suicide.

As a sort of a "part 2" to my last post, I just wanted to get this out there... but I dont think that this is going to do much...

But it's worth a shot :(

The Vivziepop and her "favorites" at Spindlehorse have now verbally harassed people, spread bad faith to make people who critique a literal cartoon look bad. -and, as ive just noticed: have even threatened violence. I dont care what people throw at me for saying this-

VIVIENNE MEDRANO AND HER HEAD STAFF NEED TO STOP BULLYING THEIR OWN FANDOM! IT'S GETTING OUT OF HAND AND IS ACTUALLY HURTING PEOPLE!!!! THEY LITERALLY THREATENED TO HIT PEOPLE FOR SAYING THAT WHAT VIVIENNE IS DOING IS WRONG, SPREAD SLANDER ABOUT WHAT "*IS*" WORKER MISTREATMENT TO DENY WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND ARE ACTUALLY HARASSING PEOPLE! I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW "CUTE!" THEY TRIED TO MAKE THEIR THREATS TOWARDS THE EX SPINDLE ARTISTS LOOK TO GET PASSED TWITTER'S GUIDELINES- NONE OF THIS IS OK! BULLYING IS NEVER OK!

PEOPLE CRITIQUEING A CARTOON AREN'T THE PROBLEM- PEOPLE WHO HARASS OTHERS OVER IT ARE! THESE LITERAL CARTOON CHARACTERS ARE NOT FUCKING REAL! LET US HAVE OUR SAY AND LEAVE US ALONE!

STOP LETTING THIS SHIT HAPPEN! There is no "good type" of harassment and telling people that "its ok to harass someone just because you find them to be bad faith." is never ok! Telling someone that "you're not a writer if you dont like me!" or "you're a glass jawed mother fucker!" or "im going to get in an actual fist fight with you!" isnt just disagreeing- this is BULLYING! Krystal, the one who called the mistreatment and people "NEVER!" sleeping until late in the morning as a "humble" experince just because she worships Vivienne and even threatened to also hurt people!

I dont give a shit about what's "normal in the industry!" OVERWORKING PEOPLE INTO SLEEP DEPRAVATION AND CONSTANT STRESS IS NEVER OK AND NEITHER IS THREATENING TO HIT SOMEONE FOR SPEAKING OUT!

There is also someone followed by the creator of Lackadaisy, a creator who also follows Vivienne Medrano. -and im not sure if Tracy knows about how Vivienne is treating people, but good lord would it be horrific is she already did. I fucking hate how corperate the indie animation community is becoming. INDUSTRY "STANDARDS!" are literal mistreatment, people have been fighting those "standards" for years such as with #NewDeal4Animation and to say that a worker being treated like trash is "ok" just because you also working in the field also somehow means that your word is always "true" then you're are sick in the head and have no actual heart for the literal torture animators have even died from within the industry. -and then again with the "they're just angry which makes them a bad person!" bullshit, toxic positivity exists, there is such a thing as being "too positive" about something. Erin might have gotten some leeaway for HAVING A MENTAL DISORDER! -but that doesnt make all the mistreatment from all the rushed projects go away! It's a indie studio, that clearly isnt Disney level, doing 5+ episodes in a year- how the fuck is this even "normal!" for industry standards even if you talk about what Vivziepop actually did with Helluva Boss?! -and the way this person suggested that Erin was basically "lazy" for asking for more time since they were being rushed isn't just a horrible way to treat artists, but in full context, is ableist as all hell!

-and even then: With full context- What about the other artists working at Spindlehorse?! What about how they were treated?!

Hell, Erin didn't even get leeaway from their day to night job that they had to work under, meanwhile, Vivienne is able to afford to live in LA, vacations and all, while having her workers be overworked to give both her and her projects more money. Honestly- has the indie art community lost their fucking minds?! What the fuck happened to NOT being capitalistic about animation?! Why are we now encouraging this just because we're the "big dogs" now? "IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY FREIND'S BEHAVIOR- IM GONNA BEAT YOU! IM GOING TO PULL YOU INTO THE STREET AND BEAT YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID!" NIGGA WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SAYS THIS?! -and who in their right mind, says that people are "slandering" or spreading "unbridled emotion" WHILE THREATENING TO TO FIGHT SOMEONE IN THE STREET!? 99% of it wasn't even a joke besides that one gif, Monica specifically said "LETS GET INTO AN ACTUAL FIST FIGHT!" on a serious post, who in their right mind talks like this in public?!

Monica and Krystal threatened TO HURT SOMEONE while "unbridled emotion! >:(" to Vicko is just "This person is bad."

Wow... I dont even know to how to describe how nonsensical this level of bootlicking this is.

At this point, Vick's is just eating the whole damn shoe!

Hell- Erin was mistreated so horribly, even with the slight leeaway, that they lost the will to create for an entire year due to mass burn out from mistreatment- and this is how you treat them?! Especially in an industry, where animators are now dying because of these so called "industry standards" taking over animation causing them to be worked into literal exasusation similar to what Krystal had described with how Spindlehorse "does not sleep"?! You actually think that this is all a "good thing!" for indie animation to become?! Does someone have to actually end up dying from how much they "don't sleep" and how many episodes they have to rush out to meet all your selfish demands while working day and night, in a constant state of stress, for you to realize how fucking bad this is?!

Because doing this shit has been known to KILL PEOPLE!

Rushing projects to the pont of making your artists overwork themselves into constant sleep depravation and stress can literally kill someone! -and if people dont stop encouraging this kind of karoshi-level work "ethics" in even the indie animation industry- the chances of someone actually dying if Spindlehorse's work patterns continue to spread towards other studios is much higher than you think! Overworking to the point of sleep depravation is something that has been known to actually kill people in the animation industry! So what Vicko is describing as "normal" has a high chance of actually causing someone to end up dying of mass stress and sleep depravation! If Vivienne doesn't stop doing this, there is a high chance that if this gets any worse that someone will end up actually dying in her studio. We are getting not just 4+ episodes in only two seasons, but most likely even more, while Spindlehorse is still being overworked to the bone so they can come out this fast. It's gotten that bad. Animation isn't easy, and by fact, overworking people to this extent has a high chance of killing them due to high amounts of stress and constantly being sleep deprived.

THIS BEHAVIOR COULD END UP ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE IF PEOPLE DONT STOP SUPPORTING OVERWORKING AND SLEEP DEPRAVATION IN THE ANIMATION INDUSTRY!

By stating this, Vick is implying that it's "normal" for people to be bullied, to be encouraged to mock other people's work in a bad faith way, to have an all nighter at Star Bucks despite literally working in a show that makes millions a month, that doing multiple episodes a year on a non-Disney team, and that being exploited for your work is "normal" for the industry. Because if you're one of the fans who actually GAVE A SHIT and read Erin Frost, Cas, and Squidder's whole receipts- that's exactly what they said what was happening! Bullying, mocking other projects (wow Viv... very not hypocritical of you to actually bully other projects but hate criticism...), and overall bad faith behavior that these people refused to acknowledge, let alone quote anything from thier posts since if they did, these people would have realized that they were spreading misinformation in a heartbeat!

So it wasn't even just "Vivziepop is a awful person" it was IN DEPTH descriptions, and later on, was visual evidence, screenshots, that they were bullied into sending for bait, and then bullied FOR sending by using the NDAS to get them "cancelled". -and even at the time, they had actual descriptions, and these people just slandered them and made claims about what "is and isnt mistreatment" without mentioning anything that actually happened from within the studio, so all of these "innocent till proven guilty unless you like Vivziepop" bullshit didn't even make sense back then either!

"Normal for industry standards!" ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Being overworked and sleep deprived, possibly to near death to the point of not having the ability to draw anymore, and to be bullied in your own studio is "normal" work conditions to you Vick?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

If this is the "grand future of indie animation" then im sorry but with all of this capitalistic, mistreating, "monopolize, capitalize" bullshit I think it's safe to say that the indie animation industry is doomed to become like corperations and is therefore- fucked!

It's so fucking disgusting how these people claim that the ex workers were just "mad for being fired!" (slander) and that they had "no" proof despite what they were saying being actual descriptions of what happened while their statements were just "You're lying Viv is innocent!" and "I WILL FIGHT YOU!" but when proof was provided, they let their fandom bully them into locking their twitters as a way to silence them, went on to lie about everything being "under control and improving" but then announcing that 5+ episodes were being made this year- again! Further taking advantage of their workers by sucking every bit of creativity out of them as they can, and people saying nothing about it just because they want clout off of Viv and to bootlick her as much as humanly possible to do so.

They left someone unpaid for AN ENTIRE YEAR after telling them to do an art commision for an audition that they promised to pay them for. So if you still think that this is "normal industry standards!" after all this you are OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND! You're out of your fucking mind- for even thinking for a second that an artist should go without pay for their work. Artists deserve pay, all of them!

These people claim that cancel culture is "wrong" and that they dislike slander, but then will pull shit like "YOU'RE A GLASS JAWED MOTHER FUCKER!" to slander anyone who said that what Viv did was wrong, Vivienne slandering these people by saying that we're "NOT A WRITER!" for critiqueing her show in particular, and "I WILL FIGHT YOU IN THE STREET!" for saying that Vivienne needs to get her act together. This isnt mentally sound behavior, this shit has gone too far and the fact that someone could end up dying because of Vivenne's strive for "perfection" is genuinely terrifying!

WAKE UP!!!!

[squadxx4392]

HARRY POTTER RANDOMNESS EPISODE 2!

Harry: *hitting Draco on the head* I want chicken nuggets and fries and sprite

Draco : *rubbing his head* oW-

Hermione : I want a chocolate milkshake and a large fry

Draco: I want to go home *gets out*

Theo : Wingardium Leviosa; FUCKING HELL

Draco: WHYYYY

Pansy : Because you're never escaping! Now then, I want twenty nuggets with Honey Mustard to dip, a sweet tea, a large fry, and a mcflurry

Ron: Fine leave walk home no one likes you not even Harry shoo shoo

Harry : I will stab you in your sleep, Ronald. We share a room. Draco, istg if you get out this fuckin car-

Draco: *tearing up*

Ginny : Why are you crying-?

Blaise: God damn it Ronald. Look what you did you ginger prick.

Draco: Harry dOesnt Like meee 😢😢

Harry : *Giving Ron a death stare* wait- Love that's not TRUE- RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY ISTG-

Draco: *crying 😢*

Luna : *fed up* EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

Neville: THIS IS WHY WE CANT TAKE YOU ON ROAD TRIPS RONALD!

Draco: *sniffle* *cry cry* *sniffle*

Hermione : Ronald apologize. Right fucking now.

Ron: No he was being a spoiled brat

Blaise : Fine. No McDonald's for you, then

Ron: WELL MAYBE IF HE WASN'T BEING A DEPRESSED SHIT I WOULD APOLOGIZE

Blaise : You really are pushing your McDonald's privileges

Pansy: He hates road trips with lots of people that's why he wants to leave -

Ginny : Nobody's going anywhere, we're leaving after we burn a few houses down. Hurry up and order, we're on a tight schedule here, Blaise!

Blaise: Draco, do you want anything?

Draco: *currently still crying*

Draco : *sniff* I want a large sweet tea and a mcflurry

Draco : *sniff sniff* make it four mcflurry's

Harry: Jesus Ronald, apologize.

Ron : Fine! I'm sorry, Draco!

Draco: *still crying 😢*

Cashier : What the- okay, what are you getting?

Blaise : uh yeah give me *gives all orders bc I'm not typing that shit*

Blaise: Damn and I thought my boyfriend was fat *handing the food to Pansy and Draco*

Ron : I'm not fat! Prude

Blaise: Yeah the way Draco and Pansy eat I shouldn't be calling you fat

Luna : LMAO FUCK YOU RON, GINGER ASS MOTHER FUCKER-

Draco: *cries more* Now I don't feel like eating 😢😢

Hermione : Eat your mcflurrys! Blaise, drive! Get to the first house! Draco gets first burn down!

Blaise: *speeds to the first house*

Draco: *slowly eating mcflurries*

Harry : Here's the gas and here's the matches! Burn it down, babe!

Ron: THIS IS BARBARIC WHY DOES HE GET TO BURN THE FIRST HOUSE

Ginny : BECAUSE WE SAID SO. YOU'RE GOING LAST

Draco: *pours gasoline and lights the house while eating a mcflurry* Fire

Hermione : No no no, you're saying it wrong! It's FIYAHHH not Fire!

Draco: *walks towards it*

Blaise : Wingardium Leviosa; DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!

Harry: He'll be fine, he likes watching closely at the things he burns down

Harry: Reminds me of Bellatrix ngl-

Luna : No he was about to jump in the fire!

Draco: So pretty, I could just touch it

Hermione : *spraying Draco with a water gun* No! Bad ferret!

Draco: *gets really close staring at the flames*

Harry: LEAVE HIM BE HES ADMIRING IT

Draco : *reaches a hand out to touch the fire*

Luna : ACCIO DRACO MALFOY! God damnit, Draco! Don't do that! Get in, I hear the cops coming! BLAISE DRIVE!

Blaise : *starts driving 300 mph*

Draco: *opens the door*

Theo : I WILL STRAP YOU TO THE FUCKING SEAT. CLOSE THAT FUCKING DOOR

Draco: *jumps out*

Harry: DRACO GOD DAMN IT

Hermione : ACCIO DRACO MALFOY!

Draco : *zooms into his seat*

Neville : *ties him down to the seat where he can't move at all*

Harry: Okay was tying him down necessary

Ron: *mumbles* Stop acting like you like him we all know you don't Harry 🙄

Blaise : He's tried to jump out the fucking car SEVERAL TIMES! YES IT WAS NECESSARY!

Seamus : *materializing from thin air* SHUT UP RONALD *disappearing into thin air*

Luna : Did I smoke too much weed- wtf-

Ginny: What in the world-

Hermione : Shit I need to lay off the weed-

Harry: *unties Draco* Be good. Understand.

Draco : *attempts to jump out again*

Harry : NOPE *ties him back down*

Draco : FUCK

Ron: This is why Harry doesn't like you

Dean : *materializing out of thin air* SHUT UP RONALD *disappearing into thin air*

Neville : I am going to fucking kms, istg-

Ginny: Oh it's just Dean and Seamus

Hermione : BUT WHERE THE FUCK HAVE THEY BEEN COMING AND GOING FROM??

Ron: Anyone else want to slap Draco

*Somewhere in Hogwarts*

Minnie : so you're telling me you let the MOST PROBLEMATIC KIDS GO COMMIT ARSON WITH A HIJACKED CAR IN AMERICA??

Severus : Yes

Remus : Absolutely

Sirius : Of course!

Severus: Lucius let's Draco do all sorts of stupid shit mainly burn himself

*Narrator's voice* WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT TIME? WILL MINNIE FORGET ABOUT IT OR WILL SHE GIVE THE RESPONSIBLE PROFESSORS AND THE STUDENTS DETENTION? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HARRY POTTER RANDOMNESS!!

Friend : NEXT EPISODE HOE!!! 😔

Me : AIGHT LET'S GOOO IT'S COMING ON

[mrskurono]

ANON: omg hiii its the high megumi anon here!!!! love the new account! ;)))))

piggybacking off of what u were saying last ask, holy FUUUUUCK dude.....imagine pegging the shit outta high megumi??? u have him straddle and ride u and when it first goes in hes like so overwhelmed he cant stop making noise and slouching over and hiding his face in ur neck, saying “too much, too much” and he cant move(with the exception of jus uncontrobllable subtle twitching) gripping your shoulders real tight and u tell him ever so sweetly that hes “gotta move so it can feel good, get rid of the prickly feeling” he jus nods his lil head and starts bouncing a little, getting totally louder with this new strange yet filling feeling hes getting😗 before he can get too comfy with his slow n sloppy moves u decide to take the reins once again and jus pound the fuck outta him, thrusting upward as fast as u can all while touching him only a little bit on his dick.....he tries to kiss u but it ends up in him kiiiinda slobbering on u(i love the thought of high as fuck megumi not being able to kiss u properly, he more just opens his mouth and puts it in random places on ur face n neck n shoulder)

u take him from behind and his face is jus absolutely shoved into his pillow and he doesnt think about moving to get full breaths, so hes jus suffocating lowkey. u have to pull his hair to lift him up and hes fisting the sheets so hard and attempting to touch himself but he keeps missing and falling while doing it, so u grab his hand when he trues again, and put it around his dick for him.

YOU MADE IT OH THANK YOU I WAS SO WORRIED MY NEW BEAUTIFUL LIKE MINDED ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LET US INDULGE HERE WITH NO WARNINGS <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

*inhales sharply* I have never wanted to peg someone as much as I want to peg Megumi while he’s faded outta his fucking mind (this surpasses the need to peg Mahito and that was a mighty need ok)

He squirms the entire time you’re prepping him. Those mixed signals of him moaning like a mother fucker but also whining like “No…y/n…it…it feels warm…so warm-” He’s a hot fucking mess like his body wants it that bad and its obvious the way he wiggles down on just your finger when you prep him. His cock totally neglected through this entire thing but it doesn’t matter bc the moment the tip of that toy finds his prostate. Game over.

Megumi is drooling, eyes rolled back in his head, hips shuddering on you uncontrollably. Just stringy precum everywhere coating him. He is drooling precum by the buckets full ok. Like, just touching his prostate has him a moaning incoherent mess that can’t do anything but let it happen. Get him to bounce on your cock you say? Fuck yes he can’t control himself. He does it until his legs lock up and his poor purple headed cock is so neglected and hard it almost makes you wanna help. Almost.

If he’s came at least once like that, which he probably has painted his stomach all pretty and white with thicc ropes of cum and he’s still this hard, then the second his legs lock bc he just can’t do it anymore. That’s when you stop the praise and push him down under you. Face smashed into the pillow, bottoming out into him with the hilt of your toy. Megumi is a mess. He’s face down and can’t do anything. So he ends up sucking on his own fingers, moaning your name and pressing back into you. Even angling his ass up so you can nearly split him in half with that toy. He wants you to rearrange your guts and it’s obvious.

Feeling real generous if you let him get up on all fours, which he can hardly do. And Megumi’s pushing back into you like a whore. Begging you for more while his cock slaps his stomach with each of your forceful thrusts. He’s nearly pleading you to touch his cock it’s so hard now. You could but grabbing fistfuls of his hips are too good and the way you bottom out in him is wonderful. That’s when you encourage him to touch himself. Cooing and calling him a good boy, getting him to wrap his fist loosely around his cock. And that’s all he really needs too. He doesn’t even squeeze his cock. He can hardly keep his hand there as he fucks his fist as you spilt him open and milk his prostate for every single orgasm he has. Boy is shooting blanks by the time your done. Cumming dry like a whimpering mess. Coating in his own cum and all. Until you press into him and make him grind on your dick while swiping a bit of his fresh cum and bringing it to his lips to suck on. He doesn’t even care that its his cum. He’s wanted something in his mouth so bad that now he’s lapping at your cummy knuckles like his life depends on it

stoned megumi just has an oral fixation okk???

[tonenoth]

.

if there was a real book with all the answers and secrets to life, i think it would be only one page with a period on it.

that might have saved us a lot of trouble. here, an ending with no content. the content is the ending. the book is yours to write but the ending is all that is promised.

abraham filled the book with rules, jesus came and saved people from those rules. good and bad to the right and wrong. when can we finally admit we are just a little confused?

god is probably tired of us and our inability to coexist. we make it too difficult. we listen too much. we understand too much. we listen to and understand inconsistencies that ruin the whole game.

most people are just trying to get it right. telling us what is or isnt by virtue of themselves. nobody knows, but they call us too much or too little. these things can be seen through, but people's confusion being called sinister? kindness being called naïveté? lies that kill. its not inherently harmful if no one believes it, but those lying to someone who takes things into consideration? in a world with violence? and hate? use your head before someone removes it.

theres a difference between allowing and supposing outcomes. when you allow something, it means it can, but it doesnt guarantee it will, is, or has. when you suppose something, it HAS to be that way. thats the rule. break it and you lose. but really, nothing has to be anything. no scene is supposed. you can take your tits out and start smacking mother fuckers with them. it gets weird when you start forcing people to do that.

being free to make any choice is great but feeling good is completely irrelevant. its great, but we cant get enough. why try? why is it so much to us? i think we all need to feel a little bad sometimes. some of us more than others, some of us less. the point is, neither good feelings nor bad feelings are final. how could they be? neither is anything but more or less of the other. they are points of entry with no direction. paint without a canvas. the point is not to cease feeling, it is to react properly to feeling, to fill the canvas with a precise painting of you. it must be felt.

great or not, you can do anything. lie, cheat, and steal. love, give, and heal. the rules are yours. go bananas. but... think first. everything you do has a consequence, you do something and something happens back. cut that person off, flip them off, nothing is stopping you. its allowed. you know what else is allowed? them following you home and slashing your tires, or worse.

we need others as much as they need us, to treat them poorly only reflects onto us. there are no true rules, but there will always be truth to an end.

let go of your hold and fly.

[anxiousfuckupon]

Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 3 opinions/ commentary. Sorry I'm late!!! Spoilers!!

Samwell looks so goddamn scared my baby!!

This beginning is just everyone trading ominous looks with each other

Why is nobody but the unsullied wearing headgear??

Why the fuck is Ghost fighting? He's the only direwolf left! ( Nymerias MIA )

You can feel the awkwardness between Jon And Dany

Of course Melissandri has to be a dramatic fuck and scare everyone

Well at least we can see now

Oh I can tell Davos wants to kill her so bad

And Arya

Everyone wants to kill Melissandri

Jon and Damy being salty to each other like 😯

The battle has started and I see nothing

I love Jaime saving Brienne

Those dragons look beautiful this episode tho

Arya wanting to protect her sister and Sansa being like " I'm not gonna wimp out Bish" is such sisterly love I love it

"Stick them with the pointy end!!!!!!!!!

Samwell is acting like such a baby

Edd is dead

Only 2 left of the OG night watch club

Sansa is looking at anyone on Danys side like Try Me Bitch

This dragon scene would be awesome if I could see something

Pod stopping to check on Bri is so beuatiful

Holy Shit Greyworm is afraid and showing it I'm scared

Hey Melissandri did something useful for once. I can see again

Poor Sandor with all this fire

Sansa spilling the tea again

Holy Shit is Tyrion hitting on her

And he gets shut down

Aww Missandi being loyal to her bestie

Theon and Bran moment has me bawling like brotherly love!!

And..... The trenches have used up its uselessness

Fuck now the walls are useless

This fight would be cool if I could see something

Arya is using her training!!! The one true queen!!

I think Ser Davos has another daughter

This reminds me of the Waif fight so much

fuck fuck fuck the giants alive dead

Oh no Lady Lyanna!!!!!!!!!!

Sandor chooses right now to deal with his PTSD. Like valid but....

The Hound Came out of his panic attack to save his little Murder Daughter!!!!

NOOOO LYANNA!!!!!!

REST IN PEACE LYANNA MORMONT, LADY OF BEAR ISLAND, LITTLE GIRL SUPREME, QUEEN OF SASS, MOTHER OF AWESOMENESS, DESTROYER OF BULLSHIT AND SLAYER OF GIANTS!!!!!!

So suspenseful but I can actually see and Aryas being a baddass best scene of episode

Oh No she's hurt!

Running In the crypts scene!! I expected her to be running from wights

Hound saving Arya just like old times!!!!

Beric Is Dead

The Arya and Melissandri scene is a little dissapointing because I expected Arya to kill her

But Mel is acting like such a mom though

Hound is just sitting in the back like the fuck is this shit

OMG blue eyes Ayra will kill the night kill calling it NoT ToDaY FuCkFaCe

OH No Dragon!! (Idk if Drogon or Rheagal)

Ok if regular fire kills Wights why doesnt dragon fire kill the night king??????

Oh fuck Drogon!!

NK rose everyone we have to fight everyone we are so screwed

Oh fuck now drogons dead (i think)

The Tyrion and Sansa look will they just make up there mind if they will fall in love or not?

"You're A Good Man. Thank You." That is all Theon ever wanted I'm crying even though That Bitch dead from those words

Also thank you for finally joining us BRAN!

Theon crying at the end because he knows he's gonna die but takes it like a man is so in his character and is such a good death for him protecting a Stark. Ned would be proud.

Theon is dead. Rest in peace with Ned and Rob, son.

The Night King has a better manicure than I do.

Is it just me, or do Bran and Night King share a look of understand when they stare at each other. Like they found a mutual respect.

I think Bran teared up when NK reached for his sword.

Holy shit Arya came from nowhere ( haha get it its a pun)

the switchy hand thing the switchy hand thing!!!!

A hundred pound girl just killed the Most powerful thing in westeros

ARYA YOU ARE A GODDESS YOU PROTECTED BRAN AND SAVED EVERYONE PLEASE MARRY ME

NOT TODAY MOTHER FUCKERS

Jorah is dead.

For the first time in a long time I feel bad for Dany

Seeing her weep over her best friends dead body wow I'm hurt

I can see it in Davos eyes he still wants to kill Melissandri himself

Melissandri is dead.

In conclusion

Rip Edd nightwatch dude

RIP LYANNA MORMONT, GIANT SLAYER, ONE TRUE QUEEN

The Hound getting out of his fluck to save his little murder daughter gives me a lot of feels

RIP Beric

Melissandri is awesome in the scene with Arya and I think that is the only scene I will say I like her

RIP Theon Greyjoy. Ned would be proud. Oh fuck poor Yara...

Arya is a goddamn goddess and killed the night king and she is my one true fav now

Rip Jorah. Oh fuck he was the last of house Mormont

Melissandri is dead. She doesn't get an RIP because I'm still pissed about Shireen

Davos should have killed Melissandri

Did anyone else notice that Jon Snow did almost nothing in this?

By all! Love you! See you next week!

[local-anon]

OC introduction

Will Barrett (rdr2)

Full Name: Will Barrett

Race: White

Class: Outlaw/ broke

Sexuality: Pan (but doesn't know it bc its the 1800s)

Age: 26

Physical Description

Gender: Male

Hair: Short, light brown

Height: 6’

Build: thicc but swole

Eyes: Hazel (depends on the day)

Scars: Scar round half his neck from nightfolk. Various gunshot grazes. once got stabbed in the hand during a drunken five finger fillet bet

Tattoos: Stick and poke sleeve on left arm.

Personality

Summary of their backstory.

An against the world attitude ever since he ran away from his parents' farm (too many kids they didn’t even notice) Worlds been throwing shit at him ever since. gains overconfidence because he somehow hasn't died yet 

“My best skill is surviving because I haven’t died yet so clearly I’m immortal” Takes it upon himself to make everyone smile once in his presence even if they respond by hardcore insulting him.

Do they have any mental illnesses?

Ptsd definitely. prolly adhd bc he forgets shit like a mother fucker, will start 15 chores and not finish any of them.

“Shit probably but who cares about that when people are shooting at you lmao”

How do they cope?

He doesn’t. To the frustration of himself and the rest of camp

Do they have any medical conditions?

“I have this thing where my neck scar will suddenly start burning to the point of my legs collapsing but that’s probably nothing”

Is medicine/ treatment available for them?

Honestly it’s probably psychosomatic and in 1899 he isn't going to bother with it.

How much do they care about their outer appearance?

11/10 He will bathe twice a week and is always doing laundry. miss Grimshaw appreciates him the most because he washes clothes the best.

What’s their “beauty routine”?

Beard is in perfect condition, has added pomade and stimulant to make sure of it. Makes his own soap.

What do they fear the most?

Spiders, it's a hindrance when it comes to checking out caves and abandoned places.

Their biggest flaw?

“My existence?” His self-esteem, not knowing when to shut up.

Do they recognize it as a flaw?

He recognizes his entire being as a flaw so idk

What’s their zodiac sign or which one do you think they relate to the most?

Doesn't know his birthday exactly but I predict he’s a Libra Scorpio cusp with cancer rising and Leo moon. he has a Leo venus. Sagittarius Mars

What Harry Potter house would they be in?

“I’m a Gryffindor” he's a Hufflepuff

What natural alignment are they? (ex. Lawful Good, Chaotic Evil)

Neutral good. He really just wants to live good and let people live good.

Do they have any hobbies? What are they?

He loves gardening and is crushed every time the camp moves because he has to start all over again.

Do they have a favorite holiday? How do they celebrate it?

He once visited new york in the summer and saw fireworks on the 4th or july he was in love. It's his favorite holiday but he will light off fireworks whenever he gets his hands on them. “That's why I loved that mayors party”

What’s their favorite season?

Spring, seed sowing season lol

Do they have a temper or are they level headed?

He is mostly level headed unless you completely got him fucked up (insult his partner, his family, THREATEN his family?) he will shoot you after telling you all the ways you fucked up

Do they express their emotions freely or hide their true feelings?

Both?? He hides behind half truths most of the time. But very blunt if he doesnt like you.

Are they a leader or a follower?

He’s a good team player but not necessarily a follower. Will question you if you give weird not good orders (dutch almost dropped him twice)

How do they come off to others?

Blunt and overconfident, charming in his way that even if you’re mad you won't be for long.

What first impression do they usually make?

You either want to punch him or hug him.

Do they prefer to travel alone or with company?

He likes traveling with people he trusts, and he prefers it to being alone. He will banter with himself if left alone for too long. (Camp has gotten concerned for his mental status a few times)

Would you describe them as selfless or selfish?

He cares more about his family than he does about himself. But would steal candy from a kid bc he wants it.

What do they find most attractive in others?

He just really loves peoples personalities and if ur nice and treat him and his family well he will find you attractive (also he rlly likes muscles on people)

Do they flirt often?

Yes, aggressively, too much, in a dumb way

Do they fall in love easily?

“No” Yes

What’s their love life like?

“Amazing” Awful, at least it was until he joined the gang

Do they prefer to solve things diplomatically or using violence?

It really depends on the situation, he wants the least amount of innocent casualties. keyword innocent

What is their combat style?

“I have a shotgun for sticky situations, but my favorite are these metal knuckles i got from an old blacksmith friend, theyre bladed”

Do they sneak?

When the situation calls for it

What weapon(s) do they always carry with them?

Sawed off shotgun, Sighted rifles, bow & arrow (Charles made him one after a week of pestering)

Their most prized possession?

An old native American ring he was given after this old white drunk dude after sobbing about all the atrocities he's seen and passing out after handing him the ring saying he can't stand the weight anymore. Will dragged his passed out person into his tent and saved the ring as a reminder to try to help out everyone when he can

Favorite armor/ outfit?

Redshirt, black paisley vest, duster jacket over top.

How’s their aim?

“Its the fuckin best” It’s alright, not perfect all the time but still pretty good

Do their hands shake while aiming a bow?

It used to but Charles taught him how to keep steady

Their thoughts on killing to survive?

He does it because he has to but he’d really like it if people would just stop shooting at them

Does it take a toll on them?

Only when they were innocent and were just caught in the crossfire

Or do they shake it off rather easily?

“Fuck O’Driscolls

Thoughts on death if any? (ex. Fear it, accept it)

Is only afraid he’ll die in a stupid way

Do they scavenge for their supplies or simply buy them?

He’s good at looting houses and won't let things go to waste. Once stole an entire houses blankets because the girls were complaining about the chill drafting into their tents

Are they the type to get distracted and go off to an unknown nearby location or do they stay on track?

Ohhhh myyy goddddd. He was once riding from Valentine to Rhodes and stopped at every single herb he saw, even in the distance and was late bu a few hours than he meant to be back to camp.

How do they sleep?

“What is sleep?” He doesn’t, has to be dragged to bed or will pass out on his horse.

Are they picky about where and how or can they sleep basically anywhere?

Yes, he can’t sleep on the bare ground.

Are they a picky eater?

Not really just needs seasoning

Do they know how to cook?

Surprisingly yes, he taught Pearson how to use the sun to bake.

What’s their favorite beverage?

Rum, it gets him fucked up fast and tastes sweet.

Do they drink alcohol?

Yes

Anything they like to collect? (ex. Unique weapons)

He collects pressed flowers after Mary-Beth taught him how to do it. Arthur bought him a penny dreadful just for the purpose of pressing flowers because he got tired of Will sneaking off with his journal to do it.

Are they good at disarming traps or do they constantly miss them?

He nearly lost a leg to a bear trap.

[t33th1ng]

aborted nanowrimo attempt - november 2015

false bend sits on the coast and is quiet , and keeps to itself . its a town separated from the world by big high trees that pack together tight and leave no room for travelers .

toursits love it , you see . tourists love it . the people who live there wouldnt say they love it . but the people that live there arent overly emotive to begin with

everyones a little similar in this town and if youre passing through you arent going to notice that until you move on , you get to the next town and you remember the way people are Supposd to be. then it hits them , hits you , dawns on these tourists that hey something is a little weird over there , over there in false bend . somethings a little off

the people who live there know but they dont … acknowledge . that doesnt do much good . somethings fucked here , thats all they know .

somethings fucked and it reels in these tourists , who are on long scenic drives along the coast or are headed towards the national park up north , they are attracted to whatever this town carries they love the fresh ocean air and the clear crystal waters flowing down from the hills , the muddy streets , they love the towring trees the foggy beach and the cliffs above it (a witch lives in those cliffs) the tourists lap up the quirky locals and the weird way the light filters down from heaven , they love it , then thye move on . nobody moves into false bend , not really . like .. its been known to happen people Will move in but so slowly , it happens at at trickle . its like they come here . they love it , they want to Want to live here , then they leave again to take care of other affairs and in that time something Clicks in their minds like yeah , yeah false bend is nice , maybe we’ll drive through there again next summer or something but i guess .. now that i Really have time to mull it over .. i guess i dont particulrly want to live there . its nice but .. not for me

its not for anyone really . its a miracle the town even exists because no one fucking wants to live there Really . 

Regardless

people live there . the same people , year after year . people dont really move away either they just . its Stagnant is what it is .

and then , in late summer , a full entire family moves in which is unprecedented entire Families dont move in if anybody comes into the town its a solitary being , maybe a couple , never a family . most parents have the good sense not to drag their children into something like this

but this family , the osmans , they move in regardless . theyre a weird lot , weird in just a way to fit in here and weird , water-damaged . the father is transferred here for work . hes a doctor . a … hes a pathologist okay , he works in a lab looking at germs . his wife is a mess , his two daughters are surviving. its a bad family .

they move into these apartments , known as being the nicer apartments in town. the building is low and either painted gray or weathered into that color who fucking knows . it has a courtyard which is pretty cute and well maintained , if you can imagine that . two stories , vacant feeling , nice apartments though . the stairwells are creepy . it feels a bit like a motel . the roof is flat .

these osman family move into the apartment that used to belong to gertrude stetson before her son sent her to an assisted living facility two towns over . the apartment was definitely too big for one old woman to manage on her own  but at the same time its far too small for a four person family to live in. theres a sense that this apartment will be temporary , hopefully , thats the plan , please .

but really .. Are There four people living here ? the father puts in long long days at the hospital and sometimes just sleeps there . he has sleep problems , takes drugs for those, so if he is home hes passed out . the mother is here and there , shes not a staple in the ‘family life’. the daughters are the only ones there with any regularity . so maybe this apartment is just the right size .  

theres two bedrooms , a bathroom , and reasonable space set aside for a conjoined kitchen+dining area and living room.

its some kind of arrangement

So , next door , across the hall from these osmans , is josef sokol , the younger daughter catches a glimpse of him and refers to him as the ‘tweaky looking fucker’ . its not a wrong assumption to make , josef doesnt look good . he doesnt feel good either , any time , at all , ever . he monitors his new neighbors move in just as he monitored old miss gertrudes move out . in fact , he helped , and his muscles ached for days after . so he doest help these new ones move in . he observes them through his doors peephole and gets a bad feel but he cant tell i if its just him or if its legitimate . guess he'll have to wait and see . he spies on them really , wonders if he should buy a coffee cake or whatever the fuck and give it to them as a housewarming gift . thats what ol miss gertrude did when he moved in here , years and years and years ago . but whatever . he ‘ll think on it . maybe .. he can get the coffee cake and give it to them and use it as an excuse to scope them out .. yes . yes sounds good . josef needs to keep tabs on people

he lurks around for days , observing simply. he doesnt work or anything , he doesnt have friends or hobbies , so hes free to watch these new folks movements to quiet his frantic mind . he Needs to get a feel on them . especially since theyre right next door to him . he sees a father and two daughters and a woman who stops by once who hes never seen before so he assumes shes with them , possibly the mother ? bad vibes , bad vibes . he sits on his barstool in front of his door , straining his eye thru the peephole , smoking a cigarette . he blinks , slowly

that evening he goes for a small walk to smoke some more . he runs into another neighbor , a man who lives down at the end of the hall fuck fuck oh fuck - a man who lives down at then end of the hall named terry . terry is out walking his shitty dachshund that josef wants to fucking punt across the street its peed in front of his door twice and barks in the middle of the night , soft far -off yaps that make him jolt awake . josef glares at this shit dog . shit dog is sniffing the bag of mcdonalds some lazy ass dumped on the gutter

‘so whatre the new neighbros like’ terry asks . josef shrugs , takes a deep inhale , tries to blow the smoke away from him but the winds being weird so the smoke ends up all going in terrys face anyways , but fuck that guy .

‘’nah, nah havent talked to them yet , figured id let them settle in first ‘ blatant lies : josef is in no frame of mind to speak with others right now . this includes you  terry, you fucking demon . ‘ seem a little unusual but whatever . nice enough i guess . theres a father n two daughrers and i guess a mother’

‘you guess ?’ terry does this shitty awkward laugh that he always does when josef says something mildly weird which, to be truthful , is Often . josef knows this laugh in his goddamn bones

‘yeah . some older woman is there like , once . no clue who she is . neither of the adults look like the kids tho ,’ josef exhales more smooke , it goes at terry again , terry backs up . the shit dogs chewing on an old french fry cup thing what they fuck are those called ?? called shit dog chew toy now

terry gravitates away after that . josef does too . time to walk around a three block area and then return to his apartment . see if anythings new with these neighbors . think some more about that coffee cake .

--

by the next afternoon josef musters up the courage , soothes his fucking brain , and buys this coffee cake . time to meet the neighbors . gotta prove hes a reasonable functioning adult . he puts on some relatively stain free clothes , and moves out . maybe he shouldve shaved too  oh well . he knocks on their door , its a sunday , late summer .

one of the daughters answers . shes shorter than the other and looks mildly fucked up . she looks like she gets in fights at school over shit that doesnt matter (this is very true) and like she doesnt get enough validation . she also looks suspicious .

‘hello ?’ she opens the door just enough to pop her head out . theyre the same height , both of them . roughly five foot six , five foot seven . theyre at eye level . and they both have brown eyes . go figure

‘im your neighbor . my names josef.’ he sticks out his hand . she reluctantly shakes it .

'im bea’

‘heres some … heres this coffee cake . welcome to false bend ‘ josefs ability to do this suddenly fucks out on him and he wants to run .

‘cool ‘

bea takes the cake , josef nods , they both vanish into their apartments . josef is getting a Really bad feeling from these people .

later that evening theres a knock on josefs door . oh fuck . he silently jumps out of his cherished recliner and lightfoots to the door . nobody can hear him. outside is bea and her sister . the sister is taller , shes definitely more attractive , she looks more wellrounded for sure but still kind of dead inside but josef isnt one to judge . he opens his door

the sister immediately smiles and sticks her hand out . ‘hello! sorry i missed you earlier , i was taking a nap. my names gloria. thanks for the cake!’

josef shakes her hand , studying her . he cant get a good read on her and its fucking him up .

‘josef .. josef sokol . nice to meet you’ hes forgotten to smile so far so he makes himself do it . he thinks thats the right facial expression for this . glorias smiling so …

bea isnt but hes not going to trust her for social cues .

‘its nice to meet you, sorry my parents arent here , im sure theyd love to meet you too ‘ gloria goes on for a bit about things that josef doesnt necessarily Care about but hes glad to know . family of four , her fathers a busy busy doctor man doing his medicine , they moved here from new mexico , its so beautiful here isnt it ? it sure is .

gloria thanks him again , promises to see him around ,  everyone retreats . josef knows more now but fuck that just making him more confused . he feels paranoid . he always paranoid but Especially now .

-

the osman apartment is a weird place to be . the grand dr norman osman has unpacked and situated all his earthly belongings . the larger of the two bedrooms is normal looking . the rest of the apartment , boxes and bubble wrap and the remains of several half assed unpacking attempts . the sisters are trying to make things nice but it isnt working like it should . theyve smashed their mattresses into their shared room , and have realized theres no room to put the bedframes in there , so now they have to figure out where to get rid of those .  bea puzzles out  how to get the wifi and cable set up , she figures it out , they spend an evening watching nature documentaries together instead of unpacking more because theyre tired . and then the next day they go on a walk instead because gloria wants to figure out whats where in the town  shes says its so pretty lets explore . they end up doing that all day and are so tired by the time they get back they pass out .

bea knows her mother is staying in a motel and she doesnt tell gloria . it wouldnt be anything new but she doesnt want to say it . gloria probably already knows anyways why should she bother . mom is gone gone gone

they seee  their father , their esteemed doctor , a few times .

he comes home almost every night , he takes his shoes off and immediately retreats to his room , he leaves early in the morning . the family does not communicate much .

but this is how things always are . life goes on .

josef observes , josef is confused . school is going to start soon , in a matter of days . gloria will be a senior , bea will be a junior . gloria wants to get everything unpacked before school starts . bea doesnt give a shit .

‘cmon . if it doesnt get done by school its Never getting done ‘

‘why cant we just go on another walk .. i want to look in the forest …. ‘

gloria wins , they unpack some . not all but some . they get the bathroom set up somewhat . bea finds her fuzzy sucks and puts them on . the apartment feels a little less shitty .

‘ isnt this so much nicer ?’ gloria feels like theres fresh air in her lungs . she likes things to be a certain way . bea doesnt care as much . they both clean up for bed and retreat . their bedroom has one tiny tiny window and they lay in bed awake , facing each other , eyes open . the moon is weak and the clouds are heavy , the light is cold and failing . they look at each other and think and remember

they arent related . bea was adopted by their parents when she was four years old and gloria is their godchild . gloria has seen a lot and it makes it hard for her to sleep sometimes . the first night they really truly met each other was a little like this , in the dark and staring at each other emptily . they are sisters in a weird ferocious way . they hurt together but theyre not dead 

that night , like most of the others , norman comes home . theyre both awake when he unlocks the front door .  they listen to him take off his shoes , take his sleeping pills down his throat ,  he strips his socks off , goes into the room , turns the tv on . the volume is low . light flashes under the door .

‘lets go to sleep ‘

please

_

bea and gloria go to the coffee shop down the street the day before school starts . the street is poorly taken care of and theres a bunch of weeds growing , theres plants bursting out of everywhere in this town its just the way . and the buildings around the street , just like all buildings , in town , are gray and beaten . the ocean weather gnaws them down into something gray and dirty .  

all the buildings are low . gloria looks straight ahead while she walks and bea looks all around them . a truck drives by them , maybe the passengers are somebody they will go to school with ? theres a bar with a shining neon sign across the street . crows sit on the telephone wires . bea watches it all .

in the cofffee shop bea gets a donut , gloria gets tea and a scone . gloria cares more about keeping up appearances.

they sit at the window to watch people inside , and outside , the coffee shop . as they sit it starts to rain a little .

-

okay i dont giiiive a fuck

wanted to tdo donuts , donuts was boring ,

after the coffee shop wihc was Boring And a Mistake Fuck U .. afterwards thy go towards the ocean , it is cold and lovely

the ocean rolls out forever . before coming here , neither sister has seen the ocean before . they watch it for a long time . gloria is smiling , she likes it . bea is mildly horrified . she doesnt know why . she watches it move in front of her and she has a hard time breathing . oh she hates it . or not hates it . it scares her . and her first kneejerk reaction to  being afraid of things is to hate them so its only natural

gloria wants to walk the beach forever , admire the nature and the shells and the gulls , admire the gulls and the clouds .   . bea just wants to go the fuck home but hey she isnt going to ditch her sister on the beach .

they stay out there an hour , more than an hour . fuck im gying im g=done goodNight

- 

bea can only view her chemistry teacher with suspicion. marcus rydell , who has long braided hair and plays guitar and wont shut up about his beloved pet cockatoo and has a gigantic potted tree in his classroom that cant be removed without killing it , well this mr rydell is a weird guy . and bea can handle weird but theres just something so off about this guy . 

all the other students love him , hes a school favorite. but bea is creeped out by his pale pale blue eyes. something about his eyes . she doesnt know it by name doesnt know what it particularly is but its there she hates it , it drives her nuts 

(months later after shes established her weird , mildly shitty relationship with josef, she tells him about it . he looks thoughtful on it but doesnt offer much beyond 'have you noticed how others have that look? in this town?' and now that he mentions it she really does notice that . imagine that . much much later he tells her more and she realizes what it all means ) 

anyways 

bea doesnt like this fisheyed hippie shit bastard and waching him an hour a day in class is a bad feeling. she stews on this in the back of class and is thoroughly unnerved by the time she leaves. she cant even whine about it to anyone - again , everyone loves him. also she doesnt have friends so like 

- 

sol washington is the world famous darling of false bend, he has a huge home there on a cliff above the ocean with an all native species carefully maintained garden. hes there twice maybe three times a year . there is a live in staff of maids and yardworkers and one grouchy middle aged woman who takes care of his impressive 400 gallon fish tank. he loves those fish. she loves them too but not much else 

josef would be the eleventh edition to this household and sol wishes he would but but josef doubts he could handle it and anyways , living in large spaces freaks him out . hes an opposite claustrophobe. also a reguar claustrophobe . josef has some issues 

he goes to the grand washington house whenever sol visits , to keep him company and to be bathed in luxury. he also pays the house periodic visits to just to make sure its being kept to sols standards. and to send him pictures of his fish . he also kind of likes some of the staff there and likes to check up with them when hes feeling particularly sociable which is a relative term with him but is known to happen 

sol designed the house himself of course . just as he has a fair number of the buildings throughout false bend. its only natural - hes  a beloved renowned architect with a strong capability in interior design . he travels all over the world to build and lecture and entertain. sol is the light of whatever party hes sucked into . his passions are creation , and socializing (and the occult But ) in fact he met josef when he traveled to new mexico in the 80s to help create a spiritualists mountain retreat . a lovely complex integrated into the landscape and he picked up josef along the way . josef cant come to terms about how he feels on that - getting uprooted from the desert drug culture and transplanted into the northwest rainforest . he figures it was good in a way, not gong to complain about having a safe place to live and being somewhat sober is somewhat nice as well . he supposes . but going up north tossed open a whole new can of worms as well . thanks , sol . 

josefs life in the desert  was painful dangerous and something he will never properly recover from . hes killed a man and witnessed three other murders . hes wasted four solid years of his life on heroin , his body hurts and his scars stand out bright on his skin . and his brains never going to heal . but hes come to terms with that at the very least 

[circuitousgrievance]

KANKRI: -Its been a lot. Everything. Everything ever has been a lot and Kankri isnt quite sure he knows what he feels right now as he sits outside right near the entrance of the ship. Ideally maybe the air would clear his head and he could think a little better about what it is he should be doing now that this whole nightmare is over.-

GAMZEE: =Whitenoise, all of it. His head has been worse for the duration of this experience. All emotions and thoughts he can't get a hold of, arrange in any kind of comprehensible fashion, or simply allow to settle. It's been a stupor of anger and helplessness, and he's struggling to cope. With himself and everything around. With everyone around. He's been out walking again, more or less in a daze trying to outspeed the hazy flickering at the back of his mind seeping into the corners of his vision. It's frizzing even now as he spots Kankri sitting outside.= 

GAMZEE: =Ultimately, after just watching for a little, he walks on over to him to plop down by his side. He doesn't look at him, instead trying to catch what Kankri might be looking at out in the air.= mind trailing on the breeze?

KANKRI: -He is not quite looking at anything in particular, probably that rock several yards away. He doesnt much react when Gamzee sits down next to him, but he does briefly glance at him.- Yes. 

KANKRI: Very much s9.

KANKRI: H9w are y9u?

GAMZEE: =A very interesting rock then, since they are both looking at it. He shrugs a shoulder.= LIKELY AS FINE AS ANY OTHER MOTHER FUCKER LEFT AFTER THIS HORROR SHOW. 

GAMZEE: regardless ain't me what i be of concern on now. =Looks at him finally (guess the rock wasn't that interesting after all). Instead of asking if he's okay, a stupid and pointless question, he wraps one arm around his shoulders in a one armed hug.=

KANKRI: -He thinks an interesting rock, in fact boy that rock is damn awe inspiring just look at how his eyes start to water a little when Gamzee wraps an arm around him, all for that rock, boy.- 

KANKRI: -He does briefly tense up during the initial embrace but only for a moment before his muscles relax and he leans against Gamzee.-

GAMZEE: =The rock is truly an inspiration to us all... He simply holds his arm on him in a loose drape while Kankri tenses, only pulling him in against him once he's relaxed and leaning. Fingers rub against Kankri's shoulder in slow steady motions, his cheek resting against the top of Kankri's head. He's never been good with words, not even after the supor left his system. They're caught in his chest, and for now he doesn't know if he's capable of fishing it out. Instead he speaks with a gentle squeeze to Kankri's shoulders, giving what comfort he could.=

KANKRI: -The silence is really appreciated, more and more lately Kankri found himself not wanting to spend the energy on the words he usually gushed out. Simple was fine, simple was better. And after a minute or so of this, and a few silently shed tears, Kankri slowly straightens himself up and wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.- 

KANKRI: I'm fine. Its 9kay.

GAMZEE: =The tight grip on him loosens somewhat once he straightens, letting him move as he liked. Gamzee watches him wipe his tears, turning more towards him to let his free hand touch his cheek. Thumb swiping below his eye, catching tears.= YOU AIN'T. 

 GAMZEE: but ain't no crime in having youself be so.

KANKRI: -No, his cheek is gross with the wetness of his weakness.- 

KANKRI: -But still thats a really sweet gesture and he reaches his hand up to take Gamzee's and hold it.- Well I'm g9ing t9 6e fine. 

 KANKRI: Its just a matter 9f waiting it 9ut, which I will d9. In the mean time I can f9cus 9n h9w thankful I am that this is 9ver and I w9nt 6e l9sing any9ne else.

GAMZEE: =Crying isn't weakness, but whatever floats his boat. He twines their fingers together, not saying anything straight away as his words swirl around in his pan. The whitenoise is more insistant. He has to wet his lips before speaking, gaze flitting off just to the side of Kankri's face then back again.= 

GAMZEE: DOUBT HE NEEDING ON HAVING ME TELL HIM THAT SIMPLE WAIT WITH FEELINGS UNPROCESSED AND ADRESSED AIN'T HOW A MOTHER FUCKER BEST HANDLE HIM SHIT. 

GAMZEE: requires work, adressin', have a real time to break apart then build back on up anew.

KANKRI: Perhaps that is true, 6ut currently my moirail is unc9nci9us and s9 at the very least Im just g9ing t9 have t9 wait until I get t9 adressing any 9f it. -Its a good excuse.-

GAMZEE: =Squeezes his hand.= CANNOT LET THEM FEELS FESTER WITH LINGERING CLAWS, BROTHER. 

GAMZEE: find on ways to give release elsewise while john rest.

GAMZEE: =He scoots closer, eyes firmly set on his.= WAYS OF ESCAPING-- RETREATIN', FIND SOME PLACE WHERE ALL AIN'T SO MUCH WHAT IT BE. 

GAMZEE: for a time, not always, until it good.

KANKRI: -Turns to meet his deep purple gaze with his own duller red, and he listens to him and tries to grasp the concept of those words.- 

KANKRI: Are y9u suggesting t9 me attempts 9f meditiati9n?

GAMZEE: =It's frustrating how he can't seem to make people understand, much less himself. The idea was already there, he knew, but all this time he'd been teethering. Unsure whether to do one thing or the next. He had never made true desicions for himself, where to go, other than... Ones that lead him to other people, make connections he so longed for. This time it was nothing like that, a desicion that would lead to more loneliness he had thought, but maybe it didn't have to.= ESCAPE IT BE WHAT I SUGGEST, PHYSICAL AS BE SPIRITUAL. 

GAMZEE: have a way aways from here, noise and mofos suffering louder than what they dare speak, than what they dare spill from headspace feeling on too heavy for themselves. 

GAMZEE: AS OF PATH WE NOW DO TRAVEL, TIME WILL COME WHEN A MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT KEEP HIS STEPS, AS WHAT WICKED NOISE ROLLS IN HIM FEELS AND MIND BE TOO PIERCING.

KANKRI: -His eyebrows knit together in confusion as he hears out the idea, and then it hits him what Gamzee is proposing and suddenly his stomach is swirling and it feels like up and down might be switched.- 

KANKRI: .....Leaving. -He needs to say it just in his own voice, for clarity. And he briefly flashes back to his last sugar high and all the rambling about living on Avalon and finally escaping the misery that followed this ship. It was still such an intoxicating thought and dream, but without the drug jacking up his heart rate and erasing the emotional and responsibility tethers he had here... Kankri found the idea a gut churning bitter sweet.-

KANKRI: I... Leaving the ship. Leaving every9ne else.

KANKRI: I d9n't think that I...can. J9hn will never leave and. 

KANKRI: And then there is Porrim, and Horuss, and-- -He swallows.-

KANKRI: I kn9w I'm n9t much use t9 this crew 6ut we've c9me this far while I d9nt really 6elieve t99 hard it fate I still feel like there is reas9n t9 stay, t9 keep seeing where it leads.

GAMZEE: =His eyes are searching, confused, even after Kankri is done explaining. His knuckles whitening at how tightly he is holding his hand, then easing the grip once he realises how tightly he'd hold the hand resting in his. It wasn't a surprising answer. He'd expected it frankly, but there had still been that brief flash of hope that he didn't have to start over. That someone would be with him. It's a selfish request, he knew it deep down. One that couldn't be done. Still, apart from his desire to not be alone, he did want for Kankri to be happy. To find some peace. He laughs airly, shaking his head.= ain't useless, all peeps got some use in them for one or other. 

GAMZEE: DON'T SUGGEST ON LEAVING FOREVER, AIN'T WHAT-- MOTHER FUCK. 

GAMZEE: ain't what i'm saying at yous, or... what it be i is suggest. 

GAMZEE: JUST 'TIL ON AIN'T HURT NO MORE. 

GAMZEE: 'tils you don't cry or feel like you ain't you and none is right.

KANKRI: -He did wince a little from the strength of the grip, but since Gamzee stopped soon enough he didnt say anything or pull his hand away.-  

KANKRI: -He does need to look away though, feeling the tightness in his stomach rapidly crawling up into his chest at the flashes of upset he can see in Gamzee's face.- As great as that s9unds, (fuck) as amazing and h9pefull as that s9unds. Leaving isnt g9ing t9 make me feel 6etter, Gamzee. 

 KANKRI: I already tried leaving my pr96lems 9nce, and thats h9w I ended up 9n this ship in the first place. I just-- -He pauses a moment to take a breath and force himself to look at Gamzee again, just really take in the sight of this troll sitting next to him, being there for him, pestering and pushing him to get better.- I can't leave. I d9nt want t9.

GAMZEE: =It hurts hearing that, and it hurts more feeling how he's getting angry about it. Angry that Kankri is saying no, that he has so little hold on his temper, angry that his wistful fantasies so rarely come true. He knows it isn't right to demand it, to expect it, nor to get angry over him telling him no. The whitenoise is overpowering, and he swallows. He wonders if he is doing the same thing, that when presented with the option to "take a break to heal" by Tavros he wasn't actually going to do so. That he was just finding another way of escapism. Gamzee's jaw sets tightly, as if he wants  to yell (and he wants to), something stinging painfully at his eyes and then... His expression falls, tension gone, but with apathy in it's place. The one safespace he had left.= 

GAMZEE: KNOW YOU BEST, THAT HOW IT FALL IN THE END OF ALL THINGS. 

GAMZEE: ain't forcin' you to do none what you don't wish, can't push mine careless shit so far. 

GAMZEE: =He swipes a thumb over Kankri's knuckles slowly, then lets go of his hand all together to wrap his arms around his own knees. Eyes back to the rock over yonder.= 

 GAMZEE: =The rock holds no answers to his thoughts, of what might be right, instead he spills the truth as it is. Harsh and all.= 

 GAMZEE: ONCE WE ALLS MORE SKYBOUND, A TRASHASS CLOWN WILL BE NONE MORE.

KANKRI: -That split moment of anger in Gamzee is shocking, it threw Kankri off to see it but at the very least its ebbing away and so Kankri can release the breath of anxiety he didnt know he was holding onto. However when Gamzee releases his hand he almost tries to grab it back, but no, he hesitates and then lowers it.- 

KANKRI: .................... -It was what he had been starting to fear over the course of this conversation. Obviously he couldn't stop Gamzee from leaving anymore then he could convince him against staying. And it sucked. It actually physically hurt and suddenly Kankri feels extremely winded and like his entire body is burning and there isnt any real way to stop it. He wont cry though, hes not going to cry now. He just swallows it down a dry throat, and turns his gaze forward again.- 

KANKRI: If thats what y9u want then 9kay. 

KANKRI: ...I will miss y9u.

GAMZEE: =His fists clench as he sits there. Only briefly as the nonsensical swill of grief and anger rises in his throat, only to be pushed down again. He keeps his eyes focused on the rock to keep from going back on what he's saying. What he is going to do.= 

GAMZEE: =He laughs, humorless.= ain't what i want. 

GAMZEE: BUT IS WHAT I IS NEEDING. 

GAMZEE: can't go on up and witnessing these sickening displays, have them what matter torn apart while own pan make none sense. 

GAMZEE: SPEAK OF USELESS THEN IF THERE BE ONE HE NEED LOOK NONE FURTHER THAN HERE. =Taps a finger to his temple.= 

GAMZEE: more in the now than before, be what i is slow to realise. 

GAMZEE: BRING ON MY OWN ASS UNDONE, TO CONTINUE THIS HERE PATH WHICH I TAKE. 

GAMZEE: thus bring on all else what mattering to me. 

GAMZEE: =Sighs shakily, swallowing thickly.= SO IT MUST BE, THAT I STRAY. GAMZEE: =His voice shakes now, angry and upset.= but never don't come at me like that. 

GAMZEE: THINKING IT SOME SHIT I GONE UP CRAVE AND WANT. GAMZEE: for none less true. 

GAMZEE: =Rubs his face, turning to Kankri with his voice more level.= YOUS MATTER, STILL DO, WON'T STOP. 

GAMZEE: don't think i ain't true in that.

KANKRI: Right. N9, I kn9w. -He still doesnt look at him and keeps turned away.- 

 KANKRI: We are 69th d9ing what we need t9. I hate that circumstances are what they are and that every day its wearing d9wn every9ne that much m9re. 6ut I understand y9u want-- needing t9 leave. 

 KANKRI: I w9uldnt want y9u t9 stay and risk y9urself anym9re then I w9uld h9pe y9u w9uld feel if the r9les were reversed.

KANKRI: I'm angry. I d9nt like it. 6ut that has n9thing t9 d9 with y9u, and it w9uld 6e selfish 9f me t9 h9ld any anam9sity t9wards y9u f9r it. S9 I d9n't.

GAMZEE: RATHER YOU UP AND SPILL WHAT FURIOSITY YOU GOT AT A CLOWN. 

GAMZEE: than keep it on inside with the rest.

KANKRI: -He finally looks at him again and when he does Gamzee can see his face is red and he scowls and snaps.- I just t9ld y9u I d9nt!!

KANKRI: ........have any. -Takes a deep breath and tries to settle himself.-

GAMZEE: =He's watching him, the whitenoise overpowering and the apathy fully settled.= 

 GAMZEE: AND IF SHIT BE TRUTH, THEN SKIES BE GREEN AND GRASS BLUE.

KANKRI: UGH! D9 y9u want me t9 6e angry with y9u?? T9 6e upset and yell? What g99d w9uld that h9nestly d9 f9r either 9f us right n9w!

GAMZEE: to let it go.

KANKRI: May6e I d9nt want t9! 9r at the very least end it all with us screaming at each 9ther.

GAMZEE: GOT ALL RIGHTS TO BE ANGRY, WON'T UP AND TELL ON YOU TO BE ELSEWISE. 

GAMZEE: only have none want to know i leave when words are unsaid. GAMZEE: FILL ON NOTHING BUT REGRET.

KANKRI: 9kay fine. Then I'll say it. -He huffs and folds his arms tightly.- KANKRI: I am angry. Furi9us. At y9u f9r saying y9ure g9ing t9 leave, and its stupid and childish 6ut it feels like y9u are leaving just me and- 

 KANKRI: And it hurts! It hurts 6ecause it makes me wish we never g9t inv9lved 6ecause then I w9uldn't 6e feeling like calling y9u a c9ward 9r 9ther h9rri6le things purely 9ut 9f pers9nal spite. 6ecause as much as I want t9 reas9n with myself that y9u getting away fr9m all this is the 6est p9ssi6le thing f9r y9u I can't help 6ut feel resentment t9wards y9u and its n9t fair t9 either 9f us and that just manages t9 get me even m9re angry a69ut the wh9le thing!!

GAMZEE: =In one way apathy really hurts, it makes you numb and nothing... Nothing matters or feels remotely real, but at the same time it can serve as a comfort. A protection against things that are too much. It's the latter now, a comfort as he simply takes it. Takes the anger Kankri is spilling over him.= GAMZEE: cannot blame you on your feels, brother. 

GAMZEE: IF ROLES WERE IN REVERSE, KNOW WELL ON HAVE HIMSELF THE SIMILAR STIRRINGS IN MINESELF. 

GAMZEE: feel anger on mine own ass as were, that i ain't more right in the pan. 

GAMZEE: STRONGER OR BETTER, MORE KNOWING ON ALLS THIS SHIT WHAT SPILL. 

GAMZEE: but i ain't, and that what i hate. 

GAMZEE: THAT WHAT I NEED. 

GAMZEE: to figure on out. 

GAMZEE: SO CAN BE SOMEONE I AIN'T HATE, THAT CAN BE SOMEONE WHO KNOW MORE HOW TO BE OF ASSIST TO THOSE WHAT MATTER TO ME. 

GAMZEE: so can feel more like i is normal.

KANKRI: -He knows this, he understands it, and hell he even agrees with it. But it still does nothing to settle the swirl of horrible emotions inside of his chest and mind.- 

KANKRI: (I kn9w.) -He hisses out through gritted teeth and then wills himself to calm again, he said his piece, there is no more reason to continue to throw that anger when it will do nothing to solve the problem.- 

 KANKRI: I want y9u t9 get 6etter. And then perhaps when y9u are, tell me.

GAMZEE: =Watches him hiss, then looks away.= 

GAMZEE: STILL PLAN ON GIVING PESTERS. 

GAMZEE: tell on how i do, how you do, for ain't much crueler thing i can be think of than leave all in silence. 

GAMZEE: UNLESS SO HE WISH OF ME.

KANKRI: N9. I w9uldnt wish that 9f y9u. 

KANKRI: 6ut. I need time t9 reflect 9n this and 9ther things....

GAMZEE: so i realise. =Looks back to him, an extended pause before speaking.=

 GAMZEE: STILL. TIME DO REMAIN IN SPACE BETWEEN HERE AND NOT. 

GAMZEE: don't need be "see you later" just on yet, as i remain. 

GAMZEE: BUT IT IS FOR YOUR FEELS TO DECIDE ON. 

GAMZEE: whatever picked, clown do comply.

KANKRI: -He simply nods.- Right. 

KANKRI I'll 6e keeping y9u updated then. 

 KANKRI: -And with that he risks touching their shoulders together, leaning into him. Even if he is angry, and hurting and sad, Kankri wont let it ruin this one last moment where he can have that comfort.-

GAMZEE: =Again, the hope comes creeping, and he hopes that they will be able to have good... Or at least civil days, without bitterness and anger, until the day comes for his departure. A fake hollow sense of peace maybe, knowing that it's coming to an end, but better than the alternative he thinks. With Kankri leaning, he leans back, arm coming back around him carefully. Hand hovering above his shoulder, hesitating, before placing it on him.=