#doesn't it subvert expectation if nol finally breaks and opens up even just a little?

[trashlie]

oh i almost forgot! i also wanted to say thank you for your commentary on 223, you really hit the nail on the head describing all the ways in which shinae and nol's situations in terms of trauma and healing are similar and different. we've been shown the parallels, now the differences become much more obvious. and it's important to keep in mind that nol's circumstances *are* very different. opening up and getting close to people really does put him and them in danger because he's haunted and hunted by yui. and not to belittle shinae's situation but for him it's more than just the fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt in the process. so yeah, thanks for pointing that out! it does make me wonder if nol can ever be comfortable as long as yui is around... would she let him be if kousuke gets the ceo position, or would she keep tormenting him for fun? it's a suffocating situation, it probably really is best if he spends a couple of years away from... everything, so he can at least breathe...

-lil anon

I feel like the BEST thing about your asks is that you always manage to hit on a topic I've been thinking a lot about and BOY is this one of those!

I don't think I remembered to make this point in my 223 (or even 224) commentary, because there was so much to get over and just a lot of feelings to feel lol but especially re: the differences in Shinae and Nol's trauma is just how that affects the ways they react?

Something I've recently noticed about Shinae is that despite her mother leaving when she was young, she has an almost naive perception of family. I don't say this in a negative way at all, because she means the best of it. She just... expects that families are families, despite their circumstances. For better or worse, she and Shimhan have, mostly, been a team. He has done everything to take care of her, never made her feel bad when they moved so she could attend a new school, ran himself ragged trying to keep them afloat - even when it came to negatively affect them. To her, family is there for you. They have your back. They have an obligation to you and they fulfill it.

It took some time before she could see Yui for who she really was, and she was able to believe that Yui truly loves Kousuke. I think this is why so many readers stayed convinced of that, too, for so long. Because Shinae sees it, too. It has to be true. Yui does awful things because it comes from a good place. But we've learned that's not so.

She envied Alyssa for everything she had - money, a big home, all the things she could ever want, parents who were suffocating. She was blinded by her own absence of a mother and couldn't understand how parents who are TOO doting were a bother - and I don't fault her for this at all! But as a result, she also couldn't understand the implications of Alyssa changing so readily when her father came home. The darker concepts of a perhaps abusive father didn't seem to cross her mind, because she comes from an incredibly loving father who has never really made her feel any kind of fear.

Even very recently, she went through the same thing with Nol.

It was only afterward that she caught herself and remembered what she had learned from Kousuke and about Nol's parentage. And look, I don't fault her here - she has lived a life of struggle, certain that if only they had more money, if only they didn't have these struggles, life would be better. And that's true - if her father didn't have to work so hard, if he had the leisure to finish nursing school without having to pay hospital bills, they could probably have lived a more comfortable and relaxing life.

But money only solves her issues because the issue IS money. Alyssa's issue is not the money. Nol's issue isn't the money. Having a big house doesn't mean to him what it would to her, because he doesn't have the family to fill that home. Their own personal issues cloud and shape their perceptions of others. When you've spent your life struggling, looked down on because you're poor, when you only have the room in your life to think of survival and getting by, getting free food at whatever the cost, exceling in school so you have a chance at getting scholarships to allow you to go to university, then yeah, you WOULD envy Nol's position. A wealthy family, no need to work, all the free time to study, able to buy food for other people, never having to question when your next meal is or if there will be another time that you might face eviction is a dream for her.

But it's only a dream because she has a father who loves her and she doesn't have to question his support. What good is a big home when you feel like you're trapped in it? Not that Nol has even lived with them (according to him). What good is all that wealth if you're still lonely, if you fee no warmth or love from your father, when your mother is gone?

Shinae never means any harm by these misconceptions, either. It's just that to her, she's never had to doubt her family. To her, family supports you, they have your back, they take care of you. It's easy to forget that not everyone has that.

And yeah, I think this largely shapes the way they navigate their trauma because right, exactly, in comparison, Shinae's struggles AREN'T as bad as Nol's, and that doesn't belittle her struggles. But it's true. Even the darkest time of her life, when her father was hospitalized and they were facing eviction and she had to call upon a favor from Kousuke, as she tried to hide away at the formal, Nol showed up and had her back. And thus, she equates herself as doing the same for him. He was persistently there for her at every turn, and it was able to wear her down until she could see the good in his persistence, until she could finally see the merit of letting someone catch you when you fall. And because that's her experience, she had believed it might be his, as well - that she could be there for him enough that he could be as vulnerable with her as she was with him, that he would reciprocate the trust.

And because she doesn't know how much deeper his wound is, because she doesn't know how dark it is, she can't help but take his refusal to open up as a sleight. From her vantage, doesn't it feel like he doesn't trust her? Doesn't it feel like he can't open up to her? I think she would understand, if she knew just a little more. How can we expect her to understand when he just tells her he doesn't need to see (her joy!), he's okay being in the dark?

We've seen Shinae grow a lot, but I think we'll continue to see that growth with Nol, if/when/however they find a place for that common ground. She acts on her own experiences - she was able to become a better friend, to open up to people, to be more vulnerable - and believes that it's the same for others. But I think whenever she finds out how deep Nol's wounds are, she'll understand more. She'll be able to see why it's so much harder for him to be as vulnerable as her.

It's just a matter of her gaining that knowledge.

I know none of this is really new lol but it's just something that's been floating around in my head LMAO

ANYWAY lmao I think... yeah. I think as long as Yui exists, there's no peace. Yui messes with Nol BECAUSE he exists. Yes it's partly to ensure that Kousuke gets to where he needs to be, but I think mostly it's just because he exists. Because he was never meant to, because he benefits from her family, because he is a blight on her image (her husband has an illegitimate child so everyone knows he had an affair and boy Rand sure does embarrass her and her family doesn't he). I think Yui just takes joy from making him miserable and making him suffer, regardless of whether or not Kousuke is succeeding at what she set him up to do.

That said, I do think a major part of Nol's character mgiht be finding comfort in being able to rely on others. It won't make his life less suffocating, exactly, but it might be more bearable if he doesn't feel so alone, if he knows he has people to turn to. In a way, I think this is one of those things where we see that Nol/Shinae, Rand/Nessa parallel/foil. Nessa wanted to be that refuge to Rand, it seems by her letters. She wanted to be a beacon of hope, someone who helped him keep going when it was hard. He carried around that Bible full of her letters, of the love they shared. But he was married, he had an obligation to his family, to his career, and thus he could not rely on Nessa the way she wanted him to. He repressed everything, he turned cold and icy so Yui had nothing to use against him, he learned to be unfazed in the face of her taunting, and he lost himself in doing so. If Nol never learns to open up, to be vulnerable, to seek refuge in people, that would be his future, too. Repressing everything about him in effort to just survive. But as evidenced by Rand, what kind of survival is that? There's no living if you live that way.

I agree that Nol will never know true peace if Yui remains around and possesses the power/influence she does. But I think if Nol finds it in him to be vulnerable, and to learn what it is like to trust people, to let that guard down a little, to find a pocket of safety where he can breathe, maybe it would make it bearable. It's hard to fight back when you live in fight or flight mode. It's hard to fight back when you spend all your energy just surviving - but if you can find a place where you can rest? Where you can recharge? Where you can regain that energy and strength, it's easier to fight back and to endure, I think.