#and how it makes it harder for her to understand Nol (because she just lacks THE understanding through no fault of her own)

[trashlie]

oh i almost forgot! i also wanted to say thank you for your commentary on 223, you really hit the nail on the head describing all the ways in which shinae and nol's situations in terms of trauma and healing are similar and different. we've been shown the parallels, now the differences become much more obvious. and it's important to keep in mind that nol's circumstances *are* very different. opening up and getting close to people really does put him and them in danger because he's haunted and hunted by yui. and not to belittle shinae's situation but for him it's more than just the fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt in the process. so yeah, thanks for pointing that out! it does make me wonder if nol can ever be comfortable as long as yui is around... would she let him be if kousuke gets the ceo position, or would she keep tormenting him for fun? it's a suffocating situation, it probably really is best if he spends a couple of years away from... everything, so he can at least breathe...

-lil anon

I feel like the BEST thing about your asks is that you always manage to hit on a topic I've been thinking a lot about and BOY is this one of those!

I don't think I remembered to make this point in my 223 (or even 224) commentary, because there was so much to get over and just a lot of feelings to feel lol but especially re: the differences in Shinae and Nol's trauma is just how that affects the ways they react?

Something I've recently noticed about Shinae is that despite her mother leaving when she was young, she has an almost naive perception of family. I don't say this in a negative way at all, because she means the best of it. She just... expects that families are families, despite their circumstances. For better or worse, she and Shimhan have, mostly, been a team. He has done everything to take care of her, never made her feel bad when they moved so she could attend a new school, ran himself ragged trying to keep them afloat - even when it came to negatively affect them. To her, family is there for you. They have your back. They have an obligation to you and they fulfill it.

It took some time before she could see Yui for who she really was, and she was able to believe that Yui truly loves Kousuke. I think this is why so many readers stayed convinced of that, too, for so long. Because Shinae sees it, too. It has to be true. Yui does awful things because it comes from a good place. But we've learned that's not so.

She envied Alyssa for everything she had - money, a big home, all the things she could ever want, parents who were suffocating. She was blinded by her own absence of a mother and couldn't understand how parents who are TOO doting were a bother - and I don't fault her for this at all! But as a result, she also couldn't understand the implications of Alyssa changing so readily when her father came home. The darker concepts of a perhaps abusive father didn't seem to cross her mind, because she comes from an incredibly loving father who has never really made her feel any kind of fear.

Even very recently, she went through the same thing with Nol.

It was only afterward that she caught herself and remembered what she had learned from Kousuke and about Nol's parentage. And look, I don't fault her here - she has lived a life of struggle, certain that if only they had more money, if only they didn't have these struggles, life would be better. And that's true - if her father didn't have to work so hard, if he had the leisure to finish nursing school without having to pay hospital bills, they could probably have lived a more comfortable and relaxing life.

But money only solves her issues because the issue IS money. Alyssa's issue is not the money. Nol's issue isn't the money. Having a big house doesn't mean to him what it would to her, because he doesn't have the family to fill that home. Their own personal issues cloud and shape their perceptions of others. When you've spent your life struggling, looked down on because you're poor, when you only have the room in your life to think of survival and getting by, getting free food at whatever the cost, exceling in school so you have a chance at getting scholarships to allow you to go to university, then yeah, you WOULD envy Nol's position. A wealthy family, no need to work, all the free time to study, able to buy food for other people, never having to question when your next meal is or if there will be another time that you might face eviction is a dream for her.

But it's only a dream because she has a father who loves her and she doesn't have to question his support. What good is a big home when you feel like you're trapped in it? Not that Nol has even lived with them (according to him). What good is all that wealth if you're still lonely, if you fee no warmth or love from your father, when your mother is gone?

Shinae never means any harm by these misconceptions, either. It's just that to her, she's never had to doubt her family. To her, family supports you, they have your back, they take care of you. It's easy to forget that not everyone has that.

And yeah, I think this largely shapes the way they navigate their trauma because right, exactly, in comparison, Shinae's struggles AREN'T as bad as Nol's, and that doesn't belittle her struggles. But it's true. Even the darkest time of her life, when her father was hospitalized and they were facing eviction and she had to call upon a favor from Kousuke, as she tried to hide away at the formal, Nol showed up and had her back. And thus, she equates herself as doing the same for him. He was persistently there for her at every turn, and it was able to wear her down until she could see the good in his persistence, until she could finally see the merit of letting someone catch you when you fall. And because that's her experience, she had believed it might be his, as well - that she could be there for him enough that he could be as vulnerable with her as she was with him, that he would reciprocate the trust.

And because she doesn't know how much deeper his wound is, because she doesn't know how dark it is, she can't help but take his refusal to open up as a sleight. From her vantage, doesn't it feel like he doesn't trust her? Doesn't it feel like he can't open up to her? I think she would understand, if she knew just a little more. How can we expect her to understand when he just tells her he doesn't need to see (her joy!), he's okay being in the dark?

We've seen Shinae grow a lot, but I think we'll continue to see that growth with Nol, if/when/however they find a place for that common ground. She acts on her own experiences - she was able to become a better friend, to open up to people, to be more vulnerable - and believes that it's the same for others. But I think whenever she finds out how deep Nol's wounds are, she'll understand more. She'll be able to see why it's so much harder for him to be as vulnerable as her.

It's just a matter of her gaining that knowledge.

I know none of this is really new lol but it's just something that's been floating around in my head LMAO

ANYWAY lmao I think... yeah. I think as long as Yui exists, there's no peace. Yui messes with Nol BECAUSE he exists. Yes it's partly to ensure that Kousuke gets to where he needs to be, but I think mostly it's just because he exists. Because he was never meant to, because he benefits from her family, because he is a blight on her image (her husband has an illegitimate child so everyone knows he had an affair and boy Rand sure does embarrass her and her family doesn't he). I think Yui just takes joy from making him miserable and making him suffer, regardless of whether or not Kousuke is succeeding at what she set him up to do.

That said, I do think a major part of Nol's character mgiht be finding comfort in being able to rely on others. It won't make his life less suffocating, exactly, but it might be more bearable if he doesn't feel so alone, if he knows he has people to turn to. In a way, I think this is one of those things where we see that Nol/Shinae, Rand/Nessa parallel/foil. Nessa wanted to be that refuge to Rand, it seems by her letters. She wanted to be a beacon of hope, someone who helped him keep going when it was hard. He carried around that Bible full of her letters, of the love they shared. But he was married, he had an obligation to his family, to his career, and thus he could not rely on Nessa the way she wanted him to. He repressed everything, he turned cold and icy so Yui had nothing to use against him, he learned to be unfazed in the face of her taunting, and he lost himself in doing so. If Nol never learns to open up, to be vulnerable, to seek refuge in people, that would be his future, too. Repressing everything about him in effort to just survive. But as evidenced by Rand, what kind of survival is that? There's no living if you live that way.

I agree that Nol will never know true peace if Yui remains around and possesses the power/influence she does. But I think if Nol finds it in him to be vulnerable, and to learn what it is like to trust people, to let that guard down a little, to find a pocket of safety where he can breathe, maybe it would make it bearable. It's hard to fight back when you live in fight or flight mode. It's hard to fight back when you spend all your energy just surviving - but if you can find a place where you can rest? Where you can recharge? Where you can regain that energy and strength, it's easier to fight back and to endure, I think.

[trashlie]

In Which I Demonstrate that Nol Cannot Deny Shinae; the man is down bad

(I need someone to understand HOW CLOSE I cam to titling this “I can’t deny your eyes, you know I try to read between the lines” i’m so sorry i’m so very on my pop-punk bullshit right now)

One of my favorite dynamics of Shinae and Nol as a pairing and just in general part of how they interact is that it has been shown to us time and time again that Shinae has so much more power (for lack of better word lol) over Nol than I think has been given credit for sometimes. I think often people get very caught up in how Nol’s so very torn in his battle of what he wants vs what he thinks he deserves and the hurt that he ends up causing that sometimes they miss what the true root of it is: that though Nol genuinely believes he does not deserve good things as well as he believes harm will befall all those he cares about and thus he should stay away from the people he loves to protect them - he can’t. He fails. He tries over and over, he gave Kousuke his word, he makes the effort to pull away, but in the end he always caves, he always fails. 

When it comes to Shinae, his resolve crumbles. 

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

It’s such an important dynamic BECAUSE Nol is such a victim of what he believes and has been made to believe it’s hard to get through to him. How do you convince someone that all the abuse that has traumatized him wasn’t true. How do you take someone like him who has been made to feel that he is nothing but a worthless mistake, that he only creates problems, that he is a monster, that he brings doom wherever he goes that it’s not so? Especially with his own father telling him these things, with Kousuke tearing him down at every opportunity, with what happened when he was locked away, with the fact that Yui can, in fact, bring harm. And has? 

And yet, despite believing these things, despite internalizing that abuse to the extent that he cannot see anything else - his resolve still crumbles. Shinae has such an effect on him that I think deserves to be talked about, because she sees him when others don’t, she cares for him when others are accustomed to him caring for them, she picks up on these little things without being fully aware of them and in turn, Nol cannot help but want to stay close to pull her closer. And that’s exactly why he has to distance himself from her, from his friends - but we know the harder he struggles, the harder it becomes to maintain his resolve. 

I’m a sucker for it! I love watching the war on his face, the expressions that shift, the way he tries to weasel out of situations and ultimately fail because he can’t very well tell her to her face that he can’t be close to her, that he can’t stay her friend. But because he can never draw that boundary, he keeps moving the line in the sand. It doesn’t matter; he always fails in the end. 

This dynamic begins really early in! Shinae I think we could argue some other earlier moments also quality, but for this I want to specifically focus on post-formal moments, because I think what I love especially about this dynamic is that Nol has given Kousuke his word, has determined that he put Shinae in danger by taking interest in her and engaging in an indulgent friendship, and that for the sake of protecting her from further harm (and also due to his feelings of guilt) he needs to keep his distance and ease out of his friendship with her. 

But post-formal it’s not so easy. Shinae has gone from trying to fend him off to a stick to openly expressing concern for him. She now takes a leaf out his book and reaches out to him - over and over and over. 

It would be easy to not call her back. Catch up later and casually brush her off that he had a big family thing, that he fell asleep early. And yet, in the end, he fails and he winds up returning her call. Even though it’s a call for her reassurance, it’s just as much a call for him, taking in her concern for him, that little admission that maybe he is the villain like they think. He has a way of slipping up with Shinae, always confessing something real. She disarms him as much as she pulls him in and GOD I cannot help but adore this dynamic! 

Another thing that goes hand in hand with this dynamic is that not only does Nol struggle to maintain that distance and create a berth of space between them, but he also continues to struggle to not go above and beyond for her. Shinae isn’t good at accepting favors or letting people do things for them, and I think if she knew that he completely took the blame for her tardiness in addition to going out of his way to go pick her up, she probably would get pretty annoyed. But as it stands, he does exactly that - not only takes the blame, but goes out of his way to pick her up. 

It’s something about his expression after their call, when he looks like he’s torn on what to do, or perhaps torn on what is the best option? Torn on knowing that part of him has already made up his mind he’ll go to her even though he’s trying to convince himself he shouldn’t? He struggles with her at all times and ultimately she always has that effect on him - he just is unable to make himself resist, to NOT go to her, to NOT help her. 

(It’s like when he gets mad at how Kousuke is treating her as an employee and calls him out on it! It’s things he doesn’t need to do, but it’s the fact that he can’t help it that betrays how much he cares, how much she affects him, how much he is unable to just walk away.) 

Nol definitely seems aware of this, too. The moment he gives her the opportunity, he won’t be able to push that distance, so he tries to take advantage in the moments he can. Finding Shinae in the locker room leaves him the opportunity to sneak out, but unfortunately for him she takes notice of him and stops him in his tracks. Part of it is, of course, what he told Kousuke - that he can’t just suddenly cut her off without explaining why, and it’s difficult to ease things when she’s the one who keeps reaching out now, keeps grabbing on to him.

But again, we see that his undoing is that he cares. He’s never seen her like this and she’s willing to actually open up and talk about what’s bothering him? It’s so unlike her! (I love him telling her she has to use words because he can’t help her otherwise lol) 

But what this moment demonstrates is, again, just one of my favorite parts - even when he TRIES to distance himself - he angles himself away from her, body turned away - he always ends up angled right back in. Nol and Shinae have this magnetic draw with each other and even when he makes the effort to turn away from her, he can’t help but be drawn back in, angle right back in to her. It’s something really fun to take note of when you reread, watching the way they just veer in towards each other, drift towards each other.

I’m sure he isn’t aware of it. She sure doesn’t seem to be! It’s just gravitational. Where she is, he will move towards. Where he is, she will drift towards. Their body language conveys that closeness! 

For MANY reasons, the moment they share after work, before Shinae starts her shift at the Wac is one of my FAVORITES. I always feel like it’s the clearest representation of this dynamic, too, of how Nol tries to point himself away, tries to push that distance, but he can’t and he even admits why! Nothing will stop him from caring - she has just wormed her way into his life, wormed her way into his heart. He cares about what happens to her, how she’s treated, how she’s doing, how she’s feeling. He cares and he can’t just stop being her friend! He cares and he can’t just pretend he doesn’t. 

It must take a lot of effort for him to consciously be aware of this - having to be conscious about turning away from her, of creating that space that’s so hard maintain. 

None of it was supposed to be real to matter and yet here he is, helpless against her, unable to stop himself from caring. 

To Nol’s credit, we do see him trying to make more effort - but also to his credit, the harder he tries to pull away, the harder Shinae fights. It’s funny and kind of ironic, because he’s one of the reasons she’s trying so hard. He’s the one who has helped her see value in herself and to open up and rely on others, and as a result, she’s practicing all of her new friend skills on him. How is he supposed to keep pushing her away when she’s literally calling him out (because she now knows him well enough to do that!) AND she’s making him talk through things. 

Shinae doesn’t want another Alyssa repeat and she’s not going to let Nol get away with just pulling away without an explanation. What else can he do? 

I like that’s really surprised he actually stayed - he could have faked a call from Nana that he had to head home, could have found some other excuse. But she demanded he would wait and he gave her his word. 

I love them ;A; 

Time and time again, she disarms him. Time and time again his resolve is put to the test and fails when it concerns his feelings, how much he cares, what kind of significance she has to him. Shinae saying out loud that their friendship must not have meant anything being the trigger that makes him finally act on what he always denies himself - a hand reaching out to her over and over that never makes contact, that he always talks himself out of finally making contact and pulling her into that tight, clinging embrace. On the one hand, we know it began as fake, that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything and certainly not to him.

But we know it was so real. We know that there was a moment where he went from trying to help Dieter, to trying to help her instead, to befriending her for his own enjoyment. It was all so very real, even if it hurts in the end. It was all so real to him and even if he needs her to be angry at him, even if he (thinks he) needs to walk away and leave all of this behind, he still can’t bear to have her think none of it meant anything, none of it was real, none of it mattered when it mattered so much to him. When it mattered so much that he finally embraced her!!!!!!! 

EVEN IN THIS MOMENT! HIS RESOLVE CRUMBLES. And though he’s able to pull himself together enough to do what he set out to do, let’s not forget that it was only because he was reminded her of injury, of what he believes was the culmination of him befriending someone and pulling them into the nightmare wake he leaves where he goes. It was only because he was reminded that she could have been another life taken from him that he was able to walk away. 

(And yknow. Proceeded to retch as a result. alfjakfjkafjkafjk) 

He goes as far as blocking Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, because he knows he’ll cave. Because he can’t bear to see their messages, to ignore their calls, to see how much they are trying how hard they are fighting and reaching out, because just like when Shinae questioned if any of it was real, he knows he’ll cave. He has to implement a means of denying himself access to them, to nearly physically block them out. 

And yet, in that moment, at a party he doesn’t want to be at on a day he doesn’t want to exist on the eve of him serving time for a crime he doesn’t deserve, he goes and looks at his spam. 

He knows what’s in there waiting for him. He knows what he’s going to see.

He still does it, anyway. 

And there she is, a message received just now about feelings he feels but thinks he isn’t allowed that he shouldn’t have. 

I love this pathetic man, please I need more. 

He tries SO hard, even after hearing Shinae’s unprompted love soliloquy heartfelt sentimental explanation of what Nol means to her, to turn his back, but he can’t. 

His mother’s words are right there, and though they aimed for Rand, they come to land with him. The world can’t punish you forever. Does he not deserve their love, their friendship, the people who matter to him? Does he not deserve to be left alone by the world, to live his life as much as anyone else?

Even when everything he fears lingers over him - he’ll regret this because nothing good comes of indulging, because nothing good comes from letting them in because not only does it put them in danger but it makes it harder and harder for him. 

Like, not to be cheesy but we already know I am so - every time he lets them down, every time he breaks their hearts, he breaks his own, too. 

There’s no more fighting it. There’s only them and an empty hospital room, and a rare of sense of peace and calm, his head on her shoulder, finding comforting (literally) leaning on someone for once. For one moment, he grants himself an opportunity to stop trying to be so strong, to give in to seeking comfort. 

When she reassures him he’s not at Hirahara Memorial and he actually turns his face in towards the crook of her neck? Allowing himself to indulge in this peace in this comfort in this warmth?

GODDDDDDDD I love it he deserves it I want MORE  

And just like that, he’s no longer fighting. I’m including these even though it’s not really a “Nol tried to refrain and failed in the end” because a. we deserve them and b. I think by virtue of Nol acting on his desires and indulging in what he wants while Soushi and Dieter are sleeping in the bed on the other side of them counts enough for this list. Because refraining is no longer on the brain. Because everything Shinae does disarms him and he can’t even pretend to keep the wall up anymore. 

Shinae gets so embarrassed about giving him her gift because she feels like it pales compared to what Dieter did, but probably also because there is a sense of sentimentality to it as well, and it doesn’t miss Nol. It’s the fact that it’s their Orange of Fate, what she drew on his face, and the words she uttered when they first met that have now been taken back. 

It’s how he went from being told all people suck that she wants no friendship to chasing him outside of his school and fighting so hard for him, calling and texting and trying to reach him, it’s how she took advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself to tell him how she feels and what he means and she got so shy about him seeing this gift and it strikes him so much because he knows what he means to her and she means it, too, she’s that special to him, too

And the hand that earlier in the night reached for the spot she denied him does it once again and this time his fingers are in her hair, this time he’s so close in her space, this time he doesn’t deny himself what he wants and what he wants is to be so close to her, what he wants is to stay in this dream as long as he possibly can 

And the most indulgent of them all. 

Let’s not pretend this is not for him. Let’s not pretend this is the most indulgently he’s ever acted on what he wants. Shinae outrules fullbody dancing and he’s like oh bet? lmaoooooo 

He wants the dance. He wanted it back in Minhyuk’s room before Kousuke showed up and everything went to hell. He wants it now and he’s acting on it. There’s no reason - present in his mind lol - for him to refuse what he wants. 

He has refrained SO MUCH. He has refrained for SO LONG. So many times he reached out to her. The dance offer at the Kim formal that Kousuke stared him down into rejecting. Every time he’s felt suffocated by the weight of the world, by the burden of the guilt he carries, by the inherent belief that he’s a monster incapable of providing good, every time he’s been reminded he only brings people pain, every little moment that reminds him he doesn’t deserve any of the things he seeks out, the enjoyment he indulges in. So much of it has weighed him down and in that moment he acts on it

on what he wants

on what he needs

on what he feels 

He acts on the feelings that she is special that she brings him comfort that he wants and wants when she’s in his proximity

He acts on the dream from which he’s afraid to wake and he asks her to dance with him

Despite his back injury. Despite the whole night reminding him that pain follows him wherever he goes. Despite their friends sleeping just a bed over. 

He gives in and he indulges. 

Honorable mention goes to Nol staying outside Shinae’s door at Hirahara Memorial, despite this being a place of trauma and fear for him, despite how much he hates hospitals, despite Kousuke sending him away. It gets honorable mention because I acknowledge part of what compels him to stay outside her door is that he feels so guilty and he needs to see/know for himself that she’s okay - but I think it still counts because of just how compelling it is for him. That this is a person he has grown to care about so much already, a person who we now know he literally is alive for/because, since it was only when he saw her in the pool that he determined he couldn’t stay down there and had to return to the surface to save her, to carry on as Yeonggi for a little longer. 

He stays outside her hospital room because he can’t help it.

He could go home, he could change out of his damp clothes, he could crawl into bed and try to forget this whole nightmare of a night, if only for a few hours, but instead he stays outside her room, unable to leave. 

At every opportunity, Nol is so compelled by Shinae. 

He cannot deny her. 

If Shinae wants it, he will ultimately yield it to her like he has his heart.

I’m being good and not including anything from 231 but JUST YOU WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW UP, especially those of you who don’t fast pass. JUST YOU WAIT.