#doesn't help that I'm in a depressive episode

[tentglitch]

I'm crashing tf out grandson

[missmisdemeanor]

i can't even write about being miserable so what's the point anymore

[kitchensinksurrealism]

that period of time between south park post covid being announced in 2021 to summer 2022 when everyone got obsessed with truffula flu was moderately heavenly

[dreams-and-honor]

MMMMWATCHA SAYYYYY

[peony-pearl]

Got prescribed some new meds for a while everyone wish me luck

[quitedisastrous]

my mom told me i almost got diagnosed with autism as a kid (she says i wasn't officially diagnosed because the diagnosis wouldn't have been useful so i guess my symptoms were so on the fence that they didn't push for it) which. like i'm 100% sure i have autism but holy mackerel. she couldn't have told me this as a kid???? it's a good thing i'm both logical and oblivious so i didn't spend too much time thinking "something is wrong with me. what the fuck is wrong with me" but like. what the fuck?

[womanicdepressive-remade]

I really want to make feminist/woman-centered art but I feel like I'm just such a fundamentally non-creative person and it bums me out): I see women's art on here (and elsewhere, obv) and it moves and touches and inspires me and makes me want to create with such spirit too, but I just don't seem to have that kind of capacity for creative ideas, like in general.

[nanabanonana]

never fails that whenever i get insecure, i suddenly want a beta. wish i didn't have to keep telling myself to get over it and just Do.

i'm this fcking close 🤏 to asking my wife if she'll read 23K, half of which is the same stuff only written w different scenes, but i know she's usually not up for it, so i'm trying to refrain.

i just need to get to the part where i decide i'm keeping the new direction bc undoing everything i changed is too much bother and i Changed It In The First Place Because It Wasn't Working As Is!

god, pancho, get fcking over yourself already.

[totallyxtaurus]

Depollute me, gentle angel pt.2

Summary: Sylus is away on a business trip while you sink deeper into your depressive episode. Pairing: Sylus x gn reader Genre: Angst, some fluff (maybe, hopefully!) Trigger Warnings: depression, mental health struggles, anxiety, self-neglect, and hints of suicide. A/N: I hope this doesn't feel too rushed! I'm still trying to figure out a good pacing of how I should break these up without them being too long or too short. Posted too quickly or not quick enough, so any advice would be very welcomed and appreciated! I hope I did Sylus justice with his responses, I just took what I would want to hear essentially. But, Hozier's Wasteland, Baby! album is so Sylus coded. I got so many ideas for other fics, so stay tuned! And again, please please please take sweet care of yourselves! 💗

Prev

The chime echoes through the apartment, and for a moment there’s nothing. No footsteps, no shuffle of movement inside. Sylus exhales, fingers softly tapping on the doorframe while he waits. He already knows. He had known the moment communication stopped, when his calls went to voicemail, when even the short, tired texts faded into silence. At first, he assumed you were just busy, needing space. But the longer he waited, the clearer it became—if it were up to you, you wouldn’t come back at all. He began doing his own investigation, looking up the traits you portrayed usually compared to these moments of time and he found his answer. So, he started paying attention. Comparing your usual habits to these stretches of absence. Watching for the patterns. Having Mephisto follow you to your therapist’s office had only confirmed what he already suspected.

As advised, he gave you time—three days, exactly. Then the calls began, gentle and steady, each one a quiet pull back to him. Each time, he waited for you to let him in, to say something. But instead, he got excuses. Busy with work. Out with friends. His personal favorite: just sleeping. It’s almost amusing, how you seem to forget he has your location. He always knows where you are. 

Sylus toys with the key in his hand, should he, or shouldn’t he? Would this cross a line? You had given this to him for an emergency, wouldn’t this be considered one? It has been a full week without hearing from you. He never lets it go this long but work held him up so he couldn’t do his usual routine. He continued to ponder the ethics of his decision until he heard it, movement. A sign of life behind the door that still won’t open up for him. That’s it, he decides and inserts the key. 

As the door swings open, a gust of stale air hits him, thick with stillness. His eyes immediately scan the space, searching for the life he just heard. But as he steps inside, it’s clear- the main rooms haven’t been touched in days, especially the kitchen. He moves toward the bedroom when the bathroom door suddenly swings open. 

Both of you freeze, staring at one another in shock. 

For a moment, he just looks at you. Taking in the hollowed eyes, the tangled hair, the way your clothes sit wrong on you—looser in some places, clinging in others— like they were meant to fit differently but now just hang, like an afterthought. His chest tightens—not in disgust, never that— but in a quiet, constrained ache. He swallows it down, he knows letting you see that pain won’t help. Instead, he inhales, careful, and controlled. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, he hears it. 

Get out 

The words reach him, but his mind trips over them, grasping for meaning. 

For a second, all Sylus processes is the sound of your voice—hoarse, unsteady, faint, as if it took all your energy to speak at all. His mind is still trying to catch up, to piece everything together. But that’s when he really sees you. The way you stand there stiffly, eyes shining with unshed tears, flickering to anything that isn't him. As if meeting his gaze would break your resolve. The tension in your jaw, arms crossed tightly over your chest, shoulders hunched forward, as if you’re shielding yourself from him. And then he sees it—fear. Shame. They were there all along, laced with the exhaustion and neglect. Deeply settled, lingering long before he walked in the door. He had been so focused on finding you, making sure you were safe, that he hadn’t realized—you didn’t want to be found. Not like this. 

The tightness in his chest twisting further, a quiet reminder of his mistake. Instead, he exhales in that same rehearsed way.

"Sweetie," he tries again. His voice was low, full of gentleness. Less of a greeting, more of a reassurance. He’s not going anywhere. 

You just shake your head, a silent refusal, as if willing for him to disappear. Your stance is firm, guarded. But Sylus isn't someone who retreats at the first sign of a challenge. Especially not when it's you. 

"I know kitten, I know you don't want me to see you like this. And I know you think that pushing me away will make everything easier for you, for me. But it won't, it hasn't. You don't have to do this alone." 

He sees the tears start to fall, a quiet surrender that he takes as a response. Without hesitation, he continues, his voice softer but unwavering.

Taking a small step forward, slow yet deliberate as he speaks, "Just focus on me for a second, okay? Forget about everything else, it's just us. Can you breathe with me, my love?" As he demonstrates with measured, even breaths. Never forcing, just offering, hoping it will bring your attention back to the present instead of whatever thoughts you're trapped in.

He notices the way your hunched shoulders drop, relaxing slightly, and how your clenched arms finally loosen their grip on your body. He continues to encourage you, taking slow, careful steps closer. 

"You don’t have to do anything big. I’m not here with any expectations. Why don’t we just sit down? We don’t have to talk, I’ll just sit with you, if that’s okay." His voice is soft, low, coaxing. 

Sylus notices the immediate shift in your demeanor as you register his close proximity-the shield coming back as your body goes rigid once again. You close back in on yourself and take a step back. 

You should go. I stink and I'm sure I look horrific; you mutter as your hand comes up to your face to shield it. His heart pangs, but he doesn't let his expression falter. He can't afford to let you see how much it hurts him that you're hiding from him like this. He takes another small step closer, never pushing, just allowing the space between the both of you to remain as it is. He doesn't want to make you feel trapped, but he wants to show you, prove to you, that he's not leaving.

"Kitten," his voice steady and carrying a weight of reassurance deeper than words can convey. "I'm not leaving. If I wanted to, I would. You know I don't do things I don't want to. But I'm here, for however long you want me around. I'm yours." 

You scoff, shaking your head, still refusing to meet his gaze. "Why?" you ask, voice cracking. "Look at me, smell me, Sylus. Jesus Christ I'm disgusting. Why would you want to stay? Are you nuts?" 

"It's been suggested," he cuts in, his tone remaining gentle yet firm. Finally, you look up at him, and the anger in your gaze takes him by surprise but he holds his ground. 

"You just don't get it," you emphasize, your words sharp and full of frustration. "What's there to get?" he wonders but doesn't dare to speak it. "Sweetie," he says tenderly, "if this is you at your worst, then I've suffered far worse than this. You think I haven't smelled, or hit rock bottom before? When I did-or if I do sometime in the future, would you leave me? Would you push me away" 

"Don't be ridiculous," you say, your voice tinged with exasperation. His lips quirk into a soft smirk, his eyes never leaving yours.  

"Can I hold your hand?" he whispers, watching you closely, waiting for your response. You hesitate, then barely nod, just enough for him to catch it. He takes your hand in his, lifting it gently to his lips and pressing a soft kiss on the back of it.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches the way your face scrunches up, a grimace of discomfort, but the smile on his lips remains warm and unwavering. 

"How about this," he continues, "I'll make you something small to eat. You don't have to finish it. Just one bite. No pressure."  

You pause, your mind working through his offer. Until, after a moment, your shoulders sag in defeat, and with a sigh, you agree. Your hand still secured in his, he leads you to the kitchen, placing another kiss on the top of your head before turning to the fridge to pull out what little food there is. 

"After we eat, can you shower with me?" The words barely escape your lips, so faint that for a moment he's unsure he heard them. He looks at you, hoping his love for you radiates in his gaze.

"Of course," he replies, his voice steady and sure. "Whatever you want, my dove." He watches as the faintest of smiles flicker across your face, the kind of smile he's willing to wait for, no matter how long it takes. 

Tag list: @withering-dream @madam8 @t4naiis @sunhooniez

[reginalusus]

Just a sketch that I was too tired to finish... And since it's Father's Day I'm just gonna dump a bunch of my more silly (mostly) headcanons about their dynamic below, teehee.

General - They argue. A lot. About anything. Jason is the instigator. Harvey is almost always correct. - There has been a karaoke battle at some point. - They smoke far too much and smoke breaks are common occurrences during anti-hero outings. They are no longer mere breaks; they are rituals. - One of the only things they are comfortable openly bonding over is their alleged hatred of Bruce - and weapons. - Actually work very well together in combat. Jason's accurate, hard-hitting martial arts expertise and agility compliment Harvey's more elegant and violent approach. Gotham's scumbags are cooked. - They were both slain by Gotham, and reborn. They are now both living their second life - neither want to admit to each other that they find comfort that they're not alone in this. - They will take any opportunity to bring up each other's past interactions; the two-toned car, the two-story building fiasco, the kidnapping, anything. - Jason's biological father is the root cause of their most explosive, brutal fights. Both of them, however, are exhausted and have other shit to worry about, so they avoid this topic as best as they can.

Jason's POV - Teases Harvey about twos, duality and doubles to distract from the horrors. - When angry, will call Harvey 'Apollo' to piss him off. Sometimes it's 'Ex-District Attorney', with emphasis on the 'Ex'. - He doesn't like it very much when Harvey attempts to get close/connect with him; relationships are transactional. At least that's how Jason views them. - Hates being passenger in Harvey's car because he doesn't get any say over the radio. - He does view Harvey as a parental figure, or something like it, but he's conflicted. - Actually appreciates it when Harvey helps him through PTSD episodes. - Sadly, he isn't very good at helping Harvey through dissociation/depressive episodes yet. He sort of stands there like the man emoji. - Will randomly come out with courtroom related lines when Harvey does something bad, like: "Your honour, my client would like to plead Gemini," or "Your honour, in my client's defence, he didn't know the safety lock was off." - Makes jokes about Harvey's thugs all wanting to have 'a night' with Harvey. - Absolutely refuses to call Harvey "dad", even jokingly. He will have sightseen everything in Hell before that happens. - But at the same time he cries out for a father figure, one that is proud of him, that loves him. He secretly loves it when Harvey pats his shoulder or gives an approving nod.

Harvey's POV - Will make jokes about Jason being alive again to distract from the horrors. - When angry, calls Jason 'Robin' or 'Pup' (name of a baby bat) to piss him off. - Tries to bond with Jason - he *wants* to - but he's a big dumbass about it. - Does not understand Jason's music taste and doesn't have any desire to. - Views Jason as the child he never had the chance to have. In a sense, that makes him quite protective of Jason, but he hides this. He tries desperately not to be like his own father. - Is quite good at understanding Jason's emotions; he knows how to deal with his attacks and does, begrudgingly, use tips he learned from his previous therapists. - Doesn't wish to burden Jason with his own episodes. Unfortunately it's not always possible to hide them. - Just as Jason tortures him with puns, Harvey will do it right back. He'll come out with things like, "We only put up with you because you were the SECOND Robin," or "How would you like to die a second time?" - He will stand and stare awkwardly when Jason brings (sneaks) lovers back to the hideout. But he minds his business. - May have accidentally called Jason his son a few times. Or his "kid". But not to Jason directly, only in his talks between himself and Two-Face. - He likes seeing Jason happy. So many kids and young people are let down by Gotham's corruption and he'll be damned if Jason becomes a victim of it (again).

[seungcheorry]

a/n: mentions of depression, symptoms of depression and/or struggles with mental health

hansol knows. he knows, and you might tell yourself he doesn't just so you don't have yet another thing to think about and damn yourself over it; but yeah, he knows.

the first sign was you stopping to hang out with your friends. it could have been weeks since the last time you saw them and went to that restaurant you loved so much, but still when your phone rang you told them you were tired - even though that was your day off.

then, hansol noticed how you started to get horny all the time. sometimes he could have just walked into your place, saying a brief 'hi' before you were all over him. at first he liked, god knows how he loves loving you - but it started to get too much, so he started to decline your moves and actually tried to talk to you about it. you waved him off, of course, clearly annoyed.

and then he noticed how you got angry or annoyed or just generally irritated all the time. the rice you just cooked didn't turn out the way you wanted, so you cursed at everything. you couldn't find the shirt you were looking for, so you snapped at hansol when he tried to help you. he asked you why you haven't been eating, and you turned that simple question into a whole fight.

"babe...", hansol says one day, carefully approaching you. he expects you to pull away - like you have been doing lately -, but he's glad when you don't. "i think it's time to see a therapist again, maybe go to the psychiatrist?"

you look at him, and your eyes aren't angry or sad - they're tired. tired because, once again, you found yourself in that endless path of struggling with yet another depressive episode.

"i'm fine", you automatically say, but your eyes get glossy when hansol shakes his head.

"you're not. and it's okay, you're allowed not to be fine. it's just a relapse, i don't know... it's not your fault."

and he means it, because he has seen how hard you've been working all these years to keep your disorder at check, and he's proud of how far you managed to go.

but if it's time to take a break and ask for help again, then be it. no shame in that.

"let's schedule an appointment for you tomorrow, okay? i'll go with you if you want to."

you nod, suddenly hugging hansol and burying your face on his neck as you fight your tears. if he could, hansol would have taken all your pain and emptiness away by now, stepped on it, and thrown at the deepest sea this planet has. it kills him that he can't do that.

"you're gonna be fine", he promises you. "it's all good."

and you believe him.

[murderbot-moodboard]

I have watched the Episode 7 three times, and naturally I have some thoughts:

- Okay, Gurathin officially has the coolest backstory I can imagine for his character. Being a former corporate spy has so many implications for who he is and what he's capable of. It explains why he's been suspicious this whole time (apparently from the moment they acquired a SecUnit) that Murderbot could be working with the Company to hurt the Preservation team. It also explains why he was suspicious of LeeBeeBee from the beginning and saw through all her attempts to get him and the others to reveal information.

- Interestingly, the rest of PresAux knows this about him, but Murderbot doesn't, which would seem to fit with the books, as I'm fairly certain Murderbot would've mentioned it somewhere if it knew Gurathin was a former corporate spy. (We could also discuss in-world reasons why Murderbot might not mention it, but I'll leave that for fanfic writers to explore.)

- Gurathin's relationship to Mensah also makes a lot more sense from his backstory. He was desperate, broken, and essentially enslaved, with no one to turn to, and she forgave him and helped him get asylum in Preservation Alliance, which had to be an involved and risky process. She was his only friend for a while, and knowing Mensah, she would've stuck with him and done whatever she could to support him through all the ups and downs (including withdrawal from his corporation's proprietary drugs).

It makes sense that Gurathin would see Mensah as a rare stabilizing force in his life. She's someone he's terrified of losing, to the point that he'd go on a survey with her in the Corporation Rim rather than let her out of sight into the dangers he narrowly escaped. Even if it means putting himself in a situation likely to trigger reminders of his past trauma and addiction and tempt him to relapse. He's fallen in love with Mensah, but his feelings are largely because of who she was to him at the lowest point in his life, and because he's become emotionally dependent on her during his addiction and trauma recovery and his integration into a foreign culture in adulthood. His going into Mensah's room to cry over her pillow, an action Murderbot misinterpreted and classified as creepy and depressing, seems to indicate rather that Gurathin doesn't think he can continue to function if he loses her.

- Okay, now that we've discussed the big reveal, I want to note that this episode made me fall even more in love with all of PreservationAux and Murderbot. After several episodes of the team being separated into groups, we get to see them all working together during an emergency. And PresAux works together really well as a team—as long as they're not being shot at by hostile SecUnits. PresAux and Murderbot... still not quite working as a team yet, but they're making an attempt.

Adding a readmore because this is quickly becoming a long post:

- I love how Bharadwaj and Gurathin basically hang out together and take care of each other for most of the episode. In past episodes, they've both seemed unwilling to admit to the rest of the team that they're struggling and need support. But with Gurathin being shot in the leg and Bharadwaj shaken by the betrayal and violent death of someone she'd cared about, I think they've both lost some of their ability to pretend they're fine. They also seem to find comfort and usefulness in looking out for each other, and possibly a distraction from their own problems that's helping them cope. Either way, the casual physical closeness is very sweet, and shows at least one way Gurathin has become more integrated with Preservation culture.

- Before I forget, I went back and replayed several times that moment in the habitat where PresAux steps back from Murderbot, and I noted two things: (1) Mensah only barely steps back, and she looks slightly cautious and evaluative rather than afraid while doing so, and (2) Gurathin, who is sitting on a box, does not step back, but just moves sideways into a more upright position no longer resting his weight on his arm, and could possibly be trying to get in front of Bharadwaj?

- In the crisis situation of this episode, Mensah really embodies her role as team leader, acting as a source of calm and decisiveness when her team needs her to be. I felt like she showed a new level of steady confidence, and I think it's partly because she's rising to the occasion for her team as a good leader does, but also because she now understands the kind of ally they have in Murderbot. Murderbot is an ally who would literally cut out pieces of its body to get them out of danger. She also gets to share the burden of command with a consultant who understands combat and the dangers facing them better than any of the team, and who has saved them several times so far. Her understanding of Murderbot as a person gives her new confidence in communicating with it and new insight in how to persuade it to work with the team, even if the insight isn't perfect.

- Let me just say, the scene with Murderbot being grown over with branches was haunting. It's true to the things Murderbot fantasizes about doing in the books, and it's also a great example of what depression can look like. There was discussion on Discord about how this is essentially suicidal ideation but Murderbot is unlikely to recognize that. It's also reflective of an aspect of depression that doesn't always get attention: the feeling of wanting to just never have to move again.

- I love that Pin-Lee got lots of time this episode to voice their opinions and suggest courses of action for the team. In my opinion, most of the characters felt like they had come closer to their book portrayal in this episode, and this was especially true of Pin-Lee. Their strategic thinking and assertiveness was evident throughout the episode. I also internally cheered when they said they wanted to sue the shit out of the whole Corporation Rim—that's our lawyer Pin-Lee!

- Arada nerding out over the worms was so funny and endearing, and definitely reminded me of other people I've known who are very passionate about their field of expertise. And it seems very in character for Arada to think LeeBeeBee was bluffing about killing them all.

- Ratthi was hilarious this episode, and came across as someone who tries to use charisma to charm his way through new or uncomfortable situations, in order to hide the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing and is making it up as he goes. It's worked enough times that it's become his main coping strategy, even when it's not a very effective one.

- Poor Bharadwaj was really not having a good time this episode. She's clearly still having a hard time with what happened to LeeBeeBee, and still angry with Murderbot for it. And then the worms show up! Her extremely repulsed facial expressions made it pretty clear she'd rather be anywhere but near those things.

- Something interesting I noticed this episode was the way Gurathin sometimes blinks while his eyes roll back in his head. I'd noticed it at least once before, in that scene where Murderbot doesn't strangle him (which I watched on loop a few times thanks to gifs by some lovely people), but I'd thought it was just a fear response or something. In this episode, though, especially a couple times during the flashback scene, Gurathin's eyes definitely did the same thing. So now I'm thinking it might have something to do with his augments. There was also discussion on Discord of whether the reason Gurathin's condition seemed to deteriorate quickly had anything to do with his augments. I have no idea, but it occurred to me to wonder if immunosuppression is necessary for augmentation (like it is sometimes currently for organ transplants), and if that would interfere with his body's ability to heal or fight infection.

Okay, I think I've covered all the things I wanted to cover that other people haven't already covered. This episode was chock full of good character moments, y'all!

[stevesgother]

Give me Steddie where Eddie's having a depressive episode and his best friend Steve (who he definitely does not have feelings for and who does not have feelings for Eddie) comes over to check on him and finds him in a complete state of disrepair.

Eddie's curled in on himself atop his bed, tangled in his duvet. He hasn't even been able to bring himself to drag his tired body to the living room to rot there instead; anything he's eaten in the past week was brought to his room and all but force fed to him by Wayne.

And Steve-- who knows he gets like this every year around the anniversary of his mother's passing despite him having been young enough to barely remember it-- makes his way to the Munson trailer equipped with an arsenal of tender love and care.

His knocks go unanswered, obviously. So, he lets himself in.

The trailer is dead quiet; dust floats in the beams of late-afternoon light that filter in from the windows. He knows exactly where to find his friend.

Steve pushes into Eddie's bedroom shoulder-first, "Hey, champ."

"Don't call me that." Eddie mutters, voice muffled with annoyance and where his mouth presses into his decade old, flat-as-board pillow.

"Sorry- would you prefer 'buddy'? Or maybe 'greaseball'?" Steve sets down the grocery bag of random shit he brought on Eddie's desk, "I think I like greaseball."

Steve's aware that the only way to penetrate Eddie's exterior when he's like this is with humor. But Eddie's not laughing, despite his shoulders shaking.

"Oh, dude- I'm sorry, man. I was just messing around," Steve assures him, rushing to sit by his side on the edge of Eddie's bed.

"I know," Eddie sniffles, congested.

Hesitantly, Steve pulls the covers off of Eddie's limp body, skin so pale you could see the blue outlines of his veins, despite it being the middle of July already. Eddie had always been a beautiful shade of milky quartz, but this was something different entirely.

When Eddie shifts, he can see the knot of tangled hair at the crown of his head; can smell the body odor that only comes from days of rotting in your bed. Steve doesn't mind though, doesn't even flinch.

"Don't- I'm gross." Eddie protests when Steve tries to touch him.

"Don't care," Steve waves, "Let's get you in the shower though, yeah?"

A fresh round of tears begins to well in the corners of Eddie's eyes, "I can't. I don't feel like I can."

"It's okay, I'll help." Steve tells him without a second thought, like that's what he was planning on doing anyway whether Eddie felt strong enough or not.

Eddie's brows marry, "Like, in the shower?" He asks with an air of incredulity.

"Why not? We're both guys, it's not weird. You can wear swim trunks if you feel more comfortable."

So that's how they end up in the shower, both naked as the day they were born, because that's normal for buddies to do, right? If Eddie were less depressed, maybe he'd be more embarrassed. If Steve were less concerned for Eddie's wellbeing, maybe he'd be more turned on. They will not talk about this later.

Steve's fingernails scratch soothingly through Eddie's scalp, massaging the shampoo as thoroughly as possible; he doesn't know if he'll ever have this opportunity again, and he wants to make Eddie feel good. Always.

His fingers comb the knots out of his long black curls, coating them with cedar scented conditioner. Steve's never been so privy to Eddie's smell before. In the foggy shower, he's surrounded by it-- like a cloud of his greatest desire.

After a while, it seems the energy it's taking to hold his head upright is more than Eddie possess. He rests his forehead tentatively against Steve's damp shoulder, breathes deep when he realizes Steve isn't pushing him away.

The contrary, actually. Steve pulls him in closer, wraps his solid arms around Eddie's frail frame and rubs circles into his back where the soap runs down the notches in his spine.

"I love you, Teddy." Steve speaks softly into Eddie's ear. The only person Eddie allows to call him that. The only person who's ever wanted to.

"I love you, too."

[lilibrownlabonita]

Teeth-Robert Reynolds x reader

Summary: Bob can't brush his teeth. Warning: Depressive episodes, destructive habits, self-hatred, emotional breakdown and everything that's bad about depression. Work count: ~4k A/n: For a change, English is not my native language.

Bob sometimes doesn't want to brush his teeth. He's embarrassed to admit that he's gone more than a week without washing his face, using a toothbrush... and washing his body.

It's part of everyday life to fight self-sabotage, but Bob now feels pressured to keep hygiene to a minimum. What if you could smell the flour mixed with the milk from the pancakes he ate this morning? What if his hair was stuck to his forehead, dripping with grease, and he accidentally kissed your lips and made a mess of your face? If his body, which sweat easy, pushed you away in disgust?

Although it was uncomfortable to feel this pressure of false judgment from you, false because he knew, deep down, that you would never judge his habits, he still thought you deserved a boyfriend who was minimally clean, so every day he made a point of it. He made a point of cleaning his teeth and sometimes, when he was feeling strong enough, flossing, he made a point of showering at least once a day, he even combed his hair before seeing you.

At first it was difficult, he remembers crying as he stared at himself in the sink mirror, getting up the courage to pick up an orange plastic toothbrush with white details on the sides and white and blue bristles in the middle.

What an idiot, he thinks now, it's not that hard, it never was, it's simpler than it looks, but even so, today he doesn't feel like brushing his teeth, he's been sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes, you must be worried, he should get off soon.

He looks at the sink, his back bent and tired, his eyes listless, the toothbrush there, made of blue plastic and white bristles, it seems heavy to him.

Suddenly, a light touch, affectionate even.

"Bob? What's up?"

Your voice sounds from behind the brown door, he wants to answer and say he's fine, he wants to get up and leave the bathroom, kiss you and sleep until tomorrow afternoon, but he can't.

"I'm coming in, okay?"

Then the door opens, you walk in slowly and look at him worriedly, he blinks slowly and tries to say something, anything.

"Do you need help?"

Help?

"I'll help you, okay?"

He frowns and watches you lift the blue toothbrush with ease, putting some fluoride-free toothpaste on the bristles. You turn to him and look at him lovingly.

"Open your mouth, bob."

He winks.

He opens his mouth.

The toothbrush slides across his lips and then lands on his teeth. He tastes the light paste, not as bitter as the others.

As he stands there with his mouth open and you in front of him brushing his teeth, he thinks how lucky he is, lucky that you came into the bathroom and saved his day, that you brushed his teeth and didn't make him think he was disgusting and dirty.

A single tear runs down his cheek, he's so happy, it's a shame he can't say how much, so he forces himself to smile at you.

And you see it. Bob, looking at you with his big, bright eyes, his white lips and his foamy teeth.

You smile at him.

If he could, he'd keep you there forever, the two of you, frozen in time, you looking after him while he looks at you as if you were saving him from himself. And you were.

Instead, he concentrated on gathering his strength and getting up from the toilet. He headed for the sink, spat out the foam from the toothpaste and let you guide a small puddle of water in your hand into his mouth. He took a small mouthful and spat out the water.

"We're done, Bob."

He mentally thanked you for not making him floss.

"... Shall we go to sleep now?" He asked in a whisper, as if the question would bother you in some way.

"Yes, darling." You reply as you lift the blankets and make room for him to lie down.

He walks monotonously over to the bed and lies there in the space you've prepared for him. Bob, curious, watches you cover him and then feels your lips on his forehead. He sees you walk to the other side of the bed and lie down next to him.

The lights coming from the lamps go out, and then it's just you and silence.

"Sorry." He says.

"Why?" you ask.

"Because I can't be normal."

The silence settles in the room, he thinks that the sound of the blankets is you getting out of bed and walking away, leaving him alone, but he feels your hand touching his face, and he realizes that you had only settled down to face him.

"You don't have to be normal, Bob, I like you like this, at your best and at your worst."

He smiles and thinks how lucky he is to have you there, but says nothing.

[mellosdrawings]

what's Leverage (this is an invite to infodump)

Hohoho ok ok ok. Wiki-level infodump incoming!

So, Leverage is a 5 seasons TV show from the early 2010s that has come back in 2021 with a follow-up show called Leverage: Redemption. It is a Robin Hood kind of series in which a group of thieves help poor/honest citizens get back at the rich/powerful who wronged them/stole from them/abused them.

Despite most episodes following the same format, it manages to stay interesting and attention grabbing thanks to its peak attention to details. Everything you see in the episode is a hint for how they get the bad guy, which should be a staple of the police genre but which is particularly well done here.

It's a character focused series, with very interesting development and overarching themes and plots. It also does an amazing work at blurring the line between "good" people and "bad" people. Some good guys are absolute pieces of shit, some bad guys are just down on their luck. Several episodes have the main gang changing plans totally because the "bad" guy they were trying to scam ended up being just another victim, so instead they started offering their help to fight the actual bad guys. Many times the bad guy is a piece of shit but when there needs to be nuance, the job is done incredibly well.

There's also a very purposeful Found Family Trope that's just... great. It's awesome.

Now, I just said it's a very character focused show so I'll have to dive in more into the actual characters. I'll be trying to keep it to the very first episode and remain vague on the rest but there will be some spoilers ahead! Especially so since every single in-show introduction is a masterpiece that I must talk about.

The Mastermind: Nathan "Nate" Ford is the brain of the group. He's an ex-Insurance employee who got fucked over by said insurance company when they refused to pay for his son's medical fees (something I'm sure many US citizens can relate to). He ends up having to work with criminals he has previously hunted down before, which gives him a good overall knowledge of how they all work while his time in the insurance company explains why he knows so many scams.

Despite being the "token good guy" in the first season, I'd say he's the most interesting at first. He's a self destructive genius with a terrible alcohol problem, and that alcohol storyline is just so beautifully handled in the first 2 seasons, I was completely hooked. Starting season 3 the line between honest man and criminal blurs though, as it should considering his activities for the past couple years, so he lost my interest just a bit. Still a very strong character with amazing storylines and a terrible personality.

Among the Found Family Trope, he is the depressed alcoholic father who pushes his kids too far but would still do everything to make sure they come home safe. His arc is literally going from deadbeat dad to the dad that steps up.

The Hacker: Alec Hardison is an early 20 years old sassy chatty black kid who, not content of being one hell of a hacker, is also an amazing grifter who picks up skills on the fly. While the sassy chatty hacker who is the comic relief of the show is a common trope, he's one hell of a charming character who will weaponise everything he has underhand to get away with stuff. Absolute kudos to his actor who was also in his early 20s at the time who regularly offer some of the best performances ever seen on TV. I swear that guy is too good.

His introduction depicts all that in seconds. He's the first thief to appear, already talking his head off and giving his opinion on the technology he's been given for the job. His introductory flashback is interesting as it doesn't show him in the middle of hacking, but instead getting caught by police having fun in a hotel room he stole and giving a Star Wars reference. Just from both of those you flag him as a young easy-going guy who still messes up a bunch.

In the Found Family Trope, he is the youngest child who messes up a lot. He has the most obvious father/child undertone with Nate, and an equally obvious bigger/younger sibling undertone with Eliot.

The Hitter: Eliot Spencer is a thirty something years old man whose job is keeping the rest of the gang safe. When it comes to the hardened ex-military trope, you expect scary brooding man who always avoids being hit while getting rid of his opponents in seconds. That's not quite the case with Eliot. Yes, he gives off scary and brooding vibes, but he actually has the biggest heart of the gang. He's regularly shown being the one who worries the most for others, and there's an ongoing thing about him being the defacto person to go to get help help when you're 18 and under. Eliot has an incredible amount of screentime being soft and helping/protecting children.

Not only that, Eliot isn't some kind of super soldier. He gets hit. A lot. But the point is that he always gets back on his feet to continue the fight. His hitter prowesses come more from the fact that he has a lot of knowledge in the matter, rather than from being a perfect fighter. He also has an underlying theme with self-control and anger issues. Eliot is a character that is constantly annoyed/angry, and who uses fighting as a self-regulating tool.

On top of all that, he's also a good grifter who, when not there to hit people, is there to hit on girls. He's regularly used as eye candy to keep the attention away from the others. He's also (not so) surprisingly low key. Eliot is often described as "hiding his game well", his opponents often underestimating him.

Eliot is the second thief to appear on screen, being asked by Hardison what exactly was his job here and not answering, nailing in the "low key" aspect of him that confuses his opponents. It's reinforced by his introductory flashback which has him sipping coffee while having guns pointed at him, then cutting to the outside of the room so we don't see his skill in action, then back to the room where he's still sipping his coffee, unfazed, while everybody else is K.O. The last part of his introduction comes when he finally shows what he is capable of, appearing out of nowhere to put out of commission several guards who hold Hardison at gunpoint, to which he finally answer to Hardison earlier question of what exactly he was here for, with a smile. That's where you start getting a glimpse of his softer side that is entirely focused on keeping his team safe.

In the Found Family Trope, he is the eldest son. He bullies Hardison at least once per episode (and Hardison fucks him over about as many times too), and is the one who, with Sophie, keeps Nate in check so that he doesn't go overboard. Nate and Eliot have a lot in common and while they are rarely clashing, there is definitely a tension between them.

The Thief: Parker is a (most likely autistic (edit: she is indeed autistic, it's canon)) young woman who loves money and throwing herself off of buildings. She starts off as quirky/weird/off putting until we (and the main gang) start to understand her. She is both the most obvious and the most complex character of the bunch, who unabashedly loves what she does and has a lot of fun with her new partners, all the while having absolutely no idea how to handle interpersonal relationships.

She is the one that grows the most during the show, picking up skills left and right (fighting from Eliot, grifting from Sophie, etc), developing her interpersonal skills and empathy, learning to rely on others and falling in love. Her evolution is just the best and she never gives up her whimsy while developing.

She's the third thief to appear on screen, but she's actually the first one being mentioned! Nate tells his client that "Parker is crazy" before agreeing to take the job. She appears hanging upside down from a rafter, interrupting the boys to ask playfully if she can have an earpiece too, and finally jumping off the building with a joyful yell before Nate can give the go. Then in her introductory flashback, we see her as a young kid, with a terrible family situation, literally blowing up her house after her "father" dared her to become a better thief to get the bunny plushie she wanted. And so you know Parker is the wild card of the team who is actually pretty forthright once you've pinpointed her interests.

In the Found Family Trope, she's the middle child who has... whatever is going on with Hardison and Eliot. While the boys have more obvious family interactions with Nate (the father), Parker mainly has them with Sophie (the mom) who teaches her the most out of everybody. Nate still regularly is there to explain things to her when she's confused, and Eliot teaches her how to bully Hardison (lovingly of course).

The Grifter: Sophie Devereaux is an actress that the gang fetches when their client fucks them over. It's a bit hard to depict her personality like the others because her whole theme is that she has identity issues. As a grifter she has many identities, and she plays them so often that she comes to forget who she even is in the first place. She's a quick witted, caring person who helps tempering Nate and coming up with plans, she's a femme fatale who either seduces or instills fear in her preys, she's the one who puts at ease the clients who come ask the group for help, she's the one who comes up with on the spot solutions when something goes awry and needs an immediate fix, she's the one always at the forefront of the plans keeping the attention on her so the others can do their jobs, etc etc. Sophie is everything and nothing all at once, which makes her a fascinating character that is difficult to explain properly.

She's the last thief to appear on screen, being brought by Nate. She's introduced as a terrible actress, all three thieves being appalled by her prestation on stage while Nate is smiling wildly. Then we get a glimpse of the romantic tension between her and Nate when he asks her for help, and another glimpse at their closeness when the three thieves turn to her when Nate confuses them, only for Sophie to tell them he really hasn't changed. Her introductory flashback focuses on her stealing a painting, being intercepted by Nate, and them both firing at each other. Finally the last part of her introduction comes when she shows off her actual acting talents while grifting the bad guy, startling Hardison who was still worried about her acting skills.

Sophie is introduced with her acting skills and her relationship with Nate instead of her personality or quirks like the other (the only quirk here being that she's a terrible actress on stage but an excellent one when she's grifting), which keeps nailing down her identity crisis.

Since we're on Sophie, I'd like to point out how well the writing team handled the actress being pregnant and needing to stay away from the show for a while. Her reason for being away tapped into her identity crisis, but she still was there to give advices to the others, mainly the "kids". While it was obvious in one episode that they placed the characters and angled the camera to avoid showing she was pregnant, the rest was handled beautifully well.

The show seems very respectful of its actors, to the point it lets them showcase their skills in season 3 like Hardison and Eliot's actors' music prowesses. It also allows them to shine in the filler episodes by having them play other roles, to which they deliver amazing performances (especially Hardison's actor. I'll never shut up about him, he's just perfect).

And yes, that was the time when we still had filler episodes! And they are GREAT! Some of my favorite episodes are filler episodes, like one where the whole gang go over a theft they all accidentally did together years ago, constantly fucking each other over without realising, all from their own perspectives. There are jabs at each other, like Sophie's accent or Eliot being a ladykiller and a terrifying psychopath, but there's also an insane amount of details scattered. One of my favorite being that everybody else saw the head of security carrying a rifle while Eliot was the only one (save Nate) to see it as only a box. It's a minor background detail that the show doesn't even point out, but when I caught it I got super invested in the episode. At first I believed it was because Eliot hates guns and sees them as sticks to beat people up with, but with the last perspective being shown with the "truth", it turned out Eliot was the only one seeing it as a box because it was a box. Eliot would be attuned to the amount of danger the objects around him would pose, and so wouldn't mix up a box for a gun. Once more, it's a background detail but it just ended convincing me that the showrunners care a lot about this show.

Ok I'm officially out of fumes. I think I could go into more if I dove into the actual episodes but I don't want to spoil more than I already did. All in all, great show, handles heavy stuff like addiction and grief and neurodivergency incredibly well without being condescending, scratches a hitch by fucking over powerful people in the most horrendous ways, makes you aware of the kind of scams there are around, etc etc.

It's just one hell of a good show. 10/10 would recommend. I only wish the 5 seasons box set wasn't so expensive, I can't throw that much money in it ToT

ONE LAST THING! If you wanna watch, the seasons are all available on Youtube (US only, get your VPN ready if you're not from there) in the RIGHT ORDER! The first season was aired out of order by the network so you will probably find it in the wrong order online too. It's not much since each episode is mostly contained, but it did make me pause at one point because of consistency issues.

Season 1 link

Season 2 link

Season 3 link

Season 4 link (careful, the Playlist starts with the last episode and finishes with the first. You gotta reverse the order of the Playlist!)

Season 5 link (careful, the Playlist starts with the last episode and finishes with the first. You gotta reverse the order of the Playlist!)

Redemption S1 link (careful, the Playlist starts with the last episode and finishes with the first. You gotta reverse the order of the Playlist!)

You're welcome 😘

[just-b-yourself]

Ginny and Georgia season 3 spoilers

I finished season 3 last night, and wow...Best season so far !!!

Felix Mallard literally ATE this season ! I mean,the way he embodied mental health, depression and addiction was absolutely perfect and heartbreaking. He really did a wonderful job portraying the depth of depression and everything that comes with it. This moment in episode 10 is absolutely heartbreaking !

Max : I felt so bad for Max this season. I wasn't really a big fan of her character last seasons, but I really liked the way they developed her character in season 3. She tried so hard to be there for her friends ( especially for Ginny ) and for her brother and everyone just let her down, saying that she always made everything about her. Yeah, she can be a lot, she can be over dramatic but she really cares. And in the end, she was left all alone. I really think that she may have ADHD or something like that. She suffers from depression too, but she always had to be the happy, joyful girl. So I really hope that next season she will get the love and support that she needs.

Marcus : Always there for everyone, always there to help, to take care of everybody. But he's literally drowning. Seeing him like this was really painful. He always prioritizes everyone else and their feelings above his own and shows up for everyone yet almost everyone failed to recognize how bad he was struggling with his mental health or show up for him. And once again, Felix Mallard did an amazing job portraying all these feelings !

Georgia and Joe finally !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've always been team Joe since day 1 and we finally get to see them together !!! He's the only one who never judged her, the only one she can be her true self with. He's always there when she needs him and the only one she doesn't lie to. She feels safe with him, maybe for the first time in her life. So yeah, they absolutely belong together !!

I'm not surprised that things didn't work out with Paul... His career was his priority. I really think he actually loved Georgia and the kids but it wasn't enough in the end. He left. He left them when they needed him the most. And I get that it was a very difficult situation for him. I get that it wasn't easy. But he bailed on them. He wasn't there for them. The way he reacted when he found out about the fake pregnancy ? This violence ? While he knew what Georgia had been through with Gil ? The fear in her eyes when he punched that wall ? Yeah she shouldn't have lied about her pregnancy, I agree. But as Georgia said to Paul in the last episode : " I didn't awaken anything in you that wasn't already there" or something like that. He always has been this man. So no, I'm really not surprised it didn't work out between them. And to me, it never will.

Ginny : The emotional growth that she's had ! This wasn't an easy journey for her. But she stayed strong. She supported her mother, finally ! And I really liked the way they handle the abortion situation. Really well done. Always loved their bond with Georgia. And really loved their friendship with Abby this season. But a bit disappointed about her speech to Max in episode 10...

Austin : My poor baby boy... Honestly feel so bad for him. I don't know how he's going to handle this next season honestly... This is way too much for anyone to handle, let alone for a child...

Zion : He was never there for Ginny. He was always away, absent. The end of episode 5 literally broke my heart. Maaaan, you can't do that! I'm glad Ginny finally said her truth to her dad. You go girl !!!

Norah : Honestly ? Don't really care. No real personality. But I think next season, we'll get some answers about her health. Maybe endometriosis?

Abby : Loved her storyline! Glad she finally stopped things with Press. She deserved so much better. I like how they actually show how eating disorder can affect people. I think next season we'll see more of it and her journey through it. Loved Marcus and Abby's friendship !

There's so much more to say about this season, but my post is already long enough 😅.

What was you favorite moment this season ?? And what to you want to see in season 4 ?