#does anyone know what this could mean for my psyche

[eggscaffolding]

Had a dream the other night where I became semi-lucid and bit the devil’s head off

[odo-apologist]

I have things I should be working on but I'm too busy wondering what a Low or High Kochanski would be like

[lesbiansanemi]

Getting ready for my psych appointment like “I will get a good grade in adhd, autism, and bpd. This is something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve”

[anthromimicry]

sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.

[solarisfortuneia]

— 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞…

(or, in other words, promises of their dedication to you.)

✦ featuring: childe, kaeya, xiao, zhongli, kazuha.

✦ warnings: none, just the smallest smidgens of angst in some places.

✦ notes: so, this is a really old work i posted on my first blog that i'm proud of sjhhjs i found it a while ago and decided to rework it a little!! (i haven't changed too much of the original though, just tweaked some sentences and added and subtracted.)

…i’d pull hell and heaven to their knees at your feet, and i’d kneel alongside them (if I could. oh, if only i could).

childe wants to give you the world and more.

he’s almost reverent in his devotion to those he loves, seeking to please beyond all else, and what he holds toward you is no different. at merely a blink of your eyes, he’d bring you the sun and the stars, weave moonlight into fabric and find a chunk of the most beautiful emerald you’ve ever laid eyes on, and he does it all with a wink and a smile and a ‘you need only ask, dear,’

and it is true, you need only ask for him to lay out the world for you.

but alas, there is only so much fate will allow him to do. his heart and soul may rest in your palms, but he is duty bound to the tsaritsa.

ajax can promise you everything in the world, just not himself.

he cannot promise you himself in his entirety, he cannot promise you an ajax without his secrets, without an always existing barrier in between you.

no matter how desperately he wants to.

…i’d stand bare in your light, arms asunder, abandoning my secrets and shedding the shadows i once called home.

kaeya alberich fears trust.

he’s scared of what it could lead to, what it could do to him, what it has done to him. he’s a man who lives under a cloak of secrets and inside a cocoon of fear and mysteries, and for him to allow himself to expose everything he hides is no small feat.

but it is the surest mark of his trust in you, that some hopeful part of him believes that you’ll stay against all odds.

he thinks you shouldn’t, though, that it’ll cause you more harm than good— he won’t let himself want you. but you’ll know he is truly yours when he hesitates no longer to tell you the deepest desires of his heart, to bare his whole soul and lay it before your eyes.

patience, and you'll find him the most beautiful butterfly of them all.

…i’d cross the deepest of chasms, weather the harshest of storms, and brave the most treacherous of paths to return to your arms.

not a soul can say that adeptus alatus has no home to go back to. (and if they did, how utterly wrong they’d be.)

his home is the warmth of your embrace, the love in every gentle caress, and the soft cadence of your voice. it's the smile in your eyes, and the spring in your step, and the softness of your heart. he’d call it almost dream-like, but xiao knows what dreams are like, far better than anyone. he also knows that every dream— no matter how intense, no matter how vivid— always disappears.

but you’re still here, day after day,

does that not mean you’re as real as the air he breathes and the sun that sets over liyue?

xiao’s loyalty is hard won, but it is steadfast. he cannot promise that he’ll live forever, nor can he promise you happiness every single minute of the day. but what he can promise you, is that at the end of the day, he’ll fight his hardest to return to you, no matter how far away he might be.

…i’d etch your memory— from the most mellifluous laugh to every tiny victory— onto my very soul, so that not even the flow of time can wash it away.

morax has prospered for centuries.

he’s witnessed dynasties fall to dust; paupers rise to prominence. he’s come across many he was fond of and cherishes the memory of everyone he has ever cared for. 

he’s also aware that forgetting some people in the vast expanse time is inevitable. the withering of the blooms of thought spare none, not even a god, and the tree of the psyche grows ancient. after all, even the mind is not permanent in a world of transience, is it?

but zhongli would be damned if he ever let you fade.

his promise, no, his contract— one he made to himself the day the realization that you'd one day no longer be by his side fully set in— is to preserve even the last wisps that linger, encasing the thought of you in shimmering gold, so that after you are long gone, you’ll live on as part of his soul.

…i’d whisper the softest of tales into the night breeze, tales of you and i, so that even when we’re long gone, the wind will carry our stories for aeons to come.

kazuha is no stranger to the whispers of the wind.

he’s intimately familiar with them, a rare blessing he knows he is lucky to have. but his most divine blessing is the privilege of being part of a story with you. life is short, unpredictable; one never knows what their fate might be, but he's beyond glad that this part of his destiny has you.

he has no desire to be a legend, and he knows you don’t either. but he is sentimental in the regard that he wants the whispers of the two of you to stick around. he’s lost so much, and reciting stories of the two of you is his way of preservation, for nothing spoken into the wind vanishes.

the world knows only a fraction of this wanderer, but he hopes that if they remember anything about him, they remember how much he loved you.

[zoieru]

Mind-dump analysis of Sunday and Welt

Non-romantic, though you can see it that way if you want. Basically musings on their dialogue, body language, trauma responses and their views of the world. Based on my noggin, my experiences, and my knowledge on psych and philosophy. Mentions of trauma, and Aventurine. Spoilers for 3.0. Come chat with me about it in the ask box pls oml. (html broke read more link sorry)

So I was writing an Astral Express Sunday headcanon thing, and realised the part with welt I had more thoughts on than I could handle !!! So I decided to make a bigger breakdown of it from my perspective weeee. 1.7k more thoughts...hehe. Includes pics.

So, Sunday is essentially coming into this new world (the astral express lifestyle, the knowledge and involvement of other planets issues, everything not just Penacony) for the first time, and in a vulnerable state at that. He was trained and groomed to be who he was basically his whole life, and not just the positions of power and control, but his position he gave himself also of protector of his sister. That's been taken from him, all of it, his role, his direction, drive, everything. To say the man must feel lost is understatement of the century.

So when he is confronted with Welt Yang, a mysterious and stoic man who displays his intelligence by deciphering there's something up with his disguise, questions him on his motives, etc, but then seemingly confidently starts to trust him, he is...confused?

First, Welt says multiple times that he knows how he feels, he's had to leave a home quickly too, but doesn't elaborate. So his reasons are already determined at least somewhat by his empathy for Sunday. That is a lot for Sunday to work through. He mustn't have really related to anyone in his life, even his sister due to their vastly different experiences despite being in the same spot. To have someone, and quite quickly, especially after what he just did, sympathise, empathise, and relate to him...thats intriguing, and confusing, and probably a bit suspicious.

Further, when going to meet Robin, Sunday outwardly questions why Welt is giving him the privacy to speak to her, refusing to be a bystander for his benefit. Welt answers:

'i believe you're the kind of person that has the ability and desire to use everything to your advantage... but that everything does not involve Miss Robin'

Sunday pauses, and thanks him. It's confusing, unexpected, and yet another puzzle into Welt's character. I think this moment means an incredible amount to Sunday. Ultimately, his sister is everything to him, where everything started, and Welt has given him the space and freedom to do the thing he is so nervous for, he is dreading but must do, one of the hardest things he's probably ever done, say goodbye for an indeterminate amount of time. Who else has probably shown him this sort of seemingly genuine act of kindness, goodness, before? Probably no one. Plus, despite not really outwardly discussing his relationship with his sister with Welt before this, Welt shows an understanding of Sunday's care for her, to the point his usual nature and methods don't apply to Robin.

So that's why Sunday asks another question, after saying goodbye to Robin

He's starting to see himself in Welt, I believe, in some way, when he says 'I had a feeling that you would never give up on someone who needed help' which is reinforced by his 'help' of Sunday just now. But I think what Sunday is maybe confused about here is why him, why here. He is confused why they 'help' him, a 'nortorious fugitive' and a 'friend they never knew', rather than people in new worlds, people he deems perhaps deserve it more, people who he thinks Welt should care about. I believe, here, he is still viewing things zoomed out, from a grand perspective. He sees 'people' as an entity, much like how he did with his plan, saving them from misery by keeping them in the dream. But Welt goes on to explain that it's the people he meets that are his trailblaze, but on an individual and connection scale, not 'helping peopleTM' like he tried to.

And that means Sunday, it means Tingyun. Sunday even asks directly, then, 'why me?', and Welt repeats his previous answer. 'i know how you feel.' despite what he's done, he offers him empathy, help, and connection. It's alien to Sunday. He has heard the worst of people's deeds, was tormented by them, wanted to save them from themselves, yet Welt is just accepting him.

Then another thing, Welt sits in the audience watching Sunday become himself, say goodbye to his old self and everything he once knew, literally becoming whole again, and slightly unsure of how he exactly he will be once both halves combine. This moment is so so intimate, so deeply personal, perhaps the most personal I mean he's literally talking to himself, becoming himself, shedding everything he's ever known, starting a new life. And Welt isn't just watching. He says:

'Regardless of the outcome, you will have a witness. I'll be waiting for you in the audience.'

Here, he does multiple things. One, he is promising Sunday he will be here for him and almost continue to accept him in whatever shape or form after he's done, giving him the respect and time to do his thing, and the support he wasnt planning to get. Its like...almost a threat, saying he wont let him run away after, but not quite. its also a signal of protection. He is staying with Sunday through this obviously terrifying and massive moment, at a safe and respectful but supportive distance, something Sunday was planning to go through alone. Also, he says he'll wait for him. That's so...personal. ugh, it's too much. And the thing is, Sunday lets him, thanks him, wants him to be there. Trusts him enough to see him at almost a most vulnerable point in his life. Crazy stuff.

Plus, during this line, the camera zooms in on Welt's face for just a few seconds, emphasising how big this is.

Now I'm not sure if we should assume Welt can hear everything Sunday says to himself. The theatre is empty, afterall, but I dont know. Sunday says he's scared, says why he's scared, tells himself he doesn't like himself, parts of him. It's so goddamn personal, heart wrenching, truly. And there's a line here I want to discuss quick.

'to save more lives, you must first understand what they live for and what they die for. The best way to achieve this is through personal experience.''

This is a reflection of Welt's words, his reason for trailblazing. It shows he's taken them to heart, ponders them, realises that to truly help people like Welt does, he needs to know them, not see them as an entity from above.

Also, when done, Welt makes a gentle joke that covers the supportive gesture of his acceptance of 'either' of Sunday's selves. He almost dismissed the whole act as if it was casual, while subtly acknowledging it's significance, and gently showing his support, so it all doesn't make Sunday feel uncomfy.

'Well, how should I address you now? Mr Sunday or Mr Wonweek?'

I love it.

Then Sunday has the confidence to request staying with the Astral Express Crew. Knowing the others might hate the idea, but having enough confidence in the fact that Welt at least seems to want him there.

'You are one of my trailblazing goals.'

Sunday looks visibly touched by this statement. the feels.

So let's now skip to the Astral Express, where he's been on a while let's say.

After all this, Sunday and Welt almost have this unspoken deep connection somehow. They have shared a deeply personal moment for Sunday, and Welt has shared more with Sunday about himself than he ever has with anyone on screen that we've seen before.begins to respect Welt Yang quite tremendously really. Sunday now has time to sit, think, reflect, and probably torment himself with thoughts.

I think he has built this ridiculous level of respect for Welt, perhaps more than for most in his life. And also intrigue, confusion. He perhaps observes him. It is obvious Welt has a troubled and mysterious past, the extent of which is unknown but suggested, yet the man has a poise about him that seems stable, secure, confident. It intrigues him, maybe makes him a little envious even that despite this man having no set 'home', travelling the trailblaze with seemingly little control over things Sunday feels he would lose his mind over, he still seems confident in himself.

You ever feel like you're pretty self sufficient and able when alone or most of the time, but theres that one person where you're in their company and it's suddenly like all your brain function has dimmed and been transferred to them and they're now the 'thinker' and 'doer' and you're just there mostly looking pretty?? That's Sunday and Welt sometimes. Sunday was so used to being everything, controlling everything, seeing everything, that now he can relax that, or rather forced to let go of all that, as hard as that is, he finds himself inadvertently letting Welt take over a bit, observing and involving himself but Welt taking the lead. It's perhaps part of a trauma response to having to grow up too fast, to not being able to have had the points in life where you can trust and let someone have control for a while without risk. So as a result of this trust and acceptance he has built with Welt, his brain just sort of...relaxes a little. Welp.

That's displayed well in the infamous 'mom speak to the doctor for me pls' scene, I think. Cute.

Okay it's the end now, I could probably yap more but my thumbs hurt. One more musing though:

I wonder what it would be like for Sunday and Aventurine to meet, after all of that. They, ultimately, had a similar journey in terms of them making a big decision, a big 'attempt' at something bigger than themselves intricately linked to their identities and core beliefs, having to face parts of themselves along the way.

Now that Sunday has shed his 'grandiose' demeanour and plans, I wonder what it would look like for them to meet on equal terms. (Obviously not really knowing how this whole thing will have affected Aven coming out of it).

These two men, as literally mentioned in the 'combining selves' scene for Sunday in the theatre, are fundamentally opposed. One has been made to and has had to build his life and principles on control. One has had no choice to and built his life on luck, lack of control. It's such an interesting dichotomy to me.

There's also this interaction with Welt and Sunday before meeting Robin:

'I had a hunch and decided to try my luck. Seems I can be lucky sometimes'

'its not like you to leave things to luck'

'I'm trying to change too'

It's twice, in this long section, that Aventurine/luck is mentioned, at least. I wonder how he would view him should he know more, and now that he seems to have a certain begrudging acceptance and respect for luck/chance.

OKAY IM DONE FR NOW HAHAHA come discuss with me if u want :3 hope you enjoyed.

Here, take this, its not safe out there

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

[ironunderstands]

Here’s my comparison of Acheron, Aventurine and Ratio that I made in 2.1 which I forgot to upload here lol, I would like you to know my thoughts then because OH BOY HAS THIS AGED WELL

Aventurine, Acheron, Ratio and what the Nihility means to them

(Inspired by a convo I had with @aoxizu on Tumblr!)

The ending scene of the 2.1 update (the one featuring the black hole) is perhaps one of my favorite in all of fiction. I genuinely adore the way it was done and what it says about both the characters and life itself. This game has THEMES and by god did they come through then. So, I want to go over why I love it so much, and why it’s such a vital moment for Acheron, Aventurine and Ratios characters.

First, some context. Prior to Aventurine’s and Acheron’s conversation, Aventurine was taking the riskiest gamble of his life. Prior to the confrontation between him, Acheron and the Astral Express, Aventurine set up a plan to try and get to the secret at the heart of Penacony, as well as provide a ruse for Topaz and Jade to do, well whatever they planned on doing, the ending scene says they came there to “harvest”, so in 2.2 I assume we will find out what exactly that entails.

In order for this plan to work, Aventurine needed his cornerstone and to trick Sunday, so pre-2.0 he went to Dr. Ratio to include him in this plan, and set up a fake betrayal to fool Sunday and allow him to keep the Aventurine stone, with the Jade and Topaz stones also being acquired pre-Penacony. We know this because of Aventurine’s conversation with Topaz post 1.4 Belabog mission in which he requests her help in Penacony, something which we didn’t get confirmation on whether or not she accepted until 2.1, in which it’s revealed that one of the Cornerstones in the box is Topaz, meaning when they got confiscated in 2.0 she had already accepted his offer (we can assume a similar situation for Jade). 

Essentially, everything had been going according to plan for IPC (even if Aventurine was absolutely not having a fun time during it), Ratio even says as much, stating that the IPC is pleased to hear of his death sentence, so that part of the confrontation was already predetermined. This leaves Aventurine with one final gamble, hoping the Astral Express and Acheron take the bait, and that they will try and stop him from destroying the entire dreamscape, which if Acheron acts on it, he could entire the true dreamscape to find the truth, as only an emanator could break through the power of the harmony. 

Luckily for Aventurine, the gamble pays off and Aventurine does indeed draw her blade, both stopping him and sending them both into another plane entirely, it’s there in which one if my favorite scenes in fiction ever occurs. 

You see, even if Aventurine planned this all from the start, he hasn’t exactly been having a fun time while doing it. Being sentenced to death and then slowly hallucinating on Harmony sh1t until the manifestations of your past self and your present doubt and insecurities come to haunt you isn’t exactly fun for anyone, especially Aventurine. 1) Because his backstory is horrifically tragic and being faced with a reminder that you will never feel secure or valued or truly happy would be enough to erode away the psyche of anyone 2) A version of himself which claims to be his future, but is more like a personification of how much Aventurine doubts and hates himself. It’s even more telling that this isn’t the first time he has talked to this version of him, in fact it saved his life several times, meaning one of Aventurine’s driving motivations is his own self loathing. 

A trait that on the surface you don’t think he would have, Aventurine plays the role of the confident, unflappable gambler who always wins, when in reality his other hand is under the table, clutching his chips for dear life (something I quite literally paraphrased from the game). 

Therefore, going into this conversation, Aventurine is more relieved than anything, yet another one of his gambles paid off, but now he will have to see how to go from there, and that’s when Acheron’s advice comes in. She’s not stupid, and immediately recognizes that he won (or at least got what she wanted), and that killing him is meaningless, it’s not his time yet. However, what Aventurine is really focused on is the fact that out of all the emanators he could have come across, the one he faces now is an emanator of nihility.

And well, in the face of overwhelming nihility, one’s own value comes into question yet again, and that’s something Aventurine doesn’t even need the aeon for to ask. So, he talks to Acheron, as IX isn’t exactly going to answer, but she might know. Now, I’m just going to lay out the dialogue (then explain it obviously) because it’s genuinely amazing. 

Aventurine starts out by asking Acheron if she is an emanator of nihility, and I find her response to be really interesting. She doesn’t view herself as someone chosen by IX, as nihilism (the feeling of meaningless) envelops everyone equally, but she has simply walked in their shadow longer, tainted on the feeling. This leads Aventurine to question if this is the end, as if life has lost all meaning, in the face of overwhelming nihility, would that mean he’s dead?

Luckily Acheron immediately disagrees, stating that this is merely a manifestation of IX, not the end (he’s not dead guys idk how anyone can think that). However Aventurine still questions if his death has been determined, but Acheron doesn’t promise it. She mulls over his plan and and Aventurine asks her why she thinks he did it, and Acheron believes it was to find a secret deeper than the dream “deaths: the Real Penacony. He wonders how she found out, and Acheron says it’s the trailblazer’s identity which allowed her (and Aventurine) to come to this conclusion (we don’t yet know how this happened for either of them yet, but 2.2 should give answers).

They continue, Aventurine reveals that he believes the barrier the family built using the power of the harmony was not just to keep death out but the nightmare that is the real dreamscape. That the Memory Zone is simply a vast island built atop a violent ocean with the barrier keeping whatever nightmarish secrets from washing ashore. In order to break through this barrier and find the real dreamscape, which is why he kept killing himself earlier in the dream, but to no  avail. When Sparkle gave him the hint, he realized it was referring to Firefly, someone who had seen the other side and survived it, even if she was unable to let others know if it. It wasn’t proof of the families wrongdoing, but it was suspicious enough for him to try and get Acheron to kill him, rather than try and find the Meme to recreate Firefly’s death. 

Acheron points out just how insane this plan was, that if he hadn’t gotten lucky and crossed path with her, it wouldn’t have succeeded. Then, she commends him for playing it perfectly, pitting her perfectly against him and creating a plan that would be beneficial for the IPC no matter what happened, as even if he dies that would be great leverage. However, Aventurine disagrees with that last point, he truly can’t guarantee the IPCs success or even his own survival, that if she hadn’t drawn her blade it would have all be pointless. 

She’s doesn’t let him continue along this line of thought, what-ifs are pointless and he earned his ticket to the dreamscape. What matters now is what happens next, and Acheron asks him if he can return from the abyss (Childe reference?), but more importantly, she questioned if he has ever wavered, as even a gamble as seemingly insane as the one Aventurine just did seems to have not shaken him (from her POV, we know how terrified Aven was but everyone else minus maybe Ratio does). 

Aventurine tells her perhaps the most fundamental aspect of his character; he gambles simply because he has no other choice, betting on everything because he has nothing else to lose. Acheron tells him to wake up from this “dream” (aka find the true dreamscape), and she presumably goes to leave.

However (and this is my favorite part of the scene), he asks her one more question before she leaves, thinking she might know the answer as a pathstrider of nihility, “Why are we born in this world if it’s just to die?”

Her response is the best possible way you could answer this question. Acheron is an emanator of nihility, but she doesn’t think life is meaningless. The feeling of emptiness and pointlessness envelops everyone equally and that’s exactly why the nihility is pointless. It doesn’t matter that nothing matters, and we aren’t born into this world just to die. 

Aventurine still worries though, after all if the dice of fate will always roll to the same conclusion, then destiny is predetermined, so why struggle? Why does it matter?

Her answer again is not one he would expect, but one that absolutely makes sense. Acheron says the answer has been with Aventurine throughout his entire life and journey on Penacony, and that he’s already somewhat realized it. Aventurine said himself that sleep is a rehearsal of death, but people aren’t ready to welcome death, which is why they sleep to get a taste of it. Sleep is much like death, a realm of unreality in which anything might be possible within the dreams that define its existence. Death itself is an unreality, and nobody truly knows what it’s like to die, but dreams are the closest we might ever get before the end. Like Acheron says, in a way, dreams are just a preparation for death, a practice before it can be welcomed. 

However, much like how dreams can contain anything, even if we cannot choose to experience them or not, life itself is full of choices, regardless of if the ending is determined or not. Acheron understands that there are an infinite amount of things people cannot change before the end, but there are choices you can make up until it. Death is inevitable, but the life you live before it isn’t. This is what the words in red mean, both here and in my opinion, in general. 

Acheron reminds the trailblazer to make the right choice when time comes for it, in our first meeting with her. However, I don’t think the path we choose matters, but rather the the fact that we chose at all. Now the next paragraph will include a minor discussion of 2.2 leaks, so skip to the next slide if you don’t want to hear it. 

Sunday is getting a bossfight in 2.2, and it’s highly theorized that he works/believes in Ena the Order, especially because it looks like it’s their hand he’s touching in that one animation of the bossfight. Now here’s the thing, Order as a concept Chooses For You. I think the trailblazer making a decision is the thing that will save them and the rest of the gang, as within the face of an entity defined by limiting choice and free will, choosing to well, choose will save them (us?) and perhaps be the thing that gets the trailblazer acknowledged by the Harmony, a concept greater than Order. 

Anyways, after she says that, Acheron leaves Aventurine, saying the answer to his question was from his friend.

And Aventurine pulls out the vial from Dr. Ratio

The vial telling him that the only impossible thing in the dreamscape is dormancy (meaning the secrets from before are destined to rise and destroy the “island” that is Penacony.

The vial telling him to stay alive and wishing him the best of luck, which in the Chinese version is: 

Ratio answered both of Aventurine’s questions. The physical one, the one that pertains to Aventurines goals in Penacony, informing him of a vital aspect of the dreamscape that will help him win his gamble. But more importantly, he also answered Aventurine’s emotional one. What is the point of living? There is no real deeper meaning but to stay alive, survive and keep on living, because at the end of the day, that’s the only choice Aventurine can make, and that’s the one Ratio wants him to make.

Ratio Gives Aventurine A Reason To Live. 

Aventurine says that he has nothing left, his family is gone and he has nobody and nothing to fall back on which is why he gambles. But Acheron proves him wrong, he isn’t alone, she calls Ratio his “friend”, says that he’s the solution to his doubt. Someone caring about Aventurine is what saves his life, he walks into the massive black hole unafraid not because he holds some secret power or technique or trick, but because someone cares about him, and that someone taught him that caring about himself is enough. Aventurine didn’t need the power of an emanator to survive the true dreamscape, he only needed a friend, and the will to keep going that he realized from them. 

This is the true meaning of nihility, not that  Aventurine says that he has nothing left, his family is gone and he has nobody and nothing to fall back on which is why he gambles. But Acheron proves him wrong, he isn’t alone, she calls Ratio his “friend”, says that he’s the solution to his doubt. Someone caring about Aventurine is what saves his life, he walks into the massive black hole unafraid not because he holds some secret power or technique or trick, but because someone cares about him, and that someone taught him that caring about himself is enough. Aventurine didn’t need the power of an emanator to survive the true dreamscape, he only needed a friend, and the will to keep going that he realized from them. the universe is meaningless, but that regardless of if it has one or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s this realization that saves Acheron from losing herself like other emanators, it’s this realization that allows Aventurine to cross the event horizon of that manifestation of IX, and it’s this realization that I believe is why Dr. Ratio was never acknowledged by Nous: he was already treading the path of nihility without even realizing it. 

Now this is where my conversation with @aoxizu comes in, and I’m just gonna paste directly what they said because I think it’s amazing and everyone should read it, more importantly it’s what inspired this slideshow in the first place.

Ratio tells Aventurine to live despite everything because that’s the only thing he can do. It doesn’t matter how absurd life is, or how meaningless it all seems, choose to live anyways, because all you have are choices, and it doesn’t matter if they lead to some grand outcome or future or whatnot. To Ratio, life doesn’t, and shouldn’t care about that. Existence doesn’t need to make sense to be worth it, and that’s a sentiment both me, the characters and the og poster share.

Acheron is a lot like Ratio, she chooses to live despite having discovered the meaninglessness of the universe. In an existence seemingly black and white she chooses to paint the world red with her choices, accepting its reality and choosing to forge her own path rather than succumb to the madness. That’s why she says in her trailer, “there is no other choice but to move forward” and that’s because there really is no other choice, the universe doesn’t have some grand plan for anyone and you can’t turn back time to change anything, so all you can do is move forward.

My contribution! I’ve already kinda started but I do want to talk about how Ratio could be treading the path of nihility, but I’ll let this amazing post finish.

So yeah, amazing post, and I don’t think I could reword what they said in a better way than they did. Bringing up the philosophical aspects of this scene makes me really happy because they are so prominent, but most people aren’t really aware enough to notice. Absurdism is one of the driving inspirations behind the dreamscape, and it’s nice to see someone else besides you (see: my slideshow about Penacony and its American influences for an elaboration on this) bring it up. Honestly I think that philosophy fits Ratio far better than any of the Ancient Greek stuff you try to slap on him. Sure he obviously has the inspirations, but he’s closer in spirit to philosophers from the 1700s to now than them, a reinterpretation of Greek scholars rather than a copy of them. 

And this is where my idea that Ratio is a pathstrider of nihility (and he doesn’t even know it yet) comes in. He doesn’t view knowledge in the same way that pathstriders of Erudition do; knowledge for knowledges sake has never been something Ratio has cared about. Knowledge means something to Ratio because it allows people to better themselves, not because it has some sort of inherent value. That’s why he’s so determined to spread it, he wants everyone to reach their fullest potential, and dedicates his life to doing so. Regardless of if the universe has meaning or not, that doesn’t mean people can’t try and live their best lives, and that’s the philosophy Ratio truly believes in.

Moreover, this is why it’s so meaningful that Ratio is the one to help Aventurine, he’s teaching him something Ratio himself learned long ago when he got rejected by the Genius Society. Despite all of Ratio’s intellect and qualifications, he will never be good enough for them because he simply doesn’t view knowledge in the way they do. But instead of this meaninglessness (nihility) consuming him, Ratio dedicated his life to doing what brought him meaning and validation rather than searching for some hidden answers from the universe (specifically Nous).

And it’s not like he just accepted it happily. Ratio still wants their acknowledgement, and it still hurt (and hurts) him a lot to not have it, which is why I think he unknowingly strides the path of nihility. To Ratio, his view on knowledge is simply how knowledge is, and the fact that Nous will never perceive it in that way because his philosophy is more nihilistic than it is erudite is something Ratio might never come to terms with. But that’s ok. The point is that it’s ok, Ratio doesn’t need to be acknowledged or to understand the truth of the universe to be happy or do well for himself. Our universe might mean nothing and yeah that can and will suck, but existence is more valuable than some grand cosmic plan, and even if you don’t realize it, choosing to live is enough.

Continually, this reminds me of the conversation Aventurine had with his hallucination self, in which he told real Aventurine that him and Ratio are very similar. In a way, they are, both struggling to find meaning in their lives, and Ratio helps Aventurine find meaning in his without really even knowing how. Sure the note was meant to keep Aventurine going, but Ratio caused Aventurine to come to a conclusion that probably won’t find Ratio for a while. He helped Aventurine overcome nihility without even knowing it, without Ratio even realizing that THAT is the thing he has been struggling with, and the path he has been walking the whole time.

I really hope we get to see Ratio again, and at the very least I want a story quest for him because I want to analyze his brain under a microscope. Him and Acheron need to meet asap I want more Ratio content idc if everyone else in the fandom hates him I love him and he’s my pookie bear and I will write 3039493494 things about him when it comes to me UGHHHH. Anyways I didn’t know how end this so this is the ending yaaayyy! I hope you liked it and if you have any thoughts let me know! 

_________________________________________

Og post over! That was a long ass read and past me was absolutely cooking up a storm, oh god did this age well and I was right about or close to right about a lot of shit haha. Anyways I really do hope you enjoyed reading this, and this will hopefully provide some needed context for my next posts on this subject. Also feel free to repost this onto other sites I’m very proud of it

[crownmemes]

Questioning Sentences, Vol. 24

(Questioning sentences from various sources to ask all kinds of muses. Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Do you honestly think that now is the right time for this conversation?"

"Don't you think I know what I sounded like today? Do you think I enjoy being humiliated and laughed at like that?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Are you watching my house?"

"Do I sense the cold silence of disapproval?"

"If we identify a UFO, does that just mean it's an FO?"

"Do you believe there's something out there?"

"Do you know the difference between order and chaos?"

"What happened to your resolution to be more accepting?"

"You hate anyone who can't do what you do, don't you?"

"Do you still believe humanity can do better?"

"Is there really ever such a thing as an accident?"

"Where have you been all my life?"

"Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?"

"How does it feel to know that you have failed?"

"You like fighting, don't you?"

"Do you want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now?"

"You're a smart man. You could be anywhere doing anything. Why do you do this?"

"Hey, are you experiencing an ominous sense of foreboding?"

"Are you really going to pull that trigger?"

"They all hate me. You don't hate me, do you?"

"What am I afraid of? I think the better question is what are you afraid of?"

"Have you any idea how much I've missed you?"

"How much longer are you going to drag your heels before you tell her how you feel?"

"How did they manage to get so many snobs in one place?"

"Have you thought about what you're going to do when you retire?"

"Do you think he'll be jealous?"

"Do you ever wish there was another way?"

"You're a pretty smart kid, you know that?"

"Do I strike you as someone who can't speak for herself?"

"Is there a Greek god of disappointment?"

"Aren't you a little young to be getting married?"

"Why would you say something like that?"

"When exactly was the last time you had a psych evaluation?"

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Do you remember the last time we danced?"

"If you can't trust your own mind, then what have you got?"

"I never knew so many books even existed. Have you read them all?"

"You'd use your gun on my mother?"

"So, how did you become a hostage?"

"We've never met before, right?"

"What are you doing here, apart from trying to avoid me?"

"What? You telling me you've never had a thing for bad boys?"

"They say you're a genius. Are you?"

"How come you always have to lead?"

"Do you enjoy threatening people?"

"Did you have a happy childhood?"

[jazzdefiant]

Helly: Trauma, Resistance, and Reintegration

I have Thoughts™️ and I needed to write them down. There’s a lot of ground to cover, but I tried to make this as straightforward and organized as I could.

S2E2 spoilers below the cut:

Before Goodbye, Mrs. Selvig, I was having a hard time discerning who I thought was really down there. To me, there were a few options: 

Helena, full stop. 

Helly pre-animation and Helena post-animation (as if they’d externally switched Helly off/Helena on).

And a secret third thing that I liked most but never mentioned to anyone. 

The secret third thing is still my current front-runner:

There's a reason viewers are struggling to discern who is who right now, and I think that's because Helena is, too.

I think Helena is who we’re looking at, but Helly is also present somewhere (clawing her way to the surface, as Reghabi had put it). I think it’s possible Helly/Helena might reintegrate naturally, or that Helly has created an irreversible bleed between their psyches.

The main reason? They share a traumatic memory. One that is intrinsically tied to both of their identities.

For organization, I’ll break up the bulk of this by Hello, Ms. Cobel scenes.

ELEVATOR LOBBY:

Helly is the one who hung herself, but that elevator went up. The doors opened, and the guard’s desk was empty. Helena is the one struggling in the security footage. It’s very possible she is the one who passed out.

If this is the case, it means Helly holds the memory of being rescued. Helena does not. 

As far as we know: the last time Helena was in that elevator, she was dying. And the last time Mark S. was in that elevator, he was dying. That’s why Mark wakes up scared, and that’s why Helena runs out. 

I wonder how Helly felt every time she woke up in the elevator after returning from the hospital. I wonder if Helena’s panic and dread was in some way tangible to her.

I’m not certain of much with this show, but I do, at least, feel pretty sure we’re about to see a scene or implication of Helena having a panic attack/flashback as she descends. I also wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped the elevator momentarily, masked as a mechanical blip, to prolong it as subtle a form of psychological torture.

She ran out struggling to breathe, just like Helly had when she woke up upon returning after her attempt.

The constant between those two moments? Mark S.

Honestly, I imagine Helena wasn’t expecting anyone kind to be waiting for her at the bottom. Would she have any reason to? 

Jame Eagan: I cried in my bed when they told me what she tried to do to you. What that innie tried to do.

I don’t know what was going on for Jame when he received news of her suicide attempt — if there was a reason for him crying in bed, if they didn’t let him see her — but personally, I’m halfway out the door after news like that. Given how he talked to her during the gala, it seemed like that was the first time they’d seen each other since.

If this was the case, it’s very possible Helena was alone during her recovery. No emotional support from anyone close to her… if anyone can even be considered close to her to begin with.

Is there anyone who truly cares about her? In her mind, why would there be someone at the bottom of that elevator, waiting to see if she’s okay?

And suddenly, in the midst of what I’m guessing is sheer survival panic, she is being hugged. And the person hugging her sounds so relieved to see her physically unharmed. 

I personally think that’s why she hesitated before hugging Mark back. I think she was triggered and processing and didn't know what to make of it. I don’t know if she’s ever experienced someone genuinely caring about her safety and well-being before.

To Mark, she’s not Helena Eagan. He has no idea who the fuck that is. In that moment, she is Helly — and somehow, that innie is enough for him.

When Helly came back after the attempt, Mark already knew she was physically okay, and he wasn’t particularly comforting because he was following Milchick’s “kind eyes” advice. But when Helena returned, he was completley unfiltered and himself. There was probably some part of his outie bleeding through in that moment, too, because he has specific trauma with losing someone he cares about.

I truly think he helped ground her, and he might be the first and only person who’s ever done that.

MDR OFFICE:

I don’t have much to say here, other than I was torn on who I was looking at in this scene. 

Reason being: I just find her expression when realizes Irving is breaking down in the bathroom so sincere. Some of our most vulnerable moments with Helena so far have taken place in a bathroom, and it’s also where Helly seems to retreat when she’s stressed. I don’t think that’s by accident. To me, her expression here doesn’t seem forced or irrelevant.

If her concern is authentic on some level, maybe it’s because she didn’t expect to see MDR genuinely care for the well-being of another team member. Maybe she thought they were only united in their hate for Lumon and nothing more. Maybe some part of Helly is with her now, worried about Irving, whether she knows it or not. 

I think, maybe, MDR will show Helena what family is supposed to look like.

HALLWAY – MDR:

Helly R: They replaced us? Mark S: For a couple days. Dylan G: Who was me? Mark S: They weren't, like, specific counterparts. They were, I don't know, weird. Dylan G: Okay, well, I don’t think you should feel bad at all. Mark S: Feel bad? Dylan G: Yeah, for ending their lives. Fuck 'em. Mark S: Well, I wasn't trying to– Dylan G: No, dude, I'm saying don't feel bad. Like, I'm sure they deserved it.

This could just be my read, but Helena’s expression during this conversation looks like she’s genuinely processing the implications of what Dylan is saying. He talks about the other innie’s deaths so casually, like it’s just another day in the office. Spatially, she’s also standing at the center of this exchange. I think it’s possible Helena had never really viewed quitting/firing as innies dying or being killed by Lumon. If this is how innies perceive it, would that mean that Helly (an extension of herself) is dead? If so, who killed her?

This brings me to Ms. Huang; the new hire leading them down the hallway in that scene. 

Why is a child there?

Well, for one, Dylan fucking bit Milchick. I imagine they chose a child to help prevent something like that again. In order to physically attack his superior, Dylan will have to be okay with attacking a child. Dylan G. has met one of his children, so he's not going to hurt her. Mr. Milchick knows this and weaponizing it.

Which relates to the other reason I was having trouble discerning who Helena was in this scene: the look she exchanges with Ms. Huang. They show each innie making eye contact with her as they enter the hallway to the break room. To me, Helena’s expression seemed to match everyone else's. Surely, they all suspect Ms. Huang’s role is to be Milchick’s human shield. I think they might have been studying her, trying to figure out if she knows this, too.

Theoretically, in order to get to him, they will have to go through her. And if they ever do something to get Ms. Huang fired, she will die.

This means Lumon is not above killing children. 

Which means, maybe, Lumon is not above killing Helena.

I also think this angle makes the ring toss game Ms. Huang plays when Milchick shuts the door on her especially interesting. Kier Eagan is underwater, with his hands tied, and she…smiles. This is obviously a parallel to the pineapple bobbing, but I think it might also be a parallel to Helena. Perhaps she’s not supposed to be playing this game and saved it for when Milchick wasn’t looking. The first hint of rebellion in Ms. Huang, a child enslaved by Eagans, and a possible shift in power at some point.

LUMON IS LISTENING:

My theory about her being Helly pre-animation and Helena post-animation was based on the fact that she seems to dissociate after the animation ends. She stares off and blinks in an irregular pattern, then sort of widens her eyes at Milchick before composing herself.

But this also supported my secret third thing: that she and Helly are somehow internally at odds. So much of what Helena is experiencing right now aligns with what dissociation can feel like: watching the events of her life happen outside of herself, either through Helly’s actions on video or the consequences of them.

Mr. Milchick: Maybe I'll even buy you a drink at a bistro one day.

I’ve been so fixated on Helena’s expression when Milchick says this. Because he says it very pointedly to her, in that calm, threatening, Milkshake-y way. And she looks genuinely unsettled. Scared, even.

Helena will never really be able to leave. She will never be free. She had been Helly's lifeline, but that lifeline is gone.

It’s clear many of the new perks, if not all, are form of punishment or torture. It looks like they made a special point to animate genuine fear in Helly’s eyes during the pineapple bobbing.

Between Ms. Huang, pineapple bobbing, and Milchick’s little comment, Helena must know she’s just as much a prisoner down here as the others. Maybe pineapple bobbing targets one of her fears specifically. Like, I don’t know... not being able to breathe.

It’s also worth noting that Helly, in Helena’s body, has been psychologically tortured in this very room. I imagine that, paired with the threat of physical torture, would be triggering and could lead to dissociation. 

The setting brings me to my next point:

This might just be my read, but to me, she looked genuinely surprised when Mark said his wife was Ms. Casey. I think it’s possible she might not have known Mark’s connection to her, or that Mark’s wife and Ms. Casey are the same person. 

I can’t even begin to guess what the fuck Lumon does or what the hell Cold Harbor is meant to do (I don’t want to guess, I want to be along for the ride). But is it possible Helena doesn’t know the specifics of the file? Could knowing the details have risked hindering her own ability to refine data as Helly? Maybe Mark was presented to her as Ms. Casey’s close friend. An in-law. Something-not-husband. 

Helena knows they need Mark, but does she know exactly why? 

Dylan G: Come on, man. You can tell us. Helly R: Yeah, it's okay. Even if it's bad.

To me, there’s at least some layer to authenticity when she says this to Irving. Maybe it’s Helly bleeding through, or maybe it’s because Helena knows Irving has done something in the past (maybe something he's not supposed to or doesn’t want to remember) and feels guilty. This could also indicate why she might have genuinely sympathized with him when he was breaking down in the bathroom.

I’m not sure it matters if she’s saying “bad” as herself or acting as Helly. The point is: it needs to be said. It’s what Helly would say if she were here. Which means that, even on some superficial level, Helena is forced to voice the fact that what they’re doing at Lumon is wrong. 

I also don’t think it’s an accident that Helena says this in the break room. The room that Helly, in her body, was psychologically tortured and forced to atone in. 

Dylan G: What you gotta do is trick the machine by thinking about something you’re really sorry about...

Helena likely already carries a lot of guilt and shame for what she and her family have done to the world. I’m honestly not sure how much she’ll have to be radicalized by what she sees down there, or if she needs to be radicalized at all. I imagine anything she might potentially do in allegiance to Lumon is a guise, or self-preservation and nothing more. But I think that, as she gets to know MDR, that instinct will be overshadowed by Helly’s burning desire to help others and fuck shit up.

Helly had nothing to lose when she was down there. Now, neither does she.

All this to say, I think Helena is dissociating and struggling to stay grounded in herself after the animation ends. Her family’s company just threatened her directly, in a room she's technically already been tortured in. She knows she is not immune to whatever might happen down here. I think shit just got very, very real for her.

Irving also immediately tries to “kill himself” after this scene, not unlike Helly attempting suicide after her first trip to the break room. And he does this because he finds out the person he loves is with someone else, which Helena has just discovered about Mark. I'd say the parallels between Helly/Helena and Irving are worth keeping an eye on.

HALLWAY – MARK: 

Honestly? I don’t think Helena knows what the fuck to do with Mark at this point. Helly has kissed him, he’s married, his wife is (or was?) here, and now she is too. I’m guessing she doesn’t know how to navigate romance in a normal context, so I really don’t think that she knows how to navigate whatever the fuck this is.

It’s implied that Helena might never have experienced much romantic or physical intimacy, if any. I imagine that’s probably something that’s very controlled in her situation, either by herself or someone else (gross). Which could make Mark her first kiss. And, honestly? Her expression after seeing that footage, the way she replayed it... Well, I don’t know. We’ll see.

But I do think there’s a non-zero chance that she is reintegrating, and/or genuinely wants to be able to explore whatever Mark and Helly had.

If that’s the case, I could see her taking the comment Mark S. made about him and his outie being the same as a rejection of sorts. The implication that, like Irving, this thing she wants to experience could be over before it really gets to begin.

And that makes things, well, mushy.

This could be why she’s so adamant that she and her outie are not the same, and also a motive behind her agreeing to help Mark break Ms. Casey out. Maybe it’s Helena clinging to the distinction between herself and Helly. If Mark can get his wife back to his outie, or if she can spend time with him during that process, maybe she can still have him in some way, here, on the inside.

—————— I’m not sure if we’ll ever see Helly R. again, as the person we knew before. I think in s2, either of them will be some amalgam of both their traits. The barrier between them has been repeatedly challenged and broken from the start. 

"SVR’D THRESHOLD, RESTRICTED"

We know the stairwell is a place that helps the severed employees process the transition viscerally. Helly went back and forth multiple times, progressively more resistant. The second time Helly tried to break out, she wrote a note saying “NEVER COME BACK HERE” and did seem to effectively drop it in the stairwell before being pulled back.

Now, she has completely broken out. And as a result, Helena is back there, stuck on the other side of that door.

Since the gala, I doubt Helena can compartmentalize like she used to. She’d probably hoped Helly R. could be an escape from the symptoms of her external life, but Helly has been clawing her way back since the moment she was born. If Helena denies her resignation request, fine, she’ll do what she has to do to break out. Even if it means “killing herself” in the process (meaning: Helly never returning as the person we once knew).

Helly R: In case we don’t come back. Or, I don’t know, in case we do?

In s2, Helena is an innie, and the distinction between her and Helly is going to be much harder to maintain. Especially on the severed floor, the home of what might be her body’s first real love and most traumatic memory.

Helena Eagan: I’m committed to this company with every part of me. But I’m also human. Just like my innie.

It doesn’t matter why Helena said this in her apology video after the gala. What matters is that she can no longer internalize the conflict. She is forced to say out loud that innies and outies are both human. She is forced to hear those words in her own voice, and Helly is the reason why.

Like a body rejecting an organ, Helly has rejected severance at every possible turn. I think her constant defiance has set some sort of reintegration process in motion, maybe even before the severance could successfully take root. That, or her defiance has caused a bleed and placed Helena on a path to actively choosing reintegration somewhere down the line.

Ultimately, Helena doesn’t know who she is right now, so neither do we.

[glitteryinknotes]

Astarion & his life before Cazador

After seeing a few different takes on it, my thoughts have been circling around Astarion's pre - vampiric life and what it must have been like to shape him into the person we know, behind the trauma and his attempts to hide the truth of his feelings and vulnerability inside him.

After days of musings, I've tried to gather my thoughts into a single analysis of a sort, both on his general mindset and his life as the person buried in the graveyard as Astarion Ancunin.

What can be said - disappointing as it is - is that in his life he most likely was what can be tactfully referred to as "an asshole". He held a magistrate's position, but most likely didn't give a damn about anything other than luxuries this position provided him with and the life of utter debauchery he was given on a silver plate. I don't think he's ever had to really fend for anything nor work towards anything, or deal with any kind of problems either on personal or any other level. What's worse - he probably had his part in some form of severe oppression of the common people, otherwise why would he get jumped and beaten to death (his attackers clearly aimed for his death, not just a lesson to be taught) in his own city.

(I would like to mark at that point that my further thoughts are not an excuse for him being a shitty person. If he was a dick indeed, that's on him)

Astarion is, fundamentally, as others have pointed out before me, a rather selfish person - or more specifically, self - absorbed to the point of selfishness. That's one of his core vices.

However.

He isn't an evil person either. He is capable of compassion and taking interest in other people. He is fiercely loyal to those he loves (that being Tav) and capable of consideration, pride and joy for those he considers friends. He is very slow to trust (understandably so) or accept kindness - but once he does, he remains true to the people who granted him those gifts. His confession scenes are the best proof of that - where his consience, still intact, is eating him up as he can't stomach leading on the only person he knows who treated him well.

And as much as he adores his own charms, beauty, pleasure, fine things, there is deep within him the yearning for something more than that. He isn't truly sated by all of those shallow things, nor is he pushed to any kind of growth within them. This yearning is something he is barely able to recognise and understand himself, let alone pursue it. But it's there.

Astarion's character and behavioral patterns must have been shaped before. The trauma from Cazador's enslavement broke him, scarred his psyche to unimaginable extent, exposed his worse qualities and drove him to become a shell of who he could have been, leaving him utterly out of touch with himself, burdened with indescribable guilt and self - loathing, stuck in desperate survival mindset. But his inner self was still shaped somewhere and somehow.

I've come to imagine that his pre-vampiric life wasn't really a happy one. It was undoubtedly rich, loud, unspoiled by any hardships, but fundamentally empty. Without any semblance of meaning, without any true kinship with anyone or any genuine emotional intimacy. Even if he lived like there was no tomorrow and nothing in the world mattered but his pleasure - deep down, maybe he knew he wasn't truly satisfied and that no amount of shameless, drunk debauchery would ever fullfill this emptiness. Perhaps he craved something more after all, something he hadn't been taught how to seek.

Now how could it have come to that?

He was most likely born in some wealthy local family (or one with considerable influence in the city) that held the position of the magistrate for generations, hence his lifestyle and being granted the title at such a young age for elven standards (he was 39 at the time of his presumed death; i personally would equal that to no more than 30 years by human standards, more like middle 20s even). He was obviously somebody's son - but I don't personally believe he ever experienced the healthy, genuine love a child should be provided, he strikes me as a type of person who never quite had a good, trusted role model to look up to, no one to call him out on his vices and lovingly steer him into growing into a possibly best version of himself. No one to check him on his selfish instincts and show him that there may be a more rewarding way of going through the world. That kind of thing usually happens through some sort of neglect and lack of sufficient care; my guess is that he never had an actual meaningful bond with his parents, was raised mostly by hired caretakers and overall in his childhood didn't experience the much needed selfless love & care from emotionally close people, the kind of love that subconsciously makes us believe that there is good and kindness in the world and that it's worth the effort on our part.

Whatever came in his elder years couldn't have been better, and it certainly didn't make him a better person. Some amount of power, money, countless pleasures, all of that he so adores but which doesn't ultimately fullfill him nor make him truly value and appreciate himself on a deeper level. And after his death - he was most likely mourned in some way, but not necessarily missed by anyone and was quickly forgotten. Perhaps his parents remembered - but they too eventually moved on.

What leads me to believe that?

The most interesting thing about Astarion's final love declaration to Tav is that he says he feels "seen" with them. It's one of the most beautiful things we people can offer each other - the feeling of being "seen" and safe in that sight, understood, felt, valued. That can only happen when the other person knows us well enough to be aware of all the ugly qualities we possess, but is just as aware of our capability for all the good ones, and so, in the greater picture sees the better version of ourselves (sometimes even better than we ourselves can picture) and that vision, when truly caring for the other person, we trust and want to live up to. By seeing ourselves the way our loved one sees us, we allow ourselves to grow and be better.

I don't think Astarion ever had that kind of person. I don't believe that he ever, in his pre - vampiric life, experienced a kind of love and trust needed for such a feeling - being "seen", and wanting to be seen as someone good, worthy, valued. Even more - I don't think he ever had any kind of true friend or companion. And that kind of emptiness deeply cripples a person, no matter who they are.

The tragic thing is - Tav may not be the first person to show Astarion kindness and care after years of torment from Cazador, they may be the first selflessly caring and kind person in his entire life. Even if he doesn't remember anything about his previous life, emotionally, he doesn't even seem to recognise the feeling of being cared for, considered, valued, appreciated for who he is, he doesn't instinctively recognise emotional closeness of any kind. Tav may be his first ever true companion, confidant, someone he comes to value and trust enough, that he eventually wants to be the same for them - and be better himself.

Tav may just be the first person to be a selfless and genuinely healthy influence for him, the first person to call him out on shitty behaviour and challenge him, but also to the first one to care. Ever. The first person Astarion comes to care about. The person through whom he learns to care and value more, both others and himself. And the person through whom he learns to love.

I don't believe he ever loved before, nor was he truly loved in the first place. Maybe he never tried, maybe he never dared, maybe he didn't know how to, maybe no one taught him. Tav was the best thing to happen to him in both of his lives.

[nozomi-kaizoku]

FASHION JIRAIS DNI /SRS

The thing that really annoys me about the reyinblack situation is how they're the ones telling us to "get help" even though a lot of us are already doing that and are just using tumblr as a way to find a support group n shit.

Rey has this stupid belief that you should cope the way other people cope, and if you don't you're "glamorizing it and influencing others", and it genuinely baffles me how completely ignorant they are surrounding both the topics of jirai kei and mental health as a whole.

since when has anyone in the jirai community ever encouraged anyone to self harm? The only self harm shit I've seen coming from the jirai community are literally people just talking about their own struggles with self harm.

Tbh, the only thing I don't like about my self harm is that whenever I relapse I have to hide it until it heals so that my family doesn't get pissy at me over it (especially my dad, cause he deadass once told me "self harm is stupid", and honestly, wtf), but that's just me. People got their own reasons why they romanticize their own self harm.

And I am putting the emphasis on the "their own" part, because this douchebag really missed that part and I don't think they'd bother to care anyways.

Also, "just get a diary" THIS IS MY DIARY, JACKWAD. My therapist knows that this blog exists, i literally showed it to her to look at. And I start intensive outpatient therapy next week, so idk what you're on about when you say I should "get help."

Speaking of "getting help", I do agree that if someone needs professional help, they should try to get it as soon as possible. Walk in crisis centers exist (at least in Colorado where I'm from)

But regardless of whatever it's for, when someone does get help, it doesn't mean that all of your problems will go away.

it means that you are learning the skills needed to cope with them so that you don't end up doing some genuinely harmful behaviors like drugs or risky sex.

Sometimes getting help means de-escalating from a crisis so that you don't try to kill yourself or others.

Or it could be to help manage some behavioral issues or trauma that you had to deal with.

People get this stupid misconception that the minute you go to the psych ward for a few days or start talking to a therapist, that all of a sudden you're gonna be this mentally stable and happy person who has no issues whatsoever. I've been dealing with the mental health industry for 5 years and yet I still haven't gotten better, if anything I feel fucking worse tbh.

And to add on to that, not everyone has that same kind of access to help. Sometimes parents don't believe their kids are struggling and refuse to get them help, sometimes financial barriers can make it difficult to afford it, lots of things.

Japan (the place where Jirai Kei originated) has a major issue when it comes down to the stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness, and getting help is completely discouraged there. That's where the Jirai Kei community comes in to help destigmatize mental health (while looking cute as shit).

but the part that's gotta piss me off the most regarding this situation is how rey is so upset that different ways to cope exist to the point they're literally reporting blogs and getting them t worded ALL BECUASE NOBODY AGREES WITH WHAT THEY GOTTA SAY.

Sheesh, and people tell ME I can't take criticism...

Anyway, just wanna say that if you see reyinblack anywhere, please report and block them. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM.

Thank you.

[hyog-blog]

Fangs of Fortune (ep. 5 + ep. 6) [rewatch]

Rewatching is hard :D I got so sucked into the show (again!) that I didn't even bother stopping to process it (again!).

But this scene/sequence/episode in particular is so precious - not only do we get to meet Li Lun again, but he establishes himself as ZYZ's rival and the enemy of their whole little team for the nearest future.

We also see him get hurt by Zhao Yuanzhou's words and, what's even more fascinating, we see ZYZ and Zhuo Yichen work together in such unison against him, effortlessly and quite naturally like they've done it their whole lives.

Zhao Yuanzhou doesn't even think twice about protecting Zhuo Yichen, having already noticed Li Lun's presence at the end of ep.5 (and he may not have the Truth Eye, he may not be tuned into Li Lun with his heart like before, but he spots Zhuo Yichen's sword glow and he does realize it must be him before anyone else can, and that still speaks volumes about how much that man meant to him, at least, before).

This episode has that extra layer of depth because Zhuo Yichen gets to dream for the first time in a long while, and what a dream it is! That whole Inception-esque sequence of going deeper into his psyche and his very soul using water as a portal (so cool!) until he reaches not even his own dreams, but a variation of Wen Xiao's memory (so meta!) where he witnesses her being killed by Zhu Yan and he can't save her (probably one of his biggest fears, to not be able to save the person he cherishes the most, again, just like it happened with his brother).

But that last dream must have a deeper metaphorical meaning because when he realizes that Zhu Yan isn't the ultimate evil that he has to fight outside of himself, but merely a representation of his own helplessness and fear and that malicious energy that was his own and not something created by Zhu Yan, then he gets his moment of epiphany and, maybe, as I imagine it, that is also a major shift in his understanding of life and fate and what role Zhao Yuanzhou played in all of it, which later helps him forgive ZYZ when he finds out that it wasn't actually him personally who killed his brother and father, which makes all the difference.

Like, it's such an important moment for him to be able to dream and to find himself again, and truly meet with his darkest fears inside of that dream, that I can only applaud the showrunners for putting this extra layer of depth into the development of Zhuo Yichen's character.

And, of course, there's the notion of Zhao Yuanzhou sacrificing himself just to help Zhuo YIchen see, to show him the truth, whatever it was, like he was already tuned in so much into Zhuo Yichen and what was happening to him that he could at least guess even without using the mind-link about what horrors would torment this young man in his dreams. And knowing very well that he's pretty much on top of the list of his possible nightmares.

And making the other see is such an important theme in this show. Because some people just see the truth naturally (like Zhuo Yichen) while others stay blind while even having the Truth Eye (like Li Lun).

That it is Zhao Yuanzhou who lets Zhuo Yichen pierce his heart and uses his blood to wake up the sword and, subsequently, wake up ZYC and bring him back to life from the death-dream, already speaks volumes about the bond they are already sharing and what it would turn into later. Wen Xiao wouldn't have been able to bring Zhuo Yichen back from that dream, and no one else could. It's such a shared fate/destiny moment, especially knowing that it was Li Lun who created this whole situation to begin with and gave Zhuo Yichen his dreams back. So many layers, oh my god.

[mrs-kmikaelson]

01| The Tribrid

Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x daughter!reader, Marcel Gerard x reader (platonic) Summary: While you're away on an impromptu break, Marcel comes to try and get you to come back to help him face the Mikaelsons who just so happen to be your long lost family (but no else knows that). Warnings: none Words: 3.2K

Masterlist | Part 2

a/n: i guess this kinda fits in with season one, but it's more of an AU than anything. so, it has elements of the s1 plot, like the marcel and klaus feud, the hope plot, but the villains from s1 won't really be present. like i said, AU. but without further adieu, on we go.

New Orleans was a land of plastic beads and festivals for days–a tourist attraction, which basically meant a blood bank. I knew what lurked in the shadows, what whispered through the grapevine behind the music, but Originals... I didn't know they were back.

Word travels fast around the Quarter, but I haven't been there; I was in Mystic Falls, too busy following up on a lead about the Mikaelsons to even realize that they were at the place I started, my home. 

Marcel wouldn't stop talking about it. As soon as I got back, I was flooded with information and, as soon as I got back, I could hear the whispers from a mile away. Most reactions to the arrival of such a family were scared, livid, shocked, but I was none of the above.

I didn't have a thing to say back to Marcel, not a thing to say to the people who were suddenly confusing me with Rebekah Mikaelson. I didn't have an inch of emotion about it, not surprise, not fear. I mean, how could anyone be surprised? How could I be surprised, scared?

How could I be surprised by my own family?

"Klaus needs to learn his place." I internally rolled my eyes at Marcel's, basically, monologue, continuing to sift through pages of the magazine in my hands. "He's outta line." 

Klaus Mikaelson was always out of line– he had no line, no boundaries. He was Klaus Mikaelson and that was the only line there was, but I didn't say that. When Marcel was having one of his tantrums, I learned to just listen to him; interrupting or putting my own two cents in just made the conversation longer and I only wanted it to end. 

"He thinks he can just kick me out of the Quarter, out of my home, the bastard. Who does he think he is?" Rhetorical question, I had to remind myself, holding my tongue. The former king of New Orleans was sitting across from me at a coffee shop in New York. A coffee shop.

He was calling this his 'vacation' but we both knew that the only reason he was here was because boss man told him to leave. Honestly, I don't know why I'm here. I'm supposed to be in a university class, but it doesn't really matter if I can just compel the grade, right?

I was doing psych this time; Cami's always saying all these things to me about how she thinks my brain works and I honestly want to learn how it does. Saying I have a PhD might actually get me a significant other, but, knowing myself, the whole triangle of creatures thing might freak them out. 

At least I haven't gone as low as Marcel.

"Y'know, just because that ass is an Original doesn't mean he's suddenly the shit." 

This time, I didn't bother trying to hide the roll of my eyes, continuing to flip through my magazine as I responded. "Uh... it kinda does." I could feel his glare on my forehead as my eyes widened at Kim K's ass. Not even being a Vampire gives you that- "And, Marcel, I don't know if you've realized it yet, but he isn't just an Original."

I looked up at him for the first time since his rant started and gave him a pointed look. Sometimes, he didn't think with his head. 

Marcel shrugged like he was saying, 'so what' silently. "Tyler what's-his-name is a hybrid, too."

I raised a brow at him. "A hybrid turned by Klaus, and wasn't he the guy who tried to kill Klaus' wife or whatever, inadvertently but intentionally trying to kill himself, and then failed?" 

"Not the point, Y/N/N." The fuck it isn't- "The point is that the man is such a dick because his is so small." Gross. Didn't need to hear that.

"Didn't he adopt you or something?"

"Is that all you're getting from what I'm saying?"

I made a face at him, putting my magazine down on the table. "Can I be honest and say I don't get anything from this conversation?"

He deadpanned, "You're annoying."

"Glad you're just now figuring that out, Cellie." I got up from my seat, patting him on his back. "Please, though, go have this talk with Camille instead."

I started walking away, but Marcel only got up and began following me out, making me hold in a groan. God, men, they can never take a damn hint.

"Hey, where you headed?" He asked, but he dismissed his own question just as quick as I would've. "And aren't you supposed to talk to me and help me figure out my problems? You're studying psych, aren't you?"

I scoffed, "Yeah, people usually pay for a psychiatrist to talk to them." Honestly, I don't know why Marcel was here. With a God complex like his, you'd expect him to stay and, y'know, get himself killed. It's not like him to use his brain so suddenly.

He could've gone to damn Vegas, maybe LA, but he just has to come to where I am, right after I leave. He's getting a break from his 'Kingly' duties; Klaus is taking that off his hands, so why isn't he enjoying it and taking an actual vacation instead of visiting me and calling it a holiday? I'm not the Eiffel Tower, for Pete's sake.

It's a power struggle. People like him, came from the bottom and wanted nothing more than to be at the top, fighting against people like Originals, who had been where my friend wanted to be since the beginning of time. 

Marcel didn't want to admit he was playing a losing game.

"You telling me to go home, Y/L/N?"

I rolled my eyes. What gave it away? "Precisely, Gerard."

I was just about to make it to my car when Marcel sped in front of me. I looked up at the sky and pinched my eyes. God, he was insufferable. Honestly, it shouldn't have surprised me that he came all this way just to bitch. But what he said next did surprise me.

"Come back with me, then."

My eyes snapped open and I stared at him incredulously. What the fuck.

I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't hallucinating and Cellie slapped my arm. "C'mon, Y/N/N. It'll be funnnnnnnnn." The way he dragged out the word did not convince me in the slightest.

I got over my shock and voiced my thoughts. "You want me to come back because you think drama with the Mikaelsons is- fun?"

He was quick with his response. "It could be." He then snorted. "Hell, I'd love to see Klaus' reaction to a girl like you, stronger than him-" I cut him off with my magic, his lips slamming shut immediately. It was only a temporary thing, just stops a person from speaking for a second, so he'd be able to continue right after, but he got the point and shut up.

I've known Marcel for close to fifty years. Met him in the seventies. He tried to kill me and I knocked him off his feet with a classic telekinesis spell. Since then, he's known about who I am and he's also decided that he's better off having me on his team. Whatever the hell that means.

I usually like to keep the whole tribrid thing under wraps, hence why I got Marcel to stop talking.

I gave him a look. "Klaus wouldn't have any reaction what I am, because he wouldn't know." Apparently, my gaze conveyed my message well enough because Marcel raised his hands in surrender. 

"Okay, okay," he conceded. "No one's gotta know. But you should come back anyway."

I can't say I haven't thought about it. I know I can't stay out in New York forever. 

I rolled my eyes. I can't believe I'm actually giving thought to something Marcel says. "Okay, gimme time and I'll think about it."

He grinned and pointed finger guns at me, walking backwards away from me. "Think it over and we'll talk about it tomorrow." He turned around and walked away with a kick in his step before he disappeared completely, moving too fast for the human eye to detect.

I sighed and shook my head, the smallest of smiles growing on my face. Ah, Marcel. 

I pulled out my keys, walking to my car and thinking about what he asked. 

It's sorta odd, I suppose. Considering how long I've been watching the Mikaelsons, you'd think I'd be the first one there in New Orleans, keeping tabs on them, but the only way I knew about their escapades was from Marcel who told me voluntarily.

That was one thing he didn't know about me; no one did. No one knew about my connection to the Mikaelsons, not even the Mikaelsons themselves, which is partially why I don't wanna go back to NOLA just yet.

My apartment's in the Quarter, way too close to the Abbatoir and, according to Marcel, that's now Original HQ. It's too risky, my rational side said.

Yet, the other part of me that spent almost my entire life tracking them, being infatuated with them, thinks that being so close to them would be favourable. 

And, like most times, the irrational part of my brain wins the battle in decision-making.

Fuck. Marcel's gonna have to buy me a lot of alcohol for this one.

Walking through the quarter again is like that human expression 'like riding a bike.' I've obviously never ridden a bike, but I get what the expression is meant to say. It's referring to doing something that comes naturally to you.

That's what this is.

Marcel is beside me as we walk past both all the tourists and locals. It's easy to tell the difference between the two. I compelled movers earlier to unload all my stuff back into my apartment so I have nothing to worry about other than getting reacquainted with my city.

The path we took eventually led us to Rousseau's and as soon as we entered my eyes scanned the bar for Cami, who I know for a fact Marcel is obsessed with. But she's way too good for him.

I went and sat down at the bar and waited for her to come our way. She wasn't paying much attention when she came over, wiping down some glasses. "Hey, what can I getcha?"

"The usual." Her head shot up when she heard me and a smile broke out on her face. "Y/N/N?" She put down what she was holding and came around the counter, embracing me in a hug. "Oh my God, I thought you were gonna be stuck in the big apple for a while still."

I chuckled. "Yeah, well Marcel happened to- no, nevermind, Marcel just happened." She let out a laugh and went back around the counter, greeting Marcel and getting to work on our drinks.

"Well, I'm glad you're back," she said.

Marcel inserted himself into the conversation and I tuned them out after that, letting the two of them flirt. Cami probably didn't define it as flirting, but she definitely was.

I think she liked Marcel, but she was in denial about it. I get why though. She didn't wanna fall for a guy that was bad news and she had doubts about him, reasonable doubts.

But beyond the vampirism and ego, I knew Marcel would treat her right. That's why I got up from my seat straight after downing my drink, catching their attention. 

"Hey, I'm gonna head out, It's getting late anyways and I still have to unpack." Marcel rose a brow at me, knowing I didn't have to unpack shit, but he should be grateful. I'm basically cupid and I'm shooting them both right now.

Cami gave a little sigh. "You just got here, though-"

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, promise!" I smiled at her for emphasis and she untensed and reciprocated the action.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then." Her and Cellie both waved bye to me and I walked out the door. God, I was just itching to get out of there. The tension between them was suffocating me. 

I put my hands into my pockets and glanced at the sky that had darkened significantly from when Marcel and I entered the bar. I guess we were there for longer than I thought.

There weren't really any tourists left walking around, only a few people that actually lived in the area. No vampires were allowed to fuck with the locals and, besides, most of the locals were witches, anyways. 

Even humans like Cami should be safe walking through the Quarter at night, but even then, if you didn't know about the supernatural while living in NOLA then you were in a whole other kind of danger. Knowledge is power.

Even if you were a witch, that was still risky. And if you were a werewolf, then forget it. Vampires were the only people without fear nowadays, it seemed.

Luckily, or unfortunately, I was all three creatures. 

"Back off," My ears picked up the sound of a girl growling. My eyes hadn't found her yet, but my nose worked faster. Werewolf.

Whoever she was talking to seemed to have that ability as well and murmured, "You're a werewolf." He was shaken but then he laughed, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun with you." Vampire.

Damnit, my first day back in the Quarter and, already, I'm dealing with the remnants of drama caused by Marcel. I sighed, thinking it's none of my damn business. But I could hear the sound of that girl's heart pitter pattering and I knew I couldn't just ignore it.

Motherfucker.  

I rolled my eyes and strained my ears a little more to guide me to where they were, my senses leading me to an alleyway where the wolf girl and the vampire stood. His back was facing me so he couldn't see me, but the girl caught my gaze and her eyes widened.

The vampire's head cocked. "What are you looking at?" Just as he turned to face me, I ran up to him and snapped his neck. His body fell to the floor with an ungraceful thump and I pushed a lock of hair away from my face, looking up to the girl who wore an expression of shock.

I had a sarcastic comment in my head that I felt like saying, but honestly, I just wanted to go home so I pushed it to the side and gave her a serious look. "You shouldn't walk all alone in the Quarter at night. It can be dangerous."

She shook off her surprise and stood taller, scoffing, "I can handle myself." Oh, for sure, I thought. This time, I was gonna speak my thoughts, but a heartbeat caught me by surprise. I held back a stagger and looked down to her stomach where the little thumping was coming from. 

A pregnant werewolf.

My stare remained on her stomach as I cautioned, "You really shouldn't be out in the Quarter on your own. Especially if you're pregnant." I looked back up to her when her arms quickly wrapped themselves around her stomach. 

She was a little more reserved now, stepping away from me a little and saying, "Trust me, I've got people looking out for me."

I snorted. "And where are they?"

She didn't reply, instead she only wrapped her arms around herself tighter. I get it; werewolves oughta be careful with vampires in this city and she thinks I'm a vampire- or just a vampire, rather. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and waved it. "I'll call the baby's father now and he'll come get me." She kept staring at me for a few more seconds before adding, "So thank you, really, but I'll be fine now." Translation: please go away. 

I nodded at her and turned around as she began dialling. I wanted to get home anyway and I didn't need to stick around to see any baby daddy drama. Since that girl was a werewolf, baby daddy was probably some form of supernatural and therefore huge ego. Entertaining, but could get annoying.

I continued back on the route to my apartment per usual, passing by a few people and a few other neighbours I waved to. I knew all the locals, and I know for a fact girl doesn't live in the Quarter for two reasons. One, I don't know her, and two, werewolves aren't exactly welcome in the Quarter.

Of course, I'm a werewolf too, but no one knows that.

Knowing that werewolves aren't welcome here makes me wonder if she knew that, makes me wonder why she's here in the first place but as soon as my mind starts wandering, I steer myself back, reminding myself it really is none of my business. 

I'll probably never see her again, anyway.

Sooner than not, I make it to my townhouse. Just before I'm about to go up the steps to the door, I stop and turn to the side, staring out at all the other houses and little shops. If I walked a little further, I'd make it to the compound that was no longer Marcel's territory.

If I walked a little further, the Mikaelsons would be right there. And should they ever walk this way, they might just see me.

I shook my head and walked up the steps, opening my door. 

The Mikaelsons are a problem for another day. Right now, I'm going to bed.

When I wake up the next day, it's noon and someone is calling me. I picked up the phone without checking the caller ID, knowing who it was anyway. "Yes, Marcel?" I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and turned over so the sun wasn't fucking my eyeballs.

"Ooh, you sound happy to hear my voice."

"Just elated, Cellie." I stuck my head into my pillow and grumbled, "Elated."

Marcel snickered. "Well, good because we have a party to go to."

My head moves up from the pillow. "What?" Marcel threw parties all the time, but since he lost his power, he didn't have anywhere to throw one.

"It's a Mikaelson bash." My breath got caught in my throat at the mention of the name, but Marel didn't notice, continuing on with bitterness in his voice. "It's to show the city who's in charge now."

I quickly got over the Mikaelson name drop like usual and probed, "But aren't you supposed to be banished from the Quarter?" I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. "Going to that thing just sounds like a recipe for disaster."

"Sure, you could view it like that, but Klaus won't try anything while we're there."

"And why's that?"

"Because the party's supposed to be a symbol for peace, too. We'll be fine. Plus, I need a date."

I held back a snort. "What, Cami's busy?"

"She's working the bar tonight," he replied. "So you've gotta come with me."

I felt a sigh coming on. For fuck's sake, I just got back. I wasn't expecting this to happen yet.

I was gonna contemplate for a while longer but Marcel didn't give me that time. Instead, he just quickly told me he'd be picking me up at 8 and hung on me, making me gasp.

Son of a bitch.

[theanalyzerguy]

In Defense of Van

I've seen some hate for Adult Van because of her actions in the season 2 finale of Yellowjackets, and with season 3 about a month away, I want to give my perspective on her actions during the hunt. I'll give a spoiler warning from this point on, just in case.

First of all, does Van believe as an adult?

I don't think so. She was nowhere near Lottie and didn't even know she wasn't in Switzerland anymore when Tai came to her shop, and she was originally going to leave after dropping Tai off. She never seemed particularly happy to be there and wasn't enthusiastic to see Lottie, and none of them wanted to go on the hunt. She seemed to have accepted her cancer diagnosis and was as content as someone could be in that situation. Her face when she saw Lottie was one of shock, not one of reverence.

Why does she ask Tai to call off the psych team?

Van tells Tai why she wants her to call off the psych team. She wants to help Lottie on their own because they made a pact to watch out for each other. Putting her back in a mental health facility wouldn't help her. Just because Van doesn't believe anymore doesn't mean she doesn't care about Lottie. They were close in the Wilderness, and that's not going to go away. When she says, "We made her like this." she is expressing her guilt for what happened in the Wilderness and why she wants them to help her on their own.

What about her actions during the hunt?

This is where a theory I came up with after watching the episode comes into play. I think Van managed to rig the deck to make sure none of them got the queen card on the first draw. After they all picked a card, she nodded her head like she was happy with the outcome. Then Lottie told them to draw again, and the face she made definitely wasn't happy. She looked upset and scared because she likely wanted to reason with Lottie after that, but the opportunity was taken away. They all start following Shauna after she gets the queen the second time, but it doesn't look like any of them, except Lottie, are really into it. None of them are screaming or even seem like they are having any kind of fun. This is in stark contrast with the hunt in the teen timeline when they are going after Natalie.

What about the aftermath of the hunt?

Van definitely didn't want to see anyone killed. I don't believe she would have killed Shauna, and they were all upset when Natalie was killed. She isn't really responsible for Natalie's death since she had no idea about Lisa or Misty's weapon, but that doesn't mean she and everyone else don't feel guilty. I don't think the idea even crossed her mind to have someone sacrificed to cure her cancer because her entire demeanor is one of acceptance, and she doesn't believe in the Wilderness as an adult. When Lottie says, "The Wilderness has been fed. You'll see." She grimaces. Again, it is not a happy expression. She knows what Lottie means, but she doesn't believe it anymore, plus Natalie is dead.

Van in the teen timeline

A lot of people seem to think what she said to Travis after Javi died makes her a horrible person, but while it was maybe a little heartless and harsh, it makes perfect sense why she said it. Van is a survivor. She is happy to be alive in a situation where she has almost died multiple times, and realistically they're all happy they will live another day. Also, at this point, she believes in the Wilderness. When she says, "Don't let his sacrifice go to waste." she is not manipulating him. As a believer, she really does believe that the Wilderness chose, and it would be wrong not to eat what they were given.

This isn't to absolve Van of all guilt or turn her into a saint, I just wanted to share my interpretation of her character and give another perspective to those who dislike her.

[asheepinfrance]

fic 1 of hopefully 4 tn. hopefully... i am asking you to hope with me because this girl is distractable. anyways here's a little tashi piece that i started yesterday and finished most of just now. i don't love love love this one because im still kinda finding my tashi characterization, so please feel so free to go "hey queen this is hot doodoo ass". also dw i saw the poll, already got an art piece in mind to get started on. i am writing for the people's princesses tn. the usual spiel: thanks for reading, feel free to leave tips and such, all my love.

When Tashi started this whole thing you both have, she was convinced it was just out of pity. I mean, who was she to deny you a date when you were practically wide-eyed and whimpering at her feet. Ok, well maybe it wasn’t that pathetic, but it may as well have been. You would’ve begged her to take a chance because girls are good, too. She knows it, you readily admit it, and it’s a surprise to no one because there’s not one guy who wouldn’t beg for Tashi Duncan. It was only mildly insulting to see the shock on everyone’s face when she chose, of all the suitors presented to her, you. The girl in the back of her Abnormal Psych class with a warmth about her. A warmth that’s usually sequestered until it crawls up and out of your throat. Tashi never had that warmth about her. At least, that’s what she told herself. She’s not so sure if that’s true anymore, or if it ever was. You seem determined to make her realize things about herself, like, how maybe the reason she just hated all her former, puppy-pathetic boyfriends wasn’t them, but their not being women. Who knew? (She did, somewhere deep down).

There were some perks to the whole girl thing, even if it wasn’t a serious relationship. To you it was, but to her this was just giving you the attention you so clearly needed from her. You’ve accepted as much, you’re just grateful to get it in any capacity. I mean, she never looks suspicious if she’s out wearing your clothes, and no one questions why she has a new shade of lipstick on some days, and a perfume she’s never used coating her skin. Because it’s just her liking the comfort of being with a girl. You’re like a best friend, really. A best friend she just happens to find very pretty. A best friend who finds her pretty in return. 

She doesn’t outright reject your physical affection either, from the sweet, strawberry-flavored kisses that leave her lips sticky with gloss to the arms around her waist, fingertips just under the fabric of her shirt. Of course, she responds with enthusiasm. Not cause she likes you doing it, specifically, but who doesn’t like a little bit of touch? She’s cold and relatively uncaring, when she can remember to maintain that front, with you until you place a hand on her. It’s like some mystery switch gets flipped and it’s all she can do not to melt. Tashi Duncan doesn’t melt for anyone. She certainly doesn’t melt for women, because that’s just not who she is. 

Oh, she’s so fucked. Royally fucked. Of course she offered to help you get dressed for some night clubbing with those friends she doesn’t really like, fake ID at the ready on the nightstand nearby, because that’s one thing she’s experienced in. She knows the world of putting on a perfect physical front like no one else does. But it’s doing something to her she’s never felt. Or at least, she’s never readily admitted to herself that she’s feeling it. You’re running that stupid, strawberry-flavored gloss of your lips, looking at her through the mirror. That dress is so short. You could bend just about any part of your body and be in seriously risky territory. She’s not complaining when it’s for her, because she did happen to get a glimpse of some black lace and she’s just waiting for it to happen again. But other people? Other girls? Like hell that’s happening. Because as much as she might tell herself it’s not the case, she really does like you. She likes just about everything you’ve revealed of yourself. That you’re understanding about the whole “new to girls” thing, that you guide her through just about any moment of fear she presents (usually via anger). 

Had she always been able to be honest with herself, she knows she would’ve said something sooner. Done something grander than just let things happen. Tashi doesn’t sit back and take things, and she’s disgusted with herself for having let you take the lead of this because poor little Tashi is brand new to the world of dating girls. Fuck that. Fuck sympathy, fuck pity, and fuck inaction. 

She’s only ready to admit she could love a girl, love a specific one, after everything. You’d told your friends you’d come down with a fever, and spent just as much time getting your hair ruined as you did putting it in place. It’d been the first time she’d initiated anything, wandering hands and soft lips meeting, and it spiraled into what’s still got her breathless. She’d only ever felt that good on the court, as stupid as that may sound, but it’s true. You fell asleep not too long after, pretty, tiny dress all crumpled up at the foot of the bed, breathing soft against her face where it rests close to yours. There’s smudges of pink across your chin and black trails of mascara cascading down the apples of your cheeks, and she knows you’d hate yourself if you let yourself fall asleep with that much product on to seep into your pores and stain your pillowcases. She wipes it away with about as much delicateness as she can. She finds she has much more than she’d been previously aware of. Maybe it’s only accessible in your presence. She finds herself just watching you breathe for the longest time, bare skin warm against hers, legs tangled around hers like ivy on a tree. 

She says what she means to the top of your head, and it seems like you’re a much better actress than she’d thought, because you tilt your head up to press a matching kiss between her furrowed brows, and say “I love you, too.” It’s the first time Tashi lets herself fully relax in anyone’s presence, certainly yours, since she was too young to remember that all anyone wants from her is perfection. That’s probably what she loves about you so much. You just want her. And she just wants you.

[wardensantoineandevka]

What classes do you think the mighty nein would play, were they to play dnd? Bonus round would they be good at dnd.

I had a post about this like back in 2020 or something that I cannot find, so I don't know if my opinions have changed since then. I don't have anyone down as DMing because I assume that even their forever DM has a preferred class.

Fjord - Cleric I don't think Fjord would like tanking that much because getting attacked makes him nervous, but he doesn't want to be a glass cannon either. I think that he would initially go for cleric because he simply wants to be useful and helpful, but he didn't necessarily realize how big of a job being the cleric is. He starts out as a just Cure Wounds dispenser, but quickly flourishes into a Holy Terror Wrath Of The Righteous Divine cleric. He loves doing that. His mechanics are solid and efficient and he's tactically astute, but he's a timid roleplayer who struggles to initiate scenes. He's solid if drawn into scenes and forgets to be self-conscious because he's got a better character sense than he thinks. Literally do not ask him what the overall plot of the campaign is because he cannot remember no matter how hard he tries; he remembers individual PC arcs though. I think he'd also like paladins, bards, and druids, and I do think he'd be willing to play some of the more involved fighters like the Knights subclasses and the cooler rangers.

Beau - Wizard She wants to be the person in the game who gets all the information, and that's usually a wizard. She wants to put her little hands all over all the lore, and also she loves having a spell list that's a billion miles long. She does not want you to know that she feels so smugly satisfied playing a character who can do the research and have the connections and know the information. She absolutely hates that this means she's made of tissue paper, so she tends toward Con wizard. Her mechanics and exploration work are really good, and she is stellar at engaging in the world in a way that's highly informed by her character class. She struggles with the roleplaying part of things a lot. She has a decent grasp of character, it's the actual RPing part that she has trouble with. If you can convince her to play a charisma caster, which she is afraid of doing, she'd also enjoy bard a lot. Also monks and artificers.

Caleb - Wizard This is self-explanatory. Caleb is a guy who plays a wizard or the full damage caster in every single game. This is who he is. He is great mechanically until you gotta discuss non-spell stuff. He did, in fact, read that portion of the rules, but it was never relevant to him, so he deleted it from his head. His spell choices and use are phenomenal though. He min-maxes but specifically for the weirdest, most niche element that is useful one time, but it is extremely clutch that one time it's relevant. He is also great at the storytelling portion, though his roleplaying can be a little dense or dry. If you can make him play something that's not a wizard, druid or bard. He will not play a healer druid or bard though.

Veth - Warlock She wants to make bad decisions in her games, and she loves that a warlock comes prepackaged with bad decisions. She has a solid grasp of her spellcasting mechanics, but also finds full casting intimidating. She loves the concept of being a wizard in theory but actually playing one stresses her out. She is a very loud and excitable player, which can be a lot of fun if, uh, loud. She fucking supports you and is into whatever it is you're doing, especially if it's so dumb to do. She is inventing the weirdest and most ambiguously intense patron relationship of all time. She also would enjoy paladins, rangers, artificers, and the fancier fighters (again, the Knights subclasses). She could be eased into cleric if a niche in the party is clear and her mechanical role is structured. She can totally handle full casting, including wizards, she just psyches / stresses herself out.

Jester - Bard I feel like people are going to be like "what about barbarian," but I think that Jester tried it once and the comparative lack of options made her really frustrated. She loves the idea of hitting things, but she hates it when 80% of her options is just hitting it. She is attracted to the charisma casters though, because she really likes the charisma skillset, and she really wants to cast a lot of spells. Out of the charisma caster options, she likes bards best because she loves being a little good at everything. She tends to be a little over-competitive about it and gets sulky when she doesn't feel useful enough. She is actually iffy on mechanical nitty-gritty, but her basics and groundwork is solid so it's fine, but she's a really great if melodramatic roleplayer and her social encounter work is great. She is deeply engaged in the narrative and is intensely invested in every NPC. Buys so fucking hard into the suspension of disbelief. She would like the fancier fighters and paladins better than a barbarian.

Molly - Bard He is playing the stereotype bard of everyone's nightmares. I will not further elaborate.

Caduceus - Ranger He does like to ask the plants and animals question in-game as well, and rangers let him do that and have a bit of magic too without being overwhelming as a class. He isn't super interested in doing complex characters; this is not being bad at D&D, to be clear, it's just a preference. He's your friend who is here to play a simple character because he just wants to hang out with you, which I think is always very sweet. That said, he is not very good mechanically. It's a lot of stuff to keep track of even with 5e being a little simpler. I think he would also like playing paladins or the straightforward fighters, or a cleric if he can decide what his niche is and stick to that specifically. He doesn't vibe with barbarians.

Yasha - Druid She is initially drawn to the class for the vibes (always a valid reason to be drawn to a class), but I think she enjoys having spellcasting options and options that aren't "hit it". She is a timid and awkward roleplayer who has a lot of trouble there, even though she has a lot of fun making up backstory and engaging with the lore and story. Her spellcasting is creative and experimental because she loves weird. She is one of the button pushers of the table and is giggling when she does it. (She and Veth are menaces, lmao, it's great.) I think she'd also enjoy bards, maybe clerics and warlocks, and the fancier fighters and rangers.