#does any of this make sense? idk why i wrote an essay lol

[evermoredeluxe]

my lord taylena forever, they’re simply sisters 🤷‍♀️

[brofightiscancelled]

found out about the journey to the west matsu aus and discussed the casting with oomf...... transcribing the essay i wrote in their discord DMs here cuz i wrote a lot so why not lol

oso as sun wukong: this makes the most sense as the red/main guy/foolish guy who suffers from hubris. actually in second pic it looks like he's currently being subjected to his headband punishment which is really funny combined with sanzang (his master who inflicts the headband punishment) being choro

i do think oso matches sun wukong's stupidity and hubris. and combined with choro sanzang i do think this is probably the funniest option

also he just looks very cute here. he's just a little scamp. wukong has a very boyish charm (at least in the beginning) so i get the transference. i also think the idea of being able to start torturing oso at any given moment is appealing

kara as the horse dragon prince is 100% real. this is so true. it's a stupid role for him he looks dumb af in this costume and the horse prince is just a stupid motherfucker who gets the short end of the stick throughout the entire story. perfect no notes

he Would be choro's steed. this is his role. he's da horse they ride on who turns into a beautiful woman one time to try to save sanzang and fails. it's perfect for him

it also fits cuz the dragon horse is prince of the sea and he's got like the water theming too

choro as sanzang: i feel like this is a lowkey blasphemous casting given that sanzang is such a pure and noble monk and choro is just constantly consumed by his desires. but it's not like anyone else wouldve been better (Actually matsuyo wouldve been better. Put matsuyo in this role) and again keeping in mind his dynamic with wukong i do think it's the funniest option so i'll allow it. this dude would not HESITATE to cause oso physical pain when he's annoying him and would constantly berate and harp on the importance of not killing people (who are trying to kill him) to the point of redundancy and to his active detriment. and sanzang i guess is the most proper of the cast trying to keep everyone in line (Because he is a monk) so it fits dynamic-wise

ichi as bull king: bull king is a famous jttw villain, but honestly not like.... major......i feel like in my memory he is largely characterized by being the husband of the Iron Fan lady and the father to red boy. so casting any matsuno as a Guy Who's Famous For Being A Husband And Father is kind of funny and wrong to me lol. it's very weird that this is his only consistent casting to me (between this set and the merch au) because i dont think the bull king has any ichi attributes (isn't he usually interpreted as very red-colored even? lol)

he has nothing to do with cats and the wikipedia page says he's a major villain but i s2g he's in like 4 stories max. i guess they just went to find "who's the biggest villain in jttw" and slapped him on there even though i feel like the point of jttw is that there arent any like, truly central villains because it's like 9981 disjointed trials. and i guess he looks cool. idk

if it were me i'd maybe have cast him as guanyin because 1. it's funny 2. she's the one who gives sun wukong the punishment headband, and also does a lot of other lowkey sadistic things throughout the series, and is much more of a pivotal figure throughout the story since theyre always going to her for help.....

although actually if we were going to extend this then totoko would be a perfect guanyin. so i just dont know who ichi would be in that case

jyushi as pigsy is sooooo true. pigsy is just a airheaded and stupid lustful guy who likes to eat and is always causing troubles so it fits him within the dynamic. no notes

and totty as wujing is very fitting because wujing is the youngest disciple and lowkey doesnt get to do anything for most of the story he's just always talked over. i think they interpreted wujing's water attributes as kappa attributes here which is cute. ill allow it

and then my gripes with the other casting from the merch set

ok the other one. i think oso is meant to be the buddha based on the ears and outfit but the lotus is a guanyin (goddess) thing so i think they have their visuals a little confused. but ill assume he's buddha...? i think this is a really funny and unfitting choice considering the buddha's basically only role is to give them the goal and then to punish wukong for his hubris and that doesnt suit bakamatsu at all. but it's funny so i get it

kara as sanzang..... i guess i can kind of see it in the same way i see priest kara working but they share no attributes. and again the wukong dynamic doesnt work, sanzang is always berating wukong and will easil yresort to physical punishment . would karamatsu ever hurt jyushi if it came down to it? maybe it's smoke inhalation but im leaning towards kara being too big of a pussy to do that. so

choro as shajing.............. shajing is kind of the quiet serious one so i kind of get it....? and if they want to do the kappa thing i gues the green fits. so like presonality wise this one does fit for the most part. shajing is also kind of a social outcast so i suppose this fits choro better

again i dont knw owhy ichi is the bull king. why was this the only consistent one

jyushi wukong... wukong is certainly sillay and whimsical but i feel like jyushi is lacking in hubris. jyushi Knows that he's stupid but wukong's whole character is constantly being punished for his pride. i think the colors are cute though

totty pigsy... pink so true. but pigsy is explicitly like. a menace kind of womanizer not a charming one. the whole reason he's a pig is because he made a pass at a girl that he shouldnt have and it was his punishment, i dont think totty's really like that lol

[authoralexharvey]

Alex Does Half-NaNo — Day 4

Don't look for days 1-3 I didn't do them lol

I was fully resolute to not do NaNoWriMo this year, believe it or not. I’ve talked about why not before, and then last year about why I did, both of which were fun delves into my writing thought processes. Obviously, as each essay was a couple of years apart, I changed a lot as a writer and a person.

This year, I resolved myself to not do NaNoWriMo. I didn't have any projects worth writing 50k of (at least, probably not) and every year the sort of... panic and despair and sheer suffering--even meme-ified--that other people talk about just... really bothers me. It still does, even now.

That said, today a sort of Worm entered my brain and consumed my thoughts, built from the remnants of a half-idea. I still don't have a complete picture of what the fuck I'm doing, but I do know this: Writing a whole 50k is impossible for me in one month right now. It just is. But I can probably do half of that. 25k in uhhh. 26 days. A bit less than 1k a day. That seems manageable.

So I'm off to the races. I'll make a proper intro for this project when I have a more concrete idea of the plot. For now, all you need to know is I'm working on something called A Bitter-Tasting Blood, which is set around the time of ASMLP and involves a monster hunter, Toshiko, who must work with a reformed monster woman turned social menace, Fel, to stop the hoards of monsters overtaking Hadorae.

(You may remember the country of Hadorae if you ever read TWEfA)

Will I stick purely to this? Idk. I may write more ASMLP if I get stuck. I may switch over completely. I could do some third unrelated thing entirely. The entire point is to just shit out 25k just to prove to myself I can.

Anyway here's some of what I wrote today.

The woman who enters is grizzled in every sense of the word. Permanent dark circles hug her sunken eyes. Her hair, the color of corn silk and just as tangled, comes to rest at her lower back. Two thick, brown horns sprout from her temples, curving up and backwards. 

She grins, revealing pointed teeth, and Toshiko knows at once what she is.

“Monster.” She springs to her feet, hand at once at her side, realizing too late she had been forced to leave her sword behind. A swift glance around the room provides little she can use for offense, but she eyes an uncapped pen on the desk.

The moment she lunges, a hand grips her forearm and drags her back. The creature opens its jaw and laughs, the sound oddly human.

“Not quite, dear.” It regards her with eyes the color of storm-riddled sky, pupils thin like a snake’s. 

She jerks in Lord Egawa’s grip, but he holds firm with fingers of steel. Gritting her teeth, she keeps her gaze on the monster as she says, “Father, release me.”

“She is not our enemy.”

The words slam into her, each one its own sort of weight. The bead around her throat grows warm with rage.

[semidecentpoet]

Semi-rant bc I have been Vibrating all day, feel free to ignore

So, I'm a journalism major, and I wrote this article for a class (I got a ways to go before I publish it anywhere lol) ab a woman who broke into and stole from three different places last year. I haven't been able to get much information outside of court docs ab her or the cases themselves bc it's all ongoing and shit, but in one of the documents for a previous charge like six years ago, it said she was experiencing homelessness at the time. So, naturally, my angle changed.

I talked to someone from a local human service outreach program and the communications manager for the United States Interagency Council on Homelessness, and I included some data from the Department of Housing and Urban Development. I interwove these pieces of information into the story to explain how homelessness could and does affect someone's interactions with the criminal justice system.

As an aside, I don't know if she's still experiencing homelessness. I put down that she has experienced it, but I don't know if that's still the case (I can only do so much ab people nOT GETTING BACK TO ME). Given how the homelessness-incarceration cycle is (as I learned from the aforementioned experts I talked to), it wouldn't be surprising if she still is.

I finish the article, submit it, and then send it to my parents bc I love them and I want them to see what I do and I love them—

My mom says, "Looks good, sweetie"

And my dad says, "Nice job. Very compassionate. What are your thoughts about personal responsibility of their choices? I didn't see any mention of that. 🤷‍♂️"

This

Bitch

I'm not going to go through the multiple essays I've sent him throughout this lil debate in the gc—yes, he starts this shit in the gc with my mom bc why not rope her into all this?—bc I already wrote that shit and I don't wanna do any more Preaching on how systemic issues cannot realistically be solved with individual choices.

(Did I include the quote from the communications manager of the top government agency on homelessness in the country ab how "homelessness is the failure of systems and not the people who are failed by those systems"? Yes, yes I did. I wonder how he missed that.)

Ik this is not a unique experience at all, but it's just frustrating, yk? You grow up believing your parents are Good and they know Good from Bad

And then they say shit like this.

There is a bit of comedy here, tho, featuring:

my Super Conservative "Christian" dad who "found God" a few years ago (idk what he found, but that ain't my Jesus)

me, a leftist, a firm humanitarian with a strong sense of justice (and a damn good writer, but that's besides the point)

and my left-of-center mom playing somewhat of a mediator (while texting me separately to just stop bc he's stubborn and it won't go anywhere and "I know it's frustrating but don't worry, I Can Fix Him" [not a direct quote, but—])

I stopped responding a while ago. I think it kinda drifted into forgiving loan debt somehow? Idk, I'm Done, yk

Blegh. There's some comfort, tho, in being so firm in what I believe in. Ik it's not fair to ridicule my child self, but I used to be such a kiss-ass to the authority figures in my life. I'm genuinely proud of myself for making Points and standing by them and not budging one damn bit. Independent person at 19, wild

This experience, while discouraging in a lot of ways, makes me feel more confident in fighting for what I know to be right. How's that for a sliver of a silver lining?

[tiredsystem-r-us]

Aaaa, I'm sorry to tell you friendo, but that's a pretty old post and I never ended up writing the essay unfortunately (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

From what I remember (which is a surprising amount given how bad my memory is), the main points were essentially going to be:

1. They have a lot of obvious differences and a lot of obvious similarities, and it makes complete sense that their differences would actually enhance their relationship (ie: I could absolutely see Remus's whole unrestrained nature being soothing to Janus because Janus is very used to putting up a façade, but he doesn't have to around Remus)

2. That even though most of the others see them as evil, they get along with each other. Idk, I just love that about them, I feel like most of the others would assume they didn't talk much or something but nope, actually they're in love! In fact, they're doing better than maybe any other relationship in the series right now, given how bad it is in current canon and the fact that they get along well enough to play DDR with each other (in Patton's room, no less, because Mischief) and just enjoy each other's company.

3. The idea of them getting along so well in direct opposition to the way most of the others think of them as evil is just so good. Like, back in the day I had a whole fic idea about this, but I really think the others would assume that the two of them either don't really talk to each other or actively don't like each other, and the idea that they're being soft and happy together in spite of that is just adorable.

Anyways, I'm glad you loved the idea that much!

Ah! Thanks for letting me know :)

I’m personally not extremely strong about ships in general but I saw the essay thought you’d had and was like, “another one” lol. I recently wrote a fandom related essay for school and no joke turned it in for a grade, so I’ve been thriving a bit with that type of mildly chaotic essay vibes /pos /lh

From what you outlined here, an initial response of mine to reading these points included:

“heheh DDR wholesome mischief go brr yes” and

“why does that sound like such an easy/simple translation of a portrayed interactions into head cannon or fics? It’s chaotically lovely how smooth that interpretation could blend out into fan works” and

“unhinged Remus and restrained Janus gives fun parental-friend vibes, like Remus hanging upside down on the fan eating chalk while Janus is sighing cause that’s the third time this week and then Remus bounces down and forces Janus into letting go and having fun for a bit cause he’s been stressed lately”

All of which were positive responses bc I’m a sucker for nearly everything relating to fandoms and favorite characters of mine from them (*cough cough* Janus *cough cough*)

- Nyren (xe/it)

[kyutown]

Good evening my liege! 💖 I was intrigued to find out about you while diving deeper into tumblr hell so, I am here with a plead to ship me with nct and svt, of you'd be so kind ✨

Alright so for starters, I'm an infp! I'm a generally well-mannered person with people I meet for the first time, borderline sweet and awkward at the same time. I like not to overinvest in first meetings with people and sometimes I think I am somewhat defensive of myself. My emotions always show on my face, both the good and the bad ones. So if someone does say something that I find offensive or whatnot, it SHOWS. I generally hate rude and offensive people all together, as well as people who are vulgar if we're not well acquainted first.

I'm not good at starting conversations and I usually just tend to listen to my friends talk most of the time. It's not like I have nothing to say but I really like listening to my favorite people ramble on about things they love or generally talk about their lives. Im a pretty good listener and I am always objective, even with my family. I won't hold back and I will give you my honest opinion in every case. I always try to see from all perspectives, maybe that's why I'm often somewhat indecisive.

That being said, I really don't shut up about things I love or my hobbies. I'm usually the mood maker of the group as I hate conflict and tension. I am a very sarcastic and cynical person in general and that reflects on my humor, which can vary from vulgar to very dark and inappropriate. Yes, the type of person that will try to hold in their laughter cause I made a mental joke to a funeral. I love witty, stimulating and deep conversations. I'm not that big on casual chitchat but it's okay most of the time I guess.

I'm the personification of open-minded and im also quite opinionated and I can back up my arguments if needed but I tend to avoid getting into heated conversations cause again, my mind reads it as tension. I love being around friends doing nothing and everything but most of the time, I find alone time to be very healing for my mind and soul. I find authenticity and weird little quirks that people have extremely attractive. I'm somewhat stubborn as well.

I also used to have stress and anxiety issues, not anything serious but enough that I had trouble sleeping at night. It was just a few years ago that I decided to not care about every single thing and have a more of a "fuck that" approach in life and honestly, I've never imagined that it would be so liberating. I regained my confidence, physically and mentally, it was an empowering process! I really do believe that self-exploring and healing is the no1 most important thing that someone can do. Love yourself first and foremost and fck what anybody thinks.

So, moving on xD I am a romantic and soft deep down, even though I try not to show sad emotions when around people. But you can be sure I cry at random rescuing dog videos, or videos with people helping each other. I love humanity but hate it at the same time? 😂 Idk if that makes sense, it is what I feel lol I love to learn new random stuff! I'm currently studying linguistics and uni and I aim to be a translator or interpreter, cause i love languages and the cultural differences that come with it. Hence my undying love for music of different genres and languages! Music relaxes me and I couldn't imagine going on without it for more than 3 days. While I do tend to listen to kpop which is more upbeat and experimental, I also LOVE Latin music and rock. I love love traveling around the world! My hobbies include drawing which I'm self taught, fashion and creative writing! I tend to daydream A LOT during the day and so many ideas pop up in my head. I love exploring other cultures' religions and beliefs as well as mythology. I always found it fascinating. I love plants as well! My room is basically a garden xD I also love mystical but also borderline creepy and gory stuff xD I call skulls "pretty" the same way I would call a puppy "cute" 🤣 I'm aware οf that but I can't help but enjoy the look of horror in people's faces xD

oh, I really enjoy observing people as well! Not in a weird way! Their mannerisms, the way they speak, their features. I also love thriller and horror movies the most as well as dark social drama ones. You know, with murders, suicides etc I like how in even the tiniest ways they depict our society as people and frankly, it's sad but I try to be optimistic and keep a positive approach in life. I also really appreciate stand-up comedy xD

Closing up this huge essay, some last things xD I, and I cannot stress this enough, am unable to flirt. Like at all. I can't even maintain eye contact for more than two Seconds. I wish I was kidding. Sadly I'm not 😂Weird thing is, turns out I am actually able to flirt but I'm not aware I'm doing it?? I'm a master at text flirting apparently lololol. What I am, is also called DENSE AS SHIT when it comes to couple things. True story, if you want to do the freaky with your s/o and you need me to leave the room you better TELL ME RIGHT TO MY FACE or else, we gon be there aaaaall night xD And its actually a remarkable feature of mine, considering how dirty minded I usually am lol

I also think I'm touch starved sometimes, like I really like hugs and cuddling and teasing but I'm not gonna ask for it🥺I'm a night owl and I tend to procrastinate a lot. I can't work efficiently if there's not a deadline, like I need that pressure on me in order to function xD My weak spot is actually to act whiny and needy and cutely in front of me. I can do ANYTHING that u ask me of when this happens. And if I show any resistance, JUST KEEP IT UP. I'm jelly on the floor when this happens. Idfk why, it just works?? My sister is abusing the sht out of this method 😭I can't say I make friends easily, cause I believe I do come off as maybe off-putting or weird at times, plus as I said if you're really cant shove your conversation in my face the first time we meet, imma be just an awkward ball of giggles and smiles and "can I go home now pls" 🤣 My general aesthetic / vibes would be sunsets on beaches, soft grunge, cottage core, lofi and hedge witch aesthetics!

Okay so, I think that's everything and probably way more than u needed, so thank you for reading everything my stupid ass wrote❤️

hi! thank you for responding!

for nct, i think yuta would be a nice fit! yuta also likes rock as his favorite band is one ok rock which is a rock band. i feel like you guys would always listen to music (not always rock) and would enjoy making time go by like this!

for seventeen, i think you would match well with the8! the8 would be the type to enjoy exploring new cultures with you and new religions, he would also love to dress up with you and put together outfits with you!

[shinwhoohoo]

hello lovely person, i come to your inbox seeking solace and the permission to rant about the eternally frustrating mess that is bana twitter. i'm so infuriated by delulu ot5 stans spamming a3 asking for reunion pics w j and b and demanding that they include those 2 in the official anniversary celebrations bc j&b ""deserve" it like??? where do they get their sense of entitlement from lmao i don't get it. and really, why should a3 bear the onus of asking them to join the celebrations when the other 2 have given no indication that they wish to do so in the first place like they literally left the group and no longer associate themselves with it (and no ig bios don't count people) what's not clicking?

it honestly makes me more pissed at the 2 who left (jy in particular) bc they refuse to make a clean break. wm also had a part to play in it ofc bc they didn't release an unequivocal statement about their departure from the group (altho they did say b1a4 will only be promoting as 3 going forward so idk how anyone misinterpret it) but what irks me is that jy never really acknowledged the fact that he left (at least baro wrote a nice letter thanking bana and a3). he keeps stringing his fans along by making empty promises about future reunions and!!!i hate that he won't change his ig bio or twitter header and whatever else it is that convinces people that "his heart lies w b1a4". i hate that he does all this but a3 still have to bear the brunt of the criticism from their fandom even tho they've been working their asses off to give us quality music (jinthoven who, producer cnu owns my heart now) and wholesome content (how precious was b1a4 arcade) to make up for their perceived sins against bana.

sorry this spiralled out of control, haven't used my tumblr in ages but i feel like migrating back bc bana twt is bad for my blood pressure. hope you have a nice day!

Two things real quick:

1. You always have permission to rant here to please do so whenever you feel like it~!! 😁 2. PLEASE COME BACK TO TUMBLR WE NEED YOU BACK IT’S SO MUCH NICER AS A BANA PLEASE 🙏

Ok now that that’s out of the way lol, wow 10/10, 💯, like god I really have nothing else to even add? Perfect rant, perfect points, all completely 100% factual points, that some people just don’t seem to like to address or acknowledge in their ‘OT5′ comments. But the thing is, all of this is true!!

What bothers me the most about the whole OT3/OT5 argument basically comes down to two points:

1. Those spewing OT5 Forever on their personal accounts is one thing. I’ve always said everyone is entitled to their own feelings about this, and I can respect we have our differences. However, going to A3′s accounts, to their VLive, and commenting and spamming posts about Baro and Jinyoung and ‘Oh, What does THIS MEAN that Jinyoung posted to the B1A4 VLIVE?? What DOES IT MEAN that Baro posted a pic holding a BANA CUP?!!? I MISS B1A4 AS FIVE’ and it’s like... let’s actually take a breath. Jinyoung’s incident was obviously a mistake, one that he hasn’t even addressed. Baro admittedly has liked a few B1A4 posts here and there, with this most recent insta upload the most ‘vocal’ he’s been regarding B1A4. But does it mean they are going to magically appear for the 10th anniversary? Not at all. There is absolutely no connection between these events. And to try and make such a connection is clearly going out of your way to try and create something that isn’t there because you want it to happen. Not because you are looking at the facts and the comments that the members who are actually, actively in B1A4 have made, but because you are overlooking what they have said, and what WM Ent has said, to fit your agenda. And to go and post these wishes and hopes on their official accounts, or even worse, Shindeulchan’s personal social media accounts, especially given how THEY expressed how they felt about the split, well damn. I think that’s cruel tbh. But yet we’re the nasty ones for not acknowledging bayoung...

2. ... which brings me to the other main point that irks me. Just because I am not currently an ‘OT5′ fanatic, again, given what we KNOW TO BE TRUE!!! (Basically most of which you’ve already listed-- WM’s statement of B1A4 continuing AS THREE, Sandeul and CNU’s comments and feelings they have made on guest show appearances, their fanmeet, the B1A4 Documentary+, etc., not to mention Baro’s statement, and even Jinyoung’s, which mentions about looking forward into the future if they should all come back again, in addition to the dead silence Jinyoung has been about bipo since then) but just because some of us aren’t ‘OT5′ given all that, DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE AGAINST BARO OR JINYOUNG!! like that pisses me off so much, this ‘divide’ that is being made... It’s like no, I just respect the feelings of the members who are actually here more so than wishing for something to happen that isn’t going to any time soon, like sorry that upsets you. And guess what, I still will always adore Baro and Jinyoung. I still wish the best for them. And if/when the time comes that they want to come back, and A3 accepts them back (because again, it’s up to THEM, not the ‘OT5′ fans!!) I will 100% be happy and grateful to see B1A4 as five. But until then, I will support Baro and Jinyoung in their solo efforts, and B1A4 as three, for all that they do and have done to make the transition from 5 to 3 easier for us.

lmao I love how I’m like ‘oh your ask was great I have nothing to say’ then go and write an essay. Well, I am nothing if not on brand with my word vomit.

Thanks for this anon, as you can tell it lit a fire under my ass lol. I don’t think I’ve been this vocal about it all in a while~

[theverakeller]

Perhaps often joke they never imagined being with someone like each other. But it would not be this abusive horrible relationship. Do you have some other HC's to share? (4 of 4). I wrote an essay back so LOL.

Anon, YOUR headcanons are everything omg. I JUST HAVE TO AGREE YESSSS!!! WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID. YES Web wouldn’t take Lieb’s shit and Lieb would be quick to apologize. And yes Lieb would struggle a lot with his PTSD and so many arguments start becomes of his anger because of that but Web would shut that down and he just would be SUCH a support system for Lieb and vice versa and they literally would just need each other so much and UGH.

But MY HC’s? omg okay so I don’t have many but literally my biggest one is that throughout the series, Lieb has a huge crush on Web and anytime he is around him he’s a super dork. LIKE COME ON. HE IS AND NO ONE CAN DENY THAT. So OBVIOUSLY when Lieb first saw Web he was like ‘holy shit this dude is super beautiful, way too pretty to be in the army what is he doing here whatever liebgott don’t get distracted’ but the thing is, is that Lieb CANNOT get Web out of his mind? He literally cannot look away when he’s near him his senses are just super heightened when Web’s around and so when he FINALLY says something to Web, he says something super stupid and is immediately ‘oh fuck you idiot he went to harvard he probably thinks you’re an idiot’ and then starts laughing it off and promptly insults Web for something dumb. As time goes on and they’re off in England and eventually further into Europe, the game that Lieb comes up with himself is to see how many times he can touch Web or make him laugh (so he says stupid shit) which is hard bc Web is always so solemn and writing in his damn journal and basically Lieb is just head over heels for this dude ok. When Web gets shot, Lieb heart almost jumps out of his chest when he finds out and so before Web gets shipped off to the hospital he makes sure that he goes and makes fun of him for getting shot or something but honestly he’s dying on the inside at the fact that Web got shot and is going away but is super glad that it wasn’t any worse AND MIND YOU THIS IS ALSO THE FIRST TIME THAT LIEB SHOWS WEB A LITTLE BIT OF SOFTNESS and not his usual dumb, sarcastic self that he usually is. Like after he makes fun of Web for getting shot, Lieb goes to leave but then turns back around and makes sure to softly put a hand on Web’s warm for a moment too long and tells him that he’s glad he didn’t get hurt too bad.

When Web comes back from the hospital Lieb is a different Lieb obvs, he is exhausted and SO ANGRY that Web wasn’t there in the Ardennes but at the same time he can’t stop the dumb fluttery feeling that pops up whenever Web comes around again and he’s just so happy that he’s back and seeks him out all the time and just touches him whenever he can. For example:

AND LIEB JUST PINES OKAY.  HE PINES!!! And he continues to be a dork in front of Web because WEB IS JUST EVERYTHING THAT LIEB IS NOT, HE WENT TO HARVARD! HE’S SMART! HE’S NOT A LOUDMOUTH! AND JUST EVERYTHING THAT LIEB NEVER KNEW HE WANTED BUT HE WANTS!!!! Lieb’s crush continues once Web comes back and there he is just being a dork and literally everyone in easy is like ‘bro?? what is your problem?? why are you such a loser when Web is around??” and so since this crush and pining just continues CAUSE IT COULD NEVER COME TO FRUITION BC LIEB THINKS WEB IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. So the whole scene with the finding out that Web never finished school and Web freaks out on Lieb and then LIEB COMFORTS TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T THINK ANY LESS OF HIM FOR NOT FINISHING and so when he asks him what he studied and Web is like ‘Lit’ and since Lieb is still in that trying to make Web feel better zone, his mind literally does a haywire when responding and without even thinking about it he’s like “I LOVE TO READ” and starts naming off comic books and then once he realizes what he’s done that’s when he puts the cigarette in his mouth bc ‘OMG JOSEPH LIEBGOTT, YOU ARE AN IDIOT, WEB ALREADY THINKS YOU’RE AN IDIOT AND YOU HAD TO GO STICK YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH’ and he’s just embarrassed and dying. MEANWHILE HE DOESN’T NOTICE THAT WEB HAS A BLUSH ON HIS FACE AFTER THIS CONVERSATION.

Meanwhile after finding the Landsburg camp, Lieb kind of curls in on himself and isn’t Lieb and Web is alarmed and notices and so he finds himself actively searching out Lieb to make sure he’s okay and to keep his mind off things and just wants to comfort him and all the time, even though he’s in his mind, Lieb is still like BUTTERFLIES IN TUMMY and it’s the cutest but since he’s not trying so hard he’s not being a loser and dumb and they just become closer and ugh it’s beautiful.

WHICH LEADS ME TO THE FACT THAT IDK HOW BUT THEIR FIRST KISS HAPPENS AFTER THE WAR IS OVER, IN FACT THEIR FIRST KISS HAPPENS V-E DAY NIGHT WHEN THEY’RE BOTH DRUNK OUT OF THEIR MINDS BUT THEN WHEN THEY REALIZE WHAT THEY DID BOTH OF THEM ,ESP LIEB AVOID EACH OTHER LIKE THE PLAGUE but they can’t do that forever bc reasons and so they have to talk about it eventually but that leads to more kisses and Lieb is like ‘wtf I thought you thought I was an idiot??’ and Web is just like ‘You are an idiot bc i’VE LITERALLY WANTED TO KISS YOU SINCE YOU SAW ME OFF WHEN I GOT SHOT’ and basically both have had feelings for each other since idk when and they didn’t know bc they’re both idiots.

ANYWAY MORAL OF THIS VERY LONG STORY IS THAT THEY ARE SUPER IN LOVE AND SUPER SOFT WITH ONE ANOTHER DESPITE THEIR VERY HEATED ARGUMENTS WHICH DO HAPPEN AT TIMES BUT THEY GO TOE TO TOE AND EVENTUALLY GIVE IN TO ONE ANOTHER BC THEY LOVE EACH OTHER TOO MUCH. AND LIEB DOES DUMB SHIT AND SAY STUPID STUFF WHEN WEB IS AROUND.

I’m sorry that was literally just one headcanon and I have other (not many) but there isn’t enough space and I already talked too much anyway lmao

[yue-muffin]

@mejomonster I’m sorry I wrote an ESSAY AHH. The thought of squishing it in the messages was horrifying haha.

Ok ok. First, I genuinely LOVE open discussion about translating. :3 If it was a more stable career, I would have gladly thrown myself at it in a heartbeat. You bring up some excellent points that I’ve lovingly stewed over with no one to talk to about for years haha.

In my early translation days I also preferred more direct translations even if they ended up stilted, but nowadays I prefer looser translations that prioritize the original intent over the original wording. Part of it is, that direct translations help you learn more. If every translation omits the original chengyu for an English equivalent, you’ll never end up learning that chengyu and its cultural context. So I get where you’re coming from! It took me a long time to get over that stage myself...

Ok, now my Translator Brain will step up lol.

Backing up a bit, the first step, assuming no language limitations, translation is…you’re basically the god of your own little world, haha. Before you translate a single word, you have to decide your intended audience. This is also where you decide whether you’re making a translation or a localization. People get all up in arms about localizations, and I have strong (negative) feelings towards some. But localizations have their place, they get new fans into a work, bc they’re geared perfectly for the average, casual player/reader/watcher. Pokemon (the game) is actually a really good example of this. The names of the Pokemon are brilliantly clever in each respective language bc they went for localization instead of literal translations. 

Early translations of the Tale of Genji, while…problematic and heavy on the orientalism, had their place at the time bc it made people interested in the work and Japanese culture, whereas they wouldn’t have cared nearly as much probably if the translation was not approachable. Nowadays, we have much more accurate translations of Genji :) with delicious footnotes :). This is why I don’t understand why people get SO up in arms about translation poaching. Imagine if there was only (1) one version of Genji?? Or any other classical work?? If someone wants to use their valuable time to make a translation on something that already has one, that’s entirely their perogative.

When not going for a hard localization, the choice then falls on: what do I translate more literally, what do I NEED to convert to fully “English” wording to make sense.

Oooh yeah, and stilted characters/narratives! That’s a great point. You also have to recognize when some characters or situations just…do sound stiff in the original, and you should keep that stiffness in English. I think this is a skill that comes with fluency with the language (ex: Lan Wangji from MDZS, I THINK he’s supposed to just be succinct and reticent, but depending on how you translate him, he seems rude or bad with words. Unfortunately, English is a language that does NOT deal in word economy, so you pretty much have to make him say a lot in English or else people will get the wrong idea…like I did.)

In the novel I translate, one character is this exact scenario and idk know how to word him in English sometimes. He speaks informally (inappropriately so sometimes), but it’s a little stilted bc he’s not had much exposure to the outside world, and speaks like he’s regurgitating what he’s been taught by his parental figure. It’s really difficult to get that across in English without making him sound too much one way or the other lol.

I could talk for DAYS about good and bad Japanese localizations/translations. :D I have never played Kingdom Hearts but totally understand- there are SO many games/movies where I was sad at the stuff lost in translation, but some of them are so good at maintaining the overall context and feel, and that’s just a trade-off that has to be made. I do get sad when a localization isn’t as good, or outright changes a character’s story arc tho. >:|

It’s also definitely a choice whether to keep much of the original terms (Shimei/shidi etc). I tend to prefer them to stay in too, but minimally if that makes sense? Sometimes I see translations where they keep a lot of them in, which is great for me but my inner translator cringes at how hard it would be to keep up for someone who doesn’t know the language.

(Asura to Vanquishers is 100% unacceptable I Do Not Care About Excuses lol. Also, yao/yaoguai, and yokai I feel are ones that should stay untranslated 100% of the time. You run into so many grey areas and issues if you try to translate these terms into English bc there’s simply no equivalent (or...you will translate 1 thing as “spirit” and later encounter a totally separate word that can also be translated as “spirit” and be left unable to explain the difference without a footnote) and the English terms are too loaded with their own cultural context…

Ooh yeah I…”love” those phrases that NEED to be worded differently in English. Some are easy, some are ??? HOW do I- and GAH I hate filler words lol. You really need to learn when they’re used by exposure lol bc all explanations/definitions I’ve found do not really explain when to use things like 就 lol yeah, emphasis but how do I convert to english?? Japanese has a lot of little particles like that (not as many as Chinese tho) and occasionally I’m all ?? OK, so DID this change the meaning of the sentence or nah…Part of dealing with those, to me, is learning to tell when you can just drop them like a hot potato and convey the feeling in the overall sentence instead haha.

AHH Sha Po Lang…that translation sounds like it speaks to my heart and also very difficult to craft. The Most Difficult VN I Have Seen, Ever is one where the original writing is so…good but also ridiculous? Like, the reason this VN is so annoying to translate and read (native speakers had to get the dictionary out lol), is bc it uses many obscure terms, its word economy is off the charts. But the narrative isn’t that dense just for the lolz. It’s bc the MC is a scholar? Or, like, a well educated and thoughtful student who feels very deeply about the world and things happening, so he just…waxes poetic. GAH when the narrative Fits the characters and their world so well, my heart just gets happy.

[livesincerely]

Thoughts on sub Davey? 👀

(Disclaimer at the top, this answer stayed safely in T rated territory, but feel free to scroll past if this isn’t something you’re into 💕)

(Also, this ended up being a whole essay, then fun bullet points at the end, so sorry in advance, I’m just like this)

00000

So 👏🏼

I have already been called out a few times in comments/replies on the lowkey dom Jack vibes that show up in some of my possessive Jack fics, and also for that one scene in the first part of the domestic au.... 😅 I didn’t intentionally include dom/sub themes in those fics as I wrote them, hence why they’re not tagged that way, but there’s certain overlap between possessive character behaviors and dom character behaviors, so it’s understandable why they’d be read that way.

But as for like, actually writing a dom/sub thing? I’m not sure, honestly. I’m pretty happy playing with the dom/sub undertones that show up every once and a while—if I ever went full on I’d want to put some proper research into it to make sure it’s coming across appropriately (safe, sane, and consensual darlings! learn it and love it.) But I’m not against the idea? I guess I’d have to think on it more, and I’d need to have a prompt/scenario that I really loved, because writing smut is time consuming enough as it is, and I’m sure a dom/sub fic would only be more so.

But, as for thoughts on sub Davey...

So, while I do write Davey as the more submissive of the two, it’s honestly more that Jack is dominant than it is that Davey is submissive.

Jack is just a more, for lack of a better word, aggressive character. He’s a leader, he’s impulsive, he’s protective, he’s more hot headed, and I think (especially in a canon era setting) he’s more territorial. As the leader of Manhattan, he’s used to being listened to and there’s very much the sense that the Newsies are ‘his’ boys and lower Manhattan is ‘his’ terf, and everyone is his responsibility—which, since he’s the leader, then translates to being the one that’s willing/used to stepping up and making the first move, and in a sexual/romantic situation that turns into the dom Jack vibes that spring up in my fics.

And for me, since it feels natural to have Jack be so dominant in most situations, Davey compliments and counters that by being more passive, more diplomatic, more level headed. Additionally, Jack’s got the whole “I’ve always had to fight for everything I have, so I sometimes don’t know how to stop” thing going on, so it feels natural for Davey to foil Jack and be more submissive. Plus, Davey’s got the whole “world’s most oblivious smart ass” thing, and I love that for him. Flustered Davey is second only to flustered Jack... 😉

But, for me, Jack and Davey’s relationship is all about balance and give and take: Jack needs Davey just as much as Davey needs Jack. So, depending on how established their relationship is at the time, Davey swings wildly between being an unknowing distraction (letterman fic, everybody wants a taste) and being an absolute tease (you only have to ask, possessive kisses 1 & 2 of lets cut to the chase). Because, even though Jack has lowkey dom vibes/major protective and possessive vibes, he never acts on them unless Davey 1) gives him permission or 2) provokes him into acting, which in context is permission.

And god does Davey provoke Jack. It’s always so funny to me (even as I’m writing it) because it always takes Jack a while to catch on. And he tries so hard to resist, even when all he wants is to just press Davey up against the nearest flat surface and wreck him. And that scenario is never not fun—I live to lovingly torture Jack Kelly. So, I’d say that whenever Davey is being more submissive in bed, it’s 50/50 odds on if it’s because he’s actually flustered and instinctively succumbing to Hurricane Jack or if he’s intentionally pressing every one of Jack’s buttons. (Like I said, he swings wildly between innocently oblivious and purposefully provocative)

Honestly, Jack is probably the one who’s the most unchanging and predictable as far as what gets him going and Davey sort of does what he wants depending on his current mood. Like, for example, I have a whole unfinished tease entry where Jack’s been a little shit all day, flirting with and flustering Davey while he’s trying to work just because Davey blushes so easy and Jack loves it, but then Davey turns the tables on him later. It’s a sort of “service top, yet still playing the game” Jack matched with a “take charge, knows exactly how to get what he wants” Davey, if that tells you anything about my thoughts on their relationship.

And it’s sort of a role reversal, but sort of not: Jack’s super into it because he’s just super into Davey full stop—he doesn’t care if Davey wants to take the lead. And even as Davey’s taking the lead, there’s still that give and take/push and pull because it’s still Jack and Davey, if that makes sense? Idk.

Anyway, long story long, for me Davey and Jack are just really well matched and really into each other. Davey has subby tendencies but they’re mostly reactions to Jack’s dom tendencies, of which there are many. And Davey is always a tease, but whether it’s on purpose or accidental just depends on the circumstance. I don’t know if I’d ever go out and write a full, full dom/sub fic, but I’m really enjoying the hints of it that are coming through in my usual style, and I’m not against the idea.

***

It occurred to me after I wrote all of the above that you may have wanted a more... fun answer, not just ramblings on character and relationships. So have some bullet points? 😅

When Jack calls Davey “David,” in that low, growly, demanding voice??? Davey literally feels like his knees are gonna give out, just melting right on the spot, shivers down the spine, totally pliant and dazed. And it only happens when Jack’s really revved up, so it always takes Davey off guard when he says it. When it comes to playing the game and the back and forth between the two of them, Jack saying “David” is like, the ultimate dom move and usually the final warning before he absolutely wrecks Davey.

The easiest way for Davey to tease Jack is to wear any of Jack’s clothes, but especially his t-shirts or his jackets/hoodies. Jack cannot keep his hands off of him when he does—it kicks Jack’s possessiveness into high gear, and he’s already the more impatient one, just generally, so that’s a sure fire way to provoke a reaction when Davey wants to play the game. The only thing better than Davey wearing Jack clothes to tease him is Davey wearing Jack’s clothes for any other innocent reason, especially in a pre-getting together scenario. Because flustered, possessive-but-trying-to-hide-it Jack is so much fun. I mean, that’s literally the letterman fic in a nutshell, and it’ll be a big feature of the quarantine fic (once I get around to it 😅)

(I also just love clothes sharing as a trope, but I’m sure that’s obvious by now)

Also! Davey’s taller but Jack’s bigger and stronger than he is. And Jack is absolutely capable of holding Davey down, picking him up, and just generally man handling Davey around. I think it’s the letterman fic that has the scene where Jack holds Davey’s hips in place and grinds up into him because he’s being a mouthy shit? Yeah.

Davey gives Jack shit for constantly marking up his neck with hickeys, but he actually kind of loves it. He likes wearing Jack’s marks on his skin, sure—particularly the ones Jack bites into his neck and shoulders and the ones that show up on his hips and thighs from Jack’s fingers—but what he really loves is how Jack reacts to seeing the marks after the fact. Because wow

I’m sure there’s more, but this is already wayyy too long lol. Hope that made some kind of sense? Or, at least, wasn’t too horribly confusing?

00000

@umbre-honest

[mercuryislove]

Which of your characters did you create first? Is that character significantly different now compared to when you first created them?

okay i wrote this at like 3am last night when i couldn't sleep and it makes absolutely no sense but i figured if there was anyone on this earth that would appreciate it, it might be you lol

It's kind of funny you should ask this because the last few days I've been reading the stuff I was writing when I first picked it back up this time last year and like. shit's changed a lot lol

Of like. the stuff I'm writing now uh TECHNICALLY Yixing came first because when I was first toying with the idea of running a dnd campaign of my own, I started coming up with some npcs just to like. get some inspiration I guess? (I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before...) So I didn't really have any ideas about a setting or a plot or anything but I had two very specific characters, and one of them was like. a classic drifter/outlaw type character. And his two defining features were that he had really long black hair and was covered head to toe in tattoos. And uh. Only one of those stuck lol (though in my dnd campaign he still does have the tats! And they are plot relevant lol) OH also it stands to say that in my campaign Yixing is a MONK WITH A GUN because he was originally a gunslinger but I didn't really like any of the way the gunslinger homebrew options worked, and a lot of them were basically monk adjacent so I turned him into a monk and made his fucking monastic weapon a GUN.

Also the other npc I made was a really bonkers woman that lives in the woods and thinks the world is about to end at any moment and is extremely magically adept and eats a whole lot of shrooms lmao. idk if she'll actually show up in the campaign but she has a character sheet ready just in case

anyway. Yes Yixing is WAY different. He still has the yeehaw flair but he was originally intended to be shady and self-serving and standoffish and the kind of person who will play all sides but still find a way to come out on top. (he is still like that in my campaign..... he's like a quadruple agent lmao SPOILER for my dnd campaign that nobody cares about: he CLAIMS to be working for Anwei but he's actually working for Ciaran who knows he's also working for Anwei but he's actually double-crossing them both AND someone else that he's working for because he has his own side hustle and honestly he may or may not end up being the actual Big Bad of the campaign. I don't know yet. I hope my sister isn't reading this lol) anyway again, in the context of my novel he's now only a little bit self-serving and he will probably complain if he's super inconvenienced by helping out other people but he's still going to do it. He's a GOOD PERSON and even though I still have an extremely detailed outline of the idea I had where the plot is basically the same but he's a real shithead instead, I can't bring myself to really entertain the idea because I like him being nice. :( the whole point is that he's been through hell and back and has had a really shitty life but still finds a way to be kind and to see the good in people in spite of it all!!!! I get like. really passionate about this. Like truly agonizing about it to no one but myself. I'm the one writing the damn thing I can do whatever I want so why do I care so much about an alternate reality where Yixing is a real bastard??? I do not know.

ANYWAY AGAIN. (now here is where we really lose the thread of the original question lol) This all goes back to dnd lol because as someone that is a hard atheist, it's like. tough for me to get into the whole uhhh god thing in fantasy settings (but in this case I'm talking dnd). Like they EXIST FOR REAL in the context of the game so when your cleric or paladin prays, someone is really listening. And I was like... hm. What if I want to write a campaign where they just aren't there? (and some of my friends said I couldn't because that's breaking the rules which is stupid.. I do what I want!!!) Or that they had otherwise abandoned humanity? So then because I played final fantasy x too much in my formative years, I had the idea of “what if the gods got really fucking mad about people forsaking religion and punished them?” which turned into “what if the gods just DIED suddenly and the world fell apart in the wake?” which turned into “what if the gods realized they sucked at their jobs and that humanity was unintentionally destroying itself so they made a pact to start over but when they tried to do just that, they accidentally killed themselves?” and that is........... mostly the so-called lore now (but there is definitely more but I can't say at this time because spoilers lol) uh. I forgot where I was going with this. OH. How the characters changed. WELL. Anwei has probably changed the least lol. She is still kind of mean and weird and thinks of herself and the others like her as Far Superior to everyone else, but she's no longer downright evil. At one point she was intended to be the villain!!! but I changed my mind because I love fellow mean lesbians so much. Also it was kind of uhh. low stakes with her as a villain/antagonist. She's a little shady and definitely still very manipulative and she gets mean when jealous but not like in her first iterations.... she does still sort of try to get yixing killed though lmao

Oh also Ciaran was the last of the three that I came up with lol which is funny considering he's like. such a big deal. The only reason he exists at all is because I wanted to come up with a real Corruption Arc kind of Guy because I am a big fan of those. Also I wanted the Big Bad in my campaign to be related somehow to the Big Good. And like. what better way to do that than siblings! And then I needed a way to make my Very Cool New npc connected to both of them somehow to make the whole uhhh revolver ocelot style mind games work so I sat down and was like. well. time to tell a tragic love story lol. soooooooooo uh Thank you dnd for inspiring me to write a trilogy of novels because I wanted to do a SINGLE basic worldbuilding exercise for my dnd campaign (that even now has only had uh. four sessions ever) while I was sad and lonely last summer.

I totally went off the rails with this question and I am sorry for that :( also I could write a thousand essays about how much I love Yixing and also how many versions of him there are in my mind lol he's like that one oc that everyone has that they find a way to put in everything always. he is my alternate universe oc. very versatile

[ivyglow]

"she/her are work" idek why I wrote that when I meant to say something else entirely. it's that brain rot at work again! I meant to say "what I've always used".

yeah I am sure there are but I don't know who and I'm also too nervous to ask them and I don't feel confident enough to say much, but I'm trying to work on my vocab!

my attn span is variable and so many things influence it and even stuff I enjoy, I can get bored of. or I'll force myself to take a break so I can do other stuff (inc. eat or drink or sleep). today I bought some batteries and sugar free mints and did some laundry. not exactly thrilling stuff.

- 💮 sending you all the hugs I have in me

ps I think I might take you up on your offer so it'll either be in the next hour or next week

I wrote your whole answer and then my app just closed and trashed it all- I- grrr

Anyway

No prob, I’ve got what you were trying to say and plus my writing is full of typos too hahaha no worries!

I can go through my mutuals and see if any of them are, it may help somehow idk. And vocab seems like a good way to start!

I mean it depends on how you look at it, I like laundry days because usually even if I did nothing besides laundry, I feel productive once the clothes are all clean (does this make any sense? Idk but again I don’t usually make sense so I guess its fine lol). I LOVE SUGAR FREE MINTS!!!!!! Sounds like a calm day, calm days are good I guess.

You’re way too cute 🥺💜 *sending you back my hugs*

Feel free to do it! Sorry for going mia, I was kinda busy w some essays (my professor asked me to translate some German stuff just because and I- 🥲 anyway, I’ll probably be free next week, or even on Friday). But reach me out whenever you feel like it, I may take a while but I always answer yk 🧚🏽‍♀️

[forgotten-daydreamer]

Hey! It’s me the anon again! I totally get what you are saying but from the opposite of the spectrum where memorization feel is impossible but my adhd(I also probably have asd I am working with a therapist to try to find a place to do an evaluation at the moment) allows for me to make an insane amount of connections. So like I get it but from the opposite end? It’s still tricky but I am better at analyzing things then memorizing them. Like when I took art history I for the life of me couldn’t remember terms/names/dates of art pieces but i do remember stories about them and can analyze things really well.

My biggest issue is getting overwhelmed with what is in my head because it’s too much so it can be hard to get it out. I am constantly connecting things in an interdisciplinary way to the point I have had one of my college professors say that I am one of the most interdisciplinary thinkers she knows if not the most. I can’t turn it off and I low key wonder if my brain only understands life through metaphors lol.

Idk if that made sense since I am just waking up from a nap and I am barely coherent but I get that different things work better for different people! I am interested in how dyscalculia effects how people learn! I think 1-3 people in my hall at college have it? I have a little bit of an understanding but I want to know more. In another life I would definitely study neurodivergence and the brain. I am just glad that none of my college classes so far have required exams. Only essays and art pieces(one of my majors is studio art)

From my experience (everyone has different experiences) dyscalculia affects my ability to process simple information that require reasoning rather than memory. It's gonna be a long post, so I'll write everything else under the cut.

I'll try to explain it with an example, starting from math: take something as simple as take-aways, the ones you do in elementary school, even.

The other day, I had to calculate 2021-14. My reasoning was flawed from the start, and I only realised it after my parents made me notice.

I said "okay, let's simplify this." because I know I have to, "If it were 2020-15, that would be 5." I know as much, because as long as something's a multiple of two or of five, I can manage.

I continued, "2020-15=2005. But I need to consider the 1 I dropped to go from 2021 to 2020, and the 1 I added to go from 14 to 15." and I can tell you that I just had to check with my calculator because I was doing it wrong again. Anyway.

"Since I added 1 and took away 1, it would be like doing 1-1, so 0... 2021-14=2005."

And I still swear on whatever you believe in that it still makes no sense to me, even if I try to draw the little dots as if I were six years old. Like, right now. I don't get it. I really took away one and added one, so why would 2021-14=2007? Where did I take that extra 2 from? Try and explain it to me, and I promise that I still won't get it.

I just don't get what I'm doing it wrong, and if the calculator weren't there I'd be dead by now.

Now, expand this problem to every little thing that involves critical thinking. Everything. Most of the problems involve numbers, but not only, sadly.

Formulas. You know algebra, right? Numbers are rare there, and most problems involve data that are letters, or numbers that really don't need to be processed on their own, it's a matter of copying them down correctly.

So, you just need to use the right formula, put the data there, and it's done.

Wrong.

Visual memory allows me to remember formulas easily, but I don't know how to pick the correct data.

If I know that something's, like, the speed of a body, and I know that the speed of a body goes in a certain little spot of the formula, I'll still get it wrong because something happens in between me understanding where I need to put the data and me putting the data in there. I don't know how to explain it, but everything makes no sense at that point.

I can write down the normal formula with each incognita without a problem, but I can't go farther than that because everything is too confused. It's like looking at a language you don't know that uses an alphabet you can't read. You may or may not recognize some patterns, but if you don't know what you're reading, it's like not knowing anything at all.

The other day, my dad explained to me how a turboshaft engine works. Friendly reminder that my average grade in physics was 4/10, never got more than a 6.5/10, despite my best efforts (too many numbers, too many data I didn't know where to put).

Anyway, he explained how that thing works from a mechanical point of view. Did I understand it in its entirety? No. Could I put it into words here for you? Maybe. Could I "draw" it and explain what each part is and how it works from a mechanical pov (so, no data)? Yes, a hundred percent.

What I do is impress the general shape of something- words, images, anything- in my brain, and put it aside. When I need it, I go find it (my technique is to look left, then slightly upwards. That's how I see things in a better way) and just copy it.

Which, by the way, reminded me to say that I also mix up right and left, since I read this thing three times and only realised that I wrote the wrong direction just a second before posting it. This is why I only use the GPS on mute.

Anyway- of course, I don't have perfect visual memory (my grades surely show that), and it doesn't help in each and every situation, and it's also tiring.

But. What I'm great at it's echoic memory. I remember people's voices and what they say to me (out loud) perfectly. I remember my teachers' voices from kindergarten. The info usually fades after a while, but it lasts long enough for me to use it when I need it for a test, or something. And the tone, the characterization of each voice- I don't ever forget those. This is why I remember songs I've heard once, maybe twice, years and years ago. I just... do.

It's not like I have good memory. I forget people's faces, people's names, streets, everything. But only when I know that I won't necessarily need them, or when I could always ask for them again.

My visual and echoic memory kick in when I need info pronto.

Does that make any sense to you? Sorry for the long post aaaa!!

Edit: figured I should add more things that dyscalculia causes.

Plus, only talking about math and anything related to numbers that I know I'll have to elaborate in some way makes me physically sick. Some of my friends think it's funny, I don't, 'cause math anxiety isn't just "aaa I freeze in front of the blackboard", no, it's also (for the most part, too) something that- speaking personally- activates my fight or flight instinct. Imagine an anxiety attack, but not the GAD kind (I do have GAD so I know what I'm talking about), but more "I am in danger. The danger is caused by this. This is dangerous."

I skip numbers when I count (farewell number 7 and everything that ends with it), can't tell 4 and 7 apart without focusing hard, no perception of time, distance, weight, nor speed, I don't understand graphs nor know how to make them properly. Also, mundane events don't happen in the proper order because of me. Just earlier I turned the car off, left the car, reached my doorstep, realized I hadn't locked the car, went to check my bag for the keys, didn't find them, went back the car only to find that I'd even left the door open, and the keys in. Or, sometimes I grab a tissue, throw it away, and realize that I forgot to blow my nose. Etc.

This happens- I think- because the brain cannot comprehend what it's looking at, despite everyone around seems to understand what one's brain should understand as well. It's like when you're stuck in a dream where everyone's laughing and you don't know if they're laughing at you, or at something else. In dreams, you don't ask, you can't. You're frozen and just stick to what you're trying to do.

It works exactly like that.

[tabellae-rex-in-sui]

Do you have any Sade biographies you’d recommend?

Imma assume English. There's three English modern Sade bios that I'd consider, At Home with the Marquis de Sade by Francine du Plessix-Gray, Marquis de Sade: A Life by Neil Schaeffer, and Sade: A Biographical Essay by Laurence Bongie. Now here's the thing with Sade bios.... I don't really like one more than the others, that meaning I have my problems with each of them. There's not one I can read where I'm like, yeah I agree with all of this. But they're all really good books.

At Home with the Marquis de Sade by Francine du Plessix Gray is the most forgiving towards Sade. Reading about Sade through a female historian is actually super interesting since, historically, women have been the ones more likely to "give Sade a chance" (I'm a woman too so idk maybe that's right). Angela Carter and Simone de Beauvoir each wrote now famous essays on Sade's importance in history and gender studies. Imo, Gray goes a bit too easy on Sade at some points; I think she babies him, if that makes sense. The thesis of her book is to show how powerful women impacted Sade's life, particularly his wife, but I think it falls a little flat in proving that. I genuinely didn't know that was her take by reading the book, only when I read the back of the book did I realize that. Ironically, no sympathy is given to his victims, who are, y'know, also women. She doesn't seem to realize what's wrong with his relationship with Magdeleine or intentionally doesn't dwell on it to make Sade's redemption arc seem complete. Though her interpretation is eh, the facts are all there and its nice to read about Sade through the pov of a female historian. Either way, it's a great book and the first Sade bio I read. (It's also on Libgen 🤫🤫)

Then there's Marquis de Sade: A Life by Neil Schaeffer. A straightforward bio with no major argument or anything. My criticism of this one is just that it focuses a lot on Feudian analysis of Sade. And that'd be a bigger critique if it was anyone else, but I mean, it's Sade. So it's understandable. I just feel like he takes it too far sometimes. I can buy an Oedipus complex in Sade, not gonna deny that, but Schaeffer goes into other Freudian theories that just seem way over complicated when there's simpler and more reasonable explanations out there, I think. Other bios do too, don't get me wrong. Honestly, this is the one I have least problems with.

Lastly Sade: A Biographical Essay by Laurence Bongie. Out of all three books, this is the one I have the most thoughts on. It's technically not a biography but it does go over basically all of his life. Bongie wrote this in response to the good press Sade was getting in the 20th century. People began to really like him then and framed him as a hero. Bongie disagreed and wrote this book to be all "he's not that great and his writing is mediocre". While Plessix-Gray's bio is a book by someone who likes Sade, Bongie's is written by someone who dislikes him. Funny thing is, I found this Sade to be the most sympathetic, ironically enough. It's the most detailed on Sade's parents and his early childhood and that just helps explain why Sade is the way he is; there's a lot of details on sade's childhood in this one that isn't in the others. I don't agree with Bongie's thesis; I think Sade's a good writer, also I think he's too harsh on Sade sometimes (assuming Sade really had no interest in seeing his dying/dead mother? Really?). Despite the point of the book, it leaves out one of the worst things Sade did, the Little Girls Episode... So...

That's about it. Take your pick lol. There's also an English translation of Gilbert Lély's bio, which is like the OG Sade bio, written with the help of Xavier de Sade, but I wouldn't recommend an old bio for the first book you read on someone. It's got some outdated sentiments (specifically on homosexuality and bisexuality) and as usual, old bios are prone to misinformation. But it's still a nice read (and organized super well!)

[lala-pipo]

(1/18) *peeks from behind the wall* I hope I am still welcomed here hahaha cricket anon is here! <3 I am very sorry for making you worry last time O.O, for sure no matter what happens to the story, I'm going to be right there to read it! Huehuehue, I literally was not lying when I mentioned that this story is bringing me lots of joy this year :3 Cricket anon is fine now! hahaha my last work place was really bad, kind of black-company-level-bad, and it really took a toll on my mental health…

Dear cricket nony, I already answered one of your non-anonymous asks privately because I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of email notifications I got from tumblr and Ao3 that I had to thank you right away, but I still want to do it publically because even after days I’m still overwhelmed that you took so much time to write me a whole essay. I’m still all soft and wobbly and squishy on the inside. Your notifications really made my day, week, probably month – so thanks so much again. It really means so much T___T

(2) so, I kind of took two months? break from social media and just literally try and figure out my life lol basically quarter-life crisis also happening, but yeah slowly getting better now! I hope you are doing fine as well, sending you lots of hugs and love ~^^~ Firstly though!! I wanted to say sorry too that it took a while for me to reply hahaha… BUT!! Let me tell you omg during my rest of 8 weeks, I have managed to re-read ALL. SEVEN. CHAPTERS!! So many things to share!!

I’m so sorry to hear that your last workplace took such a toll on your mental health and I really hope that you are going to get better. I cross all my fingers for you and send you good vibes only. Please don’t feel pressured to comment at all. I mean everyone loves receiving comments, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore. So if you feel like sharing your thoughts I’m always glad to read them, but if you don’t feel like sharing them, please don’t feel bad about it. <3

(3) However, since my comments were a grand total of 4,000 words lol, I inserted them in AO3 under "cricket anon" in every chapter! :3 You might get confused as you read them because I take notes as I read the chapter lol hahaha I hope my comments might bring some joy <3 Ahh! By the way! These anon messages are partly not anon since anon asks are limited to 10 per hour? I didn’t know that! :( But since I accidentally have revealed myself to you lol I think it should be okay!

I’ll also try to answer your comments on Ao3 in the upcoming days because (if I remember correctly) you had some questions and I hope I can answer some of them. ^^ But I’m impressed that you went through all the chapters again. We’ve reached 150k now, which is quite fascinating to me because there are still quite a few chapters left. I wonder how long the story will be in the end *hides* I didn’t know that either! I’ve been on tumblr for so long and yet this 10 ask limit is new information for me, but it makes sense in some way – if I think about spam accounts or people going around spreading hate or something.

(4) Also, I think I’m going to make my snorts reactions straight onto AO3 from now on, rather than spamming your ask box with 10+ anon messages hahaha but I’ll still come here to share you my overall reactions and analyzations huehuehue and also to possibly warn you about the length of the comment lol something I noticed, from chapter 1 to chapter 7, the comment got longer lol more things to discuss about, I guess!? But yeah!! Let me reply to your reply to my previous ask here!!

LMAO I admire your dedication. Do whatever is most comfortable to you, I will be happy either way ^^ I think it makes sense that someone can comment more on later chapters because the painted picture gets fuller and fuller with details, there is more information about the different characters, the storyline is more developed and so on… ^^

(5) Is the sad scene in chapter 6, you were referring to the conversation that Jong-Taem were having, and then Jong tried to diffuse it into another lighthearted banter, and Taem is just. tired. of. Jong avoiding the conversation? and despite all that, Taem still let Jong come into his room and cuddle to sleep? idk... I find that scene really heartbreaking :( or maybe it was another scene?

For me it was the shower scene tbh. I don’t know, but it always struck something inside of me (is it weird that I’m saying this although I’ve written it?) There is something very fragile about Jonghyun in that scene and Taemin does feel a little helpless and is so caught up in his own thoughts, in his own needs, what he wants (and doesn’t get from Jonghyun) and yeah – it always makes me go :( but yes, the follow up scene is sad as well because you sit there and think – you two are just so damn dumb, which is something most people, who read this story so far – seem to think constantly, because yeah, they are very dumb – each in their own way. ^^

(6) I think I mentioned in the AO3 comment somewhere that even I started to feel like Taem can just leave Jong because Jong is not trying to understand Taem, I mean, nothing to do with his mood swings or his claim that Taem will get bored of him, just that he isn't trying to see things from Taem's perspective whereas Taem is trying! so! hard! and he even tried to ignore the fact that Jong avoid the vital conversations for like the 10th time already :(

Feelings are a very difficult topic – and while chapters 1-9 are very focused on what Taemin does, thinks, wants, needs, wishes etc. the focus does shift a little over to Jonghyun starting from chapter 10. So the reader does get an inside of why Jonghyun might have acted the way he did. If his behavior makes sense is up to the reader (and Taemin as well) to decide – but I think it shines a little more light onto Jonghyun, who the reader doesn’t know much about – feeling wise –, although he’s one of the main characters of the story. ^^ It’s the onion layers that get peeled one by one. ^^

(7) Yeah, re-reading this definitely showed me muCH MORE parallelism in Jong-Key and Taem-Jong dynamics. Even with Taem's mood in a sense? Like how Jong used to be really upset when Key has a new friend, and then suddenly okay when they do sexy times. Before, I only noticed the puppy-love-ness parallel, but then there is more to it, like I said, Taem's mood affected by Jong a lot, just like Jong's by Key, and also the way Jong claims that Key doesn't understand his feelings,

(8) well, it applies to Jong not really wanting to understand Taem's feeling? by just brushing it off as Taem will get bored of him or Taem doesn't know what he is talking about. I mean as a reader, I am also not sure, if it’s either Jong doesn't care or he is scared to show himself or both or maybe there is another reason? Hahaha ^^;;

This is true and done on purpose. ^^ This knowledge doesn’t play a key (haha) part in the storyline, but it is there to show how blinded one can get by one’s own feelings. After adapting to his new life in a dorm Taemin sees through Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship quite well, but later when it’s about his own relation to Jonghyun he’s completely blindsided and doesn’t see how unhealthy it is at first – him going back and back and back over and over again in the hope that Jonghyun’s behavior towards him might change.

(9) You mentioned that there will be more Jongtae drought, and honestly, I think they need it? I think some space for them to think about things and you know do other things and talk to other people about other things lol maybe it will clear up their heads hopefully? Ahh!! You said the beginning of chapter 5 is for your own sanity lol I totally understand ;), it was a very sweet scene, soft, and kind of endearing compared to what is coming in the next chapters TnT

It depends on how we describe the drought. The hard cut was done in chapter 8. I went in like a warrior and just cut all the strings, not showing any mercy. ^^” I don’t want to spoiler anything, but yeah – the hard drought will continue throughout chapter 9 – soft drought from chapter 10 …… till ….. *closes mouth* 6v6 

Working on chapter 8 made me write two lovey-dovey JongTae oneshots because I couldn’t stand seeing them fight in my own fanfic, in front of my salad. T_T so yeah, the beginning of chapter 5 was for my sanity. While writing chapter 8 I also realized again while I never really write angst, fights – anything dramatic really, because I’m a very chill person in real life, and I like my fanfics to be very chill as well – so writing this was completely out of my comfort zone. For others it’s writing smut for me it’s writing angst lmao. I usually want to wrap up all the characters in fluffy blankets and make them tea, and yet here I am – letting Taemin suffer for so many chapters. I’m a monster T_T

(10) Yeahhh, about the fact that we don't see Key so much since it is in Taemin's point of view, and also the fact that our (the audience)'s perception of Key is very much influenced by how Taem sees Key, right? I think I even mentioned somewhere in the comments, that in a way, a Rashomon effect is present as the readers read the story right, since they are all on accounts of Taem's witnessing, but then also maybe I am just reading too much into this lol

It would be the Rashomon effect if I wrote the same fic out of Jonghyun’s perspective and Minho’s as well for example. In this case Taemin is just a very unreliable narrator and we don’t (well I do :’D) but the reader doesn’t know what’s really going on, if everything Taemin is experiencing is true or if it should be taken with a grain of salt. Considering that everyone in the dorm, except for Taemin, gets along well with Kibum, we might want to believe that Kibum isn’t the bad guy Taemin wants to make him out to be. ^^

(11) Honestly, I could hear my English Lit teacher saying "maybe that is not the author's intention" hahaha xD Yes yes yes!! more chapters for Taem's development!! I am ready for it!! I mean the end of chapter 7 marked the sign of the broken vase, and paired with the JongTae drought, I am looking forward to the next part of the story!! Some character development at this point is perfect I think!! And also!! About the advices, I think I commented a few times on some of the chapters.

(12) I didn't notice that before! And after you pointed it out, I think I made some comments on Minho's, Key's, and Onew's advices to Taem and definitely, based on how the events unfolded, we could argue that the advice was bad - in a way though, I can't seem to tell (yet, maybe?) if the advice giver was genuinely trying to help or do they have ulterior motives? hmmm but either way, I like how you placed a lot of thoughts in the story, even on things such as advice.

(13) Because for sure, in reality, people tend to give bad advices, and act on bad advices. It is true that most fics tend to focus only on the good advice and then the story ends happily ever after. Real life is most definitely not like that :3 your "slice of life" tag is holding up to its name ;) Thank you so much for your hard work!! You added 10,000 words for chapter 7?? omg… huhuhu (insert a bowing LINE sticker)... yeah, for sure, the way the story unfolds in my head,

(14) probably is different to other readers, right? And for sure, very different to you, the author! There are probably a lot more instances, scenes, implications, interpretations? that we as readers are unaware of! Thank you so much for all your hard work TnT, as readers, having more context into the story does give much more clarity on the flow of the story and the feelings of the characters, etc. Thank you for all your hard work! (bow bow bow)

That was something @hwarang-number commented on as well while betaing the story. What if Minho has ulterior motives?!?!?!?!? In Minho’s case it does make sense to give out bad advice to lure in the innocent lamb haha but for example what would Jinki’s or Kibum’s ulterior motives be? Sometimes people want to give out good advice, but in the end it just turns out to be bad advice – unintentionally – humans are just humans after all – and none of us is all knowing, we all perceive things differently, and what might work for one person might not work for the other. I did add 10k to chapter 7 and 25k to chapter 8 – because chapter 8 felt like the most incomplete out of all the chapters in this story. 

I think I’ve mentioned it before but hwarang_number is super attentive while reading and figured most things out that I’ve implied – even smaller details which I thought might get lost in the chapters – which I’m still impressed by, but I also said before that everyone reads stories differently, and some aspects that might not be important to me as the author of the story might be important for the readers and the other way around. For the past chapters I just tried to fill in the gaps that might confuse readers unnecessarily. In the original draft of chapter 8 Taemin is doing the deeds with Minho far more spontaneously because he’s so frustrated with Jonghyun – it made sense like that as well – but I think his frustration got more depth through the added scenes. :)

(15) Ah!! By the way!! Please don't feel like you are forced to reply to all of my messages! Having you read them already makes me happy! I don't want to make it feel like an obligation to you because... well omg my comments like super loooooong hahaha ^^;; And yeah!! Take your time with the next chapter by the way!! I am rooting for the development of the story no matter how it will go :3 I will be waiting for the next update (though no pressure, just want to put it there haha)

Dear cricket nony, if you write me 50 message I will still try to answer all of them ㅎㅅㅎ I might just take a little longer. I hope you will like chapter 8 as well, despite the drought ^^

(16) Next time, this cricket anon will bring some more noise ~ I hope your real-life stuff works out well too :D Once again, thank you for answering all of my messages, and for writing this awesomely written fanfiction! While I wait for the next chapter, I think I'm going to re-read songs of siren hehehe :3 Please stay safe!

Please do! Song of Sirens is definitely a story I would have loved to treat like “Dorm Life” in a sense that it would have turned out better if I had worked on it longer, but I’m still a fan of the big brain energy I had running through my veins when I came up with the mythological aspect of the story…lmao So I hope you will enjoy re-reading it. ^^ Chapter 8 is longer than Song of Sirens (just as a side note haha)

(17) Ah!! I forgot to mention!! After I re-read it, my most favorite literary device that you used in this fanfiction (lol this commentary is beginning to sound like a Literature essay) is the Biblical Allusions? I am not sure if this was your intention, but the juxtapositions of Bible verses or reference to God, in Taemin’s thought reminds me heavily of Taemin’s songs, particularly Heaven? It be a sexy time song if you look at the lyrics, but the composition is that of a choir church song

(18) I find the contrast chilling, and maybe you were trying to invoke that feeling to the readers? Orrr maybe I am perhaps, indeed, reading too much into this hahaha ^^;; but really! I really enjoy reading your fanfictions and coming up with analyzations, it’s very fun, and the fact that I can discuss or ask you questions about it is just makes it even more fun – since in Literature classes we can’t actually ask the author of their true intentions right hahaha okay!! I am done :3 Thank you!! <3

It was my intention and still is, so I’m glad you picked up on that. ^^ I always wanted to write a fanfic in which Taemin’s religion plays a role – even if it’s just on the side – I always make some references to Dante’s circles of Hell (when Taemin is being dramatic again) or I also made a reference to Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things in chapter 8. (I’m a big fan of his work – that dude was wild – the way he painted blows my mind every time I look at one of his paintings). So yes, dramatic Taemin talking about religion and throwing around with biblical references is my brain being wild. ^^ 

I would say that ‘Dorm Life’ is not a really deep story, but I did put a lot of thought into it to not make it your regular smut/romance fanfic. I mean it took time, still does – but I’m glad when people, like you dear cricket nony, appreciate it. So thank you so much for your kind words and sending me all your thoughts and interpretations. <3 I hope you will have a lovely December – please stay healthy and please take good care of yourself. <3

[cyberstabbing]

I wanted to read THROAM because of your posts about it since your recommendations are usually quite good and the premise is interesting but I can't get over the fact that a. it's in first person and b. the narrator seems to me to be a giant asshole and I can't deal with extremely unlikable protagonists. Idk if real life Ry*n is known for being that abrasive because idk anything about panic other than their first two records but... ahhh

You know, it's about time I rope another person into reading throam, it's been a while! Your points are all valid tbh so I get why you're hesitant to read it... still, I really do recommend giving it a shot.

I am a firm believer in avoiding fics written in first person, but surprisingly my love for throam isn't in spite of its first person pov--throam thrives on it. To the point where my first though when encountering a fic in first person is, "Who do you think you are, throam?!"

Personally i feel Anna Green (the author) makes good use of using first person pov, as she wrote Ryan as an unreliable narrator, and as a character the reader learns more about from his internal thoughts than from any of his dialogue. At any rate, you’ll stops noticing the perspective after a while!

In a way, throam walks the line between original fiction and fanfiction (even more so now that the Anna is writing a new version of it as original fiction). Rarely does a fanfic gain popularity with those unfamiliar or uninterested in fic, and yet half of throam's reviews on Goodreads are written by that very demographic. Maybe in part because the work--being an AU and all--doesn't require the reader to know anything about Panic, save for looking up the character names to see what they look like.

...Which leads us to Throam!Ryan's personality. Obviously a more jaded, rude version of IRL Ryan (case in point). I wouldn't say unlikable, though. I mean, yes, you'll want to shake him up and talk some sense into him when he acts like an asshole or a hermit (or both). But you will root for him throughout the story, no question about that. He's a complex character with some baggage, a hell of a lot of anxiety, and a life on tour which to him feels like pulling teeth. But then Brendon happens and everything else just starts to... melt away? Take up less space? Love, happens, I guess. And with it comes drama, and shit shows, and fighting, but it breathes life into Ryan.

This is turning into a whole-ass essay so I'll stop here! But yeah. I recommend throam. I know it can't be everyone's cup of tea but I'd say it's writing and characterizations more than make up for it being in the first person. And who knows, afterwards maybe you'll walk away with a newfound appreciation for that point of view? ...Or maybe that’s taking it too far, lmao. 

And thank you for enjoying my recs! I’m glad someone still reads them lol.