#do you guys get me. this man has shot my heart with a harpoon and there's no way out. His outfits murder me. All of them.

[misstictart]

Have you try to listen some relaxing music? It will helps you relax with a hot chocolate and imagine somewhere else you want to relax in

Oh, I take it you're talking about the post where I said I was upset earlier? Don't worry, by the time I had posted those doodles I was already feeling much better- but it's true music and hot drinks do help improve a bit the mood!

Here, have a doodle to illustrate it. (It's always a good time to draw Sideshow Bob, why do you ask).

(Also I'm not immune to his purple bathrobe oh my goddddddd)

[henrikvanderswoon]

MURDER AT TURQUOISE INN: A Nancy Drew Story Written by 10-year-old Yours Truly Readthrough

Alright, guys, you asked for it! It’s pouring down rain outside, I’ve grabbed some tea, I have my entire Nancy Drew game music track playlist going, and I’m ready to crack this s nutcase wide open.

Absolute ridiculousness below: 

The fact that this story is titled “Murder at Turquoise Inn” is already sending me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I spelled it terquoice on the cover page.

I also started this story out with a letter to Ned. God bless. 

Dear Ned, Beth Robertson was murdered! 

As if Ned (or anyone else) even knows who the fuck Beth Robertson is, Nancy. 

I named the owner of the inn Tina Mulberry, and I think that was very sexy of me. 

“I turned to do something, and when I came back, she was dead on the floor! I could tell because her heart wasn’t beating and she wasn’t breathing!”

I mean… that’ll do it, Tina. That’ll do it. 

Oh, but she can’t prove anything now because she ran to get help and when she returned the body was fucking MISSING.

Bess throws a conniption fit every time someone says ��Beth.”

“Oh, hello, Nancy,” she greeted.

“Hello,” Nancy greeted back. 

That is some…some god-tier writing right there. 

I really had no concept of space and time in fifth grade.

It was a huge room. Bigger than the cafeteria in Ned’s college.

Oh, was it? 

A message from the author: Hey kiddos, if you’re snooping around in someone’s closet and you come across a completely conspicuous button just chilling on the wall, don’t press it.

The three girls came out of the closet.

Well, there you have it, folks. Nancy, Bess, and George are gay. Everyone’s gay. Even your cat is gay.

Tina has a niece named Lily who calls her Mrs. Mulberry. Also, Tina consistently neglects her work duties in favor of writing a screenplay at the front desk computer and I have no idea why. 

The murderer is walking around leaving stupid messages with the drawing of a knife on them trying to curse everyone and I’m so confused. Where the hell was I going with this? 

“I KNOW YOU SAW BETH DEAD, BUT IF YOU TELL ANYONE, A DEADLY CURSE WILL FALL UPON YOU.”

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN FUCKING MEAN?

The lines in this thing are really just peak writing:

George took off after him at a safe distance to avoid being seen. But BAD LUCK FOR HER, the man jumped into a car and drove off.

 Someone sabotaged the girls’ rental car while they were away from the hotel, and this couple they literally just met are like: “I just remembered, we have an extra car that we don’t use. You could use that.” Who the fuck–?

Uh, oh. They got back to the hotel and found their own curse lying in Bess’ suitcase:

LAY OFF THE CASE, NANCY DREW. YOU MADE MRS. MULBERRY TELL YOU THE MURDER STORY. NOW THE CURSE IS UPON YOU TOO.” 

This sounds like a ten-year-old wrote it… wAiT A MiNutE–

Literally nothing in this story explains what the curse would even do to them. I love myself.

The culprit: *leaves threatening messages warning people not to speak about the murder or they’ll be cursed*

Nancy:

“Oh, hello,” Jackson greeted.

“Hi,” Nancy said. “Say! Have you heard about the murder?”

I ALMOST SPAT OUT MY TEA.

Also:

“I’m going to the store to, um, get some stuff. Like food.”

“But there’s foot here.”

“I just want to BUY things, okay? You’re so NOSEY!”

Jackson stormed off, leaving Nancy astonished. That put him on her suspect list FOR SURE.

This is a literary gem.

The way the dialogue sounds in this thing…I mean you can just tell the only written media I had been consuming at that time was the 1930′s books. 

“I think,” Nancy replied. “That tomorrow we should go to the place where I followed Jackson.”

Giving me Scooby-Doo vibes too. 

The number of times Bess says something like, “Why, Nancy!” or “This is horrid!” really makes me want to turn this into a drinking game. Take a shot every time Bess speaks like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. 

“Oh, fiddlesticks,” Bess exclaimed. 

…

No comment. 

Also, Nancy’s unadulterated sass my fifth-grade self gave her is both the worst and the best thing I’ve ever seen: 

“But what if the house isn’t empty?” Bess asked. 

“Bess, please. Ever heard of the word: S-N-E-A-K?”

I want to harpoon myself. 

There’s an elaborate maze of tunnels running underground that connects the hotel to this sketchy house miles away. The characters consistently find themselves back there several times throughout the story and literally nothing about it makes any sense at all, nor is it ever explained.  

“Man, that passageway confuses me,” said George.

Thank you, George, it confuses all of us. 

I’m actually embarrassed about how many times I refer to the group of characters as a “threesome” or a “foursome” in this thing. It’s really just the worst.

The culprit purposefully leaves behind their real initials multiple times in this story and has the audacity to be surprised when they get caught at the end? Iconique™. 

“I’m just a weird ol’ guy, Sweety-Cakes.” 

Ned, are you okay? Was I okay when I wrote this? 

Ned’s coming to visit, and he brings Burt and Dave with him and boy howdy did I forget about those two. 

“This mystery sounds dangerous,” Burt remarked. “Shouldn’t you leave this case to the men?” 

“I’d like to see you try,” Nancy fired back.

Yaaaassss, Queen. Get his ass. 

Also the murderer has now resorted to hitting people with a driverless vehicle and I’m honestly convinced ten-year-old me was on drugs. 

“Good! We were starting to get worried about you.” 

“Oh, don’t worry about me. I…wait…wait, actually, worry about me!” 

The line goes dead here because Lily’s car was uhhhh T-boned. 

My only regret in this story is that the Hardy Boy’s are not here. Although, in hindsight, they’re probably lucky they didn’t get subjected to this shitshow. 

Meanwhile, George thought maybe Bess had made a mistake and walk’s into the men’s bathroom. She walked in but found no one–well, except a bunch of screaming men. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

They went to see Lily in the hospital and Bess got hit by a driverless car in the fucking parking lot. WHAT KIND OF MADWOMAN WOULD WRITE THIS I CAN’T BREATHE.

That night, back at the hotel, Nancy gets lured out of the hotel and into the back forest behind it because someone’ s playing weird music and I’m just now realizing my child self had no idea what kind of theme to run with here (murder, hauntings, curses, GTA) so I just went with all of them at once.

“I could just destroy it,” Ned said as he studied the lock. “Stand back.” Backing up a few yards, he bolted for the cabin door and broke it down with a strong kick. “For Nancy!” he shouted. 

HeR Interactive’s Ned could never.

 So they find Nancy tied up in a cabin in the woods and, lo and behold there’s a trap door that LeADs InTo tHE UnDeRGroUnD TuNnEls. Who’da thunk?

And of course they find a journal written in code, and the code key just happens to have been left in the cabin. 

“I’ve written this journal in code so if anyone finds it, they will not discover my secret. Okay, now that I’ve said that, here is my secret.” 

This is the first line Nancy decodes. I’m…

Naturally, we find out that Beth Robertson was not dead, but just kidnapped (don’t even ask me how the fuck they got her body to appear dead…drugs?) and being held in the underground tunnels. 

Because this makes perfect sense. 

“You seem different. Your voice doesn’t sound the same and you’re a little shorter than you usually…” Tiffany trailed off. “You are Jackson, aren’t you?”

“No,” Ned said. “Thanks for asking.” 

This is 100 times funnier without context so I’m not giving you any. 

I don’t know about you guys, but if I was arranging a meeting with a colleague and they showed up in a ski mask and a hooded cloak, I’d be a little suspicious.

“But you’ re supposed to be delivering Nancy Drew poisonous flowers from her ‘boyfriend.’”

Oh my god this bitch pulls a gun on Ned and together the rest of the group (you know, the ones who haven’t been hit by a car) fucking go APESHIT on this woman’s ass. I CAN’T BREATHE. 

And of course they find Beth tied up somewhere in the tunnels and get her to safety, and they learn that Bess and Lily are recovering well in the hospital and go to visit them and everything’s all bright and happy. 

THE LAST LINE OF THE STORY HAS ME SCREAMING, THOUGH. To the point where I’m just gonna sign off here and leave you all with it. 

“Man.” Lily looked sad. “I wish I hadn’t missed almost the whole thing.” 

Bess spoke up. “I, on the other hand, am glad.” 

[queenmuzz]

Deep Blue Sea: Chapter X

The Pieces (of Pizza) Fit

Read the full story on Ao3 Here! Where the Hell is my brother?

The voice, full of rage, nearly gave you a migraine as you struggled to get out of the unyielding grip.  Slow to anger, my ass, you brain unhelpfully supplied to you as you frantically tried to get out of his grasp.  At the same time, the clock was ticking as your oxygen levels depleted and your lungs protested.  Great job, your brain continued, trying to get your crush (NOT MY CRUSH you corrected) to safety, only to get killed by the one man you thought could save him.  If it weren’t for the fact that you kinda needed your  brain to remain alive, you’d attempt to shut the damn thing off.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?

His grip tightened, and you could have heard an angry growl in the water, instead of in your head.  And just when you felt like you couldn't take any more, you were pulled out of the water.  You tried to take a breath of precious air, terrified that he’d dunk you back in, but he slammed you into the hull, knocking any remaining air out of you.  Your head whacked painfully on the fiberglass frame, and your vision turned black for a moment.  Your jackknife slipped out of your wet hands, and into the depths, leaving you nigh defenseless.

“I swear to the Tidemother, if you have touched a hair on his head, I’ll drag you to the deepest fucking depths of the ocean, and let the scavengers eat your corpse.”

You tried to respond, tried to tell him that you meant him no harm, but his face was full of fury, and now he gripped your neck in his webbed hands.  Your hands latched on to his wrist, in a futile attempt to break free, but all you managed to do was to jostle the amulet free from under your shirt. 

The glint of gold must have attracted his attention because he loosened his grip slightly allowing you to gasp out for air.  Perhaps he recognized it as a sign that Vergil trusted you.

That idea went out the window as he snarled, and suddenly you were lifted up and thrown back onto the deck, sliding a metre and a half across the wood. 

You barely had time to reorient yourself before you heard a massive splash, a crushing weight on your torso, and most worryingly of all, the cold, sharp tip of metal at your throat.  Your vision rapidly cleared, you saw him on top of you, teeth bared, reared back, with an honest to God sword pointed at your throat.  (Where the hell did that come from? your brain asked unhelpfully)

“I don’t go after humans,” his icy voice chilled you to the bone, “But for you…” the sword tip moved slightly to lift the amulet up, “I’ll gladly make an exception.  Where. Is. He.”

“Help…”  you managed to croak.

“Bit too late to be begging for help, babe” he sardonically replied.

You shook your head, and slowly grabbed the amulet, intending somehow to take it off, before, surprisingly it easily unlatched itself.  Sparing a quick glance at it as you cautiously slid it to the side, you were perplexed that there was no clasp, no broken chain...magic?

No time to ruminate about it, you took another breath of air, praying that it wouldn’t be your last.

“Help….him”

Confusion flooded Dante’s face, as to your relief, he withdrew his weapon away from the hollow of your throat as he snatched the chain and scooted away from you.  You took this precious moment to catch your breath, heaving in and out and when you had recovered some of your strength, you rolled over to see Dante clutching the amulet to his chest, a matching one in silver and red around his neck, his eyes shut tight.   The sword was gone, and you were beginning to think your lack of oxygen had caused you to hallucinate it.

A good minute passed as you watched him, neither one of you moving an inch.  What he was doing with it, you had no idea.  You slowly backed up, you didn’t want to hurt him if he attacked again, you just wanted to convince him that you truly wanted his help.  

And then, out of nowhere, the merman laughed.  It wasn’t a soft chuckle like his brother’s, but it didn’t seem dangerous.  

“Oh bro…   you’re such an idiot…” he bent his head over the necklace, his wet hair obscuring most of his face, leaving only a toothy smile, “You know, once I get your tail fins out of there, I’m never gonna let you forget this, right?”  You weren’t sure if he was talking to the gem, his brother, or himself.

He brushed his hair to the side, allowing you to see his face.  It was much kinder than before, if a bit embarrassed.  “I…. eh, sorry ‘bout that, kinda swam out before checking the current, you know what I mean?  Mom always told me I was a bit impulsive.  You okay?”

“Yeah…” your voice was raspy, but felt much better “Wait, did you just know what happened just by holding that?” you pointed at the chain, dangling in his hand.

��Well, I got the gist of it, it’s not like we can send messages like you humans do in your little things you carry around constantly, but it can give me a bubbleful of information.” He chuckled, “So, my brother’s been captured and being kept as a pet, but you’re a friend of his.” 

Your heart warmed up at the fact that Vergil, despite everything, considered you worthy of friendship.  You hoped that you could be on friendly terms with his brother.  So you did the thing that worked with Vergil.  Grabbing the cardboard box that had fallen to the deck in the kerfuffle, and opened it up.

“Want a piece?”

The way his nostrils flared and his eyes widened at the sight, you realized you had made the correct decision.

*****

“So, Verg says to me.  ‘Brother, I wager you ten cordina to get on that boat and grab something from it’...” Dante regaled you as he worked on his fifth slice of pizza, savouring every mouthful.  His imitation of his brother was quite on the nose. He lounged on the sunny side of the deck, still shielded from prying eyes by the way you tilted the sail, as you anchored the boat.

“And I says ‘you’re on!’ and I scope out this boat full of guys playing loud music.  I’m looking for a way to sneak on the damn boat, but there’s waaaay too many people dancing or something.  But I’ll do anything to prove my bro wrong, so I wait.  And Wait. And Wait.  But when the Dawnfather was just about to rise, everyone finally fell asleep.  So I flop on board, and I’m terrified that I’ll wake up someone, but everyone is really sleeping, like if it wasn’t for those funny noises you guys make when you sleep, I’d think they were dead.   I grab the first thing I see, one of these,” he held up the half eaten slice, “and I bring it to Verg, and he grumbly pays off the bet. But,” he finished off the slice, “what’s weird, this stuff was the real prize.  Vergil could have offered me a hundred cordina for that one piece, and I’d have said no…. It was so fucking delicious.  And now you come along with a whole box of this…” “Pizza” 

“Mmmm… Pizza…” he picked up another slice and stretched out the cheese.  “I gotta say, this is why I like you humans, you come out with some pretty delicious food.  It’s hard to make this stuff when you are surrounded by water.”

You smiled.  Vergil had said they were twins, and while they looked very similar, (aside from scale colour) their personalities couldn’t possibly be any more different.  While Vergil was calm, composed, and contemplative   Dante was brash, bombastic, and brazen.  Vergil was disdainful of humanity, (although you couldn’t really blame him), while Dante seemed to enjoy the quirks humans had.  But strangely, despite his totally different personality, you liked him, though not in the same way as his brother.

“So, you want to get my brother back to the open waters, eh?”  He had emptied the box of its contents, and was now licking his fingers for any remnants of melted cheese.  

“Yes, and I need your help to make sure he gets as far away as possible, and doesn’t try to do something that’s liable to get him captured again.”

“That I can do… although I can hardly believe that he actually regrets not listening to me. You sure he said that?”

“Pretty much…”

Dante went a bit serious… “Okay, it should be simple.   You get him to the ocean...let’s say,” he scanned the horizon, before pointing at the beach that lay next to the suspension bridge that linked both sides of the bay. “Right there.  Should be when the next time the Tidemother shows her full face, that’ll give you enough light to see, to slip him out, and also the tide will be up, making the trek to the water’s edge as simple as possible.  I’ll be waiting, and I’ll drag him by the tail fins out of here, if I have to…. and knowing Vergil, that’s probably literally, not figuratively speaking.”

“That simple?”  you were perplexed.  Surely there had to be more, or else Vergil would have been dropped off a long time ago, before you had time to develop feelings for him. 

“Should be, I mean, you come across any trouble, he can probably use Yamato to get rid of any problems.”  He now was scraping the melted cheese off the bottom of the box, and you were worried that if you didn’t stop him, he’d just eat the entire thing, cardboard and all.

“Yamato?”  you’d never heard that term before.  

Dante dropped the box, looking alarmed, “Wait, he hasn’t shown you Yamato?” his eyebrows shot up, “okay, that makes sense on why he’s been stuck… he doesn’t have his, …. um….” he cocked his head in thought, “I guess a rough translation would be ‘soul-weapon.’”  You shook your head.  Vergil had never mentioned anything about a weapon.

Dante continued, “I don’t really know how you humans see your souls, but the gist is, everyone of us has a weapon that’s intrinsically connected with our soul, our very being.”  He rubbed his head, “some of us have harpoons, others daggers, even have a few with a trident. Me on the other hand…” his hand waved out, and instantly, in a red flash, appeared a sword.  You hadn’t imagined it!  “This is Rebellion, ain’t she a beaut?” 

You had to agree.  It was a long solid sword, with what seemed to be a stylized human skull at the crossguard, but with shark teeth poking out from where the eyes were, as well as embedded into the ricasso of the blade.  It definitely was intimidating.  “So, a brief summary of how we look at our lives.  Us Merfolk see life like the way water moves.  Water flows throughout the ocean, until the Dawnfather decides it is time for it to ascend, and so the water becomes the clouds above, before raining back down and eventually rejoining the ocean.  It’s a cycle.”

“Ah,” you nodded, “like reincarnation”

“I guess?” Dante shrugged, “the philosophy of it all was all mom’s and Verg’s thing.  Anyways,”  he looked at Rebellion, “like I said, the weapon is linked to our soul, and if anything happens to it, it’s like someone took a bucketful of  that water and just locked it away, never able to return to the ocean, or repeat the cycle.  And it’s irreversible, a fate worse than death.”

Instantly, your mind went back to something similar Vergil had said all those months ago, and you remembered the ‘leash’ the good Doctor had in a long slender briefcase.  The pieces were beginning to fit.

“I mean, it’s hard to damage one of these, but it can be done, and most likely there’s the connection that's the issue.”

“The connection?”

“You can’t stray too far from your weapon, that’s why if you get too far, SNAP,” Rebellion dissipated in a shower of sparks.  “It’s the same as if the weapon got destroyed.  Somebody probably got a hold of Yamato, and you got lucky that they haven’t gone too far with it, or they know that they can use it over him.” his brow furrowed.  “On the bright side, it means it can’t be too far from where he is right now, so you won’t have to search too far.  But on the other hand… I’m still trying to figure out why he never told you  about this…”  he seemed honestly puzzled , “I mean, he trusted you enough with the amulet.” It worried you too.  Was Vergil too proud to ask a mere human, even one he was on good terms with for aid?  If he had just asked, you would have dropped everything to find and get this Yamato back for him.  It would have saved you a lot of heartache.  

“I think..” you said, “I know where his sword would be.”  The warehouse.  It was the only building Doctor Griffon could possibly keep the ‘leash’.  It wouldn’t be hard to get to, you had keys and codes for all the buildings on the property.

“Good!” his face brightened, “you get that sword to him, and you bring him here, and I can get him out.  Easy as swimming!”

“Yeah… easy as swimming” You attempted to match his enthusiasm.

“You know, you’re a good person.  Vergil has never been too close with humans, especially after mom and dad… well,” his features fell, “I thought I lost him too… was halfway about to follow him on a suicidal attack. When I felt the amulet,” he clutched it tightly in his hand, “I thought that he’d escaped, and when I found out it was a human, I just… I just snapped.”  

“You don’t have to apologise, Dante.  He’s your brother, after all.”

“Well, he’s a lucky son-of-a-barnacle to have an Odar like you, Dawnfather knows what would have happened to him if he didn’t meet you.”

You were slightly confused, “Odar?  Never heard that term.”

“Ah, keep forgetting you’re not familiar with Old Mer.  Basically a term for a human, but in a good way” he clarified. “Oh,” you murmured, mostly to yourself. “That’s not what Vergil calls me.”

“Ah?  What does he call you? It better not be ‘Chiktik’, or I’ll be punching him in the face when he gets back.”

“He calls me… Sifa.”

There were a few moments of silence, with only the gentle lapping of water against the hull, and the flap of the sail in the breeze.  Dante just stared at you, jaw dangling, looking exactly like a moray eel.  And then, to your astonishment… he just started laughing.

“Verg… of all the mer… well, I guess the polyp doesn’t drift too far from the coral.   Mom would be proud of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He seriously hasn’t told you what it meant?”

“Vergil said it meant, ‘human,’” you answered and the red scaled merman cackled before looking up to you with a big grin. 

“You really want to know what it means?”

You bit your lower lip, afraid to know, but yet still intrigued, and after some hesitation, you nodded.

“There’s not a perfect translation, but basically, it means ‘Beloved’.  It’s a term you only use… well, for someone you really care about.  Someone…” he paused, as if for emphasis.  “You love.”

It was a good thing you were already sitting, because your legs began to feel like jelly, numbness spreading to your chest.

“He can’t…” you managed to wheeze out.

“Why not?” Dante asked.

“I’m basically his jailor!  There’s no possible way he could be truly in love with me!” You tried to protest.  But to your dawning horror, you realized a whole plethora of signs that he had been developing feelings for you.  The songs, the glances, the gentle touches.  Your head sank into your hands as you stared at the wood.  How could you have been so stupid?  How could you have been so blind?  

Or...maybe you had known, you just didn’t want to accept the truth.

“Well,” Dante added unhelpfully, “you don’t just call anyone Sifa, it's a fairly dedicated term, and Vergil wouldn’t just call you that if he didn’t mean it.”  He slipped back into the water gracefully, apparently oblivious to the turmoil that he had inadvertently caused.

“But there’s no way it would work between us!  I mean,” you pointed at your legs “we’re not even the same species!”

His response was to laugh.   If it wasn’t for the fact that he was Vergil’s  brother, you’d have clobbered him for his continued ignorance about how much this affected you.  “I don’t really think that’s much of an issue, but that’s not for me to say,” he responded cryptically.  “I’m sure Verg can fill you in.”  

And with that, he slipped back into the water, leaving you staring at the trail of bubbles.

No, you were not going to speak to Vergil about any of this.   You were going to keep this whole revelation to yourself, and focus on locating that sword and then getting him home.   It would be painful, but it was for the best for both of you.  That’s what you kept telling yourself.

Without warning, the water opened up again to reveal the smiling visage of Dante, his hand outstretched, holding your jackknife, and his own amulet, keeping the golden one around his neck. “Meetcha when the Tidemother is at her highest point when she shows her full face!  Good luck!” and after handing the blade and the silver amulet  to you, he swam off, as if he didn’t have a care in the world, leaving you alone with your turbulent thoughts.

*****

You returned back home, to see an expectant Vergil poised at the edge of the platform.  His eyes widened as you nodded and handed him the silver amulet, proof that you’d finally met his elusive brother.  He clutched it tightly, and for a moment you panicked, wondering if he was somehow able to look into the latest conversation you and Dante had.  But when he opened his eyes, they were full of relief and happiness.

“Ah, so he is well.”  He leaned back  in the water as he placed the chain around his neck, “That is good, that is good.”

You attempted to add some sort of joviality, “He thinks you’re an idiot for getting yourself captured.”

Vergil chuckled, “That does sound like him.  But at least he’s alright…” he turned to you, smiling gratefully.  “Thank You, Sifa.”

You successfully managed to hide the pain that word caused you as you gave him your best grin.

“Anything for you, Vergil”

[badlydrawndrawnings]

atwq book one thoughts

when the first atwq book came out, i was no longer part of the targeted audience. still, when the book came out and i was at walmart shopping with my mom, i was able to check out the book/magazine section and read at least up to the end of chapter one (we had to leave because we needed to go to the checkout line). i liked what i read, and wanted to read more, but i just couldn’t afford to buy the book.

few years back i got spoiled on rather minor details of the books. i decided to do everything in my power to not get spoil from that point on (i usually hunt down spoilers in my other fandoms, but asoue was one of my first fandom i entered via me and my sister. no one else read the books or weren’t fans of them, so we turn to each other to talk about them. getting spoilers for my first fandom hurt me in a way that doesn’t hurt when compare to my other fandoms)

now i got a chance to read the atwq books and i took my sweet time (i began reading at the beginning of the new year year) for the first book. i hope i don’t get spoilers for the remaining books. i’m basically going to do a review of sorts for all four books, but it’s not going to be organized half the time and me probably having some rambles of the original asoue book series + personal stuff that’s not heavy. it’s under the cut to not clog up space + keep most spoilers out.

so this first book and i guess the rest of the series only exists because lemony and kit wants to steal something in the city and lemony deciding to leave kit all by herself, this hangfire wants a stolen statue that’s actually not stolen (because he’s the one who basically came up with the story it was stolen) for reasons, and hangfire deciding that as well as making up a lie he also decides to kidnap a man from his daughter for the BB statue (i’m too lazy to write out the whole name), with lemony deciding to stay to help ellington and strain’d-by-the-sea (i’ll call it sbts i’m too lazy to right it fully again).

thought it does make me wonder something. just how super important is ellington’s dad to be worth kidnapping and become a hostage as well. like, this guy is straight up willing to use ellington and her desire to get her dad back. yes, ellington has shady vibes but they’re all here because of someone who doesn’t want to do his own freaking work of stealing a freaking statue! 

granted because i got also strong noir vibes, especially given lemony is sort of crushing on her but not really and agreeing to help ellington find her dad and like, the opening paragraph of the book is something of a give away, i get the feeling i shouldn’t trust and have my heart on my sleeve 100% for ellington. she is clearly the kid friendly version of the woman character who makes the request to the detective and is totally gonna backstab the detective at some point.

but because i’m not really seeing these signs now in this first book, as well as having terrible judgement when it comes to backstabbing characters i’m just gonna do exactly as the above. i think because ellington talks fondly of her father from what i know of, i think it’s just me wanting a character in this series to have a good parent who is alive.

onto the next character moxie! i like moxie and her friendship with lemony. he needs friends who aren’t completely in this whole vfd mess. bit off topic, but i always thought the kind editor in asoue was a woman for some reason. and despite knowing her for a few days, lemony trusts her enough to tells her things kind of makes me think she is the kind editor.

so, pip and squeaks are clearly the kids who will wear a trench coat and pretend to be an adult. looking at the illustration, squeaks looks like a walking toddler but i get the feeling’s like, five. pip looks like his age so no problem there. so, gonna headcanon that when they go out to get their driver license they are going to ace the test with all early practice

in regards to dashiell qwerty, i like him, and for weird reasons. first off, his freaking last name is something i adore. qwerty is just the freaking first letter row of a keyboard. this is some ace attorney level of naming (they love puns and  meanings for many of their characters). second, the one illustration of qwerty makes me of ghost trick (the hair and sunglasses is basically the character design of the main playable character). i’m honestly sorry for bringing of things you probably don’t know, but i like him and trust him. i feel like i shouldn’t get too attach to him. if the sub-sub-librarian got freaking shot with a harpoon gun, i should expect something bad happen to qwerty. the fact he’s not even part of vfd makes me even more worry.

on prosper lost i have little to say. well, i can say ‘eh’. but it’s a good eh. he’s just a man trying to run a business in a dying sbts. i wish him all the luck it doesn’t close down

i have some harsh words about the mitchum family. but before i go into it, i want to talk about carmelita spats. as a child, i did not like her. she reminded me of a bully i had while as a kid who eventually left the school, so her return in the later books made me upset because shes like, agreeing to work with the villians. i wasn’t immune from bullies at least until my first year of high school, so when i did a re-read in middle school (and post high school pre-netflix show) i still didn’t like her. 

however, i admit i feel some pity i did not have for her when i was little kid. she’s clearly an orphan who doesn’t know it (i think her parents during taa were alive and spoiling her rotten), and while knowing that she was going to side with esme and olaf, a part of me wished something in the narrative change. i knew that realistically she was going to still side with the villains, but at the same time, i had the dumb idea that maybe she wouldn’t (so when it happens, i went ‘why did i thought the opposite that i’m being silly’). watching netflix!asoue and another re-read with netflix’s show in mind, she’s just a character i love to hate while having a ton of pity for her. i think her rotten behavior is because her parents are showering her love and affection, but sadly by this ‘babying’ and spoiling, it made her think she deserves everything and handed on a platter. hearing the wonderful words from esme and olaf (more esme than olaf), carmelita believe they were going to be loving her like her parents did, maybe even more.

when it came to deciding what is carmelita’s fate is, i usually think she survived the fire, but died from fire related injuries. however, after meeting the mitchum and their oh so ‘lovely’ son, i’m recanting it. i thought carmelita was a terrible child, but no, stew is the real terrible child. i read this book twice, and i can’t find anything from the pages to my freaking heart that can make me love to hate him or give him pity (like, even in the smallest ounce of pity my middle school self gave for carmelita). it’s not help that his parents are too blind and obsess with fighting with each other to work together and see their son is not the sweetheart they think he is. worst, i can’t tell if stew is using this to his advantage or if he’s just that much of bully who gets away with it and doesn’t know his parents are arguing that much.

(going back to carmelita, my new headcanon for her is that she was thought to be dead, and esme - who i think survived the fire- ditch out of grief. upset at being abandon, carmelita decides to go back home to what she presumed to be her worried parents (she’s been missing for like, a few days at max). but discovering the remains of her family house in ashes she enters an almost breakdown because in hindsight, she should have listen to the orphans, as well as having to accept she’s an orphan -the one thing she didn’t want to be. while on the trip back to her parents carmelita drags ernest -who i think also survived- into taking her home because since he worked with esme, carmelita is his responsibility now. ernest is still in grief over the lost of his brothers and wants nothing to do with her, but does so because he wants this kid to return back home to her real family and have no more part of vfd. with the discovery, ernest decides to raise her as his own. it works out compare to esme’s care, and carmelita becomes a better person due to ernest raising her as a real parent and not someone spoiling her 24/7 and because of their experience allow them bond and reflect their life choices.)

in regards to s theodora markson...i don’t know how to feel about her. everything she does in this book towards lemony makes sense if he was an older teenager of 17 or 18. she doesn’t want back talk and is willing to kick lemony out of the car. she is making lemony do things no one his age should do. i know lemony is an apprentice but this is all so mind-boggling hard for someone his age to do (like, even at 17 and 18 is the same but that's older so i’m not as worry but worry none the less). however, given she’s a vfd member, i bet what she went through is just a tough and harsh (maybe even more; times change it’s possible what lemony is going through is actually a water down version of what she and her generation went through), and if the schism affected her in ways i may never know. i do wonder who is her last apprentice.

as for lemony snicket himself...i have words. i got introduced to the asoue series as a kid via my sister and the movie, and it’s actually a funny story. my sister told me there’s this cool movie i would like. when i saw the the littlest elf stop motion i almost left the living room out of confusion. then some british narrator cuts in and after he does his bit, i sat back down and my sister paused the movie and laugh at me (turns out she watch the movie beforehand and wanted to see my reaction). throughout my entire life i only knew lemony snicket as guy who is very sad man who lost everything in his life and does his best to help three children who as it turns out, are children to the woman he loves (loved), and has maybe a faint hope of reuniting with what may be the last member of his family (i read the beatrice letters once and and beatrice’s ii letter wanting to meet him is one of the few details i remember).

so basically reading a kid!lemony snicket is jarring. i can’t say he has a personality change because kid!lemony is still the same as adult!lemony. clearly getting pinned for crimes he didn’t commit, being force to be on the run, and his fiancee broke things off with him happening around the same time and with the fact he probably never saw his siblings again when becoming a fugitive was the biggest shift to a lonely, depressed man who is willing to stay at the edge of a random town and cry and not set foot in it. however, i think there are traces of who kid!lemony eventually become.

kid!lemony is willing to go to a random town he doesn’t know. kid!lemony is spunky and wants to solve this mystery in his own correct way. kid!lemony is all ‘i’m gonna do something and there’s nothing you [theodora] or anyone else can do to stop me’ and like any kid, will make mistakes and will screw up (he fell for hangfire’s voice mimicry after all). but i know that in the end of the day, it’s only a matter of time before things turn sour and traces of adult!lemony shows up in kid!lemony. his ‘talk’ to the imaginary kit is definitely traces of what is the eventually adult!lemony: a lonely person who wants someone/something that is familiar comfort that could brings some amount of joy. kid!lemony uses his imagination, while adult!lemony turns to his memories (netflix!lemony could be using his imagination to ‘look’ into his memories to feel better).

there isn’t too much left to say, other than the spoilers i learn. i am upset to learn asoue characters cameo in the series. i got more upset that one of the cameos i learn was hector. i knew he was a vfd member because the tua confirm it via jacques letter to lemony, but this really 100% confirm it. i wanted to be surprise. it seems i wasn’t completely spoiled, because i was really surprise to see hector be the first cameo. 

hector is one of the few adult characters i like. i think it’s because i relate to his skittish behavior- i’m not on the level as him-  i thought of him as hispanic/mexican -i’m half mexican from my father’s side- and because until jerome and justice strauss’s return in the tpp, hector is the only adult who while failing baudelaires (for not standing up for jacques and willing to leave them in their jail cell) makes up for it 100% and grows as a character. he successfully helps the baudelaires when it came to saving duncan and isadora via the self sustaining hot air mobile home (contrast to jerome, who when the children begs for help, decides to not help because he realizes he’s not brave enough for the task), and rightfully calls out vfd the place for their rules and overall behavior (contrast to justice strauss, who while does use her judicial powers to make the marriage null and calls count olaf out, has listen to a legal argument first due to being enraptured by the idea of being on the stage).

i think by default, i like kid!hector. he basically had my reaction when asking  confirmation that the butler (hangfire) did it, and i share that desire of wanting a (good) mexican restaurant [i consider taco bell as a ‘mexican restaurant’ but honestly i don’t like their menu]. it’s jarring to see kid!hector speak his mind and can be harsh without any signs of the skittish behavior. i will say kid!hector’s call out reflect nicely on how adult!hector at the end of tvv called out vfd the place. i guess hector is the type of guy who would make call outs on other people, not the person who is the target of call outs. it’s sad kid!hector call outs kid!lemony for not helping kit, but adult!hector will do nothing to save jacques from his eventual death. adult!hector is the thing kid!hector would hate, and i can’t help but wonder if hector hates himself for what he did.

[thatfairyfangirl]

Part Of That World Chapter 8

Your eyes lingered on Bucky’s muscles glistening under the lights of the training room as Nat’s foot landed in your stomach. “Ughf.” It didn’t exactly hurt, but it definitely wasn’t comfortable as you landed on the mat. 

“You alright?” Nat asked short of breath as she lowered herself down to you, following her friend’s eyes to the former assassin sparing with Steve on the other side of the room before giving you a knowing smirk. “You seem a little distracted.”

“No I don’t...No I’m not. I uhh, I just had some hair in my eyes.” You protested as you pushed your blond and aqua hair from your face. 

“Mm hmm sure.” She said as she turned to the super soldiers. “Hey Steve, I need a break, what do you say to a coffee run?”

“Sure. Buck can you work with (Y/n) while we’re gone?” He turned to you, letting out a sigh as he watched your eyes sadden at the thought of being stuck training with him. “The more practice you get with those knives the better. Plus,” he turned to Bucky, “you getting some action against her harpoon might not be a bad idea either.”

The two of you just stood awkwardly as you were left alone for the first time since the halloween party. “So...Should we maybe talk about-”

“No.” You said sharply as you reached for the knives Steve had given you. “Let's just get this over with.”

“Alright…” He sighed as he readied to spar. “It’s just,” he dipped to the side to dodge the slash of your knife, “I’ve been wondering...” he dipped to the other side as you slashed again with enough firosity to make him think you might actually be trying to hurt him. “Did you know it was me?”

“Of course not!” You snapped as you both traded blows. “That was my one chance to get to know some people as an equal, you really think I would have wasted it on you?” 

As you attempted to punch him he grabbed your hand with his bionic arm, then the next with the other. “It’s just, Wizard of Oz is such an old film...Hell, it was the last movie I went to see before the accident. Is that really your favorite movie?” 

“Yes.” You replied as you attempted to pull your hands free. “Me and Great Aunt Pearl used to watch it all the time back in Maine. It reminds me of my childhood.” As you stood there at a stalemate he found himself looking into your eyes, heart racing. He thought about how the mystery girl from the party made his heart skip a beat with just a smile. How could this be the same girl?

~ ~ ~ ~

With a sigh you settled into your usual reading spot by the window looking down onto the streets below, barely colored with the few leaves in the city changing their colors. “Pretty isn’t it.” Bucky said with a half smile as he came close to admire the view of Central Park off in the distance.  

“It’s alright. But Maine this time of year is breathtaking. I’m thinking about going for a visit.” You said as you set Return of the King down.

“You’re still reading that book? Didn’t you start it over the summer?” Bucky half teased as he came to lean against the window.

You looked up to the ocean blue of his eyes, still finding it hard to believe this was the guy you had such a good time with at the party. As he leaned over you, you realized just how intoxicating his musk could be. He smelled just like he did the night of the party. “No, that was Fellowship. This is the third one.” You explained as you stood, worming out from between him and the window.

“Hey you two!” Steve called from down the hall, on his way to their rooms to look for them. “Shield came up with a lead on a possible Hydra base in the Rocky Mountains. Think you two can play nice long enough for a recon mission?” You both looked to each other before nodding. “Good, suit up.”

~ ~ ~ ~

You and Bucky let the auto nav system fly the quinjet as he did a last minute inspection on his guns and you did some last minute testing on your h2o condenser gauntlets. “So...Maine? Any plans for while you’re there?” 

“You mean outside of being away from you?" He couldn't help noticing much less disdain for him in your voice as you spoke. "Oh not much, maybe visit the marina dad kept his houseboat in.”

“You should go. It might help you cope with stuff.” He offered lightly as he prepared his weapons. 

You raised a brow as you looked over to him, the black leather of his uniform mingling perfectly with the metal of his arm and the dark tendrils of hair dancing over his shoulders. “What is this? What are you doing?” You asked suspiciously as you pulled your hair back into a tight bun, realizing you were close to your target. 

“It’s called being nice. You should try it sometime.” He answered with a smirk before the cabin of the quintet shook violently. "Shit!" He exclaimed as you both tumbled toward each other, arms reaching out instinctively to steady yourselves against the other. "The hell was that?!"

"You act like you've never been fired at before." Your eyes darted around the cabin. "Friday, get us out of the air!" The computer's voice was little more than static but she did as requested. 

"Well...so much for recon mission…" Bucky half chuckled  handing you your harpoon.

~ ~ ~ ~

Though the jet had been shot at you were glad to see it landed in one piece before managing to sneak your way inside. But, what you found in there definitely left you less than thrilled… The facility hidden deep within the mountains held a large tank, thankfully empty. But what sent the worst chill down your spine was the sheets of paper covered in sketches of Atlantean biology and calculations for just how much water they would need and how much sedation would be effective. "I think I'm going to be sick." You scoffed as you pieced together that what you found was a research facility and test lab for a crossbreeding program.

Bucky nodded in agreement, his eye not once leaving the scope of his gun, aim constantly moving, ready to shoot down anyone who stumbled on them. But no one did...the place seemed to be deserted. "I don't like this. We should have ran in to trouble by now."

Your eyes scoured the room. As much as you hated to admit it, he was right. "There has to be someone here...who shot at the jet?" You asked as you searched for any clues.

"Might have been an automated security system." He answered as he continued to look around. Spotting a map Bucky lowered his scope, a deep sense of dread growing in his gut. The map had colored pen marks  in seemingly random points in the oceans. But one spot he recognized...where they found you. "Hey...what do you make of this?"

Your eyes looked up from a journal filled with notes before you stepped closer. "Oh good god… " you muttered, recognizing each pinpoint as a different settlement colony. "How did they find them?" You asked in a worried breath before reaching up to tear the map off the wall.

~ ~ ~ ~

“So uhh...we have a problem.” Bucky announced with a scrunched brow as he turned back to face you.

“Oh god what?” You groaned as you came to lean over him at the cockpit. The gold and blue of your hair danced over his shoulders as your head dropped in defeat seeing the black screen that was supposed to be showing a map as you realized the hit you took on the way in knocked out the auto nav systems. "So? I thought you knew how to fly this thing?"

“And what good will that do if I don't know what way to point it?” Bucky's words spat out as he gave the computer a frustrated hit. You both knew well enough neither of you knew how to fix it. "Looks like you get that vacation you were wanting."

“Just radio the team for help.” You suggested, already annoyed with this as you reached for the com set. Nothing but static. “Oh you've got to be kidding.” You shouted as you threw the headset. “FUCK!”

“It's not so bad. They'll figure out something's wrong and come looking for us in a day or so.” Bucky offered as he got up searching the jet for the emergency rations.

“How well are you adapted to the cold?” You asked folding your arms, interjecting a healthy dose of reality into Bucky's unfounded optimism. “We are in the mountains in the autumn. As soon as the sun goes down it's going to start getting colder.” You informed him. “Get your priorities straight Buck.” You added before leaving the jet, disappearing into the wilderness.

Hours later you returned with a pile of wood kneeling down in the clearing the jet landed in. Bucky watched as you got a fire going. “How does a mermaid know how to do that?” He wondered out loud as he emerged with the blankets he found.

“Atlantean. And I didn't always live in the water… Dad loved to go camping a lot when I was a kid.” You explained as you took the blanket to wrap around you. Sitting by the fire your eyes drifted up to see the stars beginning to come alive in the mountain sky. Realizing how long it had been since you've seen them you let out a long sigh, studying each point of light.

“Man that's really something amazing.” He said referring to the soft smile and starlight twinkling in against your face as he sat beside you, leaning back on the blanket. It was nice to see you looking at peace for once.

With a growing smile you leaned back as well, your fingertips brushing slightly against his as your hand landed in the plush grass.  “Yeah...I've spent so much time in the water I almost forgot how beautiful they were.” You reached up with your other hand pointing to a cluster of stars. “That one is called puppis. It was always my dad’s favorite, he named his fishing boat after it.”

“Puppis? Why would you name a boat that?” He asked with a raised brow.

“Its part of a cluster that makes up the Argo. Its this ship from Greek Myth. Dad called it the impossible ship. The constellation moves westward but it sails stern first.” He watched your eyes go wide as you spoke. “Oh my god I'm an idiot!” you announced as you jumped up, the blanket fluttering from your shoulders.

“No objections here." He chuckled, watching you put the fire out with your powers. "Didn't you just get that going?”

“Yeah but I can get us home!” You explained as you scooped the blankets up.

“Did you suddenly remember Tony showing you how to fix the nav system?” He asked with a raised brow.

“Why? We have a working nav system.” You pointed upward. What sailor can't navigate by the stars? Once back on the jet he watched you slip into the co-pilot' seat as you helped direct him back to New York as you both sailed through the stars.

[verified-fanmade-deductions]

The End

- This episode gave me too many emotions so just expect me to be rambling nonsensically and screaming, okay? Okay.

- BEATRICEEEEEEEE!!!!! I LOVE HER SHE’S SO CUTE I MUST HUG HER!!!!!!!

- I really love how they kept in the sheer utter amounts of DONE the Baudelaires were with Olaf. No fear anymore, just sheer annoyance. I’m so glad they kept that.

- They really were about to push Olaf off of the boat, huh? GOOD, I would’ve sued if they had messed that up.

- THE ISLAND IS SO FRICKIN BEAUTIFUL AAAAAAAAAAAA

- Friday is so cute aaaaaa I’m love her!!!

- Ishmael is just oPENLY WALKING???????

- That mysterious statue? Heh. Nice reference to ATWQ there sggffghh

- Olaf was really about to go haywire and start shooting everyone, huh? That sure is an Olaf thing to do.

- Olaf’s sudden realization about who Ishmael is was actually so scary, he looked genuinely terrified.

- No healing clay? No magic weather predicting?? Oh well, we still got raw fish!!

- Awwww, no scenes where the Baudelaires are just helping out on the island and being peaceful :((

- Klaus’s Beautiful Jokes TM were removed :((((

- The island is very much a cult

- Man, the Baudelaires are ROCKING those robes.

- And they’re also rocking the boat, if you get what I’m saying ;))

- Of course you do, I’ll just shut up now.

- Speaking of robes, I love the redesign with the pinkish colour!!! Looks like a sunset!!! So pretty!!!

- Olaf sitting all trapped in the birdcage is actually hilarious

- The screaming match of “Let me out first!” “Tell us first!” was literally so great agafsffh

- The Baudelaires just up and leaving, you GO guys!!

- The pathetic “can I at least have a blanket?” added 10 years to my life. Not quite enough years to regain all of the years Netflix stole from me, but ya know. Close enough.

- The tree house looks so cool!!! I want to live there!!!

- Ishmael literally just went and said “drink the cordial” as if this place wasn’t cultish enough.

- KITKITKITKITKIT KIT KIT KITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

- THE BOOK RAFT!!!!!!!!

- WAIT. THE SUGAR BOWL. CONTAINED SUGAR. THIS WHOLE. FRICKIN. TIME.

- And since Daniel Handler’s an executive producer on the show, this means it’s canon...

- Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad!!!!!!! Not at all!!!! I’m frickin ECSTATIC!!!!!!!! We actually now KNOW WHAT’S IN THE SUGAR BOWL THIS IS HUGE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- I knew Olaf’s Kit outfit was horrendous, but HOLY CRAP does it look AWFUL!!! Netflix, you really outdid yourselves!

- Ishmael really just went haywire and shot Olaf, didn’t he?

- Well, uh, there goes the deadly fungus I guess.....oops...?

- The Baudelaires stumbling over to the tree whilst coughing their lungs out...

- The Baudelaires flipping through the book desperately, their breathing becoming more and more laboured....

- The Baudelaires standing up after finding the answer....before just collapsing on the ground.....

- The Baudelaires’ voices becoming more and more raspy and quiet, the coughs becoming louder, as they just lay on the floor, saying “this isn’t it, this isn’t it”...but physically incapable of getting up, only able to turn themselves so they’re facing upwards, their breathing becoming slower and slower and slower.......

- Right before Inky comes in and produces an apple. Giving it to Sunny, who in turn gives it to Violet. Violet’s hands are trembling and she can barely bring it to her mouth. She turns to give it to Klaus. Klaus is already almost unconscious, his eyes are closed and he’s barely breathing. Barely moving. Violet presses the apple to his mouth. Klaus manages to bite, gripping Violet’s hand desperately in the process, but barely having the strength to.

- They all sit up. Alive and well. There are tears in their eyes as the laugh and hug each other. All alive. All breathing.

- Netflix pulled off that scene so well. I was literally sobbing my eyes out at that point. I’m still crying just thinking about it. That scene held so much raw emotion that my eyes burned. I was SO EXTREMELY NERVOUS that Netflix would ruin it. But they didn’t. They did everything right. THANK YOU SO MUCH NETFLIX!!!!!!!

- Heh uh....sorry for getting so dramatic there....I just have a lot of feelings.....

- KIT REFUSING TO TAKE THE APPLE NOOOOOO

- I knew it was coming. In fact, I was hoping it would happen, because it adds that extra layer of emotion. But my heart still stopped and I felt a strong feeling I cannot describe when I saw Olaf’s bleeding torso with a harpoon sticking out.

- Olaf’s tone change when Kit is mentioned though.

- That scene with Olaf carrying Kit through the water was so dramatic I’m love

- Olaf and Kit kissing and then Sunny immediately going “Yuck” added about, I’d say 7, maybe 8, years to my lifespan. Sunny, you queen.

- Olaf and Kit talking to each other. Reciting poetry. Laying on the beach side by side. Both of them gasping for air. I don’t know how to describe how I felt, it was an ethereal experience. It was not joy, though.

- Olaf’s death. His death shouldn’t make me sad. It shouldn’t make me cry. I feel no mercy for him. But still. It always makes me cry. It never fails. And the show made me cry too. Thank you Netflix, for confusing me emotionally (which is what the book did too so thank you for keeping that)

- Kit’s message before her death had me sobbing. There’s so much emotion in that scene. As Kit doubles over coughing. As Klaus holds on to Bea. As all 3 children are crying. And the cherry on frickin top is when Kit falls still, and the shot cuts to a silhouette of them as Violet cries out “Kit? Kit?!?”, her voice becoming increasingly distressed. So much raw emotion....they really pulled it off.....

- Now, onto a different note: BEATRICE’S FIRST BIRTHDAY, YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!

- I WAS SO HAPPY SEEING THE BAUDELAIRES ACTUALLY BE A HAPPY FAMILY AAAAAAAAAA MY HEART WAS ACTUALLY LEAPING AND MY CHEEKS WERE (AND STILL ARE) WARM!!!!!!!

- Also we finally got to see Bertrand!!!

- The Baudelaires sailing off at the end on the Beatrice, all of them smiling and sitting close together like a family. Netflix really just went and made my whole month, didn’t they???

- FERNALD AND FIONA!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY MEET UP WITH WIDDERSHINS AGAIN!!!!!! AND THEY’RE EATING CHEF’S SALAD!!!!!!! AAAAAAAA I’M LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!

- Olaf’s past associates being all successful as actors really made my heart swell dang...

- And they were all REALLY rocking those outfits!!

- Just like how Inky came and rocked that outrigger, am I right? ;)))

- Ok, I’ll actually stop now...

- Lemony’s face when he realized the note was from Beatrice aaaaaaaaa!!!

- LEMONY AND BEA!!!!! LEMONY AND BEA!!!!!!!!!! THEY’RE SITTING IN THE TEA PLACE AND HAVNG A NICE OL CHAT I’M SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAYS, I suppose that wraps up all of my reviews!! I can’t believe it’s.....over........no that can’t be right. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT’S RIGHT!!!!!! Anywayyyyyyyyy, I’M SO HAPPY WITH HOW THIS TURNED OUT!!!!!! I was SO scared they were gonna ruin it, but they DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sure, I would’ve liked to see some things different, like I really wanted to see some flashbacks with the Baudelaires and Beatrice and/or Bertrand while they were still alive, but this is still AMAZING!!!!!! This has been the most emotional season yet!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH NETFLIX!!!! I literally cannot convey the amount of emotion and love pouring out of my system right now, so take this screaming and rambling to answer that! Anyways, as always, thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a good day/night!!!! <333

(I feel so empty now......)

[machspeak]

CLONE HIGH STARTERS.

“Remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.” 

“ Ah yeah, but I'm kinda giving my son's eulogy right now.”

“Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.”

“Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!”

“Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?”

“Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone?

 “All right, sorry. I like cotton candy.”

“Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel.”

“So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.”

“ Well, that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump in my parents' bed?”

“Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal!”

“I bet these aren’t even real crab, are they!”

“I stand corrected.”

“ Look, we kissed. And I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it, but we're going to be together forever.”

“ Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in, like, forever!”

“Go away, Sigmund Freud.”

“You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... with my pants!”

“Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an S, ends with an S, and has a "lut" inside. A "lut" of me!”

“Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!”

“I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings...”

“ Your friend should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said your friend.”

“ All celebrities are completely hairless. They put the eyebrows on during editing to make sure the actors make the right facial expressions.”

“ Getting into a new show can be a little uncomfortable, but once you get into the rhythm of it you'll be on your knees begging for more.”

“When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons. “

“ Hey, take a hit, relax! God's message can be a total trip. But ya know you gotta do what he tells you eh, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.”

“ Am I... dying?”

“ That is a good question, scary androgynous white guy, and I would like to reply by taking my shirt off.”

“ Hey, check out this extra flappy skin on my elbow. What is that?”

" Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one's not you, [NAME 1]; it's [NAME 2]. 

 “ For my rebuttal, I would like to dramatically gesture to this death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.”

“Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.”

“I’m a number four!”

“ "Now Mario's dead... I'm killing everyone! Oh, why couldn't [ NAME ] have had three lives like Mario?" “

“I said piss... glue! I’m so mad I could piss glue!”

“I thought you were dead. I shot you for biting me so much.”

“Oh my God. He was genetically engineered with a zipper! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.“”

STAMOS! DAMN HIM AND HIS JET-BLACK HAIR AND AWARD-WINNING SMILE!

Oh, I'm a failure! A failure! I'm so disorganized! 

I start to dial, but I never call anyone back!

“You should see my car! It's a mess. I'm a mess! I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home,every time! All I want is a free sandwich.”

“STAMOS!!”

“I... can taste... the sun! [Laughs wildly]”

“Oh this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!”

“What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex. I don't know what it is, but man.”

“ Well, uh, thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious, huh. I'll call you.”

“He’s dead! I just got in a coffin with a dead body!”

“ Welcome aboard. Your death row name is... Silky Butterfly.”

“ Ba, ba ba ba, who's got the legs? Me, that's who, me! “

“ Oooh, yeah... if you could just do it now? Your son will still be dead when you come back.”

“ She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I admire her commitment to community service.”

“ Fellow Americans, as we weave the fabric of our nation back together, I say to you: try the churros.”

“ Ponce de León was my best friend. He left me these pants. They're Ponce's pants... Ponce's pants.”

“ The moon is chasing me. Everywhere I go, there he is! Knock it off, moon! I'm comin' up there! “

“ Behold! The soothing power of this enchanted sweater vest! BEHOLD IT !”

“ My film is really coming along. I'm doing an autobiography called The Best of the Best of the Best of the Best of the Best.”

“ Hello, revelers! I am Captain Lavender, and this is my common-law wife, Rain Melon. “

“ I was into everything. Weed, grass, ganja, reefer, marijuana, mary-jane. I did it all. I even smoked pot once!”

“ As my clone father once so eloquently said: "Fervently, we do prawn." Prawn? No, that can't be right. Something about a scourge?”

“ Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president.”

“ Think of it as an opportunity for building community. Hey, community! Skinny dipping in the piranha moat! Yowww! Everybody get naked! “

“ How do you like that Berry Blast? And by Berry Blast I mean a blast to your berries! Ehahaha! Pun thief! “

“ Well maybe everything's changed, only you haven't changed, so you're the one who's changed, because it's all relative!”

“ He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater, but he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy EATING BABIES. “

“Our son would never do drugs. In an unrelated story, he's been missing for four days.”

“I can stay UP all night LONG. I, ah, accentuated the UP, and also the, ah, LONG, for what I hope are, ah, obvious reasons.”

[doug-eiffel-deserves-better]

a heckin list of my thoughts from throughout that episode

i am thoroughly dead

the intro music has barely started and im already almost in tears

OH ANOTHER HERA NARRATION AHH

wait no no this isn’t Hera tHIS ISN’T HERA??? HECK

i am s c r e a m i n g i am S C R E A M I N G IT’S ALMOST T I M E

the last time i’m ever gonna hear that intro for a new episode AHH

TELL US THE EVIL PLAN

wow eiffel, a man after my own speaking capabilities

“KEPLER WHY ARE YOU ON MY SHIP” Y E AH

“welll.... that seemed heealllthyyyyy” that’s a Mood

that sounds like me when i turn the garbage disposal on instead of the light

omw omw omw WHAT IS THIS AAAAHHHHH IM GONNA CRY HERA AND EIFFEL MEETING AHHH

THEY’RE SO CUTE IM DYING

my boy Jacobi standing up for himself i’m SO PROUD

I love hearing Eiffel and Lovelace together SO MUCH

PROUD OF MY SON DOUGLAS EIFFEL

P R O U D OF MY S O N

“do let it hit you on the way out” GOT ‘EM

MINKOWSKI IS MY MOM AND I’M VERY VERY VERY SCARED THAT SHE’S GOING TO DIE

“I’m starting to think that these guys are my kind of stupid” I’M IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS

“Have fun storming the castle” asdhgfj

“You’re allowed to make mistakes, as long as, at some point, you admit that they’re mistakes” BAM THERE IT IS FOLKS

“we’re going to crush them” I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG

JACOBI AND MAXWELL JACOBI AND MAXWELL IM SCREAMING IM SCREAMING IM SCREAMING THIS MUSIC IS BEAUTIFUL

t h e w h i s k e y s p e e c h

“No matter what happens, I’ve got your back” i m

WHAT OTHER LITTLE DETAIL

O H    N O O O O O NOT OKAY NOT OKAY NOT OKAY HOW DARE YOU DO THAT THAT IS R U D E

what is it what i S OH OH OH OH OH NOW I’M CRYING I’M I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE

THEY’RE QUOTING LES MIS TOGETHER I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT FOR YEARS

no no no oh no NO MINKOWSKI HOW COULD YOU NO MINKOWSKI NO NO NO NONONONONONONONONONONONONOONONONO OH MY G O S H

I CAN’T BELIEVE HE GOT LAUNCHED INTO SPACE AGAINST HIS VOLITION A G A I N

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I AM SO SICK OF THIS H A P P E N I NG” me too eiffel ME HECKIN TOO

“you could’ve given us a chance to say goodbye” STAB ME INSTEAD PLEASE??? THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL ???

I love Minkowski i’m dying MINKOWSKI AND HERA A4KLVEFHIUDJSNJH

Alan Rodi has personally victimized me with this soundtrack i swear to GOSH

“Something about a harpoon” THE HARPOON REMAINS TIL THE VERY END

is he really gonna hE IS HE IS REALLY GONNA

~SURPRISE~ HOLY FRICK HOLY FRICK WHAT THE HECK O H HE’S S A FE FALSE A L A R M HE’S O K A Y

“we are gonna partyyyy allll night l o n g” IM DECEASED

“I am never going to be rid of you, am I” look i LIVE FOR THESE SNIPPETS

DOUG YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN D O IT

“and that’s why you’re here” NO NO NO STOP MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THAT ATTITUDE

oh no

no stop this i’m crying again HOW DARE YOU PULL THIS ON ME

“right now the only person saying that is you” I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING

HE DID IT HE DID IT HE DID IT I’M SO PROUD OF HIM I’M SO HECKING PROUD OF DOUGLAS EIFFEL

the starboard engine has completely stopped HECK YES H E C K YES

oh holy heck HECK DANG

CUTTER YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST THING I’VE EVER ENCOUNTERED

“Bob” dfbhkjnlm

uuummmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM C E A S E   T H I S

WHY DO THEY WANT HUMAN DUPLICATES W H Y

oh

o h h h h h?????

IM SCREAMING THEY NEED EIFFEL SJDHBFKNG AHAHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET REKT CUTTER

oh wait no. no no. but Eiffel is coming back EIFFEL OH NO STAY AWAY ASFGDVHFJG ARRRRRGHHHHHHH

this is a request for Gabriel Urbina to come all the way to my house and literally fight me please and thank you

HE’S NOT SLOWING DOWN???? HE’S NOT SLOWING DOWN MY BRILLIANT BOY

I am ??¿¿¿??¿?? IN LOVE

Eiffel!!!! My son has hurt himself!!! someone help him

“With my life darlin” I’VE MISSED THEM S O MUCH

minkowski please you might save the world but you’ll break my heart

LET’S GO GET OUR IDIOT BACK

oh no Jacobi is not doing well

He’s gonna die isn’t he mY BOY IS GONNA DIE

HE KILLED B O B ????? HE KILLED B O B idc if he can come back that is VERY RUDE

Kepler hesitated HE HESITATED CMON MAN DON’T LET ME DOWN

he’s so happy with himself HE’S SO CONFIDENT AND H I M S E L F I’M SO AMAZINGLY PROUD

she’s going uhh... i n ?

SO MANY MEMORIA PARALLELS THERE ARE SO MANY PARALLELS BETWEEN EIFFEL AND HERA AND I’M SCREAMING

WTC NO WHAT IS SHE DOING THIS IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE IT

IF DOUG EIFFEL LOSES HIS MEMORIES I WILL

OH

MY

GOSH

OH MY GOS H

H E R A

“YOU MAY WANT TO HANG ONTO SOMETHING, THIS IS GOING TO GET COMPLICATED” IT’S MEMORIA I LOVE THESE WRITERS

“Do you really think we’re not going to shoot you?”

HOW DID HE CATCH A BULLET I HATE THIS AND I HATE HIM

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES JACOBI MY BOY LIGHT OF MY LIFE Y E S

but what does she l o o k like? no wait not important

OH

SHE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE HER GOOD I’M SCREAMING I LOVE HER

~not today, satan~~~

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP WHAT DID SHE TAKE

fhjgknhnb the star wars prequels im d y i n g

YEAH YEAH MY BABY GIRL YOU CAN D O THIS

SHE! CAN DO! A N Y T H I N G!

i just remembered this is Michaela Swee having a conversation with herself

“there he goes” n y o o o o o o o o m there he go

p r o b a b l y   n o t ? u m m m m m

YES OH MY GOSH OH MY FR I C K I NG GOSH YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES HE SHOT HER HE SHOT HER HE SHOT HER HE’S A GOOD GUY HE’S A GOOD GUY FINALLY I CAN ACCEPT HIM WITH MY FULL HEART AND LOVE HIM

I AM STILL A    P E R S O N  

oh no nOOOOOOOOOOOO WHHAAAATTTTTT AREEE YOU DOINNNGGGGG STOP STOP STOP

he had the bottle on him

the whole time

I WAS ABLE TO LOVE AND ACCEPT WARREN KEPLER FOR A FULL THIRTY SECONDS OF MY LIFE AND THAT WAS MORE THAN I ACTUALLY EXPECTED BUT NOW HE’S GONE AND IDK HOW TO FEEL

what is happening. please explain to me what is happening. i cannot comprehend and i have never hated anything more than i hate cutter

OH MY GOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHH NO NON ONONONONNO

sarcastic and bitter to the end and oH MY WORD I CAN’T. I CAN’T ACTUALLY. BELIEVE. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN BUT.

Cutter what the f r ic  k I hate you i hate you

"You’re crazy” NO D U H

SHE CAN’T BE DEAD SHE CAN’T BE DEAD SHE CAN’T BE DEAD SHE CAN’T BE DEAD SHE I S N ‘T DEAD R I G H T

HERA BABY IT’S OKAY IT’S OKAY

NO IT’S NOT IT’S NOT IT’S NOT MY BOY IS LOSING HIS MEMORIES

OH FRICK OH F R I CK IN G  H E C K STOP PLEASE STOP PLEASE

SHE’S NOT DEAD IT’S OKAY SHE’S NOT DEAD

FIGHT IT FIGHT IT FIGHT IT FIGHT IT

THE HARPOON

T H E    H A R P O O N

T    H    E      H     A     R    P     O    O    N

AHHHHHHH

I CAN’T BELIEVE AFTER ALL THIS TIME THEY’RE LIKE. PHYSICALLY TOGETHER?? HERA AND EIFFEL ARE ABLE TO PHYSICALLY BE TOGETHER??????? I AM DYING INSIDE???? AND LIVING???

“I’m just going to clip your wings a little” I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD

“BYE BYE AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH” AHHH AHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHH OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOOOOONONONONONO

I CANT BELIEVE HES DOING THIS I CANT??? BELIEVE??????

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH

i’m never leaving my room ever again

star wars

JACOBI MADE IT WTC IM ABSJDHFNKG

I WANT TO KICK HIM

im sitting in bed sobbing and that’s okay!!!! that’s fine it’s fine!!!!! no it’s not fine!!!

oh my gosh hera and pryce

he did all that just to win a b e t of COURSE he did

she hasn’t glitched since she had the conversation

my kids. my space kids are going home. they’re done. the show is over.

the show is over

the show is over

i’m going to cry for a few days now. hope you’re all as emotionally traumatized as i was. it’s been a fun ride.

[iamcarriesoom]

Planes, Tanks and Automobiles

Fast & Furious 6 opens with Dom and Brian racing along some absurdly beautiful coast and looking very mad at each other. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT, YOU GUYS. YOU CAN’T HIDE THE BROMANCE. They’re actually racing to get to the birth of Brian’s baby. (Where were they coming from? Why wouldn’t Brian stay home with Mia when she’s so close to giving birth? He’s a criminal millionaire, it’s not like he had a day job to get to.)

This movie has opening credits like it’s a TV show- like a nine minute super-cut of the best clips from all the previous movies. I’m on board.

I still don’t understand the bond between Dom and Elsa Pataky (or just her character in general. What’s her deal?) It’s gonna be awkward when Letty inevitably comes back.

Hobbs is somewhere, talking to…some suspect. We’re supposed to think it’s Dom, but then he walks around to see him from the front and surprise! It’s not Dom. You couldn’t fool me, movie. As if Dom would run off so soon after the birth of his nephew. Don’t you think we know how important family is to him? He starts beating the shit out of this guy, and someone watching is like “Is this legal?” Hobbs’ partner (whose name I only knew after I looked it up on IMDb, so I’ll call her Angel Dust because that’s her character in Deadpool) is like “nope.” It’s bordering on a little too self aware, but I laughed.

Hobbs comes to see Dom for help, and Dom is like “nah you can’t make me,” but Hobbs gives him the new pictures of Letty. Extremely chill Elsa Pataky is like “babe you should go, it’s fine, I get that I’m your second choice and honestly, likewise.” I’m pumped already, I love a good “criminal with a heart of gold helping to catch the TRUE bad guys” story (Catch Me If You Can, White Collar, etc etc.)

Dom is like “Brian, you should stay, you literally just had a very cute baby moments ago with my sister.” Mia is like “No, you’re stronger together. You always were.” Except all the times they worked as a team and people died, but sure OK. Hobbs is like “I know you guys are a family.” No shit, Hobbs.

I am again surprised that Wonder Woman is in this movie, even though I like and am committed to her character now. I just feel like I should have known? She and Han get a call to meet up. Tyrese turns his private jet around to come join the team. Luda showers some pals with money from an ATM and heads off to meet everyone.  They’re like the Avengers, and Hobbs is…Nick Fast&Fury? Is that a thing that works?

They’re trying to catch some extreme bad guy played by Gaston. In true Fast & Furious fashion, all character motivations are laid out very quickly and quietly with very little detail. He’s assembling the pieces to create some kind of device to black out communication “for a whole country” (any size country??) for a day, so he can sell it to somebody, probably. I don’t fully know what law enforcement agency Hobbs works for, but somehow he only has one partner and this band of thieves to work with to find the world’s foremost super-criminal. They all negotiate “wipe our records” deals, which seems silly at this point because you know they’re just going to dirty them right back up again.

They wire up Fake Vin Diesel and send him in to see Gaston so they can catch him. As if it’s gonna be that easy. While they’re watching that go down, Interpol gets robbed, but Gaston basically traps all the cops in the city underground (are they all dead now?? Is this the scene in the franchise with the most fatalities?) and we get the first car chase of the movie, because apparently the gang are now in charge of investigating security breaches at Interpol.

Gaston has this insane low-slung racecar with a little scooper on the front so any car that hits him goes flying. It’s a true evil genius contraption. Cars are flipping left and right. Do cars actually flip that easily? Also, I feel like flipping cars would result in more injuries. More of these people should be dead or at least concussed.

Dom takes off after Letty and after cornering her, they both get out of their cars for their grand reunion. Except Letty shoots him in the shoulder and takes off. Yikes!

Gaston pulls out files on all the good-bad guys, and they find a picture of Letty sitting on Dom’s lap. She just says “That’s the guy I shot.” Letty in this movie is like Peeta in the last Hunger Games. She apparently lost her memory in the car crash that everyone assumed killed her.

They need some cars for their plan, so Hobbs and Luda go on a cute lil man date to a fancy car auction. Hobbs is like “You aren’t thinking about stealing these cars, are you?” Dude this is what you get for hiring car thieves. Some snooty guy comes up to them with some racist nonsense so Luda buys all the cars and also makes him give them his clothes.

Wonder Woman and Angel Dust go try to flirt some info out of a mechanic but he pocket-dials Gaston so he can send some goons. Han and Tyrese can see the goons approaching, but don’t do anything to help, stop them, or warn Wonder Woman and Angel Dust. There are a bunch of fight scenes, which I find kind of boring (these movies aren’t called The FIST and the Furious) but no one dies and they steal some insane harpoon contraption from the mechanic.

They realize that Gaston is working with Braga, the bad guy from Fast & Fourious/Wonder Woman’s old boss, so Brian decides to sneak back into the country with the help of that guy whose face he smashed into a wall a few movies ago.

Paul Walker and his they-must-be-color-corrected insane blue eyes get moved near Braga and he almost gets knifed to death a bunch. Braga tells him that he’ll only get near Gaston if Gaston wants him to, which isn’t really all that helpful. Also we learn that he found out about Letty’s memory loss and passed her along to Gaston.

Meanwhile, Dom gives himself a random night off and heads to Rita Ora’s street race, where he races Letty through a lot of traffic. Is no one racing on closed streets anymore?? He looks at her car and says “You never could resist American muscle,” which, nice. Smooth. I like it.

They chat in an empty parking lot and he reminisces about all their good times and she’s like “sure if you say so, stranger.” Question: if she has no memory, why is her name still Letty?

Gaston shows up and they quip back and forth for a while instead of just shooting each other. Dom almost get snipered but since Hobbs was there they were equally gunned and both backed down. Frankly I think Hobbs should’ve just shot Gaston while he had the chance.

Hobbs figured out where Gaston’s hideout is, so he’s like “Let’s go nail that son of a bitch” and he and Angel Dust barge in. THAT’S YOUR PLAN? TWO PEOPLE TO CATCH THIS NOTORIOUSLY SLIPPERY, DANGEROUS INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL????

Hobbs calls Luda, which is unremarkable except for the fact that his phone says “Samoan Thor,” and I laaaaughed and laaaughed.

Because he’s some sort of magical one-man TARU, Luda deduces that they’re going to steal “the component” (this is what they call it, I don’t know what it is) from an army base in Spain.

They move the component in a convoy to some secret new location, but Gaston and his crew attack the convoy and hijack a freaking tank! (Side note, the convoy is being escorted by 2 giant Jeep-y things, but they’re very easily taken down by bullets. Why wouldn’t you have this super valuable component escorted by some sort of armored vehicle? It was previously housed on an army base!

This tank just starts rolling over all the other cars on the highway, but somehow when the gang races in with their speedy speed cars they’re all going about the same speed. How fast can this tank go?? (I googled it and it said “up to 45 miles per hour on roads,” and “Some tanks have even gone as fast as 60 to 70 miles per hour for short periods of time” so I call shenanigans on this.)

I appreciate that the family is trying to draw attention from all the civilian cars because it seems like that tank is going out of its way to run directly over random cars (which, again, I think could easily outrun the tank except for when it crossed over and started going against the flow of traffic.) A LOT of people died in this scene.

They lasso the tank’s gun and us a car as an anchor, and Gaston sends Letty out during this high-speed tank chase to fix it. Except at that second the tank lurches, Letty goes flying, so Dom launches himself across a highway overpass to grab her and smash through a car hood. I think I yelled “WHAT?” out loud.

Han and Wonder Woman make such a cute team, but I know something has to happen to her since she’s not in Tokyo Drift, and it makes me sad in advance.

They capture Gaston and his few remaining goons, Letty defects to the good side, and they all head back to the army base. It’s extremely clear from the ominous music that this movie is not over.

Brian talks to Letty and apologizes for her amnesia, which he blames himself for.  She’s like “I’m sure you didn’t make me, we cool.” According to imdb THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THEIR CHARACTERS EVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE FRANCHISE.

Gaston says he kidnapped Mia and she’s dead unless he gets to waltz out of there with the chip he stole from the tank. Brian and Dom freak out and the reasonable army guy is like “That sucks but too effing bad, we’re not gonna let a super-criminal go just for this.” Hobbs, the coolest/worst government agent ever, is totally fine with letting Gaston walk but also the family doesn’t get their records cleaned anymore. Obviously they’re like “family first.”

Gaston leaves but first turns to Letty and is like “Hey babe you coming?” Angel Dust is like “Hell yeah you bet.” OH SHIT! I briefly suspected she was a double agent like an hour ago but I forgot about it because frankly she’s not that interesting. I guess I was right all along.

They immediately start another chase scene while Ludacris starts trying to block the cell signals so Gaston can’t put in a call to have Mia killed. Ludacris joined this series as a street race facilitator; I’m not really sure why he’s a hacker now? They’re all like “Where tf does Gaston even think he’s going?” but then a giant plane appears overhead and drops a ramp for them to drive up.

On the plane we’ve got Gaston, Angel Dust, and Enormous Tattooed Goon fighting Dom, Brian, Letty and at some point, Hobbs.

Mia is also there, but she’s a lover not a fighter. I find it comical that Gaston is supposed to be an even match for Dom.

The rest of the team is in cars chasing the plane, also fighting some goons. They harpoon the plane a few times but the lines are anchored to the cars so eventually the plane starts lifting the cars off the ground as it tries to take off. Finally, the moment I’ve been dreading arrived. Wonder Woman falls off a car (heroically and on purpose to shoot the goon who’s about to attack Han) and presumably dies. RIP Wonder Woman.

The plane is eventually disabled by all the harpoons and gunshots, and it bursts into flame/explodes. Letty and Hobbs had made it off the plane, and Dom had somehow ejected Gaston who is presumed dead. Everyone is worried Dom is dead but he emerges from the rubble shockingly unscathed. Mia looks at Han and asks “Where’s Giselle?” which is apparently Wonder Woman’s name. Hugs and tears all around.

Dom hands the stolen chip, which he’d recovered from the plane, back to Hobbs and says all he wants is to go home. The family has a nice chill barbecue at the house. Hobbs shows up and makes fun of Tyrese’s forehead, which is weird since most of them are bald and Tyrese doesn’t even have a big forehead.

Hobbs and Dom talk about something but to be honest I wasn’t paying attention because I was just looking at the weird perspective of these shots. Why do these shots look so weird? Why is The Rock’s head so big?

Elsa Pataky, who is back to being a cop again, comes in to say goodbye and Dom is like “You don’t have to go.” I honestly thought he was gonna pitch the idea of a threesome (which, frankly, I kind of think would make sense in this weird family dynamic. A polyamorous alpha trio?) She and Letty high five over having the same boyfriend. The end.

Epilogue: That scene from Tokyo Drift where Han dies. Except after the crash, Jason Statham throws Dom’s cross necklace on the ground and calls him on the phone as he walks away from the rubble.

I’d been really torn on whether to watch Tokyo Drift 3rd or 6th (aka release order vs chronologically.) I had friends arguing for both and I see the merit in both sides, but I watched in release order. The downside was that when Han died, I didn’t really know or care about him, and when I DID get to know him I knew he was doomed the whole time. However, if I’d watched Tokyo Drift 6th and seen that mid-credits scene, I’d already know he dies in the next movie (and on a smaller level, it spoils that insane shot where they drift around the corner and the crowd scatters like ants.) I’ve settled on, for first viewings, watching them in release order makes sense. For any subsequent viewings, chronological is probably better.

Previously:

Vol 5: 5ast 5ive

Vol 4: Fast & Fourious

Vol 3: What’s even the point of driftng?

Vol 2: 2 Furious 2 Quit

Vol 1: The Fast & the Curious

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x12 “Stuck In The Middle (With You)”

well THIS is some delightfully interesting bullshit right here

06:43

frankly i am not ready and i don’t think i will ever be ready

i saw some shit on instagram and i went from being “scared but interested” to HYPED and now i’m scared again

i just want cas to come out of this okay

like that’s what i’m here for, just cas being alive and loved (by dean. but also sam and mary)

-

06:48

*DEEP BREATHS*

-

06:50

mr ketch is definitely cute, in a murderous stephen fry kind of way

-

06:52

cas: “cheese isn’t a carbohydrate”

i guess cas read up on the ketchup vs vegetables debate

give me a nutritionist!cas au stat

-

06:54

cas: “sunrise special please”

CAS IS SUNSHINE

also flustered under mandy’s attention BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND

RIGHT

RIGHT???

-

06:55

guess sam’s magic wifi hair doesn’t work any more

-

06:56

what i have learned here is that dean is turned on by the smell of food

give me cas bathing himself in strawberry syrup before bed

-

06:57

obviously there’s something else going on but right now it kind of looks like mary’s uncomfortable with either a) using mandy as part of a plan, or b) dean instructing his boyfriend to go flirt with someone else

edit: probably more like uncomfortable that they’re trying to make cas flirt and not focusing on the issue at hand

-

06:59

CAS SNIFFING PEOPLE

OH GOD CAS YOU’RE SO INAPPROPRIATE AND SO UNAWARE OF IT

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

sidenote, cas was the only one who didn’t get screentime when mary asked if everyone understood the plan

-

07:01

DEAN: “MY SHY BUT DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME FRIEND”

OKAY THAT’S CANON

GUYS THAT JUST HAPPENED DEAN JUST DESCRIBED CAS AS DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME

CONTEXT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF DEAN’S MOUTH

-

07:03

dean: “when do you get off?”

mandy: “whenever i can”

woooowwwww go mandy

also i’m so concerned for cas right now DID HE CONSENT TO BEING USED AS A HONEY TRAP I DON’T THINK SO

HE HASN’T SAID A WORD ON THIS

edit: mandy wasn’t even part of the plan ?? i’m ????

-

07:05

DID I JUST SEE A BLACK GUY DIE FIRST

///SQUINTS REALLY HARD

-

07:06

and then a white guy BUT THEN THE (asian? native american?) LADY

AAAND WE’RE BACK TO ZERO REPRESENTATION

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

ARE THEY ACTUALLY KIDDING LIKE

DO THEY EVEN SEE THE ISSUE

DOES ANYONE MAKING THIS SHOW EVEN REALISE WHAT THEY’RE DOING

fuck 

y’know i’m just gonna have to let this go right now because i can’t even comprehend how ferociously problematic this show is

i just wanna enjoy it for my fave characters and i can’t do that unless i bundle the problems into a box and forget about them for now

-

07:09

still thinking about it though

this is trump’s america, where problematic bad things happen so often and with zero time to process that you just get to the point where it’s like “oh great another social apocalypse, must be thursday”

-

07:12

“the wounded angel” // “earlier”

i feel like i’ve watched a movie like this (certainly a lot of tv show episodes clearly all based on the same source material)

pulp fiction or something idk

something bizarre and character-action-driven that doesn’t make a lot of sense until the end

-

07:14

AW MAN THAT SLOW MOTION WALKING SHOT IS GONNA MAKE A REALLY GOOD GIF

THANK YOU GABRIEL RICHARD SPEIGHT JR

-

07:20

IS THAT YELLOW EYES

WHAT

WHAT WHAT WHAT

-

07:21

nOOOOOO CAS 

NOBODY HARPOONS MY BABY AND LIVES

except dean, who stabbed him first, married him later

-

07:21

YYYEEEEEEE MARY SAVING CAS WITH THE CAR

-

07:23

and while mary and sam are talking about yellow-eyes, dean is smothering cas in kisses and magic healing tears, yes? yes

-

07:26

WOW WAS THAT FLIRTY LOOK DEAN GAVE DIRECTED AT CAS

I THINK SO

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE THO

-

07:26

i watched that bit again I THINK DEAN WAS SIGNALLING TO CAS THAT MANDY’S RESPONSE WAS A POSITIVE THING

aaaah the people who subtly and automatically support autistic friends are the best

also why is dean so determined to get cas to like other people?? CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT CAS IS ALL YOURS AND WILL FOREVER BE YOURS

-

07:30

is this glowing yellow thing from the safe gonna be a hand of god or whatever

-

07:32

the men of letters are labelled as “hobbits” in mary’s phone

-

07:34

crowley arrives. “you idiots. you’re all going to die.”

@ people who voted for trump

-

07:35

mary: “touch me and i’ll kill you”

things everyone ought to say to crowley (and trump)

-

07:35

CROWLEY CALLED CAS FEATHERS

(quietly laughing bc bobby called cas that in my fic Lucid Nightmare which i posted yesterday cough cough shameless plug go read it if you haven’t already)

-

07:39

“name’s crowley, king of the crossroads”

DJFJGF THE CUCKOO IN THE BACKGROUND

(ba dum tiss)

-

07:43

ramiel (sp?) gives crowley the throne of hell

OH HEY LOOK AT THAT they just filled in a narrative gap that’s been empty for years

-

07:47

crowley: “hey, i was growing fond of the choirboy too”

was that a lowkey “cas is gay” joke??

-

mmmm yes give me dean so concerned about cas his voice goes all breathy

-

07:52

“three humans with one good liver between them, and a busted up angel”

:/

that team free will season 12 aesthetic

-

07:53

WHEN WILL THE WINCHESTERS STOP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW

-

07:55

okay but cas grunting in pain is kind of sexy in a way god help me

my faves being sick and dying is okay so long as they pull through and someone Cares About Them a lot

-

07:57

“the things we’ve shared together, they’ve changed me”

cas looks at dean when he says “they’ve changed me”

;a;

-

07:58

“i love you”

i cry

i CRY

CAS

and THE FACT THE REACTION SHOT IS ONLY DEAN

WOW

thanks richard speight jr that decision was an a++ decision

-

the slow zoom in on dean

i’m sweating

and shaking

help

-

08:00

............i just realised i’m watching this under the assumption that cas is getting out of this alive

DEAR GOD IF HE DOESN’T MAKE IT

OH NO

OH NO WHAT IF HE DOESN’T

IS THIS GOOD STORYWRITING AND DIRECTING MAKING ME WORRY OR IS THERE ACTUALLY A DANGER THAT HE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT

SHIT I SHOULD’VE CHECKED TUMBLR FIRST

NOW I DON’T WANT TO

HE’D BETTER FUCKING MAKE IT

MY HEART IS POUNDING I’M SO SCARED

-

08:10

THERE’S 10 MINUTES OF THE EPISODE LEFT, THAT’S ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE HIM RIGHT

-

08:03

“LIKE YOU SAID, YOU’RE FAMILY. AND WE DON’T LEAVE FAMILY BEHIND”

that look dean and cas share, cas’ eyes are wet

THAT WAS DEAN SAYING “I LOVE YOU TOO”

OH GOD

-

08:03

THEY ALL LOVE CAS SO MUCH THIS IS SO SATISFYING

SO MANY YEARS WE’VE ALL BEEN SO FRUSTRATED WITH HOW THEY TREAT CAS 

THIS IS GOOD

BUT HE’D BETTER NOT FREAKING DIE

-

08:09

black goop again

SOMEONE’S GONNA HELP CAS RIGHT

LIKE HE’S GONNA BE FINE RIGHT

PLEASE

PLEASE

-

08:10

C

R

O

W

L

E

Y

-

like i never thought i’d say this but

thank you crowley

thank you so, so much

oh 

god

i’m

dying

thank

-

08:11

I DEMAND THAT DEAN SMOTHERS CAS IN KISSES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

-

08:12

i just

i want dean to go up behind cas and softly press his cheek between cas’ shoulder blades and wrap his arms around cas’ waist and breathe in deeply

oh god i’m so relieved

i can’t imagine what dean’s feeling

soMEONE CUDDLE CAS OH GOD HE NEEDS SO MANY CUDDLES

-

08:14

OKAY BUT

I JUST REALISED

what the fuck was all the stuff with cas flirting with mandy about

dean saying he was looking for “teachable moments”

DEAN YOU CAN’T TEACH CAS TO LIKE GIRLS

HE LIKES YOU, YOU HOPELESS LITTLE SHIT

i guess maybe that was the point of this narrative, cas will always choose team free will, dean pretends cas isn’t in love but GODDAMN HE IS

edit: or maybe dean’s not actually trying to make cas interested, he’s legit just trying to teach cas how flirting works, and what a positive response is?? and mandy just happened to be there and flirty. i mean, sure, i’ll go with that. quick question though, why didn’t dean just flirt with cas himself, like in all the fanfics, that would be better

-

08:16

mr ketch is kinda crosseyed

cute

-

08:17

CAS IS ONE OF MARY’S BOYS

HALLELUJAH

-

08:18

mr ketch is so fluffy-haired and cute i don’t know what to do

i hate him

but he’s smol

idk idk idk

-

08:19

wait wait it’s the colt

where was the colt supposed to be

heck

-

08:19

(real life interrupts)

ooh there’s lightning outside!! eee

the power may go out at any moment though, that’s the downside

IT’S MEANT TO BE SUMMER and all we’ve had is rain

(okay back to the show)

-

08:21

is that pellegrino!lucifer, i recognise the voice

-

08:22

yes it is

WELL THEN

-

08:22

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY

where to start

that was.... a lot of stuff

firsTLY CAS MADE IT OUT ALIVE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND HE LOVES HIS FAMILY I’M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA (actually no you probably know exactly how happy i am. if you’re reading this, you probably agree)

BUT LIKE

WOW THIS SHOW NEEDS A SELF-REVIEW ON NOT KILLING CHARACTERS OF COLOUR

mandy made it out alive, and she had a name, a speaking part, and a character, so that’s +1 for everything

BUT... look i don’t think i even need to say it again, it’s a Problem

(my thoughts: here, and here)

i’ve never watched any other show with such a huge fucking issue with this

that aside, i think i just need to mostly ignore that specific problem until they fix it, because if i just focus on the bad shit i’m never gonna wanna watch the show again, and the characters are really important to me so i’ll come back anyway

LET’S FOCUS ON HOW INTERESTING THIS EPISODE WAS

and how well-formed and well-paced it was

AND HOW CAS DIDN’T FUCKING DIE HORRIBLY

and how i was actually legit terrified for a couple minutes

physically sweating with heart pounding

that was cool

9/10 probably

still confused about mandy and cas, that wasn’t necessary. same with dean and the lady in the bar last episode. as much as i’d love to see the “i love yous” in this episode as romantic between dean and cas, they clearly were only meant to be 50% romantic, interpreted whichever way the viewer prefers. so the showrunners are maybe adding in sidenote heterosexual elements that objectively mean nothing, but for those who like to see tfw as HetroStraight (TM), the info is just... there. but it’s not possible eradicate the bisexual/demi-asexual loVEFEST THAT’S BEEN BREWING FOR 9 YEARS THAT’S DEFINITELY THERE AND IS DEFINITELY ROMANTIC AND HAS BEEN ALL ALONG AND WILL ALWAYS BE, DESPITE SNEAKY HALF/HALF MAKE-UP-YOUR-OWN-MIND DIRECTING AND SCRIPTING

to be fair though, i’m learning a lot about how creators get the best of both worlds. this is the Bipartisan TV Show. this is the same way donald fucking trump and kellyanne fucking conway and all the other politics snake people manage to fuck everyone over and not answer questions. they present both sides of the argument, each “fact” contradicting the other, and the viewer picks the one they agree with, and explain away the other argument however they like.

which, admittedly, i’m currently doing when it comes to seeing romantic destiel as ever-present, because it’s the only way this show doesn’t make me lose my shit all the time

but I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU PRIME BULLSHITTERS, YOU

I SEE YOU

I’M NOT HAPPY BUT I’M GONNA KEEP TORTURING MYSELF REGARDLESS BECAUSE YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD AT THIS ~ENTERTAINMENT~ BULLSHIT

BUT I’M TAKING NOTES

[lionhart-w]

The Demon in the Bottle

Desmond woke up to a metallic rattling. He looked over and realized that Morgan was growing more and more frustrated because he couldn’t reach the formerly sleeping man. 

Ezekiel was nowhere to be seen. Desmond stood up and Morgan dropped down and bared his teeth to show anger. He filled a glass of water and drank it in one go. The cabin had gotten hot while Desmond was sleeping, though no ray of sunshine was to be seen. 

He found Ezekiel outside, splitting some logs with a hatchet.

“Hiya.”, said Ezekiel straightening his posture as Desmond approached. “Any nightmares?”

“No. I think locking Morgan up did the trick. Has… um…” He tried to remember for a moment. “Hester! Has Hester already been here?”

“No, not yet. She should be here by nightfall, though.”, Ezekiel split another log.

“What’s the wood for? It’s hardly parky.”

“It’s not for a fireplace. It’s for protection.”

“From what?”

“A Djinn.”

“Why would a Djinn attack us?”

“It won’t. You probably saw all the jars in the bedroom earlier. Well, I have one bound in a flagon and I need a Djinn’s liver for summonings. They are incredibly flammable so it won’t risk crossing the border of fire I will lay out.”

Desmond processed those words for a second. “Summon what?”

“Nothing specific… yet. Djinn livers are like salt for cooking - you need them for almost everything. I just need to stock up a bit.”

“How do we kill it?”

“We?”

“Sure.”

“Well, if you insist. You need an ax or”, he held up his hatchet. “something like that.”

—————————————-

It was late afternoon when Hester arrived. Desmond was sitting on a half-rotten bench outside, when he spotted her, emerging from the dense forest around them. She had chin-length, naturally blonde hair and couldn’t have been older than 21.

“Hiya! I’m Desmond.”

“Nice to meet you outside a kidnapping, Desmond. I’m Hester. Where’s Ezekiel?”

“Inside, I think.”

She went inside; Desmond followed her.

“About time, girlie.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I forgot. What’s new?”

“Someone vanished on Fonrica and people claim to have heard screams. Maybe some unknown demon?”

Ezekiel shrugged. She continued. “The Island Guard is still investigating the homicide at the store and the disappearance of Desmond Gardner. But good news: they think you’re a victim and not the killer.”

“Aren’t I?”

Hester gave Ezekiel a questioning look. He shrugged as if to say Well… yeah.

He wasn’t the killer and he had been abducted.

“What’s for dinner?”, asked Ezekiel, breaking an awkward silence that was growing between them.

“Roasted fish and Achini tubers.”

“Achi- what?”

“Achini tubers. A local specialty.”

“I’ve had some before.”, said Desmond. “Kinda taste like corn but in potato form.”

“Alright then. Do you guys want to set a table or just sit somewhere?”

“I don’t want to work right now”, said Hester.

“It’s alright. I can do it alone. So table?”

“Sure. The food’s already cold, so a few more minutes won’t do it much harm.”

Desmond helped Ezekiel retrieve a small wooden table from a tiny shed next to the big one. They set it up outside. There were some knives and forks in the kitchen.

“What’s the deal with Hester, by the way?”, Desmond asked.

“What do you mean?”, Ezekiel seemed a bit defensive.

“Well… how do you know her?”

“She is a local and I happen to know her from another visit here.”, he said tightly.

“I see.”, Desmond could sense information being withheld from him but didn’t ask farther.

The fish didn’t have much spice on it but the Achini tubers were good; soft and buttery.

Ezekiel retrieved an unmarked bottle from inside. “Gin?”

“No thanks. I’m trying to stay away from alcohol for a while now. Lost an entire evening a few days ago.”

Hester declined the offer as well.

“When will you deaden the Djinn?”, she asked.

“Maybe later tonight. Djinn are, according to 101 Evil Spirits and how to slay them, a bit fluorescent and I’d like to test that.”

“Will you need help?”

“I don’t think so. Desmond, here, said he’d help. Stick around, though, if you want.”

“Sure.”, she said. “Any plans for that incubus?”

“His name is Morgan, and no. None.”

Hester sighed. “Why would you give it a name? You’ll get attached.”

“I do not need to justify my actions to you.” Ezekiel sulked a little.

“Don’t you need an ax drenched in Demon blood to kill a Djinn? Why don’t you stick that hatchet of yours into the incubus?”

“First of all, I will not take out Morgan, second, this hatchet has seen enough demon blood to kill a dozen Djinns, and Djinns don’t require demon’s blood per se. It’s just an insurance if you miss the heart. The blood slowly kills ‘em - and that’s not good is it?” 

“When did you kill a demon with that?”

Ezekiel sniffed and seemed even sulkier than before. “Morgan had a brother. He jumped me when I entered the cottage last week for the first time.” He pointed at the small bulge in the soil next to the door.

Hester patted him on the shoulder. “Where is that thing, anyway?”

“We locked him up. Wouldn’t stop causing nightmares.”

“You didn’t lock him up when you slept? That was foolish. He could have sucked your soul out.”

“Don’t be stupid. Alps don’t damage the soul - they just nibble a little.”

“You’re a numskull, Rave.”

They sat a little and when it was so dark they barely could make out each other's faces they lit a campfire.

After a while, Ezekiel said: “You wanna kill that Djinn?”

He led them to a stream nearby and they laid out a circle of wood on a little island in the middle. (“To prevent a forest fire.”) He and Hester carried a large metal flagon to the circle while Desmond lit it on fire. He left an opening for Ezekiel and Hester to leave.

They placed it in the middle of the ring and Desmond closed the circle. 

“How do we release it?”, asked Desmond.

Ezekiel gave him a short smile, picked up a rock and chucked it at the container. It clanged and fell over. For a few seconds nothing happened but then something shot out of the bottle. An arm. It was somewhere between violet and dark blue. The flagon clanged again and flew up a few meters. Another arm emerged and then a bulgy Something the arms were attached to. Then the head appeared. It looked like a flaming ball of dark violet blaze with scorched and crooked horns. Its eyes were the darkest black Desmond had ever seen. As if a void was staring at them. It didn’t seem to have physical legs but it didn’t float. Looking at the place where usually legs would have been made Desmond feel dizzy; he turned his gaze elsewhere. It was double the size of him. It was only now Desmond realized he had somehow tuned out anything else. Ezekiel was shouting something.“Shit-Shit-Shit-Shit!!”

He pulled himself together and turned around. 

“Desmond! Get away from there!!”, Hester shouted as she quickly waded through the water towards the trees.

Desmond backed off but tripped. The monster passed through the flames and slowly moved in their direction. Desmond hastily got up and ran towards the trees where Ezekiel and Hester took cover.

“That’s not a Djinn, Ezekiel!”, Hester shouted.

“Yeah, I got that, thanks.” He unscrewed something at his hatchet. The lower part of the handle came off revealing what looked like a small spear and a thin rope attached to it - it resembled a small harpoon. 

“What is that thing?”, asked Desmond nervously.

“No idea, mate.” Ezekiel turned the ax blade 180 degrees and it clicked.

He jumped out from behind the tree where they had taken cover. He aimed the harpoon-like a gun and shot.

The point dug itself into the chest of the devil. Desmond noticed it hadn’t made a sound, which was kind of eerie - it simply stopped dead and stared at Ezekiel.

Ezekiel shouted something in a language Desmond didn’t understand and the devil made a sound that sounded like it was sighing through a scorched throat. He cut off the harpoon-rope with a knife and turned the ax blade around again. It started walking towards him. He flung the hatchet at its head where it stuck. It slowed down and went to its knees. It lifted one arm and swung at Ezekiel. It caught him in by his stomach, he flew across the clearing and smashed into a tree. 

“Ezekiel!”, Hester screamed.

The creature seemed fainter now. The purple flames faded revealing a black-dark brown skeleton. It collapsed entirely and the plants around it caught purple fire. He and Hester sprinted over to where Ezekiel had landed. To Desmond’s relieve, he was sitting upright but was pressing his hands against the place where the thing had touched him. 

“Let me see.” Hester kneeled down beside him. 

He revealed a mix between deep red blood and dark grey seared skin. 

“I’ll be fine.”, he said. “Let’s get back to the lodge.”

They both supported him by his pits as they walked back to the cabin.

The moment they entered Ezekiel stormed towards the bedroom. He came back out with a mountain of books and started going through them on the couch.

“What was that?”, asked Hester.

“Best guess? A Djinn mixed with something else. Maybe a Blazing Devil. Although that would be unlikely. The important question is why was that thing bound in the bottle and not a Djinn?”

“Can you even bind something else than a Djinn in a bottle?”

“That’s the thing. No. No, you cannot.”

“I better go now.”, said Hester. “I’ll come again tomorrow morning and bring bandages.”

After she’d left they silently sat on the couch - there was an awkward tension between them. Ezekiel combed through a heap of books (some of them in a language Desmond couldn’t read.) and Desmond poured himself a glass of liquor. Since he was a little agitated and couldn’t sleep he decided to throw his whole ‘no more alcohol’-thing overboard. The liquor loosened his tongue so he broke the silence. “That looks nasty.”, he said, frowning as he touched the sticky bloody burn wounds on Ezekiel’s flank. The latter breathed in sharply and seized his hand.

“Yeah. No touchy.”

“Does it hurt?”, Desmond said as he drew his hand back.

“Yes, it hurts. What do you think it feels like?”

Desmond remained silent and looked at his feet.

“Are you okay, Desmond? You weren’t that witless earlier.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Huh…”, Ezekiel took the empty glass out of his hand and smelled it but seemed revolted.

“Did you drink this?”

“Maybe. Why?”

“That’s meant to knock out small tier demons, pal. You should be in a coma by now.”

Desmond looked him directly in the eyes. “Yeah? Well, I can take a little more than your average Billy Joe.”

“What? You better lie down in the bed, dude. This is unnatural.”

He carefully brought Desmond to his feet and gently pushed him towards the bedroom door.

“Don’t you touch me, Demon-Boy! I am fine. That stuff’s really good. You should try some.”, he darted towards the bottle. Ezekiel stopped him. 

“Desmond, you should reall-“, he couldn’t finish his sentence because Desmond had knocked him out.

“No touchy…”

He took the bottle labeled as Daimocit (It had the words ‘Nighty night, nightmare’ scribbled in pencil underneath) and drank it in one go. Then everything went gray, then blue and then black… He was back at the table.

[tsw-story]

Chapter 50 - Near End and Beginning

“I don't know who you are, or how you did that, but thank you so much,” the man cried.

Eldrian, garbed in his hooded disguise, nodded to the gentleman he just rescued a moment ago from a pack of bat-wielding bullies. The man then ran off into the darkness of the city's vacant streets. It was near the edge of town, so hardly anyone was out and about, and for good reason. The less people around, the more likely something shady would go down.

Another job well done. Eldrian was elated that he could use his gift to help people, even if he had to do so in a costume under an alias. It helped take his mind off things as well, such as Tyreth, Noah, and everything else that'd been happening lately.

He let out a sigh and leaned back on a brick wall of the alleyway. It was time to head home. He knew he shouldn't burn out all his energy staying out all night, fighting crime and all that. His hand rest   upon the wall beside him, but before he prepared a portal door home, he stopped to the sound of movement. His hood's glowing yellow eyes shot left and right.

“You have sharp hearing, Dark Mage,” came a smooth, confident voice.

Eldrian turned deeper into the alley to see Noah Jackson himself, dressed as he always did, with the same umbrella swung over his shoulder. A wide smile was present across his face.

“Do I know you?” Eldrian fibbed.

“You might. I certainly know you. I've heard stories of the supposedly magical vigilante. You wouldn't happen to be using real magic, would you? Surely it's some kind of trick.”

“You're right. It's a trick.”

“No. I'm usually right, but not this time. It's no trick, Dark Mage, and to be frank, I think I know exactly who you are. This city has recently had an outbreak of wizardly pests. I refuse to believe anyone like you wouldn't at least know these pests, but I believe it's more than that. We've met before. I can feel it in the pit of my gorgeous stomach.”

“And why would you think that?”

Noah took a step closer. “Among the wizards I met, there was one I felt a powerful sense of drive coming from. They were all passionate indeed, but when you emerged from that portal, bloody and burned, I knew. Eldrian.”

The glow beneath his hood stared intently at the accusing gentleman. Noah Jackson was a wizard sent to hunt them down, and Eldrian knew that. He dealt with a government-sanctioned spellbreaker once, and that was difficult enough, but he never thought he'd so quickly run into one that was a wizard. This would be an entirely different problem.

In the time it takes one to snap their fingers, Eldrian appeared behind Noah, and attempted to flee. Noah spun around on his heel and thrust out his umbrella, and from the tip, a rope of golden light fired like a harpoon to wrap around Eldrian's torso and yank him crashing to the ground. Heaven's Chain!

“Not so fast!” Noah spoke sharply.

Eldrian, or the Dark Mage, rolled onto his back. With two hands together, he make the shape of a diamond with the negative space between his fingers, and immediately, a spark of light appeared in the center. He shifted his hands forward, and the spark become a blinding burst. Flare!

Noah brought up his arm to cover his eyes as he groaned in pain. The chain dissipated. Using the distraction, Eldrian took flight, and he had clearly been practicing. He soared into the sky almost as easily as a crow.

“Damn it,” Noah grunted. “He can fly? Even when I tried not to, I still underestimated him.”

He took off after him, albeit with a shaky beginning. The two wizards floated through the sky, though  it was clearly obvious which one was fastest, and that infuriated Noah Jackson. It didn't deter him, however. He was in hot pursuit.

Eldrian pulled out his phone as he gained a bit of distance.

“I hate to admit it, but I don't think I can do this one alone. I'm gonna need your help, Kev,” he mumbled under his breath.

***

A bead of sweat fell down Kevin's brow. His heart was racing, and his hands were shaking. He couldn't remember the last time he blinked. They say time seems to slow in the heat of the moment, but when your adrenaline starts pumping, it only speeds up. It's the rush of danger.

The character fell into a pit. Game over.

“Gah!” Kevin cried out as he dropped the controller onto his lap. “I hate to admit it, but I don't think I can do this alone. I'm gonna need your help, Eldrian. Where are you?”

He fell back on the sofa and sighed. It still worried him that his friend would occasionally go out at night and do such dangerous things, though on the other hand, he knew Eldrian had been doing things like that for years. They only recently met back up. The world of wizards was still something he was trying to fully comprehend. Maybe he never would.

His phone rang. When he looked to the screen, he saw it was a call from Eldrian, so he picked it up immediately.

“Hey!” Eldrian said.

“Woah. Why is it so windy there? What's going on?” asked Kevin.

“I'm flying right now. Away from Noah. I think I might need your help.”

Kevin squeezed the phone tight. “Not that guy again.”

“If I open a portal in a minute, can you come through?”

“Of course I can! But why don't you just come through to this side and escape?”

“Because I'm tired of running away.”

“Fair enough.”

Leaving the call going, Kevin stuffed his phone into his pocket. He extended his left hand outwards, and upon a finger was a silver ring. He shouted, “Aegis of Light!” and it shone bright. The ring transformed into a circular shield adorned with a blue gem in the center surrounded by four smaller ones, and it bound itself around his arm.

He then shouted, “Summon sword, Drodias!” as he extended out his other arm. Upon a finger was a gold and blue band, but as he said those words, it burst into light and shaped into a sword with a shimmering blue blade. He squeezed the hilt between his fingers.

A door opened before him. He didn't hesitate.

Kevin leapt through the door, and immediately shivered as he entered the other side. They were out upon some snow-covered hills a bit away from the edge of Edmonton, and it was the very middle of the night.

“You sure you're good?” Eldrian asked from beside him.

“Of course I am.”

By the time Noah arrived, the door had vanished, but both Eldrian and Kevin were awaiting his arrival. He floated down to the ground and snapped a glance between them.

“The spellbreaker again,” he muttered. “You got help.”

“Of course I did. You said there was an outbreak here, right? Well, here it is. The pests are here,” Eldrian replied.

“Let me ask a question to you two. What are you hoping to achieve by battling me?”

Kevin readied his blade. “What kind of question is that?”

“Think about it. If you kill me, which I don't think you will, my superiors will find out pretty quickly. They'll come down upon this city like starving vultures... Vultures that can negate your spells, or disintegrate you with magic. If you just beat me into submission, I'll come back. Again and again. We know you're all here now. The chase has begun, and it won't take long. This is the end to your days of carefree liberty.”

Eldrian and Kevin exchanged glances.

“We don't care,” Kevin shouted back. “We didn't do anything wrong, so we'll fight to survive.”

“Like animals!” scoffed Noah as he brought down his black umbrella. “Sparkling Arrow!”

From his umbrella fired out a bright, gold arrow of magical energy, and it careened towards the ginger samurai. Kevin raised up his shield just in time, though the force of the explosive collision nearly knocked him to the ground, and Eldrian had to avert his gaze.

“You can't get through Kevin's shield with something like that. It's blocked every spell that's hit it with not even a crack,” Eldrian boasted.

Kevin raised it proudly into the air. “This is the Aegis of Light.”

Noah seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. “Aegis of Light. I've heard of that artifact before. I do found it odd that you have two in your possession. I don't recognize the blade, but the shield... Yes. I've definitely seen it before. It's one of our own. A woman had it.”

“He's a wizard, Kev,” whispered Eldrian. “You can kick his ass. Counter his spells, and take him down, just like last time. We'll stop him together.”

Kevin nodded.

Eldrian brought up his fingers as he commonly did, and prepared the somatic components for his lighting lance spell. The spark became an extended bolt of electricity, and from his side, he hurled it towards his foe like Zeus.

Though it travelled quickly, Noah wasn't slow. He brought up a hand to ward the spell, but as he did, he watched in terror as the ward shattered to pieces. Kevin was at his side, with the Aegis of Light trust forward, but his perception quickly shook into a blur. The spell hit him directly, sending him flying backwards in a cloud of smoke with his hat landing nearby.

“How dare—,” grunted Noah beneath his breath.

“Good job, Kev!” Eldrian shouted.

Kevin gave a toothy grin. “Thanks.”

Their foe slowly rose up from the snow, nearly invisible in his black suit before a midnight sky. He lifted his cap along with himself, and with a furious stare, he placed it back upon his head. He dust off snow from his shirt and trousers before standing at attention.

Noah readied his umbrella almost as one would prepare a sword. He stepped forwards, and locked eyes on Kevin.

“I've had enough of you, spellbreaker. I don't need spells to fight you.”

“I took sword classes, and this blade was a gift from a very strange friend. How are you going to fight me with an umbrella?” Kevin asked.

“Try me.”

Confused, but eager to prove his skill, Kevin brought up his shield as his sword hand remained back and prepared to thrust. Noah, nimble on his feet, strafed carefully around the boy with only an umbrella in his hand.

“Careful, Kev,” Eldrian whispered. “He's up to something.”

“I don't scheme,” Noah responded.

He swung his umbrella down to the side, and that's when Kevin noticed something peculiar. It become shrouded in darkness. The shadows twisted and contorted its shape, but as it started to settle, Kevin looked in horror at the result. It was no umbrella, but a sword, completely black from tip to pummel, and it held an eerie glow.

The aura sprung to life as the metal of the sword burst into what resembled a plume of pitch-black fire. It emitted no heat, however, but he brought back to swing a diagonal slash over Kevin's blocking shield. Shadow Blade!

Like butter, the Aegis of Life fell perfectly into two halves.

The pieces fell to the ground, and in a burst of light, they turned back into a now-broken silver ring in the snow. Kevin looked up to Noah's sword. He didn't even feel resistance. It cut through with such sharpness, that even his magic shield was gone in an instant.

Eldrian widened his eyes. “That's the—“

“That's right,” Noah said with a guffaw. “This is the Blade of Shadows. The sword that can cut through anything. Something tells me you've heard of it before. Your spellbreaker talents mean nothing to this sword. Here's another question, pests. What will you do now?”

Kevin wrapped both hands around the grip of Drodias, and he backed up to stand beside Eldrian. They looked at each other once more. The wizard fumbled for words. He had brought Kevin into the mix with not nearly enough knowledge, and now both of their lives were in danger.

Noah gripped his sword as well. “Promise me your answer won't be surrendering. That would disappoint me.”