#do you feel that cold air
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A Sunday Night In The Wintertime ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
#do you feel that cold air#do you see the soft orange lamplight and the empty sidewalks#do you hear that gentle silence broken only but the low groaning of cars that seldom pass#the closed storefronts and the neon lights spilling over to the street#still enough to hear the leaves rustle in the wind and the tippytaps of a happy puppy#everything has character on a winter night walk even the girl in the reflection!
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sneepy cozy time....
#cats#longing to one day hopefully feel sleepy cozy like this again...#There was a pretty cool week here so I thought we had progressed closer to cool fall weather but... NO#..wrong!! It's like 80F in my room right now and was 98F outside yesterday. We get two more 'cooler' days and then#it starts going up again and will be in the high 90s possibly 100 something later this week#in my mind september should be COOOOOLLLL!!!!! or at least STARTING to get there.. Like mid 80s at the highest.#I am going to explode the world with evil wizard powers aaRGHaaHHHHHHHH#OR at least it should get down really low at night. I think thats the main thing is if it's 95 in the day and only 62 for like 3 hours in#the middle of the night then even leaving a fan in windows all night is not enough to fully cool down the house because its just not#enough cold air or cool for long enough. If it were 98 in the day but 15F outside at night then you could probably bring cool air inside al#night and your house would be at a relatively low starting point for the next days heat.#Like for example - in my apartment on a hot and sunny day. Even with every window#closed and blocked off with thick layers of reflective stuff and also not using the stove or doing anything to generate heat - the apartmen#will still go up on average about 6 - 8 degrees in one day. Peaking around 8 - 10pm night time. If I start off with the house cooled down#to 60F. then the highest it would get is 66 - 68 which is tolerable#.But if the lowest I can cool the apartment all night is still only 75F#then it's going to be 81 - 83F by the end of the day. So really it would be bearable (ISH)#for it to be warm as long as it was colder at night.#Though still the IDEAL is to not have to structure my life around envrionmental management and constantly be checking the#outdoor temperature so I can put the fans in the second that it's colder outside than it is inside and putting elaborate curtain systems#up and down at the exact right times and meal prepping 4 days in advance so I dont have to use the stove for 3 days and blah blah blah#Life in the colder weather months is so effortless and breezy in that sense. I can just have the window open all day and get natural light.#I can cook whatever I want. I can wear what I like. I can move around the house freely without needing to always#carry a fan around with me or douse myself in water.#ANYWAY.... oh if only that were me.... snuggled in a warm blanket ... a comforting wintery image...
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I know if I tried a cigarette I’d probably never be able to quit so sometimes when I’m feeling really beaten down I’ll crack open a tallboy n smoke a joint and pretend I’m finishing off a pack of marlboro reds at 1am outside of a shitty packed bar downtown just to feel something
#being 25 years old feels like being 25 years old and also 12 years old and also 47 years old#I am starting to crave things I’ve never really wanted and it’s weird#craving the taste of cigarettes and strangers tongues after they’ve been drinking beer and the feeling of cold air on my thighs#god what is happening lmfao#thank you for letting me rant here friends idk what I’m doing and I am having a quarter life crisis or whateverthefuck I think maybe#the feelings come and go#ce la vie#it is what it is#I will keep on truckin#mine
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#down so incredibly bad. he has eye crinkles when he smiles.... nah its the end#trying not to think about it but JDJJDJDJD the way he was waiting for me in his car and like so smiley when he came out. o im gonna !!!!!!!#GOD. im so obsessed. like hes just some guy yes. but also ???? idc NDNDNXNXNNXMXM#its gonna take years tho i can feel it NDJDNXNXNDNND#hhhhh but maybe less time than i think...? idk im so...... i got so shy. couldnt even look at him at points like JDJNXNDNXNZN#im probably sending like... the Most mixed messages but WHAT CAN I DO XJXJJZZMZZ#i get mixed messages from him too. god. it took us forever to be friends bc of this JDJDJXJDKZMZM#getting to More.... lmao good lord#personal#also god why did i have to see that post about consideration being like. a way u know someoje cares. like JDJJDNDN#him being like o i was gonna honk at you but i thought itd scare you. so he waved a bunch instead Ndndnnd#then when ppl kept hounding me about why inwasnt taking my jacket off (felt embarassed bc i looked cute JDJDJDJJDNDN plus it was COLD) n#saying like oh isnt it hot. and inwas like huh really. and he was like... well i wouldnt say its hot. you can feel like the air coming down.#um.... ya maybe these are small but HDJDJDJDNDNNDNDND hes so cute....... like he could have honked at me n scared me or joined in on#everyone sayin stuff to me but BDBNDNDNDND cute....
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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#this is what I get for hyperfocusing on a currently airing canon queer ship to cope with life stress#instead of decades-old queerbait/non-canon#i want so badly to be able to focus on Oliver’s quote about wanting a bi hoe Buck phase if Buck and Tommy were ‘on a break’#bc I’m pretty sure that was the interview he said they were filming masks so he should’ve already known?#and it was also the one where he talked about overcoming obstacles in their relationship#and bi hoe Buck phase before getting back together would be#i don’t want to say the only good outcome. I’ll get over the shock and it’ll hurt less and I’ll see other okay options#but it would certainly be the best#but the things Lou is saying. and the way it feels so shoehorned in.#i am not insane (coughs. definitely not vagueing any section of fandom.)#and I’ve also been destroyed by hope twice in three days now. one obviously more globally significant than the other but.#yeah.#sometimes Ted lasso was wrong and it is the hope that kills you#i want to cling to that possibility but in the face of the episode itself I don’t think I can#it was obviously a last-minute thing for absolutely no narrative reason#and there’s no reason to shoehorn that in to create a getting together arc. there’s no reason to do that suddenly and impromptu#from either a narrative or a network perspective#honestly it’s not even entirely the breakup itself for me#i mean don’t get me wrong that sucks so bad on so many levels#but it’s the implication in Lou’s interviews that Tommy’s just gonna disappear now#he was fully enmeshed in the firefam and getting more and more so. he’s Eddie’s good friend!#that was a big part of what made it a good relationship but it was also just. really nice for Tommy#and I love him and I will be particularly devastated if the show just cuts him cold now#and everything Lou said like. makes it make SENSE from his perspective. in a way he obviously had to work for to be able to do it#but it still doesn’t make it a good or narratively satisfying breakup#or rather a good or narratively satisfying conclusion#specifically for Tommy!!! it makes it a decent and justifiable midpoint to a character arc about learning to be vulnerable#which is a really interesting arc you could do with Tommy! actually based on what we know about him!#if you hadn’t told Lou to go back to SWAT!#started typing these in an attempt to get the emotions out and instead I’ve just added irritation
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I can take them making the Crosby/Landra thing explicit (even when keeping it vague would have been very doable and truer to his own memoir) but him pushing her about what she actually was doing was annoying. The call we'll see next week is fine, but whining about it in a pub instead of just being like "haha pretty sure my badass former-roomate is a spy, crazy times we live in, ammirite?" rubbed me the wrong way.
#idk it hit me less as concerned friend/fwb and more 'as a man attached to you i need to know what you're doing so tell me'#which isn't the vibe from the real dude or the character so far#Croz a we know & love him would be like 'you'd tell me but you'd have to kill me? of course ma'am. btw thank you for paying attention to me#like im not happy about them making the relationship explicitly romantic or explicitly physical#I think he still considered it cheating in his own mind no matter what the circumstances#BUT that should objectively be the thing that irks me most#& it wasn't bc i was too busy being mad about the way they made him kinda demand her whereabouts#maybe that was just me but it had me riled up the entire episode#honestly woried it'll make nxt wk's phonecall feel less “whoops so shes definitely unable to meet me for lunch ?” and more “WHERES MY WOMAN#masters of the air#spoilers#harry crosby#shit i put the wrong name in the post#fuck it im not changing it now#they can pry 'Landra' out of my cold dead hands i guess#hbo war#MotA: Ep 7#MotA#sandra westgate#whoever the fuck that is (obligatory snarky tag)
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There may not be snow where I live.
But I will always remember the way these cold embraces made me feel. The cool breeze that wraps me like a gift and warms my whole body, if not including my head. The way the air of low temperature condenses on the pane that barricades the balcony from the bedroom will never not make me feel at ease, at home. The mist that once prevented us to experience the joy of being a child in an amusement park still somehow gave me serenity—a feeling I would always feel when it rains. Yet this rainfall is different. It is weak yet showering, the sky's sadness falling on every strand of my hair like soft, comforting hands patting my head as praise.
And when Sol bids his temporary farewell—when it is Luna's turn to shine—the night gets even colder, and I am filled with more comfort. The crickets that surround me help in creating a safer space for myself, and the familiar songs from a distant party bring me enough delight. The city lights below me, the most beautiful sight of my life, tell me that there are other people who exist, some left to be forgotten, some as broken as me. The blinking lights from the Ferris wheel remind me of a better tomorrow, a hope that we can play at the park the next day, and the feeling of being a child once more. The people screaming on the rollercoaster reminding me that I have to let all my emotions out, somehow, someway, someday.
There may not be snow where I live, but the coldness of night and day will always speak loud of my frozen cold heart. Ironically, twenty-three degrees will warm it enough to shatter on its own to fragments, and after that, once more, its pieces emerge and shelter my broken heart only to prevent further pain.
There may not be snow where I live, but that isn't the case, and that isn't what makes life sad. It's that I will never get to experience the same thing the first time in life again.
#writing#prose#okay do i have to have a writing tag#listening to snowfall after a few months i always picture and feel cold air touching my skin#such things that i felt at a hotel at the province that i still remember very vividly#soo you have this piece#Spotify#eleutheria
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Quickest way to start fights in animal related ares of the internet is to say simple factual statements that people don't want to admit to themselves like
"your dog is not displaying guilt and does not know what it did wrong, dogs do not feel guilt or make connections between actions and delayed consequences like that, you're just attempting to rationalize wanting to punish your dog out of anger or frustration"
or
"your pet is not doing this thing you find annoying or hurtful out of spite, animals are not spiteful, you are projecting your own feelings on them because you're upset and want to feel justified for your upset reactions"
or
"handling your exotic animals is for your own enjoyment and benefit, not theirs, your spider/snake/mantid/gecko/whatever is not asking you for 'uppies' because it loves you and wants you to hold it, it just recognizes you as the warm creature that gives it food sometimes if even that, that behavior you're definitely misinterpreting is probably just them seeking warmth, seeking food, or even actually a threat display because you are a giant potential danger to them"
#and i say these things as someone who has owned all of these animals and loved them#STOP ANTHROPOMORPHISING ANIMAL BEHAVIOR TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER FOR HOW YOU INTERACT WITH THEM#'my snake loves when i hold it though' you are warm and your snake's tank is probably boring and too cold#a happy well enriched snake kept in a properly heated environment does not give a fuck about seeking human contact other than for food sorr#your jumping spider is not waving their front legs in the air because they want be to picked up and held#thay is how they determine whether or not they need to jump to get somewhere by reaching out for things to potentially grab and climb#jumping takes energy and they'd rather not do it if they can climb#it can also be mating behavior or more likely a threat display because spiders are territorial and you are a giant potential predator#but i promise it is not them 'asking you for uppies' omg#same for your tarantulas#and bug and arachnid pets in general tbh#just stop assuming that animals are doing things for the reason you think a human child would do them#lets be real in most cases most people aren't even right about why human children do things either#because they dont understand child development just as much as they dont understand animal behavior lul
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personally I think breathing should feel a little more refreshing
#i am licherally saturating my body with cool oxygen and expelling the carbon dioxide.#what do you MEAN it doesn't make me feel refreshed#cold water gets close but i need someone to take my soul out and clean it with a sponge#cold AIR also gets close but it stops that refreshing feeling at the throat and sometimes you can get too dry and then it just hurts#hmm. well before i experience any more symptoms of mental illness i will become unconscious (sleep)#i can already tell this week is going to be fucked up but i was gifted jam today and i need to survive long enough to taste it
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going to kill myself over the state of my wallet rn
#call me sisyphus the way i am constantly rolling this stupid rock up this hill (having to buy things. which cost money)#this saturday. we will be halving the amount of cats in this house. and it won't be so frequent that we have to get more cat food#this is my saving grace atm.#love the beans and i Will cry when we send them to the shelter but it will be Partially relief-crying. bc my god do they fuckin eat eat eat.#also the apt downstairs is empty again and they're working on it. again. so it smells like weed. Again#so i'm stuffied and constantly turning the fan off and on to get the air flowing so dragon and i don't Both get asthmatic with it#but then turning it back off bc Cold Cold oh my God Cold#ugghhhh#too scared to take anymore ofthose weed candies So i'm fucking Raw Dogging Life right now‼️‼️‼️‼️#i should just make coffee or something. idk. i feel better now from the nightmare weed btw. just took like all of last week to happen#but now i'm getting second-hand weed smoked. and like. power to them but My Lungs. MY CATS' LUNGS.#MY ASTHMATIC CAT'S LUNGS‼️this is supposed to be a smoke-free apt. i'm sorry to sound like a buzzkill but. he wheezes Recreationally#i'm rambly that's how you know i'm doing decent again. just also life actually sucks LFDNGNDDMNF
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my legs feel like sticks of ice and i refuse to wear pants regardless because! because. i rarely get cold and i want to savor it. variety is important. it's enrichment in the enclosure that is my body
#also getting under a blanket or into my slightly warmer room is very satisfying like this#unlike feeling hot which can never be satisfying bc even if you enter an air conditioned place and cool off. you still smell like sweat 🧐#also if i do dress warmer i get hot so fast and it becomes a heat wave and i start feeling like i'm suffocating 😔#i have very normal temperature regulation btw (lying) (i'm fat and on t obviously i rarely get cold) (i am a human space heater)
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... how am I meant to get any sort of restful sleep when it's like 85F indoors in my bedroom at NIGHT .. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#why the next poll adventure and everything else has taken so long lol.. I straight up have just not done anything#the past few days... staring down my todo list and sweating hopelessly#AT LEAST it;s relatively low humidity. the highest it's been up to is maybe 65%. but is usually around 50 or 40ish#There is one small window air conditioner in a roomate's room that can KIND OF be shared by nailing a sheet up to block off the hallway#with the rooms in it so the cool air goes into the other bedrooms but doesnt flow out into the kitchen or etc but#wjhen it's the time of day that the sun is directly hitting the window & it's like 102F outside even that doesnt help much. to cool 3 rooms#and I always feel like we're going to explode the air conditioner or something running it too much with direct heat on it. sometimes it#smells like hot plastic or whatever ghj.. so it's mostly just.. block off all windows with 5 layers of blankets and cardboard#starting at 10am (meaning.. no indoor light for days basically.. no natural lighting.. time passes weird. hard to determine time of day).#throw water on the bed every night so you sleep in wet sheets and keep your clothes and hair wet at all times. ice. cold drinks. keep a#little fan running pointed directly at you nearly 24/7 even when sleeping with a fan blowing air on you makes your eyes and throat painfull#dry. etc. etc.. and i KNOW people have it worse in plenty of places blah blah. i am just complaining on my little blog that is about me lol#I think the biggest thing about lack of adequate/central air conditioning for me is just the LACK of productivity!!! I am working on games!#and novels!! and so many other crafts. costumes! sculptures!!! things I want to do!!! we all have a limited amount of time on this planet a#nd I have so many goals!! To lose basically 4-5 days straight or producivity - when if I had been able to temperature#control my environment better I could have easily gotten more done because I wouldn't be laying around nuseous and too hot#and sick to do anything all day etc. -- is like.... GRRRRRR... it just feels so senseless.. i could have USEd that time...#Every CEO who has contributed to global warming owes me 1million doallrs to fund my art projects and make up for all the time#I've lost on them due to their stupid bullshit.. also they should be stoned to death in a public square. but redistribute the money FIRST#to everyone on the planet. but especially people who have been affected by floods. fires. etc. etc.#poor people who have limited choice in housing and access to air conditioning. homeless people in cooling centers. people with disabillitie#and health issues that are worse in the heat so the entire future just seems increasingly terrifying for them. etc. etc.#ANYWAY.... eughhhgh.... It can cool down SLIGHTLY at night but the past few nights I have been sleeping in an 81 degree room and I wake up#and first thing in the morning its like 82 by then and I'm so nauseous and nasty feeling... just so so tired of it.. I NEED SNOW#literally not even joking.. snow would heal me. .. oughffff...#AND i got the new nasty stinky poo poo pee pee tumblr dashboard update lol.. e v i l
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there is snow on the ground, mental illness cancelled for today
#!!!!!!!!!!!!!#CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING FROM JERSEY#not gvf but they’d agree with me they’re Michigan boys#we finally got snow and like always I feel 6 years old again#is it psychotic I looked out the window and got excited for my lil hot girl walk later#I’m gonna get so bundled up and the snowflakes are gonna hit my face and stick to my hair and eyelashes and my cheeks are gonna get red#and the air is gonna feel cold to breathe in but it’s gonna have that one it’s-cold smell#this is peak nicole time I am SO HERE#for context I don’t drive and never have so I get to enjoy snow innocently and guiltlessly#if u gotta drive today my heart goes out to you but also it’s like 4 inches u can do it
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unfortunately the allure of "at work i genuinely don't think that much and have no time or capacity to worry about home because i am fully mentally 'at work'" and "at work my family isnt there and i am not reminded of things happening in it by being asked about it by one of them or seeing them" and "at least i make money at work and am there often enough its a good amount and i feel useful lookibg at it" is really startibg to wear thin rifgt now
#i like not thinking i like being so caught in my sorting and doing a good job and helping people i dont feel the coldness settlibg in#i like not havibg sudden run ins i overthink later or being asked What Do You Think Haha in front of people id like to not air laundry to#people who respect me enough to wish well when im just a little bit not all there but dont want My Answer About It or My Assurance#i like not having to consider another job or parrttime searching again and scheduling both them at the same time#i like not thinking man but now im sfucking tired going too. when im cloxked in i turn all this off and i wish i could always be that way#helpful! im happy to help! im glad to. no worries no problem. thoughtful and useful and a joy if a little in need of guidance#the build up to therr. thinking about all of it alone on the way. always the sitting with it. the hours settling in#its wearing thin. something about it is. i think its only me. i wish i worked all the time so i wouldnt wind down back to all of this#everything here and reality going on and all the bad news and every bad memory and experience and incoming ache fffffuuck me man#im fine before anyone (noone) gets conc3rnened im just so tired. im so cold. nothing will come out. do i really need that as proof it hurts
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I wanna play with my beloveds in the snow, make intricate snow forts with Kalec complete with nice chairs for us to sit in and play hide n seek in the cold dark night with Wrathy and then warm my cold fingers on his tummy 🥰
#shiny speaks#only reason the hide n seek ain’t during the day is cuz it’d be unfair for him honestly hdjdbdjdj#plus going into the woods at night during winter is like a whole different world it’s so strange and beautiful#the way the cold dry air bites my lungs and forces me breathe through my mouth#I can’t see a fuckin thing without the moonlight like he could close his eyes and be directly in front of my face and I wouldn’t know#mostly reliant on hearing and feeling to not trip over snow or trees without a light#again I cannot emphasize nor explain how forest winter nights feel it’s incredible#cold as fuck tho dayum#💙✨this must be magic✨💙#🖤👑do you trust me? 👑🖤
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