#do you ever write a post and go yep my irls are going to talk to me about this one tommorow

[reinventingaxel]

An exerpt from an upcoming fic for a fandom event:

"Do you even realize how much of a nightmare it is to tell a doctor your mom is a fish with a straight face?"

[here2bbtstrash]

as promised, here it is: The Big Life Update Post (aka m where the hell have u been and what the hell is going on with this blog)

TLDR: went thru it, came out better for it, i love y'all. and we're getting back into this writing thing as i have the time and capacity 🥳

2023 has been a bit of a whirlwind, to put it very mildly. while the first three months started off relatively smoothly, my saturn return began in the middle of march. only a few short weeks after that... well, i'd basically say everything went off the fucking rails.

content warning: drama talk incoming ft. extremely brief mentions of racism and racist hate mail (no specific details shared).

i haven't spoken on this yet since everything happened, and i want to be explicitly clear that i won't be speaking on it further after this post. but i just want you to understand where i've been at since april.

i will own it entirely and say: i fucked up. i put content in a story that i shouldn't have, that i had no business speaking on, and i think people were well within their right to call me out on it, one hundred percent. however, after i went offline at the end of april, my friends ended up learning that the person who initially stirred up all of the "tea", and submitted the first several anonymous posts about me to a hate blog, was actually someone i knew well and considered a friend.

this was someone whose stories i gladly beta'd, someone i consoled through multiple hard moments in their life, someone i actually even met in person. yep. this was also someone who had read the chapter of my story that featured the problematic content when it was released, and proceeded to send me paragraphs upon paragraphs of how much they enjoyed it, and the story as a whole. this is not to say that people can't change their minds on content after sitting with it, not at all. but to think that i had been through so much with this person, done so much to be there for them, and that they never once gave me any reason to think we were anything other than close friends. yet ultimately, they didn't feel they could come directly to me... or find quite literally any other way of dealing with the issue?

instead, they chose to send multiple messages about me to a hate blog, as well as hateful anons to several of my friends, thinking that we wouldn't know it was them (we did). not only that, but their actions encouraged an actual torrent of racist hate mail to be sent to all of my non-white friends who publicly chose to support me. ultimately, they ended up admitting all of this, and still, they never once apologized or showed even a single iota of remorsefulness or responsibility for the onslaught of vitriol they incited. (even though, you know, this whole thing was supposedly about how racism is bad.)

and this user is still on the platform, operating under a new blog name and pseudonym. so. that's fun. 💀

i don't say this to beat a dead horse, or to drum up sympathy, because i promise i don't want it. it's been long enough, i understand the mistakes i made, and i've done my part to take accountability for my actions. but i needed to start this post here to have you all understand where i was at the end of april - just in time for yoongi's tour 🤪 - in many ways, i felt like i had no friends, at least none that i could really trust. i felt unsure who might have been acting one way to my face, perhaps even praising me, but talking different about me behind my back. and it was beyond fucking nervewracking to think that i would be meeting so many friends IRL for the first time, quite literally days after what essentially felt like a public execution.

i wasn't doing well, to say the least.

and then... the funniest thing happened.

y'all showed the fuck up for me. in droves. in a way that i have quite literally never experienced in my lifetime and doubt i ever will again. even recounting it now is lowkey giving me chills. i received, literally, yes i counted, hundreds of DMs from the most incredibly kind people- on tumblr, on twitter, on discord, in AO3 comments. the vast majority of you wrote paragraphs: about what my stories have meant to you, about how you found my blog to be a safe space in the noise of the world, about how much you'd enjoyed our time together here. so many of you said something along the lines of "even if you never come back here again, please keep writing". honestly, for like a week straight all i could do was read my DMs and cry and cry and cry.

i didn't receive a single hateful DM. not one.

as if that alone isn't more blessings than i deserve in an entire lifetime, i also, you know. saw five shows of agust d on tour. (my credit card is still recovering.) spent two of the best nights of my life in pit getting a water bottle baptism and screaming myself hoarse. and met dozens of incredible moots, who held me when i cried, scream-laughed with me, and of course, drank plenty of booze with me.

at a time where i wondered to myself if i even had a single true friend in this fandom (or, like, in the world), you all showed me that i had so much more. that we had so much more-- we had a community. and i believe we still do. and i am more than ready to block out all the shit that doesn't matter and get back to having some fun around here.

in short: thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. if you sent me a sweet word, i promise you, i read it (and probably cried lmao). i wouldn't be doing any of this without you. i will never ever deserve all the love that you have shown me. but for as long as you'll have me, i'd love to have a fun stupid horny time in this little corner of the internet. as a part of our community. what a fucking gift it is. 🫶

phew. okay, so- that was april and may. it's november. what the fuck happened?

i knew i wanted to properly take time to get my head on straight before i found my way back to writing. what i wasn't expecting was to 1. fall in love, 2. get a new job, and 3. move myself and my cat approximately 800 miles across the country... but yeah, since the end of may, those 3 things are exactly what i've been doing!

i won't talk too much about my partner here, because our relationship is important enough to me that i want to keep it largely private, but my god. he is the most incredible human. i can't tell you how much of what i wrote out as silly little daydreams in my fanfiction has somehow manifested itself into this very real human being (like, it's kinda crazy lmao 🙈). i'm grateful for him every single day. and what makes it even more special is that we met for the first time in person while i was traveling for yoongi's tour - yep! he saw me going through so much upheaval, and fell for me all the same. just another thing i will never fully believe i deserve. but goddamn do i feel luckyyyyy 🥰

and in addition to my amazing partner (and in part because of him but honestly i had plans to move before i had even met this man it just happened to work out okay 🙄) i have also finally managed to do what i've been planning for the last year and a half, which is move my ass out of the southern suburbs where i'd been for nearly a decade, and to a ✨walkable city that actually has public transit✨ - what a fucking dream. i may have only been here 8 days, and i may not have much more to my name than my cat, my TV, and my mattress, but i swear to god, i've never been this happy in my entire life.

so yeah. exhale. like i said, it's been quite the year.

now i do want to end this with a small caveat, which is to say, i can't make a promise as to how much i can *be* here (particularly not compared to how terminally online i used to be lmao). i spent a lot of time online because i was unhappy and feeling very stuck with where i was in life, and i needed escapism, bad. now, i've finally gotten to a place where i'm excited to go out of my house and do things, but i still want to make intentional time for tumblr as a form of connection and community, and writing as a form of creative expression. these things are really important to me!!! i just ask that you give me some grace if i'm a little slow on the uptake. i promise i'm still here 🥰

and writing is gonna happen!!! i can't say much more than that, because tbh i haven't so much as opened a google doc since april, but i've been itching to get back to it. maybe.... we might start off....... with some........... drabble requests??? 👀 we'll see we'll see we'll see hehe.

in any case, i think that's more than enough for now 🤪 oh how i've missed babbling to you all, the gay people in my phone. i hope you're well, and if ya feel so inclined, i'd love it if you'd send me a comment or a DM on what you've been up to in the many months it's been since we've spoke! what's new in your life? what are we manifesting??

talk so so soon, eeeeee~ i'm so happy to be back~ love you babes!!! 🤍

[goodthingscomeinthrees]

20 questions for fic writers:

ty for the tag, @somewhereapart 🥰

this is very long, so answers go under the cut!!

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

62 as epigraphs

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

i do not actually know! i wrote single chapters in a fic collection years ago, so that messes with my stats and i don't know how long what i wrote was anymore, so i can't do the math. but 2023 was 54,372 words, and 2022 was 113,431!

3. what fandoms do you write for?

currently: the gilded age, technically still svu but uh, let's not talk about that one fic i fully abandoned (at least until that question comes up lolol).

past lives: madam secretary, the west wing, the newsroom, scrubs, sound of music (i'm as confused as you are, don't worry), the good wife, grey's, stranger things, bones, fleabag.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

as epigraphs:

the stillness of remembering, svu the legend of how you disappeared, svu come and untangle me (one of these days), svu let it all unfurl, into broken remnants, svu rather be sad with you (than anywhere away from you), svu

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i do! i like the concept of having a conversation with readers (though i rarely get into an actual multi-comment convo). also i'm very type-a and pro-inbox zero, so i clear it out in batches to do replies.

6. what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

for you i'd bleed myself dry, for the good wife. it's a post-5.16 fix-it fakeout, and every comment on it is just yelling at me hahaha

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i think most of mine have a happy ending, even if it's not a true hea. my friend and i coined the term "milk and cookies ending," because even if we throw angst at you, we will give you your milk and cookies as a treat lol

8. do you get hate on fics?

thankfully, no.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

incredibly rarely, and if so, very vaguely and (if you ask anyone who knows me), fairly "limb-free."

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

i've written exactly one (1), imagining what a friendship between cam saroyan from bones and olivia benson from svu would look like!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

sort of. i never called them out on it, so i shan't be doing that here.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep! for two fandoms. for one, we split up the povs and alternated, which was very fun. for the other one, i (see the answer to 9. lol) handed off the smut.

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

elizabeth/henry from madam secretary was my first real ship and the first fandom i ever participated in and wrote fic for, so they're the ride-or-dies forever.

15. what's the wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

looking at you, eo talks about god fic.

16. what are your writing strengths?

clarity and economy of words? i think? if you know me irl, this makes sense considering my day job. also, keeping things in-character, when it comes to dialogue and internal monologue.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

getting away from vignette structure, writing plot. i hate plot. i suck at plot.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for fic?

hoo boy, as a bilingual person (german and english) i have very strong feelings about this, but generally: okay if done incredibly sparingly, and in a way that sounds natural. harder to pull off than you'd think!

19. first fandom you wrote for?

madam secretary.

20. favourite fic you've ever written?

tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife, svu.

tagging: @sinkingsidewalks, @idontneedtobeforgiven, @idoltina, @msharmonycobel, @soshedances18, @sam-loves-seb, @rahleeyah, @morethanwords229 and whoever else wants to do this!

[stormwife-writes]

too shy to say this off anon lol but I just wanted to say reading your fic inspired me to start writing my own (never even written a fic in my life but the gale brainrot is powerful). 🥹 As someone who hasn't written in a long long time, thank you for the motivation to go for it! and if you have any writing tips I would love to hear them. Have a wonderful day!

😭 I’m SO happy to hear the fic has been an inspiration to get (back) into writing!! It brings me a ton of joy to hear it especially since this story was the reboot of my writing journey too and I figured out a lot as I went along - and I’m sure you will too 💜

As for writing tips, gosh 🥹 Hooo boy so as a longfic writer I’m not great at being brief!! but a few high-level thoughts:

Reading a LOT - of the kind of works you would like to write. Whether it’s epic fantasy, erotica, screenplays (esp for dialogue), whatever, consuming a ton of those works and studying how the authors are executing plot, characters, dialogue, etc. Especially important for skills you’re looking to develop - for example, for me atm that’s illustrating rather than introspecting, breaking out of linear timelines, and distinct character voices, but it could be anything!

Writing a LOT - the fic was the first big story I ever wrote and I posted as I went, and when I went back to edit Act 1 at the end of that 8-month process I was shocked by how much I had developed (and how much editing Acts 1 & 2 needed, lol - which I’m almost finished with now!). So yep just getting hands to keyboard and figuring it out as you go along is the way, and best of all you get stories out of it - at the beginning the quality and audience doesn’t matter as much as just doing it 😊

“Go where it’s hot” - A writer I know gave me this advice once when I asked “how do I know when to switch from outlining to writing prose?”, and I’ve found it hugely helpful in making any sort of decisions about what to work on. Writing is for you first & foremost, and in my experience the more excited you are the better the work!

Read up on theory - I only started reading and taking courses about writing halfway through the fic, which was…. uh, a little late 😂 The resources I’ve found most helpful are: 1) On Writing by Stephen King, 2) Brandon Sanderson’s writing class on YouTube, 3) Truth Is the Arrow, Mercy Is the Bow by Steve Almond, and 4) Steering the Craft by Ursula K LeGuin. And if you or others find any other great writing resources on your journeys please send ‘em my way because I’m always learning!

As a bonus I’d thrown in: Engage - this one is hard for me tbh because I too am shy! I literally just shared my tumblr on Chapter 105 of the fic 😂 and am slowly trying to comment more on AO3 and engage more in internet spaces. But it’s really helpful to talk to people about writing and share your work, whether it’s IRL friends or internet friends or writing groups. Definitely one I’m still working on!! In that spirit always feel free to ping me here for any other writing qs or if you need a beta reader for your first piece!

Good luck with the writing, I’m super excited for you & anyone else starting on this journey 👏🏻 and hope to see your Gale brain rot make its way to AO3 soon 😁 💜

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

are you. are you still doing the mutual ask?

Bia. Oh my friend. I was hoping you’d send one of these heck yeah.

WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. MANY BINGOS! (well technically one bingo and a few nearly-there-bingos but STILL)

Slight older sibling vibes. Ever so slight.

Hehe harasses you with. with the gifs. of. of wilbur… soot. harasses you-

SHARED INTERESTSSSSSS!!! Fellow DSMP fan who is Christian :D Fellow person who does not like Wilbur and Techno as twins! Fellow person who loves sandduo! Fellow person who writes fanfic! Fellow person who likes AJR!

c!Phil is Your Guy, 100%. Blorbo. When I think of you I think of c!Phil. Messy birb guy.

EATS YOUR WRITING OH MAN EATS IT DEVOURS ONNOMNOM. The excitement I feel when I receive an email stating you have posted/updated a fic is unparalleled. Like. Oh my gosh. You write the best fics ever. ALSO APARTMENT 238 MY BELOVED <3

Listen, I love Phil, but I am also judging him a little bit <3 Just a bit. Still love him though. Messy birb guy.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SPOUT OFF YOUR VAST KNOWLEDGE OH MY GOSH YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT SO MANY THINGS YESSSSSSSS

Mutual chaos >:D We made the Man Or Muppet edit together, I’d say <3 You are chaotic and I am crazy we do well together *nods*

Free space: WE MUST GO ON A ROAD TRIP AND EAT GUMMI WYRMS AND GO TO GAS STATIONS AND SUCH! WE MUST! Meeting up irl would actually be so much fun oh my goshhhhh

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SEND MESSAGESSSSSS it’s so much fun!! I absolutely love getting harassed by you XD And despite the Cursed-ness, I do enjoy when you tag me in horrid Cars AU’s lol. We harass each other. It’s the circle of life.

Met on tumblr, yep! You were the second DSMP friend I ever made :’) And also the person who helped me navigate the DSMP fandom lol I was so confused about Everything back then-

I consider you one of my best friends <3 Not many people could stay up until 5am talking to each other OR argue for 40 minutes over Doomsday and still be close lol. Our bond is strong, my friend.

I DO THE SPINNY THING A LOT WHEN I CHAT WITH YOU YESSSSSSS!!! Especially when we vc :D I remember you telling me that Ghostbur was “like the boyfriend I just don’t see the potential in” and my brain did spinny things because I loved the way you worded that lol AND ALSO you and other-discord-friend were talking about Minecraft and how neither of you were good at combat/fighting within the game, and that you were holding me up to “Technoblade levels of fighting” once I get the game XD It was so awesome and I wrote that quote down because I loved it so much alsgaksgaksgajg

Still to this day I kinda freak out whenever you interact with me XD AND WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SO LONG!!! WELL OVER A YEAR!!!

Heh I shoved The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty in your face, I did I did. And also Lovejoy.

What are friends if they cannot shake each other violently /pos? <3

I love getting to chat about my fic ideas with you but I still get nervous over doing it :’) Not even specific with you, but with anyone 😅 I guess because I’m so quiet irl, I have a hard time… bringing myself to share ideas with people? I don’t know, I’m trying to work on it :) But yes, I looove getting to chat about ideas with you, Bia!!

[purlturtle]

Going through my drafts and found this ask list, posted by @dduane - I really like it, so I'm going to go for it. Here are the asks themselves; my replies I'll put under a readmore so as not to clutter your dashes.

what’s the last song that got stuck in your head? (for inclusiveness to any deaf people, which I apologize for not being skilled at: what’s the last creative thing you couldn’t look away from/kept coming back to?)

name a fictional character you identify with. why?

if you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do with your life?

explain any philosophical ~epiphany you’ve ever had.

talk about a band/tv show/movie/book/fandom you love. why?

what gets you high? (chemical or not, as you wish)

would you rather die in a day or live forever? why?

if you could create an ideal nation/political system, what would it be like?

what’s your favorite story (in any form - book, tv, fanfic, storytelling, comics, song, anything)?

if you have any tattoos, and/or if you were to get any tattoos, what are they?

if you could go forward/back in time to any year, when would you go to and what would you do? (you have the option to come back.)

If anyone wants to do these, feel free!

1 - what’s the last song that got stuck in your head? (for inclusiveness to any deaf people, which I apologize for not being skilled at: what’s the last creative thing you couldn’t look away from/kept coming back to?)

"Do you wanna be an agent", because I just reblogged that. :D In fact the moment I hear a song, or see song lyrics I recognize, chances are near-certain that it'll become my earworm that instant.

2 - name a fictional character you identify with. why?

Deanna Troi, ever since I first saw her. I couldn't quite find the words for why, as a kid when I first watched TNG, but these days I know - it's her warmth, her emotionality, the way she can sense others' emotions (not just in a detached/observational way but in that she feels them as well). The way that that makes life among people who are unaware of that quite hard, and sometimes very lonely. The way that in order to function, she has to erect conscious barriers against not being flooded by other people's emotions. The way that because of all that, she is the first to strive to understand and empathize with even the worst of opponents (Armus). The way that none of that makes her weak, or a liability in the eyes of her crewmates and friends - on the contrary, they see her and her abilities as something to be cherished, something helpful, and something that is simply part of her. Also, she has a quote that I internalized as a teen, which has helped me accept myself and love myself just the way I am, and that in turn has helped me through so much in my life:

I'll never be longely, because I'll always have myself.

3 - if you didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do with your life?

Enjoy myself to the fullest. That includes taking in stories (reading, watching, listening) and putting out stories (writing). That includes good food, and the company of good people (online and IRL both). That includes a home that I love and feel at ease in. That includes visiting places I have always wanted to see, and re-visiting places that I liked seeing when I visited them before.

4 - explain any philosophical ~epiphany you’ve ever had.

Radical acceptance is a stance that changed my life. For me, that means that I accept what my self asks of me - a day of quiet? Sure, let's have a day of quiet. Chocolate for breakfast because I had a shitty night, sure, let's do that. I feel like shit right now and need to be angry and rail at the world? Yep, roger that, get it out of the system, and then let's do something good to come back to a balanced state of mind.

It also applies to other people in my life. Someone had a bad time and hasn't been able to continue our conversation, so I haven't heard from them in months, even years? And now they're back to say hi? Fuck yeah my friend, I'm glad you're feeling better now. Someone tells me they need to cancel plans we had because they're not feeling good? Thank you for letting me know, of course we'll cancel; I hope you'll feel better soon - and please let me know if I can do anything. I will take what you tell me at face value and in good faith. I will accept you, as you are, because that is how I want to treat people (including myself).

And it applies to life. Granted, that's the hardest: some things aren't easy to accept. And it doesn't mean taking things lying down - accepting doesn't mean liking; accepting just means "this is the way this thing is. I might not like it, but there's no use denying that this is the way this thing is. Now, can I change it?" I'm working on accepting that I am functionally/socially disabled now. There are a ton of things that are impossible for me to do right now, and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to do them again. Denying that, OR railing against that, is futile and counterproductive; it'll only deplete my energy to work out how to live with it. (like I said: not easy.)

5 - talk about a band/tv show/movie/book/fandom you love. why?

I love the Bering and Wells fandom and the friends I made in it. We're a bunch of whackos still talking over a show that stopped airing almost ten years ago; we still write, draw, make gifsets and other kinds of art, for these two goobers that we've all fallen in love with. It's a small fandom, at this point (it never really was huge to begin with), and quite the welcoming place.

6 - what gets you high? (chemical or not, as you wish)

Feels. As outlined in my reply about Deanna Troi above, I can easily feel what someone else is feeling. In the ideal moment, this creates such a positive feedback loop that I'm on top of the world. Even outside that feedback loop with others, I can call up any feeling within myself like someone putting a song on their internal jukebox - "oh, what shall we feel right now: love? Sure, a classic, let's go for it." And just like that, I feel love - for a person, for a place, for a song, for the whole world. And that's a pretty big fucking high, that is.

7 - would you rather die in a day or live forever? why?

Live forever. I'm so curious where we'll go, as a society. (I'm also often disillusioned and salty and unspeakably angry, but that hasn't diminished my lust for life yet.) If it's a choice between only these two options? Live forever.

8 - if you could create an ideal nation/political system, what would it be like?

I actually don't mind the one I'm living in - capitalism, but (hear me out, please, I'm not talking about the US/UK system, which is fucked) with checks and balances: social market economy. Sure, it could be better than what we're currently doing with it. UBI would be my first big change, and a big shift towards the left with regards to taxes and what they'll finance, and corporations and what they'll no longer be allowed etc etc. But yeah, we're not doing so badly over here.

9 - what’s your favorite story (in any form - book, tv, fanfic, storytelling, comics, song, anything)?

For people (the protagonist for sure, but others in the narrative as well) to find love. Be that romantic love, a found family kind of scenario (and if that merges with biological/legal family situations, i.e. someone in that group marrying or having a kid, sure, the more the merrier no matter what family bonds there are), friendship/platonic love, mentoring, etc. etc. The predominant emotion of my childhood and teenage years was a profound sense of loneliness, and I'm a sucker for stories in which people find a place where they aren't lonely anymore.

10 - if you have any tattoos, and/or if you were to get any tattoos, what are they?

I still want to get a tattoo that symbolizes my writing and Bering and Wells, and I also want to get one to remind myself that being highly sensitive is something to accept about myself and take pride in, even if it's hard to bear sometimes. Not sure yet what to do about the latter; I'm thinking of a flower or plant that is difficult to cultivate (needs the exact right conditions to thrive) but is also very beautiful if you can get it to thrive.

11 - if you could go forward/back in time to any year, when would you go to and what would you do? (you have the option to come back.)

Might go back and tell myself to actually take the step to break up with the people I stayed with out of a desire to make it work, until *they* broke up with me in turn? Then again, might go back even further and try to prevent Reagan and Thatcher from being elected? Then again, might go back EVEN further and have a dinner date with Katharine Hepburn, or Sappho herself.

Not going forward because, remember, I'm living forever anyway. I'll get there in time. The long way around.

[vynsvision]

Detective Darius Morgan Headcanons

Listen. I know there's hardly any content of him. I dont know how much this will be appreciated. But if the same for 4 people who saw my post asking if anyone wanted this see it, I win.

Be warned, its 2k words (just under, probably) because I have nothing to do at work. At all. *deepest of sighs*

Should be SFW!!! Some things are referenced but im not in the mood to talk about too much Naughtiness so its SFW.

If the flow is weird, my apologies. I tried to group stuff together and so I may have gone back to sections where the next section goes off something I said in part of the section above... you'll understand as you read.

I'm gonna start with casual, out of work attire. I genuinely don't think you would find him in loungewear EVER outside his home. So no sweatpants.... although maybe a sweatshirt on laundry day. I'm also thinking, even though he probably doesn't get a fat paycheque, he tries to dress well. He doesn't think about fashion but good lord, Marius wouldn't believe it. "I just buy what looks nice." in the once in three blue moons that he actually goes to get new clothes. He works every day, probably, so anything that's not work is casual and probably very worn.

I think, yanno those like school varsity football jackets? Um yeah he still wears his. Its not because he tries to show off, but those things are comfortable, warm, and if he happens to be with someone who forgets to bring a warm layer, he can give it to them and he secretly loves watching their expressions.

("Oh... my god this is so warm!" "Mhmm." "I'm keeping this forever. Sorry, its mine now." "Is your last name Morgan too, then? Huh, I didn't know." Motherfucker.)

P.s: he hates suits even if his work uniform is basically a suit without the suit jacket. If he has to wear a suit, its all black. That is all. Also yes he would wear the three-piece suit. Go all out or nothing. Maybe a dark blue vest for some flavor with a matching tie.... idk. Brainrot of Darius in an all black three-piece suit........... suspenders......... aaah... yep.

Ok speaking of. I really don't think he's super chatty. He's tired. I'm honestly thinking very Eddie Brock (Venom) vibes with him tbfh. But I think when he does talk, he's slick as FUCK. He probably likes to see you blush as your scramble for a response. Hes smooth tho. He doesnt let you scramble for long. Also would ruffle your hair (if you have some and didn't stop him). He chuckles a lot. I imagine his voice as deep, but since I play TOT with the sounds off, idk if they have a voice actor for him. But look at him. Hes got a great morning voice oh good lord now im thinking about his morning voice aaaaaah crap.

I also think, once a relationship is established, hes very doting and soft. Hes protective- he knows who he is, he knows that the police are not loved. (And he knows why. Honestly I'm not sure how to... write about that, though, and its also not my place to... so anyone who'd like to write about that may. Just yanno remember to be respectful to people and irl events.) So he knows that if he fucks up or a mistake comes to bite him in the ass, you might be in danger. He knows you can probably handle yourself, but he also thinks of all the worst scenarios. He doesn't want the most important person to him in any danger.

Honestly I think he would be very reluctant to a relationship. But, unlike three of the boys (Luke, Artem, and Marius), he and Vyn have something in common- hes definitely at least had some one-night-stands. Maybe after particularly rough days or weeks. Stress coping. Not gonna talk about if its wise or not.

Because, like, come on. Hes at leeeeast thirty, making him older than the boys. So he may be experienced in bed, but romance is tricky and he denies or hides his feeling like a teenager afraid of his crush. (Re: ohmygod they would be in danger tho if I confessed oh no I can never tell them!) Of course, he would confess while expressing that he is worried about you.

He also loves to see you in his blue uniform shirt. I dont know if either of you acknowledge it aloud, but since you grabbed it and put it on that one time... yeah. Yep.

But yeah hes a softy underneath all the brooding and tired exterior.

(Bonus: If u like... uh.... his cuffs..... yep thats all)

I dont believe he can cook much. Like, beyond the basics, he has like. 2 dishes that he can reliably cook. Hes a simple man, he knows how to vary them, but come on, its not like he has much time to cook stuff. You realize this quickly and while you dont have much time either, you meet him halfway... or more than halfway. Also, hey, carryout/delivery isn't so bad every once in a while. He'll work on it if you bring it up. He doesn't really notice until you do. Thats the first time you see him embarrassed. He's kinda cute as he apologizes, and it makes up for your slight annoyance at eating the meal for the third time. Hes used to his way of living, he might (definitely) forget people live differently than he does. Hes cute, I forgive him.

As a boyfriend, he does his darnedest. He literally doesn't care what he does with you, as long as its with you. When you ask him for date ideas, he thinks of some favors he can cash in to show you secret or expensive places. Those upper class jerks are good for one thing, if it makes you smile and if it impresses you. Because, of course, hes been here when it opened, so his attention is on you. (His eyes may not be, but hes much more attentive than you notice.)

I feel like hes the kind of person to snap candids of you an you dont even notice. I dont know how he would do it, but I really think he would want to remember and capture sweet moments with you. He doesnt tell you or show you these pictures, and they aren't, like, ones where you're exposed (....most of them, at least. He doesn't take pictures of you asleep for damn sure, you're not a pet.), but he just keeps them to himself. He forgets that you either know his passcode or you have your fingerprint saved in his phone, and you happen to see it because he had the album last open on his phone. Hes a sucker.

At the beginning of your relationship, I think he made a note in his notes app where he writes down your birthday, or favorite color, or things like that. Hes afraid of forgetting those things. He could never forget the day he met you, nor when the two of you admitted your feelings for each other, or when you went on your first date. He knows those dates. Hes quiet- hes thinking of those things. He doesn't mind being distracted by you.

He tries not to be super possessive because he admires your independence, but sometimes he snaps at someone like when Artem asks you to come in to work on a case on your day off. Scary Darius.

He likes holding your hand when you cross streets.

I dont think he would get jealous easily. He knows that, before he confesses, he hasn't told you, so he has no right to be upset if you flirt or spend time with someone else. And when you're together, he knows where you end up at the end of the day, so hes secure in that. If anything, if someone flirts with you and makes you uncomfortable, he checks with you first (in case you wanna defend yourself), then gives a death glare to the unlucky person. Even if you flirt back comfortably, again, he knows where the two of you end up. You in his arms, the other person unfortunately ~probably~ all alone, boohoo.

I have gotta say, I think sometimes he forgets to close doors all the way. He doesn't do it on purpose, hes just not used to people being in his home. He always puts the toilet seat down (if that applies), but cabinet doors or room doors can sometimes be left just slightly open.

His walls are kinda bare. What art he does have are monuments or architectural things. Stellis is very sleek and modern, but he knows about the older buildings. When someone else at work is reluctant to go into centuries-old buildings because they're creepy, he pretends to be annoyed but inwardly hes comfortable in them and goes without fear.

His home is usually clean, too. Its partially because he doesn't spend much time there, but also because he cleans things after use. So things aren't spick and span, but his apartment is presentable if you happen to drop by.

He shares something with Luke- i think the two of them are the only ones with any sort of pectorals. Yanno, them man boobs. Juicy muscle on the chest. (I simply refuse to believe the other boys have any beyond abs or, yanno, tone. Luke and Darius could have a nice arm wrestling match, no im not gonna say who wins.)

He tries to keep a cactus alive. He writes down when he waters it to be sure not to overwater it. Its name is Alfred and Alfred knows everything about you. He lives in the kitchen and Darius talks to him when hes cooking or nursing coffee or beer. Hes a beer guy.

I'm not sure if hes a cat person or a dog person. I think he would get along with either well. I dont know if he would have a pet, because he often has long days, and even cats need attention. Maybe if he ever gets to retire he'll get a pet. Beside himself, Alfred is the only thing living in the apartment.

He does have co-workers he spends time with outside of work. Methinks its usually at a bar or someplace like that.

I think he calls his parents every once in a while. More frequently after you start dating him. I also feel like he has a sibling but I dont know if they're older or younger. Methinks an older sister? What if she's a lawyer too!!!

(Plot twist- Celestine and Darius are related. Big just joking.... but his older sister is much like Celestine. He likes working with her.)

Idk where to put this but !! Hes a podcast guy. He listens to podcasts rather than music. He dislikes true crime with a passion (literally dont get him started because if you do, he, rightfully so, will talk for like a whole ten minutes and you won't be sure if you should be excited he talked for that long STRAIGHT or if he's ok) but he won't say anything if you listen to it. To each their own. I think he listens to podcasts talking about, like architecture or, like... news, or something. He knows what's going on in the world. Hes the first to deck any asshole. Not physically, tho. It takes a lot to get him to physical action. He has a killer glare, he knows how to insult someone (hes gotten his (un)fair share of insults or heard them thrown around). He knows how to intimidate. Usually, he can get someone to chill out or leave. If not, he would take anything outside. I think he would try not to flash his badge. If he's off the clock, he doesnt work for the city. Idk deTECtive Darius Morgan, only Darius. I dont think he likes attention.

Oh God this was much longer than I thought. I thought I would type a bit about his clothes, maybe a few habits. Good lord.

I hope someone enjoyed! If you have any of your own ideas, definitely let me know! If you agree or disagree. We literally have so little to go on that any of us could be right.

I... might post a NSFW batch at some point, but I also feel like it would be more telling of me than him, beside the things in this post. So yanno. Maybe we can just imagine.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

May 2021 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

It’s a cray cray Friday when Vietnam gets its eng subs up before GMMTV Thailand. What alter-reality are we in? Well, the Vietnamese offerings are better right now anyway. (Oooo, feel that burn.) 

Ongoing Series - Thai

Top Secret Together Ep 2 - pulping it up in the best possible way. Sure sound and production values are pants, and in classic Thai fashion the editing in post is exacerbating (rather than fixing) pacing issues, but it’s still CUTE AF. I don’t even mind the added university storyline, because they’ve got good chemistry (and a confident gay fresher after a panicked gay hazer is an old favorite... what can I say, SOTUS was my first love). We aren’t spending too much time with any one couple, so it’s weighted a lot better than Brothers was, but also character development is slow. 

Siew Sum Noi Ep 2 - Unfortunately, it’s just too hard to find, plus no subs. I’m dropping it in the hopes it comes back on my radar some day. 

Y-Destiny Ep 8 - (Thurs) It’s rough having a ghost boyfriend, half your friends are scared, the other half think you’re crazy, and kissing shortens your lifespan. This was a cute couple even if I wasn’t wild about the surrounding story. 

Close Friend Ep 5: (Dear My Star/JimmyTommy) - about high school penpals. It had to rely entirely on voice over work as the actors only meet face to face at the end. It’s a good thing they are appealing screen presences on their own, with good vocal control. It’s hard to imagine any other BL pair carrying this kinda plot. It’s by far my favorite of the series so far, and I’m not even a big JimmyTommy fan. 

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 7 - no subs. Do we care? Not really. Because we have... 

Nitiman Ep 3 - currently my favorite out of Thailand. It’s the university Thai BL i’ve been waiting for since... when was the last good one? My Engineer? Yowza. Anyway we got: head on my shoulder, baby is a floppy drunk (but still wants to be in control), proximity alert, boyfriend’s closet, seme gets seriously jelly, and a cute twist on feeding him. There’s something fun and complex about Jin’s character. He’s not a panicked bi. He knows exactly what’s going on, he just hasn’t decided if he wants Bb or not. He clearly enjoys being looked after, the compliments, and the attention, but he’s not sure if he’s going to like what happens if he gives in. I like that twist on the usual tsundere uke archetype a lot, cautious rather than willfully obtuse or freaked out. We can see Jin realizing in stages: I like this person, I like that they like me, I like the romantic attentiveness. But in the background is... do I actually want to f*k him? It’s a dynamic we don’t often see on BL. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 10 fin - the most ridiculous show using BLs worst tropes in a sort of weird smoothie of bitter greens and too ripe banana. The ending was the sappiest cheesiest thing ever, like cheese syrup tapped from the cheese tree. So of course I loved it, but I’m pretty sure I giggled through all the bits meant to be profound. Because, in the end, to tolerate this show at all, you just can’t take ANY of it seriously. RECOMMENDED (with some SERIOUS reservations and trigger warnings.) Full review here. 

Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan) Ep 1-2 - I don’t mind a damaged seme character but this one is a bit weird for me. Like creepy Cheese in the Trap level weird. On the bright side, the story has given our tsundere uke good motivation for his angst and great existing friendships, loyalty, and likability. Plus I’m invested in the cafe owner/innocent puppy side dishes. So if it’s only the seme character I’m not jiving with, and he’s the most established actor, it should all turn out fine. I believe in you, Taiwanese BL. 

Papa & Daddy (Taiwan) Ep 6 fin - speaking of belief. This such a good show but they gave us a cliffhanger ending. Now we must hope against hope for season two. That’s never guaranteed with Taiwan tho. So, I’m docking a few points and saying, RECOMMENDED so long as you realize it’s a cliffhanger. 

Love is Science? (Taiwan) Ep 1-9 (BL subplot) - this is a good het romance, but the fact that the BL subplot is a beautifully acted disaster bi + confident gay means you’re hearing about it whether you want to or not. Plus they just added in some GL! Come on! I gotta support Taiwan normalizing queer to this extent. They are fighting the good fight and if I also have to watch a career lady and her much younger softest straight boi get it on, too? Twist my arm with that service sub subtext. Go on Taiwan, TWIST IT. It’s on Viki. Join the revolution.   * Incidentally if you actually like the D/s het dynamic of this show, I highly recommend Japanese Kimi wa Petto - career woman keeps a hot young dancer boy as a pet. Oh yes, an actual pet, that IS the pitch. Never doubt Japan when kink is on the line. It’s also on Viki. Go get your kink on, thank me later. (If it helps: That was not a request.)  

Most Peaceful Place 2 (Vietnam) Ep 2 (AKA 5) - love triangles aren’t my thing, but if you’re gonna do it short form, by all means bring in the lead’s other BL pairing so the chemistry is on point. Now I've no idea who I want him to end up with. Can’t they just be in a poly triad? 

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 7 - I’m still enjoying it a lot. It’s still unabashedly queer and the tension is ramping up. We now have secret identity, blackmail, femme fatale, faen fatale, and incoming seme confrontation. Best of all, the series is still airing, which makes it longer than any other Vietnamese BL I’ve seen (aside from Tein Bromance - which is just too weird to count). 

Gossip - Thai BL 

SEVEN PROJECT TEASERS

No one is entirely sure what Studio Wabi Sabi’s Seven Project/7Project will entail. 

It might be like Close Friend (1 episode per couple, no linking), 

or Y-Destiny (2 episodes per couple, loosely linked), 

or The En of Love (4 episodes per couple, linked but independent consecutive stories). 

They’re giving the couple’s arcs separate titles. So each one would be what? Seven Project: Once Upon a Time or the like? We’re in Taiwanese title territory people and NO ONE WANTS TO GO THERE. Anygay... 

Once Upon a Time is the BounPrem (og UWMA) anchor story, and seems to be the most dramatic and likely saddest. These two can handle most of what’s thrown at them at this juncture, so it should be good. 

Vs Love is a BoomPeak (og Make it Right) university vehicle. Since I thought Boom was done with our nonsense, I couldn’t be more thrilled and surprised this pair is doing another show together. I don’t think either of them are the greatest actors but I find Peak very endearing and Boom charismatic on screen, so I’ll watch. 

Would You be My Love is the hotly anticipated SantaEarth launch. They’re a (cultivated) IRL ship and Earth is an established BL actor. They have great chemistry and high energy so this could be lots of fun. 

We are also getting a GL from this series from established BL actresses Samantha and Pineare. Nothing teased yet on that, but I’m looking forward to this installment the most. Also curious to see how the ladies handle the branding and promo side, not to mention the culture. (Thailand variety shows gonna force *girls* to play the Pepero game?) 

Secret Crush on You upcoming Thai BL with no release date, co-produced by and featuring (but NOT staring) Saint and directed by Cheewin (sigh) with all fresh faces. (Previously known as Stalker the series.) It looks like pure pulp and I’m not wild about the plot but could be better than expected as it’s adapted from a novel. Cheewin is an okay director when he has an actual story to follow. 

Don’t Say No the series. Coming from the producers of TharnType this is the JaFirst vehicle many have been waiting for. Friends to lovers + a good boy/bad boy pairing on a sports romance foundation. It’s basketball so they tapped Meen as well (he’s semi-pro). The bad news? You get one guess as to who is writing the darn thing? Yep it’s MAME. So, ya know, expect some slam dunk kidnapping, a light dribbling of rape, and me turning into a basketcase. AKA... 

Will I have to live blog this series in order to survive it? That seems to be the only way I can. So probably. Which means the bad sports puns will continue. Look, if I’m suffering, SO ARE YOU! 

Rumors of a new YinWar vehicle The Best Story (mini series) coming in July. Also rumors that their previously announced Love Mechanics (full length series) has either been delayed, is facing money issues, or is moving studios, or all three. 

Breaking News 

DELAYED (I’m talking these three off the watch list until we get new airing dates) 

Love Area’s release was pushed out but it got a trailer. 

Golden Blood was supposed to drop Weds but comments in MDL report that it is delayed due to C19.  

Love’s Outlet (Taiwan) is supposed to have started a 50 episode run (only 3-5 min each, what utter nonsense). Sadly, this delay is due to a surge in cases in Taiwan which was doing so well, but also doesn’t have many inoculations. 

Bad Buddy has started workshopping at GMMTV actual. 

Kang Insoo’s BTS for Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding is SO FLIPPING CUTE. You have to watch it. Trust me, I don’t rec behind the scenes stuff often. 

Next Week Looks Like This: 

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

[kinktae]

beyond the story: bitchin’

Hi friends! I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during these tough times! I really wanted to put something out there as a thank you to just how much support Bitchin’ got. You guys really are incredible. So, although this story has come to an end, I wanted to properly close the Bitchin’ chapter by giving you all a behind the scenes look at Bitchin’ and everything that went into writing it. This includes hidden easter eggs, backstories, alternative plot-lines, and a short drabble of the Bitchin’ cast 10 years after the story’s end.

Without further ado, please enjoy and thank you again for all your love. You have all of mine.

CHAPTER ONE – PARTNERS

Ah, yes, the start of this whole wild ride. I’ve always loved the whole nerd/popular person trope in fanfics, so it was only a matter of time before I tried my hand at it too. One thing I was adamant about was not making this a “popular person turns nerd hot/confident/better” fic as its kind of one of my least favorite cliches. With that in mind, and knowing that I was going to allude to TATBILB’s contract, I decided that I wanted Y/N to gain as much from the deal as Jungkook did. No blackmail, no just agreeing for the hell of it – Y/N was going to further herself and her dreams given the opportunity.

The beginning of the chapter is where the two are most separated and dissimilar throughout the whole story. It wasn’t that they were fundamentally different, it was that they approached life differently. Y/N was frustrated at how superficial Jungkook seemed, because she believes there is much more to life than just kicking your feet up and cracking jokes.

On the other hand, Jungkook didn’t understand why Y/N was so tense and on guard. To him, life was meant to enjoy and not take so seriously. Which makes sense, given that he grew up with minimal rules and minimal worries (bare minimum partners wassup !) 

“So, do we have a deal? Partners?” There was mischievous timber to his words, the kind that made you feel as if this would all later come back to bite you in the ass.

Pushing that pestering thought away, you took his hand into yours, holding his eyes as you gave it a firm shake.

“Partners.”

God, this bit. I knew from the minute I wrote it that I was writing the ending of bitchin’ along with it. I knew this was exactly how I was going to end this story, bc the word partners has multiple means right? In chapter 1, this meant business partners, but in the final chapter… it means life partners. Idk, I’m just still really happy with this writing decision :D

CHAPTER TWO – THE CONTRACT

Dearest Yara. We meet her in chapter two don’t we? Yara is completely based off of my irl best friend Yara who is a writer and who helped me A LOT with this story. She was my biggest supporter throughout figuring out this crazy plot. It was initially only about seven parts, but with her help I managed to bump it up to 10! Everybody say thank you Yaraaaa.

You were angry, that much was evident to her. Yara was sat in your shared dorm’s living room, a thick blanket engulfing her small frame. You briefly glanced towards the TV, it was tuned into MTV, the familiar music video of Every Breath You Take by The Police playing, before directing your glare back onto the copper-haired girl.

The song reference is a direct allusion to writer Yara’s fic, which is one of my favorite fics by her. She was actively writing it around the start of our friendship so it only felt right to pay respects to her. The introduction of her character felt necessary imo bc I wanted to make sure Y/N had a life outside Jungkook. Plus, I got to use the scenes between the two girls as a way to reference the music and culture scene. Yara is especially a fan of the powerful women in the music industry at the time, i.e., Madonna, Annie Lennox, Cyndi Laupner, etc.) Yara is a raging feminist and believer in sexual freedom and libery for women, we do in fact have to stan.

“How old do you think your sister is?”

“Hey, don’t sass me. For your information, Lyanna still has all her Care Bear tapes. She threw a hissy fit when my mom tried to give them away last Christmas.” Yara recalled.

Lyanna is one of writer Yara’s past pseudonyms. She always used to joke about how whenever she read it, it was confusing because there was Y/N, Yara and Lyanna, which were technically all her lolol.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE CONTRACT I INSERTED INTO THIS PICTURE… Twitter found it and made it into somewhat of a meme because no one knew it came from a fic rip. I was actually rly embarrassed and even wrote some posts about how much twitter scared me on my blog LMAO. but THEN weirdly enough, I actually stumbled upon a small community on twitter who actually found my fic and would TWEET ABOUT IT!!! LIKE REACTIONS TO EACH UPDATE!!! I wish I could go back in time and remember how giddy I was the first time I found a tweet about my fic. The fanfic community on twitter gave me a new love for the site (which I had previously had removed myself from because of its toxicity) and I have met so many wonderful people because of it. People even made themselves a little twitter group chat to talk about my fics, and now we are all friends! I miss posting a chapter of bitchin’ and refreshing my twitter feed as all my mutuals would post memes and live tweet their reactions. God that made me so fucking happy.

CHAPTER THREE – THE ROLLERSKATING DATE

I love the bickering in this chapter, because unlike the bickering in the first chapter, it’s actually less hostile and more playful. Y/N is slowly letting her guard down to the very persistently charming Jungkook.

“Woah. Family of six, huh? So you have siblings then.” He noted.

“Yep. Three.”

“Tell me about them.”

Looking up from where you were slipping on your second skate, you met Jungkook’s eyes, surprised to see genuine interest in them.

I actually originally had Y/N brush him off here. I was going to wait until the drunk party scene for Y/N to open up about her family and relationship with her sisters. But then I kind of thought to myself… Why? Y/N made peace with it and doesn’t hold onto those insecurities anymore. And objectively, Jungkook hasn’t proven himself to be a bad person so… I let Y/N open herself up to him.

“Then there’s the twins, Rosa and Lia.”

“Hold on. Twins? Wait… did they go to our high school?” Jungkook asked, his interest in this conversation doubled.

“Yep. They were two grades above us.” You confirmed.

“Oh shit, yeah, I remember your sisters, they were mad hot.” Jungkook let out a low whistle, before stiffening, flashing you an apologetic look. “Uh, in a totally non-meathead way.”

You offered the scared-looking boy a small smile, shaking your head.

Some of y’all notice but, Rosa and Lia are a blatant homage to my name: Roselia. ACTUALLY some form of my name can be found in every one of the rewind series fics, including upcoming ones. I’ll give a cookie to whoever can find every single mention hehe.

“I told you it was dumb.” You laughed nervously.

It wasn’t that you cared much about what Jungkook thought but you had a feeling a guy like him, who was popular and carefree, wouldn’t be able to sympathize in the way you would like him to.

“No, I’m just… surprised, that’s all.”

Jungkook certainly was surprised. You had built up quite the impression on him from the very moment you two met. It was hard to imagine that the girl who was so unapologetically herself was ever unsure or insecure.

Somehow, the idea tugged at his heart, as if he understood you more if only just a little.

From the get go, Jungkook was extremely drawn to just how confident and secure Y/N was in herself. I knew I wanted Y/N to be unapologetically sure of herself and in her abilities. Something I didn’t want, however, was for frat boy!jungkook’s only personality traits to be liking sex and being a cocky bastard (although I am a big consumer of that trope heh). Jungkook is actually canonly incredibly insecure. He lacks a real sense of self, which is why he is so desperate for Kiri back. His relationship with Kiri at that time was a big part of what he thought was himself. He has somewhat of low self esteem tbh which is why he’ll go back to a woman who treated him unfairly. That’s why he comes off the way he does in the first chapter and why Y/N thinks he has a big ego... he’s overcompensating. He finds it so endlessly fascinating that Y/N, in all her confident glory, was actually once super insecure. He admires her all the more once she opens up about her past.

“Oh, Rosa is an intern for our hometown’s newspaper but between you and me those assholes don’t even let her write. She does coffee and burger runs for men in charge. And Lia sells ice cream at the mall.”

“What about your brother?” Jungkook asked.

“He’s training to be a cop just like my dad.”

“And your mom?”

“She works at a convenience store.”

All their careers resemble people in the latest Stranger Things season (Nancy, Steve, Hopper, and Joyce). Fun Cameo there.

“What’s wrong?” You wondered, following his eyes.

“October 16th, 1985. 6:48PM.”

“Yes. That’s today’s date and time. What about it?” You pressed, growing confused.

“Remember it.” He warned.

“Why?”

“It’s when I fell in love with you.”

This iconic line I actually got from the real Jeon Jungkook himself. While Jungkook wasn’t actually in love with Y/N here, it certainly was a cute way for him to express his admiration for her.

OH HERE’S A FUN FACT: the hickey scene at the end of this chapter where JK and Y/N kiss for the first time was actually supposed to be Yara giving Y/N the hickey like the best friend she is. Ultimately I went with JK giving it for... smut purposes... ≖‿≖ 

CHAPTER FOUR – THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

The decision for Y/N to be Freddie Krueger came from me planning to be him for Halloween. And I was! JK as Glen Lantz just followed naturally. I’ve seen some great edits of him as the character. Truly chef’s kiss.

I really liked that Jungkook came over to the girl’s dorm to get ready. I didn’t want a scene where Y/N was thrown into a situation she was uncomfortable with which is how much Nerd At A Party Scene go so made sure Jungkook stayed by her side throughout the part, going out of his way to introducing her to the people he cared about.

Tae’s character came in when I realized I needed a way to actually put Y/N’s event in motion. He was the missing link and BOY did you guys eat his character right up huh. Love that for me.

Another thing, the confrontation with Kiri was so hard to write guys, I reeaaaally struggle with girl conflict. GIRLS SHOULD SUPPORT GIRLS. However, not everyone gets along in real life so I went with Kiri being more along the lines of petty rather than outwardly a cunt to Y/N. Realistically, Kiri is popular and well liked among the greek life so being unkind to someone she hardly knows wouldn’t make sense. There’s definitely tension between these two but I tried my best to steer away from the typical cat fight/revenge porn/public humiliation trope most movies seem to follow.

CHAPTER FIVE – THE FIRST TIME

Introduction to Erik!!!! It was really important to me that Y/N had a life before Jungkook. That's why I wrote in Y/N having a fiancé. She’s not opposed to love, she just has reshifted her focus. She knows what she wants and is choosing to focus on that, which why when she realizes she’s falling for Kookie she’s so hesitant to admit it because she’s fallen down that road before. Even though Jungkook treats her with respect and acknowledges the parts of her she’s most proud of, she just isn’t willing to possibly give up her passions for love. Which is why she doesn’t immediately confess to him, even once she’s sure she loves him.

“I’m serious, nerd. You’re like… um… the sun!” Jungkook marveled, eyes growing full as the realization dawned on him.

“The sun?” You laughed.

“Yeah, like… you’re this bright, beautiful thing that seems like it’s here in front of me but is really light-years away.”

Jungkook was drunk, and although you were sure he was making more sense in his head, you couldn’t help but feel your face grow hot, unsure of how to react to his drunk analogy.

“You’re the sun, Y/N. You make the world turn for you. Never orbit for anyone else.”

And suddenly, you were kissing him, for no other reason other than you wanted to and that it felt like the right thing to do.

No real commentary here. Just love this bit. It’s probably my favorite interaction between them two ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) 

“Also… She’s, uh, currently dating Eunwoo.” You told Yara.

Your best friend blinked, silence falling over her.

“Yara?”

“Good for her.” She perked up almost forcibly. “Let her put up with his annoying ass.”

Yara could see the way your expression had turned dubious as if you didn’t believe her nonchalant act.

Yara turned up her nose defensively, “What?”

Ugh yes, some character development from Yara.... the flavor ! Yara (much like Y/N and JK) also struggles with love. She has a real fear of commitment and if far more comfortable with casual sex than relationships. She did develop actual feelings for Eunwoo, she just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment so she cut him off. Fleed the scene if you will. Typical gemini smh my head.

"I don’t think the contract mentioned orgasms.” Jungkook smirked as you released his thumb.

“I say we let it slide.” You shrugged, leaning into him casually.

“You think?”

“Totally. Think of it as… a bonding activity.” You joked, resting your chin on his shoulder, peering up through your lashes.

“Damn, we’re really committed to this fake dating thing, huh.”

You laughed in the way that you hated, but Jungkook loved; it was loud and abrupt, but it genuine, and it was you.

“What can I say, I’m a method actor.” You sighed dramatically, causing Jungkook to grin before pressing a kiss to your nose, simply because he liked the way it always seemed to make you smile.

GOD THEY’RE SO WHIPPED FOR EACH OTHER ITS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I’m really happy I decided not to make sleeping together a big deal and I got a lot of feedback from you guys agreeing! I had a lot of fun with these two’s sex scenes knowing they could do it whenever they wanted.

CHAPTER SIX – THE STEM EVENT

I started the scene with smut BUT I wanted to point out that much of their time spent together is at Y/N dorm, Jungkook either napping, hanging out or doing work as Y/N would study like she always did. I liked the idea that Jungkook would get bored and would want attention from Y/N because she was so focused. Idk, I just wanted to write a love story about two people spending time together and figuring out how they fit in each other’s lives as opposed to some dramatic I mEeT HiM aNd mY LiFe bEcAmE cRaZy. There’s nothing wrong with that plot line, I just didn’t want that for these two dorks. I wanted Y/N to interact with JK’s scene and crowd but not give up her own which is why most days JK and her just lounged around in her dorm studying.

Also, I don’t know how the teacher/student roleplay made it into the smut, it just did, no further questions (ʃ⌣́_⌣́ƪ).

Then the event scene.

“You’re whipped, dude! Seriously.”

Jungkook felt his face go red, “Shut up, no, I’m not.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I get it. That’s your girl.” Taehyung shrugged. Jungkook placed a hand on the fold up table in front of him, staring down at the information pamphlet you had worked so hard on.

“She’s just… so fucking driven and passionate about everything she does. Sometimes I look at her, and I’m just like… holy shit, what am I doing with a girl like her? I feel like she’s totally out of my league and being with me is holding her back but— I dunno, man. I just… really like her.” Jungkook revealed, voice growing small.

An unexpected wave of tenderness fell over the two boys, Taehyung throwing an arm over his little brother’s shoulder.

“I’m happy for you, bro.”

Jungkook didn’t know it just yet but dude was talking from the heart and, is in fact, totally whipped :’c

I loved the confrontation scene between the boys and Eunwoo because the boys standing up for Yara really did make everyone feel like a friend group, not just some character who happen to exist at the same time. It wasn’t just Y/N and Yara and one side and the boys on the other. They would all become friends, which is ideal to me. A boyfriend who likes your best friend and considers her a friend so you can all hang out??? Yes please.

Initially, irl Yara and I had noooo clue if Yara would end up with Eunwoo or not. That was actually the original goal actually. But after this chapter four, you guys made it ABUNDANTLY clear that you guys wanted to see Taeyara, despite the two never even meeting! Honestly, it wasn’t until this chapter was written that we decided for sure that Eunwoo was out of the picture for Yara. Part of me really wanted to keep Yara single, but irl Yara insisted on dick and frankly, she’s right. Bitchin’ Yara deserved a shot at love. She definitely has her own story outside of Bitchin’ and will experience a lot of growth in the future.

“God, I know. I do not miss that temper of his.” She chuckled, her words piquing your interest.

“Temper?”

“Oh, yeah. Have you seriously not experienced it yet? He’s got some gnarly anger issues. Not to mention all the lying…” Kiri paused suddenly, straightening up as she flashed you an apologetic look. “Yikes, I’m sorry. I totally should not be telling you this. I’m not trying to be that gross girl that shit talks her ex to his current girlfriend.”

Miss Kiri, Miss Kiri. She really acted up this chapter didn’t she. There was a lot of discussion about whether or not those things she said about Jungkook were true. Which was exactly what I wanted hehe. We come to find out that Kiri had definitely stretched the truth. She really is good at manipulation and understanding how people think and it’s why she is in the role that she is in. Messy queen.

CHAPTER SEVEN – THE ROOFTOP DATE

This entire chapter was inspired by High School Musical with Troy and Gabriella’s rooftop garden scenes. This was my shortest chapter and honestly, probably not my strongest. I definitely went into writing this with zero concept of what I actually wanted to happen. Usually when I write my chapters I have a 4k long outline of it beforehand that I go off of. Not this one though. I really just winged it and I tried my best to write a chapter that really showed off (dialogue wise) just how this couple bounces off each other. I do really like some of the banter they have in this chapter.

You had taken note a little wooden popsicle stick poking up from the soil of the yellow flowers. Acacias, they were marked. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you considered his words.

Yellow acacias stands the value of true friendship and can indicate a secret love! I thought that was very appropriate given these dummies' relationship.

“So, you probably know why I brought you here.”

You nodded.

“You’re proposing, right?”

“Yeah, I– oh, shut up.” He laughed, the serious mood shattering as you joined him.

Even though I knew they were going to have a semi serious talk, what with Y/N asking about what Kiri had told her, these two dufuses realistically are just too comfortable with each other to stay serious for too long.

“Hey, I said that out of frustration, I didn’t really mean it. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back soon.” You attempted to comfort him, hoping to sound sincere.

“Even if that’s true, I’m not entirely sure I want that anymore.”

“What?” You blinked. Jungkook shrugged.

“What about us?” He met your eyes, causing your breath to hitch.

“What about us?”

Jungkook stared at you for a moment, noting the way the timber in your voice had become higher pitched as if panicked.

MORE FUN FACTS LMFAO: I typically do this thing with unplanned chapters where I just go for it and write and usually it works out. But when I wrote this down I remember stopping and being like ??? WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT ??? I don’t like deleting my writing so I had a serious think to myself about whether this was going to be the moment Jungkook confessed or not.

Canonly, I decided that Jungkook did in fact mean ‘us’ in a romantic sense, but because of the way you perceivably panicked at that possible meaning, he decided against taking the conversation in that direction, instead speaking about ‘us’ in a platonic sense. Poor kookie :(

“Stop. Listen to me, Jungkook, you’re a fucking great guy, okay? You’re charismatic and funny and care about your friends… sure, you almost ruined my event, but it was mostly to defend my best friend when Eunwoo got too pushy, right? You’re a good guy, meathead. I know I joke about your ego, but I really believe you’re capable of more than you think you are. Seriously, Kiri is so lucky to be the object of your affection.”

Jungkook watched the way the sun’s orange light kissed your face, a bittersweet feeling growing in his chest as he contemplated the object of his affection. Just a couple of months ago, he would have had no doubt about who held his heart, but as you held his stare, he found himself unsure and yet, entirely sure all the same.

“Jungkook? You okay?” You frowned, catching in the sadness in his eyes.

“Hm? Yeah, yeah. I just… realized something.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“…It doesn’t matter.” He smiled, the gesture hardly reaching his eyes.

It’s in this moment that Jungkook decides that there is no way you hold the same affection towards him that he does to you. He mistakes your words of comfort as you pushing him away. You are so kind and encouraging and Jungkook loves you so much that hearing you insist about him ending back up with Kiri hurts him so bad.

But you are still unsure about your feelings and genuinely believe that's still what Jungkook wants. You’re just being a supportive friend!! :( It isn’t until the end of this chapter when Y/N has her talk with Yara that she realizes, oh man, she’s in deep.

CHAPTER EIGHT – THE MISTAKE

BLAH. This chapter is so BLAH, you know? Having to write this chapter was SO HARD. I texted irl Yara complaining about how much I hated having to put my characters through this and that I wanted to just end the story on chapter 7 and keep them happy forever. BUT ALAS! I had planned for this to happen from the start.

You tasted like the mint of your favorite brand of toothpaste. He imagined if he had caught you any later then the mint would have been accompanied by the taste of coffee, knowing the way you rarely started a day without a cup.

God, he had missed the taste of you.

What you guys didn’t see is Jungkook spending the night with Kiri, and immediately kicking her out, freaking out as the weight of guilt washed over him. He knew he had done nothing wrong, that you weren’t his real girlfriend, and that getting back together with Kiri was exactly what he had signed up for. It was what he should’ve wanted. But it wasn't… because you were what he wanted. And that was exactly what he was going to tell you as he marched over to your apartment.

But he panicked. His mind already decided that your answer to him would be no– that you didn’t feel the same. So he kissed you. He had you in the only way he was allowed to. He was selfish and impulsive and so incredibly scared that he ended up hurting the person he loved the most.

Initially though, I had Jungkook get back together with Kiri, not that he slept with her right before sleeping with Y/N. But I decided TEEHEE let me just make everything erupt into flames. However, I didn’t realize just how angry with Jungkook you guys would get. I remember thinking DAMMIT WAS THAT TOO SCANDALOUS?? I knew I was going to have to work hard for Jungkook to redeem himself to my readers.

“She wants to get back together.” Jungkook swallowed dryly, eyes wavering between yours as if to gauge your reaction.

“…Oh.”

You shook your head.

“I mean, wow! That’s… That’s great!” You smiled, something tearing apart inside you as the words left your lips.

“Y/N–”

“Seriously! This means it worked, right? This is exactly what you wanted to happen.” You enthused, turning your head so that he couldn’t see the way your eyes had welled up.

Jungkook’s heart was pounding in his ears, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around you.

“Yeah… yeah, no, you’re right. We did it.” He replied monotonously.

GOD THIS PART IS SO UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING! JUST ADMIT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER YOU MORONS! This entire situation is so convoluted because there's so much information missing and not being expressed, I seriously want to ring my own neck rereading this bit.

“Are you mad?” He called out cautiously, a heavy feeling falling onto his chest.

“Why would I be mad?” You quipped back sharply, causing Jungkook to flinch. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“I just thought… I mean we’ve been fooling around a lot lately, so I didn’t know if—”

“If what? I had feelings for you?” You scoffed. “Please, as if I’d ever fall for you.”

And there it was— everything Jungkook already knew but had been so afraid to hear. Of course, you didn’t feel for him what he felt for you. How could he have expected anything different?

IDIOTS!!! THEY'RE BOTH IDIOTS!!! I don't know how y'all put up with this for so long. Forgive me.

CHAPTER NINE – THE BREAK

Okay I actually love this chapter. And for many reasons. Let me break down the three scenes for you guys.

Scene one: Kiri confrontation

Kiri is definitely an opposing antagonist. She is constantly working against Y/N because of their interests directly conflicting. BUT. I would argue that the biggest antagonist to this story is the inner ones – Y/N and Jungkook's lack of ability to admit their feelings constantly holding them both back from their happy ending. That being said, a confrontation scene between Y/N and Kiri was MUCH needed. While I suppose I can understand why Kiri doesn't like Y/N, that doesn't change the fact that she has been disrespectful and catty. So miss Y/N had to put Miss Kiri in her place (•̀ᴗ•́)

Scene two: Yara and Tae at the library

Fanservice. That is all. LMFAOOO y'all reallllyyy wanted it to happen and who am I to deny my people what they want. It was really fun getting to explore my side characters and develop them through interactions outside the two main characters. IRL Yara also mentioned giving bitchin’ Yara and Tae their own chapter as a joke and I was like LOL BET. I fully was going to but then I got the idea for the next scene and was like ahh ok maybe not the whole chapter.

Scene three: Meeting with Erik

So. This was a SUPER last minute decision. Like, it wasn’t until I was writing this chapter that I planned on Erik making an appearance. I saw a tweet with someone saying their bitchin theories and they mentioned Erik appearing out of nowhere and I was like,,, HOLD ON!!!! That could be kind of spicy ≖‿≖ 

I knew for a fact JK was NOT going to be forgiven in this chapter; I needed a way to lay the situation out between the two dorks without trying to seem like I was trying to sway my audience in a way that didn't make sense to the story. Y/N was rightfully angry. But she wasn't only angry about the timing of the sex. She was angry that Jungkook went back to Kiri at all and there was no way she was going to admit that. So who better to lay it all out than calculated, unbiased third party Erik. He deserved some character development after all.

I also liked the idea that Y/N had, in theory, “romantic options.” Losing Jungkook didn’t mean the end of her life. Having my female lead stand on her own was very important to me.

CHAPTER TEN – THE END

RIGHT OF THE BAT I needed Jungkook to suffer. So that whole scene where he tries to interact with his old group only for his presence to make everything awkward MMMM yes, sweet revenge on my part.

You were surprised. His hair was no longer shaggy and long like you remembered it. Instead, it had been freshly cut, looking healthy and neatly styled for the first time since you met Jungkook.

THE WAY SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENTED ON THIS LINE “but Y/N liked it long?!?”  IS SO FUNNNYyyyy. So let me clarify a thing. Jungkook had always wanted to cut his hair right. The only reason he didn’t was because Y/N told him not to. With Y/N no longer in the picture to convince him out of it, he cut his hair. That’s really all there is to it skfjsjf.

You know, I had written this part around the time I had just finished up the third ch believe it or not. And it was COMPLETELY different. I had it planned that Yara and Y/N ignored him throughout class and Yara had gone back after the bell rang to go verbally assault JK. And as the two hashed it out, only then was that when Jungkook would realize that he liked Y/N after Yara literally spelled it out for him.

“You like her, dumbass!” Was what I had written Yara saying. I really had written him in denial for ten chapters, I was a whole sociopath (╥﹏╥). But ultimately, I decided that Jungkook came to that conclusion on his own and the decision to apologize to Y/N would have been made over winter break.

“You said Kiri came over asking for you back, yet you still came over and slept with me the next day. Even though the two of you had sex the night before. Do you understand how that makes me feel?”

“I’m—”

“Like garbage!" You emphasized, the white paint of the door somehow irritating you further. "I felt like I was something you threw away and picked back up whenever you felt like getting your dick wet.”

Your chest was rising and falling rapidly, and you tried your hardest to not let your emotions get the best of you.

“Not to mention to everyone else, it looks like you cheated on me. Which makes me look like a fucking idiot." You scoffed.

Jungkook said nothing in reply, which somehow made it easier to say all you should have said that day in your room.

“It just sucks to realize that someone you once cared about sees you as nothing more than a toy. It fucking sucks.”

Man :( writing this hurt my heart. I really, really, love bitchin!y/n and writing her hurting freaking stinks. But she had to speak her mind. She deserves the chance to get everything off her chest with the way Jungkook hurt her.

Your heart and mind were in constant paradox, torn between wanting him back and wanting him to know just how much he had hurt you. Your mind ultimately won the battle, of course, but as Jungkook stood just a few inches of drywood apart pouring his heart out, it was hard to say which major organ was responsible for your next words.

The creak of the door being pushed open sent Jungkook's eyes wide, revealing your hesitant form. You had your arms crossed over your chest as if to guard the contents inside of it.

You looked like an angel underneath the bathroom's blue fluorescent lights, beautiful and lovely, a stark contrast from your next crushing sentence.

“I slept with Erik.”

Hehe. Ofc my girl Y/N had to have a rebound!!! She knows that life goes on. However, as I wrote in, she definitely regretted it. It was kind of the same situation that Jungkook was in where he pursued something just because it was familiar and a distraction and not because he really wanted it. Both Y/N and Jungkook are flawed characters but that’s okay! If anything, Y/N’s mistake of sleeping with Erik is what allows her to forgive Jungkook. Knowing first hand how complicated their entire relationship really was.

“I don’t need you… but I don’t think I want a life without you.” You finished shyly.

Your eyes were locked with his when suddenly a small noise escaped him, eyes pulling away from yours as his head moved to attempt to hide the way his eyes had grown wet.

I got this line from one of my best friends after her ex broke up with her. It made me physically sad and really sympathize with her so I quickly wrote it down into my notes app to save for later LMAOOOO. Knowing that you are your own person and life will inevitably go on after losing someone, but that your heart still wants and is pleading for the one person you can’t have. SO SAD. I’m happy I got to use this line in one of my fics.

The note Jungkook wrote Y/N,,, imagine him not being able to sleep one night over winter break so he just writes down everything he should have told Y/N while he still had the chance…. I’ll for real cry dude, he’s so cute. Also, the line about him buying you fluffy Halloween socks for Christmas went over people’s heads I think but HECK I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND SWEET (because Y/N bought Christmas socks when it was Halloween teehee).

"Are you two dorks done crying?" Yara’s voice rang out suddenly, causing both of you to jump apart.

"Yara, you creep! Privacy, dude! Ever try knocking?" You sniffed, wiping at your face hurriedly.

"What? Like you were peeing with Jungkook in the bathroom? Please." She waved you off, walking back into the living room to give you two some privacy. She did say Jungkook had 15 minutes before she’d have to come back in after all. "Anyway, Tae will be over in 10 minutes for the Saved By The Bell marathon that’s on so you guys are more than welcomed to join." She called out from her newly seated position on the couch.

I included this scene with Yara because things were getting too serious for my liking ngl. Plus the idea that the four of them would all come together at the end for a much needed reunion made my happy bitchin heart soar.

Jungkook let out a laugh, his palm finding your cheek, eyes locked on your lips. You were preening for his kiss, mouth parting slightly as you anticipated it.

“Partners?”

The question took you by surprise, eyes widening at your not so pretend lover.

Idiot.

“Partners.” You smiled softly, eyes shiny and brimming with tears as he kissed you for what must have been the millionth time, but still somehow felt like the first.

UGH I LOVE THEM I REALLY DO. I was so happy with how this final scene came out :( They’re partners, they really are I miss these boneheads.

AND NOW, I PRESENT THE CANON FUTURE OF THE BITCHIN UNIVERSE...

10 YEARS LATER

Let’s be honest, Jungkook popped the question the day of graduation, he can’t imagine a life in which you wouldn’t be beside him

You said yes (shocker)

Cue Jungkook being the most wonderful partner and respecting your wish to finish your residency program before having the wedding

You absolutely kick ass at being a neonatal surgeon

Also, Jungkook started a film company! It’s small but he loves what he does and works with colleges and helps out the film majors with resources and equipment <3

SO IT'S THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING RIGHT

Yara and your sisters are helping you get ready, with your best friend as the ever so reassuring maid of honor

And by that I mean you’re as calm as a cucumber and Yara is one wrong move away from having a stroke

“Y/N… Don’t freak out....The catering company put in two orders of shrimp instead of chicken and steak.”

“Yara, it’s okay.”

“NO ITS NOT???? THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND YOU’RE GETTING CRUSTACEANS.”

Y/N making Yara take a seat and practice some breathing exercises so she doesn’t upset the baby

Oh yeah, Yara is 10 weeks pregnant

Taehyung is the dad lol

Yara and Taehyung have been together ever since that day at the library hehe <3

They moved in together and adopted a cat and everything (sweet boy Tae wanted a dog but Yara’s afraid of dogs and Tae would do anything for that woman so Yeontan the cat it is)

Yara refuses to put a label on their relationship even after all this time, and Tae doesn’t ask for one. They’re happy and dedicated to each other and don’t feel the need to put pressure on something that’s already so perfect

Yara is actually violently in love with Tae but still scoffs when Y/N tries to bring it up

“Oh my god, you’re so in love with him”

“Huh??? you must be sick or something. Get well soon, damn :/”

Yara likes to come up with different labels for Taehyung every time she has to introduce him. Among her favorites are roommate, rent sharer, baby daddy and penis lender

Speaking of Taehyung, he’d have a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder as he tries to calm down the panicking groom to be

“JK, breathe.”

“What if she doesn’t show up? What if she doesn’t want to marry me? What if I pressured her into this and— and I’ve freaked her out and now she hates me?”

“Dude, you guys have been engaged for eight years. She’s had her opportunity to run. She’ll show up.”

Taehyung scruffing up the younger man’s hair reassuringly, which only flusters him more because DAMMIT he wants to look perfect for you and now his hair is messed up >:(

(You like him no matter what his hair looks like though)

Jungkook literally swallowing down a sob as you walk down the aisle and he lays his eyes on you for the first time

You having a dumb smile on your face the entire walk over because your husband to be is crying and you haven’t even exchanged vows yet

The entire audience going all sobby when you finally do exchange vows because they’re so beautiful and real

The ten years together has not been easy— from financial struggles as you tried to support yourself through med school, to personal conflicts when Jungkook wanted to start a family already

But you guys figured it out

You always do

He’s your person. And you are his.

Y/N’s sisters Rosa and Lia are a WRECK— even your dad is tearing up

Your family loves Jungkook and have been counting down the days until you guys married, let’s be honest

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Jungkook punching the air with a “FINALLY!” before kissing the hell out of you

The cutting of the cake inevitably turning into a food fight

The shrimp entrees turning out to be pretty damn good

Yara catching the bouquet and wagging her brows at Taehyung suggestively

Jungkook pulling you aside to take photos of you outside the venue because you look so so pretty and he loves the way you smile when he’s the one behind the camera

The party is in full session, your siblings tearing up the dance floor like the extroverts they are

You and Jungkook are sat at the head of the room, hands intertwined underneath the table as you watch a tired and painfully sober Yara swing her bare feet onto Taehyung’s lap, requesting a foot rub

Watching your pregnant best friend and her lover together, you turned towards your own, smile impossibly wide

“What?”

“Let’s have a baby.” You’d grin, so stupid happy

Jungkook’s eyes going round and immediately jumping up from his seat because god that’s all he’s ever wanted

Being tugged out the room by a giddy Jungkook, one of your heels flinging off somewhere behind you.

“What’s happening? Where are we going?!”

The two of you find yourself in a storage room somewhere on the hotel floor

“Jeon Jungkook, what the hell—“

His mouth find yourself, kissing you in a way that couldn’t at the altar

You kissed him back without questions, arms wrapping around the man you now called your husband

“I love you.” He’d sigh into your neck, his hot breath causing you to shiver

“I love you too.”

“Let’s make a baby.”

“Yeah let’s— wait, right here? Right now?!”

Jungkook merely nodding as his mouth found the exposed skin of your chest

“Meathead, we can’t just ditch our wedding to have sex!”

“Why not? We did our marital duties. Now it’s our guests' job to get embarrassingly drunk and make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. No one will even miss us.”

“Isn’t baby making what our honeymoon is for?”

“Screw that. I’ve done my waiting. Let’s start our family, nerd.”

Jungkook kissing your protests silent before you inevitably give in and let him take you right there and then, your wedding dress hung around your hips

Husband and wife coming together with shaky breaths and hushed moans as they promise the rest of their lives to each other, making every argument, struggle or moment of uncertainty leading up to now totally worth it

Walk of shame back into the party with nervous hair fixing from you and a proud grin from Jungkook

Yara figuring out exactly why you two had sneaked off to, flashing the newly weds a knowing smirk

The night of your wedding, Jungkook surprises you with a present

You unwrap it in confusion, only to see that it’s a glass frame and inside of it is the wrinkled and worn out lined paper the two of you had scribbled on many many years ago

Jungkook hangs up the contract right above your bed as per your request, smiling as he does and jumping on him the moment he puts down the hammer bc dammit it you’re too heckin excited to make love with your sentimental loser of a husband

And yes, by the next month, you are pregnant and incredibly happy

And of course, your daughter and Yara’s son grow up to be best friends, not a family holiday passing by where they aren’t told the story of the totally bitchin’ way both set of their parents got together

[acourtesanofedgewater]

Open Heart 3 Ch. 8 SPOILERS for Bryce/Raf/Jackie Stans

I know I'm one day late. Blame PB for releasing the scripts so late. Why they even did that? Idk. It's not like this chapter is good.

Oh, here we are again. Honestly guys? I'm pissed off lmao. And you will be too when you're done reading this. But enough talking, let's begin. Beware, spoilers below the cut

Let's start with Bryce

•He DOES make an appearance this chapter AND has a diamond scene. Should we celebrate? Nah. It seems the only options with characters who-are-not-Ethan in this book are not having appearances at all or having mediocre little plots when they do appear. He makes his cameo at the begging. He's in the lobby with a friend of his, who's sick and wants Bryce to operate on him but Bryce seems reluctant to do so because it's a dangerous surgery. Does it have anything to do with his failed surgery? We won't find out, because instead of his premium scene being about... idk, having a coffee while he tells us about the consequences of his mistakes (not only at work, but also mentally), it is about... visiting a Escape Room with him and his friend? Um, ok. Should I mention that Bryce's pal call MC his 'friend' twice? Yep, PB still refuses to acknowledge MC's relationship with Bryce, even though they've been together for two years and shared a tender moment when MC was about to die. When I was reading the scene, I was like "uuugh, let me guess? we get this corny funny scene and near the ending Bryce and MC find a hideout to make out". Turns out I was wrong lmao. I expect nothing and I'm still let down. They just share a little kiss I front of Bryce's friend when they are leaving the Escape Room. It is mentioned they all are gonna have dinner after this, but we don't get to see that because that would mean PB has to actually write interesting dialogue and develop Bryce and that's sacrilege.

Ok, Jackie's turn.

•She doesn't show up in this chapter. She's not even mentioned. Silly us, Jackie already had her crumbs of development last chapter, there's no need to give her more screentime this chapter lmao. Not when that screentime can be used developing Ethan.

And lastly, Raf.

•He turns up too, but it's a situation similar to Bryce's. He's rehabilitating a little boy who's sad because he will miss his birthday, so enter the bonus scene where MC has the idea of recruiting Sienna too and organizing a surprise party for the kid in the Pediatric Ward. It's actually a cute scene, and spending time with Sienna is always good, but that's the problem. The scene is about the little boy, zero Raf development or plot, and I even feel he wasn't even needed here. We know Sienna visits the PW every once in a while so they could've made her be the one who came to us with the little kid situation and everything would have turned out to be the same, except for some dialogues. Then, near the end, Raf and MC share some flirting words and a little kiss, but everything is in front of the kids, so it's over pretty quick.

And... that's it for our LIs. It sucks, but it's not the worst thing abour this chapter. I'm gonna leave some spoilers of the general plot here below so you can be as angry as me.

•MC confronts Ethan about the trial thing. You can choose to go soft on him or be outraged and point out he's a piece of shit. I recommend the second option. Anyway, if you end up agreeing with him about his decision, he says something like: "I knew you'd understand me, you care about these patients as much as I do" which, for me, given the fact he's older than MC and their boss (and being a victim of grooming myself by someone older than me and that was kinda in a position of power above me too) IS FUCKING GROOMING. If you had any doubts the lead of this book is a creep.

•Yadda yadda, we get Bryce and Raf's mediocre scenes, and back to the main plot, MC and Tobias have to diagnose a patient together. The patient is the most annoying character on this series, only below Ethan. Seriously, she's worse than that Nigel guy from Book 1 who called Bryce "Ken doll". Tobias is kinda shady with her (but... light and funny shady. He's never mean or anything) and we're supposed to be like "ugh, Tobias is the worst" but the patient is annoying so yeah, I loved Tobias' actitude.

•There were lots of Tobias moments this chapter, and he's honestly really nice. I hope we can keep him in Edenbrook. We could even kick Ethan's ass out in order to raise his salary❤.

•Ok, and now the cherry on top of a shitty chapter. Do y'all remember how we were afraid PB was gonna make Harper MC's rival? It seemed like they had dropped that plot and we were safe... but it turns out they haven't. Harper finds out our patient has cheated their way into the trial and while Tobias and MC are bonding in the DT' office, she comes in furious as hell, and starts blaming the MC and insulting them, assuming they're the one who did the trial thing. Harper' screams are so loud that Ramsey, who was in the hall, listens and comes in running. Harper explains what "MC" did and we have three options: blame Ethan, insist we're not guilty but not blame Ethan, and ignore the accusations. Either way, Harper keeps on with the accusations (she's even more enraged if you blame Ethan)

•Ethan lets her mop the floor with MC a bit more before stopping her and admitting he's the one who cheated. Harper is shocked and Ramsey HAS THE AUDACITY of angrily leave the office. He really thinks he's the one who should be outraged in this situation. He's the most childish character PB has ever created. (Props to Tobias for being the only decent character in this situation, asking Harper to calm down because she couldn't know for sure it MC was to blame in this situation).

•MC runs after him. And sure, irl I'd run after him too, but to confront him and complain about all the mess his shitty behavior has caused (or, how we say in my country, putearlo. I wanna clarify to my fellow Latinoamericans, "putear" has a different meaning in Ecuador than in the rest of Latam lmao for us is similar to "mandar a la verga" JAJSJAJAJSK). But no, MC fucking goes to see if he's alright. And cue to the most ridiculous scene in this series:

•Okay, I know we all made fun of the BDSM outfits when the assets came out, and yeah, they're cringey af, but I was curious to see how the story would develop towards these outfits. Everyone guessed they meant kinky time with out LIs. Wrong again. Ethan is so mad about... well, idk why he's so mad, he's just facing the consequences of his actions, but anyway, he needs to release that frustration and that's when we're offered the kinky outfit. Yep, the kinky scene is Ethan-exclusive. It was so fucking easy to include the other LIs in this. Bryce could be frustrated because he's not the same after his failed surgery, Jackie because she has to lead the interns and Jade keeps screwing up, and Raf... well, he should be mad because PB tried to kill him and then decided not to but kept sidelining him and can't even give him a decent storyline could be frustrated because it's exhausting to try to help the patients when they make little progress and become disappointed. PB just was lazy and didn't care.

•Don't ask me about the BDSM scene, nothing in this world will make me read a sex scene with Ethan. I kept scrolling until I was sure that abomination was over. Although I caught the word "safe word" somewhere there so... yeah.

•The next day after that heated discussion, MC enters the DT' office. Harper doesn't even offer an apology for treating MC like shit, she acts like nothing happened. MC notices there's this peace in the air and there's no whining, so they ask where's Ethan

•Turns out, Harper reported MC to their superiors when she thought it was them who messed up the trial and now Ethan had to turn himself in and is meeting with the board. Then, she blatantly admits that if she knew Ethan was the one who did it, she would have talked to him first. She says she regrets telling the board, although, as she doesn't offer MC an apology, it seems she only regrets getting Ethan in trouble, not her awful attitude. Tobias is named the new leader of the DT, and that's the only highlight in this mess of a chapter.

I have more thoughts about everything, but I'll post them tomorrow, when they can reach more people. And I'll catch up with this shitt book just so I can join the mob law tomorrow lmao. See you then.

[versadies]

Hi Dan!! ✨✨ MA'AM YOUR SERENITEAPOT???!?!?!? 😳🥺 The anon was too stunned to speak 🍰🍰🍰(think of this as a standing cake 💀) it's so beautiful!! The scenery, the clipping and everything... It lowkey looks like heaven in a teapot 😩 and i see that you have done that certain hot spring tutorial on yt by unlucky tabibito(?). Kinda really warms my heart that you do your teapot 😤😤😤 It aint common to find ppl who do their teapots yk 😌

Ooh the first realm you have chosen is called Floating Abode, if my memory serves me right :DD

I do have some ideas too if you're gonna make a guide for your graphic design tutorials/recommendations!! (Lowkey a sucker for art or designing stuff;;)

— how to do filter or fx combinations/favorite filter combinations

— recommended tools to use for specific preference on how would the image/edit look like

— favorite fonts that you also think are must have 🤩

— just random editing ideas that could possibly help others have an idea or inspiration for editing.

— icon/header ideas or inspiration

— favorite color schemes/vibes

Didn't knew PicsArt have grown a lot already- it's been years since i've touched that app tho sadly they lock some new featured behind the "gold/premium membership" :((

I do wish to be able to read your 3k milestone works when i have the time- so i could possibly talk about it??🤭 Hehe.

About you being a Jean kinnie, it makes sense!!🤯 Given your hardworking personality both in irl and as a genshinblr writer, you always manage to post great fics??!?! Like WEEKLY. And so many times in a week. 😰🥺😳 Plus, you're such a sweet person! Despite the busy sched, you still take your time to write atleast one fic for the week + engage and interact with your followers/moots/anons!! 🤔🤔 Remember to not push your self to hard and be sure that you are genuinely enjoying what you do, ok?? :D

I still can't absorb the fact that 2.6 is this week. As in THIS week 😰😰😰 heavens, my life is barely together and i am afraid to lose 50/50 on ayato now 😩 Wishing you the best of luck in your pulls too, everyone!! 💗💗💗

That's all for now!! 😚 Take care and have a good day, Dan!! 💞💞💞

— sincerely, 🍰.

AIHSJD TYSM COMRADEE 😍😍 and yes i did got the hot spring area from @/unlucky tabibito’s tutorial from youtube :DDD i super agree w you on that one, ppl using the teapot is not someone you often would see :,)) and yep you’re right about the name, i kept thinking that the name was adeptus’s abode 💀💀

and tysm for those ideas !! ill def ss this and keep it in my photo albums in case i decided to do tutorials on my edits :DDD i honestly hate picsart for making a lot of fx and some features limited for the sake of making people use the membership 💀💀

i was never the same person ever since my best friend irl told me im a jean kinnie, my mind was blown — it makes sense why jean used to came to me in wish (i have c4 jean and im not proud of it) 😧😧😧 and dw !! ill try my best to not push myself and continue doing what i do passionately <333

i can’t believe 2.6 is so CLOSE either 😰😰 im so excited to get ayato even tho im on 50/50 💀💀 i wish you luck on your pulls as well as everyone who’s going for the characters that will be available in 2.6 :DDDD !!

take care as well and have a good day comrade 👊👊👊

[ashura-writes]

About Me!

Learn all there is to know about me!

(as of currently)

My name is Ashura! I also go by Ash or Lunar, so take your pick! Any new nicknames are welcome as well.

I'm 18 years old.

I go by any pronouns, so again, take your pick!

I enjoy reading and writing grammatically correct fanficitions, as well as drawing!

Currently I'm really into the Dream SMP, so most (if not all) of my fics that I share here will be about that.

Boundaries!

Probably the most important thing here! I don't have many, but I ask that you respect them nonetheless!

I will not write for things that I do not have the best understanding of, or things that I am not properly educated on. My worst fear is to portray something wrong and potentially harming or misinformation others with my stories. Please ask if you have a specific request, and I will let you know if I am comfortable with writing for that topic.

I will not write sexually explicit/NSFW stories for ANY characters. Not only is it most likely out of the comfort zones for many of the content creators to have their characters sexualized, I can personally only see these characters interacting with the Reader in friendly lights. Please do not ask for any NSFW.

SFW/Fluff/Feel-good things are completely okay! My intent is to write these characters as if they have a really close friendship with the Reader, which can include cuddles, hand-holding, and general cute things. Flirting is alright as well! This is mostly inspired by my own IRL friendships.

On the topic of flirting, I am okay with SOME romantic things. Romantic and sexual are completely different things, after all, and my expertise in romance is probably my only defining quality haha! I am okay with writing about romantic relationships between the Reader and some characters of the SMP, NOT including minors. All minor relationships are STRICTLY platonic. Do not ask for romantic relationships with minors. I will not answer. If you wish to see a story about a romantic relationship between the Reader and an adult SMP character, just ask!

As for personal boundaries, I don't have many! I'm fine with a lot of things, including cursing/swearing. The only thing I will not tolerate towards me or anyone is derogatory remarks. If you don't like something, move on.

And because I can't think of anything else to add, let's move on to questions you probably don't have!

Q.《Why did you start this blog?》

A. As mentioned above, I really enjoy writing fanfictions. They are one of my escapes from the real world, as is the Dream SMP! I started reading some fics, headcannons, and imagines here and really enjoyed it! I thought, "Why not do the same? Share your stories with like-minded people," so I did!

One of my biggest inspirations for starting this blog was the fact that there was so little fanfics for the DSMP, at least in the friendship department. I aim to write stories that center around the characters of the SMP, their friendships and hardships, and to put the story in words that the members otherwise cannot express.

Q.《What will your stories be about?》

A. The Dream SMP, and all characters included! Most, if not all of the stories I write will be 'Reader Insert's, or 'x Reader's. This totally does not stem from my desire to be friends with everyone aha nope haha definitely not-

All stories will be about the characters that the streamers portray, NOT the content creators themselves. I personally feel a bit awkward writing for real people. I may try and change things up one day, but today is not that day!

Q.《How did you get into the Dream SMP?》

A. I got into the Dream SMP a few months ago after coming across many videos and posts talking about it, and began my journey by watching Wilbur Soot's videos and the story of the rise and fall of L'manburg. Ever since, I've been hooked, and I've come to really enjoy and look forward to new streams and videos!

Q.《Will your stories be inclusive? (Gender Identity, Sexuality, Race, etc.)》

A. Absolutely! None of my stories will leave anyone out, and I will strive to accurately portray anything and everything! The Reader in my stories will never have their gender, sexuality, or appearance explicitly stated, either in walls of text or in dialogue. To make everything the most inclusive, I will be using they/them pronouns when characters refer to the Reader. I tend to avoid the use of 'insert points', as I will call them, or things like 'Y/n', 'e/c', or 'h/c' to name a few. If necessary, I will use '(Name)' for the Reader, but otherwise dodge the use of other insert points unless it is useful to the story or needs to be explicitly mentioned.

Q.《Will you write for certain things if asked?》

A. Yes, I will, as long as none of it goes out of my boundaries!

Q.《How much knowledge of Dream SMP Lore do you have?》

A. Honestly, not much. I have gotten as far as Doomsday and Dream's imprisonment, but that is about it! Not to mention, all of my knowledge comes purely from Tubbo, Ranboo, Wilbur and Tommy's streams. I don't know much about Technoblade or Philza's lore as of this moment, or any one else's, but I plan to learn! Any requests that deal with these characters lore, I will do my best. Please don't be afraid to let me know if I mess something up! Help is always welcome.

Q.《Do you have other stories not on Tumblr that I can read?》

A. That I do! I have a story up on Archive Of Our Own under the title "Hearteater"! It is an Demon Slayer OC insert featuring my character Higurashi Shion! I am very proud of it, and I think you should check it out. Look for the user 'LunarPenguinChan' to find the story!

Q.《Is there any other social media I can contact you on?》

A. Yep! Discord, at Ashura#4903, or Twitter under the handle @ashura_penguin!

More to be added as I go! Please check back here frequently for updates. I really look forward to meeting and making friends with everyone! Don't be afraid to send me a DM or ask/request anything! I'm fired up and ready to show off my horrible writing skills! :D

[somekindofflowergirl]

Ao3 Fic Meme

Tagged by @mearcatsreturns. Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

33!

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

331,479. Unlike A, I am that verbose, lol. Working on it? Maybe? And no, I don't talk much IRL.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

On Ao3:

ER (19)

Timeless (13)

Shadow and Bone (1)

My Timeless fics are also cross-posted on ff.net and I have two old HP fics on there as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All Timeless/Garcy

Q & A (Complete)

We'll Find Each Other (Complete)

Resting Murder Face (One-shot)

Gentle? (One-shot)

Three Minutes to Save the World (Technically not complete, but where I left it was still a good stopping point and the you-know-what pretty much assured I won't take it further.)

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do. Lately I haven't been keeping up with it because real life has been...eventful...but I will eventually get back to it.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

This is a toss-up between Here Without You and Can You Hear Me Now (or Am I Lost)?, which are both ER Luka/Abby one-shots and canon-compliant, hence the angsty endings. I don't end on angst when I'm fully steering the ship, however much I might drag the characters through it beforehand. (Though how I avoided angsty-endings to any of my Garcy fics, I don't know. Probably pure spite.)

7. Do you write crossovers?

I never have. The closest I've come to doing it is a fusion rather than a true crossover.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No hate. One or two less than impressed reviews from readers who just weren't the right audience for the fic.

9. Do you write smut? If you do, what kind of smut do you write?

A leeeetle bit. I dip my toe in occasionally. So, mostly fade to black and non-explicit description.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. (But let me know if you see one elsewhere!)

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yep! Amber and I with our currently-on-hiatus-but-we-WILL-finish-it-someday-DAMN-it We Part Only to Meet Again. I don't know that I could co-write with anyone else! But Amber and I think very similarly and are often mistaken for each other, so it works!

12. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

All-time favorite is such a hard question! I guess that would have to be one I haven't written for, because I feel like all my ships ever come back to it in some way: Anne and Gilbert from the AoGG series. I see them in pretty much any ship I've ever loved.

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The first I ever published for was HP. I wrote some stuff that I never finished or posted for Bones and Gilmore Girls. And Nancy Drew, if we're going way, way, way back to when I was a kid and didn't even know fic or fandom existed.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Too hard, argh. (I am terrible at choosing favorites, if you couldn't tell.) Ask me tomorrow and I'll probably give different answers. But Q & A for Timeless because it was fueled by self-indulgence and spite but apparently that works for me because I love the end result. Also, Resting Murder Face because it was so fun to write that I cackled the entire time. For ER, it SO depends on my mood, but I am particularly proud of my WIP County General's Lonely Hearts Club because I love leaning into friendships the show never explored.

Tagging (but absolutely NO pressure) @cinelitchick, @drlucypreston, @pixievixen, @docjen and anyone who would like to participate.

[alexandrablake]

2020 mutuals appreciation post!

yep, that’s right. i’ve never had an original thought in my life.

2020 was just awful, but you people. you people put a smile on my face literally. every. single. day. you guys made my year and i only started posting in november. that’s how incredible you are. i’ve been doing this for going on two months and you’ve made my year.

below i’ve tagged all my mutuals whether we talk or not. but i’d also like to thank you, my followers! i cannot tell you how often one of you like or reblog or interact with me in anyway and i just got this huge grin. 

i love you all very much.

this isn’t in any order, just as i think up people!

okay, first i am talking about @blakes-dictionxry and @ssa-cinnamon. both of them are mutuals that i hold very near and dear to my heart, but neither of them are active. jemma took a break for as long as she needed, and i am not sure what happened to eva, but they are still posting queue posts. either way, both of them are wonderful creators and regardless of their activity, you should check out their content!

now i will be talking about my loves with which i never interact. we are still very much mutuals, but i am too socially awkward so i never talk. celie ( @ellegreenawy), anj ( @hotchsbabygirl), aimz ( @ssaic-jareau), and lauren ( @villainousunsub) I hope you all know that you are all incredible and i still appreciate you, even if i never talk to you!

next we have ms. @haleymalaffey. now if you aren’t following haley, you aren’t really living. ms. ma’am is literally one of my favorite parts of my dash. haley is one of the most transparent, bright, and enthusiastic people on this whole platform. she literally has the ability to make you feel the same love she has for things, it’s incredible. i love you very much, haley!

a @sunlightgalaxy is up next! now you think of something, nic can do it. homegirl is multi-multi-multi-talented. we’ve been mutuals for all of 4 (?) days, but i’ve been following her forever (fun fact: nic only followed me because i accidentally unfollowed her when her user was something about jeid). she is one of the most incredible creators and i look forward to seeing what she does every day! i love you!

it’s abbie time! @lizziechase is just.... y’know? she is involved in so many fandoms, so if you think it, abbie probably makes content for it. she is so funny talented and will definitely be willing to join a wandavision watch party with you (i don’t actually know that). abbie makes some of my favorite edits on this whole website, you guys do not understand. mwah! i love you!

really the superior she/they, @goldenxreid! marcy truly exists to show everyone how wonderful they are! she writes just magnificently, she makes the most beautiful edits, they are so kind, like i could go on! marcy and i first interacted over debating which of the barbie movies was the best. i feel like that says something about us. marcy, i hope you know how much i love and appreciate you!!

@royalpenelope is next on the roster! okay, grace is just great. like she may be one of the funniest people on this whole platform. there are times when i see her post and just actually cackle because she’s just that good. i don’t think grace is afraid of anything and that’s incredible. we may not interact the most, but i still love you beary much, grace!

now, i will be tagging both of qvo’s accounts because i never remember which to tag. @qvid-pro-qvo/ @main-for-qvo is genuinely one of my favorite people on this whole platform. she is another person that i really first interacted with about barbie movies (you’re still wrong, qvo, btw.) she writes so well, and i look forward to every single post of hers because i know it will be incredible. i could shower qvo with all my love and i wouldn’t even close to giving her all she deserves! i love you!!

it’s frog expert @greenaway-lewis‘s time for the spotlight! ms. lucy is what we call a jack of all trades. edit? she does it. writes? lucy does it. be incredible? oh you guessed it, lucy does it. everytime we interact, i get such a joy because she is just that wonderful! she’s also on CST so while the rest of the website is celebrating because apparently this whole site is EST, she’s waiting. in all honesty, there is not a single interaction or piece of content with or from lucy that just doesn’t make me smile. i love you bunches, lucy!

the moment you’ve all been waiting for: @crazyshannonigans!! y’all ever met someone and you’re just like, “wow. let me be them.” yeah, that’s me with shan. she writes just incredibly? she’s gorgeous?? she’s kind??? she can sing???? unfortunately, she picked a poor hockey team to be a fan of, but you know, even shan isn’t perfect. but aside from her hockey flaws, this woman is incredible in every way and i love you!!

and last but definitely not least, is @hurricanejjareau. now, if you follow me, you more than likely follow red because, if you aren’t, you don’t know what you are missing out on. red and i have been irls for like 7 or 8 years, but that doesn’t mean i can’t gush over her on tumblr. that’s right, babeyy! i’ve been following red over pretty much her entire writing journey, and the growth?? unmatched. she is one of the most talented people i’ve ever had the opportunity to meet, and deserves every single nice thing in the world. i love you so big, red.

and now it is time for me to tag some non-moots whose content i absolutely adore! @ssa-lesbian, @ssaemxlyprentxss, @winterscaptain, @kermitsaysgayrights, @whump-town, @themetaphorgirl, and @penemily (and probably more!) i hold everything you make and say near and dear to my heart!

have a wonderful 2021 everyone!!

[gravity-lifts]

Prime numbers for the ask game? ALSO!! WONDER PETS!!!!

!!!!! WONDER PETS!!! also there are A LOT of prime numbers, so I’m gonna add a read more to this, sorry about such a long answer Cress! I counted and there are 43, here they all are

2. (Do I have any nicknames?) yep!! I have a few on here (I’d list but it’d make this already going to be super long post even longer) and my family calls me Fi

3. (Zodiac sign?) Pieces!

5. (Book/series I reread?) What If It’s Us by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera!

7. (Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?) Leigh Bardugo, all of her stuff is so so good

11. (Favourite song?) Depends on the day, but today it’s Take Me or Leave Me from Rent

13. (Favourite word?) Vindictive (I think I just like v sounds tbh, but like, try saying that, its so fun!!) (alternatively noggy, but that’s not really a word yet)

17. (Pirates or ninjas?) Pirates, but I don’t have any reasoning, sorry!!

19. (Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song?) this also changes a lot, it’s been You Happened from The Prom for a minute now though

23. (A bad quality of mine?) I’m pretty self deprecating, which is definitely something I need to work on

29. (My best friend?) One of my irls x

31. (Hair colour?) Brown!!

37. (Favourite TV shows as a child?) Another one was the wiggles!!

41. (Do I have any strange phobias?) I don’t think so? idk

43. (Favourite hobbies?) One I don’t think I mentioned was Knitting

47. (Favourite animal?) My cat Squeak (or like, hamsters to get less specific)

53. (What makes me smile?) Talking to you all <3

59. (Afraid of heights?) Nope!!

61. (What was the last concert I went to see?) Shawn Mendes

67. (Scared of the dark?) 100%. Terrified of the dark. worst thing, I hate it.

71. (Something I wish I could do?) Go back in time, or teleport, I think

73. (Have I ever skipped school?) No, I am a, as some may say, goody two shoes because I don’t like getting bad grades or having adults mad at me (don’t like as in it causes me much anxiety)

79. (Sunsets or sunrise?) Sunrise!!! (I don’t like waking up for it tho)

83. (Have I ever had braces?) I have braces right now, actually!! they should be coming off soon

89. (Kindle or real book?) Real books because I can fidget with the pages

97. (Can I bake?) Yep!! I can bake many many things

101. (Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?) I really don’t know, but irl most of my friends are afab, sooooooo

103. (Sexual orientation?) NBLW/Lesbian!!

107. (Guilty pleasure?) I am guilty about all of my pleasures. Home reno tv maybe?

109. (A photo of myself.) I’m not super keen on putting a picture of my face on this bit of the internet, sorry!

113. (Favourite accents?) I have no idea

127. (Am I a bad loser?) Fiercely competitive? yes. Sore loser? definitely not 

131. (Am I a good liar?) honestly, it’s a possibility. I don’t lie much at all though

137. (Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?) Nope!! I haven’t ever failed a test (I think my worst grade on a test was a 75 on a quiz in fourth grade and I had a panic attack soooooooo)

139. (If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?) I would try to find the owner

149. (Do I have any tattoos?) not yet!

151. (Do I believe in Karma?) No

157. (What makes me nostalgic?) books that I liked reading as a kid!

163. (What do I love most about myself?) That I try my best to be kind

167. (Have I ever been on radio?) Yep!!

173. (Have I learnt from my mistakes?) I hope that I have!

179. (If I were immortal, what would I do?) Honestly? probably panic

181. (If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do?) My aspirations do not involve crime, probably breaking and entering (like, old abandoned places. I just think it’d be neat /gen)

191. (What makes me the happiest?) Spending time with my best friend (they don’t sap my social battery, it’s great)

193. (What motivates me?) The thought of getting to be somewhere other than where I am now

197. (Something I hated as a child that I like now?) ...mushrooms? idk

199. (Live in the city or suburbs?) In the city!! I like the light <3

211. (How do I handle anger?) I put it into my box of bad emotions and I close the box again (I used to cry though)

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Road to Recovery 👣

Well, this is gonna be a long ass one. Also, this has been kinda drafted over the past... week? So it’s gonna be a real rollercoaster of a ride. 

Had just binged Lucifer’s new season and was on reddit, looking at comments of redditors yelling at Luci to enjoy whilst he was finding stuff to freak out about. 

Like him, I should have just been in the moment. Appreciated it. Instead of worrying about the next. 

The past week has been.. emotional. Have been getting used to the fact that I might never speak or hear or see him again. Been also trying to focus on the bad to kinda ease the pain. At least it hurts a little less, less crying too. But it’s also like one day you do great, no crying, not much of missing and pain, but then the next, everything creeps in altogether and you fall apart. 

The thing is... why does it hurt so bad? Things had been weird for months. I mean, I was the one who was always preparing myself for him to leave, I was the one who told myself I’d be okay even if we never went on the date. And I guess it just boils back to... expectations. 

I expected him to care more, I didn’t expect that he’d be able to leave just like this. From regular convos to nothing in a week, now almost 2 weeks. I mean, we’ve had breaks. 1 day, 5 days, 10 days... It’s kinda strange if we were actually interested in the other. Maybe he wasn’t much of a texter and wanted to talk when we met. But did we really share much when we met? It’s odd... He doesn’t reply properly to texts, he disappears, he doesn’t really care much at times, but for some reason, I seem to remember the good more. It seemed like he does listen (at times), there were moments when I felt like he cared. A part of me still trusts him or sees the best in him. 

Initially, I was trying to avoid talking about him so I would also stop thinking about him and I could move on. But I think talking about it also helps. Did also google about moving on from crushes, and that is a major point. Maybe I’ll never figure out what really went wrong, but maybe I could still give myself some sorta closure.  Though reminiscing does hurt too. Going back to the place where we met, which is basically my workplace which I’ve to be at almost every day... The memories flooding in about the conversations we had. But it also helps me to acknowledge my feelings and fears, stuff that I suppose I didn’t acknowledge then. Maybe if I had been less afraid and tried harder, especially during the times we were both around considering how hard it was to get our schedules together. He probably thought I wasn’t that interested and moved on. Guys fall fast, but they seem to move on pretty quick too.

Ended up dreaming about him last night... It was really nice. There was a shipment, I didn’t let myself have hope that it would have been him. And he turned around, and it was him. I said hey and touched his arm. I headed off downstairs talking to the other guys, one of them was teasing me for giving him my number. He came down too. We sat there for a bit, and I asked if I could lean on his shoulder, and we ended up hugging too. That was just wonderful, but it’s sad to know it’d never be reality. 

And I guess all those breaks we had throughout the months still gives me the slightest bit of hope that he might return... But now, 2 whole weeks of not speaking. The glimmer of hope fades as each day passes. Maybe, distance is just what we need, I tell myself. 

But now, there’s also a new guy. So I’m guessing the likelihood of seeing him ever again is almost impossible. But is it really so bad if we never spoke or see each other again? Did he even really care? What were we? 

Feels like history is repeating itself, and honestly, after re-reading old posts, maybe it is. Okay, but this time was slightly different. I fought harder. I should be proud that I got his number, or well, convinced him to get mine. I should be proud for initiating those texts, for finally picking up that video call, for asking him out. 

I do wonder at times if it would have been better if I was just honest from the start, that I was interested and I felt there’s something special, different, but not entirely sure what it was. I had friends tell me that I shouldn’t be too emotional about too much, especially at the start. I mean, I did do this the last time, granted they were all online friends, and now we’re still friends. Maybe it’s different being online vs irl. 

Should I continue fighting for him or just let this be another regret/what if? I guess I chose the latter. I was still too afraid to make a move, I was still too afraid to admit my feelings. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to give him the choice. But I was afraid, what if he only says he feels the same because knowing what I felt? I couldn’t take the leap. 

And the more I thought, the less I knew. What did I ever really know about you? What did I like about you? I guess I didn’t listen to myself enough, or to the rational part at least. The closer you look, the less you see. By the time I remember this, it was a little too late... 

I guess I need to stop trying to define everything. Some questions don’t have answers. Some stories won’t get closures. Not all friendships require daily talking. Why aren’t I okay with this? Am I just too attached to everyone? Does my life just basically revolve around people? Who the fuck am I?

I had been looking back at my old posts, all the way back to 2015, the darkest period of my life. I wanted to see what I did then, how did I handle it and pushed myself through. How the heck did I move on? Sure, it took me like... at least 2 years of moping around, then finally actually properly reaching out to get the help I needed. A couple months of counselling, pushing the focus back on myself, on self love and self care.

And all this unravelled within a couple months.

Granted, I think it was already starting to unravel early this year. All these work and personnel changes really fucked things up, with Covid just adding to it. And then comes those unexpected feelings, not knowing how to deal with it, worrying about how I’m gonna fuck it up, and in turn, fucking it up. Also, not giving myself a break when I truly needed it. I was afraid that if I took a break from texting him (okay I wasn’t really obsessively staring at my phone and replying immediately either, but I could have taken a proper break), I might have ended up losing him, and now, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost him. 

So yep, losing myself... this time, I don’t think I was able to keep it as contained as I did previously. Loss of appetite, exhaustion... I guess at least I don’t exactly sigh as much as I did during the start of the year? But I guess now with Covid and mom at home, she’s noticed the symptoms too. And I guess how I tend to stay cooped in my room, retreat back after meals etc, not really making as much convos with my parents too... Maybe even agitation or irritation as my mom noticed too... 

She thinks it’s more physical, with my abnormal periods and stuff, like maybe I’m anaemic. Oof, and that one day she asked if I was alright because I didn’t seem happy. I literally broke down when I went back to my room. I try so hard to mask it all because I don’t want people to worry, and I want people to still be able to count on me when they need to. Though I’m pretty sure my colleagues noticed too. So I push myself. Sometimes I guess I pretend to be alright, cope with humour as my defence mechanism (self preservation through dissociation, amirite?), but then it comes crashing down the next day or next minute. 

I’m just human. I need to allow myself to feel. I need to embrace that I feel a lot, sometimes a little too much. I shouldn’t hate myself for caring too much, for feeling too much. I need to remember to allow myself to rest, or else this burnt out and exhaustion won’t do me or anyone any good. Yes, I want to be there for others, but sometimes you need to save yourself first. 

I’ve got one life to live, so I gotta live it. Right now it feels like I’m just surviving, otherwise basically floating through time and space. But it’s time to really live. it’s time to stop trying to keep everything under control. Sometimes a mistake is a destiny and sometimes we mess things up for the better. Stop comparing your progress and path to others. 

Recovery isn’t a straight line. You’re gonna feel good and then bad. You’re gonna feel like a bad-ass bitch who needs no one, but then the next you might be crying from the pain of missing him. Sometimes it will just get worse before it gets better. Real growth isn’t linear, it’s a step forward and 20 steps back. You’re gonna be tempted to text him, to hear his voice, to try one more time, but then you also gotta remember all the progress you’ve made. People are hard to forget and change takes time. 

Like Chandler and Joey were nudging Ross to move on from Rachel back in Season 1, maybe your friends had nudged you to move on too. My friends have been. Maybe our happiness just aren’t meant to be with each other. But I would love for you to be happy, even if it’s without me. 

So, I guess imma do a separate post about all the lessons I’ve re-learnt. It was a real headache trying to write this piece already. Thanks to anyone who’s actually taken the time to read this. Take care everyone! 

X