#do y'all read what I ramble? if so I apologize

[thresholdbb]

It just occurred to me I need to pick another show to watch now that I'm finally done with Enterprise

[feefivefoe]

I guess I'm unintentionally working my way up the age ladder, so Jason next-

This is the first part that contains backstory stuff I gave my reader, so unfortunately this is where a lot of the "they can be anyone" immersion dies, sorry y'all.

Genuinely, he thought he might hate you at first. Even at the preteen age of 12, where children were usually trying to start striving to independence, you had been so...bland.

It's not that you didn't stand out. Quite the contrary. Anywhere Alfred could be found, you were just a step or two behind him. A leech. Only ever speaking in a hushed voice, making the old man strain himself to hear you, surely.

He doesn't think you've ever even looked him in the eye.

It isn't until that summer he starts connecting the dots. You still cling to long sleeved shirts, pants over shorts, even when it's clear you're struggling to not overheat.

Then he catches you in the kitchen in the middle of the night, t-shirt and pajama shorts.

Burn marks, healed yet gruesome, decorate your arms and legs. Based on how they're positioned, he'd argue they probably exist on the rest of your body, too.

And yet, despite his invasion of what you clearly(?) wanted kept hidden, you merely bow your head in shame and offer a meek apology.

That's when he stops seeing you as a problem, but as a victim of consequence.

Not a bratty child who doesn't care enough about the lower class to speak to your new 'sibling,' but a lonely child who had never even once considered he might want to speak to you.

"Mister Wayne and Mister Grayson are very busy." You had said once, matter of factly rather than bitter or sad. "I'm sure they'd spend time with me if they weren't. But they have two lives, so they have less time than anybody."

He doesn't have the heart to tell you that they make time for him. And the rest of Gotham.

As you do with Alfred, you begin to shadow him. Meandering behind him without a care as to what his plans are, happy to receive the barest of acknowledgments.

You hesitate when speaking about yourself, as though taking up his time with mentions of you is an issue. He's starting to understand why.

Jason isn't sure if it's pity or growing affection that keeps him around, at first. For a while, he sees you as more of a sad, wet dog than as his family.

But you begin to connect with peers at school, finding validation outside of those that feel forced to give it to you. You mature, grow up more than you should, and realize the reality of your home life.

And Jason is thrilled! ...and...a little sad? He's happy for you, sure. Having friends is probably what you needed. People who want you around, genuinely. Who choose to make time for you.

But he'd be lying if he said that the way you used to stare at him didn't make him feel like a hero. Like he was doing so much, changing your world, simply by existing.

You still speak, of course. You're friendly siblings that get along well. You give him various foods you've tried making, courtesy of Alfred inspiring a desire to learn to cook and bake on your own. You talk about books you've read together, and listen intently while he rambles about his favorites.

You even peek in after particularly rough patrol nights, just to make sure he's gotten through it okay.

But it isn't...quite the same. No, but it's...it's for the best.

And he is still a hero! As Robin, he's protecting the whole city alongside Batman!

So he's still a hero.

He's still your hero.

"Jay? I was wondering if I could ask you for some help. The show my club is doing is one of those old books you like-"

"They aren't that old."

"-and my character doesn't show up much in the movie-"

"You watched the MOVIE before reading the book!?"

"-so I wanted to ask if you'd help me with characterization!"

He remembers groaning at you and rolling his eyes. "I'm busy tonight. Go watch the dumb, BAD, movie again." He pauses. "Uh, but I can tomorrow. I'll make sure I don't have anything planned, promise."

He saw you pause, and sees the constant same promises pass through you.

"I...have other arrangements. I'll make it up to you next time."

"Ah...sorry, kiddo! Big kid stuff. But next time! You trust your big bro, yeah?"

But this is Jason. Jason doesn't lie to you.

Jason keeps his promises.

You smiled. "Yeah. Tomorrow."

...

Then he died.

[leafzu]

Caleb boyfriend hcs. Short! Reader

I can see the talkative x shy trope with Caleb, him obviously being the talkative one in the relationship while his s/o is a sweet shy girl.

Likes to tease A LOT. And not just in a suggestive way, in every way possible. You want a hug? Mm you have to say it out loud and clear, (even though deep down he knows what you want.)

You can't hide anything from him, he reads you like an open book

Flusters you 24/7. Random headpats, sudden kiss on the cheek and then pretending like nothing happened.

Stares at you while you ramble to him about things that happened throughout your day. Loves when he sees you light up while talking about your favorite show, game, book or anything. He tries to listen, he really does but you are such a distraction.

"Gosh you're cute." He mumbles to himself. "Hm? Did you say something?" You look at him. He puts a strand of hair behind your ear, slowly leans in and lightly kisses your cheek.

If you're short, get ready to be bullied by this man because he will hold things high above your head and tease the life out of you.

You once couldn't get the jam jar because it was on the top shelf. Caleb saw this and came to your way. You thought it was to help you, how naive. Man's picked up the jar and put it on the shelf above it and walked away. You were flabbergasted.

Of course seeing your slightly pouting face, he apologizes and gets you the jar. Gives you kisses on the cheek as extra apology.

Greenest flag ever. Strictly follows the sidewalk rule. Even if you unintentionally happen to be close to the streets, he would exchange places while talking. You wouldn't even notice sometimes.

Gives the best care during periods. If you're on your period, he will bring you to his place, you can't say no to him no matter what. “I can't leave you alone when you're on your period like this. Stay with me for the week, I promise I'll take good care of you."

Has everything ready for you. Pads, pain meds, comfort food. Name anything and he will bring it to you without hesitation.

Will cuddle from behind and rub your abdomen as to soothe the pain.

And if you cry from pain, he will hold you and wipe your tears away. He hates seeing you cry and hates that he can't do more than give you your meds.

Will cook for you all the time. He secretly has a cooking plan made just for you. He loves cooking for you, especially when you compliment his cooking skills and praise him. Hides his face so that you don't see the slight blush on his face.

Baking together? He's all in for it. He lets you take the lead while baking since he knows how much you love it. Will be playful and smudge flour on your face for fun and then laugh.

Is great at comfort and encouraging words. He believes in you more than you believe in yourself sometimes.

100% gamer bf.

Owns a PS5 and also a PC. I can see Caleb playing games like Final Fantasy and Resident Evil.

If you're into cozy games he will definitely check those out too. You wanna play animal crossing together with him? Done. Y'all gonna keep playing and won't even notice the time. He secretly loves playing cozy games. He didn't even himself know until he met you. Never makes fun of you for you taste in game. Games are for fun and comfort. No one should be shamed for that.

You wanna play on his PS5? Uh-uh not so easily. This cheeky guy would let you play on one condition. He sits with his legs crossed and pats on his lap. If you deny, you can say goodbye to the PS5. But, if you obey and sit on his lap, he will literally give you his PS5. You can take it. All yours. He just wants you.

Given your height and size, it's easy and comfy for you to sit on his lap and get hugged while playing. He watches you, placing a kiss on your head every now and then.

Overall, Caleb is a 10/10 boyfriend. He loves you a lot and will always support you no matter what.

[funkytrashsuperstructure]

Can I talk about this image from Rivulet's ending for a second?

(edited to add a break because the post is very Long TM)

If Five Pebbles knows that you are delivering the Rarefaction Cell, Moon pulls this message up alongside the dialogue;

"I cannot run away from my mistakes forever; Please understand." Five Pebbles, what have you done… I've been given so much already, and now you've given all you had left.

Based off of Moon's dialogue, this seems to be an inbox of some sort. We can assume that the orange symbol is basically Five Pebbles' profile picture. Which would mean that the pictures to the side are unread messages from other iterators, some more clear than others.

Based on what we know of other iterators, it is probably safe to assume that the green diamonds are No Significant Harassment, while the red sun is, well, Seven Red Suns. We also see that Pebbles' message got greyed out when Moon opened it. Now, this is all well and good for understanding another aspect of how iterator communication works, that being that they can basically send emails to each other. However, that brings up a few questions; one, who the hell is this blue iterator?

This iterator's symbol is a bit different from the rest, seeming to have the third and fourth karma symbol in their profile picture, alongside a diamond in between. There are three possibilities in my mind. I'll go from most likely to least likely:

This is Chasing/Grey Wind, trying to check up on Moon before or after her collapse. This would make sense, based on their dialogue in the pearls.

This is Unparalleled Innocence. Despite being a jerk to Pebbles, perhaps they checked on Moon at some point.

This is Looks to the Moon, sending a message to herself, perhaps in hopes of using the inbox as a secondary form of memory if she is able to access it. The inbox has at least lasted all this time, for as long as the broadcast networks have been down.

My second question would be; what is the content of the messages from Sig and Suns? I believe that, for Sig's messages, they're the broadcasts that we see him send to Moon before her collapse. However, they could also be Sig's attempts to get the slag reset keys to her without needing his messenger to do it.

As for Suns, they could be apologizing to Moon for what had happened. After all, they were indirectly responsible for her collapse.

I suppose my ultimate takeaway from all of this is; I like getting a glimpse at what iterators can do, and how they interface with each other and the world. I also enjoy speculating about trivial things, lol.

Anyways, thank you for reading my ramblings. It means a lot. Now, though, I must return to my work (aka calculus homework :P). Have a good night y'all!

[bee-writes-n-spins]

tw - unusual ways of sh please read at your own risk.

a/n - this is very bad but i need to feed y'all.

there have been moments when all you want to do was stop breathing. but you have too much to do and too many people who rely on you. so, you settle for hurting yourself instead.

tonight is one of those nights. sitting on your bathroom floor, you pull at your hair and bite your own arms. you taste blood.

tears fall from your eyes as you fall on the floor from exhaustion. you need to clean yourself up. he's supposed to come over in fifteen minutes.

and so, with a shaky sigh, you get up off the cold tile and rinse the blood off your arm. it kind of hurts but also feels kind of nice. it makes you feel kind of alive.

your gaze slowly looks up to the mirror and is met with what most would call an absolute trainwreck. "what a disgusting sight," you think.

your gaze moves back towards the floor as you finish washing the blood off. removing your arms from under the faucet, you look at the bite marks that adorn your arm. it almost makes you feel proud.

fingers trail across the marks as you exit the bathroom to find bandaids. or some gauze. or somthing.

but, much to your dismay, he is standing right outside the bathroom door. your eyes widen with panic as you stare at him. as you look up at him, his eyes meet yours.

"darling... this is getting out of hand," he murmurs. pulling you close, he looks at the damage you've done to yourself. his brows furrow with worry as he sees just how bad it is.

"i.. i'm sorry.." you mutter. it makes your heart hurt every time he sees you like this. it's not the first time he's had to help you after a breakdown.

"don't apologize."

"but you have to deal with me. i'm an adult. you shouldn't have to take care of me."

"i don't take care of you because i have to, darling. i do it because o want to." and with that, he pulls you into a tight embrace. his face buries in the crook of your neck as he goes on: "and i want to because you are my everything. not just my world, but my cosmos."

a lump forms in your throat as he rambles his love for you.

"i love you," you sigh as your voice breaks. a shaky breath leaves your lips as you cry into his shoulder.

"i love you too," he whispers.

the rest of the night is then spent with you curled up in his arms, watching a movie, and him whispering little 'i love you's every chance he gets.

bonus:

"why'd you come over so early anyways?"

"cause i left my razor..."

chuuya, kunikida, fukuzawa, dazai (delusional), aether, zhongli, neuvillette, tighnari, venti, diluc, giyuu, and any of your other amazing favs.

[a-b-riddle]

I'm just going to ask this because I need to get it out of my head. This is all in regards to your Poly141 x Reader series going on. I'm just going to recap things first.

-Price got verbally eviscerated because of all the times he got short/snapped at the reader because he came into their bookstore that they bought with their own money, put their own blood, sweat and tears into fixing up and had THE AUDACITY to call them immature for trying to break things off cleanly like a MATURE adult in a space that's RIGHTFULLY THEIRS because he couldn't be an adult admit how he shouldn't of been treating the reader like one of his men.

-Soap showing up trying to apologize and then thinking with his dick because of how the reader got dressed up for a dinner date and got a taste of his own medicine when the reader just hit it and quit it without so much as a thank you, or a goodbye kiss and basically told him to clean up, get dressed and kick rocks.

-Gaz shows up after weeks of just flaking out of any dates and just being a ghost (ironic considering Ghost's callsign) trying to talk to the reader in person when the reader had tried for months to just get a glimpse of him only to be told he couldn't right now but could another time. Then the reader just tell him, 'yeah sorry no. I don't have time for you and your mates nonsense at the moment, just swing by to get your stuff when it works for you'.

-Ghost showing up whenever the reader is in trouble and getting them away from danger only to disappear shortly afterward and give the reader radio silence. The one time that the reader tried to seek him out for just a SHRED of comfort and he just told them, 'You're only good for what's in between your legs love, you knew what you were getting into. You should've known better.'

With all this mind, I want Ghost to have everything and the kitchen sink thrown at him. I want him to be told in no kind words that his words and lack of realizing how fucked up the things he said to the reader were was the straw that broke the camel's back. I want the reader to hurl everything that they didn't say to Price to Ghost. I want him to realize in no unclear terms how if he didn't fuck up so royally and had actually attempted to give the reader a fraction of what he was being given, things would be so much better. And for some extra salt on the wound, have the reader tell him that they suppose that when it comes to his line of work, he's pretty good at breaking anything and everything he touches. It's just a shame that for anything that involves a softer touch, he winds up breaking it beyond repair.

I just love narrative/reflective irony and can't wait for the next part and wish you well for making it to the end of this ramble. 🥰

I'm throwing up.

I am so happy that y'all got it without me having to say it. YES! She is giving everything back that they gave her. John's outbursts, Johnny's lack of aftercare and Kyle's flakiness.

I will say this which I think is interesting. Simon said something hellllla shitty and unforgivable. Like it was mean and something once you say you can't take back. I will ask this and feel free to go back and re-read.

What else did Simon do? Before the phone call, what else did Simon do to reader? We know Simon wanted to hurt reader. Why? Did he plan

Spoiler below, read at own caution

Or was he just sick of being the only one out of the four guys to actually contribute to the relationship and knew he needed to be the one to drive it home that there isn't a future with them? Reader refers to Simon several times as her body guard or guard dog... But never a boyfriend or partner.

In flashbacks, we see that Simon only ever came over at night. You'll find out why in the next few chapters, but as much as I love y'all hating on Simon, I cannot WAIT for y'all to get to the why.

And remember kiddos, hurt people hurt people.

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

I Can See You | Spencer Reid

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: When Penelope's best friend comes to help out the BAU on a couple of cases, there's an immediate connection with the youngest of the team. After longing glances, soft touches and wild fantasies, the truth comes out accidentally. What is the resident genius going to do with that information?

Warnings: mention of serial killers and bombings, inappropriate thoughts

Author's note: I've wanted to write this one every single time I listened to the song but when @pastanest wrote it first, I was scared to do it too because that one is just too good (read it here)!! Anyways, hope y'all like this one, too :)

Words: 3K

Being Penelope Garcia’s best friend came with a lot of perks. Aside from it being impossible to ever be sad around her, it also came with the perk of doing the odd job at Quantico. We had met during her days as the Black Queen online and ever since, she had taught me all she knew about hacking and tech analysis. While she worked for the FBI, I worked across the yard at the Capitol as tech support. 

Her job was a little more tantalizing – sometimes more traumatizing – than mine. While I simply helped the employees with their technical issues, Penelope actually helped save people. 

And sometimes, she called for my help with a case whenever she figured everything would go so much faster with some helping hands and flexible fingers. 

The first time she had called me on a case, I didn’t even know what I was in for. She just told me to get to Quantico as soon as I possibly could, that it was a matter of life and death. So, I packed everything up, and rushed across the street to the FBI building. I didn’t even bother to tell my boss. I was certain Penelope’s boss would vouch for me and get me out of trouble, even though I had  never met him. 

“Thank you so much for coming, y/n/n,” said Penelope as she took me into a hug as soon as I burst through the front doors and into the hallway. 

“Penny, what’s happening? Are you okay?” I asked and held her at a short distance to inspect her for any injuries. 

She waved away my question. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said and grabbed my hand to drag me towards reception where I had to register. It wasn’t until after my bag had been inspected and I passed through security that she started to explain what was happening. “We’re working on this really tough case and though my dainty fingers are quick at tip tapping away on the keyboard, I’m gonna need your genius to get me the answers twice as fast.” 

On the way up to the sixth floor, she briefed me about the case, just so I was up to speed before we actually started. I was too distracted listening to her rambles that I didn’t even notice another person rushing through the hallway on our way from the elevators to her office. 

My shoulder bumped into theirs, causing me to stumble ever so slightly, but firm hands on my shoulders kept me from actually falling. “Oof, sorry!” The both of us apologized at the same time. 

What I didn’t expect to happen when I looked up at the person was being so taken aback by the beautiful pair of eyes that locked onto mine. The hazel orbs had tiny gold specks in them, making them look almost honey-colored. 

I was so distracted by his eyes, I didn’t catch Penelope’s mischievous smirk she would only get whenever she had expertly set me up with someone when we were out at a bar or a party. 

“Y/N/N, this is my wonderful colleague and resident genius, Spencer Reid. Reid, this is my almost-as-sexy-and-smart-as-me best friend, y/n y/l/n,” she introduced us as the guy – Spencer – retracted his hands from my shoulders, convinced I was steady enough on my feet. 

He offered me a smile that nearly wiped me off my feet again. “Hi, nice to meet you.” 

My lips curled into a smile that mirrored his. He didn’t offer his hand to shake, so I decided not to offer mine, either. “Ditto, Spencer,” I said instead, unable to tear my eyes away from his. 

“Okay,” Penelope then interrupted, “Enough chit-chat. We gotta go!” As I managed a quick wave at Spencer, my best friend pulled me along to her office where we settled behind her computer screens. While she explained how her system worked, my mind involuntarily drifted off to the disarming genius I met in the hallway. 

For hours, Penelope and I worked on the case together, taking turns in getting drinks and food to keep us nutritioned. We were discussing a list of potential UnSubs after we had finished our lunch and I was chewing on the straw of my Sprite when Spencer burst into the room. 

“Garcia, y/l/n, I’ve got something to narrow the search,” he said, causing my heart to flutter at how my last name sounded from his lips. He leaned between us, placing a piece of paper on the desk. His stomach was pressed against my shoulder whilst his arm brushed mine. 

A chill ran down my spine, but I remained poised, trying to be professional. “Those are the places he went to in the last twenty-four hours?” I asked, deducting the theory from the map in front of me. 

Spencer had drawn lines across the map, connecting at least five dots. “Uh-huh,” he hummed, then leaned in closer, his face right next to mine. “We were able to get these locations from the GPS of the rental car he used and ditched at the last murder site.” 

His breath felt hot against my skin, but it didn’t stop me from starting to tap away on the keyboard, trying to find any CCTV footage from any of the establishments in the neighborhood of those locations. Within seconds, I’d found some footage from a service station where the UnSub was seen leaving the shop. 

“Was this what you needed?” I asked sassily and turned my head to look at him. He was a lot closer than I anticipated him to be, my nose nearly grazed his cheek. Even up close he was pretty. 

He stood up straight again, much to my dismay, and offered me a shy smile. “Only if you can give me a name, too,” he told me. 

Raising my eyebrows challengingly, I turned back to the computer and ran the footage through Penelope’s software. Within seconds, I found a name, his age and address, which was someone on the list of suspects Penelope and I had been looking at for the past ten minutes. 

“Can you send that to the team?” he asked as he took out his phone, already dialing one of the team’s numbers. 

“Already did, pretty boy,” I smirked and watched as he walked away with a quick ‘thank you��� thrown over his shoulder towards us. When I turned back to Penelope, she looked at me with that teasing look she would only ever give me when she was about to give me shit. “What?” I asked. 

“Nothing,” she sang, though her face said something else entirely. 

I didn’t feel like getting into it. It wasn’t like I was going to see Spencer again. This was a one-time thing. Or at least, that was what I thought. It wasn’t until Penelope called me two weeks later with the same request. Even then I managed to stay somewhat professional around Spencer. 

But they didn’t leave it at two times. At least five more cases, I was asked to help Penelope out on. It didn’t bother me, at all. In fact, I actually enjoyed helping the BAU team on their cases. It gave me the opportunity to work together with my very best friend as well as secretly flirt with the young doctor. And, you know, learn something new and everything.

Every time I saw him, I could just imagine him pushing me against a wall and kissing me senseless. Every brush of the arm, every longing gaze we directed to one another. It all drove me completely insane, but there was not much I could do about it but sit back and act as professional as I possibly could. 

When we finished case number five, I was packing up my stuff and exited Penelope’s lair. My mind was still racing with the images I had seen about this gruesome case, but all of it seemingly cleared up when my eyes landed on the person standing at the very end of the hallway. 

“Oh, hi, Spencer,” I greeted with a smile as I approached him. 

He offered me that same knee-buckling smile. “Hi, y/n. I wanted to-uh, I wanted to check up on you. See if you were doing all right?” 

I wanted to push him against the wall and kiss his jaw. That man was the most considerate person alive and it was absolutely turning me on. Coughing, I recomposed myself. I couldn’t act upon these feelings building inside of me. 

“I am,” I said. “Though, I got to admit, this last case was a whole lot more brutal than the previous ones I helped on. It’s gonna haunt me for days.” I let out a chuckle, taking my eyes off him for a second. 

Spencer hummed. “Yeah, it, uh, it takes a while to get used to it.” 

“Do you ever get used to that?” 

Chuckling, Spencer shook his head. “No, not really…” 

A chuckle rolled off my lips too and for a moment, the two of us fell silent. It was a comfortable silence with the two of us just gazing into each other’s eyes as if we were under a spell. I knew that if I didn’t break eye contact, I would actually kiss him. 

“I, uh, I’m gonna go home,” I told him and finally tore my gaze off him. 

“Right,” he mumbled and turned towards the elevator. “You-uh, you want me to walk you to your car?” 

Eyes widening, I almost immediately let out a sharp, “No!” The moment he and I would’ve stepped out together, I would’ve jumped his bones. I coughed to recompose myself again. “No, I’m okay,” I repeated, softer this time. 

“Oh, okay,” Spencer nodded and stepped aside. “Well, I’ll, uh… I’ll see you another time then?” 

I offered him a smile. “Yeah, see you next time.” 

From the second I left the BAU, Spencer occupied my mind for the foreseeable future. Every corner I turned, every meal I had, every day I worked at my regular day job at the Capitol,... Spencer had taken over my mind and every fiber of my being. 

It had been a good week since I had last seen the BAU team, since I had last spoken to Spencer. I couldn’t focus at all. He was all I could think about to the point where I couldn’t even properly function. I had to do something about it. Even if it was just getting that feeling of frustration off my chest. 

That was why I had marched my way over to the BAU, went through the protocol at FBI security and clipped on my Visitor’s badge before trudging down to Penelope’s lair where I burst through the door without even knocking. She had given me the code to get in, so I didn’t have to knock. 

“Y/N? What are you–”

I ignored her and plopped down on the sofa with a groan. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Penny,” I told her defeatedly, resting my head back against the back of the sofa and looking up at the ceiling. 

“About what?” she asked. 

“Spencer, of course.” I didn’t catch Penelope’s wide-eyed look as I continued my tirade. “Unfortunately, I need him in a way that will defy the laws of space and time and set feminism back seventy years.” Rubbing my hands over my face, I rolled my head back to look at my best friend, who hadn’t given her unsolicited opinion immediately like she always did. 

That was when I saw the look of horror on her face. “Sugar plum,” she started, “Don’t be mad but…” My eyes landed on the device with the blinking red light behind her. She had been on a call and I could all but guess who was on that call. 

“No,” I muttered, my heart plummeting to my stomach and my cheeks heating up in embarrassment. “Don’t tell me –” 

Penelope pressed a button, putting her coworkers on speaker rather than through her headset. All I could hear was Derek’s and Emily’s giggles. “Wow, y/n,” came JJ’s voice, a bemused lilt in her tone. “I did not expect that coming from you.” 

I squeezed my eyes shut before rushing forward and pressing what I thought to be the mute button. “Why didn’t you mute us as soon as I came in?” I asked before starting to pace the length of the room, but didn’t give Penelope the chance to answer. “Now everyone knows and to make it all worse – Spencer now knows.” 

“Oh, mama, it’s not like we didn’t already know,” came Morgan’s voice through hiccups of laughter. 

“PENELOPE!” I screeched, realizing I hadn’t pressed the right button. 

With a simple shrug, Penelope turned to me. “Maybe it’s not so bad?” she tried and I just groaned in frustration before turning on my heel and leaving her lair. Now I had to debate whether to wait for Spencer to come back and explain everything to him or to just go home and never show my face here again. 

There wasn’t much of a chance for me to think about it because the team quickly filed back into the offices. As soon as my eyes landed on Spencer, I froze. Our eyes met and I could tell he wanted to tell me something, but there was a serial bomber to catch. Rather than leaving and going home, I decided to stick around and help Penelope. 

But before I could head over to Penelope’s lair, it was impossible to avoid the other’s relentless comments. Through a sea of giggles and quoting of what I had said to Penelope in confidence, I made my way through the bullpen, rolling my eyes. 

“I’m gonna get a cup of tea,” I told Penelope, getting up from my seat in her lair. “You want one?” 

“Yes, please, sugar,” she answered without taking her eyes off her screen. 

With a chuckle, I left the office and made my way to the break room where I put on the kettle for two cups of tea. While I busied myself picking out a flavor, my mind drifted off to what I could possibly say to Spencer if I ever got the chance. 

“Oh,” I heard the mumble behind me and when I turned around, I found Spencer in the doorway. “Hi.” He smiled a little awkwardly before making his way to the coffee pot. 

I returned the gesture. “Hi.” 

My eyes were trained on him while he poured the coffee and scribbled something down on a notepad beside him. My mind filtered through every possible word combination possible. I was so distracted, the click of the kettle turning off startled me. 

As I poured the hot water into two cups, Spencer placed a folded piece of paper in front of me on the counter and scurried away before I could possibly react. Curiosity rising within me, I unfolded the piece of paper, only to find “Meet me tonight” written in his scrawny handwriting. 

“That’s not vague at all,” I scoffed before pocketing it and continuing making the tea. Once the teabags were in, I made my way back to Penelope’s office, but not without one last glance at Spencer in the bullpen. Together with Derek and Emily, he was bent over a file on Emily’s desk. 

He seemingly felt my eyes on him as he, too, looked at me. Feeling my cheeks heat up underneath his gaze, I quickly looked away and rushed towards my best friend. I leaned my back against the door as soon as I shut it, trying to catch my breath. 

“What’s gotten into you, pumpkin?” Penelope asked when she saw the state of me. 

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, annoyed at myself that I let a man make me feel this way. “Not Spencer, unfortunately.” My best friend let out a loud cackle. “He gave me this note–” I placed her octopus mug in front of her before handing her the note. 

“That’s vague,” she mumbled, her brows furrowed. 

“Exactly what I thought,” I grumbled. “He was gone before I could even ask.” 

Penelope tsked before patting the chair that had been mine for the last couple of weeks. With a sigh, I plopped down carefully so as to not spill my hot tea. For the next hour, I tried to focus on the case more than on Spencer and what I was going to say to him. 

However, it was hard not to think about him. 

So, once the case was wrapped up, I packed up my stuff and went out to the hall where Spencer had waited for me merely a week ago. I didn’t even bother to say goodbye to Penelope as I would be seeing her soon anyway and she knew I had to do what I had to do. 

It took a couple of minutes before Spencer walked out of the bullpen, eyes focused on the phone in his hand. 

“‘Meet me tonight’?” I asked, capturing his attention. His honey eyes met mine, his lips twitching into a smile. “Could you be any more vague?” 

“Sorry,” he chuckled and chucked his phone into his pocket again. “I just–” he sighed, unable to finish his sentence. Another soft laugh rolled off his lips as he looked down to the squeaky-clean floor of the FBI Headquarters. He looked back up at me, his eyes tender and searching for something I didn’t even know. 

“What?”

Not even bothering to answer my question, Spencer grabbed my hand and tugged me into the closest room, which happened to be the family room. As soon as the door was shut, he pushed me against the wall by kissing me, his hands on my hips to hold me in place. 

“Does this set feminism back seventy years?” he asked between kisses to my lips and jaw. 

My toes curled and my stomach fluttered. This was all I had been dreaming of ever since I met him that first day. I had wanted him flush against me, fingers tangling up in my hair and his tongue warm against mine. 

“No,” I breathed while he worked his way down my neck in open-mouthed kisses. “But it does defy the laws of space and time.” 

The words seemingly set something animalistically off in Spencer as his kisses became hungrier and his hands roamed my body in ways I had never been touched before. He gave me enough to brag to Penelope about the next day. 

He gave me everything I had been dreaming of. 

Everything taglist: @calamitykaty@littlemissaddict @n0wornever @wanniiieeeee @unnowhatthisistbhbh

Criminal Minds Taglist: @boimlers-gonna-boim @samsbirks@tinaasthings @dysphoricsanity @love4lando @elenamoncada-ibarra @r-3dlips @magstheslayer @astess 

[savnofilter]

Bakugo w/ Quiet!S/O HCs

          Pro Hero!Katsuki Bakugo x [GN]Reader

CONTENT WARNING(S): sfw, fluff, reader has no specified profession, bumped into each other and person B picks up papers for Y person trope, strangers -> friends -> lovers (established relationship).

COUNT: 600 words.

I/B: i wanna show you my challenge LMAOO

READ MORE: masterlist + [students | bakugo masterlist]

A/N: ahhh i loved doing this rec lol. i couldnt come up with a specific job for reader sjejeje IM SORRY. i keep doing the same ones over and over too. 😭🙏🏽 so it's left undecided. it's not that serious but im mentioning it anyways lol. AND I KID YALL NOT, THINKING ABOUT THAT TIKTOK IS WHAT INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THIS LMAOSNSNMESK. anyways thank you, anon! ☠️

most people would think that you two wouldn't go or be together… but y'all together real bad. like real mf bad.

the one thing about you two is that he can understand you without you having to say anything.

this inclination to understand what you're thinking is what helped you bond.

it started off with him literally being like,

"Watch where you're going, what's wrong with you???"

You gave an apologetic look, one close to tears as his outburst startled you greatly. You were already late for a meeting and now you were being yelled at. On top of that, this awful interaction had just caused you to drop all your papers that were needed for your job.

You mutter an apology and kneel down to pick up the scattered papers. Bakugo lifts his brow as he watches you scramble and sighs a cuss under his breath at how passive you are. He begrudgingly bends down to start helping you pick up your stuff, feeling bad for his upfront behavior. He's much quicker than you probably because he mixed up the papers around, but he stands back and fixes them into a pile, looking down at your gaping expression at his aggressive niceness.

"Get your shit, c'mon."

You nod and frantically collect your stuff as you stand, pointing in the direction you need to go whilst he holds your stuff for you.

you're the type of person who has to get close to talk to people, (cough) ex; weather report (cough).

after Bakugo being intrigued about your—let's be real—odd way of communicating, you two became friends and it was inevitable that you two would start dating.

Bakugo would never admit it but he liked the fact that you so close to him to talk wksksksks like it's such a weak spot for him.

+ prefers to keep you close anyways.

he knows that you're pretty freaking smart since he did some snooping around when you first became friends to know more 'bout you.

+ because y'know…. you're that much of a talker lol. 😭

your answers were usually short and sweet and there were rarely times where your voice would inflict and you could ramble about something you were passionate about.

since you two weren't in the same careers although the same field, you had a lot of well rounded-ness about you.

one of the days when you accompanied him to the gym, he jokingly challenged you to spar with him, even going as far to pick you up and bring you to the mat.

he had given you an onslaught of tickles, one that had you giggling and playfully pushing him away until it was tew much and you shoved him a little tew hard.

Bakugo was so stunned at how hard he had fell back on his own butt. that doesn't normally happen when he's not sparring with a fellow hero.

that day he left you be, but later on he'd tease and test you to see how much you were truly hiding.

of course he wasn't forcing you into situations you didn't want to be in, but he finds it so amusing of how much you can truly exert in strength being the twerp you are.

there's even a few times where he bribes you to lift heavy ass weights just to admire how strong you are lmaoo.

he's genuinely so into you that everything you do keeps him entertained.

never would he have guessed the quiet person he had never glanced at before could be so…. unique.

    all rights reserved © do NOT steal, alter or copy this work.

[desertfangs]

Just thinking about that bit in DM where it says that seeing Armand truly angry is rare but Daniel is 100% into it. “How he loved this anger, his knees went from under him.”

Literally everyone else: *gets understandably terrified whenever Armand is pissed*

Daniel: “yep I’m hard” 🙂‍↕️

I hope you'll forgive me, anon, because I know you sent this a while ago and I saw it while my brain was freshly mashed from work and said 'I will come back to this' and then promptly forgot about it. 😅 You have my apologies, because hot damn, this is an amazing thing to call out?? So thank you! I'd kind of forgotten it.

Here is the quote from Queen of the Damned:

Why the urgency of the command when the hand that pulled him forward was so strong? Such a rare thing to see Armand truly angry. Ah, how Daniel loved this anger! His knees went out from under him. He felt himself lifted. And then the soft velvet of the back seat of the car spread out under him. He fell over on his hands. He closed his eyes.

This is when Armand finally comes for Daniel in Chicago, and he's so happy to see him that he thinks for a second he's imagining it! Which... god, I just love them so much.

I think you're right that Daniel is a little turned on by Armand being angry (Daniel Molloy being horny for this angry fanged monster is how he rolls), but he also just appreciates the intensity of Armand in a way I think maybe others don't always. Lestat, for example, is often taken aback by the intensity of Armand's anger (and other emotions).

But the other thing I think is going on here is that Armand is very often stoic. He keeps his expression unreadable and blank. He holds in his emotions and I think this is doubly true when Armand is upset or mad.

Daniel, over the years, has obviously seen the range of them--he's seen Armand cry, he's seen him rage and laugh and be excited and angry. But I think Armand still tends to hold things in and I think that can be frustrating, because Daniel can't read his mind and doesn't know what he's thinking. So getting Armand to show his emotions probably always feels like something of a victory. I imagine when they fight, Daniel feels like he's beating against a brick wall until Armand finally cracks.

In this particular case, Armand finding Daniel and being visibly angry is sort of a relief. He's not holding back. He's emotional and he's angry because Daniel put himself in danger, because he loves him and had to track him down while immortals are being exploded by some mysterious force left and right. The anger means he's not being rigid and unreadable, but open.

Anyhow, that is me rambling, but yes, I think Daniel does like his displays of emotion and that he would happily take his anger that over the Impassive Statue Act any day... err, night.

Thank you so much for the ask, anon, I love when y'all send me little bits from DM that have burrowed into your mind. Please keep doing it.

[awhumpityblog]

I have an upcoming procedure, so I thought I'd share some related stuff y'all might use in your own works (man oh man this really is becoming Medical Whump Inspired By My Own Real Life Struggles: The Sideblog, huh?)

First off, anticipation for medical procedures sucks, especially when your past experiences didn't go badly per se, but didn't exactly go as planned, either. For example, my only other experience with sedation saw me go properly to sleep and struggle to wake up after, and now we have ambient worries about things going like that again.

Also, when you have a scheduled procedure, you can be given a heck of a lot of papers to read through. You know, how the anaesthetic works, how the procedure works, and a whole double-sided page on potential risks and complications. Might share that one later, who knows?

And this last one more falls into the "bad caretaker" side of things, but doctors and specialists can have a weird idea of what counts as healthy. Yaboy is apparently healthy because I am 20 and not dying yet, but at the same time I have symptoms usually only seen in old people, and have since I was a kid. Even if doctors do take you somewhat seriously, they can still be bad about it. A whumpee with a pile of injuries and chronic symptoms can still be looked at by a professional and undergo essentially surgical procedures, and is still considered and treated as healthy the whole time.

Apologies if this little post was a bit rambly, I have a lot on my mind :)

[worldsbiggestnerd101]

intro post!!

hi there! my name’s emmy, welcome to my blog! i’ve been here for a good while now but since i’ve started to gain more attention, i figured it was time to make an intro post!

basic info:

name(s): em/emmy/emeline, angie/angel (no preference)

age: minor (NO NSFW BULLSHIT PLEASE)

birthday: january 4 :D

orientation/sexuality: bisexual (femme/wlw leaning)

gender: cis girl

pronouns: she/her (they/them is ok but not preferred)

nationality: born and raised in the US of A (new york babyyyyyyy), but my parents are guyanese, so i’d say guyanese american

race: mixed, my mom has light skin (she gets mistaken as hispanic a lot) and my dad has medium brown skin so i’m somewhere in the middle (i too get mistaken for hispanic a lot)

other info: i’m neurodivergent, possibly autism or adhd (or both) but i was a “gifted” kid if that counts for anything, oh and i have anxiety

fandoms:

this a multifandom blog, so while i do have my phases/eras/hyperfixations, i will be posting about multiple fandoms at once, even if one’s taking up more posts than the others combined.

here are some of my mains!

roblox piggy

murder drones

hazbin hotel + helluva boss

gravity falls

ride the cyclone

welcome home

it’s easiest to tell what my current main hyperfixation is by just looking at my pfp/blog theme, as i’ll usually set it to something related to my current biggest hyperfix. i’ll update this list as needed, but i’m also active in the percy jackson, american girl, and stranger things fandoms. i’m also into a lot of cartoons, like she-ra and the princesses of power, steven universe, the owl house, carmen sandiego, mlp gen 4, etc. so feel free to ask about those! i’m also a major theater kid, some of my favorite shows are hamilton, dear evan hansen, wicked, mean girls, beetlejuice, and six, so you can ask about any of those too! (i’ve only seen wicked and hamilton 😭)

links

ok so all my links to other posts or blogs or accounts or anything really are here!!

youtube: here!!

hazbin hotel high school au masterpost: here!!

discord server bullshittery masterpost: here >:3

tags

#em rambles - original post tag

#asks - any and all asks i get!!

#mutuals - any asks from/posts about my mutuals will be tagged with this, and it's like a guarantee that you'll get your own name tag too!!

#anon - if you send me an anon ask, just look here to find it :D

#emmy’s edits - all my original edits!! they’re up on my youtube too but you can find them here under that tag

#hazbin high school au - my own au!! i made this by myself with a few ideas from friends but this is like my own creation that i'm working on!!

EDIT: AS OF 07/06/2024, ANYTHING RELATING TO HELLUVA BOSS S2E9 APOLOGY TOUR WILL NOT BE TAGGED AS SPOILERS. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE EPISODE I ADVISE AGAINST SCROLLING.

edit: as of 07/16/2024 i have a girlfriend!! her name is hannie, aka the wonderful amazing absolutely adorable @furryrainbowscreature i love her so much <333

dni:

homophobes, transphobes

supporters of israel

queer exclusionists (anti "conflicting" labels, terfs, etc)

racists

blogs with heavy amounts of nsfw content (i’m a teenager so. please.)

sexists/misogynists

pedos/“maps”

so yeah i think that’s about it!! thanks for reading y'all <3

also: FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸

[wannaeatramyeon]

ur stuff is so fun to read!! if its ok w u, could u do a taehoon x reader fic where theyre training together and taehoon goes a little too hard on reader? like reader gets upset bc they didnt expect taehoon to go so rough on them and then taehoon spends the rest of the day trying to make it up to them?? ;w; tysm if u do!! have a good one ★

tysm for reading and requesting anon! OF COURSE I CAN! There's a few requests for if X hurts their S/O or the reader. Y'all wanting that sympathy huh?

Seong Taehoon x Reader: Getting accidentally kicked

You had thought that if you were on the receiving end of a kick or a punch, you would be cursing with at least a handful of expletives on reflex. In a serious fight, preferably the adrenaline would flow and you would be able to give back as good as you got.

You had grossly overestimated yourself.

It turns out that, on the receiving end of one of Taehoon's kicks square in the stomach, it actually hurts so much that you cannot utter a sound, struggle to even catch your breath. Bending over double, collapsing to your knees, praying the waves of nausea will pass.

Strong, calloused hands grip you and hold you steady.

It also turns out that Taehoon cannot shut up. Your boyfriend, the sometimes silent but often offensive and deadly type, rambles on and on after the initial shock.

In hindsight, you're not sure which of you is more surprised at his reaction.

"Why the fuck didn't you block? You stupid dumbass. You should have stopped me. How the hell didn't you see that coming? Are you ok? I didn't know you were so weak. I barely even touched you, dipshit. Did I leave a bruise? Were you even paying attention? I didn't mean to hit you so hard. Are you alright? Ugh we shouldn't be sparring, I was worried this would happen!"

Insults and concern all rolling into one big ball of frustration.

And then the waterworks start. You couldn't help it. The pain and Taehoon being so in your face. It's overwhelming. And honestly? Did it also hurt that bastard to hold back a little.

Taehoon absolutely panics. Sure, he's seen you cry before but not because of him hurting you.

Panic leads to your boyfriend not being able to leave you alone. At all.

You don't know whether it starts annoying you or Taehoon first.

Initially, it was fine. You were the one that got the sympathy attention. You didn't mind Taehoon fulfilling your every whim, asking if you're ok, running around for you.

But then it worsened from you being too lazy to do anything to you being forbidden to do anything.

Worried glances drifting to your stomach and ribs every minute, on the minute. Thinned lips and narrowed eyes when you moved at all. Strong arms holding you back and restraining you with an irritable huff and "I'll do it".

If you weren't allowed to do anything then you might as well do nothing.

Might as well just sit there and sulk.

Where the hell had your little nutjob gone? Why was he replaced by a mother hen incessantly clucking around you?

In the end, it was more pain that broke the tension.

Taehoon, in your opinion, flicks you excessively hard on the forehead. A truce, of sorts.

"I know I'm pissing you off. Be careful next time," he says, leaving you to your own devices.

A non-apology from anyone else, a half-apology because you know him.

So you continue to sit and you continue to sulk, only without the presence of your boyfriend next to you.

It feels surprisingly lonely.

Maybe you were too quick to let your temper get the better of you. After all, Taehoon was just trying to look after you, in his own way. It led to you both butting heads but it's the thought that counts.

If you consider it, what exactly are you complaining about? 'Oh no, my boyfriend wanted to make sure I was ok?' Actually, he was overbearing and a little too much. Still.

You grab your phone and reach out-

Y/N: thanks for looking after me

Taehoon: 👍

A thumbs up is good, a thumbs up means it's fine. You know he has no reservation about outright ignoring you.

And because you really do love and appreciate that asshole-

Y/N: love you

Taehoon: 👍

Not 2 minutes later-

Taehoon: ❤️

Taehoon: 🤡

[soupyloopyx]

Intro Post! (it's been a long time coming)

anyone can join the soupyloopy squad! ^ (creds: made by me)

finally doing an intro post guyss

hi!!!! i'm soph <3

you can call me so many things, like soupy or whatever, but the government calls me sophy.

i go by she/her pronouns, i'm a minor, and i'm a gemini with capricorn moon and aquarius rising, which means i'm better than you btw

i absolutely love taylor. i'm going to the eras tour in 2 days (19th august!) which means that i'll probably miss a rep tv announcement by one day :/

i'm english! born and raised in london, bitches

i really love english, writing, etc., and you really can't tell from my lack of capital letters, but i am so particular about SPaG, it's crazy. i get so mad when someone uses the wrong your/you're or there/their/they're 😭😭

highlights of my life so far: sirius black rp acc following me back wtf, loads of people that i admire following me back, getting 1000 hits on a fic i wrote, getting tickets to the eras tour, getting SIGNED TTPD LIKE WHAT THE HELL, managing to get signed short n sweet an HOUR after it dropped

also!!!

i love reading and writing fanfics normal books. 100% normal. a real book that has been published and not ao3.

but if you also like fanfics normal books, i would be forever grateful if you check out my ao3, Soupy_x! thank youu

i actually have no idea what to put here so apologies for rambling >.>

[shrimp-buffet]

LARRY & LAWRIE HEADCANONS #3

(Headcanons after the cut, I ramble for a bit)

*head pops out of grave* I'M ALIVEEE

Yeah I know I say this in practically every post but I finally got something again! school and other stuff kicked my ass and honestly i wasn't sure how interested really was in making these until I missed them! So while I can't guarantee any consistent posting knowing me, I can at least say that I do plan to keep doing these and I'm hoping to branch out into other fandoms so that me making these doesn't fully depend on me having a Brawl Stars hyperfixation.

Anyways as a sort of apology for the lack of content, I bring you the follow up I know many have been waiting for: LARRY AND LAWRIE PART 3 BABY!

Hope you enjoy!

Fair warning: this one may be a small bit angsty in some spots. Nothing that would need an actual warning but didn't want to jumpscare y'all with surprise sadness.

Larry based, Lawrie based, both

•Larry's most rebellious action would be putting a soda can in the non-recycling bin... Then feeling extremely guilty and fishing it back out to put it in the correct bin when no one is looking.

•Lawrie has an apocalypse bunker hidden somewhere in the park. It's only for them, Larry, and RT.

•Lawrie likes Bob Ross! They don't like to paint all that much though. Larry does like painting but he's really bad at it.

•They've never been outside the park before. Lawrie is pretty content with that fact and doesn't want to leave, but Larry wants to see what's out there and occasionally asks parkgoers about it.

•Larry gets along well with animals (add this and the last one and Larry is a fricking Disney princess- /j)

•Lawrie is the exact opposite, all animals hate them and they hate all animals in return.

•As somewhat implied already, Lawrie is kind of leaning towards a "hate all biological life" mindset. They don't actually full-on hate lifeforms entirely, but people don't really like them so they don't like people, that kind of deal. This leads Lawrie to sometimes say stuff teetering on the "kill all humans" line but Larry calls it out and Lawrie would always agree they're going a bit too far.

•Larry as usual is the opposite. He finds life and people to be so interesting and envies their experiences. They even somewhat avoid hanging out with other robots because it reminds him that he's also just a robot, though he doesn't even realize this thought process. He would never admit it, but he kind of wishes he was human. Lawrie can sense this so it causes some arguments between the two.

•On a more light-hearted note, Larry has a bit of a crush on Melodie! She's very pretty, sings beautifully, and does whatever she wants and says anything on her mind, all of which Larry loves and admires.

•Out of all the people in the park, Lawrie gets along with Draco and Hank the best. Draco is more of a frien-emy that can get on their nerves a lot but they have a lot of similar interests like music taste. And Hank is a semi-friendly rival.

•Larry, Lawrie, and R-T were all made on the same day. When it comes to the birthday though they celebrate it as R-T's day cause they just love their "baby" sibling. (Plus in Lawrie's case they just don't like the idea of having their own birthday)

•Larry is scared of Cordelius. He just gives them the creeps and somehow always manages to accidentally sneak up on Larry. (Same goes for Lily)

•Larry has a notebook they carry around to do made up math problems in when they're bored.

•Lawrie usually never wishes they could eat food, but he does wish he could try chocolate.

•They tend to play "road trip" games when they're bored on a patrol together. Things like Eye Spy, 20 Questions, Alphabet Game, etc. They both really enjoy it!

•They also listen to true crime podcast together.

And that's all I got for now! Thank you for reading this far!! As always if you'd like more let me know!!!

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Character voice

Thanks @aziz-reads here!

Rules: rewrite the given line in your OCs' voices

“Please stop crying.”

Lexi: “Omigosh, I'm so so sorry, it's... It's okay... You can stop crying now....”

Maddie: “Um... Look you, uh, don't need to cry. Maybe... I dunno, do you need a hug or something?"

Ash: “Hey, stop crying, there's nothing to worry about!”

Gwen: “Shhh... It's okay... You don't need to cry anymore.”

Robbie: “Alright, c'mon. No need to cry! Let's do something you want to do.”

Akash: “Woah, woah...dude, it's okay. Y'don't need to cry. What can I do to help?”

Jedi: “My sincerest apologies. But I'm afraid crying may not be of much use in this situation. Would you like some water to help keep you hydrated?”

Carmen: “All that crying is very distracting, would you mind stopping?”

Tagging @katelynnwrites @satohqbanana @awritingcaitlin @goldfinchwrites @noelle-writes-pirates

+ ANYONE ELSE

Y'all's prompt: “How can you even enjoy that book?”

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet

[turtletaubwrites]

Turtletaub Blog, WIP, & Health Update

I wanted to put this out there so no one freaks out! My daily queue is going to run out in a few days. I initially used the queue for my adhd, so I wouldn’t spam you for three weeks and then forget to reblog things for months, and I didn’t tag it before since I was on here everyday. Now that it’s going to run out, I’ll be adding to it and I’ll tag it as #turtlequeb

Things have still been unfun over here lately, but I’m okay, and health things are hopefully looking up. There's a health/life update/ramble below the cut if you're interested.

Part 32 is almost done, and I’m going bonkers waiting for y’all to read it. The current life situations have taken up a lot of my free time and energy, but it’s soo close! 😭

I’m also working on a brief dossier for our suitors since I’ve done way too much research on these guys, and I know how hard it is to keep track of all of these characters in this giant One Piece world!

I miss y’all so much. I feel extra yucky that in my current struggles I’m having such a hard time focusing and connecting, especially since this community has helped me get through such difficult times. I’m really hoping that I can get back to the things I enjoy soon, especially interacting with my favorite internet fiends! 🥰

Health/life update below the cut: (cw health, mental health, medications, side effects, depression, bipolar disorder, doctors)

It’s wild just how much medication can help people.

Without the Lamictal that I took for three years, I have reverted into severe depression, and it has been debilitating.

It’s like I WAS an adult with full control (lol, mostly) over my mental and physical capacities, but now that I'm off the medication, I have reverted to a child, a preteen, a helpless human with no ability to regulate my own emotions, or even influence my own behaviors.

For the last three years, I was finally able to utilize my intellect, my experience, and my wisdom, while dealing with stressful situations.

Now I feel like I'm 13 again, lost, desperately clinging to distractions to keep from dying inside, from falling apart, or disappearing.

But it turns out that the whole reason for going off of the medication might have been avoided.

During these treasured three years of mental stability, I experienced symptoms that negatively impacted my physical, and mental health. I went to doctor after doctor for this unusual issue, only to be told that there was nothing to be done.

Until I finally got the referral to a specialist last week, and they immediately diagnosed the actual issue, and said that the other concern was false.

So all of this suffering could have been avoided if one of the 10+ primary care or ER doctors I've begged for help these last 3 years would have said "you know what, this is an unusual and persistent situation, why don't I refer you to a specialist," instead of "this condition you're describing is incurable, take these pills, there's nothing else we can do" (even though it is NOT NORMAL to have these issues consistently for 3 years).

The new specialist caught me dissociating after diagnosing the issue in under five minutes. When I asked about the new med they were prescribing, they apologized that I hadn't been given the opportunity to take it before.

I now have to wait 3 months on this (non psychiatric) med to see if those symptoms will be finally be helped, but now that means I have to/get to retry the mood stabilizer, or something else since Lithium, Concerta, and Hydroxyzine are clearly not enough to keep me functioning.

I fucking advocate for myself y'all, but I was misdiagnosed, and kept getting sent away in tears. Now I'm spacey, dissociated. Still too scared and hurt to hope that this new thing will help.

I'm tired.

All I want to do is write. I will literally take whatever pill lets me get back to my preferred writing schedule. Gimme.

I'm trying not to let guilt pile up about not connecting, about not being able to write like I could when I wasn't severely depressed. Logic brain and depresso brain don't mix though, and my pile of unanswered comments and unread fics here and on Ao3 have been making me sad.

But it's just because I love this lil world, and I WANT to be here. I plan to try Lamictal again, or something else in about a month since I want to give the new med some time to observe any side effects.

For now, my mood stabilizer of choice is endless reaction videos of therapists and rappers reacting to Hi Ren, The Hunger, and Chalk Outlines. Ren's music fucking gets into me when nothing else can, and I'm trying TRYING to remember the lines that sit me down when I start to spiral.

It's helping me write to see him use his pain and trauma to create absolute beauty.

This is a giant ramble, but one more thing, I swear!

When I began writing for our Numbers Girl, and even when we got into her backstory, and trauma things started coming up, I didn't think about it like this. Since I've been diagnosed and medicated for 3 years, my ability to manage most of my psychological symptoms felt amazing. Those conditions went from being disabling to manageable and it was freeing. Writing about dissociation and trauma was easy because I know it all too well, it was satisfying because I wish I had found media to relate to when I was deep in it, and it was healing, because I was on the other side of it.

Now I'm back there. I did not mean to write a reader character dealing with mental health trauma while in the middle of it myself.

Hopefully I can hop back on some meds in a few weeks, and have the physical and mental symptoms I've been struggling with ease up.

I'm a trying.

It just made me sad laugh a couple of times while writing our Numbers Girl going through it recently, because I am now right there with her instead of reaching my hand down the deep, dark hole to help her climb into the light.

But we'll get through it together, and having such wonderful, supportive people cheering on my healing and writing is incredible. I can't begin to describe how grateful I am to all of you, and how excited I am to get back into this amazing community.

Just gotta go easy. Soften. Relax.

Thank you for reading 🙏🏼

Lynna 💜✨