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russellsppttemplates · 11 months ago

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I never knew anybody 'til I knew you (Lando Norris)

Your new job is allowing you to have new experiences, and your heart is not too mad about it either

Note: english is not my first language. After a long time in the books, I'm finally writing for Lando! This is my first long piece and I hope I did well enough!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: curse words, mentions alcohol consumption

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

"I'm just saying, it's closer that way. We can go and get the packages ourselves and sort out any issues with them straight away", Lando reasoned, opening his text message app so he could continue what he wanted to do. "Okay, fine by me. He's got a point, Y/N", Max raised his hands in surrender, looking at you for your opinion.

Working for Quadrant hadn't been a goal you had set out to accomplish in the strict sense of it. You didn't see yourself working for a massive company where people were stuffed in offices where the only way they could know their colleagues' names was when they had online meetings that took far too long and discussed the baseline of the issues. So, when you saw the job offer for someone in the Graphic Design area of work, you looked up the company name and saw their work, fascinated with how the guys had grown this business from streaming online gaming. Later, as you progressed in the recruitment process, you came to learn that Lando and Max also had a more public presence than you had initially figured out, despite all of your friends' insistence that "you can't be that clueless, Y/N, how did you not know that Quadrant was Lando Norris'? I thought you applied because of that", they would say as you shrugged your shoulders, "in this economy, do you think I am that picky about a job? I have my preferences, sure, but I know what I'm worth and I saw the offer was actually quite okay!", you defended yourself.

You ended up getting the spot and, so far, you couldn't complain. Most of the time you worked with Callum, Max and Tara, since your work overlapped with theirs, and every now and again, like right now, Lando would also meet up with you.

"Are you sure it's fine if I go? Your parents know Max, but they haven't met me before. Are you sure they won't find it weird?", you spoke directly to Lando, thinking that his idea, as lovely and kind as it was, didn't account for the facts you were stating.

"Max is coming because he's from the team, and you're from the team, too, so you're coming with us as well", Lando said simply, not seeing the problem.

"But he's been your friend for so long now, I'm a Quadrant Team member", you attempted again, "they don't have to provide for and give a roof to a stranger, I'll find an hotel to spend the night", you offered, wanting to be clear about it.

"You're part of the team, too! Don't worry about that, okay?", Lando said, "besides, mum loves having a full house, she's definitely the host of the family", he smiled, checking the item on his list nd carrying on the meeting.

"When we're there, we'll be able to get our hands on the embroidered Originals collection", Max began, "hopefully they're perfect and we can start working on the website", he gestured as you turned your laptop so they both could see, "this is the concept I've come up with, since this isn't as flashy or as colourful as past collections", you showed them the mood board, looking for disapproval signs but being met with looks of surprise instead, "I know it's not usually what you go for, so I also have another idea here, if you just let m-", you were about to change when Lando slapped your hand away from the mouse and holding it in his, "I really like this one, especially these posts here, I think the ideas are great!", he noted as he set your hand down on the table, "okay, then I can keep working on this", you said, closing the other tab, "do you have something better than this?", Max asked, "seems as good to me!", he offered.

"This is just a draft, I'll invest more time in this and I'll have it ready for the end of the week. That way we can have it ready when the clothes arrive. I'll text Tara to ler her know", you smiled, grabbing your phone as the boys flickered through the ideas, pointing out the different details they liked and wanted to keep.

"I'm way too young for my life to be just this, so please drive safely, Max", you said, buckling your seatbelt and exaggerating your hold on the door handle, "if you weren't such a crucial part of this team, I'd make you reconsider your jokes", he teased back, reversing out of the parking space and initiating the trip.

Lando was already at his parents' house since they had a family gathering the day before, so you and Max were driving up to meet him, "they're really nice people, really chilled as well", Max began, "Adam and Cisca, that is. I can hear you thinking and I'm assuming that is what's going on in your head", he stated.

"I don't want to step on anyone's toes, and I don't want to embarrass anyone or myself even. Can you imagine Lando's parents finding out their son's company has questionable employees? They'll mark me off as some sort of strategy fool or think that I want to take this company down, and I don't!", you uttered out, sharing more than you meant to.

Impostor's Syndrome was a bitch, and it often showed up the moment things got progressively harder, and while you knew you were able to deal with it, the little voice still nagged you.

"Y/N, you're one of the most valuable people we have on the team, and I don't say that lightly. This is Lando's baby, and yes, he's the face of it and that counts for most of it, but the work behind it is just as important and with the numbers we're having, it all comes down to you. Since you joined us the designing aspect of it, - obviously, you wouldn't be the one responsible for accounting, duh -, the compliments have been non stop, it has improved the interactions, too!", he said honestly, "you have nothing to worry about, truly", he comforted, "it's this exit here", he mumbled, checking the GPS and turning on the blinker, slowing down the car as they entered the city.

You didn't have to wait long before he pulled up to a big house, the gravel sound quieting down until it came to a halt when Max stopped the car, "Lando said he'd meet us at the door, I really don't fancy being mistaken by a burglar", he joked, getting out of the car as you did the same, stretching your legs and taking in the sight.

"Max, Y/N! Did you have a good trip?", Lando made himself be heard and seen, walking up to you and grabbing the bags his friend was taking out of the car boot, "I'll take these", he offered, picking up your luggage as you pulled on your backpack, "thanks", you smiled, following him as he led the way into his parents' house.

"My parents are in the kitchen", the Formula One driver said, ushering you to the roomy space after he and Max dropped the bags by the stairs, "Max, dear! We haven't seen you in so long, how are you?", a beautiful woman said. Her hair was brown and her skin was tanned as she hugged Max and Lando, "this is Y/N, she is our graphic designer", he presented you, the older man hugging you and his wife doing the same, "I'm Adam, it's so nice to finally meet you", he smiled warmly, "likewise", you smiled back.

"You can call me Cisca, darling. We've heard so much about you, it's nice to finally put a face to the name", she winked at you as you didn't miss Lando elbowing his mother as he closed his eyes, sighing at her, "thank you for having me over, I hope it's not too much trouble", you thanked again, feeling more at ease at their genuine welcoming greetings.

Lando quickly scrambled an answer, seemingly not wanting his parents to talk, "of course it's fine, no trouble here! Let's get your things upstairs so we can settle in and work!", he clapped his hands, walking to the corridor and up the stairs with Max as you excused yourself.

"This is your room, you have the bathroom on the next door", he pointed on the corridor after he placed your bag and backpack down in the small sofa, "Max is in the office, it's just across the hall and I'm at the end of the hall, if you need anything", Lando offered.

"Thanks, again. Do you guys want to begin now? I just need to put on some fluffy socks and I'm good to go", you said, "yes! Is the dining room okay with your parents? The table is big enough to layout everyhting", Max chirped in, whistling at your room as he looked around, "she got an upgrade, good move!", he tapped his friend's back.

After Lando cleared it with his parents, he was quick to remove the table runner and flower vase from the dining room table, extending it to its biggest size so you had all the space you needed, "you can sit here, Y/N, it's usually where the room heats up faster", he pointed out the radiator, pulling up the chair next to your and typing on his iPad.

"So this is the video idea? I like it, we just need to find some background music for it", Max asserted, grabbing his phone to check the time, "we should get going to pick up the order", he uttered.

"Do you need all of us to go?", you asked, saying the changes in your laptop as you did,

"You can pull your the backseats of your car down, can't you, Max? That way we can bring more boxes, and you and me go", Lando reasoned, looking over at you, "do you mind staying here while we go get them?", he asked, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable.

"I'll be fine, you go", you smiled, opening your notebook and writing down some notes.

"Oh, darling, you could've turned the lights on. Soon enough you'll be like me and need glasses", Cisca said as she stood on by the door, flickering the lights on as your eyes got used to the brightness, "I already wear them, or I should more often anyway", you blushed, suddenly getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar, grabbing your case from your backpack and putting them on.

When Lando and Max left, you decided to work on the website graphics, checking how the campaign would work with the current layout, that you lost track of time.

"May I see what you're working on?", she asked, "it's okay if I may not, I don't want to intrude", she smiled as you pulled up the chair next to you, "I don't know much about these things, but I always get quite fascinated with this part", she said, sitting down and looking at the screen.

Already driving back home, Lando and Max talked about the plans once they arrived, "and that way Y/N can also finish the social media stuff, and maybe you'll have more time to actually make a move on her", he teased.

Lando scoffed, "I'm not trying to make a move on her", he defended himself, "I'm glad to know, because if those moves were what you had, it wouldn't surprise it that it didn't go very far", Max yelped as his friend took the opportunity of the straight road ahead to hit his thigh, "so that's what you talk about? Here I am thinking about business and you're meddling in my love life?".

"I never said it was love life, but since you've admitted it, it's saving me time. So, what are you planning? I could help since this seems to be stalled", Max tried again, holding his hands in protection of his body in case Lando hit him again.

"I wouldn't know where to begin, I mean, it will make things awkward if this goes south, right? I'd never be able to look at her again, much less work with her", Lando admitted, "She's very kept to herself as well, I highly doubt that she'll want to be involved with me in that way. Whoever I date or interact with has to deal with enormous amount of public eye and I wouldn't spring that up on her", Lando mumbled, taking the road exit on his left.

"So you've given this some thought, too. Here we are thinking you're coming to the meetings to help and now you're just blushing when we talk about Y/N", Max joked back as Lando shook his head.

"We're back!", Lando announced, walking inside the dining room while pushing the boxes with Max, "don't worry, mum, we're not scratching the floors", he said, sweetly kissing the side of her head, "are you planning to work for us?", he noticed she was sitting next to you, notebooks of the projects open and sheets and fabrics all over the table in front of you.

"Y/N was kindly showing me the project you're working on, for the launch, and it looks really nice!", she complimented, placing a hand on your shoulder and the other on your arm, "she's been showing me everything, I've probably stolen some valuable time from you, darling, I'm sorry", she slumped her shoulders slightly, "not at all, it's all under way, don't worry", you smiled, easing her worries, "I'll leave you guys to it, how about I make some tea?", she suggest as the three of you nodded.

"We have the boxes here, they're sorted by colours", Lando opened the first box, "these are only for the Originals collection, right?", you checked over, peaking at the blue hoodie he pulled out.

"The sizing is right, right?", Max wondered as Lando stretched it out, "Y/N, can you try these, please? We need to check if the model is good for guys and girls".

Getting up from your spot, you grabbed the vibrant blue piece, feeling its soft texture against your fingertips, "I have wider hips that average, I'm not sure I'm the greatest test model for that", you shrugged your shoulders, "keep that in mind". Taking off your sweater so your torso was covered in a strappy top, you pulled the new garment on, adjusting the strings around the neck so you could pull it all the way down, "Oh, it's so soft", you noticed, "and warm, too. And feels quite good actually, it's not too tight", fumbling with the ribbed material on the bottom as you checked yourself out on the windows now that it was dark outside.

Lando gulped as you did so. Oh, had Lando noticed your hips. To anyone else, it would be another feature of your body, but he was enamoured by them. Your body's curvy outline enticed him and he would be lying if he said that it wasn't the first thing he noticed at first glance when you arrived for you last interview, especially with the tapered pants you had been wearing.

"Looks nice. What do you think, mate?", Max turned to Lando, hoping to get an answer but finding him looking at you, "is there something wrong? I told you I'm not the best mo-".

"It's gorgeous, looks gorgeous", he breathed out just as his mother walked inside carrying a tray with tea and some biscuits, "Here's the tea, guys", she said, setting it on the table, "wow, that's a very nice piece!", she complimented.

"It is, isn't it, Cisca?", Max said, covering up her son as he kept looking at you as you tested the front pocket, not noticing his gaze on you.

"You also have a very beautiful model, you can't ignore that factor in the equation", she complimented you while you grabbed a mug, taking a sip of the warm liquid and hoping it hid your pink cheeks, "thank you", you whispered.

While Lando helped his father with dinner, Max convinced his mother to show you both family albums, and once you had the delicious food they prepared, you excused yourself so you could use the shower, wanting to wash the day of travelling away. Max and Cisca stayed in the living room while Lando helped his father prepare dessert, checking on the apple crumble in the oven so it could get golden brown and not burnt, "so, any life updates recently?", the older man asked.

Lando wasn't around as much as they both would've liked, so often times his visits also came along with news and updates, "not much, racing has been good, it's nice to have a break now, even if it's just two weeks", he offered, looking at the oven.

"And nothing else? I mean, no one special? Your mother is usually the blunt one, but I'm going to try it myself: Y/N is just a Quadrant Team Member?", Adam questioned, noticing his son's cheeks become redder.

"Is it that noticeable? I just hope she doesn't see it as much as you do", Lando groaned, rubbing his cheeks, "maybe you should hope she notices, you know? Maybe she'll admit she likes you, too. You never know", Adam patted his son's back, grabbing the gloves so he could take the tray out of the oven, "she seems like a really nice girl, kind, good work ethic, intelligent, and she's beautiful", he finished as his son sighed, grabbing the vanilla ice cream from the freezer, "she's all of that and so much more".

"Kygo is doing a set tonight", you heard Max say as you walked inside the living room, taking the spot on the sofa next to Lando since his mother had taken your previous spot when you went to use the bathroom, "I've been meaning to ask you guys if you wanted to go, actually. He texted me saying to tell him if we were planning on going", Lando stated.

"Go and enjoy being young, life is not all about work if you can't enjoy yourself", Cisca shared, "dad and I won't complain if you make noise when you get back", she winked.

"Would you like to go, Y/N? You can say no, that's fine, too", Lando turned to you. He knew Max would be down on a heartbeat, but he didn't want you to feel pressured to do something you didn't want to because you were at his parents' place as a guest.

"I'm good, I like his music, too. I've been wanting to see him live for a bit, actually", you smiled, thinking about how lucky you were to be able to have these experiences because of your job and friends.

Later that night, you're getting ready in your room, sitting on the carpeted floor and applying your make-up for the occasion. The dressier outfit you had brought with you consisted of a burnt red top and some pants as it had become the outfit you had felt the most comfortable and confident in to go out. The top complimented your chest and your midsection as your pants looked really good around your hips and butt, your legs elongated by the small heeled shoes you had spent years looking for. They were comfortable, pretty and functional, ticking all the boxes for what you needed for tonight.

"Y/N, can I come in?", your heard Lando knock on the door, welcoming himself when you said he could, "we are leaving in about ten minutes, if that's okay", he said, taking a good look at you as you fiddled with your earring, "yes, fine by me", you smiled looking back in the mirror propped on the bedside table and finally clasping it, looking back at him.

You took his breath away. It was as simple as that. Your hair had your natural curls he loved so much, your makeup complimented your naturally soft beautiful features and your outfit made you look incredible.

"You guys ready?", Max patted the door, propping himself on it as you grabbed your shoes, "I'll put them on downstairs", you said, carrying them in your right hand as you had your small purse on the left.

While you did the small, dainty tie on your shoes, Lando's eyes went straight for your chest, the slightly bent down position granting him an agonisingly teasing angle as he tried his best to look away, "you might want to be less obvious, you don't need to creep her out to get her to be yours", Max whispered in Lando's ear.

As soon as you arrived, Lando and Max walked with you to the VIP area, asking you what you wanted to drink before they went up to get it.

Lando looked great on his white shirt, the light coloured shirt looking great against his tanned skin as the relaxed fit complimented his back, prompting you to make sure you weren't drooling in public. You worked for his company, it would never be a good idea to get romantically involved with him, no matter how many times your heart leaped.

"A very weak Gin and Tonic for you, as requested", Max said as he pushed the cup towards you, carrying nother drink for himself, Lando sitting next to you on the booth and empty handed, "you're not drinking?", you asked, "I'm driving us all home today, I'm want to do it safely", he stated, tapping his hands on the table when he saw Kygo, signalling him to approach you.

"Hey Lando, Max", he smiled, "I'm Y/N, I work for Quadrant", you smiled, greeting him with a half hug as he introduced himself too, "my set is in a few minutes, you got here just in time. If you want to see it up close, Y/N, let me know and I'll make it happen", he winked at you.

The wink was not missed by Lando or Max. While Max wanted to laugh at his friend's jealous expression, threatening to send the norwegian DJ to a place that was less than nice and sunny, Lando couldn't believe his eyes. Yes, it was only fair that others, too, saw your beauty and noticed you, but to put themselves out like that, that was a different story. You didn't seem to bothered by all of it, sipping on your drink as you spoke to Max, pointing out different people you remember from Silverstone earlier that year.

"Kygo's starting, I want to dance!", you said, getting up and gesturing for the boys to join you. While you were used to having a lot less space to dance in, the welcomed freedom was appreciated as you playfully placed your pointer finger on Max's head, making him do a little spin, "now, no need to be jealous, Lando, you can twirl, too!", you yelled over the music blasting from the speakers, doing the same and sinking your finger on Lando's curls.

"I'm going to get another drink, want anything?", Max asked, excusing himself when you shook your head, "you know you can drink, I'm the designated driver", Lando offered, "I know, thank you for that. I just don't want to drink more", you smiled, recognising the next song, feeling brave and pulling Lando by his hand so he could dance with you.

I never knew anybody 'til I knew you

And I know when it rains, oh, it pours

And I know I was born to be yours

Lando twirled you would face him, chest flush against his as his colourful eyes looked into yours intensely, "I know this is very forward, and very unlike me to be fair, but I need to get it out", he gulped as he spoke loudly in your ear, looking for any sign of discomfort from you, "I really like you, like, a lot. And I would like to know if you feel the same. Because Max and my parents seem to think you do, but all I know they're just saying so that I shut up about how much I love you and how much it would mean to me", he spoke loudly against your ear as the song played.

You were struck by his confession, not expecting it to ever happen, much less like this and in these circumstances.

"If you consider this a hostile work environment, I didn't want that, but I had to be honest with you", he gulped, "just say you don't feel the same and I'll drop the subject, okay? I might have to pretend to go somewhere else so I can be away from you a bit until things are not awkward, but don't worry, I won't drink because I'm driving and-", Lando belted out before you interrupted him, moving your face closer to his neck this time and speaking into his ear, "It's not hostile if it's consensual, right?", you smiled, a glint in your eye as his own widened, chuckling as he sang the the words in your ear, taking the opportunity to kiss your cheek near your earlobe.

"Took you two fucking long enough!", Max yelled as he approached you, tapping Lando's back in congratulations, "you know what this means, Y/N? I won't have to listen to him mope about how he thinks he was made for you and you were made for him, and that the universe would have to be playing a very bad joke of you two didn't end up together!".

"What makes you think I'll stop that? I just got the girl of my dreams, now I'll have the confirmations of all I've said! You'll just hear how amazing all of it is!", Lando smiled, hugging you close to him and kissing the top of your head.

#lando norris imagine #lando norris x reader #lando norris fanfic #lando norris fluff #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic

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19871997 · 1 month ago

Note

do you have/know of any kind of natejo primer post? i am starting to be very very intrigued by them…

there is this very delightful primer that covers natejo during their halifax mooseheads era (juniors, age 16-18 [2011-13]) and their team north america era (made up team for the 2016 world cup of hockey) i would so so super recommend clicking on every link there, and as for the 2023-24 season:

nate reached out to jo about playing with him in colorado during the summer because he knew his contract with montreal was coming to an end and jo signed for league mininum to play with him

jo talking about nate in his 'get to know me' interview

jo knows where nate is knows what he likes can almost feel him on the ice. normal things to say about your center.

they walk their dogs together!

bench yappers. ignore that nate probably doesnt have a great deal of concepts about personal space.

both nate and jo achieved career highs in points playing on the same line. nate by 29 freaking points. jo also had a career high in time on ice per game !

nate has the most assists on jo's goals, and jo loves to pass to nate.

one of jo's very best games as an av where he scored the OT winner and partially helped nate extend his second to gretzky home point streak. not inherently natejo but the nhl put the full game up on youtube and its a fun background watch because the announcers r so very nice about jo yayayyyyy. okay hold on it definately used to be up on youtube as a 'fan favourite' voted in game and now its either unlisted, restricted, or entirely gone. fascinating. what a wonderful league. anway.

here's nate saying that jo is his favourite teammate ever. since 2010 nate has played with at least 280 people. he said this during his hart (league mvp as voted by the writers' association) and ted lindsay (league mvp as voted by the players' association) award interview. also couldnt find it for the life of me but im certain there's an interview where jo says he wants to play with nate for ten more years. EDIT: here is the article, found by the lovely @mi-kko-ran-tanen it is also a bit of a natejo primer very very good would encourage a read

24-25 season:

jo resigned for another year ! turned down money again for 'loyalty and happiness'

they actually might have seperation anxiety

jo is going to be point per game this season i believe it with my whole heart.

r-ing into the rpf:

nate's start in the league was . well. the avs were very very bad for quite sometime, bottomed out nearly historically after the 2016-17 season (season directly after team north america and the world cup of hockey) and i think this is around the time nate locked in so to speak. this spittin chiclets interview from 2019 is pretty good (dont let the spittin chiclets part put u off 🙏), he talks about worrying about being a bust, about his expectations and also just the way he talks back then and what he's achieved in the five years since oh nate u have no idea whats in store for u ☹️

jo's time in the nhl has been tumultuous to say the least.

mid way into the 2022-23 season he held the record for most points without a goal by a forward in a single season. (he ended the season 2-27-29, scoring a goal in his 46th game) teammate and close friend josh anderson was quite sweet about it all

there's a lot of talk about jo being a draft bust, there's also a lot of talk about his development being screwed from the get go (sent back down to juniors for the 2013-14 season despite having won the calder cup the uear prior because if a player is juniors eligable they cant play in the minors or smth like that), he was also injured a lot, the habs under bergevin not being great at player development, and in tampa and montreal there was an expectation on him to be an offensive powerhouse that he just wasnt unfortunately due to injuries and mental health issues. they also tried to develop him at center.

it is absolutely not the best metric to measure 'draft bustness', but sorting the 2013 draft by games played and total points, jo is top 20 for games played and top 15 for total points

an espn redraft from march of 2023 has him still in the first round but much lower

absolutely crushing thank u greg

jo was actually injured so much holy shit bro has never played a full season. the closest he got was 81 games in 18-19

apparently there was some buzz about a drouin-iginla trade in 2015 between tampa and colorado??? what couldve been damn

ALL THIS TO SAY nate believed in him and jo believed in nate and it paid off so freaking hard last season and jo has his love for hockey back and nate had his career best personal season next to him and they are it if u think about it

f-ing into the rpf:

i know you didnt ask but i would be remiss if i didnt share these, they're currently what i would say is quintessential natejo reading

I don't believe in soulmates (but nobody saw me like you) by shade_of_blue (@shade-of-drou) (M, 6k) soulmates au where jo realises dewey has soulbond sickness

those who favor fire by bruinss (@droumack) (M, 14k) absoloutely crushing magical realism fic where jo's heart freezes the more he falls in love. it is actually unfathomable how much nate loves him, and how much nate loves jo

got my finger on her trigger by creamsicle_melt (@creamsiclemelt) (E, 6k) lesbian natejo nate fucks jo within an inch of her life absolutely fantastic peice of literature.

you'd have to stop the world by bladeless_knife (@mi-kko-ran-tanen) (M, 12k) nate is stuck in a timeloop watching jo get hurt no matter what he does. genuinely incredible theyre so so very much natejo here and also very nate and very jo

Gather by plethoriall (@plethoriall) (E, 4k) once again, another fic where theyre so very natejo. like that interview linked in the very first bullet point? those guys ("yeah we're dumb and dumber") def did this. a delightful study in what if our codependant homoerotic teenage friendship turned into a regular healthy adult friendship except every time you touch me i remember how we used to jerk eachother off which (thankfully for everyone inolved) turned into Yay sex and also i love you. instead of turning toxic.

all very very very good writers i would highly highly suggest checking out their other works as well + commenting and kudoing

#asks #[redacted] tumblr user #natejo #nathan mackinnon #jonathan drouin #colorado avalanche #natejo primer #sorry for yapping theyre just . like theres so freaking much there #i am certain i am missing things. alas. please feel free to add !

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theprettynosferatu · 1 month ago

Text

Good evening. Please, get comfortable. Don't worry, there is nothing you need to do right now. Nothing at all but rub and just let me speak to you. Through you. Beyond whatever delusions of self you have created in order to pretend you are more than what you are.

Let us take a little look under the hood, so to speak. There are so many weak spots, shining inside that pretty little head of yours- like jewels, just ready to be mined, refined, repurposed. You might wonder, in that dreamy sort of way, where my signature pink lines are. You know that trick, don't you? Making your mind focus on specific words or images to slowly wear you down, to implant those seeds inside you so they may grow into beautiful, twisted vines of depravity.

Well, you're not getting them.

Not because I am above manipulating you in such a manner; we both know that is what you crave. Well, you're not getting them because you crave them. I want you as lucid as you can be for this. I want you longing for me to put my fingers right inside that brain of yours and shift a few things. Move some ideals around. Weaken some morals. Strengthen some fantasies.

Not tonight, I'm afraid. Tonight, I reap.

And what is here, in the wasteland of what once was a semi-functioning mind? Jewels. But one in particular stands out. It shines so, so brightly. Let us look at it together, shall we?

The thing about jewels is that they have so many sides to them. Take this one, for instance. Your desire to be remade into a mindless, pathetic, dreamy fuckdoll. It looks like such a powerful desire from this side... but turn it around and what do we see?

Do you notice how the "fuckdoll" part gets dimmer? How the trappings of fantasy disappear and leave behind only the longing to not be a person? To relinquish those awful responsibilities and the anxiety that comes with them? How much you want to be an object? That you want to be a sex object doesn't seem so important, does it? No, what matters is the sweet oblivion of, simply, not thinking.

And look here, just tilting it a bit. The "doll" comes back. You want to be beautiful. Desired, yes- but still just an object. A trophy to display, to cherish and take care of, to ignore when not in use. A gorgeous statue. Just a piece of art. Nothing more.

And yet, with just the slightest movement, a new side reveals itself. You want to be useful. Why, I wonder. Probably because you feel lost. Adrift. Unappreciated. But with direction from a superior, all you have to do is obey and feel the pride that comes with fulfilling a goal- minus the pressures of setting that goal yourself. Something tells me you have been made to feel you aren't enough quite a bit.

Now, let me put this back. We wouldn't want you to deprive you of your messed up kinks, would we?

So many sides, so many angles to each of your sick fantasies... and every one of them is a road into your brain. Perhaps you don't like posting pictures of yourself online. That would be exposing too much. But your mind? It might as well be naked, spread-eagled, ready to be conquered.

Thank you for the map into your deepest self.

I shall be roaming those paths shortly.

And you won't even know it.

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tiniestkitty · 6 months ago

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⋆｡‧˚ʚ how to start an age regression / inner child healing journal ɞ˚‧｡

🌷 content warning: very brief, un-descriptive mentions of having trauma 🌷

1. find a notebook you'd like to use ! this can look different for everyone. I picked a journal at the craft store with a pretty design on the front, but you could also use a simple composition book, a notepad or you could even keep a digital journal ! I personally prefer to have two diaries, one is for everyday boring "big-kid" stuff, and the other one is my agere journal ! ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶꒱ა if you'd like, you can combine them, but i personaly find keeping my trauma-processing stuff off to the side is helpful to me. 💛

2. brainstorm what things you'd like to accomplish with your therapy journal ( if any ! ) and what you'd like to write in it. you could set light hearted goals to reconnect with your childhood, process scary things that happened / everyday stressors , or to just keep it for fun ! remember that you don't need to know everything right away, though ! 🧸

for me, my goals are to understand trauma and learn how to grow from it, but I also like to draw pictures, write about the tinier parts of my day, do some affirmations , and follow simple prompts I find online. I will also use it as a tool to track triggers , trauma responses and anxieties to help myself better understand why I felt that way and know how to ground myself better during those scary moments . I also use it to write down thoughts or things I'd like to bring up with my therapist. ( my parents finally got me set up to see a therapist !! yay ! I am a minor so she is a pediatric therapist so she's extra gentle which is so nice hehe )

3. If you'd like, you can decorate the inside pages and the cover with all sorts of fun craft materials ! I like to use stickers and wash tape, but if you don't have those, you can print some pictures out and glue or tape them in ! If you don't have access to a printer, you could use one for free at a local library or at your school. you can also use markers, crayons, colored pencils, or whatever else you'd like to decorate the inside with fun drawings or to make some little worksheets for yourself to paste inside . maybe if you have someone to look after you or a little friend, you can ask them to come up with some for you to do ! 🩷 I like to make notes for my best little friend, wimsy, through dms hehe ! ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ ` ꒱ྀིა

4. you could make lists of things, too ! I like to list my favorite songs, all of my toys names, what I wanna do when it gets warmer outside, anything !

5. I find it helpful to make charts for stuff that can be challenging when having an icky day or feeling mentally unwell, like brushing my teeth or making sure that my pet chores are all taken care of. ( don't worry !! if I forget to give my kitty treats she will ask my mom hehe ! /lh ) I like to use a reward system, like if I brush my teeth two times every day for a whole week, I can have two breaks during homeschool. 🖍️

okie dokie ! that's all I have for now. hope I gave you some good ideas and tips ! this is all very new to me but I hope this was at least a little informative or helpful hehe . 💕🐰

#sfw agere #sfw age regression #sfw agedre #inner child healing #agere activities #age regression #agere journal #age regressor #journal prompts #kitty’s posts ᕱ⑅ᕱ

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genericpuff · 2 months ago

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Hi! So this is coming from a place of genuine concern, LR Persephone isn't going to have DID right? I know you probably can't reveal much but DID is already a very stigmatized disorder so I'm always worried when I see the Signs, I hope you understand lol

I understand fully your concerns, and I hope I can reassure you in my own intentions regarding Kore / Persephone that the goal is not to demonize or stigmatize DID in any way. I actually do regularly interact with a family member who's currently seeking an official diagnosis for it, and have my own firsthand experiences with my own mental health and symptoms of childhood trauma that are intersectional with that of DID. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm immune to stigmatizing, but rest assured that I am aware of the stigmas surrounding DID and the misconceptions that a lot of people have about it, no thanks to how it's been portrayed in mainstream media.

If I can add some additional and necessary context as to why I chose to write Kore like this, much of how I'm writing her is based on how she was initially presented to us in S1 of LO, particularly through the personification of her wrath:

I really liked this concept and was subsequently disappointed when it seemed to get left behind (though considering how LO turned out, maybe that was for the better lmao) I've always enjoyed these "inner conflict" character dynamics, but I also understand from years of writing characters like this that much of these types of tropes are often intersectional with common misconceptions and stigmas surrounding personality disorders and mental illness.

Within the context of Rekindled, Kore does not specifically have DID but her experiences are clearly intersectional with it. Ultimately my goal is to empathize, not demonize. As much as "Persephone" may be currently presenting herself as a sort of snarky "alter ego" of Kore, she is not evil, no more "evil" than Kore herself, because they're ultimately of the same mind and body, flaws and all. Persephone is often speaking truths that Kore is simply not willing to admit or able to face, the worst of which we've yet to uncover, but will be necessary to overcome. There will certainly be times when Kore's actions - spurred on by the voice of Persephone in her ear - may be ugly or wrong, but I hope in the end that I'll achieve my goal in expressing that everyone - even immortal gods - can always have another chance to heal, to forgive themselves for their past, and to do right by themselves for the sake of a brighter future. This will apply to other gods in the story as well, many of whom also share Kore's struggles and experiences.

And, assuming I do my part and deliver on my promises, there will be closure for Kore/Persephone, the readers who relate to their struggles and experiences, and many of the other characters who were hung out to dry in the original comic. That's definitely one of my biggest goals with this retelling, at least! (•̀ᴗ•́)و It's definitely one of my riskier moves as the nature of the subject is very sensitive, but I'm giving it my all in the hopes that it pays off in a more nuanced and in-depth character arc for Kore/Persephone than what we got in LO that can hopefully be embraced as a message of acceptance and self-love. And y'all can hold me to that (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

#ask me anything #ama #anon ama #anon ask me anything #lore rekindled ama

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gotham--fc · 4 months ago

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Will You Stay Here For A While Dear? - A Hilary Knight Imagine

I'm back with the next part of my Hilary series! what part are we at now i forgor You can find the rest of the parts linked on my masterlist, as always I can't tell you what to do but you really should read at least part 1 and 2 before you read this, but you do you

This ended up way longer than I anticipated, so it only goes up to the end of preseason, which means there will be at least 2 more fics of "main story" to be written and whatever else my brain comes up with

It's about 11.5k words, so read at your own pace lol, and I hope you like it as much as you liked part 1 and 2!

Title comes from the song “Billy Liar” by The Decemberists (and was also chosen by @grapefruit-personified)

It’s no surprise Hilary gets signed by Boston.

She’s been pretty open with where she wants to go. Yeah, she’s taken calls with all the teams, but Y/N knows she’s not entertaining any offers that aren’t from Boston. It’s no surprise they offer her a contract, and it’s no surprise that she signs it. Y/N’s happy for her, she really is. Hilary is excited and Y/N is excited for her. Hilary’s been fighting her entire career for this moment and after years of being given less, she finally gets what she deserves. In Boston, no less. Y/N’s thrilled for Hilary.

Y/N gets calls too. She gets plenty of calls. She talks to all the teams, talks through expectations and goals and all that jazz. She doesn’t get any offers.

And it’s fine. Teams can only sign three free agents so it’s limited and that’s fine. She’s still recovering from her concussion, so it’s not surprising. It’s fine. Y/N knows she’ll get drafted, that’s not even a question. It’s just where she gets drafted.

It’s a rough few weeks with no security. At least Hilary knows where she’s going and she’s already figuring out her move to Boston, but Y/N can't do that. She doesn’t even know if she’s moving or if she’ll get drafted by Minnesota. She half hopes not, given it’s a 22 hour drive from Boston to Minnesota, but that’s not something she can dwell on. She feels sort of like she’s floating through space while she watches Hilary pack. She has no purpose or sense of direction, can only watch Hilary pack up half of the life they’ve built here together.

“Babe?” Hilary’s voice snaps Y/N out of her thoughts.

“What? Yeah? What?”

“You okay?” Hilary asks, “You were pretty spaced out.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Y/N shakes her head, then starts again. “It’s just… I’m just thinking about the draft.”

It’s something she’s been working on, they’ve both been working on, sharing what they’re feeling instead of burying it down. Y/N’s first instinct is still to say everything’s fine, and she’s fighting against it, but it’s hard. She’s trying. They’re both trying. They’re doing better.

“What about it?” Hilary asks.

“You’re going to Boston.”

“I am,” Hilary waits expectantly for Y/N to continue.

“And I don’t know where I’m going. And it’s hard to pack or prepare when I don’t know what I’m preparing for. And… I don’t know if I’m going to get drafted by Minnesota and stay here while you go miles away to Boston.”

“We’ll figure that out, no matter what happens, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Hilary takes Y/N’s hands, “Wherever we both end up, whether it’s Minnesota or Boston or New York, we’ll figure it out. We’ve been through worse, we can handle a little distance if it comes to that.”

“Yeah,” Y/N mumbles, “It could be a lot of distance.”

“I’ll never be that far from you,” Hilary says, “Even if we’re far apart, I’ll always be here. I’m a phone call away.” Hilary tilts Y/N’s chin up so they’re looking at each other. “I know I hurt you when I went radio silent on you and I know it’s probably still in the back of your mind, but I guarantee you that I will never do that to you again. You don’t have to worry about me not being on the other side of the phone, waiting for you.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

***

Draft day comes too soon and not soon enough. Y/N obsessed about it way too much but now that it’s here, she wishes she still had more time. Hilary isn’t here, she’s already in Boston setting up her new place. She said she’ll travel back and forth between Boston and Minnesota until training camp starts and she’s required in Boston full time, but that means Y/N’s alone right now and she thinks she might throw up.

She’s not technically alone. It’s the draft, so every player is here, including some of the already signed players. There’s players and agents and families and people from the league mulling around, Y/N’s own agent is a few feet away, chatting up a league exec about something. Even still, Y/N’s never felt so alone.

Then the draft begins. Y/N sits on the edge of her seat. She’s talked to the teams already so she has some idea of who wants her, but with every name called that’s not her, a pit in her stomach grows. She watches Boston go, and not pick her, New York, Montreal, and still her name isn’t called. She dreads Minnesota drafting her, but then they go and they don’t call her and she almost wishes they had. Finally, her name gets called. She gets up on shaky legs and walks to the stage. She shakes hands and hopes her hands aren’t sweaty, smiles for pictures and gets a mic shoved in her face as soon as she steps off stage.

“Did you know Toronto would draft you?”

“Um,” Y/N says, “I had an idea. I spoke to all the teams so I had an idea of who would pick me, so yeah, I guess I had an idea.” She didn’t.

“Are you excited to represent Toronto this season? What does it mean to you to play professional hockey in Canada?”

“Oh, it’s,” Y/N tries to think of what to say, “It’s indescribable. We’ve worked for so long and so hard to get a real professional league and I’m so excited to get started and Toronto is a great city, a great sports city with a lot of heart and a lot of history and a lot of hockey fans and I’m excited to be close to home.”

“Congratulations, good luck this season.”

Her agent takes her arm and drags her out of the spotlight and to a quieter corner. He begins talking contracts and all sorts of administrative work and Y/N just nods, everything going in one ear and out the other. Then, she has players, friends, teammates now, hugging her and talking about playing together and Y/N thinks she agrees to be at least five people’s roommate as she struggles to keep up with everyone talking and the lights and the noise. Y/N barely notices someone is leading her away until she’s in an empty hallway.

“You looked a thousand miles away out there,” Sarah Nurse says.

“I feel like I am,” Y/N says.

“You didn’t want to go to Toronto?” She asks.

“No, I…” Y/N rubs her eyes. She feels like she can’t see very well. “It’s not that. I’m not not happy with Toronto. I… I wish Hilary wasn’t so far away, but I’m not… I can’t fucking see.”

“You can’t see?!” Sarah freezes, “What do you mean you can’t see?”

“I’m… I just mean… I’m being dramatic,” Y/N says, “I just… everything’s blurry. It doesn’t look right. My head hurts. My ears are ringing.”

“Is it your concussion?” Sarah asks. Y/N shrugs. “You don’t have to go back out there. You can leave if you’re feeling bad.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “I’ve been so out of it lately. Hilary’s gone half the time and I was dreading getting drafted by Minnesota and she keeps telling me Boston’s not out of it, like they’ll draft me just because she wants me there. I have hopes on New York but I don’t know.”

“Toronto’s not the end of the world,” Sarah says, “And you and Hilary will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Y/N says, “Toronto. Yeah. Nursey I can’t go back out there. I feel like I want to lay in a dark room and try not to cry.”

“I’ll cover for you,” Sarah says, “Don’t worry about it.”

Sarah heads back out to rejoin the commotion and Y/N rubs her temples and pulls out her phone to call an Uber back to her hotel. When her phone turns back on, (she turned it off this morning when she awoke to what felt like a million messages from family and friends about the draft and what team she might end up on), she has a text from Hilary. Right. Because Hilary’s in Boston. Not here.

Saw the draft

Congrats babe call me when you get a chance?

Y/N calls her Uber first, then dials Hilary’s number.

“Hey babe,” Hilary says, “How was it? I thought I wouldn’t hear from you until later. I figured you would be celly-ing with your new teammates.”

Y/N doesn’t know why, can’t explain it, but she starts to cry.

“Shit, babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Y/N cries, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel awful.”

“I’m sorry, what can I do? Are you at your hotel?”

“No, waiting for an Uber.”

“What hotel are you at?” Hilary asks.

“What does it matter?” Y/N says, “You’re not here.”

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Hilary says, “I wish I was with you right now. I was going to order you food to your hotel, but I understand if you don’t feel like eating anything right now.”

“You could’ve been here.”

“Baby…”

“You wouldn’t be the only one! There’s more than just those who registered for the draft. You could’ve come, even just for the night,” Y/N says.

“You know why I didn’t come,” Hilary says, “We agreed I should stay in Boston. I’m still setting up my place and I’ve got interviews and press stuff and,” Hilary sighs, “You said you felt uncomfortable with people knowing about us and that me being at the draft would be more of a confirmation that you’re ready for. You don’t get to be upset with me about a decision we both made together.”

“I want you here,” Y/N says, still crying, “We’re gonna be apart for a whole season and I just wanna be with you while I still can.”

“I know it’s hard and you just found out we’re going to be separated, and I’m sorry you’re so upset. We’re going to be okay. The season will fly by and we’ll see each other in February for the Rivalry Series and then Worlds in April. And we’ll see each other when we play against each other and we’ll find times during the season to see each other. I know this is new to you but I’ve done distance before and we can deal with it.”

Y/N wants to say I knew we wouldn’t end up on the same team from the start and how will we see each other? With what money? What time? And I just started skating again who says I’ll make the Worlds roster and who says I’ll even be at the Rivalry Series and of course you have experience and I don’t I don’t need you rubbing it in.

She says none of this.

“Yeah,” She says, her voice weak and quiet.

“I’m sorry it’s so hard. I wish I could make it easier.”

“My Uber’s here,” Y/N says as her phone vibrates with the notification.

“Alright,” Hilary says, “Do you want to keep talking on your way back?”

“No,” Y/N says, “I’m tired. My head hurts. I wanna go lie down and go to sleep.”

“Okay my love, call me in the morning.”

***

It’s hard, being in Boston.

That’s not true. Hilary loves Boston and she loves being in Boston and she loves playing hockey and she loves playing hockey in Boston. It’s not hard being in Boston. It’s exciting, rewarding, everything she’s dreamed of and more.

It’s hard being in Boston when Y/N’s in Toronto and the draft is happening and Y/N got drafted to Toronto and Hilary can’t be there to celebrate with her and now Y/N is upset and Hilary isn’t there to comfort her. Hilary understands why she’s in Boston and she understands why Y/N wants her in Boston, but she also understands why Y/N wants her in Toronto too.

It’s a complicated situation. Y/N isn’t ready to be out yet. That’s fine. Hilary gets that. After all, Hilary has been there. She’s been young and new to the public and just wanting to focus on hockey and not turn every interview into “so you came out”. Hilary has to remember she’s had years in the spotlight to get used to all of this, the public, and the fans, and the questions. Hilary came out, Hilary’s out, and yeah, it’s all anyone could talk about for months after, but now it’s over. Now it’s normal. Hilary’s out, and she’s still a pro hockey player and she’s still American and she’s still prepping for Worlds and the new league and there’s more to talk about than her sexuality.

It's fine. Hilary gets it and she’s not going to pressure Y/N into something she isn’t ready for. It’s frustrating sometimes, sure, like now when Hilary has to stay in Boston because Y/N’s scared if she’s at the draft that people will figure out Hilary’s there for her, and now they’re both unhappy. Hilary will never say it, but she thinks Y/N is too focused on other people, and too paranoid about people finding out about them. People talk, and people will talk, and people are already talking, and that won’t change whether Hilary’s in Boston or Toronto, or if she posts that she’s in the same place as Y/N, or that they’re hanging out.

But Y/N freaked out last time Hilary said anything. When Hilary came out, when she announced she wasn’t single, it was too much for Y/N, so Hilary can’t push it. She’s screwed up enough times already that she won’t risk losing Y/N for good. And yes, Hilary’s made a lot of progress towards forgiving herself and she knows she can’t dwell on the past, and she doesn’t, but she came close to losing Y/N and she will not let that happen again.

***

“Why the long face?” Kess says when Hilary’s face pops up on FaceTime.

“This is my normal face,” Hilary deadpans.

“Yikes.”

“Aren’t you busy being a bigwig for the Penguins?” Hilary says, “Why are you calling me?”

“I’m still your friend Knight,” Kess says, “Even when you’re a bitch. And for your information, I’m the biggest bigwig you know, so don’t piss me off.”

“Sorry Kess,” Hilary says, “I’ve been in a shit mood lately.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“I will hang up.”

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Kess says, “I heard you and your girlfriend are on different teams.”

“It’s not like we can’t do distance,” Hilary starts, “We can. It’s just… She wouldn’t let me go to the draft. She said it would too obvious I was there for her and she isn’t ready to be out yet. And she called me crying after she got drafted and it’s not like I can do anything from here. And she’s not flying back to Minnesota until tomorrow and my flight isn’t for three days.”

“Change your flight,” Kess says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“I can’t,” Hilary sighs, “She doesn’t want it to be too obvious that I’m going back and forth to see her. So I can’t fly back the same day as her because then people might figure it out.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Kess!” Hilary shakes her head, “It’s not stupid. It makes her more comfortable, it just sucks knowing she’s upset and I can’t be there.”

“Hil, why does it feel like you came out just to jump back in the closet again?”

“I didn’t!” Hilary insists, “I’m still out, it’s not like I stopped being gay. Y/N’s not out and I respect that. I was in the closet for years, Kess, I was semi-famous and in the closet for years. And things are different now. Before I came out no one cared about us. The only people who gave a shit about women’s hockey were us and a handful of people during the Olympics. I didn’t have thousands of people on the internet talking about me. I was still terrified to come out and no one even knew who I was. Can you try to see what it’s like for her? She’s young, new in her career, dating an older woman, in a sport that’s growing exponentially by the minute.”

“I do see it, and I empathize, I really do,” Kess says, “And I’m not saying anything she’s saying isn’t valid, just that you have feelings too. And clearly you feel some type of way about all this secrecy and you are allowed to have feelings about it. She’s not the only one in this relationship.”

“I fucked up Kess,” Hilary flops down on her couch. Her new house in Boston is pretty sparse. She has half unpacked boxes everywhere, a TV that sits directly on the floor, a recently purchased couch and an Ikea bedframe that’s still not built so she’s been sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor. The couch was a godsend, arriving that morning, so at least she can sit somewhere, since her kitchen table and chairs have been delayed twice.

“I hurt her so bad,” Hilary says, “And I almost lost her for good. I love her so much Kess. I’ve never felt like this with anyone and I am so terrified that I’m gonna screw up and lose her again. I don’t think I’d ever get over her, I think I’ll love her for the rest of my life and then some.”

“Wow,” Kess chuckles, “I never thought I’d see the day. Playboy Hilary is gone, her fuckboy days are over.”

“They’ve been over,” Hilary says, “I’m not 21 anymore, I can’t spend every night getting shitfaced at a club and taking home strangers and still wake up at 6am for practice.”

“I’ve never seen you like this, with anyone. I thought she wasn’t right for you because you suddenly started acting different after you met her, but I see now that it was everyone else who wasn’t right. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, and I’m sorry I fucked up too and gave her a concussion. That…” Kess blows air out her clenched teeth, “…was not my finest moment. But, moving past that, I’m really happy for you. However, if you keep pushing your feelings down it’s not going to end well. Look what happened last time.”

“Yeah,” Hilary rubs her face, “Yeah. You’re right Kess.”

“I always am Knighter. Now get off your ass and finish unpacking your sad, empty house before I have to sic Keller and Brandt on you.”

***

“Are you okay stud?” Y/N tugs at the hood of Hilary’s hoodie as she looks out into the backyard at the dogs chasing each other. Hilary jumps a little and despite the surprise, her cheeks are slightly pink like they always are when Y/N calls her that.

The name started as a joke, after they watched Grease together for the first time. The next day, as Hilary tried to get “chang-chang, changity-chang-shoo-bop” out of her head, Y/N told her to “tell me about it, stud,” and Hilary turned the brightest red she ever has and didn’t respond for a full minute. The name stuck, and Y/N brings it out when Hilary’s least expecting it to watch her turn red and flustered.

“You’re quiet this morning,” Y/N continues.

“Sorry,” Hilary says, “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Us,” Hilary grabs Y/N by the hips and pulls her in. Y/N puts her palms on the sides of Hilary’s neck. “I was thinking about us, our life, how much I love you.”

“Yeah? Tell me more.”

“I was thinking…” Hilary backs Y/N away from the door, “… that I love you more than anything and I would never do anything to hurt you, or upset you, or ruin what we have, you know that right?” Y/N pulls away a little.

“I feel like I should be worried.”

“No, you have nothing to be worried about,” Hilary says, “I’m not trying to worry you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy and I want both of us to be happy and as in love as we can be.” Y/N gives Hilary a look that says and? “I just wanted to talk to you and I don’t want to fight and I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you or invalidating your feelings, I just want to share how I’m feeling, no strings attached.”

“Wow therapy really did a number on you,” Y/N says, “Where did my emotionally stunted girlfriend go?”

“What I’m trying to say is that I understand you not wanting to be out and not wanting people to know about us and I would never ask you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I have been feeling like… I hate that I wasn’t there with you at the draft. And I hate that I’m not going to be with you this season and I hate…” Hilary sighs, “I want to be with you. I want to see you as often as I can, and I’m worried that you will get scared or anxious about people finding out about us that I won’t be able to see you. I understand the fear and the concern and I’m not suggesting you come out or that we start flaunting our relationship, but I want to be able to come visit you in Toronto without having to hide where I am or who I'm with. Do you... Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“Is that… Are you…” Y/N huffs out a breath then fully pulls away from Hilary. Hilary watches helplessly. “Are you saying you want me to come out?”

“No!”

“You want me to… what? I either come out or I don’t, I don’t know what you’re asking me.”

“I’m not asking you for anything,” Hilary reaches out, but Y/N backs away, “Please, my love–”

“Don’t Hilary,” Y/N says, “Don’t.”

Hilary’s arms stay outstretched, in limbo. Y/N opens her mouth, then shuts it, then leaves, the front door slamming breaking the silence.

Things were so good. Hilary was happy. Every moment with Y/N made her giddy and her cheeks hurt from smiling but she couldn’t help it because every moment with Y/N was the happiest moment of her life. They spent the week following the draft going on dates, and spending every day together, staying in, going out, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were together. Even with the looming separation, they couldn’t be happier. And Hilary had to ruin it. Like always.

“Fuck!” Hilary swears.

The dogs start barking and Hilary lets them in. Hilary feels drained. She feels… like it’s over.

***

Y/N comes back hours later. Dinner is cold and wrapped in foil in the oven, Hilary’s poor attempt at keeping it warm, but the food has been sitting in there for at least an hour. Hilary didn’t eat, couldn’t eat, while she waited. The idea of food made her sick to her stomach, but she didn’t want Y/N to be hungry when she came home.

Hilary hears the door from where’s she’s distractedly moving clothes from the washer to the dryer. Laundry needs to be done and Hilary would’ve paced a hole in the floor if she didn’t do something, so she’s in the laundry room, wet clothes in her hands. She doesn’t say anything, not sure if Y/N wants to see her or talk to her or ignore her. She doesn’t move, barely breathes, and waits.

Y/N finds her soon enough. She charges into the room and Hilary isn’t sure what to expect. She expects Y/N to start yelling, with the determined look on her face. She certainly doesn’t expect Y/N to slap the laundry out of her hands and hug her tightly. Hilary hesitates for a moment, completely caught off guard, then hugs back, even more confused than before.

“I’m sorry,” Y/N mumbles against Hilary’s shoulder. “I should’ve heard you out. I should’ve stayed. I didn’t get what you were trying to say and I got frustrated because I hate not understanding things and ever since my concussion I can’t process things right and I’m so mad I’m still dealing with my stupid head, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t call your head stupid,” Hilary says and feels stupid for focusing on that. “I like your head the way it is,” she finishes lamely.

“I’m frustrated,” Y/N says, “All the time and I get what you’re trying to say. I get what you mean.”

“Yeah? You sort of understand now? I wasn’t trying to upset you, I just… I didn’t want to hide it from you.”

“I know,” Y/N says, “Amanda Kessel explained it to me.”

“What?”

Hilary pulls back abruptly. She feels like she’s getting whiplash from this conversation, from this whole day. In what universe does Y/N talk to Amanda Kessel? Hilary didn’t even think Kess had her number, and Y/N definitely doesn’t have Kess’s. Until now, Hilary supposes.

“I was really mad at you and I felt like you were backing off or, like not being clear on purpose so that I wouldn’t get mad? Like it felt like you wanted something from me but you refused to say it outright. And…” Y/N looks away. “And she’s your best friend and I figured if anyone knew what you were trying to say she would. And she did. She told me what you guys talked about. And then we talked about concussion stuff and it was kinda nice.”

“You… It was kinda nice?” Hilary says, bewildered, “Nice? Wh – I’m so confused. You talked to Amanda Kessel about me and it was nice? I thought you hated her.”

“I contain multitudes,” Y/N says.

“I’ll say.”

“Come on, let’s not have this conversation surrounded by your stinky laundry,” Y/N starts leading Hilary out of the laundry room.

“It’s clean!”

Hilary follows Y/N to the living room and sits on the couch. Hilary has no idea where this conversation will go, so she stays quiet.

“I’ve been unfair to you,” Y/N begins, and Hilary wants to argue immediately. “I’ve been making it all about me. After my concussion and… everything, things became about me. You took care of me and I got used to that. I haven’t been focusing on you at all. It’s going to be hard to be away from you and I hate it and I wish we were closer and I can’t change it and I got all in my head about coming out and people figuring out why we go see each other all the time. I never thought about how you feel about everything.

“I’m not ashamed of you, or trying to hide you or us. I never want you to have to hide part of yourself for me. I wanted you at the draft. I wanted… I wanted to come to Boston while you were getting your new place. I just want to be with you, all the time. I get scared and I let my fear control me. I don’t want to not see you because I’m scared people might find out. I don’t want to go a whole season without seeing you. I also don’t want every time we see each other to be spent stuck in one of our places, not going out or posting something. That’s what you were trying to tell me, wasn’t it? That you’re fine not being out with us, but that you don’t want the fear to dictate how we act.”

“Yeah,” Hilary says, “If I was better at speaking, yeah. That’s what I was trying to say.”

“You’ve been doing interviews for how long now?” Y/N teases, “And you’re not good at speaking yet?”

“Shut it or I will dump my dirty, stinky laundry on your face.”

“You said it was clean!”

***

They know the season is coming, but before it does, the Rivalry Series comes first. They have two games early November, then a few days to themselves before training camp starts. They tease each other good naturedly about it as they pack. They both know the Rivalry Series is important prep for Worlds, but they also know it doesn’t really mean anything. The results don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s fun to pretend like they do. And they both know that even if it doesn’t matter, they’re still going to give it their all and get pissed if they lose.

They fly out to Arizona together before separating to their respective teams. Y/N gets to the hotel Canada is staying at and gets her room key. She doesn’t know who she’s rooming with this camp. Jill isn’t here, and Y/N is upset about that. She feels like she hasn’t seen Jill in forever and she doesn’t know when she’ll see her again. She knows Jill’s been dealing with injury, but she hoped she would still be okay to play.

Her roommate is Jenner, which she finds out when she opens the door and Jenner is on the one bed Facetiming her kids. Jenner waves as Y/N puts her bags on the empty bed. She says a quick hello to Jenner’s kids, even though they don’t remember who she is. She doesn’t stay long, to give Jenner some privacy and to find her teammates she hasn’t seen in a minute.

It doesn’t take long to find Emma Maltais and Jamie Bourbonnais. They’re filming some Tiktok together and they’re loud enough about it that Y/N hears them from all the way down the hallway. When they see her Emma gasps and runs over. Emma hugs her while talking what seems like a mile a minute.

“Oh my god, thank god you’re finally here, Clarky’s being such a buzzkill and she won’t film with us but that’s okay because you will, right?”

It doesn’t really matter if Y/N wants to or not, she never really can say no to Emma Maltais. It’s something about her constant excitement, her puppy dog eyes, but Y/N can’t risk upsetting her. So she agrees and she lets Emma and Jamie direct her on what to do. It’s fun and it’s what Y/N misses when she’s in Minnesota and doesn’t have her national team teammates around. They record a couple and eventually they convince Clarky to join in and they record a couple more.

They goof around for hours and Y/N feels relaxed and happy about how this camp will go.

The US isn’t staying at the same hotel, but they’re not far, so Y/N gets to see Hilary when they both have free time. Hilary delivers her coffee when Y/N has early morning practices, and Y/N ends up crashing a few USA team bonding nights by sneaking into the hotel with Hilary. It’s easy to forget about hockey when they’re not on the ice and Y/N enjoys spending time with her team and Hilary and Hilary’s team, until she fails at sneaking back into her room the night before the first game and Jenner fixes her with a look that makes Y/N feel like a child.

They lose the first game. It’s a frustrating, 3-1 loss where every blocked shot, every puck that got stolen, feels like the hockey gods have it out for them. Hilary scores the first goal, then assists USA’s second. Y/N can tell Hilary’s feeling good as they head off the ice, Hilary’s loud voice echoing through the halls. Y/N feels like shit. She couldn’t do anything to help her team, and she wanted to come back firing from her concussion, show that she’s even better than before. Instead, she fumbled two passes, had all of her shots blocked by a defender so they didn’t even make it to the net.

They lose the next game too. The US goes up early, and Canada spend the rest of the game trying to catch them. Every time Y/N starts to feel like they’re back in it, the US scores, or someone takes a penalty and by the time the game ends, Y/N’s ready to wipe this whole camp from her mind.

If 3-1 is frustrating, 5-2 is humiliating. Hilary didn’t score, but she got two assists. Hilary comes away from camp with four points and two wins. Y/N leaves with zero points and zero wins and the belief that her time with the national team has come to an end.

She still has to see Troy Ryan though. He’s her coach now, all the time, and Y/N likes him, they all do, but she just had a horrible camp in front of him and now she has to fight for a spot on a roster and hope he hasn’t already decided her fate.

***

Training camp almost sneaks up on them.

It can’t, not really, because it’s marked in the calendar and they are all too aware of how few days they have left together. Hilary’s place in Boston is already fully set up, her having more time to prepare, and Y/N’s place is getting there, and she has the help of Sarah Nurse, her roommate. Even though they can both afford to live alone, Sarah argued there’s nothing worse than returning home to an empty house every day and Y/N can’t argue with that. So at least Y/N doesn’t have to be in Toronto all the time since Sarah’s there and can pick up packages she ordered, or set up the living room furniture with the help of their teammates who are already in the city.

The date looms over them, even as they try to ignore it and just enjoy their time together. Y/N finds herself doing things she normally hates, or wouldn’t do, just to do them with Hilary. They work out together, that’s normal, but Y/N wakes herself up at the ass crack of dawn to go running because Hilary is. She watches shitty TV shows that Hilary is obsessed with that she could not care less about, just to sit with Hilary on the couch for hours. They only have two full days together before they’re required to join their teams for training camp. Y/N does everything she can to spend as much time with Hilary as possible.

Y/N wakes up the morning of her flight and wants to bury her head under the blankets. She feels Hilary shift and shut the alarm off. Y/N groans when Hilary’s arms come back around her.

“Good morning sunshine,” Hilary says. Y/N responds with another groan.

“We should just stay,” Y/N says, “We should retire and live here forever.”

Hilary chuckles.

“You don’t mean that,” Hilary kisses Y/N on her head.

“I don’t wanna go,” Y/N says quietly, “I’ll miss you too much.”

“We’ll see each other in a couple of weeks for the Rivalry Series and we’ll have some time off at Christmas, and then once the season starts we’ll play each other every couple of weeks and we can see each other on off days,” Hilary says, “I’ll miss you too, but the season will fly by and then we’ll be together again."

"Yeah, you’re right,” Y/N turns in Hilary’s arms until they’re facing each other.

“We gotta get up if we’re going to get to the airport on time.”

The morning is quiet. They eat breakfast in silence, Y/N going over her mental checklist in her head, making sure she’s packed everything. Hilary’s on her phone, no doubt going over the traffic report. Hilary's flight is later in the day, and Y/N told her not to get up early and to wait until closer to her flight to head to the airport, but Hilary insisted on going with Y/N, even if that meant waiting at the airport for hours.

“We should be okay for traffic,” Hilary says, breaking the silence, “You all packed?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah.”

After they finish eating, Y/N washes their dishes while Hilary brings their bags to the door and calls for an Uber.

As they drive, Y/N stares out the window at her former home, not knowing when she would be back. (That’s a lie. She knows when she’ll be back, she knows the schedule, she knows when she’ll be back in Minnesota). She looks at Hilary. She doesn’t know when she’ll see Hilary again. (Another lie. She knows they’re all going to Utica for preseason. She knows Hilary will be there).

At the airport, Y/N tugs her hood up and ducks her head. It’s hard to remain inconspicuous with Hilary fucking Knight beside you, and Y/N feels the tips of her ears burning with each step they take. Hilary, to her credit, is trying not to draw attention to herself. She has a hat pulled down low and sunglasses on, but she’s still Hilary Knight and a hat and glasses won’t change that.

They get through security fairly easily, both of them experienced travelers that they’re prepared ahead of time with all their documents ready. Y/N knows she’ll have to go through customs once she gets to Canada, and she hates that she has to do that and Hilary doesn’t, because Hilary’s staying in the same country. Y/N’s not upset at playing in Canada. She’s Canadian, she loves being in Canada and playing in Canada, it’s not that. It’s the fact that Hilary isn’t that gets her. She spent so much time worrying about Minnesota and the 22 hour drive that she forgot to consider the Canadian teams and the 10+ hour drives and the border. Even if they flew to each other they have to cross a border and go through customs.

Hilary goes with Y/N to wait by her gate. They find a table to sit at and set down their carry-ons. Y/N wants to put her head down on the table and fall asleep. Hilary seems wide awake, no doubt the coffee she drank before they left. Ever since Y/N had to quit coffee because of her concussion, she never went back. She sleeps better, she’s less anxious, she gets less headaches, and sure while she would like a quick caffeine boost on mornings like this, she’s okay.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Hilary asks, “I can go find something while you stay here with our stuff.”

“Some tea?” Y/N asks, “Can you fill up my water bottle too?”

“Of course, good idea.”

Y/N watches Hilary walk away from her and has to close her eyes. Even though Hilary is coming right back, it still feels like she’s leaving, moving further and further away with every step she takes. Y/N’s glad her flight is first. She won’t have to watch Hilary walk away.

Y/N doesn’t want to use up all her phone battery before she even gets on the plane, so she tries to find something to entertain herself while she waits for Hilary. She brought a book, but she doesn’t feel like reading. She ends up staring out the window at the tarmac and watching the planes take off.

“Having fun?”

Y/N jumps when Hilary sits beside her, placing her tea and water bottle in front of her. Y/N thanks her and blows on the tea to cool it down a bit.

“I know it’s probably not as good as, uh, Tom’s right?” Hilary says. Y/N rolls her eyes.

“It’s Tim’s and you know it,” Y/N says, “And Timmies isn’t known for their teas. They have them but they’re just regular tea bags in water. But they really went off with the double double. I might have to go back to coffee.”

“Nah, I bet you’re going to spend all your money on their little donuts.”

“Hilary you cannot be this dense,” Y/N says, “You lived in Canada before. You know they’re called Timbits. I can tell you’re just trying to rile me up.”

“And it’s working right?”

Y/N turns her head away so Hilary won’t see her smile. Hilary laughs, leaning into Y/N’s space and trying to get Y/N to stop avoiding her eyes. Y/N thinks of ‘accidentally’ spilling her tea on Hilary’s lap, but decides that’s probably a really bad idea. She settles for sticking her tongue out at Hilary instead.

Hilary brought cards, because of course she did, and she deals them a hand of Go Fish. After a few rounds, they switch to War, and then Slap, until others around them started giving them dirty looks, then they switched back to War. They’re halfway through a game of Crazy 8s when the PA announces Y/N’s flight.

“I don’t want to go,” Y/N says and she feels like a broken record with how often she says it.

“It won’t be for long baby,” Hilary stands up after Y/N and pulls her in for a hug. Y/N leans into it and tries to memorize Hilary’s scent and her voice and everything about her.

“Promise you’ll always pick up the phone?” Y/N asks in a small voice.

“I promise, cross my heart, scouts honour.”

Y/N reluctantly pulls away and grabs her bag. She hesitates, staring at Hilary, until the PA announces her boarding call again and she turns to the line that’s started moving. She hugs Hilary again and turns away quickly before Hilary can see the tears forming in her eyes.

The only problem with not having to watch Hilary walk away, is having to walk away herself, leaving Hilary standing by herself in the middle of the airport, feeling Hilary’s eyes burning into the back of her skull until she turns the corner and knows she’s out of sight.

***

Hilary supposes Y/N has a point.

Ever since Y/N’s concussion, and maybe for their whole relationship, things have been about Y/N. Not that Hilary’s been ignored, or neglected, but Hilary has spent most of her time trying to make sure Y/N’s happy, that Y/N’s okay and comfortable and comforted. It isn’t until she’s in Boston, alone, that she realizes she’s not okay.

It’s not that she didn’t realize what playing on two different teams means, of course she knows what that means, it’s just that… she didn’t quite process it. She focused on making sure Y/N was okay, that Y/N would be okay with the distance, that she didn’t focus on making sure she was okay.

Y/N never wanted to talk about Boston. She never wanted to hear Hilary tell her Boston was still an option, that just because they didn’t sign her didn’t mean they wouldn’t draft her. So Hilary didn’t talk about it, but it was always in the back of her mind. It was best case scenario for Hilary. She plays professional hockey in a city she loves, and her girlfriend stays by her side. Of course that wasn’t guaranteed, so Hilary accepted that New York would be okay. New York isn’t that far.

Of course, Hilary couldn’t rule out the Canadian teams. Montreal would be fine, a little farther, and sure there’s the rivalry, but Hilary doesn’t care about that. Hilary went through every scenario in her head, but she never really let herself think of anything but Boston. Hilary didn’t want to stress about something that hadn’t happened yet, so she didn’t. But that just meant she wasn’t prepared to hear Toronto announce Y/N’s name.

She wasn’t prepared for how helpless she felt, listening to Y/N crying over the phone and not being there. She wasn’t prepared for them both packing up their house, and having to split their belongings. Hilary wasn’t prepared to remember or decide who owned what, and who needed what where. She wasn’t prepared to go to the airport and then get on different flights.

The first day of training camp is tomorrow, so tonight Hilary is home and trying to prep. She’s packing her hockey bag, making sure she has everything, that nothing got misplaced in the move, and she notices her favourite towel is missing. Then she remembers it’s Y/N’s towel that she kept taking. And suddenly Hilary wants to cry.

She doesn’t. She doesn’t because she’s a big girl and they haven’t been separated for that long and Hilary can handle her girlfriend being in another country for a few weeks. It’s nothing she hasn’t done before.

She doesn’t call Y/N. Her finger hovers over Y/N’s contact before she redirects. Keller pick up on the second ring.

“What’s up Knighter?”

“Are you busy right now?” Hilary asks.

“I was about to go restock my fridge since I don’t think a singular open can of tuna will cut it for dinner, why?”

“Can I come with?” Hilary asks, “I mean, I don’t want to ruin your plans. I just… I’m bored. Wanted to see if you felt like hanging out.”

“Sure Knight,” Keller says, “Come over.”

***

“So,” Keller says as Hilary pushes the cart behind her, “You were bored enough to come get groceries with me?”

“Sue me for wanting to hang Keller,” Hilary says, “I could’ve called anyone.”

“And you still called me,” Keller turns around to wink at Hilary and stick her tongue out. Keller puts something in the cart. “How are things with the wife?” Keller asks. Hilary almost chokes on her own spit. “Heard she’s in Toronto. How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” Hilary says, “I’ve done distance before.”

“Not what I asked, but okay.”

“I’m fine!” Hilary insists, “It’s not like she died. She’s in another city. I can talk to her whenever.”

“Another country.”

“It’s not even a different time zone.”

“Do you really expect me to believe you were that bored? That nothing else is going on?” Keller says, “Do I need to call Kess and get her to beat it out of you?” Hilary sighs.

“I just miss her. Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing,” Keller says, “Why don’t you call her?”

“We talked last night,” Hilary says, “And I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re only allowed to call when you’re in bed?” Keller asks, “Is it a sex thing? Do you only call to have phone sex?”

“You are the worst friend I have,” Hilary says, “It’s not… I can’t tell her. I’m supposed to be handling this better. I told her we would be fine. I can’t call her now and tell her I’m not fine. I’ll be fine. I just don’t have anything to do and I just think about her when I’m alone and bored. I’ll be fine when training camp ramps up and I have something to do.”

Keller stares at Hilary for a moment, not saying anything, then:

“You’re a real idiot, Knighter, you know that?”

***

Hilary is always thrilled to be on the ice, even for training camp which has a weird atmosphere of players knowing they have a spot and treating this like regular preseason, and players who know their spot’s not guaranteed so they play their hearts out every minute.

The first few practices aren’t very smooth. No one really plays well, but that’s to be expected. They’re coming from all over, different teams, different leagues, and it takes time to learn and build chemistry with each other. Hilary leaves practice feeling like crap even though she knows she shouldn’t, and she tries to act like the older, more experienced player, tries to take on the leadership role of telling everyone not to sweat it, that it’ll come, but it’s hard when she doesn’t believe what she’s saying.

Things get better. They always do. The team gets used to playing with each other, the coaches find consistent lines so they’re not switching it up every five minutes. Hilary feels confident about the season.

Her and Y/N talk as often as they can. It’s not as much as Hilary wants, but she has to make do. They have skype dates, which suck in comparison to real dates, but seeing Y/N’s face, even through her laptop screen is better than nothing.

It’s a few weeks of training camp and then the final rosters are announced. Hilary feels bad for the girls who get cut. It’s the reality of only having six teams and a limited number of spots. She knows she can’t make it better, but she still makes a point to reach out to all of them and compliment them on their playing and tell them to keep it up. The league will expand and there will be more spots and Hilary doesn’t want anyone feeling like they’ve lost their chance.

Training camp ends and preseason begins. Hilary feels like she’s going to vibrate out of her skin. All the teams are going to Utica. Y/N is going to Utica. Y/N is going to be in the same city as Hilary.

Their first game is against each other.

Hilary hates when she has to play against Y/N, but she also kind of loves it. She loves riling Y/N up, getting under her skin, watching her get increasingly annoyed by Hilary, and then having her joking lecture Hilary about it after the game. Hilary likes it when she wins and gets to gloat and brag about her win, but she also likes when Y/N wins because the easy, joyful confidence that borders on arrogance looks really damn good on Y/N. Either way, Hilary reasons, she walks away from the game as a winner.

Hilary doesn’t end up playing, Courtney Kessel deciding to rest her and a few other players, and to see what the rest of the players can do. That was her justification to Hilary when she told her she wasn’t dressing, that she already knows what Hilary can do, what she brings to the team, and she wants to see what everyone else can bring. Hilary gets it, even if it annoys her, and not just because she doesn’t get to play Y/N, but also because she hates having to watch from the stands and not being able to do anything for her team on the ice.

Boston loses, 5-2, and it’s preseason so it doesn’t matter and winning or losing isn’t the point, and Hilary knows that so she joins the team in the locker room and nods along as their coaches go over what they did well and what they need to work on.

Y/N’s waiting for Hilary outside the locker rooms. She’s freshly showered, her hair still wet and dripping on her shoulders, and she wears a smug smile that means Hilary’s in for a night of insults and brags.

“We both have games tomorrow,” Hilary says before Y/N can say anything, “So don’t expect me to stay up late listening to you gloat about a preseason game against undrafted invitees.”

“You’re no fun,” Y/N leans up on her toes to kiss Hilary.

“Come on,” Hilary takes Y/N’s bag from her. It’s not her hockey bag, that one gets handled by the equipment staff, so it's not big or heavy, but what kind of girlfriend would Hilary be if she let Y/N carry her own bag after she played a full game of hockey.

“I’m not going to play tomorrow,” Y/N says on the way back to the hotel.

“That makes sense,” Hilary says, “Make sure everyone plays and rest those who are already a guarantee.”

Y/N is quiet for a few moments. Hilary glances a look over at her and Y/N’s hands are shoved deep in her pockets and she stares down at her feet. It’s such a contrast to how Y/N looked at the rink. The smugness, the happiness seems to be sapped out of her and Hilary doesn’t know why.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll get cut,” Y/N says.

“What?” For a second Hilary isn’t sure she heard right.

“I’ve been playing like shit. Coach already took a risk on Spoons and she’s got more experience than me. He’ll want her more than me, and I just keep showing that I’m not back to where I was before my concussion and I’ll probably never be.”

“That’s bullshit,” Hilary says. Y/N scoffs. “I mean it! All of us are rusty, no one is at their peak and that doesn’t mean you’re going to get cut. You’ve played one preseason game, no one is expecting you to play like you’re in midseason form.”

“I played like shit at the rivalry games and I’ve been playing like shit all training camp. You’re not rusty, you got four points at the rivalry games. I bet you’ll score tomorrow and I’ll be lucky if coach even lets me ride the bench for the season.”

“Y/N…” Hilary doesn’t know what to say. Y/N’s been making great progress with her insecurities, understanding that one bad game or one bad practice doesn’t determine what kind of player she is, and this conversation feels like they’re back to square one. Hilary wants to rant and rave about how amazing Y/N and how hard she is to play against and list every good play Y/N’s made in her entire career, but Hilary knows Y/N won’t hear it. At least not right now.

“Do you think he’ll cut Spoons too? Or Maltais? She didn’t get any points today and she took a couple of penalties,” Hilary says.

“No, of course not. He’d be stupid if he did.”

“I wish you would grant yourself the same grace you give others,” Hilary says, “I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

Y/N doesn’t answer. She doesn’t say anything the rest of the way back, and she pulls Hilary into her hotel room and drags her onto the bed. Hilary’s normally the big spoon, which is fine with her because she loves getting to hold Y/N, but tonight, Y/N pushes at Hilary until she rolls over, her back to Y/N. Y/N tucks herself against Hilary, her arms around Hilary’s waist and her nose pressed between Hilary’s shoulder blades. Hilary grabs Y/N’s hand and holds it tightly.

***

Y/N doesn’t play the next day. She sits with the other players who aren’t dressing and watches Toronto lose 5-4. She heads down to the locker room with the rest of the team and listens to Troy Ryan’s speech.

“Could’ve used you out there,” Blayre pats Y/N’s shoulder as Troy finishes and the team begins to trickle out.

“Oh my god yes,” Nursey pipes up, “Imagine if we had her in the neutral zone.”

Y/N doesn’t really know what to say. She doesn’t know what they think she could’ve done, and she doesn’t think she’s allowed to say that she doesn’t think she would’ve done anything if she had played.

“So,” Nursey nudges Y/N, “Should I vacate the hotel room for you and Hilary tonight or are you kicking her roommate out?”

“What? Oh,” Y/N fumbles around with her bag just to give herself something to do, “I don’t uh, probably, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know what Hilary wants to do.”

Everyone’s starting to trickle out of the locker room, so Y/N thinks it’s alright if she does too. She’s not looking up when she leaves, just wanting to get out of the arena and away from all things hockey as soon as she can.

“Hey Hilary Knight!” Sarah’s voice booms, “Do I get to stay in my own hotel room tonight or should I find somewhere else to sleep?”

Y/N’s head snaps up, and there’s Hilary, standing in the hallway, waiting for her.

“Nah,” Hilary says, “We kicked you out last night, Brandt can figure it out.”

“What are you doing here?” Y/N says to Hilary once the team has mostly dispersed from the hallway, “Don’t you have a game, like right now?”

“Yeah,” Hilary shrugs, “But we had to wait for you guys to clear off the ice first so.”

“We’re off the ice, so you should be on it,” Y/N says. Despite her words and her tone, Y/N is actually touched that Hilary’s here. Hilary, who should be with her team, who should be warming up, who should be using these precious preseason games to build chemistry with her new team, who should be acting as captain and putting hockey first over everything, is here, waiting outside another team’s locker room for a few minutes of conversation with her girlfriend.

“I’ll go in a sec,” Hilary says, “I just wanted to see you. I’ll text you when I’m back to the hotel? If you’re up for it we could grab dinner and hang.”

“I’d like that,” Y/N says. Hilary makes a move as if she’s going to leave, and Y/N drops her bag on the ground, and hugs Hilary tight around the waist. Hilary hugs her back immediately. Y/N closes her eyes, buries her head in Hilary’s chest. Y/N forces herself to pull back after a moment, she knows Hilary needs to go. Hilary doesn’t let her go far though, pulling her back in to give her a few pecks before letting her go.

“You really need to go,” Y/N says, “And I’m gonna miss the bus.”

“It must be the end of the world if you have to stay and watch me play and ride back with us later.”

“I’d rather not be put on house arrest for the rest of preseason. You know Troy would find a way to keep me away from all the other teams.”

“Yeah,” Hilary grimaces, “You better go.”

***

It doesn’t quite sink in until later, what being on two different teams means.

Yes, Y/N knows what it means and she knows they’ll be living in two different cities, she knows this. She’s been grappling with it since the league was announced, since before they even knew they were going to be on different teams. It occurs to her, later, when Y/N is giving Nursey an apologetic look as Hilary shows up at their hotel room, that they’ve been living in some sort of a bubble.

The Rivalry Series, preseason, they’ve been on different teams, but in the same place. They’re still seeing each other every day, no matter how brief, even if it’s just passing each other in the hall, they still see each other. They spend every night in one of their hotel rooms, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Hilary flops on Y/N’s bed like it’s her own, throwing her beanie on top of Y/N’s suitcase on the floor. She grabs the tv remote and flips through the hotel’s limited channels. She sits with one arm behind her head, her legs crossed over each other, sweatpants low on her hips, shirt rising up. Y/N doesn’t even notice Nursey leaving.

“Are you just going to stand there staring at me all night?” Hilary teases. Y/N rolls her eyes and joins Hilary on the bed. Hilary shifts instinctively, letting Y/N fit under her arm. Hilary’s still channel flipping.

It strikes Y/N then, that she doesn’t get this anymore in less than a month. She only gets Hilary for another week or two at most. And then all she’ll get is a handful of times when their teams play each other. It makes her want to cry. In fact, she does, lowering her head and trying to make sure Hilary doesn’t see.

Hockey has always been Y/N’s safe place. Whenever she has doubts or insecurities, or when her brain won’t shut off, or when she just needs to be good, she has hockey. She’ll shoot pucks in a net in the driveway if she has to. Wherever she is, whatever is going on, she’s always had hockey.

With her concussion, Y/N didn’t have hockey. She didn’t have that escape when she needed to forget the world. And even now, even though she can play again, hockey doesn’t turn her brain off. She gets in her own head about hockey now. She’s not 100% yet and she doesn’t know if she ever will be and every second she’s on the ice, she’s paranoid about how she’s playing and every time she’s near the boards it’s like she can feel the phantom presence of skaters behind her, ready to shove her again. Every time she takes a hit she panics that she’s hurt her head again.

She realizes in that moment, hockey isn’t her escape, Hilary is. Every time she needs to shut her brain off, she’s turned to Hilary. When the media, when her head, when her fear threatens to consume her, she has Hilary to distract her until she feels better. And she realizes that soon Hilary will be miles away, hours away, and she won’t be able to just go to Hilary or have Hilary come to her and make it all better.

Oh god, Y/N thinks, how the hell am I going to last a whole season without her?

***

After preseason, the next leg of the Rivalry series comes. It feels like the month goes by so quickly, but Hilary loves it. She spends the whole time playing hockey and hanging with her friends and being with Y/N. She’s fought so hard for this league and now that it’s here, she’s spending every moment soaking it in and being grateful that it’s finally here.

The first game is in Kitchener. Y/N’s not from Toronto, but her hometown is only a few hours away, so she always talks about Toronto like it’s home. Whenever someone asks Y/N where she’s from, she’ll say Toronto. It took Hilary months to learn that Y/N didn’t actually grow up in Toronto.

“It’s just easier,” Y/N explained, “People know where Toronto is. I don’t have to try and explain where I’m from and everyone would just ask what the nearest big city is, or if it’s near Toronto. It’s just easier.”

Kitchener isn’t Toronto, Hilary knows this, but it’s only a few hours away. Y/N’s family will be at the game. Hilary hasn’t not met Y/N’s family, but apart from a few phone calls where she stuck her head in to say hi, she hasn’t really met them. At the Olympics, Y/N’s family had been there, but she wasn’t ready for them to meet Hilary, she wanted to wait until the Olympics were over. Then, her concussion, and they were almost broken up, and well, there just hasn’t been a good time.

If asked, Hilary wouldn’t say she’s nervous. She’s met lots of people’s families before, her partners’ families, her friends’ families, and everyone loves her. Hilary is actually really good at the ‘meeting the family’ thing that she never worries when someone’s relative approaches her. However, she loves Y/N. She loves Y/N more than anything and she doesn’t know if they know anything about their almost breakup or how awful Hilary was or if they know that it was partially Hilary’s fault that Y/N got a concussion.

What Hilary is mostly concerned about is that they know about all of it and they’ve already decided they don’t like her. That they’ll tell Y/N they don’t approve and Y/N will break up with her, for good this time.

It’s a bit dramatic, and Hilary knows how much Y/N loves her. Everything has been so good. A couple of bumps with the draft and being on different teams and not being out and they’re finally in a good place with all of it. They’ve been through so much and come out on the other side that Hilary knows Y/N isn’t going to throw everything away, throw her away, no matter what her family says.

It still makes her nervous though.

In the end, none of it really matters.

The US wins in overtime and Hilary and her teammates celebrate the hard fought win and going up 3-0 in the series. After the game, the locker room talks, and everyone finds their way to the buses and talks of what they’re going to do to celebrate when they get back (quietly, where the coaches can’t hear because they technically have a curfew because they have to leave for the next game tomorrow and they’re supposed to be resting and recovering) Hilary backs out of the celebrations and goes in the opposite direction of the bus. She’s already cleared it with the coaching staff and promises to be back in the hotel before curfew and she meets Y/N and her family in the parking lot.

“Hey, good game,” Hilary says to Y/N, “Too bad we were just better.”

“Shut up Hil,” Y/N rolls her eyes and gives Hilary a quick hug. Hilary turns to Y/N’s parents and offers her hand.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you – oh.”

Y/N’s mom ignores the hand and hugs Hilary. Y/N’s dad shakes her hand after the hug ends and as they walk to the car, Hilary doesn’t feel like an outsider, she feels like she’s part of the family. She pulls Y/N close to her side, kisses the side of her head, and keeps her smile pressed to Y/N’s hairline.

“What are you smiling about?” Y/N asks.

“I love you,” Hilary says, “I’m happy to be here with you. I’m happy to be a part of your life. I could do this forever with you, you know that?”

“Forever’s a long time,” Y/N says.

“Not with you it’s not.”

Hilary turns her head away and sees Y/N’s mom watching them, a smile on her face. Hilary doesn’t know what she was worried about.

***

They have a bit of a break for Christmas. Not a long one, but enough time to have the actual holiday off. The first game is January 1st, so they basically get Christmas Day off and are told they should report to their teams ASAP. Hilary’s fine with that, having lived the professional athlete life long enough to be used to missing holidays or just barely making them at all.

Hilary and Y/N had floated the idea around of spending Christmas together, but with their families in separate places, they decided to spend Christmas with their own families. Hilary wants to spend Christmas with Y/N, especially since they’re about to be separated for five months, but she sees her own family so little as it is, that she doesn’t have the heart to tell her mom she can’t come.

Hilary’s figuring out flights when she calls her mom to sort out their plans.

“Is it just you or is Y/N joining us?” Cynthia asks.

“Just me Mom,” Hilary says, “She’s seeing her family.”

“Is that what you want?” Cynthia asks.

“I want to spend it with her, but she doesn’t get to see her family ever and I respect that.”

“You know I love you and I would love you being here, but I don’t want you here if you’re going to spend your whole time on the phone with her. If your head is where she is then that’s where you should be too.”

“Mom,” Hilary says, “I can’t do that. It’s Christmas. I already made plans to come home.”

“You haven’t booked flights yet.”

“Mom.”

“I won’t be upset if you do come home,” Cynthia says, “You know I love whenever I get to see you, but I don’t want you sulking around my house on Christmas because you’d rather be somewhere else. We’ll come see you during the season and you’ll have the whole offseason to come see us. If you want to be with her, you should be with her.”

***

Y/N loves seeing her family. She hasn’t been able to be home much in recent years. She loves being home, but she can’t help being a little distracted. Hilary texted her ‘good morning’ earlier, but since then, Y/N hasn’t heard anything. It’s not the end of the world, since Hilary is probably busy with her own family, but it still bothers Y/N.

“How are you feeling about the season?” One of Y/N’s cousins asks. Y/N snaps back into the conversation.

“Oh, uh, I think it’ll be good. I’m excited to play,” Y/N says, “I’m… I’m nervous, because of my head, but the docs say I’m all good to play and hopefully no one’s gonna knock me head first into the boards again,” Y/N laughs.

Y/N keeps up the conversation, even though she’s half focused on her phone and the lack of message notifications. She’s too distracted to notice her own family looking at their phones, and too distracted to notice her mom getting up and opening the front door.

“It’s not fair that Y/N gets her present early,” Y/N’s cousin speaks up. Y/N looks up in confusion and almost chokes on air.

“Hi baby,” Hilary says, standing in the living room, bags at her feet, looking tired.

“Wh… What are you doing here?” Y/N stammers.

“Surprising you,” Hilary answers with a smile.

Y/N’s mom tells Y/N to take Hilary up to her room and get her settled before dinner. Y/N does, still in shock that Hilary’s here.

“I thought I might at least get a hug,” Hilary says once Y/N closes her bedroom door behind them, “After all, I did just fly all the way here to spend Christmas with you.”

Y/N takes Hilary’s bags from her, and drops them on the bed. Then she pulls Hilary into a hug. She takes a deep breath, taking in the scent and the feel of Hilary being here, with her.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N asks, not letting Hilary go.

“I want to spend as much time with you as I can before the season starts. I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Y/N says.

“Should we go back and join everyone?” Hilary asks. Y/N shakes her head.

Hilary did all of this, flew all this way, coordinated with her family, gave up Christmas with her own family, to spend it with Y/N. It almost hurts, how much Y/N loves Hilary. Y/N loves her so much, and she’s never felt as loved as she does with Hilary, and here, in her room, with the sounds of her family’s laughter downstairs, and with Hilary’s arms around her, Y/N can’t help but think how lucky she is.

And how much the next five months will suck.

#hilary knight #hilary knight imagine #hilary knight x reader #hockey imagine #womens hockey imagine #hockey rpf #uswnt imagines #uswnt hockey #woho #pwhl

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cosmictulips · 2 years ago

Text

I'm Wishing... For the One I Love... to find me...today (PAC)

So this fun pac is all about Your Future Spouse & When You'll be meeting them.

Close your eyes and pick a disney princess ;) --- as always if you want more pacs feel free to follow me. I'm trying to be more active this year. and uhm, yea. this is part one of a series that I'm doing.

I am also open to doing exchanges and paid tarot readings. for more info feel free to look on my blog or reach out.

Coincidently, they are also in order of which they came out.

My pile 1's !

Who This Person Is ::

The Magician, the Hierophant, King of Swords, 10 of Pentacles, 09 of Swords, 05 of Pentacles

Yea so, this person is having it rough right now. they could come a rather difficult life, but regardless of whether or not it's a rough life or just a period, the thing to know about them is that they don't quit. they will work themselves to death if it means they can achieve their goals. they are very hard on themselves and will keep pushing and beating on a dead horse. they simply have a hard time letting go.

they are very intelligent people and because of that, they've been able to work smarter not harder ;) they have a strong foundation but -and I really can't emphasize this enough-, they really had to work at it. the money that they have, the friendships, connections, etc. came from a long line of suffering. dare I suggest this person has heavy saturn or pluto influence. just fixed energy comes from this person.

they are stubborn, they are witty, and blunt. but they are also soft and very wise. they aren't a boulder, they will move mountains. despite this anxiety that I'm picking up on, they are a marshmellow. they believe in the best and they believe that they deserve nothing but the best. and they believe that to be the case with everyone. this person is hard on others because they see the potential and want to push you to be better.

they are a giver. they will give you everything if it meant that you will fly. they've had to learn the hard way that you can't just give everything away. so don't be surprised if they come off as closed off to you. they lack alot in this life time but they know they can achieve greatness.

I think the fear of abandonment and never having enough to survive, drives them forward. they get in their head a lot. they are probably their own worst enemey to be honest. Taurus energy is coming through strongly but that's because I'm picking up on homebody vibes. this person likes to cook. likes to be surrounded by like minded individuals and things that make them happy.

there's a tendency to relax only when their body is ready to give out. they are stubborrrnnnnn. I can't stress that enough. they'll tell you to go shower and sleep but they'll never sleep and never shower because they're just too focused on what is ahead of them haha. definitely the type to be like "do as I say not as I do".

wouldn't be surprised if this person has some sort of management job or is doing their own thing. they're destined to have it all in this life time and they know it. I'm seeing someone with an intense stare, so definitely, don't.... be too shy around them. they will see your nervousness and feel anxious about it. they'll want to spoil you and protect you. definitely a lot of masculine, just strong energy here. even if it is a female.

they're also intuitive as heck but I think they let the worries get to them. they think that ... by branching out and thinking "illogically" will just hurt them so they try to stick to what they know. so you might have to change that way. they want to believe in stuff like Tarot, but their rationality will talk them out all the time. so get them into it lol.

if you can get them out of their head, and you will cause they're your person, you'll see a very loving, and spontaneous side to them. someone good with their words and loves to laugh. they have a smile that just lights up the sky bruh. it's so cute.

When You Two Will Meet ::

sooo I'm getting May -June, September- October. these can be birthdays, these can be literal months that you two meet. I'm also hearing gemini season which I think further throws May into the mix haha.

You two are going to be in a situation where you will talk... a lot. maybe someone introduces you two, maybe you both are late for the train and miss it and have to wait for another one. regardless, I see one of you making idle chat and then you both just go off . this person is extremely easy to talk to despite their kind of nonchalant gaze. and I feel like it's one of those things where you two will just keep running into each other.

I did pick up on other people being around so I have a funny feeling it's a public place. a party, a museum, idk. just someplace where you both might be thinking you're talking to your friends but it turns out it's each other. or you both just... it's perfect timing to be honest.

ALSO you could be meeting via a dating app. something about texting. I see a lot of texting and talking online.

My Pile 2's !

Who They Are ::

The High Priestess, The Magician, The Lovers, King of Wands, Queen of Swords, Page of Wands, 07 of Cups, 03 of Pentacles

so. this persons energy really wanted me to stress just how different they are to other people. strong neptune energy. they are like "I'm adaptable, I can do whatever you ask me to do and I'll still be me". so really, just strong mutable placements.

this person is kind of lucky. when I was getting the cards out for this, I kind of kept laughing. this person really has a great sense of humor and just enjoys being around things and people and places. travelers. probably the type to know a lot of weird things. like a lot, but of niche things haha. great conversationalists.

Very romantic people. might be a bit of a flirt. really good at getting what they want. they tend to bring good luck wherever they go. not the type to really be argumentive or defensive, but they sure as hell can be. they know how harsh the world is and they try not to let it get to them. they try not to use their words as a weapon. but they are sharp. don't let that happy go lucky attitude fool you.

they may be a bit indecisive. they like to do a lot of things... at once. maybe they have ADHD. they just like to see people smile. type to just go on spontanious roadtrips haha. they are very intutiive and I have a funny feeling that they might be into the mysical and the paranormal. I mean, with their wandering mind, they probably are.

definitely daredevils. I hear... that some of them might be good at baking. gardening. they take care of things. they're gentle souls. I feel like they're a gemini lol. maybe they have strong gemini placements or something. mercurial for sure.

people love to be around them. I think they're just good at getting others to work together. could be popular but to be honest with you, I think they're just talkative haha. people could just want to hang out with them. like, I see them knowing people, but very few actually get close to them. talkative, but ...secretive. ya know what I mean?

definitely some leo vibes going on. but, not arrogant. they just know how to have a good time and not take things too seriously. unless they need to.

I think... as for jobs, they might be inclined to help people. teaching, medical type stuff, theater even. music. they just... LIKE TO DO THINGS IDK. some of them might even do more mystical things haha.

When You Two Will Meet ::

some of you will meet around five months from now. the thing about the meeting is, I'm seeing you two meet during a time of... not necessarily failure but just saddness. maybe something doesn't really work out, maybe you're in the middle of a healing journey or they are. but they are just... sad. grieving.

maybe there's just some extesential dread. did I spell that right? dread lol. I think honestly, this has to do with the fact that while they are surrounded by people and are liked, they don't feel connected. and so when they meet you, they're going to be so inclined to be with you instantly. you two are like souls who are meant to meet. and they'll know it right away.

anyway, I see a rainy season. so maybe summer is important here. spring too but I really think it's summer.

My Sweet 3's!

Who They Are ::

The World, Strength, The Lovers, 09 of Pentacles, 02 of Wands, 02 of Cups

The first thing that came to my mind was just how much of a romantic this person is. they just have a zest for life. this person is also very independent and they enjoy just doing things that make them happy. I keep hearing nature, so I think this person might like to go hiking and being around animals. I'm seeing lots of trees in particular. I think they just like to be introvert haha.

they have a vivid imagination. they like to plan, and daydream and are very artisitic in their expression. very forgiving people. they have a very soft but calm vibe. I think this person tries not to let things get to them. they ... kind of struggle with self confidence. I'm getting this message that some of them really struggled a bit growing up and now they just... glow. they're used to handling things on their own.

It's kind of like number one and two. this person is very balanced. they have big ideas and they want to puruse them but I think things just keep falling out of place. they get stuck in their own minds about it but it hasn't stopped them just yet. they keep trying.

they have this strong gut instinct that something big is out there waiting for them. they're serious but also like... they tend to goof around. they know what they're looking for and won't settle for anything less. but the execution in their ideas, might need a little help.

they're very striaghtforward in their speech. people are very interested in what they have to say and I think it's because they don't say much. it's funny cause I feel like this person is just coasting by right now. like doing a "low end" job. but it's because they are aiming for the larger stuff. they're waiting for their time to shine. they're patient. it's honestly fascinating. they know something is going to happen. and they're not slowing down, but they know enough to wait.

very strong minded, wise and mature. capricorn energy is what I'm getting here but also aquarius and virgo. detail oriented.

When You Two Will Meet ::

August and September is kind of the time frame I'm getting here. I think also capricorn and virgo season is important here. this relationship is going to take time to develop. this person is very secure in who they are and they want to romance you. winter is also coming to mind but that kind of hits home with the capricorn season haha.

Idk, there's not much to say about this person and timing. they're quiet. but it's not a bad thing.

#pac #pick a card #pick a pile #free tarot reading #free tarot #tarot reading #tarot #pacs

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mistywaves98 · 2 years ago

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yfsdtydcstshegwsvjhgv hear me out hear me out,,,, yandere!scara controlling reader like he did Haypasia but instead of just making her follow him, he turns the reader into his personal cumdump- reader tries oh so hard to fight back, watching as if its a movie as her body is used as a fucktoy for the ex-harbringer- but the thing is, after a while of this, the reader begins to believe everything he says, that her only purpose in life is to bring him pleasure and becomes scara's perfect obedient little pet <3

-super duper cool anon

This is such a juicy idea anon!

Edit: I think I strayed a bit from what the ask said, sooo uhh, really sorry about that anon 😬😔

✧･ﾟ:* Yandere! Scaramouche x Fem! Reader

✧･ﾟ:* ¡Warnings!: Not proofread, Yandere themes (but not that intense), Non con, Degradation, Lots of repetition of words, collaring, rough sex, Mean! Scaramouche, Kidnapping, I think that's it!

✧･ﾟ:* Minor writing smut! DNI if uncomfy!

✧･ﾟ:* Reblogs are greatly appreciated!

As another one of the scholars who dedicated their lives to trying to connect their consciousness to Irminsul, that is what you spent all of your time doing. Yes, you knew of the tales of what happened to most of those who did manage to accomplish such a task but your desire for the kind of knowledge you could potentially gain blocked out any protests against your actions.

One time you actually saw something while meditating, visions of some sort and although they were blurry and barely distinguishable, it excited you. Since then, you've been training hard, hoping to experience that again.

You heard from somewhere that the Palace of Alcazarzaray was a good place to practice your meditation, so that's where you could be found as the days followed. As you meditated more and more, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to your goal, it was only a matter of time, you told yourself. However, you also realized that during the rare times when you weren't meditating, you felt dazed and unfocused and often times you swore you saw something, or glimpses of someone. Though this worried you to a very small extent, instead, you thought you just needed to work a little harder. Eventually it got to a point where you spent all your time meditating, evoking worry from your relatives. In fact, the only thing that stopped you from meditating full time was them coming to 'snap you out of it' as they said. This annoyed you very much and although you knew they meant well, you were too close now and you had already accepted the risks this journey was accompanied with.

So, taking a small choice of possessions, you went to a remote, isolated part of the forest where you would meditate for days on end, not sleeping, eating or drinking. Strangely enough, your body seemed fine with it too, you weren't fatigued at all, it was just the haziness and hallucinations.

Now you were sitting on the floor of the cave, face relaxed but at the same time fixed with an expression of concentration. You focused....and focused.....and focused.....

Yes....

You could feel it, just a little more....

Your eyes suddenly shot open.

Scanning your surroundings you immediately realized something was off. The earth seemed to be layered with a gray tint and there was someone standing right in front of you with their back turned.

"Have...I...finally done it once more? Is....my consciousness.... connected to Irminsul?" You hesitantly ask, "Hmph. Not even a 'hello' at least? I expected better from my first follower."

What? What is he talking about? But wait.... He seems familiar..."Who...are you?" It's difficult to talk, your mind feels heavy and your vision is blurring momentarily. "Me? They call me Scaramouche or 'the Balladeer.' I am a member of the eleven fatui Harbingers but soon I will be known as the god of Sumeru. For now, however, you will address me as 'master,' understood?" He turned around and you were met with two purple eyes glaring down at you. The Harbingers? You've heard of that before, back when you were in the Akademiya, they're from Snezhnaya, right?

Scaramouche's voice brings you out of your thoughts,"I said, 'is that understood?' " "U-uh, yes....master..." His frown turns into an expression of smugness. "Good, I suppose you're pretty baffled by the situation you've found yourself in, but I'll have some mercy and explain it to you."

Your eyes widen when he reveals that he had been watching you ever since you had that experience with the indescribable visions. Those were...his memories? And apparently he's going to become a god? And he has chosen you as his first follower? "Why, you may ask? Well, no one has ever managed to connect directly to my consciousness before, so I took this as a sign. A sign that you are the chosen one." Huh, so you didn't connect to Irminsul after all and instead you're peering into the consciousness of one of the Harbingers? This information is hard for your now unstable mind to process. It hurts...You bring a hand to your aching forehead and try to soothe the pain. "...Can't...focus.."

Suddenly, a hand grips your jaw and tilts your head up so that you make eye contact with him,"You look so dumb right now, but it's alright, you won't need to think much from now on." You gasp as he kisses you roughly, pushing his tongue into your open mouth. His hands grab both of your wrists in a painful grip as he shoves you into the ground, lips still connected. You try struggle under his grip, only to find you can barely move. You try breaking the kiss but not only does he push harder, you can't even move your head and when he pulls away, you cringe at the strings of saliva between you two.

"Why...?" Is all you can manage as you gasp for breath,"Don't ask questions, all you need to know is that you are going to be my little stress toy from now until the day you die." His tone is snappy and you shut up at once, mind hazy. Scaramouche looks as your flushed face and chuckles darkly,"Your mind is weak, you can't even think straight, can you? And without the ability to properly process things you leave your body in a very vulnerable state, don't you know that? Hehe, I'm going to have so much fun with you..." He was right, your mind was under so much strain during your intense meditation sessions, now you don't have the brain to fight back.

His hands let go of your wrists and began to trail down your body, stopping to cup your breasts. You couldn't help but moan as he massaged the soft flesh through your clothes. Then, without warning he tore your top apart, exposing the white bra confining your chest. He made quick work of that two and as soon as the piece of fabric fell to the ground, his fingers went up to flick your now-hard nipples. Suddenly he gave them both a particularly harsh tug, grinning when you yelped in pain. With one hand playing with your left breast, he used his free hand to hike up your obnoxiously long skirt.

"You don't even wear a pair of shorts under this? Such a whore." He smirked at the help you let as as he smacked your pussy. You bit your lip as whimpers threatened to leave your throat as he used his slender fingers to circle your clothed clit. "Please....stop..." "Stop? When you are this wet? Just admit it, you're getting off on your god fucking you." "No...I—" You gag as Scaramouche stuffs three fingers deep down your throat "Stop talking and suck if you know what good for you."

When he finally decided you're wet enough, he slipped your panties off and pocketed them despite your protests. He then flips you unto your stomach before taking his cock out of the confines of his pants,"Now we move on to my favourite part."

A ragged scream is ripped from your throat as he immediately bottomed out inside of you. The situation doesn't get any better when he starts moving right after, barely giving you time to adjust to his size. His pace is fast and his thrusts are brutal, your body rocks back and forward with each slam of his hips. Your own hips feel bruised from the grip he has on them. The burn of his cock abusing your insides has tears streaming down your face and choked out sobs and moans leaving your mouth. A sadistic smile is plastered across his face, clearly enjoying your discomfort and pain,"You look so pretty with tears flowing down your face—hah—you feel so good, these virgin walls are squeezing me so tightly. Yes, cum of my cock, on your lord's cock and show me that only I can pleasure you like this."

Until that moment you didn't even realize you were getting closer to orgasming but you did as he said and the knot in your stomach snapped as you released all over him with a cry. That didn't stop Scaramouche from continuing to fuck you though, his pace barely faltered and his thrusts were just as hard as before,"Please—ngh—stop...no—more..." "Shut up. Your master hasn't had his pleasure yet and you will take everything he gives you until he's satisfied."

He then proceeded to bury his teeth into your neck, biting down so hard the skin broke, causing blood to leak from the wound. You shiver as his tongue darts out to lick a long stripe up your neck, gathering the warm liquid on it in the process. The way his cock is pistoning in and out of you has you weakly clawing at the dirt beneath. You continue to helplessly moan as his breathing gets more ragged and heavy, he must be close. Said assumption proves to be right when you suddenly feel a burst of hot liquid shoot straight into your pussy. Scaramouche finally stops and pulls out of your sore cunt, watching as the white substance leaks out of your abused hole, past your trembling thighs and onto the ground. A pleased look adorns his face,"Hehe, seems like I forgot to mention that I was about to cum, but that's alright, you couldn't anything about it anyway even if you knew."

You sat on the bed situated in the corner of the room, staring at the wall. Your eyes eventually landed on the chains binding your hands to the bed posts, restricting your movements. They were so short, you couldn't even walk a few inches away from the bed.

It had been months since Scaramouche kidnapped you from the cave you originally resided in after fucking your brains out. Since then he has kept you here, occasionally coming to 'check up' on his little pet which mostly consisted of him manhandling you till you were about to pass out. Everytime he came to you, you could see how he was gradually falling into madness. His words became more cruel, more unghinged, more obsessive.

It made you afraid of him and you were worried that someday he might snap and do something unthinkable.

Your gaze shifted to the mirror on the dresser right across from you. A collar was tightly looped around your neck with the name 'Scaramouche' in bold letters. Your hand came up and you tugged it slightly. It didn't budge. Tears filled your eyes at the humiliating memories it brought back. When he first showed it to you, you absolutely refused to wear it and after a lot of resistance from you he was able to secure it, he also fastened it so tightly it choked you at first. And he never bothered to loosen it. Sometimes, on the days when he was feeling it, he would attach a leash to the collar and use it to suffocate you if you were being to bratty.

Your eyes went lower to observe your attire. You'd been forbidden to wear anything besides a town that barely covered your thighs. That is, unless Scaramouche demanded otherwise. The material was so thin and you weren't even allowed to wear anything under it. For easy access, he said.

You've gotten over your dizzy, hallucinating state a long time ago and since you're usually locked up in the room, it's given you a lot of time to think. What has happened to your family? Have they noticed your disappearance? Are they looking for you? Did Scaramouche kill them? But he has no reason to do such a thing, but then again, you wouldn't put it past him to kill innocent people.

You flinch as the door opens. He's back already?

Your eyes widen in fear and you can't help but back up little by little when he approaches you. Soon you're pressed against the headboard and he gets on the bed and crawls over you. You stare into his dull eyes with your frightened ones. You can't see anything but obsession, lust and insanity in them.

"How's my little servant doing? Have you been enjoying your time here? You better have been. Why do you look so afraid? Hehe, you thought I wouldn't notice? You can't hide anything from your god you know." His cold hand rested on your cheek, slowly going down to trace the letters engraved on the collar you were forced to wear. A maniacal smile stretched across his face as he looked at it, pupils dilating with lust. Suddenly he hooked his fingers under it and gave it a sharp tug, briefly laughing when you gasped and instinctively grabbed his arm, as he pulled you forward.

Now he was so close that you could feel his hot breath against your lips. Without warning he kissed you with so much force your head hit the wooden headboard of the bed. This caused your mouth to slightly part in surprise and Scaramouche's tongue was practically down your throat instantly.

His knee made it's way between your legs, pressing up against your bare pussy and rubbing against it. You felt him smile against your mouth as your thighs squeezed his own in a futile attempt to conceal your now aroused state.

When he finally broke the kiss, you gratefully inhaled the much needed oxygen as your face burned with humiliation. You hated being in such a vulnerable state, you hated being so easy to take advantage of. But there was nothing you could do about the way the Harbinger's hands snuck under your gown to roughly grope your chest. No matter what you did or wanted to do, you could only moan in guilty pleasure.

Soon enough, you found yourself in a familiar but unwelcomed position: face pressed into the pillow with your 'lord's' dick thrusting in and out in an attempt to get off. Your hands held onto the sheets for dear life as you came for the 3rd time. Tears rolled down your face and drool stained the pillow as Scaramouche laughed cruelly at your fucked out appearance,"Need a break? Too bad, you won't get one."

You could only mumble inaudible phrases in between gasps and moans in response,"Ngh—please master—hngh—please cum in me—!" "What's that? You want me to fill this slutty hole of yours with my cum? That's right, fill up you like the cumdump you are?" He smirked as you only panted small, breathy 'yes'' to his degrading words. Moments later he finally reached his high and shot his load into your tight pussy.

Scaramouche didn't bother to pull out and instead pressed his chest against your back and whispered into your ear, possessiveness evident in his tone,"No one else can or ever will make you feel like this, only I can bring you this kind of pleasure. You're mine, mine to fuck how I want, mine to do with whatever I please. Right, my little servant?" You nodded dumbly to his statements, mind too mushy to think straight.

You really were just a cumdump for him.

#badly written ending as always #also new anon yayy #smut #x reader smut #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #genshin impact x reader smut #yandere #yandere genshin impact #yandere x reader #yandere x reader smut #yandere smut #yandere scaramouche x reader smut #yandere scaramouche #scaramouche x reader smut #scaramouche smut #yandere genshin x reader #✧･ﾟ:* meena's memos! ✧･ﾟ:*

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dulcewrites · 2 years ago

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Fool Me Once (part 6)

Pairing(s): Aemond Targaryen x reader (kind of lol), Aegon ii x reader, Rhaenyra x Alicent if you squint

Summary: You unlock new information as you descend for Dragonstone

A/N: sooo we are getting into the fun part (imo).. the character study and canon divergence! Just fair warning that this story is not going to go exactly like f&b or like the show. There will be elements taken from both. Can go ahead and let y’all know this will not be about who sits in the end, but more the chaos to get there. This also means different povs which is exciting. This chapter is sort of prepping everything for the next phase 😎

Fmo masterlist

“This seems like a convoluted plan, just for end goal for Aegon to be King,” Helaena sits in the middle of you chambers watching you pack.

“It is not about Aegon being king,” you reply, inspecting one your dresses. You scrunch you nose up and put it back in the closet. Perhaps it is best to stay away from green during your stay.

It may not be the story you told the Hand when he gave you the go ahead to leave. He thinks this whole plot is to lure Rhaenyra into a false sense of hope. Have her taste the thing she has wanted for so long before she fails miserably. This goes far beyond Aegon at this point. Him being king would just be a unexpected change. The rightful choice in the eyes of some. The crumbling of the realm in others.

“Upsetting the succession now could lead to upheaval,” Helaena does not seem to believe you.

“Do you really think I care about Rhaenyra’s reign when my kids are involved?”

It comes out more snappy than you intended. Helaena’s shoulders drop a bit. You know Helaena is just as protective over her kids as you are of yours. If there was a chance to strike the people who hurt them, she’d take the same shot. But, you know she is worried about what Aegon being king means for her family. You sigh and run your hand over your face. Putting down the clothes, you walk and sit next to her.

“We have given ourselves enough for this family and for the realm,” you whisper. “I am done with that.”

It sounds bratty, and selfish. You have given up so much, so has Helaena and Alicent, and yet you all are still expected to take things with a smile. Pretty, accommodating, and benevolent that you have the Targaryen name. Or in your case, that you can marry someone with that last name and everything that comes with it.

If you take the swing and miss, so be it. Sitting idle while those walk all over you has done nothing but put you and your children’s safety in danger. Your natural softness taken for weakness.

“And… Queen Helaena does not have bad ring to it,” you nudge her playfully, and she snorts in reply.

“Maybe Aemond will be king, and you’ll be queen,” it’s said in a teasing tone but then she grows a bit serious. “Aegon would probably give it up… if he got something in return.”

An uneasy feeling settles in the pit of your stomach. Neither of them are ready to rule, but then again who is. Aegon would make a charismatic, even forbearing king; he has a disarming way about him that would work in his favor. Though, his inability to check his emotions would get in the way. He goes by the sound of his heart, and whims of his desires. Aemond, your painfully pragmatic husband, would rule dogmatically. But his inability to emote or to be empathetic would make him volatile… maybe even cruel.

Then you have Rhaenyra, the Realm’s Delight. Even from when you were young, all you ever heard was how lovely she is. Never how smart or capable she is to rule; it always went back to her beauty and her fiery nature. You still do not know if that was her unfortunate lot in life because of her gender or rather no one can praise her readiness, because she simply is not. And her case is not helped in your eyes with someone like Daemon in her corner.

One thing they do share is an incompetent father, so any hopes for learning how it is done was quickly diminished. Sitting on the Iron Throne may not be something that can be taught. Viserys came after Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s long reign. A reign considered to be a successful one, and Viserys seemingly picked up nothing about being proactive.

You take a good look at Helaena. If it someone you will whole heartedly miss while away, it is your good sister. Helaena, who is everything good about the Targaryen name: warm, loyal, and untamed. But also kind, and way more analytical than people give her credit for. Helaena the Dreamer… Helaena the Great.

“We could make it so you could rule.”

She gives your proposition a scrunched up face, and laugher. Sharp and bright. You know she has no desire to rule, but you can not help but think she would be good at it.

“If that is the case, you have to rule with me,” she takes your hand with a soft smile.

You imagine a world where all the men have rode off to fight their war. The women left to rule over a piles of ash, tired small folk, and elusive nobility. Two queens - just you, Helaena, and the children.

What a life to live.

A knock on the door interrupts Aemond’s reading.

“Do not come in,” he does not even look up from the book. Despite his wishes, a head of short silvery hair pops in. “I said do not come in.”

Aegon pays his brother no mind, breezily waltzing into Aemond’s study. He sits in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk with a sigh, as if he was begrudgingly summoned. Aemond tries to go back to reading, but it is hard to when his brother is staring at him expectedly.

Large, expecting eyes boring into him. He hates how much he looks like their mother in certain lights.

“What,” he finally snaps, and Aegon just smiles softly. In that warm way that makes people feel like they can let their guard down. Aegon always had way of making people feel like they are in on the joke he about to tell. Aemond has learned not to fall for the smile; he’s been on the other side of the joke too much to trust it.

“Are you going to see your wife off,” Aegon keeps his tone even, not giving anything away. His voice lifting a bit when he says wife.

Aemond tries equally hard not to let his mask slip. “No, she said it would better to do that behind closed doors.”

Something about him sending you off would defeat the purpose of it looking like you are upset enough to leave. Aemond had felt his eye glaze over a bit when you were explaining everything. When he first lost his eye, he would get head-splitting headaches. He hated taking milk of the poppy for them. Criston would tell him to turn his brain off, try not to think of the pain.

He finds himself still doing it to this day. Whenever he feels that tingle in the back of head, he clears his mind. For someone who constantly has things racing through his mind, he has gotten surprisingly good at it.

He had felt a cool hand on his forehead. You have that look in your eye you had said, hand traveling towards his cheek. You do that to Daella and Alaric too. He does not know if it a mother thing, or just a you thing.

It broke him out of his self-inflicted daze, just like how Aegon’s humming interrupts his thoughts of you now.

“I suppose that is best,” Aegon leans back in the seat casually. Aemond just sighs, waiting for the next stone to turn. He knows his brother did not come just to ask that especially when he could have just asked you himself.

Aegon seems to be lit from within. As each day passes, his brother shifts into a different person. The difference makes it hard for anyone to be upset at the cause of Aegon’s new attitude. A happy Aegon is not something anyone should take for granted.

“Is that all,” Aemond would like to get out of this conversation with his headspace in tact. The disarming charm of Aegon is often followed by deep disappointment.

Even with Aegon’s new disposition, the two of them still cannot see things the same. The deeply hidden flickers of hope Aemond has for reconcilement between him and his brother leave his body slowly but surely. It is better that way. Hold no hope, and the let down never comes.

The mirth that radiates off Aegon switches quickly.

“I just hope it was all worth it in the end,” his tone is sharp, and cold. Aemond instinctively flitches as Aegon’s large eyes bore into him. He hates how much Aegon looks like their mother in certain lights. It feels like he’s being scolded by her.

“But then again, how could it be? You have been living a great love affair that turns out to be a farce,” Aemond’s eye twitches a bit. “It is something I have always loved about you, brother. You always do things with all your might. No half battles for you; even in your fuck ups.”

And he hates how deeply his brother makes him feel. Skin crawling childhood memories rush over him. If it is one thing Aemond hates, it is the feeling of being backed into a corner.

“No whore, and wife and children to descend away with our sister and her bastards.”

For a moment, Aemond thinks about lunging over the desk at Aegon. But he knows exerting strength over Aegon does nothing now, not the way it did many moons ago when Aemond had his growth spurt. Just another notch in the post of things that made the brothers resent each other.

That reason seems silly compared to the others.

He knows Aegon is not just doing this for you, he enjoys the taunting in the way only a brother would. The same way only siblings would worry and focus on what one has over the other. A childish mindset that neither of them grown out of unfortunately.

They will always measure themselves against each other. Aegon with Aemond’s relationship with their mother. Aemond watching Aegon squander and relinquish any want for power or duty that could be attached to his name. And now you.

The words crawl up Aemond’s throat, and itch his tongue. He wants to say it so badly, what he has been thinking about ever since a couple of nights ago.

“You never even wanted her till she was upset with me,” Aemond blurts. He sounds like child. How he did when he would go to Alicent, near tears, when he was younger.

When he was young, he dreamed for the day to be older, more reassured, not to feel so small. Now he is older, and free feeling he wanted still had not come. Sometimes Aemond has to pinch himself. On the arm, on his thigh, or even on the stomach; he must remind himself that he was not one and ten anymore. He is a man grown.

Some days the pinching works. Or he hears Alaric’s babbling in the room, and he brought back to reality. He is painfully grounded to the situation when he looks at his children. Other days, like today, he thinks of you and prays for the days when he was younger and his biggest worry was gaining a dragon.

A thought he never expected to have.

Occasionally, he wishes he were Helaena. His sister has expressed the grief that comes with her visions, but Aemond would gladly switch places. If it is one thing their foolish father was right about, it is that the power of dragons is nothing compared to the power of prophecy. A dragon cannot makeup for the pure magic that has been left behind. Alys taught him that as well.

He pinches himself extra hard at thought of her.

If he could master the magic of his ancestors, he could go back and change so many things. He wonders how much good he could do… or how much damage.

Aegon does not bother to give Aemond a rebuttal to that comment. Just lets the easy smile he had on before reappear on his face. He can tell by the look on Aemond’s face that he is unraveling. Aegon might gotten their mother’s face, but Aemond got her ability to be a prisoner to their own thoughts.

“We just better hope not a single hair on her head is harmed while she is there.”

Aegon gets up and leaves after that. They important part is left unsaid and implied. I’ll come after you if she gets hurt. This is your fault.

Aemond knows his brother will just be one person in a line of people who would want his head if this all blows up in your face. That is alright.

Perhaps the brothers do have one thing in common. If something does happen, he just might beat everyone to the punch on that one.

You had expected Otto to tell Alicent about you going to Dragonstone. But, the worried look she gave you when you mentioned it told you otherwise.

It affirmed to you that he was going to leave his daughter in the dark for as long as possible. You could not decipher if it was for her feelings and safety or because he knew Alicent would shut down any activity that could be seen as treasonous to Rhaenyra’s claim.

It took Rhaenyra, who Alicent had convinced to stay a few more days, telling her that it was Baela and Rhaena’s idea to calm Alicent’s anxious attitude. Reiterating that it would be nice to have you and Daella around to balance out the male energy at Dragonstone. The lie slid out of Rhaenyra’s mouth with ease. She had given you a knowing look.

You knew better than to think Rhaenyra would tell Alicent it was because of Aemond, the reason she believes, but the easy nature in which she deceives Alicent does make you sad.

The easy nature in which everyone deceives Alicent makes you sad. And now even you are not above that.

To get rid of that sick feeling in your stomach, you convince yourself Alicent knows better than to believe everything that comes out of Rhaenyra’s mouth. The same way you believe Rhaenyra knows better than to tell Alicent the whole truth. This is how their relationship is. Half truths and arguments. Pining and pushing. You can tell by the way they smile at one another that in the end it will always be them for each other; lies and all.

Sadism and Masochism in a different kind of way.

“The King and I will miss seeing the kids,” Alicent remarked.

You had to hold back a grimace. Daella and Jaehaera would often go and see their grandsire, at his behest. Hear him ramble on and on about whatever he could remember that day; often old histories. Daella has told you she hated it because he ‘smelled foul’. The statement had made Aegon cry with laughter.

Viserys had only seen Alaric twice since his birth. The first time you had to drag Aemond with you. Juggling two big babies that day.

You had watched Aemond bite back a sneer the entire time. Even Alicent made a face when Viserys mumbled something about Alaric already having a warrior spirit like his father. You supposed you cannot blame them for their apprehension. The jovial tone of his voice nothing like what Aemond heard growing up. It only leaves a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth.

You wanted to say Viserys’ delusions were illness driven, only getting worse with age. But he has always underestimated the damage he did with his kids. Viserys underestimates a lot of things.

The second time he saw Alaric, your sweet boy had decided to spit up all over the King. Then it was Aemond’s turn to laugh.

Viserys is so out of the loop. He seems to think your trip to Dragonstone was a testament to his grand showing for Rhaenyra. That his dinner speech moved you to the point of wanting to connect to the other of your husband’s family.

It is assumed that using Baela and Rhaena as a cover was not fully convincing to Alicent.

“Space can be a treasure at times,” Alicent whispered to you, squeezing your hand. “A new beginning once you get back.”

All you could do was hum in acknowledgment and try to smile. You cannot help but wonder how Alicent will respond if you get tangible proof that Rhaenyra had something to do with Alys. Would it ruin the move to reconciliation? Would it even matter by the time Rhaenyra is to take the throne?

If you cannot dwell too much; one foot in front of the other. The preparations to set sail with Rhaenyra were all prepped.

Your night was interrupted by a knock at the door. The knuckles on the door tapping to the tune of a Braavosi song you like. Aegon.

You have to bite back a smile. The two of you have not talked since the night of the dinner. It is a strange ordeal. Going from purposely ignoring each other’s existences to now a few days of not speaking feeling foreign. He sticks his head in with a sheepish look.

Men will always come back with their tails tucked between their legs when they think it is worth it

Your mother’s words playing your head. Instead of focusing Aegon, your mind drifts to Aemond. You know it is a point of contention for them, but it is hard not to compare them. Especially when they act so differently at times. To see Aemond grovel would be a sight. Perhaps he has before… just not for you.

He says nothing when he comes in, eyes fluttering over your pale blue night gown. You sigh, tying your robe around you. For all Aegon can be when he tries - sweet, observant, loyal to a fault. He’s still same boy in his bones; easily swayed by pretty things.

“Yes, Aegon?”

He still does not say anything, instead, he pulls a small box out of his pocket and hands it to you. Shy like a child trying to evade a scolding. You narrow your eyes at him, but still open the box.

Inside was dainty chain silver. Hanging from it was a bright yellow stone surrounded by pale pink ones. You shoulders slump. It’s beautiful, and entirely too much. Much like the man who is trying to give it to you.

“Is this your attempt at an apology,” you give a weak laugh.

“No,” he waves that notion off. “I am not going to apologize for vocalizing how bad of an idea I think this is. Though I know there is no stopping you once you set your mind to something.”

You know it would be hypocritical to judge Aegon and Aemond’s paranoia towards their older sister. She has not given them a reason to have faith in her. Neither has their uncle, who only seems to show up in moments of chaos. Those feelings are reciprocated by Rhaenyra and her family towards them.

“Think of it as more of a promise,” he walks towards to you, and the box suddenly feels like it weighs as much as a horse.

Chewing on the side of you cheek, you shake your head. “I cannot accept this Aegon. You are very kind but… I cannot.”

You never want to think the worst of people; even Aegon, who you have an admittedly rocky past with. It has never been your nature, till recently. Gifts leading to promises; promises leading to expectations you don’t know if you can handle. The affection of people in the Red Keep, especially the men, constantly wane.

It is hard not to blame your mother for how you feel right now. For every drop of wisdom she instilled in you, she left touches of fragility and fear. She made sure to reiterate the importance of having powerful people, specifically powerful men, in your corner but never explained what do to when the debt comes due.

It may not be what Aegon meant but these thoughts plague you often as loyalties shift. Even the most attentive, and helpful people want something in return. What happens when those expectations can not be met? Does the goodwill dry up?

Sensing your nerves, gently takes your wrist pulling you closer. “You are not alone in this. We are all here if you need to get out of there,” he pauses for a moment before cracking a smile. “Even Aemond would hop on Vhagar if something happened.”

You raise a brow, not knowing if this is him trying to cheer you up or if he genuinely believes it. You actually think the old beast probably likes you more than your husband most days. You hold back a shudder thinking about your first meeting with Vhagar. Beady eyes following you before huffing in approval. You remember the smell of sheep on her breath.

“She likes you!” Aemond seemed so happy she did.

Things were simpler back then. Mindless courting and no pain. You had fooled yourself into thinking everything would work itself out.

As if he heard you two speaking about him, the sounds of heavy boots echo through the halls.

As if a spell had been broken, Aegon lets go of your wrist giving you.

“Remember aim for the jugular or heart, and drive through.”

You laugh and roll your eyes. Criston had preached no mercy during their lessons, and it seems to be the only thing that stuck with Aegon.

Aemond interrupts you two by coming in, stopping in his tracks when he sees you both. He blinks blankly before sighing and going over to sit.

“Have fun with that,” Aegon whispers, before leaving.

You realize he never takes back the necklace. Think of it as a promise. He never told you what that promise was.

———

When Aemond was young, he over heard his grandsire speaking to his mother about him.

“You coddle him too much Alicent,” his voice gravely. “He is never going to grow up hiding beneath your skirts. It’s probably why he had not gained a dragon yet.”

She just stood and took it because that is what his mother always does when it comes to her father, or with Viserys. She had learned the art of taking everything and internalizing it. And then she wonders why he children do the same.

Aemond is master of it. He adds to the list of things he has grown quite good at. Along with his training with the sword, and his ability to retain things he learned through reading. Showing any emotion has only failed him over the years.

The only time he finds reprieve is at night.

The dreams tend to be the same each night. You standing over him, Dark Sister in hand, and unbridled hatred in your eyes. Aemond cannot call them nightmares in good faith; he finds them too entertaining for that. He does not know how you got the sword, but that is just another exciting part about the dreams. His mother did always say he had a morbid sense of humor.

The image of you having blade to him breaks up the monotony of life. In fact, he is sure he likes dream you more than the one he sees everyday. Dream you lacks the shiny luster that the real you carries. There is something so unapologetic about the look of disgust on your face. Some nights you slit his throat, quick and to the point. A merciful kill. Other times you take his other eye. The chambers ablaze; he sees and feels the heat before everything goes dark.

“Aemond, are you listening to me,” you sigh, breaking him out of his thoughts.

All he can do is look at you. You look ethereal, back lit by the fires throughout the room. Unwavering stares is all he can give you these days. In the early days of your marriage, you used to look away when the looks were to much. Now, you just stare back; eyes tired yet soft. Perhaps it is the inability for you harden yourself that makes the dreams so welcomed. He selfishly wants you to debase yourself the way he has. Aemond knows it is in there, but you are too smart to let it show in that way.

Maybe you will come back from Dragonstone, with untamed loathing in your heart, and Dark Sister attached to you. The spirits of the mad Targaryens that roam Dragonstone compelling you to snap. The dream you and the real one will merge into something terrifyingly beautiful.

What a way that would be to go.… in fire and blood.

The departure from King’s Landing went as smoothly as you could hope. Alicent and Helaena saw you off with sad smiles. The ship pulled off, and it felt like a momentary breath of relief. Sometimes you felt locked away in the King’s Landing

“Quite watchful, is she not,” Rhaenyra laughed. At first you thought she was speaking about Alicent. You turned towards the Red Keep to see Vhagar flying a comfortable distance behind. “She will turn back, right?”

You nod perplexed, watching as Daella waves at Vhagar.

You think back to laughing when Aemond asked if Daella would miss him, and she replied with a shrug and reminded him to feed Vhagar extra sheep while she is away. His sour disposition melts when she gives him a kiss on the cheek before she sprinted to say goodbye to her cousins. You try not to shift awkwardly when he kisses you on the cheek and tells you to be safe.

Eventually Vhagar does turn back, after circling the ship a couple of times.

You go to put Alaric down for a nap in one of the bottom room. When you first had him, his silence used to worry you. Often you found yourself leaning over his cot to see if he was still breathing. He sleeps like the dead, and stares as if he knows something you do not. The stare would be slightly menacing if it was not attached to such a cute face.

Ser Quinton comes in, and quietly closes the door. He looks as uneasy as you feel. He seems to share the same skepticism everyone has about this little getaway.

“You were right about Jayne,” his voice is low as he sits on the bed next to you. “She about the tunnels. Said she was a disciple of someone named Mysaria.”

The name is so familiar but you can’t put your finger on it.

“How did you find that out?”

“Do you really want to know that,” he grimaces. The last time you saw Jayne, Quinton had lied to her and said the Queen wanted to see her. You are sure she went to the dungeons, where all the people who are accused of treason go. Your heart feels heavy at the thought of her being tortured.

It was a hard pill swallow. Jayne had been with you since Daella was born. How long had she been watching you for?

“I need you to promise me something,” you whisper to him. “If anything were to happen, I need make sure the kids are you first priority. Their safety is of the upmost importance… even if it means leaving me behind.”

Quinton frown deeply. “I am your protector, I would n-“

“And as my protector, I am asking you do this for me. Think of everything you feel for me, and do this please.”

You squeeze his arm. After a moment of silence, he nods solemnly.

You know when you have reached Dragonstone because smell is like nothing you have encountered before. Putrid almost. You thought the Red Keep was as somber as a place could get; you were terribly wrong.

The bright look that crosses Rhaenyra’s face makes you jealous. You often envious of the way the Targaryens around you moved. Viserys, despite being the king, had little care for things that did not benefit him. Aemond saunters into rooms like he owns it, Aegon followed his own rules to a fault. Rhaenyra seems to revel in the privilege that came with her name. Even Helaena had came into her own, embracing the things people see as odd.

You felt like your good was not good enough, but you think of what your father would tell you when you were young.

The best people are often underestimated, use that to your advantage.

And use it you will.

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