#do not RELY entirely on your meds/ expect them to fix everything

[teas-art]

Literally that simple and people wont get it. Meds arent even a fix!!! Theyre just helpful in aiding a bit!!! Its not a fixed bridge its more like, someone put some wooden planks on top of the broken bridge!

“if you take medication for that, you’ll be taking medication all your life!!” yeah, and?? bud, i already put on my glasses every morning. it’s like. a condition of mine, not a side hobby i’m pursuing irresponsibly. 

[magpiemoon6]

Extraction point

Simon Riley x Y/N

Sad fluff !!!

Warnings: PTSD, depression, mental health issues

( I'm sorry if there is any writing mistakes I'll fix them tomorrow)

Reminder people, you are loved and deserve happiness always <3

A thousand tones feel like it’s on my chest, I cannot breathe. Like the world has chosen this exact moment to swallow me up in my pain and stress. My mind betrays me and falls in its own trap of self-doubt. I’m so far behind where I’m meant to be and the guilt of not living up to my own expectations for my inner child is eating me up. And in this moment every single mistake or failure seems to pile up in my head. I’m drowning even though I’m on land.

But he seems to be a light in my darkness, I need Simon, and before the guilt stops me, I reach for my phone under the pile of covers and duvets. Searching through the stuffy warmth till my hand claps the cold object. Pulling it to my chest, my eyes are swollen from crying and my nose is entirely blocked from my crying till my vision goes blurry.

I search for his name in my phone, I just want to hear his phone, the warmth of his voice is like a drug and the euphoria should shield me from my pit.

Si <3

“Hey, are you free a second? If not no worries x”

I feel so wrong for relying on him, but I promised Simon, that if it gets bad, we won’t shut each other out not again. That we can be each other’s extraction point.

Buzzing snaps me out of my brain unravelling in my hands. He’s calling and my heart drops because if he hears I’ve been crying he will come running and I can’t do that to him. Clearing my throat, I click to answer.

“Hello lovie” Simon says, and it feels like the flood gates are getting harder to hold shut, I just want him here and I’m so fucking selfish for that.

“Hey baby, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have texted you” I respond, I don’t want him to panic so I’m praying that my voice sounds calm, and my breathing is even enough he won’t realise.

“What happened? Tell me please y/n? I’m here” I can hear the anxiousness in his voice creep in, shit he knows and when he says that everything in me that was protecting him from my pain breaks from his kindness.

I’m crying again silent tears and my breathing stops trying helplessly to hold it in.

“I’m fine, I’m fine Simon, it’s stupid I’m sorry for disturbing you. I’m a big girl I just needed to hear your voice,” my voice is breaking as I say it, my grip on my phone is too tight. I need to let go. But I cant.

“Y/n?” the softness in his tone is so different from his voice yet hearing him say my name gives me more comfort than the dozens of duvets on top of me.

“Yes Simon?” I need to get control of my sadness, it kills me knowing he has to hear me like this.

“It’s going to be okay love” and that makes me sob harder, holding the phone away from myself so he is saved from my pain.

“Okay, thank you. Bye Si” and that’s all I can say because if I say anything else it will involve me pathetically asking him over and he deserves better than the mess I am in this moment.

So now I’m sat here in my cold dark room alone. Submerged in my pain. I’m so tired of this, I want to be better, to get better and no more need for meds and therapy and other people to hold me together. I feel pathetic as if I’m dragging on everyone’s life. I want to live without all my sadness.

I’m too sucked into my own depression to hear the door of my flat opening and shutting. Too distracted to recognize the footsteps moving towards my room.

Simon opens the door, and I don’t know how to cope with my emotions. My heart practically burst knowing he came over, giving me some hope that maybe I am worthy of his love. But then he has to see my darkness, the hypocrite I am knowing I’ve seen him where I am and gave him all my love I possibly could.

“Hey love,” he’s quiet even for him, moving through the room like he is terrified he may break something or me.

“You didn’t have too” the guilt stays heavy on my shoulders.

Knowing he is staring at me, someone who is normally so full of light now covered in darkness that fills the room and holds it down. He begins to move onto the bed gently, moving himself silently under the covers with me. My heart hurts. Loving him gives me air in my lungs, everything about him gives me hope and love. I could stare at him for a thousand years and still not get enough.

“Y/n, I love you, okay? I will be here if I’m dead or alive, a million miles away or next door.” Pulling me into his chest, the heat of his body makes the blankets feel cold.

I cant stop crying even if I wanted too, pushing my face into his chest and curling into him, I let him hold me and begin to pull away all the darkness that doesn’t seem to drown me as much now. I feel him large hand begin to gently stroke my hair, moving through it as he soothes soul with his love.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble into his chest, this makes his hand stop its rhythmic pattern of brushing through my hair. Tilting my head to his eyes.

He stares back and I fall in love all over again, those honey eyes are only filled with compassion and understanding. Before him my loneliness was my company, and everything was always so violent. But with him now I’m learning to live without violence and less loneliness.

“What’s our promise?” he asks me, still holding me tightly letting my pain wash away his love flooding me and bring me back to the now.

“That we will always be each other’s extraction point,” the quote we made up before we even started dating. The quote that we held onto before we knew our love wasn’t one sided.

“Exactly,” he says and goes back to stroking my hair and listening to my hiccupping breathing, never judging just existing with me.

“Thank you, I love you” and I mean it, the same way I know he does too. Our darkness still haunts us both, but we have learnt to comfort each other and hold out the light when we need it.

“I love you too”.

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Good morning.

Some scientists believe ADHD is caused by the brain processing dopamine inefficiently.

The brain requires chemical homeostasis and if you're processing less dopamine than you need, you are perpetually doing things to help stimulate dopamine production, whether that's impulsiveness, speaking out of turn, making jokes at inappropriate times, picking fights, fidgeting, zoning out, etc.

Worse, when you're asked to do something that's unpleasant and won't allow you to do something rewarding at the same time, like paying a bill or doing math homework, your brain riots because it NEEDS the dopamine and this is actively preventing you from getting what you need. Until you're down to the wire and adrenaline floods your brain, allowing you to Do The Thing on that momentum alone, you're stuck.

You don't get to choose to ignore your brain's need for chemical homeostasis; you have to treat it or work around it somehow.

Stimulant medications address the brain's immediate need for happy chemicals. This is why stimulants calm ADHD people down. Suddenly the brain is no longer screaming for dopamine, and you are actually enabled to do the things, including the boring or difficult things, that you've been wanting to do all along. This is also why caffeine puts a lot of ADHD people to sleep. The brain, finally having what it needs, is calm.

i get why people are scared of stimulant medications but like, when you have ADHD and you're properly dosed, it's not addictive. Because your brain chemistry is different. You're not getting a high, you're actually calming down, for once in your entire life.

It's not like ADHD meds don't come with side effects and downsides. If i could function without them, I'd prefer to, because the side effects are a bummer. I also don't like feeling like i rely on a crutch, especially when shortages, politics, misinformation and ableism make the future of access to them so uncertain; but i feel similarly about my glasses. Kinda wish i didn't need em. You know?

But even with all that said, meds have been a miracle for me. Over the last couple years, my self-confidence has grown. The feeling of fear and failure that's hung over me literally my entire life is lifting, because I'm finding i consistently have the capacity to meet people's expectations and do what's most important. I'm less anxious about unpleasant tasks, because i can be confident in my ability to do them before they pile up. I'm able to be present more often, at work and in the rest of my life. I can show up for my friends. I'm no longer constantly scared that others will Find Out that I'm Faking It, because yeah, I'm a hot mess, but i can get crap done when i need to now usually. I'm actually making significant progress towards goals I've had for years and never been able to start on. I'm discovering that with some strategy, i can have some consistent habits. I'm having more compassion with myself and cutting myself some slack when i do fall short.

Meds haven't fixed everything for me; progress has come slowly with a combination of meds, therapy, getting older, and settling down in life. And i still struggle a lot, with things like keeping my space clean and consistently doing tasks that i don't like or that cause me sensory issues etc. I still struggle with a LOT of shame around my ADHD, every day when i step over that pile of laundry or try to remember where i left my phone. But I'm not constantly scared I'm about to be fired anymore. I'm not ending the workday exhausted from anxiety and spinning my wheels after a long day of under-performing. I'm not so plagued by the feeling that I'm letting everyone down or that I'll never be able to achieve my goals. Compared to a few years ago, i am so happy, calm and confident--i wouldn't have recognized current me.

Meds are a miracle. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 44

Title: Aftermath

Warnings: angst, profanity, mention of a suicide attempt, talk of mental illness

Tagging:  @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip​

Or read on Ao3 if that’s more your jam:   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860450/chapters/77430731​

He spends the first ten minutes fighting off a panic attack. Chest impossibly tight and feeling as if it’s on fire; heart pounding and his hands trembling and a thin sheen of sweat coating his brow and gathering along his hairline. Head swimming and stomach lurching; the burn and the taste of bile as it gathers in the back of his throat. Legs threatening to give out from underneath him; forced to sit on the kitchen floor with his eyes closed as he leans back against the cupboards. Reminding himself to just breathe; drawing in deep, ragged breaths and releasing them slowly. Easily recalling one of many grounding exercises Doctor Klein had instilled in him years ago. A quick and surprisingly successful technique that he’s employed numerous times when he’s been alone; terrified he’d finally reached his breaking point and was in the process of losing his mind. And he can hear the man’s voice now; five things you can see, four things you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. Relief surging through him when it begins to work. The nausea abating and the room no longer spinning around him; heart rhythm slowing and the vice around his chest loosening.

The first time he’d an episode, he’d thought he was having a heart attack. Waking up from a dead sleep and finding himself filled with the most profound and overwhelming sense of terror and impending dread; the walls feeling as if they were closing around him and the pain and the tightness in his chest near crippling. He couldn’t even be sure if he’d been dreaming; if a nightmare filled with horrendous images of his wife and children being physically and sexually tortured had been what kickstarted things. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Horrific and brutal dreams involving his family tearing him out of many a night’s rest; sending him scrambling for the bathroom in order to vomit and then finding him sobbing uncontrollably in a fetal position on the floor. Taking several minutes for him to reach full consciousness; brain finally able to register his surroundings and identify them as familiar and convince him that he -and his family- were safe and sound. Suddenly aware of the touch of his wife’s hands and the sound of her voice. Finding her kneeling beside him and speaking to him in that soothing and patient way she’d long ago developed just for him; a palm moving in slow circles in the middle of his back as the fingers of her other hand repeatedly combed through his hair. Neither worry of fear clouding her eyes or furrowing her brow; displaying nothing but love and understanding and tenderness. She was no stranger to those kinds of moments; she’d seen many a fellow Marine wake up in the field in the midst of a panic attack or a night terror and had watched the methods deployed by field medics in how to properly handle them.

While he’d been comforted by the way she’d handled things before AND after, he’d also felt ashamed; sickened that she’d had to not only witness him at his most vulnerable, but be the one to render aid. Toxic masculinity, she’d said, when he’d admitted how pathetic it had made him feel; a woman half his size having to take care of HIM. Years having it drilled into him that any sign of weakness or display of emotion made him a lesser man; one that would never be respected or able to properly provide for his family, never mind protect them. She’d never laughed at the ridiculousness of it; never told him to simply get over that line of thinking or looked at him as if he WERE losing his mind. Instead listening quietly and intently; alternating between rubbing his shoulders or holding one of his hands in both of her own as he talked about all the ways his father had attempted to ‘teach’ him how a real man should be. Stern and strict. Controlling. Intimidating. Abusive. Admitting he was terrified of one day cracking and following in his own man’s footsteps; worried he’d begin treating her just as horrible as his mother had been so many years ago. And she’d leaned in to kiss him; cradling his face in her hands and using her thumbs to clear away the wayward tears that trickled down his cheeks. Pulling back and gracing him with that smile that’s always been reserved solely for him; so beautiful and pure and perfect and letting him know just how much he IS loved.

“You could NEVER be like him,” she’d assured him. “Ever. You have too good of a heart. Too big of one. And you love me way too much.”

It’s always been humbling; the blind faith she has in him, the adoration and respect she’s consistently shown. Over the years he’s battled with the belief that he doesn’t deserve any of it; this beautiful and incredible woman so full of light and brightness showing that kind of affection and love towards him. The one person solely responsible for everything that is good in his world; a stable home surrounded by the comfort and security that comes with the familiarity and routine of domestic bliss, seven incredible children that are the embodiment of everything that is amazing and beautiful about the two of them. She’d not only saved him that day on the Sultana Bridge, but in so many other ways as well; her patience and her unwavering loyalty and steadfast belief in him always helping him through every battle he’s faced

The one true constant in his life; the sleepy smile he wakes up to every morning and the warm body that presses against his and the tender touch and the soft kiss that he’s blessed with every night. His most steadfast supporter and cheerleader; spending weeks sleeping on fold out beds alongside of him in the hospital, always there in the recovery room when he comes to after a surgery, attending gruelling physiotherapy appointments and even lending a hand when she was heavily pregnant with Takota and Brooklyn. Never letting his misguided anger and frustration bring her down; always quick with a smile or a kiss to his cheek or a comforting and encouraging hand rubbing his back. No matter what, he’s always been able to rely on her being there. Enthusiastically greeting him the moment he walks through the door; whether he’s been gone a couple of days or a couple of weeks. Always happy to see him even if it’s through a FaceTime session; all the tension and the stress of the job evaporating the second she smiles and he hears her voice. Those little trips she’ll make into the gym or the office; bringing him something to drink or eat and then sitting quietly on the sidelines waiting for him to finish his workout or his job responsibilities. She’s always been there. Even during the darker and the more trying times; taking him back time and time again and forgiving the lies he’s told and overlooking the promises he’s broken.

When she leaves, he attempts to chase after her. Prepared to beg and plead with her to forget everything he’d said about wanting to die; just come back to the house where she’s safe and warm. He’ll do whatever it takes to make things right. To fix the mess that exists inside his head and become the man that she deserves; the rock and the fervent supporter and ferocious protector that she’s always believed him to be and he’s failed to live up to time and time again. He’ll tell her whatever she wants to hear; make promises that he fully intends to keep, attend more therapy if that’s what it will take, even do a stint in rehab to get all the carvings for the meds and the booze out of his system. There’s nothing he WON’T do for her; no monster or demon he won’t slay for her, no battle he won’t fight, no war he won’t suit up for. As long as she’ll just stay. Come back to their home and their children and their marriage; fulfill those vows of ‘til death to us part’. He wants to believe it isn’t about him; her need for breathing room and space. But he knows full well that he’s put too much of a burden on her; time and time again leaning on her and expecting her to give way more than she possibly has to give.

He has one foot out the door when the signs of life sounded from the floor above; giggling children and doors being tossed open and little feet racing for the bathrooms. And he has to abandon all plans on going after her; forcing himself to get his shit together for the sake of his children. There’s morning cuddles and kisses to give and mouths to feed. Tales of wild and vivid dreams to listen to and smart ass comments and jokes to laugh at. They rely on him more than she does; a grown woman that is fully capable of handling her own no matter what situation she finds herself tossed into. She’s strong and tenacious and extremely resilient; not needing him, but choosing to be with him and enjoying being provided for and loved and protected. His children fully depend on him; requiring him to put food in their bellies, having to assist the littles in getting clean up and dressed, being Tanner’s ‘person’ when it comes to needing stability and routine. And it frightens him in a way. The realization that she actually doesn’t require him; knowing full well that she’s more than capable of taking care of herself and their seven children. It further feeds into his belief that walking away would be easy for her; her strength and confidence urging to make a break for it. So self sufficient and so independent that one day she WILL decide that it’s all too much. HE’S too much. And his entire life will be forever altered.

TJ and Declan team up to keep the smallest kids busy; hunkering down with them in the living room and plying them with cartoons and their standard ‘appetizers’ of glasses of chocolate milk and poptarts. He tends to preparing breakfast; scrambling eggs and cutting and chopping various fresh fruits. Tanner stands on a chair beside him; excitedly rambling as he shares every detail about the extremely vivid and excited dream from the night before. Always the helper in the kitchen, he enthusiastically mixes three separate bowls of pancake mix because he always insists that ‘extras’ be added BEFORE starting the cooking process; bananas and chocolate chips for Brooklyn, raspberries and pineapple for Alannah and Millie. Tanner was the one he’d been most worried about; concerned that his mother’s uncharacteristic absence would frighten him and send his emotions into a tailspin. She hasn't just been Tyler’s constant, but the kids’ as well; practically raising them singlehandedly due to the job keeping away from home for weeks at a time. She’d spent six months being the only full time parent. Exhausting herself with caring not only for a home, but three preschoolers as well; Millie just shy of entering junior kindergarten and the boys still in daycare.

Mummy has always been there for ALL of the kids. Nurturing them and caring for them and spending the better part of seven years pregnant; selflessly sacrificing her body and some of her sanity in order to give him the large family he so desperately craved. Waiting until they were all old enough to be out of the house to make her dream of owning the bookstore come true; able to work around school and daycare schedules so she could spend as much as time as possible with them. And while it had been difficult at first for them to adjust to her being gone for prolonged periods of time, they’ve gotten used to it; accustomed with mum and dad going away -ALONE- for a week or two in order to give one another the attention and the time that they so rightfully deserve. They’re all strong in the belief and that faith that mummy will ALWAYS come back; never once fearing that if once she walks out the door, she’ll never walk back in. Mummy would NEVER abandon them.

It’s helped; keeping his body and his mind active. Concentrating on the simple task of making a meal and focusing on every word tumbling from Tanner’s mouth. Hearing the giggles and the conversations that drift into the kitchen from the living room. But the worry and the fear still nibble at him. It’s two fold; concerned not only that her time to think will lead her to the realization that she simply can’t deal with him and his issues any longer, and that there’s someone out there that would take advantage of her being alone. IF the neighbour is a threat, she isn’t working alone; too ‘out there’ with her curiosity surrounding him and his family to be the one in charge. It would be too obvious; her desperate attempts to get closer to him and cause issues in his marriage. Anyone with any background knowledge of him knows exactly what would hobble and weaken him; grabbing a hold of his wife and using her as a leverage. And as much as he tries not to allow his mind to go down that rabbit hole, it’s inevitable. The thoughts of what they’d do to her -mentally AND physically- enough to once again bring about the panic; chest tightening and his heart initially fluttering and then the pace quickening.

Five things you can see. Four you can touch. Three you can hear. Two you can smell. One you can taste.

He repeats it over and over again in his head. Thankful when his chest loosens and the nausea and the light headedness pass and his hands no longer tremble.

*****

Addie’s the last to join the family. Chin tucked into her chest and her hair falling over her face; a dramatic pout curving her lips and her normally brilliant and sparkling eyes dark and brimming with tears. Frederick the koala tucked tightly under her arm; not saying a word as she struggles to climb onto Tanner’s now empty chair. Impossibly tiny for five, but filled with confidence and independence and resiliency.

“What’s up with you?” Tyler inquires, and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “You look like someone kicked your puppy. Didn’t sleep well?”

“I slept fine.” That voice is tinier than usual, sad and full of despair. And she brushes her hair away from her face and presses the heel of a palm into one eye, then the other. “Where’s mummy?”

“She had to go out for a little bit.”

“Where? Where did she have to go?”

“To do stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Mummy stuff. Things mummies do.”

“Did she go to the store? Is that where she went?”

“I don’t know, Peanut. She just had to go out.”

She heaves a heavy, forlorn sigh. “When will she be back?”

“Soon.”

“How soon?”

He consults the digital clock on the stove. “Thirty minutes.”

“That’s a LONG time,” Addie whines. “ Why didn’t she tell me she was leaving?”

“You were asleep. She didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Mummy never leaves without saying bye to us. And she never leaves in the morning. She’s always here when we get up. Why would she go somewhere? She never does that. That’s not a normal mummy thing to do.”

“Well, sometimes things come up,” he attempts to reason. “That we can’t help. Don’t take it personal, okay? That she didn’t say bye to you. She probably thought you wouldn’t be up until later; when she was already home.”

“Can I call her?”

He nods in the direction of the phone charging on the nearby counter. “You could, but she didn’t take her phone.”

“Now I’m really worried,” Addie promptly bursts into tears. “Mummy never forgets her phone!”

“Ads, it’s okay,” TJ assures her as he joins them in the kitchen. Scooping his little sister off the chair and into a tight, comforting embrace, her tiny arms and legs immediately circling his neck and waist. And he presses a kiss to her forehead and strokes her hair; body proceeding to sway side to side in an attempt to soothe her. “Mum’s forgotten her phone lots of times. She was always leaving it behind when I was your age.”

Addie sniffles noisily. “She was?”

“Yup. You know how many times she had to run back into the house? Or we had to drive all the way back to get it? Tons! You just weren’t around then. By the time you came around, she’d gotten better at remembering it, that’s all.”

“She’s coming back, right?”

“Of course she’s coming back. She wouldn’t leave us. Or dad. Why would she do that?”

Addie shrugs.

“She loves all of us. Way too much to ever leave us behind. She probably just had to go and help Ovi and Riya. It gets crazy; planning a wedding. Tons of stuff to do. They probably just needed some help.”

“You think that’s it?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s it. I mean, they wouldn’t ask dad. He wouldn’t be much help.”

Tyler grabs one of the dish towels from off the handle of the stove and playfully swats his older son upside the back of the head with it. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Mum would be better at that kind of thing. Weddings and parties and all that. That’s not exactly your field of experience, dad. You’re more the get the spiders and the snakes out of the house and fix and build stuff kind of guy. And a big time ass kicker.”

“Daddy DOES kick a lot of ass,” Addie agrees.

“Plus, he’s a WAY better cook,” TJ adds. “So isn’t it kind of good that he’s the one that’s here? That he’s the one who gets to make breakfast?”

She nods. “Daddy makes the best breakfasts EVER.”

“Exactly. Mum and dad know their strengths. People who work well together do. And they’ve been together a long time; ever since Millie was in mum’s tummy. That’s a long time to be in love with each other. If dad says mum will be back, then she will. He knows her better than anyone.”

A lump of emotion settles in Tyler’s throat and threatens to choke him. It’s a mixture of things that have him feeling weak and vulnerable. The level of tenderness and compassion that inhabits his oldest son; the patience and the understanding and the unbridled love he shows to the smallest of his siblings. Addie has especially taken to him; TJ her ‘person’ if daddy isn’t around to turn to for help or comfort. He’s both humbled by his son’s genuine praise and blatant adoration, but left feeling unworthy of it; knowing full well he’s broken many promises and disappointed his children in the past and often failed in his role as not just a parent, but a husband. And the fear continues to nag at him; the worry that either his wife will return and announce she simply can’t take it -HIM- anymore, or that a threat is just waiting in the wings to grab her.

“I wish she didn’t have to go,” Addie says, as her older brother’s fingers brush away her tears. “Mummy always spends time in the morning with me. When I first get up. Ever since I was tiny.”

“Ads,” TJ pushes his fingers through her hair; moving it off her forehead and making her giggle when he scrunches his face and brushes the end of his against hers. “You’re STILL tiny.”

“I meant tiny, tiny. When I was still in diapers. Mummy would get up with me and she’d make herself a tea and she’d get me a drink in my sippy and then she’d cuddle me on the couch and we’d watch tv together. It’s our ‘thing’. I don’t want to miss our ‘thing’.”

“I’m sure mum didn’t want to miss your ‘thing’ either,” her brother assures her. “It had to be really important for her to miss it. Mum would never just skip out on your ‘thing’ for no reason. Does mum EVER do that? Take off and not do something important with us?”

Addie shakes her head. “Never.”

“So it had to be something really big and really important for her not to be here. Don’t worry; mum will be back. Soon.”

“How soon?”

“I dunno. Probably in time for breakfast. She has to eat, right? If it would make you feel any better, I’ll do your ‘thing’ with you.”

“It’s mummy and my thing, though.”

“I’m sure mum would be cool with me taking her place just once. It’s just for today; tomorrow she’ll do your ‘thing’ with you again. You really think she’d mind?”

“I don’t think so. But just this once.”

“Just this once,” TJ promises. “I’ll even drink tea. So it’s like being with mum.”

You HATE tea. Like daddy.”

“Yeah, I do. I think it tastes like ass. But I’ll drink it anyway. If it makes the experience better for you.”

“You’d do that? For me?”

“Of course I would. You’re my Ads. It’s what older brothers do for their baby sisters. Especially one as cute and awesome as you.”

Addie’s eyes widen. “You think I’m cute? And awesome?”

“Your mum’s Mini Me, right? And mum’s cute and awesome. That means you are too.”

“I love you Tyler.” She presses a noisy kiss to each of his cheeks, then his lips. “You’re the best big brother. Ever.”

“Well, don’t tell any of the others…” he lowers his voice to a whisper. “...but you’re my favourite little sibling.”

“I knew it!” Addie whispers in return.

“I’ll make my tea and get your chocolate milk,” he says, and places her on the ground. “You go wait in the living room. Tell Declan I said to put what YOU want to watch on.”

“Okay!” She hurries from the room, then stops at the breakfast bar that serves as the divider between kitchen and dining room. “Don’t forget! It goes in my favourite cup!”

“I know. The purple one with your name on it in pink glitter. This isn’t my first rodeo, Ads. I got you.”

“You’re awesome, too!” she declares, and then hurries for the living room.

“You’re good with her,” Tyler praises his oldest son. “VERY good with her.”

“She really IS my favourite,” he admits. “I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love ALL of them. Even Millie. Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Your secret is safe with me.”

“But there’s something different about Addie. The way I feel about her. Like, I feel like I HAVE to take care of her. Protect her. Maybe because she’s so small? And so cute? Maybe because she IS so much like mum? I don’t know. I just know how I feel. Does that make sense?”

“Total. And let’s face it; mum’s your favourite too.”

“Well, yeah. She’s my mum. She carried me inside of her. At the same time as Tanny. I love you, dad. You know I do. But that’s my mum.”

“You know, you’ve got more of her inside you than anyone realizes. And believe me, that’s a good thing. A damn good thing.”

“She’s my ‘person’. Like you are with Tanny. We all have our ‘person’. Mum is your person, right?”

“She is. Always has been.”

“Just like you’re hers. That’s what's good about you and mum. You’re not just married. You actually LIKE each other. You’re friends. BEST friends.”

“She’s definitely my favourite human. My favourite BIG human.”

“Dad…” TJ’s voice and face become sombre, and he lays a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happened or what’s really going on. Or why mum really did leave. But I know she loves you. No matter what.”

The lump in his throat returns; tears well in his eyes.

“She’d never take off,” his son assures him. “There’s too much between you guys. I’m only ten and even I know that. And you what ELSE I know? I know that you guys are stronger together than you are apart.”

“Yeah…” Tyler swallows noisily. “...we are.”

“It’s going to be okay,” TJ promises. “YOU’LL be okay. You always are.”

****

She finds a cafe four blocks from home. A tiny hole in the wall place that she’s only stepped foot in once before; heavily scuffed and creaky hardwood floors, a half dozen mismatched tables with formica tops and metal chairs with weathered, red vinyl cushions, their full menu printed on chalkboards mounted on the wall behind the lone register. And she returns the waitress’ welcoming smile with a forced one of her own before making her way to the counter that stretches across the front window; sliding onto one of the bar stools and placing her knapsack style purse in her lap. While she’d been hopeful that the fresh air and warmer temperatures would help both clear her head and improve her mood, her nerves remain on edge; her shoulders painfully tense and the lingering uneasiness in her stomach no match for the deep and profound ache that has settled in her chest. It’s a hard thing to hear; the person you love more than anything in the world...who you’ve devoted your entire existence too...confess to thoughts of suicide. They’ve been there before; his brain attempting to convince him that her life would be better off without him in it. That he’d no longer be a burden on her. A broken and troubled man locked in a constant battle with his own mind; waging war against not only mental illness, but the demons of addiction and alcoholism.

Years ago he’d hit rock bottom. Weeks spent contemplating taking his own life; ending with a hand written suicide note on her pillow and a loaded gun in his hand. She’d returned to the house unexpectedly; forgetting her wallet in the bedroom and having to delay the start of a shoe shopping trip with the kids in order to retrieve it. There’d only been four of them then; Millie and the twin boys in daycare and Declan just shy of six months old, and she’d left them in the car with Ovi while she’d run inside. The house had been eerily still and quiet, yet she hadn’t given it much thought; assuming Tyler was either in the gym with his headphones on and music cranked or out working somewhere on the property. Her blood had run cold when she’d heard it; the faint, yet telltale sound of a magazine being snapped into a handgun and the safety being switched off. And she’d found him sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, revolver resting on his thigh and his finger hovering near the trigger. To this day she’d never seen him look the way he had in the moment he’d regarded her standing in the doorway; face stern and determined and his eyes impossibly dark and empty.

“You need to leave.”

Four simple words. His voice devoid of all emotion.

She had refused to turn around and walk away. It hadn’t even been an option; no matter how nervous or terrified she’d been. She had known that he wouldn’t pull the trigger with her in the room; even at that depth of darkness and despair, he wouldn’t want her to see THAT. Knowing it would haunt her for the rest of her life; her entire world altered and forever haunted by blood and gore and instant death. And he wouldn’t have taken them both out; brain still allowing him to realize that he couldn’t rob his children of BOTH their parents. Instead of leaving, she’d sent Ovi a text message saying to grab the extra keys to her car from their hidden place in the kitchen and take the kids into town; ordering him to keep them out until she called him and let him know it was okay to return. Then she’d simply closed and locked the bathroom door and sat down on the front and leaned back against it. She wasn’t leaving him like that; determined not to let his mind convince him that he needed a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Even to this day, she’s unsure of how long they’d sat there. Time slowly ticking away as they did nothing more than stare at one another from across the room. Tyler becoming agitated by her presence; upset that she’d interrupted him and was hampering from ‘getting on with it’. It had quickly turned to anger. Pissed off that she wouldn’t leave and that she wouldn’t listen to him when he said it was for the best; that his absence would make her and the kids’ lives so much easier. And she’d sat there silently as he ranted and raved at her; emotionless as he called her every hurtful name in the book in hopes of finally breaking her and giving her no choice but to abandon him. She hadn’t taken any of it to heart; knowing he was in the middle of what could possibly be a psychotic break and that getting all the pent up rage and fear and stress off his shoulders was the best thing for him. And when he turned the mean and degrading words towards himself, she’d slowly began moving towards him. Anything too sudden and too quick could have been bad news; aggravating him and angering him and sending him into a full out rage. Eventually she’d ended up sitting at his feet with her palms on his knees; eyes locked on his and her voice calm and steady when she informed him that she wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t the monster his brain was making him out to be. He was a big man with an even bigger heart, surrounded by people who loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to be alive and well. Reminding him to just breathe; to ignore that voice in his head and just listen to hers instead.

When he’d finally broken down emotionally, she’d been able to gingerly pluck the gun from his hand and remove the clip; tossing both where he couldn’t reach them and then kneeling between his splayed thighs. His face cradled in her palms as he openly wept; her heart breaking as she listened to all the hateful words -directed at himself- that spilled from his mouth. Pressing a series of light kisses across his forehead and down the bridge of his nose and over his lips; fingers combing through his hair as he begged and pleaded with her to help him. He was lost, confused, and terrified; wanting to die yet not wanting to leave her and his kids. In the end, he’d agreed to let her take him to the hospital, and she’d made quite possibly the hardest decision of her life: admitting him to the psychiatric ward and agreeing to have no contact -whether in person or by phone- for two weeks. It would give him the time to rest; body AND brain desperately needing a reprieve. And doctors would get the chance to analyze and investigate; come up with a diagnosis and a game plan and get him the help that he needed.

She hasn’t thought of it in years. That moment in Colorado when she’d come so close to losing him. It hasn’t been that bad since; able to get past the monsters and the demons that continue to haunt him, fighting through depressive episodes and always coming out the other side. And while she’d suspected that his brain has been playing horrible tricks on him and trying desperately to alter his version of himself, it had still hurt like hell to hear it; his confession knocking the air out of her lungs and nearly ripping her heart from her chest. She’s always been able to help him; yanking him away from many an edge, instilling confidence in him after Nathan had cruelly snatched it away, successfully convincing him that he needed medication or therapy. Now she feels helpless; no tricks or plans up her sleeve and simply no energy left to come up with any. It’s a lonely existence at time. A spouse with significant mental health problems and lingering physical issues caused by a list of traumas too vast to name.

For five years they’ve successfully fought back and kept the worst at bay. Learning and adapting healthy coping mechanisms, attending counselling -both separately and together- and making friendships with others in similar situations. This is the worst she’s seen him in a long time, and she knows how difficult it is for him to even get out of bed in the morning; fully aware that he’s at the point of putting one foot in front of the other simply because his family needs him to. She wants to believe that things will start to improve once they’re home. He’ll be back in his ‘happy place’; the warmth of the sun and the feel of the sand between his toes and the smell of the ocean. It’s comforting to him; their home at the end of a very secluded gravel road, the acres of property, and the water right in their backyard. The surroundings ground him. The sound of both the waves and the various wildlife that wanders their property, the wind that blows through the dense forest and tousles the leaves on the trees. He’s easily soothed there; usually needing nothing more than a hike through the woods or a surfboard and a couple hours with the waves to bring an end to even the roughest of ‘down moments’. But the fear is immense. The worry that not even being back in Australia will be enough this time. That he’s spiralling too hard and too fast and not even the water and the sun can make even the slightest bit of difference.

Tears threaten once more. Ones of heartache and fear and desperation. Wanting to reach out to someone...anyone...yet needing space at the same time. She’d avoid her familiar haunts out of fear of running into someone she knows. Wanting to avoid Jacobi with his endless and hopeful flirting and Frank with his dry humour and his well meaning concern and curiosity. Even Desi; the brother she would have loved to have growing up and who she absolutely adores. So compassionate and understanding; always lending a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. Coming in contact with him would have only made things worse; fearing she’d not only lose it emotionally, but find herself unable to put the pieces back together and be of use to her family. Instead she’d stayed away; wandering in the opposite and unfamiliar direction and hoping and praying her mind would sort itself out before coming in contact with humanity.

It hadn’t worked. And now emotion threatens to choke her and tears prick her eyes; thankful for the oversized shades she’d slipped onto her face before leaving the house.

*****

“You okay, hun?” The waitress cautiously approaches; a glass of ice water in hand and concern on her face. Easily recognizing the tense shoulders and the repetitive, nervous bounce to her legs.

“I’m alright." Her voice quivers with emotion, and she noisily clears her throat. “Just a rough morning.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. A lot of people come in here when they’re feeling down. We're nice quiet, little place to escape to, I guess.”

Nodding in agreement, she reaches for the water offered to her; chewing anxiously on her bottom lip and quickly pulling her hands back when she notices how bad they’re trembling.

The waitress gives a compassionate, understanding smile and sets the drink down on the counter in front of her. “Do you know what you want, love? There’s no hurry and I’m by no means rushing you. You can take as long you need to decide or sit here all day if you want. Or until we close at three, at least.”

She casts a glance over her shoulder; hurriedly choosing a strawberry and apple flavoured and a plain croissant and then turning her attention to the bag in her lap. The kids had given it to her for her last birthday; picking it out themselves on a family trip they’d made weeks earlier to Cairns. Black leather with rose gold stitching around every edge and throughout the straps; a large rose gold heart -engraved with all of their initials- dangling from the zipper on the side pocket. She rummages through it, top teeth pressing into her bottom lip and her brow furrowing as her search comes up empty. Cell phone nowhere to be found amidst the chaos of old receipts, handfuls of take out napkins from places in New York City and back home, various small toys and trinkets the three littlest had gotten her to ‘hang onto’ and promptly forgotten about. Panic and frustration quickly sets in and has her dumping all of the purse’s contents onto the counter in front of her; trying desperately to hold back not only a flood of tears, but the string of profanities that threaten to burst from her mouth.

She knows the kind of drama it will cause at home. Not just her uncharacteristic early morning absence, but being totally ‘incommunicado’. Tanner and Addie will take it the hardest; the former not appreciative of even the smallest of changes or hitches to his normal routine and the latter used to their long standing ‘morning dates’ of tea and chocolate milk while cuddling on the couch and watching cartoons. And Tyler’s anxiety will be through the roof. Needing the reassurance that she’s fine; safe and sound and not in any danger and not harbouring any plans to abandon her family. The latter is pure paranoia; the long standing belief that she’ll one day see him as a burden and finally decide to cut ties. Logically he knows that she’d never walk away from him or their children; devoted to to their babies and loving him more than she ever thought she could love someone. But when his brain is waging war against him, he isn’t able to think rationally. Those internal voices screaming at him. Insisting that he’s simply too much work and completely undeserving of how she feels about him and the life they have together. And it’s him that she worries about the most; wanting to prevent his mental state from sinking even further and fracturing completely.

“Looks like you really are having a hell of a day,” the waitress comments as she returns with Esme’s order; placing the steaming mug of tea and the croissant on the countertop.

“I forgot my phone,” she frets. “Some days I swear I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached. And I need to call home. I REALLY need to call home.”

“I’ve got you, sweets.” The younger woman shoots her a wink and pats her shoulder comfortingly and then wanders off, quickly returning with a cordless phone and offering it with a sympathetic smile. “Someone there must be worried about you, huh?”

“A handful of someones. A husband. Seven kids.”

The other woman releases a long, low whistle. “YOU have seven kids? You’re not yanking my chain?”

“I’m not. I really do have seven of them.”

“All yours?”

Esme nods.

“Seven kids came from that tiny little body?”

“Yup,” she confirms. “Including two sets of twins.”

“Get out of here!”

“My second pregnancy was twins and my last one was twins. First time was two boys, then I had a girl and a boy.”

“I didn’t think that was possible. Having more than one set. How old are all these kids?”

“Almost twelve, ten and a half, eight, soon to be six, and four and a bit.” She finds talking about them calming; hands no longer trembling as she shoves objects back into her purse.

“That’s seven kids under twelve. And seeing as your littlest are four, you spent the better part of seven years pregnant. Intentionally?”

“A couple WERE surprises,” Esme admits. “Happy surprises. Very happy.”

“And all the same daddy?”

“All the same daddy. I know; it seems pretty far out there. Having that many. Especially in this day and age.”

“Not just THAT. But having that many and looking like you do? You must have found some fountain of youth or somethin’. I only have three and I feel like I’ve been through the damn ringer most days. You’re a lot stronger than I am, that’s for sure. And you must have the patience of a saint.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t. I have an extraordinary LACK of patience. My husband on the other hand? He’s a legend. He’s always Mister Calm, Cool, and Collected. Nothing much fazes him when it comes to being a dad.”

“Well what’s that saying? Opposites attract? You probably balance each other out.”

“We do. Somehow. He can be so serious and so quiet and introverted and I’m on the other end of the spectrum. He always jokes that he likes going places with me because all he has to do is stand there and smile and let me do all the talking.”

“Been married long?”

“Twelve years in October. Best twelve years of my life. Hands down. He’s a good guy." She smiles, and proceeds to repeatedly dunk the tea bag in and out of the steaming water. “A REALLY good guy.”

“Then you better give that really good guy of yours a call. Let him know you’re alright. Take your time. And enjoy your goodies.”

She gives a smile in appreciation. Waiting for the waitress to tend to other customers before dialling the house number; ten rings passing by before the call is sent to voicemail and she disconnects. She tries his cell next; frowning when that attempt also gets sent to messaging.

“Hey…” she begins, nervously drumming the nails on her free hand against the porcelain of her mug. “...you not answering your phone can only mean one of three things; you’re busy with the kids, you still refuse to answer numbers you don’t recognize, or you’re really pissed off and ignoring me. I hope it’s not the latter. I didn’t leave to punish you. Or make you feel bad. Or guilty. I just needed some time. Some fresh air. A chance to clear my head. It just really got to me; you admitting what you did. But we’ll deal with it and we’ll get past it just like we’ve gotten past so many other things. I love you, Tyler. No matter what your brain is telling you right now. And I’m safe and I’ll be home soon.”

Disconnecting the call, she sets the phone down on the countertop and slips her hands under her sunglasses; thumb and forefinger tightly pinching the bridge of her nose. Sighing heavily, she presses the heels of her palms into her eyes. Desperate to control the hot, bitter tears that threaten to fall.

*****

She’s halfway through her second mug of tea when movement outside the window catches her attention; a blur of a fur trimmed hood on a winter coat, long blonde hair that shimmers in the sunlight, and the glint off the gold chain strap of a ridiculously expensive Gucci bag. Next year’s style; released to only a select few that could afford to pay the exuberant price and enjoyed outwardly gaudy accessories. Natalie had been so proud of that purse; making a conscious and annoying effort to draw as much attention to it as possible when she stopped by that morning. Launching into an unneeded and entirely unwanted explanation of being on the ‘short list’ at many high end boutiques courtesy of friends in high places. So obnoxious. That 'holier than thou' persona and her valiant -and completely unsuccessful- attempts to cause problems in someone else’s relationship. Delusional and determined and so very out of line.

The waitress greets the other woman by name when she first steps into the cafe, and when Natalie turns to head towards a seat the inevitable happens; eyes locking with Esme’s and her face blanching and her smile quickly disappearing.

The anger is immediate. The surprise visits and the other woman’s attempts to degrade and humiliate her while standing on her front porch, the spying out the living room window and then following her and Tyler on their date, the supposedly coincidental moments Natalie had managed to bump into him; whether alone or with the kids. They’d long ago stopped keeping secrets from another and he’d been quick to tell her about all the run ins with their new neighbour. Neither believed the incidents were random; Natalie not exactly hiding her interest in him, nor her attempts at causing problems between them. And now knowing personal information that neither of them are ever forthcoming about; placing the blame on an undeserving TJ when confronted.

It’s the latter that infuriates her the most. One of her children being dragged into some thirsty and pathetic woman’s drama. And when Natalie quickly turns on her heel and rushes out the door, Esme abandons her belongings and hurries after her, managing to catch up when the neighbour has to stop and wait to cross the street.

“I don’t fucking think so,” she snarls, and steps in front of other woman, preventing her from stepping off the curb. “You’re not going to run away. Not from me. You have pissed in the wrong woman’s front yard way too many times.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t…”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. Is this some sick little game of yours? Following Tyler and I around? Trying to act all surprised and pass it off as a coincidence when we run into you?”

“It IS a coincidence. All of it is. Just because you’re paranoid…”

“I’m not some stupid and naive little housewife, Natalie. I have been around sneakier and way craftier and sketchier people than you and believe me, I was never shy about calling any of them out on their bullshit. There’s no way they’re all coincidences. The night Tyler and I went on our date? We saw you watching us out your living room window. You didn’t exactly try and hide it. And then you just randomly show up at the same restaurant? Who was the guy? Just some stranger off the street? Did you really think we’d care? That you’re with someone? I don’t give a shit who or what you do. And I know damn well Tyler doesn’t either.”

“He’s certainly been pretty attentive. To me. For a guy that doesn’t care.”

Esme scoffs. “When he said you were delusional, I don’t think he realized just how far off the reservation you actually are.”

“He said that? He called me delusional? Why would he say that? Why…?”

“Because you ARE! You are off the charts delusional! And maybe you’re more than that. Maybe you’re legit insane. Because you are something else. You are conceited and annoying and plain fucking crazy. Who the hell do you think you are? Showing up at my house and talking to me like you do. Following my husband around. Do you actually wait for him to leave? Do you stand at your window and watch him go? Do you just wait around to see him and jump at the opportunity to chase after him? Because that’s not all creepy or stalkerish. What the hell is your issue?”

“We had a connection. At the park. At the restaurant that day. Yesterday at the American Girl store…”

“Oh my god,” Esme laughs. ”You ARE nuts. Certifiably. There was no connection. At least not on his end. He thinks you’re just as insane and unhinged as I do. Tyler is NOT interested in you. In anyone. I don’t know what planet you’re living on where you think you can just walk into someone else’s life and try and steal their husband away, but…”

“You can’t steal what wants to be taken.”

“I can guarantee that he doesn’t want to go anywhere. That my husband is happy. Satisfied. Extremely. And he’s not going to throw that or his relationship with his children away for someone like you. He doesn’t want anything to do with you. He has made that perfectly clear time and time again. He has told you to stay away from him. More than once. I don’t know what part of ‘fuck off’ you don’t understand…”

“He’s just putting on a good front. For you. Because he DOES love you. He’s just not IN LOVE with you. Not anymore. And it happens. It’s been over ten years. People fall out of love all the time. I mean, he obviously loves you as the mother of his children. You’ll always have that to bond you together.”

“There is something majorly wrong with you. You need help. PROFESSIONAL help. My husband DOES love me. In every way you can possibly love a person. I have never doubted that. Not a single moment in the past twelve and a half years. We have a good thing. A damn good thing. And we are not letting you screw that up. You’re obnoxious and you’re insane and I want you to stay away from him. Stay away from Tyler. He’s told you and now I’ve told you. And if I have to tell you again…”

Natalie smirks. “What would YOU do about it?”

“Why don’t you try me and find out? I have dealt with bigger and better and badder than you. And I’m still here. I am telling you right now; stay away from my husband and stay away from my kids. Don’t walk past our house. Go totally out of your way if you have to. But if I find out that you even go past a place where he is…”

“And you call me nuts? Listen to you. Willing to fight for some man.”

“He’s not just some man. He is my husband. The father of my children. And I will fight to the death for him. I will protect him no matter what. Against anything and anyone. Stay away from him, Natalie. He’s not yours to have. He’s not going anywhere. So go and find some cuckold house wife that will let you tie her to chair and force her to watch while you fuck her husband. You’ve got the wrong woman to mess with. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of ANYONE. Stay away from him.”

“Look at you. You say I’m pathetic? Look how you’re acting. Listen to things you’re saying. You’re possessive and controlling and…”

“Maybe if you had a husband that loved you and you loved in return, you’d understand why I’m being this way. But it sounds like you can’t keep ‘em. What happened to the District Attorney? In Chicago?”

Natalie blinks. “What?”

“Did you forget that the internet exists? That once something is on there, it lives forever? Couldn’t keep him happy, couldn’t keep a string of extremely wealthy -AND very much older- men happy before him. And then there’s the ex husband. Doesn’t he own a sports team? Hockey, right? In Columbus?”

“How do…?”

“What? You think you’re the only one that has ‘people?’” Esme makes air quotes around the last word. “You have no idea the circles I’ve travelled in. Or the people I’m still in contact with. Or the friends I have. I have ways of finding things out. Ways you’ve probably never dreamed of. I don’t know what you’re up to, but you’re not very good at it. You’ve made it more than obvious that you’re interested in Tyler; physically, sexually, personally. You haven’t even tried to hide it. So you’re either really new at all this, or just really, REALLY bad at it.”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re not making any sense. Now if you’ll just…” Natalie attempts to step past her, but Esme stays firm; placing herself in the much taller women’s path and blocking her escape.

“You didn’t think I’d look into you? Or have someone look into you? We can dig deeper, you know. Much, much, MUCH deeper. And I don’t think you want that. So how about you cut the shit and stop your crap and stay away from my husband. From my FAMILY. Because you have no idea who you are messing with. What kind of damage we can do. So if you value your life the way it is, you’d keep your distance. Because if you don’t? We will turn over every stone and ruin you.”

“Is that a threat?”

“That’s a promise. Like I said; we’ve dealt with bigger and better. Scarier. And dangerous. You’re nothing. You’re a small, harmless fish in a big pond. And it would be easy to ruin you. Is that really a chance you want to take?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Or who you’re talking about. I admit; I AM interested in Tyler. Very interested. And I’m not lying to you when I say there was a connection. One that he’s too afraid to act on.”

“You’re still on that, huh? Still insisting there's something there? There isn’t. And you damn well know it. Tyler would never, EVER, form a connection with anyone else. Especially with the likes of you. So knock it off, Natalie. It is all one sided and I’m sorry that hurts you to hear this, but my husband can’t stand you. He thinks you’re nuts. And he wants you to stay away from him. How many times does he need to tell you? How much plainer does he need to be?”

“He doesn’t want to hurt you. I’m sure at one time he loved you with everything he is and everything he has but…”

“He DOES love me. With everything he is and everything he has. And he loves his life with me. With his children. There is nothing between the two of you. There never will be. So unless you want things to get very unpleasant for you, you’ll back off.”

“Is that why he came onto me? At the American Girl store yesterday? Is that why he propositioned me? Suggested we abandon the kids for a bit and find a storage closet?”

Esme chuckles. “Right. Because THAT would totally happen. First of all, my husband is NOT a cheater. He is -and always has been- one hundred percent faithful and loyal. No other woman in the world exists to him. Not you, not anyone else. Just me. That’s it.”

“Is that what he tells you? Stroke the old ego? Let you think everything is okay and he’s not straying?”

“That IS what he tells me. I know Tyler better than he knows himself. And when he says things like that? He is one hundred percent genuine. I have spent twelve and a half years with that man. Sharing a bed with him. A life. I know him in ways no one else does. So don’t even try and pretend you have any clue who he is or what he thinks or how he feels.”

“And you call me the delusional one? That’s rich.”

“Second of all, even if he WAS a cheater, he would never do something like that; suggest something that crude and disgusting. Not with two of his children and his granddaughter right there. I don’t know what kind of married men you’re used to opening your legs for, but my husband isn’t like them. He is a decent, good man. Who loves his family. Who’d do anything to protect them. Who would stop at nothing to keep us all together. So you can try this bullshit until you’re blue in the face. You could talk all day about it; tell lies about him and try and convince me that he’s a horrible person and that he wants to leave me for you. I won’t believe you. Because I KNOW him. And I also know you’re a lying piece of shit.”

“Well you just know everything, don’t you,” Natalie sneers. “Little Miss Perfect. With her great marriage and her horde of children and all her money and big, beautiful house and amazing life in Australia. You’ve just got all the answers.”

“I am far from perfect. I’m the first one to admit I’m anything but. But I recognize a train wreck when I see it. And you are the biggest I’ve seen by far. Stay away from my husband and stay away from my kids. If you ever even think about dragging one of my children into your crap again, I will come to your house and pull you out by your hair and beat your ass in the middle of the street.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Mess with my husband or my kids again, and I won’t try. I will do it. Don’t underestimate me. Tougher people than you have made that mistake. Walk away, Natalie. If you know what’s good for you. I won’t tell you again.”

“You have no idea who you’re threatening, little girl. No idea at all.”

“God, you’re a real piece of work, you know that? And I’ve worked with some real winners, let me tell you. Just stay away. From Tyler, from my kids, from me. Or the next time you’re told? It won’t be this civil.”

Gathering the sides of her hoodie around her body, she crosses her arms over her chest to hold the fabric in place; eyes on the sidewalk as she begins the short trek back to the cafe. Exhaustion suddenly taking hold; a level of weariness that muddles your brain and seems to settle deep within your bones. She wants nothing more than to go home; kiss and cuddle her children and hear their voices and their giggles. And to be engulfed by those big, strong arms; so powerful and capable of so much damage, yet impossibly soothing and gentle at the same time. Her own arms curling around his waist; eyes closing as he tucks her protectively and lovingly into that solid, muscular chest. No matter how trying and stressful and scary a situation, everything in the world seems right when she’s with him; the warmth of his body and the familiar smell that clings to his clothing and the sound and the feel of his heart beating against her. It’s as if time stands still; everything and everyone else in the universe ceasing to exist. It’s always been like that; feeling safe and secure and protected whenever she’s in his presence. And she reminds herself that they’ve gotten through worse; the demons of his past, his ongoing battles with alcoholism and drug abuse, a six month separation, the aftermath of both trips to Dhaka. And each time they’ve only grown stronger; that intense and profound bond pulling them through even the darkest and scariest of situations. This too shall pass. It will take days. Weeks. Maybe even months. But It WILL pass. And as long as they remain a united front, nothing -or no one- could possibly destroy them.

She reaches for the handle on the cafe’s door just as another customer emerges. Slightly startled when the glass and metal swings towards her; giving a small yelp and jumping back and flattening herself against the brick behind her.

“Sorry about that, miss.” The patron steps through; placing a hand on the door and keeping it open for her. “Didn’t mind to startle you.”

“It’s okay. I was in my own little world and…”

Her voice trails off when she looks up at him, smile quickly fading. Heart hammering wildly in her chest; entire body going rigid and sweat gathering along her hairline as her stomach churns agonizingly. It’s been years since she's seen him; tall and barrel chested and broad shouldered light brown hair now almost completely gray, sparkling hazel eyes. Logically she knows it can’t really BE him. After all, Nathan had ended his life years ago in New Zealand; effectively wiping out any threat he could have posed, yet doing very little for the torment and the heartache that he’d caused her. The years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that very nearly broke her.

It isn’t possible. The dead simply don’t come back.

“Are you alright?” He asks, and lifts a take out cup of coffee to his lips. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’m just...I’m…” she struggles to gather her composure. There’s a distinct twang to the man’s voice. Brooklyn, if she can recall from her time spent in New York City. Her mind swims; the shock of seeing a deceased man's face and the lingering terror that his hands, words, and body had long instilled in her. “I’m fine,” she manages a smile. “You just look like someone I used to know. That I was pretty close to. Took my breath away.”

“Good memories, I hope.”

“There’s some,” Esme admits. “But I’d be lying if I said there weren't more bad ones.”

“Well I hate hearing that. Especially coming from a pretty little thing like you. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay. I was in my own little world. It's just been quite the morning. To say the least. And seeing you…”

“What’s that that people say? About everyone having a twin out there somewhere? That’s probably the case. I’m probably that guy’s twin. Sorry if my face brings back some bad things for you.”

“It’s alright. I think I need to just get home. Back to my family. I’ll feel better then.”

“I hope so. You take care now. Sorry to have spooked you. You have a good day. With that family of yours.”

“I will,” she manages another smile; not as nervous and shaky. “Thank you.”

She remains in the open doorway, watching as he saunters down the street. No sign of a hitch to his left leg or a swing to the right hip; injuries Mark had sustained when a tank in a convoy he’d been travelling in hit a roadside bomb; the blast powerful enough to eject him from the light armoured vehicle travelling meters behind. Between the normal gait and the Brooklyn accent…

“Get it together.” she orders a loud, and briefly closes her eyes. “He’s dead. Long dead. There’s no way it’s him. It CAN’T be him.”

Taking in a deep breath, she releases it slowly and opens her eyes, frantically searching for the man that had stood before her just a few short moments ago. The sidewalk is empty for blocks. No sign of her dead ex’s ‘twin’; no one rounding a corner, no car pulling away from any of the curbs. Her heart begins to settle; the pounding in her chest and her ears relenting and the terror that once held her firmly in its grasp finally letting go.

[winterreader-nowwriter]

My First Fanfic

Thank you for reading this! ObviousIy from the title this is my first fanfic! I hope you like it. I want to thank @doctornineandthreequarters and @slowly-writing for inspiring me to post this. Here goes nothing:

Details: Girl, 16, black hair, brown eyes, tan, tall

Smart, athletic

Superpower: Strength

Suit: Spandex suit iron man looking expect royal blue and black

No, Natasha and Tony aren’t a couple, but the reader thinks of them as/they are her parents.

The battle was heavier than I expected. The rest of the Avengers were all slowly heading either to the Medbay or their rooms in the Tower. I was about to head up to my room, “Aren’t you going to get yourself checked out?” 

I turn around and see Bucky, “No, I’m fine and the others need it more.”

Tony walks by probably heading down to his lab, “What are we arguing about?”

Bucky shrugs, “I told her to get checked out, but she said she’s fine”

I open my mouth, “I’m--”

“ going to let the doctors examine me” Tony continued, “because that is the only answer I am going to hear. You’re still a kid and kids get to go to the doctor and get a lollipop.”

“Fine, but I’m not a kid, I’m sixteen” I grumble, heading down to the Medbay, Tony following me. I start to take the top of my suit off, but halfway I pause and hiss. My eyes start to unfocus and I blink them back into focus. Bruce walks in, “Ok, we’re ready for you guys. Who am I taking?”

Tony speaks up, “Kid, just agreed to get checked out so she can go first.”

Bruce nods and I follow him back to a table. “Can you finish taking your suit off and we’ll get the exam started and you’ll be out of here soon.”

I continue to pull the suit off, but I start swaying, so I look down at my black tank top and it’s covered in blood. Bruce steps forward and puts a hand on my elbow to move me to the table. I blink heavily a few times and I’m sitting on the table. “Is it okay if I help you get the suit off? Bruce asks.

I nod. After peeling it off he says, “I’m going to need you to take that tank top off. You’re still bleeding.”

I pull the tank top off quickly trying to get it over with and gasp, hunched over with pain. Bruce frowns, “You took some serious hits.” 

After using the body scanner he continues, “You have multiple broken ribs besides a small stab wound and heavy bruising” 

Pulling out a flashlight, he shines it into my eyes. Frowning he pulls an IV cart over, sticks an IV into my left arm and says, “The stitches are going to hurt, but try to hold still. You’ll feel better once the pain meds hit your system.” After he’s done with the stitches he says, “I’m going to call Nat over. She can help you change” 

I nod, “Thanks”

Mom comes in a few minutes later and frowns saying, “Buck told me you didn’t want to get checked out, so I knew you were hiding something. Then Bruce tells me you broke some ribs and got stabbed.” She sighs, “Being part of a team means you rely on the team. I know it’s hard, I know it takes a lot of trust, but being part of a team means you don’t have to do everything by yourself. I’m a spy, I know when you’re hiding something. So you’re going to ask us for help if you’re hurt. The sooner you fix it, the sooner it goes away.”

I nod and she helps me change and helps me to my room. Closing my door softly, she whispers goodnight and I fall asleep soon after.

I wake up to see it’s already afternoon. Sitting up slowly, my ribs still hurt, but it’s easier to breathe. Looking at the clock, it’s 2:15 P.M. Seeing as it’s not a school day, I decide to go patrolling early. Mom washed my suit considering it’s not covered in alien blood. Slipping out of my bedroom window, I crawl down the Tower and continue out into the city.

Stumbling, I fall against the brick wall. Apparently going out tonight was not the best idea. I press a button twice on my neck and S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y, my AI, calls my parents for help. Pushing off the wall, my knees buckle and I trip but manage to stay upright. I have to get back to the Tower. Everything starts spinning. I blink heavily and notice I’m on the ground. As soon as I realize that, my body gives into the black.

My arm is pinched and I rub at it, but a strong hand pushes mine away. Where am I? I immediately try to push myself up but get gently pushed back down. The movement hurts my entire body. I open my eyes and see Steve. I open my mouth, but my mouth is so dry I can’t talk. He holds water in a straw and helps me sit up and drink it. “Better?” I nodded, wincing as my head starts pounding. “You gave us quite the scare. You should have known better than to go back out there. I have a lecture planned, but I’ll continue when you’re feeling better or better yet wait until your mom and dad finish theirs.”

At this moment Dad stalks in, glaring at me, “You should have known better than to go back out to the field like that. Broken ribs and a stab wound! Thankfully you remembered to press the panic button, but I still had to find you in an alley unconscious. I think the final count is a concussion, broken ribs, stab wound, and a severely sprained knee.” He continues, but his words start blurring together. Blinking I try to follow along if only to say something back, but I can’t. Steve notices and gestures to Tony and they leave.

A few days later…

Limping into the common room, I sit down on the couch. Mom walks in with a glass of orange juice and hands it to me. I squint up at her since the windows are open and it’s really bright in here. Nat looks up at the ceiling and says, “F.R.I.D.A.Y., close the curtains and reduce the overhead lights”.

“Thanks” I mumble looking at the ground.

“Honey I know it’s hard, but you’re doing really well”.

“That’s cause you and Dad took all my electronics and books. I literally can’t do anything.”

A few days later…

“I still can’t even leave the Tower!”

Dad grimaces, “Kid, the last time you left the tower, you got a concussion and a sprained knee. And you left after breaking most of your ribs and getting stabbed. You don’t exactly have a good track record. I get that you have super healing and strength and all that, but your knee still isn’t healed”

I groan and say, “What are you talking about? My knee is fine!”

Tony gives me a look, sighs, and says, “ Says the person sitting on the couch. Besides, I’m going to leave it up to your mother, so suck it up.”

I sigh and head down to the training room. He said I couldn’t go leave the Tower, not that I couldn’t train. Besides, I know Mom is not going to budge, she’s like a brick wall. After finishing my usual punching routine. I start on my kicking routine. After three flying back kicks, my knee is starting to throb. I block out my knee. Starting the motion again, my knee buckles and I push through it and finish the kick, but my knee buckles and twists on landing and I fall to the ground groaning. I hear footsteps and look up to see Clint. He helps me sit up and then takes off my brace and rolls up my sweatpants. My knee is definitely swollen. He smirks and says, “I see you got your mom’s stubbornness, you’re supposed to let it heal”.

“How long have you been here?”

“Since you got here, I was going to start training, but you walked in...”

“So you’re spying on me?”

“Checking on you”

I try and stand but my knee gives out. Clint easily catches me and says, “We’re going to the Medbay. No arguments, you can’t walk”.

Bruce is on his computer when Clint walks in, Bruce sighs and says, “How did I  know you’d be back? You’re just like your parents.”

I laugh, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Clint smiles and sets me on the exam table and Bruce walks over and starts bending my knee slowly and I wince. He bends it again and I flinch and pull back. He says, “You need to rest your knee. Judging by how swollen it is and that it still hurts after a week, I know you’re not sitting still. If you can stay still for a week, it’ll be healed and I’ll clear you to go patrolling again. Deal?”

I nod, “Fine”

Bruce smiles, “Good. I’m also telling your parents so there’s no chance of you moving around.”

I groan and Clint laughs, “This is going to be a fun week for you! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sit still.”

Later that night, I’m sitting on the couch with the rest of the team, we’re all sitting in the common room watching movies and eating ice cream because Mom decided that we were going to do a movie night so I would sit still.

Besides, true families are there so you don’t have to do everything alone.

[arcticblastdrops-blog]

My Arctic Blast Review – Pain Relieving Drops Or Scam?

What Is ArcticBlast?

ArcticBlast is an exacerbate that is intended to be scoured onto any aspect of your body that harms. Its fundamental dynamic fixing is DMSO. That is short for Dimethyl sulfoxide. This synthetic happens in nature and is endorsed for specific uses by the Federal Drug Association (FDA.) According to the FDA, DMSO is utilized during bone marrow transfers, to lessen cerebrum growing after horrible mind wounds happen, and for the treatment of interstitial cystitis. It additionally diminishes general torment.

ArcticBlast isn't an enhancement that is ingested. Rather, the item arrives in a little container that accompanies a dropper. A couple of drops are set on a region of the body that damages, and afterward the item is scoured into the skin. The item shouldn't be utilized each day or everywhere on over the body. Rather, the treatment can be focused to where the torment is. This improves it than customary agony meds that are ingested and just work for a brief timeframe. ArcticBlast is intended to return you in charge of your life.

What Does ArcticBlast Contain?

As indicated by the ArcticBlast site, the compound has one dynamic fixing – DMSO. Since DMSO in a concentrated structure can cause consumes and different issues, the adaptation in ArcticBlast is blended in with different mixes. The outcomes are a fluid that can be effectively applied to the skin.

Studies have been done on DMSO, which is viewed as a non-harmful "polar aprotic dissolvable." This alludes to its compound cosmetics, not the way that is originates from the Arctic. DMSO has a few uses and is endorsed by the FDA. It has been around for more than 100 years, as it was found by a Russian researcher named Alexander Zaytsev in 1866. DMSO is utilized in both ordinary (human) medication and in veterinary medication. In the last mentioned, it is utilized in horse liniment, which removes the torment.

DMSO is a skin medicine that improves blood stream, decreases aggravation, and can diminish the impacts of maturing. It does the last through its cell reinforcement properties. It additionally shows up in antifungal meds where it expands their viability. DMSO is the principle fixing in ArcticBlast and is the fundamental motivation behind why the item works so well overall. That you should simply put some on a territory of the body that damages and afterward rub it in. It is intended to be that easy to utilize!

*Disclaimer: Individual Results will Vary

Speedy Breakdown of Benefits ArcticBlast Provides:

​ArcticBlast comprises of DMSO, an exacerbate that is known to diminish torment and is endorsed by the FDA

​You don't have to ingest ArcticBlast. Rather, you essentially rub it onto your skin

​No way of life changes are required so as to utilize ArcticBlast

​DMSO is a mitigating and a cancer prevention agent that will improve blood stream

*Disclaimer: Individual Results will Vary

What Do You Get When You Order ArcticBlast?

Each jug of ArcticBlast contains 1.0 liquid ounces of the item. Since you won't need it consistently – similarly as torment happens – there isn't generally any method of realizing how long one jug will last. There isn't a suggested "serving" size since ArcticBlast isn't really ingested. Rather, it's applied to the skin with a dropper, and everything necessary are a couple of drops of the item.

At the point when you buy ArcticBlast there are a few rewards that accompany your buy. Each of the three are digital books. The first is known as The Anti-Inflammation Diet. It contains various nourishments to eat and an eating regimen to follow so as to diminish aggravation in your body. This digital book regularly sells for $37.00. The second digital book is considered Feed Your Joints Back To Life. It is typically valued at $29.00. This book contains data about nourishments that you can eat so as to expand the ligament in your body and ease joint agony. At long last, the last free reward is a digital book that reveals to you how to live a "more drawn out and more beneficial life." It's called Longevity Secrets From the Healthiest 100-Year-Olds. This book regularly sells for $47.00. Out and out, you get $113.00 worth of books for nothing. Since they are all digital books, connections to download them will show up once your ArcticBlast buy experiences.

Reward #1 - The Anti-Inflammation Diet

To let your body really mend you need to recognize what to evade, yet more critically comprehend what to place IN your body, to gracefully it with supplements that will relieve and quiet your whole body.

Here's Jessica's involvement in the book…

"This book has transformed me. That is all. At the point when I previously observed this book I was promptly charmed… yet in addition somewhat suspicious. Curing the interminable agony I have felt for a considerable length of time with essential nourishments appeared to be amazing. "No prescription or pills? Can't be valid. I possibly understood the intensity of this book when I got to day 14 of following the eating routine. I was totally torment FREE without precedent for a long time, and felt a liveliness and unadulterated centered vitality that I had just felt in my young 20's. The plans… Wow… so cracking astonishing heavenly and simple to make. My most loved was the Ginger Berry Anti-Inflammatory Smoothie which I have each day. I languished with interminable back torment over numerous years, and the specialists said I could fail to help it. I refuted them by utilizing these straightforward successful methods in this book, and I suggest you do likewise!"

*Disclaimer: Individual Results will Vary

Reward #2 - Feed Your Joints Back To Life

It's about how to for all intents and purposes reboot the mending cycle of your joints. There are numerous nourishments to modify ligament. Indeed, the data in the book without anyone else will create astounding outcomes.

At the point when you get your hands on these reasonable, simple to-make, scrumptious plans to remake ligament, you will quicken the speed at which you recuperate your more youthful, agile, torment free body once more.

All alone, it's sold for $29. Yet, you can download it with the expectation of complimentary when you make a move and attempt ArcticBlast.

*Disclaimer: Individual Results will Vary

Reward #3 - Longevity Secrets

Life span Secrets is loaded with astonishing, all-common thoughts gained from individuals who've lived to 100, however who are solid and fit at least 100 for living a more extended, more advantageous life, more joyful. It's stunning how little of a specific sweet nectar in your tea can help inside mending. Or on the other hand how going for a stroll for this period of time following a specific feast every day can lessen the danger of stroke and coronary illness. The tips are composed into parts on diet, mending, condition, exercise, and connections so you can undoubtedly dunk into the territories you'd prefer to address. Wedding insight from the East with the most recent logical advances from the West, Longevity Secrets From The Healthiest 100-Year-Olds puts readily available an entire host of approaches to make your stay on earth longer, more beneficial, and a whole lot more joyful.

*Disclaimer: Individual Results will Vary

Pick YOUR DISCOUNTED PACKAGE

Get ArcticBlast today at a gigantic markdown while supplies endures

Request ArcticBlast Today!

Who Makes ArcticBlast?

ArcticBlast is made by Nutriomo Labs Pte. LTD. The item was made by Kevin Richardson, who has built up a few every single characteristic cure and diet plans. He saw a requirement for an all-regular help with discomfort treatment, so ArcticBlast was conceived. The tributes on the site are from previous expert competitors who required help with discomfort that didn't depend on customary torment meds. Kevin Richardson met with some of them through his different endeavors and began investigating the issue. He met a doctor who acquainted him with the item that in the end became ArcticBlast. This all-regular agony reliever filled a missing specialty in the market.

SEE WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT ARCTICBLAS

I was at first distrustful about this item, however then I chose to check it out. (What's the damage, right?) It transformed me. I'm glad to such an extent that I purchased ArcticBlast. I'm trust some time or another I won't need it any longer, yet up to that point, it is giving me the help that I need now.

My better half was correct!

My better half observed a business for Arctic Blast, and requested it for me to attempt. I was disturbed from the start, since I didn't figure it would work. Be that as it may, it did. My better half was correct! Simply don't disclose to her that I said that since I'll never hear its finish.

Suggested by a neighbor

My neighbor that realizes I have joint agony, enlightened me regarding ArcticBlast. In this way, I attempted it. She's never controlled me wrong. She positively didn't this time. ArcticBlast worked simply like she said it would. I'd trust her with my life.

*These tributes and ArcticBlast surveys depend on the encounters of a couple of individuals and you might not have comparable outcomes. Continuously counsel your doctor before rolling out any dietary improvements or beginning any sustenance, weight control or exercise program.

The amount Does ArcticBlast Cost?

ArcticBlast is an enhancement that comes in 1 liquid ounce bottles. Those containers are sold in different bundles, contingent upon the amount of the item you need to buy at once:

​One container of ArcticBlast is $49.95

Three containers of ArcticBlast are $119.95

Six containers of ArcticBlast are $199.95

Since its absolutely impossible of knowing how long a container of ArcticBlast will last, it's difficult to decide what number of "servings" of it you'll get. Everything relies upon your torment levels and how frequently you have to apply it. Be that as it may, we can separate the costs of each jug in the bundle plans. On the off chance that you buy the three-month gracefully of ArcticBlast, you're just paying $39.98 per bottle. This is right around ten dollars not exactly the single jug cost. Notwithstanding, on the off chance that you pick the six jug choice, you're just paying $33.32 per bottle. This is an impressive reserve funds. Installments for ArcticBlast are taken care of by Paypal. This gives you some purchaser insurances. In any case, the organization that makes the item has a 365-day unconditional promise. In the event that you don't care for ArcticBlast or feel like it isn't working for you, at that point yo

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[vidaflxwer]

to all the villains i’ve loved before: part one

so since tumblr decided to be evil today, i’ve decided to just make this post about the top five villains that i love and save it periodically as much as i possibly can so that i don’t lose anything i say. i’m upset i lost so much that i said about a few of these characters in particular because it was all very heartfelt and loving but you know. you win some, you lose some!

if you all like this i can make a few more posts because i have plenty of villains that i’ve loved in my lifetime that i will not shut up about. plus, some are just funny little mei stories of me being morally conflicted as a child over whether or not it was acceptable for me to have a crush on this character or not

surprise surprise! i grew out of that phase eventually but i would like to caution everyone that these are villains. they have done horrible things but i do not condone their actions by any means. 

now that we have that out of the way, here comes me being extremely soft over five chaotic bastards for as long as it takes me to explain how much i love them. which i never will be able to. so i guess here’s a condensed version of why i love them? i don’t know! all i know is that this will be long and soft and loving so strap yourselves in. 

1. sano kojima

well, this one comes with a bit of a story!

one night, my friend and i were talking and she was telling me about this fanfic she was working on! she let me read a bit of it and i was immediately interested in it, and asked her to link me to it when she was done and she posted it on ao3! so she did but, alongside that link, she told me that i’d probably actually enjoy the game she wrote about if i enjoyed the fanfic she wrote that much and sent me the link to the game he was from, saying that i’d like a different character from it. me, having absolutely no idea what i was getting into but trusting my friends to know my tastes entirely, decided to play it!

and that’s how i fell in love with sano!

i can’t say if it was just how late at night it was that made me fall for him so hard or if i was just particularly lonely then or whatever, but all i know is that i don’t think there’s a single other character that i’ve fallen this hard for in my entire lifetime (though mello is definitely a close second, which i think says something). i actually got insanely pissed off when i got one of his bad endings the first time i played it because i thought i was doing pretty well! all things considered, he seemed to actually like me, which rarely happens whenever i have to impress a character in a game romantically because i suck, but it just felt like everything was going well! and considering the type of game it is, well, i think it’s easy to see why i was so shocked. however when i got the bad ending, i looked up cheats straight away and fixed my only mistake and got one of his good endings and the rest is really history! that very night i actually started writing a fic about him, not one of the two that are posted (and please, never read the one i wrote with my best friend. it’s so bad. i regret it), but i still go back and reread it time to time because it holds a special place in my heart. 

i cannot express my love for sano in a single tumblr post - let alone, one he has to share with a few other characters i love to bits - but i can try my best! i think a part of it is that i’ve never really had someone as stable and mature as him in my life, so i kind of latched onto that part of his personality for dear life. he’s very blunt in the way he deals with your feelings, that much is true, but it’s not blunt in a very condescending way? it’s just like, “yeah, we all feel like this sometimes, and it’s okay” which was? definitely not something i was expecting from his character? he’s very shy which is super cute - he actually gets all flustered in the beginning if you say you want to learn more about him, and asks why you’d want to know more about him, which i adore - and his blushing face... god it’s adorable. i always imagine his laugh and his voice to be really soothing too. i’ve written about both of them so often they feel more real than my own headcanons at this point, but it makes me soft. not to mention he’s just hot. he’s a sadist, i don’t know if i mentioned that, and some of his lines... they really speak to me. the things he does to you in the game aren’t, uh, very nice but i rather enjoyed them. he even has a sense of humor which is surprising? in one of his routes he just makes jokes with you the entire time which is so sweet. he’s very caring, too. he might injure you but he takes insanely good care of your wounds afterwards, and tries to make sure you’re not in too much excessive pain beyond what he inflicts on you, which is adorable. god he’s adorable just thinking about this is making me all soft. did i mention that he’s also half snake demon? because he is! he’s always cold which is why he lights a fire at one point in the game, to keep himself warm, but he’s very shy about his actual demon form which is so cute... i love him with all of my heart, okay? i forgot to say he’s a doctor. well, i don’t think he’s a legal doctor, considering his age, but he sure is smart like one. and i rather love intelligence in a character so it’s astonishing to me. i’m gonna stop rambling because this will just be a post where i talk about how much i love sano for five hours straight but point is: i love him. 

2. victor vale

victor’s rather new to my life - i only just read vicious for the first time last year, and i’m rereading it now and it’s been a blast - but he’s definitely wormed his way into my heart. 

victor’s just powerful. that’s the best way i can describe him, both with the actual power he has and his own personality, and it’s so absolutely mesmerizing. some of the lines written in regards to his character, whether it be his dialogue or internal monologue, just carry this energy to them that’s so insanely powerful? that’s such a bad way to describe it, but really, there aren’t many words i’ve found that can fully encapsulate the sheer badass nature of “victor vale was not a fucking sidekick.” i didn’t mention that - he broke out of prison just so he could defeat his ex-best friend from college, eli ever, after being in prison for ten years - and if that isn’t dedication, i don’t know what is. you have to keep in mind, eli’s invincible. his power is literally regeneration. while victor might be able to manipulate pain, even he can’t kill someone who regenerates. but he wants to try. all he cares about is the chance to make eli hurt, to make him scream and pay for the hell he put him through and his self-righteousness that’s caused him to become a serial killer, and that’s what i love so much. he’s cold, intelligent, and ruthless - three of my favorite traits in any villain, but that’s not all! he’s actually a bit soft, deep down! he “adopts” a girl named sydney throughout the course of the novel, as well as a dog named dol, whom he raises alongside his cellmate he escaped with from prison named mitch. they’re such a chaotic little family but i love them to death, and victor’s actually sweet to all of them, in his own way. not to mention that he’s still not over the death of the only girl he ever loved, angie, even if he inadvertently caused her death himself. i don’t know. he’s just awesome. and such a badass. and i love him. and he was a med student so bonus points to him for that! 

3. kaz brekker

oh goodness gracious, kaz brekker. i read six of crows last year and i cannot tell you the amount of feelings i had for most of the cast without becoming a giant mess because wow did leigh bardugo write some very attractive characters but kaz was the one who just screamed my type. he’s the entire reason i actually decided to read six of crows and i’m not mad about that decision in the slightest because wow did i fall hard for kaz brekker. he’s sort of one of those self-proclaimed “businessmen” who scams people out of money because he can, which makes sense considering that’s how he wound up losing his brother at a young age, but the way he goes about it... well, it’s interesting, to say the least. his dialogue specifically is just amazing. especially when he’s flirting a bit with his love interest, inej, which in the beginning is just over-dramatic fake flirting but it’s adorable. he calls her his darling inej and my heart about melted. i should mention that he always dresses obnoxiously nice, the majority of people in ketterdam are poor and struggling, which is a bonus. and he has leather gloves. he’s wonderful because he’s such a badass - this bastard has a limp and can fight like nobody’s business - yet he cares about his little team. as much as he might hate to admit it, he does have a fondness for each of them in his heart, which i find sweet. not to mention his entire motivations for becoming as ruthless as he is revolve around his brother who succumbed to the plague that kaz himself survived at age ten, leaving him alone in ketterdam with nobody to rely on but himself. he’s such a fighter and i love that so much about him. he took his scars and turned them into revenge and i think that’s one of his strongest points as a character, his dedication to screwing over the man who screwed him over. i just love kaz brekker i can’t take it he’s gorgeous and deserves the world. 

4. mello

and here’s the only character who i’ve ever possessed a love for that’s even slightly comparable to that i feel for sano.

mello... where do i even begin? mello was another character i found at just the right point in my life. he’s the one who taught me what an inferiority complex was and showed me how bad my own was, but made me understand exactly why it was i loved villains so much. because they make their own decisions, regardless of if they’re immoral or not. i admire anyone who has the courage that it takes to be like, “no. i’m not going to become who you thought i was” and strive to be better than they were expected to be, to become more. mello was the first time i really saw that expressed in such a painfully raw way emotion wise so i wound up rooting for him to beat near and light and become the winner in this messed up game that was happening. sadly, as most of you probably know mello’s fate, that is not what wound up happening and needless to say, i was heartbroken about it. mello is truly one of the characters who i will say deserved better. it’s not often that i think a villain deserves a happy ending but goddammit, mello did. he deserved so much better. he was constantly compared to near and shamed for his impulsiveness and it just broke my heart to see how much he was internally struggling to become the best. when i realized that near used him in his own plan, i was so beyond pissed off. 

mello is attractive. he’s badass - he rides a motorcycle, wears pretty much all leather, has such an attractive voice, and not to mention just carries himself in a way that i’m so drawn to - but i love him for so much more than just that. i love him because of what he represents - of who he represents - and i truly wish that more people fully understood his character because he is one of the most relatable villains i’ve found so far. i don’t know. i still have so many strong feelings towards him and miss him so, so much every single time i think about him. 

5. laito sakamaki

i’m gonna be honest with all of you here and say i cannot figure out, for the absolute life of me, why in the world i love laito sakamaki. he doesn’t fit my type at all? in the slightest? there’s nothing about him that would scream mei’s favorite diabolik lovers character? if anything, reiji should be my favorite but alas, while he is very attractive looks wise, his personality drives me up a wall. laito actually used to be probably my least favorite out of the boys alongside reiji, but i randomly warmed up to him recently and i’m glad(?) about that decision. he’s a mess. he’s so flirtatious and does not know by any means what personal space is and is just very forward with yui, to say the least, but i’ll be damned if this vampire boy does not have one of the hottest voices on the planet. daisuke hirakawa actually is going to voice lucien, a hot doctor from a different dating sim, in an upcoming anime adaptation of said game which i am very excited about because god does this man have a fantastic voice... laito’s just such an asshole and maybe that’s why i love him? maybe i love the way that he’s persistently awful and so flirtatious in the way that he is awful? then there’s the church scene in the anime which... if you have not scene the church scene, that’s probably for the best but his dialogue in that scene ruined me. everything about that scene ruined me. i could barely breathe watching that scene because it is one of the most attractive things i have ever seen in my entire life and i adore it. 

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

Baby Daddy - Chapter 19

You can read it on AO3 here, or find the Tumblr Chapter Index here. 

The sheriff doesn’t raise his voice when he’s angry with Stiles, but Laura, sitting in the living room, can hear every word, and every one of them feels like a punch in the gut.

“You said you did this for me, Stiles? Then maybe you should have thought about how I’d feel too. That baby is my grandchild, and you’ve already signed it away. You’d do it again? You have no right to make that choice for me!”

Nobody has told the Stilinskis about enhanced werewolf hearing yet.

Moments later the door to the study slams, and Stiles races up the stairs.

Derek gets up from his seat beside Laura on the couch, and disappears further into the house.  

Peter sits on the arm of the couch, and sips his coffee.

“You told him it would be like ripping off a Band-Aid,” Laura murmurs.

“Well.” Peter shrugs and taps his fingers up the side of his mug “What the hell do I know about Band-Aids?”

There’s a challenge in his gaze that belies his flippancy, and Laura closes her eyes to avoid it for a moment, and just listens.

She hears Stiles tramp down the stairs again, and go outside and start his Jeep. Then she hears the sound of another car engine, and moments later Stiles is back, and Deputy Parrish is with him.

The squeak of footsteps on the stairs: Stiles first, and then Derek padding after him.

The low sound of voices from the study: the sheriff and Parrish.

And heartbeats. She can hear all their heartbeats, beating in sync here, and in counterpoint there, each individual beat coalescing into the steady hum of background noise. Her own heartbeat is part of that strange symphony too, and Peter’s. And there’s a new one too: the tiny little squeeze and press of a developing muscle in a body the size of a sweet pea.

She opens her eyes again to find Peter still gazing at her.

“Don’t give me that face, Lulu,” he says. “I’m not the one who can smooth this over.”

Laura closes her eyes again and exhales.

It was never supposed to be this complicated. Stiles was her friend, and she liked talking with him and laughing with him, and her wolf liked the way he smelled. It was a simple equation. Everything is simple for the wolf. Of course, the wolf’s instincts don’t always align with the complex reality of the human world.

This was never supposed to be this complicated, but it is, and Peter’s right. Laura can’t rely on someone else to fix this for her. She’s Laura Hale. She’s the alpha, and she’s going to be a mother, and she needs to step up and make this right.

She opens her eyes as she hears Parrish leaving.

Parrish leans in the doorway on his way out. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Laura manages a smile.

“John wants to see you guys,” Parrish says.

“Thanks.”  Laura stands up and walks down the hallway towards the sheriff’s study. Peter follows.

She knocks on the doorframe with her knuckles. “Sheriff?”

He looks up from the paperwork on his desk. “Laura. Peter. Come in. Sorry, I don’t have any spare chairs in here…”

Peter vanishes, and reappears a moment later with two from the dining room.

“So, Parrish brought me copies of the statements from Gerard Argent and his men,” the sheriff says. “They’re being pretty tight-lipped at the moment, but on the plus side, they also haven’t said a word about werewolves.”

“They’re very big on secrecy,” Peter says, and reaches for the statements. “May I?”

The sheriff stares at him for a moment, and then shoves the statements toward him. “Why the hell not? It’s already a goddamn cover up. Tainting your witness testimony is hardly going to make a difference at this point, is it?”

Peter smirks, but keeps his mouth shut as he takes the statements.

Thank fuck.

It’s obvious John Stilinski is a decent guy and an ethical cop, and that everything about this rubs him the wrong way. When it comes to his job, Laura isn’t sure that anybody should try to push him any further than he already feels he’s been pushed.

“Well, if they won’t come up with a motive,” Peter suggests, “then maybe your officers should supply them with one.”

The sheriff raises his eyebrows.

“If I were Deputy Parrish, for example,” Peter says, “I might ask if this was some sort of ransom attempt. We surviving Hales are quite wealthy, thanks to life insurance payouts from the fire. If Deputy Parrish asked if that’s what this was all about, I can imagine that the hunters will be agreeable to that.”

“Why would they be agreeable?”

“Because it keeps werewolves out of the picture,” Peter says. “Which keeps them from being medicated to the gills on antipsychotic meds in prison. And also because if the police think it’s all about the money, then they’re unlikely to dig too deeply for a connection to the fire. I’d rather do a few years for kidnapping than a much longer stretch for eight counts of murder, wouldn’t you?”

Laura doesn’t know how Peter can talk about the fire with such pragmatic detachment, as though it’s something that happened to someone else’s family. As though it’s purely academic.

“Do we still have the death penalty in California?” he asks. “Or was that taken off the books while I was in my coma?”

“We’ve still got it,” Sheriff Stilinski says. “But California hasn’t executed a death row inmate since 2006.”

“Still, not a pleasant prospect, I would imagine.” Peter flips through a few more pages. “If Deputy Parrish gives them the chance to pretend this was a kidnapping, and not them coming back to finish the job they started with the fire, they’ll take it. They’re not fools.”

“And what about the fire?” the sheriff asks. “Aren’t you interested in justice for that?”

“Oh, I’m very interested,” Peter tells him mildly. “But it’s not something I intend to bother the police with.”

“Peter,” Laura says in a warning tone, seeing the flash of anger in the sheriff’s eyes.  

Peter smirks.

The sheriff regards them both silently for a moment. “I’ll suggest it to Parrish,” he says at last. “We’ll see if they bite. Meanwhile, there’s still no sign of Kate Argent. She might have left town already.”

Peter’s expression hardens. “She won’t have. Kate Argent has the habit of coming at you in unexpected ways, and she won’t be very happy that Gerard is in custody. She’s still here, I’d bet my life on it.”

“Huh.” Sheriff Stilinski leans back in his chair. “You betting your life on what Kate Argent would do didn’t go so well last time, did it?”

“Not so well, no,” Peter agrees, his top lip curling slightly at the challenge in the sheriff’s tone. “She was supposed to come after me first, not Laura and Derek. She wasn’t even supposed to know about the loft.”

“You’re the tactician, right?” The sheriff leans forward again. “That’s your job in the pack? Your plan almost got you and Laura killed, didn’t it? What went wrong?”

Peter growls, the sound low and ominous.

The sheriff doesn’t even blink.

“What went wrong,” Peter says, “is that the bitch came at me at the loft, and not in my apartment. What went wrong is that there should have been three of us, instead of just the two of us. What went wrong is that I probably led her to the loft myself, instead of avoiding it, because Derek ran and Laura called me, and I didn’t think. I just went straight there, like a fucking idiot. Is that what you wanted to hear, Sheriff?”

The sheriff presses his mouth into a thin line. “You talk a big game, Peter, but you’re not infallible. Your mistakes could have got you and Laura and the baby killed.”

“I know what my mistakes have cost,” Peter says, his eyes flashing. “You’ve seen the autopsy reports from the fire.”

“Yeah, I have,” the sheriff says. “And it’s only pure dumb luck I’m not looking at yours right now. If you want my help on this, and make no mistake, you needmy help on this, then it comes with conditions. It stops. Right now, it stops. These guys go to prison, and it’s done. You understand me? It’s done. No more revenge. No more killings. It’s done.” He gives Peter a moment to growl, and then raises his eyebrows. “So you tell me, Peter, what do you need to happen for you to agree to that?”

Peter exchanges a look with Laura.

“I need Gerard and Kate either in a jail cell or in a grave,” he says at last.

“Okay,” Sheriff Stilinski says. “Then you give me a chance to make that happen.”

Peter blinks, and Laura can feel the faint surprise sharpening his scent. It’s not often that Peter finds himself manipulated into being accommodating, and the speed with which the sheriff got him from smirking at the idea of taking his own bloody revenge against the Argents to agreeing to allow the police to handle it was truly something.

And he only had to drag him a little way through hell to make it happen.

Laura thinks that Peter has possibly underestimated the sheriff, and that he’s as much intrigued by the idea as he is piqued by it.

“Fine,” Peter says at last, sounding almost rattled. “I’ll give you your chance.”

It’s the sheriff’s turn to smirk.

***

Peter leaves to stew, or brood, or plot his revenge against the sheriff—or, Laura suspects, more weirdly, to ponder the dimensions of his newfound admiration for the man—and the sheriff looks at Laura like he expects her to follow him.

“Werewolf hearing,” she says instead. “It’s a thing.”

The sheriff’s brows draw together. “What sort of a thing?”

“A very acute thing,” Laura says. “I heard every word between you and Stiles earlier.”

The sheriff sags in his chair, and exhales heavily. It’s a mix of disappointment and regret. “Every word?”

She nods. “Sheriff, Stiles doesn’t want to be a father. That’s part of the reason I chose him. Because our pack is the three of us.” Was, she thinks. Was the three of us. “And I wanted a baby without the baggage of its father in the picture, because the last thing I thought we needed was another fully grown person in the mix, when our pack bonds were already fragile.”

She can tell by the look on his face that the sheriff doesn’t entirely understand that. It doesn’t matter. It’s not the point.

“Stiles doesn’t want to be my baby’s father,” she says. “But you saved our lives, John. And I would be honoured to have you as a part of my child’s life, in any capacity that you want. Family friend. Random uncle. Even grandpa, if that’s what you want.” Her chest aches. “I had a Grandma Alice when I was growing up. Turns out she wasn’t related to either of my parents. She was my dad’s old elementary school teacher. So what I’m saying is you can be Grandpa John if you want. Stiles doesn’t need to be my child’s father to make it work.”

The sheriff passes a hand over his face. When he looks up again, his eyes are brimming with tears. “It’s more than I deserve, Laura.” His voice is rough.

“It’s not,” she tells him. “John, I know this past year has been really hard on you. It’s been really hard on Stiles too. When I was his age, I lost everything, and I suddenly had to step up and be responsible in ways I hadn’t before. And I messed up a lot too. Just ask Derek and Peter. I’m stillmessing up. And the worst thing isn’t even all the screw-ups I’ve made. It’s the thought that Derek or Peter might not forgive me for them.”

“Laura, I only found out about this yesterday.” He holds up a hand. “I know. I know that’s no excuse. But it’s a lot. It’s just a lot.”

Laura nods. “I know it is.”

The sheriff exhales heavily. “I’m gonna need some time to come to terms with all of this. For what it’s worth though, thank you for the offer to be Grandpa John. I appreciate that, and I willbe taking you up on it. And hopefully by the time the baby actually arrives, me and Stiles will have it all sorted out between us.”

“I hope so too,” Laura tells him. “Because you’re our friends. Both of you.”

You’re our pack, she wants to say, but she knows that one’s going to have to wait.

[lifeasitis21]

What If

Pairing: Henry Cavill x Reader

Request:  The reader is a doctor and meets Henry when he injures his leg. He falls for her but the Reader is hesitant because of the fame and attention.

A/n: Hope you like it Anon! 

Life doesn’t always offer you everything you hope for, but there still remains those unmistakable moments where it gets close enough for you to always look forward to tomorrow.

One of those moments for you came when you were hired to your first movie set. 8 years of medical school and 5 years of professional experience later, you were suggested to be the primary set doctor for the entire production of Superman. It was all so exhilarating. You were good at what you did and being one of the few that actually got to showcase that was more than you could ask for.

Being set medic entailed a lot of things, but you had a team of physicians working under you that would handle any lesser injuries. Because you specialized in orthopedics, you would deal with any and all injuries pertaining to that, especially if the patient was one of the more expensive ones.

The first few weeks on set you weren’t really needed. You’d supervised on a few injuries here and there but the production team had notified you weeks in advance that filming for some of the more intense scenes wouldn’t be for awhile. Because of the slow paced start, you found yourself with a lot of extra time on your hands.

When you could, you worked on your medical thesis. The set provided you with your own medical HQ to work from. There were a few offices inside, for more private injuries, and one where you could work.

This set in particular knew from the very beginning that your team would be crucial for all of this to work. Like a machine, if one part of it wasn’t working properly, none of it would. Which made your presence there invaluable when the star of the movie had an accident during filming.

You were paged the second it happened. You knew most of the filming schedule, and this particular week involved scenes in the rain. Water increased chance of injury by almost 80% so you were ready the moment you heard your name called over the intercoms.

You rushed to set to see a group of people huddled around someone lying on the ground, obviously in pain.

“Move, watch out.” Two of your physicians shoved their way through the crowd, you were close behind.

When the people cleared, you saw the stunt director kneeling down next to one of the actors. The actor was on his back, the stunt director hovered near his extended leg.

“A misstep down from that ledge. He definitely twisted an ankle, but he said the pain is worst in his hip.” The stunt director moved aside so you could asses the damage.

“Tell me where the pain is.” You grabbed his leg gently by his ankle and then below his knee. As you started to lift it up, you watched his face. The higher you went the more his face contorted in pain.

“It--s, right here.” He said, motioning towards his hip flexor. His limited movement made you think the muscle ripped, you just hoped it wasn’t too bad.

“Alright. Lets get the gurney over here please!”

The actor struggled a little below you as he tried to sit up. “It’s alright, I think I can walk.”

But you placed your hand to his shoulder and gently pushed him back down.

“We don’t want walking to make anything worse. If you promise to sit tight, I promise to fix you up.” You gave him a comforting smile, hoping it would ease his worry. You knew what you were doing.

As you and your team rolled him to the medical bay, one of the directors and the actors agent walked alongside you.

“What is it looking like Y/n? Will he be okay to continue?” Before you could even answer his agent chimed in on the other side of you.

“Do we need to push production? Because his window of recovery is getting smaller with every second that goes by.”

Now you had seen this before. The worry, the panic. It was there with everyone close to your patients. In their case it came off as strictly business, almost a little selfish, but there was no denying the fear in there eyes.

You stopped just short of the entrance to the med bay and let them roll the actor past as you stopped the other two at the door.

“I know there are a lot of variables with this. But all I can promise you is that I’m good at what I do and he’s in good hands. We have to asses the damage. But from his pain levels I can say I don’t think surgery will be necessary. As soon as I know anything else. You will be the first to know.”

They seemed to take the hint that they shouldn’t follow you in. So the moment you walked into his room you got to work. The other doctors had already finished his initial assessment.

“No tears in the hip flexor but he has mild separation in his left hip.”

Muscles pulling away from the bone meant physical therapy, but he was already in shape, which meant this should heal pretty quickly.

“..Henry,” you read of his records “I’m Dr. Mason. How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better.” He managed a half smile. “So what’s the bad news doc?”

“Actually it’s better than we thought. The ankle is a mild sprain, my guess is the pain has already mostly gone, yes?”

He nodded his head.

“Good. The muscles in your hip are intact. There is, however, some separation of the muscle from bone. That was the pain you felt when you slipped, but some physical therapy is all you’ll need for that.”

As you finished, his body relaxed a little, he sighed in relief. “How much physical therapy?”

By the way he asked, you knew he wanted to ask more. “2 weeks. I assume you already have a training schedule so--”

“So are you saying it shows...or?”

A smile formed on your lips without you even realizing it before you continued.

“Well, whatever makes you feel better. But it would need to be at least 6 days a week for such a short time. Full recovery would be around 1 month, but you would be able to continue filming in 2.”

“6 days a week I can do.”

“Okay then Henry. Today you need to rest. Let the muscle start to heal, and tomorrow we can discuss best options for a PT to begin your rehab.” You started towards the door.

“Oh, I just assumed you would be working with me. You’re an orthopedic physician right? And you said I should get the best.”

By the look on his face, you weren’t sure if he was flirting, just being complimentary, or both.

“Well of course, the choice is yours. If that’s what you want I can arrange it for the 2 weeks.”

A soft smile took over his face as he watched you.

“If it’s not a problem for you Dr. Mason, I would appreciate it.”

As you made your way out of the room, you saw Henry’s agent still hovering outside the door. He saw you walk out and waved you over.

“So? What’s the news?”

“2 weeks of intense physical therapy will get him back to filming. He’ll need to start out slow of course. Full recovery is a month. But I’m confident he’ll be able to do it.”

The agent had a few more questions than you thought he would. All of which were mostly just to ease his own mind, which you were happy to do. You told him Henry requested that you be his PT for his 2 week recovery, and he was relieved to hear that you had agreed.

“I know it’s not what you signed on for, and it sort of takes you out of the game. But you will be compensated as much as it takes. Henry--he’s a hard worker. He’ll do whatever you ask him to.”

You placed a hand to his shoulder and let him know it was alright for him to breath again.

“I’m happy to do it. Whatever needs to be done, it’s not a problem.”

The 2 weeks of recovery would need to be offsite of set. Per your suggestion, you wanted Henry to be completely focused on his physical health during his recovery, and the best way for him to do that was to have some separation from work.

His home in New York had it’s own training facility and he suggested you go there since it was more convenient for the both of you. He had to send a driver to pick you up the morning of training because his place was so secluded. But it was breathtakingly beautiful. Not ridiculously huge, since he lived alone, but just as nice as you expected it to be.

As the car pulled up to the front, you saw Henry leaning against the pillar outside the door waiting for you.

The driver walked around to open your door but Henry rushed to it instead and opened it for you.

“Good morning doc. How’d you sleep?” He rushed the words out as he stepped aside to let you out of the car.

“...I slept fine. And you can call me Y/n.”

He smiled down at you but didn’t say anything. He just watched you.

“We should get started.” You said finally.

As if you’d pullled him from a trance, he jumped into action and led you inside.

“I’m a terrible host. I apologize. Would you like the tour?” He said a little to excitedly. But as if his own words registered in his mind, he shook his head.  “Of course not. We should--I’ll uh--follow me.”

His fumbling, though a little awkward, also came off as cute. But finally, he led you into the training room where you wasted no time in beginning training. When you started, there was no more small talk. You were committed to getting him better on schedule and he was dedicated to doing whatever you asked.

You knew his pain must have been around a 5 about halfway through the session and you were relying on him to tell you when it became too much.

“Remember, good pain can be worked through. It’s more sore than ache. If that changes you need to tell me.”

He was out of breath but shook his head to let you know he understood.

“That’s enough endurance for today. An equally important part of your recovery is rest. Let’s stretch out. Then you’ll follow the recovery plan I gave to your trainer.”

Henry lied down on his back while you manipulated his leg into the first stretch. He’d been completely professional up to this point which you appreciated. Physical therapy was very, well, physical at times. You were used to it, but Henry seemed not to mind the closeness. Maybe he didn’t mind it a little too much.

“So tell me Y/n. What do I need to know about you?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” You replied, moving his leg into the next stretch.

“You’re a brilliant, successful doctor. In charge. Smart..”

“Isn’t that the same as brilliant?” You teased.

“See. You know those things.” That made you laugh. “Where did you grow up? Where do you wish you could be even on a great day?”

You considered him for a moment, but when you noticed him flinch in pain every once and awhile, you knew he needed the distraction.

“Okay, well I grew up in a small town in Maine. I was a creative type when I was young and I loved the idea of fixing people.”

“Right, like any normal 3 year old you decided to be a doctor.” He had a playfulness to his voice, it made it easy to talk to him.

That is absolutely right, you said with a laugh.

“As for where I wish to be...well anytime I want to escape, it’s always to Iceland.”

Henry let a huge smile form on his face to keep himself from laughing. “Wait, did you say Iceland? What--why iceland?”

You laughed at the look of confusion on his face as you tried to explain.

“If i’m honest I have no idea what it’s like now. But I watched this show--”

“You watched a show.” He repeated as if considering your words.

“Yes I watched a show. I can be very influential. But whatever, I watched a show and it was gorgeous. And secluded.” You laughed, staying mindful of his pain levels. “Sometimes there’’s just a lot going on. And somtimes I just want to be alone.”

He was quiet for a moment. You wondered if he’d had enough conversation.

Then, “I like the way you think Y/n..I--I really do. And you’ve inspired me. You go to Iceland. I’ll go to Antarctica. We call each other when we get overwhelmingly lonely. No strings.”

You watched his eyes as he spoke. The sincerity in them was inviting. But before you could say anything else, you said, I don’t know. We’ll have to see.

“You’re finished with me for the day. No doubt you’re incredibly sore. So make sure you follow up on your recovery.”

Cold, calculated, distant, yes. But necessary. 

You reached down a hand to help him off the ground and he slowly took it and worked his way up.

“I really can’t say it enough Y/n. Thank you for doing this.”

You pulled a smile and took a step back from him. “You’re welcome.”

You muttered, I’ll see myself out, before turning and walking back to the door. 

And it seemed that you couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Your stomach fluttered all the way out. It barely stopped even when you’d made it halfway down his driveway.

You sat in silence in the back of his drivers car, going over every word he’d said to you inside. Then assessing all the different things those words could have meant. Your conclusion..well one of your conclusions was that Henry was the type of person who flirted when he felt uncomfortable. You couldn’t decide why he would feel that way, though you’d spent the remainder of the ride trying to.

As the driver waved goodbye. He confirmed your pick up at the same time tomorrow.

You made your way inside your house just as your phone buzzed with a text.

I think you did some amazing work today. I also wanted to check what type of coffee you want for tomorrow morning, I’m taking orders :)... also, consider this an example of your weekly check up while you’re sitting on the banks of Iceland. 

Henry must have been sitting in his ice bath for over ten minutes before he decided to send it. The smiley face was definitely a mistake, he thought. It was obviously too late now though. But god what he wouldn’t give to go back 30 seconds and not send that smiley face.

‘Some amazing work..’ Though true, he thought that seemed like a little bit of a stretch. Like he was reaching a little. All of a sudden the word ‘amazing’ sounded unbelievably sexual. 

He knew you were probably creeped out by now. You had to be. You barely knew him and here he was sending you a text that, if read correctly, was the equivalent of asking what color your bra was. 

God he hated himself. He hated himself even when he saw your speech bubbles pop up on his phone. His body was past the numb point and straight to the burning, but he didn’t care. He hated himself more than that.

I’m glad you’re feeling hopeful, that’s important. As for coffee, maybe an iced chai? Thank you! P.s. If you mean you’ll be bringing me a coffee once every week while I’m away, consider yourself a keeper :)

Henry’s body was on fire. His alarm marking his time for the ice bath was going off beside him, he could hardly feel his hands, but for the life of him, he could not stop smiling.

He didn’t know what to say. That was a given. In fact, as he reread his first text, he didn’t remember writing it.

“Henry, that’s time. Are you out?” His trainer shouted from outside the bathroom.

It clearly caught him off guard. His fingers had thrown in the towel sooner than he was prepared for and he watched in complete astonishment as his phone slipped through his fingers and went plunging into the icy waters.

The next morning, as the driver pulled up to Henry’s house, Henry was once again waiting for you outside. He wasted no time in rushing to your door, he practically opened it before the car had even stopped.

“Woah, uh good morning to you to Henry.”

“Y/n! Hey, hi, sorry about that.” He said out of breath. “I dropped my phone.”

That was all he said. You stared at him, hoping he would realize he would need to expand.

“You dropped your phone...”

“In water. I dropped it in water and it broke, that’s why I didn’t text you back.”

You began walking past him inside with a smile on your face. “Well, it’s not a problem.”

You were nearly inside when a van came speeding up the driveway. The tires screeched on the pavement, the door swung open and within seconds his front entrance was filled with cameras.

“Henry! Henry! Over Here!”

They shouted from every which direction. Lights incessantly flashing.

“How’d they get in--get them out of here please.” He spoke calmly to his head of security, he’d done this a few times before, but you hadn’t.

“Henry just a few shots. How long will filming be on hold?”

“Is there something going on between you and Y/n?”

“Did you two have an affair while you were with Justine?”

Henry’s security was able to get the two of you inside while they ushered the paparazzi off the property.

You were a bit shaken. One of his body guards was checking up on you while some of the others were speaking with Henry a little ways away.

“Are you alright Dr. Mason? We sincerely apologize for that.”

“Yeah, no I’m fine. It’s fine.” You gave him a polite smile as you tried to hear what Henry was saying, but you couldn’t do so without being noticed so you made your way to the training room and waited.

Henry followed you in not long after. A look of agitation settled on his face as he walked towards you.

“Y/n. I am so sorry. That was--unacceptable.”

You shook your head back a forth, that same polite smile on your face as before.

“You don’t need to worry. I’m fine.”

When you stopped talking, his eyes fell a little. All of a sudden he felt embarrassed to even look at you.

“..Since I can’t help it. I heard someone say something about an affair?” It sounded nosy the way you phrased it so you tried, “Not that I’m digging. I just don’t want to cause any rumors. If you need to talk to your girlfriend, maybe clear the air..”

You worried you’d overspoken.

“There is no girlfriend. There used to be. But it ended just before filming started. And there was no affair--on my part.”

This had all suddenly gotten very personal, you weren’t sure it should go any further, but it also didn’t feel right to just stop talking now.

“I’m sorry. That sucks.” Wow, you thought, that was bad, so so bad.

But, something in the way you said it, the face you made just before looking away from him, it brought a smile to his face.

“Should we get started Y/n?”

“Absolutely. God please.” That made you both laugh.

Henry’s progress in the two weeks you worked with him was outstanding, so much better than you could have hoped for. By the start of the second week he was already back to his weightlifting routines, and by the end, you had no worries for him getting back to filming.

After that second day with him, there was a shift in the way he was with you. You’d often catch him watching you during his sessions. And after he got himself a new phone, he would text you every night for your coffee order, most of the time starting up a conversation after that.

Which you didn’t mind. It was casual. It was fun. And he was easy to work with.

You would miss the solo sessions, but you were ready to get back to work. Things ran as smoothly as they could without you, but now that you were back, it was important you continued to do your best work.

Since you were technically still Henry’s doctor, you would check up on him periodically. Whenever he filmed a scene that may have aggravated his injury  you were always on set making sure he was alright. Surprisingly enough, he never had to tell you how much he enjoyed having you around him all the time because it was overwhelmingly obvious that he did.

“Whats the news today doc?” That familiar phrase had become a favorite of his since his return.

It brought a smile to your face as you ran your hands over his hip, and stretched him out.

“It’s holding up Henry. How’s the pain?”

“Barely a 2. How does dinner tonight sound?”

You rolled your eyes a bit in a teasing way. “Thought you’d try it again? What is that, the third time you’ve asked this week?”

“Oh come on Y/n. I’ts not a date! Just a way to say thank you for fixing me up.”

“Oh it’s not a date?” you said, taking a step back and letting him sit up, “But what about the other times you asked, weren’t those dates?”

“Well...yeah, those were dates. But you didn’t like the idea, so now we’re calling it a platonic dinner.”

Something inside you kept made you consider it this time. You weren’t sure what was different, but he definitely picked up on something.

“Oh? Oh. Alright so that’s a yes! Perfect.”

“Wait, Henry I--”

“I will see you tonight at my place at 7 o’clock. My driver will be at your place at 6:30.”

Before you could even get a word in, Henry was up off the exam table and on his way out the door.

And in 10 minutes, he had somehow convinced you into a date, whether he was calling it that or not, but he’d also convinced you that you wouldn’t regret going.

“You look--gorgeous, Y/n.”

You stood in the doorway of his house wearing a simple summer dress. 

“Thank you.” You smiled at the way he seemed to be at a loss for words, not that it was the first time you’d seen him like this.

“God, I’m sorry I suck. Please, come in.” For the first time, you followed Henry into the kitchen where you were surprised to see a pot of something boiling on his stove. 

“Mmmm, it smells amazing in here. What are you making?” You saw an open bottle of wine on his counter and poured yourself a glass.

“Spaghetti Bolognese. Well it’s supposed to be that. We’ll see.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great.” You sat down at the bar in front of his stove as he continued to stir the sauce.

A few moments of silence went by as you sipped on your wine. You just assumed he was focused on cooking, but inside his head, he’d been going over a million different conversation starters but because he couldn’t find one he liked, he just hadn’t been talking.

“You know...Call me crazy, but I think we’re off to a good start.” 

“Wait,” You started laughing and couldn’t stop “what?’‘

“Uhh, I was feeling a little bit off today..but you definitely turned me on.”

He barely made it through before your laughter encouraged his. own.

“God, I’m so bad at this. But seriously. You are not easy to talk to Y/n.”

He put your food down in front of you and then brought his own to take a seat next to you.

“Well, I don’t know what you’re freaking out about. It’s just dinner.” You said, laughter dissipating.

Henry glanced over at you for a second, back down to his food, but then back at you this time holding your attention.

“I’ve never tried to be on a date with someone as hard as I’m trying with you.”

It caught you off guard, but the sincerity in his eyes made it incredibly hard for you to push him away.

“You’re incredible. And for some reason, you showed up in my life and I’ve been, fucked ever since.”

“Just..” You pulled his mouth to yours and kissed him. But before he could even think, you let him go.

“...mmmmokay, uh huh.” He said in a daze.

“You’re charming and sweet and polite. But you also come with a lot of extra stuff...”

You could have sworn you heard his heart snap in two as you spoke, which is not what you were after.

“If you’re asking the question I think you are, my answer is yes. But I need time. Just push the brakes a little, let me catch up.”

Henry was completely dumbfounded as you continued eating as if nothing had even happened. He’d never been so terrified, yet turned on at the same time.

“How’s the food?” Jesus, of all the things he could of said.

“It’s really bad, Henry.” You smiled sympathetically, but began to laugh when he pulled your plate away.

“Yeah, I actually just tasted it, and it’s bad.”

“I’ll call for pizza. We can make it a movie night, yeah?”

Henry looked back at you from the sink, loving the fact that everything with you seemed so much simpler now. Simple and perfect.

“That sounds amazing, Y/n.”

As you waited on the line, you smiled over at Henry.

“Amazing is kind of a weird word. It sounds oddly sexual.”

A smile pulled at his lips as he watched you kick out of your heels. “I have to agree.”

Tag List:  @jaderbugz @a-girl-who-loves-disney @chillnadia @posiemax @samdean-67 @smexy-bucky-waifu  @maragaretcarter @supersleepyfangirlthings @shortstoryimagines @omg-fuck-i-love-you @peachlar @thebutterflyxx @tomhollambucky @loviee14 @ign-is @wisdombeyondher-years @maxtothemoff @avntsmay @princess-of-the-fandoms @marvelouslyme96 @witchywrter @marvelite1998 @manofsteel7712 @d0ntjudgemy50shades @henrycavillstalkingmustache

[winterverses]

Walking Wounded - Deleted Scene #10

McCoy is not having an easy time with his part in this whole scheme. I felt like he, most of all, would be exposed to the different shades of horrible that make up Loche’s plan by virtue of his position as doctor. And the things Anne has done are just... the same things McCoy is doing when he goes along with the tenor of the place, just writ large. I feel like he’d understand that on some level.

Warning: general awfulness. I don’t even know how to class this one.

There. She was finally done, the skin all closed up over the healing jawbone. McCoy scowled down at the slight crookedness in the line of Hardesty’s jaw, the little dent where the fracture had happened. He didn't have the right tools here to fix it; he could knit the fragments together but he didn't have a regenerator that could create new bone material to fill in the dent. It would have to wait until they were back on the Enterprise.

In spite of his vexation, he cleaned himself off in the primitive med bay’s one disinfector, the blood flaking off his hands and disappearing into nothingness. Once he was satisfied-- and it took a long time, much longer than it would have on the Enterprise-- he walked back over to his patient, looking down at her still form, the tense readiness she’d worn now dissipated under the effects of her sedation.

This had been a bad idea. Strategically sound, yes, but a bad idea all the same. McCoy carefully slid his arms under Hardesty’s limp form, lifting her from the hard metal examination table. His steps echoed against the stone walls of the repurposed cavern as he brought her over to a small cot in the corner. Even if she didn’t know it, he felt compelled to treat her with as much kindness as he could get away with. Someone had to-- it was plain to see the girl was terrified, had been terrified ever since the Mary Read had been hailed by one of the smugglers’ vessels. Claudia had been furious over this whole thing, and with good reason. The girl was already cracking under the strain of this mission, and by its very nature, she thought she had no one she could rely on for help.

As he was drawing a little sheet over her to cover her, McCoy heard the door open behind him. Some instinct made him pull it up all the way, covering Hardesty’s head before he turned. “Well?” he demanded, looking at the intruder. Caucasian human male, holding his wrist as if it pained him.

“Are you the doctor?” the young man asked.

“Would I be in here if I wasn’t?” McCoy shook his head in disgust and walked over to the examination table. “Come on. Let me take a look at it.”

The wrist was broken, but it had partly healed in the absence of a doctor to treat it. McCoy sighed and got to work. At least that gave him more bone material to work with, even if it meant he had to recreate the break before he started to knit it up.

The young man said very little through the entire procedure, but when McCoy asked him how it had happened, he’d laughed shortly. “Discipline. I work in Section Three, and one of the Orions we trade with stole a molecular converter. I was checking their cargo, but I missed that. Sneaky bastards. I hate dealing with them, but they’re good at what they do.”

McCoy felt like he should pry, try to lead the young man into saying more, but he wasn’t sure how to go about it. After a moment, he just said, “I haven’t dealt with them much. Do they come here often?”

“Oh, all the time.” The young man’s lip curled in disgust. “I wish we could get rid of them. You can’t trust ‘em. But Loche says we need to put up with them, at least until we have enough of a fleet to manage on our own. We’ll be better off when that happens. The recruiters are working double time, trying to get us enough trustworthy men to field our own ships.”

Recruiters, huh? McCoy filed that away to tell Jim later. McCoy began to seal up the wound. As casually as he could, he said, “What do your recruiters look for? Maybe I know some people.”

“You’d have to talk to them for the specifics. I can ask someone to come around to talk to you. But we don’t take aliens. Human only. And we don’t take women. They’re not tough enough and they just distract the rest of us.” The young man paused, then added, “And I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t caucasian make it past the recruiters.” The young man shrugged. “If they can’t do the job, they’re out.”

McCoy had to bite back the sudden anger he felt, trying to concentrate on closing up the wound. If that wasn’t the most regressive pile of horseshit he’d heard in his entire life, he’d swallow the exam table whole. Luckily, he was almost finished-- when he was, he stood up, slapping the man cordially on the shoulder. “You’re good to go, son. Watch yourself in the future, and don’t make stupid mistakes.”

The young man nodded, grinning at McCoy and flexing his wrist. “Thanks. See you in the mess hall, Doc.”

McCoy grinned after him, only letting his scowl show once the door had closed behind him. He’d known about the xenophobia-- they’d all been briefed, but somehow he hadn’t expected it to be that casual. An explanation for everything. Orions were untrustworthy. Women weren’t tough enough. Only caucasians could pass whatever requirements they had. And the man had seemed to just… accept it, like it was a fact, even though all of that had been disproven by hundreds of years of scientific examination. What’s more, he seemed to think that McCoy would agree-- and McCoy himself hadn’t been in a position to make his disagreement known. Horseshit. He felt like he’d been rolled in it just because he’d stood by without pounding the man’s head in for his stupidity.

The door slid open again, and McCoy rearranged his face into neutrality. He couldn’t be caught being frustrated over this shit.

When he saw who entered, his eyebrows rose. A man with a phaser and body armor, obviously a guard, came in first, followed by a woman. She was followed by another guard, as if she was an escape risk. Once the door had closed, the two guards took up positions on either side of it, and the woman walked over to him, stopping just out of reach.

“What’s your problem?” McCoy said, and saw her flinch, as if his tone had frightened her.

“I’m… I’m having trouble breathing,” the woman said meekly. “It hurts.”

McCoy tried to make his voice gentler. “Get up on the table and I’ll take a look. Where does it hurt, exactly?”

The woman hesitated, glancing back at the guards, but did as she was directed. Once she’d lain down and indicated the spot, McCoy began to scan it. Broken rib. Must have been a day for broken bones. A loose splinter was scratching her left lung. “What happened?” McCoy asked, already suspecting the answer.

“Nothing, really. I was just… It was my fault.” Her voice was guilty, and she wouldn’t look McCoy in the eye. “I should have been happy for him.”

It was clear who the ‘him’ was. McCoy started to administer the anesthetics he’d need to work on her ribs. “Tell me if you feel anything, all right? I need to know.”

“Yes. Of course.” The woman lay still, obviously miserable… but not the kind of misery that Hardesty had. This was resigned, guilty, and even seemed as if she was more disappointed in herself than frightened of Loche. Hardesty’s misery was colder, somehow resistant, as if she had pulled into herself like a snail into its shell. Shaking away the mental image, McCoy set himself to open an incision so he could remove the bone splinter.

After a time, he asked, “When did this happen?”

The woman looked like she didn’t want to answer… and forced herself to answer anyway, clearly worrying about disobedience. “Two days ago,” she said. “When he found out his brute was coming back.”

It was easy enough to piece together what had happened from there. Loche had found Hardesty’s signal and said he would get her back, and this woman hadn’t been as happy as he’d liked, or something. The little tremble in her voice when she mentioned Hardesty, however…

“His brute? Who’s that?” McCoy asked, hoping she didn’t know that Loche had called Hardesty that in front of him.

Of course she didn’t know. Why would she know? The woman’s voice became weaker, her fear evident. “His favorite. She’s awful. Whenever anyone does something she doesn’t like, she hurts them.” The woman lifted her left hand, and McCoy felt the blood drain from his face when he saw it. Two of her fingers were missing. “She did this to me. I was just really hungry-- the ration bars don’t fill you up-- so I took some extra ones…” Her eyes started to tear up. “I… I couldn’t be happy enough when he said she was coming back. I don’t want her to be back. But he said without her we’ve all gotten disobedient, and he was unhappy with us. I just want him to be happy-- but not with her back, not her…” The words trailed off into suppressed sobs, the woman’s chest hitching.

McCoy had to stop working on her for a few moments while she regained her composure. He didn’t look at the covered figure in the cot. “You’re all right,” he said awkwardly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think you’ll need to worry about her.” The words tasted bitter in his mouth, but he said them anyway. “I can tell you’re a good girl. She’ll leave you alone.”

“Oh, I hope so,” the woman said fervently, and then fell silent. McCoy didn’t prod her further; she was distressed enough as it was, and he didn’t want to make it worse.

Once she was finished, he helped her up from the table, giving her an encouraging little smile. “You’ll be all right, kiddo. What’s your name?”

“Alethia,” the woman murmured, glancing nervously at the guards.

“Hmm. Truth. That’s a good name.” McCoy shook his head. “Well, Alethia, you need to rest up while that’s healing. Try to avoid any strenuous activity, and don’t wrap anything tight around your ribs. It needs room to heal.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said quickly, then stepped away toward the guards without a backward look, like she was fleeing toward safety as casually as she could.

It was only when he was disinfecting his hands afterward that he realized he’d been too friendly; she could get in trouble for encouraging him or something. Goddammit, this whole place was rotten to the core. And Hardesty… he’d been avoiding thinking about her. He and Claudia had known-- well, at least suspected strongly-- that the reason Hardesty couldn’t remember some of her captivity was because of things she had done, not because of things that had been done to her. When he’d sat in on her therapy sessions, he’d seen the crushing guilt she felt, and it was all out of proportion to the things she remembered. He’d discussed it with Claudia and they’d been trying to work out a plan to tease out those memories so that Hardesty could start to deal with them.

It was completely different to see proof. Having finished disinfecting his hands, McCoy walked over to lean against the examination table for a moment. He needed to just… work through this. Part of him was furious-- furious with Hardesty, at first, because she had done that horrible thing, but McCoy knew where his anger should be directed. Hardesty had been in fear of her life, and in fear of having to take more lives. The person responsible for that was Loche. All of this-- all the xenophobia and this madness with the women, this entire crazy rock and all the crazy people on it-- were his fault. He had created this. He was trying to grow it, to spread it. Maybe it hadn’t been his hand that held the knife, but it had definitely been his will behind it. McCoy knew that.

God, Jim couldn’t come soon enough. Hardesty hadn’t been exaggerating when she’d said this place was hell. McCoy stood away from the examination table and walked back over to the cot and the still form in it. She’d lived in this hell for nine months, as near as McCoy could figure. What would that even do to a person?

But he’d had his answer already. He’d seen her terror and anguish. And Jim… was going to come to the rescue, or at least try. McCoy wasn’t sure if this was the sort of place you could be rescued from. He shook his head, trying to clear away his thoughts. Jim was going to be on his way as soon as he could. That would have to be enough.

[captainsbabysitter-blog]

Space Princesses and Coffee Dates: Ch 2

So there’s probably going to be at least one more full chapter to this. Because @yourtropegirl asked for no smut, I might make an extra chapter at some point that can be read separately for those of you who would like that particular payoff.

First Chapter Here

Pairing: McKirk

Rating/Warnings: E for everyone. Fluff’s ahoy. Maybe some secondhand embarrassment.

Length: 1525 words

Summary: Here’s the date, guys! Enjoy awkward turtle Jim being precious.

The confirming text came a few hours later. ‘Sister said yes. Up for coffee in the morning?’

‘Coffee’s just about the only thing I *am* up for in the morning.’ And so what if he was picturing the way Bones’ eyes crinkled when he chuckled as Jim sent his reply.

He nearly choked on his mouthful of coffee when Len’s answer came back as ‘That’s a shame.’

“You okay, keptin?” Pavel’s voice carried across the room.

“He’s texting that doctor,” Sulu smirked. No one should look that smug when failing to fix an espresso machine. “Sounds like he’s better at flirting than we thought.”

A groan from the Russian preceded a $5 bill being slid across the counter. Sulu’s smug factor ramped up another couple notches as he pocketed it.

Jim tried to find it in himself to be offended. “You placed a bet on that?”

“What else are we going to do?” Sulu shrugged. Quiet curses were immediately followed by a resigned grumble. “Pav call Scotty. This stupid thing won’t work. With any luck, he’ll get in tonight.”

“Have fun with that,” Jim grinned while he tapped away at his phone. “I’m gonna lock up. You have your keys? Ny’s cat buried Spock’s somewhere and he can’t find them. You’ll have to let both of you in in the morning.”

“Yeah, alright,” Sulu waved him off absently, still not entirely content to leave the ill-behaved machine alone. “Have fun on your date. We expect details.”

“A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“Good thing you’ve never been described as ladylike in your life.”

Jim had a good chuckle at that as he hit most of the lights and locked the door behind him.

~*~*~

The next morning was largely spent getting ready. Under normal circumstances, Jim relied almost exclusively on his charm and how good his ass looked in jeans, but something about the way Bones flirted so casually twisted his tongue and his gut in knots while sending his heart thrumming against his ribcage. It had him standing in front of his closet, wide awake and just a little manic, at 6am. Two hours should be long enough to find something to wear, right? His thoughts were interrupted by several rapid-fire alerts from his phone.

‘You’ll be fine.’ Of course Ny would’ve heard. ‘Don’t overthink it and just be yourself.’

‘Nyota has informed me I should wish you well on your date.’

‘She said I should wish you luck, but as I don’t believe in it I saw little point.’

That was the tension break Jim needed. He laughed to himself and sent off a couple quick ‘Thanks, guys’ and turned back to his choices. It was just a coffee date, not dinner out somewhere nice so slacks seemed a bit much. Ass-hugging jeans it was, then. He chewed on his lip a bit as he debated between t-shirt and a button-up.

He snagged his phone from where he’d tossed it on the bed and took a couple pics to send to Uhura. ‘Ny I’m hopeless help?’

‘Oh my god, do you love this guy or something? You’re just going for coffee, right?’

‘Yeah at that café down the street from my place.’

‘Go with the t-shirt, but wear that leather jacket.’

‘Thanks. You’re the best.’

‘I know.’

Once the clothes were laid out on the bed, Jim hopped in the shower. His hair was styled meticulously, toothbrush sticking out of his mouth as his attention waffled between hygiene routines.

Ny knew exactly what she was talking about. Once Jim shrugged the leather jacket onto his shoulders and turned every which way in front of the mirror on the back of his door, he had to admit she was right. The jeans and t-shirt hugged his body nicely and the jacket was just loose enough. Together they looked thrown together enough to be casual for the setting, but definitely good enough to be worn on a date. He ran a hand over his chin just once more to make sure he didn’t miss a spot shaving before he booked it out the door. Just a few minutes to 8; if he left now, he’d make it to the café in time.

Len was leaning against the wall just beside the door waiting for him when Jim finally came up, and the blond felt his mouth run dry; those jeans should be illegal and the way he had the sleeves rolled up and the top couple buttons undone was just downright sinful. He’d let his stubble grow in again, and Jim had to admit the effect was stunning. He enjoyed the view for another couple moments before Len glanced his way and smiled.

“Hey, Bones!” Did he sound as jittery as he thought he sounded? He hoped not. Not when Bones looked cool as a cucumber.

“Morning, Jim.” Len pushed away from the wall as Jim drew closer. “Ready to head in?”

The grin he gave in response was cheeky. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

They put in their orders at the counter and settled themselves at a table on the terrace. The sun was coming up over the trees, and there was a soft bite to the air that said fall was coming. Jim found himself looking around, hands fidgeting and leg bouncing as he struggled to remember any of the roughly fifty million conversation starters he’d thought up since the night before.

Bones didn’t seem like he was about to let that go. He ran his eyes over Jim’s shifting form for just a second before he reached over to snag his hand. “You nervous, Jimmy?”

“Are you not?”

“Honestly? This is the first date I’ve been on since before Jo was born. I think my heart’s about to hop out’ve my throat.”

“Glad I’m not the only one!”

Both of them laughing finally cuts the tension and conversation flows easily. Len asked about how Jim came to own Enterprise Books at such a young age (inherited from his adopted father), Jim asked some questions about his daughter.

“Her mother got primary custody and I let Joss have the house so Jo wouldn’t have to move somewhere different. Us splitting was nasty enough even if she was only a newborn when it was all happening.”

Jim let out a low whistle. “Wow, that sounds rough. If she had primary custody, how’d the munchkin come to live here with you?”

“There was a car accident. Joss was on her way to get Jo from daycare about a year ago and a car drifted into her lane going something like double the speed limit. You got the bookstore from your adoptive dad? What happened to your birth parents?”

“Father died the day I was born, mum didn’t handle it well, and Uncle Frank’s drunk ass was the reason dad won custody without much of a fight. He was one of my father’s army buddies, I guess.”

“And where is he now?”

A slow smile crept to Jim’s lips as he leaned in. “Why? Looking to meet the parents already? Dad retired, his husband is still a doctor.”

“Oh, so you’re just taking after your dad and chasing a doctor, huh?” Apparently two can play the teasing game. Len rested his chin in his hand and ran his eyes over Jim’s form. “Granted, you’d make a perfect trophy husband, kid.”

“Depends. You still in your residency? Can’t afford much of a trophy husband if you are.”

“If I were still in my residency, do you think I’d have so much spare time to hang around the store flirting?”

That startles him a bit. Honestly, Jim hadn’t noticed. “You were flirting?”

Len nodded and took a sip of his coffee, offering up a smile to the girl who came out to refill their cups. “Thanks. And yeah, Jim, I was flirting with you. I think. I’m not great at it, apparently.”

“I’m just oblivious, I guess.”

The rest of breakfast was spent chatting about light topics of interest. Jim found himself falling hard and fast as he listened to stories about Len’s childhood in Georgia, his quick yet difficult skip through his undergrad and med school (seriously, who finishes their residency before 28?), and everything that led him here to San Francisco. In turn, Jim told him about Iowa, his rather impressive track record of runaways and misdemeanors before he even hit his teens, and how he came to live with Chris when he was just shy of 10 years old. Len leaned forward intently as Jim regaled him with the story of how Chris and Phil met.

“They didn’t waste any time, did they?” Len chuckled.

“No, they didn’t,” Jim agreed before he drew his lip between his teeth in thought. “Y’know… Neither should we. If you’re interested, I mean, my place is just down the block…”

He shifted a bit under Len’s suddenly intense gaze. Had he misread the whole situation? Maybe this really was just supposed to be them meeting up as friends and he’d assumed too much.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Jim blinked at him in surprise. “Really?”

“Lead the way, o captain, my captain.”

Tagging: @mccoymostly @thevalesofanduin @emmkolenn @thinkwritexpress-official @auduna-druitt @pinkamour1588 @southernbellestatues @thislovelymaelstrom

[loseyourkeys]

Times like these, I'm happy this is an anonymous, random, place, for me to talk. A good secret. One of the few I've kept. Now that my page views are net zero, and not even bots stop by here, I feel like it’s safe to write again in my secret corner of the internet.

Since I always turn off social media the last 3 weeks of treatment (due to usually being far too emo and exploding online), I’ve had time to sit and evaluate what’s happened over the past 7-8 months and what I learned. The smoke has cleared, and it doesn’t matter what HE did or didn’t do anymore. Learning my part in the destruction of he and I is important. 

I started the relationship at a time when I could not be authentic with anyone, so maybe it was doomed from the jump. I used to write here about how I hated pushing him away and being incredulously private about dating him. I wasn’t ashamed or interested in anyone else, I just was terrified to lose him. In the first few months, he loved me so much, he was completely in. He looked me in the eyes and told me so every chance he got. The thought of losing that … Well, it doesn’t matter now  I guess. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend, I initially said no and just said I wasn't ready. That was a lie. Every bone in my body wanted him to be with me, but I knew I had skipped a meeting so that I could get ready to see him, even after having an episode the day or so before. I was so conflicted and instead of managing it, I skipped and hid. But it was all I could think about... and the thought of him commiting like that, when he had no idea, felt wrong. It itself felt like a lie. I knew if I didn’t stash and bury all of this … garbage, he’d leave. He’d lie about a bunch of dumb stuff, so I just repressed it all together and called it even.  And …  in acting like that … I did make him leave. I own that and it’s one of the most painful lessons I’ve ever learned. I have a habit of getting in periods of mental collapse and trying to hide all the symptoms so much that it built a framework for an entirely different person who wasn’t me. Even a little lie, like, “oh yeah, I was so busy today and did XYZ” - not “something triggered me and I cried until 2pm and went to a meeting”. I couldn’t say ... hey, let me figure out some stuff and then I can be as devoted to this as I desperately want to be. I thought he wouldn’t wait - and why would he? Half of my brain spent 12 hours a day planning our future wedding, looking at future houses, and daydreaming about this man who felt like home from the second I met him… the other 12, I spent in a mental prison because I backed myself into a corner over the first 3 months. I so desperately wanted to start new with what I learned and be better for us. 

I felt... well, if he knows what’s going on.... if he knows what I’m struggling with or what I know my demons are, he won’t want any of it anymore. When quite the opposite was probably true, but I thought I knew better. I tried to manipulate the rest and hoped I’d figure it out some day. Not smart. 

There was a night in December we were snowed in. I watched his chest rise and fall as he slept and thought … I want this forever. It killed me inside because I knew he’d leave eventually. I knew I had sabotaged too much. In the beginning, I knew I’d love him and he’d be important to me, but I didn’t know how deep that would go. I wasn’t expecting to have this person who I’d put in my will and at one point, want a baby and a life with. It never occurred to me that a person like that would exist until it was too late. I was fucked. So I held on LIKE HELL and hoped I was wrong. I hoped I’d be able to sit and level with him one day, but why would I deserve that? Why would he want to be with someone who had all of this going on, with no handle on it? Fuck, I loved him so much. Like, this terrifying kind of love that I felt with every part of my body. I started to rely on turning my phone over when I woke up every morning, to a text or meme about god knows what, and laughing hysterically. This reason for me to work out, buy new dresses, fix my house to stay, and give him everything. I had to be better, it was an investment … but at that point, it was too late. 

Then it came crashing. I realized that I’m done thinking/writing about and focusing on his faults and things he did that hurt me/us. He’s gone, he’s not around - but I have to spend every day with myself and in my head, so I have to learn from that instead. 

Why do I have such a deep seeded issue with authenticity? Why do I let it destroy everything I build? Is it this fear of feeling stagnant and boring, or unrelateable, unlikable, etc? I have a lot of great, incredible, true things about my life --- but instead of letting that run the ship, I/my depression convince/s myself it’s still not good enough and end up living like someone else completely. I currently (technically) work 3 different jobs, most of which no one understands, and is unrelateable. I do not have to work a busy amount of hours to get by. I have no routine and nothing in between. I think that was part of my problem since moving back. Too much free time for my head, and not taking care of my health like I should have been. 

A fact, I go to a support group 5 times a week for recovering self harmers. I used to go 2 times a week, alternating with days of my dance classes, but while in treatment, I know my weaknesses. It’s one of the only things I can actually say that I’ve stuck with - sometimes not as much as I should. A year ago, a week after treatment and hormone replacement, I relapsed. I went absolutely, bat shit, insane. The hormones made my hair fall out and I looked straight up like Gollum, so that didn’t help either. I ended upbreaking up with the guy (a doctor, so he would’ve understood) I had been with for months because it was easier than telling him what happened and hiding the physical proof of it. I have this problem of deciding what people can or can’t handle, and now they will or won’t react - trying to control and manipulate that - instead of letting them do it themselves. Is it a control or shame issue? Where is it rooted?

I always had some long excuse for why nothing in my house was getting done, why dust piled up, or projects went unfinished … instead of saying … I had a bad week with my depression, I spent almost a week in bed, and nearly relapsed. And why would I? I had every single reason to be happy in my life - a man, a future that’s real … I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, yet I still deeply struggle with this... inbalance. WHY?

I know that part of it has to do with me not *creating* anything for a long time. No music, no podcast or poetry, nothing real and not related to my job. That’s one goal I have for this summer - commit to creating something on a regular basis. Even if no one sees or listens to it. 

Tomorrow is the start of my last radiation cycle. I followed what I learned last time and turned off all my social media for the last 3 weeks of treatment because of my late-night emo, medicated, hormonal, posting problems. It’s been nice. Then I go to Maine for a few months to sort my head out before I self destruct. If I want to have another man like my ex, I can’t start and maintain it the way I did with him. It’s not sustainable and fuck if I have to feel this type of pain ever again. No man is going to cure what’s going on in my head - but it is a part of me that I have to live with and be honest about. If they can’t understand, or simply don’t want to, then that’s okay. But I can’t hide it all anymore. It’s too much.

The worst part about breakups are the little things. The shade of green you can’t look at without thinking of them, or the songs that come on Spotify that you only have because they’re his favorites, or the little things you find around your house that you remember him holding, buying, or fixing. The inside jokes you have that swirl in your head when you see something in the news, or the shudder you feel when you’re on a date and they order your ex’s favorite drink. Like paper cuts, the little things burn the most. You think … do they think of me like that? 

I’ve only fallen asleep 3 times while writing this, which is a new personal record for the month. Anti nausea meds have my eyes heavy and I should probably give in for a few hours. One day at a time. 

[marymosley]

How to Obtain a Student Loan Without A Cosigner

With the cost of law school on the rise, many students need to bridge the gap between scholarships and financial aid with loans, first federal and then private. Unfortunately, about 90% of new private student loans require a cosigner. In the absence of a willing or qualified cosigner, though, the good news is there are private lenders who will give out non-cosigned students loans.

Many of the lenders we list later in this article will offer loans to students with a caveat or two—namely, that you have a decent credit score,  good credit history and that you meet any other credit requirements established by the bank. Others judge your future earning capacity to ensure that you’ll be in a good position to repay them. Thankfully, as a graduate student, you’ll have had a few years to build your credit history and pay off credit cards such that the credit check should deliver good news. 

Before you go shopping for the loan, prepare yourself for the private loan application and selection process to save time, hassle and money. We’ve included some helpful tips for you as you look for the best ways to finance your education. 

How to shop for a student loan without a co-signer

Start with federal student loans. 

Fill out the FAFSA (Free application for federal student aid) to apply for federal loans to initial meet your financial need. These loans, which are provided by the government, usually have low interest rates that are better than many private lenders. Direct unsubsidized loans are the most common and lowest-cost ways to cover graduate school costs.

Plan to take out direct loans before you move on to private loans as they are often more flexible and affordable. Federal loans are also eligible for income driven repayment and several different loan forgiveness programs, which will be important if you decide to take a public sector job. 

Private loans can help you make up the cost of attendance difference between what federal loans will cover and what you need to pay for school. Be advised that private lenders don’t offer any loan forgiveness programs and normally don’t offer income-based repayment options. So, private student loan companies should be considered a lender of last resort but I know that many of you will need more money than your Stafford loans and Plus loans offer.

Related: How to Pay for Law School

Get your credit in order. 

At the end of the day, lenders want to make sure that you can pay back the money that they lend you. The more creditworthy you are when you apply, the better your chances of approval and the lower your interest rates will be. 

Check your credit score early and often as you prepare to apply for private student loans. Aim for a 690 or better FICO credit score to get the best loan terms. 

Raise your credit score by disputing and correcting any errors on your credit report.

Pay your bills on time and keep your credit utilization low. Try not to spend more than 30% of your available credit at a given time, and try not to open too many new accounts. Taken together, these factors make up the majority of your credit score. 

Compare apples to apples. 

Take some time to go over the fine print of each loan offer. Obviously, lower interest rates will be more attractive, but also consider if there are additional student loan options that may suit you. 

The option to postpone payments of the entire loan amount (e.g. hardship or deferment) may be something that may be important to you down the road. Also look at any application, origination, or late fees. See if your lender has any prepayment penalties and take them all into account as you figure out what the true cost of your loan will be. 

When you receive all of the terms of your potential loan, use a student loan calculator to see exactly how much you can expect to pay each month. Factor in your APR’s, any fees or discounts and all of your repayment options to get a clear picture of what you’ll be facing when you graduate.

Look for a fixed interest rate.

While provide student loans will offer higher interest rates, a fixed interest rate (as opposed to a variable rate) will make sure that your loan repayment doesn’t increase over time. While I’m generally a fan of variable interest rates once you’re in the mode of paying off your loan, I think you can only make that decision once you’ve established your income and have regular recurring checks deposited into your checking account. For now, I’d stick with the fixed interest rate to ensure that you’re comfortable making monthly automatic payments under your repayment plan as soon as you graduate.

Think about refinancing in the future. 

After graduation you may be able to refinance your student loan debt and secure a lower interest rate. Going through the effort of refinancing can save you money by reducing your monthly payments and it’s typically easy to check rates using a tool like Credible where you can check a bunch of interest rates at the same time.

Private lenders offering student loans without a cosigner

Now that you know what to look for to secure the best loan terms, here are some lenders to consider. All of these listed lenders provide private student loans to graduate students without a cosigner. You’ll find the most lenient, accessible lenders at the top of the list, though. 

Ascent

Ascent offers non-cosigned private student loans. Their fixed rates start at 4.09% and cap at 13.03%. If you’re an upperclassmen or graduate student without a credit history, you may want to check out an Ascent loan. 

The main issue with Ascent is their high interest rates. Those high rates are due to the fact that Ascent only requires a relatively low credit score of 540. Also, you don’t need you to have any income or cosigner when you apply. Rather than relying solely on your current financial situation, Ascent considers your future earning potential when they assess your ability to repay their loans. Their approval process will take into account your future earning potential rather than your current creditworthiness. 

Ascent will also allow you to defer your loans while you’re in school. When you’re ready to repay, enrolling in auto-pay will net you a 1% cash back incentive or a .25% interest rate discount.

Sallie Mae

Sallie Mae is the top private student loan lender in the US. They offer private loans to most graduate students without a cosigner. Good credit is necessary for all applicants, but graduate students are still likely to get approved. 

CommonBond

CommonBond provides loans to both undergraduate and graduate students. In many cases, they’ll lend to graduate students—especially those enrolled in med school—with requiring a cosigner. 

CommonBond also offers a low origination fee and several different repayment options, including a residency deferral so that you can manage your loans gradually as you enter the workforce. 

Citizen’s Bank

Citizen’s Bank will also lend to graduate students without a cosigner. They do require that you have good credit, but will not charge you and application or origination fees. 

They offer lengthy repayment terms, from 5-15 years depending on how much you borrow. Citizen’s Bank will shave up to .25% off of your interest rate if you enroll in autopay. You can earn an additional .25% interest rate discount if you already have another account with them. 

Discover

Discover will establish private student loans without a cosigner, but they do insist on good credit. If your credit history isn’t established or your credit score isn’t high enough, Discover will require a cosigner. International students can apply for loans from Discover, but they must be secured by a cosigner who is a US citizen. 

MPOWER

MPOWER offers private student loans to international students or students with DACA (deferred action for Childhood arrivals) status. MPOWER offers 7.52% to 13.63% interest rates for individuals from 180 different countries. DACA students don’t need a social security number to qualify and MPOWER doesn’t require an established credit history for approval. 

How to shop around for the best deal

Once you’ve reached the maximum federal loans provided through the department of education, private lenders offer some competitive selections to make sure that you have the money that you need for tuition. The private loan options listed in this article offer a great way to finance your education.

Before starting the application process, make sure you have everything in order for your applications. Every lender wants to know what risk they’ll take on by lending money to a client, so making sure that you’re creditworthy is valuable to everyone on this list. Sallie Mae and Ascent offer loans to most graduate students, but you’ll improve your chances of approval and get better rates with a higher credit score and good credit history. MPOWER and Discover will provide private student loans to international students and those with DACA status. MPOWER doesn’t need a cosigner to do this. 

The other three lenders—CommonBond, Citizen’s Bank and Discover—will lend to graduates student who have good credit. To make their programs stand out, Citizen’s Bank and Ascent will even provide incentives like cash back or a discount on your interest rate to encourage timely repayment of your loan. CommonBond offers a residency deferral program for med school students.  

In short, it’s possible to secure student loans without a cosigner, and as an independent student you do have some choices. Each of these lenders is available to help you bridge the gap towards financing your professional education on your own. Weigh their requirements and benefits so that you’re able to find the best loans for your needs.

Originally posted on How to Obtain a Student Loan Without A Cosigner

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How to Obtain a Student Loan Without A Cosigner published first on https://immigrationlawyerto.tumblr.com/

[starcitizenprivateer]

Q&A: RSI Apollo

Q&A: RSI Apollo

Following the launch of the Apollo from Roberts Space Industries, we took your community-voted questions to our designers to give you more information on the recently unveiled medical ship.

If you haven’t watched our recent Ship Shape on the Apollo, you can do so here. Then, on Reverse the Verse, Corentin Billemont, John Crewe, and Paul Jones answered questions about the Apollo live on Twitch.

Special thanks to John Crewe for providing the latest interior plan as linked below.

Will there be any interactive ‘doctor’ gameplay to healing in med bays and first aid, or will it be automatic based on the tier of healing?

The design for doctor/medical gameplay is not fully signed off, but it currently has interactive elements to it. One of the things that we always want to do with Star Citizen is to make player interactions physical rather than just pressing a button and walking away, an example being the current mining loop that requires a level of constant control instead of automatic extraction.

What happens to the player while they’re waiting to be picked up, transported, and healed – are they just sitting there doing nothing the whole time?

Currently, the plan is for the player to be physically immobilized during pickup, transportation, and healing. However, during the implementation process, we will review whether this is too much and if we need to provide some level of interaction. During these ‘down’ times, we’ll make sure the player has access to feedback notifying them of their current state and an indicator showing the rough time until the next state.

Will NPCs requiring treatment spawn in your ship?

We don’t plan on this being a natural occurrence, as having six random NPCs suddenly turn up on your ship requiring treatment without warning would be a pretty unnerving experience. However, NPCs can be collected via drone and treated on your ship as a result of interactions you make, be it specific medical mission participation or as you respond to other relevant beacons.

Can the Apollo expel players who refuse to leave after being healed?

The Apollo itself provides no specific method for doing this, but we expect owners will find their own unique ways to remove uncooperative patients!

‘Search and rescue’ gameplay involves a lot of looking and finding. How do the scanners on the Apollo compare to scanners on other ships, specifically the Terrapin and Cutlass Red, whose brochures and ship pages advertise that they can also be used as search and rescue craft?

The Terrapin and Cutlass Red both have medium scanners, whereas the Apollo has a large one, like the Carrack and some of the other bigger ships. While they both do the same things and can be used for the same purposes, large scanners have a higher range/spread and give more accurate details.

What happens to injured players who refuse to pay after being healed?

In order to prevent abuse, we expect to require players to pre-pay in aUEC/UEC for treatment. It could be a voluntarily choice for conscious players, and be tied into the pre-accident request to respawn at an Apollo for those more gravely injured.

What tier of beds will capital ship med bays have? Will they still rely on medical ship support?

It depends on the ship in question, but a ship with a dedicated medical bay will generally have a high tier bed to provide full medical support. Bear in mind that this will be of limited use if the ship itself is critically damaged and the crew is injured. It is unlikely that capital ships will have enough high tier beds to support serious recovery for the entire crew simultaneously (with the exception of those dedicated to the role, like the Endeavor Hope).

Are there injuries that the Apollo cannot fix but the Endeavor can?

Assuming the Apollo is equipped with the best tier of beds available, then it can fix the same injuries as the Endeavor as the functionality per bed is the same. However, the Endeavor won’t have a loadout as limited as the Apollo, so can heal more people simultaneously.

Will there be more variants of the Apollo, for example police/military/fighter/transporter?

There are no plans for further RSI Apollo variants outside of the Medivac and Triage. We want this ship to stay focused on its current role.

Can we sleep in a hospital bed to log off?

This is not something we currently plan on allowing, but we’ll review it as the gameplay comes online.

Since the ship only supports two crew members, does it mean we are limited to a pilot and a doctor as crew (it would be helpful if the crew positions/roles could be fleshed out more for us)?

We don’t see the roles being as strict as just ‘pilot and doctor’ and envisage both players taking part in recovery and treatment. While landed or docked in space, both crew can safely help. However, there is nothing to stop the pilot leaving their seat to help while the ship is flying (ideally in safe space!).

If the Apollo has tier 1 beds to allow respawning, will it also get a beacon for that like the Endeavor?

Yes, the beacon described in the Endeavor Q&A is very similar to our current Service Beacons and requests for medical assistance will be done through those.

Will there be a cooldown on respawns for an individual player, or will it be limited by the resources carried on the Apollo?

There will likely be a cooldown period to promote the concept of death having serious consequences, but it will also be limited by the medical resources carried on the Apollo. While you could respawn multiple times on the same Apollo in the same game session, the overall respawn amount will be limited by the resources that the ship has available. Each spawn or recovery will use an amount of the equipment/consumables required for medical gameplay.

How do you envision the balance between medical gameplay and time to kill (TTK)? Turning players into the kind of bullet sponges that facilitate the different stages of injuries and healing doesn’t make for a fun FPS experience, while having a shorter TTK results in players dying too quickly to use anything other than tier 1 recovery.

TTK will be increased as we bring more features online. However, we’ll be constantly reviewing and amending the features that contribute to it to ensure all related gameplay feels as fun and immersive as possible. In previous releases, our TTK was quite high, but the UI gave very little feedback to the players about what was going on. This gave a poor feeling to both parties, but there are lots of systems due to be implemented that will prevent this from happening again.

What’s the advantage of the Apollo in comparison to a medical bay you can find on ships like the Carrack?

The Apollo’s medical bay can hold more people than a non-medical focused ship (outside some of the capital ships mentioned above) and its modularity allows it to heal in ways the vast majority of ships can’t.

Will tier 1 medical bays support everything the lower tiers do?

Superior tiers will include all the functionality of lesser tiers. An interesting decision for the player will come in how they configure their bays – having higher tier beds limits the number of people you can heal and using them to provide lower tier healing could be a waste of time, space, and resources.

Does removing the medical modules increase the amount of SCU that can be used for cargo?

The medical bays can’t be removed, so the maximum cargo capacity will still be 28 SCU.

Can bounty hunters and slavers use the drones to retrieve unconscious hostile players?

The drones simply require the patient to be immobilized/unconscious, what you do with them after that is up to you! The Apollo does not lock people into the medical beds, so unless you constantly monitor them they will either die from their injuries or wake up and become mobile again and require further restraining.

Will the Apollo have outlaw applications, such as harvesting organs and limbs of PCs and NPCs captured, to further add depth/profit to bounty hunting/assassination missions?

Organ harvesting is not something we currently plan to support in medical gameplay!

Will pulling high g-forces affect patients on board? If so, how are they affected?

We want the patients to stay in a state as stable as possible and the medical beds are designed to avoid this kind of thing (outside of catastrophic events, obviously). Long-term plans are for all players onboard all ships to be subject to g-force relevant to how the ship is being flown. Being restrained in either a seat or bed will mitigate this somewhat.

Can Apollo owners set their ship to not be an active spawn point when they don’t want people arriving on their ship?

For patients who are not in your friend list/party, retrieving them is an active process using the drone. You will have to actively accept missions or go to beacons to recover non-party members, so there’s no need to switch your ship off as a spawn point. However, when playing in a party (and the requirements to respawn are met, such as distance and capacity), players will automatically be given the option to respawn aboard your ship.

Are medical consumables (hoses, sterilized needles, drugs, tools, blood/plasma, etc.) stored in the med bay, or do they take up space in the cargo hold?

Medical consumables must be stored in the cargo hold, but the plan is to balance it so that even on an intensive medical mission, you’ll still have room for regular cargo if you wish. On the flipside, you may want to run with minimal medical supplies to just offer a couple of healing sessions and instead attempt cargo missions to generate additional income that way.

   $(function() {      Page.init();  window.Page = new RSI.Game.About();      });    

[sad-ch1ld]

via RSI Comm-Link

Q&A: RSI Apollo

Following the launch of the Apollo from Roberts Space Industries, we took your community-voted questions to our designers to give you more information on the recently unveiled medical ship.

If you haven’t watched our recent Ship Shape on the Apollo, you can do so here. Then, on Reverse the Verse, Corentin Billemont, John Crewe, and Paul Jones answered questions about the Apollo live on Twitch.

Special thanks to John Crewe for providing the latest interior plan as linked below.

Will there be any interactive ‘doctor’ gameplay to healing in med bays and first aid, or will it be automatic based on the tier of healing?

The design for doctor/medical gameplay is not fully signed off, but it currently has interactive elements to it. One of the things that we always want to do with Star Citizen is to make player interactions physical rather than just pressing a button and walking away, an example being the current mining loop that requires a level of constant control instead of automatic extraction.

What happens to the player while they’re waiting to be picked up, transported, and healed – are they just sitting there doing nothing the whole time?

Currently, the plan is for the player to be physically immobilized during pickup, transportation, and healing. However, during the implementation process, we will review whether this is too much and if we need to provide some level of interaction. During these ‘down’ times, we’ll make sure the player has access to feedback notifying them of their current state and an indicator showing the rough time until the next state.

Will NPCs requiring treatment spawn in your ship?

We don’t plan on this being a natural occurrence, as having six random NPCs suddenly turn up on your ship requiring treatment without warning would be a pretty unnerving experience. However, NPCs can be collected via drone and treated on your ship as a result of interactions you make, be it specific medical mission participation or as you respond to other relevant beacons.

Can the Apollo expel players who refuse to leave after being healed?

The Apollo itself provides no specific method for doing this, but we expect owners will find their own unique ways to remove uncooperative patients!

‘Search and rescue’ gameplay involves a lot of looking and finding. How do the scanners on the Apollo compare to scanners on other ships, specifically the Terrapin and Cutlass Red, whose brochures and ship pages advertise that they can also be used as search and rescue craft?

The Terrapin and Cutlass Red both have medium scanners, whereas the Apollo has a large one, like the Carrack and some of the other bigger ships. While they both do the same things and can be used for the same purposes, large scanners have a higher range/spread and give more accurate details.

What happens to injured players who refuse to pay after being healed?

In order to prevent abuse, we expect to require players to pre-pay in aUEC/UEC for treatment. It could be a voluntarily choice for conscious players, and be tied into the pre-accident request to respawn at an Apollo for those more gravely injured.

What tier of beds will capital ship med bays have? Will they still rely on medical ship support?

It depends on the ship in question, but a ship with a dedicated medical bay will generally have a high tier bed to provide full medical support. Bear in mind that this will be of limited use if the ship itself is critically damaged and the crew is injured. It is unlikely that capital ships will have enough high tier beds to support serious recovery for the entire crew simultaneously (with the exception of those dedicated to the role, like the Endeavor Hope).

Are there injuries that the Apollo cannot fix but the Endeavor can?

Assuming the Apollo is equipped with the best tier of beds available, then it can fix the same injuries as the Endeavor as the functionality per bed is the same. However, the Endeavor won’t have a loadout as limited as the Apollo, so can heal more people simultaneously.

Will there be more variants of the Apollo, for example police/military/fighter/transporter?

There are no plans for further RSI Apollo variants outside of the Medivac and Triage. We want this ship to stay focused on its current role.

Can we sleep in a hospital bed to log off?

This is not something we currently plan on allowing, but we’ll review it as the gameplay comes online.

Since the ship only supports two crew members, does it mean we are limited to a pilot and a doctor as crew (it would be helpful if the crew positions/roles could be fleshed out more for us)?

We don’t see the roles being as strict as just ‘pilot and doctor’ and envisage both players taking part in recovery and treatment. While landed or docked in space, both crew can safely help. However, there is nothing to stop the pilot leaving their seat to help while the ship is flying (ideally in safe space!).

If the Apollo has tier 1 beds to allow respawning, will it also get a beacon for that like the Endeavor?

Yes, the beacon described in the Endeavor Q&A is very similar to our current Service Beacons and requests for medical assistance will be done through those.

Will there be a cooldown on respawns for an individual player, or will it be limited by the resources carried on the Apollo?

There will likely be a cooldown period to promote the concept of death having serious consequences, but it will also be limited by the medical resources carried on the Apollo. While you could respawn multiple times on the same Apollo in the same game session, the overall respawn amount will be limited by the resources that the ship has available. Each spawn or recovery will use an amount of the equipment/consumables required for medical gameplay.

How do you envision the balance between medical gameplay and time to kill (TTK)? Turning players into the kind of bullet sponges that facilitate the different stages of injuries and healing doesn’t make for a fun FPS experience, while having a shorter TTK results in players dying too quickly to use anything other than tier 1 recovery.

TTK will be increased as we bring more features online. However, we’ll be constantly reviewing and amending the features that contribute to it to ensure all related gameplay feels as fun and immersive as possible. In previous releases, our TTK was quite high, but the UI gave very little feedback to the players about what was going on. This gave a poor feeling to both parties, but there are lots of systems due to be implemented that will prevent this from happening again.

What’s the advantage of the Apollo in comparison to a medical bay you can find on ships like the Carrack?

The Apollo’s medical bay can hold more people than a non-medical focused ship (outside some of the capital ships mentioned above) and its modularity allows it to heal in ways the vast majority of ships can’t.

Will tier 1 medical bays support everything the lower tiers do?

Superior tiers will include all the functionality of lesser tiers. An interesting decision for the player will come in how they configure their bays – having higher tier beds limits the number of people you can heal and using them to provide lower tier healing could be a waste of time, space, and resources.

Does removing the medical modules increase the amount of SCU that can be used for cargo?

The medical bays can’t be removed, so the maximum cargo capacity will still be 28 SCU.

Can bounty hunters and slavers use the drones to retrieve unconscious hostile players?

The drones simply require the patient to be immobilized/unconscious, what you do with them after that is up to you! The Apollo does not lock people into the medical beds, so unless you constantly monitor them they will either die from their injuries or wake up and become mobile again and require further restraining.

Will the Apollo have outlaw applications, such as harvesting organs and limbs of PCs and NPCs captured, to further add depth/profit to bounty hunting/assassination missions?

Organ harvesting is not something we currently plan to support in medical gameplay!

Will pulling high g-forces affect patients on board? If so, how are they affected?

We want the patients to stay in a state as stable as possible and the medical beds are designed to avoid this kind of thing (outside of catastrophic events, obviously). Long-term plans are for all players onboard all ships to be subject to g-force relevant to how the ship is being flown. Being restrained in either a seat or bed will mitigate this somewhat.

Can Apollo owners set their ship to not be an active spawn point when they don’t want people arriving on their ship?

For patients who are not in your friend list/party, retrieving them is an active process using the drone. You will have to actively accept missions or go to beacons to recover non-party members, so there’s no need to switch your ship off as a spawn point. However, when playing in a party (and the requirements to respawn are met, such as distance and capacity), players will automatically be given the option to respawn aboard your ship.

Are medical consumables (hoses, sterilized needles, drugs, tools, blood/plasma, etc.) stored in the med bay, or do they take up space in the cargo hold?

Medical consumables must be stored in the cargo hold, but the plan is to balance it so that even on an intensive medical mission, you’ll still have room for regular cargo if you wish. On the flipside, you may want to run with minimal medical supplies to just offer a couple of healing sessions and instead attempt cargo missions to generate additional income that way.

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[Legacy content] My Hero Academia - Episode 08

You know, I’m not so much mad that there was no sandwich bread in the house this morning. I’m mad that the mini donuts I had to get at the gas station instead for breakfast were so fucking shitty. …Anyways, it’s My Hero Academia, episode 08! Here we GO!

-We see, that scene we’ve seen so many times before. That time in the forest, between Katsuki and Izuku…And then…The Detroit SMASH, the one where Izuku tanked his opponent’s attack, to throw his teammate an opportunity to claim the victory. And Katsuki seeing, up close, what Izuku’s power, what taking that fire, did to his body. And then, seeing those eyes…That damned determination in the face of everything…

-As Izuku’s body shuts down…Katsuki’s brain basically cracks like a fuckin’ egg.

-Opening!

-And the hero team is declared victorious…As Izuku passes out, and Ochaco is fighting to keep lunch inside of her. (Also to Tenya’s credit, he breaks character immediately to help her out. You’re a good man, Tenya.) And everyone in the monitoring room is just staring, really seeing what this kind of thing means. The kind of stakes of even something like this…Izuku has to be carried out of there by robots. While Katsuki…Katsuki is really not taking things well. But it turns out I gave him far, far too much credit.

-See, I thought he was freaking out at the extent of Izuku’s injuries. I thought he was seeing the kind of injury that came out of his effort to be the big scary bully, and had his eyes opened to how he can’t fuck around like that anymore. A crisis of conscience as his heart grew three sizes that day. Hahaha nooooooo. This fucko just is freaking out because little Deku won through his head. And then as he’s in total freakout mode…That’s when All Might tries to calm him down, telling him to come back and see the results. Whether you win or lose, seeing what you can do to improve is an important part of life.

-Episode 08! Bakugo’s Start Line.

-And it’s in the monitoring room…Where All Might declares Tenya the MVP of the match! Who can tell him why he made this decision, hmm?

-It’s…Skimpy-outfit-girl, who figures it out. Tenya adjusted his plans actively and on the fly based on the actual goal he was given(that is, “protect the bomb”), doing his best to achieve his actual goal. He also took into context his opponents’ abilities, doing his best within time and circumstances to tilt the playing field in his favor by removing the miscellaneous debris that Ochaco could have used with her powers.

-Contrast Katsuki, who actively pursued Izuku over a personal grudge, using unwise and massively destructive techniques for the context…And then Izuku, while he did better, still ended up having to use an incredibly rash and unwise plan that left him completely out of commission. And then Ochaco let her guard down in the thick of things, and also made use of strategies that, quite frankly, only worked because it was an exercise. Her wild strategy to get to the bomb only worked because her goal was only to touch the bomb. Had she needed to, say, solve a puzzle to defuse it, she’d have been screwed.

-Tenya’s only mistake, in sharp contrast, was playing within the context of the training exercise’s fiction, as opposed to operating around the strictest, most game-like interpretation of the rules. …God DAMN, she caught everything. Meet Yaoyorozu Momo, one of four students who got in on recommendations alone…

-And now it’s time for the next groups to go at it! Keep in mind the specifics from this first exercise, whether you are in the field or monitoring from here. And so it’s Team B up on the hero side, and Team I on the villain side…Team I, which includes…

-Ah.

-An invisible girl.

-Who cannot make her clothes invisible.

-Well then.

-And it’s up! Bat-guy Shoji Mezo, with his arm wing things, starts by gathering extra data…And pins them both on the fourth floor. So his comrade, an ice man, steps up and starts to just freeze the building out…Where he’s able to lock down both villains, then just walk on in! It’s a bit of an overkill technique…But it also works. Especially because he undoes it as fast as it happened, melting all the ice and turning the place into a sauna. He’s Todoroki Shoto, one of the other four to get in on recommendation.

-So that was one quick match, as it’s soon review time…And Katsuki is losing his cool bit by bit.

-Then it’s the third match, where we see some of the odd tricks of Team J’s duo…When our bird man and frog girl of Team H go right in…And otherwise, it’s general quick flashes of power. These range from some of the classics like super strength or electricity, to odd things like a girl who can plug into the surface of the building and pull sounds…

-And when it’s all done, the tests are done, with only Izuku injured out of the lot. Which All Might is quite happy about, as now he has to go check up on the student and pass the results on to him. He shall see you all soon, children! And then he’s off in a flash…Already trying to figure out how he can help Katsuki from going over the edge…

-And then he’s got to race into the staff elevator, where he locks himself in just in time for his powers to fail. Fuuuuck…

-Commercial break!

-And we’re back! Recovery Girl is tearing into No Might for how this kid has been in here like three times in the first week…His body literally cannot take her healing powers this much. She had to just rapidly get him through the worst of it, and now he has to heal the rest by staying here overnight on an IV. Also, she knows the nature of One For All, as well as No Might and Izuku’s secrets. And thinks they’re both being utterly ridiculous. Because where she stands, of course, she doesn’t do the whole “acting like a symbol” thing. She tries to fix problems. That’s what she’s done ever since she was a plucky young thing back in the day. And if you’re going to be a symbol…You got to know what it means to guide this kid, to make him grow into someone great…Because in the way he’s going, he’s going to be a mess of scar tissue and pain meds before he’s old enough to drink.

-And eventually, Izuku comes to…And realizes it’s well in the evening by this point, as Recovery Girl decides he’s well enough to at least get home. Go home, rest in your own bed, and be back here first thing in the morning, young man.

-So Izuku heads back to the classroom to get his things, already expecting a talking-to from any number of teachers…But instead he finds like half the class has been there waiting for him, and they think he did awesome! You’re fuckin’ cool as hell, man! We get names, but I’m not keeping most of them in my head. I’m not not.

-And then Ochaco gets back and she sees the poor injured Izuku and you poor thing! But there’s only one thing that Izuku wants to know. Where’s Katsuki? He…Just went home a few minutes ago, as soon as he heard they were letting you out…

-So Izuku bolts, catching up to Katsuki out in front of the main campus…And Izuku…Reveals the nature of his Quirk. It was given to him by someone else. A hero saw what he did that day, with the slime thing that nearly killed them both…And chose Izuku to inherit power. He spent the entire last school year training his ass off just to be able to handle it…And he still barely can even survive using it. Everything that happened to day, was because he didn’t want to rely on that power he got from someone else, this power that tore his arm apart…

-But Katsuki doesn’t believe a word. He thinks Izuku is just fucking with him, that he’s been messing with him…And all Katsuki can think, is his fury. His rage, at having gone from the big fish in a small pond, to being in the fucking ocean, where the whales swim in the deep…And with tears in his eyes, with his rage turned inward more than anything else, Katsuki swears he’ll rise to the top again. He’ll be number one when they leave. He’ll, fucking, beat, you!

-And that’s when All Might finds the two of them. And he takes up Katsuki, and reminds him of something. To be proud of yourself, is a fine thing. But you must not let it blind you, or let it cause you pain when you are still young and inexpe—

-Katsuki demands he let the fuck go, now. Because he’s not interested in a lecture. He’s going to be somebody. He’s going to push himself, he’s going to be stronger than even YOU, and he doesn’t need your damn lectures to make that happen! All Might, too shocked to properly respond, can only let the kid go…

-As everyone’s watching…And Ochaco is continuing to get fired up about fated battles between men. She really does wanna just see Izuku get all sweaty and shirtless, doesn’t she.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! A few days later, they’d all find out, just how terrifying and cunning villains can be…As in a bar, back in the Now, a few villains are talking about the fact that All Might’s in town, now a teacher at UA…

…Fuckin’ hell, Katsuki. You’re a real piece of work, you know that? Anyways, we’ll see how his ego keeps getting him in trouble next time, in episode NINE of My Hero Academia! Wait for it!