#do let me know if i've missed any!
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I FORGOT TO THROW OUT AFTER THE EPISODE RELEASED NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#hand jumper#webtoon#sayeon lee#heron#ig??? BRUH..................#these fireworks are going to SET ME ON FIRE!!!!#but that's alr i guess!!!!!!!!!#because charcoal grilled prawn literally solves all my problems#before thinking about killing people i need everyone to sit down and think of their favourite food#and manifest the version of them that has it!!!!!!!!#maybe then all compulsions and intrusions of the mind can just go away#what if we all just pictured better versions of ourselves and just did it!!!#if we all stretched out our hands and tried we can at least live in the world knowing we did try!!#and it's better than not trying!!!!! AND BEING USELESS PIECES OF ROTTING GARBAGE!!!!!!#idk i've had a shit three years man i don't think i can take this any longer#IGNORE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AND INSTEAD NOW LET'S THINK OF THE GOODIES YOU'RE GONNA GET IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#or now if you offer up your wallet to OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR sleepacross#and for the SMALL price of 5USD that's right 5USD!!!! this is to the people with credit/debit cards ofc#YOU CAN ACCESS THE GOATACROSS QNA BECAUSE IT IS PEAK!!!!!!#but just because the juninators[on here in case they aren't in the server] need to hear this so we can all sing happy birthday to her#INSTEAD OF MISSING IT FOR TWO YEARS#AND HAVING A WHOLE WINTER/CHRISTMAS COMPETITION IN DISCORD WITH MEMES AND ALL WITHOUT THIS CRUCIAL INFORMATION!!!!!!!#I THINK BECAUSE I KEEP THESE IN TAGS IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT HER BIRTHDAY IS DEC 24TH AND WE SHOULD ALL SAY HAPPY LATE/HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY#TO OUR BELOVED QUEEN JUNI CHANG#BECAUSE NOW I JUST SHAFTED A 40K WIP I NEVER FINISHED FOR LAST YEAR'S WINTER SEASON FOR THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE OF 2024 IN THE RECYCLE BIN!!#BUT NOW WE CAN GIVE HER QUINTICE THE AMOUNT OF GIFTS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET'S DO THAT INSTEAD!!!!#ONE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!!!! ONE FOR CHRISLER!!! ONE FOR CIVIL SERVICE APPRECIATION DAY!!!!!#ANOTHER FOR BEING PEAK MENTOR!!!!! AND ANOTHER ONE FOR BEING GOD'S SILLIEST SOLDIER!!!![in our hearts!!]#APOLOGIES AS ALWAYS IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR HERE!!!! AND A GOOD EVENING TO YOU ALL!!!!
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I'm perfectly normal about her-🌟☀️ TW: eyestrain, spooky eye peepers👁️
messy sketches over the pass week or so
#welcome home#welcome home fanart#welcome home puppet show#sally starlet#eyestrain#scopophobia#welcome home arg#arg horror#horror#ahhh if i missed any warning tags do let me know!#been rotating her in my mind FOR AGES#finally got some time to doodle her proper djksdjkjsjd#hhhhh i haven't seen a lot of spooky sally#there are some gems i've come across and i went: WE COULD USE MORE PERHAPS-#mmmm am quite cautious about how to characterize her#yes she's mah precious rambunctious theater kid but (WHAT IF A LITTLE SNEAKY TOO?)#jdkjsjdj brain rotting for reals-#love her a completely normal amount i swear-#inky doods
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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i built this cafe for my story and i felt like sharing it as a random follower's gift, so tada! here it is ☕
details:
price: $39,895
lot size: 20x15
originally built on 6-4-1 hanamigawa in mt. komorebi
not cc-free & uses most of the packs
bonus:
three pieces of cc are included in the file (abandoned cc reupload)
also included is a list of all the other cc you'll need to download + the packs i used in the build!
download:
(no ads) - dropbox
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#sims 4 build#ts4 build#ts4 community lot#ts4 download#ts4 lot download#ts4 cafe#just excuse my bad graphic design i'm so sorry i don't know anything about fonts and colors and photoshop#also let me know if any of the cc is missing or if something goes wrong#i've never uploaded a build before so *fingers crossed*#i did play test this as well but surprises happen#holocene.package#holocene is an architect (verified)#new tag for builds just dropped woo#because apparently i'm mcfucking losing it#SURPRISE I'M IN MY BUILDER ERA FOLKS#i built that one restaurant/multipurpose lot last year and then in the last month i've built a farm and a cafe and i think i'll do more#i have needed all these for the story like i said but sdjfjdfkjdsl#i've always been a cas/gameplay/story girlie so this obviously has horrifying implications
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it's normal to be disappointed when you learn that your dreams are already dead. but just like a phoenix, our death will lead us to our own rebirth; and like a supernova, some deaths are beautiful.
#context is in the tags where i hide#which will be a lot#so uh#you all probably know about... my au.#all the team is busy. of course including me.#one's in uni; the other... idk. probably living his life.#as i mentioned in a previous post i've been missing the times when the group was still as active as how young people would be#and the youthful days i had in general#one thing i used to be scared of is change.#now i don't think i'm scared of change anymore. just dreadful but no longer scared#because change is inevitable and there's nothing we can do#so uhhh#go with the flow i guess#i always let the people i cherish live their own lives and i give them all the privacy they need#even if it means not being able to keep in touch with them#that is if they'd still remember me#whether they would or wouldn't that's okay with me#(no hard feelings everything is genuine and honest)#so... let's go straight to the point#the au would probably end up being solely written... that is if the art stuff doesn't push through#it's not like i've grown sick of those 'promises' i totally understand them i SWEAR.#i just don't wish to be misunderstood but like i just. couldn't spit all of it out in front of them#i'm sorry for being a coward#and if you see this... i don't know. probably tell me how you're doing? and either give me hopes that this could all still be sorted out-#or tell me if it's impossible at this point?#please just don't give me any false hope.#and... if we all ever don't push through#i'm genuinely sorry if i tired you or wasted your time and energy.#i'm sorry for dragging you to all my demands and perfectionisms and insecurities#missing entry
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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Boo!
I'm the paranormal activity on your dash :]
#Udi posting in 2023? truly a christmas miracle#Now it'd be pretty funny if everyone seeing this collectively thought 'who the hell is this person?' I mean. UNDERSTANDABLE-#I've been gone for so long I don't even recognise this dash layout help??#Excuse me while I have a grandma moment trying to figure out where things are#Anyway I don't have much to post since I've barely drawn in all these months. So many art blocks stacked on top of more art blocks#(among other things)#BUT I still have some drawings here and there. Not the best I've ever produced but hey it's something#and you know what happens when Udi has an art block? Exactly. Cateeva content (and silly drawings) (。•̀ᴗ-)✧#Now it's time for me to fill my room with sticky notes reminding me to take things easy#you'll have to bear with my slowness for a little bit longer. Life hit me hard recently and everything feels so heavy to me#but I just didn't want to let this year pass without saying anything...#I actually missed being on here. If I see art or an oc from any of my moots I'll probably cry on the spot#Moot reading this you've been warned (🫶)#I'll shut up now. I really hope everyone's doing as good as they can. This is such an awful world#Udi talks
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You ever have a day where you feel like you're doing everything wrong, even when you're like. just doing things you normally do. And are alone, so like the only person i could in theory upset/piss off/etc right now is me myself, and Yet the feeling persists
Yeaaaaah. That's today's vibe for me apparently lmao
#text post#it's fine bc i know it's probably just a culmination of a couple different worries that i should be able to address#in the coming days/weeks but all the same#my brain is pinging like no you immediately need to check with everyone you know that you aren't mucking up#but like. if that was the case they'd talk to me and let me know#and i could apologise recognise where/how I've fucked up and change what I'm doing/try to do better#some days i just can't turn off the 'everyone is frustrated with u & feeling worse bc u aren't recognising that u fucked up' feeling#bc sometimes it's true! i missed a cue or didn't properly pick up what was being put down/implied!!#and when i do that it just. kills me 💀#like i know that life does just involve fucking up sometimes and being in the wrong and apologising and doing better#but also oh god i need to know immediately if I've fucked up so i can do better and try to make things right#or as close to right as possible#i need to stop typing tags and get onto the survey sites and into the chores that need doing today#fr tho if i have fucked up recently & any friends on here know/have been nervous to tell me#pls just do. i want to know so i can try not to make the same fuck up again#the anxiety over feeling like I've fucked up something but haven't realised it is ten times worse than#being told i fucked up apologising and figuring out how I'm going to try and make things better#no more tags rn tho!! time to try and get something done!!!
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Hey! In your recent post about Noè and asexuality, you mentioned there being more evidence displaying that Vanitas finds Noè attractive than vice versa. As soon as I read it, I found myself agreeing but when I stopped to think about it I couldn't recall a panel that really suggests that, off the top of my head. This also isn't a view I have seen a lot of other vnc fans talk about so I'd really appreciate if you could expand on it / unpack it a bit more. Anyway, love your blog!
[Image Description: An anonymous tumblr ask. It reads: "Hi! I have just recently found your Tumblr blog and have been loving all your analyses. I only found out about the vnc manga a few months ago and some of your posts have been so useful in explaining some deeper themes/subtext that I was confused about. I was reading your ace Noé post and saw that you mentioned that there is more canon evidence that supports Vanitas finding Noé attractive than the other way around. I was hoping you could expand on this?" End ID.]
First of all, thank you both so much for your kind words! It makes me so genuinely happy to hear that y'all like what I post.
And for anyone curious, here's the ace Noé post that both anons mention.
Now as for your question, that's kind of a difficult one. I said that there's more evidence for Vanitas being attracted to Noé than vice versa (in terms of traditional physical attraction, not blood stuff), and I do stand by that. However, Noé has shown pretty much no physical attraction to Vanitas in non-blood contexts, and more than zero doesn't necessarily mean a lot. This whole post is going to be tiny details and subtext, because "Vanitas is attracted to Noé" is definitely not a major or certain thing.
That said, I do think you can make an argument for the idea.
For starters, let's go with the classic Vanoé bait panel: Vanitas's reaction to Noé's excitement over Paris.
Vanitas is at his most performative in the early chapters of VnC, and though he does sometimes act borderline flirtatious (like when he gets up in Noé's personal space to poke him in the chest), I'm not inclined to give those moments actual weight. It's all too much a part of Vanitas's act to be good evidence for real feelings of attraction.
However, in this particular scene, that argument doesn't hold. Vanitas will play up his flirty persona in order to change the subject when he gets uncomfortable, but there's no reason for him to do that here. There's no need for him to change the subject, and Noé's not paying him any attention. His expression here is just his genuine reaction, not part of a performance made to influence Noé, and it's such a fond reaction!
Vanitas has only just met Noé, but here he is so softly entertained by Noé's glee. It speaks to an immediate draw to and enjoyment of Noé on Vanitas's part, and that doesn't have to mean romantic attraction, but it certainly fits well with that argument. Noé is extremely cute here, and Vanitas likes that about him. Make of that what you will.
Even more than that scene, though I think the most explicit moment of Vanitas's attraction is one of his reactions in the bell tower.
In the middle of Noé's speech to Vanitas in chapter 11, he smiles at him properly for the first time. This is also when we the audience first see Noé smile for the outside of a flashback, so you know that that moment is important both for Noé and to Mochijun. And it also makes quite an impact on Vanitas.
Noé tells Vanitas that he wants to stick with him and see out his "salvation" mission, and then there's an extra beat, a panel for just Noé's smile, and only then do we see Vanitas's reaction to all this.
He's so struck! Noé has a huge effect on Vanitas in this moment, even before he's finished his whole speech. His words have a big part of it, of course they do, but the way the page is paced (with an extra, albeit cropped panel for that smile) makes me think that Noé's appearance itself is also pretty key for provoking that reaction. If the way Noé looks while smiling didn't need extra emphasis, Mochijun could've given him the smile in the panel above these where he's speaking, rather than give it its own shot.
Noé looks at Vanitas like this for the first time, and Vanitas's eyes go wide with awe. Because Noé is a goddamned vision. It's even more apparent in the animated version, because the animators weren't bound by paneling constraints and could show us Noé's whole face.
I have had irl lesbian friends tell me how attractive they find Noé in this moment lmao. He's just pretty. So I don't think it's unreasonable to say that Vanitas, in this moment, is affected by how pretty Noé is. Absolutely anyone would be.
It isn't irrefutable proof that he's in love with or generally lusting after the guy, but it is a good argument for a moment of appearance-based attraction, which is something we haven't really seen from Noé toward Vanitas. (We've had Noé staring at him in awe when he does his Book stuff, but never an "oh shit he's hot" moment like this one).
There might be other small moments as well, but these are just the two big ones that I can remember with out combing back through the manga in detail. And though there's no certainty here, these are a pair of scenes that can be read as Vanitas being very struck by Noé's appearance in a way that I don't think we've gotten in reverse.
Any positive number is still more than zero, lmao.
#the only moment I can think where Noé really gets Struck by Vanitas's appearance is that panel of him staring up in awe in Gévaudan#but that has more to do with the book and the magic than vani being pretty#and honestly Noé not showing attraction in the traditional way despite his Thing about Vanitas just feels right#it's another facet of his big aspec energy#oh and also. y'all should let me know if you think of any more oh no he's hot moments that I missed#vnc#vanitas no carte#the case study of vanitas#vanoé#the vanoé agenda#vanitas my beloved#english major hours#ask#anon#I think this is the first time I've gotten two anons asking about the exact same topic#ID in alt text
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idek how to format what i wanna say i'm just gonna ramble in tags b
#chirping#like. god. i just wanna know wht love feels like#i just wanna know. because i've been in love. i've had my heart broken. but that love- to my knowledge- has never been reciprocated#i just fall so easy. and then everything i do is too much too much too much.#so overtime i just get more and more withdrawn. saying too much and not enough at the exact same time#i just. that's why i like shipping so much. i know it's reductive and stereotypical and really overwhelms a fandom#but it lets me experience something i've never had.#and i like to think the way i ship ain't reductive. but i just worry smtimes bc i see ppl complainin abt it so often.#i just wanna know. and i know there's more to life than romance of course i fuckin know that#but i feel like i'm missing a piece of myself. idk. i ain't saying anyone should care abt romance as much as i do and i ain't tryin to#force anyone. this is just. how i feel abt my life. god. whatever#i miss him every fucking day and i wish there was any fucking thing i did differently but there ain't. we just. weren't meant#to be. as stupid as it is.
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hey, hey, quick internet fandom ettiquete lesson; X has two hands jokes only vibe if you are talking to someone who is ALSO already talking about how X has two hands. Okay? Okay. It is in fact very rude to go onto other people’s posts where only one set of hands is involved to evangalise about two hands. When seeing ship art/fic of only half your ot3, it is proper ettiquete to simply enjoy the art/fic as it is, and if so inspired create/commission/seek out the ot3 content of your choice. This has been your quick internet fandom lesson, thank you for your time.
#this is one of those things that has been cropping up a lot lately and it's. not cool. don't do this okay?#bc no one likes being evangelised at; for any reason#i know its probably just because you love your ot3 and i 100% feel that. i have many an ot3 i adore#but to the person who reads your comment on the thing they put hard work and love into it just reads as-#-'the product of your hard work and love is WRONG you should fix it to MY PERSONAL STANDARDS'#you are not better than the singular otp sides of things and its *certainly* not a solution to ship wars#the ot3 is going to have a different dynamic than either side of the individual otps and thats simply not going to vibe with everyone#and thats okay!#long story short: enjoy your ot3. love it! and let others enjoy their otps in peace. tell them you like their art if you want!#just dont go on to say what you think is missing that the creator clearly never intended#stop talking to yourself flight#ngl this is like. at least half the reason i've kinda been shuffling away from srk#kh3 convinced me sr was endgame but i could have happily kept on shipping an ot3 without canon. i dont need canons permission to ship#but wow has the constant bombardment in almost exclusively sr fanworks of 'omg two hands' has really soured the whole thing to me tbh#stand au srk is kind of the only srk to me now
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by any chance does anyone have any demon slayer fic recs where nezuko is actually more of a proper character and gets development and is allowed to grow? cause honestly the further i've gotten in this manga the more disappointed in it i've been with the lack of meaningful development, especially in nezuko
#no idea if this is actually a controversial opinion on the series cause i've not come across much criticism#but i do think it falls short on every character. the concepts are great and i enjoy the characters and had a lot of fun watching and#reading this series. but i do think that it fails to do much that's actually meaningful or impactful with any of the characters#ready to be disagreed with but i feel like the only development nezuko ever got was when she went to attack those humans and had to#be restrained by tanjirou. and it falls incredibly flat when she never really has any other struggles other than at the start of the series#i thought she was meant to be a main character but she's more like a set piece#maybe i'm just missing something cause i'm still about 50 chapters from the end. but i just got so disappointed after they did nothing with#her becoming sun resistant except pull a gag that i didn't want to pick the manga up again#like that was the chance to do more with her and finally give her development and let her relationships develop! and the fact that they did#nothing kind of highlighted to me that the series really hadn't done much with any of the characters#there's beats where it feels like there's growth but i don't actually know what about the characters has grown??? apart from getting a new#power and being stronger because of it#they don't grow as characters. and supposed development only ever happens during fights or off screen#anyway i should stop criticising. i'm just very disappointed cause i really enjoyed the manga and then that happened and it was like what's#the point#criticism#demon slayer criticism#<- so you can block the tag if you don't want to see this stuff#it feels very negative for the fact that you really can't expect much from shounen. and i DID enjoy it. it's just disappointing#(the shinobu thing is also annoying. like i like that she can't decapitate demons and that she uses poison but the reason for it being that#she's weak and small is bullshit and FEELS like it's written that way because she's a woman)
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I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...
#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like....#like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot#but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself#i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete...#... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams...#I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it#people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to...#the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want...#i want...#my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording#since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio#its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh...#tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up#we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing...#... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me?#i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for#so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it...#once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy#i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep#seari talks
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You know, looking at a diet soda can it occurs to me that it might not be so wretched to me if the cans weren't so unpleasant
Like we know that things like color play a role in how our brain perceives things, and I realized looking at the can that they're always this bland but at the same time nasty looking silver and it just... it looks foul and I think that compounds with the fact that I also just plain don't like diet soda
My point here isn't to say anyone else shouldn't like diet soda, just how I never realized how much of an impact the can has on me not liking it... there's just something offputting about it to me
#I don't ever drink soda these days#like I drink so little soda that root beer is basically something I treat like a dessert at this point#and it's funny; cause I drank nothing but soda when I was a teen#it was just kinda like a switch flipped one day; no idea on why#which is a shame; cause I've known people who really really wanted to stop drinking soda and... I wish I could tell them what I did#but... I kinda didn't do anything; I just changed#would love if I could give practical advice#now; you'll never hear me shitting on people for drinking soda; or have me sitting here telling people how awful it is#we all know what soda is; I mean man... you wouldn't have helped me if you lectured me back when I was drinking nothing but soda#in fact you'd probably have held me back from whatever clicked to make me stop cause you would have annoyed me#...but I don't miss it; now it's so damn sweet to me cause I got sometimes years without drinking it#nah... occasional root beer at a specific pizza place or with dessert; that suits me just fine#anyway; what my real point was is take my thoughts on diet soda with that grain of salt that I don't like regular soda either#I'll take regular over diet any day cause I prefer the sweeteners... like... if it's gonna be a once in a blue moon thing#I know which sweetener I'd rather taste; and it's not gonna be that big a deal to me either way cause I have it so rarely#but yeah; when I make this observation know it comes from someone that never drinks soda#so it's not like my input is that important or useful#...and yet... I'm not gonna go look up how to spell it; but you know barques... barks? you know that one root beer has a silver can#and that wasn't as much of a problem though... I think that even though I liked it the can was a hang up for me that spoiled it a little#really I just like all the brands of root beer; they're all different; but all good in their own way#I should go to Japan and preform as a masochist for them; since my understanding is the general consensus there is#that root beer tastes like medicine; let me put on a show as a weird american who drinks the thing they think is bad and enjoys it
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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