#do if we did. but i need to accept that facebook friends is all we will ever be and that i will never get the 'closure' i want so bad

[kissacross]

ik this is my aesthetic sideblog but i just need to be vulnerable and Not On Main for a moment thank u

[lucy-shining-star]

Eh I shouldn't be sad because of that

[zakumipink]

Hello! I've already answered in spanish a lot of questions about vampire AUs on my facebook. So I'm sharing some frequently asked questions here.

• Why is the fanfic called "Lucky One"?

I never know what to name the stories, sometimes I use random words. This title was a friend's idea, for a song she likes.

• Could you make everyone have relationships with each other?

I could, but I'm no longer interested in writing about sex, orgies or polygamy or infidelity. I just want cheesy, silly stuff. I'm aware that most people just want to read about sex and the more obscenities, better... or dramas that break your heart. But I got bored of that and of using complex vocabulary.

• What kind of world does the story take place in?

An alternate universe like our Earth. Similar to our world, with wars and events, but allowing for the existence of vampires as a secret for humanity.

• And those who know they exist?

Humans who have seen these creatures do not live to tell the tale...except for the Paranormal Research Association (A.I.P) who usually investigates without interfering, because they are at a disadvantage, even though they have the only "weapon" against them. The "D" lineage is hunters. I think I've already explained this.

• What are the vampires in this AU like?

By general definition, in this universe, a vampire is a supernatural being trapped in a certain time, converted or born, who must feed on blood to maintain his or her state of mind and vitality. Its way of surviving is based on adaptability, so it consumes, in addition to "life", the knowledge or skill it considers useful from another being. They are a distinctive species, predators that bore easily and "seem to have no weaknesses beyond their own kind."

• Why don't vampires declare their existence?

They're not interested. They don't see the need and find it counterproductive, since humans would find ways to destroy them, as they do with everything. For vampires, humans are a plague of destructive animals, who need to be hunted to maintain balance.

• Do vampires believe in God?

It depends on the clan and even the vampire. They don't guarantee its existence, nor do they guarantee its nonexistence. Whether it's real or not, he's left them to their own devices.

• Do vampires believe in hell or the soul?

It depends. Law personally doesn't believe in it, because he believes that if he had a soul, it would no longer have any value, and that if hell exists, there wouldn't be enough room for everyone who would go there, including himself. Law grew up in a religious environment, so he is pessimistic about the subject, but deep down he wants to keep his faith because it gives him the comfort that his human family is in a better place. He never says it.

• Why is it that when Law transforms Sabo into a vampire, his heart starts beating again, but then stops? Shouldn't it have stopped beating as soon as he transformed?

To turn a human into a vampire, the human must be almost dead, that is, he has already lost almost all his blood and upon receiving the "poison", that is, the vampire's blood, the human heart approaches and it leads to a stroke of life, that's why they refer to it as "the second death", since after that acceleration, the heart stops beating and they have a day of death, where they may or may not wake up. So if he wakes up he's a neophyte and there are no more heartbeats... and if he doesn't wake up, he's just another corpse.

• Did Sabo want to die or not?

When Sabo woke up it was because of the desire to return to his brothers, even though in life he had already accepted death, we noticed it in his thoughts, when he thinks he'll finally rest... but, Sabo, deep down, still had hope of returning, that's why, even in the inhuman state he was, Sabo seemed to be asking for help with her heartbeat. If you read the chapter, you'll realize it's his scent that's calling Law, but it's his heartbeat that makes him want to turn him. So even if Sabo said he wanted to die to stop his suffering, in reality his will to live was stronger.

• Why doesn't Sabo remember his human life?

In human life, Sabo already had memory problems and would shy away from his problems, forging happy memories and storing away the unhappy ones deeply, to the point of leaving them as unfounded "nightmares."

In more detail, let's say that when Sabo was alive he had a very complicated life, even though everyone would believe that being from a wealthy and important family would make his life easier. Sabo has memory problems because his way of dealing with what happens is to escape, As a child, his parents made him feel useless and replaceable, so Sabo understands that if he is not useful or causes problems, they will abandon him. This makes Sabo, unconsciously, and after his mother minimized and did not believe what happened, assume that he must keep quiet and endure for the good of others, which includes inventing realities and scenes that are very different from what is happening, so as not to think about what is happening. So their false and true memories often blend together, and when they wake up as a vampire, this trait isn't seen as "negative." and the transformation decided to leave it "on hold," that is, it hasn't been completely erased, it just doesn't know what memories to offer it. That's why he sometimes remembers his siblings or places, but not in detail. If you look closely, Ace arrives when he associates the words handsome or beautiful and also his voice in phrases, like when Zoro says "don't be soft" on Perona, obviously the memory of that takes him to Luffy, Because Sabo was always affectionate with Luffy and Luffy with him, just as Luffy's laughter is something that he does remember, his happy memories usually have Luffy.

• Is Sabo in love with Law?

Sabo isn't sure about this, and Law says it's just a whim. Sabo's personality is, in Law's own words, "too kind to have a long life." That is, he doesn't know how to limit his actions or thoughts. If he believes that doing something is better for his loved ones, he will do it without caring about the consequences for himself. You could say he's clumsy, optimistic, and tends to put himself at the bottom of the list of priorities. The relationship is complex, because both are melancholic beings with human traumas that they try to overcome. Although Law is happy when he feels he can take care of him, and at the same time control his life. Sabo is happy when he feels he makes Law happy. Sabo is obviously more stubborn and rebellious now than when he was alive... and Law encourages that because he likes to see him more aggressive. I guess Law wants me to be more jealous and territorial so that no one takes it away from him *lol*

• Why is Sabo the protagonist? I think the fanfic would be better if it was a Law x Luffy.

I respect that you like the popular ship, but I'm sure there are hundreds of Law and Luffy fanfics out there for you to read.

Beyond the obviousness of saying "because it's my story and I felt like it", it's a reason that goes with my love for the character and the way he adapts to the world. I chose him because I love his bright and loving personality, distracted at times, fickle when he is worried about his loved ones and even his aggressiveness when those he loves are offended. Does that sound too "perfect"? Sabo has that air of a gentleman, he is polite and kind, always distinguishing his beautiful heart; but, he is not perfect, he has memory problems, a broken mind and a great guilt, besides a childhood full of abuse and manipulation, of which the only good thing was when he escapes and lives in a dump -I mean the canon- and in the fic, Sabo keeps the characteristic of the abused and destroyed childhood, being his good memories the only thing he puts before. It is the self-deception, the smelly placebo that covers everything that, but still hidden stinks everything and seeks to tell him that everything would be over faster if he had the courage to face and hurt... or end his life. Where you see a "flat" and too "happy" character, there is a child who while suffering and crying, believing every insult that people who should love him told him, understood that he could not live if he did not obey, and if he was not what everyone asked for. THAT'S MY SABO. Wounded, lonely, full of shadows that light up in his virtues, like all of us, who only seeks to understand his place and be "useful".

• Does Law see Sabo as a replacement for Corazon? Or is Sabo better for Law?

This is how this false idea of comparison is formed, which from the first moment we see reflected in Law, seeing his blond hair, but, we also see Law himself saying that they are different. Cora-san and Sabo are sort of the archetype of the caring, pure-souled lover whose purpose seems to be the remembrance of a distant angel. But neither is. Cora-san also had a hard childhood -in the canon- and in the fic he was the youngest of a clan, destined for a political marriage, just as Sabo was destined for a wedding, and that would have ended up destroying their hearts. The greatest sin of both is "laziness", understood as their lack of struggle towards destiny; Sabo ran away from home but always came back, Cora-san needed his family, even after her father's trial.

Is that understood? Sabo and Cora-san are similar, but they are not the same entity. Law can't help the comparison, because he feels a great guilt too... and fear of losing again. but, you guys, you don't need to choose who is better. Neither one of you is better.

I'll answer more another day, bye ♡

[roofermadness]

this article (skip paywall link) is a fucking trip. i understand humans better and worse than before.

the thesis: some people not only don't care about politics; they don't care about facts. to a certain subset of people, "no thoughts; just vibes" is a way of life. take, for example, the opening anecdote about a woman in georgia who posted a basic fact check on a friend's facebook post that alleged that chili's and other restaurant chains are on their deathbeds. we've all seen some stupid misinformation, but what sent chills down my spine was a comment from the friend who posted the rumor (bolding mine):

“I love Monica,” he told me. “But I think Monica goes directly to sources of information.” This, he suggested, was not the right approach. “Use common sense,” he went on.

how on earth, i wondered, could this guy consider seeking out information a character flaw?!

then i saw this terrifying little nugget from a poli sci prof who studied low-info voters (defined by someone who couldn't answer two out of three very basic civics questions):

Low-information voters, he found, are more likely to embrace stereotypes of other groups, and less likely to fact-check claims made by politicians. [...] He came across a metric in psychology called the “need for cognition” scale. “A question that really caught my attention on the scale is an agree or disagree: ‘Thinking is not my idea of fun,’ ” Fording recalled. He and a colleague ran a study to see whether agreement with the statement correlated with support for Trump. It did.

(it's crucial to note, as fording does in the next paragraph, that this doesn't mean they're stupid, just that they don't get much pleasure out of learning new things. the article also cites examples of how this phenomenon can be subject-specific and position-agnostic. it also isn't limited to conservatives, as demonstrated frequently on this piss-on-the-poor website.)

but the article reminded me of the 2016 episode of this american life (the whole thing is worth a listen; it's a harbinger of what we are seeing play out eight years later) in which ira glass interviews his obama-hating uncle. ira debunks and fact-checks his uncle's stream of misinformation and plain lies, but provable facts prove uncompelling to him. this is the pithiest example:

Uncle Lenny: This guy-- he wants to have one country of North America, which is composed of Canada, the United States, and part of Mexico, if not all of Mexico. That's why the existing laws, which dictate that border trespassers shall be deported, he chooses to ignore. Ira Glass: Well, no, he actually deported 2.5 million people. More than any other president. Uncle Lenny: I don't believe that, Ira, for one minute. I don't believe that.

ira glass's conclusion, in his words: "facts do not have a fighting chance against this right-wing fable."

confirmation bias makes sense to me. not seeking out information from lack of interest makes sense to me. falling prey to misconceptions widely accepted in your community makes sense to me. what i find incomprehensible is sheer incuriosity. not only do some people lack critical thinking skills; they find thinking actively unpleasant.

so yeah. apparently some folks run on no thoughts, just vibes. not sure whether i feel more enlightened or depressed.

[circular-bircular]

I think there genuinely is an enormous problem in online spaces, I think in part due to the whole concept of purity culture, where everything people say and do online is scrutinized — not just in the case of “Is this person a good person,” but “Does this person represent the values we wish to see 24/7.”

Nobody is perfect, dear lord, and this place is not the place to seek perfection regardless. This is tumblr, home of the go nuts, show nuts rule; tumblr, which is as invaded by fandom and was originally meant to be a pseudo Facebook. People who use this place didn’t come here originally to be activists. And if you did, I'm a little concerned, genuinely, for your mental health and how well you're distancing yourself from difficult subjects and giving yourself the time you need to decompress.

And yet, we keep holding people up to this frankly impossible standard of representing a movement, regardless of what their blog content originally was for. Suddenly, every system on tumblr has to represent a certain Ideal for System Rights! They have to have the right views on system accountability, endogenic systems, plurality as an umbrella, littles, dormancy, fusion, functional multiplicity, parts language, the ToSD-

This is fucking ridiculous. A laundry list of topics that people have on their shoulders, along with every other laundry list of things that people need to care about. Fuck you if you're oppressed in any single way, you need to form opinions on every single one of those things, and if any opinion is out of place, then You Are Not A True [IDENTITY].

Somewhere along the way, many of us (I’m including myself here for a reason) managed to either convince ourselves or be convinced that we need to be Correct in some way about how this all works. That’s prideful and haughty at best, but typically moreso just… so detrimental to healing. None of us will be perfect… and so, when those of us who aren’t perfect are imperfect publicly, we are often harassed or attacked — or some of us attack others, for whatever reason it may be. And somehow, someway, we accepted that this is just how it works.

It's okay to discuss those things you disagree with online. It's okay to look at someone's take about, say, system accountability, or plurality, or littles, and reblog with your corrections and even anger! But you must be doing this with acknowledgement that people will be in different places, healing in different ways, and that there is nothing wrong with that. They're their own person!

But moreover, that's a whole ass blog. That's not a reflection of a person as a whole -- hell, it's rarely a reflection of the person at all. It's just a blog that they can put anything on. Have we not all heard the stories of people who've "Completely Changed" online, becoming people who others cannot recognize? People lie on the internet, intentionally or not.

Even me. I try my best to be who I am in real life here, and I share a LOT of myself with you all. You know I'm a teacher, and engaged, and have the most perfectest little cat in the world. But do you know me? I recently just got to visit an online friend in person (It was absolutely fucking incredible and I can't wait to do it again), and the entire time, I felt like I was just so awkward; I really struggled to stay present and talk more, which is something I don't struggle with nearly as much online. Believe it or not, I am not this long-winded in real life.

Maybe that's not lying, but it's not who I am. It's me being fundamentally different online than in real life. You all see me entirely through just the blogs you know me through. Maybe it's circie bircie, maybe you know my D&D blog, maybe you know me through positivitycombopack, or maybe this just shows up randomly on your dashboard. Maybe you don't know me at all.

And that goes for every person you see online. Do you actually know them? Do you know their beliefs? What they stand for? Why they believe those beliefs?

Or are you just seeing a blog?

[dw19791967]

That Feeling Part 3

Pairing: Dean x reader (eventual), OFC Tyler

Y/N POV and Dean POV

Warnings: language, unrequited love, angst, unwanted kissing, depression, anxiety, and feelings.

Trigger Warning: This fic contains discussions of depression and anxiety and feelings that go along with those. If that could be triggering for you I would skip out on this one. It is based on some experiences I have had in real life.

*All mistakes are my own!

I'm back (kinda) here's part 3. I'm thinking possibly two more parts. Let me know what you think!

-Layla

*I do not own this gif

Y/N’s POV:

It has been 5 months since one of the worst nights of my life. I started therapy and have been doing a lot better. It was kinda weird at first talking to someone about my life issues and past traumas, I spent a lot of time just sitting there trying to figure out what to say, especially since I can’t mention anything about hunting. But overall it’s been good. I’ve been taking better care of myself, spending more time with the boys, mostly Sam. Dean has been distant lately but I figured it was because he has spent so much one on one time with me the last few months. Sam has helped me start exercising daily (even though I hate it with every fiber of my being). I’ve lost around 10 pounds which is great considering I still eat a ton of take out. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I took a break from hunting and started writing, that lasted a hot minute before I was tired of staying home. 

Being back in a routine was good, I feel good.

We are on the road currently Sam caught a case about missing bodies. One of my favorite things. They think I’m weird for enjoying the quiet of cemeteries, but I know it’s because the dead are easier to deal with than the living some days.

“Ok, we got four missing corpses. Gladis Bramford was the first, mid 80’s when she passed. They found her head a few counties over, still missing the rest.” Sam was typing away on his computer.

“Who the hell takes a head only?” Dean had a grossed out look on his face.

I laughed.

“Evidently someone had big plans, poor Gladis.” I poked Dean in the shoulder.

Sam rolled his eyes. “The strangest part was her eyes were replaced with red glass, they haven’t been able to figure out which funeral home she was housed at before entering her final resting place.” 

“So what do we think, grave robbers, ghouls, demons?” I asked Sam.

“Not sure, we will have to see after we check the head out.” 

_________________________________________________

Sam went to check out the head while Dean and I looked over the case files.

“You doing ok sweetheart? I know I haven’t really checked in on you lately.” Dean looked at me.

“For the most part yeah, I feel a lot better than I did. I think taking time to get my head on straight helped a lot, plus therapy.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Dean smiled at me.

I missed spending time with Dean. But I hadn’t pushed him, I figured he needed a break from me and I understood that. I can be a lot sometimes and he has his own stuff to deal with. It’s not easy being my friend. Plus after everything I realized I probably will never be comfortable enough with myself to be with someone. I’m in love with him and probably will always be. Knowing he’s here but I can’t have him is a hard pill to swallow but I’m working everyday to move past it. I know he deserves better and I know I’m not it. 

“You haven’t heard anything from that douchebag right?” he continued reading over the files. 

“He actually messaged me a few weeks ago from his facebook account. Asked how I was and hoped I was doing better. I ignored it and he kept sending messages, saying he was sorry and he was a dick, blah, blah, blah. I blocked him.” 

“What an asshat, he must have balls the size of Texas to reach out to you after the stunt he pulled.” 

“I guess so, I was upset by it but I’m moving on.” I smiled at him.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, you didn’t deserve that, any of it.”

“It’s ok Dean, I’ve accepted what has happened and I’m moving on. Choosing between a man and a bear, I’d choose the bear.”

“You don’t mean that, you just haven't found the right man yet.”

I scoffed. “Dean… I’m an overweight, loud mouthed, cursing, strong willed woman, who has extreme trust issues. I doubt I will ever find a man who is ok with that, plus I don’t think I want to put myself out there again, who knows what will happen.”

“Just have me greet them with my glock, I’m sure it will go great after that.”

I laughed.

“In all seriousness I hope you do find someone someday Y/N, you deserve the world whether you believe you do or not.”

My heart sank. The only man I want is right in front of me and he will never want me.

“Thanks De.” I got up to pat him on the shoulder.

“Where are you going?” 

“I just need some air.” 

“Y/N I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t, I just have a lot on my mind and need a break.”

He frowned.

“It’s ok Dean, really.” I gave him a small smile.

Once I was outside and had the door closed I broke down, I can’t keep doing this to myself.

_________________________________________________

Dean’s POV:

I didn’t mean to upset her. I was trying to give her hope. 

It has been five months since I saw Y/N break. I’ve never been so scared in my life seeing her crumble under the weight of the world. I had to step back, let her get her head on straight without me. I don’t want to get used to relying on her to make me feel better. She needs to take care of herself, not me. I missed spending time with her but I knew it was for the best. Plus I know Sam is a better influence. I’m no good for her.

My phone was buzzing.

Sam.

“Hey man.”

“Dean hey, is Y/N with you?”

“Nah, she’s taking a break.”

“Oh, ok. I was going to let you guys know the cops think it’s a serial grave robber, evidently this has happened before. From everything I’ve checked out, I don’t see a relation to a monster. Maybe we should just let the cops handle it?”

I sighed. “Yeah that’s fine, we can stick around for a few days to see if anything happens.” 

“You ok dude?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just worry about her.”

“I know you do, but she’s doing better.”

“I know man, I just feel like I’m losing her. I know I stopped hanging with her but I wanted her to be able to heal without me looming over her.”

“Dean, she probably thinks you need a break from her, you know how she thinks.”

“You’re right Sam, I didn’t think about that. God, I messed up.”

“She’ll be back man and you can talk to her, I’ll go grab us some food before I head back.” 

As Dean was finishing his call with Sam, she sneaked back in.

“She’s here now, talk to you soon.”

“Everything ok?” she asked.

Her eyes were red, she had been crying.

Shit, I’m an asshole.

“Uh yeah, Sam said cops think it’s a serial grave robber, it’s happened before. Told him we could stick around for a few days and see if anything happens. He’s grabbing food, and should be back soon.”

She nodded.

“Y/N I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I got up to go towards her.

She backed away.

“It’s ok Dean, I’m just being over sensitive right now.” 

“No you’re not, I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“Dean it’s fine really, let’s just drop it.”

“I don’t want to drop it Y/N, I’ve been awful to you these last few months. I was trying to give you space to heal and it backfired. You think I hate you or can’t stand you. Neither is the case.”

“I understand Dean, I know I can be a lot. It’s ok.”

I raised my voice “But it’s not, I feel like I’m losing you!”

She began to cry. 

“Dean, I was doing fine, great even. Until I realized the biggest part of me was missing you. Sam was great at helping me, sure, but you told me you would stick by my side and you didn’t. I really get it. I’m annoying as hell. Everyone deserves a break. But you know I would do anything for you, hell I have and I know you have done a lot for me. And the fact is, I’m not yours to lose. So stop apologizing, put your big boy pants on, and move on. I’m not going to keep doing this!”

_________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV:

Dean took a step back and sighed.

He can’t keep doing this to me and I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I could tell I upset him.

I rubbed my head and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just don’t need to keep hearing your apologies alright, I get it Dean. You forget I know you better than you know yourself. I’ll be ok, please don’t beat yourself up.”

I moved to hug him. 

He held me in his arms.

Then spoke, “You know I can’t do that sweetheart, beating myself up is my number one hobby.” He laughed.

“Well you need to stop, especially when it comes to me.” I moved back.

“I just need to know it’s going to be ok Y/N, I know I messed up but I will be better. Promise.”

“I know Dean, I know.”

Taglist:

@hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog

@deanspinsterwitchs-readinglist

@pandasrdbest2341

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

I’m non-binary.

I’m trans.

I didn’t decide to yell it loud and clear before a long time. You know what this is, right? The never-ending questions turning in your head, not knowing if it’s just me influenced by the people around me, or if I’ve been around the LGBT+ community for so long, it just started to rub off on me.

But no, I’m trans.

It took a lot less time to feel non-binary than it took to feel trans. I didn’t even know that being enby was a spectrum hiding under the great umbrella of divergent gender identities. But now, it makes sense. Men, women, enbies, we’re simply not born in the right body. That prison-body, that sees us grow up, but not the way we intended to.

In short, I’m trans.

I learned a lot of things since I’m trans. I learned that not transitioning doesn’t make you an impostor, which was a relief as it really wasn’t in my plans. I learned that, when you’re doubting, concerned by some irrational fear, you can ask for help online and find help from perfect strangers in a flash, just because they know what you’re going through. I learned there were way more genders than I thought, and that it’s fine to not know where exactly you identify. It’s human to not know. Humans are made of indecisions, right? That’s human.

I learned that being trans is being human. And yet?

Since I’m trans, I learned that my body doesn’t belong to me. No, it belongs to the far-right wing elite who decides if yes or no I have the right to exist. In France, my right to exist is fragile, but there. I wished I wasn’t there to see my American friends lose theirs.

Since I’m trans, I learned that existing is a crime in the eyes of some people. “We don’t care that you’re trans. What we want is for you to stop telling it constantly.” They say. Oh yeah? What about all the people grimacing when they see me in the street? Did I tell them I was trans? What about my family refusing to invite me because, you know, she’s provoking everyone, your daughter, she should see a therapist, your daughter. That’s not normal to act like that. Like what?

Well, I believe it’s not normal to behave the way you do, even more so since transphobia often comes in a cocktail with its two big friends, racism and queerphobia. What’s bothering you is not telling you we are transgender, no. The problem is that we exist at all.

Ah, yes, sorry! Obviously, that’s something you don’t tell out loud! No, no! Around the table, if you dare to mention the word “transphobia”, everyone suddenly feels like they have to defend their honor like some kind of medieval knights! “Me? Transphobic? Oh, that’s bullshit! I don’t have anything against people like you. They do what they want to do, the people like you. But, you know, you need to accept not everyone thinks like your people. Why don’t we agree to disagree?”

Oh yes, that’s rich! I have to agree that you have the right to not see me as a person. At least not a person like you. That you have the right to not recognize me as the same type of human you are, that you have the right to vote for people who want me dead. That you have the right to publish on social media posts that criticize me breathing when you know I can see them. That you have the right to be delighted by trans people losing their rights in the United States. That you have the right to say straight to my face that I’m mentally ill on Facebook. That you have the right to support authors giving millions against trans people just because they hurt their huge ego as yours is right now when I said you are transphobic.

And me? Ah, yes. I have the right to shut the fuck up, that’s right!

Since I’m trans, I learned that what’s bothering them is not that I’m trans. Nope, what’s bothering them is that I exist as a trans person in the public space and stand for myself. That you can’t crush me as easily as all the poor people you had the misfortune to cross roads with.

Since I’m trans, and every time I’m saying I’m trans online, I always receive death threats, insults, and 3 miles-long books to explain to me why I should shut up and stop breathing in the little space they claimed like alpha wolves in heat. Since I’m trans, I can’t read articles talking about inclusion, diversity, trans people, the LGBT+ community because their reviews spaces are full of little fascists that only feel existing by stepping on small minorities that are not many enough to defend themselves against them. And each day, they grew more abundant. It’s scary.

Since I’m trans, my mental health is deteriorating, and it’s not because I’m trans. It’s because I’m constantly exposed to hate online. It’s because it’s ok if I exist, but not too much or it starts bothering people. It’s because I was told that men, because, yes, they’re men in the majority, want me dead and that I should deal with it. It’s because I was told to accept people not agreeing I have the right to exist. It’s because I was told it’s no use to protest for my rights, since the day Big Trump will overpower the government, I won’t have any rights at all. It’s because I was told to separate J.K. Rowling and what she writes because I don’t have a say in what she does with her money, even though she’s using it to kill me. It’s because I was told I should thank Elon Musk for saving children from a transition they would regret later, even though it means condemning a lot of these children to a premature suicide because no one will listen to them.

And yet, I’m still trans, in a world that hates me, and will keep hating me if nothing changes.

I didn’t choose it, it just happened.

It’s not fashionable. It’s not provocation.

It’s who I am.

Being trans is an everyday fight. It’s waking up each morning and learning yet another one of your friends, somewhere around the world, took their own life overnight because they couldn’t bear people telling them to stop existing anymore. It happened this morning, once again.

It’s pretending to not see hatred burning around us.

I live on a patch of land circled by an inferno, and that inferno slowly closes on us. Sometimes, we manage to push it back a little with a garden hose, but then it comes closer on the other side of the house.

How much time do we have before it consumes us all?

Hopefully, we still have some time, and yet…

I don’t know if I’ll still exist tomorrow.

[justanotherrpmeme]

The Fall

I'm pretty sure it's the thought that counts. Come on, it's Saturday night. You should be out having fun. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm going to be alone. One of them had a micro-penis, but the rest were absolutely normal. There's a few things on my iPad you probably shouldn't see anyway. So why are you hanging out here on a Saturday night? I want a man who's there when I want him I will give you $20 if you get a dog and name it Oprah Winfrey. Are you guys having issues? I mean, more than usual? If you look past the icy exterior, and the layers of walls, there's actually an amazing [woman|man|person] in there. No, my reflexes are sharper when I'm high. Can I try the Uber Fudgey Brownie Batter again? I'm sorry, you guys are blocking a fire exit The doctor's reviewing your x-rays. He'll be right with you. Stop catastrophizing. I did not break my hip. What we want to worry about is tissue necrosis. I'm sorry, is surgery absolutely necessary? I don't want to have surgery. I've never had surgery. What, are you writing a book about me? When's the last time you had something to eat? You'll do better next time, but that was good. Are you in pain? What can I do? Can I get you some pudding, or Jell-O? You can leave. Why are you even here? I'll tell you what I'm doing great at is keeping my hands off your throat. Oh, look at you, all wise-cracking. You must be feeling better. I was on drugs! I'm here, aren't I? You want to be in this hospital alone? You can be a real asshole sometimes, you know that? I'm concerned that you hit your head when you fell after all. To rule out any brain trauma I'd like to do an MRI. Would you like me to get you some Ativan? I went to the cafeteria to get pudding. It's like I'm just some annoyance you're forced to put up with. I'm just like you… but with a better personality. I don't want to face this crappy part of my life alone. [name] just friended me on Facebook. It's kind of creepy. We need a girls' night. Just us girls.

[kabillieu]

Long post about my big kid under the break.

We pulled our big kid out of his public middle school almost two weeks ago. In the month before we unenrolled him, he had missed at least one day a week due to school refusal. Mornings were nightmares of me trying to coax him out of bed. Most evenings he experienced (sometimes hours-long) meltdowns over homework. From his first day of school until his last, he did not have one good day. Many days were awful. Maybe most days were. The day where I decided he wasn't going back, he got into my car at pickup and he was distraught and stressed out and angry and despondent. He hadn't been allowed to go to the bathroom during his last class because of some sort of construction happening in the hallways, and when I asked him about homework for that class he said he didn't know because he'd spent all of his energy just trying not to pee himself.

I had known for a while that we were almost certainly going to end up homeschooling him, and I began to feel that I was sending him to a place that he found torturous just to satisfy my own sense that we had tried hard enough, that I had advocated enough for him. At his age, homeschooling is usually a permanent choice because it can be difficult to get homeschooled kids back into public middle and high schools.

But for whatever reason, that day was the day I just finally had had enough. I don't want to send my child to a place where he is lonely and agitated and angry and in pain. My child has level 2 autism, and while he has no intellectual disabilities, I have come to accept that he has different needs than other children and that this particular public school at this point in his life was harming him. He can't thrive there.

So we pulled him out.

We're doing something called de-schooling through the holidays. I have a loose schedule of a few things I ask him to do on school days, but most of his time is free so that he can decompress and begin to heal from the extreme amount of stress and pressure he's been feeling. At the beginning of January he'll start an online curriculum that he can navigate at his own pace. We will probably need to find him a math tutor. I'm sure there will be ups and downs.

Right now I'm trying very hard to help him make some social connections with other children near his age. He was in fight/flight/freeze mode the entire time he was at school and because of that he couldn't make any friends there. He'd also begun to experience some light bullying.

I found a micro school startup in my area that has a STEAM club. It's teeny tiny (just 2 or 3 kids) but he started that last week. Next week we have a meetup with another kid his age who is also autistic. I'm in several homeschooling Facebook groups now, and I found this kid's mom through one of those. In January he'll be starting an online D&D group for kids that is moderated by an adult.

And today he's playing Roblox with another ADHD/autistic kid via video chat. When we lived in Montgomery 7 years before, we happened to move onto the same street as a woman Dominic and I went to college with. A has a son who's about a year and a half older than our big kid, and he has a lot of the same issues + giftedness, which is also under the neurodiversity umbrella. My big kid and this kid were pretty good friends that year, but he and his family moved to New Hampshire a few years ago. When I realized I was probably going to have to homeschool my big kid, I reached out to A because she'd homeschooled her child too, and she pointed me to a lot of resources, which is great. I also helped my kid get back into contact with A's son, and they coordinated a time to play Roblox together.

I can hear them now from the other room, and my kid is obviously having a great time. He's socializing with another kid. He's making a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen with his schooling, with his future, with any of our futures. Dominic and I are very much rule followers, so to take our kid outside of the traditional education route and try this different path is--I cannot overstate it--beyond scary. But I do know that I couldn't continue to force my child to go to a school that was making him miserable. And right now I'm listening to him play with another kid and he's laughing and having a blast.

He's smart. I think he'll be able to, for the most part, follow a curriculum independently, as long as he's allowed to go at his own pace. We will add enriching activities alongside the curriculum and continue to help him make social connections.

I just want to do right by him. I'm just doing my best.

[kickthecanrevolution]

I was hanging out on the deck with Bud last night when I realized I’d forgotten I bought tickets to Sting in relatively small venue in San Francisco that I love called the Masonic, a famous location where musicians love to perform. I paused for a second and wondered if it was weird to go to a concert after my manic posting and weird mood, but I’m cheap as hell and hate to waste anything so I threw a sweater on and hopped in an Uber. And it was fun, I sang and danced - there are a million clips I could have posted on all of golden oldies but I love this one because it shows his talent. I’m fully comfortable going to stuff alone, I actually like it in the event I want to leave early but I was missing my friends not being there who couldn’t make it.

I am hardly ever on Facebook but a lot of people I know are. I ended up writing a post about the election, conservative Christianity (that I was part of for a long time) that is so difficult to know how to address. I was a little scared, they can get angry and defensive despite me spending a lot of time being deliberate about not yelling at anybody. I said they the ads from Harris campaign that Christian women were scared of their husbands was disrespectful. I’m sure that exists but it lets these white woken off the hook - many are very strong and their vote was a fuck you to Woke Culture (though the economy is important too). They have so much power in the country but they are like doctors who self-regulate - they don’t change unless it’s their own idea, so pronouns, anti-racism, BLM - none of it ever had a chance. They don’t accept behavioral boundaries and expectations that they don’t create themselves, so to think they can be influenced from the outside is likely wasted energy. That anti-racism, and-sexism, LGBTQIA rights will only happen on a large scale if they are behaviors they come up with in their own - they don’t accept moral truths from anyone except themselves and get defensive when asked, so I was not applying energy in debate or discussion anymore. I’m an outsider. I’m woke culture the second I ask them to do something, I’m the Evil One. And frankly it’s pretty arrogant that I would think I’m some kind of teacher anyway. There’s tons of things we can do together but I’m parting ways on these areas. It made a couple of people angry and very defensive but I didn’t engage.

I hate that stuff but I do know that for my problematic generation, it’s where important conversations happen and they know my investment in them. I got a lot of DMs, some angry comments that had some good points and a mix of other thought. I’m not indulging the inner Diane drama anymore, buckling up and getting creative on how to move forward. Being a dick to everyone that voted for him kind of feels good in the short-term but I know I’d regret it, it just doesn’t feel right to me personally. Others are in a different place.

Today, I went to acupuncture and damn, it was painful. My body is sore from all of the walking but he did note how much weight I’ve lost, which was nice (he knows I’m working on it).

Now Bud and I are snuggled on the couch under a toasty electric blanket. I fell asleep at 4am this morning, turns out a Diet Coke at 4pm when you’ve hardly had any caffeine is not the best idea. So I’ll sleep well tonight.

Hope you are resting well, grieving where needed and finding some hope in what we can learn from this and what we can do right now to have massive impact. It’s surreal bring back to having to protect Black and Brown women on the street but we are.

[shitouttabuck]

i joke, don’t i, about my dog-coded heart. i love you like a dog, i grin, and they hear devotion and loyalty and desperation for love

i love you like a dog, and that’s cute because i’m affectionate and i’m on your side and i want to be close, all the time

but i love you like a dog, and that’s everything turned up to eleven because i’m at a party on saturday night when you call me and tell me someone hurt you. there’s calm in a crisis but no sanity—just worry and the need to protect you. i sit at the foot of your hospital bed and find the girl on facebook and tell her if she ever comes near you again i will put her in the ground myself

i love you like a dog, and i sleep on the floor of your room when we get home. i walk you to class and i glare at everyone who looks at you with anything other than kindness and i pick you up from work when your boss won’t stop staring at your bare arms

i love you like a dog, and i get an email from the university regarding my behavioural issues. you can’t threaten another student, they say. but other students can tell their classmates to kill themselves? i ask. they only reply with a date for a disciplinary hearing

i love you like a dog, and you don’t come with me. you ask if i really said those things to her. of course i did. you say maybe you will go stay at your dad’s for christmas after all

i love you like a dog, and you’re realising i’m not a good one. you come home; i’m there at the door. i love you like a dog, and you’re realising that means codependence and possessiveness and doing anything for you at the cost of everything and everyone else

i love you like a dog, and this is not what you signed up for. there’s only so much training can do: i am so good at pretending i will follow every basic command, at pretending i will behave in a way that’s acceptable

do you even know the difference between good and bad? you ask me one night, halfway to tears in the kitchen when i’m standing between you and the door, begging you don’t go see her. how is what she said to me any different from what you said to her?

and i think maybe i don’t know the difference between good and bad, only what the difference means to you. i know which behaviours performed gets me a smile and a pat, and i know which has you desperate to escape my attempt to be your shadow, nose bumping your heels with every step you take away

i don’t know the difference between good and bad, i only know how to love you. but i love you like a dog, and that’s not the way you want to be loved, because keeping you safe and keeping you warm shouldn’t ever come at the price of suffocating under my heart and apologising to your colleagues for my bad manners and stubborn presence

i love you like a dog, and maybe that would be okay if i was a dog who listened. i love you like a dog and maybe that would be okay if i didn’t have a temper. i love you like a dog and maybe that would be okay if i was a dog who knew you’re coming home when you leave

but instructions and implorations mean very little when my right and wrong is all in context of your well-being, and i am capable of both bark and bite, and you stopped coming home altogether

i love you like a dog, and it’s exhausting for you. you’re not the bad guy; you gave me a home and loved me and let me love you. you didn’t ask for a problem pet—you wanted a friend to share a house with. someone to text from the grocery store, someone to make breakfast with on sundays, someone to cover late rent

i still joke about loving like a dog. i think i’m better, these days, at pretending i know where good and bad lie. pretending i care, because you care. and maybe that’s not a pretence, then. i do care because you care. i just don’t know if my love will ever stop taking priority over morality. i’ll pretend. i’ve only lost one person since you, so maybe that’s growth

you look happy in your photos. you have a cat; that made me laugh. i’m not going to click accept on the request, because i don’t think i know how to love you any different than i did six years ago. but—and you might never know this—i’m always going to love you anyway. we may have bled out, quick and messy euthanasia of the life we built, but i love you like a dog, and that shit’s unkillable

[firespirited]

everywhere but here, I am the mom.

not the 'mom friend', not fun aunt or godmother, the big sister type you go to when you're at the end of your tether and you need a mom to clean up something nasty, kill a spider, unload on someone who can handle it and not make it about them, help you pull the trigger on a hard decision you've already taken but haven't accepted. I make things happen, I connect people, I do mediation and emotional prep; I tell people their full options and help them weigh it all up. You were pondering it for a while but you left here with a lawyer's appointment and a loan we both know is a 'pay it forward' gift. I carry the secrets and the bad memories so it makes sense you move on without me when all's well. The big sister thing means I feel like family and shelter but not really like an everyday friend

Here, I get to be Saffy, bit of a klutz, silly brained with a childlike wonder for creatures and well-designed things who can talk about fear of crowds, slowly healing the relationship with my own mum, I watch horror and post about my dog. That's who I want to be, a large facet of who I am internally buuut life rarely fits the idea we have of ourselves does it?

Part of repairing the imbalanced relationship with mum was letting her do some protective mothering so i can fill the desperate ache to have one person in the world who has my back, while making my support of her more streamlined and unspoken. You know the concept of the toilet paper fairy who makes loo roll appear and always knows when to buy more, that but for groceries, electronics and paperwork, and big decisions we carry together but it has to be very businesslike and unemotional: she's as much a big sweetheart as she is fiercely independent (and ashamed/angry her daughter had to carry half the load). So now she's the one who notices or who I go to when the world has asked me to be The Mom again.

I imagine it's a lot like gay penguins: there's an ecological vacuum of big sister-mom types and some of us just have the vibes.

This winter I've done a metric ton of non-judgmental, non-condescending temporary 'parenting' of women with parents who are gone or who can't handle it and friends who aren't friends-for-that-kinda-thing. I'm really good at it, at weathering a storm for someone and being an anchor. It doesn't hurt any more because mum can be an emotional mum to me.

but I'm never sure how to talk about it here between dolls and shitposts and if i'm not specific... I mean... "chronically ill/special needs person currently or previously in abusive relationship with parent/partner who takes a while to realize and accept abuse isn't just fists but sleep depravation and symptom minimization and all sorts of tiny things that add up to life-threatening injury to the body and mind" applies to many of us dollblr folks as it does like 80% of my social circle offline.

and there's no way of saying that being around some folks is like experiencing a slow motion train wreck without sounding like an asshole.

I am that asshole.

I am goatsed out and want to be a hermit.

Did I tell you guys my doctor vented for 45 minutes about having to put her "dumbass hysterical" sister (deaf and never put in school) into care and the paperwork involved in getting disability (the thing that took me 14 years and she got her sister's transferred in 3 weeks). and I truly empathize but that wasn't very professional and your sister is a person. please.

and I can't cut M out of my life now that her kid is, as predicted, like her (and the facebook-chosen not-yet-divorced deadbeat-dad of 3 special needs kids), an adorable barely verbal two-year-old. She won't be able to navigate special needs care alone but she's still staunchly anti-vax and had a diatribe of ableism mixed with mystical pseudoscience for me, interspersed with thanks for being more family to her than her sister in helping her know how to leave a bad relationship. hokay not making this easy.

S is going to be on the hook for tax evasion if she stays with the shady useless guy she's been babying (and resenting) for 20 years solely because she doesn't like to do activities alone. three times now I've been cornered for the vent sesh. I am sitting on the floor the next time, I need blood in my brain to emote properly. and that unneutered bulldog living in the south is a crime, it can't breathe it can't think, it's all hormones and anxiety covered in fur, of course it's a nuisance around the house.

and there's more but i'm tired of typing and thinking.

[wildshona]

Hi Chris.

I ve been following Shonas profile last few months and really impressed with her beautiful writing style and stories. We had a nice conversation few times through chatting and she firstly seems like a really nice person and I wish her all the best. She’s very hot and sexy and love how much she loves sex. Really would love to have hot sex with her. She will have an amazing time. Will fuck her brains out. I’m pretty safe, I don’t abuse girls. If needed before meeting can send photo of my ID. Won’t do anything she doesn’t like or won’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want.

Either way I wish her all the best and really hope you will let this happen.

All the best

Michael

Dear Michael

Shona told me about you. You sound very plausable and acceptable but... It is important that I don't come across as controlling because I allow her an awful lot of latitude considering I am her husband and in doing that she puts herself in some situations that are not safe.

When Shona was growing up her father did not allow her on to social media (and he was extremely controlling) not because he thought that there might be a predator out there ready to seduce an innocent young teenager but because he thought that she might find someone who would help her out of her abusive upbringing.

When she finally ran away she lived on the streets for a year and experienced more abuse. She had no means to access to social media. It was only when she started living with me that the prospect of social media opened up to her. But she was scared then. It is hard to remember that for almost a year after she moved in with me, until we were married, in fact, she would rarely leave the flat.

Eventually she did go on social media without telling any one in her support network, me, Richard, Toni or her therapist. She told Tiffany about it but she is about as unreliable as a support as you can find. I think the only time (I hope) that she kept secrets from me was when she started meeting girls and men off the social media she was on at that time.

It was the bruising that made me suspicious and the lengthy silences. It was Toni who actually got her to talk during a professional meeting. Shona had met a "girl" on facebook who was slightly older than she had said but more important was the man she was with. Shona is still quite vulnerable but not as much as she was then. She has also (and I don't know what roles she has taken in your on line play) been trained to be submissive and finds it very difficult to switch out of that even to be assertive let alone dominant.

Her new friends were adding to that training and were very good at it, it seems. There were things and equipment that she had not experienced before which she found frightening but exciting too. They were also starting to take pictures and film her and there were other "visitors" to their sessions. In short, Shona had gone back into an abuse cycle.

Shona, Richard, Toni and I had a long talk. We dealt with the abusers - that was not difficult. Richard knows people who can deal with things like that. Shona was banned from social networks unless she abided by some rules - which she stretches from time to time but not to breaking point. That is why she does not show pictures of herself or her body parts - not for recognition reasons but because of the cycle that it can start her on.

But most importantly she does not voice mail, webcam or meet people from social media - not even if they say I can be there too.

On Shona's club nights she puts herself in some difficult positions but she usually has sufficient judgement and she has a very fine sense of detecting and dealing with threat. That does not matter when she is with me or Toni - or Bai, who I suppose Toni has now inducted into the looking after Shona club although, I have to say, Bai is rather more forceful and scary. I certainly wouldn't want to cross Bai.

In coming to the end and saying "No I will not allow her to meet you" you must consider all the background. It may well be that she wiould give you what she would call the "best fuck of your life" but when she gets in to the outer world she sometimes loses herself in deeper and more difficult behaviours.

She doesn't self harm as such but, given the opportunity, she will allow others, and invite them (even plead with them) to slap her, hit her, clamp her and urinate on her, in fact to harm her. Her feeling of self-worth is that fragile.

In many ways she is like a repaired porcelain doll - still beautiful but fragile.

She is my doll. Richard, Toni and Bai help me to make sure she is not broken again.

Michael, I told her to use the inbox if ever she felt the need for a backstop - if the urge to meet was getting too strong - so that others might also read my reply. Which is why this is a very long reply.

Play with her in text. If you and she wish it you can be extreme with her in text - she will tell you if you are going too far and reaching a trigger point. But I hope you will respect our wishes and not suggest that she meet you.

You might be the nicest man in the world......then again, you might not.

Best wishes

Chris

[deathmimedream]

So.

After seven months, my sibling is now cancer free, and home for outpatient physical therapy and occupational therapy as well.

It’s been a long, stressful, scary trip we never wanted to take.

He almost died, multiple times, from complications and infections.

I’m still in therapy to deal with my horridly narcissistic mother, and it’s going well. But the past months of my brother’s illness have been very stressful for all of us.

Then, Yesterday I found out a childhood friend passed away unexpectedly.

We’d even dated, and stayed close, but the time dealing with my brother’s illness caused me to drift from my socializing and I didn’t know he had passed a month ago until last night on a Facebook post as I updated friends and family that my brother was home again.

It was another blow to deal with, despite good news there was a post saying a good friend was gone, far too young and too sudden.

I spent the entire seven and more months feeling tired, stressed and I am certainly aware I said and did things that were upsetting.

At least I am now my emotional state and mental state are in a place to process everything better.

@alastors-radioshow I am sorry for things I said and did, I was so stressed and upset and just…angry that I took it out on you and others unnecessarily. I didn’t know how to express what was going on with my family when we got the diagnosis of my brother’s illness.

We had been told he might be dead in a month, and being so close to him made it difficult to bear and I lashed out.

I was trying to cling to people who I could see and touch, talk to and hold as my world fell apart around me.

and I needed and wanted to be there for my brother during this mess, afraid to lose them, him, and those closest to home.

Therapy has helped.

I’m sorry you and others were targets of my frustrations and anger in my uncertainty of thinking I might loose another family member a scant five years after losing my father, whom I was also close to.

I needed to learn to grieve, and accept that my already small family was about to be hit by possible devastating loss once more.

I’m lucky the doctors treating my brother were successful in curing him, despite the illness leaving him frail, he’s alive, and he’s home.

It’s been a hell of a tough ride, and I read messages, even if I didn���t have the energy or emotional stability to respond properly to any of them.

Do I regret things I said? Things that I did or didn’t do?

Yes.

Do I regret taking time to work on my own needs, being with my family, and rekindle connections with those close to home ?

No.

But I do miss you, all of you.

@strikers-saloon

@sharp-shooter-no-more-moxxie

@warfared

@do-these-eyes-look-human

[arisu-artnfics]

“A trip to Paris” 2

Notes: Future art piece by: @k-beckerart on Tumblr. Preview art. 

Chapter: 2/12 Previous Next (First). Versión en Español

Also on: A03 || FF || DeviantArt || Facebook.

Chapter 2: “Allies come in all forms”

It took a couple of days for the Fentons to calibrate the scanners as well as double and triple check that they were safe to use without hurting Danny. After that, Jack and Maddie worked diligently to create a stabilising agent to help Danielle. Danny couldn’t believe that they were finally going to have some closure with Dani and actually help her in the right way. Then, just as all their planning and preparations were coming together, it was time for Danny and Jazz to go back to school. 

With the whole end-of-the-world thing, plus the investigation into Vlad, and the Fentons subsequent partnership with the FBI, suffice to say the kids had been allowed to take a couple of weeks off from school. This gave the young ghost hero and his family plenty of time to adjust to their new norm. Even though some people knew Danny's secret identity now, not everyone did and the family as well as the FBI preferred to keep it that way– both to give Danny some semblance of normalcy, and to prevent excitable members of the public from acting foolish. 

The Casper High administration knew that because the family had been involved with the Disasteroid task force, the kids were approved for the time off ‘recommendation’ made by the government. The next Monday both kids would be returning to school. For Danny, that meant it was time to accept the fact that he was going to tell Mr. Lancer his secret.

Although the plan had been to keep Danny’s identity top secret, Maddie suggested that they at least tell Mr. Lancer. Not only was he the teacher that sent Danny to detention the most often, he was also the vice principal. As such, he had a big impact on Danny’s grades. Getting him on their side would surely be a big help.

Jazz wasn’t so sure about that, and Danny agreed. Lancer knowing wouldn't change the fact that he was still going to have to skip class to fight troublemaking ghosts all the time. 

It was surprisingly Jack who reminded them that their parents were in fact ghost hunters. They could compare their information with Danny’s and update their techniques to hunt ghosts correctly, especially the ones that appeared during school hours. Maddie added that it was okay to ask for help and sharing some of the work would help Danny learn to manage his time better in a way that would aid him not only in school, but in life as well. 

After a lot of back and forth, in the end even Jazz saw it as a good solution. When Danny told Sam and Tucker, at first they were sceptical of the plan, just like he had been, however, with a bit of explaining, they understood why it was a good idea. They knew their friend needed better time management skills after all. 

Now, the night before the first day of school, the Fenton family was once again sitting at their kitchen table planning something. It always seemed like the best time for these conversations was over dinner.  

“So, just to be clear,” Danny began his summary. “You guys are going to drive us to school in the morning so you can meet with Lancer after first period –which I do have with him. And if anybody asks why you’re hanging around the school, you’re going to say that you’re tracking ghostly activity, right?” “Yeah, that’s the plan, son. It’s that simple!” Jack replied confidently. “You know, you two still need to say that you and ‘Danny’ have finally decided to work together.” Jazz’s air quotes around her brother's name let their parents know she was specifically referring to Danny Phantom. “What are you talking about Jazz? I think just about the whole world knows that...” Danny trailed off when it hit him that she meant Phantom, not Fenton. 

“Well, technically, they know that we as a family–and the rest of Amity Park, for that matter–worked with you, Little Brother. But Mom and Dad haven’t exactly said anything official about a permanent truce, or anything else really…” Jazz clarified. “I mean, the people that know, you know… they, well, they know that’s not entirely true, but it’s also not a lie… I mean, they are working with their son...” 

“I see what you mean, darling, and you’re right…” Maddie rubbed her chin in thought. “We could mention it at the school before we meet with Mr. Lancer–if anyone asks, that is–that the Fentons are working permanently with the ghost boy. And once we explain your… situation to Mr. Lancer, well, he would understand why we were telling people now.” 

They hadn’t thought about how it would look, working with Danny Phantom out of nowhere. They hadn’t thought they needed to make some sort of announcement, but they did. In order to keep people from wondering why, in order to keep Danny’s secret safe.   “Your Mom is right! That would also help to keep your secret, well, secret… wait...” said Jack, getting confused with the whole conversation. Danny sighed, “I guess, you guys are right… but please… don’t overdo it… I can handle it, I have been handling all of it fine.” He was beginning to worry that if their parents allied themselves with him, they were going to be in danger, or something along those lines. 

“Don’t worry Little Brother, I have anticipated the most likely questions that people might ask after they hear that our parents are working with Phantom and written them down on these cue cards,” at this she pulled a small stack of cards out of thin air and handed them to their parents, “as well as some pre-planned answers. Stick to these and you won’t overdo it.”  “Oh, that’s great, Jazzy–pants!” said Jack, with a big smile. His children never ceased to amaze him with their ingenuity. He was so proud.  

“We’ll read over these, don’t worry Jazz. And thank you,” Maddie added, smiling proudly as well. “Okay… I guess that’s it then,” said Danny feeling a bit defeated. There was nothing he could really do to dissuade his parents.  “Yes, and now it’s getting late, so… kids, bedtime!” Maddie clapped her hands together with cheerful authority. The two teens nodded, said their respective ‘goodnights,’ and went upstairs. 

Maddie could see that Danny was still nervous about tomorrow, and she didn’t blame him. Since finding out the truth and helping with the cure for Dani, they had gained a better understanding of how difficult things had been for their son. None of it was easy, but now they had a better idea of what it meant to be a halfa. Although Danny and his parents had learned a lot more about him and what he could do, they also knew that just like Vlad, Danny would continue to grow and develop more powers. Powers that they now knew they were going to be prepared and ready to help him with. After all, they had already managed to isolate Danny’s ghostly signature and alter their weapons so they wouldn't affect him, or Danielle for that matter. Now they only needed to wait for the weekend to finally find Dani. 

While Maddie and Jack cleaned up from dinner, the kids met in Danny’s room. Jazz knew her little brother well enough to realise he wasn’t going to just tell someone that he was scared, even though he was. Not that Lancer wouldn’t believe it, but of how he would react. For that reason, for the day that awaits him tomorrow, and the fact that the family had agreed to postpone finding Danielle for the weekend, and knowing that Danny probably wouldn’t sleep well tonight, she went to her brother’s room. There Danny confirmed Jazz’s suspicions, she gently coaxed him into talking out his worries and she did her best to reassure him. Jazz promised that her cue cards would work and that he should give Mr. Lancer more credit. Even though he doesn’t always seem fair –showing favouritism to the football players or occasionally turning a blind eye to Dash’s bullying– she knew that he had helped Danny with his grades, and cared about him as his student; being a half ghost wouldn’t change that. 

When Jack and Maddie finally went upstairs to get ready for bed, they overheard part of their children’s conversation. While Maddie was a bit upset with herself for not noticing just how nervous Danny was, she was grateful that Jazz had. Jack also noticed that some comfort was being passed around and he felt a surge of pride that his kids had become such kind and sensitive people. 

When the next day arrived, the Fentons set their plan into motion. Jack and Maddie drove their kids to school, right on schedule, although their plans took a slight deviation after that. Rather than waiting in the parking lot with the excuse of ghost hunting, they ended up exchanging insurance information with some of the other parents. As usual, Jack’s driving was… enthusiastic. Sorting things out took them the whole first period, and by the time they got to Mr. Lancer’s office, Danny and Jazz were already there waiting for them.   

“Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Fenton,” Mr. Lancer greeted them. “So glad you could join us.” “Morning!” Maddie and Jack replied at the same time, sharing a smile at the coincidence. “You two said that you needed to discuss something with me, but I’m still not entirely sure why these two,” at this Mr. Lancer gestured to where Jazz and Danny were sitting in front of his desk, “need to be here. All Jasmine would tell me is that it's a family matter, and Daniel here seems to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown.” 

He looked back and forth between the kids and the parents appraisingly before closing the door to his office and offering them a seat.  With the whole family finally seated in front of Mr. Lancer's desk, Maddie began the explanation, “Well, Jazz is right, this is a family affair. And it’s about Danny...” She checked on her son who seemed to be calming down now that his parents were here. “I see...” said Mr. Lancer, pausing at his desk. “Is this because the school year is about to finish and you’re worried about his grades?” He glanced suspiciously between Danny and his parents. It wouldn't be the first time he’d seen a family rally together to help save a struggling student from being held back a year.

“What? No!” Maddie spluttered. “Well, yes… we are worried about it, but that’s not why we’re here today.” It wasn’t hard to understand why he’d come to that conclusion. It was in part why they were having this conversation, after all.  “Please, Mr. Lancer, wait until after my parents finish. Then you’ll understand what this is all about.” Jazz pleaded, hands clasped in front of her. “It’s all right, Jazz.” Danny murmured, giving her arm a calming squeeze before directing his gaze to his teacher “I kinda figured Lancer would bring that up… I mean… this whole year has been...” “Unprecedented, nightmarish, messy, crazy, ect., ect.?” Mr. Lancer supplied with a raised eyebrow, finally taking a seat at his desk. He seemed like he just caught up with the fact that he was still standing up unnecessarily.

“Yeah. All that. And ghostly…” Danny muttered the last part under his breath, avoiding eye contact with Lancer.

Maddie cleared her throat softly, “Mr. Lancer, if I may… please?” She had noticed that Danny was starting to feel bad and decided it was time to intervene. His grades were as important to him as fighting ghosts, even though it might not look like that from the outside. “Yes, of course, Mrs. Fenton. By all means, please tell me what this is all about.” Mr. Lancer had also noticed Danny’s change in attitude and decided to focus more on the parents, mainly on Maddie seeing as she was the one taking the lead. Jack sat next to her in silent support, but his worry for Danny was plain to see. “Well...” Maddie began, glancing back at Danny who nodded. 

Mr. Lancer took notice of the exchange and was about to comment when Maddie finally spoke, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Danny is ‘Danny Phantom.’” she said.  “What?” Mr. Lancer spluttered, caught off guard. “What in the name of the Scarlet Pimpernel! That doesn’t make any sense… What’s really going on here? I would have believed something like this from young Daniel…” he stopped, noticing that Maddie seemed to sincerely believe what she was saying. 

“Danny,” the boy murmured under his breath. He was a bit annoyed that Mr. Lancer still called him ‘Daniel,’ even in moments like this. Especially in moments like this. “It’s Danny.”

Mr. Lancer looked back and forth between Maddie and her son. He began to worry that something else might be happening, something that the family either doesn’t know about, or doesn’t know how to explain. Because although his student being a ghostly superhero would explain a lot, it was impossible. Wasn’t it? 

“Just show him,” Jazz suggested in a loud whisper. She knew that Mr. Lancer would believe him if only he saw it for himself. Knowledge of halfas was global now, so it wouldn’t be hard to make the connection. If they just told him without showing him, he might just think Danny was faking it, using Vlad’s revelation as inspiration.  Danny looked up at his parents who gave him an encouraging nod. “...Fine.” He sounded a bit annoyed to be put in this situation, but proceeded to stand up anyway.

“What are you doi–” Mr. Lancer began to ask. He was getting worried as to why it seemed like everyone knew something he didn’t, because show him what? “Going ghost,” Danny quietly said his catchphrase, transforming into Danny Phantom in a bright flash of light. Mr. Lancer blinked the spots from his eyes, using the silence that followed to process his thoughts. It would seem that their former Mayor wasn’t the only halfa in Amity Park. He had anticipated a few of the more creative kids would probably play pretend at being a ghost and a human at the same time, but never in his wildest dreams could he have anticipated one of his students actually being one. 

A single, quiet, “Oh” was all the stunned teacher managed to say.  “Are, are you okay, Mr. Lancer?” Danny prompted, changing back into Fenton and retaking his seat. Maybe that had been a bit too much for him after all.

“You know what Mr. Fenton, that makes a lot of sense...” Mr. Lancer finally said, looking across his desk at Danny. He gave the boy a small, sad, smile, because it did make a lot of sense. “Wait, what?” Danny said, confused. He hadn’t really been expecting that reaction, even though he had assumed that Vlad’s precedent might either help or hurt his situation.

“Well, it does… The skipping school every time there’s a ghost attack, the slacking on your homework, the sleeping in class… All starting around the same time as the ghosts showed up, it makes perfect sense. I’m assuming your whole family knows, and I hope that your parents didn’t know until recently...” Mr. Lancer gave Jack and Maddie a stern look. Just thinking about the hundreds, if not thousands, of times that he saw the Fentons hunting Phantom… it couldn’t be possible, right? 

“Of course, we didn’t!” said Maddie quickly. Neither she or Jack wanted this to be like their interrogation with the FBI, they didn’t want to have to defend themselves again. They love their kids, and would do anything to protect them. If they had known it all from the beginning, maybe the thing they needed protection from wouldn’t have been them. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The possibility of losing their kids to child services like the FBI threatened them with at the start had been a rude awakening. “We would never have knowingly hunted our son,” said Jack, the normally jovial man deathly serious. He felt the same as Maddie, remembering how bad the interview with the Feds was, especially at the beginning. “Oh, for the love of… you know what, never mind.” Mr. Lancer shook his head defeatedly. “I’m not going to think about it. I am assuming that isn’t all?” 

“You’re right about that,” Maddie sighed, her face serious. “Do you remember when the FBI interviewed our family and practically everyone around us?” She knew she had to say something about it regardless, he would need to understand the conditions that he was bound by now. 

Mr. Lancer nodded, allowing her to continue her explanation. 

“Well, they know. About Danny... Mr. Lancer, this is highly classified information we’ve just shared with you.” Her eyes pierced his, impressing on him the gravity of the situation. “They said we should keep it secret, only those who already knew and no one else.” “Oh. I see…”  Mr. Lancer’s voice was solemn with understanding. The situation was more serious than what he had originally thought. “So, your friends, Samantha and Tucker...” he raised a questioning brow at Danny. “They know. They’ve known since the beginning, actually.” Danny said with a small shrug.  “Oh, and Valerie knows… Valerie Gray. She found out while we were working on the intangibility transfer device. Well, while her father was working on it, but you know...” he shrugged again.  

“I see…” Mr. Lancer nodded. “I understand.” His hunch had been correct, Danny’s friends had been covering for him in class for a while now, and he finally knew why. The mention of Miss Gray was a bit of a surprise, but it made sense if something had happened to reveal Danny’s identity while she and her father had been working on the device. That also meant that the other people who already know are those who were involved with the task force in Antarctica. 

“With all that being said, Mr. Lancer,” Maddie called his attention back to her, “while we’re here, we would like your help with Danny’s schedule. I’m sure you’ve noticed that his time management skills could use some improvement.”

“I can agree with that,” Mr. Lancer said, giving Danny a faux stern look.

At this, Jack chimed in, “Now that we know what’s going on, we can help fight the ghosts that appear during school hours. We’ll probably still need to pull him into the field some, though, especially while we’re still getting used to things.”

“Very well, the three of us can continue to discuss a plan, but,” Mr. Lancer glanced up at the clock on the wall, “I think it’s time for Jazz and Danny to go back to class.” 

He began to pull some papers out of a drawer in his desk while the Fentons stood up from their chairs. “All right then, I guess we should get going…” Danny said, stretching his arms above his head. He was feeling very relieved that Mr. Lancer was taking it so well and seemed eager to help. He couldn’t stop his smile as he addressed his teacher, “Thank you, Mr. Lancer.”  “Why, whatever for?” he asked with a smile. Mr. Lancer wasn’t exactly sure as to why Danny suddenly seemed more relaxed, but he couldn’t be more proud. He knew that a topic like this one must be hard for the whole family, especially Danny. “Never mind, just… Thank you.” he was still smiling as he slung his backpack over his shoulder. 

“Of course,” said Mr. Lancer. He handed Danny and Jazz the papers he had just signed, “Oh, don’t forget these, your hall passes. Just give them to your teachers and your tardiness will be excused. And if there’s anything else I can do… just let me know.”  “Oh, right… Um, thank you,” Danny stuttered out, caught off guard by the kind offer. 

Maddie, Jack, and Jazz watched the scene unfold, the three unable to keep the grins off their faces, they knew that all Danny needed was a little understanding and guidance. The three of them exchanged a glance, silently agreeing to each help him in their own ways. 

“Let’s go, Little Brother,” Jazz looped her arm through Danny’s and pulled him towards the door, making sure they both had their hall passes. “And thanks again, Mr. Lancer! For everything! Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!”

“Bye, Sweety!” Maddie called back, “We’ll see you at home later!”

Jack waved, voice booming as he called out, “Bye, kiddos!” 

After the kids had gone, the three adults returned to their seats, they had planning to do, after all. Once sitting, Mr. Lancer pulled out a notebook and together they started brainstorming different ways to help Danny, both with school matters as well as ghost fighting activities–because they all knew he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. They began with an easy schedule that could help Danny better make use of his time. At one point, Lancer proposed to let some of the other teachers know about Danny’s secret, but the Fentons reminded him that the information was highly classified. It’s not the sort of thing you can just go around telling people. They had to fill out so much paperwork with the FBI in order to get approval to tell just him. That’s how Mr. Lancer knew that the issue was very serious. He asked how the FBI was keeping it a secret, but all the Fentons could say was that it was classified, and no, they didn’t know either. 

They had been at it for quite a long time when they heard the unmistakable sounds of a fight in the hallway. Mr. Lancer rushed to the door, the Fentons hot on his heels, thankfully, because this wasn’t your average school fight, this was a ghost fight. The three adults arrived at the scene just in time to see none other than Danny Phantom flung into a row of lockers.  

Jack and Maddie decided that it was about time they joined in the hunting, that was a big part of their plan, after all. They really needed to be more alert to ghost activity during school hours so Danny could concentrate more in class. Class that Danny certainly wasn’t present for right now, for obvious reasons. 

While his parents had stayed to talk with Mr. Lancer, Danny had made his way to his next class. Everything was going well, that is until Danny’s ghost sense went off. He had run out of the classroom, calling a lame excuse to his teacher on the way.

Danny found the ghost in the computer lab, it was none other than Technus. Danny had lost count of which ‘version’ he was supposed to be at this point, and he didn’t really care. Danny only knew that he was up to no good.

Every time Danny fought Technus, he boasted that his plan was better than the last and that he wouldn’t be shouting it out, and each time he failed. This time wasn’t any different. They started in the computer lab, but Danny managed to lure the ghost outside, away from all the technology in the building, only denting a few lockers on the way. Once they were on the lawn, Danny was able to create a distraction and it was in that moment that his parents attacked Technus, weakening him enough that Danny could capture him in the Fenton Thermos. 

While the Fentons joined the fight, ecto-guns blazing, it was time for Mr. Lancer to play his part. Danny had probably used an oldie, but a goodie: the Toilet Excuse to get out of class, but it wouldn’t be enough for how long this fight was going to take. He knew which teacher Danny had this period, so he just needed to find a place near that classroom to wait for him and walk him personally back to class. Perhaps he could say that he’d needed the boy’s help carrying some extra textbooks or something. Danny would likely need a place to transform back–something that it would take Mr. Lancer a bit of time to get used to–but he did manage to find a good spot for that. 

Once their battle was over, Danny handed the thermos to his parents so they could put Technus back in the Ghost Zone. In turn, his parents gave Danny encouraging nods and proud smiles. It was nice to be appreciated, but Danny really needed to get back to class. He was surprised to find Mr. Lancer waiting for him just inside the school to walk Danny back to his class, fake thanking him for helping with something in his office. When they reached the classroom, Lancer mentioned to Danny’s teacher that he had found Danny just outside the bathroom, and remembered something that he needed help with and Danny was perfect for the job. That explanation to Danny’s teacher was enough to avoid detention again, but it gained him snickers from his classmates. While being the butt of a joke wasn’t ideal, it was a whole lot better than detention. This whole situation might just work out after all.  

Danny took a seat at his desk and decided to concentrate as much as possible on today’s lesson. Sam and Valerie tried to ask what happened, but Danny only gave them a quick thumbs up and a smile to let them know it went well. He would give them a more detailed explanation after class or during their lunch break. It was times like these that they really missed Tucker, but they knew that with him being the mayor, private tutoring was the best option for him. 

At least for the rest of the day Danny wouldn’t need to worry about getting detention or fighting ghosts. He knew that his parents were going to be patrolling around the school, Lancer had his back at school, and the ghost of the day-or at least for the time being- was trapped in the Fenton Thermos. He could just relax with his girlfriend and Valerie, and he would get to do a video call with Tucker during the lunch break. 

Things were looking good, after all this time, even though it had been a lot of new things to get used to. Danny never thought –even when he had seen it before– that it would feel so good telling people his secret. Of course, he wasn’t just going to go around telling people left and right, it had to be to select people. Letting Mr. Lancer into the fold had been more strategy than anything else, but it was still nice to have him on the team. 

The day ended without further incident. Team Phantom enjoyed talking with their mayor friend during lunch. They caught him up with the situation at the school and told him how Lancer had reacted to the news. Tucker, likewise, updated them with the news of his personal proposal. 

Because the last mayor had been a crazy halfa, and his teenage ghost hunters were fired and dismissed, the whole town had been under siege by ghost attacks. Something needed to be done, and it was going to take a lot of work for the city to recover. Tucker, as the mayor selected after a major disaster like this, would have to step up to the plate. It would be a full time job, with no time to go to school. So, the rest of the politicians and personnel of the city council decided that the best course of action was that he should have private tutors, since he hadn't graduated from high school just yet. Tucker, since winning the election and realising, or rather learning, that he wouldn’t be able to go to Casper high any longer, began working on a proposal. It was as follows: he would serve as mayor until the next election, at which point he would leave his position until later in life, should he wish to run for re-election. With his parents' help, Tucker had proposed his return to Casper high in the next school year to the city council. They had approved it, but in the meantime, Tucker had to pass his classes and learn more about politics, especially those of Amity Park. He was allowed to communicate with his old friends only during breaks, however his private tutors made sure that his schedule was similar to what he was used to. Those tutors also knew about his friends and about Danny’s secret identity, but they wouldn't say a word, not only because they got a ‘friendly’ warning from the FBI, but because they had always considered him a hero, even before he had become recognized as both a local and global hero by everyone else. 

Danny Fenton was happy with how everything seemed to be working out. His parents and Mr. Lancer had come up with a good plan to help him out during school hours. They helped him to create a better way to manage his time after school that not only would allow him to keep fighting ghosts when needed, but to also just be a teen. He would have time to take care of his responsibilities, homework and chores and the like, as well as to have fun with his friends. Danny never thought that all he needed was a little help with time management. His grades were already improving, and with the rest of the school year to go, he knew he would pass his classes.

Just like that, the time flew by and the week turned into the weekend. It was finally time to look for Danielle. To be continued :D :D

[hi-its-meg]

I’ve cried so much these past few days. My heart just hurts so much.

Growing up I had quite a few close friends. 4 families really accepted me as their own and I spent a lot of time hopping between their houses so I wouldn’t have to go home- I’d go weeks without going home. I was always welcome no questions asked- even on school nights, I was always fed, I was always looked after, and I was always loved.

One of these families was just so filled with love and acceptance and they truly had the healthiest family dynamic I’ve ever seen. The parents were best friends and they never stopped being so in love. They cherished their kids and everyone their kids loved. That house literally poured acceptance and encouragement. Their love was the kind you dream of- the kind where there is absolutely no doubt that they were meant to be together. No amount of hardship was going to stand in their way and they faced a lot of it over the years- from health issues, financial ups and downs, and their families not supporting them as an interracial couple.

Three years ago the dad died and their entire world fell apart. They lost everything- they lost their house, they had to rehome their dogs (the only dog my friend still has is my dogs brother. The dad LOVED him so much that my friend couldn’t let him go. I offered to take him if they needed since I couldn’t let my dogs brother go to a shelter when I’m the one who brought him here, but thankfully my friend made it work), and everyone got separated at that point just so they could all survive. It destroyed the mom. She struggled so much these past few years.

Last week I had to message my friend because I saw a post her mom made on Facebook saying that she was going to end her life. I’m so thankful I saw it so quickly and she was able to send an ambulance to her mother’s apartment in time. A couple days in the hospital and she was back at home and seemed to be doing better.

Yesterday we got the news that she has passed. It doesn’t appear to be self inflicted thankfully, but it’s so sudden and unexpected. My heart is so broken for my old friend and her younger sister. They have no parents anymore. We’re all in our 20s, they shouldn’t have to go the rest of their lives without their parents who loved them so much. It’s just not fair that the best example of a loving family many of us had ever seen got destroyed like this. I cannot express how amazing these parents were and how much their daughters did not deserve this. My heart is just so broken for them.

The mom saved my life as a teenager and I will never be able to thank her enough. She forced my family to stop ignoring that I was hurting myself and that I really needed help. I’ve known and loved this woman since I was 7 years old. She always listened and she always cared.

A bunch of us stayed the night in their basement- which was super common- but this time my now-husband was there. We had been dating for a couple of months at the time. My friend group was always pro boy/girl sleepovers so this wasn’t anything scandalous. The next morning I got up and she was making breakfast for us all. She grabbed my shoulder and smiled at me and she gushed over my husband. She was so happy that I was finally moving on from my ex and she hadn’t seen me this happy in a long time. That he seemed like a good one and that everyone loved him being there. She always knew what to say.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I think maybe I just needed to get it out of my head. This will be the first funeral I’ve gone to where I’ve truly been impacted and loved by this person and I think I’m struggling with that. I’m struggling with how unfair the world is.

The first girl I ever had feelings for passed suddenly a couple days before this. The girl that made me realize that I liked women and I could truly see myself loving her if she let me. I always thought she was the most beautiful person. Her name became my favorite name, it’s still my favorite name. She was so funny and so kind to me when a lot of people weren’t back then. She had a hard time in life but she never stopped being so kind. It’s really sad that she’s gone.

Death tends to come in 3s so now I’m just waiting.