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nooneelsecomesclose17 · 3 years

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No doubt in my mind where I belong

Ok, so I've been thinking about this one for a while and anyone who follows me will know just how incensed I still am at the whole 'Paddy locking Aaron in his own house' episode, so this is my attempt at trying to make it just a little more bearable. I've had to rejig the whole going on the run thing so canon as it was pretty much stops when Vic walks in to tell them that L** is dead.

I've used some of the dialogue from the ep itself, but yeah, I've tried to make it better.

(A03 link)

When he was a kid he caught the end of one of those dramas about the apocalypse and it scared him. He’d gone downstairs late one night, wanting some water and he’d peeked through to door to see his Mum and Dad watching it. For weeks after he’d had nightmares of the world ending and him being all alone. When it actually happens though, it’s not with a bang or anything so dramatic. In reality it’s two little words that bring his world crumbling down around him.

“Lee’s dead.”

The room is perfectly quiet at Vic’s words, as if none of them quite know what to do. All he can see is Robert’s panicked face. They both know what this means. It means a murder charge, at best manslaughter. It means Robert going to prison, possibly for years.

Then Robert’s talking, his voice carrying through the fog of panic that’s filling his head.

“If anyone’s going then it’s me on my own.”

He stares at him, their silent conversation telling him everything. His next words are the truth, he’s useless without him. There’s no question that he’s staying behind

From then it’s a rush, making sure Seb’s taken care of, that Vic will take him back to Rebecca and try to explain, packing enough clothes for the night, they don’t have time for anything else. When he comes out of the bathroom, hands full of stuff they might need he finds Robert sitting on the bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Is this the right thing?”

“Yeah. There’s no other choice. Robert we don’t have time. We have to go.”

“We won’t get anywhere, you don’t think they’ll have my name everywhere as soon as they can? How will we even get out of the country?”

“Look, let’s just get out of here first and then we’ll sort it. If we stay here the police will come and then we’ll have no choice. If we leave we have a chance.”

“I should go on my own. You don’t need to be dragged into this.” He shakes his head, there’s no way, the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. “I mean it. Your family, the scrapyard, I’d be dragging you away from it all because I was stupid.”

“You’re my husband, you think that stops just because things get tough? I meant those vows you know. Now come on, get packed.”

Even in his wildest dreams he hadn’t thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to Seb. He tries to say everything he needs to while the little boy plays with his trucks. The little boy he’d once thought he could never love, who had won him over the minute he held him. Would he ever remember them, would he hate them for leaving him like this? He presses a kiss to the top of his hair and then makes his excuses about sorting the two cars because he can’t watch Robert say goodbye to his son.

By the time Robert’s done his Mum and Paddy are there and he makes the goodbyes as quick as he can but of course his Mum doesn’t want him to go, using the baby to try and stop him, demanding he doesn’t leave. He says the only thing he can.

“I choose Robert.”

—————

It was idyllic, the sun coming through the trees, the only noise the birds singing and the distant hum of traffic.. It really was idyllic. If he closed his eyes he could imagine they were on a picnic, the three of them, Seb taking a nap after wearing himself out exploring, he and Robert enjoying the quiet. Instead he’s looking around expecting the police to jump out any second. They’d driven for an hour, far enough away that they wouldn’t be found quickly, driving the cars down a track that looked like it hadn’t been used for years, deep enough that it couldn’t be seen easily, and now they were waiting, sat in the woods like they had years before.

"So we're agreed?" Robert asks breaking the silence. They’d talked this over so many times and there was no other way.

"Yeah." They needed to get out of the country and to do that they needed passports. Robert’s contacts had come up blank, leaving Aaron with no choice but to call Cain. Now it was all set. "I'll go and get the passports from Cain and more of our stuff, then meet you. Cain can pick up the car we leave later.”

"And you're really sure? Because it's asking a lot I know and I won't...if you wanted to stay."

"I'm sure." It wasn't even a question. No one got it, not his Mum, not Liv, no one. He thinks maybe Cain comes the closest. He had to be with Robert. Couldn't even contemplate letting him go. “Like I said, useless without ya, aren’t I?”

“I know but…we can never come back Aaron. Can you really handle not seeing Liv again, or your Mum or the baby?”

“I can’t handle not seeing you again. I’m not saying it’ll be easy but there isn’t a choice. Throughout our lives together remember. That wasn’t just about the easy bits.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Stuck with me now though.” Robert grins, the first one since they’d heard the news and he smiles back. “Right, so you find somewhere near the port then text me.”

“Right.”

“I’ll find you and then we’re gone.” It sounded so so simple, he could only hope it was that easy in reality.

"Then it’ll be me, you, little chateau, by the river maybe.” It sounds like a dream.

“We could even get a little veg patch."

"Fancy yourself in a pair of wellies do you?" Robert's laughing and for a few seconds he revels in it, the normality, before he sobers. "We're really doing this aren't we?"

"Looks that way."

"And it doesn't matter that we'll have nothing?”

“Are you forgetting I’ve done this before.” There was some kind of joke in there, going on the run twice in a lifetime. “ been there done it, got the criminal record

“You had Ed then.”

“Yeah, for all the help he was. Spent most of the first month panicking every time he saw a uniform. The security guard at the local supermarket nearly gave him a heart attack. At least you’ve got a bit of sense about you.”

“Cheers.”

“Listen to me, I don’t care what I have as long as I’m with you. What about you? I mean you're leaving behind just as much as I am."

"I don't have any choice though. I can’t handle prison Aaron, I know it. Anyway, I’d rather live out my days living my best life with you with nothing than not have you at all. But you, you have a choice.” He pretends not to hear the wobble in his voice because this is where they are now, they've made the choice. No going back.

“No I don’t.” They go back to sitting in silence, waiting, thinking, until his phone lights up. He picks up his phone. "It's Cain. He's got them.”

“That was fast.”

“Amazing what you can get if you offer enough money.”

"You're sure going back to the village is safe? Why couldn’t he meet you somewhere else.”

“I don’t know, there’s something up with him. I’ll be fine, I’ll be in and out. They can't get me on anything anyway. The worst they can do is hold me up but like I said, you wait twenty four hours and if I'm not there you go, however you can.”

"But..."

"No. You go. I mean it Robert you get away. I'll find you. Don't you dare do anything stupid like giving yourself up."

"Yes boss.” He takes a minute, just in case, to drink him in and then he’s getting up, kissing him, lingering as long as he dares before he leaves.

—————

He's halfway home when Cain calls telling him he's held up and to wait, that he's sending them over with Billy. Aaron rolls his eyes at that, him of all people. Whatever is going on with his uncle better be worth it.

He's sat at the edge of the village not daring to go any further until he has to, for all his bravado in front of Robert, he doesn't much fancy being hauled in by the police, even if they couldn't actually prove he'd helped Robert in any way. It would just waste time. Time they didn't have.

After he’s met Billy and got the passports and the cash Cain has managed to get together, he goes to the house, wanting to grab enough to tide them over for a few days. Sentimental it might be but he threw a few pictures of Seb in too alongside their wedding album. At least they’d have the memories wherever they ended up. As he’s zipping up the bag he hears the door slam downstairs.

"Hello?" Instantly on edge he grabs the bag making his way to the top of the stairs, half expecting find a police firearm in his face. Instead he finds Paddy standing between the stairs and the door. "Paddy, what is it? I don't have a lot of time."

"I saw Billy.” Fucking Billy, he should’ve known he'd mess it up.

"I don't need this." He goes to walk past him, cursing Cain, but Paddy stops him, and that's when he sees Liv sat at the table. "Paddy get out of the way,"

"Listen to him Aaron."

"I know what he wants to say and I gave you my answer this morning. I choose Robert. Now move, I need to go."

“No. I can’t let you do this to your mother. Not when she’s in the state she is.” There it was the tone he was so used to, like he was a naughty child. He wasn’t that person any more.

“She’s pregnant Paddy, and everything is fine so there’s no need for the dramatics. Did she send you?”

“No, but she’ll probably know by now. I told Marlon.”

“Terrific. Why not just send an email to Hotten nick. So, what are you going to do about it? And what's your part in all this?" He switches his attention to his sister, suddenly mute in the corner.

“I’m trying to help you see sense.”

“Liv, don’t do this. You told us this morning, you said we should go.” All he gets is a shrug.

“I changed my mind, I don’t want you to go. At least let us talk. You didn’t even give us a proper chance to say goodbye.”

"You understand that the police could’ve turned up any minute night? Did you want me to throw a party?"

"Aaron."

"What!" He turns back to Paddy. "You know what. I don't have time for this. Robert's waiting."

"You're really going to throw your life away. for him?" The sneering tone whenever he talks about Robert is back. Had it ever gone away or had he just ignored it. “You won’t be able to come back. Can you really do that, give up everything? Everything you’ve managed to build up here, the life you have?”

“That’s what you don’t understand.He is my life! Nothing else matters except for him.”

“You’re about to do the most stupid thing imaginable. For him. He killed someone Aaron."

"A rapist. Don't you ever try and tell me I should feel sorry for someone like him. Robert did the world a favour and if you didn't hate him you'd admit it."

"He broke the law and just like always he thinks he can just get away with it,”

"You call this getting away with it? He wishes he was surprised that Paddy was behaving like this but he wasn't. "He's giving up everything, his business, his home, his family, his son. You think that's easy?"

"Maybe he should've thought about that before he killed someone. Maybe Seb will be better off." Aaron can't help himself, steps up in Paddy's face ignoring Liv's protests and it takes everything he’s got not to push him out of the way. Only because it’s him does he not give into the urge.

“Whatever you think about Robert even you can’t deny he’s a good Dad. The best Dad, so don’t even go there.” He bends to pick up the bag again. “I’m done. I need to go, so are you going to let me pass?”

"No. You're staying here until you see sense.” Paddy nods at Liv and she finally moves. He frowns as all she does is go to the kitchen window. It takes a few seconds to realise she’s locking them.

"You're not serious?"

“Every door and every window is locked. I love you Aaron, you’re not going to get your own way. I'm not letting you ruin you life over him.”

"So you're keeping me prisoner?” He’s going to wake up in a minute and find this is some kind of drug induced nightmare he’s sure of it.

"If necessary."

"For how long?” They can’t be serious. Any minute now they’re going to laugh and send him on his way because he’s having a hard time believing that people he loves would do this to him.

"As long as it takes.”

"Best get comfy forever then because the second your back is turned I'm gone.” He’s not quick enough to stop Paddy moving past him and he can only watch as he throws the keys into the waste disposal.

“Oh that was clever. So tell me, how are you going to get out?”

“I’ll think about that when you’re not being so stupid.” He sits in the chair he’s moved to in front of the door, the one he picked out, the one they argued over because it didn’t match the sofa and Robert hated, the one he insisted on because it was big enough for both of them to sit in if they were really close.

“I’m being stupid? You’ve just locked three adults in a house and thrown the keys away. Real mature that. Now you’ve had your fun, but I’m done. You either let me leave or I’m callin’ the police.”

“Go ahead. I doubt they’ll let you go any more than I will.” He just stares at him, wondering where the Paddy he used to know had gone. The one who had seen him through one of the toughest times in his life, who had sat by his hospital bed when he’d thought there was no point in carrying on. The person in front of him wasn’t that man, he didn’t know who this was.

“I’ll have to take my chance won’t I?”

”Aaron. Don't be ridiculous. You’ll go to prison!”

“Fine. Not like I’m going to have a life here is it? If you’re willing to stand by and let me go back there then so be it.” He’s bluffing, it’d kill him he knows it would, but maybe just maybe it’ll bring them to their senses.

“He’s not worth ruining your life over!”

“See that's what you don't get. He is my life. Without him…without him I don’t have anything.” He ignores the cry coming from Liv. He didn’t mean to hurt her but he’s only speaking the truth. Without Robert he’d merely be existing.

He knows exactly how it would go, a repeat of the months after they broke up. The sympathetic looks would last for so long and then their tactics would change, the odd mentions of cute guys, of how he should get out more, how Robert wouldn’t want him wasting his life. He wouldn’t be able to cope with it, not again.

He has to come up with something, he was wasting time here, and they weren’t going to budge he knew that, but he had to get out. He’s frantically trying to think where there might be a spare key hidden. Robert was obsessive about them losing their keys so he had them stashed everywhere but right now his brain is so muddled he can’t remember where he put them.

“Seeing sense are you?”

“No, just trying to work out how to get out without hurting you.”

“You can’t. And besides we can’t let you. You’ll see we’re right in the end. You know the police, they’d think he masterminded this. All you’re doing is adding time to his sentence when they catch you, which they will.”

“We’ll be long gone by then.”

“You and Robert against the world? Do you think that’s going to last forever, that you’re not going to resent each other for everything you’ve had to give up.” They’re wrong and he wants to shout it from the rooftops. He doesn’t have anything to give up that’s worth more than Robert and if they’re together then nothing else would matter.

“This is our only option you know, I’m not choosing this.”

“But Robert did. Robert chose the day he ignored you and Victoria, the day he went out and attacked Lee, just like I did the day I went to Pierce’s office and smacked him one for what he did to Rhona.”

“There you go. He was just protecting his sister.”

“But she didn’t want that Aaron. Can’t you see, this is what he does! He always has to get his own way! It was all about him, and what he wanted. I was the same, it was about my need to do something. Ended up nearly ruining the court case for Rhona in the end.”

“Yeah, well Vic didn’t even get a court case did she?”

“That’s not the point and you know it. He still killed someone, someone’s son, someone’s brother.”

“Paddy you really are mental if you think I’m going to feel one ounce of sympathy for a rapist.”

“Aaron, he’s not a hero. He’s selfish, and he’s reckless and I know you don’t want to hear this but if he valued your marriage even half as much as you do…”

“Oh Paddy will you just be quiet. You know nothing about our marriage. The only time you bother with us is to tell us what we’re doing wrong or when Mum drags you. I get it, you don’t like him.

“And why is that? He’s turned you against us, me and your Mum.”

“No, no. You’ve done that yourself. Do you think he didn’t tell me what you said before our first wedding? When we broke up? Always in his ear like an annoying little flea aren’t you, whispering your poison. Whatever you say isn’t going to change anything, you might as well save your breath.”

“This is the man who tried to kill me. Twice. He cheated on you. He had a child with someone else and then forced you to take him on. He’s not yours Aaron and he never will be, not really.” That hurt, even now after all this time, because it’s true, in reality he’ll never have any claim on Seb. He knows that if this goes wrong, if Robert ends up in prison he’ll lose the both of them.

“No. You stop right there. I love Seb. You know you’re so obsessed with biology and yet you reckon I’m your son.” He shrugs, biting his thumb nail. “When was the last time you saw Leo?”

“What?” Finally he thinks he’s managed to wrong foot him, sitting there with his head tilted to one side, a habit that Aaron hadn’t realised was so annoying until today.

“When did you last see Leo. You do remember him don’t you? Nearly nine years old, blonde, you used to call him your son.”

“That’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair is you lecturing me on all of Robert’s wrongs when you're not so squeaky clean yourself are you. Now you’re with Mum you barely want to know Leo. I suppose I should be thankful you still speak to me, although right now I’d rather you weren’t.”

“Aaron, why are you being so horrible? Paddy’s always looked out for you.”

“Has he Liv? Really? Where was he when I was going through the worst thing a person can go through? When I had to take my own father to court, to stand up in front of strangers and tell them what he did to me? Where was he?”

“Wait a minute…”

“No. He’s so keen to talk about Robert’s failings, but Robert was there. He listened to me, he let me talk, he didn’t lecture or tell me what was best for me. He stood by me the whole way through, he was there in court by my side every day.” He stands up and leans over Paddy, hands clutching the leather of the chair. “You, you turned up what twice and then as soon as it was over you upped and left me to it because you’d been found out after having an affair. That’s not what a Dad does.”

“You didn’t want me near you if you remember.”

“Because you’d had an affair! Something you keep crucifying Robert over. Face it Paddy, you’re a hypocrite. You hold everyone to such a high standard and yet you can’t even meet it yourself. If you truly loved me like you say you do you’d have been there anyway. I told Robert to do one numerous times and yet he was still there.”

“Oh Robert’s so perfect isn’t he?”

“I’ve never said that, no one is perfect, but he doesn’t stand on the moral high ground like you do lording it over everyone.”

“And yet he’s got you going on the run, away from your family. You can face the truth or not Aaron but he’s the one who’s put you here, all because he couldn’t control his temper."

“Whatever. I don’t need to hear this, just move.”

“No!” He’s shouting now, getting up out of the chair grabbing at his arm.

“Don’t be stupid Paddy.”

“Why, what you going to do? You gonna hit me?”

“No.” He’s so close all those old feelings of being trapped flooding back and doesn’t know if he can stop it. For all he’s better now, it’s still there.

“Well that’s the only way you’re going to get past me isn’t it?” It’s the hand on the shoulder that shakes him out of it, swings round so fast only to see Liv’s shocked face looking back at him.

“This is what he does you see Liv, lashes out, so he doesn’t have to listen, so he can turn it into a fight”

“You’re the one pushing me to it, and you know it.”

“Cos you know we’re right, like the last time you decided to beat me up.”

“Paddy stop it, that’s not fair.” He actually can’t believe he’s brought that up. He’s changed, surely he knows that. He’s not that petrified kid anymore.

“Tell me I’m wrong Aaron. Me, Jackson, James, Kasim, even Robert. Any time you’re in a temper or things aren’t going your way you lash out.” He can’t speak, just nods, fighting back tears, refusing to let them see him upset.

“Fine. If that’s what you think.” He sniffs, stands up straight. “If I’m so bad, if I’m such a violent person then you won’t need me around anymore.”

“Now hold on, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“No. Clearly I’m not someone you think very much of so there’s no point me staying any longer.” He wishes he was more surprised, but when he thinks back there’s always been an air of disappointment, like he’s never quite been good enough. He’d never be able to thank Paddy enough for taking him in, helping him, but it’s almost as if he’s expected to pay for that by conforming to his, and his Mum’s, idea of what his life should be like, and when he doesn’t they bring out the emotional blackmail, and bring up all his past mistakes.

He knows he’s done that himself, with Robert, can remember sitting on that sofa and calling Seb a mistake, seeing the light go out in Robert’s eyes as if he’d realised that he’d never be able to forget that one moment of stupidity. He should never have done that, especially as he hadn’t even meant it, had just been lashing out in his helplessness over Liv. He knows how that feels, how could he have made Robert feel like that.

“You’re going to break your Mum’s heart.” He barely manages to stop from rolling his eyes. Maybe she’d be upset, no he knew she would, but deep down he knew she understood even if she’d never admit it.

“She’ll get over it. She managed before when I went to France.”

“And you came home then, what makes you think you’ll be able to do it this time?”

“I’ll be with Robert.” They could do anything as long as they were together, as sappy as that sounded. They’d already got through so much, this wouldn’t be the thing to break them. “He’s all I need, and you can argue all you like but it’s the truth. I’ll never forgive you if you do this Paddy, I swear."

“I’ll take the risk. I’m still not letting you out. Your Mum would never forgive me and you might not think so now but you’ll thank me one day.”

“It doesn’t matter, because like I told you, as soon as you leave I’m gone. You can’t keep me here the rest of my life.”

“I don’t need to, the police will catch up with him eventually.” He can’t believe he’d actually wish someone to go to prison like this, it’s such a world away from the Paddy he’d lived with, the one who’d taken him in.

“You know, I used to think you were the best, I wished you’d been my Dad, that I’d always had you. But that person, he would support me, he would understand. I’m twenty seven years old Paddy, I’m not that messed up kid you took in, not any more. You can’t force me into doing what you want any longer.”

“Someone has to. I’m not standing by while you mess up, again and ruin not just your life but ours too. You say you’re not a kid anymore, well start acting like it.”

He just shakes his head, there’s no point talking anymore, he was getting nowhere. He checks his watch, it’s been hours and he’s running out of time. It’s dark outside, surely someone will have noticed Paddy is missing by now but he can’t rely on that. He’d never be able to call Cain, they’d probably break his phone. No, he has to sort this himself, has to stop relying on other people.

All he can think about is Robert sitting somewhere alone, waiting, wondering. Maybe he thinks Aaron’s had second thoughts, has decided he’s not worth it, hates that he knows it’s the first thing Robert will think and that he can’t do anything to take that away.

He can’t bear the thought of him out there alone, knowing no one, having to hide, not being able to contact anyone. At least if he’s with them then they have each other.

He needs a plan, because there is no way he’s letting Robert believe that Aaron doesn’t love him enough to do this.

“Have you ever been in love Paddy?” He asks quietly. Liv’s asleep and he doesn’t want to wake her.

“What?”

“I said have you ever been in love?”

“I’ve been married four times.”

“We both know that means nothing. I mean real, intense, passionate love. The kind where if you’re away from them too long it actually aches. The kind where you’d willingly die just so they could live. Have you ever felt like that?” He’s silent, like he knew he would be. “Because that’s me and Robert. That day, in the car, I told him to go, to save himself, to leave me so he could save himself.”

“So?”

“So...if you’ve never felt that then you can’t even imagine how much you’re hurting me right now.” For a minute he thinks maybe he’s got through to him, Paddy’s staring at him and maybe he’s finally seeing it.

“See, if that’s true, then Robert would willingly let you stay so that you could have your life when he can’t have his. He wouldn’t make you do this.”

“For God’s sake Paddy, he’s not making me. The only one making me do anything is you.” He doesn’t answer and Aaron sighs, sitting back in the chair.

They sit in silence for hours. His eyes are permanently fixed on the clock over the mantelpiece, the minutes and hours ticking by. He’s seriously short of time now, and if he doesn’t get out soon there’ll be no point. He looks around, Liv’s still curled up asleep on the sofa worn out from the constant arguing. Paddy’s still in the chair, he looks asleep but Aaron’s not going to take it for granted.

He’s about to give up hope when it comes to him, can only hope they haven’t realised, that they’ve forgotten it. He wishes it didn’t have to be this way, wishes he could’ve made them see that this was what he wanted, that without Robert there was no point. They’d never change though, so convinced that what they believe is true, and he had to do what was best for him.

Once upon a time he would’ve caved, would’ve given in just to keep them happy, that it would be the only way they’d love him, if he did what they wanted. He knows better now, Robert has taught him that love is unconditional, or it should be.

He gets up, checks they’re still sleeping. As quiet as he can he picks up the bag, eyes fixed on Paddy silently begging him not to wake up. As soon as he’s in the bathroom with the door locked he springs into action, nearly cheering when he finds the window unlocked.

“Not so clever after all eh?” He whispers, pushing it as wide as it’ll go, throwing the bag out onto the ground.

He studies the window, hoping he can fit. Then again, Robert did. If nothing else it’ll give them a laugh later on.

Before he knows it he’s out, the night air cool around him. For a second he thinks he should break back in, let them out, but he reasons with himself that the two of them got into the mess, they would have to get out of it. He drags his phone from his pocket dialling the familiar number.

“Robert? It’s me.” His voice is shaking from the adrenaline and he wants to laugh at the fact he’s just escaped from his own house. He would if it wasn’t so ridiculous and he wasn’t so angry.

“Aaron, what’s taking so long?”

“I’ll explain later. Where are you?” He gives him the name of a place and then he’s quiet and Aaron knows he’s waiting for him to tell him he’s not coming, that he’s changed his mind. “Rob?”

“I’m here.”

“I’m on my way. I promise.” He tells him, jumping into the car. He wishes they’d had time to find another car but as it is he’ll just have to be careful and as much as it would slow him down he’d have to keep to the speed limit to avoid any unwanted attention.

“I’ll wait.” He smiles. That’s all he needs to know.

He doesn’t want to leave Liv like this, he knows she’d only done it because she cares. Maybe Paddy did too, but there was a part of him that knew if it had been anyone but Robert, they wouldn’t have stopped him. It has to be this way. Maybe one day they’ll see each other again, somehow. Maybe one day he’ll forgive them, but right now that’s not important. What’s important is his future and he knew exactly what that meant.

His future was with Robert now.

#robron fic #really nervous about this #because it sounds better in my head than on paper #but hopefully you'll all enjoy it #do i need to tag anti paddy?

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pcwpolwrestling · 5 years

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Feeling the 'Bern'/Sanders In/Extreme Election Night 2016 Review: PCW Newsline

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LAST WEEK ON EXTREME POLITICAL TV:‘Low Level Reporter at the New York Times Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder gets offended at ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave’s ‘Fake News’ t-shirt.

PCW Owner Dawn McGill talks about her experience being ‘detained’ by the Coke Brothers/George Moros/The Establishment.

The Champion of the Political Universe (which sounds really impressive if you think about it) ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay stops by to watch Truckin’ Average Company (Ken Worth-American Trucker/Average Joe/Brad Company) defeat Georgia-Florida State Line and Mr. Wrestling XXXIV.

Russian Collusion comes up. Fox News’s Tucker Carlson tells Colleen that THERE…WAS…NO…RUSSIAN…COLLUSION after she complains about Russian referee Corrina Romanov coming back to officiate a match (Romanov was the referee of the Trump-Clinton match at Extreme Election Night 2016).

Jill Berg Enterprises continues to woo Charlie Blackwell of the Sports Entertainment Corporation.

The Shutdown was averted thanks to a deal brokered by Executive Committee President Nancy Pelosi (CA-Progressive Alliance) and American Patriot Leader Mitch McConnell (KY-American Patriots.

But then CEO of the Political Universe Donald Trump (NY-American Patriots) declares a Security Emergency and gets into it with CNN’s Jim Acosta again.

‘New Age Sensitive Guy’ Blaine Thomas-Taylor vs. ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five makes his PCW debut and defeats ‘New Age Sensitive Guy’ Blaine Thomas-Taylor.

‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann visits McGill and warns her she can’t defeat the Establishment.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez celebrates preventing Amazon from building a new headquarters in New York City. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott comes out and he’s not impressed.

Main Event: Scott defeats SNAFU.

BERNIE SANDERS JOINS THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE CEO RACEBernie Sanders (VT-Progressive Alliance) announced this week that he is joining the increasingly crowded 2020 race.

Sanders competed in 2016 and lost to with eventual Progressive Alliance standard bearer Hillary Clinton in a hard fought contest in 2016 Hillary Clinton. Clinton went on to lose at PCW Extreme Election Night 2016 to Donald Trump.

Sanders joins a field including Cory Booker (NJ), Kamala Harris (CA), Julian Castro (TX), Tulsi Gabbard (HI), John Delaney (MD), Richard Ojeda (WV), former tech executive Andrew Yang (NY), Elizabeth Warren (MA), and Amy Klobuchar (MN).

Others who may join the race: Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Pete Buttigieg (IN), Former PCW COO Joe Biden, billionaire Michael Bloomberg (NY), and Sherrod Brown (OH).

RED BRAND SHOWAs both shows get back into gear following the month plus long shutdown, here’s how the Red Brand shows breaks down at the moment.

The Red Brand Champion remains ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ Kirk Walstreit representing Jill Berg Enterprises. JBE also boasts P.M.C. Banks, Big Oil, and 4 time PCW champion Yamamoto Tanaka in their ranks plus Berg herself is a former PCW champion.

Jill Berg Enterprises also has the Red Brand Tag Team champions in Banks and Walstreit- who also hold the Champions of the Political Universe Tag Team belt as well.

The Sports Entertainment Corporation still has Charlie Blackwell in their ranks for now.

A new group is forming called Main Street USA. Farmer John and John Deere are their feature wrestlers and Sarah Mae Smith is the headliner on the women’s side.

The American Military Complex faction has formed featuring the newly signed Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and kid sister Daisy Cutter-Bomb.

Lastly, the religious right is also represented by The God Squad: Rev. Oral Hinnrich and Rev. Buddy Flambe with Sister Mary Marlboro.

BLUE BRAND SHOWLooking at the Blue Brand show, Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels is the featured wrestler as the Blue Brand champion. Daniels represents the very strong and influential Hollywood contingent in the Progressive Alliance.

Big Labor has James the Auto Worker and Union Jack Taylor- the Blue Brand’s Tag Team Champions.

A Tech/Silicon Valley group has just formed with Myles Microshoft being their feature wrestler.

Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher aka ‘Seriously Bad Lawyers with Seriously Bad Combovers’

The hard left has the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior and Professor McCarthy’s Flock.

Paddy O’Kennedy and Mark Ditka make up the moderate faction in the Progressive Alliance. Kathryn Randall Collins is a longtime stalwart of the women’s division.

PCW RANKINGS

PCW Title Champion: The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism #1 Contender: Jack Fraiser #2 Contender: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott #3 Contender: SNAFU #4 Contender: Average Joe

PCW Tag Team Title Champion: Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and Halitosis #1 Contender: The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson #2 Contender: The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny #3 Contender: Truckin’ Average Company: Ken Worth-American Trucker and Brad Company #4 Contender: Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice

THIS WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV-More on Bernie Sanders jumping into the 2020 race. -The Washington Post gets sued.-PCW Champion ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism attacks Blue Brand Champion Kevin Daniels at a Blue Brand show. -The PCW Tag Team champions Island of Misfit Wrestlers are in action.-The Champion of the Political Universe ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay is also on the card.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2016 Back at the broadcast table with Johnny Suave sitting on the left, Colleen Crowder on the right.

Johnny Suave: Well, if it gets Barbra Streisand to leave the country, there’s as a good reason as any to root for Donald Trump.

Colleen turns to him with a surprised look of disgust.

Colleen Crowder: How dare you say that? Barbra Streisand is a national treasure.

Johnny Suave: So is the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada.

Colleen’s jaw drops.

Johnny Suave: Let’s see how Trump arrived here tonight.

She turns to Johnny.

Colleen Crowder: I can’t believe you compared Barbra Streisand to a rabbit farm.

(FILM CLIP-AMERICAN PATRIOTS GAUNTLET MATCH: Donald Trump vs. Jeb Bush, John Kasich, and Ted Cruz-Taped July 21st in Cleveland, Ohio) Johnny Suave (voiceover): Donald Trump had to run the gauntlet to earn his shot to become the next PCW PEO. First, he had to face Jeb Bush and the Bush Family (former PCW CEO’s George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush).

Trump arrives in the ring wearing an authentic Viking costume complete with a huge wooden club that he brings to the ring with him.

Referee Reince Priebus gives Trump and Jeb Bush their final instructions.

The bell rings. Trump pretends he putting the club down but then spins around and clocks Bush with club cutting him wide open in the face. The Bushes at ringside are horrified. Priebus’s jaw drops. Bush drops like a rock and Trump slides in and hooks the legs.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Suffice to say, both George W. and George H.W. Bush were furious with Trump after he literally bludgeoned Jeb Bush…

George W. angrily wheels his father George H.W., in a wheelchair, away from the ring.

Johnny Suave (v/o): …with a club. The Bushes are so mad that they are not supporting Trump tonight against Hillary Clinton. Next up in the gauntlet…John Kasich.

Kasich tries. He tries real hard. Kasich gets in a few shots but in the end, Trump takes him out with a Skyscraper Slam and dispatches the Ohioan to move on.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Then…Ted Cruz.

Cruz puts up a battle. Trump has all the cards in the end. One Skyscraper Slam later and Trump takes the win.

=================================

DONALD TRUMP PROMOInside a ritzy china store in downtown New York City, Donald Trump looks at and examines a pricey piece of china. His manager Kellyanne Conway stands in the background with the storekeeper and watches.

Donald Trump: Four years ago, PCW all but went out of business. When PCW CEO Barack Obama became the CEO, I thought he’d do well. I thought he’d be a great cheerleader for PCW.

Trump shakes his head.

Donald Trump: But I was wrong.

Trump whips around and in the process catches one the plates on the shelf and sends it flying to the ground. The expensive plate smashes into pieces.

The storekeeper gasps. Conway doesn’t flinch.

Donald Trump: That’s not what happened. Under the policies of CEO Obama, PCW went dark in 2012 and we had people who weren’t working. Now, with the restart of PCW, we need someone who can rebuild the PCW brand and make it great once again. My opponent’s catchphrase is ‘I’m with her.’ No folks. I will work for you. I will wrestle for you.

The camera follows Trump as he goes around the corner, his coat brushing up against the china on the shelf and causing them to smash on the floor.

Horrified Storekeeper: Um, Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: We need someone who will lift PCW back up.

Trump bumps into another set of dishes and sends them spinning to the floor.

Donald Trump: With Donald Trump running PCW, we will do it. PCW has tremendous potential but it’s been held back by an establishment who doesn’t care about you- the PCW fans.

He grazes another shelf of dishes and they fall to the ground.

Horrified Storekeeper (more urgent): Mr. Trump!

Conway just shrugs and follows Trump through the store.

Donald Trump: We can take PCW back from the corrupt ruling class and we can make it work for you – the fans.

Trump bumps into another shelf sending the whole structure crashing to the ground.

Horrified Storekeeper: MR. TRUMP!

Donald Trump: PCW Extreme Election Night 2016. Trump vs. Hillary. Who will prevail. The status quo?

Trump points at the camera…and accidently catches another plate.

*SMASH*

Donald Trump: Or YOU!

*SMASH*

The storekeeper confronts Trump.

Horrified Storekeeper: MR. TRU-

Trump motions to Conway. Conway reaches into her purse and hands the intensely anxious storekeeper a check. The storekeeper takes one look at the figure written on the check and immediately exhales and de-tenses down.

Now not-so-horrified Storekeeper: …oh, that’s better.

=================================

Johnny Suave: Well, speaking of Hillary Clinton, let’s take a quick look back on how she reached tonight’s PCW CEO showdown against Donald Trump…

(FILM CLIP-PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MATCH: Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders-Taped July 28th in Philadelphia, PA) Johnny Suave (voiceover): All lethal weapons were banned from the match and replaced with cardboard in an attempt to tone down the violence. The leader of the Progressive Alliance, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, presided over the match as the referee. With questions about her impartiality in the air, would Wasserman-Shultz call things right down the middle?

Bernie Sanders grabs an empty cardboard toilet roll and smacks it over Hillary’s head. Wasserman-Shultz admonishes Sanders.

Hillary clubs Sanders with her own empty cardboard toilet roll. *CLANK* Sanders staggers backwards into the corner. The cardboard toilet roll slides off and reveals a small lead pipe. Sanders’s manager Jeff Weaver screams at Wasserman-Shultz. Wasserman-Shultz shakes her head and tells him she didn’t see anything wrong.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Even Bill Clinton got into the act.

Weaver again engages referee Wasserman-Shultz over an infraction. Bill Clinton sneaks over and spins Sanders around- then he jabs him in the eye. Then Hillary walks over with what’s purported to be a paper plate but what is actually a steel plate sandwiched by two paper plates. *CLANK*

Johnny Suave (v/o): But then Sanders turned the tide and took the fight to the Clintons.

Sanders hits a single leg takedown on Hillary. Bill then tries to sneak up on him from behind. Sanders low bridges him and then whips him into the corner turnbuckle. Halfway there, Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls face forward into the turnbuckle and flips up and over. Clinton tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor. Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first to the floor.

Johnny Suave (v/o): But in the end, Hillary would prevail.

Sanders has Hillary down and hooks the leg. Wasserman-Shultz takes her sweet time going over to make the pinfall. Finally, Sanders jumps back up and gets in her face. While he argues with Wasserman-Shultz, Hillary slides over, grabs Sanders from behind, and rolls him back into a pinning situation. Wasserman-Shultz immediately slams her hand on the mat with a machine gun “onetwothree” and that’s the match.

=================================

HILLARY CLINTON PROMODeep down in the bowels of Washington D.C. Extremely dark setting. Hillary Clinton, accompanied by her husband Bill, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her manager Robby Mook, steps forward into the light.

Hillary Clinton: Donald Trump. You might be a big shot in the business world. You may be a legend in the corporate boardroom. But Donald, you have no idea what you’ve just walked into. You see, this is my arena. And you have no idea what lengths I’ll go to get what I want and deserve. PCW CEO.

Bill folds his arms in front of him.

Hillary Clinton: There are many people all across the PCW universe who believe, like I do, that Donald Trump simply cannot get the job done…that Donald Trump is fundamentally unqualified to be the CEO of PCW. As PCW starts up again, we need new ideas and someone who is temperamentally prepared to do the job. That person is me. At three AM in the morning, when the phone rings and there’s a crisis that needs to be handled, you want me to take that call- not Donald Trump. Donald Trump’s ideas are dangerously incoherent, he is horribly unprepared for a position that requires knowledge, stability, and responsibility. Putting Trump in charge would be rolling the dice with PCW’s future.

Bill Clinton: Trump running PCW would be the craziest thing in the world ever- even crazier than Obamacare- *SMACK* – OWWW!

He rubs his shoulder where Hillary had just smacked him with her open hand.

Hillary Clinton: Don’t say that!

Bill Clinton: Sorry.

She turns her gaze back to the camera.

Hillary Clinton: To get PCW back up and running, it will take a real plan, with real experience, and real leadership. Donald Trump is unfit to be PCW CEO. It would be a historic mistake if he somehow won. At Extreme Election Night 2016, my experience, built up on years of working side-by-side with the Progressive Alliance, fighting for what we believe, will prevail over Donald Trump. If you don’t believe me, listen for yourself to the voices of my Hollywood friends.

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Hillary turns and burns a steely glare towards her manager.

Robby Mook: I…I…I…

Mook awkwardly smiles.

Robby Mook (pointing at Hillary): I’m with her?

Hillary looks at him incredulously.

Hillary Clinton: GAH!

She throws up her hands and storms off.

Hillary Clinton (offscreen): WHEN I FIND OUT WHO SWITCHED THAT TAPE…

=================================

MATCH 6: The Battle for PCW CEO

Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. Donald Trump (American Patriots) Referee: Corrina Romanov

=================================

Back to Suave and Colleen at the broadcast desk with the crowd buzzing in anticipation for the PCW CEO showdown that’s just mere moments away.

Johnny Suave: Johnny Suave back with the low level reporter trying to make a name for herself at the New York Times Colleen Crowder…

Colleen Crowder: Do you have to say it like that?

Johnny Suave: …and we are just about ready for the big match to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

Both Clinton and Trump supporters rise to their feet, holding up their pro-Clinton and pro-Trump signs and shouting dueling chants of ‘I’M WITH HER!’ and ‘TRUMP…TRUMP…TRUMP!’ back and forth at each other.

Johnny Suave (talking louder): Joining us now is Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver. Silver, of course, boldly predicted four years ago at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 that Triple R would win the PCW Title and Barack Obama would win a second four year run as PCW CEO.

The camera pans to the right and adds Silver to the picture.

Johnny Suave: Nate, thanks for joining us.

Nate Silver: My pleasure, Johnny.

Johnny Suave: Your insight on what you think will happen tonight.

Nate Silver: Well Johnny. As of right now, I believe Hillary Clinton has a 70% chance of winning this match. I think it’ll be close. But I think the distinct trend is towards Hillary right now.

Colleen Crowder: Nate, I think you’re being too cautious. The New York Times believes that Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming the first ever woman to become PCW CEO is around 85%. There’s simply no way that Trump will win this match tonight.

Nate Silver: I wouldn’t go that far Colleen. Yes, I believe Hillary Clinton is the clear favorite here tonight. But, I still maintain that the match will be closer than most think it will. There’s still a path for a possible Trump victory. For starters, Clinton doesn’t have the solid advantage that Barack Obama had against Mitt Romney four years ago.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah but that’s not the narrative we’re running with. Hillary Clinton will win this match tonight because Trump is not qualified to be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: You know Colleen, narrative driven news is to journalism what World Wrestling Entertainment is to the sport of wrestling.

Once she comprehends what Suave has just said to her, Colleen glares at him and her eyes shoot daggers through Suave. She grits her teeth.

Colleen Crowder (slowly): Eighty…five…percent…

Johnny Suave: We’d better get to the ring. Kimber Marshall, take it away!

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match will determine who will become the next CEO of Political Championship Wrestling!

“I’M WITH HER!…I’M WITH HER!”

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first…

The lights cut out and music starts…

*”Imperial March”- Star Wars

DUH.

DUH-DUH-DUHHHH

DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH.

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his manager Kellyanne Conway walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots. Some of the more official types of the American Patriots…ie…John McCain, Susan Collins, and Rick Perry, who sit down front close to ringside, don’t seem overly enthusiastic with their support.

Back on stage, the leader of the American Patriots Reince Priebus filters in behind along with PCW Executive Committee member Paul Ryan.

Johnny Suave: Trump looks particularly sinister tonight!

Colleen Crowder: It’s hideous Johnny. Simply hideous. We really need Hillary to win.

Conway leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage and heads toward the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Managed tonight by Kellyanne Conway, accompanied by his Second in Command Mike Pence, and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump Supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: Donald Trump climbs into the ring. Can be make history of his own here tonight by becoming the next PCW CEO?

Colleen Crowder: NO! I mean, David Brooks from the New York Times is a conservative and even he doesn’t think Donald Trump should be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: David Brooks is conservative for the New York Times, yes.

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Trump holds the ring ropes open for Kellyanne Conway to slip through. Pence, Priebus and Ryan join them.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent.

Imperial March- off…

*”Formation”- Beyonce*

…Beyonce’s ‘Formation’- on.

The house lights cut out and then start flashing to the beat causing the Progressive Alliance fans to leap out of their seats.

Quick cut to the upper section where Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler are dancing on their chairs, Miley Cyrus is on the table twerking, and Madonna…well, we don’t really want to know what she’s doing right now.

Kimber Marshall (loudly over the blaring music): Managed by Robby Mook and accompanied by her Second in Command Tim Kaine, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her husband…FORMER PCW CEO William Jefferson Clinton!

Beyonce comes out on stage lip-synching to her song. She and Jay-Z lead the parade to the ring. Next out, Mook, Wasserman-Shultz, and Bill Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: From Chappaqua, New York. Representing the Progressive Alliance!

Next out, Bill and Hillary’s daughter Chelsea Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: And vying to make history by becoming the first ever woman to become CEO of PCW!

Finally, Hillary Clinton walks out wearing a white pants suit.

Kimber Marshall: PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR…HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON!

The A-List celebrities in the top section of Hack’s stand up and shout. On the floor, the Progressive Alliance section is simply rocking. Hillary Clinton signs bobbing up and down, moving left to right as Beyonce continues to lip synch her song and dance down the aisle.

Reaching the ring, Hillary climbs up the steps first and ducks into the ring, followed by her husband and daughter.

Johnny Suave: Oh wow! Listen to that ovation for Hillary Clinton. Both sides are geared up for what promises to be an incredible match.

Colleen Crowder: Again Johnny. According to the New York Times calculations, it’s going to be an early night, it’s going to be a quick match, because Donald Trump has no chance to defeat Hillary Clinton.

Johnny Suave: Nate?

Nate Silver: The odds are definitely in Ms. Clinton’s favor but I won’t go that far to say that he has no chance.

Johnny Suave: Thanks for your insight. Nate Silver, everyone. Let’s take it back to the ring and the referee in charge of this match- Corrina Romanov.

The name Romanov causes Colleen to cock her head quizzically to the side.

Romanov enters the ring wearing the appropriate white and black striped referee’s shirt and black pants. A former wrestler of her own right, she gets a healthy round of applause from the patrons of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on…isn’t she like- Russian?

Romanov goes over to Trump and does the usual pre-match check.

Johnny Suave: She is. So what?

Then Romanov walks over to Clinton’s corner and does the same.

Colleen Crowder: Nothing. It’s just…strange…that PCW would assign a Russian referee for this match.

Johnny Suave: Nah, you’re overthinking this. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. We are just about ready to go.

Satisfied, Romanov turns to the bell table and calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: And here we go!

“I’M WITH HER! I’M WITH HER!…”

Johnny Suave: LISTEN TO THE DUELLING CHANTS!

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!…”

Johnny Suave: THE NOISE IS JUST DEAFENING IN HERE!

Both Trump and Clinton cautiously walk forward from their respective corners and circle each other in the middle of the ring.

Then out of nowhere, Clinton drives a knee to the balls. Trump crumples over. And the Progressive Alliance section goes nuts.

Johnny Suave: CLINTON DRAWS FIRST BLOOD!

Clinton whips Trump into her corner where he’s greeted with a few forearm shots from her husband Bill. He lays in more big forearms on Trump. Hillary follows up with some knife-edge chops. Trump then whips Clinton across the ring into the opposite corner.

Johnny Suave: Trump sends Clinton for the ride…

Trump sets up for a backdrop but Clinton flips over him and then delivers a punt kick to the jewels.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Dropping to his knees, Trump’s face scrunches in pain. Clinton moves behind him. Basement dropkick to the back sends Trump down face first to the mat. She rolls him over for a cover.

One.

Tw-

Johnny Suave: Easy kick out for Donald Trump.

Debbie Wasserman-Shultz shouts at the referee and then slams her hand down on the mat in the same rapid-fire fashion she’d done when Hillary defeated Bernie Sanders in Philadelphia.

Colleen Crowder: That was a slow count.

Johnny Suave: Any count is slow compared to what Wasserman-Shultz did to Sanders.

Trump fights back to his feet and tries to stop the momentum. But Clinton scratches his eyes and then hits a knee to the gut. Russian Leg Sweep follows and Trump is right back on the ground. Clinton again makes the cover but Trump out of nowhere pushes her off and then rolls her up.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP REVERSES. COVER!

The American Patriots rise up in anticipation.

One

Two.

Johnny Suave: NO! HILLARY GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!

Romanov calls for a break. While she tries to get Hillary to let go of the bottom rope, Bill Clinton sneaks in and pokes Trump in the eye. He recoils back and covers his eye.

Johnny Suave: She’s not letting go of the rope. WHAT?

What? Suave does a doubletake when Captain America…yes…Captain America runs down and slides into the ring.

Johnny Suave: What the hell is this?

Colleen Crowder: It’s Captain America.

Johnny Suave: I know it’s Captain America. Why is Captain America in the ring?

Trump staggers back. Captain America takes his shield and then blasts him in the back of the head with it.

Johnny Suave: Oh…that’s why.

Captain America stares at the downed Trump, who’s holding his head from the shield shot. He then pulls off his mask.

Colleen Crowder: Hey! That’s Chris Evans from the Avengers movie!

Johnny Suave: Where is the referee?

Referee Corrina Romanov is in deep conversation with ABC’s Martha Raddatz at the edge of the ring.

Johnny Suave: MARTHA RADDATZ IS AT RINGSIDE? WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Suave sees Evans pick up the shield.

Johnny Suave: What is he doing?

Evans places the Captain America shield in Trump’s groin area. Then Iron Man jumps into the ring carrying a bowling ball bag.

Johnny Suave: WHAT IS IRON MAN DOING HERE?

Iron Man (okay… it’s really Robert Downey, Jr. playing Iron Man) takes the bowling ball bag, lifts it in the air, and slams it into the shield.

*CLANK*

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: Oooooooooohhhhh!

Trump rolls back and forth in excruciating pain.

Johnny Suave: KELLYANNE CONWAY IS ON THE RING APRON SCREAMING AT CORRINA ROMANOV!

Finally, Conway gets Romanov’s attention and the referee refocuses her attention back to the match and sees Evans and Downey in the ring. She immediately chases both Hollywood stars from the ring. Which, of course, allows Hillary to indulge in a little blatant choking while the referee continues to be distracted.

Colleen Crowder: I’ve changed my mind. I now believe that Hillary Clinton has a 90% chance of winning. She’s totally dominating him.

Clinton uses the boots to deliver a shot to the gut and another. Trump finally trips Clinton up and sends her to the mat.

Johnny Suave: Big boot by Trump knocks Clinton off her feet. But there’s a lot of worried faces at ringside.

Quick cut to the American Patriots section. Reince Priebus brings a hand to his chin. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell both watch the action with extremely concerned expressions on their face.

Back to the ring where Clinton has gone over and talks with Robby Mook.

Johnny Suave: Bad idea. She can’t give Trump time to recover like that.

Trump pulls himself back up again. He goes right over to Hillary and they trade forearm strikes. Trump whips her into the corner and then catches Clinton on the rebound with a Bulldog.

Clinton tries to whip Trump to her corner but Trump blocks, lifts Hillary up, bringing her legs off the ground, and falls backward to the mat sending her back-first to the mat.

Johnny Suave: SIDEWALK SLAM BY TRUMP. HE COVERS.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: WHAT THE HELL IS CNN’S ANDERSON COOPER DOING IN THE RING?

Just as Corrina Romanov starts to lower her hand down for three, Anderson Cooper bolts into the ring out of the blue and pushes Trump off of Clinton.

Johnny Suave: COOPER MAKES THE SAVE!

Colleen Crowder: Maybe we should reduce the chances of Hillary winning back to 85%.

While Hillary scoots back to her corner, Trump gets into Romanov’s face and argues about the count. He doesn’t see Bill Clinton sneaking up from behind. Bill tries to whip Trump into Hillary’s corner. Trump reverses and goes for a big boot to the face. But Bill ducks, boots Trump in the gut, and then hits a spinning neckbreaker.

Johnny Suave: Bill Clinton fires up the crowd and now he’s going for scoop slam!

Clinton goes to lift Trump up but he doesn’t see trouble brewing behind him. Two women from his past.

Johnny Suave: THAT’S KATHLEEN WILLEY AND PAULA JONES! TWO WOMEN WITH HUGE ISSUES WITH BOTH BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON!

Colleen Crowder: What are they doing in the ring?

At once, the crowd noise jumps dramatically which causes Bill to wonder what’s going on. Finally, his innate curiosity wins out so he turns around and gets an unpleasant surprise. His eyes widen and the crowd goes wild.

Johnny Suave: Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!

Colleen Crowder: That’s not fair! They’re interfering in the match!

Johnny Suave: Here we go!

Willey and Jones take Bill by each arm and fling him into the corner turnbuckle. Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls forward head first into the turnbuckle. He flips up and over the turnbuckle, tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLIP!

On the floor, Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first back to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLOP!

Back in the ring, Hillary comes off the ropes and leaps onto Trump’s back.

Johnny Suave: SLEEPER HOLD!

Colleen Crowder: YES! COME ON HILLARY!

Trump spins to try and dislodge Hillary from his back. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and ends up on the mat. Hillary wastes no time in making the cover.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: Trump kicks out. He’s trying to regain his bearings and…why is the referee talking to the Clinton corner again?

This time, Romanov is having a heated conversation with Hillary’s manager Robby Mook and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. While they’re distracting the referee, Chelsea Clinton slides a steel chain over to her mother who quickly wraps it around Trump’s neck.

Johnny Suave: AND NOW SHE’S GOT THAT STEEL CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK!

Colleen Crowder: Sleeper hold.

Trump’s face turns bright red as the chain is wrapped tightly and cutting off his oxygen.

Johnny Suave: BULL-*BLEEP*! THAT’S A BLATANT CHOKE! SHE’S TRYING TO CHOKE DONALD TRUMP OUT!

While Trump desperately tries to loosen the chain around his neck, yet another person races down the aisle towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE? THAT’S FOX NEWS’S CHRIS WALLACE!

Wallace jumps up on the ring apron, grabs Romanov, and spins her around. He points at Hillary who’s still trying strangle Trump with a steel chain.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing? Chris Wallace has no business butting his head into this match.

Johnny Suave: And CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz didn’t do the exact same thing?

Colleen Crowder: That’s different. Everyone knows Fox News is biased towards the American Patriots!

Romanov immediately acts. She pushes Clinton back, breaking the choke hold. Then Romanov literally rips the chain out of Hillary’s hands and tosses it out of the ring.

Colleen Crowder: The Russian referee is exerting too much influence on this match which means Vladimir Putin is trying to affect the results!

Johnny Suave: Um…Corrina Romanov just enforced the rules because, newsflash, even PCW has rules.

Colleen Crowder: But Vladimir Putin-

Johnny Suave: Is this another narrative or…

There’s a collective gasp inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: What.

Colleen turns her attention back to the ring and immediately shoots up from her chair in full righteous indignation mode.

Colleen Crowder: THAT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Johnny Suave: TESTICULAR CLAW! TRUMP IS USING THE TESTICULAR CLAW!

The reaction is instantaneous and the fun really begins. An enraged Colleen Crowder literally jumps up on the broadcast table and points at Trump.

Colleen Crowder: DISQUALIFY HIM! DISQUALIFY HIM!

The Clinton team are stunned. Without hesitation, they all charge the ring.

The Progressive Alliance are stunned. Disgusted. Repulsed. Suddenly, the likes of Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Nancy Pelosi charge the ring.

The media are stunned. Revolted. Aggrieved. Don Lemon of CNN, the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson and Dana Milbank, and the New York Times’s David Brooks and Paul Krugman pile into the ring.

Colleen Crowder: HE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED!

Even some members of the American Patriots are stunned. Appalled. Queasy. John McCain, Lindsey Graham, former Jeb Bush, and Mitt Romney charge the ring and a huge scrum explodes.

Johnny Suave: IT’S HIT THE FAN NOW!

Trump finds himself swallowed up by a mass of humanity as members of each group literally throw each other out of the way to get to him.

Johnny Suave: This is just a mob scene!

Colleen Crowder: WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED HIM?

Johnny Suave (sarcastically): Maybe Vladimir Putin told her not to.

Colleen Crowder: SEE! I TOLD YOU!

Johnny Suave: Trump is getting no help from the American Patriots either!

Cut to Paul Ryan. He’s whistling while he ever so subtly tries to inch away from the ring, hoping that no one can see him subtly trying to inch away from the ring. Mitch McConnell? He’s gone from ringside and nowhere to be found.

The rest of the establishment? Sitting in their seats reading the Wall Street Journal or on their phones making plans for their golf getaway.

Quick cut to the Les Miserables section. What had been a full section of people is now half empty.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!

‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay, and Charlie Blackwell stream to the ring followed by forty other people sitting in their section.

Johnny Suave: It’s the LES MISERABLES!

Colleen Crowder: I’m confused Are they coming to help Clinton?

Bryan hops up on the ring apron. He drapes Dana Milbank’s neck over the top rope and drops to the floor causing the Washington Post columnist to whiplash off the ropes and onto his back.

Johnny Suave: BRYAN TOSSES MILBANK OUT!

Bert the Janitor tosses McAvay a Big Bertha Driver.

Johnny Suave: MCAVAY HAS THE BIG BERTHA!

*THWACK*

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES CHUCK SCHUMER!

*THWACK^

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES LINDSEY GRAHAM!

Mitt Romney sees McAvay using the driver to pole axe his way through the crowd. He wisely uses discretion and decides to slip out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: AND HERE COMES CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Blackwell jumps into the ring wielding a steel folding chair. and starts taking people out left and right.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: BLACKWELL NAILS PAUL KRUGMAN WITH THE CHAIR!

Blackwell turns and swings the chair again.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: CNN’s DON LEMON GOES DOWN!

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: HE GOT JEB BUSH TOO!

Colleen Crowder: WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: THEY’RE CLEANING HOUSE!

The rest of the Les Miserables climb through the ropes and suddenly there’s a lot of people in close quarters.

Colleen Crowder: DEPLORABLE!

The American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, and media contingent still in the ring decide to hastily exit stage right leaving just Trump, Hillary, McAvay, Blackwell, Bryan, and the forty-odd Les Miserables inside.

Colleen Crowder: THESE PEOPLE ARE DEPLORABLE! WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEPLORABLE PEOPLE DOING IN THE RING?

Johnny Suave: Actually, they’re Les Miserables.

Colleen Crowder: AND WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED TRUMP FOR THIS BLATANT OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE? THERE IS NO WAY THIS MATCH-

Blackwell and McAvay re-station themselves outside the ring and the Les Miserables surrounding the squared circle. The ring steadily clears and when it does, leaving just Trump and Hillary inside, there’s an unpleasant realization for one side.

Johnny Suave: FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!

Crowder pulls at her hair.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOOOO!

In the midst of the chaos caused when the Les Miserables invaded the ring, Trump took one of Hillary’s legs, turned it 90 degrees, grabbed her other leg and crossed it with the other. Then he put one foot in between, the other on the other leg, and bridged over to lock in the figure-four.

To make matters worse, Trump had her smack dab in the middle of the ring- a long, long way from help.

Johnny Suave: HOW ARE HER CHANCES LOOKING NOW?

Colleen remains defiant.

Colleen Crowder: Sixty-five percent, Johnny. I’m still quite confident Hillary will win if the Russian referee would actually DO HER JOB!

The Progressive Alliance contingent charge forward but the Les Miserables protecting the ring stop them in their tracks.

Colleen Crowder: Okay…maybe fifty-five percent- COME ON!

Clinton closes her eyes and sits up. She takes a couple swipes at Trump and then falls backwards.

Johnny Suave: Is Hillary going to tap out?

Colleen Crowder: NEVER!

Hillary reaches for the ropes but she’s too far away.

Johnny Suave: What do you say now?

Colleen Crowder: Fifty-fifty.

As the pain registers all over Clinton’s face, for the first time a realization comes over the folks sitting in the Progressive Alliance section that she could lose this.

Johnny Suave: Are you sure about that?

Colleen Crowder: (whispers incoherently)

Johnny Suave: Didn’t hear you.

Colleen Crowder: I SAID SIXTY PERCENT FOR TRUMP! JESUS, HE COULD WIN THIS THING!

The camera pans through the Progressive Alliance section of the bar. Jaws dropped. Shocked expressions. Hands on cheeks.

Johnny Suave: Do I hear seventy percent…seventy-five percent? Going once. Going twice. Going-

Colleen Crowder: SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT FOR TRUMP. (shouts to no one in particular) COME ON! ANYONE? DO SOMETHING?

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to…

Johnny Suave: Wait a minute! I know that song.

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, steps out of the shadows on the second level of the bar.

Johnny Suave: And I know that guy! HE’S BACK!

The crowd merrily sings along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on. Is that who I think it is?

Johnny Suave: It is.

As the sing along continues, the man holds up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugs it down.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Gore crushes the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gore then spews the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprays several tables in close proximity.

Colleen Crowder: Look at the expression on the Trump Team’s faces!

The camera cuts over to Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. They’re not paying any attention.

Johnny Suave: Um…they’re not paying attention.

Colleen Crowder: Well…THEY SHOULD BE!

Gore moves up to the steps leading down and turns around to face the Progressive Alliance section. He pulls out another cup of mocha and holds it high in the air. Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead, and spits the mocha onto several tables.

Colleen Crowder: …if he ever gets to the ring.

Back in the ring, Referee Corrina Romanov maneuvers around, watching for any sign of a tap out. Mook, Kaine, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Wasserman-Shultz, blocked from the ring by the Les Miserables watch helplessly. Hillary falls back again and her strength wanes.

Johnny Suave: Trump is THIS close to winning!

Colleen Crowder: Son of a bitch. Ninety percent chance for Trump to win.

Colleen shouts up at Gore.

Colleen Crowder: HURRY UP!

Gore makes it downstairs. He stops and pulls out another cup of mocha.

Colleen Crowder: SON OF A BITCH! AL, WOULD YOU GET TO THE RING ALREADY?

Johnny Suave: HILLARY’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead…

Colleen Crowder (lamenting): He’s not going to get to the ring in time, is he?

Johnny Suave: Nope.

…and spits the mocha towards the ring just as Hillary slaps her hand on the mat.

Johnny Suave: SHE TAPPED OUT! THAT’S IT!

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOO!

Romanov calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP WINS! TRUMP WINS!

Colleen Crowder: Oh…my…God.

Johnny Suave: The next CEO of PCW is Donald J. Trump!

The camera cuts to outside the ring. Now that Trump’s won and it’s ‘safe,’ Paul Ryan is slowly edging his way back towards the action.

Johnny Suave: And the conservative chickens have come home to roost!

Mitch McConnell races by Ryan, actually he knocks Ryan out of his way, cheering and pumping his fist in the air. However, others sitting with the rest of the American Patriot supporters aren’t so sure about what just took place.

The Les Miserables at ringside have no inhibition about celebrating. Blackwell, Bryan, and McAvay find themselves in the midst of a big time party.

Panning back to the Progressive Alliance section- soul-crushing sadness among Hillary’s supporters is the prevalent feeling.

The majority of the people on hand begin to sing: “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” and wave goodbye to the Hollywood celebs who said they would leave the country if Trump won.

Johnny Suave: After everything that’s happened over the past few months and with the entire Washington D.C. beltway establishment lined up against him- the Republican establishment, the Democrat establishment, the militantly left wing Democrats- who seem to have all gathered in California, and the mainstream media, when the chips were down Donald Trump came through on PCW’s biggest stage.

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Johnny Suave: Is that the narrative or an actual story?

Colleen Crowder: Shut up!

0 notes