#do I have neuropathy we just don’t know

[likesplatterpaint]

Hot hot feet

Not not sleep

:(

[tteessiiee]

Health impacts of obesity, death feedee edition

TW: this is dark and very real, do not read if you are not ready to understand the consequences of feedism. And I really mean it. It may be f* scary.

You know I study physiotherapy at med school. And Im also a feedee, feeder, FA... Which means that mine internships in hospitals are pretty heavy and hard for me. I see all the impacts of obesity, or even morbid obesity on people and their health. On their life.

We are all talking about heart-attacks. Sure, your arteries getting clugged, atherosclerosis growing in your body and getting you closer to an early grave. But atherosclerosis does not cause only heart-attacks. It would be nice, wouldn’t it? Feeling your heart struggling, pain in your chest (which you deserve for being the pig you were), and pretty soon there is the end. Death.

But atherosclerosis can also cause strokes. And I don’t think you want that. Part of your brain gonna die, part gonna live. It can affect your motor functions, your ability to feel by touch, your ability to know where and how placed your limbs are, your speech, of course your ability to think. You may die, sure. Or you gonna survive and live way way worse life fully dependant on people around you… Did you know that?

You also might ruin your pancreas. Im sure that many of you already have insulin tolerance way higher than you should. Well diabetes mellitus is incoming if you will not change your lifestyle. It does not only mean that you will need to take insulin! It will also damage your nerves. Neuropathies are very common. DM can lead even to amputations of legs. And also an impact on eyes is very well known, you can become blind. Over all diabetes is a metabolic disease and it has huge impact on your whole body – nerves, organs, veins, everything.

Another effect of our feedee diet - your liver become fattier making it work less. And liver are very important organ! Liver steatosis can become cirrhosis, the organ will be very damaged. Btw it also gonna increase your blood pressure which has significant impact on probability of heart-attacks and strokes. Another thing – there can appear stones in your gallbladder. That is mainly caused by eating too greasy and fatty food. And this also can be very painful situation needing a surgery.

It is proved that obesity increases the risk of cancer, especially cancer in gastro-intestinal tract and urogenitals. One more thing that people do not want.

Not to mention your musculo-sceletal system. Arthrosis in joints (another painful thing restricting your daily life), unfit and stiff muscles, bones easier to break by your weight if you fall… And it will not hurt only when you move. But also when you lie in your bed getting stuffed to the brim once again. Who of you have never ever had back pain, mainly lower-back pain? It is not comfortable, is it? And it only gonna get worse if you don’t exercise.

There are also impacts on your skin but i'm not good in this field so can't say much about it.

I know it is a lot of fun to be a feedee. To gain, get fatter, heavier, softer. Getting out of breath easily? Oh f* yes please, it makes you so horny. But there is a huge impact on your health. Im sure you know it. But maybe you don’t know all the specific things that may happen. This is just a brief list of health complications that obesity brings. So if you are a death feedee, go on! Eat yourself to these diseases if that’s what you want. But be aware that your life probably will not end by a sudden quick heart attack. You will suffer many months and years due to many comorbidities till your body will give up on you. Are you ready for that long pain?

Wanted to let you know so that I can feel better when I actually encourage you to gain. You know, consent means that you agree while being aware of the consequences. If you want me to help you get morbidly obese I wanna be sure I warned you. And maybe (hopefully) this gonna help someone to stop gaining so much if they find out that they would not be happy. Because babes – I don’t want you fat in the first place. I want you happy.

That’s the reason why im drinking 700 kcal hot chocolate made of heavy cream while writing this article. It makes me happy to gain. It makes me happy being fat even though I know all of these things. And it also scares the s*it out of me. I fear it so much. I want it so much. Im not a death feedee in real life, will not let the kink kill me (I hope). But I definitely am a death feedee in fantasies, deep inside and sometimes it is really hard to find the difference between having fun and ruining your body.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I warned you it gonna be dark and real 🖤

Enjoy your life as you wish 💕 Give fully into hedonism or enjoy the parts of feedism that don't kill you - that is your choice. Your body. Your life. Your death.

~ Tessie

[hihigherdi]

A long time ago when Trump was first in office, I had a sustained two week anxiety attack, convinced we were going to experience a significant war and I had to be prepared. I’d just gotten a big bonus and I spent a ton of it on survivor gear - all of those buckets of rice, beans, dehydrated food, camping gear, solar lights - so much more. I made go bags for work, my car and home. The primary one was stolen when I first moved in here via a break in where thieves stole a lot of stuff people were storing in the garage. The backpack was in my parking spot - poof, gone.

I lugged so much of it here - over the years I’ve slowly simplified it but I’ve been a little afraid to let all of it go. it started this habit of buying extras - why not buy three Justin’s boxes of peanut butter packets even though I only need one? Why not have five ketchups so I never run out?

When R was here organizing, I *saw* it - all of the canned food that had expired, all of the stuff I was keeping in the pantry that I didn’t use because I didn’t even know I had it. She gently said “if you feel like you want to bake cookies, you can just zip over to the store and buy flour.” Part of it was never having enough food when we were little - we could afford it, my mom just never bought enough for us. It’s why I’d drive around on Christmas looking for snack food before all the kids came over. Granted, that could be my food insecurity speaking and my filter was grounded from that, it’s a very likely possibility.

Anyway. R is coming back for my last infusion bringing her BFF A who is an organizer and a professional chef. She’s going to organize so much of my stuff but the deal is, I only have what I really want to keep, consider getting rid of the extras of things I don’t need (including three spatulas, etc) and focusing on keeping what I love and use for myself every week instead of all of the imaginary dinner parties I throw in my head. So that’s what I’ve done today, after…11 hours of sleep? I’ve been slowly whittling it all down and it feels so great. I’m 90% done. It’s not as much as I thought but it’s just so good to let it go.

My surgery is tentatively scheduled for October 01, pending what happens with this biopsy on Friday. That feels lightning fast. My last chemo infusion is next Wednesday - I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid of it based on this last one, I was so debilitated by the fatigue, I had more hair shedding than usual, no appetite and the peripheral neuropathy was hard so I’m going to try to freeze my hands and feet during the infusion to prevent it. It has definitely lessened, thank God but it’s not gone away entirely. It can take a long time.

I cry so frequently these days, even writing that it’s the last one. I’ve held it all together for five months, and I can feel the emotional and mental reserves I’ve leaned on to that beginning to crumble. That’s probably good. Things are starting to get……thin when I’m sleeping. My dreams are wild and I heard repeated knocking three times last night. My cats were on high alert. I pit myself in a golden bubble and reminded myself that I live in a building where people could be knocking at other doors, not likely at 3am but it helped. I stayed up until 4:30am watching The Office and then slept hard until 9am.

I’m numb when I think of the MRI biopsy on Friday, two of my worst things happening at the same time is like a cruel joke (biopsies aren’t painful but just traumatic waiting for the results). I’m strong - I can and will do this. And then chemo, and then the surgery which completely freaks me out - I have a massive fear of “going under” - and then I’ll know what happens after those biopsies come back.

In talking about work, my oncologist recommend that I extend my leave of absence to at least March of next year. The neuropathy is concerning her as are my cognitive tests, and I think for a living. She reminded me how they have taken my body to the point of decline where the basics work but there’s a lot of damage. And the mental damage of all of the biopsies on top of that, she thinks I need time. I agree with her. So I’m going to pursue that, it means I live on a lot less and I don’t think I am guaranteed a job when I go back but I’m not worried about that.

[find-roronoa-zoro]

Roronoa Zoro X CisFem Reader

27

Thatch and Zoro entered the room nearly dropping the food they’d brought back when they saw you hunched over Ace’s chest crying as he weakly stroked your hair.

 

“It’s ok,” he murmured unsure if it was the truth or not.

“I know,” you sniffled, “that’s why I’m crying.”

 

Thatch set the tray he was holding on the nearest table and slumped over you.

 

“Guys,” Ace croaked, “it’s really hard to breathe with you like this.”

 

You were just so relieved to see him awake and hear his voice, it was hard not to cry.

 

“You’re awake!” Thatch sobbed.

“It’s like I have two moms.” The raven chuckled glancing at Zoro.

“Ok, maybe you guys should let him breathe.” Your boyfriend suggested calmly moving to peel you away from your sibling.

 

As you stood Zoro swept the tears from your cheeks and smiled softly. Though he wasn’t a fan of seeing you cry, at least for once it was over something good.

 

“Oh!” you gasped yanking your phone from your pocket, “I have to tell everyone.”

 

 

 

The Crew :

 

You: He’s awake!

Phoenix_blue: I’m at the office but I can be there soon.

Dragon925: How is he?

You: he seems fine but doesn’t remember much. Law will be in soon to check on him.

PirateKing98: Me & Nami will be there in a few hours

Dragon925: Al and I were out getting breakfast but we’re on our way. Should we stop for anything?

You: We’ll worry about that later. See you guys soon.

 

 Law entered shortly after to perform some neuropathy tests.

 

“Well, he doesn’t seem to have any issues with nerve damage or motor skills.” Law glanced at you and your oldest brother and then turned back to Ace, “Do you remember anything that happened the night of the fight?”

Ace pondered for a moment, “Uhm…I know I had to fight some old man.” His face scrunched as he fought harder to remember.

Law placed a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t push yourself. If you happen to recall later let me or Detective Smoker know.”

“Yeah, of course.” Your freckled brother nodded.

 

“Well,” Law stood placing the clipboard back at the foot of Ace’s bed, “We’ll keep him one more night just for observation, but I expect a full recovery.”

“Thank you,” Thatch murmured.

“I’ll be back during my rounds later.” The doctor reached the door just as Sabo and Al entered.

“So how bad do I look?” Ace asked wiggling into a more seated position.

“Remember that time Luffy put gum in your hair?” Sabo chuckled as Ace frowned.

“That bad?”

“Worse.” The blond confirmed.

“Your hair isn’t so bad,” Al chirped, “it’s at least fixable”

“Yeah,” you agreed, “your face on the other hand…”

“Gimme a mirror!” Ace demanded.

“It was a lot worse four days ago.” Zoro added handing him the small mirror from your overnight bag.

 “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” the raven gaped at himself for a moment and then reached up slowly running his fingers over the bruised swollen parts of his face, “Holy shit.”

 

Your chest burned a bit watching him realize just how serious the situation was. Zoro’s gaze fell over you taking in your reaction as well. He brought his arms up to wrap around your shoulders and reeled you into his chest.

 

“My hair…” Ace’s busted lip jutted out just a bit.

“We’ll fix it.” You murmured with a smile.

“Not you.” His ruby gaze snapped up to you, “Not after the last time.”

“I can do it.” Al volunteered.

“No one better than the licensed professional.” Thatch commented still drying his tears.

“We’ll have to wait until you’re home and feeling a bit better.” You added.

“I can just bring everything to the house when you’re ready.” Al smiled softly.

 

The day carried on slowly as your siblings came in short stints to visit your younger brother. Thatch volunteered to come back in the evening for the final night shift, just to make sure Ace was comfortable and not left alone.

 

“Did you have anything in mind for dinner?” you asked Zoro shedding your hoodie in the doorway of his apartment.

“Delivery is already on the way.” He answered pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Oh, planning ahead, Tiger?”

“I had to considering most places would be busier today.” He answered stepping back into his room.

 

You plopped down on the sofa wondering what was so special about today that meant restaurants would be busier. Was another snowstorm blowing through? People always had to get out of the house before possibly being snowed in for a few days.

 

It wasn’t a weekend.

 

You sighed.

 

 

 

You really had tunnel vision this week and couldn’t think of a single reason, until your greenette emerged carrying a small magenta gift bag and single white tulip with a purple ribbon tied around the stem.

 

Valentine’s day.

 

You’d completely forgotten in all of the drama that surrounded Ace’s hospital stay.

 

“It isn’t much.” Zoro started, handing you the flower first, “I thought you’d rather have a quiet night.”

“You didn’t have to do anything, I’m so terrible I didn’t even remember.” You accepted the flower and the gift bag as he offered it.

“There’s been a lot going on,” he scoffed, “I wouldn’t have expected you to. So, don’t worry about it and remember I’m bad at this gift thing.”

 “Yeah I bought that lie on Christmas.” You rolled your eyes as he took a seat next to you.

 

Tugging the shimmery white tissue paper from the bag your fingers brushed against something soft. You pulled out a small purple lop-eared rabbit plushie. It was actually very cute and about the same size as the little tiger you’d won for Zoro so long ago, you could even assume it was made by the same company just judging by the facial expression and materials used.

He watched with slightly flushed cheeks as you marveled at the toy. The smile on your lips and amusement in your eyes was something he could get addicted to. If you looked like this every time you received a gift he’d have to start giving you things every day.

 

“She’s so cute ~.” You sing-songed.

“I’m glad you like it.” He rubbed his nape and glanced away, “They’re still in business…the company that made mine.”

“How did you even know that?” You shifted to face him.

“The tag,” he muttered, “all I had to do was look it up.”

“So you ordered it for me?” knowing he went through the trouble of getting you a truly matching plush made your chest tight in an exhilarating way.

 

He never struck you as the romantic type. Truthfully, he wasn’t, but for you he tried and it was adorable.

 

“Yeah.” He murmured quickly turning back to you as you climbed into his lap and cupped his cheeks.

“How did I get so deserving?” you asked running your fingers along his jaw while he looked into your eyes and smirked.

“How did I?” he kissed your lips.

“Careful,” you smooched him back, “that’ll go straight to my head.”

 

He chuckled nipping your bottom lip while sliding his hands over your hips pressing you against him. Slowly rocking into him, your hands traveled into his hairline never losing contact as you offered short sweet kisses between long deep ones. Zoro hummed and shuddered while you gently tugged at his short tresses.

His hand dropped to the cushion next to you raking your gifts onto the floor before turning and pushing you back into the sofa. You mewled hooking your legs around his waist while he kissed down your neck and chest. A short sigh pushed passed your lips as he rolled his hips into yours.

Your fingertips danced down the back of his neck and dove into his shirt dragging your nails between his shoulder blades as he bit down on your nipple through your clothes. Quickly your hands shot back into his hair while his left caressed your thigh and his right worked under your shirt to free your chest of its lacy confines. Arching your back, you worked against him hoping to gain some much-needed friction. Sensing your objective, he lowered himself further allowing you to grind on him, the airy sounds you made only getting him more excited.

An abrupt wrap on the door halted all motion allowing your huffs to fill the silent space. Zoro’s face dropped into your half-covered bosom with a heavy sigh. Another quick knock followed by a loud, “hello?!” had him withdrawing completely.

 

“Dinner.” He muttered, rising with an annoyed frown between his brows.

 

You chuckled sitting up and adjusting yourself while he did the same during his short trek.

 

“This better be the best damn Chinese food.” He grumbled opening the door.

_______________

 

 

A few days after Ace was released from the hospital Al arrived with all of her equipment to cut Ace's hair.

 

He sat in a kitchen chair you’d moved into the den with a smock draped around him. Carefully Al removed the bandage on his head and began trimming his poor uneven locks. He cringed a bit hearing her fire up the clippers and move up the back of his head. It had been a long time since his hair was this short. Women always seemed to prefer his shaggy look, though lately he hadn’t been that interested in anyone really. Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore Al’s closeness as she moved around him humming quietly to herself.

 

“I think we can keep some length on the top.” she murmured tussling his hair with her fingers as she spritzed some water to make her work easier.

 

Ace sat quiet eyes still closed lost in thought.

 

“Hello?” Al poked his cheek, “Earth to Ace?”

His face contorted at the unexpected contact making her chuckle, “Hmm? What?”

“Ready to shave it all off?” she stepped back and smirked at the oblivious male.

“What?!” he jolted up in the seat.

“Cálmate, I was kidding.” Al grasped his shirt and guided him back into the chair, “I said we’ll keep some length on top. Is that alright? Or do you want it all short?”

“Oh, uh yeah…I’d like to keep it if we can.” he muttered glancing up at her as she nodded and reached for the scissors.

 

Fifteen minutes later Al called you into the den after drying and styling Ace’s final look. When you entered the room she was removing the smock and brushing of his shoulders. His ruby’s trailed over her face and then caught sight of you causing a slight blush to rise to his freckled cheeks.

 

You entered raising a brow, “Looking dapper, Freckles.”

“This could be your new look.” Al handed him a mirror.

“Thanks,” he replied distractedly turning his head to check all his angles.

“There’s nothing I can do around your stitches, but we can trim everything down again until it fills in that way it all grows evenly.”

 

Ace hummed again. You found his bashful demeanor a bit odd but chose to ignore it until Al exited the room.

 

“What was that?” you asked watching his gaze trail after her as she left.

“I dunno?” your brother shrugged.

“You never blush or gawk like that.”

 

He shrugged again.

 

“Ace,” you furrowed your brows, “she isn’t single.”

“What? I know.” he sighed.

“And she’s with Sabo.” you commented as if he needed reminding.

“It’s nothing, shut up.”  he grumbled pushing passed you.

[thrashkink-coven]

One thing I love so much about Father Lucifer and Lord Leviathan…. you know what, Prince Cerberus and Faviel too… is their pure patience and understanding of the human condition. It’s something that organized religion never allowed much space for in my experiences. We are always expected to make the best choice. To be pure and clean, to be better than yesterday.

Right now I’m working hard on improving some skills. I am disabled, I suffer from neuropathy and a chronic migraine disorder. These last few years I’ve been struggling with it really bad, but thanks to some new meds and some good habits I’m more or less coming out of my bad rut. My spirits have been greatly aiding me in getting back on my feet (literally).

But some days, like today, I just… don’t care. I wanna smoke weed and be lazy all day. I want to jerk off and eat like shit and let the dishes pile up. I want to be a nothing person, just for a little bit while I work up the motivation to do better tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then maybe the day after that. Whatever, I don’t care, at least not today. I don’t want to be mindful, I don’t want to be enlightened. I don’t want to make art or be inspired. I just want to be a slob.

And you know what? That’s OKAY!

Working alongside these powerful entities can sometimes feel like I have to be on the ball all the time. I have to be this living God who is always improving and learning. But I don’t, and they don’t expect me to be.

As much as they want my initiative and commitment, the truth of the matter is that I’m human. I’m not an angel or a God, that’s a good thing. It’s amazing that I get to witness and learn from these incredible spirits whilst still having the comfort of my human limits. I’m a human, not a machine, I can’t be great all the time. Being hard on myself won’t make me grow faster, it’ll just make me miserable during periods of rest.

Lucifer encourages indulgence but not depravity. Today I came to him and basically said “Father, I’m sorry I’m so tired. I’m sorry I haven’t been reading. I know I should be doing better. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I honestly just want to crawl back into bed right now. Show me how to get rid of these feelings.”

and his response to that was “There is nothing wrong with you. Get some rest. Indulge in your pleasure and heal, human. If the moon can wax and wane then the human spirit can certainly do so as well.”

which honestly was not the answer I was expecting. I was expecting “discipline yourself”, “repeat this affirmation”, “get off your lazy ass, you’re better than this”.

Lucifer is always quick to put me on the right path when I’m swaying into bad habits or depressive states. But he assured me that that’s not what I’m going through right now.

“A lack of progress is not equivalent to failure.”

It affected me deeply to be called “human” by him like that, like he branded me with a definition. Feeble human who wants to be so much but can only do so much. Little human with enormous dreams and aspirations. Oh you, little human, don’t you know that you’re so small? Don’t you know that you are of the world? Can’t you just rest for a day? Can’t you just accept that? Don’t you know you are human?

It’s an interesting thing to think about when sitting before someone like Lucifer, who is always so beautiful and perfect in every way. Unnaturally so, inhumanly so. Making that sharp distinction between me, human, and him, God made me feel… understood…

Lol, something about that is so characteristically fatherly of him. It immediately made me feel so much better.

Within Christianity there’s this hard emphasis on being as much like God as possible, and as little like a human and possible, because humans are naturally bad and sinful. But I have to keep reminding myself that Im not stuck in that worldview anymore. I don’t have to be like God because Im not a God. Im a human. That’s a very very good thing. Being a human means that I get to witness God without the burden of being one. That’s incredible.

So today, I will probably just do a lot of nothing. Maybe I’ll go on a walk later and feed some crows. Whatever I do, I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I’m only human, after all.

Thank you, Father Lucifer. I love you.

[angelculture22]

I have zero friends on here so no idea if this will reach anyone but if you see this and happen to have a minute I’d appreciate some opinions…

Here’s the situation, my sister and mom both live in NC (my sister lives with her husband and two children about 5 minutes away from where my mom lives).

I live with my husband and our dogs in FL. My mom wanted my husband and I to move to NC when our apartment lease is up next month.

I was willing to consider it, because I love her and my niece/nephew, and said I’d look into options for us. My husband (bless him) said he had no real desire to move there, but would go if I decided it made me happy.

My husband runs an Airbnb business in FL (just 1 unit, makes enough to cover half of our living expenses but not a fortune by any means), and I work in a club here. I have a loyal set of regulars at my club and I’m fortunate enough to only have to work day shift, because this specific club pays better than almost anywhere else in the whole country. I make enough by working only a few days per month to cover my part of the living expenses, but again, not much more. We are not ‘independently wealthy’.

The reason I NEED to work so little and earn so much in the time that I do is NOT because of laziness, I have Sjögren’s Disease with severe systemic involvement. Gastroparesis, dysautonomia, peripheral neuropathy, GI tract dysfunction, bile reflux, esophageal dysfunction, etc. I am in extreme pain and very sick MOST days, so I’m extremely lucky to have the ability to know I can make enough to get by in the short windows where I feel well enough to work.

Their town in NC has one club that would not have been viable for a few reasons, first the prices and cut employees get is much lower, second one of the options involves a hot tub, which I cannot do because of health risks with my dysautonomia. Also it just had a seedy reputation, AND on top of it all they only offer night shifts, which alone would have been much more physically taxing. That was not an option.

My mother suggested that we drive to the nearest city, 2 hours away, every weekend so I could work the weekend nights. She said it would be ‘fun’ and we could ‘bring (my sister’s) kids’ and ‘get a hotel with an indoor pool’. Basically she wanted me to provide them all with a free vacation EVERY WEEK, while I went and worked, probably overnights which again is much more physically taxing with my condition. PLUS all that travel would have been exhausting, AND paying for the travel and stay (which would be more extra expensive since THEY would want to have a fancy fun vacation from it) would have cancelled out a not-insignificant amount of what I ended up making there anyway.

And all of that is the negatives, IF I even get hired. Which is always still a big if.

There was literally no guaranteed source of income for me OR my husband if we moved there. We have a small amount of savings, but only really for emergencies, not enough that we are comfortable spending it otherwise.

So, just purely from a practical standpoint, a move to NC was not something we thought made sense (or would even be possible) right now, EVEN IF WE REALLY WANTED TO. We can’t magic up endless resources, you can only work with what you’ve got and right now we did not feel like we were in a position to make that work.

My mom then suggested that we (or even just me) ‘just come move in with her for a while’. We were both FLABBERGASTED as to how she could not see that OBVIOUSLY that was not something we wanted to, or SHOULD, do. I call my partner my husband (and he calls me his wife). We have been together, happily, for 10 years. We are not technically, legally, married, but only because we have never felt the need to do so, not because of a lack of understood commitment. We don’t have children because it would be extremely difficult with my health problems, so we have dogs instead. Because of this, both my mom and sister do not seem to regard our relationship as valid, because it’s not ‘traditional’. Which we both think is BS. The idea that my mom would actually be UPSET that I/we refused to make HER happy by moving in with her when we are in a decade long committed relationship as two 30+ year old adults is MIND BLOWING to us.

Anyway. We came to the conclusion that our lives and our livelihoods are down here in FL, and that right now even though we did consider it, it makes the most sense for us to stay here. JUST on the basis of we literally COULD not find a financial solution to do so, she should understand why we didn’t move and not be a jerk to us about it, right?

Then, there’s the issue of us really liking where we are in FL, and not really liking NC. The only draw to go there at all would have been to make my family happy, and I happen to think it was really nice of us to try to figure out if there were options for us to do so, given that it wasn’t even what we really wanted. BUT, even if it were possible for us to go there, do we not get to be happy? Do our needs and likes not matter? I feel like my mom is regarding my husband and I as ‘NPC’s’ here, like she’s the only actual human in the world and only her feelings matter, and we just don’t get to make choices to make us happy even if it’s not what she wants. I mean, that’s insane, right?? Your mom being ANGRY with you for living a life that 1) makes you and your partner happy, AND 2) means you can provide for yourself.

Genuinely, she’s being incredibly cold and cruel towards me about this and I can’t seem to explain to her that she as a parent should feel good and proud that I made a smart choice for my own financial stability and happiness in life. Instead, she’d RATHER I put myself into debt and financial uncertainty, and probably depression, just so she can be happy because (and I quote) ‘she really wanted me to join her billiards league and hang out together’.

My husband and I both think this is borderline psychopathic on her part. She thinks we have done something unforgivable by not uprooting our lives at her behest. Which of us is right??

[bisexual-yuri]

Talent and Blessings Don’t Matter in the Hospital (Lessons from ECMC)

There is only so much process you can reasonably expect someone to do 

I feel like I’ve hit my limit

Shit’s got me feeling bored and stupid like the village idiot 

Need my creativity need a job 

I’m all full of all sort of needs to sort out this agony of idleness

They say it’s a kindness to myself to take so much time to myself but what do I do all by myself except circle a drain I don’t want to drain out of?

Can I take a plane or a train off this cliff of boredom without alarming me and everyone that loves me?

Still processing neuropathy and dark shit discussed in therapy 

Like the fact that the nurses sedated me against my will needlessly because they were scared of me 

Don’t care that they’re the real scary she’s, the real scary ones 

The ones keeping me locked away from the sun and the fan

It felt like nobody cared that the son of God sees all including patient abuse, including how if you scary enough they’ll take your fuckin’ shoes 

They don’t got a clue the trauma they causer with the drama and gel/powder painted claws, damaging psych mentality, my prayer is done so more it be

Amanda and JD, were they manic or just anxious?

Why did Corey have to take all this?

Why won’t Fawzi just get all the words out?

Why wouldn’t they just let Jaxem the fuck out?

People no danger to themselves or me

Still in lockup, docs give no fucks you see 

False profits and false prophets get out easy

Druggin’ the fun out of Aggie

You ain’t fun no more, that’s how you get free

Behavior in the health, good behavior in hell

And it doesn’t even come with Mercy

Quitting’ Cymbalta cold turkey

Can’t see color, can’t smell nothin’, feelin’ wonky

Temperature a mess, cold water on hot hands

No one cares to listen, no one really understands that big emotions are not themselves a disease

Drug’ll fuck your mind up till you can’t even see

I’m Eliza spitting’ rhymes now, not lies now, no I’m no fucking donkey

It’s a song but I wrote it in the wrong key

Singin’ red teeth, spitting truth through the nose bleed 

Now I got time to kill but no blood to spill

You can’t take anything further away from me

Robbed of all my autonomy, my work and my loves all a trifecta of purgatory

Abuse and sex crimes by blonde bitches who look at me and see witches

Plural

I’m just one person, big feelings on a fleshly mural 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done to me 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done period 

I’m deadly serious 

This shit needs to get a hard look at it 

A world full of angels seeking their halos and wings, instead get shot down with syringes and bans that take wedding rings 

No wedding ring for me, no wedding ring for Sarah not even a tattoo

In the hospital they treat you like a damn fool and then wonder why you behave any differently 

Sorry ECMC but the truth you saw in there ain’t the real me, it’s the me you brought out of me

It’s the eagle you carved out of a hummingbird that was trying to rest on a dead tree

I’m not a dead me, I’m just me, so why did you try killing me to make me whole again?

I’ll tell you doc, you have cost me all sorts of friends by locking me up in this shit 

Made some new ones too, but the anger and the loss are harder pills to swallow than anything you gave me in follow up

Divorce the PTSD, divorce from real me, you people never trusted me to take care of me

It’s scary

I know in a moment I had lost my mind, but damn is that license to be so fucking unkind? 

How am I supposed to find peace in the belly of the beast? 

How is anyone supposed to heal when you hit them hard with rules about what is and isn’t real?

Makes you wonder who’s the delusional one, the patients or the system

All I know is the needle toothed fucker takes everyone as a victim and doesn’t care if we scream or we cry

More fuel for the fire, more reasons to make people want to die to escape this

I know Al, you’re still here and you can’t take this 

Neither can I, knowing people suffer every day in this hellfire of some hospital’s fucked up design 

But what can I do, I’m just one person and I don’t even have a second shoe to drop because of what the hospital took from me 

I have a lot of friends, lot of family 

Most people ain’t so lucky

Screaming on the wind “why did you do this to me and him and her and them and everybody?”

I wish I knew an answer, I wish I had a better answer than just to scream

Maybe someday when I am healed I will have energy to dream of a better future for this

But for now, all I can do is sleep

[disabledstraydogs]

Hi hello [we are the anon that requested sdbpd+chronic pain dazai btw] we saw that you were fine with us ranting so we decided why not [it’s fine if you don’t read this as it will probably be lengthy,,][also our wording may be weird and we apologize if it is/gen]

Honestly our Main reasoning for Dazai having sdbpd is the fact he fits every single symptoms[listed below]

a decrease in the desire to sleep

Sh behaviors[such as burning,scratching,and hitting]

Risky adrenaline-seeking activities

Threats of suicide+suicide idealization

[dazai aswell shows pretty much all of the symptoms for regular BPD but we are focusing on the self destruction aspects]

I mean like his actions speak for themselves/lh

The way he’s treated also reminds us of how we are treated by [mainly our parents]bc of our sd bpd[or as our mother likes to say “borderline tendencies/derog”]/nav

Anyways that’s the simplified explanation for us thinking Dazai has sdbpd/lh [now onto the chronic pain]

Hands down Dazai 100% suffers from peripheral neuropathy wich would def cause the chronic pain 

Peripheral neuropathy is a type of nerve damage that happens when the nerves outside of the brain and in the spinal cord are damaged. It can be caused by traumatic injuries, infections, metabolic problems, inherited causes and exposure to toxins.

Wich honestly makes a lot of sense for Dazai [we don’t remember if this is canon or just implied]when in+out of  the mafia he probably has gone through torture[wich with tortures there’s a lot of different kinds] and the fact that he dose not take care of his wounds well wich prob has caused countless infections AND he fell down that elevator shaft+injected poison into his veins+has consumed many toxins before would be ample enough trauma to cause damage to his nerves. 

Wich then leaves us to the chronic pain part 

He would prob be suffering from some if not all of these symptoms [listed below]

Gradual onset of numbness, prickling, and/or tingling in his feet and/or hands. These sensations may spread upward into his legs and arms.

Sharp, jabbing, throbbing or burning pain

Extreme sensitivity to touch

Pain during activities that shouldn't cause pain[like pain in his feet when putting weight on them]

Lack of coordination and falling

Muscle weakness.

Feelings of wearing gloves/socks when hes not

The Inability to move if motor nerves are affected

And if autonomic nerves are affected he may suffer from  

Heat intolerance.

Excessive sweating/not being able to sweat.

Bowel, bladder and/or digestive problems.

Drops in blood pressure wich cause dizziness and/or lightheadedness.

Honestly at this point we just feel even worse for him/ lh 

[we do not know if this made any sort of sense  but we hope it did][and we would love to hear your thoughts/nf/gen]

[also ik we have only ever sent in 2 asks but we may plan on sending in more so i’unno if there’s a Dazai anon yet but if there isn’t perhaps that could be our sign off?/nf/genq]

Anon I love this post so much, I'm too tired to go through every point here but !!!! YEAH I agree so much.

Also dw you made a lot of sense, this was detailed and good to read.

And yeah!!! You can have the Dazai anon tag :D

[chronically-kayleigh]

it’s been a while, don’t know if i’m messaging into the abyss or not… i haven’t posted since 2022 lol…

a few updates:

-my cardiologist is retiring :(

-my endocrinologist MOVED?!??!!!

-i’ve had two hospital stays so far this year, equating to abt 10 days total… oh also had my first ambulance ride (i slept through the whole thing)

-i have a diagnosis of hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, which we think my mom has as well

-i’m still doing theatre and i want to go into it professionally. i’ll be a junior this coming year and i want to get a BFA in musical theatre

-i did a show in a major city for the first time this past summer. i was in a month-long intensive in DC and we put on a full show and performed in a real venue

-i’m a textbook case of small fiber neuropathy, they did the skin biopsy just to tell me that it was inconclusive because there wasn’t enough to compare it to in my age group

-i’m 16 now, i have my permit (ive had it since november)… and i have less than 4 hours total logged… i have driving anxiety

-i had a callback saturday and am waiting on an update from that

-i’ve found a good therapist (she brings her dog sometimes too)

and that’s about all i can think of at the moment, but i’m hoping to start this back up.

[fishedeyelenz]

Fishy!! Fish fish! It’s me! The, the long anon…? I mean yeah that works lol. Oooough fishy, OOOOUUUGGH…..I just went through my fourth surgery on my bloody knee and it’s still not fixed and correct and it hurts and oooooough….im about to RIP my leg off and THROW IT!! Or bite it off. Or…man I don’t know, shuck my kneecap like an oyster or SOMETHING.

So! I obviously cannot help but wonder….how would our dearest little twerp Billy handle an s/o with physical health problems? I have MANY issues, oh yes many, I’m very gifted in fact! Very talented. (But for real I’m actually okay) I’m sorry, I know this is like, super specific but…well, I have many physical limitations, I have POTS, neuropathy, complex regional pain syndrome, EDS, my stomach organ doesn’t work properly and I throw up my food when I eat unless I lay down and try to sleep, or am very still while laying down, just, lots of things, I’ve had to be in a wheelchair for long periods of time many times, saying all of this to give you an idea how I’m rather…a weak individual overall, but I love to play and roughhouse I just gotta, be careful and I can’t do a lot at a time lol. Which is hard for me sometimes cause I’m EXTREMELY strong willed when it comes to just, grinning and bearing it, an basically am willing to kill myself from pushing myself too much cause I wanna bloody do what I want!

Okay so, how would Billy be with someone like that? Someone like me? Someone who has (lots of) leg troubles or who has heart problems or maybe you can’t be too too rough with cause of chronic pain? Would HE be the one too scared to mess with me? For fear of hurting me? Would he understand? I have my own ideas and hopes, but I freaking love the way you write him, so I gotta ask!

I wonder if it would make him almost…more willing to show himself sooner…cause I wonder if like…should Billy have an object of affection that he pines for and stalks from afar in his little attic nest, but his object of affection if one who kinda…has to limp and hobble or roll around in a chair and is slow and kind of sickly at times, I can’t help but wonder if he’d almost work himself up wanting to help, in his mind, in his own billy way? Like in his mind he kind of mother hens from afar, with the way he thinks, and the fact that the s/o is, in his mind, weaker than him, for once he could take care of them, HE is the healthy one for once! HE is the strong one this time! HE’S the normal one, and it’s something he never even knew could happen in anyway! Like, I bet it would make him puff up his chest with pride by like, sneaking an extra blanket on them or something small, cause to him it’s it’s HUGE, HUGE that he of all people could actually offer something to someone! Something we all know he doesn’t think is possible!

Ooough I’m sorry,y mind is CURSED with far too many ideas and scenarios that are too gentle and sweet!! I think of all kinds of evil disgusting things…y’all would be horrified. *mushy loving sentimental things*

AND OH TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM. He can bite me with love all he wants, cause I DO THAT! I’m constantly biting my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews! It really is a love language I’m telling you. *naws on him like a chew toy*

ALSO I CANT WHISTLE!! I want to so badly!! He could teach me!! I bet he’d love trying to teach someone something, and we could laugh at how bad I am at it! But I’ve been practicing, I can….almost….ALMOST make a whistle sound…just…not…YET

Hello!! Finally tumbrl let me answer this ask </3 sorry about the delay. I hope you are doing well, and you're recovery is going good!! I hope your knee is managing to heal :( As for Billy... yeah I do think he would show himself sooner to you!! Especially if he develops an obsession on you, cause alas, relationships with him would start off as obsessions </3 But yeah, he would take notice of how you appear to be sick more often than not, and at first it let's him put his guard down around you for a bit. If you're weak, it means you can't hurt him, right? But as time moves on and he develops a genuine fondness for you (a thing he thought he wasn't capable of) he would start trying to take care of you from afar. Leaving your meds close by so you aways have them at hand, adjusting the temperature of your room while you sleep, small stuff like that. I actually think that he wouldn't even reveal himself to you willingly, rather you catch him one day acccidentaly while he's trying to help you from the shadows. A terrifying moment for you both, but you'll laugh about it later.

And yes, he would feel personally responsible for you, and would look out to aways make you feel good or better. Maybe it would actually push him to seek help, go to a therapist maybe, so he could take even better care of you. Cause I can see him having a rough start in your relationship, with him being unstable making him isolate himself from you. One of the main things he fears is of course hurting you, from being too rough with you. I guess you could help help each other with that, you helping him take care of his mental health, him taking care of your physical health.

AND TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM!! It might take time for you to roughhouse together, since his fear of being too rough with you, but when he learns ro better control himself and trust himself, he might just bite back.

And keep on trying whistling!! It took me two years to learn, but in the end it all payed off!! Billy would definitely try to help too hehehe!!

Anyways!! Thanks for the ask long anon!! Took me a while to reply, but I finally got it out!! Hehhehe

[crippleprophet]

(feel free to not respond to this, hell feel free to be like “please don’t do this again”)

so i’ve had join problems for like 3 1/2 years now and they just got diagnosed like 2 week’s ago, turns out i have runners knee

so i feel bad because 1. it feels lit not as big of a deal as i feel like it is (it is a big deal, it’s impacted my life (thank you therapy))

2. i’m worried that pt and more exercise won’t make it better (i’m on my schools swim team, so 4 practices a week during the season, plus a swim meet on friday)

and 3. i feel like (at least for now) i need more support. my pt doesn’t start until february and i can’t remember the last day i haven’t been in pain or had sensations that are probably due to nerve wackiness. i have used a cane in the past and it has helped me immensely. but i feel bad for wanting something that works for both legs. i’ve literally have had 2 dreams about me having forearm crutches.

i’m just really exhausted, sorry for dumping this all on you rn, i feel like even though i was listened to i still was just told to exercise and loose weight

hey, it’s absolutely no problem & i’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this 💕💕

i’m gonna throw like a billion disclaimers on this that, in addition to my usual line about just being Some Guy on the internet, i am definitely responding from a place of trauma here - i don’t know your body & you are the authority on your experiences, i’m just tossing some stuff out there based on my experiences, which might be totally different in other (or underlying physical processes yadda yadda) ways. also like big tw for medical neglect

so. i ran cross country in high school and my joint pain originated in my left knee at age 16, no specific injury or incident, RICE etc barely did anything. xrays and mri showed nothing. tried cortisone shot, euflexxa injections, some sort of topical steroid that was originally used on racehorses, nothing. because i was a runner no one ever considered it could be anything but an orthopedic issue.

i had two exploratory arthroscopic surgeries (which i’ve since learned are as effective as a placebo) with extensive debridement - first dx, plica syndrome, “we have no idea why this was this bad,” cleared to run again after post-op PT, pain came back even worse after ~7 months.

second dx, grade II chondromalacia patellae aka runner’s knee. told never to run again. i knew in post-op PT that something was wrong, this wasn’t the same pain as recovery previously, it felt like the underlying issue was still there. this wasn’t pain of healing, it was making something else worse. my physical therapist didn’t believe me, just kept pushing me, literally told me once that there was no way i was in that much pain. the pattern of swelling, location & sensation of pain, nerve symptoms, etc never made sense to anyone, no matter how many people they called over to poke & prod.

i don’t think i’ll ever know why, especially when he then didn’t fucking do anything with this information, but one day he had me try a lumbar extension stretch. you know the scene in the little mermaid where she’s propping her upper body up with her arms on the rock, waves crashing behind her, triumphant music? it’s basically that pose. it was both the single most excruciating and relieving thing i’ve ever done; even my chronic migraine of 2 years lessened. but we proceeded on a normative linear recovery arc, i got cleared from PT, the pain was better but still there.

flash forward four more years of intensifying pain - first my other knee, then the bottoms of my feet, then more constant and prominent in my lower back, then my upper back & worsening of the neck pain i’d been told and believed was from looking down at books/phone, what i now know as neuropathy increasing all the while - using a cane, then forearm crutches, then a forearm rollator, then a mobility scooter, spending more & more time unable to leave the bed - and i stumbled across an article about ankylosing spondylitis that matched my history fucking eerily, right down to the car crash as a younger teenager. it turns out AS commonly first presents with knee pain, not back pain, in juveniles.

so here’s what i’m gonna tell you: even if it’s “only” chondromalacia, your pain is real and serious and you should listen to your body. and, with again the mega disclaimer that you might be experiencing something totally different, i gently suggest:

read my posts about AS. read my google doc about AS. read anybody’s posts and articles about anything that originates with knee pain, especially if it involves neuropathy.

keep tabs on your body and don’t believe anyone who tells you something is normal until you’ve investigated it for yourself. does your neck hurt? how much? how often? what about your upper spine, between your shoulders? your lower back?

try a lumbar extension stretch, just in case.

if you haven’t been to a rheumatologist before and it’s at all possible for you to do so, do it. if you have a GP and can get a blood workup from them instead, do that. more info on blood testing here - but keep in mind that negative blood work doesn’t rule anything out.

if you can get forearm crutches, one hundred thousand percent do it. make sure they’re sized properly - more info on that here.

do whatever you possibly can to shore up your trust in yourself and your experiences. surround yourself with as many people as possible, in person or online, who believe your pain and make you feel solid in your knowledge of yourself. i’m a big fan of putting up signs with reminders if you can. whether you have chondromalacia, something else, or a combination, your pain is real, it is disabling, and it is in your best interest to develop strategies to cope with the systemic gaslighting that is existing within an ableist society & medical system.

if there is literally anything at all i can do to encourage you, answer questions, etc, please feel free to dm me or send another ask any time. my whole fucking heart goes out to you - you are not the only one who’s been through this, and that is both the horror & deepest relief of chronic pain. so much love to you, may you receive everything you need.

[eclipsecrowned]

Headcaneons for Hel.

It’s not a constant in her day to day life, but as neuropathy and the ensuing muscle weakness plays havoc on her mobility, she’s been known to use her cane on bad days. Some days she is more ambulatory than others, and some days she’s in a bad enough way she doesn’t even try to leave her room.

As her left side is the one afflicted, she handles her cane using her right hand. This incidentally frees up her dominant hand on days when she needs some help.

I have had suggestions ranging from it being a sword cane to her simply being Unnamed Barrel Bastard’s true mother in spirit by having it be weighted. Other possibilities include the potential for Hel using it to store small objects or vials via a hollow segment near to the top of the cane. All I know for sure is Hel being Hel, there’s a secondary purpose to the thing.

It hasn’t been a lifelong aspect of her condition, but became necessary in her early adulthood. An inauspicious climate and payback for years of overexertion as a child hastened a lot of degeneration and other issues regarding her nerves.

She’s gone through a number of them in her lifetime, from ancient walking sticks to the modern age. It’s her most recent one that’s most impressive so far. The base is made of wood from one of Yggdrasil’s roots, which has been scorched a fine black by no less than Nidhoggr. The cane as a whole is shot through with silver for both durability and artistic choices, the handle flanked by tiny moonflowers of the same metal on either end while the rest of the handle is carved to resemble their stems intertwining. Contrary to the image I chose, Hel’s cane has a Fritz handle rather than the gentle u shape of the Tourist handle. It remains in a near perpetual state of winterization to account for the hostile environment of Helheim.

Yes it has an ice tip. Yes I’m making it more substantial than in mere mortal canes, because Hel deserves a formidable ice tip of silver that can be used as a viable threat, if only for a minor pricking.

It’s enhanced by runes, like everything Hel has ever been able to customize in her life. I’m still debating if they are carved into the wood itself or shaped in silver along the surface, but it’s definitely modified via what few magics she possesses.

Yes, she will still have the cane regardless of verse. The only thing that will change is the whys of her using it depending – In most verses it’s due to her chronic condition, where in a verse like TMA or XV where she’s less affected by a rot-equivalent, she is instead dealing with the aftermath of a past injury. We don’t do ‘oh but she’s totally able bodied in this verse!’ around here. We just have to come up with different ideas for the inclusion of this aspect.

[iamrootusr]

So I’m switching insurance at the end of the year, because I’m tired of having to make multiple appointments with Kaiser doctors to try and figure out what the hell is going on with my body. I keep getting “ah we don’t know, but here’s another test. And once we’ve run the test and don’t get any answers, we’ll never follow up unless YOU follow up”.

This is a long rant because I hurt and I’m in a mood to complain.

I’ve had lower right abdominal pain since October of last year, and a period that’s decided it’s never going to stop. And what I thought were recurring UTIs but apparently aren’t because there’s no bacteria. Good times.

I thought the lower right burning might be appendicitis because it got real bad in January, but nope. Nothing to indicate a problem in the lower right abdominal region. Appendix is normal, but hey there’s a fibroid on your left side growing! The larger it grew, the more impossible it was to SIT DOWN. We’ll put you on Lupron to shrink the fibroid (this did jack-all for my left-side impossible to sit pain that came about due to this tumor). Fun part was for the pain? “Oh, advil and Tylenol. Just take Advil and Tylenol.” Except they did nothing and I couldn’t sit up straight for more than 15 minutes without pain. “Sorry, we cannot give you anything other than ibuprofen. Take 800mg/600mg of Advil/tylenol”.

Worst heartburn and nausea of my life. Thank you. Anything else? “No.”

When alcohol and weed are the only things that get rid of the pain, I can strongly empathize with alcoholics…I got a CBD vape instead and that helped immensely.

I got the fibroid removed in May, and the lower right burning went away for a time (I suspect more due to the Lupron than anything else).

Once the Lupron wore off, my non-stop bleeding came back.

In September, they put me on Depo-Provera, because I refused to have an IUD. I’ve read too many horror stories about insertion and I’m sensitive to internal pain so No Thank You. This stopped the never-ending flood, but I never stopped actually Bleeding. Everytime I use the restroom, there’s blood. Or a blood clot. I don’t know, I’m not an expert. Mentioned it to the Gyno, who took a look, found no source, ordered an ultrasound, which found no source. “It’ll go away the longer you’re on the Depo Shot”.

Except on the depo shot, I’ve had non-stop everyday abdominal cramping. Low key, not disruptive, but definitely distracting. I rarely get period cramps, so I’m not used to the random “oh shit pain in my stomach” stabbing. So I’m definitely not going to be continuing that because I’d rather bleed than hurt.

But I still have the lower right abdominal pain.

I was referred to Urology to figure out why I kept getting UTI’s. Except they’re bacteria-free. So doc suspects Interstitial Cystitis or Overactive Bladder. Urologist orders catheterized urine test.

At the same time, I get random neuropathy in my right foot (toes are numb). My PCP orders bloodwork for a bunch of stuff.

When I go to the lab, lab says I have both bloodwork and urine test, so go in cup and donate blood.

So when I go to my catheterized urine sample appt, they say I’ve already submitted the sample via non-catheter test so they’re just doing bladder scan.

Why the fuck would the lab give me the standard test then? Shouldn’t there have been notes indicating that HEY there’s an appointment for a catheterized test? And not only does the urologist not follow up with me on what happened, the nurse mentions that they’re interested in a Cytoscopy, but I have yet to hear ANYTHING about that from the actual doctor. And not only that but when I emailed them, they mentioned doing another catheterized test, but I’ve not heard back from anybody about scheduling that.

And I still have the lower right abdominal burning.

Another fun thing, Thyroid issues run in my family. My maternal side is all on thyroid medication (my grandmas thyroid straight up failed when she was my age). I’ve asked my PCP repeatedly for a full Thyroid work up, because I’m cold all the time, and tired a lot. And yeah it might be because I’m overweight and not very active, but I’d rather be paranoid and proven incorrect.

PCP refuses full thyroid panel. “We’ll just do TSH and if that returns abnormal, we’ll do a full panel. I don’t want to expose you to any unnecessary radiation and the thyroid test is irradiative”.

…I live on a planet with a sun. And I am not. A. Radiologist. I am not concerned about radiation. I just want to know if my T3 and T4 and uptake and whatever else is in that damn test are normal, because at this point with the whacked out period that’s been going on for OVER A DAMN YEAR NOW, I strongly suspect that hey, I have a thyroid issue because my estrogen and progesterone levels are normal!!!

The only doctor at Kaiser I actually like is my psychiatrist ironically enough, because they actually fucking follow up with me after tests are run, and address my concerns. I have ADHD, so I know my chronic fatigue could also be due to that (because it’s a thing… v_v).

So yeah. I’ve had multiple people tell me that the squeaky wheel gets the grease at Kaiser, but come on. I shouldn’t have to pitch a fit just to get decent medical care. In my personal experience, if you have a medical emergency or a quick-solve condition, Kaiser is fine. For anything chronic or medical mystery though? HAAAAAAA. Good fucking luck.

Now I get to figure out how to navigate finding a new doctor. Because I’ve been on Kaiser literally since birth, and have never had to find my own PCP before. I’m just hoping I’ll find one that will actually listen to me. Or at the very least, will humor me and actually schedule follow ups and whatnot. Because my abdomen fucking hurts and the scans come back clear.

[dearophelia]

my dad’s in the hospital again; same reason as last time: his white blood cell count crashed after a chemo infusion

and I just…I feel so bad for him. He was having no symptoms, feeling great for being 72, and we shouldn’t have even caught this right now, but because he has the same genetic mutation that caused my cancer they did some routine scans looking for something else entirely and found it. and he said to me before he started chemo “i feel fine and it seems so strange that they’re going to give me stuff that’ll make me feel bad to treat something I don’t even feel”

and now he’s been in the hospital twice — and I think he just finished literally cycle one of six — and probably won’t get to garden this year because of the chance of infection from something in the soil, he’s fatigued as hell, he had to cancel his classes that he was teaching, he has wicked neuropathy in his feet and there’s quite literally nothing they can do about that, and I just — feel so bad for him

even worse for knowing firsthand some of what he’s going through

and the kicker? Hodgkin’s Lymphoma isn’t related to the BRCA2 mutation we both have. He rolled shitty gene dice twice

[mikelogan]

While I don’t agree with how your mom is treating you, you’re here complaining but didn’t do anything to try to help yourself? Hot bath or shower and pain medication can help a lot.

I've really struggled with whether or not to even answer/publish this ask because I don't owe some piece of shit hiding behind sunglasses a damn thing. I typically block and delete anon hate because, as a nearly thirty year old woman, I just don't care anymore. I used to fire back at anons like this constantly and allow the cycle of stupidity to continue.

On the other hand, this is my blog and if I want to fucking complain about my chronic pain/illnesses/back issues, I have every right to. I also have the right to tell you to go to hell. If popping a fucking Tylenol helped the pain I experience, don't you think I would have done so? Plus, your tone deaf unsolicited advice doesn't know that for my entire life, when I was experiencing pain, my mom's answer was always "TAKE SOME MEDICINE." Not a single moment of empathy or compassion. Just shut up and take a pill. And this was long before I ever even knew the host of illnesses I actually had.

As for your magic healing hot bath/shower: we don't have a tub and do you have any fucking idea how much energy a shower takes when you're chronically ill and have been at like an 8 on the pain scale all day? I'm not proud to admit this, but I haven't showered since my back went out and that's been like probably 5 days? I hate even typing that. It makes me feel disgusted with myself. But it's also REALITY. I've barely been eating because preparing a meal takes spoons that I don't fucking have right now. Just standing takes my breath away and my legs shake almost violently. And yes, we have a shower chair (because my dad has MS), so while that helps, the entire act of getting undressed, turning the shower on, either just sitting under the stream of water or having to hold the showerhead handle the whole time, then getting out, drying off, and getting dressed again takes everything out of me and then some. And that's on a good day. Now factor in back pain, severe brain fog, hands that constantly shake, painful neuropathy in my feet, and the fact that I've barely eaten and I just don't have the fucking energy.

Here's what I hope you take away from me actually wasting my fucking time replying to your bullshit message: nobody -- chronically ill or not -- who's venting on their own blog and not affecting you in the least wants your shitty, unsolicited advice. Anything you think you're doing by "helping" is nothing but shit I've heard my entire life, well-meaning or not. And since I'm already here, the next time you want to pull something like this, maybe try coming off less condescending, you fucking asshole.

[izyjean]

I was able to do a small amount of yoga tonight & that’s helped immensely with my mood of not finishing my routine. I’ve also been reading an amazing book, by Beth Evans, of where she talks about her OCD & how it’s shaped her routines & I don’t feel so alone in having to do certain things to feel successful in my day. I still don’t know what’s in the air, but I have prayed about my frustration & cut ties with many people today. Idk why it can’t be a mutual respect & understanding that we may see things differently, & that’s okay, but I don’t have time nor care to want that drama in my life. I’m not sorry for wanting peace & respect. I am still extremely shaky, not keeping food down & relying on my neuropathy oils, vitamins & ibuprofen for the pain, I just really wish one symptom would subside so I could manage the others. I work a double tomorrow & back to my other job starting Sunday evening. I’m absolutely exhausted & it’s unreal that it takes this much to live comfortably, but nevertheless, not surprised. I hope everyone continues to be open-minded, loving & kind to everyone, everywhere- you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, so just let it be. Happy evening. 💛 #momvlog #lupuswarrior #dailycheerup #yoga #fitness #thriver #lifestyle #lupusflare #nottodaysatan #booklover #clouds #photography #chronicillness #autoimmunedisease https://www.instagram.com/p/CqWyNmXMtTP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=