#distraction battles are a valid form of cope

[therogueduchess]

Maybe you should fight me about it

[henryobsessed]

The Widow and The Witcher Chapter 25

Summary: Getting ready to leave Kear Morhen Julia stumbles on a room that should have remained closed.

Word Count: 3790 

Warning: PTSD episode, Bath tub scene, 

A/N What can I say, PTSD is a horrible thing that is difficult to live with and is not so easily worked through. Geralt and Julia will still experience issues as the years go on but they are working through it together. If this has bought up issues for you can I suggest that you reach out to a trusted friend or a professional you don't have to deal with it alone.

Song best played once the door has opened. 

Chapter 25 – Song "Find Me" by Sigma

Geralt's throat felt sore as he opened his eyes to the light. Realising he was wrapped up in Julia's arms he moved his head to look up at her. He met her eyes which were watching him, a soft smile on her face as she ran her hand through his hair "Morning" Geralt heard her soft voice and even though it was a single word he could hear the questions behind it. Not ready to talk just yet he smiled instead at her. His chest felt lighter today, the events that had occurred in the middle of the night had uncurled a band that had been constricting there for so long that this feeling was foreign, he was amazed at the lightness he now felt. Tucking his head back into the crook of her arm he said "Thank you Julia, thank you for creating a space where I could be safe"

Julia relaxed at his words. She could hear the effects of the night on his voice as it was deeper and more gravelly than normal. She had been worried at how he would be after, but she could hear a change in his voice. Now relaxed and just enjoying him in her arms she said, "Anytime you need it I'm here my love." She bent her head and kissed the top of his hair. "How do you feel today?" Julia questioned turning herself whist still holding him so she could look at him. Geralt smiled a genuine smile that reached deep into his eyes. "Peaceful, I know that I will never understand why my mother did what she did, I don't think even she knows, but I think I have come to a place of acceptance." He breathed deep and Julia saw peace etched in each relaxed muscle of his face. Smiling she reached her hand behind his head and pulled him close to kiss him on the lips. A slow kiss that deepened into a kiss that lasted well into the morning.      

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It was their last day at Kear Morhen, Vesemir was loading up a wagon with the possessions to take to the estate whilst Geralt and Julia were doing a walkthrough of the Castle. Checking to see if there was anything else that might help her as the now designated healer for the wolf pack. This was the first time she had really been shown the castle as most of their days had been spent out in the forest enjoying nature. Particularly the last week had been full of adventure as they explored the mountains, valleys and each other. They made their way down the stone corridors and through large and small rooms until they came to a door that felt strangely familiar to Julia. As they opened it she felt Geralt stiffen behind her, there was nothing in this room but empty shelves along the walls but there was a strong old smell of herbs that prompted a memory. The dream. She turned to see if Geralt was ok. His face had gone pallier that usual and his breathing was coming out in short pants as his eye darted around looking for an escape.

Geralt had been distracted when Julia had opened the door. As they stepped in the smell of the herbs triggered memories that he had locked away. Pain, excruciating pain, fear, being held down, trapped, screams, death rattles, and more Pain. His breathing became erratic and his vision blurred all he could see were the green bottles hanging from the walls, he felt frozen unable to move. Julia was standing before him talking to him, but he couldn't make out what she was saying, what was she doing here she had to get away it wasn't safe here. She took his hands and he stared down at them the contact helping him to focus. "Geralt, listen to my voice and breath with me, deep breaths, tell me what did we have for breakfast?" she said in a light voice, He tried to breath with her, to focus, and thought of breakfast. He could see them sitting in his room eating "Oats we had oats" he replied his voice sounding distant to his own ears.

Julia smiled at him her sweet voice cutting through the haze her eyes moist with unshed tears as she whispered, " That's right we had oats, and we are about to head home to see Ciri" Ciri he could see his daughter in his mind her sweet smile and hear her chattering. He could see the room now see that it was bare that the danger was no longer there. Julia kept hold of his hands, turned and lead him away from the room, away from the smells and away from his past.    

Finding a place to sit in an outdoor courtyard near by Julia pulled Geralt down next to her and wrapped him in her arms. They stayed that way until Vesemir found them. He had waited for along time and wondering if they had gotten lost or maybe lost in each other had decided he needed to hurry them along. What he had not expected was to find them sitting outside the rooms where the trial of the grasses had been held. Blanching at the thought of what Geralt must be feeling he approached as quietly and softly as he could. Julia heard him but Geralt seemed unaware gazing off his eyes unfocused. As she looked up at him the look in her eyes, the unshed tears tore at his old heart. Why had they come here, what had they been looking for to make Geralt open this door, one that all the Witcher's avoided when residing at the castle.

Vesemir crouched in front of Geralt and put a reassuring hand on his knee. Geralt could see the old mans face, could feel his touch but he couldn't form words to talk. He felt a bone-weary tiredness overwhelm him. He could see Vesemir his face focused on Julia they were talking but he couldn't work out what they were talking about. Julia was asking about an extra wagon, and Vesemir nodded looking back to Geralt. His eyes held concern but he didn't try talking he just squeezed Geralt's knee and left them. Julia started talking again stroking his back, "its ok honey, its normal to feel tired after what you have just experienced. Just keep breathing, focus on your breath, Focus on the sound of my voice and the other sounds you can hear." Geralt closed his eyes, he could hear her voice and the sound of birds chattering amongst the trees. He could smell the fresh air and feel her comforting hands as she continued to Rub circles on his back until Vesemir reappeared.

Vesemir came along side Geralt at Julia's request putting his arm around him to support him.  Together they helped Geralt out to the cart where He had laid blankets down in the back along with a pillow, to created a make shift bed. Vesemir supported Geralt to lie down and Julia made sure he was secure and drifting to sleep. Stepping down from the back of the cart Julia looked at Vesemir, he could see the sorrow in her face. As the first of many tears slid down her cheeks he pulled her into a fatherly hug. He felt her soft sobs as she whispered "why did they have to hurt so many boys Vesemir, It was so violent, and they were so young" as she spoke it was almost like she had experienced it with them he shuddered at the memory.

Holding her close Vesemir said in a tired voice "It was the lesser evil, the continent needed special warriors who could rid them of the monster pests who were creating havoc in the land, the monks did trials on themselves and with the help of sorcerers and their elixirs the mutation was created. These young boys were mostly abandoned, left orphaned and would have ended up dying on the streets or on the battle field at least here they were fed and cared for and if they survived ended up with a family for life." He knew it wasn't a conciliation, but it was the truth he had lived.

Attaching Julia and Geralt's horses to the wagon Julia took the reins. She turned to check that Geralt was still sleeping and then with a click of her tongue instructed the horses to follow Vesemir as they left the place of beauty and horror behind.

It was almost night fall when they stopped to camp beside the road, Julia had woken Geralt and together they had helped Vesemir set up camp. Geralt was silent during the evening and Julia worried about his change in demeanor. It was frustrating to her as he had such a breakthrough regarding his mother days before and he had been so happy and carefree. Now he looked tired, flat and unmotivated only responding with grunts when instructed to help with something or asked a question.

That night as they slept near the fire Julia pulled Geralt into her arms, at the contact she felt him stiffen, then snuggle deeper. The only things she could do was validate his feelings and so as she stroked his hair and rubbed his back she said "its ok to feel tired and overwhelmed after what you experienced Geralt. I'm here when you want to talk and if you don't that's ok too." Her arms held him close and for the first time that day she felt him respond by squeezing her back.            

The three travelers made their way quietly back to Wolnosci, and to the estate. Each day travelling as far as the horses could cope with the loads they pulled and then setting up camp for the night. They avoided villages and kept to the forests. Each day Geralt began to feel a little more ok, he still didn't want to talk much the images and memories that he had relived that day burned his mind. He had to work hard to not let them overtake his daydreams. His nights were a different story, once he was snuggled into Julia's arms her familiar scent and the familiar peace, he associated with her touch helped him sleep. It was for this reason that on their last night before arriving home he decided to open up with both Julia and Vesemir. He needed to talk about it before arriving home, he wanted to leave it here in the forest.

The night air was cooling and they were sitting around the fire. Julia had for the last few nights started to worry that Geralt would not come out of this experience unharmed. He seemed lost most days and uninterested in any passion. She made a point of kissing him good morning which he did not reciprocate and at night he would burrow into her arms but again there was no affection it was more of a lifeline he seemed to be grabbing onto. A small fear had begun to plant itself in the back of her mind that he would retreat back into his stoic self. The image of the White wolf, The Witcher that he had for 70 plus years inhabited. All she could do was wait, all she could do was pray, all she could do was continue to show him he was loved.

Julia sat playing with her food, her appetite lost when she heard Geralt clear his voice. Both she and Vesemir looked to the quiet man. His eyes unsure as he looked to Julia and said "I need to talk this out before we get home. I don't want it to follow me there, tainting the place I now associate with so much joy." Tears welled up in his eyes as Julia put an arm around his waist. Vesemir moved closer to his other side placing a hand on his shoulder speaking with concern "you do what you need to Geralt, you know we have shared similar experiences but we all feel it in a different way."

Geralt felt both his Father mentor's and his wife's care and love giving him the strength so share his burden. "I know you went through this Vesemir, every day they took me into that room I expected to die. The pain was so intense, the other boys screams and then silence, I had buried it all until I walked into that room. Each day they took me back and each night I survived when the others didn't, I should have died too, they were my friends, my brothers." He felt so guilty that he had survived. Geralt hung his head, the weight of his guilt and pain overwhelming him. He could feel Julia, her love, her peace as she continued to hold him. Then she spoke "Geralt, what you are feeling is real. They were your family and you were given no time to grieve them. I can't explain how but I saw you, I saw the pain you were in. I heard the screams and cry's of the other boys. You have every right to feel how you do. But you survived, and I am grateful every day that you did"

Vesemir echoed her words "I hated watching the boys die, I hated seeing them and you go through trial after trial. We were told it was the lesser evil, told that you would be the ultimate Witcher. The only good thing that came of the ran sacking of Kear Morhen was that they could no longer create more of us. It was done. But son, no matter how you see what happened I am glad that you survived. You, Eskel, Lambert and Cohen are my family and have bought so much joy to my life. I can imagine some of what you feel but not all. I am also grateful you survived"

Geralt heard the compassion, and love coming from his family. He knew it to be true. He knew that when he arrived home tomorrow he would be able to forgive Visenna. To be able to love her as a mother. His greatest concern now was could he forgive himself, for surviving, for living when the others had not. Shutting his eyes he focused on the calming presence of both Julia and Vesemir. Thinking of his family back at the estate, Ciri, Tobias, Renee and the children, Yennefer and Jaskier. The picture enveloped him and his heart as he saw that they were there because of him and he would fight for them. He would forgive himself because of them. Opening his eyes he looked at Vesemir seeing truly for the first time that he was his father. He reached out and hugged him.

Julia held her breath as she watched Geralt hugging Vesemir. Her heart was so full of grief for what this man had been through, but if was also full of love for him. She watched as Geralt released Vesemir and then turned to her. She could see the depth of pain but also a clear acceptance of who he was showing in them now. A confidence that had been missing since the first day she met him. He smiled and lifted his hand to cup her cheek. A small smile lifted the corners of his lips as he said "My beloved, I love you so much." With that he drew her in and kissed her gently but with every promise of many more to come.

The next evening the weary travelers arrived back to the estate. They had not sent word ahead, so it was a surprised household that greeted them. Ciri was as always overjoyed and greeted Geralt first with a big hug. Her presence bringing a completeness to Geralt's heart as the weight of the last few days completely fell off his shoulders. Ruth and Hannah set about preparing their rooms and Nessie set out a simple but filling meal for them all before they headed to their chambers. There was one thing that Geralt needed to do before heading in for the night. Standing at their chamber door he bent down and kissed Julia "I'll be back soon, I just really need to do this before I go to sleep." Smiling back at her husband Julia squeezed his hand and said "Its ok, I'll be here" she reached up and kissed him gently on the lips and then turned into the room.

Geralt stood at the door and knocked. The door cracked open and light from the room spilled into the corridor as Visenna looked at him surprise on her face. He smiled at her, seeing her standing before him. Her red hair braided ready for sleep, a gentle smile broke across her face when she saw it was him. Geralt did what he had wanted to do since last night as he stepped forward and engulfed his mother in his arms. A squeak of surprised from Visenna made him chuckle as he buried his face in the crook of her neck not as a lover would have but as a child would. He held her like that for some time as she began to reciprocate the hug. Eventually he pulled back and he saw the same unshed tears in his eyes reflected in hers. "Mum, I forgive you, and I want you to know I love you." At that Visenna broke down in his arms his words breaking through her years of grief and hurt, replaced now with the love of her son.

Julia knew when Geralt entered the bathroom, even though her eyes were closed as she soaked in the bath. For one she could smell his stench of horse and days of travel a mile off but she also felt his presence so strongly that she knew she would always be able to sense him. She chuckled as she heard him discard his garment and walk to the bath. She felt his breath on her ear sending a shiver through her body "Is there room in this bath for a weary tired traveler?" grateful she had already washed her hair and was just relaxing now she opened her eyes to his and said with a smirk "yes, but you forgot smelly too"

Laughing at her quip she was relived and happy to see a spark of peace and joy in his eyes. Sitting up she made room for him to sit in front of her as he stepped into the tub. Pouring water over his head she then began to shampoo his hair. He groaned in pleasure as she massaged his scalp cleaning away the grime and tension from the last few days. She loved that sound, it was reserved for her touch, for her ears only a reciprocation of her love. She continued to clean and massage the days of dirt from his hair and skin leaving him like melted putty in her hands.

As he enjoyed her ministrations he began sniffing at the air, "What is that smell" he groaned and not the kind that she was previously enjoying. "honey and chamomile" she said with a smile, "Jaskier gave me the bottle that he used on you for your wedding preparations" he hummed and then said with a huff "That boy needs to find a more manly scented option." Laughing at his gripe Julia dumped more water over his head to wash the soap from his hair "Maybe we should find a horse scented one, would that suit you better" chuckling Geralt turned over his eyes sparkling with mirth "now that's the best idea you have come up with yet wife. Why don't you put that down so I can show you how much I like the idea" putting down the soap quickly Julia wrapped her arms around her husbands neck and they kissed, her last thought before she couldn't think anymore was "Its so good to be home"

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It had been a few weeks since they had returned, Geralt and Julia had settled into a familiar routine and were enjoying life at the estate. Tonight, was a special evening though as the whole family was here to celebrate the naming of Tobias and Renee's twins. They had spared no extravagance for this evening, hiring minstrels plus of course Jaskier who had managed to make himself at home in the estate as the permanent nanny and singer for the twins. In fact, it was impossible to put them down to sleep without his voice carrying on the wind. Nessie had made a menu fit for a king and queen for the twins although only their mother carried their food option for the present.

The hall had been decorated with bright coloured material wrapping the columns and tables. Reminiscent of the very last party Wilfred had shared with her. She was glad he was represented here tonight as a part of this joyous occasion. Right now, she was lounging in her favourite position with a strong muscular body behind hers as a pillow. Her Warrior, Her lover, Her best friend now with his arms around hers. She nestled deeper into his arms whilst enjoying the view before her. Yennefer was sitting with Ciri and Visenna and seemed to be engaged in a serious discussion until Ciri laughed brightening their faces, Vesemir was sitting back with a small smile on his face as Eskel, lambert and Cohen were debating the joys of having a good cook at their disposal.  

Her final joy was seeing Tobias and Renee holding their precious bundles in their arms, their Son Wilfred and their daughter Amelia. Her family made complete being surrounded by her servants enjoying the feast eating and celebrating with them. Geralt leant down and kissed her on the top of her hair whispering as he did "I Love you" with that Julia sighed a contented sigh her life now completed with family, friends and children. Looking up into the face of her greatest contentment his eyes meeting hers as she whispered back "I Love you too".

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[frozen-hearts-cannot-be-broken]

What does your muse smell like?

Before the Blaze- Lavender or lilac deodorant & strawberry shampoo; will put on some nice perfume if she’s feeling fancy or if it’s a special occasion

After the Blaze- Like a doctor’s office; cannot use scented deodorants or hair products due to her line of work; emits a musk that smells faintly of ozone & winter when using her powers

What do your muse’s hands feel like?

Before- Smooth & delicate; she’s never really had to work a day in her life & it shows

After- Very dry due to her constantly being cold; the beginnings of callouses are starting to form & her touch is literally as cold as ice; she wears specially made gloves not so much for her comfort, but everyone else’s 

What does your muse usually eat in a day?

Before- Anything quick & easy to make (frozen & microwavable meals, sandwiches, etc.) or takeout; she does try to keep track of what she puts in her body though, making sure to keep her meals balanced & more or less healthy

After- Whatever Kray puts in front of her; he has her on a very strict, well-balanced diet to keep in her in the best shape possible; sweets & takeout are out of the question the majority of the time, but he does treat her on special occasions or when she does a good job (a happy prisoner worker is a good worker, after all); to Kray’s credit(?), the meals he has prepared for her are always gourmet level, so I guess that’s something?

Does your muse have a good singing voice?

Before- Yes; she didn’t have much interest in following in either of her parent’s footsteps, preferring to seek a career in the arts rather than the sciences, & her parents were both encouraging & able to finance her pursuits; her mother’s best friend was a former rock singer turned vocal coach who started giving Thiya lessons as an early teen; a few years later, Thiya started a YouTube channel where she would post her various covers & over time gained a decent-sized fanbase, big enough to warrant the occasional live performance

After- Thiya still retains her powerful voice, but she’s very out of practice; she also doesn’t really feel like it anymore, saying it doesn’t make her as happy as it once did; that being said, she can still be heard humming or singing under her breath whenever she hears a song she likes (most of which are now considered ‘oldies’ or ‘classics’); the few times she sang while under Kray’s care were to distract herself from the pain brought on by her physical therapy and/or recovery from battles with Mad Burnish

Does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks?

Before- Wrings her hands when nervous, along with stammering & stuttering; laughs when she’s overwhelmed & can’t figure out how to express it, which can be a bit unsettling to those around her

After- Any & all physical nervous ticks have been conditioned out, although she does cackle hysterically when receiving devastating news; has probably developed a crap-ton of unhealthy coping mechanisms, especially once she’s learned the truth about Kray; much like Galo, she deeply craves validation & praise from Kray; this hero worship is later shifted to Galo, Lio, & to a lesser extent, Ignis

What does your muse usually look like / wear?

Before- Will usually prioritize comfort over fashion, doesn’t really have a very unique style; hates high heels with a burning passion; will put in the effort for special occasions such as black-tie events hosted by her parents’ colleagues (long dress, a little makeup & putting her hair up or a suit & tie combo, depending on how she’s feeling) or concerts (tight clothes that show off her figure, combat boots, styled hair, leather jacket or trench-coat; think, Mad Burnish Lite); doesn’t like showing much skin, regardless of occasion 

After- When working as the Freezish, Thiya doesn’t wear much under her armor so as not to restrict her movements (usually a specially made catsuit, combat boots, utility belt, & goggles--almost like a superhero); when she’s not working, she dresses as casually as she did before, just with more layers; all of her clothes are custom made, preserving what little natural body heat she has left

Is your muse affectionate? How much? How so?

Before- Thiya is very affectionate with her loved ones, although she’s not the biggest fan of PDA; her preferred means of conveying affection are acts of service, gift giving & words of confirmation, but also enjoys physical affection if the other person is comfortable with it; is VERY touchy when intoxicated

After- Same as before, if not a little more reserved; she was a bit affectionate with Kray at times; closes herself off something fierce after the events of the movie; still strongly desires to give & receive affection but distances herself from others to keep from getting hurt or worse, making others uncomfortable; she also doesn’t believe she deserves any, so she doesn’t really give it

What position does your muse sleep in?

Before- On her side or stomach while cuddling her pillow, which she also drools on

After- On her back with her hands at her sides; could easily pass for a corpse

Could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room?

Before- Only if she’s singing or mad

After- Only if she’s singing or absolutely livid

Thanks to @ofhope for the template

[the-gift-of-submission]

Inside a Submissives Soul

Dear Diary -

My life feels like one big struggle of a mess right now. My therapist says I'm a going through a 'burnout', not from work, from life. Something has changed in me and I can feel that I am still changing. Therapy leaves me raw, I realise that's the whole point, we are digging around at things to pick apart and as much as I've always known I've put myself second in pretty much all situations and circumstances, now its time to put myself first. Unfortunately that means I have to make people in my life aware of this and consequently it will cause them a great deal of hurt and upset. It's so damn hard, I feel selfish and guilty for the fact I am to put myself first. My therapist says the burnout could lead to a nervous breakdown if I don't take care of myself properly and give myself the time and space I need. I'm not entirely sure what time and space means.

He is aware of everything I am facing. Although things could be far worse than they are, it still heavily weighs on my shoulders and I often feel I can't cope. I'm low, anxious and numb. He offered to help with time and space, he suggested a short break away and that's what we did. He picked me up at the weekend and took me to the coast and took care of me whilst I was able to switch off. My whole life I've been taken care of but not the way he takes care of me. He gives me what I need and he also gives me what I want. I feel eternally grateful for his presence in my life. I am thankful of the very fact he chooses to be around me even with all the difficulties he is currently facing. I'd be so lost without him.

He is concerned that he may need to give me time and space for me to be able to work through things, he is concerned he is impacting on my choices, he is concerned over much of what is going on but its not him, I don't need time and space from him. If he goes away, if he leaves, I know I will just break completely. He gives me validation, acceptance, trust and honesty, he gives me what no one else does in this f***ed up world, he gives me everything I need and want. I don't need to think around him, my head stop spinning, my heart stops hurting, my soul feels at peace when I'm with him. Everything stops, everything feels good, I feel good, I feel better. I can breathe, I can rest, I can just be.

The weather was lovely whilst we were at the coast. It was peaceful, even though it was busy in the town, I was OK. We walked through the busy streets holding my hand, he treated me to a tea and cake, we walked along the pier to the very end, stopped to appreciate the view whilst chatting, the wind was strong but it was nice and walked all the way back before stopping off to grab some food shopping for our overnighter. We moved alittle further down the road, closer to a village on the edge of the town. It was quiet, it was perfect. We walked along the beach, he kept finding glass that had been tumbled over by the waves over time, I ended up doing the same with him. He said it was like a form of meditation, keeps you occupied and distracted from your own thoughts, he's not wrong. I very much enjoyed everything he had us doing. It was very much needed. Sand between my toes, him holding my hand, we talked, we laughed, even the quiet moments were a comfortable silence and they were, well, everything. We sat for a short while, again, content and peaceful in my surroundings, sometimes, life can't get much better than this. The chill picks up as the sun is on its way down to set and he prompts us to head back to the van. We had a bite to eat and talked for a while as night time kicked in before getting comfortable for bed sometime later.

Our time together wasn't about anything other than our friendship and having the time to be away from all the s**t we are battling with in our lives. I have joked previously about us being just 'friends', I think it's safe to say that is a foundation but it is not something that our relationship is limited to. There were moments of closeness, the odd kiss, lots of hugs and holding hands or my arm would link through his. I may be assuming things here but when we laid in bed, we snuggled and I'm almost convinced I can tell when he's feeling things, feeling the need to be closer in some way. His body language and breathing is a give away, the internal growl was present.

We drifted into sleep, I dosed on and off throughout the night, I was hoping I would be able to sleep fully as it's been hard to do so along with being unable to eat properly. I was comfortable nontheless. When the light from dawn came I was pretty much awake. I looked over to find him looking at me. We snuggled some more. Needing to switch sides from the 'dead arm' feeling down one side of our bodies. I moved over him and we snuggled the other way. As he spooned me I could feel his member against my butt cheeks, he was hard. I pushed back slightly to be a tease. He was just as much a tease and he knows it.

Before long he moved his free hand into my panties and started to gently rub at me. His fingers know how to hit the spot, keeping rhythm, occasionally changing things around and it felt so good, that good I immediately wanted to release. It was slow, sensual and my god it works like a charm, I can feel my insides tightening and my legs shaking. I wish I could when he tells me to, his 'cum', 'get it', his 'let go' and his count down from 5. I become so infuriated by my inability to do as he says without hesitation. I wish I knew what holds me back, it's there, it just won't release. It took me forever but he didn't quit, he kept going till I eventually came. It was a strong one, took me what felt like forever to come down, I twitch and spasm after my orgasms, my body goes through aftershocks for some time after. I rolled over to face him, he moved onto his back, he was supposed to get up but my hand had to return the favour. Gripping his member with my hand, feeling him grow between my fingers, he became rock solid rather quickly, he seemed to be enjoying it too.

'Take off your panties'. I know he means business when he says things like that. Off they came and he moved over the top of me. Reaching down between us to guide him into me, yet again, I was ready for him and yet again, I immediately wanted to climax. He has said, not in these words, that his self restraint when it comes to his release is a challenge. Apparently, I am tight. I very much take this as a compliment and I can't help but grin, it's a very smug grin knowing he has to fight to hold himself back, he is very much wanting to work on this, I think he holds out very well indeed but I have some self satisfaction there about it to say the least.

He tells me to cum, I am already there, it ripples through from where he is inside me, outwards up to my head and down to my toes. He keeps going, he never let's up and I'm never sure I can't take anymore after how intense my climax runs over me, he makes me question my ability to handle myself. Not long after he says to cum again, I respond yes, it's there, I can feel it. I am able to multiple but they often become weaker the more I do. This was just as strong as the first from when he was masturbating me and the first from him penetrating me. I fall of the edge as climaxes take over, this time it really takes over and I can't stop, as he keeps driving in and out of me, my orgasms echo through me over and over. I lost count after about 4 and I'm pretty sure it was just one continous flow and the intensity just increased and decreased as time went on. He is now ready to release and he does so, I've noticed his release set mine off too, one final big bang the intensity comes to a stop. Holding for a moment, we are covered in sweat and both wearing a satisfied smile on our faces. We have also made a mess, mainly my fault, he tells me not to worry, rolls me onto my side and he moves off to clean up. I'm quite capable of sorting it out myself but he tends to just do it and leave me to recuperate alittle, I find this incredibly sweet in how attentive he is with me at times. When he comes to clean me, the cold, whether it's expected or not catches me off guard and I always flinch, he always seems amused by this. I'll find a way to get him back one day.

After him sorting both of us out, he gets dressed and goes out for 10 minutes or so. I freshen up and get myself comfortable, I am whacked so I lay on the bed. He returns with a cup of tea and cake for breakfast, I am warmed by his gesture. Still feel quite tired, I get myself snug with his duvet, we chat for some time. Most of our meets, he knows I struggle with back pain and he often gives me a massage to relieve the ache and tension I feel pretty much all the time, I am just used to it but damn he really knows how to help it. After playing masseuse, he gives me abit of a spanking, whether he is just being generous or it is for the fact I am alittle cheeky with a foul mouth at times. If he genuinely didn't like it and told me to stop I would, so far he never has. Anyhow, my ass cheeks have a nice shade of pink I can carry around for a few hours until it settles. He doesn't like leaving marks but my skin seems to be quite sensitive.

After further attempts of trying to get me up and out of bed, I am just so content and really quite tired, I realise I need to and I will do, just not quite yet. He talks to me about experiences at the clubs he has attended over the years for a while, I love listening to him about anything he talks about. He knows I very much would like to attend a club in the future, I am just very nervous about it at present and feel I need to get myself together in a number of ways before I attend. He has said he will accompany me in whichever fashion we feel appropriate at the time so ensure my safety and aid with the guidance I will need.

I am listening to him but I can also feel something is amiss within myself. I try to contain it, I don't know what he picks up on but when he asks if I'm OK I tell him I don't know. He asks me a couple of questions about how I feel when we play, if I go fuzzy, which I do in different ways. He asks how I feel after, when he's not around, I tell him I feel abit sad but I put that down to the fact that I miss him. He suggests that I may be experiencing sub drop, I am aware of this and I try to take care of myself during these times to the best of my ability. I start to get upset, I've never allowed myself to cry infront of him before nor did I want to anytime soon, I don't want my darkness to impact his. He comes to cuddle me in bed, my tears grow, he rests his hand on my face to help me feel enclosed, a way to make me feel safe and it helps but the tears are getting worse. I feel so much upset and hurt, everything that's been going on in life rushes back into me, I have have go back to it all in a few hours, I really don't want to, I don't want my time with him to end again and I'm fighting to keep it all tucked away, I don't want him to see me at my worst. I'm unable to calm myself, he tells me to let it out but I am refusing. In the end its no use and it all floods through me, and onto him, quite literally, he needed a new tshirt. Through it all he held me close, he gave me tissues, he spoke to me. Support like this never goes amiss. This for me brings a type of strength that solidifies our relationship in whatever context it may be. I don't let anyone see my darkness like that, he's been aware of it but he's never physically seen it. He was my rock through it all. It takes a while but I calm, it eases and I begin to pick myself up enough to move forward.

It is time, yet again, to head back to reality. Takes a couple of hours and we talk through the things we are facing. He is trying to understand where I am at and remains neutral in playing 'devil's advocate', which I find ever so respectable. He has opened up to me like never before recently and I have honoured he feels he can do so, I want to support him in everyway that he does me. Eventually we arrive back to reality and after saying out thank yous and goodbye for nows with a hug and kiss, off we go to face it all again. The time away with him was beyond needed, the whole point was so I could breathe, enable myself to switch off and maybe be able to think more clearly. As much as I am dealing with what I can, much of it is about biding my time, getting on my feet to become independent and self reliant.

I hate the fact that I pine for him, it makes me feel weak and needy but at the same time that just reminds me that he means such a great deal to me. I wouldn't change what we have together for anything, I hope we grow to have something more in time but at the very least, this is and would be enough if we are to stay how we are now. I just hope I get to see him again real soon, I hate being away from him, I really do.

The weekend, even with things looming in the background, for me, it was perfect, felt special and was very much needed. I hope this is something I can do again in the near future even if it's just me jumping on a train and seeing where it takes me. Obviously the company I've had this weekend would be much nicer. To not have have think, just to be able to breathe. I am eternally grateful once again for his time and support at such a crucial time in my life. I will hold this close to me for a long time coming.

[emperorsfoot]

This one is short enough that I can post it here.

Season 1, post episode “Failsafe”.

Canary's comforting hand on his knee and her words of understanding and support warmed the kryptonian-genomorph and he felt his shoulders relax. Admitting it had helped him to feel better –less guilty, less conflicted. During the failed simulation exercise he had watched innocent bystanders as well as his own teammates die around him and yet, rather than the heart-wrenching grief that the others experienced, he had felt at peace. He had been created to replace Superman and in the simulation he had finally gotten the chance to fulfill his purpose.

Though he had been quick to correct the dream constructs that addressed him as 'Superman', Conner hadn't been able to help feeling a something that felt suspiciously similar to pride swell up inside him and fill his chest. It gave him a grim confidence; he could do anything –anything that was needed of him. And so, when Robin had suggested he be the distraction for the others to sneak inside the alien mothership, he had been all to ready to agree.

And when the disintegration beam hit him, his last thoughts were not of the friends he had lost or the one he was leaving behind, or even of M'gann who's confession of love was still fresh in his mind. No. His final thoughts had been about the Man of Steel and what he must have thought or felt in his final moment when he made the final sacrifice in the protection home and freedom.

There had been a long empty blankness that seemed to stretch on for an infinity after that… and then, he awoke. He was alive, his team was alive, their mentors were alive. It had all been a training exercise. A 'no win' simulation to teach them to cope with failure –a 'Kobayashi Maru' Wally would later call it (though, Conner still hadn't figured out where that name had come from). It had failed, of course. After Artemis' death, none of them had been able to cope.

Except him.

He had done more than 'cope', he had thrived. Was that really how Superman felt when the weight of the world rested on his shoulders? With his home in danger, the people around him being threatened –dieing… was the Man of Steel at peace? Conner didn't think so. With all his friends dieing before his eyes, his home being threatened and his efforts to beat back the invading tide being blocked at every turn Superman would not be a peace, he would not thrive. He would strive, but not thrive. He would strive to do what he could, and possibly what he couldn't as well. But over all, he would do what was right –or at least what he deemed to be 'right'.

That was the fundamental difference between them. (Well… that was one of the fundamental differences between them.) Superman did what he thought was right because he perceived it to be the right thing to do. Conner did what was needed because he perceived it to be the heroic and 'Superman-like' thing to do. In that respect, he was nothing like his genetic-parent at all.

He had not grieved when Artemis and Aqualad had been disintegrated, he had only felt… needed. And when Robin told him to run decoy, to basically lay down his life, he had felt happy –honored even.

But now that the nightmare –the dream- was over, Conner found it difficult to look his teammates in the eyes. How could he face them now, knowing that their lives meant little more to him than a means of validating his own importance? Even M'gann…

When the weight of the world rested on his shoulders, he grinned and flexed to test its weight. But he was sure that that was not what Superman did when he was burdened with the weight of the world. And it would be a burden for him –for Superman, the ever-boy scout. For Conner the weight of the world had been a prize or maybe a reward, and something about that just didn't seem right now that he was back in the waking world.

Canary had said that these things took time. That admitting it was the first step.

Well, he'd taken the first step. Now he wanted to take one more. Whether or not it was the right step, Conner didn't have the foggiest. But it was the next step he wanted to take. It was a step that had been delayed far long enough already without the added prompting of the nightmarish simulation.

…

He had indulged in several doubts while riding Shpere in her Super-cycle form north towards the Arctic. What if the Fortress of Solitude didn't actually exist? What if it had just been a construct of the dream-simulation? What if there was nothing there but barren ice? These were the misgivings that ran through the young genomorph's mind as he sped through the air. He acknowledged the possibility of these doubts, but he refused to let himself give into them.

His stubbornness was rewarded when the Super-cycle touched down outside a sheer white structure bearing the S-shield that was exactly identical to the one in the dream-exercise.

Conner dismounted the cycle and strode up to the S-shield carved right into the cliff-face. It didn't look like a door. There was no hinge, no knob, keyhole or anything easily identifiable as a lock. Still, the Boy of Steel knocked. It didn't feel like ice either. Oh, sure it was plenty smooth, but not really very cold, and it seemed much denser than ice (or at least, denser than any ice Conner had come into contact with).

"Hello!" The kryptonian-genomorph called to the empty Artic landscape. "I need to talk to you."

There was no response from the Fortress. No peephole on the cliff-face opened up. No big booming voice demanded 'Who goes there!' There was nothing to indicate anything had heard him. The Boy of Steel had to glumly admit that this had been an exercise in futility. The Man of Steel wasn't home, possibly didn't even live in the Fortress at all. He would not meet his genetic-parent here. With a growl of frustration over his wasted time, Conner turned back to the Super-cycle to leave… and froze mid-turn.

Superman stood a good ways away, his feet planted, arms crossed over his broad chest, cape fluttering in the chill breeze. He stood out boldly against the stark whiteness of their surrounding landscape.

"You wanted to talk to me?" The man's voice was so much like his own, but a deeper octave. It was a premonition of what Conner's voice would sound like in a few more years, once he had completed his maturation 'the old fashioned way' outside of his Cadmus hibernation pod at the rate of a normal kryptonian.

Caught in the man's gaze, the Boy of Steel suddenly found himself at a loss as to what to say. He opened his mouth to speak but only a feeble croak came out. He had come here wanting to ask his genetic-parent about the weight of the world and how he coped with having it thrust upon his shoulders. But the few times that he had actually interacted him the Man of Steel, he had been evasive, aloof and anxious to get away –jumping at any opportunity to distance himself from the boy.

Conner suddenly felt uneasy about discussing anything with his genetic-parent.

As the awkward silence dragged on Superman raised an eyebrow. "Has your voice frozen?"

Conner shook his head.

The Man of Steel sighed, his shoulders slumping as if in defeat (though, what he'd been internally battling, Conner couldn't even begin to guess). "Well, if you're here and you're not going to go away, I might as well invite you inside." He turned from the boy and headed for a gap in the ice where the frigid water beneath was exposed. "Follow me."

The Boy of Steel hesitantly followed the Man of Steel to the water's edge. He wondered briefly if his genetic-parent intended to drown him like an unwanted cat and finally rid himself of the clone forever. He could probably do it too. He was stronger than Conner was and could overpower him easily, they were in the middle of nowhere, there would be no witnesses, Conner hadn't exactly told anyone where he was going for fear of being stopped. When asked if he might know the whereabouts of his clone, Superman could easily deny ever seeing the boy. It wasn't like they hung out allot (or at all).

But heroes didn't do that sort of thing.

Once Superboy had reached the water's edge, Superman dove beneath the surface with a splash so small, the Boy of Steel thought it might make Aquaman jealous. Conner turned back to Sphere, still in her Super-cycle form and said, "Stay."

The sentient alien machine obeyed, transforming back into her base ball-form to wait for him. Reluctantly, Conner dove into the chill Arctic water as Superman had done. He caught site of the tail end of a red cape as it disappeared behind and ice formation and followed. The ice seemed to close in around him to form a natural pathway, but the way the ice had been smoothed was most decidedly not natural, it had been planned by an architect of one sort or another. The underwaterway began to slope upwards and Conner saw the surface shimmering above him.

When his head came up gasping, the Boy of Steel found himself in a wide chamber with Superman standing on a solid crystal landing –already dry. Conner pulled himself out of the water and stood sopping before his genetic-parent.

"How did you…?"

"Spin dry." The Man of Steel supplied as if this should have been obvious.

Conner cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow quizzically. "What, like, super-speed spin? I don't have super-speed."

Superman missed one… two… three beats before he sighed and turned around, grumbling a soft, "Wait there."

The Man of Steel blurred out of the chamber and returned less than a moment latter holding a clean dry towel out for the boy. Superboy accepted it and began padding himself down. When he was no longer dripping (but by no means 'dry') he looked back up at his genetic-parent wondering what to do next. This had, so far, been the most time he'd spent in the man's presence since first escaping Cadmus that faithful Independence Day night. (It was also approaching the most words they'd exchanged with each other, too.) It seemed neither of them quite knew what to do about the other.

"You wanted to talk to me?" Superman finally broke the awkward silence between them. He took the used towel from the boy's hands and draped it over his arm.

"I, uh… yeah." Conner suddenly found himself talking to the man's boots rather than his face, not waning to make eye contact. "Have you, uh, did anyone tell you about the training simulation not to long ago?"

There was another prolonged pause. Their conversation (if you could even call it that) seemed to be more of a prolonged silence occasionally broken by dialogue rather than an exchange of words occasionally broken by silent pauses. When the Man of Steel did not respond Conner raised his eyes to chance a glance at the man's face. He had expected to find something akin to polite blankness or perhaps even confusion. After all, he wasn't a mentor to anyone on the Young Justice team, what reason would there be to keep him up-to-date on YJ happenings? Instead, Superman's expression was thoughtful –considering- and ever so slightly sympathetic.

Finally, after the pregnant silence had dragged on long enough he stepped aside to let Conner enter the Fortress proper and said in a gentler tone than the Boy of Steel was used to, "I'll make you some tea."

…

After being led through an archway of white stone and crystal, then a corridor of yet more crystal, all of it illuminated by a soft light that seemed to emanate from the very walls themselves, Conner didn't quite know what to expect the Fortress' kitchen to look like. But the Boy of Steel was sure that he hadn't expected what he found.

While the rest of the Fortress of Solitude (that he had seen) was all crystal and white stone, the kitchen was paneled in wood. The counter had been tiled in a rustic shade of yellow that was not at all flattering (to anything) and the floor had been covered in linoleum. Overall, it looked more like an old country house's kitchen rather than something you'd expect to find in a secluded ice fortress built by an alien superhero.

Conner sat in the only chair at the small wooden kitchen table and watched Superman pull a single mug and a tea bag form the cabinets. He filled the mug with water, placed the bag in it then heated it with his vision. He placed the hot mug in front of Conner who took it hesitantly.

"You're not having any?"

"There's just the one mug."

The boy raised an eyebrow at that and cocked his head to the side.

"I call this place the Fortress of Solitude for a reason." The Man of Steel elaborated.

"Would you prefer it if I left?"

This time he took longer to respond. Then finally, because Superman never lies, he said, "Yes."

Conner stood to leave. He had expected the answer before the words had even left his genetic-parent's lips, but they still stung. If the man didn't want him here, why invite him inside in the first place?

"Wait." A strong hand was placed on his shoulder. "You came here for a reason."

The boy sank back into his seat, once again avoiding looking at the Man of Steel. He spoke to his mug when he said, "Since you're being nice to me all of a sudden, I assume you heard about the exercise."

There was only one chair at the table and Conner was already sitting in it, so the Man of Steel could not sit with the boy to offer comfort. Instead he knelt to be on eye-level with his clone when he said, "It must have been horrible for you."

The man's eyes, crystal blue eyes so much like his own, looked deep and full of ghosts and Conner suddenly remembered that the man had been hero'ing for over a decade and had saved the world countless times over. He had probably seen comrades, friends and loved ones die for real, right before his eyes. The world was (more or less) at peace for the moment, but the Boy of Steel saw the weight of the world still weighed heavily on Superman's shoulders. It was an almost permanent burden, not just something to be taken-up in times of need and then shucked off when the peril had passed. It was a way of life for the Man of Steel. That was probably why he came here, to his Fortress of Solitude, to rest form the burden.

"Has Canary told you about her talking sessions with me?" The boy ventured.

"No." Superman confessed. "All I know is that the Team had been trapped in a psychic-web that caused you to watch each other die at the hands of an invading enemy and that you were all convinced it was real." A pause. "Batman also made a point of telling me that you could have fallen into a permanent coma."

Conner didn't know what he had expected. Canary had promised that the things they talked about remained between the two of them and never left the room. Doctor-patient confidentiality. He was grateful to be able to trust her with his darkest secret. But at the same time, it would have been nice to have someone else tell Superman his reason for seeking him out. The Boy of Steel found himself at a loss as to how to explain himself to his genetic-parent. A mediator would have been nice.

The silence dragged on between them. Finally, Conner decided that he might as well ask what he came here to ask and not prolong this crappy melodrama of theirs.

"Superman…" He ventured meekly. "When… when the weight of the world rests on your shoulders… what do you do?"

He didn't know his genetic-parent very well; he didn't know what kind of response to expect. But he did not expect the man to offer a reassuring smile and place comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Plant your feet and try not to shrug."

…

END

[mental-health-advice]

The intrusive thoughts has been more and more hard to deal with, recently. I feel urges associated with it, which makes me even more scared. I don't feel like myself anymore, I don't recognize myself. I feel like I don't feel happy or sad anymore. The self doubt and feeling of deny are the worst. I'm afraid of letting myself relax in case it would make everything true. And I'm too ashamed to talk about it even tho I know it would make things better... please help me.

Hello! Thank you so much for sending this in and waiting for it to be answered. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I really hope I can help.

Intrusive thoughts can be confusing and scary so I totally understand how you are feeling. I have experienced them before in the past, too, so some of this advice is what I did to help myself.

The first thing I did which relieved the fear was to tell someone. I know this may not feel like an option to you, but sharing how you experience these intrusive thoughts kind of opens it up to the world and helps you look at it from a new angle. I was lucky enough to be able to speak to my best friend and by doing so, getting rid of some of those feelings which came with intrusive thoughts. Another way to do this would be to write your thoughts down, whether in diary form or fictional. A good idea may be to use your intrusive thought as a starting point of a story and continue writing how the character may act on that intrusive thought instead of acting on it yourself.

Although speaking to someone, a friend or even a healthcare professional opens up doors for getting help, I understand it may not feel like an option at the minute for you or anyone else struggling. When you do feel as if you would like to speak to someone, I will link you to our getting help page.

MHA Getting Help

The urges that come with intrusive thoughts can often be difficult to battle against. Something which helped me is repeating the phrase ‘my intrusive thoughts do not control me’ over either out loud or in my head when I felt bad. You could even write this down or a similar phrase down to actively do something. Our blog also has a page of distractions and ways to calm anxiety and panic - I really believe that some of these ideas may help you pass the feelings in the moment in a positive way.

MHA Calming Anxiety and Panic

MHA Distractions

You are not alone. You are never alone and there are others who experience this too. How you feel is valid and you are worth recovery. Your intrusive thoughts are not you and they do not control you. You are strong and brave and can overcome this. I do believe that seeking help is a positive thing to do which will lead to medical resources we cannot provide you. Speaking to someone who is trained specifically on how to help you cope with these thoughts will help relieve some of that fear and worry and help you feel better about yourself and your emotions.

You are strong, beautiful and you control you.

Riley

[aptaracorp]

UNDERPINNING GUIDANCE  TO DEAL WITH  DYSLEXIA BY MEANS OF USING ABACUS

UNDERPINNING GUIDANCE  TO DEAL WITH  DYSLEXIA BY MEANS OF USING ABACUS Theory and background of specific learning difficulties Dyslexia is related to  problems in  functions like phoneme recognition,  visual cognition, attention span, and memory problems. Dyslexia, in comparison  with other learning disabilities, has a higher proportion of resourcefulness. The question remains as to how we can educate, correct, improve and reduce the  reading and rational problems of these students. One of the best therapeutic  approaches for dyslexia is the abacus form of learning. This form of deficit is traditionally associated with difficulties pertaining to language and literacy skills.  This perennial medical condition of the brain tends to limit or disrupt tasks such as  reading and writing, thereby making it all the more difficult and challenging for the  individual. Solving a basic math calculation could also seem exigent. Though the  condition is quite common, it does not deny the fact that for dyslexic child, the milestones would require extra efforts in order to match up to his/her peers. Inclusion of Abacus as a thinking machine Abacus  acts as a catalyst and creates a good grip to battle out the inabilities. It tackles the root of the problem by building upon physical coordination of the mind and the sensory process. Abacus is considered as one of the salient tools to enrich mental math abilities in  early learners. It is known to be one of the best ways to develop number sense.  Numbers are physically constructed and dealt with an interactive approach to train the mind for fundamentals on an entirely new level. For those unaware, this abacus math learning or manual calculation aid is one of the most remarkable innovations in the education industry that can steer great results by carrying out arithmetic operations at a faster and more efficient pace. This form of learning proves to be fruitful when induced as an important measure to combat dyslexia. The notation system serves as a powerful hook to attain progressive outcomes. Abacus can lend itself as the single biggest preventable cause of educational failure Through a model approach, abacus uses a set of steps to slowly and skillfully instill  finer processing speed. Dyslexic thinkers with consistent utilization of basic abacus learning could  excel in their conceptual, computation and spatial adroitness. It intertwines a  synergy between sight, sound and finger movements which increases the synaptic  connections. Thus, the learner makes use of the visual, auditory and sensory  impulses that recreate as a fantastic resource. Not only does it help them to learn  how to do math calculations, but it can also tweak their motor skills and memory,  giving them the opportunity to generally improve their learning and development. Generally, those with dyslexia do have that unerring ability to see how things connect to create complex systems as well as identifying similarities in numerous things. It is these perceived strengths that are significant when it comes to specific fields such as science and mathematics, in which visual representations are vital. Abacus as a remedial program acts as a relevant foundation to cement the neuronal structures and pathways to engage the learner through its scaffolding features. Enhancing the capacity and providing proper provision for children According to many renowned medical experts, the left half of the globe of the human brain, is alluded to as the computerized mind, which gives scientific data and controls composing, computation, consistent reasoning, and so on. Whereas, the right side of the brain, is alluded to as the simple cerebrum, that controls three- dimensional sense, innovativeness, and creative faculties. Science has demonstrated that ceaseless utilization of the abacus can build up the unused right-half of the cerebrum which adds to the entire mental health of people. Finger theory is considered the first step in learning how to use the physical abacus tool. Finger theory mimics an abacus and is more than just learning how to count using the ten fingers. With this system, children can learn how to solve complex calculations. Moreover, abacus has an uncomplicated usage and does not hold nebulous concepts. Once dyslexic children have mastered the use of both the abacus and finger theory, they can then move on to mental maths, which is often the most difficult stage. Nonetheless, visualizing the physical abacus in their mind will help them solve math calculations without any tools and help snowball confidence to overcome the condition.

Impact of Abacus Intervention

The main instructional principle while rendering abacus education is to provide an  extensive numerical comparison through a methodical exercise. This is done to  ensure precision and reliance on the number representation. It also welds a link  between verbal counting and number codes for calibration of quantity  representation. Largely, computer remediation is counteracted through adaptive  abacus training and phonemic distinction has shown to be highly successful with  dyslexia. Arriving at a primary level, these vulnerable learners could adopt the  abacus strategy that seems promising and pressing. The language of mathematics  often represents more than one meaning with the guidance of memory sequencing /  sequential skills implicated in dealing with the concepts and orientation to manage  simultaneous activities. Most people have seen an abacus and many of them might have actually played with one in primary school, but the use of mental math has somewhat clouded the fact of how influential an abacus can actually be. Nevertheless, in terms of math help for dyslexic kids, the abacus brain training tool, or abacus active learn primary  can produce more accurate and quicker results, thus improving their own self-belief. This would manifest itself as a steep learning curve and accommodate for the  disability of the student.

General pointers to help in numeracy This congenital condition of dyslexia does have deficit as a consequence, but on the  other hand, the “more basic” cognitive abilities prevalent with number-specific  innate capacities have a neuroanatomical locus. Abacus numerosity as a property  distinguishes ordinality (including knowing the sequence of number terms) and  measures (continuous quantum) in a more desirably easier recall format. In general,  dyslexic kids are known to have a higher intelligence quotient and seem to  showcase an emotional effect on their learning when they take up their daily abacus  lessons. These distinctions add a valuable contribution in processing the incoming  stimuli and learning style to cope with the situations. Although cognitive styles are a  fixed characteristic that is hard-wired into the system, abacus potentially  crystallizes the mode of thinking as you age. Developmental Continuum It is facile to assume that children with dyslexia overestimate math, but this is not  always the case. The fact that the brilliant scientist Albert Einstein had dyslexia often gives people the impression that all those with the learning difficulty find math easy. Setting apart from this context, the correct and proper usage and understanding of abacus would raise the level of proficiency and overall knowledge. Abacus learners coordinate the two hemispheres to unravel problems. The action of  the right hand helps in developing the logical thinking and language function of the left hemisphere and the action of the left hand in developing creative, imaginary and perspective holographic skills of the right brain. Since the right and left hemisphere  transmit messages to each other, the function of the whole brain is said to be developed  with this system. This operational momentum effect describes a cognitive unbiased  syndrome by which psychophysical characteristics emerge to create a  mental magnitude representation. These parameters of numerical estimation accuracy edifies a cross-notational solution with superior proficiency in academic strength and overall functioning. Besides, it should be borne in mind that abacus is  not about flashy gimmicks that could distract the learner. This notion can be  negated by stating that the acquisition of information as part of the learning  approach with retention and storage for further recall binds a better association with the memory. Early indicators of dyslexia such as poor phonological skills can  be supported positively, accurately and fluently by converting your mind into a  ready reckoner device. They can also learn how to organize their thinking and their written work so that longer computations don’t become half-day marathon of tears and frustration. Broadly in agreement over the fact that abacus has now invaded every corner of the globe, the control underlies in it’s fluid strategies of imparting  learning that can be applied in our day to day activities. Although dyslexic children  have personality differences, the success in tasks utilizing this technique of teaching, predisposes people to eradicate the real inherent dangers associated with the  impairment. Abacus can act as a right instrument to form a base of additional  educational settings for sequencing and directional problems. The validity of this teaching tool can be demonstrated by using the physical apparatus, finger and mental theory to help make the process appear easier for those with dyslexia. This gives a double certainty that is necessary to quell any obstacle hindering down the pace of the child’s math learning process. One of the hallmark signs of dyslexia is a perplexing struggle to decipher numbers, facts and procedures. What must be mentioned here though is that not all dyslexic children who experience difficulty fall behind the curve. Fortunately, the math help for dyslexic kids comes in the form of abacus education. This learning accompanies rote memorization and has now become instrumental to treat this dysfunction. It gives them a substantial opportunity to stir internal growth and enhance self-acceptance. Those with developmental reading disorder may find a problem with multiple steps to be overwhelming and struggle to follow a set of instructions, but an over simplistic abacus training can bring about pragmatic and efficacious differences. The formula can be labelled as ‘verbalisers or imagers’, ‘left or right brained’ and exclusively taught in ways that match to familiarize the content and the context. Regular practice along with fun learning and a motivating medium with diverse repetition of problem solving procedures, is required to help the child. Subsequently, it is quite crystal clear that abacus is more than just a tool for mathematical calculations, rather, it can be seen as a device that boosts memory, helps with motor skills, visual issues and much more, depending on how it is used and the purpose that it serves. A resource like abacus can contribute in countless ways to the students’ difficulties  as it examines the theoretical base to understand and adopt a blueprint by tapping  into their highly embryonic brains to gear them up with a regular math  curriculum. The main goal of abacus is to attempt to meet the aim of the scholastic expertise and unacademic needs. A coherent approach towards dyslexics can stir up  real understanding that can have a sanguine effect on the working memory. The use of a mnemonic device, the numberaid, may prove quite useful for learning-disabled children to improve their recall of specific subject matter. Our approach towards these children as far as possible should be very constructive, pleasant as well as encouraging so that the children with learning disabilities may learn the proper way of rectifying their inbuilt behaviour and thus gain the self confidence to overcome all  the obstacles which prevent their progress and developments in educational and  social spheres.

Framework of multi-sensory teaching Abacus involves a multisensory approach to exercise a dyslexic student’s weak areas such as auditory processing whilst utilizing their strengths in visual  processing and kinaesthetics. It adds to the benefit of heightening the number bonds  and the vocabulary of mathematics. A key criteria to note in this direction is to widen the scope and horizon in an advantageous aspect such that this unique  learning modulus initiates a propitious reinforcement of progress. This may prove quite useful to subdue learning deficits and problems related to various academic areas. Auditory, visual and kinaesthetic learners can derive portable strategies and allow mastery by purely learning the abacus method. Characterized by inferior arithmetic performance, dyslexic children require successful instruction and intervention of this form of math learning to exert a profound impact at the  individual level. Through an immaculate training fidelity, combined with systematic  and standardized abacus coaching, the wider nuances can be rectified. Some of these  methods can be varied to work equally whilst the rest could tantamount to be a  convivial mechanism. An overarching problem for dyslexic kids is to process a math problem quickly enough. This then has the effect that as he or she becomes aware of the length of time being taken, he/she might try to speed up and arrive at results. Through hands-on practice by a set of instructions, kids can work around calculation techniques and reasoning abilities for a comprehensive upgradation. Considering the nature and goal of the problem, the effective use of this frame of method would bring about the permanency of quick and correct retrieval of phoneme recognition information. This would also help correct the struggles and complexities associated with multisyllabic word activities. Abacus can be seen as a way to express the underlying creativity, strong visualization and problem solving skills through it’s tailored techniques. This empowers the kid to procure focus, precision, speed, advancement, inventiveness and assimilate a photographic memory. Generally, through the education in abacus, an interest starts to generate for other subjects in the curriculum and broadens in lifting certain critical thinking limits. Those suffering from dyslexia can handle abacus as a source of encouragement in perusing, spelling, and composing. Hence, the utilization of this tool is an unquestionable requirement for such students.

Protective influences for better resultants Abacus adds a “new twist” to learning by being an ancestor of the modern calculating machine and this cool school tool with a lot of tradition is a best fit to fine-tune dyslexia. This kind of inclusive education must be inculcated to articulate their concerns for independent living skills. Additionally, this facilitates the acquisition of integrated knowledge and adopts an effective delivery by restructuring in a constructive form. The abacus framework nurtures all aspects of the developing personality to give equal importance and value on visuospatial and visuomotor aspects. The abacus mental calculation attempts to dissociate temporally - the neural process to interpret the coping skills. Unit rods designate as an external support for providing inputs causing transformation of the numbers. After the onset of the stimuli, the parietal lobule and the frontal gyri gets involved. Most prominently, the activated brain areas holding up the bilateral superior lobules initiates an upward movement in the processing vulcanization structure  present within the supramodal brain network. This helps in bridging the gap  between the different sections of the impaired barriers in dyslexic children. Abacus,  through it’s tactile methodology and specialized proficiency can cause a phenomenal  display of results through it’s impressive feats. By accommodating the dyslexics  with these brain activities for kids, there is a right sense of direction tracing the brain functioning of the  kid for betterment. This optimized multisensory learning device takes into account  the preferences and capabilities of each kid to optimize maximum potential. Abacus  supports the universally underdeveloped areas of the student such as the executive  function of self-initiating, self-activating, and self-sustaining working memory. Math  instruction with a high success rate through abacus activates the parietal and  temporal zones through which interconnected codes merge to encode and decode  refined execution methods. This calculating device, with supportive overarching  concepts enables in amplifying the brain muscles making it easier to learn any  subject regardless of which hemisphere of the brain is responsible for this function.  Thus, diving into abacus mental math for kids who lack quality mental formation  can experience a sharp increase in their intellectual index. The overview is to state  that there is a rapid, balanced brain development to achieve mental prowess. The  key takeaway is to equate this tool as a compatible form of education and sow in a  valuable life skill that provides consistency through their rewarding efforts all along  the way for dyslexic kids. Abacus can be an ideal goal-setter for building a base for  numeracy. With its bright beads and sturdy wooden frame, abacus becomes a dyslexic-essential assistance tool. This outreach support for students with special  educational needs could shape the individual’s profile and fulfill their requisites.  Dyslexics majorly have trouble with numbers and this modern day teaching tool  brings about impulse control and executive function skills in place. Brain health can have powerful solutions and triumph centred effects when the dynamic connection  between the chronic brain and neurological sensory stimuli is aided by a mounting  evidence by the abacus education. The brain waves and influencer behaviour can be altered in an unaroused brain. The patterns of our mind go through neuroplastic change and gently restore the additional diagnosis of dyslexia. Abacus has a fine balance between simple and easy to digest knowledge which sets a deeper form of  reassurance.  

Main mapping skill with coping strategies Abacus is a real time answer to expand domain knowledge whose main forte is to  convert dyslexic children’s disabilities into a math friendly one. This toolkit consists  of an activity-led math program that sparks support within the kids. An appropriate  provision like abacus can enhance the overall well-being and spatial capacity  through right identification and assessment. The possible strengths of being a  lateral/visual thinker can be harnessed with desired attainment levels by inducing  abacus mode of teaching. By the nature of their difficulties, children and young  people with dyslexia often strongly prefer one mode of learning and can become  single channelled. A challenge for some children and young people with dyslexia, is  organizational skills. For these children and young people, specific strategies to  support their organizational skills will need to be taught and developed. Crib sheets  and visual prompts and timetables have been found to be most effective with regard  to the organization of a child and young person’s belongings. Mind mapping, story  frames and other visual cues can be beneficial to support the organizing of written  work. Abacus training for kids can be the vital transition point with intervention provision mapping  through segmentation offering great utility paired exclusively to benefit dyslexics. This early apparatus creates a ‘dyslexia friendly’ environment for optimum learning  conditions and also improves accessibility to learning for all and therefore promotes  inclusion. Abacus exposes the child to a structured language instruction through the  use of sight, sound and touch. It introduces them to an assistive world at an  expected level and “abacus analysis” gives a realistic sense of streamlining in a good  space and direction. To summarize, an expert evaluator like Abacus facilitates  learning and receiving phonemic awareness to unlock decoding struggles on grade  level with new learning possibilities. This instructional aid alleviates response mode  cues for special learners by avoiding unnecessary tardiness and helps them stay on  par with a task. It advocates mathematical operations and also supplements and  complements holistic developmental traits with approving outputs. Abacus  assistance can be a great turning point to extract learning differences and  continually reach for more, regardless of the challenges thrown their way.

[jorjathomas]

Health for Teens - What is Self Help?

Although we are very familiar the words in the title, do we really utilise them well? Do we actually use certain activates or mechanisms that could help us? Do we brush off these matters because they aren't as severe as others although they are impactful? I had many questions around this topic which is why I have decided to research specifically about teens health mainly mentally. I wanted to look into mental health specifically; how this develops, what people do to ease these situations or what distractions are common amongst for teenagers that actually worsen their health. Firstly I wanted to see what Googles’ true definition of self help meant. Google quoted “the use of one's own efforts and resources to achieve things without relying on others.” 

Despite me agreeing with this statement, yes majority of these battles need to be overcome by yourself but a great deal of help can come from others so sometimes you might need to rely on them slightly while you are vulnerable. I think this topic is very hard to narrow down into a sentence however I hope to achieve guidance with this in the zine when combining journalism and visual art together so a person could understand a resonate with me better than a definition of Google. As my target audience is suited for teenagers (ranged between 17 to early 20s), it was important I researched what sort of percentage have mental health problems etc. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past have experienced a common mental health problem so I believe this isn't a taboo subject to cover. I want to normalise this topic and evolve it overtime as I think this wasn't as spoken about in the past.

Firstly, what causes mental illness? I don't think there is a specific known source for mental illness but I believe environmental, social and psychological factors (and now technological) play a big role in someone's mental stability. Below are some brief examples what could trigger a mental health problem.

Environmental: childhood abuse, trauma, neglect, domestic violence, bullying, poorer areas, minorities.

Social: social disadvantage, poverty, social isolation, debt, loneliness.

Psychological:  physical causes, severe or long-term stress, genetics.

Technological: cyberbullying, comparison, media validation (likes and comments etc) loneliness online.

A lot of teenagers use unhealthy coping mechanisms to overcome these struggles and temporarily distract them from the issues surrounding them. Although this helps quickly, these habits often develop into an addition overtime. Examples of this is; drugs, alcohol, phone usage, self harming behaviours, excessive thinking and isolation.

A quote from beyondtheblues.co.uk (2019) “Back then, I wasn’t ready to face my pain. All I wanted to do was bury it. I indulged in excessive partying, binge-drinking, recreational drug-dabbling … you know, just living my best life. I didn’t care if my coping mechanisms were unhealthy because hey, at least I wasn’t depressed, right? At least I was still alive. I mean, wasn’t that the point?”

I think having a good balance of information will help these addictions not overcome someone's life. For example; I am aiming to be helpful for teens stepping into adulthood and putting yourself first in life. Adulthood has this perception of drinking and going all the time but, I want to show that this doesn't have to be the case and forming these addictions to socialise doesn't need to happen. I'm not exactly sure of the my content yet regarding what to add onto my pages however, I do what a healthy balance in showing self care and social life hacks which drinking and other coping mechanisms is associated with.

I believe that these substances that are considered as an ‘illness’ are developed over time and the figure above proves that they are within us prematurely or less severe at a early age. As we grow, we match our home environment and social environment and this is where I think they worsen. For example; When I was growing up, my family and I never discussed these sort of mental issues, especially my dad. I entered secondary school when technology was advancing significantly and when I was half way through school, social media was massive. I think being placed in a environment where most teens are rendered versions of their parents as well as social media, cyber bullies are very present, this is what has caused the increase in mental health issues and I have caught a mild handful of them. In order to tackle these issues, we need to educate peoples initial views and allow them to open up. This may cause a connected and kinder society.

“In the UK in 2018, there were 6,507 deaths by suicide (a rate of 11.2 deaths per 100,000 people). Rates vary across the UK, with the highest rate in 2018 observed in Northern Ireland (18.6 deaths per 100,000), followed by Scotland (16.1 deaths per 100,000 people), then Wales (12.8 deaths per 100,000 people) and England (10.3 deaths per 100,000 people).Overall, men accounted for three-quarters of UK deaths by suicide in 2018.” 

This figure by https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk was recorded prior the global pandemic so I am assuming they have increase significantly due to people being isolated which worries me. Spending a significant amount of time indoors and around members which you may not have done as often as before has brought  more mental illnesses within teenagers. Whether that's anxiety about the Covid or depression from being in a national lockdown, it is very worrying to see. I will cover social media and its effects on teens in a separate post as I think it is one of the biggest polluters in society at the moment. 

“ Another survey, released by Parents Together, found that the majority of kids surveyed (70%) reported feeling sad, overwhelmed and worried. Nearly half the parents (44%) are saying that their kids are struggling with mental wellness since the pandemic started.“ 

I knew mental illness is very common yet I was still socked to see these figures especially knowing they have grown. Its beneficial for me to know this when covering mental health content in my zine. As my zine will be focused around self care, having this knowledge will help and encourage me to include important information that could potentially help my target audience. The next post is some artist that I admired that convey particular mental illnesses within their artwork. 

[genelmag]

Understanding and Caring for Our Gamer Friends Living With Depression

It’s never an easy thing to watch the people you love in pain. And too often, we don’t even realize they are in any type of pain. There are different types of depression and different people display and handle their unique symptoms different. And when the whole world is practicing social-distancing and to self-quarantine to protect themselves and others from contracting Covid-19, things can get real pretty quickly for people who are new to experiencing depression.

Understanding Depression

There is a huge difference between sadness and depression. Often times, sadness can become intense and morph into feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. Better Help says having five or more of the following symptoms for at least two weeks is a sign of depression:

Feeling tired or lacking energy most days

Feeling sadness or grief most of the day, especially in the morning

Difficulty focusing, remembering details or making decisions

Feeling guilty or unworthy almost daily

Inability to sleep or sleeping too much most days

Feeling restless or slowed down

Persistent thoughts about death or suicide

Lack of desire to participate in activities that you used to enjoy

Frequent headaches or body aches and pain with no apparent cause

Depression can make working a normal 9 to 5 job incredibly challenging. And not being able to provide for yourself financially can add to the existing pain of depression—the feeling of worthlessness and helplessness and wondering “WTF is wrong with me. Why can’t I just be normal?” Add to it the stress of losing your job in the midst of a global pandemic and depression can be beyond the nightmarish plane it already exists in.

Types of Depression

There is no one cause for depression. In fact, there can be multiple variables contributing to depression. People can also have more than one type of depression, though symptoms of one type may be more pronounced than the other.

So, just what is depression? Depression is a medically diagnosed mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of a depressed mood or sadness and the often profound loss of interest in things that usually bring you pleasure. Depression is diagnosed based on its symptoms.

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Also known as Clinical Depression—it’s the most common form of depression and is characterized by a persistent, depressed mood, loss of interest in activities.

Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD)

Formerly referred to as Dysthymia, PDD is a long-term, but mild form of depression characterized by poor concentration, loss of interest in normal activities, prone to anger, and low moods for at least two years. It’s often accompanied by at least two other forms of depression.

Bipolar Disorder

Formerly referred to as Manic Depression—Bipolar Disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings: emotional highs characterized by high energy and lows, characterized by the depressive state. There are four types of Bipolar Disorder: bipolar I disorder, bipolar II disorder, cyclothymic disorder, and bipolar disorder due to another medical or substance abuse disorder

Postpartum Depression (PPD)

Postpartum Depression effects 1 in 7 mothers after giving birth. After giving birth, mothers may experience a drop in progesterone and estrogen, causing extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion and can result in an inability to connect with their baby.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

The dark, cold, limited-sun months of winter can have a very bleak effect on people—some moreso than others. Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is characterized by changes in mood during seasonal changes. SAD is more prevalent during the Autumn and Winter months. Medical specialists believe SAD “the body's natural schedule/rhythm or changes in the function of chemical messengers in the body, such as serotonin and melatonin. Also believed to be a factor is the lack of exposure to sunlight, reducing the body’s synthesis of Vitamin D.

Atypical Depression

Symptoms of Atypical Depression can vary from person to person. Despite having the name “atypical”, Atypical Depression is actually quite common. The Mayo Clinic identifies the key signs of Atypical Depression as:

Depression that temporarily lifts in response to good news or positive events

Increased appetite or weight gain

Sleeping too much but still feeling sleepy in the daytime

Heavy, leaden feeling in your arms or legs that lasts an hour or more in a day

Sensitivity to rejection or criticism, which affects your relationships, social life or job

I am not a medical professional and these explanations of the various types of depression are mere summaries. If you believe you or someone you care about has symptoms of depression, there are professionals who can help. With everything going on, many mental healthcare professionals are turning to tele-counseling or tele-healthcare to continue helping patients and people in need.

Combating Depression

Living with depression isn’t easy. Some people have learned to manage their depression with medication and some have learned to manage depression without it. Every day is an uphill battle and there is no cure for it. The best many of us can hope to do is learn to manage it and live with it.

So, how can you help care for someone with depression?

It all depends on that person and the type of depression they have. The most important thing you can do for someone with depression, however, is listen to them without trying to fix them or analyze them. Whether they tell you directly what they need,

“I just want want to sleep/be alone”

or indirectly

“I just feel so alone.” While some people really do need to be left alone to go through it, you still want to keep checking in on them. The most important question you can ask your friend or loved one is, “What can I do to help you?” Sometimes, people need a distraction and playing video games is an excellent distraction to help people escape negative feelings.

Do NOT attempt to use “tough-love” tactics here. Not everyone responds well to “tough-love” and someone with depression may take that as further validation of their perceived worthlessness. In fact, here are several things you do not want to say someone fighting through a depressive episode:

Snap out of it.

You don’t have anything to be depressed about.

You need to ‘man-up’.

Be grateful for what you have.

You’re not depressed/You don’t look depressed.

Everybody has problems. You’re not special.

You’re being dramatic.

You just need a (alcoholic) drink (this is actually very bad because alcohol is a depressant and can increase feelings of depression).

Instead, you want to reassure that person that they are valued, and loved. With most people being quarantined and unable to visit their loved ones, sending a thoughtful text, putting together a care package, make them a dope playlist, or watch a movie together, virtually. Don’t get upset with them if they cancel plans or decline plans. Depression is absolutely energy-draining. If you are social-distancing with them or near them, offer to cook for them and/or do some chores.

And if you suspect they are having thoughts of suicide, let them know that they are not weak for having depression. Offer to help them get professional help. Let them know that you want them in your life.

If you are living with depression, how do you cope/manage? How do you care for your loved ones living with depression?

[felicity-jai-avtar]

I feel that it has taken me years to start this blog. Always writing pages and pages in journals, but rarely sharing those personal reflections and poetry with the wider world. In fact, I have an internal dialogue about 'where my motivation to blog comes from'. I ask myself if I am trying to be validated by the outside world, to fill some space within me with praise and positive reinforcement from others. Or is the holding back for fear? Fear of being rejected? Fear of being accepted? I ask myself a lot of questions.

And since I am opening up here, this internal, questioning dialogue has gone on since childhood and goes deep into the heart of my own healing journey. A need to feel enough, a need to feel like I matter, and that I have something to contribute to the world. Because, no matter how much the outside world told me I was beautiful/ loved/ clever / [insert every imaginable adjective here], a space within me still existed, desperate to be filled. I was like a seed of doubt sown into the very core of my being.

Today, when these insecurities arise strongly in me I have come to notice my attachments to food. I reach unconsciously towards sweets and treats to fill the void.  In the past, alcohol and recreational substances served a critical function in distracting me with temporary feelings of celebration and euphoria. Filling that wanting space, only to come crashing back into its polarity, which for me, was the experience of many years of drug induced depression. For what goes up, must come down, and the higher the high, so often, the lower the fall.

Life though, has continued to provide opportunities and teachers to facilitate my learning. My experiences with substance use, with depression, with my internal critic, have all served me well, and I have no regrets. These past choices are my flow of experiences that have motivated me to ask more questions of myself, to explore more deeply my need to feel enough, and to discover how to be deeply satisfied and secure in my experience of myself.

We all, to varying degrees, manage and cope with our insecurities. We all have feelings of ‘not being enough’. Our system encourages us to measure ourselves on an external marking scale, of bell curves, rankings and grades. And yes these provide helpful organizational and motivational benefits to society, but these hierarchy of ratings also infiltrate our friendships and our most intimate relationships. They infiltrate our core relationship we have with our self.

Comparison reinforces how we see ourselves and our place in the world. The outside world tells us whether we have 'made the grade', 'made the team', if we have 'done enough to achieve the next goal'. It really is no wonder that so many of us question our self worth. The judgement and comparison is insidious within our systems at home, school and work environments. We constantly ask ourselves to measure up with the outside world.

If we keep seeking our self worth and sense of self from the outside world, we keep ourselves in a perpetual ranking system. Where there is always someone better and worse to compare ourselves with and the question of 'am I enough?' is never satisfied.

The answers to our deep questions of value and worth, are within us. It is through an understanding and acceptance of the self that we begin to develop authentic loving feelings towards ourselves. The inner exploration sheds the comparisons and the judgments. Because inside me there is only me. And who am I? I am skin and bones, organs and muscle, yes I am my physical body. Tick. I am also my mind, my thoughts and feelings, interacting with my physical form, dancing between past, present and future.

For many years my understanding of self was limited to an awareness of my physical body and my mind. That was it, right? On my darker days, battles would rage, my monkey mind - my inner critic - overwhelming me with judgements and comparisons. Pressing me down into the earth, heavy with thought. I would hide myself in a dark cave, both literally and figuratively.

A flashlight point for me, was when I picked up a book about depression and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). I picked up some valuable tools which I would practice time and time again to catch my dark thoughts and remind myself with affirmations and positive activity that my thoughts were not completely true. This healing road was slow, and I often had the feeling of repeating my lessons again and again, but gradually I learned more about the nature of my own mind. I also saw the links between my mental health and my drug use, so step by step, my choices became more healthy.

My most significant transformations though, have come through my practice of meditation, and yoga (particularly Iyengar Yoga and Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan). Throughout my late twenties and early thirties, I have given myself more time, space and a wider variety of tools to delve further into the 'who am I?' question, and my understanding of myself has deepened. My understanding has blossomed like the lotus flower, unfolding with discoveries, petal by petal, rising up from the dark muddy waters, towards the light. [One of my favourite poets]

Through meditation I have come to realise that I am body and I am mind. I am also breath, I am spirit, I am made of an energy system that is multilayered, and that the very essence of me is unlimited. It is the same boundless 'energy' that exists in all creation.

Eastern philosophies, a myriad of traditional peoples, branches of physics, esoteric studies all describe the same 'oneness' with different words. Throughout our human existence, people have studied this. Countless people have devoted their time and focus to develop their awareness of their spiritual nature. And there are many different techniques and tools available for the inner discovery of the self. So do these many paths lead to the same mountain top?

While I continue on my journey of self discovery. I reflect often on the following Yogi Bhajan quote. I feel these words deeply and powerfully.

I have no body. I have no mind. I have no spirit. I am just the breath of God. The breath of Life. Breath of life. Breath of God.

In this context God is not an individual or an idol. God is all creation. It is the vibratory force that exists around us and within us. The Generating, Organizing and Destroying energies of existence.

As my sensitivity and my awareness have developed, I am even more curious. I am more curious but also more secure in myself. My experience of my unlimited self cannot ever be forgotten. And while I may sometimes 'forget' to eat well, get enough sleep, or do my daily practice. I have accessed the wellspring of my deep spiritual self and this reservoir is always available to me.

When the questions of 'am I enough?' arise, I place my hands on my heart and my lower abdomen and I breath here. Here, I experience my true self that is beyond my mind and the inner critic. I invite my mind to exist here with me, with my breath, with my body, with my essence. And in this union, all questions of self worth dissolve. I experience all of the layers of myself. I experience my infinity. I experience Sat Nam.

[paulbenedictblog]

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With no last day of school, kids will need help with closure — here's what experts say parents should do

Erinne Magee is a creator and mom of two primarily based mostly in Maine who has been jumpy about easy solutions to support her formative years address the school year getting decrease short.

Completion of a college year signifies accomplishment — and a host of this year's students will fail to word that win.

To support, talk along with your formative years about what they're experiencing, validate their disappointment, and beget them feel safe and understood.

Although or no longer it's crucial to swap an end-of-year ritual, preserve some form of celebration to support disclose your formative years easy solutions to accept what can't be managed.

Consult with Industry Insider's homepage for more studies.

After I first met my daughter's three fifth-grade lecturers at delivery condo final plunge, I was impressed by how passionate they win been personally, but basically linked as a team. I didn't are searching to rave too noteworthy to Lexi on chronicle of tweens every so incessantly don't are searching to love what their fogeys love. So, I kept it cold. Soon, despite the proven truth that, I heard all about the terrific trio of lecturers.

And now, the year has been decrease short.

Erinne Magee.

Courtesy of Erinne Magee

In Maine, love a host of the nation, the remainder of the school year will be conducted remotely. I felt an broad disappointment with this news, questioning how Lexi and her associates can good delivery center college with out a transition.

I know this sentiment is echoed amongst fogeys, no topic grade.

So I asked for reduction navigating this next phase of uncharted territory.

"Helping formative years and students map some form of closure is paramount it's miles no longer well-known what age or grade," acknowledged Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, a relationship counselor in Dallas. "Completion of a college year signifies accomplishment, maturing and a non-public sense of satisfaction as every child has earned the flexibility to growth to the next grade."

Jamie M. Howard, PhD, a senior scientific psychologist on the Baby Mind Institute in Unique York suggested drawing come the discipline in phases by taking cues out of your child, noting they are going to feel elegant now, however strive against with coping when June comes spherical.

Dana Dorfman, PhD, a psychotherapist in Unique York, reminded fogeys no longer to diminish whatever feelings your child could maybe win by attempting to cheer them up. "With a view to offset the negative feelings, adults could possibly maybe be tempted to concentrate on the upsides of the pandemic fallout and advise the inherent sense of loss associated with it." Asserting one thing love, "You win been getting bored to death in class anyway — now you build no longer must high-tail there on a regular basis" could possibly maybe appear helpful, Dr. Dorfman continued, however averting and denying the frustration makes these feelings more intractable and more vital to resolve. Validation of feelings is a conventional blueprint in helping with emotional regulation and a number of research within the previous decade win proven its efficacy.

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Now could possibly maybe be a proper time to rethink your family's every day schedule — and a broad portion of this restructure must come out of your child.

Inquire of her what she misses the most about being in college or a spring sport that was canceled. Gain a manner to incorporate what's missing into your routine. To illustrate, for formative years occupied with a play who're forgoing an end-of-year manufacturing, find a manner to work theater into their day-to-day schedule. 

While nothing can change face-to-face interaction, staying merely about linked has on no chronicle been more straightforward. On the total, our family had strict rules about display time, however since end-at-residence orders win been in sigh, we serve Zoom and FaceTime as noteworthy as that it's good to possibly maybe imagine. In a behold that appears to be like on the psychological impression of quarantine, rising social interaction, although behind a display, helps in easing lengthy time period apprehension and injure. If your kid's class is having an end-of-year digital celebration, as an illustration, a pair of associates could possibly maybe reduction one one more capture their outfits thru video calling.

We chose reflection as a technique to handbook my daughter against closure.

We talked about her popular memories and win plans to create a photo collage of kinds. Taking this a step further, households can collaborate to build collectively a yearbook for the class, digital or in another case.

"Discuss along with your child or student to permit them to know that their growth and laborious work has no longer gone no longer authorized," acknowledged Dr. Mills. "Even though they are in unheard of instances, their education and private trend matters." Dr. Mills suggests giving state praise. To illustrate: "Your skill to learn your spelling words, particularly whereas quarantined has no longer gone no longer authorized. Here's no longer a easy assignment whenever you concentrate on all of the distractions you can win had at residence."

As my quarantined mom brain was furthermore brainstorming the transition, I puzzled if elementary college formative years could possibly maybe write letters or beget a video for the scholars who will be going in their grade next college year, explaining what to count on, as an illustration, in fifth grade. I know my daughter and her classmates win been already a puny bit apprehensive about what center college will be love. If lecturers can coordinate this into their end-of-year curriculum, it'd be helpful at all grade phases.

On the equivalent time, lecturers are battling letting high-tail of students as effectively.

Younger formative years can ship playing cards or preserve turns reading this bid guide to their lecturers over Zoom.

If your family does one thing to impress the end of a college year, preserve the custom entering into some manner, whether that is an ice cream accumulate collectively, picnic, or taking that "final day of school" photo.

The high colleges in our metropolis are soundless planning to reschedule commencement for August. As small print unfold over the next a number of weeks about how districts across the nation will address all these celebrations.

"If colleges win effectively-established rite-of-passage rituals, it's handiest honest and supportive to every formative years and the community to acknowledge the impression of missing them this year," acknowledged Meghan Fitzgerald, outdated elementary teacher and main and cofounder of Tinkergarten. Even whereas you occur to swap the ritual, the celebration will give closure whereas instructing the lifestyles lesson of accepting what can't be managed.

Fitzgerald acknowledged that after she was instructing, her heart would rupture every June as she acknowledged goodbye to her students handiest to find they barely identified her in September on chronicle of they win been already tuning in to what was in front of them. Kids are resilient and the sting we feel for them is natural, however let's endure in tips how speedily they accumulate higher and lunge on.

While this is no longer how formative years had hoped their year would end, acknowledged Stephanie Flores-Koulish, PhD, an partner professor of curriculum and instruction for social justice at Loyola University Maryland. Folks and educators must know that whereas every little thing appears to be like to be weighing on formative years, our like them is their fixed proper now. It is their steadying power. "We desire our young folks to witness serve on this time when we wore pajamas except two within the afternoon and mediate, 'I felt safe,' 'I felt understood,' and 'I felt cared for.'"

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 138, January 2019

Developing any new routine or habit takes a considerable amount of time and patience. It doesn’t matter whether you have a mental illness and a disability or not, it’s just simply not going to instantly happen. And this is the logic I have to follow when it comes to building a new routine for myself when it comes to household cleaning tasks and cooking meals at home.

There’s a lot of preparation involved with both of these things plus finding the effort and motivation to physically complete them. But fortunately my occupational therapist Ambika has put together a rough daily schedule to put aside time to do just that. Plus I’ve also got my parents for support when it comes to which cleaning products I need to use and what ingredients I need to buy. So it’s not as daunting as it seems on the surface.

On Monday afternoon, I had an appointment with my occupational therapist Ambika from Everyday Independence. Today I had my first cooking trial and I decided to make Spaghetti Bolognese as it was one of the simplest recipes I could think of at the time. It felt like I was on a cooking segment without the producers, drama and television cameras. Luckily I had all my ingredients stocked and recipe printed out and ready to go. https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/spaghetti-bolognese/335cceba-3913-4172-8a28-44ad7a960ef4

It was helpful to have Mum in the kitchen with me as she was a good assistant and provided some wise safety tips as I was going along like: always lifting the saucepan lid away from you when it’s on the heat and using separate bowls for cut vegetables and any scraps. I think the most difficult part for me is making it a habit to cook once a week and motivating myself to actually do it. But otherwise cooking isn’t too hard for me really. https://www.reluctantgourmet.com/basics/

On Monday night, I had my first small group HIIT class of 2019 with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. Like anything you’ve taken a break from, it’s often a struggle getting back into the swing of things but tonight there was nothing stopping this crew. It was a full house tonight and we managed to power through many reps including kettle bell squats, mountain climbers, renegade push ups, overhead presses, star jumps, bicep curls, med ball slams and V-ups.

We finished up by doing a short circuit which included Russian twists, weighted lunges and lifts, battle ropes, kettle bell swings, tricep dips, TRX rows and bicep curls and mountain climbers on synthetic grass. It was a challenging class as always (my form wasn’t the best and my legs were shaking by the end of it) but we all had a lot of fun supporting each other and getting through it together.

On Tuesday afternoon, I had a follow up appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. Ricardo Peralta at Vita Healthcare in Mount Eliza. After receiving the following text message from OPTIMIND last week (Dr. Ricardo Peralta will no longer be consulting at OPTIMIND), I started to worry about whether I’d need to seek out another psychiatrist. But fortunately the reception staff at Vita Healthcare reached out to me a few days ago and informed me that Dr. Ricardo has moved clinics and that my appointment for today was still valid. http://www.vitahealthcare.com.au/psychiatry.html

Mount Eliza is a beautiful coastal town located on the Mornington Peninsula, about 5 minutes drive from Frankston. It’s a relief to know that Dr. Ricardo hasn’t moved too far away from Patterson Lakes and it only takes me about 35-40 minutes to drive to Mount Eliza from home. It’s not very often that I drive down there and it’s always nice to explore a different area once in a while. https://www.travelvictoria.com.au/mounteliza/

Getting to the clinic on time was a stressful endeavour as I ended up cutting through the back streets of Frankston and then had to navigate unfamiliar territory in the heart of Mount Eliza. But I made it there and that’s the main thing. When I arrived, I noticed that both receptionists were super busy taking phone calls but eventually I got their attention. The waiting room was very comfortable with the walls lined with plush two-seater sofas.

I usually get really anxious leading up to the appointment itself but once I’m in that consultation room, I immediately feel more at ease. Today was probably the most relaxed I’ve ever been with Dr. Ricardo, discussing things like increasing my antidepressant medication from 10mg to 15 or 20mg (Escitalopram / Lexapro) and my stress/emotional triggers at work, the times when I get the most overwhelmed and anxious while working in a busy retail environment and still waking up around 3-4am most nights. 

It also helped that he met me halfway, literally sitting across from me in one of the armchairs. This is certainly a noticeable difference compared to most doctors who would refuse to sit in anything but an office chair behind a desk. That image of authority; I’m the doctor and you’re the patient. And his mannerisms showed that he had a down to earth, human side to him rather than the cold and clinical stereotypes often associated with psychiatrists.

It’s amazing to think that in just a few months I’ve begun to really trust and open up to Dr. Ricardo and I feel thankful that he ended up being my psychiatrist. He is very reasonable, understanding and compassionate to my needs. And he was more than happy to increase the dosage of my medication, especially in order to cope and better manage my symptoms of depression, anxiety, stress and insomnia. 10mg just isn’t quite cutting it.

On Wednesday morning, I made the mistake of increasing my antidepressant medication way too quickly. Within an hour, I was already experiencing some strong side effects such as feeling flustered and feverish in the face, light headedness and blurred vision. Luckily Mum and I were nearby First Health Medical Centre at Casey Central Shopping Centre so I could get checked out.

The receptionist was quick to put me onto the first available doctor who was Dr. David Tai Kie. I only had to wait around 5 minutes or so before he saw me. After explaining that my psychiatrist recommended the dosage increase after starting the 10mg for around 1-2 months, I wasn't prepared for all the side effects jumping straight to 20mg. Dr. Tai Kie recommended that I alternate the doses between 10mg and 20mg over the next week to allow my body to adjust to it. https://www.healthline.com/health/escitalopram-oral-tablet

The receptionist was also very helpful when it came to getting my medical records transferred from Narregate Medical Centre to First Health, as well as informing me what hours Dr. Tai Kie works should I want to see him again. Considering how average I was feeling through all of this, I couldn't have been happier with the level of service I received especially from my first visit. Highly recommend this clinic and Dr. David Tai Kie. https://www.firsthealth.net.au/our-clinics/narre-warren-south-clinic/

On Thursday morning, Mum and I visited the Wilson Botanic Park Berwick. Today I was determined to not let anything ruin my visit here so I had no appointments on and any phone calls and messages from people would have to wait (Sorry, NOT sorry). It was a beautiful partly cloudy 23 degree day so perfect conditions for a walk around. We decided to walk around the Basalt Lake track featuring a boardwalk, large volcanic rocks and a bird hide.

We managed to spot a few turtles and birds around the edges of the lake as well as on the rock deposits and tall grass. We only spent about an hour at the park but that was more than enough for both of us. They had a train ride making regular trips around the lakeside trails with many children and parents on board. I always seem to feel very peaceful and relaxed whenever I’m here, so long as my phone doesn’t become a huge distraction!

On Thursday night, I went to an RPM class with Nicky at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I was feeling so tired this afternoon that I literally dozed off in bed and then freaked myself out a little when I woke up and saw that the time was 4:50 PM. I had to put the air conditioner on high in my car just to keep myself alert driving to Casey RACE. Luckily I managed to arrive there safely and on time for my class. https://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/gym/group-fitness

Our instructor Nicky was certainly interesting to say the least. From her dreadful, croaky singing voice to her wild yelling and crazy, infectious enthusiasm, she was far from boring and made the class more exciting. She selected a diverse mixture of older tracks including: Good Time by Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen (RPM 58), Ugly Heart by G.R.L. (RPM 66), Kings and Queens by Thirty Seconds To Mars (RPM 53) and Kick Start My Heart by Motley Crue (RPM 39). http://www.totallylesmills.com/site/rpm

Considering how sleepy and exhausted I’ve been feeling today, I still managed to put in a decent effort today with my workout, hitting an average range of 60-70 RPM and a maximum of 128 RPM. I burned around 348 calories and cycled a total distance of around 18.5 km. https://lesmills.com.au/rpm

On Friday morning, I had an appointment with my Speech Pathologist Amon from Everyday Independence. Once again, I was getting myself really nervous and worked up for no reason at all. I turned the radio on because dealing with dead pan silence is absolutely excruciating and uncomfortable for me. Plus having background music tends to put my nerves at ease. I guess it’s just that feeling of “not knowing” that gets me so worked up because I like to be prepared.

Today we worked on some strategies that can be used to achieve my goals: making new friendships, feeling more confident in social situations and spending more time hanging out with friends. A lot of it was quite hypothetical which is something I find challenging, thinking on my feet and without structure. But it felt good knowing that I came up with a plan going forward with conversation starters, how to interact with other people, what to say and making conversations flow better.

On Friday night, I did my first Restorative/Yin yoga class with Dani Iacovelli at Soul Flame Yoga in Beaconsfield. I think one of my biggest challenges from last year was my reluctance to embrace change and it's the reason why I quickly turned away from Soul Flame Yoga. After practicing yoga at this studio under the name "Just Be Yoga & Meditation" for over 8 years, it came as a rude shock when the studio name suddenly got changed. I couldn't handle it. It wasn't the same for me. And that "fight or flight" reaction took over me. I fled as fast as possible.

But now that I've had several months to process this, I'm willing to give the studio another shot this year. To be fair, something keeps drawing me back there whether it be the location in Beaconsfield, the yoga teachers and students or the studio space itself, which has recently been renovated and redecorated over the last 12 months or so. The colour scheme now includes a soft pale grey, stone grey, khaki green and eucalyptus green whilst still retaining elements of the original design such as the props area and wall unit in the reception area for personal belongings. https://www.facebook.com/pg/soulflameyoga/

Dani was very warm in her approach and immediately set me at ease. She offered the yoga class for free as technically this was my first time at Soul Flame but I was still grateful for the gesture. I have to admit that I was a little rusty on the mat tonight as it’s been a few weeks since my last proper yoga class but I quickly got into the rhythm again.

Dani gave us lots of options tonight and I decided to take many of the prop-assisted variations given how tight and inflexible my joints and muscles were feeling tonight. The poses and movements were did in tonight’s class include: Frog pose, Pigeon pose, Low Lunge, Downward Facing Dog, Lizard pose and Reclined Bound Ankle pose.

I didn’t stick around for the 45 minute meditation afterwards as I was really tired already and felt like I did enough today. I think the most important thing that I gained from tonight is that my fears and anxieties have gently evaporated. I still have a sense of belonging here which is something I’ve been wanting for years, particularly in a yoga studio. It’s often tough finding a place that you feel connected at but Soul Flame Yoga could indeed be the one. https://www.soulflameyoga.com.au/our-story/

“All this running around. Trying to cover my shadow. An ocean growing inside. All the others seem shallow. All this running around. Bearing down on my shoulders. I can hear an alarm. Must be morning. I heard about a whirlwind that's coming 'round. It's gonna carry off all that isn't bound.” Tame Impala - Let It Happen (2015)

“I was raging, it was late. In the world my demons cultivate. I felt the strangest emotion but it wasn't hate, for once. Yes I'm changing, yes I'm gone. Yes I'm older, yes I'm moving on... They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do.” Tame Impala - Yes I’m Changing (2015)

[bentrospection]

Finding Ben Again: Overcoming Depression

In being honest with myself, and open with the rest of the world, I have at this time decided to take an aggressive stance against my battle with depression and document the process as well as the interventions I will be using to do so. It is my intention as a precursory step in this process to first take a big step back with regards to who I believe myself to be and slowly take a closer look at who I really am. To know thyself is an essential foundation to progress towards happiness. While happiness and a life with self as well as romantic love, are the essential end goal of winning this battle, it is the process itself which I hope brings me to a higher consciousness of myself, the world, and my place in it. I share this journey in the hopes that I may, by extension, affect the lives of others positively, even if in the most subtle way.

I have up to this point in my life sought the traditional means of treatment for depression, including psychiatry, therapy, and medication. However, these have proven both inefficient and ineffective in their effect on any of my mental circumstances. Every neurological or psychoactive substance which I have tried, both subscribed and elicit, have had either a neutral or adverse effect on my mental well-being. All psychiatrists are essentially gate keepers to controlled substances with little to no regard for the affect of past trauma or current environment on an individual’s mental health. They have therefore proven relatively useless to me, however necessary as they make determinations on eligibility for essentially all restrictions and special needs as it pertains to employment or school. Therapists and counselors can prove to be useful for some in their role as vectors for exploring ones thoughts with guided intention and perspective. However, for those of higher level introspection thinking who are both self aware, and knowledgeable of techniques and coping mechanisms, the effect of therapy is to do little more than serve as a check up to ensure an individual is not experiencing thoughts of self harm. For these exceptions like myself who are ill-effected by drugs and find therapy to be frivolous at best, there is but this decided course of action to pursue motivated and consistent self-improvement. In following, I have analyzed my childhood to arrive at the following conclusions based on my current psychological profile.

The most readily visible consequence with my depression is alcoholism beginning senior year of college after my 1st breakup, and progressing rather rapidly from social drinking, to constant drinking 7 days a week.

I believe myself to have Love Addiction and a self-sabotaging draw towards turbulent relationships with women whom are either well below my standards with low self-esteem, women who are emotionally unavailable, or women who are only temporarily available due to moving or career. When a partner becomes attached I find a way to end the relationship, most often crushing my partner as intentionally as possible to feel redeemed about my having been previously rejected in my early years. When it backfires it triggers a depressive phase which further catalyzes my need for any companionship at all to ease the withdrawal. I seek reciprocation in romance and run from love. This likely stems from the unconscious thought that “I don’t deserve love” discovered during a hypnosis session. This idea was formed from a lack of reciprocation in romance throughout my teenage years, and the dramatic ending of my first and longest 3 year relationship that began in college. The relationship ended due to infidelity on my part, which was forgiven by my partner, but whose forgiveness I could not accept as fair to her…causing me to spurn her, but ending with regret when she finally did give up and leave me.

My parents provided very different sources of influence on how I view myself and worth. My father was always very present, loving and supporting. My mother however was more so very vindictive, spurning and verbally abusive. The dynamic of their relationship also led to a normalization of dysfunction and overly dramatic ways of handling disagreements. I had nothing to compare this behavior to expect the fairy tales and romance films I created my sense of true love and functional relationships on. 

I experienced significant childhood social rejection and bullying, leading to subsequent validation based on acceptance and severe fear of rejection. Validation also found in awards, accolades and recognition. I have no sense of self validation or esteem whatsoever. 

To combat this rejection, I decided to learn to how to blend with anyone so as to avoid the pain of not being accepted. My personality and mannerisms are now malleable based on the audience. The way I talk, my ethical views, and general demeanor will change to meet the acceptance of those who I’m around at the time. This mechanism of blending was created in college and gained me general acceptance from my peers. It is now habit and happens without conscious thought…I am often told how my accent changes by people who follow me between social circles, but realize I was unaware I even did it.

My moods are incredibly variable and usually on one polar high or low. When I’m doing well, I’m on top of the world and spread an infectious positive energy to everyone I come into contact with. When I’m low, all my motivation leaves me, work suffers, and my social interactions become an explanation of why the world is a terrible dark unforgiving place. Most of my life since childhood has been spent in a low (probably 75%). I have no control over my emotional state, despite aggressive efforts to control it, and usually wake up with an immediate sadness which follows me throughout the day. The source of my triggers (failed relationships) play over and over in my mind with little being able to distract me from these haunting thoughts. The world has become a smaller place with less things in it, as even things I used to love now remind me of someone and thereby become indirect triggers which I associate with someone I regret. I have lost my joy for places (entire countries), languages, paintings, movies, certain colors, songs, and even quotes because they played even a small role in my relationship with someone who’s now not a part of my life. With each failed relationship I have less things I can confide in to find self-fulfilled happiness.

In 2011 during my 2nd attempt at my 1st year of medical school I attempted suicide. At that point I had completely lost any sense of a future, had engaged in a lifestyle which contradicted my personal values, and completely lost touch with who I was or what I wanted. I was still hanging on to my ex and all of my mistakes, making more and more mistakes which I thought would distance myself from the past, but rather created a darker and disreputable reality that I was disgusted by. It seemed to me, I was at a point of no return. I had fallen so far from grace and my best self...I saw no further point in living. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die, merely that I had no life left in me. 

Now, I have rediscovered my passions. I have buried the versions of me that fell short of my standards. But as yet, I have no discovered how to forgive myself nor how to find self validation and happiness. I dwell in and out of depression, melancholy, but driven. But this is no way to live. I must and will find myself and achieve all that I want in the world. 

[i11a11i-blog]

dear mom

i know i’m hurting you. and i’m hurting everyone around me. that’s why i didn’t want to go on this trip. i know myself in this state. the crisis is so vivid and real to me and it consumes me. you remember seeing me like this last april, wearing my hospital gown and towel turban in the visiting area of the psych ward.

but i went on this trip, because of medora, because of you, because of family. and we are in this strange empty house and i am so displaced, disoriented. i tried to explain to you why i might need to stay back from this even though i knew that’d be an upset to the family. if you do not understand the burden of living your life as an actor, where everyone you interact with and encounter is a fellow character, i don’t really know what to tell you except that it’s debilitating sometimes. i see printed words writing themselves on paper in my mind when people talk to me. and have for a while now. that’s batshit insanity and it’s a heavy weight to bear. i have all these words struggling to be free. my past, just the past year. it’s getting too much to bear alone in my head. this is my last line of defense. i’ve felt for some time as if i was nearing my death. i told you this. it’s not that i’m afraid i’ll go crazy some night and OD - but that literally something is coming for me. and i feel this manic compulsion to record all of my thoughts and feelings and stories. the love and the loss, the secret emotions, the hurt, the consolation. the grief, the unexpected joy. this is the world i carry around in my head every minute of my life. a week is sometimes a lightyear.

i miss keith a lot these days. i’m fighting to not feel losses pretty deeply, to internalize everything i might have done wrong. i’m tunneling farther and father away from my reality because i feel that it is such a great trap. i did this when in florida. i’ve always done this. it creeps up on me. i found how far i’d burrowed only accidentally in those notes on my phone. i catch myself in the act of tunneling into neverland, into the looking glass. i’m already halfway there by the time i realize i’m anywhere. i think from some angle im probably severely bipolar and OCD and might even have some personality disorder something or other. but from the inside, from this warm world i’ve created, it is safe and free. it is art and experience. euphoria, and the power i never seem to have in my physical bones.

hence, the existential dread. hence, the hours spent sitting on this porch wondering if i am “going crazy.” the wondering why it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish between reality and imagination. i don’t know what’s the novel and what’s “life.” they seem to be one and the same far too often.

but you telling me i’m a self-destructive narcissist who’s “turning into your father” (my beloved novelist grandfather who wrote a bestseller, and who my mother despises for his substance abuse and general absence as a parent). those things just reinforce this paranoia that my fate is sealed and there’s no way i can’t fuck this up. and i have to believe there’s a way to balance all of this well. to listen to myself but also have the support to make the constructive choices i need to, in the environment that recognizes and supports my need for creative inspiration. i know that i can do it, and you yelling at me and telling me my shitty situation is my own fault because i won’t accept people’s love and help or “get help on my own” is so unhelpful. do you realize i can’t decide if it would be better to work on this project for another week or so and then end my life so i don’t have to hurt you and everyone else even more, or somehow struggle free of these chains and disappear forever into waking dreamland, away from responsibilities, from judgment, from burden – those two options are the biggest battle in my mind now. this obsessive relentless war of self within self. my mind, this firstborn and eternal child of mine. it pulls and pushes me with every whim.

so i am sorry. deeply. and i love you. you anger me and hurt me so deeply sometimes though. i have come to realize that you do understand me. it’s obvious from our talks over the years that you have lived with and observed this enough with your father. that you understand how big it is. you just do not accept that it is enough of a reason. to you, it is a matter of conformity and morals. for me, it has become only about freedom vs captivity.

i have to believe that it’s ok and an option to be happy someday. to wake up for any other reason than the promise of a new cigarette and the morning light that’ll be in the same spot on this chair. to believe my deepest dreams can be reality. to believe that there’s some other way to live than in fear and dread. to believe that it’s valid that i don’t have to live every day wondering if it’ll be my last just because the sadness is so profound. to believe that i deserve relief from this pain.

the isolation you attack in me is what i feel i have to do to protect those around me from this cloud. i stay away to keep you in the light. so please, don’t yell at me for staying in my room all day, for pacing circles between my room, the bathroom, and this porch, and refuse to see the rest of this shitty town where all the people who live who knew me as a confused child. i am so much more confused and i am tired of being pitied. so please, understand that this battle is legitimate. this pain is valid. people end their lives over this stuff. people self harm a lot. so when i show you my scars in a moment of weakness, please don’t look at me with disgust. it is real. it is valid. it is not a drama show. your father fucked up but he was in legitimate pain and in some ways he was just doing his best with what he had. it is always a valid struggle. some do better, some do worse. i am so sorry for your pain which triggers you. i trigger you and i accept that. i am so sorry of who i remind you of. please know it was not an intentional echo. i was born this way and i am dealing with it the best i can. please try to understand me as i will try to respect and understand you.

you remember me as a child. you saw this mind forming. i know it couldn’t have escaped you. do you understand why my own child scares me so much. emotional abuse is so easy to perpetuate, almost involuntarily. this inability to understand self in relation to other, it is sometimes coped with through abuse of children, whether that’s just steady emotional absence or constant distraction. i know how i tend to withdraw so fully, just vacate my reality and disappear into my mind. that’s kind of what you did. and i am scared of repeating your mistakes. that sounds harsh but i don’t mind saying it. if adoption is right, it will be a good, healthy thing for everyone. i am not abusive person, at least i hope not. i never have been. and i don’t want to become one. i love most everything, except maybe myself. but i am sad, and so removed from my own physical presence. and i would just be so grateful if you understood that this is real pain. that if i could pull myself out of it i would. it is hard to feel nothing and to have to pretend to feel everything that normal people feel. there’s this thing i saw online the other day. it said: “one time, a wise man said nothing.” i like that.

love, satin

[amwav-blog]

When you grow up, your heart dies & How to cope with the revelation that your childhood friend is now a revolting asshat

She warned us.... 

But did I listen? Of course not.

When you’re a kid, you think your friends will be your friends forever. And why wouldn’t they? You like all of the same stuff, you have a shared history, you’re partners in crime, and nothing feels as natural and perfect as being in each other’s company. 

But gradually, creeping like a ninja, change happens - you don’t even see it, until it’s already happened!  All of a sudden, your awesome progressively-minded friends turn into unrecognizable people who are married to homophobic jerks with shotgun collections, who are voting conservative, posting memes about their salvation while they bitch about the poor, and insisting that the Confederate flag is something to be proud of... who the fuck are these people ?! 

They’re not my friends anymore... they’re asshats.

I grieve for the loss of the inquisitive, open-hearted, and un-bigoted people they used to be, and will likely never be again.  Those friends I loved, and who loved me, we’re now (and likely forever) locked in an epic battle of contrary world views and cultural-religious-political ideologies. There is no going back to the time of staying up all night on the phone together, sharing secrets and saving the world,  while everything is copostetic between us because we both agree that pink Starbursts are the best, we love the same songs, and we agreee that David Duchovny is hot af. The days of youthful innocence and acceptance are gone, and will now forever be replaced with the bitter ashes of dead hearts and political memes.

Now, it’s complicated.

But, why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I never suspect that they might possibly turn into [dun dun dun]  their parents ?!  Weren’t we all wiser and cooler and more clever than that? Didn’t we all swear, “I’ll never be like that!” Is it really an inescapeable doom, we all, in some way, turn into our parents, and buy into all of the ideological indocrination of our formative years, while our hearts get colder and and our hair gets greyer? Surely not.

I’m living proof that you can recover from Catholicism, that alcoholism isn’t an ultimate destination, that gold digging isn’t a life goal, and that voting Democrat isn’t unquestionably the only option. We don’t have to be our parents. We do have a choice, and we should all take responsibility for the choices we make in our lives, the things we decide to believe (or not), and the how’s-and-why’s that brought us to those conclusions. Becoming a mindless clone of one’s parents / culture “because it’s how I was raised” is not a valid answer, it’s an ignorant cop-out, it’s lazy, and I ain’t buyin’ it.

I didn’t see their metamorphosis coming, because I was an optimist. I truely believed in the beautiful potential of humanity, and saw it shining through the goodly hearts of my friends, most of all. We were all the glorious potential of the future!  At some point, we all got busy growing into our 20′s; we became distracted by our own journeys, and lost sight of each other for a while... I didn’t see it happen, and then it was too late. Now, they’re wearing Trump hats, and thankin’ the baby Jesus that climate change is just a hoax and that queers aren’t allowed in heaven. WTF? If I facepalmed any harder, my skull would shatter.

In some cases, I did see it happening, and I tried to stand in its way, but you can’t make choices for others, even if you see them heading towards disaster. Do you know what happens when you tell your friend that you think their life choices are a mistake? They don’t like it. In fact, they really hate it, and they’ll resent your medling, or unsolicited advice, and they’ll be offended that you just won’t be unconditionally supportive... even when they’re telling you that they’re going to marry that broke, scary Republican with the gun collection (because, oops pregnancy!), or join that opressive, misogynist religion, or support that homophobic campaign... and now your love and concern has driven the wedge even farther between you. Experience has taught me, that’s what happens, and the aftermath of that situation is rife with heartbreak.

So, I might have escaped the parental cloning pitfal, and I didn’t become a bigot, or start a family with the guy who shot Bambi’s mom, but, now I have to wonder... did my heart die too? 

Did that sneaky heart-slaying ninja come and vanquish me, too ?! Did it slay all my dreams for a better future? Has my youthful optimism mutated into garden variety cynisism, without me even noticing? 

Ok, I’ve become somewhat cynical,  I’ll own that... my heart’s been wounded, but it’s not fatal. I refuse to let my heart die on this battle field of adulting! I won’t let it happen, It will be my pièce de résistance of adulting: My heart yet lives!

It lives... and so still, it breaks. 

How do I reconcile the loss of my childhood friendships, when we’ve grown so far apart that now we have zipcodes in separate realities?

Let them be who they are. Stop trying to force people into being someone they’re not. The only person you can truely make choices for is yourself. You can give someone a map, invite them to join you on your jounrey, even explain why your route is a good, safe, and rational one, but you can’t make them follow the same path as you, You have to accept that sometimes people are going to change, and not in ways that you approve of, and sometimes they’ll become unrecognizable to you. Their life choices are not your responsibility. Their path is their own. Their metamorphosis is their own. If you do not accept this, you will forever be in a sort of personal hell.

Grieve. So your childhood bestie has emerged from their cocoon as a giant, revolting asshat, and there is no going back. The person you loved is gone. Forever. And you know what? That fucking sucks. It’s awful, and it hurts, and it’s totally ok to feel upset about it, even to get angry, or to have a cry if you need it. A loss is a loss, whether that person has died, or has metamorphosized into a great big, giant douche, it doesn’t matter, because the sense of loss is just as valid, and just as real. Allow yourself to fully feel your feelings. If you don’t grieve, no matter how that grief manifests itself, you won’t be able to heal.

Let go. Ok, so, you’ve accepted that they are who they are, you’ve grieved for the loss of who they were, now you need to stop the cycle of hurt. Let go. This might be as small as no longer sending them that annual Christmas card (which has become your only meager communication, because you can’t have conversations anymore, without offending/repulsing each other.) It might mean unfriending them on social media, because their barrage of profoundly upsetting religious and political quotes and memes is an untolerable substitute for the heart-felt and substantive conversations that you no longer have, and will never have again. And in the most intense situation of them all, you may need to stop seeing them in person. You are not obligated to suffer their offensive, toxic lifestyle and ideologies, just because you have history. They are on their path, you are on yours, so wish them well, and stop the cycle of heartbreak, disapointment, and disgust. Let go.

Nurture the garden that will yeild the fruits of tomorrow, not the patch of weeds that have sprouted up in the garden of your past. Invest your heart and your time in relationships with people who DO want to travel alongside you. Maybe you have some old besties who are still going your way, or maybe you have like-minded new friends who could be the besties of your future - these are the people who deserve your time, and your love. Our lives are fleeting and finite, and we don’t have the luxury of forever to squander ourselves on people who dismiss our value, or who shit on everything we deeply care about. Find your birds-of-a-feather, build a tribe with them, and invest in the journey that you take together.

Don’t let your heart die. Don’t let yourself turn into a wretched apathetic creature. Don’t let hate smother your glorious, caring, rebelious heart. Be true to who you are: be the person who fights for justice, reason, and equality, who builds with grassroots, and who holds firm in the eye of the regressive storm, because your hopes and dreams for the future are bigger and better and tougher than their bigotry and hate.

Love! Care! Dream! 

Resist, all you grown up rebels, and prove Alison wrong: prove that your hearts are still very much alive!