#dissonance moment for me ig!!

[loveoaths]

the fact that people can understand the position of the atla air nomads but not the jedi is wild to me and further evidence that people hate the jedi both because of a personal reaction to and misunderstanding of the word “attachment”, and 20+ years of EU novels shitting all over them for fun and profit

[tokkimins]

oh. Well that’s not right.

That isn’t what he said. Like AT ALL.

The difference here to me is huge, and it’s bothering me to hell because I’ve been waiting for this scene to be animated for YEARS.

“Your survival” “raising you” “snatching you away” — all of these phrases emphasize Ciel’s life in a way that prioritizes ‘Ciel’ in that equation.

The manga’s translation, on the other hand, positions these phrases in an objectifying tone: “Your life” “cultivating it” “robbed of it”. Concern isn’t so much about ‘Ciel’ but rather his life. It’s Ciel’s soul that is of greater consequence to Sebastian at this point.

When Sebastian’s making that calculation of distance in his head, it’s out of fear of being robbed of his shit. He doesn’t imagine Ciel being physically put in danger;

he just sees him in the clutches of someone else.

The musical tone of this moment also just feels so dissonant to me man… Like this isn’t a triumphant “I’ll protect you” moment — this is a creature defending its hunt. Ciel is literally being reminded that he is indeed still a meal in the eyes of his protector. How scary is that?

Well not nearly scary enough if you’re crunchyroll apparently. I mean, “raised you?” Like ok mom.

But y’know, if you take Crunchyroll’s version of the translation with the tone of the score, it reads a lot better than if it kept to the og translations ig. So maybe I shouldn’t complain at all. Maybe I’m just being a stinker.

[goldensunset]

Fun fact about N’s character theme: it’s based on prime numbers! I don’t know enough about music theory to tell you exactly how, but it’s neat that the composer took his mathematical affinity into account -moon

ya!!!! that’s what i was talking about w the arpeggios. that’s a detail i think is great fs….

don’t get me wrong it wouldn’t surprise me at all if n’s battle theme was some masterpiece of musical composition on a purely technical level that i don’t get because i don’t understand complex math and music theory terms. i tried researching the meanings behind his name and just exploded. i mean look at this. i do not go there

like i’m sure they were absolutely cooking something intentional. it’s all so nerdy. i trust they made their choices for a reason. but i still disagree with them

i guess what i was getting at is that like extra flavor details in the music like this are great but what’s underneath really matters too… the main melody plays the biggest role in storytelling here. in a critical plot moment you should be able to listen to a track and just Feel a certain emotion and get an impression of what the character is like or what the situation is like. is it happy, sad, fearful, determined? unsettling? does it actually distinctly lack a melody, and what does that say about it? like without having to study details like this behind the scenes.. you shouldn’t need a phd the song should just hit you y’know

like it doesn’t exist within a vacuum it exists in the context of ‘i’m fighting this guy who by now i know means well and has been lied to and is in denial at this point, in the hopes that he backs down from trying to change the world for the worse and admits he was wrong, so that we can please be friends’ i understand n is an unusual sort of person and that formulas and calculations are part of his character quirks. but also at his core he’s not a machine or something he’s a human being with a lot of feelings and beliefs. that’s like. a really important part of the narrative… ik he suppresses his thoughts a lot but like

ig i just would’ve expected more of that passion in him to come out during his decisive battle. you would not have to change that much about it to satisfy my conditions. like his standard battle theme works fine for him when he’s battling you just to like test and study you in a calculating sort of sense but in the endgame you’d expect it to be more dramatic. which is why i love the pokemas version where it gets fused with his castle theme it sounds absolutely perfect like that��s the n theme we needed

the like. main part of n’s battle theme like the melody part… it is full of dissonant intervals. again who knows there might be a numerical thing to it that i’m unaware of but y’know like those are the sounds that make you distinctly uncomfortable. that composers use to signify fear or evil. i once woke up in a feverish mini-panic bc that song made its way into my dreams. (and that actually made me appreciate it more not less. lol. if you strike fear into my heart that’s a compliment). and i know he is an antagonist and you should be at least a little bit afraid of him but see like that’s the kinda thing they did for like. ghetsis. the pure evil dude of all time whose name is actually music-related too. the man is so evil he got named after his own evil music. ok king

basically n my man he deserves more to his battle music than sounding scary and cold

buuuut i guess you could say that’s what his encounter theme is for. ‘prisoner to a formula’ has a distinct melody (although that song is creepy lol). and then in b2w2 it gets remixed into a major key and it’s now called ‘n’s theme’ so like yay for once mr natural harmonia has a memorable theme that sounds like he gets sunlight and fresh air and that’s definitively considered to be his character theme!! yay!!!!!

idk. maybe this is all supposed to represent how he suppresses everything he feels and withdraws into his shell and his mechanical obsessive habits while he’s battling. bc his heart is distinctively not in it it’s not true to who he is as a character and also he’s in denial and trying to talk a big scary game the whole time. like the music represents his outer self not his inner self which is imo not ideal for a decisive character battle. and especially not given that his battle theme is at its core basically the same in the sequel even after he’s undergone character growth they bothered to make a remix but still didn’t add heart to it. as if they still wanted your impression of him to be offputting. but who knows!

[neonscandal]

Hello...just want to say, so happy !! Finally my best friend who is anti-shipping in shounen (and love to make fun of me because I have ships in every shounen that I watched/read), said that he can't find any het explanation for Gojo/Geto and Bakugou/Midoriya relationships...

Especially when I showed him your posts (that is based in canon and so true). Thanks for sharing your wonderful posts....

What do you think about JJK s2 op1 and ed1? I can't believe when I reas that the op is about geto from gojo's perspective (so romantic)....

OH ANON. HAVE I GOT SOME BRAINROT FOR YOUUUU. I've also noticed some of my older Satosugu posts are attracting attention and subsequently feel like I need to just list out all the most tragic things about them that I hold dear in a separate post because you've basically prodded a festering wound within me.

Re: Your last ask (maybe the same person?), I really only tried to focus on stuff that's already been animated because I try to avoid spoiling the fun for everyone. 🥹✨

It's hilarious that Gojo/Geto and Bakugou/Midoriya are the two relationships that stick out specifically considering their creators intently make them complements of one another.

Gege Akutami cited specifically that Gojo and Geto were designed to be a duo in an interview with Mandou Koboyashi (shout out to twitter user @/soukatsu_ or @soukatsu here as the real MVP for translating and adding further context for other fans). Fans seem to recognize their yin and yang design everywhere. There are countless salt and pepper shaker videos set to Ricky Montgomery's "Mr. Loverman" on tiktok, I'm positive. This is despite being marked by their dissonance.

Kohei Horokoshi has Bakugou and Midoriya recognized as two halves of the same whole by other characters in the story, most remarkably All Might who in many ways carves the deepest chasm(s) between them. The wax and wane of their unique development as individuals being integrally related is also something to note.

But this isn't unique to these two stories. I haven't even watched Naruto but know that Naruto and Sasuke serve as the sun and the moon to one another (literally within the story, their seals and by design/disposition) and I'm sure we could find this in other shows I haven't hyperfixated on haha

There's probably nothing new I can add to the MLM shipping discourse in shonen/seinen genres that hasn't been said, especially when it's been so eloquently broken down by IG user @/ariavelz. I also think there's a fair amount of queerbaiting in mainstream media and anime alike. Five seasons of Free! comes to mind...

Now the MUSIC!? In JJK? Bestie.

S1 already had me gagged with this brain worm. But, the fact that the song playing during Yuta and Rika's final moment in the fight vs. Geto and subsequently during the final moments Gojo and Geto share in that alley in JJK 0 was called "This is Pure Love"??? That's when I knew there were some Satosugu's on staff at Mappa. I don't think we need to dig into the parallels of how Yuta's fondness for Rika being the catalyst for her becoming a curse was the same way Gojo's fondness subsequently led to Geto's "comeback". Gojo, based on his experience at the time, said "love is the most twisted curse of them all" and time showed him just how twisted it really could be in season 2.

NOW THE OP!? It's just so lonely. Their cursed techniques being at odds with one another is so tragic, in a sense, and ultimately creates this divergence from one another. Geto, a genius of diligence, nobly consumes and sullies himself with the curses he has to imbibe like a martyr. Gojo, a genius of happenstance, is pristine. Born into privilege and untouched by the need to work hard or literally touch curses which Geto later grows to resent.

Meanwhile, Gojo's largely a product of isolation as imposed by his status and cursed technique and "Ao no Sumika" or "Where Our Blue Is" by Tatsuya Akitani waxes on about how, despite his best efforts, he could never reach Geto. The irony. As the story continues, we do, in fact, see that Gojo's never changed in the canonically affectionate way he regarded Geto. I think about this dissonance a lot. Literally, how did your Six Eyes miss that?

We could have shared everything. // Little by little since that day, // The curse of me being different from you grew thicker. The sorrow behind your smile, // All the way, I’ve regretted missing it. // To you, who bloomed and fell away as a fruitless flower, // Farewell. Our blue still lives, // Our blue is still clear. // No prayer or word could ever reach you, // No matter how close they could get to you. // In such a color as if it were a silent love, // Or as if it were a summer rolling down a cheek. // I’ve got a curse word for you stuck in the back of my throat. It is the unvoiced voice that says, // “We’ll see each other again, won’t we?” // Like star grains in an infinitely expanding galaxy, // Spilling through the gaps between my fingers

Now, I initially assumed the EP was from Gojo's perspective because Geto only seemed to smile in his presence (who's blushing face are we trying to see, afterall?). However, it is said to be from Geto's perspective and that, too, makes sense. Two viewpoints acting as bookends of the history between them.

I think what's sad about it is the way in which Gojo's POV is centered wholly on Geto, regardless of who or what he became; whereas Geto's perspective is more broadly applied to Gojo in part but also his own turmoil and moral dilemma.

Part of why Geto is thrown into such chaos is because of his inherently principled existence and yet, he is still the moon to Gojo's sun (Naruto, what are you doing heree?). Where Gojo always held a place for Geto, I think Geto assumed that his radicalization and subsequent defection marked a departure from Gojo because he was never really one to exist in shades of grey. Even if his impetus for this new society was ultimately to protect Gojo (and others like him) in the only way he felt he could.

Before my goodwill crumbles away, // I should have told you everything. // In a life descending and dissolving into the night, // Fuzzy emotions, a flickering light. With nothing to search for, love sways. // Living while concealing, // Hence, the moon is dark, head in flight. // Today, unable to go anywhere. // Sleeping, sleeping towards a brand new morning, // Loneliness under crying Though I understand a wounded heart // Why do I end up hurting and leaving the same scars? // Labeling it as ego, grouping it all together, // The true essence of you and me, burning transparently. Longing for change, but the feelings stay the same, // Only the form crumbles away, // Holding onto the hand of hope, your ghost Realizing that something seemingly everywhere // Exists only here, // In the trivial silence of the night. // Only I, residing in memories, awaken It exists only here. // I want to touch you, // Even with trivial conversations. // Show me your blushing face once more...

Pardon me, anon, while I burst into flames after reflecting on all this. 🫠

Edit: just adding this visual for everyone because SAME. 🥹

[final-girl-ariel]

fuck

is it my voice? my laugh?

is it my face? am i just that ugly?

is it bc im fat?

am i just that boring/uninteresting?

why would she go from saying she thinks abt me all day to not even bother texting me? from sending selfies and voice notes and cute lil videos and texting all day to nothing at all?

someone please make it make sense, im just so confused.

did she just lie when she said those things? or am i really so unpleasant and unappealing that ppl can just lose all interest in me the moment they start knowing me?

i feel im going insane, the dissonance is just too much for me rn

took me a lot to actually believe she liked me and she was genuinely interested and when i was starting to internalize it, it just stopped.

fuck me ig

[felikatze]

ok wait sitting on the arval stuff more (three hopes spoilers riu dni)

also i havent done the arval paralogue bcuz like. on god i'm not replaying this game rn cuz i will get burnout so bad

also this was the recruit byleth route on azure gleam so. again i am NOT replaying immediatly because i like the game but i also like myself.

ok ok so i think arval eventually betraying shez was set up really well actually.

the game does a good slowburn job of setting up that at some point shez just doesn't care abt defeating byleth anymore.

shez and arval initially are united in purpose, partners in destiny, but when shez joins one of the houses and becomes an important commander in a war, their personal revenge starts appearing insignificant to them and is eventually outweighed by their newfound trust and love for their friends.

additionally as they realize the connection arval and their power holds to those who slither in the dark, they grow afraid of their own power. the power they got from arval.

in azure gleam (and other routes similarly, probably) their fear grows so intense after unveiling how much tragedy those who slither brought into their friends' lives that they ask dimitri to strike them down should they ever turn their blade against their friends.

and, yknow, shez themself wouldnt just kill their friends willy-nilly. "if i ever turn my blade on you" actually means "if arval ever turns my blade on you." by making this request they acknowledge the possibility arval would do this.

whereas shez's drive for revenge fades, arval's only intensifies. arval's wrath drives a further wedge between them and shez, who starts to feel horror at arval's intent.

arval likely regained some degree of their memory when byleth went sothis mode, as seen by how fucking mad they got even before truly becoming epimenides again.

so like yeah this plot development was well-foreshadowed. and i think the map where you fight shez slaps. absolutely banger moment.

howeverrrrr. after that. i can accept epimenides banishing the three lords to the shadow realm as a cost-cutting measure because every route needs to resolve the arval plot and it would be hard to justify doing it differently three times so whatever. have a convergence point i dont care.

BUT. arval accepts becoming epimenides as their destiny. "i was always meant to become you," they say. but like? shez doesn't? shez never seems to acknowledge that the arval they know is gone. this is why i expected arval to show up again! bcuz. shez doesnr accept that they are the one who killed arval.

throughout the endgame they will still occasionally reference arval as their friend and like. pretend talk to arval in a more "if you could see me now" type of way but

epimenides makes it pretty clear that they (epimenides refers to themself as a man so did arval legit just forget their own gender? arval has so much transgender swag) don't really value shez and them calling shez their partner in destiny just felt like mockery to be honest. like oh you're not doing what i want so i'm gonna take over your body against your will you peon fuck you. that's the vibe on epimenides.

and then you gotta ask yourself how much arval actually valued shez for them to just become epimenides without a fight? without hesitation? cuz yknow typically in stories like this the power of friendship will snap whoever out of it which is what happens to shez but not to arval. arval just accepts what they've become and they die for it. the end. fin.

again!!! arval accepts this!! shez doesn't! it's such a weird dissonance. ig it's kinda subversive that power of friendship doesn't actually save arval but it still feels like a rugpull.

also suuuuper bad taste in my mouth from the azure gleam ending where like. thales and epimenides and all those slither guys talk about purifying the world from beasts right? reclaiming their rightful home above the surface by killing sothis? and at the end rhea says that she will purify the land by killing those who slither in the dark.

so it's like. both sides r the same. and the implication that sothis is the one who banished the agarthans to shamballah or wherever to let humans live in fodlan instead is. eh. everyone is the hero of their own story ig.

maybe i just dont know enough abt fe3h deeplore (<- has only played blue lions routes bcuz replaying academy phase gave him burnout and he hasnt picked three houses up since)

anyway this is just my experience. and my opinion

tldr: tho arval's betrayal is set-up really good and the first half of it is epic the actual fight against epimenides feels lacking because of how differently shez and arval feel about the situation with no attempt by the narrative to reconcile this dissonance.

[sizhui]

hi angie!! ur bit about bl generally being less interested in explictly talking abt gayness is very true! in fact yea i dont think its limited to bl as shows or novels or manga and extends to general media containing or focusing on explictly gay characters in asia. rather than homophobia itself i find media tends to focus more on the fallout / general form of it such as isolation and marginalisation. i find people on the fringes of society serve as good vehicles to explore a feeling of deep isolation and desire that is taboo to express but incredibly common in increasingly modernised societies and many directors / writers see that too. ofc this is a very general observation. to be more accurate being on fringes also allows these characters to simultaneously exist in society and exiled from it which opens them to certain experiences and emotions we typically keep repressed. when they are a part of society they may be battling constant dissonance but when they are exiled they may face loneliness everywhere. ig the weirdness n ability to enter the unreal allows for emotions in these stories to be amplified beyond what is normally possible or even socially acceptable to express. you're alr past 1 boundary whats 1 more u know? IDK THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS

idk i think while in some part culture informs the decision to stray away from focusing stories on homophobia (because homophobia also doesnt take the same form in these countries & ultimately stems from different historical events) because explicitly expressing one's homosexuality is like Very different from merely partaking in said activity and results in arguably a very different story too. i also think it has to do with different artistic interests. its not even really exclusive to asia because i find plenty of lgbt artists tend to also branch out into more related or adjacent themes grounded in their lgbt experience rather than on being lgbt alone ig???

i got off track again but imo i think good lgbt art is also just good art n can explore other themes and basically tries to say more abt people than just this or that

i find maybe more western media wants to focus on these characters as being forced to exist in society as outsiders but not like in other settings idk im not articulate

this isnt my full response btww keke just thoughts :3

DEAR LAB!!!! thank you so much for this, it was really insightful and valuable to me!!!!!!! Sorry for being unable to write a longer response at the moment , but I would love to continue this conversation whenever you feel like it, so feel free to dm me or send more asks anytime ^_^ thank you again, so glad to be talking about it with u!

[draweronly]

doing this cause why not

Oria

nuh uh uhhh

december 18

sagittarius

green

idk man

yep, a dog

YEEEEEEEEHHHAAAAWWWWWWWW (us)

five foot flat....

8 us womens

like... 5

picking out what to wear to school

drawing, singing, playing piano

nah

at the moment: Apricot - Iyowa

my little pony equestria girls: legend of everfree

huggable

eh not really

hell to the no

no

well yeah multiple times but not for sickness (besides the one time I had pneumonia). only for primary care checkups and because my parents used to work in a hospital.

no

no

showers 100%

black, blue and gray

no ????

nope

rock, dissonant, breakcore

no

3

fetal position

medium sized

left overs from last night's dinner

no

Yep

balls

shit

21 hours

yeah

i don't think so???

yes

hell no

sorta ya

no

i don't have one

istj-t

bro idk

yep

innie

right

yes

machado

uhhh m-machado (it's foreign to the US ig)

messy ??? i think

"aw poo"

balls

10-15 minutes

high ego, low self esteem (it's not the same trust me)

suck until its a little bit left

hell yeah like 24/7

yell heah 24/7 like

i like to think so

being alone

sorta but mostly no

i don't really watch movies so i don't remember

short

fuck no

math or science

introvert

no

performances

not really

sometimes

yes

no

no

no

no

the smartest boy in the class (me being the other smartest boy)

1

absolutely

72 WPM

okayly

dark brown/black

dark brown/black (no I didn't mistake the question for the other)

dust :PPP

no

both my parents work as dialysis nurses

ehhhh

moodkillers

legal name? hell no.

no

idc

being flexible and versatile

idk man like having bias

legal name? from my father. chosen name? someone in my fifth grade class in which our only interaction was calling someone stupid by not knowing who boris from bendy was

heeelllll nooooo

yes

brown

white

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

PLEASE DON’T LET THIS FLOP AHHHH

1. What is you middle name? 2. How old are you? 3. When is your birthday? 4. What is your zodiac sign? 5. What is your favorite color? 6. What’s your lucky number? 7. Do you have any pets? 8. Where are you from? 9. How tall are you? 10. What shoe size are you? 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 12. What was your last dream about? 13. What talents do you have? 14. Are you psychic in any way? 15. Favorite song? 16. Favorite movie? 17. Who would be your ideal partner? 18. Do you want children? 19. Do you want a church wedding? 20. Are you religious? 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? 24. Baths or showers? 25. What color socks are you wearing? 26. Have you ever been famous? 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? 28. What type of music do you like? 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 31. What position do you usually sleep in? 32. How big is your house? 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 34. Have you ever fired a gun? 35. Have you ever tried archery? 36. Favorite clean word? 37. Favorite swear word? 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 39. Do you have any scars? 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? 41. Are you a good liar? 42. Are you a good judge of character? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? 44. Do you have a strong accent? 45. What is your favorite accent? 46. What is your personality type? 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? 48. Can you curl your tongue? 49. Are you an innie or an outie? 50. Left or right handed? 51. Are you scared of spiders? 52. Favorite food? 53. Favorite foreign food? 54. Are you a clean or messy person? 55. Most used phrased? 56. Most used word? 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 58. Do you have much of an ego? 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? 60. Do you talk to yourself? 61. Do you sing to yourself? 62. Are you a good singer? 63. Biggest Fear? 64. Are you a gossip? 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? 66. Do you like long or short hair? 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 68. Favorite school subject? 69. Extrovert or Introvert? 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? 71. What makes you nervous? 72. Are you scared of the dark? 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? 74. Are you ticklish? 75. Have you ever started a rumor? 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? 77. Have you ever drank underage? 78. Have you ever done drugs? 79. Who was your first real crush? 80. How many piercings do you have? 81. Can you roll your Rs?“ 82. How fast can you type? 83. How fast can you run? 84. What color is your hair? 85. What color is your eyes? 86. What are you allergic to? 87. Do you keep a journal? 88. What do your parents do? 89. Do you like your age? 90. What makes you angry? 91. Do you like your own name? 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? 94. What are you strengths? 95. What are your weaknesses? 96. How did you get your name? 97. Were your ancestors royalty? 98. Do you have any scars? 99. Color of your bedspread? 100. Color of your room?

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Yeah like i don't think Taylor needs to tells us anything. Her music says enough, tbh. But when she gives us info, she wants us to believe. She has no reason to lie, she could just not say anything but when she says something (either via PR, music, IG or interview) it comes from her heart and is honest and having someone saying she's lying is just upseting.

Yeah so I've been putting a lot of time into like thinking about fan boundaries (more so in terms of myself) over 2023, and like I've fallen on "Anything that comes from Taylor or her team/friends is fair game" for the most part. Like yes, I'll clown a little about low stakes things such as Reputation (Taylor's Version) being announced at my show or discuss ideas surrounding her career endeavours like music and her upcoming movie, but I've been trying really hard to not post/reblog pictures she didn't explicitly want taken or clickbait stories, especially about her private life.

Even so, I'll admit, the last 48 hours have blurred that a bit for me because obviously the 5th of December 2021 is just a date. It doesn't actually tell us that Taylor was miserable for all of 2022 (and I'd argue she wasn't), so some implications have to be made. I also think it's very easy to get caught up in a moment when everyone else is posting about something and shift those boundaries, which arguably I have done and something I need to work at more.

But ultimately I agree that overall Taylor just does not want to be misunderstood, and, especially given Snakegate and her past as a whole, does not want to be seen as a liar. Like as others have noted, I don't think the trauma is purely about whether she was married or not, it's about how she's perceived and the dissonance between what people say happened compared to what did. Because for someone who wants to be 'good' and 'fair' like Taylor, the implications that the ceremony happened and she's coming for Joe for nothing (which, as an aside, this whole thing with Deuxmoi is stupid because if Taylor and Tree were stupid enough to lie about this, Joe could very easily sue them for defamation, so that tells me enough about who's telling the truth here tbh) in itself is hurtful and could be traumatic. So yeah, I completely get why they've lashed out about this specifically and while I unfortunately doubt it will, hope it gets Deuxmoi to shut up once and for all.

[formashimataichi]

like ig as a whole it’s kind of easy to get swept up in the grandeur of suetsugu’s story yknow. esp since it is one primarily carried on the interpretation of several weighted themes, so there’s this inherent drive in readers (including me) to imbue every little moment and behavior with substantive meaning. but in looking at the series in retrospect i think there’s a lot of little things that aren’t so much plot relevant occurrences that we’re supposed to scrutinize as they are simply genre conventions. which can be worth criticism too, to be clear. like one of the best examples to me is of taichi’s comments here and there about being a man etc etc and me believing at one point that those were deliberate manifestations of caveats in his mother’s upbringing (which i was really excited to see explored, and which i kinda wish got more closure than it did in the manga, but alas). and to an extent maybe they were but on the other hand they could just as easily have been offhand comments typical of boys in genre. so not something seriously worth remembering in the long run per se but nonetheless deserving of a little criticism bc we all know comments like that are by now outdated. i do think suetsugu can express that cognitive dissonance in her work sometimes, wherein the overarching feminist and gender role breaking intents of her work are sometimes called into question by the little quips she includes here and there from characters even though they’re reasonably not meant to be dwelled on. but i am simultaneously willing to afford her some grace bc i mean, there’s only so much consistency you can maintain when you are penning such a large and narratively extensive work. granted there are definitely mangaka who are even more neurotically detail oriented than she is but nonetheless i don’t think her offenses are criminal so much as little things to note in an overall assessment of the series and where it may have faltered on occasion despite the overarching messages ultimately ringing true

[prismartist]

/rp

okay. if the c!tommy apologists and c!dream haters come after me for this, then so be it.

tommy shouldn’t kill dream. not just because of basic moral decency, but also because, from an outsider perspective, he quite literally has no reason to. because really, it will just do no good to anyone, including tommy.

(uh please keep in mind this is /nm, even if it doesn’t seem like it lmao i’m just a bit sassy for some reason)

tommy’s belief that he should get rid of dream comes from a mix of paranoia resulting from his trauma and the hero complex that was instilled in him since forever. he’s looking through an extremely muddled and biased lens. he’s convinced dream is going to break out when in reality, dream is fucking powerless! he may be unhinged and he may be dangerous, but he can’t do shit in the prison. he has no one to use the revival knowledge on, and they have stated time and time again that it is literally impossible for him to break out without assistance. and if any of y’all start to mention enderboo, let me remind you that the theory of enderboo being manipulated by dream isn’t canon. even if it was, you would think that he would have gotten out by now because really, dream would want to get out asap, yet he’s been in there for three months now.

and about what i said about dream not being able to get out unless with help? it’s actually quite possible that, in entering pandora’s vault, tommy might accidentally let him out. 

(there are wilbur parallels here! would you look at that! hey remember the last time wilbur gave in to his paranoia and ended up hurting a lot of people? hope that doesn’t happen again ahahah-)

also, doesn’t tommy realize that he’s deteriorating his own mental health in trying to achieve this? i mean that should be obvious the moment he tried exposure therapy. he always thinks he has to confront dream to make things even when he really doesn’t. like he reaaaallly doesn’t. he’s trying to keep up his hero complex even when it fucks him over. remember the last time he tried confronting dream? that didn’t work out so well now did it?

not to mention, tommy is just giving dream power but stubbornly facing him over and over again. because he keeps getting beat up! he keeps giving dream something to play with! and that’s been the case the entire time!! there’s a reason dream only ever targets tommy, and only tommy.

riffing off that, tommy thinks dream will hurt everyone on the server when that’s kind of misguided as well?? dream’s main priority has always been keeping tommy in line. anytime he targets anything else, it’s because he sees them as extensions of tommy. l’manburg, the discs, tubbo. even if dream does get out, even if he resurrects wilbur, it’ll just be because he’ll be after tommy. which, yeah that’s terrible for tommy, but he’s not endangering the entirety of the server.

“so what do you suggest we do about dream?” nothing! you can do nothing!! i mean quackity’s already doing a pretty damn good job of beating him up (even though he really shouldn’t) or you can give him some therapy perhaps?? someone unbiased to talk to?? just don’t send in the clearly traumatized 16-year-old to do the work himself!! he’s in no position to kill anyone, much less face his abuser.

also there’s the argument that killing anyone no matter what is unlawful but for some reason y’all don’t seem to take that as seriously as the other points. which, fine, i’m not going to try convincing y’all otherwise, i’m just going to say that there’s a weird dissonance in saying tommy’s murder isn’t justifiable while dream’s possible one is, when both are results of trauma build-up, muddled points of view and a strong belief that the victim is the cause of all their problems. but one is more correct than the other ig (/s).

also can we stop. othering abusers and treating them as irredeemable? there’s a good post that explains this in depth but basically targeting abusers doesn’t help anything because it’s not actually tackling the root of the problem, that is, the system that molded them into abusers, and so just by punishing the abusers themselves and making them worse that doesn’t help to prevent other abusers and dehumanizes them.

now i’m not saying it’s not understandable why tommy thinks these things. it is! as i said, it’s a result of his upbringing thinking that violence is the only solution to your problems as well as the hero complex forced upon him. plus the obvious trauma caused by dream and co. i’m just saying that he’s making a big mistake by targeting dream when he’s posing no threat at the moment. also murder is problematic. 

now the only reason why i would like for tommy to confront dream and attempt to murder him is that it would be an interesting storyline, and it would be extremely intriguing to see tommy’s train of thought while he executes his plan. but in-lore, i don’t think it’s going to be a positive experience in any way shape or form. he’s just endangering himself and dream rather than protecting everyone else. and i wouldn’t want dream to die from a meta standpoint; i feel like that’d be a waste of his character, that we weren’t able to see his pov before he gets ousted out of the storyline for good. especially since he’s the one who started the server.

TL;DR tommy shouldn’t murder dream, not only is it not supposed to be justifiable but facing him would probably have serious consequences on his mental health.

[xf-cases-solved]

can i just take this moment to scream about how much this scene in particular is one of my favorite ones of the entire cancer arc? don't get me wrong, your girl here loves -- LOVES -- when mulder is distraught and going insane about scully being in harm's way in any capacity, like it is my drug of choice and has been for 26 years, i'll never love anything more, but! that said, i think this scene highlights his love for scully in a way that we don't get to see v often

here we have scully, who is struggling not just with her new diagnosis, but also with trying So Hard to pretend like she is Doing Just Fine Thanks, when not a single person in the world but herself would fault her for being vulnerable. and she's slipping here. she just had a nosebleed, which is probably terrifying in its own right bc it's a physical reminder of her illness, but then she also had to go and have it happen in front of mulder, and so that just compounded the negative emotions around it. then, after she cleaned up, she was hit with the news that all of those women that were like her are now dead from the same cancer she was just diagnosed with. all of them, except one, and now mulder is here, asking her to go talk with the remaining woman, and she is TERRIFIED. she knows that seeing penny is going to make her feel like she's staring down the barrel of a gun, and the thin veneer of her shield is chipping away, and so she lashes out. she gets frustrated and snappy, like, "oh, should i just go see what dying of cancer feels like? get a cup of tea and let her tell me in detail how it feels for your body to destroy itself?" even tho she knows that's not what mulder meant, but she can't help herself bc the alternative (admitting to being scared) is too much for her to bear

and mulder is SO SO SO gentle about it, omfg

bc he knows that this is her way of saying, "mulder, i am afraid of what i am going to feel when i see penny. i am afraid to think about being sick, and of dying, and more than that, i am afraid that once i face these things, i won't be able to hide from it anymore. my shield will drop. and once someone else sees me losing my edge, then that's it, that's my epitaph written, bc i do not know how to need help and this is not how i am going to learn"

like mulder clocks that shit immediately

and he doesn't agree with it, obviously. he knows that at some point she is going to have to stop trying to act impenetrable. that if she is going to get through this, she will need to get to a point where she can accept that she has limitations, and accept that she needs help

but

he also knows that that time is not rn. he knows that the wounds are too fresh, and her guard is up too high, and trying to push her that direction is just going to make her shut down more

so he pivots. and what he says and how he frames it is so perfect. it shows that he knows her implicitly. that maybe he doesn't always remember birthdays, and maybe he doesn't always respect her time, and can be dismissive, but he is still paying attention. he still KNOWS her to her core

he tells her to go as an investigator, bc he knows that she values her work and she values her professionalism. HE might have ulterior motives in terms of getting her to go see penny, but he knows how to make her need to see her too

his choice of words when he says, "you have one remaining witness, agent scully" is so deliberate, and it works. it catches her attention. for one thing, she's a military brat, she takes titles extremely seriously, and mulder calling her "agent scully" immediately grounds her. where she was starting to feel untethered by all the emotion, he gives her a way to come back to herself. for another thing, she's a doctor. mulder is appealing to that side of her as well. saying, "you can't look at it personally? look at it professionally, then," bc doctors (and ig fbi agents too) need to have a dissonance between themselves and their patients. she would have had classes about that in medical school -- would have been taught over and over again how to disconnect herself from her job -- and mulder reminds her that she is capable of doing that. "that's just part of the job, right, scully? and you are very good at your job, aren't you?" like she can't refute that without diminishing her own talents

[side note: that whole doctor dissonance thing is a whole thing in "irresistible" during her therapy session, like this is definitely not the first time she's tried to use her professionalism to hide her emotions, and she also refrains from saying the words "i'm scared" in therapy, too. her therapist calls her out for talking in second person. our girl is FUCKED UP mentally lol. but i digress]

and then, lastly, he plays into her intense sense of loyalty and justice. this particular case might be in part to find answers for herself, but there were other victims here too. women, in fact, who had their body autonomy stripped from them, and she has always had the strongest reactions to the cases that involve women who were harmed by men. it happens in the show a million times. she feels an immense sense of duty to avenge these women who can no longer avenge themselves, and if talking to penny is what she needs to do in order to properly investigate this case? then that's what she is going to do

and the delightful part about all of this? is that it actually ends up working exactly how mulder hoped it would. it made her face her own sickness, think about whether or not she wanted to fight it even tho it would be hard and she would have to be vulnerable, and it gave her a chance to put her walls down, if only for a moment

now obviously, it doesn't fix everything. she still remains stubborn af (see: elegy), and like, this girl needs so much gd therapy that she should probably be going three times a week, but at least in this one like, ten second clip, mulder is able to do what i doubt anyone else would have been able to do, and that's firstly: recognize what scully ISN'T saying; secondly: find a way to ground her; and lastly: get her to do something that's actually good for herself without fighting him on it

anyway, i just really like this scene lol

he loves her so much, y'all. so so so much, it's insane

One of the few confrontations conversations they ever really had about her being *sick*, and he taps right into her need to distance herself. Although, I think his words were helpful to them both. 

[arrtemisia]

Hey so... If you could redo cannon Makoto what would you do? How would she change? I'm curious cause out of the main cast she was the only one that I just couldn't get a solid interest in (aside from Ann but that's just cause the idea of her being a fashion model confuses me more than anything I think)

God. So much stuff.

There's a couple big things about her that bug me, and none of them really change at all in her canon vs fanon portrayal, which means it's hard for me to enjoy her even in fanworks. In my opinion, I think her biggest flaw is that she's simply miscast, and her character would have worked much better as a confidant instead of a thief, which would've given her a place of her own to shine and avoid the weird dissonance between different aspects of her character (and this was actually their original plan, so Hifumi would have taken her place which. She would've fit in much better imo bc she's actually suffered under another's will like every single one of the others and she's an actual strategist instead of just """smart,""' but that's a topic for another post), but since we're talking about how I'd personally fix Makoto in the role she currently fills, I'm going to list some of the issues I take with her and potential solutions.

First of all, just to get it out of the way, she needs an actual reason to be here. She doesn't have one, full stop.

The big thing tying the thieves together is that they're all victims of abuse and oppression who rebel against their tormentors and want to prevent anyone else from suffering like they did. I'm not saying Makoto has never struggled, because she has, but it's really, really not the same type of struggle.

This leads to weird moments where everything about Makoto's personality and characterization, such as being a stickler for the rules, idolizing the police, etc mean that she has no in-character reason to stick with the thieves after kaneshiro is dealt with and should maybe even be opposing the thieves' way of doing things, but the plot drags her along anyway because the game really wants her to be a party member. And really, what's up with her awakening? She gets threatened once and then bang-boom-kapow she has a persona? It's weak.

Also before anyone says "well all those things about her personality change when she awakens and she sheds her good girl personality and yada yada," no she doesn't, actually, and I'm getting there I promise

The easiest solution here is also the most drastic. Swap when Makoto and Akechi join. This kills two birds with one stone; Makoto gets an actual reason to awaken through Sae, and Akechi's betrayal hits harder because he's pretending to be with you for longer (although admittedly this is much less needed on Akechi's part ever since royal).

Not only does this give Makoto a much stronger reason to awaken and join in the first place (Sae starts twisting into something horrible and Makoto wants to help both stop and save her), but it also gives her an internally consistent reason to stick around. Before, unlike the others (who all at least have "I want to stop others from feeling like I did," or in Futaba's case, "I wanna find the ppl who killed my mom."), once Kaneshiro is done with, Makoto has no real big personal reason to stick around other than "I'm a thief now and the plot says so ig." Now, of COURSE she'd want to go after Shido because he's the one that was manipulating her sister, and after that of COURSE she'd want to help take down mr divine sippy cup in order to get Shido tried and jailed.

However, if we're not going to shuffle around the order of party members bc that'd nuke the canon plot a little, then we need to rework the entire Kaneshiro arc and/or Makoto's backstory and values as a whole. Yeah this is why the first solution was the easy one.

I'm going to go in-depth about how I feel Makoto's personality and values should be reworked later I'M GETTING THERE, so I'll talk about that then. As for reworking Kaneshiro, I... don't have a whole lot of ideas. The palace itself is fine, it has one of the coolest atmospheres in the game (c'mon, there's got to be a fun bank heist in a game like this), but Makoto's connection with him is very weak. Maybe have it be that he was extorting her for years in secret and she never said anything? Maybe have him be the one that ordered the hit on her father? I'm not sure what would be strong enough to match to the other palace leaders, without feeling forced. I'll have to come up with more ideas for this one.

The second big issue I have with her is less of one specific thing and more of a collection of smaller problems that all come from the same source. She waltzes in, takes over, and starts acting like she's the boss of things. She then names herself the "strategist" and yet only ever states the obvious and, to use a word I hate, mansplains things to you that you already learned two palaces ago. She's constantly condescending and passive agressive to the other team members, especially Ann and Ryuji, berates everyone for not being as naturally book smart as her when all the other characters are smart in their own ways and just not good at academia, all the while everyone around her, even characters that normally wouldn't take that (ryuji, ann) or are too prideful to admit to anyone bring better (mona), are constantly like "You're so cool, Makoto!"

It's a classic case of show don't tell, and rhe game is obsessed with telling you that Makoto is "smart" and "cool." Once she joins the team, all the characters that were originally shown to be smart in their own ways are never allowed to say anything meaningful ever again bc Makoto is the "smart" one. She never does anything particularly different compared to the other party members, but the game is constantly insisting she's special.

I'm very hesitant to call her a mary sue, because I don't think she is one, and also I disagree with the use of that term at all as these days it's just meant to devalue powerful characters that happen to be girls, but I definitely think she's emblematic of a common writing flaw that can lead to mary sues. The problem with making a character the "smart" one as a personality trait instead of something that just comes naturally is that you have to dumb down everyone else's characterization to make them look smarter or cooler by comparison. It means that the character you're trying to prop up bends everyone else around them, making them act in ways they normally wouldn't in order to make the one character you're trying to look cool seem better by comparison.

This has an easy solution: cut that shit out. Have her slowly find her place on the team naturally instead of forcing her way in as a pseudo-leader. Don't give every single "well, duh" line to her, and cut the scenes where she stands around explaining obvious things you already know in a condescending manner so she looks smarter. Let the other characters actually act like themselves when they're in the same room as her instead of bending around her to prop her up. Have her treat those characters with respect in turn, bc for all intents and purposes when it comes to thief stuff they are her senpai, instead of just having her act like she's better than them, or boss them around, or be passive agressive about the fact that their grades are bad. Show that other characters are smart in other ways instead of acting like Makoto's book smarts are the end-all be-all. And for fuck's sake, stop acting like "smart" and "punches stuff real good" are personality traits, which leads me into my last big point.

Makoto and Queen don't really feel like the same character. Okay, so to explain this, let's walk through her awakening again.

Makoto is a good girl who's a stickler for the rules, sucks up to authority, idolizes the police, is obsessed with her grades and academic performance, and looks down on others who don't do the same. A couple people call her useless and then she gets threatened by a mob boss, after which she decides to live her life for herself and completely shed her good girl lifestyle and rebel against everyone pressuring her.

That is, except for the teensy tiny detail where she doesn't.

Nothing significant about her personality changes all post her awakening and joining the thieves, aside from the part where she sucks up to authority maybe a little less. She's still uptight, her grades (and the grades of those on her team) are still her top priority, she still idolizes the law and those enforcing it.

Y'see, persona has a bit of a common problem with saying one thing about a character, be it making a reveal or saying they're gonna change in some big way, but not fully committing to it. You can see it most in p4 (party members saying they're gonna quit/stop/do whatever and then backtracking in the last two ranks of their social link), but it's rarely so severe that it completely ruins their personality and character arc as a whole. Makoto, I feel, is the main exception.

The writers want Makoto to become this tough, rebellious biker queen who oozes badassery in every move and will never follow anyone's wishes for her ever again, but they also want to keep her old personality of the uptight naive rule-following law-abiding academic. So, instead of altering one to better fit the other, they try to do both... badly.

Instead of integrating the two parts of her personality, it just feels like she swaps between them whenever the plot calls for it which is really, really jarring. She'll be stuttering about following the rules and getting to know her generation one second, and then the next she'll be yelling about mowing down shadows with her motorcyle the next. It feels like Queen and Makoto are two separate uninteresting half-characters, with only a couple personality traits each, instead of one whole well-rounded character.

Either rework Makoto's thief aesthetic to better suit her personality as a whole and give her something other than "I'm totally not a good girl anymore" to make her compelling, or actually commit to Makoto shedding her past life everyone around her had forced on her and change her personality. Have her grades start to slip, have her talk back to Sae, change the way she dresses so it's rougher and less perfect, hell, maybe even have her quit student council. Just, anything to make her more well-rounded as a character.

I have some other nitpicks with her here and there, like the fact that her confidant is actually just Eiko's confidant and doesn't give Makoto herself any development, or the way the game keeps trying to set her up as Joker's waifu or whatever, but those are just that; nitpicks. The three big things I mentioned earlier - her not having a compelling personal reason to be a part of the thieves, the way the writers shove her into the spotlight by putting down everyone around her, and the fact that her characterization is just one badass half and one smart half that don't mesh and have little else in between - are the problems I feel are what's actually holding her character back.

Again, I do think that all of this stems from the fact that she's miscast, but it's too late to fix that now. While I personally really dislike Makoto, I do kind of understand her appeal for others when she's written well, and she's a totally valid character to like. I just wish she was portrayed better.

(Also, if anyone wants to reblog this, feel free I ask that you please don't put this in Makoto's main character tag. I know how much it sucks to get a bunch of negativity in a character's main tags as I am an Edelgard fe3h fan)

[chiisana-sukima]

They're comparable only insofar as spn positioned them both to some extent as mythologized medical ethics dilemmas and spn is very bad at medical ethics.

Spn in general suffers from raising what it positions as difficult moral dilemmas and then not facing them squarely, so in that regard, for me personally there's a sort of chronic low-lying cognitive dissonance in which emotionally I want to approach these alleged issues through the metaphors the show invites, but then when I do, I'm forced into the conclusion that the whole show is a stupid, vibes-based mess.

The medical ethics read of the Gadreel arc is obvious and simple. It's one of the very few arcs that isn't presented as a trolley problem. There's a right answer and a wrong answer and no competing end-of-the-world concerns to complicate picking the right choice. Which is 100% without question to let Sam die. There's barely even any supernatural overlay; it's essentially just the exact same choice that millions of family members make on behalf of their loved ones, as appropriate consenting parties (ACPs, of which DPOAHs/health care proxies are the most familiar example). An ACP's job is to communicate to the health care team what they think their loved one would want for care were the loved one able to communicate their own consent. Dean states outright on screen what Sam's decision would be in those circumstances, so that's the decision he should have made. His emotional decision is understandable but wrong.

Of course, Dean couldn't make the right decision in 9x01, because then the show would be over. And it's these kind of Doylist messes that bring me to the Book of the Damned.

x

The MoC arc is a trolley problem, and the solution is Dean should stop hunting. But if Dean stops hunting, then the show is over.

They actually do bring that solution up briefly in About A Boy, and Sam does the same thing they always do when it's time for a filler episode; give a pro forma "we gotta get back in the game blah blah" speech, and then it never comes up again. So ig if anybody does anything stupid and wrong in that arc, it's Sam's "we should go on a hunt" speech.

Framed as above, with the Book of the Damned as a consent violation though, the technically correct answer is Sam did nothing wrong. This is because by the time Sam makes the decision to go behind Dean's back and keep the BotD, the moment when Dean could communicate his treatment preferences is long, long past*, and since we have no idea what competent!Dean would have preferred, Sam's job as an ACP is to guess. And if he can't even guess, then the decision tree gets to 'he should substitute his own judgement'. Which he does.

But then past the consent phase and on to the "what kind of treatment would actually solve this problem" phase, well, the Book of the Damned isn't an unreasonable option only if you ignore the other options that would be better to try first but that would be boring television. Why did they not stop hunting? Because it's boring. Why did they not just de-age Dean again? Because boring and Jensen is too hot. The MoC arc is supposed to be an addiction arc, so why didn't he go to a 12 Step program (he wouldn't even have to lie, he really does also have an alcohol addiction)? Boring.

By the time you ignore all the boring but reasonable trolley solutions and go on to suspending enough disbelief to somehow agree that the Book of the Damned is the only option other than just letting Dean run rampant killing people until there's no one left on earth, it becomes perfectly reasonable to use it. Amara killed a lot of people, but not all of them. But I mean. We're in the God's sister is a seductive eight year old era now. It's all dumb and I'm crying because I want Kripke back.

*From a medical standpoint, Dean became incompetent to give consent at the latest when he killed the scumbags in The Things We Left Behind. They were no loss to society, but Dean indiscriminately killing humans is a hard bright line that competent!Dean would never want himself to go beyond. I would argue that 9x23 is the actual moment he became incompetent to consent, but that's a closer call. The murdered scumbags isn't even close.

I've seen people compare two situations: 1) Dean saving Sam against his wishes (debatable)* by allowing Gadreel to possess him, which results in people dying (namely Kevin dying); 2) Sam saving Dean against his wishes (debatable)* by using the Book of the Damned, removing the Mark of Cain and releasing the Darkness, which results in people dying.**

*I write that this is debatable because people often have arguments about this. This does not represent my opinion and does not mean that I intend to hurt anyone's feelings by doing so.

**These descriptions lack nuance. This was done intentionally to see how well people remember these nuances and to avoid rehashing seasons 9 and 10.

***Question for tags.

[emma-what-son]

In June of this year, I wrote for this very website that I alone was capable of saving Emma Watson’s career. In that piece, I suggested Watson either start taking better roles to better bolster her activism career, or to commit more fully to activism in lieu of her acting career. To the surprise of no one, Watson did none of the things I suggested, and instead she has engaged in a months-long campaign for Prada Beauty, which she is marketing as world-historic social justice advocacy.

Some context: Watson became the spokesperson for Prada Beauty’s new perfume “Paradoxe” (that’s “paradox” for girls, jk, it’s just French). But in order to justify doing what is glorified spon, Watson insisted on directing and writing the ad herself. You can watch it and see for yourself how effective it is at selling you the perfume.

“Boxes are always too small,” Watson says, perhaps the most universally acknowledged truth about trying to return a pair of pants you got in the mail. As far as perfume commercials go, it’s pretty run of the mill: rich in vague truisms and confusing imagery. Watson swims, she dances, she paints. She wears a wig to remind you of when her hair was super short, something Watson has now been doing at promotional events for the perfume. What does the perfume smell like? I have no fucking idea. But I don’t think any perfume commercial has had much to say about the product at hand. Remember when Adam Driver turned into a centaur for Burberry?

Watson, however, is doing what she is wont to do: turning directing a Prada commercial into a social justice campaign. This ranges from the totally legitimate (it’s Prada’s first refillable perfume bottle –– eco friendly slay) to the loosely bunk, namely whatever the hell she has been doing on Instagram for the last two months. Since August, Watson has been posting stills from the commercial a few times a week with captions ranging from the hilarious “Taking a moment <3” to stats about women in STEM. That she does so in the annoying celebrity Instagram model of three posts at a time to create a widescreen effect on her Instagram grid is slowly but surely giving me a stroke, but that’s a complaint for another time. Her IG story posts and reposts the commercial on a daily basis. You can never forget that boxes are too small.

Surely most of this is contractually obligated, and why shouldn’t Watson zhuzh up her sponsored work by highlighting inequalities faced by women today? To her credit, she hired a majority female crew for the shoot, and she also warned us there would be some cognitive dissonance involved with this whole project (“Paradoxe”). As Watson says while manically twirling down a triangular staircase, “I am never the same. But I am always myself.”

[proverbs31thirty]

I miss you. You were my best friend. I told you everything. You were kind and respectful. There was never a moment where I felt like you treated me poorly. If anything, you treated me too well. You made me feel safe and cared for. So many times you’d talk to me about what a crappy person you were. To an extent I understood, because we all are. I was crappy to you more times than I can count. But beyond all of the crappy, beyond all of the noise of complicated disagreements, I knew you. Saw you. And I fell in love with you. I fell in love with the guy who was kind and real. I fell in love with the man you are, and the crappy faded into the background. All of the insecurities and dissonance you may have felt... if I’d known for even a moment that you wanted something more, I would have fought harder. All I heard in the moment were the words that said you just wanted friendship. And if that’s really, truly the case, after everything, then we can move forward understanding where the other stood. But if it’s not how you felt, I'm begging you to tell me.

The other day, I was telling someone about you and she asked me if things were ever physical between us, which of course I laughed at. I’m pretty sure we’ve side-hugged twice ever, which is less contact than I’ve had with my waiter at The Goat. The idea that a person could fall in love with someone without that seems to be a foreign concept to most. Of all people, I‘d think you know that aspect of things can’t always change how you feel. Growing to love someone over time, sure, but love doesn’t happen there. It’s deeper. I know, because I feel it every day that goes by when I don’t see you or talk to you. When I hear songs that remind me of you. When I go somewhere you should have been, too. When I see that you’ve watched my story on IG, and I know you’re still alive. When I think about how you’re feeling. What you’d think of my new friends. When I need you to remind me not to get a dog. I still want to tell you everything. I wake up wishing you had sent another vaguely strange text at 3am. Just sitting with you. Getting a drink. Walking on the bridge. Getting pizza at midnight. Remembering the talks of getting season tickets, confident we’d still be friends in 10 years.

I feel like I could sit here for days and list out the things I miss. I could also list the things I hate, and that make me angry.

That every time I look at another guy, or he compliments me, or I consider diving into something, you are the first person that I think of. I hate that every time I want to move on, the inside of me aches. I hate that I feel like our friendship wasn’t fair. I’m so mad that I let it get so far, to where I felt like I was your emotional support half and she was your physical half. And then when you pulled away, I felt like I lost you. I hate that I don’t know what beer to order anymore. I was so angry when I went to the twisted pub at Bridgestone and didn’t know which drink we got, so I ended up drinking something disgustingly fruity. I hate that I let you in and trusted you and felt at home with you. Every day that goes by, I feel more and more like I’m losing my mind. Like there was nothing there, and I imagined everything. I hate that. I hate feeling like it was my fault for falling in love with you. I truly don’t understand any of it. None of our conversations helped. None of the arguing or back and forth in April gave me any clarity. I just left feeling like a complete fool. I hate it. And I hate that I feel like another one of your countless female friends. That you were able to let go like it was nothing. I hate that I can’t ask you how you felt or how you’re feeling now. I’m so mad at myself for ever thinking you cared in a way that you didn’t. For misinterpreting your vague texts, and for believing that you actually might care for me on another level. I’ve been angry for over 6 months now.

But you taught me. You taught me how to truly love someone, without all of the physical garbage that had gotten in the way in my previous relationships. You taught me how to learn someone and love them where they’re at, even if I wasn’t good at showing it all the time. To take all of the crappy stuff and accept it as a living, breathing human being. To care so deeply for someone, all of it wrapped up in a messy little package. You made me a better person. You made me want to be a better person, because we needed each other. Well, I needed you. And as much as I’m trying not to, I still do. Never in my life has another human being meant to me what you mean to me. It makes me ache the good, lonely, sad kind of ache.

I just drive around and think about you and hope so much that you don’t feel the same thing. It’s too much. We both know I don’t like her, but if she makes you happy and keeps you from feeling even a little bit of what I’m feeling, I’ll be fine to keep going and deal with my stuff on my own. But if I knew you were hurting... if I knew you felt even a little bit the same, or had an ounce of regret, I would drop everything.

There will always be someone else, but we won’t be us. Quite honestly, that’s what gnaws away at me every day. That’s where the ache lives.

I could probably sit here and type and type away forever, but I would just end up saying the same “I love you and I miss you” over and over again. So, I’ll just tell you this: You deserve to be loved so fiercely. I don’t care what anyone around you says or thinks, you’re a beautiful human who deserves depth and honesty and to be truly, deeply cared for and known.

It would’ve been the joy of my life.