#different feelings and thougths about

[yourbuerokrat2]

Q was having a crisis, which actually was .. something new. Usually any and all Qs have had their last identy, moral and 'oh why am I like this? what is the meaning of a gods life?' crisis a few million if not a billion years ago, Q included. So, to feel him in the Continuum separate and yet one of them as all of them were both separate individuals and yet one, be full of unrest and even uncertainty and various other tings the Q had thought they had lost the ability to feel or even care about, was quite a novelty.

A novelty that most of them did not care about, having their own plans, duties and hobbies to take care of, too self-absorbed even in a place that was known for unity, yet Q seemed to feel the strange need to justify himself in front of them as if they were his willing rather than unwilling audience. As if they felt anything more thanmild amusement at the 'sight' of their most notorious and prideful member realizing that what he felt for 'The Representative of Humanity' was way more than a passing interest.

Because Q knew that this was not someting that was supposed to happen, especially not (in Qs own rant) to him, the absolute best of the best. He wasn't supposed to be so utterly willing to make a fool out of himself for something and someone like Jean-Luc Picard, and oh the longing in the thought of that name alone should be alarming if the Continuum hadn't stopped caring about affairs such as these a long time ago, having collectively chosen to get whatever entertainment they could get out of the ensuing chaos instead of trying to get Q to obey the laws that stated that too much attachment was not only a danger for a Q, but for the stability of the universe as well .

Then Q went on about how he had simply been bored for the last couple of millenia so of course he gets a bit.. excited about having found a new and interesting toy. Q was interupted by another Q who half-seriously suggested that if this was all Picard was, then they could maybe take up the role of the Judge of Humanity because they themselves are starved for a distraction as well. The rather strong, almost fierely (if the Q had human senses) 'No' with a rather personal and possessive sentiment attached to it that said Q was met with caused them to be amused enough about Qs reaction that they gave the equivalent of a laugh. His reaction actually seemed to embarrass Q somewhat, which was also rather new considering the Continuum was sure that Q had never felt shame nor had ever really cared of anyones opinion but his own.

"it's not my fault", Q tried to explain himself "Picard, he... "

Even Q quickly realized that shifting the blame on the human was quite ridiculous in this case especially since unlike Q Picard was utterly incapable of making people think or feel things against their will. Would very likely not even want for Q to feel this obsession, the humiliation and the despair every time the entitys mind wandered towards him and his little ship. Something which happened more and more often as the other Qs would be able to attest.

Feeling that Qs entertaining if short outburst was nearing the point where unrest was turning towards something else, someting none of them really wanted to feel nor see, the 'eldest' Q (they were not really the eldest because all of them very equally ancient but they still acted and considered themselves as the 'eldest' since they saw themselves as the most rational, wise and level-headed of all the Qs) came up with an offer, really more of a suggestion.

Perhaps or perhaps most likely Qs .. problems were not really caused by his rather strange feelings towards Jean-Luc Picard but towards a human. Perhaps the reasons for the rejections, for ... everything 'wrong' between them as Q felt it, was not caused by personal matters but simply because they were of two different species. On two entirely different levels of existence even.

Perhaps or perhaps most likely Picard would only be able to really understand Q if he were to be a Q as well. And Q would no longer humiliate himself and the other Qs by bending the laws of physics, timelines and existence itself for a human.

"You mean..."

"Make him one of us, Q. Make him your equal and I am sure you will have him then."

[towriteloveontheirarms]

Dressed all in white (Sihtric Kjartansson x reader)

synopsis: When Sihtric and you meet life feels like a dream. Never in a thousand years could you have thougth such heaven could turn into such hell.

warnings: heavy angst, emotional manipulation, hurt/comfort but very little comfort, grief, physical violence, afab reader

word count: 3.1k

taglist: @hopelesswritergall @foxyanon @sihtricfedaraaahvicius

(If you want to be tagged for a specific character/fandom or in general let me know in my asks, comments or DMs)

A/N: This is probably one of my darker fics, so please know that it is completely okay to save this and read later if you currently aren´t in the right headspace. If you have recently lost someone close to you please know that eventhough it will suck and it is important that it sucks for a while it will get easier eventually. And if it doesn´t, counceling is always a good option imo

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

It almost felt like a dream now, thinking back to that evening. A beautiful dream you wish would have never passed. But every dream had to end sometime. The end to yours was Sihtric standing by the docks of your hometown after a months long stay, hugging you tightly as he kissed you on the forehead and promised to write as often as he could.

“Do not cry, my love. I will return to you before you know it.” It was the only consolation you got.

That and half of his lord Uthred´s crew. Amongst them, Finan. As Sihtric and you had grown closer, so had the Irish man and you, though in a far more platonic sense. Ever since that night you felt like the dream that now ended began. As you stand there, Finan´s arm around your shoulder. As you wave off Sihtric until the ship is barely a spec on the horizon, you allow yourself to reminisce about the night you all had met.

There had been word of a large group of Danes having come to town all day. No matter where you went you would become privy to whispers about the large group of men. How their leader was a Saxon raised by Danes nicknamed the Dane slayer. The rumours made your mind run wild with imagining how this Dane slayer would look like. All your brain could come up with, was the picture of a beast of a man. Tall, covered in muscles and scars with long hair and a long beard. A barbarian, in short. Which was all but not what greeted you at the tavern that evening.

Long before you set foot over the threshold you could hear the screaming and laughing and music. A big group of Danes had taken over the tavern and in the midst of them sat the Dane slayer himself, Uhtred Ragnarsson, with three of his seemingly closest men. Throughout the night there was an abundance of food and ale, men and women started dancing on the tables to the music and you were no different from them. Finding yourself pulled into a conversation with the Irish man and the Dane, shocked yet fascinated by their stories and in the end, being spun around by them to lively melody after lively melody, singing dancing and laughing until the very ungodly hours of the morning. The two men had you laughing until your tummy hurt and kept you on your feet until your legs ached. When the time came to go home, or rather to choose who to take home with you, your choice fell onto Sihtric. In hindsight you weren´t even sure why your decision fell on him, all you knew was that it was easy to decide. For some odd reason the Danes soul felt like it was calling out to you.

One night turned into many and your choice that fateful night only proved to have been the right one. Finan was sweet to you, but Sihtric was infinitely sweeter. After only a short while you had no room left in your small house for the heap of flowers that he gifted you, he never talked over you in conversation and made a point to include you as best as possible and the best thing was that he listened. He actually listened with great interest, storing each new thing he learned about you somewhere easily reachable in his brain. He was perfect, life was good for a while. If only he hadn´t followed Uhtred back to sea.

Not long after he had left, the letters he had promised to send stopped coming out of nowhere, even though he had just promised to marry you as soon as he came back.

Reams of miles away Sihtric thought and worried endlessly about the same, you had sounded beyond happy about his promise in the last letter only to then suddenly stop writing out of nowhere. That´s when he received a letter that would explain the absence of any writing in all the worst ways.

He was alone when he opened the envelope addressed to him. It´s contents talked about how he had left you behind pregnant, a fact that made his heart beat higher, the overwhelming happiness overshadowed the fact that you had not told him yourself or the absence of any communication for a moment. Only for it to end with his heart sinking into before unknown depths and his vision to veil with tears as he continued reading. There had been complications and you, as well as the child, had died. The paper is crumpled in his fist before he can read the expressions of condolences, he didn´t care for them anyway. The scream that leaves his lungs goes unregistered by his own ears, but it is heard by many others.

Little did he know that at approximately the same time a very alive and unpregnant you received a similar letter. Stating that there had been a disaster too cruel to recount to you, that there weren´t many survivors. However, Sihtric was not amongst them. Leaving behind only tear-stained nights and dreams of what could have been.

It felt like your life stopped the moment you had opened the envelope. An unending numbness filled your body. Each month you had known Sihtric converted to a year of mourning his loss and you weren´t sure what was worse. The longing and yearning for nothing more than to have him back with you under any circumstances, not talking, eating or sleeping at all or far too much. The inner coldness no matter how many layers of clothes or furs you wore, that only got worse the more the sun shone. Or realising that life had to move and allowing yourself to live again. Even in just small ways. The first time you actually ate, slept, went about your day as before, the first time Finan managed to make you laugh for the first time in what felt like forever send you spiralling all over again. But you allowed yourself to be comforted by the Irish man, who had a seemingly way easier time handling the news than you did.

“How do you do it?” You asked him one afternoon as you sat together.

“How do I do what?” Came the fairly confused question back.

“Be so fine to live on without him. Laugh. It feels like he took even the colours of the world away when he died.” You mutter the forgotten context into the room.

“Ah…” Finan makes a quiet sound of recognition, thinking deeply about his next words. “I believe it is because we all have made our piece with the fact long ago. Our lives were never quite as safe as yours, especially out on the sea, where every storm could mean the end if you are not careful.”

“Oh…” You feel stupid for your answer or perhaps even asking the question, but you didn´t know what else to say.

Silence settles over the two of you again like a stone slab.

“It is so hard to believe that he is supposed to be gone and I am still here, having to go on. He was so sweet; he did not deserve this.” Your eyes begin to burn, though you aren´t sure if it is from tears of the past or present.

“I know.” There isn´t much more Finan can answer.

“I love him so much still.” Your voice nearly gives out under the familiar knot that builds in your throat.

“I know.” Finan pulls you onto his lap, to lay your ear on his chest.

The gesture had always comforted you when you cried over the thought of Sihtric leaving one day. He had let you listen to his heart to remind you that he would always be there for you. If not in physical form, then in soul and heart.

“You need only to close your eyes and think back to this moment. Then you will know I am still with you.” Your Dane lover had rasped into your ear and for as long as you thought him alive you lived by it.

When you eventually met a new man, you couldn´t help but to compare him to Sihtric and find he was different in so many ways. Naturally. He was still nice and caring and funny, but even the beating of his heart was different to Sihtrics. Not only because it was there, but the rhythm it drummed against his ribcage was fundamentally so contrasting. The way his arms wrapped around you felt different and you have to confront the fact that things would never feel the same. Yet over time the strong, vibrant pulse began to drown out the steady beat you fell in love with. And so, when you allowed for people to enter your heart again, the wish of being able to be okay with living became a wish to share your life more intimately with the man than before. After all, he had made every effort possible to make you as happy as his former crew mate would have. And though you had sworn to only ever love one man, you were overjoyed when the man proposed to you. Or at least that was how you interpret the way your own heart, which had thawed entirely only shortly ago, beat a few deep pulses before returning to normal. The ceremony is arranged to be held by father Beocca at your future husbands house, your friends help you into the dress, braid flowers into your hair and do their best to calm your nerves and dry your tears. But still when it is time to leave for the ceremony, you are unsure if you are truly ready.

At approximately the same time a boat arrives at the docks. On it Uhtred, Sihtric and the rest of the crew. It had been so long, yet seeing the town made Sihtric´s throat tighten as memories of you flood his mind. He had almost obsessively studied the last letter containing information of your status and it had been too painful to return. But Uhtred was right. He couldn´t let that hurt take control over his life. So now he found himself wandering through the greenfield the two of you had spent so much time laying close, talking about everything and nothing all the same. The tavern you met at. Even just the town square and lastly… your home. Where, if it hadn´t already, all the colour would have drained from the Dane´s face. It felt like a hallucination at first. One that took away his voice and nearly made him fall to his knees. The desperation for the moment to be real wore him down as if someone had slit open his stomach, put boulders into it and sewed it shut again. He stumbles and almost falls multiple times, calling your name until you turn to see him.

“Sihtric…” You whisper and slap a hand over your mouth, getting the attention of the women surrounding you. The bouquet in your hands falls to the ground in favour of them grabbing and lifting the skirt of your dress to pull it up out of the way of your feet. The whispers around are drowned out by a high-pitched ringing in your ears and without having to think about it, your feet carry you towards the only man you ever loved.

Once his arms wrap around you it is like something shakes the fundament of the earth. The world becomes more colourful again, air fully fills your lungs for the first time in forever and the tears that burn in your eyes are for once uncoined by grief, yet the sense of longing, that had plagued your soul for so long, prevailed. The scent of wet wood and musk fills your nose, followed by the comforting undertones of honey and black pepper to soothe your mind.

“You are real…” Sihtric is the one to speak first.

“The much more pressing question here is how you are alive?” You answer, leaning back in his arms to look at his face as your hands cup his face. Even feeling the skin under your finger pads couldn´t completely convince you that this moment was real.

“Me? How are you still alive?” Sihtric´s eyebrows knit together tightly, the frown on his lips deepening further in confusion.

By now a small cluster of people had collected, watching the reunion and whispering behind their hands a small distance away. In search of an answer, you turn to them, hoping to find your future husband, so he could give an explanation, but he seemed to still wait inside. Unaware of what was going on. Unaware of what was going to happen soon.

“Me? You were the one that stopped writing first. And then I got a letter that said… It said that you...” It´s too hard to actually say the words, but Sihtric understands nevertheless.

He is just about to say something, when the door to your home opened and Finan stepped out, assumingly to look where you were, eyes widening at the sight of his friend. Yet there is no time for any more reunion feelings, as the Irish man is closely followed by your husband to be.

Sihtric´s eyes widen in understanding before yours do and you have a hard time holding him back, but the men just have too much strength. The Dane lands a hard punch in the man´s face, splitting his lip with his knuckles and drawing some blood. There are screams heard from the crowd and immediately a handful of men have to pull them apart before anything worse happens.

“Stop it! Stop it this instant you two!” You scream repeatedly at the top of your lungs, yet it still takes a while until the spirits have been calmed enough to at least have the two men not struggle against the men parting them anymore.

However, there is no way to get an explanation from anyone as they continue to scream at each other from a distance. Spouting insults that you had never heard before in your life.

Then Sihtric silences everyone with three powerful yet simple words. “Make the square!”

There are protests from several of the men, but in the end, everything goes all too fast. You are frozen to the ground you are standing on, so Finan pulls you aside. Sihtric presses a kiss to your lips and mutters a promise that your brain is unable to register. All you can focus on is the weapons being drawn. Your brain doesn´t even register the hot tears that stream down your cheeks and stain the fabric of the dress. The first sound of the blades meeting each other, has you burying your face in Finan´s chest, resounding in your ears horrifically. You can´t stand to watch most of it, shaking and flinching with every sound of blades clashing or pained scream. You have to force yourself to watch eventually when you can´t deal with the anxiety and uncertainty anymore. Frantic eyes searched for Sihtric. Finding him, covered in dirt, blood and panting, but still standing and to your relief with a good chance at winning. Though you don´t allow yourself to cheer like the others yet. There is still too much shock in your bones, too many unresolved questions plaguing your mind. You manage to get so caught up in your thoughts, that you only come to, when the fight seems to be close to over. Luckily in favour of your one true love, which now stands above the man you were about to marry, a dagger you hadn´t noticed the Dane carrying before, to his throat. From the distance you can see the raw fear in the man´s widely opened eyes and rapidly rising and sinking chest, clawing at the Danes wrist to get him to let go of the weapon to no avail. That fear quickly morphs to relief, exhaled in a deep breath and relaxing facial features, when Sihtric puts the dagger into the ground beneath his head, the blade sticking out upright. Only to morph back into the purest horror just as quickly as before, when the first fist swiftly comes down onto his face. A crack can be heard when the knuckles make contact with the bridge of the nose, thus breaking it without even batting an eye.

Air suddenly floods your lungs in a gasp at the cracking sound, but silently find yourself cheering on your one true love more and more as time passes. Your own body doesn´t listen to you anymore. Your eyes are dead focussed on the sight of his fist making contact with the face over and over and over again, even long after the resistance had stopped and he had clearly won as his opponent’s face was nothing more than bloody pulp. It was gruelling, haunting to see, but your head would have refused to turn away even if you had wanted it to. So, you continue watching and watching and watching until it becomes glaringly clear that Sihtric is not going to stop anytime soon. You aren´t the only one to have that realisation, it glimmers in Finan and Uhtred´s eyes as well. The two men pull their friend off the lifeless body and you are by his side in an instant. Cupping his face in your firm, but gentle hands, your eyes searching his until they make contact and in the corner of your field of vision you see the way his chest rises slow down.

“You have to stop now. It is over.” You urge him in a sore voice falling to your knees in front of him. “You won. It is over now.”

The Dane looks deep into your eyes, allowing your voice and words to soothe him, yet the anger took the ability to think clearly or speak from him still. Finan and Uhtred let him go and you can fall into his arms again without a care in the world about the pristine, white dress becoming dirty as well. All that matters is feeling Sihtric in your arms now as you keep murmuring to him. His entire body starts to tremble under the familiar touch and so does yours. You squeeze your eyes shut and pull him in tighter. You have trouble believing your own words. It doesn´t entirely feel over yet. Fear still gnaws on your heart, that he could vanish from your hold to leave behind nothing but a cloud of smoke and the pain of being awoken from yet another dream tricking you into thinking things hadn´t resolved in your favour. Fear that it was real, but he would be taken from you one day once more. The two of you likely couldn´t be further from having won. Or else, you think, the tears that now flow freely down both your faces to wet the others clothes wouldn´t be so bitter.

[ennikity]

❤𝘕𝘪-𝘬𝘪 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯... 𝘉𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘞𝘪𝘴𝘩 ❤ ☽𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦: 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧☾ ☽𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴: 𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘱☾

...And with a smile, the boy ended the live.

-Good job- a member of the staff said- You can go home now, the rest of the members said that they wanted to practice a bit more, but you should go home and rest.

Ni-ki nodded, and saw how the staff members dessapeared, one by one. Then, he took a look at the live set. The balloons and the rests of the cake gave the room a happy athmosphere, but it didn't match with how he was feeling.

It's not that he wasn't happy, after all, it was his 18th birthday. But it was as if all that joy he had felt the night before, thinking about how he was going to spend his birthday had dessapeared. The day hadn't even gone that bad, since he had had time to spend with his members and even with you. However, he couldn't stop thinking about that sad feeling inside his chest. He didn't want to be selfish, after all, the members and you had rearenged all your schedules to throw him a little party, but he felt that, for all of you, that day wasn't as special as for him. Even if he didn't show it, Ni-ki had been waiting for december 9 for a really long, long time. He was finally an adult, and that ment that he could do all those cool things that his hyungs made, and people would finally stop seeing him as the baby of the group. So seeing that the rest weren't as excited as him kinda disappointed him.

-I have to stop thinking this way- the boy whispered to himself- I should be grateful instead. The all made big efforts to be with me today and, after all, it's just a birthday. How can I be so childish?

But still, when he left the room, his heart was as heavy as his footsteps.

On the way to where the car was waiting for him to go home, he passed infront of the studio where the memebers were still practicing. He could hear voices and the sound of one of their oldest songs form there, wich surprised him a bit, because they weren't working on any old song at that moment. Ni-ki thougth about entering the room to tell them that he was leaving, but he didn't want to disturb, so he just passed by, saying a quiet "goodbye" to them. It had been a long day, and he couldn't wait to go home.

[...]

The house was cold and dark when he arrived, but he didn't switch on the lights. Passing by the silent living room and kitchen, he went directly to his room, without looking at anything else aside from the dark corridor infront of him. The familiar room greeted the boy, and only then he felt a bit better. He sat on his bed, the same that had seen him cry sometimes, but also the same that knew all those nights he had spent talking and laughing with the members, as if they were 12 years old again. The memories that those walls held started to fill Ni-ki's mind, and, for the first time, he wasn't sure about turning an adult. After all, what could assure him that everything was going to stay the same? He didn't want nothing to change, those three years had been the best part of his life, and even tho turning 18 didn't ment that things would be different, was that fully true?

He sighed, deep in those thoughts, but when he tried to lay down, his head collided with something he hadn't seen before. He turned on the lights and, for the first time, he could see the box waiting beside him. He took it with both hands, curiosity leading his moves. It was a medium sized, light blue box, with a white ribbon on top of it. A hand written note told him for who it was: Ni-ki.

He opened it, carefully, and took a look at the inside. A thick book and an envelope is all he found. He took the book first, and when he opened it, it was as if a hurricane of memories escaped from it. It was a photo book filled whit pictures from before his debut to those last weeks. Moments with his members were captured in those pages, but also precious moments with you, since the day you started dating to the last afternoon you had spent together. It was as if all the good things that had happened to him were put together in that book, and the boy felt a wave of happiness and gratefulness inside him. All of you were his family now, and he couldn't wish for anything better.

He was going to put the book back in it's box when he remembered the envelope. With a nervous heart, he took the letter inside of it, and recognized your handwriting the moment he saw it. Taking a deep breath, he started to read.

To our best boy, Ni-ki:

If you are reading this, it means that is finally December 9, so happy birthday! The members and I wanted to do something special for you, and we thought about something that you could keep, that's why we are writing this letter.

Honestly, we don't have much to say, except that we can't believe that you are already 18. We swear that yesterday you were still the little boy who slept everywhere and always followed the members wherever they went. And look at you now, taller than everyone else, with a successful career and the luck to say that you made your dream come true. We couldn't be more proud of you, and we mean it with all our heart. Specially because during these 3 years there were some difficult moments where we couldn't protect you all we would like to, or make you feel better. You had to overcome some hard times, but you were able to stand up again, and that says a lot of you.

However, despite all those moments, when we look at you, we still see the same boy who get's happy just by seeing a puppy, the same boy who can't hide a smile when he dances, and the same one who never, ever gave up on his dream. We know that you could't wait to turn 18, but please, never change. We couldn't imagine our lifes without your smiley face every time you prank us, or the way you always try your best to impress us, even if there's nothing about you we wouldn't be impressed about. Your are a very important part of us, and we feel the happiest for being able to make our story with you. Ni-ki, you are going to go very far, so don't forget that we always got your back, not only as teammates, but also as friends (and as a girlfriend!) This photo book shows the journey we have already walked, but promise us that we wil continue making good memories together for a really long time. And promise too to keep being the happy little boy we love, because we can't imagine our lifes without you.

With love,

The members and Y/N.

Tears were already rolling down Ni-ki's face when he finished reading. That letter was like the warmest hug he ever had, and it just filled him with the most pure joy and...

-See? I told ya, he was going to cry- a sudden, and familiar, voice said behind him.

The boy turned around, just to find Enha members and you smiling warmly at him. Everyone could tell the emotion in your eyes when you looked at him.

Ni-ki tried to say something, but the tears didn't let him.

-Awww, we didn't mean to make you cry- you said softly before reaching the boy and hugging him.

Feeling your arms around him and the confort of your presence made te boy cry even more. You pat his head gently, trying to calm him, and then the members joined the hug too. It was a moment that would stay in your hearts for a very long time.

-I thought that you were still practicing- Ni-ki said when he finally stopped and the eight of you broke the hug.

-And not celebrate you turning 18?- Heeseung asked.

-But you already threw me a party.

-Did you really thought that we wouldn't make nothing more special for your birthday?- Jake said.

-We know how much you've waited for this day, one party wasn't enough!- Sunoo added.

-I thought that it wasn't that important - he mumbled.

-Dude, you just turned 18, how on earth wouldn't we think it wasn't important?- this time, it was Jay the one speaking.

-You are our maknae, everything involved with you is important for us- Sunghoon added.

Those words would be stuck on Ni-ki's heart for a long time, but for the moment, the only thing he was able to do was smile, trying to not let the tears out again. Noticing this, you caressed his hand, trying to give the boy some confort. The way the tears dessapeared after that let you know that it had worked.

-So, do you want to see what we've prepared? -Jungwon said with a smile.

-Wait, there's more?

-Of course there is! But you have to close your eyes first if you want to discover it- you said this time, pulling out of your pocket a pice of fabric- May I?

Ni-ki nodded, leaning closer to you so you could place it arround his head.

-Ok, that's it. Now stand up and follow me- you added, talking the boy's hands between yours.

Ni-ki did as you told him, and when he felt the warmth of your hands, couldn't help but smile. If you were the one guiding him, he would follow you to the end of the world.

When both of you started walking, he felt how you took him across the corridor, past the kitchen and trough the living room. It was incredible how those same rooms had seem cold and dark some minutes ago, but now that he knew that you and the boys were with him, there weren't anymore.

Ni-ki felt how you stopped in what he thougt was the living room. Everything was so still that, for a second, it looked as if all of you had left. The sound of your voice prove him that it wasn't true.

-Are you ready?

The boy nodded, and then he felt how you removed the fabric from his eyes.

For the first seconds, everything was dark, and the switched off lights didn't help at all. However, when his eyes adapted to the ambience, the surprise all of you had been talking about appeared in front of him.

-Mum?- Ni-ki whispered, not being able to do something more- Dad? Why are you here? How are you here?

You watched as the boy kept turning to his parents and then to the members, who were filming secretly the moment.

-Stop asking and go and say hi- you laughed as you pushed him towards his family- There will be time for explanations.

The boy did as you said, and soon he was part of a long hug with his mum, dad and even his sisters, who had come too.

-Aww, they look so happy- Sunoo said.

-I'm sure Ni-ki wasn't expecting this- Jungwon smiled.

-Guys, I feel like I'm going to cry too- Jake added.

-Don't you dare, if you cry we will all end up crying- Jay asnwered him.

-That's right- you chukled.

Some moments later, Ni-ki broke the hug and turned to where the members and you were standing.

-So, are you going to tell me how you've done all this?- he asked, signaling, not only his family, but also the fully decorated room and the cake he hadn't seen before.

-Easy- Heeseung said- We left the company early to prepare the house and to make sure Jay had enough time to make the cake.

-But I heard you practicing before living.

-That was just an old live we asked the manager to play to make you think that we were still there- Sunghoon said proudly.

-However, what we had planned wasn't this- Jake intervened- We were waiting here hidden because we thought that you would turn on the lights when you entered the house, and we could shout, you know, "surprise" or something. But you went directly to you room and saw the present that we were supposed to give you later.

-So we had to change our plans- Sunoo laughed.

-I had no idea- Ni-ki smiled.

-And about your family... It was Y/N's idea, actually- Jungwon continued- She was the one who contacted them, searched the flights and even went to pick them up at the airport this morning.

-Really?- Ni-ki asked, looking at you with shiny eyes.

-Well, I didn't want you to celebrate your 18 birthday far from your family- you answered with a smile.

-You are all the best, seriouslly- the boy said, and you could all feel the emotion on his voice.

-So, now that we are all here, who want's a piece of cake- Jay asked- I haven't been all afternoon baking for nothing.

You all agreed to that, so you gathered arround the cake, waiting for Ni-ki to make a wish. And it was at that moment, when the boy realized that there was nothing he could wish for, because he already had everything he needed: a caring familly that didn't mind coming all the way from Japan just to spend some hours with him, hyungs that always made sure he felt like home, and you, a girlfriend who always knew how to make him happy and that, without realizing, had become his safe place.

Please, stay always by my side.

He asked the candels before blowing them.

And it was sure to say, that his birthday wish would come true.

Note:

Hi everyone! Today I wanted to post something special to celebrate Ni-ki's birthday, even tho I'm not very satisfied with how it turned out. The only part I trully like is the one when he reads the letter. Maybe I cried a bit writing it, but who wouldn't. I still can't believe he is already an adult, time goes by really fast.

Anyway, I hoped you liked it, and let's keep supporting the boys and our precious maknae forever <3

See you!

[greenstudies]

Study session essentials

I’ve probably made a post like this before but I’m getting better at studying and so here are my tips on how to have a more effective study sessions. Keep in mind that I am neurodivergent and I can usually do 2 hours of work in 3,5 hours on a good day. I still procrastinate and struggle a lot, but these things help significantly:

Ambience of my current obsession - I love game background noise and ambient music. They keep me focused and entertained without distracting me in anyway. Recently I’ve been having a witcher 3 ambience or “walking in red dead redemption 2″ videos in my headphones

Open-back headphones - I have tinnitus and so noise canceling headphones are not an option. And for a while I didn’t want to wear any headphones until someone got me big open-back ones that don’t seal me away from surrounding noise and absolutely perfect

Putting my phone in a different room - Just put it away. The forest app or putting it out of reach/sight can be good options if you need your phone around but otherwise putting it far is the best option.

Specific study space - For me personally I have to sit at my desk. Studying on my bed or sofa is never as effective as I need

Clean space - Cluttered space means cluttered mind and worse I feel more easily depressed

A toy for my hands - I need to hold something, feel something, look at something. It helps avoid scrolling and it keeps me entertained while my brain does the hard work. It also helps with stimming if I get overwhelmed. I keep around rocks, palm sized plushies, small wooden hearts and animal figurines.

Paper for thoughts - I always have a piece of paper nearby that I scribble thougths, notes and tasks on. This way when I get an idea I just write it down and deal with it during my break. When I remember something I have to do or want to do, think an anxious thought or just need to scribble it goes on the paper.

Candle - I’m a bit afraid of fire and having a candle burning helps me stay in the room because I don’t like leaving it there burning. I like to pick weaker, clean smells like cotton or vanilla. Watching it burn can be very calming too.

Water/juice/iced tea - I always start with a full glass so I don’t have to get up and get water too often

Cup of tea - Besides having a glass of water I always have a warm cup of green or black tea

Snacks - I usually keep an apple or a banana around so I have to leave the room as little as possible. Hunger is usually a good excuse to leave and this is a great way to eliminate it.

Gum - Chewing is very calming for me which usually means I overeat just so I can chew. Sugar-free gum solves this well. I usually need only one since I don’t quite care about the taste as much as the act of chewing. Be careful not to have too many!

Hot water bottle - When I’m stressed and tired my face tenses up a lot and having something warm to put on my face helps a lot. It makes my muscles relax and I often avoid a headache this way.

Medication - I keep my asthma and anxiety meds around. Sometimes studying can really stress me out and it’s good to have those on hand

I hope you find these helpful and have a great day!

[kronoose]

glenn goes home

It hasn't been long since they had returned to Earth

Everyone seemed to be settling back into their previous lives Henry had already gone back to work. The kids were back in school all in therapy for obvious reasons, even Darryl had settled back into the calmer life of being a house husband

But Glenn hadn't even returned to the place he'd called home since he'd left for the game which feels like ages ago. he knew would be so different from what he remembered but there was only so long he could stay in hotels And dodge questions about how it felt to finally sleep in his own bed again.

But eventually the dreaded day arrived he had a gig and needed to get his equipment.he walked up to his house and stood with his hand on the knob for much longer than needed trying to brace himself for this moment, he took a long drag from his blunt Then opened the door he hesitated before stepping in still half expecting to hear the sounds of Nick practicing or gaming the dead quiet house was eery as the rocker stepped in flicking on the lights looking around at the house that was so familiar yet not right there was a lack of kid mess not that much of the mess was ever Nicks. He headed to grab his gear tears forming in his eye as he passed the fridge the art that had become visual background noise over the years was gone it wasn't even a particularly good piece of art but it was still fridge worthy because Nick had been proud of it so Glenn enjoyed it to. He quickly wiped away the tears and continued going to get his gear. Glenn looked down at his phone as it went off it was the group chat they'd set up to keep in touch easier it was mostly himself and Henry with occasional random stuff from Ron

It's was Ron if we're being honest probably Samantha confirming movie night that weekend Glenn sent back a thumbs up before setting it to play some music and placing it on the counter before starting to dust off his gear going through the tedious process of cleaning everything. he got lost as he cleaned it was midway through the wheels he took a moment to stretch his sexy old man back.

As he looked around he catches a glimpse of his christmas tree 'it looked so empty' was his only thougth before Glenn fell to his knees and curled in on himself openly sobbing for the first time in far to long he stayed on the floor properly mourning the life he had it wasn't until he hears his phone ring and a knock at the door that he even attempted to snap up the mask back into place

[godteri-takk]

Ok i got idea for question totally not inspired by certain something

If you had to say what place your mind would be, how would you describe it? Like, meadow, city etc. Go wild, im asking for science

i have no idea what you're hinting at BUT thats a fun question!

I think it'd be like the inside of a space ship, with lots of windows and different rooms and corridors and shelves and closets full of stuff, cus like different types of thougths, imaginations, feelings and memories all feel different to have and recall, right? For example, diving into a deep, all consuming daydream would be like going into a pool and putting on a VR headset of sorts, cus the daydream is so consuming I dont notice the world around me (body in pool) and it's comlitelty life-realistic complete with ligthing, sounds, texture feeling, visuals in any style i'd like and shifts in perspective (VR). Remebering memories about life is like reacing into a box full of clutter while remembering facts and academic memories is looking thru books in a huge white library with transculent walls.

so yeah, isolated spaceship full of stuff. what about you?

[puppys-tiny-space]

What is ageregression?

In this post I will be explaining what ageregression is, why it helps, who recommends it and in which ways it migth occur as a symptom. TW for talk of trauma, abuse, neglect and kink.

1. What is ageregression?

Ageregression is a coping mechanism or symptom usually connected to mental health issues, brain injury or dementia. It simply means that an individual acts like a younger age, usually the person reverts back to this child/childlike mindset, sometimes even on cognitive levels, cussing them to lose control over certain body functions. This can present in multiple ways, for an example in speech difference, using a pacifier, playing with toys, using/needing to use diapers or training pants etc. The amount of time reverted can be any age younger then hier biologcal one but is often 0-13.

2. What causes someone to ageregress?

Ageregression can be cause by a multitude of things, when used as a coping mechanism it is often used by individuals with childhood trauma such as abuse, neglect, sexual abuse etc. Those individuals can use it as a means to relieve their childhood in a happier way or to recreate a time in which they felt safer. Ageregression can also be caused by mental health disorders like (c-)ptsd, bpd, bipolar, anxiety, depression and DID. There are also certain other neurological reasons to experince ageregression like dementia and long term effects of neurological injuries. Disabled people migth also regress to relive an accomidaten childhood.

3. Who recommends agere, how is it used?

A majority of mental health professionals reccomend regression as a means to self regulate, even for those without "typical" childhoods to suggest it. It is a common symptom of a multitude of preexisting mental health struggled and embracing it can often immensely help patients struggling with it naturally. Ageregression is often used as a coping mechanism from patients on their own but in some cases is also used within a therapeutic setting to work with a patients inner child or as a form of hypnotherapy.

4. Is ageregression the same as ageplay?

No it is not! From the outside it migth seem that way and while they do have a few similarites but ageregression is not sexual! Due to it often being a way to cope with trauma individuals may struggle with unwanted intrusive thougths when regressed but those are not a reflection of the persons desires! Ageplay is a kink with power dynamics and power exchange, while soem do use it as a coping mechanism it is not the same as ageregression and should be kept seperate from each other at all times! An ageplay er is not literally reffering back to a child/childlike mindset when engaging in sexual acts, they are simply pretending! Never ever try to be sexual with a regressor, they are most likely in the mindset of an actual kid!

5. How can I help someone who regresses?

If you know someone who regresses or want to try it yourself the best you can do is talk with them! See how they want to be treated and how they want you to treat the topic, they migth appreciate being able to share that part of them with someone but it could also be that they do not wish to and want to keep it private. Some regressors have a person in their life to help care for then when regressed, that person is usually called a caregiver and acts as a sort of parental role when the person is within that headspace, it can be anyone from a friend, romantic partner or even relative. If the person trust you and you would feel like you mfoth benefit from caring for someone you can suggest taking over that role from them! No matter what you do never shame then for it or sexualize them, try to understand them and why they chose to heal this way.

6. My child regresses, what do I do?

First like I mentioned above, do not shame them! Do not get angry and ground yourself before talking to them, your past behaviour migth be reason they regress and it migth not be. Calmly talk to them about it, you can ask them why they regress and if you should have done things differently whne they were younger, do not yell ro tell them to grow up! Simply listen and offer support however that migth look like, it could be simply letting them be!

7. What do all the terms mean?

Agere = Ageregression

Regressor/little = someone who regresses

CG = someone caring for a regressed person

Agedre = agedreaming or half regression

Age range = the ages someone regresses to

Headspace = someone's regression

paci = a pacifier

sibby = another regressor someone has a close, sibling like, relationship to

This post is meant as a tool to explain regression to those outside of the community including friends, parents, romantic partners and anyone you want to educate about it! It is quiet surface level in some parts so if you tell sowmeoem ans they have more questions you feel overwhelmed to answer feel free to dm me.

This post is a bit different to my usual things, I hope you like it!

[powwidge]

some musings about Octopath Traveler 1 and how the travelers aren't the main characters

since someone else in the tag has already addressed the issue of unfair criticism towards Octopath Traveler 1 i would like to quickly address as to why i think people judge OT1 on a very false level storytellign wise. also i'm hyperfixating on OT and need to put my thougths somewhere.

tl;dr: the 8 travelers are not the main cahracters - they just happen to be the protagonists, so judging them in terms of how non-mc they are is false

because what i mostly see criticized is the storytelling; and while to some extents that's valid (little interaction between the travelers esp as opposed to OT2 (mind u i love OT1 dearly!!)), I often see the argument of "some stories feel much less relevant than others. they're not interconnected. some of them don't seem to have much purpose or anything."

and see the thing is... I am very convicned that was wanted.

because the 8 travelers are not the main characters in Octopath 1 - that's Graham Crossford and Kit Crossford. just think about it; the entire story centers around esp Graham and then later Kit. The entire thing plays out like a story of a child searching for his father and uncovering all the things he did, finding connections to a lost parent and trying to save him. it's a classic, stereotypical story even, so much to the point that i see it reflected in multiple (esp japanese) works. Because Kit is the protagonist lookign for a father lost who once attempted to save the kingdom and his family and failed. you even get the dead mom prompt; like c'mon, everyone here who's seen fmab prob knows that one! u find it all over both western and eastern and southern media.

So, who are the travelers then?

they're just people. people who happen to be the protagonists at hand; some of them more classic than others and more directly related to the plot around Kit and Graham (Primrose (because of the Crows), Olberic (becuase of Hornburg), Therion (because of the dragonstones), Ophelia (because of Matthias)), others simply more or less loosely affected by it (Tressa (receiving Graham's diary), Alfyn (beign highly influenced by Graham), Ha'anit (affected by Graham's mistakes) and Cyurs (too interested in a book he shouldn't be interested in)). You just happen to play as these people, who, in the end, all find out that they have one thing in common - their lives have been affected by Graham and, in the end, by Kit Crossford, too, whom they have to save. only in the last fight against Galdera do they actually become the main characters, even marked by the common "fighting against a dark god" kind of jrpg stereotype which, in all fairness, is also found in western media of all kinds. they step in as main characters when Kit fails to be one - because what kind of main character has to get saved and can't save themselves (classical stereotype talking obv)?

I just feel like judging the traveler's story for having "little relevance" or anythign of the like is wrong; they're people. they're 8 different people, picked to be protagonists, who, sure, i would've loved to see more interaction between, but first and foremost they're people like me and you and that's what makes them relatable.

Octopath Traveler 1 is not a story about being a main character; it's a story about WATCHING a main character (Kit) from an outsider's perspective and that is SUCH an interesting approach that i would personally never slander it, even if execution in some bits and pieces is most certainly lacking.

[hyohaehyuk]

Note: The video is just a cut of the live. i think this was a paid content in some app so to see the full thing you will need to pay :(

i also found this really small cut on twitter (via RakKenshin) and on bilibili (with better quality)

TAKA & TAKERU SATOH’S CONVERSATION PROJECT - PRIMAL FOOTMARK EXCLUSIVE LIVE STREAM TRANSLATION (2022/02/07)

"Today is the 3rd live PF stream, and Taka’s first time to host one of these. They’re doing the stream from a radio studio. Even if they do a stream with all the members, Taka is usually the one who ends up talking the entire time, so this time they’re trying something new.

The theme is Taka and having a guest Taka wants to talk with. For the first guest, it has to be Taka’s bestie Satoh Takeru

Taka’s brother has been on TV a lot lately, and it would seem like Taka’s family is good at talking

When Taka jacked Miura Shouhei’s YouTube stream, they ended up talking a lot about things they shouldn’t have talked about. They can’t talk about the same things and need to be more serious for this stream. …Cuz they’re paying Takeru 🤣 By more serious. I mean they need to really think about what they talk about

They’re not going to talk about how Takeru saw OOR at a culture festival and became a fan that way

They thougth about talking about love, and Takeru asked Taka if he’s ever had a one-sided love. Taka said he has, which surprised Takeru a lot (Note: this is in the video above)

Takeru’s explaining to Taka what a one-sided love is, like thinking about the girl when going to sleep, wondering how they feel about you, etc, and now Taka says he’s never felt that way. 😅

Taka hasn’t dated in a while so he doesn’t know the feeling. In Taka’s case, he feels like, instead of confessing to someone and starting to go out that way, he just hangs out with them a lot and naturally they end up dating. Taka isn’t the type to come out and announce to everyone around him that he’s seeing someone.

This is hilarious. Takeru is like a love master here 😂 Taka doesn’t really have any stories about love and is wanting to change the topic haha. Takeru’s hanging on

Taka does like someone who is has a good head on their shoulders

What is Takeru’s favorite OOR song?

That’s hard to answer. The Kenshin songs are special to him. He likes Kanjou Effect, and probably likes rock ballads. Taka hasn’t had a song that made him go “this is it” since “The Beginning”. Not including Kenshin songs, Takeru likes “Living Dolls”

*talks about wherever you are*

Taka: what are we talking about? wasn't it your fave song? we didn't even talk on living dolls

Takeru has seen a lot of different concerts at Zepp, but OOR is the only band he feels where the Zepp might have come crashing down

It was tough for Taka performing without an audience.

During “Liar,” Takeru’s like, “Oh noooo!! He’s (Taka’s) dying! He might not be able to continue singing after this!” 😂

Back in the day, even if Taka gives it his all and doesn’t think about the next day, once the tour is over, he can rest, but now when they tour, the tours are so long that it’s hard to sing carelessly like that

From Takeru’s POV, he feels even foreigners can feel OOR’s passion

Taka feels they have to perform this year overseas. Takeru thinks an acoustic live might be good since it would be quieter and people wouldn’t be shouting.

Taka is pretty over covid now 😅 It’s pretty clear that he wants to perform in front of an audience

Taka is wondering about how some people in the audience are doing nowadays. There’s one person who is always diving. Taka remembers their face cuz they’re endlessly rolling up to the front 😂😂😂 Takeru’s like, “They’re not listening to the music.” This fan bumped into Taka on the street once, and they were totally different than at concerts when they’re diving. Taka is curious about how people like this are doing where the only place they can relieve stress is at concerts.

Taka is asking Takeru what he thinks the entertainment industry is missing. Takeru says that Hollywood is in the English-speaking world so it’s hard to make something that compares to that, but he feels they should be able to make something comparable to what Korea puts out. Korea is also in Asia like Japan, so he feels they should be able to make something comparable, and he’s thankful to Korea for making the Western world look at Asia

The Koreans are really serious and passionate, and that’s why they’re able to make their mark even in America. Takeru says the Koreans are blazing the path and that Asia/Japan and learn from them

Takeru feels Japan can’t completely copy Korea right away. What they come up with now is like what Korea was putting out 10 years ago. They need to build up the foundation and work from there. Takeru says what Japan needs is a star. It’s humans who tell the story, afterall, so Japan needs someone that the world can recognize. The people that Japanese people consider a star might be seen differently by foreigners. Taka suggests viewers check out Katsu Shintaro. He considers him a star

Taka: takeru is like bae yong-joon.

It isn’t about copying the people you want to be though, but finding yourself and making a place for yourself

Takeru just called Taka “Takapin.” 😂 Takeru wants everyone to try Taka’s curry. “Wanna sell Takapin Curry?” 😂

Takeru thinks that when Taka is in his 70s or 80s, he’ll be running a restaurant 🤣 They’ll be out eating yakiniku, and all of a sudden Taka will be making sushi. Taka has a lot of connections so he’ll probably have the best ingredients. Taka says maybe when he can’t sing anymore he’ll consider it 😅

Takeru is going to ask Taka something everyone probably wants to hear. He asked which artist Taka has his eyes on right now. Taka has no interest right now in people who make their way up the traditional way. He’s currently interested in those who become known via social etc Taka’s watching a lot of TikTok, Instagram, etc. nowadays. He wants people to give him suggestions of who to check out

Takeru said that there hasn’t been an artist like OOR to come out recently. Taka says it’s a cycle and one comes out every x years. Last artist that made Taka feel that way was Hosomi Takeshi and ELLEGARDEN. Orange Range also comes to mind

They’re talking about who to have as guest next, and a name was mentioned but it was right when the stream skipped a bit so I missed who they said. Oh, looking through the chat log, it looks like they were talking about Yonezu Kenshi?? Maybe we’ll see him on the next live stream?

Taka is promoting the new Primal Footmark. Ooh, it has photos from the acoustic live and recording in the studio"

credit: crosswithyou and subject10969

[thewritersaddictions]

Drabble: Joel Miller- Dad Jokes

Did Joel always have such a rough exterior? Yeah, he did with people that he didn't know, or while he was trying desperately trying to keep himself protected.

Joel was a creature of habit. A set of things that made him comfortable, but now that had been taken and ripped away from him. Right in front of him, in his arms, he had the joy of life sucked out of him.

He stayed cold for many years. Cold to the touch and cold to the heart. Nothing not even what you thought he was supposed to sound or feel like was Joel anymore.

Joel tried for the longest time to keep emotions and anything that would or could hurt him at bay. emotions of his daughter dying in his arms. Shove that deep down in his chest, away from the burning light of the next morning sunrise. Knowing that he wasn't able to protect Tommy from joining the Firefiles. He shoved that one down too. Everything that was hurting him was shoved further and further into the pit of his stomach. It left Joel feeling heavy and angry.

The pain didn't stop there though. He turned numb and just like that he was trusted back into the realm of love and friendship. Tessa, god she was so damn straight with Joel. She was the sweetest person that Joel had met since his daughter Sarah. She was everything that kept him going even though he wanted nothing more than to be with his daughter once more.

But love is a bitch and she takes even the best things from people who don't deserve it. Tessa bit, too many emotions clouded Joel's mind as he tried to figure out how they had gotten here. How he had somehow ended up with a girl not far from Sarah ages when she passed away. How had he gotten here back to taking care of another person.

Sure Joel had tossed the idea around in his head. Was Ellie more than cargo or was she just that. Had Ellie and Joel's time together meant anything like his time with his daughter. There was that but there was also something different, For years Joel had yearned for that role of a protector all over again. He wanted someone who he could protect to make up for the loss of his daughter. Not a replacement but for forgiveness.

Maybe Ellie was that forgiveness, Maybe Sarah had in some god-like way Ellie in his path. Maybe Sarah was trying to help him come to a realization that the anger and self-pity could be turned into something worth it again. Something that would make a difference in the bleak world they now lived in.

It took longer then excepted for Joel to come around. For Joel to be comfrotable with Ellie being around him. Relying on him, wanting to learn more about the world that she had been lied to about by FEDRA

He gathered his thougths when he went to Bill and Franks. He didn't want to let her go, not to the tw ofo them. He was good friends with Frank and Bill, but he had been taking care of ellie for to long already now.

"Joel?" Ellie asks him softly in the dark night. "What Ellie?" "Do you have any dad jokes?" Ellie asks. She tired it's in her voice but still she asks through her long yawns. Pushng sleep away, Joel can't help but think back to sarah. his heart squezzes a little at the thought.

He remembers a few. A few of Sarahs favorite that her dad used to use on repeat. Sarah would laugh loudly. A hand on her stomach as it ached from laughing so damn much. Joel smiles at the thought of his daughter with a wide smile on her face, bright eyes that loved him. "yeah I think i've got a few in my back pocket. Why do you wanna know?" Joel asks Ellie. It rough on the extorit his question. He doens't mean to sound like an asshole that just how he sounds nowadays.

"Well will you tell me a few?!" Ellie says. Joel looks over at Ellie. The truck isn't that big but he's been looking up at the roof of the truck. When he turns Ellie looking at him with those child-like eyes. One that are waiting for adventure, ones that are waiting;yearning to grow up quicker then they have to.

"Cool it kid, but yeah." Joel says he gives a few seconds for the air between the two of them to cool down. "Have you ever heard the chocolate record player?" Ellie brows scuch together. Joel has to push down the smile growing rearing it ugly head. "It's pretty sweet!" Joel says finsihing the joke.

Ellie rolls her eyes. "Come on Joel you've got to have better ones!" Ellie complains. So, Joels thinks. "How do you make 7 even?" Joel asks. He's letting in the happiness spark by spark. 'Oh I know this one." Ellie says. Surpisingliy to Joel she get's it right. It reminds him of Sarah always a quick wit. "All you have to do is take the s away!" "Shit kid, you actually got that! Are you pulling my leg with these dad jokes?" Joel asks Ellie. She smiles and for a second there's a whole different person in the passenger seat next to him.

"Maybe Joel, but can you tell me one more?" Ellie asks a yawn interuptting her towards the end. "Sure kid." joel says. He starts thinking.

He's trying to think of one that will get a laugh out of Ellie. A deep, belly aching type of laugh out of her. He wants to see that same smile on Ellie face that he hadn't seen in more then twenty years. Joel wants to feel like he isn't here in the truck waiting and listening out for clickers or anything else that might be hauntig the both of them.

he wants to live in a dream for just a little longer. Joel wants to think and beilive that he's just driving across the country trying to find allthe best features that the country has to give. "okay Ellie, one more. Here we go," He looks over at her once more.

"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate." Joel can see the qucik looks cross over Ellie face, and then she's laughing. For what reason Joel doens't care. She laughng probably something she's never done not like this. She's a pure child, and for the first time in forever and a decade.

Joel feels happiness wrap around his cold heart.

Completed on: 02/22/23

Posted on: 02/22/23

Last Of Us-

A/n- This got out of hand, but I hope you enjoy a cute father x daughter between Joel and Ellie

[hyper-newt]

Comet Hook devlog #3

First prototype done !!!

-----------------------------

Other devlogs : 1 - 2- 3

-----------------------------

New devlog !!!

I finished the prototype and you can play it :)

(it is bad though, but that's the point ! i can see what works and what doesn't)

Here's what new down below :o

So first, i'm sorry for the lack of devlogs, I actually finished the prototype a month and a half ago, but I needed to tweak some stuff before releasing it. And uh college stuff and I had to study. But I have a break right now so here we are :)

I wanted to lock in to finish the prototype, it is quite rushed but it helps to fail faster. That's why I removed a bunch of animation and simplified some stuff so i could work more on the gameplay loop (and now it's your problem >:) ).

And so, here are some notable changes : (also some gif are from old builds of the game, so stuff are a bit different on the public prototype)

Fusing comets ! Replaces having multiple comets at the same time (Having multiples comets should be an upgrade, but heh too lazy to code it)

There's three type of upgrade right now :

D -> Defense (bunch of extra health)

A -> Attack (extra health + extra damage)

S -> Speed (extra health + extra speed)

The little number under the letter is its health. So when you hit a fish with the comet, only the first upgrade will be hurt.

You can have up to three upgrades at once.

Catch multiple fishes

Catching multiples fishes at the same time grants you a bigger and stronger comet ! Isn't that cool ? But now if you do bad at the minigame, it will end (you can see the fish health at the right, and yours at the left).

Also fishes stay stunned for a limited time now, so you can't catch all of them at the same time

The Shop

I will not speak about how it looks

But anyway, take a comet, throw it in the sell box, and take an item like a comet and throw it in the buy box ! easy

And if you want money outside of selling, there's some gold fishes swimming around that you can KILL for money <3

Mini bosses

You see these little red orbs ? Destroy all the fishes around it and it will be unlock.

Attack it again, and !!! A miniboss !!!

Catch them all and you'll finish the level

A map to explore with upgrades

These little thingy make you stronger (health, speed and attack), collect them !

An actual boss ! (no spoilers hehe)

niark niark you'll have to suffer through the whole prototype

Now that the prototype is done, here are my thougths on it

I think it's a bit too hard and not that much intuitive, it also doesn't feel that much like a fishing game :/

The fishing minigame is also kinda boring, but that's because I didn't bother coding something smart. Though I think I can make it better in an other way.

I'm not a big fan of the gameplay loop, having to fight some minibosses could be cool but the way I did it doesn't really work

And finally comets can get annoying ! At the end you have too much of them and that's a waste of performance + no one will go get the comets they left behind, so I do need to work on it.

I go a bit more in depth in the itch.io description :

So I'll make another prototype (but I'll remove the boss at the end, it isn't worth it for a prototype, but for a demo sure! )

And for the youtube video version of these devlogs, I learning to write music to not rely on copyrighted content but it takes time :(

Anyway I hope you'll still have fun playing it though (three out of four people that tried the game liked it, that's neat)

Next devlog will be about another game, I want to try out some other games idea. I hope to be able to release it in a month or less, depends how I'm feeling (im sick of coding, drawing is easier and I can't even do that because it goes against the idea of prototyping argh !!!)

Thank you for reading this devlog and have a good day

bye byeeeee!!!!

[deadlifeseries]

How to move on

This one is reaaaaallly angsty.

Inspired by this post by my lovely mutual @featherglum i give you: post-cannon ficlet where Bulkhead tries to cope ith Prowl's death with a side of paranormal activity.

This one might need some content warnings: vague references to suicide statistics and suicidal thougths (not sure how to formulate this one), major character death (duh)

They all knew that something like this could happen.

As much as they wanted to push it down and not think about it they all knew that any battle could be their last.

And while their victories quelled some of that anxiety it still crept in at night when they tried to sleep. When they felt the dull aching from injuries they suffered.

It was like a looming shadow, like the grim reaper's scythe was always just an inch away from their necks.

But this knowledge didn't make it any easier to cope when the worst really came to pass. Seeing Prowl's lifeless body cut deep, it made what should be a massive victory feel like a loss.

It made the journey back to Cybertron quiet and gloomy, everyone was trying to cope with the reality of what happened. Knowing that Prowl was dead, that his sparkless shell was laying tucked away on the ship and would remain there until they arrive on Cybertron haunted everyone.

Of course it was hard for everyone. Prowl was their friend, their family... but it was clear who took it the hardest. Bulkhead, his conjunx.

It was hard to navigate. They wanted to give Bulkhead space to mourn, but at the same time they all knew how often a bot who recently lost their conjunx would decide to join them. So they would take turns checking up on him. Making sure he's eaten even a little bit, making sure he at least tried to get some sleep, or simply sitting with him for a little while.

It didn't get any easier once they got to Cybertron, either. Having to deal with the attention from having beaten Megatron, Prowl's funeral, a whole lot of questioning from the elite guard, and of course they acted like noting was wrong but it all felt so hollow. It didn't feel right that Prowl wasn't there with them.

It also didn't help that Bulkhead was consulted for how Prowl's funeral should be. It only made sense that they's ask him but Bulkhead's state of mind made him unable to contribute much, so he went along with what the cyberninja corps suggested with a few things he insisted on. Like keeping Prowl's weapons as a memento, he was allowed that.

The next few days felt empty, it was like Cybertron wasn't home anymore. Optimus came to Bulkhead one day and said something is happening on earth and aksed if he wants to come with. With nothing else to do he accepted the offer.

It was nice to get back, even if it was only because he could find somewhere quiet. Walking through the old base felt foreign, everything was untouched, exactly where it was all left. He didn't dare to enter Prowl's room. Part of him hoped, clung to the thought that maybe everything that had happened was just a weird dream. That if he entered that room he's see Prowl meditating under the tree and he'd look up and smile. But that wouldn't happen. Prowl was gone, and as much as Bulkhead ached to be together again he knew it was no use.

He tried to distract himself, everything from painting to walking through the woods. But everyhting just made him think of Prowl. He went out and ended up on a forest path that Prowl had shown him. It was almost like he could feel Prowl next to him, talking about the different things around them. That walk ended up with Bulkhead sitting and sobbing for a little while.

As days went on a lot of the intense emotion mellowed out just a little bit. What first felt like half of his spark getting violently ripped out became a dull aching. But the longing for having Prowl close to him once again was only growing stronger.

One particular night the longing grew so extremley strong that he didn't know what else to do. So he went to Prowl's room.

It was exactly like how he remembered. The tree, the poster, the paintings and other things that Bulkhead made for Prowl. He looked at the leaves all over the floor, Prowl always made sure to keep the floor clean. To have something to do Bulkhead picked up a broom and began cleaning up the leaves and swept them up neatly against the base of the tree the way Prowl always would.

He sat down near the tree and sighed deeply, looking blankly up at the leaves on the tree. It was sombre, the setting sun painted the sky in warm shades of yellow and red, with the clouds looking pink and fluffy. It was a beautiful sight, it was almost comforting. Bulkhead sighed and closed his eyes, he began humming.

After a few moments he thought he could hear Prow's voice next to him. Bulkhead opened his eyes again and looked down.

It was Prowl, or at least an apparition of him. He looked up at Bulkhead and smiled. It was too good to be true but there he was.

"P-Prowl?" Bulkhead's voice was barely above a whisper, like anything even slightly louder would make this moment end.

Prowl stood up, it was en effortless and smooth motion like there was no gravity. He stood up and reached out a hand, gently carresing Bulkhead's face.

"Yes, it's me" his voice was filled with a warmth that made the sunset behind him seem bland, "I'm... I'm so sorry.... I didn't want to leave you like this". The edges of Prowl's visor were tilted down, his voice held such chilling sorrow.

"I miss you... I... don't know what to do" Bulkhead leaned into Prowl's touch, he wanted to keep his composure, but he couldn't keep his voice from shaking, "I just want to be with you again".

"i know, I want to be with you, too" Prowl was floating, and he leaned in close to Bulkhead, "but, please... don't rush to join me. I want you to live, for as long as possible".

Bulkhead was losing his composure more by the moment, small tears apprearing in the corners of his eyes. "But... I can't live without you" his voice was quiet and pleading.

Prowl wrapped his arms around his neck and continued speaking softly, "I know that it's hard, but i know that you can do this. You're strong, and I will patiently wait for you no matter how long it takes".

It had been so long, too long since the last time they sat together like this and getting to feel it again broke whatever facade Bulkhead was trying to uphold. It started with a small tremble, then his breath hitced in his throat and he broke down sobbing. "It's not fair.... it's not fair.... it hurts... why does it have to hurt so bad? Why couldn't we just be together?".

Prowl did his best to console him, but nothing changed the reality that he couldn't do anything. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... please forgive me...". Prowl knew that there was no other way, no matter how much he wished that there was. So he sat there with Bulkhead, listening to him, doing his best to comfort his conjunx until the sobbing subsided.

"Please... I want you to keep living. Can't you do it... for me?" Prowl leaned back to look at Bulkhead "I will wait for you, for all eternety if that's what it takes", he gently wipes his love's tears away.

Bulkhead sighs and nods, "I'll... do it, for you" he looks at Prowl, the apparition slowly fading, he leans in for one last kiss. It feels warm, like nothing ever happened. And with it it's like a piece of himself that Bulkhead had lost was restored.

He opened his eyes again, looking towards the now darker sky. It was still painted in reds and pinks, but the mood in the room had shifted. The once melancholy mood had become lighter, and while being in Prowl's room knowing that it no longer had its occupant was still saddening, getting to hear Prowl's final wish for him made Bulkhead think of all the things he had to do. He still had people who cared about him, he still wanted to do so many things, and he would do all of them for Prowl.

An he stood up and left Prowl's room he looked twards an empty canvas, it was left untouched since the day he set it up before they had their final battle against megatron. He sat down and started painting, it was a scene of a vibrant sunset with the sihluette of a certain someone sitting in the horizon. He signed the painting and wrote "I promise" on the back.

He hung the painting up in Prowl's room, and whenever the feelings of sorrow and loss became too much to bear he'd come and look at the painting. It was a reminder to the promise he made, he would live his life to the fullest and he knew that Prowl would be waiting for him on the other side.

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Thank you for explaining. It's a shame you had to go through all that. Your writing for Twilight is one of the best I've found, I love it. I hope you strongly consider coming back, I miss it so much. But it's understandable if you don't, and I know it's easy to say this from my side, but please don't let miserable people continue to meddle and control your life, thougths and art. I found your blog when I was in the worst state of my mental health and it helped me so much, so thank you 💕

The truth is that miserable, desperate people will always be willing to start wars and point fingers at others to prevent them from looking in the mirror and facing their rotten selves. That's why they get so angry at others, to try to fill their inferiority problems. Accusing others of what they themselves are.

And I'm sure if you start writing for Twilight again, you'll have many behind you, screaming with joy. Every now and then I reread the Dimitri, Caius and Romanians fics. It's a safe place for me. Know this. 🙏💘

Its sad to say I'm not the only one. This happens to lots of people every day. I worry that about the impact it could have.

I made this blog for fun, for the stories that would pop up in my head with nowhere to go. It's supposed to take us out of reality even if just for a moment. It stops being fun when it gets twisted by reality and put under a microscope to figure out what could and couldn't be in between the lines of the tiniest of details.

Whilst I'm fine with the drama and don't wish anyone ill will or anything. Its taught me a lot about boundaries that I need to have. I can't let people over the Internet make me doubt myself and my intentions. I hate that I've been accused of such horrendous things with pitiful evidence because I can now say three years later in other fandoms and in IRL. Those accusations never left the fandom. Only in the twilight fandom have I ever been accused of anything and surely that has to mean something.

I've always said it and will continue to say it. Anyone reading this, I am just a person on the Internet. Don't let anything I say impact you. Leave me here on this blog in the Internet. Don't carry my words with you unless they have a positive impact on you.

Remember, I'm here for a fun time. Not to hurt anyone. Not to antagonise or anything like that. Here for a giggle.

I didn't delete all my fics in the end because I had people telling me the very same thing. That they loved going back and some of their favourite fics were in there. As much as I was pissed off and absolutely done, in the end, I couldn't do it to those who I'm so lucky to have appreciate my work and even to this day go back for them. It warms my heart.

It feels good to be able to talk about what happened because it wasn't the goodbye I had ever wanted. I didn't know what to say but I knew I had to go for my own sake. To be able to talk about it and not panic, or feel upset about it is freeing.

So thank you for asking, and I'm glad I made a difference for someone by taking the edge off as they got through difficult times. I feel even more lucky enough to have people stick around even after. Finding such support is rarely guaranteed, and wow am I lucky to have gotten so much of it.

I'm glad my work could help you through healing and it's a blessing to think my silly little ideas in my head are kept so fondly to others. Its people like you who make this all worthwhile. ❤️

[generalfandomsofthefreak]

Spoilers for Owl House Season 3 episode 3: Watching and Dreaming (the episode is up on full HD on wcostream.net for anyone unable to watch it legally btw)

aight i'm gonna just, do a fucking "my thougths" as a watch through the episode a second time because i can this is gonna be a mix of serious points, and also me gushing because i'm in love with this show and also drinking like, just a toooouch

- I feel like lowkey, the things Amity, Gus, Willow and Hunter say during Luz' nightmare, are so effective and hurtful because they could definitely be what they actually think. And on some twisted deep down super petty level, they probably are, brought to the surface by the Collector's magic.

- Luz absolutely only realized just how much a child the Collector actually was when she realized they didn't understand what Death is. The way she now only asks "do you not know what Death means to mortals?" but how she fully goes out of battle stance. She doesn't just lower Stringbean down in shock, she instantly loosens her stance and puts them by her side, she's no longer prepping for a fight, because she just realized how much her opponent is a kid

- Raine with Tousled hair is so,,,, they're so,,,, I wanna marry them so bad you have no idea

- so on first watch i thought it was like, pretty explicit that the Collector killed the Baby Titans, but on second watch it might, not be? we really don't know enough about the Collector and their family to know for sure, maybe they did take away some of the kids, maybe they didn't. Maybe it was a bit of both? Would've loved to see more, but also i think it's nice for it to be kinda open so fans can play with the idea of there being more titans out there.

- When Luz gets overtaken by the growth stuff from Belos, absolutely the Collector does realize something happened. Like yes they try to "fix her" but the question of "where'd she go?" tells that they know, right away, something's up. This isn't like when their toys break, something feels off, different, wrong. The way they cling onto that little light, the hint of genuine concern in their voice as they ask. It's not just a, just a fucking feeling of "hey wait, where'd they go?" like when your friends are hiding.

The collector can tell it's different, it's wrong, but hey! they're the Colelctor, they're all powerful! they can fix her, bring her back! but they can't And the collector realizes what they've been doing

- I love how, from the very first proper sentence the Titan speaks to Luz in Person (not the wake up one) you can tell what kid of person he is/was. Like you can tell, both from what he said and how he's dressed, how warm, kind and loving he was. Like just, I'm so sad, he didn't get to meet King in person, and when i watched it through the first time i was so sure Luz was gonna pull him back along with her to the living, but it didn't happen.

ALSO, the fucking little hooty sticking out of his eye had me going in so many ways, because like, does it mean that Hooty's species are just particularly connected to the titan? or are worms just fucking Hooty's in the Boiling Isles??? Maybe, it's even a hint of where Hooty came from, because well there IS an eye on the Boiling Isles too! like oh my god so much in so little

- "and you seems like a good witch" i saw someone mention how Luz called herself 'the good witch luz' later on, and i'll see myself in a bit no doubt as i'm watching, BUT This is definitely a moment that sticks out to her. The titan himself is calling her a good witch, after everything she's done, that he's watched her do, he thinks she's a good witch

- ALSO, a thought i had, is how much i love that they show the Titan is just, just this guy He's got a dad bod with a billy, his beard's unkept, he's wearing a Bad Girl coven t-shirt and jogging pants with a glyph pattern, AND I BET HE WOULD BE WEARING LOAFERS. Like the Titans have been propped up so much through the series, because well the Titan is a big deal.

But also, the Titans are a people who loved their kids, wanted them safe, and lounged around in old shirts and loose pants

- THE COLLECTOR FUCKING, "I don't want anyone else to go away, I don't want anyone else to go missing" and him desperately trying to stop King and Eda and brushing off the, the growth from Belos, like oh my god he really is just a child learning about loss for the first time proper, like ever

also a headcanon i am having like right now, is that the Archivists definitely did take some of titan children away, either on purpose to paint the Collector in a bad light, or simply because they wanted, either option ending in the Collector being painted in a bad light and like they just didn't care about who they hurt. Because i bet he wasn't sat down and talked to about it, it actually does make sense if he never killed any of them and they just were taken and he was the scape goat, and i just realized that thee titan mentioned he blamed the wrong person, and at that point Belos would've been SOOO far into the future it couldn't have been him he meant.

Definitely, King's siblings are archived somewhere, and the Collector was blamed for it and no one talked to him about it

- the collector rushing to help keep the Archives balanced, their body being overtaken by Growth, but he still does it because he knows it's the right thing to do and just, FUCK ME DUDE, I love him, them, little funky fella who was neglected and never taught how to play, his siblings just pushing him away because they didn't care, or maybe even used them to get the titan babies, finally realizes what it means to be kind, and good, and what to do to make friends, and does something that does not benefit him in any way instead of trying to save himself

like fuck dude I love them so much

- RAINE, WHISTLING, THE REQUIEM/RHAPSODY, MY FUCKING HEART DUDE

- The way the "NOW EAT THIS SUCKAAA" line is animated, gives me hella anime vibes, like modern day anime, Studio Trigger type stuff, fuck me it's so good

- Eda, king and Raine getting to stomp out Belos like the piece of gum he is, is so cathartic. After everything he's done, he just gets stomped out like he's nothing

- The fact that Amity so happily goes to her dad, and Odalia is just, there, and she gets nothing??? Iconic, amazing, what she deserves. I also love that Gus' dad gets to kiss his cheek, like i feel you don't get to see that enough in shows. And of course, Willow's dad's kissing on screen, ON THE LIPS IN FULL VIEW And Hunter being greeted so warmly by Darius and Eberwolfe, my heart, i care them

and there's just too much i adore about the timeskip like,,, all of it, amazing

[grahamcarmen]

RANT INCOMING (not the loop de loop don't worry) Someone said that the reason gray wasn't very liked in the fandom was because of shipping reasons and yes, that's definately a factor but coming from someone who's made it a habit to see peoples 'criticisms' of him to understand why they don't like him a big contributing factor is also misunderstandings of his actions and his arc ( misunderstanding the arc is completely fine and understandable, it's really a arc you need to sit down and think about to truly understand) but you can't exactly do that when you already don't understand why he did things."he chose a corporate job over his sister""he chose to go back to vile""he was completely fine with carmen being brainwashed" are some of the most common i've seen, the last one is pretty funny considering that until carmen tried to kill zack he didn't know that carmen lost her empathy he thought she just had different memories as evidenced by his shocked expression when she tries to kill zack, we can also chalk up him waiting as long as he did as in hopes that everything could be fine until he heard about carmen's desire to kill shadowsan and knew he had to do something, but the reason this is funny is because carmen pretty much doe's the same thing she's very willing to take the opportunity to reestablish their relationship and she obviously isn't gonna tell him anything but in her case there's the immediate threat of him being in danger and possibly joining VILE again which mean's she'll lose him this isn't present in grays case until shadowsan comes into the picture.

Point is either hold them both or neither of them accountable, i'm voting for the latter.

Thougth the misunderstandings aren't just limited to gray's character but the show in general, like i've seen so many people wonder why carmen doesn't tell the authorities about VILE when VILE is the "worlds best kept evil secret" and the authorities aren't gonna believe her, and i highly doubt she's gonna trust them with the harddrive and even if she does that's gonna reach roundabout somehow or some other operative VILE has which puts carmen in danger of being discovered.

Another type of 'criticism' is 'seems legit at first glance bu star's to fall apart when you think about it' like "since VILE can brainwash their operatives why not do that to them all instead of teaching them. Now there are 3 types of brainwashing we've seen VILE do:-

TSONTS carmen brainwash:- Now in this carmen acts like a robot this will certainly help VILE since they don't have to worry about the operatives hesitating but when the time comes to make someone faculty, they won't have anyone and they aren't gonna chose someone from the outside, again VILE is the 'worlds best kept evil secret'.

CS gray brainwash:- Obviously not gonna work, criminal impulses are lowered.

CS carmen brainwash:- The faculty have the advantage that the operatives are heartless now but also the ones that have ambition will want a faculty seat and inevitably a coup will happen and basically VILE would never be able to exist. Most of the criticisms i've seen of the show can either be explained by things that were said in the show or critical thinking skills the gray ones just annoy me more cause I would really like to be given a good reason for people not liking gray( not that you have to justify it but since you are it would be nice if you could give a good reason). Point is the fandom is pretty stupid. -Nice ask anon.

Hello! Nice ask anon!

pretty long rambling so under the cut--

1!] i am always ok with ranting and maybe even one day will be bothered to answer loop de loop nonsense again but thank you for avoiding loop de loop arguments

2] i feel like characters in need of redemption arcs in general are very hit and miss with people, regardless of execution because it does mean confronting that said character probably NEEDS to be redeemed from something, and if you're not vibing with the character flaw or actions that need to be rectified and if that redemption arc isn't resolved in one episode and conversation??…well. I mean … the arc needs to start somewhere. And for redemption arcs that means something crappy that they need to change being acknowledged and a character flaw being there.

when people STAY mad at him for choosing the life he had already been committed to before he met carmen tho? its kinda like, yeah it sucks for carmen [AND ME!] , but digging a way out of the corruption arc he started before she was there will entail seeing those bad choices on his end and even the severity of those choices or rather in his case coming to terms with what he was choosing, because catharsis comes from him becoming a person who won’t make those mistakes again.

Someone who chooses VILE to someone who does choose her and all she stands for

Someone who chooses humanity instead of self serving destruction

 And the show does imply that there’s more happening internally with gray than just being a natural asshole [no matter how much stock people personally give nice!gray, the himalaya episode does dedicate enough time to gray looking :( at his enrollment and his bond with carmen being even a thing that is possible to go over and press at] 

And states the choice of VILE over carmen wasn’t that straightforward [see his only regret or even how you don’t need that? just look at him? At the train? Hello wtf is happening in your heart dude? WHY DOES HE LOOK AWAY WHEN-] or such a non issue to him that it will never be something that can change him[see HIS WHOLE ARC ENDS WITH THE OPPOSITE OF THIS DECISION BECAUSE IT WAS WRONG]

Or even the implications why VILE at this moment might seem more important to him given the themes that are in the rest of the show

Or honestly how…weird gray is sometimes. [WHY DID HE LOOK AWAY WHEN-] he has dimensions he's not sharing.

If you want to put aside the “maybe” mixed feelings because its too vague and focus on his actions because they’re still choices? Yes yes Attempted murder is still wrong and so is pursuing a less than savory career instead of listening to your buddy saying that it aint worth it but it does have consequences and him constantly coming into contact with carmen isn’t in vain. Its just not going to work right away because oof he’s a determined mess. [love u dude<3] and she’s a friend he spent a year with who tried to wack him in the face with his own weapon last he saw her. In his mind they’re enemies and enemies get treated accordingly. And he ends up leaning back into his bad path. and gonna say...sometimes thats just the long path needed

I get being angry at his actions, especially when carmen is personally hurt by these actions [personal betrayals are high on audiences don’t like that list so gray being able to choose at all will get under peoples skin], but like the point of an arc again is that those actions are not supposed to be seen as good and he grows into a better person? And instead chooses the right thing?

Cutting off his overview as a character with only the things he did and not…the growing part? Where he rejects the bad path because carmen IS more important? Idk man like what do you say to someone who already hates what he did too much to acknowledge that he’s supposed to say wow that was a sucky choice i should do better next time? or doesn't even want to entertain why this character flaw might seem more reliable to gray?

3] the last one “he was ok with her being brainwashed” yeah lol i have also held him under sus eyes for that but that’s a flaw that carmen also shared.

They both have sections of looking a little too into their altered selves for a hot second because the bigger point of this weird situation is that carmen and him are BOTH under the impression that everything between them would be fixed if they just didn’t have opposing moral codes and were allowed to consider the others desired paths but 

CARMEN DOES NOT LIKE THAT SHE CAN’T SAY THIS IS GRAY! SHE DOESN’T LIKE THAT THIS PATH STILL SEEMS TO REQUIRE HER TO BE APART FROM HIM. SHE HATES THE IDEA THAT VILE MIGHT TAKE HIM AWAY. 

And in the kiwi caper she's like :( is VILE gonna say thats their agent now?

GRAY IS SURPRISED BY THE EXTENT OF THE RUTHLESSNESS THAT POPS UP IN THIS WHAT IF. she’s always been doing her own thing but its elevated due to the brainwashing.  that was mission 1! I don’t think this was the last time that dark! Carmen's actions concerned him in that 6 month run and people should know by now to not take his smugness totally at face value.. and as you said he pulls away from its natural downward spiral conclusion and consequences enough to snap him out of that attitude.

Any true satisfaction from both parties is fleeting

They both are absolutely responsible for being willing to uphold these lies for as long as they did and the reason [I] semi-absolve them is because they did it because they are on peanut level behavior for each other due to a desire to be in each others lives even on the low scale of I’M ALLOWED TO CARE?? [unhinged behavior. Narrative acknowledged it as so. I’ll allow it. I'm into melodrama.]

Like the tendency to go easier on carmen is because gray’s brainwashing is a passive non criminal state [good right? WRONG!] and she can take the high ground of protecting him but uhhhh- she very much was willing to pretend she was ok with it until the reality and fragility of the [what if] can’t be avoided anymore and some of the growth on her side is partly going to be to accept that yes. He’s someone sosososo important. He’s not perfect.and reconciling that with the fact that she still cares is…oof a feat! But the truth!

ACTUALLY STILL GIVING A FUCK WHEN ITS THE TRUE THEM ON THE LINE.

And funnily enough it is gray who comes to this conclusion more completely and fully by the end.

4- carmen arguments] yeah…carmen says so. She can’t trust the authorities yet because VILE is so lowkey  and wormed in the world in such a way that keeps their deeds secret. [chase laughs in chiefs face over it and she’s been on their case for awhile on an official capacity]+ she’s also got some trust issues she’s getting over with authorities 

this is a scene where chief wants those results from her and like…carmen can’t deliver because VILE got tipped off and chief is not happy, and she actually does believe VILE is out there! and carmen is also upset but she does not want to be thought as charmed by ACME's resources to be their little agent when she's here to do whats right first and foremost

besides the logical factor is carmen slowly growing out of the idea that she needs to do everything by herself but She has more dimensions that don’t allow COMPLETE blind trust of outside organizations. She like…is just being a person about this.

Criticism for vile not just outright doing regular brainwashing

Another point is just…vile doesn’t need to do the magic brainwashing to find people tripping over themselves to be used by them. That’s kinda what the sad reality of them profiling young skilled orphans means. This doesn’t mean every VILE agent is specifically this or has to be to want a criminal career [there are many assholes in the world and carmen shows that there’s good people who do stand up to combat that]  or even that VILE totally has a handle of how to exploit that to the max but *shudders* sonia was being groomed. And maelstrom absolutely takes advantage of brunts loyalty even when he obviously doesn’t believe in it the way she does. 

when it comes to carmen specifically and gray those are factors! Both the profile and the natural* inclinations [lmao he is sticky fingered inclined but obviously has some good instincts too. He’s just not letting them win.]

And if there is an efficiency need without the human element then that’s like…literally bellum subplot of robots are cooler, stronger, and just do what needs to be done. Human error gone <3

But despite the cold cruel nature of VILE they can’t escape that human element is actually needed. Taking advantage of someone like roundabout who has used his civilian life to build decent influential connections would be WAY more beneficial to actually facilitate their misdeeds[new castle, get out of jail cards, basically begging to prove himself] , and capitalizing on brunts loyalty gives them a strong faculty contender who fosters that trait in new recruits well because she 1000% believes in it

Like regular non electric device brainwashing exists. thats what the school is for/can be seen as. Like bleh but thats what the school more or less achieves.

But i like the thinking behind the other ones too!

1-wkfnakfnaf ok no how long have the cleaners been there because faculty just is running the operation to the ground without anyone to renew the cycle and those dudes just put up with that nonsense.. Yeah the faculty try outs are literally this. Someone clever, close, efficient. There’s already people out here who won’t hesitate. No need to resort in this instance.

2- yeah  good guys …lol that’s not the result they want

3- LITERALLY. Instincts with nothing to reign them in is chaos and thats why they hyper specified that dark! carmen should still be oh so grateful to VILE and why they thought linking her dad to them would strengthen her loyalty to THEM. but even that they can’t totally control or understand [see that carmen accepted the mission not with the intent to steal the diamond but to kill] [also new VILE coup sounds like a fun failure re start fic idea]

That's one of the human elements they exploit and can’t live without. loyalty . 

T.T what is fandom doing every time i get a rant i hear weird stuff.

 >:( im determined not to really care if people don’t care for him [ey happens to blorbos sometimes] because i  love him so :3. I just get pissed sometimes when he gets bashed for like…dumb stuff sometimes. And that even more than dislike there’s…vitrol for him. Sometimes. Its weird.

What redemption arcs require something character needs to be redeemed from ? uh,,,?

whatever I love him enough to make up for nonsense

[frostythefrostedfox]

This sequence (Only 4 images for the sake of shortness) is the ending sequence of Metal Gear Solid V, one that I consider to be one of the best endings ever made in a videogame, and the perfect ending for your story, the player’s story, after seeing the end of Big Boss’ and The Patriot’s story in Metal Gear Solid 4, a perfect message and display of appreciation for your service, for all you’ve done, and all you’ve grown alongside these characters, an amazing contrast to the last time the gmae acknoleged your role in the story, in Metal Gear Solid 2, back then the game mocked you, insulted you and made fun of you for not understanding what it tried to say to you, for trying to be what it warned you not to become, and many years later, it rewards your perseverance with “The Truth”, which is also this mission’s in-game name, after all these years, after everything they put you through, you deserve nothing else but The Truth, spelled out for you, alongside a congratulatory note from no other than The Man Who Sold The World, Big Boss himself, but at the same time, warning you of what lies ahead in your path should you take it.

This game’s development was full of controversies and other problems, and while that deprived the player from experiencing what could’ve been another high point in the franchise, Mission 51 “Lord of the Flies”, in a way it also enhanced the game’s message about memes (in the actual, real definition of the word), passing on your legacy and what becoming a legend really means, I guess you could say this is the ultimate “Is not a bug, is a feature”, the attempted erasure of Kojima’s name from the game serves as a perfect real life parallel to the erasure of The Boss’ name from history in the game.

Prior to my experience playing MGS V, I never thougth that a character other than a Customizable Player Character akin those in Fallout, The Elder Scrolls and many other RPG games could become a “Literally Me” character, as they are already set in stone with clear motivations, ideals and morals of their own, and while Venom Snake is quite the ambiguous character as it is supposed to serve as a Self-insert of the player just as Raiden was meant to be in his original appeareance, he is a set character that shares all the qualities of one; while the reasons why I can relate to and see this character as “A Part Of Myself” rely entirely on subjective and personal matters, I wouldn’t be surprised that many people that doesn’t shares that connection with his background and context still experiences the same feeling; I’ve always seen Naked Snake as a role model, someone I looked up to be like one day, perhaps even a “Father Figure” and Liquid Snake as a “Brother” of sorts that shares the same beliefs but with a different understanding of them, but it was only after slowly crawling thru a mud-covered marsh as DD barks at enemies to distract them, standing next to the saluting wandering soldiers whose only wish was to return back to the place they once called home, spotting for Quiet so she can clear an outpost to rescue a POW and hearing those dreadful words “We live and die by your order, Boss” during Shining Lights, Even In Death that I could relate to Venom Snake after understanding that we’ve been thru the same, despite the actual circumstances being different due to one being real life and another one being a work of fiction (despite being inspired by very real things that did happen), I don’t know if that was the intent with the character, but for all purposes, I can always say that I am Venom, and Venom is Me.

“In Memory Of A Patriot Who Saved The World”