#die in a ditch belos

[triple--a--threat]

look i also gotta bare my ass over here in like the last 5 minutes of my appointment w the psychiatrist she basically asked me to share my hobbies and one of them i mentioned was writing short stories (gay fanfiction). so she naturally asked for a sample. i showed her my belord one cause thats the only one which is not trans and/or smut. i mean it is trans AND smut i just haven't gotten to it. also i was kinda emotionally devastated so i wasnt exactly thinking. anyways i started sweating balls as soon as i gave her my phone. why did i do that. she read the Professionally Edited first chapter and the second one. and the third one which is more of a draft but. she is the first one to read those lmao cause i havent published any of that. so ig

[daredevil-vagabond]

Begone devil moste foule, wearing the face of my own brother

AU where Belos tries to time travel to before Caleb met his witch gf in a last ditch effort and tried to say DONT FUCK RANDOM WOMEN YOU MEET IN THE WOODS!!! ITS ME PHILLIP!!! when he looks. Like That.

only for Caleb to look at him and be like. Ye Gods. this devil is parading around stealing faces and looking like my brother/father. Surely this is a what a witch looks like and not my totally normal gf who can conjure fire. DIE.

[eldritch-spouse]

Pinnie I hope done you haven't done this already but if you have, please ignore!

I read your post on the demon triplets with an incredibly oblivious S/O and I just NEED to know how that would go down with Santi, Belo and Patches.

Because they could literally tell me they wanna fuck (even though Belo and Patches would never say it directly) and I would like them or whatever and still be like "OH you're hilarious. Anyways..." Because I am unable to differentiate between a friend joking about that or being dead serious AND ITS THE SAME FOR YOUR OCS (especially Santi I would cackle in his face I need this man so pent up he just takes action)

Santi has dealt with many people who weren't always too suave with their mannerisms. People who didn't want to read between the lines, or couldn't, and he's never had trouble being direct. If Santi loves you, he will tell you that to your face eventually. If Santi wants to fuck you and and his "come hithers" aren't really registering, then he'll just say it too. No shame. Having you respond as if he were joking is beffudling, he may even think you're mockingly rejecting him for a second. Fortunately, he doesn't have to go too far to mend this, or let his frustration make him act out. He'll simply pick a moment where you're aroused, and mention it. You're wet love, he can smell it. What's more, you're wet for him. He'll say it again. He wants to fuck you. Right there. Nothing in his face hints that it's a joke. And then, in that moment where it seems as if things are sinking in for you, he tells you he loves you. Drops those bombs on you.

Belo will be suffering in silence for the majority of time. This will heavily delay most of his confessions, as the power can eventually start to think that you know what he's saying. You know what he means, you just don't accept him. You're trying to gently let him down in your own way, which is very benevolent, but also very embarrassing... But then, in a last ditch attempt, he gets on his knees and professes undying loyalty, endless reverence, eternal servitude, his body is yours, his mind, his soul- ... And you??? Just think he's practicing aimless poetry??? He wants to die right there. So, he shifts his focus. He loves you. Do you love him? He would give his body to you at a moment's notice. Do you want it? If you give a joking answer to those questions, Belo is going to tear his own halo off.

Patches knows better than to get in his own head about it. You are oblivious, he can tell. Wherein he'd usually spend time scheming about important things, he's not spending that time brainstorming about the most sincere and non-humorous displays of love he could do for you. He needs to know how to snap you out of the assumption he's some joker. Do you not know him?? Do you think he's the type to just joke about wanting to fuck you? Wanting to be with you? Sigh. In the end, after a whole lot of searching, making shitty deals, and getting into perilous situations, he manages to get an ancient artifact belonging to seraphim. When someone is in love and looks at their infatuation, it lights up in a bright, almost blinding white. He explains this to you as he holds the priceless amulet and it glows bright enough to make your eyes water (a little too much brightness, shattering the stone within it slightly). Please let this one work, he doesn't know what else to do.

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

What did you think about the choice to have Hunter not encounter Belos in the finale? I know I personally found it anticlimactic, what with Hunter telling Luz "let's fight back" in TTT and spending all of FTF obsessing over finding him, along with the fact that Belos doesn't know Hunter is alive and Hunter currently looks a whole lot more like Caleb than he ever has, so I was excited for that encounter for the sake of Belos's character too. But I know a large part of the fandom thinks that Hunter's arc was complete and that it would've been pointless and traumatic for him to see Belos again. So I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

I can see a case for both sides; Hunter has been through a lot (understatement of the year) and it could be triggering for him to see Belos again and he's already had his final conflict with him. Hunter seeing his former guardian die (again) would still be traumatic for him. However, they did set up how dead set Hunter was on finding Belos and he kept his hair noodle, even post time skip so it seems like they were also setting up another conflict in which Belos sees that not only Hunter is alive but that he's basically Caleb now.

I think you could have had Hunter play a role in dealing the final blow against Belos by just having him be there, not saying anything as Belos has a total meltdown that his "brother" is now standing right before him. Hunter wouldn't even need to fight him, he can just stare accusingly just like the Caleb apparition in FtF, demonstrating that Belos no longer has any power or influence over him.

It's honestly a crime that Hunter does nothing in the finale, none of the Hexsquad kids do. Normally, the whole team bands together to fight the Evil Villain but every character except for Eda, Raine, King, Luz, and the Collector are benched because...honestly, I don't know why. It's a weird writing choice because they don't do anything outside of giving Luz some pep talks and guarding the puppets in the Archives (which is important but do they all need to be there?)

Basically, the kids needed to have more prominent roles in the finale. Hunter should either have some kind of final confrontation with Belos or ditch his attitude about finding Belos in the previous episode and have him be in a supporting role.

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

I saw someone theorize that Belos is able to possess corpses and that means he's going to possess the titan or something, but I actually think its the opposite. I think he can take control through the blood stream (hence the cut finger and the goo coming out of it) and when they die he actually no longer has control of them. The moment Hunter almost died Belos ditched. And he probably would've had more use for that dear had it not been hit by a car (otherwise why even take the dear to use it for a second). I could be wrong, but that's just the assumption I got from the episode

[marztheincredible]

So since your fic plays into the underlying theme of Luz being spoken to by the titan, i thought to ask about a scene I haven't thought about in a while.

So when I first watched Young Blood, Old souls, the scene where Luz is able to get Eda to recognize her, despite being entrenched in the curse, with a light spell didn't exactly stand out to me, perhaps assuming there was lingering magic from belos or something. (I was much more stuck in the drama of the moment, wondering what would happen next)

But rewatching this scene, I realize that Eda is fully the Owl beast in this moment, no black ringed golden eyes, just purely the Owl beast.

Now I wonder if, in reality, this was supposed to somehow show that Luz, with the magic she had earned from the Titan, is able to coax even the consciousness buried deep inside the trenches of a curse that was supposed to keep her away for good?

Had the Titan blessed Luz with more than we can see (the magic that she is able to harness so powerfully)?

I guess I'm asking for your thoughts on the scene, lol.

Ohhhh interesting theory!

Honestly I see that thing as The Owlbeast relinquishing control because at that moment, both them and Eda knew their fate. So it understood that bond Eda has with her kid and came under an agreement to have their last words with each other.

In terms of the fic, It’s funny how some take the info of Luz being blessed by the Titan means she’s the chosen one. She isn’t, not necessarily. Luz is part of the axel that’s the wheel of change. What’s happened to her, turning into a Witch, happened to other humans that the Titan deemed worthy, blessed. It happened to Caleb, and to other passerby’s who decided to stay on the Isles.

“The two brothers stay and the eldest begins to change. The youngest does not.”

The Old Ways slowly make their resurgence because Luz was the kickstarter. You can thank her and her outrageous inquisitiveness/curiosity for that. A domino effect is happening and as her (and in turn Eda’s) influence makes their way through the Hexsquad, they’ll in turn shift the perspective of their loved ones/friends so on and so forth. Break the cycle, and refuse to settle for a doomed fate.

“The Old Ways start to die out and his presence grows weaker in the next fifty years.

He is being Forgotten.”

In the last ditch effort of the remaining influential presence The Titan has, he sends that spark to Luz to begin that change. The Titan simply gave our protagonist a little nudge, and might keep doing so as The Old Ways make their return.

“This child burns as bright as the sun.

She will save his children.

She will make them Remember.”

[polyhexian]

My extremely basic bitch owl house theory:

They went out of their way to establish every ingredient of creating a grimwalker and how it was attainable, and specifically that the selkidomus scales obtained were not fresh. They've set it up perfectly for belos to theoretically be able to produce another grimwalker, and for something to go unexpectedly wrong. It's possible that was something planned when the season was longer and it's not going to come up now, but it might. Unless belos has a second grimwalker lab, I think we can confidently say he doesn't have any more currently actively growing. Maybe at some point the plan was for belos to take over his growing hunter replacement and be like haha yes sweet new body only to realize that due to the selkidomus scales it's already rotting and his only chance is to take hunters and for that to be a more protracted subplot. It sure would have been cool to see two hunters fight! But who knows. Anyway I think they've put too much time into setting it up to totally drop it, I think it's going to be relevant.

Second thought! The grimwalker we see belos consume in ftf is clearly an adult- or at least, not a child. And there are SO many dead grimwalkers, we see SO many bones and masks. Belos is only 400 years old, and hunter is the youngest golden guard ever. Which means all the others were at LEAST 16- the numbers make it impossible for all of them to actually BE sixteen or more real years old. My thought is that before hunter, every Golden guard was born as an adult. But they never did what belos wanted- they always turned on him. My thought is that hunter is the first one to be picked as an actual child and raised and groomed to be exactly as belos wanted him to be. He is the closest to perfect because he spent the most time on him.

Follow up thought: I don't have much basis off this but I still have it in my mind that potentially, the grimwalker ingredient that is currently the biggest problem for belos is the bone of the Ortet. Caleb died literally centuries ago now and he's made so many grimwalkers. He's gonna run out of bones eventually. Perhaps the reason he actually raised this one is that he is running out of bones- perhaps even ran out awhile ago, and while he carelessly tossed most of them into a death pit, the last few he has been careful to bring back to his lab to "recycle." Break back down into component parts somehow. He needs to retrieve the Ortet bone he used to make them to make the next one. Puts an interesting spin on why he wants him back SO badly. It's not just that he wants to make sure no one knows what hunter knows, or that hunter is now a danger to him, or even just that he's furious at him. It's because he can't make a replacement unless he kills hunter. Could also interestingly expand this into the particular bone being something that wouldn't kill him to remove, like, perhaps, a bone in his forearm. He could get his arm cut off or something, in a TV friendly way like Eda's arm loss was I'm sure, but the bone could be reused without killing hunter but potentially destabilizing him.

Ohhhh. Wouldn't it have been neat if that was how belos possession ended. Like instead of throwing it into the water hunter severed his arm, the one that was holding the vial, so it fell somewhere he couldn't reach, and then collapsed, because without the Ortet bone his body was destabilizing, so belos ditched him and ran, but hunter was still going to die- maybe turn back into palistrom wood or something? Disney friendly, you know, no blood. And then flapjacks sacrifice sort of... You know. His eyes changed. He's got magic now. He's been fundamentally Altered. But belos took the severed arm with him, brings it back to his lab and uses the Ortet bone to finish an in progress grimwalker body he can take over. Fun fun fun.

Anyway I don't really think this is super viable because he DID try to kill him in hollow mind which would have killed him theoretically without leaving a body behind? Which would have been a problem for that. Still. Fun idea.

[sergeantsporks]

hi! sorry if this is already answered but how did dagger die?

He was starved, and then when he was too weak to move or fend for himself, Belos ditched him in the woods to die.

And the thing was, at this point, Belos was starting to amass a following. There were communal pantries and plenty of ways for Dagger to get food, but if he tried to get into the kitchen (or even sneak away to scavenge something), someone would stop him, or report him to Belos in order to curry favor. So he's got a solid hatred of people in general.

[wolfthedrolf]

TOH thanks to them theory

Phillip tracked down Caleb and Evelyn. Phillip, in an effort to "save" quote unquote, his brother from wild magic, kills Evelyn first. Evelyn, in a last ditch attempt to protect her love, spends the rest of her time as a witch focussing her magic to turn into Flapjack, before they had the scar over their eye. Caleb, out of fury, attacks his brother, punching and attacking Phillip out of pure anger and hatred. Phillip, who believes his brother has been eternally bewitched, kills Caleb, believing he has put an end to all witchcraft by killing Caleb and Evelyn. Evelyn had turned into Flapjack by than, and had seen her love die before her eyes. Her sadness manifested into the scar over flapjacks eye. She follows Phillip, sees him create the grimwalkers, and when she sees Hunter be created, believes her love is back from the dead, but before she could go to Hunter, she was caught by someone working to protect lost palisman. Than episode 6 season 2 happens causing her be reunited with Hunter, and the story goes on from there. 

Edit: I kinda faded away from this theory, so now I just believe that Flapjack was her palisman, but THAN I watched ¨lesbian reacts to thanks to them,¨ (this vid was made by @Not-So-Average-Fangirl, on youtube.) 

I just made this theory because why not, and I was sad Flapjack died. Plus, I noticed when Hunter/Belos was going to squish Flapjack they said “goodbye Evelyn.” I am not trying to besmirch Flapjacks death by making this theory, I just thought it might be kinda accurate. I hope this is accurate, but if it isn’t I will only be a little disappointed.

[eldragon-x]

No longer complaining about Kikimora’s lack of screentime in s2b because her comeback in the last two episodes was everything I wanted and more. Not only did she get demoted while still hoping to gain Belos’ approval, she knew more than anyone would’ve guessed. She knew things about Belos no one else knew. She knew about the many dead Golden Guards and still wanted to gain the title herself. She was willing to do anything for Belos, especially after her slip-up at the Covens Day Parade, only for him to crush all her hopes of ever getting back up. He told her to go die in a ditch which she did, only taking action when King came into play. I want to study this woman under a microscope.

[animation-recaps-by-sean]

The Owl House-King’s Tide Recap

Belos' plans come to a head. Spoilers below.

The episode begins with King dreaming about the Collector and Belos. He awakens in Willow's lap.

Meanwhile the Coven’s head gather in a circle with Eda replacing Raine. However Belos swap’s Darius with Terra and Eberwolf with Adrian. As soon as the spell starts Eda’s curse kicks in, but Terra realizes that it was a swap. They capture Raine, hold Darius and Eberwolf. Even Lilith, and CATs are taken. No mention of Steve as far as I noticed. Man Hooty’s been nerfed for the last few episodes. Guess there was no traitor. It’s implied that Terra figured it out but we don’t get clear details on how Belos knew.

But the Coven heads and the witches are too late to realize that the spell is killing them.

Meanwhile Belos talks to the Collector. Now that the draining spell is activated, Belos will surely free him right? Nope, Belos dresses back as Phillip and tosses the mirror over the edge.

Kikimora comes bringing in Luz, Phillip is happy to see a fellow human. Poor Kikimora begs for a promotion and Phillip tells her to die in a ditch and closes the door on her face.

The key has just enough blood for one trip. But when Luz fights back Belos goes to preterfy her but Luz points out that he's been gone for hundreds of years, he’d have no idea what the world is like. He needs her help to become the Witch Hunter General. They shake on it but Luz puts a crest on Phillip thinking he’ll stop the spell to save himself. Instead he turns into a giant goo monster and attacks Luz. It’s cool to finally see Belos’ true monster form. They’ve been hinting at this since his introduction.

We see from flashes of King’s point of view that the blimp crashes and Aldor stays behind to fight off the Abominations. It was a smart way to get a lot of info out in a short time. The gang makes their way to the head and everyone save King starts to help Luz. But they're cleanly on the wrong foot, especially with the draining spell effecting Hunter. And Phillip flips when he sees Flapjack, curses the name Caleb. Presuming it’s the name of the brother that he killed.

King, wanting to help, finds Kikimora. Apparently she overheard Belos talking to the Collect. Not enough to actually know about the Day of Unity but enough to know the Collector can stop Belos. So King finds the mirror among the bones of the former Golden Guards. The Collector can’t see him, his collar blocking him from view. It turns out that King’s father was the one who trapped the Collector. But King can set him free. With a pinkie swear. The Collector is not as big as he was in the Hooty’s Door flashback. They’re a little guy here. Glad that the Luz possession theory was wrong.

The draining spell is hitting Eda particularly hard, the disintegration effect is hitting her hard. So Raine uses it to pull her hand off with the coven mark.  

The Collector decides to play tag with Phillip and tags him so hard he becomes a smear against the wall. He stops the eclipse with a flick of his finger. Since King promised him to play “Owl House” he warps everything to make an owl house. Panic, the gang flees to the portal which the Collector is destroying. Luz tries to hold it in but King owes the Collector a game. So he pulls him back. King thanks Luz for being his big sister and blasts her into the portal.

Luz checks the door but no dice. Poor Gus breaks down crying. Everyone is left wondering if their parents are okay. Luz takes everyone home, broken but safe.

But before Hunter ran through the portal, a bit of Phillip goop fell on his shoulder. And back at that abandoned house a bit of goop drops. And someone closes the door.

A few notes. The Collector went from two to a thousand in a second. And I guess you can argue that they are a chaos god, but it was still a little quick for my tastes. And the same cliffhanger as Amphibia season two. Really? It wouldn’t be as noticeable if Camila wasn’t reading about Andrais’ invasion on her tablet.

And we still don’t know what Luz’s palismen will be!  

This felt like a two-parter confessed into one. But it handled it well. The King’s concussion scene got a lot across beautifully in a short amount of time. Some side characters got shafted. Like do the twins even know that their parents were getting divorced. But overall it was a very existing finale. But I’m docking half a point for copying Amphibia like exactly a year after they did it. 3 ½ out of 4

[tallsuperstar]

Also DAMN Belos just going for the throat on Kikimora...literally telling her to crawl into a ditch and die

[edasnest]

What are your theories for season 2 of TOH?

OOOHH this is a good question hmmmm.....

I mean I genuinely have no clue what Belos wants the portal for, like he outright confirmed he didn’t want to invade the human realm? Which I totally get, that’s not his whole MO, not as the Titan Interpreter he’s made himself out to be. I imagine we’ll be getting more tidbits throughout next season as to why he needs the portal, whatever the Day of Unity is, etc. (I also wonder if the petrification spell was used on the giant statues that lined the chamber Luz fought him in; were those actual warriors he’d bested 50 years ago?) I know some people have pointed out the piping throughout his whole castle being a reference to an anime (full metal alchemist? If I’m remembering correctly? I haven’t seen it even though I know it’s amazing), but there were pipes and that nasty living material all over that chamber under the Conformitorium. Does the Petrification process also suck the magical energy from its victim and drain it down those pipes? Does it feed back to Belos’ castle? Whyyyyyyy is the yucky living material even there what the fuck.

No joke I’m 100% here for Lilith’s awkward integration into the Owl Family. And Eda freaking the fuck out over Luz 1) going toe to toe with the EMPEROR and 2) D E S T ROYIBG THE PORTAL WHILE SHE WAS STILL IN THE DEMON REALM. She loves that kid so much and has been looking out for her safety since they first met and now Luz has literally trapped herself in the Demon Realm with not one, but Two outlaws, one of which completely without magic to protect her and the other severely weakened. Oh, not to mention our new sneaky spy friend in the weird mask. Can’t wait to see who that is and how that affects their daily shenanigans.

I know Dana said we’d be learning more about everyone in S2 and honestly I’m so excited. I wanna meet Willow’s dads properly! I wanna know more about the Clawthorne’s past and their parents! I wanna know what makes the Blights such a goddamn terror! I want to know WHAT HAPPENED TO KING????

I genuinely think King has ties to the Titan in some degree. I don’t know how, but the reason he is how he is currently is a confirmed plot point and I can’t even begin to imagine what it actually is. Is he the Actual essence of the Titan that remains? What does it mean that he was once the King of Demons? The demons of this Realm don’t seem to even acknowledge that there was ever a ruler before Belos; at least not in regards to anything beyond witches. Witches are clearly their own species and Demons are just sort of how everyone classifies someone that’s not Genetically a witch (standard humanoid with pointed ears and a magic bile sac). And we’ve seen that demons are more than capable of mastering magic and go to school for it, there’s no forced segregation on that front, all demons and witches are treated the same. But in the tapestries we saw of “wild witches”, all the figures displayed were the humanoid Witches; no demons to be seen. Where were the demons when Belos came to power? Was King leading them? Were they inhabiting a different part of the Isles? Was King another figurehead that claimed to be able to speak to the Titan? IS he the Titan? We’ve only seen Eda’s version of his backstory in the pilot that turned out to be a lie(?) to get Luz to help them. What’s his ACTUAL backstory Dana!!!!!!!

I’d also like to know how he and Eda first met and became friends :’) cuz I’m a sucker for soft shit like that.

I also would like to know more about Boscha and Skara and the gang - what’s up with their parents, why are they bullies, how is Boscha being affected by all of her friends/teammates essentially ditching her to go be friendly with the girl she’d been tormenting all day. Not to mention the look of sheer terror on her face!!! When one girl offered Willow to join the team!!!! In front of their captain who CLEARLY doesn’t like her!!!!! Who the fuck is she?????

There are so many things the next season could cover and I’m so eager to see what they WILL cover. I know we’re gonna get some exploration re: Blights, King, “getting to know everyone a little more”, etc. I do think we’re going to see what the Day of Unity is in the season premiere. If I had to die on a hill, that’s the one I wanna stake my claim in. It was mentioned like two or three times that the day was “fast-approaching” and I can’t imagine they’d time skip just right past that.

[vipervisionsart]

I am depression

Have it, lived with it for upteenth amount of years, and only now starting to realize that the depression is but a mere symptom of a larger self-esteem to disciplinary to compulsiveness disorder.

I want a true medical diagnosis besides that of which is a blanket statement of “mood disorder” as my symptoms fit descriptions of too many disorders and no doctor has yet to commit to just one. It was bi-polar depression at first; “it’s what we believe but are not sure of” but still declined for me to be tested for it; then it’s full fledged bi-polar disorder, moving to OCD, schizophrenia, mania, until everyone decided to leave my mental health in the air with the simple blanket statement of “you definitely have A mood disorder” but we’re also not going to run any tests to be sure. Have a nice day! Don’t kill yourself next time!

Pfft. Then the American Health Care System prescribed me medications that hurt more than helped due to the lack-of research and decisiveness of my health. 

I don’t take those medications any longer and I don’t plan to. It’s been happening for as long as I can remember, when I tell my stories I always start at the climax of the events, this is the shortened but full version, I moved to the United States when I was 4 about to turn 5. Prior, I lived on a farm with my mother’s boss; whom I believe to this day she was sleeping with. She met my step-father in the Philippians, the true nature I don’t believe I’ve been truthfully told, via newspaper ad stating she was a young woman looking for a husband. My father wrote to her after seeing the ad and took her on some dates. He moved back to the states and they wrote letters to each other; he would send her money and she would send back gifts she made for him. I was told they fell in-love.

Meanwhile, I was being raised by my 7 uncles and my mom’s best friend Z, who I’ve only ever known as my auntie, a Hawaiian islander who came to the Philippians to study nursing. She would show me dancing and my uncles showed me how to work with concrete and clay. I had an uncle that would take me to the bathroom with him. My mother told me when I was 12 she saw me come out of the bathroom with him and “knew instantly” I would be a “bad child.” He was never reprimanded by my family; only by God when he died of a heart attack because of the devastating hurricane. I found solace and peace when my mother left to attend his funeral and visit her family for 6mo. 

When I first moved to the states, I wanted to be one of the American Girls I would see on TV and movies. Short skirts, tank tops, ripped leggings, a cellphone, over sized sunglasses, with long, straight, blonde hair, and blue eyes. I wanted glitter on everything and pink streaks through it all. My parents; didn’t want that for me, at first. Because I liked to play in dirt, a trait a child would pick up growing up on a farm with no toys, and attracted many boys as friends; I was a tomboy. My mom cut my hair short and bought me only boy’s clothing. I wasn’t allowed to play with my friend’s outside of school. NO. 

I was meant to clean the house when I got home, do my homework, and help my mother with whatever she wanted help with. I felt trapped all the time. I remember asking to have play dates and my parent’s always saying no. My mom would hide me away in her room if I convinced one of my friend’s parents to come over and ask my parents to let me play.

I wore overalls, baggy pants, collared shirts, capri shorts (the colored plaid ones), and sneakers up until I was about 7 years old. During this time, if I didn’t clean up my mother would beat me until I couldn’t scream anymore. If we went out in public and I didn’t stay by her side she would hold my shirt close to my neck and slowly pull it closed until my breath was shaky and I was too lightheaded to run away. I would try to tell her how I felt and she would yell at me until I didn’t want to talk anymore. I learned that speaking up is only going to end wrong for me no matter the situation, if she was involved. She would pinch me if I said anything to embarrass her in front of my father’s high society friends. I would be pinched if I said anything to irritate her in public regardless of who was around. It was always away from the eyes of the public.

She made me fear my home life. She made me fear telling the truth. She made me fear being myself. I was lucky enough to remember my auntie Z; “Someone might throw water on your fire, but never let it extinguish your flame. Burn brighter than the Sun. You are a Goddess by your own rights” and understood that even she is not enough to break me. I knew at a young age that individualism is so important, as it is what allows each human to keep living on, pushing past, and moving forward. I knew to never get stuck in a cycle I didn’t create for myself.

I begged my father to let me join the afterschool program and that he would pick me up as late into the day as possible. I was lucky that he worked a 9-5 and often picked up overtime which would mean as many hours away from my house as it could be permitted. From 7am-8pm I was free, and I took advantage of that. I ditched elementary school all the time with friends and we would take cars and steal things from stores and talk about boys, sex, drama, and our parents. My friends hated my mother more than I did. I knew she was probably a product of something more sinister. I tried to explain to my friends about the other worlds, the realms that things exist and no longer exist, and how religion and how all spiritualistics worked. I tried to explain why everyone should be wanting to push for enlightenment above all else so that we may transcend the human “death” but become creators of those in the past, present, and future.

What 10-12 year old listens to a 7 year old anyway? I picked up tarot reading.

I was almost 8 years old when I found out my mother was pregnant with my brother. I was so happy. Finally someone else. That’s when they started to switch. It wasn’t “lady-like” of me to dress the way I dressed and to play the way I played. I started getting beat for sitting in chairs incorrectly, for eating my food incorrectly, for snoring when I slept, for sleeping wildly in a shared bed, for having nightmares and waking people up, for asking questions a young lady should never ask, and for thinking that I was not responsible for grown people who pay bills tasks. I was taught to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for myself and for the family if the family asks for it. I was taught to always clean up at the end of the day no matter how tired I am for at least 25 minutes. I was taught how to balance my mother’s checkbook and how to count money and hide it.

If I didn’t, I was beat. If I didn’t do it fast enough, I was beat. If things went missing in the house, even if they didn’t belong to me and I had nothing to do with it, I was blamed... and then I was beat. She would take bamboo sticks to my legs and elbows, for proper posture, stance, and gait. I would endure hangers; plastic, wooden, and metal, even past the point of breaking them (which caused a lot of scarring on my thighs, stomach, and hips) if my speed and white-gloved-finger-sweep across the wood wasn’t up to par. I would get the belt, the paddle, and the whip if I didn’t understand the task given to me or if I didn’t do it properly. From 8 years old until 12 years old I was repeatedly asked to take care of my brother, cook, and clean or else I would get beat. My beatings were from 3/4 times a week to 3/4 times a day. It depended on the levels of stress she was under. Though she created it all to begin with, but I’ll digress.

I started sneaking out when I was 9. I would meet my friends and we would go off to one of their houses and talk. We all acted like we weren’t getting treated the same at home. Well, I know for a fact one of my closest friends at the time, a Gemini from Louisiana, knew exactly what I was going through. We had a heart to heart where she shared her personal traumas and I shared mine. We became really close. 

I started realizing my dad wasn’t one for confrontation. I realized he was so non-confrontational, I snuck out of school and went to my house with some friends and he came home early and saw us; he didn’t care as long as we stayed out of his way. That’s when I started realizing the type of woman my mother was and how her raising me affected me. She’d been manipulating him this whole time. She got whatever she wanted and I would get whatever I wanted if I went to him directly. I started getting closer to my dad and his side of the family because they were givers. My mother and I are takers.  

She began to realize that I was smart. So she locked me away. She tried to keep me from my father. She created a false sexual assault allegation against him and moved me in with an elderly couple from church. She wanted me to lie to the police and tell them he had been touching me. I didn’t. It made her really mad so she stopped letting me go to the bathroom and would have me sit in her car until I had to piss or defecate myself. I pissed myself in the front yard of the elderly couple’s home while they watched. They got mad and kicked us out. I didn’t know at the time that a private investigator my dad hired to clear his reputation and prove his innocence was also watching. He had evidence to believe that it was actually my other parent that was abusing me. 

It was then that I held some power but my father showed the police all the things he bought me and all the pictures we took of us having a good time and they believed I had a great home life. I begged and pleaded with so many officers to look at the scars on my body because they are all because of my mother. My father is innocent, yes, but my mother is not please take her away or I’ll die!! My first suicide attempt was at 9 years old.

I started cutting myself. I died my hair and wore all black and joined the 2010 scene-kid scene. I wanted to fit in and belong. I started starving myself and forcing toothbrushes, school spoon-forks, and my fingers down my throat whenever I ate. I started to internalize all of the abuse. My second suicide attempt was 3 months after. I then turned 10 years old.

I attempted suicide 4 more times before I was sent to live in a group home for a year and a half. I wanted nothing more than to be home but all of the internalized trauma really did a number on me. I was acting out and rash and I would destroy things and become violent when angered. It was always toward my family, I never acted this way outside of it. Hm. Wonder why.

When I came back from the group home, my dad had my mom moved out and that’s when I found peace. I didn’t act out as much. I started middle school and for the first time ever I had community. I made life-long friends in middle school. This is where I like to say I truly began life. My trauma was a thing of the past. Until my mother decided she still had a say in my life and what I chose to do and I relapsed all over again. 

I started using drugs. I became a scholarly drug addict. I felt like I had something to prove but a whole lot of fucks not to give to anything else. It was humiliating, in retrospect. I started using heavy. My first OD was my sophomore year in highschool. My second OD was the summer before Junior year. My third OD was 2 months before Junior year ended. My last OD was February 14, 2019. I graduated highschool in May 2018. 

I moved out of the house when I turned 18 in 2017. I moved to the other half of California where I would be rid of my mother and her meddlesome ways. Through all that time, I still had forgiveness in my heart and gave her many chances to show me growth but all it showed me was her stagnation, inability to change, and her simple presence being nothing but a trigger for me. I still didn’t act out. As a direct result of my trauma, I can become extremely verbally abusive when aggravated and, when pushed passed the point of anger, extremely destructive. I tried to explain that to my abusers, whom continue to refuse to understand and continue to subject me to mental abuse on a daily basis since having to move back in with her after the trauma that was my ex.

When one of my life-long friends that I met in middleschool started unveiling the verbally abusive side of me, I had to sit her down and speak with her from my heart to let her know none of it is her fault. That it is a result of a trauma still left to be processed within me and to listen to my warning signs so she might not have to face the hurling bullet that is my mouth. Since that day, she understands and we have never faced a disagreement that turned sour ever again. It is simple once you understand the person.

In March of 2019, a month after declaring my personal war on drugs and staying clean, I fell in love with my ex. We were fine for a while. Then I started receiving boatloads of gaslighting and mental abuse on my psyche. I started acting out shortly after moving in with him. It was unsightly. It was embarrassing. I thought I had a lot more control over myself but I didn’t; I couldn’t have! We were getting into physical altercations and verbal abuse showdowns and it wasn’t doing either of us any good. We were both broken. 

I moved out and sought after more peace within myself. Thinking this whole time I had been the abusive one when (while it is still the case) my abuse was a direct result of the abuse I endured. It always has been. Though how I reacted is still not right, it’s not right to pretend that I am the only person who needs to take the blame.

When a child acts out due to a bad home life, a teacher will recognize that and give the child an outlet to use at school. When an adult in a toxic relationship acts out, a good friend will recognize that and give the adult the advice or push or drive they need to free themselves and find a better outlet. I find that my trauma has a tendency to make me relieve the desperation and sadness that I once felt many years ago, on the same days that I was most desperate and most sad. I find that my trauma has a tendency to manifest in obsessive and compulsive thoughts. I find that my trauma has a tendency to be skeptical of all and every one and thing. I find that my trauma has shaped me to be the person I am today and while there are many things I will be taking and learning from my trauma; the homemaker, the tomboy, the forgiveness, and the perfectionist, there are still things I am working to be rid of; the skepticism, the compulsiveness, the abuser that is my tongue, and the violence. 

I make clear to anyone that comes into my life and wishes to be close with me that I have these things to work on and to heed my warning signs lest they wish to be caught in my hurricane. I hope that one day I don’t have to give a warning for myself anymore.