#didn’t mean for this to turn into a mini crash course lol but you mentioned safety and a cartoon lightbulb turned on over my head

[bromcommie]

Where do you download your clips and music from for the videos you make? I am trying to find a safe way to download them

Hi! So, strictly hypothetically speaking, you have a few options. Apologies if I dumb any of this down too much or go too far into detail—I just don’t know what level of familiarity you’re coming from. I am also going off of personal experience doing this for some 10-15 years with minimal issues, but I’m also in no way an IT expert, so take my safety advice with that in mind, lol.

Downloading online video/audio

For clips off of YouTube (where I get my music and most of the archival footage I use, for example) or any other websites, I recommend yt-dlp. I recently switched to it from using the regular old online YT converters that are chock full of bullshit, and I am never going back. It might seem a bit intimidating if you’ve never dealt with a command line interface before, but it’s actually pretty easy to use, plus it allows you to pull from a bunch of websites and gives you a lot more flexibility and options in general, plus it’s by far the safest option, and versions of it have been around for a while so there’s a lot of information about it online. Here’s a breakdown of it. The article also has a link to an install guide, which is what I used. And here’s a GUI (Graphical User Interface) you can use with it to make it easier if you’re planning on doing this more than once.

Option 2 for short form videos and music, like I said, are YouTube to MP3/4 “converters”. It might be quicker in that you don’t have to set up a whole thing for it, but it’s also way less reliable and those websites tend to get blocked up by YT often besides, so you might need to click around a little to find a viable one. Versions of Y2Mate, Online Video Converter and the like did the trick for me in the past, but I don’t know what the current situation is. They can also be a bit shady and annoying as hell, which brings me to my next point:

Online safety! And a brief PSA about it.

First thing’s first, let me preface this with a little general message. I’m sorry anon, I know that’s not what you’re here for and please don’t take this to be directed at you specifically, but I’ve been hearing a lot of fearful sentiment about downloading/“off-brand” streaming from people wanting to escape the Netflix et al. streaming nightmare for a long while now, so I feel compelled to include this:

In my humble experience, downloading stuff off the internet outside of paid services is really not as terrifying or dangerous as some people make it out to be. Honestly, as someone who did their online growing up in the 2000s on the “underdeveloped” side of the internet when it was a lot easier to catch a random virus online as a regular home user, at this point in the internet’s evolution I am far more concerned about technically legal breaches of privacy by various assorted government bodies and corporations than I am by random hackers. Secondly, you are never 100% safe online, no matter what you do—if someone really wants in on your device, accounts, etc, they’ll get in. And yeah, some behavior patterns might make you more vulnerable to attacks. That’s the bad news. Good news is, you’re currently probably not the most profitable target. Also good news: you can regulate how you browse and download, and there are precautions you can take against at least the run-of-the-mill hostile stuff, and none of them are too complicated.

Okay, back to ripping stuff off of YouTube through websites. Again, I think yt-dlp is at the very least less annoying than converter sites (which btw are basically the same thing, just with more hassle), but if you’re gonna do it, I strongly suggest you use an adblocker if you don’t already have one in order to make things easier for yourself and not have to play whack-a-mole with pop-ups every time you try to download something (UBlock Origin is a popular one) + a browser like Mozilla Firefox as opposed to Google Chrome or Safari—this is a recommendation for everybody, tbh, regardless of whether or not you download stuff off of the internet—and then just to exercise caution and common sense. I don’t think these sites are extremely dangerous but they do tend to aggressively advertise to you/try to pull low-level scams, and there’s a chance they’ll try to download something other than the target file to your computer—most commonly adware or malware or a fucking Android app. These files tend to seem off—they usually end in a weird extension instead of regular .wav/.mp3/.mp4 etc. media extensions, or they have a shitty little blank icon in your downloads folder. Don’t open them. Yeet them into the trash where they belong, clear it out, and you should be fine. It’ll just be a pain in the ass.

Movies/shows/etc. + more safety for beginners

Some people (totally not me though…) use torrent clients like, say, qBittorrent, along with websites such as the current favorite, 1337x (NOT thepiratebay, for the love of god) which have a very wide variety of content available.

Now, if you’re just looking to download movies, TV shows, or music, and you’re using trusted websites and clients (this is where researching and keeping up with what people are saying comes in handy) you’re not that likely to run into anything that might harm you in my experience, as long as you’re not downloading and running anything that’s executable along with those media files. However, depending on where in the world you are and how strictly enforced your country’s copyright laws are, you might want to get a VPN—which is not bulletproof, but it should mostly hide your activity from your internet service provider. If in doubt whether you really need it or not, look up your local laws/experiences from people in your area, just to avoid getting slapped on the wrist by your ISP. (Mandatory checkpoint to say this would technically mean breaking the law, yada yada, I am not encouraging this, yada yada.)

In all seriousness, I still recommend getting a VPN even if your country’s lax about copyright. It’s a decent privacy tool, same as with the adblocker + Firefox combo, and there’s a bunch of cheap or even free but solid ones out there.

In any case, the same best safety practice rules apply with torrenting as with the converters, and much of the “higher risk” side of the internet in general: don’t let the big talk of malware (or the relatively rare threat of direct legal action) scare you, but—and I know I’m repeating myself here, bear with me—common sense and other people’s experiences are your best friends. If a pop-up somehow sneaks past, don’t click on it. Don’t allow notifications, camera or mic access, or any other similar prompts asking for permission from your browser that might get triggered. If something seems off to you, or is unfamiliar, look it up. It’s also a good idea to look at the file info and comment section on the torrents before downloading—it doesn’t hurt to check if what’s in there matches up with what it says on the tin, and also because if the torrent is popular enough yet contains something fishy or something that’s just broken, there’ll usually be someone in the comments saying so—they might be a troll, or they might be someone saving you the trouble. Your torrent client will also prompt you to confirm which files within the torrent you want to download, which is another way to check if anything in there might be suspicious. And again, as a main rule of thumb, avoid anything with weird/unexpected extensions. If for example you want to download a Captain America movie (which haha again you totally shouldn’t, of course, that’d be copyright infringement🤠) chances are a legit torrent will have a file in it called CaptainAmericaMovie.mkv or .mp4 or .avi, and maybe a subtitle file and some kind of text file with info about the torrent and where it came from, which is all cool. But if there’s also a file in there that says .exe or .iso or .bat or whatever, then that’s something you want to steer clear of.

If you haven’t done this before, I feel like r/piracy’s megathread is a good place to start that outlines a lot of the stuff I mentioned, and I’m sure someone on here has compiled a guide that’s way more thorough than what I just word-vomited. Anyway, you get the hang of it pretty quickly, especially recognizing all the suspicious stuff, and while there are still risks it’s really not all that high stakes (nor cool, tbh) as those YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A TELEVISION PSAs make it out to seem, as long as you take minimal precautions.

And finally, if you’d still rather not sail the high seas as it were, there’s always the option of scouring the web for people that are hosting Google drives and the like with the media you’re looking for. I’ve personally never done that, but I’ve seen some masterposts float by occasionally and know a few people that get their media that way. Tumblr and Reddit might be a good place to start looking.

Hope some of that was helpful, and happy downloading!

[dc41896]

Slurs and Stumbles

Pairing: Lewis TanxBlack Reader

⚠️: Light mentions of drinking, but fluff other than that💕!

Humming along to the music playing in the background, you continue drawing in your sketch book. You were meaning to create some new designs for a while now and finally having some down time, it was the perfect moment. Plus, you needed something to do to stay up while you waited for Lewis to get back from his boys night.

He told you not to wait up since he’d probably get back late, but still you wanted to stay awake as long as you could to make sure he got back safely.

Finishing up the jacket you feel your phone vibrate your leg flashing Jay’s name, one of Lewis’ friends.

Jay: Hey Y/N, we’re on the way back to your place

Y/N: Ok, I’m in the living room so I can open the door. How was everything?

Jay: Good! But I’m gonna go ahead and warn you Lewis is extra litty lol

Y/N: 🤦🏾‍♀️ Oh boy lol, thanks for telling me I’ll take care of everything when he gets here

———

Distracted by your phone, the jingle of keys against the door startles you as you rush to look out the peephole making sure it was Lewis and his friends back from hanging out.

“Babbyyy!!!,” Lewis greets holding his arms out for you, cheeks red and eyes looking tired.

“Hi honey,” you smile helping him in the house, hoping you can manage the very taller man and not crash down with him if he happened to stumble. “Thanks for taking care of him Jay. You got Luke?”

“No problem and yea I got him, he’s gonna crash with me.”

“Heyyy Y/N, drinking was definitely not my idea....ok it was but don’t tell!,” Luke laughs leaning on Jay for support.

“Yep and that’s our cue we need to leave. Bye guys,” Jay waves with his free hand.

“Bye, text me when you guys get back to your place!”

Locking the door, you turn your attention to your boyfriend currently laying on the couch with feet hanging over the arm rest.

“This is gonna be fun,” you sigh making your way to the giggling giant.

“Baby come on you want to get in bed?”

“Nooo I want to cuddle!,” he whines reaching out for you.

“Ok we can cuddle, but don’t you want to get comfortable first?”

“Noo cuddle pleasee!”

“Alright alright, but you gotta make room.”

Sitting one leg to the side off of the couch, you now can slide between his legs to lie down on his chest. Wrapping his arms around your body, you feel the heat radiate from his body making you glad you usually kept it cold in the house.

“So did you have fun?,” you ask propping up on your chin.

“Mhmm,” he sleepily smiles leaning down to kiss your forehead. “What did you do?”

“I started a couple sketches for some new designs, listened to music, nothing special.”

“Ohh I want to see!” Holding you as he sits up, he doesn’t give you a chance to protest before leading you to the desk table to get your book.

Not without a few stumbles followed by curse words from Lewis of course.

“Babe we can look at them tomorrow, you should probably get some sleep.”

“But I’m excited for them!,” he responds bending down to lie his head on your shoulder as he gently sways you back and forth making you laugh.

“Ok here’s what I worked on so far. I finished one outfit but just started this one before you guys got here,” you explain watching him look at the pages as if he was trying to decipher a secret code.

“Whoaaa, I love it! Your mind I swear it amazes me,” he smiles kissing your temple. “Sorry we interrupted you though.”

“No you didn’t interrupt me! I was getting tired so I stopped for the night.”

“You sure? I can wait outside?,” Lewis suggests turning to walk towards the door before being plopped back down on the couch by you.

“Yes love I’m sure,” you laugh, slightly out of breath from the mini workout you were getting. “I’m also sure that you need to go to bed and since I know I’m not gonna be able to carry you to the room, we’re sleeping out here.”

“Aye aye captain!,” he salutes, chuckling to himself.

Removing everything but his boxers so he could be more comfortable, you drape one of your blankets over his body before momentarily leaving to get more pillows.

“I love you Y/N,” he sleepily says as you return, placing a couple pillows under his head and behind his back.

“Love you too Lewis.”

“No no like I seriously love you like I’d marry you now. You know what? Let’s go get married!”

“I appreciate the idea, but let’s maybe wait and do that another day ok?,” you reason lifting the blanket and squeezing in the small space between his side and the back of the couch.

“Ok...what do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like name something you want and I’ll get it right now.”

“You don’t need to get me anything just go to sleep ok?,” you respond kissing his jaw since you couldn’t reach his cheek.

“Fine, you can have the Porsche for a week.”

“I-wait huh? Babe I didn’t say anything about a Porsche.”

“I know but you got it, Happy Birthday! I’ll even tell myself so I don’t forget.”

Slightly shifting to lean towards the coffee table, he picks up his phone starting a video as he points it towards the two of you.

“I, Lewis, give up my rights to the Porsche to my baby, the love of my life, future mother of my kids, Y/N, for a week starting whatever day and time it is,” he smiles before looking at you and kissing all over your face making you laugh.

“Turn the video off first!,” you manage to say between giggles as you hit the end button. “Alright are you good now?”

“Very,” he yawns before pulling you in closer to his body and finally falling asleep.

———

“I’m going to the store to get some things I’ll be back in a few,” you say picking up the car keys before kissing his forehead as he eats a bowl of cereal.

“Alright, be safe,” he smiles before noticing which keys you were holding. “Hey wait, that’s the Porsche keys.”

“Yea I know. Is there a problem with me driving it?,” you smirk knowing this would happen when he woke up.

“No I mean you can drive it, it’s just kinda different since you always drive your car.”

“Well last night a certain someone relinquished all their rights to said Porsche.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Don’t believe me? Check your phone at the latest video in your pictures.”

Following your directions, he opens his phone to play the video from him lying on the couch, slightly slurring his words and in fact giving you a week with the car.

“Ok but I was drunk babe, even you could tell I didn’t know what I was saying,” he chuckles.

“You know what they say though, drunken words are sober thoughts,” you smile, waving with the keys in your hand before walking out the door.

“Aye be careful! And go the speed limit!,” he calls after you, shaking his head as he watches you pull out of the driveway.

Taglist: @beautym3 @crushed-pink-petals @fumbling-fanfics @lady-olive-oil @lovelymari4 @melinda-january @honeychicana @themyscxiras @iammyownlover @nunubug99 @felicity-x0 @ellixthea @jojolu @jnk-812 @brwn-sgr @captainsamwlsn @itshinothey @wildfirecracker @nina-sj

If anybody wants to be tagged, has asked to be tagged but don’t see your name, only wants to be tagged for certain people I write for, or no longer want to be tagged just let me know🤓!

[rakuyokoyo]

APWTCB: I hope BNHA goes to America!

Hello! Quick updates, some Koyo Predicts with some APWTCB notes, and RD chapter 14 snippets!

—

Romance Dawn (a One Piece Story) chapter 14 is finally in the editing phase. It’s the last chapter of the arc and the future of RD seems very unclear, hence the long writing time. I plotted 130 chapters back in 2016, but now it looks like there needs to be another revamp as my standards have changed. Sigh.

I’m not rewriting anything, but I think some of the story for future arcs post-Amare needs serious attention. What I decide to do next will change the ending of chapter 14, so I’m sorry for the long wait!

APWTCB (a BNHA story) are the acronyms for TBE’s new title! There were three major reasons as to why I never published APWTCB: (1), there are twelve OC families, but I wasn’t sure how to write eleven of them (lol), (2) I’ve become increasingly anal about chapter titles, and of course, chapter 1′s title was the hardest to choose, and (3), I wasn’t happy with the original name for this story because it didn’t hit hard enough for all the love and labour I’d put in.

Surprisingly, I was able to solve these issues last week! I still don’t think chapter 1 will be out anytime soon, but the chapter title has changed from TBE to APWTCB. Yes it’s long, yes it’s ugly, but I think it suits the story much better. TBE Notes and #tbenotes will both be altered to APWTCB Notes/#APWTCBnotes from now on.

—

Koyo Predicts/APWTCB Notes:

So, the end of an arc. Chapter 253 and the start of the Paranormal Liberation War Arc began on December 9th, 2019, and is (likely) on its last legs, over a year later.

I wrote a few predictions (here) last year and they went pretty well, with the big wringer being able to guess Bakugo’s hero name. I don’t make predictions to gloat or even start a conversation, but fanfiction writing requires you to assume certain things will happen, especially if you’re writing an OC.

I’d call these less predictions, and more of ‘this is what I’m assuming is going to happen, so I’ll write accordingly’.

The way that this arc ends doesn’t exactly matter—Twitter seems to think Deku will have his own mini-arc with the vestiges. Sure.

There may be a 1-A or 1-B student who dies or leaves (after being revealed to  be the traitor), and Shinso Hitoshi will fill the seat.

I also think BNHA might end—at least the Hero Academia side of it. They might focus more on pt. 2 with Movie 3 and the ‘WHA’ badges the Origin Trio had on their arms and go global. (World Hero Association?) Maybe a timeskip as well.

I’d personally love it if the cast goes abroad. This is a bit of spoilers, but Kana was raised in France/United States (California), so it’d be nice to not have to bring everyone to Japan. From the twelve families that I mentioned earlier, many of them still live in L.A and have hero names that are created from compounded words: Warmachine, Foxnine, Stormchaser, Braveheart, Heartmender, Oathkeeper, Lovelace, and Overdrive are the major ones for now.

The direction of BNHA has been... odd with the start of Season 4/Shie Hassaikai arc, and APWTCB has been especially hard to write because I’m never sure how dark BNHA will turn, or what Horikoshi’s end goal is. Regardless, Kana’s story continues to be written and Scrivener tells me I’ve hit 200k words yesterday! It’s looking to be extremely dark which was the opposite of what I wanted, but it’s also a story about hope, and I want to do it justice.

—

Romance Dawn chapter 14 snippet: sorry for the wait!

She tried over and over again.

Most of her nights on Root Island had been dreamless and uneventful—no memories of the past and certainly no predictions of the future. Always dark, dark, and alone, helping her rest well for the next uneventful day.

But now there was someone she specifically wanted to meet, and yet she was never there.

What do I have to do? She found herself asking daily. How can I see you again, Amare?

The answers were disappointing.

One thing that’d changed from her time on Root Island, however, was that she did dream—quite frequently, in fact. Instead of the vast expanse of familiar darkness, she found herself time to time on a cliffside that poked out from a seemingly infinite forest. Next to her was a massive waterfall, the waves crashing down onto a pretty pond below her. Connecting the cliff to the other side, however, was a red, arched bridge with a pale, wooden flooring. The other side didn’t look too interesting—just another forest—but something inside of her always hesitated when she thought about crossing. The shide streamers tied onto the side of the traditional bridge swayed gently with the soft tickle of wind, tugging on her hazel hair.

Something about the scenery made her heart hurt. A weight that made her uncomfortable, but not painful enough to cry out. On some of the rougher nights she felt that the weight was replaced with a hole—as if someone had carved out a part of her heart and was forcing her to live like a fish on dry land.

She also knew that the days on the Moby Dick had gone by disturbingly fast, to the point where everything became blurry and melded into a giant mush of colours. The funeral proceedings for Carlos’ platoon and Amare had gone by without a hitch but she could barely recall any of the details. There were no more tears left to cry. No more strength left to fight.

“What’s the point of a funeral with an empty casket?” She’d asked her captain when they stopped by a nearby island. “That little girl is out there somewhere, so far away from home. Can’t you at least bring her body back with your influence?”

The captain gave her a careful glance. “I’ve contacted Sengoku, but…”

“But what?”

Falco shook her head quickly. Many of her crewmates had come to her, offering condolences and words of hope and strength in an attempt to lessen her grief, and Falco realized for the first time how many people truly seemed to care for her. Florence always made sure to pop between her rounds, checking up on her before scurrying away to tend to another injury. Thatch and Marco treated her like nothing happened, trying to lift her spirits with their usual jokes and antics. People she’d never even talked to asked if she was all right, if she needed anything or if there was anything they could to ease the burden a bit. She appreciated the help, honestly, but there actually wasn’t much in her head. There’d been no tears after they’d returned. No pain.

Nothing.

One thing she had noticed though was the dormant memory problem—like her brain was lacking storage and the only thing that it could do was to either throw out the oldest memories or the most painful ones. Root Island was all but a distant past now, and the only thing she could remember was the very first time she’d met her two best friends—a man brighter than the sun and a little girl who always seemed to know her better than she did herself.

Although Falco knew she couldn’t exactly control who she wanted to remember and what she wanted to let go, the possibility that she could forget everything that hurt her one day felt comforting, in a way.

Amare.

Fingers curled up to a tight fist as her heart felt the resolve that she so desperately needed.

I have to leave, she told herself, feeling the tears roll down her cheeks. Leave, and never look back. Think of this as a happy dream with a tragic ending.

But to forget hurt would mean forgetting Love. And yet, remembering Amare would mean reliving that nightmare over and over again. The sound of Ace’s heart shattering into a million pieces. Her screams and cries that refused to bring a little girl back to life. The desperate shouting of everyone around her, trying to get her to wake up. A flatline.

The rose pendant felt heavy around her neck.

[solecize]

.  .  .  𝑩𝑨𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑶𝑭 𝑼𝑺  (EPILOGUE) |

— — sometimes it’s the right person and the wrong time and place. you always thought that fate had more in store for you and jung jaehyun, but the college basketball player who once broke your heart and pieced it back together went missing for years on end after the crash of your relationship. now, you’ve put everything in the hands of fate.

note: not proofread of course this is probably shit bc its 4am also literally who the fuck asked for this to be so long lmao well, here it is. i originally wasn’t going to post this because i was satisfied with part twenty but clearly i wasn’t bc i added all of this lol and also everyone keeps asking for it 

MAY 27TH, 2022. 7:07 PM KST.

there was nothing you hated more than love songs.

they were lame, cheesy, and reminded you of your failed love life. however, since sooyoung never came to visit seoul, she insisted that she had full control of your apartment’s speakers for her short stay here. in fact, sooyoung made herself quite at home. johnny insisted that he would sleep on the couch and that she should take his bedroom, while she proceeded to redecorate yours. that included your closet.

“good lord, is this from high school? why don’t you own anything other than a variant of the same three colours? is this MINE?” sooyoung flung clothes left and right as she rummaged through your wardrobe. in the background, old ed sheeran slow dance-type songs was on full blast, leaving you in a puddle of irritation on your bed.

you snapped your head up to see sooyoung holding a red mini skirt that you vaguely remembered shoving beneath your workout clothes because you weren’t sure where to put it. “i dunno, probably.” you gave a half shrug.

she rolled her eyes and flung it into the pile that she’d been working on. “you have absolutely no formal clothing here. are you just going to show up to doyoung’s wedding in this stripper dress?” your friend of many, many years grumbled. “listen, i know it’s been a while since you’ve gotten laid, but. . .”

“ew, stop it.”

“am i wrong?” sooyoung cocked an eyebrow. “ever since you broke up with jaehyun, as far as i know and as far as lucas and i have gossiped, you have barely kept a relationship since.” 

the mention of your ex boyfriend left you having no choice but to hurl one of your throw pillows at sooyoung, aiming for her head, but she effectively ducked down in time. although it’d been quite some time since the split, you still weren’t comfortable talking about jaehyun. you’d casually dated here and there, but nothing really lasted longer than a month. you blamed it on school and dance and work, which were all genuinely busy for you, but it didn’t seem right.

you said, “god. don’t say it like that, it’s pathetic!” plain embarrassing, really. “it’s been, like, three years.”

that didn’t mean that the thoughts of jaehyun didn’t plague your mind from time to time. he’d sometimes creep up with your thoughts at night, keeping you tossing and turning for hours. you always figured that it was what life intended to happen, despite the fact that you were the one who voluntarily ended it.

after becoming an official couple during your freshman year, the two of you had a wonderful time together. however, it didn’t take long for reality to sink in when jaehyun’s graduation date was fast approaching. generally, it wasn’t supposed to be a problem, but then he revealed something to you that he himself admitted that he should’ve told you about far sooner. law school. you always figured that jaehyun would want to continue studying in seoul, where his family was and where his feet seemed to be permanently set. that was the beginning of the end and down came crashing the supposed plans that the two of you were supposed to have.

before meeting you, jaehyun planned to move back to america and attend law school there. he revealed that he never told you about it because he decided that he would stay in korea for you. obviously, you weren’t going to have any of that. it was his dream—and a hell of a hard dream to get into, you did your research—and there was no way in hell that you were going to let him give it up for you. 

“i’ll always need you” was what he told you before he left. it was never supposed to be the end and you thought that three years was nothing. looking back, it was definitely naive to assume that the sudden change of jaehyun’s position from across the city district to across the world wasn’t going to affect you.

you remembered the first signs of the relationship’s downfall. they were subtle and you couldn’t have possibly noticed them back them, however in retrospect, you truly should have. postponed upon postponed skype sessions, forgetting important dates, and of course, the arguments.  immaturity made the fights worse, a trait evident in him considering the nature of the bet, but you decided that he was bettering himself. you and jaehyun were fairly young and possessed equally destructive tempers. 

at the end of everything, after the summer of your life and the pitfalls that came with the autumn semester, you and jaehyun called it quits on valentine’s day. it was his birthday and a holiday of love, but the feeling was mutual. there was still love between the two of you, but it was decided that life had a different plan. sometimes, it was the right person, but the wrong time and place. from that point on, you lived life the way it was meant to be. 

the sound of the front door opening brought you back to reality. you hadn’t noticed, too busy reminiscing about your past, but sooyoung was delivering a tirade about your love life. there were bits and pieces that you caught onto, including how you “never put yourself first anymore” and how “ballet wasn’t going to put a ring on your finger,” but you chose to mute her out. thankfully, she stopped when she, too, heard the front door open. 

“johnny?” she called out, as she turned her music down from her phone.

a muffle acknowledgement could be heard and not even seconds later, johnny appeared at your bedroom doorway. he wore a sleek maroon suit and a matching tie, an outfit that was probably worth more than quadruple your rent. these days, johnny looked exhausted at home, yet still managed to find ways to mask his humanity while he was at work.

despite the fact that you lived with him in an average two bedroom apartment, he was still john seo, heir to some big shot insurance company and son to one of korea’s most renowned chefs. it was easy to forget, as you always saw him as just another brainless jock in college. things changed after johnny was left high and dry when sicheng left to further his modelling career, doyoung went to teachers’ college, and jaehyun disappeared to the other side of the world. the latter was what truly brought the two of you together.

for quite some time, you continued to hold a grudge against johnny for the idiotic bet that he commenced. it took some effort, but after deciding to get to know jaehyun all over again, you realized that you might as well show johnny the same kindness. you did so, and discovered that johnny was still the same goofy person that you thought you knew. he’d definitely grown a greater appreciation for you after you helped him with his injury that fateful night. sure, he was a little bit immature at times, but you saw that the end of his college career was what forced him to grow up. it was like reality had finally sunk in when all of his friends left and he had no choice but to uphold the promise he made to his father as a teenager and work for the family company. usually, he would have turned to jaehyun for comfort and hurt from the absence of his best friend. at the same time, you also felt the same way after he left and inevitably, the two of you turned to each other and thus, blossomed a deeper friendship with the man, more than you’d ever expected.

“i still can’t believe you willingly choose to live in this apartment with y/n instead of a big house like you can probably afford,” sooyoung said out of nowhere, eyeing his appearance.

you retorted, “there’s no fun in that.” it was true, johnny could probably move out at any second he wanted to. since sooyoung moved to france, the arrangement came naturally. he moved into the apartment that once belonged to lucas and sooyoung, then you and sooyoung, after lucas moved closer to campus. eventually it was just you, who could not pay the rent as one person, alone. two years later, the system was still in tact and johnny told you that he was never in a rush to move out, as he always thought it would feel lonely to live alone. 

you’d effectively had enough of sooyoung’s attempt at being a personal stylist and got up yourself, making your way to scour your closet for an outfit.

“don’t tell me you’re looking for something to wear to the wedding. there’s literally two days left.” johnny grimaced, looking around the room, where the floor could barely be seen due to scattered articles of clothing. “dude, you’ve had so many months to find a dress.”

sooyoung poked his chest. “not everybody owns two hundred different suits, jonathan.”

it wasn’t as much of a travesty as sooyoung made it out to be, but your closet did look pretty bad. there wasn’t exactly a myriad of options that screamed wedding, except for one or two dresses that you pictured better in your mind when you thought of options that you already owned. this was going to be a pain in the ass.

“can this wait, though?” johnny glanced past your head, at the clock on the wall above your dresser. “i’m going to go pick up sicheng at the airport. i’m assuming you want to come?”

you gasped dramatically. “my wedding date is here, of course i’m coming!” a grin stretched across your face.”

all of your friends were tragically single, even the rich and famous ones like sicheng and johnny. doyoung made a remark about how none of you were probably going to find a date to the wedding. with everyone digging deep into their inner smartass, you all paired up as dates for the elementary school teacher’s wedding. it was you and sicheng and johnny and sooyoung, while lucas insisted that he was going to be objecting to the marriage during the ceremony so that he could have doyoung to himself. 

at the end of the day, you were just happy to have all of your friends in one place at once.

DECEMBER 24TH, 2019. 10:49 PM KST.

distracted by the glimmering lights of christmas, you failed to do anything about jaehyun’s standoffish behaviour. since the holiday season kicked into full swing weeks ago, you were preoccupied with juggling the christmas ballet show, buying presents for your friends, and of course, school. now, you found yourself in the middle of johnny’s family’s penthouse in gangnam, sipping on a candy cane cocktail.

“what do you mean, you’re thinking about dropping out?” your mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, as sooyoung announced the news to your group of friends. your reaction wasn’t the worse one, however, as lucas literally choked on the gingerbread man he was eating.

beside you, doyoung patted lucas’ back, trying to get him to recover. “for good?” he eyed the female.

she shrugged carelessly. “yeah. i don’t think this is for me.”

“but, you only have a year left,” said sicheng, who seemed to appear out of nowhere. you even jumped at his voice, as you thought you last saw him across the living room talking to some fancy businessmen with johnny and jaehyun.

you surveyed that side of the room, where you saw johnny still in place. ever since graduation, he was thrown right into the world of his father’s insurance company. it surprised you just how robotic he could become in front of important people, as impressive as it was, yet was able to continue be as goofy as ever with you and your friends. it was a little disappointing to see that his own christmas party was full of business, even though sicheng and jaehyun flew out back for this short amount of time. jaehyun. swiftly, you noticed that he was also missing.

tapping sicheng’s arm, you inquired, “do you know where jaehyun went?” 

it wasn’t hard to recognize his change in attitude since landing in korea. you figured it might have had something to do with the fight that the two of you had right before he left, one not about anything particularly specific, but a build up of several issues arising over the months. nonetheless, after a while, the two of you seemed to settle the conflict mutually without actually  saying anything out loud.

the two of you fought so often because of your circumstances, but forgave just as easily because you loved each other too much to let things affect you. in the long run, it wasn’t going to be healthy. the two opposing ends were simply not meant to be cancelled out.

“hm? oh, i think he went out on the balcony, the one in johnny’s room.”

sooyoung was still busy explaining her sudden desire to travel the world and while you were very concerned with your friend’s spontaneity (and also the fact that if she dropped out, you would be roommate-less, as lucas moved out), you got up from your position on the couch. weaving through the crowd was easy enough and you strolled down the narrow hallway that johnny showed you earlier, where the bedrooms were located. you picked his out easily and knocked first, to no answer. as a result, you decided to just open it up.

the entire room was dim and you could barely see anything at all, despite the little light streaming in through the blinds. beyond was johnny’s balcony, illuminated by the sights of seoul and the luminosity of the skyscrapers along the city’s skyline. you could barely make out a figure leaning against the railing. 

it was jaehyun’s red jordans that gave him away. he flew in from pennsylvania without bringing any dress shoes and it was either these basketball shoes that he gave you before leaving—of course he gave you those—or the ugly vans that he’d been wearing during the whole trip back. you knew his broad shoulders and the way he always balanced his weight on his right leg and bent his left.

you approached slowly, but he somehow managed to hear you and took a glimpse over his shoulder. he smiled softly when he saw you and slid the balcony door open.

“hey,” he said, voice quieter than usual. “i thought you’d be enjoying the party.” jaehyun wrapped one arm around your shoulders.

“you’ve barely been around, jae.” you frowned. although the two of you arrived together, he always seemed to be off to the side alone, even with the few times johnny roped him into conversation with other people. “are you tired or something? we can go home if you want.”

at that, he only shrugged. “it’s whatever.”

you studied his expression intently, possibly for answers as to why he was acting so off. it was all the jaehyun had been doing lately, shrugging everything off and acting sluggishly. it was like someone who didn’t want to be here. this was the first time you’d finally taken notice of it.

he saw the way you were looking at him and leaned in to press a kiss against your forehead, as if to reassure you, but it felt empty. there was something floating in the air that didn’t want to be said, something that didn’t want to be touched. however, the two of you continued on with smiles and left for the party once again.

MAY 28TH, 2022. 2:11 PM KST.

jaehyun hated thinking about you and the way things ended with your relationship. you’d always told him that everything happened for a reason and the end of the two of you had one as well. he just always thought that there could’ve and should’ve been something done to prevent it. of course, jaehyun placed a lot of the guilt on himself and it took a while for him to realize that some things just aren’t meant to be. 

the male rarely came home anymore. in the past three years, other than the first christmas, he only flew over for his mother’s birthday, as well as his sister’s, both of which were conveniently during the same week. he spent the holidays alone, albeit with some of his newfound friends in america. meanwhile, his old ones rarely heard from him. jaehyun chatted scarcely with his former teammates here and there, mostly talking to johnny the most because of the latter’s persistence. hell, it took doyoung weeks to get ahold of jaehyun so that he could extend the invitation to his wedding. it was a big deal when jaehyun hopped on a plane back to seoul and that was precisely why he did not tell anybody other than doyoung and johnny.

home reminded him of you. his family moved away from seoul to a quieter town years ago and while seoul was his home territory, it was always going to be a city that belonged to the two of you. even just getting off the plane and taking a look around the airport, jaehyun remembered the exact spot that he said goodbye to you. it had been three years, but after supressing the emotions and memories for years, it all came flooding back to him. he tried to shove those feeling away yet again when he caught sight of a familiar friend at the arrivals gate.

“JAEHYUN!” doyoung had never hugged jaehyun so hard in his entire life before, the newly arrived male could literally feel the breath getting squeezed out of him.

seeing doyoung again was like reuniting with a brother. “holy fuck, it’s been way too long.” he gasped for air when he was finally released.

“did you get buffer, what the hell?”

“uh, are you about to get hitched, what the hell?” 

the only other thing that jaehyun could’ve asked for was the presence of their other friends. from what doyoung told him, johnny picked sicheng up from the airport the day prior, sooyoung flew in at the beginning of the week, and y/n wrestled lucas out of his apartment to go last minute shopping today. doyoung probably noticed the way jaehyun shifted uncomfortably at the mention of his ex girlfriend’s name, but didn’t say anything.

“i’m sorry i couldn’t have come earlier,” jaehyun said, i really wanted to come to the bachelor’s party, but i had my graduation ceremony earlier this week.” both men grinned, hearing about the bachelor’s party. of course, all the crazy shit that went down was relayed to jaehyun, including how lucas gave doyoung a lap dance, jungwoo broke an entire television, how johnny and taeil pushed doyoung into a pool full of hired dancers—everything. 

doyoung shrugged it off. “don’t worry about it, but hey! congrats! you did it, you’re basically a real lawyer now.” he nudged his friend playfully. “you’re going to be living comfortably there in america with that law degree under your belt.”

a lack of response came from jaehyun’s end, as the two men made their way to the pick up section, where doyoung’s fiancee was waiting for them in the car. jaehyun figured that his late arrival would just add to the element of surprise. they talked about wedding preparations, work, and more. 

they stepped outside, through the automatic sliding doors and the seoul sun hit jaehyun’s face without hesitation. he took a deep breath—this was home and he was finally here. for the most part, at least, this was home. now, he needed to find the missing part of it.

MAY 29TH, 2022. 9:20 PM KST.

the universe felt like everything in balance for the first time in forever. the spring of your first year of college was one that was for the history books and relieving that with all of your old friends around you made you feel nothing less than content. the ending notes of an usher song faded into another one, as you and your friends took your second round of shots at the bar.

“i’m so ready to get fucked up tonight!” lucas whooped and it made you happy; you had not seen him, for a lack of better words, so wild and free in a long time.

the volume of his yell and the proximity to taeyong’s ear caused your brother to wince harshly at the assault. you giggled at that, patting his arm with sympathy. similar to lucas, taeyong rarely found time to myself and to have fun. you thought it was nice of doyoung to also invite him, considering they spent four years of their lives swearing on each others’ names, even though they never actually knew each other. he also seemed to serve as lucas’ last minute date when he realized that it was probably best that he shouldn’t object to the marriage during the ceremony. (he still muttered it under his breath, though)

there were no other words to describe the reception other than ravishing, breathtaking, or simply just beautiful. the surrounding area was full of lush gardens and trees that had absolutely no business being in the middle of bustling seoul. twinkly lights hung from pole to pole, as the sounds of laughter and music filled your ears.

with that, lucas was dragged away by sooyoung to the middle of the dancefloor and doyoung left to attend to his new wife. this left you with taeyong and sicheng. it was an hour or so into the reception and you were not nearly as drunk as you wanted to be after an exhausting day, so you ordered a cocktail for yourself. 

looking briefly back at the pair after ordering, you noticed them having an oddly intense conversation. taeyong was making some peculiar hand gestures and it seemed like sicheng was agreeing profusely. you couldn’t be too sure over the blaring music.

“what’s going on?”

for whatever reason, it was as if they forgot that you were present and jumped. you caught taeyong eyeing something behind you, but before you could look, sicheng cut in.

“listen, y/n. i think you need to take a deep breath,” he suggested and that only made your suspicion grow even more.

abruptly, taeyong swore. you furrowed your eyebrows at that and turned your head. even lucas and sooyoung stopped dancing. you couldn’t make it out at first, but when you did, it was as if you saw a ghost.

clad in an all black suit without a tie and unsurprisingly, red jordans, was jung jaehyun. his hair was a natural black for the first time in the amount of time that you knew him. he had one hand shoved into his pocket. he made your stomach do backflips and tumbles and light your chest on fire. oxygen left your throat and you blinked the dizziness away. 

“that isn’t. .  .”

you always wondered what it would be like if you ever encountered jaehyun again, whether it would be in five years down the line, maybe ten, maybe even more. would it be in korea? an accident? an event like this? you didn’t expect jaehyun to show up in all honesty, as doyoung remarked dismissively that he hadn’t heard from jaehyun since you had. you wanted to say that you forgot he existed, which you admittedly did at times. however, since the arrival of all of your old friends, the memories began coming back to you. 

now, it was jaehyun who came back to you.

you were too focused on him to notice the female linking arms with him. you noticed her before, she was one of doyoung’s wife’s bridesmaids. she was pretty, probably around your age, but you weren’t sure exactly who she was. 

before you could jump to conclusions, she broke free of jaehyun’s arm and started making a beeline in your direction. your heart nearly stopped at this point, what the hell was happening? meanwhile, jaehyun was too busy being tackled with hugs by lucas and doyoung, with sicheng following suit. the woman stopped in front of you and taeyong, though her entire focus was set on him.

“hi, jinah.” taeyong said simply at the woman and you attempted to search every nook and cranny of your memory for that name.

she smiled warmly and the two of them sparked a conversation amongst themselves.

confused, you decided to slowly back out, grab your drink, and maybe take a breather elsewhere. there were paths that you took notice of earlier, ones that led deeper into the gorgeous gardens, and you figured that now was a better time than any to tour the area, even if you were alone. there was just no way you could face jung jaehyun now.

then, the starting piano notes to a hauntingly familiar song began to play. your lips parted in shock and you wondered if you were hearing correctly, this song that you left in your past. closing your eyes, you took in the first few lyrics of the song and realized that this was reality.

the dancefloor around jaehyun began to part for couples to take the spotlight, as everyone began to pair up.  he nearly tripped over his own two feet, having not heard the song in years. 

“by the way, she’s by the bar. i know you’re looking for her,” johnny said casually, taking a sip of his beer. 

jaehyun didn’t want to admit out loud that he was ‘looking for you,’ but you were definitely something that had been on his mind. he sat in the back during the ceremony, laying low with johnny, but he remembered what had happened to him when he saw you for the first time in three years. it was like everything fell apart and he forgot how to function. despite being apart for so long, you still managed to have that effect on him.

however, he didn’t go to you. he let the song that played during all of your late night roadtrips play without asking you for a dance. it wasn’t right and it was no longer his place.

MAY 29TH, 2022. 10:42 PM KST.

everyone had been pushing you all night to go and just fucking talk to jaehyun. you felt like a high school student who didn’t have the guts to confess to their crush, it was idiotic. thankfully, you’d yet to physically run into each other, mostly due to the fact that you were rotating between hiding behind sicheng and taeyong. mostly sicheng, due to the fact that taeyong was busy catching up with his own ex lover. how could he have the guts, but you didn’t?

you escaped for the nth time that night, trailing into the parking lot. after hours on heels, you eventually gave up on them and removed the shoes, opting to walk around barefoot. to the outsider, you probably looked crazy, walking back and forth without shoes on and muttering things to yourself.

“hi, jaehyun. how are you—how have you been? been?”

the clock was ticking fast. you needed to find a way to build up the courage and stop hiding from him and at least attempt to have a civil conversation. you weren’t even sure what you were afraid of in the first place (yes, you did.) were you scared that he wouldn’t want to talk to you? forget who you were? 

no, you were afraid that you would get sucked into those big, brown eyes and those dimples again. you afraid that you were going to lose yourself in his velvety smooth voice and his wits. you were afraid that you would fall for him again.

“i’ve been fine, thank you.”

this time, you legitimately fell, not for jaehyun, but because of him. he was standing right behind you and not for a second did you suspect any footsteps coming your way. for that, you toppled over and your body folded into one in pure shock. luckily, he was there to catch you before you fully fell down and steadied your body.

jaehyun widened his eyes. “shit, are you okay?”

“mmph. just tipsy.” you couldn’t even feel embarrassed, too engrossed in the feeling of pain from scraping your knee. 

his arms still remained around you even after you were back on two feet. jaehyun’s eyes trailed over your body, noticing that there was a slight dirt stain on your dress after tripping. he realized what he was doing and that it probably looked like he was checking you out, so he let go immediately.

you raised an eyebrow. “why are you here?”

“this is my sister’s car that you’re pacing in front of—i was just going to grab my phone charger.” 

“i think i need a break from here.” despite the fact that you’d been practicing for an hour to talk to jaehyun, words fell out of your mouth without any second thought. it was all natural and you spoke to him like no time had passed since the last time you saw him all those years ago.

jaehyun paused, seemingly lost in his thoughts for a few moments. he looked back at the party, then back to you. you noted that he was debating about something in his head, without a doubt.

he suggested, “so, let’s go for a drive, then?” the statement caught you off guard, as you watched jaehyun unlocked the car doors. “like old times. it always made you feel better.”

there was no denying that. you weren’t sure what you expected for this reencounter with jaehyun. despite constantly imagining it, this wasn’t exactly the way you thought it was going to go. 

“have you been drinking?” you asked, not wanting to risk anything.

jaehyun smiled. “no. i drove jinah here and i’ll be taking her back.” 

you looked back the party yourself, wondering if it would cause any trouble if you left for an hour or so. probably not. you took a deep breath and decided to throw caution to the wind. there couldn’t have been anything wrong with going for a drive with jaehyun, you’d done so a million times during your whirlwind relationship. 

getting into the passenger seat, you glanced over and saw that jaehyun was beginning to charge his phone. he turned on the screen and appearing as if he was about to open up his spotify, you immediately snatched his phone away. for a second, you thought he might have been angered from the gesture, as it was one you did automatically like you used to, but he simply chuckled and failed to even protest. you turned on one of your own playlists.

“why didn’t you say that you were coming?”

“we haven’t spoken in a while, y/n,” responded jaehyun, as he looked down at his two feet. “and that’s mostly because of me. i wasn’t sure if you even wanted to hear anything from me.”

he began to reverse out of the parking spot, as meticulous as ever. the windows rolled down halfway on either sides and the street lamp light shone against his skin. it was a sight that you thought you’d never see again.

“i thought i never would,” you admitted, wondering why you were never the one to reach out first. “it’s stupid.”

“things get stupid,” jaehyun shrugged.

the two of you took your old route around the city. for an hour, the two of you caught up on what exactly had been going on in your lives for the past three years. you discovered that jaehyun lived alone, but had a cat named pepper. he has two good friends in america, both fellow law school students, but they’re going to be practicing in new york. he showed up to his graduation late, just like he did three years ago. he wasn’t the top of his class, but he was a decent suck up to his professors. he got a part time job at the local zoo. jaehyun hadn’t gotten into a serious relationship, only dated casually like you had. he started playing a bit of american football, but his true love was always going to be basketball. his dad was proud of who his son was, even after throwing away national victory.

the old ice cream spot that you used to go to late at night closed down sometime in the past three years. it was disappointing, but the two of you got greasy street food instead and it was just as good. you didn’t want to insult doyoung on his wedding day, but the food was pretty shitty and this was just what you needed.

“i just find it so weird that this is how everyone turned out after all this time,” jaehyun remarked, as the two of you returned to the venue. it had been quite some time since leaving, but the party was still in full swing.

you nodded. “you think everyone’s happy?”

“johnny? no, but he will be someday. lucas is definitely stressed as hell,” he chuckled a bit. “sicheng is. sooyoung is still finding herself. i think we’re all a little bit here, there, and in between and that’s okay. we have time.”

“are you happy in america?” you asked, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“i am, but i’ll be even happier in korea.”

“what?”

before he could answer, a swarm of individuals collided with the two of you. it was everyone, some greeting you, others questioning where the two of you have been, while others, namely lucas, nagged for you to join them at the bar or on the dancefloor. you’d just sobered up, so you opted to join johnny and sicheng on the dancefloor to the voices of old school girls generation and jaehyun was unwillingly whisked away to the bar by lucas.

MAY 30TH, 2022. 12:56 AM KST.

there were just a few more minutes until the music was to stop playing for the reception and all of the guests were to be sent home. you spent the last while mostly with sicheng and sooyoung, as you knew they were the first ones you’d have to say goodbye to when everything was over. however, there was one more person that you needed to see and that was jaehyun. thankfully, he made a magical reappearance just in time for the last dance.

the sappy love song was a special request made by a very single johnny, who drunk slow danced with lucas in the middle of the floor. you were sitting at your table, taking a break from your devil shoes and talking with sooyoung when jaehyun strode over. you bit your lip, having noticed him started to make his way from your peripheral vision and mentally tried to prepare yourself.

“sorry to interrupt,” jaehyun said, “but i’d really like a dance, y/n.”

“she’s all yours,” sooyoung answered before you could, a smirk pressed on her lips. 

you stifled a laugh a her and got onto your feet, slipping the heels on and grimacing at the feeling. jaehyun helped steady you for the second time that night and you thanked him quietly, as he led you onto the dance floor.

something in you wished that he asked you to dance with him earlier, but this song was just as warm and fuzzy. they were about, simply put, love and the purity of it. jaehyun slid his arms around your waist and you placed your hands on his shoulders like it was an instinct.

all of a sudden, he said, “i wish things ended up differently.”

“jaehyun. .  .”

“doesn’t it feel like nothing’s changed?” jaehyun asked, taking his finger and pulling your chin up, so that he could meet your eyes. “it’s been, what, three years? you can’t tell me that it doesn’t feel like it.”

you cocked an eyebrow at him. “what are you trying to say?”

the feeling of stares burning into the back of your head was overwhelming. you were certain that all of your friends were watching the two of you, but you didn’t even care.

“i know we said that it was life that made things go wrong with us, but we can’t just blame that. it was us, too, you know.”

jaehyun nodded, eyes closed. “things started to feel empty when we stopped putting in the effort. that didn’t mean that i didn’t love you.”

“did you, though? shouldn’t you have put in the effort to show it?” you countered. it wasn’t like you wanted to argue with him, but the emotions were starting to spill out when you hadn’t been able to talk about this with him or anyone for years. “and don’t get me wrong, i can say the same for myself.”

“we were immature and we were taking everything so fast. we told each other that we’d get married after four months of dating,” he pointed out and you couldn’t help but reminisce about it, the feeling of young and stupid love that you felt for each other.

you let out a long sigh, placing your head on his chest to hide your frustrated expression. it was happening, the one thing that you were afraid of. you couldn’t afford to get lost in jung jaehyun and his pretty dimples and smooth talk again. 

you said, “can we please not do this? it’s not going to end well.”

“why? because that’s the way life dealt our cards?” jaehyun retorted. “it’s not that deep, we were separated by distance, so what? that wasn’t the problem.”

“then, what was it?” you asked.

jaehyun ran a hand through his messy, dark hair. “alright. you know what my dad told me during nationals in my last year?”

“oh, the nationals that you willingly lost? yeah, i remember it vaguely, nothing too special.”

he playfully poked your side, causing you to squeal and also turn some heads around the two of you. “shut up. yes, that one. he told me that there are two ways to play the game of basketball. you could either play it as it is, as the game flows and how it’s expected to be played by logic and precedent. then, there’s the way where you take control and ignore all other circumstances in order to focus on your goal.”

“god, nobody other than you would compare our relationship to basketball,” you laughed and so did he.

“fine, i guess i should just skip to the part where i tell you i’m staying in korea to shut your sarcastic ass up.”

“wait, what?” you stopped in your swaying movements, completely frozen at the news. “you’re. . .what?”

jaehyun grinned and pushed some of your hair out of your eyes. “i'm going to be working here. i have an articling job lined up already and from there, i’m going to build my career here in seoul.”

“b-but, i thought you were going to stay in—”

“i thought a little bit of risk taking was needed in my life. it was nice and it would probably be easier to start off there, but i think it’s time i take control. i took too much time blaming our circumstances and not doing anything about it. if i stayed in america where i knew that i wouldn’t be as happy as i would be here, but stayed because it was easier, it would be just like the unhappiness i felt after we ended things,” jaehyun said.

you nodded. “i’m sorry. i was like that, too.”

jaehyun shook his head, a small smile still playing on his lips. “it’s all in the past.” he said, “and since i’m back here permanently, i figured a good way to start my new life here was to steal my ex girlfriend’s heart again.”

it turned out that you didn’t need to fall back in love with jaehyun because like the two of you said before, the love was always going to be there. love is sweeter the second time around, even when the fates don’t exactly line up perfectly for you. that’s when you capture your own destiny. jaehyun was with you and he was finally home.

jaehyun & y/n’s song: my thoughts on you by the band camino the last dance song: all my life by wild

tag list: @i-hate-these-people​ @glitterystanz​ @jkuwus​ @jenojae  @csillagosegnelkul​ @imtaehyungry​ @theloouiisee​ @ikonictaelien​ @knisterlicht​ @seungkwanismyaesthetic​ @jaemingold​ @xysabella​ @sua246​ @ireallyjustneedcoffee​ @p-platonica​ @just-a-dream-40​ @fuckthatfeeling​   @sehunights​ @xjinyoungiee

[dramallamadingdang]

I was going to do this with "in-line" replies, but it just got unwieldy and doing the mentions in a multi-reply reply is a PITA. So we do it this way. A really long (sorry!) post of replies for @taylors-simblr, @niamh-sims, @hugelunatic, @mustluvcatz-reloaded, @simaddicted-sue, @dunne-ias, @pensblr, @mdpthatsme, and @yuichen about kids and stuff...

taylors-simblr replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

I am very happy that Christmas is over, we went to my mums. I had decided it would be lovely, and it was to an extent, but we were there for 5 days and there were too many people and kids and by day 3, I was peopled out and just wanted to get home. Daughter had her 3rd birthday on Friday too and was a horrible mess of over excitement ��, but that’s all over and things are getting back to normal. Except for the piles of toys people bought us, that I have no where to put...

I always feel bad for kids with Xmas-time birthdays. Their special day gets lost in the madness. That’s part of the reason why I always made more fuss over birthdays than Xmas, since my son’s birthday is December 17. Mini-Taylor is young enough not to be resentful, but I hope she'll be OK as she gets older. :)

But yeah, for me, the main problem is that everyone was at my house and stayed here because lodging in this area is scarce and the affordable options have to be booked months or sometimes even years in advance. My son is in the Army and he’s only just home after a long deployment, and the timing of his going home was always in question. When they knew (more or less) for sure when they’d be coming, all of the lodging in the area had long been booked. (This is why we have frequent (adult) houseguests, which I'm perfectly fine with.) The original plan was for my son and his family to stay with his wife's family, which is literally next door because my son married the literal girl next door. That would have been better. Theirs is an enormous family -- 14 kids, 3 bio ones and the rest fosters that were taken in and adopted, most of them still teens and younger -- so they have a huge house and they're well used to little-kid chaos and sort of revel in it. But right before people were scheduled to arrive, their house came down with some severe plumbing problems, and stuffing it with 30+ people was just a no-go. So, they ended up here, at more or less the last minute.

The kids are 4, just past 2, and 7 months old, all in the age range that I can't tolerate. I'm OK with tiny, non-mobile babies, but after they're mobile, I do not want until they're about 8-to-10 or so. So, since they were here, if I wanted peace, I was the one who had to leave my own house. Which isn't terrible or anything in the grand scheme of things, but it is annoying. Plus, the 7-month-old had an ear infection, and flying cross-country didn't help it. They almost cancelled coming out because of it, but the 4-year-old had been promised learning how to snowboard and would have been totally crushed. So then daughter-in-law was going to stay back with 7-month-old, but that seemed unfair to DIL to be deprived of her family, and I and the other grandparents hadn't even seen the younger two kids in person. So, they drugged 7-month-old up to his eyeballs, and did the thing. So 7-month-old was just crabby and awful and had trouble nursing the whole time, which only added to the crabby awfulness, which in turn made 2-year-old awful. (Four-year-old was actually pretty OK the whole time, did learn to snowboard, and sort of fell in love with my husband. Which, you know, I understand. *laugh* They both cried when she left. :) ) I understood that the baby didn’t feel well and the 2-year-old was upset by it, of course, but that doesn't make it any less annoying when they're both screaming more or less 24/7. Gave me terrible flashbacks to my daughter's preemie-baby/toddlerhood. *sigh*

But yeah, I survived to rant about it. :) 

niamh-sims replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

I am a woman who doesn't want my own children (much to the chagrin of many people I speak with), and I struggle with other people's kids. In saying that though, I absolutely adore my 5 year old nephew, he is a dude, and my 9 year old step-son is an old soul and extremely mature with a wicked sense of humour. They're all I need!

I hate the presents aspect of it! 

See, 9-year-olds I'm (usually) fine with. My window of intolerance is from about 6 months through the little-kid years. It seems like when a kid hits 8 or 10 or so that a switch flips in them and their behavior changes from little-kid to big-kid. Sometimes that happens earlier, often with girls; I've known 5-or-6-year-old girls (and a few boys, too) that I've been just fine with. I’ll probably be fine with my son’s eldest when she’s 5 or 6 because she was pretty OK even at 4 under trying circumstances. But mostly it seems to happen in the 8-to-10 window. It's the start of "tweenhood," I guess. I'm fine with "big kids" even if their chronological age is a little younger than normal to be a "big kid." I'm also perfectly fine with teens, even when they're really surly. I'll take a super-surly 14-year-old over a "cute," bouncy, loud 2-year-old, even if well-behaved, any day. Which is weird, I guess, but there it is. Someone has to deal with the teens. :)

And yeah, the presents thing. In my own, nuclear family, starting when it was just me and my little kids, we don't do presents other than small hand-made gifts if someone feels like making them. We just did stockings on the morning of Xmas Eve. They were filled with little things, small toys and candy and as they got older some more practical things, like makeup/nail polish or small bits of sports equipment and stuff. When they hit tweenhood, we'd each fill each other's stockings, not just me filling theirs. We developed a tradition of exchanging goofy toothbrushes that way, of all things. :) It wasn't that we couldn't afford to do big gifts; I just didn't want to instill that kind of mindset in them. Our tradition from the time my youngest was about 8 was to spend Xmas Day at the local shelter/kitchen for homeless/transient people, which did both Xmas breakfast and dinner. We'd be there, kids included, from pre-dawn until after midnight, prepping, cooking, serving, eating with the people the kitchen served, and cleaning up. It was actually really fun (the kids even looked forward to it) and really fulfilling and, to me, that's what Xmas ought to be about. Not the consumer frenzy. I have no interest in feeding and perpetuating that frenzy and while it caused some problems as the kids grew up when they found that their peers got showered with extravagant gifts, they also realized that they’d get gift-showered for their birthdays, and they've both said that they prefer the more low-key way we did Xmas as a family as well as the more service-oriented mindset, which they both have continued. Aside from this Xmas just past, which we did more "traditionally," but still without extravagant gifts.

hugelunatic replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

I love my granddaughter to pieces! But I can only stand being around her without her parents around. LoL

And hello my fellow Grinch! *loves*

They are definitely better without their parents! :) We took 4-year-old to the slopes on the day after Xmas without her parents, and it was a ton of fun. Spent the whole morning teaching her how to snowboard, had lunch in town, boarded bunny slopes/courses with her, would have done dinner out, too, but she was crashing by that point, etc., and it was all great. None of us, including the 4-year-old, wanted to go home to the screaming baby and toddler. *laugh* 

I will be fine when the kids are older. I'm fine with my other set of three grandkids -- the kids of my firstborn, whom I don't call "my son" because he was adopted at birth, so I don't feel that I am his parent for all that he's my bio-son -- the youngest of whom is 8 and the eldest almost 15 (and a Simmer, along with his next-younger sibling :) ). They live in Botswana, but they come over to the states fairly often and will be here this coming fall for a month and will stay with us, and I'm perfectly fine with that. The problem is, my son and his wife want a large family -- She comes from one, they're conservative Christians, etc. -- so by the time they're done having/adopting them, it'll be a long time -- probably longer than I'll live -- that they'll all be older. So then I'm put in the position of wanting to be around some of them but not all of them, which is not fair to them, but...yeah. In some ways, it's good that they live far away. I'm good with visiting with all of them via Skype. :) But they might not always be far. When my son retires from the Army after he puts in his 20 years, they plan to move back out here. But I might not be alive by then or at least I might no longer be able to live at altitude, so there's that. :)

And...GRINCHES UNITE! *high five*

mustluvcatz-reloaded replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

And there I was.. Happy as hell to see my grands and sad to see them leave. But I rarely see them so.. *back to being a Scroogy Grinch*

I think most people are happy to see their grands and sad to see them leave. I'm an outlier, I know. I've never actually liked little kids, despite raising two of my own. In truth, my husband and I were pressured into it, he more so than me, but I was trying to be a "good, obedient Christian wife." It's not surprising that I struggled and that it all contributed to the end of that marriage. I did not enjoy my kids when they were little. I gave up my career because I felt that I had to (Husband didn’t want me to, actually, but I couldn’t imagine living the life we lived dragging a kid around, which was another nail in the marriage’s coffin), and there’s a part of me that will always regret that. And I resented that my husband didn’t have to give up his career, that of course it fell to me to do so. I mean, I loved my kids, of course, but that's a different thing from wanting to be around them all the time and always enjoying their company. It was a huge struggle for me, and I'm glad it’s over. Teen/adult kids are great, though, and I'm thankful they both turned out well. Because, yeah, I’m a mom who doesn’t like kids, and worse I was a single mom who didn’t like kids, which could’ve been utterly disastrous, but I muddled through, living for the day when they’d be grown-ups.

And more for the Grinch Club, woo! :) (Also, I am only just now reading about what you're going through. I am so, so sorry. :( )

simaddicted-sue replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

I feel your pain and raise you 14 grandkids I love them dearly especially when they are not here lol

*sigh* Should I live long enough, I'll have at least 14 grandkids. My firstborn and his wife are done. They only wanted two, especially because there were problems with the second pregnancy. The third was an IUD fail, and then both got surgically sterilized in the aftermath, just to be safe. But my son and his wife....They want 8, minimum. They're planning on 4 bio kids (and will gladly accept more if they happen), and then they want to adopt, just as her family did. And then there's my daughter and her partner. They will marry in a few years and they're both anti-kid right now...but they're also only in their early 20s and when their mutual female biological clocks kick in, who knows what might happen? They might be like me and remain uninterested in kids for life or they might not. In any case, my health is not the best and will only get worse as time goes on, so I will have that as an excuse not to have littles around much, at least. There are silver linings to chronic conditions! :)

dunne-ias replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

meh, stay healthy and you'll live to have a relationship you might even enjoy when they're older. Not everyone has to like kids, even it they're related to you. I had my nephews visiting for a few days, which meant 4 days of almost non-stop Zelda-playing, but they're in just the right age for a visit, as in mature enough to handle their basic needs on their own.

Yeah, older kids can be a lot of fun, and I have no -- or at least a lot fewer -- problems with them. My firstborn's two eldest kids play Sims (The eldest plays TS4, but the 13-year-old prefers TS3. :) ), so sometimes we'll be on Skype together, all playing our games and yakking at each other about it, for hours, and we have a lot of fun that way. The TS3-playing kid and I are playing Dragon Valley concurrently, cycling through the premade households and doing different things with them, which is fun. And my son's four-year-old sat on my lap while I played TS2 a bit to chill out this past week, and she was fascinated and “helped” me a little, so now I plan to "groom" her as best I can going forward. ;) Video games are a good way to bond with kids. :) And when the firstborn's family is here, I'm sure we'll be doing plenty of that, as a group, since all of us love video games of various types. The Mortal Kombat tournament will be vicious and I will undoubtedly lose, but I will have fun while I am repeatedly, violently killed. :) 

We'll just have to see what happens with my son and his planned never-ending parade of children who aren't allowed a lot of screen time and "educational" video games are only allowed in very limited doses. *sigh* I have to come up with a sales pitch that makes TS2 “educational.” Well, it did make my daughter interested in the Middle Ages, since she played a medieval game, and she is now working on a graduate degree in Medieval Studies and has a talent for writing well-researched historical fiction as well as interesting narrative non-fiction, so....

pensblr replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

My husband and I really chuckle quite a bit (as we continue to happily enjoy our child-free lives) when we are judged for not doing the whole kid thing by people who always seem stressed-out trying to juggle everything. I'm like 'I don't judge you for wanting children. So don't judge me for not wanting them.'  Recently had a male colleague tell me that God put men and women here to have children, and if we didn't "What's the whole purpose of life then?"

Yeah, child-free is a great way to live! Especially if you're double income/no kids, I'd imagine. IF you can deal with the constant judgment and the pressure from people who want grandkids or nieces/nephews and the accusations of being selfish and pressures from one's religion, if that's a factor, and all that crap, of course. :\ 

Since my husband is almost 20 years younger than me, has no children, and I'm past menopause, I get a lot of side-eyes not just for our age difference (though with my gray hair dyed and a general lack of wrinkles because I’ve never been able to expose myself to much sunlight, I look (and act) younger than I am, so at least that helps with that) but also for our inability to procreate. I get a lot of "But what about when he wants kids? It's not fair to him to be married to someone who can't have kids!" (Which is a lovely argument to lob at anyone! I mean, I guess involuntarily infertile young people shouldn't marry fertile people then? *eyeroll* ) But he doesn't want kids. His own father died suddenly at 39 of a massive coronary, and when it happened his mom checked out for a bit, leaving him to deal with his grief and mostly raise his three younger siblings -- the youngest of whom was only 2 -- until she got her shit together, which took her years to do because she got addicted to the tranquilizers the dumbass doctors prescribed and had to do rehab, etc.. He did his time parenting starting when he was 14 until he was about 22. He has zero interest in having his own kids and can’t imagine that changing, though he loves being around other people's kids that he can give back to their parents. He absolutely loves being a step-grandparent of 6 at the age of 37, in addition to being an uncle to his siblings' kids. :) Even if he does eventually want his own kids, it'll probably be after I'm gone and then he'll be free to find someone to procreate with, if he and that partner want to spawn. So, I tell those people to just fuck right off.

And ugh, that "God put men and women on Earth to be fruitful and multiply and if you don't do it you're just selfish -- and having “sinful” sex -- and going against God's will and there's no point to your life" thing. That's why I had kids. That's NOT the right reason to have kids, but I was so brainwashed at the time that I didn't think that way. Or at all, really, at least not about that subject. Ugh. Ugh ugh UGH! I wish I'd responded with a polite-but-mighty "fuck off," too...but I DO like my kids and am thankful that they exist, so...yeah. 

Rant! Sorry! :)

mdpthatsme replied to your post “OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

28 years old, don't like children, don't want to have children because I know this about myself and I'm ok with it. People tell me it's a phase and I'll want children soon enough. I'm like, uh, no. Family and friends get aggravated with me when I don't hold their babies or don't want to watch their children. Like has the point not come across yet?

Yeah, everyone tells under-30 women who don't want kids that they'll change their mind. So many women want to be sterilized but doctors won't do it because "they might change their mind." Some have the nerve to get them to get permission from their husband, if they're married. My daughter suffers from terrible endometriosis is in almost constant pain from it. Over the years she's gone through all the treatments short of hysterectomy and nothing has worked, at least not permanently. She badly wants that hysterectomy but to date has found no doctor -- at least here in the States; I’m thinking she might have better luck in Europe -- who will do one because she's only 22 and unmarried. They think she'll marry a man (which she won't do; she's pretty firmly declared herself a femme lesbian) and then magically want kids. They even have the balls to tell her that if she goes ahead and births a kid, that might cure her condition because GOD FORBID they just do the relatively easy procedure that will likely cure her. Instead, they'd rather saddle her with a kid or at best make her go through a pregnancy and then have the kid adopted. At which point the endo might just come back again. 

I really can't believe how misogynistic gynecologists can be, even the female ones. Maybe their brains are warped by the women who desperately want kids but can't have them. I have enormous sympathy for those women, truly I do, but their plight should not prevent women who don't want kids from taking more drastic steps to not have them and certainly shouldn't force women to suffer through medical conditions that would be cured or at least made better by being completely sterile.

And yeah, the family constantly pushing babies at you and wanting you to babysit, just because you happen to have a pair of boobs. Nope. I'm thankful that my gay brother and his husband are not interested in kids and wouldn’t have cared if I didn’t have any, and that my mother is indifferent to the concept of grandchildren, but I DO have a lot of kid-crazy cousins that I did my best to avoid like the plague but when I couldn't were constantly trying to "convert" me by shoving their "adorable" babies in my face. They don't do it anymore with our advanced age and all, but when they were actively popping them out before I had any, as an older teen/young adult saying I had no interest in kids, it was like they were on a freakin' crusade, complete with forced conversion. *eye roll* Even though at that point I HAD birthed a kid not at all by choice and had given him up for adoption. Nope, not good enough. I had to have one that I wanted, I guess. And when I did have kids, they were all smug and, “See, we knew you’d change your mind!” Even though I really hadn’t. It's sick. Not every woman loves babies/kids.

MOAR RANT! More sorry. :)

yuichen

replied to your post

“OMG, I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!”

36, no kids. I like my brother's but probably because they're older and I missed most of their early lives. My cousins' kids, however? Fuck no. I avoid the whole massive family gathering because they weren't taught to have respect for people's things, or how to not act like little psychos. I'm talking jumping on the furniture and running around screaming while their parents do absolutely nothing. In a small house. Fuck. That.

Oh yeah. In my experience, the most adamant baby-pushers were the ones who had the worst-behaved kids. They "loved" them so much that they never established/enforced boundaries and thought that any kind of discipline would damage them somehow. *eye roll* One of my cousins never made her kids sit down to eat. They just wandered around the table grabbing food (with their hands!) from serving dishes or, worse, from other people's plates. They let them do that in restaurants, even. It was disgusting. Or, the most adamant baby-pushers were the ones who were also complaining about how stressful their life/marriage was and who could be heard pining for the pre-kid years of their relationships. And I'd just give them a meaningful look. But if you point out that you just don't want to complicate your relationship/life by adding spawn to it, well then you're just “selfish.” 

Yup. I was at some point, at least in that regard. Being a more fundamentalist-type Christian in my 20s/30s warped my brain on the subject, but down in my heart-of-hearts...I would've been perfectly happy being that kind of "selfish." No, I wouldn’t give up my kids now, but if I’d never had them, I would’ve been perfectly OK, too.

[drybonesawaken]

Oh man, it’s been awhile since I’ve had time to really pause, take a breath, and reflect...

It feels like I haven’t truly been able to sit down and organize my thoughts for upwards of two or three months now, so this will be my time for that. It’s either gonna be a super long post - or I’ll split things up, we’ll see...

I came into this semester thinking that it would be really easy. All the classes I took were supposedly easy A’s, I had already taken the hard EECS courses, so this was supposed to be an easy semester where I could focus more on other things. I really couldn’t have been more wrong. 

This semester has been hell, but it’s also been such a big learning point for me that God really is the provider of all things, good and bad. I got through my semesters with ‘relative’ ease last year not by my own strength, but really by God’s. I do remember so often praying these words of ‘God, give me the strength to continue’ and so on last year, but because this year I felt like I didn’t need it given the lighter workload, those prayers disappeared. And with them, I realize now in hindsight, so did my source of strength. I’m truly humbled by how obvious my insufficiency is from this semester alone - that I thought I could do it without God, when in reality it was Him carrying me on His shoulders all along before. 

That being said, it’s still been a process to try to rely on God’s strength. It’s sort of a snowball effect: relying on myself and failing at what I do leads to less open time and more anxiety, which leads to less time spent with God and less trust in Him and so on and so forth... I’m really hoping that with break just around the corner, I’m going to be able to re-establish a routine of daily time alone with God. This semester isn’t over yet, but it’s about time the tides turned on this battle.

I’ve been praying a lot about my future. Why do I put so much of my hope in knowing and being sure of my future? It’s hard to trust God and hard to believe that He’s for me. Even though I know it. But I guess I don’t. Gah

But yeah, I feel like so much of my uneasiness in everyday struggles comes with not knowing what I’m going to be doing in the summer, or not knowing what next year holds for me after I graduate. Not much to think about here - just that I need to let go and trust lol. 

LIFE group this year has been...hard. It’s honestly so shocking to me that I haven’t even blogged about it thus far, because it’s been such a big issue in my life for the past couple of months. 

Well, as a disclaimer, I do enjoy a lot of the times that I get to spend with LIFE group. I think they’re a fun group of people, and although I don’t really click with most of the people, I still enjoy the fun that people have. A lot of them have already gotten pretty close (especially some of the freshmen), and it’s cool to observe those things and see God working in those ways. 

But personally, oh man. (Okay this is supposed to be a reflection but I’m just gonna rant for a bit.) It sucks. There’s three guys older than me, two are leaders and the other is someone who is leaving next semester. There are no other guys the year above me or my year, and the two the year below me are both people that I would be investing in (as opposed to having more peer-like relationships with), not to mention that they rarely show up. It’s hard to muster up the energy to go to LIFE group because I know that sometimes, I’ll have to be the one to guide the bible study conversation in my small group. It’s hard to find the will to go to a group of 15 girls and a few freshmen. It’s hard to want to talk to people and not just sit somewhere and stare into nothingness. I haven’t mentioned this before, but I committed to not looking tired, even if I am, while I’m at LIFE group this year. It’s hard to have back to back to back classes, and then to find the energy to passionately teach a class full of grad students who don’t want to be there, and then to go straight to LIFE group and put on an excited and energetic face for people who don’t talk to you unless you approach them first. Okay this was definitely more dramatic and exaggerated than the truth and what I feel 99% of the time. But it also feels good to just let off some steam. Good thing nobody in my LIFE group has this blog... :^) k yeah I’m really pessimistic today

All in all, it’s just been hard to find the time to get to know people, and hard to find the energy to socialize with people I don’t already know well during fellowship times, which is the majority of LIFE group, including all my leaders lol...

Anyways. Enough complaining. Sure, it’s been hard, but it hasn’t been that hard. I’ve still been trying to invest in different capacities, but I also realized that the way I invest in LG this year is drastically different from the ways in which I invested last year. So yeah, I ended up spending a lot of time praying about how to invest in LG this year. Surprisingly, a lot of my convictions turned out to not be about LIFE group at all. But more about that later...

I realized that the biggest way I’ll be investing in the different relationships in LIFE group this year are going to be in my LCGs - I may not have the time to get to know everyone in LIFE group, but at least for my two LCGs, I can commit to really investing in them and growing with them. I’ll be honest, this has been hard too.... They’re both young freshmen, and let’s just leave it at: they don’t get along. I think both have a pretty strong church background, but both also have pretty warped understandings of the Gospel and what it means in their lives. Not to say that that’s bad at all - this is probably more common than not - but it means I have to be pretty careful about what I say during my meetups so as not to cause everything to come crashing down at once: we’ll tackle each problem one at a time lol. And uh, also. One of them is very hard to be patient with. I really thought that I was a pretty patient person. My limits are already being exposed, and I’ve only met with this dude like two or three times. Oof, God is really gonna grow me in patience this year LOL

I was invited to LG Core again this year, but I honestly debated about it for so long before accepting. I didn’t think I had the time, and it felt like I was soaking up the leaders’ resources that belonged elsewhere...anyways, that’s a topic for another day. I think I’m going to be treating Core as a good way for me to build relationships with some of the other sisters in LIFE group, since I’m the only guy doing it. Will definitely help me with being more comfortable during regular LIFE group times as well. And, I also just actually really enjoy spending the time with them, so Core sounds like it will be pretty chill!

So uh. In September I was praying about LIFE group. Then God was like hey you should go on missions. I was like ???????

But I’m going on missions now. 

I was really struggling to understand why God placed this sort of calling in my heart - looking back on freshman missions, sure it was something I enjoyed and a memory I really cherished, but it wasn’t really something I was planning on doing again. Kids are really not my thing. And as I prayed through this decision, I realized that God is planting seeds of investing in the next generation in me. Freshman missions doesn’t have to be about working with kids in Chicago for me, but rather the focus is going to be the relationships I build with all the freshmen during training and afterwards. So yeah, I’m not looking forward to Chicago. But I’m looking forward to all the time spent with the freshmen. And also the time with other people I’ve heard (through the grapevine) that are going to be helping/leading this year... heh

With this commitment, I’ve also circled around and prayed a lot about what classes to take next semester to make sure that I can 1) graduate, and still 2) have a lot of time to invest in meeting up with people and investing. It’s gonna be a lot of fun!

(mini disclaimer because idk who reads this blog now that it’s public: if you go to my church please keep this private for now, missions stuff is still not yet public knowledge...thanks!)

I realized this semester that I actually react really really really really poorly to stress. Did I mention REALLY poorly? yeah. The only reason I didn’t think so before is because I don’t get stressed very easily, if at all. But this semester, I was stressed. And then I was super cranky and emotional and introverted and irritable and I had a lot of negative thoughts and it wasn’t good. I don’t know how to grow in this. Practice by being stressed more?

??? No? 

So how do I grow in this lol. Other than praying...

Okay there’s more that I’ve been thinking/reflecting about but it’s bedtime. This was sort of just a huge garble of thoughts but I think it was really good for me to write things out and I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Don’t really expect people to read through, but if you somehow happened to, here’s another small thing that I’ve been thinking about, I’m sharing just for you:

Have I ever mentioned on this blog that this past summer/semester I have been thinking about dating? Well, good thing I am too busy right now given all this other stuff ^^^. Clearly my heart still has so many issues, I’m not ready anyways LOL...

okay there will probably be more on that in the future months/years but definitely after missions lol (I don't have time before) thanks for reading!

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

No Memories Part 2: A Memory

Pairing: Dean x Winchester Sister!Reader  Sam x Winchester Sister!Reader

Warnings: Child Abuse, Kidnapping, Car crash, hospitalization

Word Count: 3348

A/N: Okay so I lied, this isn’t a short part 2. I got carried away and completely scraped my outlined ending so I could stretch this and make more parts. Part 1 has gotten 122 notes in just under 24 hours which is the most I have ever gotten on a story and in such a short time. Thanks for all the kind words about part 1 and hope you enjoy part 2. I don’t know when a part 3 will be out since I still have to outline it but expect it sometime in the future. The continuation of this story is all thanks to you guys so give yourselves a round of applause as you have given me more work to do lol. Just kidding I actually really like this series myself and I look forward to continuing it.

Summary: The police now believe Dean about your kidnapping, but since you have crossed state lines how do they deal with the situation of your “parents”? You can’t really focus too much on your parents as you can’t get the thoughts of Dean out of your head. Why was everything about this man so familiar? One thing is for sure nothing is making sense, but then again, isn’t it? You guys have the same eyes…. what else could be shared?

(Sorry this summary is shit. My head just wants to spoil everything, but I have to hold back and this is that product.)

Masterlist - No Memories

***Italics are flashbacks/memories***

^ Just imagine in the hospital with a cast on one leg and hair a little longer.

^ Ok but picture this but with only the top half of his body laying down on the side of your hospital bed, next to you 

“Mr. Winchester, can I speak to you outside,” the officer said.

Dean nodded his head and let you go. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” he said as he stood up and placed a kiss on your head and approached the officer.

“We found the missing person’s report your father, John Winchester, filed ten years ago,” the officer said.

Dean released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “That’s good, right? That means I can take her home from here,” Dean said.

“Well, that’s where things get a little difficult. Can you have your father come here as soon as possible?”

“I can’t do that. He died four years ago. All that’s left is my little brother Sam and I. You can’t let Y/N go back to those people. She is terrified of them. When I mentioned you were going to contact them, she freaked out. They were the ones she was running away from. They were abusing her.”

“Okay calm down Mr. Winchester. I believe you, especially since the doctor seems to back up the abuse story with prior injuries she has sustained.”

At this Dean flinched, he didn’t want to think about what those people did to you because of his stupidity. “So, what do we do now?” Dean asked.

“Well, we can fast track a DNA sample but even then, it will take at least 24 hours. And then we have the parents to worry about, and the fact that she’s crossed state lines.”

“First of all, those people are not her parents. Second, I don’t have anywhere I need to be in the next 24 hours so let’s do the DNA test. Third I think I might have a solution for those people who claim to be her parents. You can’t take them because they are across state lines, right?” The officer nodded. “Well, what if we call them up and tell them we have Y/N here at the hospital and have them come here?”

“That actually might work. I’ll have to call my boss and get the go ahead, but I don’t see why not. They are about a half days drive out without stopping so it will give us time. First order of business though, I’ll have the lab tech come down and collect DNA samples from you two.”

“Okay but first let me run this plan by her. See if she is okay with those people showing up.” The officer nodded, handed Dean one of his cards to call him with an answer, and walked away.

Dean stalked back into the room and saw you with one leg bent up resting your arms on it, staring out the window with your long (Y/H/C) locks cascading down your face and off your shoulder. You weren’t a little girl anymore. His baby sister had grown into a beautiful young woman. Dean couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness at the thought of missing you grow up. Then the guilt came flooding back as he was the one to lose you in the first place.

Right then you turned your head and your green orbs stared right into his seeing the same emotions you had been seeing throughout the course of the day. Dean didn’t realize you had started looking back at him.

“De? Anybody there?” you chuckled as you snapped your fingers to get his attention.

He shook his head and smiled. “Huh… Yeah, sorry. I’m here.”

“Where does our head go when you space out like that? It doesn’t look like it’s anywhere fine.”

“Trust me, it’s not. I’ll tell you that in a second. First I have to talk to you about something.”

“Okay.”

“It’s about your…” Dean hesitated on the last word. “Parents.”

“What about them?”

“We have a plan to make them pay for what they did to you, but I need to know you are comfortable with it.”

“Okay,” you said your voice a little shaky. “What is it?”

“We will call your parents and tell them you are here,” before Dean could continue he saw the fear rise in your eyes and your head start to shake. He grabbed your shoulders, looked directly into your eyes, and smiled. “BUT once they arrive they get arrested. I will be right next to you the entire time. I’m not sure how the police want to play it. If they need your parents to just enter the hospital or your room or whatever, but I’ll be by your side. I won’t let anything happen to you. I also told them that if you were not okay with it, we wouldn’t do it.”

You took a minute to think out your options. If you did this, then you would be free of them for good. If you didn’t, there was always the chance they could track you down. “You promise you won’t leave me when they show up?” you asked. Dean nodded his head. “I’ll do it.”

He smiled at you and gave you hug. “Okay, well I have to go make a quick phone call and meet someone in the lobby.” You nodded your head.

Dean pulled out his phone giving the officer the green light to continue the plan and the officer let him know the lab tech was on the way to get their DNA samples.

He walked out to the lobby and went straight to Sam. He explained everything that was going on and Sam listened. He explained you still didn’t remember but little things were popping up from then like his nickname. Sam gave a sad smile hugged his brother and told him to go back.

This time walking back in Dean saw you hanging your legs off the bed looking like you were going to stand up. You used your arms to push yourself up but started to lose your footing with the heavy cast on your leg putting too much strain on your arms. Dean saw you starting to wobble and was quickly at your side to grab you before you hit the floor.

“Easy there, sweetheart,” Dean said.

“Thanks,” you said as you looked at his face seeing that look again. “There’s that look again.”

“What look?”

“That look you get when you look at me. It’s like guilt and sadness all rolled up into one. Why? You saved me and are still saving me. You have nothing to feel guilty for.”

“Remember when you asked about my head space earlier?” You nodded and Dean took a seat next to you. “Can I tell you a story?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I had a little sister. Her mom abandoned her with my dad, my little brother Sam, and I when she was an infant. I quickly feel in love with that little girl. She was the cutest little baby in the whole world. I was 16 at the time, but knew that little girl was going to be the death of me. She had the same green eyes as I did and quickly became my little mini me. My dad traveled a lot with work, so I took care of her most the time. She was basically like my daughter.”

“What happened to her?”

“One day when she was 5 I took her to the park. She was just so full of energy and usually my little brother would sit and play like Barbie’s with her but he was at school that day so I figured the park would be the perfect place for her to tire herself out. Boy, was I wrong. It was all good at first, she was calling me to watch her on every jungle gym, it was so cute.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile at the fond memory of the little girl. “The smile she had on her face just lit up my world. But being that I was young and stupid and a man, a cute girl walked by and I momentarily got distracted. When I looked back over for my sister, she was gone. I searched the whole park, but I never found her. Someone took her and it was my fault.”

Dean didn’t want to shock you so he left out the part about it being you. “I guess that’s just the look I always carry on my face. I never saw my little sister again. That was 10 years ago.”

“What was her name?”

Before Dean could answer, the lab tech came in. He took buccal swabs from both of you, which at first confused you. Dean explained it away saying it was probably just to eliminate his DNA from anything at the site. Luckily for him you bought it.

After two police detectives came walking in and explained everything that was going to happen. Your parents would have to come in the room. They needed to be caught in the act, but didn’t actually have to hit you. So as long as someone was there to stop it you would be fine. The detectives were there for hours asking you questions about your parents, your home life, and the abuse. The also wanted to prep you for what was going to happen when your parents showed up since they were on their way.

Once the whole ordeal was over you were exhausted. Once everyone had left your room, Dean looked over at you to see you peacefully asleep. He pulled the covers up and over you, placed a kiss to your forehead, and whispered, “I’m so sorry sweetheart. Forgive me for all the pain you had to endure because of me.”

Dean had walked down to the lobby and spent a couple hours sitting with his brother, both just talking and thinking out loud. Dean could tell Sammy was upset he couldn’t go and see his little sister, but three was nothing he could do. Sam understood why, but I didn’t make things any easier for him. After a while Dean went back to your room and Sam slept in the hospital lobby.

The next morning you woke up to see Dean asleep with his head on his arms on the edge of your bed. You couldn’t help but feel a connection to this man. It was something stronger than the fact he just saved your life. Then there was the story of his little sister. Why had that story resonated with you so much? You could picture it so vividly almost like it was you. Then there were the words he whispered into your ear last night when he thought you were completely asleep. What did he have to be sorry for? How was your pain his fault? All the thoughts were making you dizzy just swirling around in your head. So much of this didn’t make any sense, but at the same time it did.

You don’t know why but you had the urge to run your fingers through his hair. It was almost like you had a memory of doing it to wake him up, but you just met him, how is that possible?

Dean stirred awake at the sensation of your fingers running through his hair. It took him a second to gather his wits and realize where he was. He looked into your green eyes and couldn’t help but smile. You noticed that this time his smile reached his eyes. He was genuinely happy for the first time since you met him two nights ago.

“Mornin’ sweetheart,” he uttered with sleep still laced in his voice.

“Why does it feel like I’ve known you my whole life, when I just met you two days ago?” you questioned.

Dean was shocked by your question, but before he could answer one of the detectives entered your room.

“Your parents just called. They are about 10 minutes away. I thought you would like the heads up to prepare yourself,” the detective said and you nodded appreciatively.

“De, I’m nervous. What if something happens and they hurt me?” you said.

“I’ll be right here sweetheart. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. Ever again,” the last couple of words he whispered under his breath, but you still heard them.

You saw your parents enter your floor and you began to tense. Dean grabbed your shoulder reassuring you he was there.

“Thank god, Y/N there you are. You had us worried sick. You can’t just run off like that,” your mother said. As she went stroke your cheek, you flinched.

“Were you really worried? You didn’t seem to worried about me when I was laying on the floor bloody, bruised, and crying for him to stop hitting me,” you said as you pointed to your father.

“You little ungrateful bitch,” your father said as he raised his fist to punch you.

You squeezed your eyes shut awaiting the blow but it never came. You slowly opened your eyes to see that Dean had grabbed your fathers hand before it reached you. He shoved your father back.

“Don’t you touch her,” Dean yelled.

“Who the hell are you?” your dad countered with.

“I’m the man that’s going to make sure you never hurt her again,” Dean said but he leaned close to your father and whispered something you couldn’t catch. “I’m also the man you and your wife stole her from.” Whatever Dean said had your father’s eyes going wide almost in fear.

Before Dean could do any real damage, the police came up and arrested both your mother and your father.

Dean turned back to you and rushed to your side to make sure you were ok. “Hey sweetheart, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m good a little shaky but good,” you said. “What did you say back there that had my dad so freaked out?”

“That’s a story for another time,” he said as he gave you a hug. “Hey, do you mind if my brother joins us? He has been kinda waiting for me in the lobby since yesterday.”

“Oh, my god! Yeah, he can come in. Why didn’t you say anything? You could’ve left. I could’ve managed.”

“I was on my way to meet him when I ran into you and he’s fine. After everything that happened there wasn’t a chance in hell I was leaving you.”

You smiled at him and gestured for him to go get his brother. So, Dean walked out of the room and called his brother.

“Hey Sam, I need you to grab something from the trunk of Baby and bring it up,” Dean said through the phone.

“Yeah man sure. How is she after the whole ordeal?”

“She’s a bit shaken, but still the same resilient little girl we remember, besides not being so little anymore. She still doesn’t remember but I think she is on the right path. Remember her ‘Boo-boo Bear’?”

“Yeah what about it?”

“That’s what I need you to grab. It’s in the back of the trunk. And before you say anything just don’t. Grab it and get up here so I can re-introduce you to our sister.”

Sam hung up the phone and ran to the Impala he opened the trunk and found your bear neatly packed in a clear bag in the back of the trunk. He couldn’t help but smile. His brother had never taken care of something so well in his life, other than the car of course. He ran back in and met Dean outside your door.

“I can’t believe you kept this all these years,” Sam said to his brother.

“Yeah, well I needed something to remind me how much I fucked up,” Dean smiled sadly at the bear and Sam smiled at his brother knowing damn well that wasn’t the reason.

They both entered the room Dean keeping the bear hidden and Sam standing behind Dean. Instantly Sam looked familiar to you like Dean first did, but you just shrugged it off.

“Hey Y/N this is my little brother Sam,” Dean introduced.

“Little brother? He’s bigger than you,” you chuckled and so did Sam. “Nice to meet you Sam, I’m Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Sam said sheepishly.

Sam seemed to be a little awkward and a bit standoffish completely opposite of his brother. You were sure why but again you just shrugged it off.

“I have something for you, sweetheart,” Dean said as he lifted the bear into your view.

As soon as you saw the bear your eyes widened and suddenly a memory popped into your head.

You were three years old and Dean was 19. Your dad was gone on a job. You never knew exactly what he did but you didn’t care. On this particular day, you were sick with the flu. You had a 102-degree fever and you were simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. You had cough that hurt your throat, your nose was so stuffy you couldn’t breathe, and you were all achy. You started to cry because nothing was making you feel better. Sam came running in the room to see what was wrong.

“Y/N, bug, what’s wrong?” he said.

“Sammy, everyfing hurts,” you said.

“I know, I know sweetie. I’m sorry,” 15-year-old Sammy said as he snuggled into you engulfing you in a bear hug.

“Where’s De?”

“He went to the store to get you some medicine, bug,” he said as he wiped some of your tears.

Just then Dean walked in the door with a couple of grocery bags in his hands. He set them down and pulled out your medicine and a teddy bear.

“Hey sweetheart how are we feeling?” Dean said.

“Very bad,” you said.

“I’m sorry sweetie I have medicine that will make you feel better. It tastes like bubble gum,” Dean said.

“O’tay,” you said.

“Sammy what was her last temperature?” Dean said.

“Still 102,” Sam said.

“Damn it, okay. How are you feeling? Cough? Stuffy nose? Feeling warm?” Dean said as he started to feel Sam’s head.

Sam swatted Dean’s hand away and said, “I’m fine.”

“Ok well I bought some chicken noodle soup if you get that started I’ll give her her medicine and get her settled.”

With that Sam started cooking and Dean went to you to give you your medicine and the surprise he got you.

“Sweetheart I need you to sit up,” Dean said and she complied. “Here’s your medicine. I need you to drink it okay?” You nodded and Dean helped you pour it in your mouth. “Great job sweetheart, now I need to fix your hair because it’s a rat’s nest,” you giggled and nodded. “But first I have a surprise for you,” Dean said as he pulled out the teddy bear. You shrieked and grabbed the bear squeezing it tight.

Dean situated himself behind you with a brush and a ponytail and started to dig the Y/H/C mess. “That is a special teddy bear, sweetheart,” he said.

“How?” you asked as he finishes parting your hair to start a braid.

“That there is a Boo-Boo Bear. Anytime you get sick, or upset, or get a boo-boo you take that bear and squeeze it tight and it will help you feel better.”

You looked down at the bear and gave it another squeeze and you did feel a little bit better, maybe it was just from the comfort, but either way it did help.

After a couple more minutes, Dean finished your braid and turned you to look at him. You gave him a big hug and kiss and said, “T’ank you, De. I feel better aweady. I wove you.”

“I love you too sweetheart,” he said as he squeezed you and laid you back down with him. You snuggled into his side and fell asleep.

“Boo-Boo Bear?” you said almost in a whisper.

“You recognize that,” Sam said as he came closer.

“I do, Sammy,” you said as Sam’s jaw dropped at the use of his nickname. “Why do I have memories of you guys taking care of me as a sick toddler in a motel room? And why is everything about you two so familiar?”

Part 3 Coming at some point 

Tag List: Let me know if you want on the No Memories Tag List or my General SPN  Tag List 

@jensen-jarpad @winchesters-favorite-girl @sisterwinchesterwriter @27bmm @deanjensengirlmaggie @lenaabs @a-fan-fighting-for-equality @spn-applepie-imagines @alicat-life @bookgirlofnarnia @georgialouisea @meghan-brannon @trinty33 @deansgirl215 @kas-not-cas

[ofchevalry]

Replies to @declarations-of-drama

Yeah let her fight if she wants to! (Great story so far! Will catch up with the rest later, thanks for the cool pics!) Thank You for all the comments! I makes me so so happy to see you following the narrative!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

What a scene! And how did you manage to get that setup with the sims carring a corpse?? WOW Poses are Tumblinrob’s mover poses, and Eun’s funeral pose. The board is an object edit by me, which I always mean to post, but the box that goes with it is giving me trouble.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

The levels of detail are immense! Continue tobe amazed by your work thats gone into this story Thank you, but I do protest, there’s a ton of Crowkeeper’s work in this particular scene! (I’m rather scared to touch any built structures in Middle Earth, as I’d never be able to fix it if I break anything)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset “*       *       * Footnote”

OMG I AM SO WITH YOU!!!! I also have all the mods too AND the retuner settings all nerfed to stop it but THEY STLL CANT GET OFF THEIR STOOPID TIME DEVICE KILLERS! I think it’s an idle animation. But it’s always historical Sims doing it!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “Gre: Is that your idea of a joke!? Val: No indeed. That’s what I’m...”

That is one well trained horse! Will get important later ;)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

I love how you've used the headwear in black to give the impression of nuns, I might have to steal this idea for my game :) Hihi, this is actually a nun’s headwear :) I switched to different hoods though, where I do rely on making them black.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

This looks brillianT! And how did you get the sims to pose without them running around panicking over fire? lol Fog emitter effects ;)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset “Fav: Having the time of your life, eh? Gre: Better than freezing to...”

I wonder if they were experiencing the mini Medieval Ice Age we had back then? Hmmm... Basically Favin’s just doing smalltalk there - I mean what to talk about with a complete stranger whose life he saved out of general decency, and now he’s stuck with him...

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “Much to Harokar’s and Favin’s annoyance I did not change my mind,...”

I would have trusted him - his face is too honest to be a bad one I reckon But I do try not to make my villains too ugly!!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “Harokar: If this were any regular army, you’d be facing punishment...”

Oh wow! The way you did this and last shot! PERFECTION! I woke up in the middle of the night after I posted this, and was suddenly convinced I had turned the camera around the wrong way. (It was right after all, but I was too tired to figure it out)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “I was knocked off my horse, but not immediately unconscious. I...”

THE BASTARDS! They LEFT HiM??? Yep. They’re really just arrogant cowards, but they have manpower - even to spare.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

Amazing pics! I can't begin to imagine how much time these took you to do! This scene crashed the game, because when I had it all set up, my brother walked in, and I scrolled away to show him the marvels of Middle Earth. That was too much for the computer of course :) Luckily I had all the pictures taken! It’s a bit of a pity - this story is all about epic riding scenes in my imagination, but they’re so hard to do.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “I was born in the Capitol City.”

Minis Tirith? More like Rome (East or West), but as I took the story out of any specific context, it’s just a random dazzling city.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset “Gre: Nerena used to. Ka: And what happened? Gre: Try not to remind me...”

He needs a slap! If you're not going to tell her the reason, then let her SIT ON IT! Currently doing the scene where Rena sits on a sleeping-bag ;)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset “You can come with me, if you want. My brother is a farmer, quite near...”

Are they going to give her some decent clothes or WHAT?! I imagine they have a bag of spare clothing for such cases (presumably from people who died)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “Ka: I was asked what I want to do, and I want to join you. I saw you...”

The little guy with the monk hair immediately got my attention for some reason? Yeah, he somehow manages to be the most intensely medieval looking character. Must be the haircut.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “When you are rested, we will escort you to the nearest fortified...”

Oh! I thought they were trying to STEAL the slaves not set them free LOL If this were a story of yours, I guess that’s totally what would have happened :D I’m a romanticist.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset

And when I say "Wow" I meant to emphasize the feeling of realism, imagery and feelings of anticipation these pics gave me!! WOW

*blushes*

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “This story never had a title until I made some characters as sims,...”

What a great date to start a new story! lol 1st Jan I think I mentioned to someone back then, that my story would start after Christmas, but it didn’t, as I was waiting for Middle Earth world to be released. So I at least opened the sideblog officially on January 1st.