#did not proofread this btw

[wafel1160]

Chapter 1 of my Catday fic, “stay with me”

Chapter 1, 2, 3,

“Alright you two-“

A man tells the two critter stars.

“It’s exactly how we practiced!” He looks behind the curtain. “Just with more eyes on you. “

The little dog turned his head, looking at the new environment. It was filled with lights, yet it still felt so dark. He could hear people chattering behind the big curtain. He looked to the little cat next to him.

Dogday could see the cat shaking as he held on to his tail. Dogday grabbed catnaps paw and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be together. Just, stay with me.”

The cat squeezed the dog’s paw and smiled back.

“Get ready in 3-2-1” One of the staff members said to them.

The curtains opened and they walked on stage.

“Introducing our latest project yet- Catnqp and Dogday!”

The crowd all gasped at the sight. They were real- sentient beings.

Dogday waved nervously. “Hello!” He said hesitantly. Catnap only stared forward while holding Dogday’s hand.

“Catnap- you gotta smile.” Dogday whispered.

Catnap only looked down.

“Go on Dogday- do your tricks.” The announcer nudged Dogday. He walked into the middle of the stage and stood on his hands. He paused for the crowd to watch, then cartwheeled away.

“Your next Catnap!” The announcer spoke again. This time, catnap didn’t do anything.

He held on to his tail and stood still.

The crowd followed Catnap’s decision with, “awe” Dogday then spoke up, “It’s okay! He’s just a little- shy”

“It seems he is” The announcer looked happy but his tone said otherwise. Dogday whispered to Catnap, “Just pretend im the only one here.” He said.

Catnap tried already. He knew all the ways to keep the fright away, but it never worked.

“C’mon!” The announcer said in between his teeth. He nudged catnap with his foot.

“It’s not that hard!”

Instead of doing his tricks, he grew angry. He bared his fangs and dug his claws into the floor of the stage.

“Catnap- Catnap!” Dogday yelled to calm him down, but Catnap couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear anything as he started attacking the announcer. His vision started getting blurry as screams filled the air. Something went near him and he pounced on it. Then his vision went blurry.

* * *

A distinct sound of voices filled the air as Catnap slowly opened his eyes. He heard something about injured.

“Do you think we have to drop the project?” A woman asked. “We are not dropping this! Maybe experiment 1188 is a failure- but experiment 1160 isn’t!”

“We can’t afford mistakes!” The woman yelled.

“I-“ The man got cut off by a small voice.

“What’s going to happen to Catnap?” Dogday! Catnap’s eyes shot open. He had a smile on his face, until he saw Dogday with bandages on his stomach.

Catnap’s expression could only be described as horror at the sight of his best friend injured.

I’ll post how chapter 2 is going so far to see if you guys like it

[6okuto]

ATTACHMENT LOVE

🧺 #11: "you and i don’t love each other but i know too much about your mother / we’ll make this work" with hinata for @quikhs ! :-)

warnings: gn!reader, reader’s mom wants to have dinner (just a mention) (song link)

it’s been 3 months since hinata’s stayed the night at your apartment.

practice, work, outings with people other than each other—nothing seemed to line up, and when they did, it seemed too a heavy task for either of you to reach out, exhaustion and something else between the gaps of your bones and schedules.

you’re not sure what that something else is, or if he feels it too. you’re not sure if you want to know. but you feel it in dwindling good morning’s and plans cancelled long before his last sleepover, feel it fill the space your boyfriend used to as you wash his scent out of borrowed sweaters.

but shoyo’s here tonight, and that’s what matters, you think.

his toothbrush from 3 months ago slides as you move to change your own, and you figure you might as well change his too.

“changing our toothbrushes, do you care what colour yours is?” your voice bounces back at you while you look in the cupboard. there’s only three in the pack you have—primary coloured—and you figure he’d like yellow most. you grab red for yourself.

shoyo rubs his feet together, sitting on the edge of your bed instead of sprawling across. “mm, you can leave it for now, it’s okay,” he reassures you.

“...you sure?”

“yeah.”

“...okay.”

your eyes hover on the unused face masks he bought you for your birthday, and you let the noise of cardboard backing ripping from plastic fill the space neither of you can seem to.

shoyo calls you from the room over.

that something else roots in your stomach. “yeah?”

he doesn’t say anything for a second, two, and you take a breath.

“i ran into the girl—remember the one who, uh, kept trying to unlock the door one night because she was drunk and didn’t realize she was on the wrong floor?” you pull the memory up and along with your voice while your fingers tremble, stumble on their way to place the last toothbrush in the cupboard and almost drop it to the marble below.

and maybe shoyo notices what you’re doing—he must. he always does. “...yeah, and i thought i was gonna have to fight someone with your vacuum somehow. did she try apologizing again?”

“she almost did,”—you half smile, save the memory, that night, from sinking and drowning—“but i saw her stop herself. we just said hi and talked a little. found out she has a cat so i wanna drop by at some point if you wanna come.”

you’ve made your way back to your bedroom, and shoyo’s still sitting on the edge of your bed. he smiles, and it’s kind, not apologetic or pitying, but understanding all the same.

you’re not sure if its toward her or you.

he says your name again. quieter this time, but steady as he always is.

you purse your lips.

“and my mom wants to have dinner with us.” you grasp at the next thought. “she said she has some new recipes she wants us to try before she brings it to the next holiday party, and she wants to see your mom, too, and natsu, since it’s been so long. if that’s– if that’s okay with them– with you.”

“is that okay with you?” he squints, just a little.

the floorboard creaks as you shift your weight under his gaze, and you fiddle with your hands behind your back so he can’t see. (it doesn’t matter—he knows anyway.) “why wouldn’t it be?”

shoyo takes a breath while you hold yours.

“...yeah, okay.” his exhale is deep. “i’m not as busy this month, so i’ll ask my mom what her schedule looks like. natsu’ll be excited so i’m sure she’ll be good to go whenever.”

he moves further onto your bed as he thinks out loud. “you know i think she likes your mom’s food more than mine– i tried cooking lunch for her a while ago and the look she gave me. is my cooking that bad? i thought i stopped adding too much salt but maybe my salt senses are just dulled?”

and just for a moment, everything’s back to the way it was months ago: shoyo rambling, hands planted behind him on the mattress, you smiling as he whines, both of you in your pajamas for a night in.

but your mind lingers on the toothbrush still sitting next to your new one, and the way your boyfriend won’t lie down on your bed—an old acquaintance unfamiliar with a place that used to be as much his home as it is yours—and that something else that’s been creeping in the space between you knocks at your chest incessantly, an unwelcome visitor that has the decency to wait for your permission to enter.

you wish it would just leave or break inside.

“sho.” your voice is quiet, but catches his attention all the same. the sunset drifts over tangerine strands and honey brown eyes, lights up the dust that twirls around as he looks up at you, and you wish you were asking anything else but what you are.

“is this okay?”

whatever this is.

shoyo blinks, once, twice. sighs and smiles one more time. “i don’t think so.”

qui !! thank u so much for joining and ur ask 🥹🥹!! IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!! this one was a toughie,, doesn't play out exactly like the song. shoyo has a lot of emotional intelligence but i think he struggles in this case because he’s never had a break-up before and. it’s you. he still cares for you, even if it isn’t in the same way, and he doesn’t want to hurt you and ..? he came tonight because he knows you should talk but. he gets there and he sees all the evidence of him and your life together and everything’s harder when the time comes isn’t it. hm. anyway. if u ever write something ur proud of feel free to tag me !! i'm vry happy u enjoy mine,, thank u again!! 🥹🥹

[sea-buns]

not really, but I suppose that’s just a difference of opinion. I do think that gorgug’s nightmare sequence was one of the weakest, especially with how it shifted topics (being dead, small spaces, not being able to escape a stereotype, because if any of these had been expanded on that would’ve been great), but I do think a lot of gorgug’s character revolves around feeling in-between, or too much one thing and not another and trying to close that gap. The best one for me was deffo the sphinx tho, I interpreted it as not *just* about him being dumb, but rather like. You’re big and dumb and strong and your main job is getting angry and hitting shit with an axe. You went to a community of gnomes and they gave you a better axe, and you loved it. You are uniquely dumb, unlike those who have come before you, because you cannot solve a specific kind of puzzle while a sphinx talks at you. You are the reason your parents cut contact, and from the beginning you were unsuited for their home. Your extended family predicted that you would grow to know only rage, and here you are, a barbarian. You, from this perspective, are not proving them wrong.

I do think that that whole sequence does reveal that he’s afraid of like. Being that stereotype? And then going yeah sure I’m stupid eat me, then moving forward and clawing your way into understanding anyways

Ahhh I see. Yeah I think I did misunderstand your first ask a bit lol

I did really love a lot of the topics his sequence brought up. Like I've read some incredibly well-written fanfics that covered the ways that claustrophobia, and imposter syndrome, and being dead have affected him. But like you said, if they had just honed in on at least one, rather than hopping back and forth, it could have done so much for that section. Cuz, personally, I don't feel like we saw Gorgug be significantly affected by any of those. At least not in a way that felt complete and satisfying.

I really like what you said about his character being "in-between". I totally agree. Kinda circles back to how his parents trying to help him calm his rage was actually stifling him.

Your family needs you to calm down; you've broken another bedchairdoorappliance. Your teacher wants you to rage; he says anger is good but you don't understand. You sing to try and calm yourself, you're always trying to be kind to others; they only use it to hurt you more and all you can do is get angry back. Your friends need you to rage. You don't have the power to protect them socially, but this you can do. You try not to rage outside of a fight, but.... they don't seem to be that bothered when you do. In fact, you watch them provoke physical confrontation when they're mad on many occasions.

(Oops dipped a biiiit into the pot of how important friendship is to his character. Did not mean to lol it's just one of my fav things about him so it's kinda subconscious I guess)

But yeah! He's also in such a limbo this season as well! You can't do this you're too angry, you're not smart enough for that, you don't rage right.

Also realllyy like your interpretation of his trial. The angle you described it at was really interesting.

I don't think stereotype is the right word, though. I would say... he's afraid of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy? I'm assuming based on your own "stereotype?" that you weren't sure about the word either.

I don't think Gorgug is, or would ever be, afraid of being a "stereotype". Like I don't think he gives a shit about the stereotype that orcs/half-orcs/barbarians only know anger and destruction. I think he's afraid of being a self-fulfilling prophecy of all the things people say that he is. Stupid, mindless, destructive, etc. To pull from what you said here (which it wont let me copy paste on mobile god fucking damnit)

"Your extended family predicted that you would grow to know only rage, and here you are, a barbarian. You, from this perspective, are not proving them wrong."

"Stereotype" for sure applies to his racist extended family. They fucking breathe stereotypes like oxygen. But the bit where his afraid of becoming what everyone says he is, I think "self-fulfilling prophecy" suits that much better. He believes he can be more than that, he knows he can, but it doesn't change the fact that they are technically right.

Okay and the giving in but then "clawing your way into understanding anyways" actually goes so hard lol. Anon, you are so right. From that pov, it's not so much a give up as it is an acknowledgment before he essentially puts the subject on ice.

Rings back a bit to the start of fhjy to me. That dread of seeing the email of school starting back up again, and the terrible sinking pit in your stomach of avoidance, because the time has come to really unpack all that. There was something specific Zac said in his little Gorgug recap before the season started that was about, like, the dread of having to figure out who the fuck you're gonna be when everyone around you seems to have their shit together. That. That hit hard lmao but the experience that he's covered is very true to Gorgug, I think.

I totally misunderstood your first ask! Though I'm happy you sent another cuz I understand a lot better, I think. And tbh I've never had the opportunity to discuss that section of fantasy high with anyone? I wasn't on tumblr or watching d20 when it first aired so I missed these specific topics. Always been v interested in what others thought of his part. Maybe I should put the vods on in the bg next time I'm play sdv. Give em a relisten. And man. The fact that I'm out here quoting your message brings me back to english class so hard. Shocked I don't hate it. Actually having a topic you give half a shit about does wonders huh lmao

Thanks for the ask! You have altered my perspective and I appreciate it. It's like how sometimes you gotta read something out loud to understand it. If all I have is the walls of my own skull, I can only get so far.

[outer-edges]

"It wasn't time that did it."

Joel’s voice is so shaky and small, yet somehow full of so much fucking emotion that Ellie thinks she might get crushed underneath it all. If the thought didn’t scare the shit out of her, she thinks she would call it love. Love and care and trust and all of that other gooey shit that made her want to burst into tears at the very thought. Now, Joel sits in front of her, baring his fucking soul to her, and she suddenly gets what Riley meant all those months ago. Ellie didn’t belong anywhere. Not until Joel. Maybe it was fate, maybe it’s just plain luck. Whatever it is, he flinched all those years ago, and she survived that bite, and they’ve been hurtling towards this moment ever since. 

The one where Joel chokes on his words, and she feels every ounce of the unsaid words. Time didn’t heal his wounds. She did. Because she’s his. And he’s hers. Because they somehow found each other in this terrible fucking world, and nobody has ever made her feel like this. Safety. Belonging.

She isn’t sure what to say. Isn’t really sure if there’s anything she can say. Ellie just hopes he can tell how much this fucking means to her. How much he means to her. He’s everything. He’s been everything for months now. The way he’s looking at her now, like she’s his everything too, it might make her start crying. There aren’t words to describe this. Not ones she’s been taught. Not ones anyone has said to her before. Maybe there were words for this twenty years ago. Maybe there are even words for it still, just not used for people like her. She’s too rough for anyone to get too close to. 

Anyone except Joel. They match like that. Too rough and stubborn for their own good. They match. She’ll hurt for him, and he’ll tear up a town for her, and they’ll find their way back to each other. They always do. They always will.

All those months ago, he said she wasn’t his daughter, and he sure as hell wasn’t her dad. That doesn’t really feel true anymore. It hasn’t felt true since Silver Lake. Since she threw herself into his arms and he whispered soft promises and terms of endearment as he held her. It didn’t even really feel true when he said it, if she’s being honest. Things like fathers and daughters, that won’t ever be something she truly understands, but she thinks this is the closest she’ll ever get.

No. She knows this is the closest she'll ever get. Because, even if they don't address, even if the thought makes her feel a bit like she's wearing a too tight-too itchy wool sweater, they're family. They belong.

“Oh,” Ellie breathes out finally. 

The words go unspoken. They both understand regardless. 

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

good morning, it's a new dawn, new day and all that, so i'm on my unhinged inputting spree.

good news: so far, it's taken me under four minutes each to do the first two (2) pages (which means this whole ordeal MIGHT take me under four (4) hours?)

bad news: the first couple pages have Less Purple On Them than many of the later pages, so we'll see if that actually holds lol

[siover]

i may be just gasping at straws here but there is something just. so insane about how the nature of kendall and shiv’s relationship is somewhat cannibalistic. like shiv spitting in his drink and kendall drinking it anyway and the ‘i love you but i cannot fucking stomach you’ and the idea of kendall being the sacrificial lamb in 2x10 + shiv’s ‘can’t eat’ . like the whole consumption aspect of it all.. just wondering if you had any thoughts on it i suppose!!

YES very true. the kitchen scene is a callback to their childhood in more ways than one--it reflects the siblings' relationship with each other and with food and how they're linked (dyou remember the summer of competitive eating disorders:)). its notable that only shiv and kendall say they're hungry despite none of them having eaten dinner, and that kendall is the only one who ends up eating anything. roman licks the cheese as a joke, passes the ingredients to shiv, who actually blends the discordant foods together, and together they feed kendall this drink that is definitely terrible for him. siblings ! no but i do think its an unsubtle metaphor but it works ! kendalls position as the heir has always relied on roman being the weaker dog bolstering his position, on shiv being the baby who will never get it bc shes a girl. and if he wont drink the rest, they'll drench him with it, turn his own promised position against him in jealousy and self interest and a mistaken notion of love

and shiv spitting in it was very much foreshadowing, yeah. i liked how it was a callback to her spitting in kendalls notebook after the "rape me/i'm not the only one," incident during her speech--it was a childish act then, and its one now, and it shows how any attempts at enmity or solidarity come from the same place of shared abuse, of seeing someone better than you see yourself and punishing them for the traits you share. kendall drinking it again reflects how his position will never be untinged by shivs simultaneous understanding as well as animosity. mirror traps real

the way this all relates to the characters' relationships with food is also ofc very interesting. roman doesnt eat at all, he denies his body and sees it as evidence of his failure to be logan's son. he never wanted ceo, it couldn't have been him, dad's death cements the impossibility of the love he craved by which proximity to the ceo position was made valuable at all. shiv admitted she was starving but never ate anything, only asked her mom if there was food. she brings up food only as a move, only as something that can serve her, because to acknowledge it otherwise would be weakness. ofc this is reflective of her relationship with power, and love--she'll bring it up first so she's noted as being aware of the cards at play without showing her hand. but she never actually gets it because when she's said the quiet part out loud, voiced her ambition, there's nothing stopping the quiet parts of her weaknesses in this world from being consumed i.e. her womanhood :) in the end all she can do is acknowledge the fact of her starvation, and spit into the poisonous food bowl while still hungry.

ofc its kendalls bowl she's spitting into. he sees food as fuel, as something that gets him where he needs to go, but never actually enjoys it, and sees such enjoyment as juvenile--we're not at buckley anymore--but his firm belief in rationality and health corresponding to awareness means its another step to the ideal position that doesn't really exist. at the end of the day he will drink the concoction because he considers himself stronger for it. i did a fucking year in shangai, i'm ready, etc

ultimately this is reflected in their choices in the endings. roman says yes first then retracts with shiv. i think hes the one who says shiv has no stomach for admin which is like, him pinning the decision to support kendall as well as the consideration to kill him onto shiv lol. SHIV doesnt have the stomach for admin, and SHIV cannot stomach kendall, and it comes down to the same thing--shiv shutting kendall out bc she's never been able to digest his choices. this DOES relate to pierce ofc and logan throwing up at the breakfast and ultimately waystar being a declining corporation that could never have eaten up pierce. do you see what im saying do you see how it makes sense from this angle that shiv was the only one who ended up still "in," even if only as the ceo's wife. shiv being unable to stomach kendall is the final nail in the coffin--its acceptance of this fact. of the death of waystar, and by extension logan. anyway i keep thinking about how when they all trooped into the kitchen, wet through, kids again, there was never really any real food in the fridge :)

[wizardofgoodfortune]

Gonna go ahead and ask you #58 on your Spotify wrapped while I'm thinking about it

#58 on my top songs is mirrorball by taylor swift! this is definitely one of my fav songs from her, if not The Favorite; a vivid music video plays out in my head every time i listen to it. here's my favorite part from it, which can definitely lend itself to particular dreamling scenarios... like 1989.

And they called off the circus, burned the disco down When they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns I'm still on that tightrope I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

---

When his stranger didn't show up in 1989, Hob spent the whole day waiting for him. The whole night, too. He heard the last call but stayed long after, until the bartender—Ian was his name, Hob learned at one point—had to kick him out so they could lock up. To Ian's credit, he did it with his most apologetic face.

"Sorry, Hob," Ian said as he locked up the front door of the tavern. "Feel free to come back 'round tomorrow. Promise the place'll still be here by then."

Hob, who was hovering listlessly beside him, gave him a smile. "You'll regret you said that."

Ian laughed. "I'll never regret having more regulars. God knows we need it."

Hob frowned. Right. He nearly forgot about that.

"Need a lift?" Ian offered, fishing out a different set of keys from inside his pockets. "You've drunk quite a lot."

"I'm fine, I just need to—" Hob took a deep breath, "—I need to walk it off."

Ian narrowed his eyes. "Sure? I better not read about you in the papers tomorrow."

Hob snorted. "Trust me, you won't."

With that, Hob stood in front of the tavern and watched Ian drive off, until the old man rounded a corner and disappeared.

Now that he was alone, Hob slumped down on the damp ground and leaned against the front door. They've probably replaced this door more times than he could count, along with the rest of the tavern. Century after century, Hob saw less and less of what used to be here 600 years ago: the chairs, the tables, the mugs, the godawful drinks. The closest thing to permanence this tavern had was its name, and, up until tonight, his stranger. And soon, it wouldn't even have itself.

Hob reached into his coat pocket and took out his lighter and a carton of cigarettes. As he watched London's everchanging skyline glitter above the Thames, he lit a cigarette, the orange of it glowing in the dark. He sat there, waiting, waiting, waiting. He was good at that, at waiting. All you had to have for waiting was time, and Hob had it in abundance. So he waited until the sun rose, until the streets came alive with cars and people, until Ian came back to open up.

"Oi, what happened to walking it off?!" Ian exclaimed, standing over Hob, shielding him from the noon sun. "Bloody hell. C'mon now. Up you go."

Hob let himself be corralled into the tavern's small office and be sat at the small couch that was probably meant for interviews and terminations. He drank the water and aspirin placed in front of him, and he wore the spare shirt lent to him, but he left Ian's questions unanswered.

"Y'know," Hob started as soon as Ian came back in from the bar, "I reckon I could do a good job running a tavern."

"You should be asleep," Ian said accusatorily.

Maybe he should've been. But instead, Hob was sitting upright, wide awake. "I've been in countless taverns, just like this," he continued, "and I reckon I could make a great one. It would be so great that people from all over the world would come to eat and drink there, and say, 'Hey look, it's Hob's tavern, the greatest one around!' And d'you know what the best part about it would be?"

Ian sighed and leaned on his desk. "What?"

"It would be so great that they'd never close it down. They wouldn't be able to. Everyone would rally around it, even the council. And it'd be there for, for centuries. No, millennia. No, forever."

Ian shook his head, smiling. "A beautiful dream."

"A dream?" Hob scrunched his eyebrows. "You don't believe me?"

"Hob, this tavern has been here for centuries. That's a pretty good run, I'd say. Before that, it might've been something else, like a house, or a barn, or something. And before that, it was probably an empty plot of land, or maybe it was full of trees. Maybe bloody dinosaurs lived and died here. Or maybe it was underwater, I dunno. But I'm getting away from the point," Ian said, scratching his scraggly beard. "The point is: things change. That's life."

Suddenly, Hob was reminded of that night a hundred years ago, how his stranger detested the implication that he changed, that he grew to be lonely, lonely enough to seek out companionship. Hob's companionship. Obviously he detested the implication enough to not show up yesterday. But maybe, just maybe, his stranger will show up again today or the next day, just to prove a point, just to say he didn't need him to be his friend, and to say goodbye for the last time. Surely his stranger's not cruel enough to not show up at all, right?

"I, I know, but I can't let this place change, at least not yet," Hob said. His desperation must've plain on his face from the way Ian smiled sadly at him.

"And why's that?"

"My friend and I," Hob paused, thinking about what to say, "this place is important to us."

"You can always find another place."

"He won't," Hob said, voice breaking, "he won't be able to find me."

"How sure are you that he won't?"

Hob put his head into his hands. "I'm sure."

"You don't have his number?"

Hob shook his head.

Ian sighed. "Well, like I said last night, you'll need a lot of money to—"

"I have the money," Hob blurted out.

"What's that?"

"I," Hob repeated, raising his head in realization, "I have the money."

Ian only looked at him.

"I can, I can keep this place alive until he comes back."

Ian regarded him wordlessly for a few more seconds, then said, "I appreciate the thought, I do, but I reckon you can just establish a new one and it'll be less expensive. You can always, I dunno, put up some signs. 'This way to the new tavern' or something. Then when your friend comes around, they'll just read your sign and go to the new tavern."

Hob stared at Ian, mouth hanging open. Then he laughed, feeling a sleep-deprived lightness in his chest. He stood up and held Ian by his shoulders, still smiling. "Ian, you're a genius."

Ian chuckled heartily. "I try."

"And you're a hired genius."

"Pardon?"

"I'll need a bartender for the new tavern," Hob said, grinning.

Ian scoffed in disbelief, but he was smiling. "And what'll you name it?"

Hob thought for a second, then settled on: "The New Tavern."

Ian chortled. "You need sleep. Dearly."

---

send me a number and i'll write something based on the corresponding song in my spotify wrapped!

[capybaraonabicycle]

My dear friend, may I ask for a little drabble from you? Please do feel free to write about any of our favourite characters and ships! I unfortunately don't have any prompts right now, but perhaps there is something in your mind! Thank youuu <3

Here you goooo! Look at how hard I am working on my thesis 😅

Anyway, thank you so much for providing inspiration for this, in more ways than one <3 You will see.

Warning: it is rather angsty and addresses symptoms of ptsd

(Also, it's a triple drabble obviously)

[ID: gif of the motorway in Gridlock, cars driving close to each other. One dives below. end ID]

Ship: Alice/May Cassini

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Their car looked strange, although it was difficult to pinpoint why. The walls were closer somehow, the entire space more crammed. The bed reached into the cockpit, the window was suddenly tiny.

May found herself wedged into a cupboard at the back that she had no recollection of possessing. Far away, she could see Alice, sitting in her usual seat at the wheel, softly speaking into the mic. Despite the room having shrunk in size, it seemed like an insurmountable distance to cross, especially since May had to climb over the bed with her old joints.

Huffing and puffing she reached her, resting her hand on Alice's shoulder for comfort while she caught her breath. Alice wasn't reacting, still talking into the mic. May tried looking out the window but she couldn't make out anything through the pinhead-sized glass.

"What are we doing here?" she asked. "Didn't we - leave the motorway?"

She remembered distantly, a nice little flat, a walkable city, a life with fresh air. It seemed like a fantasy, now.

"We must have reached the end somehow" she muttered.

Finally, Alice reacted. She turned the chair around and her face was oozing pity. May felt her heart go clammy as Alice took her hand, soft, wrinkly skins dancing across each other.

"Oh May" she said. "There is no end to the motorway."

-

May shot up in bed, breathing heavily. She was in her flat, in New New York. She was not in her car. Alice was by her side, sleeping. Everything was okay.

Alice stirred, awoken by her panic. She tried to pry her eyes open.

"May?" she rasped. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, my sweetest" May lay down again, readily cuddling into her wife's open arms, doing her best to calm her breathing. "Go back to sleep, love."

Thank you for reading!

[pearlescentmoon-enjoyers]

it has finally happened...

warrior cats life series au - skyblings

quick disclaimer - any of the parents of the skyblings aren't really being shipped i just think they would be really cool parents together. just adopt or steal a child and raise them as a family unit. nice.

also there's a tldr for each character because i have a lot to say.

okay, first is our favorite silly gal, pearl-

pearl's current name in the au is ravenmoon (воронья луна) due to her having a bird-shaped spot on her face at birth, which later covered more of her body as she aged.

raven/pearl is the child of the in-universe etho (currently named spiderweb but that's subject to change). etho and pearl's second parent were part of a group of cats living in the city, which split and moved to various locations after a disaster. etho learned about a clan of cats living in the forest and wanted to join, but his friend didn't share etho's interest so the latter went alone. he joined the clan but frequently made trips to visit his friend, ultimately coming back with a single kitten (pearl).

pearl/ravenpaw grew up in the clan, being a very successful apprentice. she didn't spend a lot of time with her father or her adopted family/friends (cleo&bdubs), instead inserting herself into her mentor's, impulse's, family and being pretty much adopted by his family once clethdubs group had jimmy and grian.

pearl finished her apprenticeship a moon earlier than expected and went on to become one of the most notable warriors the clan had. however, due to her constant arguments with cleo/burningstar and etho who became the clan's deputy, pearl exiled herself and travelled to the city, in an attempt to find her family. [some stuff happens after this, but i'll probably talk more about it if i continue working on the au :)]

tldr pearl is etho's kid that joins the clan as a newborn and grows up to be a very good warrior. however, due to constant conflicts with cleo (clan leader) and ehto (deputy), she exiles herself to look for her other family members. next up, grian!

in this au, grian is named pigeonpaw (голуболап), [getting the name pigeonsight (голубиный взор) in the future].

grian was born to clethdubs along with his brother jimmy. despite being fairly small, he was the healthier one of the litter, always active and interested in the clan's activity (which greatly annoyed anyone within his vicinity).

growing up, pigeonkit looked up to ravenpaw, who was praised by everyone in the clan for her abilities. however, because pearl didn't share his excitement, he barely got to spend any time with her. due to his siblings' absence, pigeonkit was forced to entertain himself, which led to his curious nature.

during his ceremony, pigeonkit was hoping to be given pearl as his mentor, since the latter had just graduated apprenticeship a moon ago and was the youngest and most available warrior in the clan at the moment, yet his wish didn't come true. it is rumored that ravenmoon flat out refuse to mentor him when that was suggested by burningstar.

grian was in his second moon of apprenticeship when, after a lot of yelling and fighting, his older sister left the clan. heartbroken, pigeonpaw turned to his brother for support and helped him get used to apprenticeship. [again, i have more ideas for grian's character, but they are quite ambitious].

tldr grian is a clethdubs kid who is very active and always getting into trouble. he looked up to pearl a lot and was heartbroken when she left the clan.

the last poor soul is jimmy ->

his name is (obviously) canarypaw (канареечка) [his name will likely be canaryheart (канарейкино сердце) or canaryfall (канарейкино падение? павшая канарейка??) when he's older).

jimmy was born alongside grian to clethdubs. though he was a larger kitten, he was slow to open his eyes or start walking. at a couple moons old, he got extremely sick and had to spend a long time in the medicine den. as soon as he got out, however, he was seemingly cursed with bad luck: always getting in trouble together with his bother, but always being the one most hurt from doing so.

after the young kitten's fur was covered with scars and cuts at the ripe old age of four moons, burningstar decided it was best for him to be mostly confined to the clan's camp for his safety. canarykit was expected to become a medicine cat apprentice, yet he argued his way to becoming a warrior apprentice just like his brother.

for his safety, however, burningstar ordered him to take an extra moon of kittenhood so that he could properly recover from his wounds and begin apprenticeship at 7 moons old. despite being jealous of pigeonpaw, canarykit obeyed and didn't leave camp without permission for the whole moon.

canarypaw wasn't too upset when pearl left the clan, as he was never too close with her, or anyone outside of his parents and brother.

tldr jimmy is a very sick child with bad luck, who is forced to wait until 7 moons to become an apprentice due to his poor health (and luck).

that's it for now!

feel free to do your own takes on the au and whatnot, because the chances of me finishing it are very slim.

also, i based this au on an au soyka and i started last may, so some of the names and positions mentioned here are her idea! we share the blog tho so it's not like she's gonna um not get credit lol :)

[nights-flying-fox]

a short tidepod duo sickfic gift for @little-banjo-frog & @spacemimz :] hope you guys feel better soon!!

Word count: 1283 ☆ fandom: rottmnt ☆ ao3 link: n/a (yet)

 Leo really hated being sick. It was always boring. Especially if he was the only one who got sick. Raph would get anxious and act like a mother hen, and Donnie would never let him leave his room if it was not necessary (and mind you, it is not because Leo has to rest, it is because he’d end up spreading his sickness in the lair), and would be a snitch whenever Leo tried to sneak out. At least Splinter had the experience and always knew what Leo needed. 

 The thing was that his dad seemed to miss the fact Leo had slept the whole morning, and then the whole noon, and now he couldn’t sleep. To be honest he didn’t want to either. Being sick was bad, but staying in your room and not being able to do much was also bad. The first was okay. He read comics, scrolled on his phone and read some fanfiction, played some video games... Yeah, he had company too but... He wanted to do something other than lying down all the time! He was well enough to walk around, and he was pretty sure his sickness wasn't contagious so he should be able to leave the room, right?

 So he got up. It was slow and careful steps, mostly to not wake up others. Thank Pizza Supreme in the Sky, he didn’t cough anymore. He could just have a tour of the lair, maybe even find something interesting to do—

 “Leo?”

 He turned to see Mikey standing at the entrance of his room. He had his blanket wrapped around him, and his eyes were tired. Uh oh.

 “Don’t tell me...” Leo started.

 “It is your fault.” Mikey glared.

 “...Is this why you came here?” Leo asked. “To accuse me of spreading sickness.”

 Mikey whined, “Noooo, I can’t sleep.” 

 Leo tilted his head, “Why?”

 “Because—” He began coughing. Leo watched, feeling terrible. Maybe this was his fault, alright. After his coughing fit was over, Mikey continued. “Well, this...”

 “Eugh boi... Yeah, let’s make you some warm tea.” Leo grabbed his blanket as well. It was cold out of his bed.

 “That sounds good, but I was wondering,” Mikey was looking at him pleadingly. “Could I stay with you tonight?” 

 Leo understood his pain very well. Sickness alone was boring as heck. “Sure, but we will visit the kitchen first.” He didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he pulled his blanket and walked out of the room.

 He’d consider himself fast for someone sick, considering how Mikey had yet to join him. Except he wasn’t aware that Mikey was watching him walk, pulling his plushies on the blanket at the same time. The youngest smiled to himself as he followed his brother, deciding not to say anything. 

 Eventually, the two reached to the kitchen, Leo making two mugs of linden tea. Meanwhile, Mikey leaned on the counter, watching him. As Leo poured the warm tea into the mugs, he noticed something: “Hey, isn’t that Dad’s soup?” 

 Leo looked at where Mikey pointed at. A big casserole, which Leo knew that Splinter used it for when he made one of his famous soups. “Yeah, it is...”

 “Shouldn’t he have put it into the fridge?” Mikey muttered.

 “I dunno, you are the chef here.” Leo shrugged.

 They looked at each other for a second before Mikey said “I’m reheating it.” 

 “I’m getting the bowls.”

 And so the two warmed the soup, poured it into bowls, and headed out of the kitchen with two trays of soup and tea. The slideer had yet to notice his plushies on his blanket too, so they came along with the turtles as well. 

 Leo pointed out that Mikey’s room was the closest one, so they quietly headed there. However, Leo had forgotten that Mikey lacked a bed. Good thing Mikey had unreasonably a lot of pillows. Since Mikey had even less energy and was coughing a bit more now, Leo decided to handle putting the pillows down to make a comfortable place they could sit. As he did the task, he noticed the familiar purple tablet on the ground. “Is that Donnie’s tablet?” 

 “Mmmhmm.” Mikey murmured. 

 Well, they could use this! “Wanna watch a lame movie until we fall asleep or Raph finds us?” 

 “Yeah,” Mikey replied, enthusiastic but tired. “One of the lame horror movies?”

 “No, you won’t be able to sleep.” Leo said as he placed more pillows on the ground.

 “Nuh-uh.”

 “You literally couldn’t sleep after watching those fake ghost stories youtube videos for a week.” 

 “Lies.” 

 Leo rolled his eyes. He didn’t say anything though, because he got distracted once he pulled his blanket over the pillows. “Wha- are those my plushies?” 

 “Yea, you’ve been dragging them along with your blanket the whole time.” Mikey snickered.

 Oh. Okay, Leo maybe hadn’t recovered enough, how had he not noticed that? Eh, who cared. He took them and placed them on the pillows. “Bring yours too then.” He told Mikey as he sat down and pulled the trays closer, opening space to put the tablet on. Mikey did as he was told, and then sat next to Leo. They chose a movie and drank their soup and tea as they watched it in the dimly lit comfy room. The fairy lights and the way they were lying on the many pillows sleepily really made it feel like they were in a pillow fort. It was nice. 

 Mikey eventually got into his shell, only leaving his head out to see the screen. Leo held him close, circling gently his shell whenever his brother had a coughing fit. They both weren’t feeling their very best, but it seemed that the warm stuff and the comfort helped.

 The youngest was the first to fall asleep. Leo didn’t remember when, but he fell asleep too. In the morning they found themselves in Leo’s bed, surrounded with some pillows and stuffed animals. And there was grumpy Raph watching them- no, glaring at them, sitting next to them.

 “Hey big guy,” Leo smiled. Mikey was still sleeping beside him. “For your information, Mike’s joined the sick club.” 

 “I know.” He huffed. “What were you two thinking laying on the ground the whole night?”

 “On pillows, Raph.” Leo corrected.

 Raph glared at him even more, if it was possible.

 “Relaaax, I was restless and he wanted company. I thought tea would help with his coughing, and his room is closer than mine...” Leo explained.

 Raph sighed. “What am I gonna do with you two...” 

 “Bring us a very good breakfast?” He suggested.

 “How are you feeling?” Raph asked, ignoring Leo’s suggestion. But he had smiled, so he might’ve brought them a good breakfast. Or maybe it was already on the way. 

 “Still not feeling too hot, buuut kinda better.” Leo answered. “No coughing, a bit tired tho.”

 “Yeah, good.” Raph smiled, then put his hand on his forehead. “Your fever seems to be better. But don’t you dare to leave the bed yet. Not alone.”

 “Why, where are you going?” Leo asked.

 “Didn’t you ask for breakfast?” Raph smiled as he walked towards the door.

 “You’re the best Raph.” 

 “Yeah, yeah.” Raph waved his hand. As he left, he added, “Get prepared against Donnie’s rant of careful usage of his stuff and whatever Pops has to say about soup.” 

 When Leo groaned, Raph had already left. 

 But now Leo wasn’t sick and alone. Yeah, maybe being sick was boring, and so was being stuck in your room, but hey, at least he had his family that made his days better. He smiled to himself, closing his eyes to fall asleep before his twin or Splinter paid a visit.

[teen-safe-space]

Hi. I wanted a little help, like, mentally, I was wondering if you have any advice on how to feel good about yourself, I'm naturally a chubbier person, my mom's side and dad's side of girls are all thicker, and I hav3 naturally thick thighs, and I hate it, I hate it all about myself, and I was wondering if you had any tips about how to feel better about yourself, I've gotten to the point of starving myself for days, besides dinner cuz I don't want my family knowing. I'm really sorry if this is a hassle for any of you mods, I just was wondering if you could help, it's perfectly fine if not, and I'm really sorry if this is a bother, have a good day!!

Hi there dear (/platonic)! It’s cerulean here, I’m sorry it’s taken almost a week for any response, but I’m responding now!

First off, it’s never a bother or a hassle for any of us mods, it’s why we’re here: to help!

I’m honestly not really sure about tips on how to feel better about yourself, other than consume positive media with things that make you feel better about yourself, and tell yourself things that you do like about yourself. I know you specifically mentioned not liking your thighs, but do you like your eyes? Your hair? Your nose? Your hands? Your arms? Any freckles if you have them? The way you talk? The way you smile? Your handwriting? Anything! What do you like about you? (Because let me tell you, all of the things I just mentioned —and more— I love about you)

I’m not really the best person to talk about starving oneself, seeing as I’ve never done it, but i want to tell you it will not help you. You may see some physical alterations with starving yourself, but in the end you’ll just end up being so exhausted and end up feeling more shitty. I’m not sure if this helps at all, but I want you to know that I don’t want you to starve yourself.

I understand what it feels like to hate the way you look. I am very muscular, fit, and short, but all of my best friends for almost ten years have been extremely skinny/lean, with little to no muscle, and very tall. This idea of being so physically different from my friends, who’ve I’ve always thought were the most beautiful people, has definitely weighed on my subconscious whether I think about it or not.

I unfortunately started thinking about this concept of beauty standards wayyy too early. I remember being five years old and meeting another five year old at a festival in a bouncy house. She was much more lean than I was (despite us being only five, but I still remember her being very skinny). She told me about how her brother had annoyed her, and if I wanted to help her get back at him (I don’t rember what it was we were doing), and I of course said yes. I still remember her older brother who was probably around twelve or thirteen years old at the time calling me fat. I rember the girl and I looking at each other in confusion, before attempting to beat the shit out of him (we couldn’t, we were only five). I remember keeping this to myself for a while, the notion that I was fat (as a kindergartener), before one day asking my crush at the time if he thought I was fat (don’t remember how it came up, also this kid is still the sweetest person I’ve ever known, Cody I miss you lmao), for him to give a very heartfelt response about how could I ever think that, of course that I wasn’t, and that the kid who called me fat was wrong. But I still think about the boy who called me fat when I was five. Did it have a massive physiological impact on me? I’m not sure, but probably.

In conclusion, I want you to know you are not alone. I am comfortable sharing how insecure I am, because I want people to know that they are not alone in being insecure. I dream of the day we can all look in the mirror and think “I look pretty today” without looking in the mirror a little while later and saying “wow what was I thinking earlier? I look awful.” I want you know that I think you’re beautiful, despite the fact that I’ve never seen you before. I can just tell, that the person that sent this ask in, is beautiful.

-Cerulean

[when-wax-wings-melt]

Roisin’s Reading Rumble: Round 1 @camelspit @arson-anarchy-death

(note: I used ebooks, not all of them exactly legal, so i don’t have exact page numbers for some of these quotes. You can have the books instead)

Final wordcount: 3k (out of a total 5.5k on the google doc, the rest of them being my outline and notes)

Preview:

As Fitz considers this, he decides that it is unacceptable, and Alvar must be faking. By accepting that Alvar’s violence comes in any part from his environment, he is acknowledging that he might be blamed—and be capable of the same.

FITZ AND ALVAR

Part One: PRE-SOPHIE

Childhood Dynamic

Alvar turned to the group and whispered, “Fitz is a cuddler.” (Neverseen 576)

Fitz and Alvar have around a fifteen year age gap, with Fitz being around 16 during the books while Alvar is in his early 30s. They were never that close, but still act and joke like siblings.

They mention shared interests in sports, experiences such as Alvar’s pet raptor peeing on Fitz’s hand, and constant family dinners that keep them in close contact. The Vackers place strong emphasis on family love and loyalty, and it shows in the way Fitz looks up to his brother. This makes what comes later all the more heartbreaking.

The Importance of Appearances

Same wavy hair, same square jaw—but he had Della’s pale eyes. He was also ridiculously good looking, but he clearly worked hard to look good. (KOTlC)

“The more you look like you belong, the more likely someone will believe you if they spot you.” (Neverseen 588)

The typical Vacker appearance (as in, the five Vackers we are more acquainted with) fits Fitz like a glove. Features such as dark brown hair, pale or tan skin, American-beauty-standard thin, and the iconic teal eyes fit the Vacker narrative, with the caveat that all of it has to be effortless. A Vacker is naturally perfect, uniquely beautiful, and genetically powerful.

Alvar, despite having pale skin and dark hair, doesn’t fit into the Vacker image for two reasons: his cobalt eyes inherited from his mother, and the effort he puts into his appearance. Sophie consistently notes that he pays special effort into working out at the gym to maintain muscle, gelling his hair, and tailoring his clothes to perfection.

Probably, Alvar doesn’t feel like he fits in. He has to work to catch up to what Fitz naturally has. He’s an outsider in his own family, watching someone else take his place as the best without even trying.

Success (Alden)

Alvar wins the Radiant award, the highest achievement one can reach from Foxfire. He has Della place it on the mantle to encourage Biana and Fitz to succeed. Fitz, who has always reached for the best grades and scores, always winning every splotching match, no doubt expected to earn it. Alvar’s pride in himself at receiving the Radiant shows his arrogance and his need for success, as well as his willingness to brag about his achievements to his siblings.

Fitz manifests as the youngest Telepath ever, and certainly one of the most powerful. Alvar, on the other hand, is a fairly average Vanisher—when Biana manifests, Della comments that “Alvar took days until he could vanish completely, and he was a year older than you when he manifested." (Everblaze). Biana’s natural talent at Vanishing reinforces the Vacker talent, which seems to skip over Alvar. As Fitz continues to grow in his talent, Alvar continues to remain average, continuously working to reach what Fitz naturally has.

It seems that Alvar went to live with the ogres for a long time—perhaps to get away from home, but more likely as a diplomatic mission on the behalf of Fintan to get Dimitar on their side. Still, he was involved with the Council and was allowed to know classified information, which he often discusses with Alden along with the Black Swan information. Fitz, though, was close to Alden without being a diplomat, without being involved with the Council. Being such a powerful Telepath meant that he automatically had an “in” with their father that Alvar resented. Despite looking up to Alvar the most, Fitz expected it to be his father he looked to; he places weight in his father's opinion, and Alvar must have too.

Looking for Sophie

Alvar was the first one to look for Sophie, but Fitz soon took over. Alvar’s failure led to two waves of disappointment: one from the Neverseen, and the other from Alden. Imagine his resentment when Fitz did find Sophie! He succeeded, he failed. This remains a trend.

Part Two: SOPHIE - NEVERSEEN

Alvar’s Intro

“Halfway through the feast of epic proportions, a dark-haired guy rushed into the room and sank into an empty chair. He was a Vanisher, blinking in and out of sight with every step.” (KOTLC, 199)

At a dinner to celebrate the end of midterms, Alvar shows up late. Sophie mentions that she didn’t know there was another brother, and he comments sarcastically that his family must talk about him a lot. To be fair, at this point, she barely speaks to Fitz, and this was one of the first times with Biana—but no one has mentioned Alvar. And he seems to expect it.

Fitz and Alvar never speak at this dinner. We don’t see them actually interact on page until Exile, when Alden’s mind breaks.

Kidnapping

Did you know that Alvar went to your planting in the Wanderling Woods? After he’d drugged you and tied you up and staged the cave to make everyone think you’d drowned? Then he stood there with his hand on my shoulder and offered to let me borrow his stupid handkerchief. (Lodestar 66)

Alvar aids in the kidnapping of Sophie and Dex. He goes home in between torture sessions and comforts Fitz, Biana, and his parents. Fitz welcomes the comfort—his typically absent brother is here for once, here to make things better. It doesn’t matter that he’s not grieving like the rest of them because he didn’t know Sophie like that, anyway. 

All the comfort, all the handkerchiefs and hands-on-shoulders and sorries make it all worse, later. When Fitz has to look back and realize that none of what Alvar said was real, and he was actively lying and hurting them. Perhaps if he had been a little smarter, Fitz thinks, he would have discovered the lies before putting Sophie and Dex through all that.

Alden’s Break (not in a vacation kinda way)

“I think that’s enough, little brother,” Alvar said, appearing in the room. (Exile, 717)

When Alden’s mind breaks, Fitz loses it at the world. But he doesn’t lose it at his family: Biana, Della, and Alvar are the only people exempt from his anger. The sides become Fitz against Sophie, and everyone is forced on either one. Notably, Alvar chooses Sophie, and Biana chooses Fitz. 

During the initial break, when they need to know what happens, Alvar tries to prevent Fitz from searching Alden’s mind, and instead urges Sophie to. Alvar, as Fitz’s hero, doesn’t believe in his capabilities over this new girl. Fitz wants to be the strongest, and to save his father—Alvar does not believe in him. The worst part is that he’s right: Fitz’s mind is lost, and Sophie needs to save him. When she realizes Alden’s mind is broken, she steadies herself on Alvar’s arm, not Fitz.

It’s Fitz versus Sophie, but Alvar’s fighting more than she is. Alvar continuously bridges the gap between Sophie and Fitz. Later, he will BE that gap. On the other side is Biana: she chooses Fitz over Sophie, but also Fitz over Alvar. Alvar is the one to tell her Alden’s mind breaks, and Fitz reminds her to hate Sophie. Biana as the tug-of-war rope remains a constant in Fitz and Alvar’s relationship (more on this later).

When Fitz eventually apologizes to Sophie, he is confused as to why she isn’t mad at him. Throughout the upcoming books, he doesn’t believe her when she says he’s forgiven. He knows how to hold grudges, and he doesn’t understand why someone wouldn’t hold them.

It remains worth mentioning that Fitz only forgives Sophie when what he blamed her for will be fixed. He apologizes before Alden is healed, but most likely if she’d failed he would have held a grudge, if a small one. Additionally, if the possibility of Alden’s healing had never been brought up, quite possibly he would not have snapped out of it until it was too late to salvage their relationship. Alvar’s betrayal is something that can never be fixed— even when Alvar loses his memory, getting a “redo” isn’t possible when Fitz can never forgive him, because time cannot be turned back.

Fitz’s Hero

Person you look up to? she asked him. / Alvar’s face popped up in his mind. (Neverseen, 154)

Fitz says that he would have thought the person he looked up to the most would be his father. But that wasn’t the case. It’s a little ironic: Fitz thinks Alvar is just the coolest thing since sliced bread, and meanwhile Alvar is in fact actively working towards his downfall.

Alvar’s Betrayal

“You really wouldn’t understand,” Alvar snapped. “You’re the Golden Son. I had to find people who appreciate my talents.” (Neverseen 620)

What more is there to say? Alvar is forced by Fintan into the reveal that he’s been working for the Neverseen this whole time. Brant’s comment that he overestimated Alvar’s abilities since he allowed Sophie to get away as The Boy Who Disappeared is answered with defensiveness by Alvar. Even when all is out in the open, he still has things to prove. “You want to compare mistakes?” Alvar asks, and Fitz and Biana back away.

This is the moment of the breaking. Fitz’s trust fractures, to be shattered fully later (see: Fitz vs Keefe vs Alvar). He is damaged beyond repair. Betrayal becomes second nature. His loyalty is proven misplaced: the man he looked up to most, the brother who teased him, the family he’d leaned on and asked for favors and trusted with his tears and heart, hated him the whole time.

Alvar’s motivation was based around Fitz. The Golden Son.

This is the Snap.

Part Three: LODESTAR-STELLARLUNE

Reconceptualizing:

“No,” Della whispered. “He wouldn’t…” / “Oh, he would.” Fitz’s voice was black ice.” (Neverseen)

Alvar’s mind was not broken by the violence he committed. Unlike Brant, Fintan, Umber, or even Gisela, he was perfectly capable of maintaining a life full of who he’d been before joining. Confirmation that he was aware and possibly present for the kidnappings, aided in the attempted genocide of the gnomes, burned human cities, and committed many other atrocities just raises questions about how guilt affects elves in the first place.

Or, one could draw the conclusion that he just didn’t care.

Fitz now knows that all of Alvar’s absences, comforting shoulder pats, and jokes were made while fighting against the Black Swan, and specifically Sophie. He also knows that his, Biana, and Della’s joining of the Black Swan would not have made any difference. Alvar was perfectly prepared to continue being a double agent against his family, even when it could catch them in the crossfire.

Alvar’s Amnesia

Fitz leaned closer, getting right in his face. “If you were actually sorry, you’d volunteer to spend the rest of your life in that horrible cell. Same goes for if you really wanted to make sure you never hurt anyone again. But you don’t care. All you care about is yourself. And that’s how I know that even if you don’t recover your memories, someday you’ll go back to being that same creepy murderer.” (Flashback)

As Alvar is remade into a version of himself that never was weighted with expectations or resentments, he brings in the ancient debate of nature vs nurture.

The natural, reborn version of Alvar is kind, polite, respectful, and entirely not evil. He possesses no ulterior motive, no instinct to cruelty, and no interest in violence. He is, in essence, proof that his environment is the reason he turned out the way he did.

Whether it was the influence of his parent’s expectations, Fitz’s overachievement, Alvar’s isolation, the discovery of the troll hive (or whatever else could be the “Vacker Legacy”) or the Neverseen’s persuasive abilities, Alvar was not “fated” to be a part of the villains.

As Fitz considers this, he decides that it is unacceptable, and Alvar must be faking. By accepting that Alvar’s violence comes in any part from his environment, he is acknowledging that he might be blamed—and be capable of the same.

Fitz’s Violence

“Nothing!” Alvar promised, and the red streaming from his nose glinted in the moonlight as he lifted his head and his wild eyes met Sophie’s. “Please—I don’t know what you’re talking about!” / Fitz punched him again, hitting Alvar in the mouth with a horrible crunch. (Flashback)

Speaking of being capable of the same—Fitz absolutely is. He could have—would have—killed Alvar. 

Alvar’s missing memory doesn’t change Fitz’s anger towards his brother—in fact, it serves to intensify some of that fury with the knowledge that even after everything Alvar has done, he will still be trusted and loved over Fitz. Their tug of war, their endless push to be the best and most perfect Vacker breaks everything between them—and it breaks them. In his terror that Alvar has infected him, Fitz loses himself in punishing his brother.

He layers all that has happened to ruin his life (since he can’t exactly blame Sophie) onto his brother’s shoulders and attacks that. Guilt doesn’t factor into it—it plays into the idea that Fitz and Alvar are different from all the others, since guilt doesn’t affect them. Alden’s mind broke from something that was his fault but long-passed, while Fitz and Alvar can physically hurt and bleed each other with no mental effects (that we see—personally, exploring the possibility of either of their broken minds that just doesn’t show externally is fascinating).

If Alvar’s betrayal was the fracture, and Keefe’s betrayal was the break, then this is a demolition. Fitz will destroy himself to destroy Alvar—he slices his knuckles and doesn’t notice in the violence. Their blood blends together, and it’s the same.

Alvar’s “Death”

Fitz swallowed hard, blinking several times before he turned to Sophie, his eyes absolutely unreadable. “Is it wrong that I’m not sorry?” (Flashback)

He stops pushing buttons. He’s not sorry about it. His mind doesn’t break. He doesn’t lose sleep. 

“Life is a series of hard choices.” is what Sophie tells him. It’s the only way she knows how to comfort him, but the truth is, it was never a hard choice. He always knew that it would end that way, because an end by any other hand was unacceptable. He would believe it was done right if he hadn’t been the one to do it. That’s the point: that it’s the two of them who can’t live with each other. They crowd out each other’s space, steal each other’s air.

Part Four: EXTRA

What makes Biana Different?

“You want to talk about my family?” he snapped, his features angling into hard lines. “And I don’t mean the brother who would’ve been happy to murder me about ten minutes ago—though that was eye-opening. And I don’t mean the sister who would’ve stood by and let him do it while shedding a few pretty tears, either. I don’t even mean the parents who’ve only been so supportive recently because they know they all but phased me out of their lives the moment they chose to have more children. (Flashback)

So, the question: why does Alvar hate Fitz, but his “eyes soften” when looking at Biana?

When Alvar betrays them, Biana is much more sympathetic than Fitz—but that’s a low bar. She does not actively hurt him, and believes his lost memory. Biana reacts to Alvar’s loss with just as much betrayal as Fitz, commenting that she had seen Alvar sneaking away in the past and never thought to wonder where he was going. She keeps herself from missing him by reminding herself how often she’s caught her parents crying in the weeks since he’s left. She seems more open to a fresh start (seen as an utter betrayal by Fitz, of course). But at the same time… she would have watched Fitz kill Alvar with that knife. 

Really, no one talks about how Biana also stopped pushing buttons.

In fact, most likely Biana and Alvar were not as close as Fitz and Alvar. Alvar left for the Elite Levels only a few years (two or three) after Biana was born, and Fitz mentioned that he’s lucky to see him twice a year. Biana manifested as a Vanisher (common ground) only recently.

During the first betrayal, Alvar looks at Biana, and that is when he brings up the Vacker Legacy. Clearly, she is an acceptable part of it. Clearly, Fitz is not. For some reason, even though Biana manifested before them both AND manifested as a Vanisher, is very powerful and also friends with Sophie, she is not the threat. SHE did not take anything. SHE is not a copy of him.

Alvar's grudge only extends to Biana after she chooses Fitz. But Fitz was plenty mad at her for choosing Alvar in his mind; they present a spectrum that is "with them" or "against them" and they can't find a grey area. If Sophie accidentally lets Alvar go—she's chosen her side. If Biana is sympathetic—she's lost too.

Remember Biana as a rope in tug of war. In Nightfall, they find Biana in a pool of her own blood, cut up by shards of mirrors. She is invisible in them, and they scar her with what can never disappear. Soon after, they find Alvar, also scarred by who he has become. Fitz, now, is an outlier from his siblings: his physical scars are more internal, with his heart controlling the pain in his leg.

Fitz vs Keefe vs Alvar

Are you angry? she asked. I know you are at Alvar—and I’m with you on that. But are you sure that’s what you’re feeling toward Keefe? (...) That was Alvar. You can’t keep lumping him together with Keefe. Your brother is… I don’t even know. I don’t understand why he would turn his back on his family, or do such unimaginably awful things. (Lodestar 64)

Let’s talk about how Fitz’s emotions aren’t allowed to be complex about Alvar. He betrayed them and that’s that. But Keefe did too. Why can’t he be angry at both? Why can’t he love and miss both, too?

Alvar was Keefe’s hero. He was rebellious, wild, but also loved. He had a family and then threw it all away, and this is something Keefe could never understand. But despite not understanding it, he still copies him and joins the Neverseen. Alvar says that he always liked Keefe more than his actual little brother, and Keefe consistently reminds himself that Alvar likes him, would never hurt him, actively roots for him.

But Fitz knew both of them in other ways. He knows the loving and the breaking. He forgave Keefe. He said he forgave Keefe. But really, he would never be able to—because he has pushed the two of them together in his head until Keefe is a reminder of Alvar all the time. As long as he is a reminder, Fitz can never forgive him, and they can never go back—Fitz is the bridge between the two of them, but Keefe is also a bridge. He is a fractured one, one that Fitz resists crossing as best he can.

Part Five: CONCLUSION

Basically: they hate each other because they ARE each other. Constant expectation and pressure from childhood have molded them into who they are today. Mirror symbolism works so perfectly for a reason.

They treat those around them like they're in a war and need to choose sides or be marked as deserters. Sophie, Biana, Keefe, Alden, Della, and all their other friends are forced into this war unwillingly. They don't even know what they're fighting.

Fitz and Alvar, truly, don't know what they're fighting anymore. They just keep on punching.

[machinavillage]

i think its funny when ppl are like "ewww drinking piss is disgusting" at someone and you go to the blog of the person they are talking about. its like dirty-little-piss-drinker-69 and their first post is "im a disgusting little pervert slut and i love warm p-" like. yeah they think its disgusting too its part of the package. i dont think they would say piss tastes better than say, a glacier gatorade, either. they're not drinking piss for the taste its for the psychological experience. they understand their craft better than you.

[erenkucuk]

( EMRE BEY, CIS MAN, HE/HIM ) EREN KÜÇÜK the THIRTY-ONE year old is known as THE FOODIE within the group. they are known to be TENACIOUS and CYNICAL which makes sense when you think about how HE POSSIBLY HAS A SON HE HAS REFUSED TO RECOGNIZE AS HIS OWN but i guess we’ll find out for ourselves. 

〔 biography . connections . pinterest . playlist . 〕

⸺   ONE   ,     STATS  .

✦ full name. eren küçük ✦ age. thirty-one ✦ date of birth. february 19th, 1993 ✦ gender. cis-male ✦ pronouns. he/him ✦ sexual orientation. bisexual ✦ occupation. chef

⸺   TWO  ,     INFORMATION

eren's upbringing was a tale of privilege and expectation. raised with every comfort, his father envisioned him as the heir to the family business, yet eren's heart lay elsewhere. his blend of strategic thinking from his father and creative flair inherited from his mother hinted at a different path.

from an early age, eren found solace and passion in the kitchen, trading playgrounds for pots and pans. his parents, aware of his talent, supported his culinary passion, enrolling him in courses while other kids chased balls on the field.

at first, eren embodied the perfect child image, seemingly flawless and golden. but as he grew older, hints of rebellion started peeking through, hidden from his parents' watchful eyes. with charisma and charm, he smoothly moved through social circles, using his allure strategically, occasionally hinting at a more darker side.

eren's post-high school ambition was to leave michigan, feeling a need to break free from what he saw as confinement. his plea to attend culinary school in france found swift approval from his parents, leading him to board a plane without looking back.

in france, eren's culinary skills dazzled, garnering him praise and admiration. while he mostly relied on his natural talent he occasionally resorted to underhanded tactics to maintain his edge. despite tempting offers from renowned restaurants worldwide upon graduation, eren opted to stay in france, though he made occasional trips back home to satisfy his mother's yearning.

tw: pregnancy & abandonment. ascending the ranks in a prestigious restaurant, eren's personal life mirrored his success professionally, or so it seemed. however, beneath the surface of what seemed like a perfect relationship lay disconnection and separate lives. when his girlfriend revealed her pregnancy, eren's response was immediate—he denied paternity and cut ties, hastily moving to another province to avoid the subject.

returning to michigan under the pretext of familial closeness and his desire to open his own restaurant but really aiming to dodge his ex's legal pursuit of child support.

⸺   THREE  ,     PERSONALITY

THE BAD

he's been spoiled rotten, never once grounded.

incredibly persuasive, he can easily wear the nice guy facade.

he firmly believes he's untouchable, free to do as he pleases without consequence.

deeply fearful of his mistakes being exposed, he's even more terrified of letting down those he cares about.

he harbors grudges intensely and can be vengeful if he deems it fitting.

THE GOOD

super disciplined, maybe won't win father of the year, but he's dead serious about his job.

strategic and methodical, he always thinks twice before making a move.

charismatic and charming that makes him approachable and likable

he's got a sharp wit and can think fast on his feet.

when it comes to family, he's fiercely loyal and protective. like ngl he's a good son and brother.

⸺   FOUR  ,     HEADCANONS

i mean i know what you're gonna ask, ella why doesn't he take a paternity test and get over with it. and my answer is idk friend, men can be cowards and he's just like why bother.

speaks french fluently and i'm sure he's that annoying person that "forgets" words in English because he's so used to french. (ngl that's me too but so la voo or whatever)

also about the french. claims to be fluent (and he is but he has a slight accent, sue him) yet Parisians keep speaking to him in English. the goddamn nerve.

extremely competitive. he's lost friends over game boards but he thinks those were weak friendships because why would he be friends with someone who goes bankrupt on monopoly?

while he always loved cooking, not many people know he was a picky eater as child but he's learned to get over his four-year-old palette and now eats most. except for olives, he still agrees that they are disgusting.

if hypocrisy were a talent he'd be the best of his kind. should have been a politician really.

claims his favorite movie is dead poets society but it actually is mamma mia! (sue him again for liking fun)

can't watch a movie with a dog in it unless he's checked the website does the dog die? first. if the answer is yes, he won't watch it.

⸺   FIVE  ,     CONNECTIONS

listen i will make a page i promise, not today and maybe not tomorrow but soon meanwhile here are some scraps my one brain cell has allowed me to think.

best friend: i mean i know i haven't sold him as the greatest human being but he is a loyal friend to those he actually likes.

childhood friend: again, listen, he was a very decent human being as a child.

enemies: really people he's fucked over or have seen through his facade.

high school victim: I feel like this can also be in the enemy category bc yes, but maybe he subtly bullied this person in high school but no one really knew?

exes: maybe your character got the nice boyfriend maybe he got the asshole. I'm down for whatever.

one night stand: maybe not one night but you know the drill.

love-hate: I'm sucker for these connections. gimme the tension, the hate but the desire like pls.

failed date: went on a date, didn't work out

also I will steal many plot ideas from taylor swift songs bc I have no original thoughts.

[transgenderfivepebbles]

Stars and Sea, Deliver – Rain World Poem + Short Story

O stars and sea, deliver now

This soul from life and death

Sleep eternal, granted peace

Beneath the golden waves

Four Needles Under Plentiful Leaves walked down the chamber aisle, the countless golden trinkets on her body and clothes clinking in unison with every step, sparkling in the warm lamplight of the Citadel. This would be her last moment here – she had chosen to ascend years ago, and after a long, long period of meditation and ritual, she was finally declared ready. 

O stars and sea, accept as yours

The highest of our kin

Let their journey to your world

Be gentle as can be

The choir’s voice, clear and bright, filled the hall, their mesmerizing hymn and the strange distortion in the air turning the scene into a surreal dream. She listened closely to the song; it was a common hymn she’d heard many times before, even sung herself at another’s ascension ceremony. They wished her well on her journey, a blessing like the ornate robes and fine perfumes she, like many others, wore to prepare themselves for their ascension.

She stopped before the heavily distorted door at the hall’s end, and turned around to face the others, fellow monks and spiritual explorers who aspired to follow in her path someday. 

Four Needles Under Plentiful Leaves gave them a final, gracious bow, and turned back to open the door, closing it behind her.

O stars and sea, do hear our song

From struggle break them free

As morning mist in glorious light

May their burdens fade

She was suddenly overwhelmed by the sight – the pool of dark liquid before her, gleaming at the edges in a radiant gold that spread to form shifting patterns on the walls and floor; the deep sounds that came from all sides, only describable as divine.

This was it. 

Four Needles knelt down, a feeling of lightness enveloping her as she moved closer to the pool. Her body seemed to slip away from her as she moved closer, until she met the surface and felt

nothing.

It was certainly not the nothing that was a lack of sensation, far from it, but the distinct nothing of lacking even the ability to sense, the nothing of ceasing to be at all. 

It was… beautiful? Terrifying? She could make nothing of it.

Visions swarmed in her mind, of vast fields of golden stars spinning around her, of darkness engulfing them, of an endless sea teeming with unsettling creatures.

Then, everything stopped.

O revered peer, we bid farewell

Go forth into the dark

Sleep eternal, find your peace

Beneath the golden waves

Four Needles woke up. 

She shouldn’t have woken up. Not this time.

Where was she, even? 

Her body was mangled, reduced to a mass of dark tendrils, the gold that once adorned her now a tatter of gilt and scales.

The Citadel… it was so dark. Not even sunlight touched it now. What could have desecrated it so? 

It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair that her ascension would fail.

She was bound here forever, where her memories rested, in the ruins of her world.

…

…

A small white animal, bearing a bright mark above its head, emerged from a crevice and approached her.

[lavenoon]

(What if too tired for work, but not too tired for fanfic?) XD But seriously, I’m taking advantage of the fact that I can no longer focus on assignments to be able to read the latest chapters! And boooooooy do I have thoughts! Ok, ok, so first of all, man did Moon take the brunt of that reveal huh? Not only realizing what’s been going on, but now questioning his whole relationship with the Robin he thought he knew. I’m sure their complaints were more annoyed at first, but surely Sun may also have exaggerated a liiiiitle how bad the “coworker” was actually perceived when he told Moon about it, based on how we know Sun has also felt a pang of jealousy when y/n did speak fondly of him. But I can definitely see how Moon needed the space, (even if it actually might have made it worse just spiraling in his thoughts). And then also Sun! Because he’s so, so afraid that y/n wouldn’t see him as the sweet guy that they kinda went on a date with and have been building a closer relationship with, (which I mean, fair assumption, we saw how the ruthlessness went in reverse au even if it was due to have it directed AT them, which canon Sun wouldn’t do at this point). These guys are a combined ball of anxiety and fears. And omg, poor Robin. You have mentioned before that they didn’t use to hang out with anyone before and that they generally didn’t get along with most coworkers, so I suspected they were already a very lonely person (and pretending they could handle it fine) before they met the boys, but wow, this really highlights how much that was the case. They’re very concerned about Moon, and while they themself have disappeared before, they probably felt something was off about this time. And then to come back to find out their neighbor who maybe possibly went on a date with them just the day before is obviously avoiding them? Sun and Moon at least had each other to reassure themselves that everything would be fine when their landlord/rival disappeared . Robin had no one. And knowing how sweet Sun was towards them probably only made them think that whatever they did was a grave offense. So their rival could be dead and they wouldn’t know, and their neighbor might hate them now, and now they tried to fix it, but they’re still terrified of finding out what really is going on. And that loneliness that they probably didn’t even notice was there before is coming twice as strong now that they’re used to the company of two very important people to them. Ough, loving it all, can’t wait until reckless y/n learns the truth and does whatever they’re gonna do!

I sat on this the entire workday wanting to answer, you really sent this right before I left! gdhsj

This. has turned MUCH too long I am so sorry. Read more for you GFHDJS

But yea yea yea! If we compare Moon's reaction about being the "annoying coworker" in the first alt reveal drabble and the canon reveal, the difference is drastic.

In one, he has the complainer right there - throwing pillows at him, rather than anything actually hostile. Y/N is frantic, and near panic, but did not go further than any attacks they direct at each other on any other day.

Another example from that one unpublished drabble I have no idea when I'll get to it (context: Dusk picked Robin up):

This is early in the rivalry, but still standard. They fight a bit, but they don't truly hurt each other - in the alt reveal scene he had that immediate reassurance that yes, Robin may snark and throw some punches (or, pillows), but they don't see him as an enemy.

In the canon reveal? He has the immediate comparison of Robin & Dusk vs Y/N & Sun, with the latter being much friendlier and closer (as he thinks). Then he has the thought that he's the coworker, and Y/N isn't there to reassure him of their relationship and dynamic, he only has Sun who's in denial and then freaking out just as much, and he catastrophizes. It's a lot, it's too much, and then he's already buried himself in those worst case thoughts where not even Sun could reach him.

The nights he hides away to think he basically went through all their interactions, trying to interpret them differently, and some (especially earlier) memories might have fit this terrible new pattern he has to consider, but more and more... It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up, and then Sun shares that he was jealous because Y/N wouldn't rest until they heard their coworker is concerned.

So by the time Sun urges him to go back to work to see Robin? He's ready to hope again, and boy does Robin deliver. There's still a lot of hurt, remnants of doubt that he needs to talk to Y/N about, and fear of the unknown future for them all. But when Robin cheers him up, baits him into a chase, and is just so relieved to have him back? That's when things start looking up for him again.

And Sun? "which canon Sun wouldn’t do at this point" well. Maybe not quite - but once Sun leans into the rivalry, Robin is in for a surprise. And not just the "Oh no he's hot" kind! They just have the advantage that they already know all of him by then, unlike reverse Robin meeting the ruthless side first.

He is ruthless. That is him, and he enjoys a good chase! He's also sweet and loves taking care of Y/N, yes, and if he had thought it's an option he would have hidden away all those parts he wouldn't want them to see and just be that for them. Would he have been entirely happy? Probably not, honestly. The secrecy and cutting off parts of himself to fit into that image he projected would have taken their toll on him.

If, post-reveal when things settle down, you'd ask him if he thinks it was good they found out? Immediate "Yes." He gets to show all of himself to Y/N, and they accept him, and enjoy all of him. He gets to cook for them and ask them if they're staying hydrated and also chase them through the city and fluster them on missions.

But right now? He doesn't know what the future holds. There's just fear that they might find out, and while they might not be horrified at what he's capable of per se, it's still one hell of a contrast to the person he tried to be for them. He thinks they'd see it as a downgrade, as opposed to Moon having an easier time since they already knew his agent side.

Moon's fear is that Robin may have never liked him. They disprove that as soon as they get the chance, unknowingly.

Sun's fear is that Y/N may hate Dawn. He doesn't get the reassurance until they do find out, and then some.

Moon took the brunt of the reveal - but Sun has to endure it longer.

Y/N? They thought they were fine on their own, they were doing well enough, they had some fun, they didn't realize that something was missing until they gained it, and then lost it again.

They were sick when they were "missing", or in the first case in the hospital, though Dusk knew about that.

An animatronic does not get the flu.

They don't know if it's something harmless keeping him, like it was something harmless for them - because their situation simply does not apply to Dusk's.

So when both of their support pillars suddenly crumble and cave in, when they're suddenly all alone again? They're terrified.

They're proud, and don't quite dare pester their supervisor for more info - just "You'd tell me if he was dead, right? I work with the guy regularly, I need to know if he'll be back. When he'll be back" and only gets noncommittal answers back that they assume mean he's fine, because they would tell them if Dusk was dead, right? But they can't be sure.

And they might feel like talking to Sun about it, hear any reassurance even if they can't share much, but... His last text came super late, and was kind of stiff, and they haven't seen him for a while now, where before they used to see each other on the porch or balcony pretty regularly?

Is he... Is he avoiding them? And if yes (because man, that would fit what's happening), why? The distance came after they sent the pictures - was there something wrong with those? They took a bunch of him, and didn't ask every time, was he put off by that? But that wouldn't warrant ghosting, right? Was there something else, something they missed? A signal, a cue, did they mess up? They don't even know, and they're already in a bad headspace, so they just spiral.

Keep hoping Dusk comes back, keep hoping they'll see Sun again.

When neither happens, they reach out to the one they can reach at least, their pride finally having lost to their concern and hope and loneliness.

They got the reassurance that Sun doesn't suddenly hate them for some reason, but he's still tense and unhappy, and Dusk is still missing, so it's still just a small relief.

They start feeling better when Dusk comes back to work, and almost close to normal when he falls back into their usual pattern, and Sun greets them on the porch again when they meet. But things are off, still, somewhat, and, well...

Their boys do have a bomb to drop right back.