#did i write this instead of me myself studying for biochemistry? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

incorrectk-popquotes · 5 years ago

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I wrote a fic!

Hey guys just wanted to drop by and advertise the new seventeen one shot I wrote!! It’s a meanie college au and its very fluffy and cute!!! Please check it out!! :DD

Title: Take a Break

Summary: Finals week is just around the corner and to say Wonwoo is stressed would be an understatement. He's been grinding hard at his books for longer than is probably healthy when his concerned boyfriend steps in and forces him to take a study break.

Relationship(s): Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu

Word Count: 1985

Chapter(s): 1/1

AO3 Link

Full fic under the cut!

Finals were next week, and Wonwoo wasn’t sure when he had last gotten up from his desk. His hand was cramped from writing and his eyes ached from lack of sleep. Despite all of that, Wonwoo pressed forward, pouring over his textbooks and practice problems on his computer. To top everything off, the todo list that was stuck to his wall felt 100 miles long, and anytime he crossed one thing off three things were added.

Wonwoo distantly heard Mingyu making some sort of noise in their apartment, but he was too focused to pay much attention to it. Mingyu had been bringing Wonwoo tea and snacks while Wonwoo was studying over the past few weeks. Everytime he came in, he would lightly chide Wonwoo about overworking himself, and normally Wonwoo would allow himself a small break to calm his boyfriend’s worries. Wonwoo doesn’t remember when he last allowed himself a break.

Wonwoo stared unfocused at the biochemistry textbook that he’d been staring at for the past couple days. According to his detailed timetable and study schedule, Wonwoo should be working on calculus. Actually, according to the timetable, he should have finished biochemistry two days ago and should have done genetics, cellular biology, and have started his composition essay.

The words on the textbook page swam in front of his eyes, and when Wonwoo tried to focus on them, all he could see was his mile long todo list and his timetable that he was so far away from. The stress was making him feel crazy.

These exams needed to go well, otherwise his GPA wouldn’t look so hot, and he needed a good GPA if he expected to get into a good medical school. His parents would never look him in the eye again if he didn’t get into a good medical school. The entire world felt like it was collapsing around him.

Wonwoo reached for the mug that rested on the desk, only to find it empty. Sighing, he placed it back down and focused his attention on the textbook in front of him. Practice questions were open on his laptop, but he was getting them all wrong and he couldn’t figure out why. He hadn’t gotten a single one right since he had started doing them some amount of days ago.

Everything was going about as poorly as it could be going.

Mingyu probably knocked on the door like he usually did before he walked in, but Wonwoo was too lost in biochemistry and his daydreams of dropping out to hear him. Wonwoo startled when he felt Mingyu’s arms wrap around his shoulder in a warm hug. When Wonwoo tried to lean forward to try another problem, Mingyu rested his chin on the top of Wonwoo’s head, effectively holding him in place.

“Take a break,” Mingyu said, his voice vibrating against Wonwoo’s back. Wonwoo fought the urge to relax into Mingyu’s chest. His eyes burned from being held open for so long, but he had so much work that he needed to do. There wasn’t any time for him to sleep.

“Can’t,” Wonwoo sighed, trying to shrug Mingyu off his shoulders. It didn’t work. Actually, it didn’t work so spectacularly that he ended up reclined into Mingyu’s chest. Fantastic.

“Yes, you can,” Mingyu said. “You’ve been holed up at this desk for like 4 days straight. I’m not even sure if you’ve slept because you haven’t come to bed.” Guilt gnawed at Wonwoo’s gut for making Mingyu worry.

After a long moment Mingyu holding him and humming softly, Wonwoo finally set his pen down with a sigh. Mingyu made a triumphant noise and squeezed him tightly, planting a firm kiss on the crown on his head.

“Only for a little while though,” Wonwoo rushed as Mingyu pulled him out of his chair. Mingyu’s reply was lost as Wonwoo’s ears rang and his vision briefly blacked out. Distantly, he felt Mingyu’s arm wrap tightly around his waist, holding him upright.

“I just stood up too fast,” Wonwoo said weakly as his vision came back. Mingyu gave him an unimpressed look.

“Yeah,” Mingyu scoffed, “or four days without eating a proper meal is killing you.” Wonwoo chuckled at Mingyu’s dramatics, surely he wasn’t dying. As a premed student, he’d most likely know if he was dying. At least, that was the idea.

Mingyu led them into their cramped kitchen, arm still securely looped around Wonwoo like he was going to run and bury his nose back in his textbooks if Mingyu let go. Wonwoo wasn’t entirely sure how wrong he was for thinking that.

The moment they stepped into the kitchen, Wonwoo was assaulted with a myriad of amazing aromas. If Mingyu hadn’t been holding him up, Wonwoo’s knees would have given out beneath him.

“You… cooked?” Wonwoo wasn’t sure why he posed it as a question. The food was laid out in an impressive spread covering their kitchen counters.

“All day,” Mingyu confirmed, looking at the food proudly. “I’m surprised you didn’t notice. Normally you’re out here before it’s even done.” Mingyu chuckled weakly, still staring at the spread.

“I’ve been-”

“Busy.” Mingyu sighed, defeated. “I know.” Not able to take the guilt any longer, Wonwoo turned toward Mingyu, gently cupping his cheeks between his hands. Mingyu looked so sad, and it shattered Wonwoo’s heart. Leaning forward, Wonwoo kissed Mingu sweetly, doing everything he knew how to do to make that sadness go away.

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you,” he murmured, lips barely a breath from Mingyu’s. “Let me make it up to you.” Wonwoo felt Mingyu’s cheeks heat up beneath his hands and wasn’t able to hold back his smile any longer.

Giving Mingyu one last kiss, Wonwoo finally pulled away and looked at Mingyu properly. The sad look had mostly faded and was replaced with Mingyu shyly biting his lip and avoiding Wonwoo’s eyes. Wonwoo smiled at him fondly.

“It’s getting cold,” Mingyu muttered, gesturing vaguely toward the food. “We should eat.” Wonwoo laughed at Mingyu pushed him toward the table to sit and busied himself preparing two plates.

Wonwoo’s stomach cramped uncomfortably as he watched Mingyu fill the plates with food. So maybe not eating for so long wasn’t a smart idea, but he had been preoccupied. Mingyu set both plates down and slid into the chair across from him.

Taking a bite of food, Wonwoo couldn’t stop the moan that fell from his lips.

“This is so good, Gyu,” he said around another mouthful. “I love you so much.”

“You only say that when I do things for you,” Mingyu laughed.

“But it’s true,” Wonwoo said, stuffing another bite into his mouth. Mingyu again, the bright sound filling Wonwoo’s chest with warmth.

When Wonwoo finished his plate, Mingyu made him eat another one. He updated Wonwoo on everything that had happened since Wonwoo had begun his self-induced solitary confinement. Mingyu updated him on what their friends were up to - apparently Jihoon and Soonyoung had finally gotten together and Seungkwan and Vernon had broken up again - and also how his classes were going. Wonwoo tried on to feel envious about the fact that Mingyu’s only finals were a couple of essays and a speech.

Wonwoo cleaned the kitchen after their meal, that had always been their deal when Mingyu cooked and Wonwoo already felt awful for having worried him so much. Mingyu’s words washed over Wonwoo like the warm stream from a shower. It didn’t matter what he was saying, Wonwoo just liked to listen to the sound of his voice.

“Wonwoo?” His named snapped him out of his revine, and he looked up from the soapy sink of dishes to face Mingyu’s questioning face.

“I asked you what movie you wanted to watch tonight,” Mingyu said, watching Wonwoo with amusement.

“Movie? Mingyu, I have to get back to studying.” He’s already wasted so much time. Mingyu’s face fell briefly, before settling into a look of steely resolve.

“No,” he said, voice leaving no room for argument. Wonwoo sighed and turned back to the dishes.

“Gyu-”

“No,” Mingyu said firmly, cutting him off. “You’ve studied enough for tonight. You can take a one night break, it won’t kill you.” Wonwoo placed the last dish into the drying rack and turned to face Mingyu.

“Finals are-”

“I am aware of when finals are,” Mingyu snapped, standing up and walking over to Wonwoo. “If you keep working yourself like this, you’re gonna make yourself sick, you of all people should know that.” Wonwoo frowned at him, but before he had a chance to say anything more, Mingyu continued on.

“Just one night,” he pleaded. “It’s not gonna hurt anything. You’re still going to ace your finals.” Wonwoo’s resolve crumbled at the puppy dog eyes that Mingyu gave him.

“Just one night,” he agreed. “Then I have to study until my finals are over.” Mingyu smiled widely and Wonwoo’s heart skipped a beat. He was fairly certain that his heart stopped beating altogether when Mingyu captured his lips a tender kiss. Wonwoo melted into him, wrapping his arms loosely around Mingyu’s shoulders.

“Movie time,” Mingyu sang, pulling away and tangling their fingers together before dragging them into their living room.

The movie that Mingyu chose was some cheesy romcom that Joshua had recommended. Wonwoo wasn’t at all interested in the movie, opting instead to lay comfortably across Mingyu’s lap. Mingyu’s fingers absently carded through his hair as he stared at the screen, completely engrossed in the movie.

Before he knew it, Wonwoo’s eyes slid shut. The gentle feeling of Mingyu’s fingers, the warmth of Mingyu beside him, the soft drone of the movie, and four days of almost no sleep was the perfect combination to have him out within the first 25 minutes of the movie.

Wonwoo woke up later to soft words being whispered in his ear. The words washed over him in uncomprehending, comforting waves. Slowly, he gained awareness of his surroundings. It was quiet, the movie must have ended. Mingyu’s forehead was pressed against his.

“-love you,” Mingyu whispered, breath tickling the hairs by Wonwoo’s ear. He felt a content smile form on his face and blindly reached up to grab Mingyu’s face, pulling him down to kiss him. It was a lazy, sleepy kiss, but it was so tender Wonwoo’s heart melted all the way down to his toes.

“Love you, too,” Wonwoo mumbled sleepily against Mingyu’s lips. Mingyu huffed a laugh, leaning back a little bit and placing a gentle kiss on Wonwoo’s nose.

“Bed time,” he said softly. Wonwoo made a noise of protest, curling up on the couch and pressing his face into Mingyu’s hipbone.

“But ‘m comfy here,” he slurred, curling his hand in Mingyu’s shirt and allowing his eyes to slide shut again. He felt Mingyu chuckle above him, carding his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair once again.

“You’ll be comfier in bed,” Mingyu said, gently coaxing Wonwoo up. “I’ll carry you.” Wonwoo hummed, allowing himself to be moved and carried back to bed. Wonwoo wrapped his arms around Mingyu and pressed his face into his neck, kissing sleepily along Mingyu’s neck and exposed shoulder.

“You’re so out of it,” Mingyu chuckled. Wonwoo wanted to protest, but he knew somewhere in his brain that he was, in fact, completely out of it. The combination of not sleeping and stress was probably making him a little bit delusional, but who could really blame him.

Mingyu gently lowered him onto the bed, sliding in right after and arranging them so he was holding Wonwoo. Wonwoo sank back into Mingyu’s warmth, allowing Mingyu’s familiar scent to surround him entirely.

“See? Isn’t this comfier?” Mingyu said softly against his neck. Wonwoo hummed, not able to string together a coherent sentence. Twisting in Mingyu’s arms, Wonwoo captured Mingyu’s lips in one last sleepy kiss. All of the stress seemed to evaporate away as Wonwoo curled into Mingyu’s familiar warmth.

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butterbeeryuta · 5 years ago

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You

Inspired by Netflix original series, 'You.'

yuta x reader | stalker!yuta au | smut, thriller | 6.0 k

warning: mention of drugs, profanity, death, stalker behaviour, sex scene

Note: Sometimes, you have to do what is right. It may not be right for you, or anyone else, but hey, ethics is a tough area of study. In the end, we all have our own personal morals anyway. It’s called egoism. Believe me, I’m doing this for you. Just hang on, we’ll meet, and you will be mine.

Ah, I was waiting for you. Three twenty-four p.m. every Wednesday and Friday. For the rest of the days, you either have work at the clothing store as a sales clerk and English assistance, or at the café if their pancakes are on sale. But, today is Friday. You walked in the library rather silently if I have to say. I’ve been observing you since last year when you entered this university from a TA’s perspective. Today, you were wearing a button-up shirt tucked into your jeans, so it can be assumed that you take a business related course—maybe economics, or business studies. But, I know you don’t. You’re in your second year of university taking biochemistry hoping to be a pharmacist to help your adopted older brother, Lucas, recover from his drug addiction. You have a really caring and supportive father who will do anything for his children, and that is because he does not know about your brother’s condition. He thinks that your brother is doing fantastic studying marine biology abroad in Australia, when he is actually living with you and your roommate in Seoul still figuring who the hell he is. As per your mother, nobody knows I guess. Nobody really knows, and neither do you. But, let’s pretend I do not know that for now.

Your eyes were looking for where to sit. You looked unsure if you should sit next to Kim Eunseo, the third year student in the acting department known for vomiting on her boyfriend, or the empty spot in front of me, the teacher assistant for chemical thermodynamics. Or maybe, you want to sit beside Na Jaemin, the heartthrob freshman of Hanyang University. The boy was perfect; pretty face, honey-like voice, and takes media studies and journalism under a 50% scholarship. But, I am better. I am better for you, and not that heartthrob, and neither is your ‘small’ crush on Dong fucking Sicheng who also happens to like you. Your eyes scanned over the empty seats, and for whatever god or spirit that was listening to me, you seemed to walk over to my space. Good job, you’re taking the initiative to come near me. It’s good progress my dear.

‘Hi, Yuta right? Is it alright if I can use the socket in front of you for my iPad?’ So that was the reason. Maybe next time you will willingly sit near me because of me, and not for that device of yours. And it’s been almost two years my love, how are you still so unsure about my name?

‘Yeah, of course, here let me plug it in for you… y/n right?’ That’s good Yuta, do the same thing your loved one does. You smiled brightly in return, nodding your head in approval. You should smile more my dear, it looks wonderful on you. So much more wonderful than the sorrowful and heavy eyes you have whenever you come home when having to deal with that gigantic brother of yours from both family and school stress. But trust me, all of this pain and pressure will all be lifted once you fall into my arms. I will keep you safe and loved. Your hand reached out of your bag for the charger, the white wire coiling against your smooth skin. My dear, the things you do so innocently can mean something else for people like me. Imagine your vulnerable and frail little body tied up against the bed with a white rope, it will look so good against your skin. For a person so intelligent academically, I wonder why you have a crush on a man who just so happens to like you back. He’s such as ass acting all cute and innocent when in reality he just wants you to teach him and give your notes just so that he can pass Biology 101. Your hand, or I guess the charger, made its way to mine, our skin touching for a brief second. Our first time holding hands.

‘Thank you so much. And just for the record, I do know that your name is Yuta. You’re the TA for chemical thermodynamics. And also because that was the class I got highest in’ you added, smiling shyly as you look at your iPad, probably a digital copy of your polymer chemistry textbook. Of course you got the highest in that subject. Yes you are intelligent, highly intelligent if I have to say, but a 97% as an average may slightly be an exaggeration in comparison to your original average of a 83%.

‘Ah yes of course. 97% in chemical thermodynamics, how can I ever forget you.’ I added with a smile.

‘Surprisingly yeah. I genuinely thought material chemistry was my best, but now I guess it’s thermodynamics.’ You added. You’re not lying. Material chemistry was, and still is your best. You’re doing great in all subjects love, so you do not need to worry about that. It’s just your fucked up brother, and your insufferable crush.

‘Well you did amazingly well on your test. With a brain like yours, you would be wanted to come join the seminars for your thesis paper you’ll write in the next 2 years.’ You only smiled in return, your go-to-move when you just want to start working on your stuff. I saw that happen way too many times. For example, two years ago on the 7th of December at the café, the waiter asked for your phone number, but you only smiled and rejected in response. Last year on April 30th when you were on your trip to Jeju island with your friends, Yeeun and Sooyoung, you wanted to stay in your hotel room because you were tired, so you smiled to the girls and rejected their offer to go to beach. And what did you do instead while your friends were swimming and tanning? You masturbated while watching lesbian porn on that exact same iPad you are studying from. With that note, I let you work on whatever you had to do, while I should be checking the current materials in the lab for the lab experiment for the freshmen students. God I hate being a TA.

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It has been exactly three hours and seventeen minutes since you came, working hard on your notes as you listen to piano versions of kpop songs. You’re honestly so cute sometimes, it’s really hard to control myself and devour you. But that time shall come naturally to us one day. If not, I will ensure it will happen.

‘Hey, can I ask something?’ Are you talking to me? I looked up at the love of my life. Your eyes looking at me, very clear to me that you want something.

‘Yeah, what is it?’ Well that sounded quite rude.

‘I know that you’re a Chemistry graduate student, and as mentioned earlier, you work as a teacher assistant. I was wondering if there is a job open at the university? I do work at the clothing store, but I sorta need more income since I have to move apartments. Anyway, um, is there a job open?’ You asked. More jobs to move? What the fuck, is your roommate kicking you out? Your voice sounded so… desperate, needy, broken. You were broken.

‘Well I doubt it you can be a TA, but I’ll see if I can get you the lab technician position, or maybe the university’s official peer tutor. I’ll see what I can do.’ And there is that beautiful smile again. Obviously I will have to actually ask the professors and administrators, but they know your reputation and capabilities love. They talk about how you’re ready to go to graduate school in an instant, and how you’ll be a great asset in the research department. I promise you, your life will be perfect the moment those two men stop dragging you, especially Lucas.

‘Thank you so, so, so, much Yuta. Here, let me give you my contact for easier access…’ Good job my dear, good job.

Wine is disgusting. The amount of tannin present is so overwhelming, leaving an unpleasant taste in your mouth. I don’t know why you like it love, but here I am in a restaurant that serves multiple different types of wine. Red, white, mulled, rose—all of which I know you will greatly enjoy. I want to question why you drink this, but I know. It’s all you ever post on that nonsensical Instagram page of yours. Wine. Wine. Wine. Sometimes there’s a splash of red, or clear bubbles coming from time to time. You’re a mess, a drunken mess. Which is why I am here; I will fix everything for you. Knowing that you texted your group chat entitled as ‘vagina power’ twenty-three minutes ago that you were on the way to the restaurant, you should walk through that door in three, two, on—

‘Excuse me, is Mr. Nakamoto Yuta here?’ Your voice asked the waitress. Technology never fails, I can assure you that. There you were in your clothes from class today. You had medicinal chemistry, human physiology, organic chemistry, analytical chemistry, then ended the day with Korean—you must be exhausted my love. While you were apologising being late as you made your way to the table, all I could notice were your dark under eyes, the dullness in your eyes, and the slight oiliness on your scalp. You are overworked and internally dead. Despite my one year and a bit of research on you, what I could never answer was why you are working so damn hard and not letting one in to help you. Yes, I know that it is your goal to be this highly skilled pharmacist to help your brother, but you yourself knows that even without the excessive revising, you will still make it. Back in senior high school a guy named Kim Yugyeom asked you out, and you said no. You also said no to Park Jimin, Kim Jungwoo, Bang Chan, and even your first ever crush in Grade 11—Yoo Jeongyeon. She made you think girls were for you, but you still said no even if you two fucked in the laboratory because you didn’t ‘finish’ your experiment. Why do you always say no?

‘… thank you so much.’ You were still talking?

‘No problem at all. So, how’s university?’ Keep the conversation going Yuta, keep it going.

‘Well, it is challenging and heavy, but I guess I am doing fine. But now that I get the lab technician job, it will hopefully get better’ you say much more cheerfully, contrasting the tiredness and paleness of your face. You’re an unheard ghost.

‘Well that is how university is. But to congratulate you for your new job, we must make a toast!’ You raised your glass, and so do I, and we clinked. My, how can you not love this person. The moment I see you, all I want to do is hug you, protect you, and love you. If I can make you mine, treat you as my own, I will be the happiest man on the earth.

‘So how did you become a TA?’ You asked as you sipped your alcoholic beverage; your plush lips pressing so tightly against the rim of the glass cup and—Yuta, stop it.

‘Well, I took Chemistry only for my undergrad, and a bit of IT and languages. Then the professor, Professor Seo, asked me to be his teacher assistant initially for organic chemistry. But, I hated that subject and I ended up negotiating to change my position after a month. Then I got the chemical thermodynamics TA job. It’s honestly the exact same job, but I just prefer this topic.’ This is most likely that only truth that I have told you, and you were still listening to me for every word. A true listener with a bright mind, yet not bright enough to realise I have been watching you for more than one year.

‘Well, I think that is great. But let’s move away from academics, I just had five classes straight and I will honestly evaporate into thin air if I hear the c-word again.’ You say as you slightly chuckle. Alright then, what should we talk about? The reason to why you’re leaving your apartment? Your reason to deny people’s offer when they ask you out on a date? Why you overwork yourself to death to a point where you’re affecting yourself physically? Tell me, I need to know.

‘So you wanted to leave your current apartment right? Why’s that?’ You froze for a while. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes moving to the side. Almost unsure if you should respond to my question. You do have a point though, this is by far our first oral conversation, you barely know me.

‘I can’t afford my current apartment anymore since I kind of forced my brother to be moved to the hospital. So I need to save up more money to pay for hospital bills and the cheaper apartment.’ You quietly replied, your eyes still avoiding mine.

‘Oh no, what happened to your brother?’

‘He’s sick. Mentally ill.’ Well, at least you’re not lying to me. Though you could have said that your brother was kicked out of the University of Adelaide for failing all his classes, then he moved back to Seoul with you all high and reliant on that white powdery poison. It has been two years, and he was barely improving, and you had to move him to a hospital. Why didn’t you tell your father who loves the both of you unconditionally? It was because for that exact reason—he loves the two of you unconditionally. You knew for a fact that once your father finds out that your brother is a drug addict mess, Lucas is cut from the family, and you just could not let that happen. You two grew up together, and he used to take care of you a lot when you were in high school. He helped you drive around places, or libraries per se, and he also bought you snacks and all. He seemed to be very happy and caring back then, and you do not know what happened to him the moment he touched down in Australia.

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he gets better soon.’

‘Thank you, I hope he does too.’ The conversation is dying Yuta, quick, think of something.

‘So when are you planning to move?’

‘Oh um, maybe sometime in February or end of January. I will be getting my apartment keys in the next two weeks, so yeah, around those times.’ I better clean up my schedule during that time then.

‘Hey if you need help in moving, just let me know. I will be willing to help.’ Your eyes finally looked up to meet mine, slightly bigger than usual as the corner of your lips were about to rise. You were about to reject my offer.

‘I-I think it’s fine, I’ll be able to manage on my own—‘

‘No, no, I insist. You’re going through quite a bit, the least I can do is help you move in your stuff.’ You nodded instead, bringing your lips to a tight line. You’re considering my offer aren’t you?

‘Alright, I’ll let you know when I’m moving.’ You say as you comb your hair backwards with your fingers. I cannot wait to make you mine.

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It’s been about two months since we had our first proper conversation, and we have not stopped since.

‘You know, Ikea is the greatest thing that has ever came into existence.’ You say, carrying the big wooden compartment for your bed. Which will eventually be our bed, but I can wait.

‘Hmm, I remembered a few days ago you said ice cream was the greatest invention in human history.’ And it is arguably true. It’s comfort food, and keeps you happy from the amount of sugar stored in which makes your brain beg for more. It’s addicting yet unhealthy, but you cannot stop yourself. You crave it when you’re happy, sad, angry, stressed, tired— it’s designed for you to be beg, and beg, and be—

‘Ice cream is a great invention, I do not deny that. We should get ice cream afterwards once we’re done building this bed.’ You smiled at me, again. That beautiful and bright smile of yours can melt anyone my dear, you better be careful before you flash it to anyone else. ‘Anyway, we should go back to building this thing, I want to sleep tonight’ you added, moving your legs again to attach the next piece of the bed frame. Maybe I misread you a bit, you seem to work hard in everything. Not only in academics, but you’ve been doing your best in the lab, academically, ensuring your brother feels safe at the hospital, and even in making a goddamn bed frame for yourself. It is almost as if you barely take any breaks, and yet you do not seem to mind. Maybe you just enjoy to work hard.

‘Ice cream later is it then. Are you the type to eat those weird flavours like into mint chocolate or strawberry cheesecake, or some shit like that?’ Of course I knew what you liked. A few months ago, October the 12th to be exact, you went for ice cream with your lab partner, Sana, and you had chocolate only. You claimed yourself to be an avid chocolate lover. I honestly do not blame you for that.

‘I don’t think they’re weird or anything, but I just prefer to have plain chocolate. I just like chocolate in general. How about you?’

‘I’m more of a matcha type of guy.’ Another honest thing that came out of my mouth. You chuckled in response, nodding your head up and down just by a little. You want to say something don’t you? ‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Oh, it’s nothing too bad. It’s just very Japanese of you,’ you answered, trying to snap yourself out of a giggly state. Cute. After our small chat, we eventually set up the wooden frame, and placed the mattress on top along with placing of the beige bedsheet. I can’t believe this will be the exact same bed where we’ll have our first everything, including our children. We will have two beautiful daughters: Saya and Emiko. They will be four years apart, and both girls will be at least bilingual. They will also love and cherish the both of us. With our combined intelligence, our girls will conquer the industries, wrapping the entire world in their little, delicate fingers. We will be a perfect family of four, and this bed, the one we have just made together, will be with us until the end. Just before my mind could go somewhere else, your tired body dropped on the newly made bed, feeling the softness and the warmth provided by the material.

‘I know you’re tired too Yuta, you should lay down too,’ you say with your eyes closed, both your hands interlocking with one another just above your abdomen. From what I know, you only do this when you are really tired, thinking of all sort of different scenarios. Since you asked me to anyway, I laid down beside your exhausted body, embracing the same warmth the bed is providing. ‘You know, I’ve never really had anyone over at my place since I’m so busy and all, but I’m glad you came and helped me move’ you softly say, your eyes finally open as your orbs look directly up at the plain ceiling.

‘It’s not a problem really, you do seem tired during lessons so I figured helping you a bit can hopefully ease whatever you’re going through.’ You grinned at what I said, as if you somewhat agree. I do hope it’s true my dear. You had it tough with your brother, but I will assure you that you will become the pharmacist you deserve to be.

‘You did, Yuta. You did.’ The bed slightly shifted, only to see you on your side as you look at me, and here I am looking back at you. Without hesitation, your lips pressed against mine, something I did not expect at all. Since when were you like this? Have I misread you all this time? You rejected so many different guys and one girl, yet now you are acting to brave and different in contrast to my observations and research over the past years. Although multiple questions came across my head, this does not mean I have to stop whatever you just began.

Your warm hand made its way to my left cheek, rubbing the cheek back and forth with your thumb, almost the same gesture when you caress your loved ones. Grabbing your left leg, I pulled over my body, allowing you to sit on top of me, our bodies so close to being connected, to being united. The kiss did not break at all, in fact, it deepened. You surprisingly took the initiative to tap the velvety muscle on my bottom lip, so needy to enter the hot cavern. Maybe this is your way to ensure that you can trust me, and that somebody can love you forever. Maybe this is a process of yours to know that you will be taken care of for eternity. I deserve to be with you my love, you are everything to me, and I know I will be your everything. Your tongue eventually slipped through my lips; both our wet muscles meeting each others, exploring each others caverns for the first time. My arms were holding you tightly against my body, keeping your fragile body on top of mine—I do not want to let you go. But, how do I know that you really want this? Despite the fact that I do not want this to end, I had to pull away, just to be sure. Our mouths slowly separated with the presence of a string of wetness proving the intense session we just had. Your forehead fell against mine, your eyes clouded with lust as you pant heavily against me.

‘Do you still want to do this?’ I have to know.

‘Y-yes, please make me feel good’ you whispered against me. Fuck.

*Disclaimer: sex scene will begin from here. This will be a female x male smut scene, so if this is something you do not want to read, please scroll down until you see another disclaimer similar to this. Please keep in mind that I will write a male x male scene, so please do not feel too disappointed. I am sorry that I was not able to write it on the same day as the publication. Thank you.

Our lips reconnected again, only this time, the feeling was much more intense. I poured in all of my frustration of waiting, and the amount of love and lust I have for you my love. I flipped us over, finally seeing your sensitive and fragile body below me. You are a sight to see my dear, but only for me. I have seen the way your body trembles as your delicate fingers enter in and out of you; your legs shake uncontrollably, your free hand unconsciously slips inside your hot mouth trying to keep yourself quiet, and your beautiful face contorts in pure pleasure. I want you to do the exact same, but I want you to be louder, and I want to be the one pleasuring you. The moment our tongues touched again, I took the initiative to envelop your velvety muscle with my lips, tasting you completely, leaving you as a moaning mess under me. So you like this. I continued to do so as your hips slightly rocks back and forth, your covered sex rubbing against me. Leaving your mouth, I peppered kisses down your addictive skin, taking in the honey-like scent you had. Soft whimpers escaped your throat, clearly enjoying the amount of care and love you were receiving. You deserve this. My hands slipped under your shirt, feeling the soft and supple skin until I met your clothed breasts. Massaging the flesh against my hands, your fingers crawled up behind my neck, slowly making its way to my hair, pulling the roots so gently. My dear, you are indeed irresistible.

‘Yuta t-touch me please,’ you beg, moving your hips even rougher than before, almost as if you are trying to reach for your orgasm by yourself. I chuckled at your submissive manner, knowing exactly what to do to make you come.

‘You want to come my princess? Do you want your pretty pussy to come over my tongue? You’d like that won’t you as you beg nonstop.’ I read that on your diary, you wanted someone to go down on you and make you orgasm uncontrollably, and you want to repeat the process until you beg them to stop. My dear, you are one dirty little girl. You only whimpered in response, nodding your head vigorously. Although it would have been ideal to get a response from you, I know for a fact that the last time you got laid was five months ago with your colleague at the clothing store, Lee Minho. I hope that he is forgotten. Pulling your shirt up, I kissed down from your supple skin until I met the top of your black sweats. I slowly pulled at the strings as my eyes looked up to meet yours. There you were with your glossy and lust-filled eyes as your bite your finger, anticipating what would happen to you. Your chest was heaving up and down as I pulled at your pants, only to reveal you in your sheer white bra and panties. What a fucking sight. Pulling your legs apart, a visible wet patch was displayed, showing a clear outline of your pink lips begging to be destroyed.

‘I haven’t even touched your greedy little hole and yet you are so wet princess.’ Before you could even say anything, my tongue made contact with the soaked cloth, tasting the sweet essence as a moan of relief escaped your throat. Continuing to lick up and down against your clothed sex, your fingers made it to the roots of my hair as your slowly rock your core against my face. Your moans slowly turned louder and louder, and all I can say is, I was definitely going to implode. Allowing you to take control of me, your legs started to tremble on either side of my head as the tip of my tongue was on your covered clitoris. To further intensify the feeling, I pulled your barely existing panties to the side, sucking on your clit, tasting you properly, eating you out like a starved man.

‘Fuck!’ You screamed, legs shaking vigorously as your fingers left my hair for your lips. Without letting you rest, I grabbed both of your legs, pushing my tongue into your dripping entrance, pathetically clenching around it. What a fucking whore. Moans and sounds of me eating your core filled the room, and whoever is living beside you is surely going to know you as a slut. ‘Y-yuta shit I’m coming again,’ you moaned, your head thrown back against the pillow underneath you. Pulling the warm velvet out of your sticky cavern, I slipped in two fingers, moving in and out of you as I watch you in pure euphoria. Just like that, your legs closed and shook, screaming for the second time tonight. Taking out the fingers, I slowly made my way up to your fucked out body, only to see your lips red from the biting, as well as your teary eyes from your orgasms. I pushed the fingers through your lips, and like the good girl you are, you immediately sucked in my fingers, leaving me to imagine all the things you can do with that sweet little mouth of yours.

‘Fuck me please, god I need you in me’ you say breathing heavily, as if trying to understand how you were coping with two orgasms in one go. You said you needed me. Kissing you one more time, I finally unzipped my pants, releasing the solid member that sprung against my lower abdomen. As I removed my sweater, your eyes were staring at the red tip whereas your licked your bottom lip.

‘I’m going to enter alright,’ I whispered beside your ear, peppering feather-like kisses on your face. You froze a bit in place, though I was not exactly sure why. You did not seem to say anything, but it may be because you are finally being with the man who truly deserves you. Placing myself on your dripping hole, I looked at you one last time before anything else goes wrong, or if I miscalculated everything.

‘Just put it in Yuta, I’m on birth control, no need to worry’ you impatiently said, waiting to be filled and feel immense pleasure. Taking in your words, I slowly pushed myself in you, trying my best not to hurt you or bring you to any sort of pain. But my god, were you tight. Your velvet-like walls enclosed around my hard cock, almost impossible for me to go further in. You gasped loudly, pulling yourself closer to me as you held your hands behind my neck, feeling every once of me. ‘Oh my fucking god, I’m so full.’

I pushed myself further with one of my hands on your lower abdomen to keep you stable. ‘Shit you’re so tight, stop me if I go to harsh on—‘

‘Just fuck me Yuta, I don’t want to go gentle, please just do it.’ What?

*Disclaimer: smut scene has ended.

‘Y/n how else will I make love to you if you want to go rough on our first time?’ I asked, trying my best not to lose my temper. Why on earth do you want to go rough? Isn’t that why the reason you rejected all of those guys so that you can finally be with the one that truly deserves you, and can protect you from anything? Your eyes only grew wide at what I said, slowly pushing yourself off me.

‘Make love? Yuta, we’ve only started talking for like two months, what do you mean make love?’ You asked, successfully pushing yourself off of me, slowly pulling the blanket to cover yourself. Why are you acting like this?

‘You kissed me on your newly made bed, what else was I suppose to thi—‘

‘I was only asking for a quick fuck, not a whole love-making session Yuta. I think you should go home and rethink what you just said, I don’t think you’re in your right mind right now.’ How can you say that? I have loved you since you entered the class with, asking thought provoking questions to the professor. I have loved you since you were at the lab, working on your experiment until eight in the evening. I have loved you since you helped that customer in your shop many months ago, trying your best to communicate with the old woman in her mother tongue. You were always so patient, hard-working, and submissive— how can I not love you?

‘No! I do mean it, I do love you. How can I not? You always work so hard and made sure that you and your brother, and your academics were both in good condition. You are my dream, how can I not love you?’

‘Yuta, you’re saying the most insane shit. Please leave. What happens between me and my brother and my studies only should be limited to me, and not you’ you answered, not believing any word I said.

‘I am being normal, you’re just too busy and stubborn to believe anything I am saying! I have taken so much good care of you. I helped you get a job, I paid for all the meals and snacks we had together, I helped make your fucking bed, and you repay me by being your fuck buddy?’ You were infuriating. You were not like this when I watched you on a daily basis.

‘Well I’m sorry if you thought that I was trying to make you as my boyfriend or something, but I do not have time for that Yuta. I am truly sorry if that is what you thought, and if you do not want to see me anymore, I completely understand that—‘

‘No! You rejected Kim Yugyeom, Park Jimin, Kim Jungwoo, Bang Chan, Yoo Jeongyeon, and you do not let anyone else to love you. Is it because you’re too busy taking care of your drug addict of a brother?’ Your eyes grew wider than it already was, your mouth left agape unsure of how to react. Shit.

‘H-how do you know all of t-these things?’ Your voice was shaking, the fear on your face clearly visibly.

‘That’s not m-my point. What I am trying to say is—‘

‘Yuta, have you been stalking me?’ Yes, I have.

‘What? No, I wasn’t. You’re dodging my question again.’ Shit, Yuta. Think, think, think.

‘Then how do you know about my brother?’ You asked, fear and shock still evident on that beautiful face of yours. I made my way to her, gently cupping your face in my hand.

‘I h-heard about it from s-somewhere—‘

‘Get your hands off me! Tell me how you know all about this!’ You shouted, ripping my hands off of you. Without thinking, my hand came in contact with your skin. Loudly.

I slapped you.

A bright red mark was left on your face, eyes filled with tears, unsure if it was from the pain, or from our argument.

‘Shit, no, I didn’t mean that. Fuck, okay, y/n, let’s talk about this like adults’ I said, trying my best to diverge her thoughts away from what just happened. But I know that it will not work, you are one of the smartest people to exist, and you do not let yourself down easily like that.

‘Get the fuck out Yuta. You’re insane.’ Why are you not listening to me? I grabbed your body, leaving you to scream for help, pleading to be freed away from me— but I am not letting that happen. You are mine. I tightly wrapped my hand against your throat to make you shut up, making sure that you listen and concentrate on every word that I will say to you. You need to be disciplined love, especially if we will be together.

‘I need to know why you’re acting like this otherwise we will not be a happy couple. You are my everything, and I should be yours. I made you enter a world of euphoria with my mouth alone just a few moments ago, and you rejecting my love and pushing me away will not work. I have loved you the moment my eyes laid on you, and I need you to love me back’ I explained, watching your face slowly lose colour as your screams died down, but I do not care. You need to listen to my every word and acknowledge it. ‘You will be my partner for the rest of your life, and so will I. We will have two beautiful daughters, and you will also be able to help Lucas medically without letting your father know. But before we can do any of that, you need to be disciplined and I am here for that. Do you understand me?’

No response.

‘I said do you understand me.’

Still no response.

Your face was pale, eyes were closed, body cold. You were lifeless. Y/n, we were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to have children, have you become a pharmacist, we were supposed to be in love together. Holding your lifeless body in my arms, I rocked your bare body back and forth— you’re not dead my love, you’re just resting. Yes, you’re resting.

‘Y-you’re not dead. I was just teaching you a lesson, but you seemed to become tired. It’s okay, we’ll do it another time. I love you so so much, I will never hurt you my love. Never.’ A dark laugh left my throat as tears rolled down my face. I finally had you in my arms, finally.

a/n: WEEEEEE i wrote that???? okay umm while i’ll be too busy screaming at myself for writing THAT scene, i hope everyone enjoyed it despite the fact that mcfucking yuta was a creep, but yeAhhhH. i am honestly quite paranoid after finishing ‘you’ cause i keep thinking that someone is in the house, but not really, but yeah... the show was good though. let me know if you also watched it cause i would really like to talk about it with you. and also, HAPPY NEW YEAR! i hope ya’ll had a fun time celebrating it.

明けましておめでとうございます！今年もよろしくお願いします。今まで英語だけで話を作ったので、今年日本語でやってみたいと思います。

祝你新年快乐！万事如意也心想事成❤️

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zelkam · 3 years ago

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hey so you did like biomedicine at uni right? would you mind like talking about what you did and like what it was like/what you enjoyed because im having 2nd thoughts about what I'm doing at the moment and I was thinking about doing something similar

Hi there!! Sorry about replying late, some things got in the way – but here we go now.

As I mentioned, I got excited that I get to talk about this stuff here, because honestly I loved every moment of my studies, so this is gonna get long. But I also want to include everything that I would want somebody to tell me if I were in your place.

So the rest is going under the cut so as not to bore everyone else!

First of all - I think it's awesome that you're considering it - STEM is life.

Though I should probably start off with saying that a lot of what I got to do was heavily influenced by the format that my university handles its Biomedical Sciences course. Here biomed is kind of an experimental project - it opened a year before I started and the idea was to recruit only 30 people each year and hard-focus on them, instead of mass-producing students. All lecturers pretty much knew me as me and not as yet another student no. 44838 and because of that I was able to get a lot out of it. We were all included in actual research work very early on - usually from the 2nd year up everyone was doing something in some lab after lectures. I don't know how the university that you might be interested in handles the course design and if the labs are willing to include students in their regular work aside from teaching, so the approach and opportunities might be different.

But I think the general plan of what the regular courses cover is probably similar anyways.

Also, that being said, honestly I’ve learned the most by doing the extra work - at some point during my Master's the lectures were actually getting in the way. I got most of my experience when I joined an actual research team - at first I was obviously supervised with everything, but with time I gained the trust and could enter the lab anytime and just plan and do my work as if I was a staff member. So I kind of got to do way more than most other students were doing - but like, it’s possible if you’re determined enough.

Okay but enough with disclaimers - about the actual biomedicine course:

The general idea is to make a scientist out of you - you have medical knowledge, practical skills, and a kind of “scientific” mindset by the time you have a degree in your hand.

There are several paths that you can take after, with the main three being: staying in academia, going into biotech industry or going into clinical trials. Each path has its pros and cons - academia is fun and creative, but also an emotional rollercoaster and you usually switch workplace every 4-5 years, meanwhile clinical trials are more stable and paperwork-based and the money is great, but it’s pretty much office work. It depends on what are your career priorities. Personally I love research (and tormenting myself) so I’m staying in academia to do a PhD (actually I’m looking for the right lab literally right now, which is really A Trip)

So there are several types of courses that you would take:

First you get a foundation of medical knowledge, so you have courses pretty much the same as med students - anatomy, physiology, pathology, pharmacology, microbiology, oncology etc. but with more focus on the molecular/genetic/developmental side of things. A lot of molecular and developmental biology, stem cells and so on. While med students focus on how to treat a patient that is already in the hospital, biomed people focus more of the underlying basis of diseases - what went wrong in the first place and how to fix it - was it a novel mutation, some signaling pathway gone wrong etc.

You also have a lot of labs – in biochemistry, [non-]organic chemistry, immunology, molecular biology, embryology etc where you get to become familiar with all the techniques used in science. They’re always super fun because you get to do something with your hands.

You also have courses that are focused on conducting research. So you learn about clinical and pre-clinical trials: how they are designed, conducted, controlled etc.

You might also get official training and get certified to work in clinical trials, because there are papers that you'd need for that – depends on the uni.

Then you also learn how to analyze and write research papers, how to present your work at conferences (after 5 years you basically get rid of your fear of public speaking lmao) and so on.

Also a lot of stuff focuses on animal research - a lot of universities include animal studies training as part of the biomed course and you might be getting certified in this - at least that’s what I had. And I've been working with animal models since - mice and zebrafish, and a little bit with chicken embryos, with my main being the fish because that's what my supervisor works with.

What I actually love here is that once you go through everything, you can choose what is the most interesting to you and focus on that – so you do what you like and it starts to feel less like studying/working and more like a hobby. There are so many branches of research and at some point something catches your interest more. For example, I love molecular and developmental biology, meanwhile my friend is all about the brain stuff – and we would suffer if we had to switch. Something different for everyone!

You’d get to choose your first direction as part of your Bachelor project – basically you pick a lab that does something that interests you, do a small project there and write your thesis on it. It’s a nice opportunity to check if this is something that you’d like doing in the future for real. Then you’d do pretty much the same on your Master’s, but on a more advanced level.

But it’s also not definite – I personally jumped between like 3 different labs until I found the right one for me.

You also get opportunities to go international – there are a lot of exchange programs that would send you for a few months abroad, either to study or to work in a lab. I don’t know where you’re from so I don’t know what is possible for you, but for example last summer I ended up in Belgium to work as an intern in a research lab. Science is very internationalized in general – you work with people all over the world and you get to travel a lot between different labs!

From what I did personally:

When I first started off I went into Immunology and Hematooncology – so immune stuff and blood cancers. I did my Bachelor’s on that, in which I got DNA samples from patients and checked if they have a mutation of a certain gene and if that somehow influenced their blood morphology parameters.

Then I switched to Molecular Biology because this is the most interesting to me – specifically the molecular side of skeletal development. I joined my current research team and worked there for a few years alongside PhD students, working on several projects – with a part of it being my Master’s. My stuff focused mostly on the regulatory elements responsible for activating genes involved in the formation of joints. For example, if you’d get a mutation of a gene that I was working with, your arm would be just one long bone instead of having 3 segments. I was mostly using molecular cloning, cell cultures and zebrafish in my research, which are all hella cool. Here you have my little fish dudes:

Cute, right? 💚

Pros:

Flexibility – you get to try out everything and pick what you like the most. Biomed doesn’t really give you a specific profession, you can use your degree in a lot of different career paths.

It’s extremely cool – this is the stuff that you’d end up reading about for fun, so studying is actually pleasant in a lot of cases

A lot of practical classes and opportunities, in which you get to do experiments on your own!

Cons:

It’s not an easy-breezy degree - there is A Lot of studying! Medicine is very complex, although I would say that it’s not as memory-based as medical students have - you usually don’t have to remember drug dosages etc, it’s more about remembering “this molecule goes wrong so these tissues are affected by this so this organ fails so this disease happens” – the chain reaction stuff and connecting a lot of dots.

For some people the “flexibility” part is actually a con, because it doesn’t give you a clear career path – it’s all about what you make out of it, and it can sometimes be daunting 😅

But if you asked me in a tl;dr way – I recommend it with all my heart!! If I could do those 5 years again - I definitely would! If you have some specific questions - let me know!

#asks and answers #anon

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jungleuniversity · 4 years ago

Text

How I Improved My MCAT Score (509 -> 518)

Hi Everyone! I got back my new MCAT scores awhile ago, but I thought I’d write a post about how I achieved my score, with hope that it could potentially help another student. I know that while I was studying, a lot of the advice I saw on the internet was overwhelming and made me feel that my level of studying would always be inferior to what others were doing. The vast array of available courses, practice tests, and other services available certainly did not help either, as there is no reasonable way to complete every single resource that exists. In this post, I’ll go through a timeline of my basic study plan and explain which resources I used and why I think they are worth using.

Stage 1 - Kaplan 7 book set and other content resources

I had trouble coming up with a time frame for how long it should take to go through the Kaplan set, which is why I simply called this part the “first stage.” Many guides I have read online mention strictly separated “content review” and “practice exam” phases of studying. Personally, that would never have worked out for me because I would have gotten anxious every time I got a question wrong during the exam phase. Instead, I spent about 3-4 months simply reading and taking notes out of the books, and then doing a mixed exam and content review stage. I used each book in the following ways, especially the second time I studied:

Biochemistry - For the first half of the book I took detailed notes as if I were learning from an ordinary biochemistry textbook for a class. For the second half, I eased on the notes and started drawing out the different pathways. I think I wrote down the Electron Transport Chain pathway 10-15 times and the Citric acid cycle path about 50 times. I did not draw the shapes of compounds, but I won’t tell you not to do that either.

Biology - Same as the Biochem book. I did spend extra time on “high yield content” that's more difficult to memorize, such as actin/tropomyosin activity in muscle.

Physics - I cannot stress what I am about to say enough. The absolute most important things to know from this book are the units. If you are truly stuck on a physics (or often chemistry) question, there is a very good chance you can use dimensional analysis to force your way to the right answer in a relatively brief amount of time. If nothing else, PLEASE learn the units behind every concept.

Chemistry - Use the advice from physics, but I also took pretty heavy notes, especially in the first half, since there’s a lot of content that, despite being easier than biochemistry in my opinion, are foundational and will cause problems if you skip it.

Behavioral Sciences - This was the section that brought down my first attempt score. I found that the premed95 anki deck that’s in circulation was helpful, but it made me incredibly lazy in studying to the point where I would pretend to be productive, while just looking at slides. I was desperate not to repeat my mistakes, so I brute forced my way through the Kaplan book this time instead. I didn’t take notes the way I did for other subjects - instead I hand wrote every single bolded word and definition in a notebook, organized by chapters. This took about a week and I did not study any other subject during this time. I don’t know if I would recommend this method for Behavioral Sciences for everyone, but the truth is that after I did this, my practice section scores went from 124 to 128-130. One thing to keep in mind though, the last few sections of the Physics/Math book are absolutely critical to the Behavioral Sciences section as they are the only resource within the Kaplan set which explain the research methodologies for both Psychology and Sociology.

Organic Chemistry - I took sparse notes on this book. I think it's the least useful out of the 7 book set, and I often had to look to the internet and old organic chemistry class notes to clarify mechanisms and pathways. Nevertheless, make flashcards or write down reactions such as the Aldol condensation, which more likely than not will show up at some point.

CARS - Skip this book. In my opinion, there are better ways to study this section. Most importantly, use the CARS question packs from AAMC.

Stage 2 - CARS, Mixed Content Review and Practice Exams (2-3 weeks)

This is around when I started taking CARS much more seriously, so I would recommend starting earlier. I mainly focused on using the two AAMC question packs, although the KhanAcademy passages were also useful. The first question pack was definitely a bit more difficult and you might feel discouraged after going through half of it. However, I promise it does get better. Part of the change is that as you read explanations for why you get questions wrong, your skill will begin to improve. The other part is that the second half of the question pack, as well as most of the second question pack are more closely aligned with the difficulty level of the actual test.

This was also when I began taking NextStep full length exams. (Insert surprised Pikachu face) My first score was a 501. Definitely not expected at the time, but it was a necessary wakeup call to understand where my content gaps were.

After each exam I took from this point on, I would take the rest of the day off after taking the exam. Just relax, after taking a 7 hour exam, you deserve it tbh. The next day, go over the entire exam, question by question and take notes where you need to. I wrote very brief 1-line notes for questions I got right and understood, and more detailed notes for all incorrect questions as well as correct questions that I did not fully understand. This is important for two reasons: First, this allows you to know exactly where your content gaps are and understand how you can improve applying the concepts that you already know. Second, there’s only so many different things they can ask you on the MCAT. It might sound endless, but there are a finite number of concepts and you are bound to see very similar questions on future practice tests and also on the real MCAT. In my experience, writing down the explanation for the correct answers on missed questions ensured that I never get a similar question incorrectly in the future. Overall, next-step exams were alright, but their content felt incredibly low-yield. Now, studying low yield concepts is extremely important, but it's obviously detrimental if that's all you study.

For the next month, I would alternate between taking next-step and AAMC full lengths, with breaks in between to review my content gaps. My highest Nextstep exam was a 512, but I tended to score around 507-508. My aamc exams, in order, were 519, 517, and 515. The downward trend was concerning, but I was honestly happy since all of those scores were higher than my target at the time, 513. Also, I falsely began to think that NextStep exams were extremely deflated. (They are, but not nearly to the extent that you might think.)

Finally, the day before my first exam: I couldn’t sleep at all, and I went against common advice of not studying on this day. As for exam day, just trust yourself and the studying you have done. My main advice beyond what anyone else will tell you is to keep a close eye on the clock. Several people who tested with me lost up to 5 minutes on CARS because they forgot to take into account the time during their lunch break. Not every test center will have digital clocks, and the one I went to only had a tiny analog clock near the area they check you in. When I asked a proctor for the time, he just laughed. So make sure you look at the clock and remember the time when your break starts.

My score on the first exam turned out to be a 509. Not necessarily a bad score at all, but this score was much lower than what I was aiming for. It was disappointing, mainly due to the time I put into studying, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My behavioral sciences section severely pulled my score down, and there were a few content areas that I truly was not prepared for. I felt bad about it for about a week, and afterwards started studying again.

Stage 3: Final Preparations

Initially, I found it relatively difficult to study during the semester. One of my friends recommended I use UWorld questions to effectively use my time. This resource definitely helped me out when I felt like I simply did not have enough time to finish studying. They provide you with 1500 or so questions, categorized by section and sub categorized by topic. You can choose how many questions or passages you want to do in one sitting, and if you want it timed or not. After you finish, they provide you with personalized statistics for the session, as well as explanations for each question, which are saved and can be viewed at any time. Alongside simply rereading the Kaplan books, this is the best way to reinforce content knowledge.

The final resource I used were the Altius exams. I purchased a pack of 5 on a whim because 1) I ran out of practice tests and 2) someone on reddit said these were severely under-appreciated. Well, that gamble paid off because I believe these exams are about as close as you can get to the AAMC full lengths, BUT they give you much more detailed explanations, and are just a little bit more difficult, so you actually end up feeling like the AAMC practice exams are a bit smoother and easier to pace yourself on. After purchasing, I had one month to take all five, as well as the then-recently-released AAMC FL #4. Altius exams were great, and honestly, my only “complaint” was that CARS felt a little bit too difficult to be as useful as it could be. I also studied Behavioral Sciences and Biochemistry the way I described in Part 1, since I felt like I underperformed on those sections.

When second exam day approached, I forced myself to get a full night of sleep this, and it absolutely paid off. I was noticeably more aware during this test than my previous attempt, and corrected myself before making a bunch of silly errors.

A month later, I found out I got a 518, which was higher than my original goal.

Tl;dr:

Studying for the mcat is expensive, and it can be hard to find advice on which resources are useful.

In my opinion, only: Altius exams are amazing. UWorld is a great resource for content gaps and reinforcement, especially when you have sharp time constraints. Kaplan books are awesome for content review, but it should be fine if you buy an older edition (I used 2015).

#long post #mcat #mcat studying #medblr #studyblr #mcat advice #premed #premedblr #medical school #wild if u read this whole thing #studyspo #s post

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emilyofjane · 4 years ago

Text

Life Update (don’t worry, it’s a good one this time)

For those of you that have been following me for awhile, you might know that my personal life has been kinda...rough this year. But things have been going a lot better for me recently, and I have BIG news about my career path and my future as a whole.

But first, I need to provide some background:

As you all know, I’m a senior Biochemistry major in college, and I plan on graduating this December. Over the past year, however, I slowly began to realize that I’m...really not that good at my major. I’ve always kinda struggled in my science courses; I’ve never been able to make any higher than a B in any of my lectures, and the only labs that I earned an A in were my Capstone labs because my mentor is just really nice. When I started applying to grad school this past summer, I suddenly discovered that my major GPA (which is based only on my science courses and is separate from my overall GPA of 3.3) was well below 3.0 — too low to get accepted in any of the graduate programs I wanted to apply to.

The whole reason I became a Biochemistry major in the first place was to use it as a stepping-stone for my ultimate goal: to move on grad school and become a cancer researcher. So when I suddenly realized that I was guaranteed to be rejected from grad school no matter what, all of my plans for the future were suddenly turned upside-down. I felt like I had just wasted 4 1/2 years of my life working towards a degree that I didn’t even want; I was stuck in limbo with a mediocre undergraduate transcript that would never lead me to where I wanted to go in life. To make matters worse, I had taken out nearly $80K in student loans at this point, so I couldn’t just jump ship and switch majors, either. I was too far into my degree to turn back now, so I just felt stuck in a career path that I wasn’t even good at, let alone enjoyed.

My confidence took a nose dive after that, as did my motivation. It made me feel so incompetent to see everyone else breezing through my senior-level science courses while I struggled to get a C, that by the time my last semester started this fall, I sort of just...stopped trying. I didn’t see the point in putting in my best effort when I knew it was never going to be good enough anyway. I hit my lowest point in October, when I couldn’t even bring myself to log onto my Zoom lectures or pull up the slides to study. My grades plummeted beyond the point of salvaging, but when I finally broke down and told my mother about it, she refused to let me get a full medical withdrawal, basically forcing me to fail all of my classes and drop my already low GPA into oblivion. I truly felt like the world had set me up for failure, and that my entire future was ruined.

But then, as I was crying in bed and silently cursing out my mom for refusing to help me, I suddenly had an epiphany.

I’ve always loved to write and create, ever since I was a little kid. I remember writing stories in my notebooks in elementary school, which blossomed into writing short stories on Neopets, roleplaying and collab writing with my Deviantart mutuals in middle school, and eventually writing fanfiction on Tumblr and AO3. For the past few years, my catchphrase has always been “in a perfect world, I would’ve become a screenwriter instead of a scientist” because writing was my true passion, but my parents wanted me to pursue a practical career instead. You see, my parents are both business people, and their philosophy has always been “you have to make sacrifices to yourself and your family.” And I’ve always been a pretty smart kid — not a god-given genius like they thought I was when I was younger, but still very bright — and I’ve always thought that science was neat, particularly astronomy. That’s why I ultimately went into science instead of art; my parents convinced me that I could never make a living doing what I loved, and that I should become a scientist so I could support myself and my future family instead of “wasting my intelligence” on becoming a “starving artist.”

But if there’s one thing that they never took into account, it’s that I’m not like them. I’ve never really cared about money or material things in general — all I really need is food, caffeine, a roof over my head, a nice soft bed, my cat, and some wi-fi access, and I’m happy as a clam. I don’t care about going on regular vacations, or living in a fancy house with a pool in the back, or having a wardrobe full of cute and fancy clothes, or driving a nice car without bumps and scratches, or whatever the case may be; they never took into account that I don’t need any of that stuff to be happy, and I never have. And, even moreso, they never took into account that I’m not straight. They pushed the heteronormative narrative on me for so many years — that I was practically guaranteed to find my soulmate in college and get married and have kids or whatever — that I honestly believed them; it wasn’t until I actually got to college and discovered that I was aroace that I began to think otherwise. By my Junior year, I knew that I was never going to get married or have a family of my own, and frankly, I was perfectly okay with that. Besides, quarantine alone has been living proof that I’m perfectly content with living as a hermit by myself with my cat. Add these two factors together, and it becomes increasingly obvious that money is never going to be an issue with me; as long as I can pay the bills and support myself and my cat, that’s all I’ll ever need.

I realized all of this as I was sitting there in my bed, and it was at this point when I finally asked myself: did I really want to spend the rest of my life doing something that only made me miserable?

Once I realized this, something changed inside of me. I decided that I didn’t want to pursue science anymore, and I wanted to pursue my real dream of becoming a screenwriter in LA. And the very next morning, I marched straight to campus and met with every person I could think of to make it happen.

Now I’m planning to graduate with a Regents Bachelor of Arts in December, and I managed to drop all of those science courses I was failing in while keeping enough credits to maintain my student status. I haven’t reached the finish line yet — hell, I’ve literally just gotten started — but the important thing is that I got started. I finally feel like I have control over my own life again, and this is honestly the happiest and most optimistic I’ve felt about myself and my future in years.

Tl;dr I’ll always love and appreciate science, but I finally realize that I was never meant to be a scientist. My true calling is to be a writer, and that’s exactly what I’m going to be. I’m going to graduate with my Regents Bachelor of Arts this December, build up my resume and portfolio, save up enough money to move to California, and become a screenwriter for TV and movies in LA. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to happen right away, but I’m not going to let that stop me from following my dreams — no, never again.

#ramblings #personal shit

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evalinkatrineberg · 5 years ago

Text

Unexpected

A/N: Yet another RP with @arin-schreave :)

Life had gone back to normal for the most part since I had left Clemence’s room four nights ago. I had settled back into my routine as if nothing had happened. Wake up early, run, shower, breakfast, read, lunch, study, dinner, relax - wash, rinse, repeat. The monotony of it all was kind of comforting. It wasn’t that I hadn’t enjoyed the ever-changing atmosphere of the palace at all since getting here, but there was a familiarity about having time to myself, to get done what I needed to do. To think.

I had a good bit of thinking to do, and yet, here I was, procrastinating on thinking by working on some summer readings for my fall classes. I had gotten the go-ahead from all of the professors of the classes I had planned on taking to complete their classes online for as long as I was away. The only issue that had arisen was the laboratory portion of my biochemistry class, but the professor had informed me that she was going to reach out to Proctor and see if she could get the lab work I had done under Proctor’s supervision to count for the lab work I was missing out on while I was here. I had thanked my professor profusely for offering to do so, though I didn’t have high hopes that she would succeed. I hadn’t spoken to Proctor since leaving, hadn’t even heard her name since my last phone call with Lukas, but from what I had gathered, she was still rather unhappy with my decision to come here, as well as my decision not to assist her in reaching her non-academic pursuits.

That was one of the things I was trying not to think about. The other was the proposal that each of the Selected were going to have to submit by the end of the week. I had a topic, thanks to my conversations with Itzel and Safiya in the gardens not too long ago, but I wasn’t content with the feasibility of my proposed plan yet. I would’ve felt more comfortable if I could somehow have gotten access to the royal budget, just to see the numbers, but there was no way that was happening. It was for good reason, but at the same time, it was a mild inconvenience. I didn’t want to look like a fool if there weren’t nearly enough funds for my proposal. There was also the fact that I wasn’t sure my proposal was nearly as impactful as it could be. Again, having access to official numbers would have helped me to conceptualize it a bit, but I’d have to go without, I was afraid.

I put down the black pen I had been using, switching to an indigo color to signify a different carboxyl group in my notes as the next song started to play through my earbuds. The light, airy tones of a violin floated through my ears as I finished writing, looking down at the page in front of me. I took great pride in my notes. They were like an art form for me - a way to express myself and organize my thoughts on one neat, lined sheet of paper. My siblings had always joked that I could sell my notes for money, and maybe they had a point - the extra money would also certainly help fuel my caffeine addiction, I was sure - but I didn’t plan on ever following through with it. They were my notes, after all. I was the one who had put in the time and effort. Yet, it was nice to know that other people saw and appreciated that.

I smiled down at my notebook, satisfied at the quality of my work so far today, before sitting up and twisting in my chair, cracking my back. Only fifteen more pages to go by the end of the week! Done with stretching, I reached over for my water bottle, finally looking at the library around me as I took a sip. It was empty, for the most part. The majority of the people living here must have decided to take advantage of the nice weather and spend some time outside. I couldn’t blame them, but I had work to get done, and the peace and quiet was a welcome change.

My eyes narrowed as I looked to my right. I wasn’t alone, after all. There was Arin, emerging from the stacks with a book in hand. His footsteps were light - almost silent - as he walked towards the door, like he didn’t want to be seen.

I frowned. Would it be worth it to say anything? What good would come of it? If he didn’t want to be bothered, me saying anything would likely just put him in a bad mood, and yet, that possibility in and of itself sounded kind of entertaining to me. He had made it pretty clear when we had last spoken that he didn’t want us Selected girls here, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy myself while I was here.

I took out one earbud, intent on keeping my voice quiet, as we were in a library, after all. “Hello.”

His shoulders tensed up at the sound of my voice, despite my low volume. Did he think someone was going to attack him in the library, or something? Why would a potential attacker even greet him to begin with? Any good assassin would stab first and ask questions later, in my opinion. It only seemed rational.

His shoulders fell as he looked over his shoulder and caught sight of me. “Hi, Evalin.”

His startled expression set me laughing for a brief moment. I’d never seen him caught off guard like this, even when I had literally collided with him in the hallway. It was kind of refreshing, actually - like it made him more human, somehow.

Composing myself once again, I paused my music and took out my remaining earbud, gesturing with my free hand towards the book he was holding. “Doing some light reading?”

He paused for a moment, sizing me up with his eyes, as if he was debating whether or not to respond. I had to admit, that stung a little bit. After a few seconds, though, he lifted the book he was holding, waving it through the air in a small motion. “A bit.”

“Anything in particular?” I put one of my pens in the spine of my textbook, which was sitting open on the table, to mark the page. I could come back to biochemistry later, I supposed. Turning to face him, I swung my legs towards the side of my chair, crossing my left leg over my right.

He hesitated for a second, but then took a few steps towards me. Why was he acting so cautiously? Is he afraid of me? The thought almost had me laughing again, but maybe I was on to something. I could understand if he might think that I was upset over what he had disclosed to me in the hallway when we had last seen each other.

That was one of the other things I had been trying not to think about.

“Systems of Necessary Authority and Power by Ian Mondeli,” he answered, glancing down at the book in his hands.

“Ah, I see,” I replied, nodding slowly and pursing my lips. The name of the book was familiar, though I was certain I had never read it. It sounded like something off of the syllabus of a political science course, but I had never taken one, so I didn’t know for certain. Sure, we had to take two social science classes as a general education requirement at my university, but I had elected to fulfill that requirement with history courses. History was almost straight memorization, which I could do well. Plus, it was more interesting to me than most other social sciences, and didn’t encourage the same level of introspection as a course like psychology.

Still, maybe I could use this as a talking point. I had been telling the truth when I had told Arin that I would like to get to know him better. “Are you a fan of nonfiction, then?”

He nodded slowly, taking a few more steps towards the table. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Me too,” I responded with a sheepish smile. I enjoyed some fiction, sure, but even as a kid, I would beg my father to buy me books about topics such as dinosaurs or marine animals, instead of just reading one of the many fiction novels my siblings had offered me. Political science was quite different from dinosaurs, though, I mused as I glanced back at my notebook for a moment. Maybe he did have an interest in other topics, though. The only way to find out was to ask. “Though I assume you tend to stick to the social sciences?” I looked up at him, inclining my head slightly to the right, bracing my right arm on the back of my wooden chair.

“It depends. It’s good to know about different subjects.” He set the book on the table, taking care to make sure that it didn’t make any noise, and that the edge of the book was perfectly lined with up with the edge of the table. It was oddly particular. So he likes things done a certain way, then. Maybe.

The fact that he had other interests outside of political science and its related fields shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. He was human, after all. It was only natural for him to have a wide variety of interests and hobbies. However, every time I had inquired as to what his other interests might be, he had brushed me off. I hummed thoughtfully, looking at the book and wondering if this might be my chance to finally get to know something more about what he was interested in. I turned my gaze upwards, meeting his eyes once again. “Such as?”

He shrugged. “Anything. Everything.”

Okay, so, my mission had been unsuccessful after all.

I rolled my eyes at his non-answer, still smiling at him, though. Maybe a joke would work, then. “Mm, somehow, I have a hard time picturing you reading about math.” I picked up one of my other pens, tapping it lightly against my chin as I attempted to imagine him reading Fermat’s Last Theorem. The mental image fizzled out before it ever focused, though, like even my subconscious knew there was no way it would happen.

“Well, it’s a graduation requirement at all schools, so…” he trailed off, rocking back and forth on his heels.

So he actually did his assigned readings, then. I raised my eyebrows at him, before I realized that him doing the readings for classes made a good deal of sense, assuming he did actually enjoy reading nonfiction. Course syllabi must be like a free list of book recommendations to him, then.

“True, but most math classes tend to focus on problem solving instead of theory. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course! It’s a useful skill.” And problem sets are more fun than memorizing theories, anyway. My eyes were drawn once again to the book he had set down on the table, and my curiosity got the better of me. “Dare I ask what that’s about?”

He hesitated once again, looking down at the book as he answered. “It’s about the caste system.”

Ah, so maybe that was why he hadn’t wanted to be seen then. What was he doing reading about the caste system, anyway? Proctor’s parting comments to me nagged at the back of my mind, but I tried my best to mute them, raising my eyebrows a bit at him. “Oh, neat!”

I probably sounded way too intrigued for my own good. I was tempted to explain myself, but I nixed the idea, deciding it was better to stay quiet. How many times had my mouth gotten me into awkward conversations since I had been here? I had lost count.

He didn’t seem to notice or care, though, simply nodding as he shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing over at my books. “What are you reading?”

Ah, that. I laughed once lightly, my head angled down as my eyes peered upwards at him. “My biochem textbook.” God, it sounded so lame. Who read textbooks - besides me, apparently? “Pretty dry content, I’m afraid.” I bit my lip, more curious as to why he was reading out the caste system than I was willing to explain glycolysis to him. My own curiosity began to mingle with Proctor’s words in my mind, but still I kept my mouth shut. It was too dangerous of a topic. I shouldn’t.

“Ah, well, you’ve got me there.” He nodded again, a slight frown forming on his face as he continued to look at the textbook.

I nodded once. I couldn’t take the awkwardness of this conversation anymore. If it was going to be tense, I might was well make sure my own yearning to know more was satisfied, for the sake of me being able to sleep at night without the questions lingering in my mind. I gestured towards his book, asking, “So, what made you choose that book in particular?” An innocent question. Nothing more. Nothing treasonous about it. Yet, I could feel my heartbeat picking up.

His gaze shifted from my book to his as he considered my question for a moment. “The author has some very interesting opinions - but I’ve read it already.”

“Interesting,” I mumbled under my breath, furrowing my brows as I studied the cover of the book again, making a mental note to look into reading it at some point. It looked pretty innocuous - plain cover, typical fancy lettering - and yet the book seemed to give off a sinister air. I had to be imagining it.

I looked back up at him again, smiling. “It’s nice to re-read books sometimes - to look at them again with a different perspective.”

“Yeah, it can be,” he answered with a nod, watching me for a moment before looking away.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that, Arin.

I followed his gaze, narrowing my eyes slightly as I turned my head. I had been expecting to see someone else coming our way, or at the very least, something of interest, but the library appeared to be empty, besides the two of us. What was he looking at then?

I felt his stare on me once again, and looked back at him in time to see him blink once. Right, it’s my turn to speak. “So,” I began in a ploy to buy myself some time to think of something to say, of what direction to take this conversation in. Clearing my throat, I considered my options. The caste system or biochem appeared to be my only two choices, judging off of what was on the table. Biochem was familiar to me. I didn’t need to hear his opinion on that. I brushed my hand over my notebook and looked back up at him, my mind made up. What was life without a little risk, anyway?

Less stressful.

“Do you ever wonder why the caste system formed in Illea, but not in other countries?” Was this too far? No, calm down! I looked down and shook my head, as if I could knock my fear right out of my brain. It was clearly something he was interested in, which should make it fair game. “I mean, maybe it’s only crossed my mind because my grandparents are from Swendway, and they’ve never really understood it, but…” I trailed off, unsure of where I had even planned on going with this.

He sighed, and immediately something in my chest fell. Maybe he hadn’t been that interested in it after all. However, he then came around to the edge of the table, leaning back on it as if he wanted to take a seat without fully sitting down. Looking down at me, he stated, “It’s a complicated issue.”

“Right.” Was he talking down to me? Bold of him to assume that I was incapable of wrapping my head around anything that wasn’t a science. I avoided social sciences and humanities because other topics interested me more, not because I couldn’t comprehend them. I looked up at him, tapping my pen against my chin again one more time. “I’ve gathered that much from the history courses I’ve taken.”

His head tilted towards the side as he watched me, considering what I had just said to him. “And what did they teach you? Other than that it’s complicated.”

I looked to the side, trying to dredge up as many details as I could from my memory before looking at him again. “I know it started after the first war with New Asia.” I could remember nothing after that, though, and not because I had forgotten it - I was sure of that much. I frowned. “Professors never really explained much beyond that. They were always pretty vague about it. To be honest, I don’t even know how my grandparents were -” I searched for the right word “- assigned, I suppose, their caste when they immigrated here. I would assume it was based on occupation, but…” I didn’t want to finish my sentence. Maybe he had been right - not in talking down to me, but in recognizing that this really was something I knew very little about.

Maybe I should’ve listened to Proctor a little more closely.

The thought sent chills down my spine.

He raised his eyebrows at me, unfazed by any visceral reaction I may have had to my own thoughts. “Well, we have a lot of good history books in here.”

I hesitated for a moment. Between him and Reggie, I might just have hit the book recommendation jackpot. “Can you recommend a few?”

He peered over at my textbook as he nodded. “If you want.”

“That would be great thank you. Of the social sciences, history was always my favorite.” I was still looking at him, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention at all, completely enamored by whatever had caught his attention in my textbook. Surely he wasn’t that interested in protein synthesis.

He nodded once more at my words, squinting at the small font of my textbook. Was that genuine curiosity I saw on his face? I followed his line of sight, trying to figure out what part, in particular, he was reading. Did he find my biochem textbook more interesting than me? I wanted to laugh, but I cleared my throat instead. “If you want, the notes I’ve taken might make more sense than the book itself.” I gestured to my notebook, my color-coded molecule drawings seeming to smile back at me, surrounded by little blurbs of text with the necessary facts and formulas, any words that required definitions highlighted.

“I’d…” he paused, looking at me and frowning a little, “appreciate that.”

Well, it was something. I pushed my notebook in his direction, offering him a small smile as I did. This was certainly not how I had ever pictured my note-taking skills coming in handy. My siblings were going to have a field day with this one.

He picked it up gingerly, as if it might break under his touch. Good. I had worked hard on those notes. He had better not wreck them. I watched as he began to read, a look of genuine interest plastered on his face. We sat like that for a few minutes, him flipping through the pages and me just watching him do so, until he eventually paused on one. Turning the page to face me, he pointed to one of the drawings and asked, “What does this mean?”

Well, this was my time to shine! I took a quick glance at the diagram he had pointed to, my smile growing immediately. “Oh, okay, so that parts about DNA mutations! This is actually related to what I used to work on in the lab.” This could not be more perfect! I began to explain each diagram, pointing to them one-by-one in turn. “That first one is insertion or deletion, which is basically when one or more nucleotides are added or subtracted within a sequence of dna. The second one is point mutation, which is one when nucleotide is changed - like if an adenine turned into a thymine. The third is translocation, which is the movement of one segment of dna from one chromosome to another. That last one at the bottom of the page is inversion, which is essentially just a 180 degree flip of the DNA, so it’s basically reversed to what it was originally.”

He blinked, and I could see through his eyes that the wheels within his brain were turning in overdrive as he tried to process what I had just said. “You’re really smart.”

I looked down at the table, my face turning red as I tried to keep myself from laughing at his oh-so-intelligent response. Fidgeting with my hands in my lap, I waited until I was sure I could speak without snickering, and then looked up again, offering him a smile. “Thank you.”

He turned back to my notebook, continuing to read through the pages. I couldn’t help but wonder what in particular he found so interesting. He seemed a tad confused by the science, so was it the notes themselves then? Did he like my handwriting, or maybe the care I put into each page of notes? My organizational skills were definitely on good display, at the moment. Maybe he was impressed with that. God, I wished I could read his mind as I peered over at each page he scanned over, my focus alternating between that and his face, searching for any sign of recognition or questioning.

“Aren’t you usually the one who asks me why I’m staring?” Ah, crap, he had caught me. He was looking right at me, in fact.

“Yes, I am.” I let out a breathy laugh, feeling the tips of my ears turn red. “I’m just a little surprised that you’re interested in this, is all.”

“Why's that?” There was no malice in his words or face, just genuine curiosity.

I frowned as I considered his question. “I guess it’s just never come up before. Plus, most people I try to explain this to tend to blank out once I start talking - you know -” I began to gesture with my hands as I spoke “- the whole, blank face, glazed-over eyes look.” I laughed lightly, even though the more I thought about it, the more upsetting the truth became to me. Most people just didn’t care to hear what I had to say on the topic. With people outside of my major, the complaint was that I was showing off, or that I made no sense. When dealing with other biology students, I found that I was very rarely taken seriously, or had to justify every thought and idea I voiced aloud, and at that point, everybody had already moved on to some other task.

He ran his fingers over a line of words I had written. The gesture felt intimate somehow, and had my stomach doing cartwheels, as if he was touching my arm or something, instead of only my notebook. Why? “And did I do that?”

“No, not at all.”

He blinked, his eyes widening for a fragment of a second. “Well then, maybe I'm not as bad at acting as everyone said, because I didn't understand a word.”

Oh. Ouch.

I laughed it off, trying to rationalize what I had seen from him with what he had felt. “Understanding and listening with interest are two different things, and the fact that you didn’t understand probably reflects more on my poor teaching skills than anything else.”

“Evalin.” I could’ve sworn my name was accompanied with a sigh. He looked over at his book, and then back at me.

I looked right back at him. “Yes?”

He opened his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue, when my notebook slipped out from his hands, tumbling across the floor.

“Smooth,” I teased, laughing at him as I stood up. Within the span of a few seconds, I had walked over to it and picked it up, my eyes on his as I made the walk back to my chair. “You were saying?”

“Thank you,” was all he said as he took the notebook from my hands. Not done with it yet, then. Interesting. Before I could retake my seat, he added, “You didn’t do a bad job.”

“Oh.” The corners of my lips tugged upwards in a small smile. That was oddly nice of him to say. My thoughts lingered on it as I smoothed out my dress beneath me, taking my seat again and recrossing my legs before looking back up at him. “Thank you.”

He stared at me again, his expression similar to the one that had frustrated me with its elusive meaning every other time we had interacted, but there was a little something more to this one. It was as if he was seeing me for the first time - all of me. It was like I was finally more than just an unwanted guest in his home, more than just some girl invited here for the sake of tradition, from his point of view. I followed his eyes as they moved from my hair, to my own eyes, and then down towards something a little lower on my face.

My lips? Oh, God.

Suddenly I was fifteen years old again, sneaking my brother Gabriel’s friend out to our backyard, leading him behind the oak tree by the shed, and asking him to kiss me. He had been my first kiss. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but it really hadn’t been a very good kiss. It had been sloppy, and rushed, but absolutely exhilarating at the same time. It was a part of my teenage years that I’d always looked back on with nostalgia.

I was eighteen years old again, attending my first college party, a little tipsy for the first time ever, the warm August air mingling with the heat of the bodies around me. June and I had moved to the back deck of the house, an empty beer bottle in her hand. A few people followed us, including a few rather attractive boys. I spun the bottle. I lost track of how many times I had kissed and been kissed that night, more drunk off the rush of someone else’s lips on mine than on actual alcoholic beverages.

I was nineteen years old again, at a Christmas party in the lab. Lukas and I had walked in together, as we almost always did. Someone had hung a piece of mistletoe over the doorway - a trap laid just for us, I was almost entirely certain. “Kiss!” they all yelled at us. Lukas had shrugged, his eyes fixed only on my lips as he had closed the distance between us faster than I could even think. I had allowed him a little peck on the lips before I had jerked away. I had felt nothing, except embarrassment. It had meant nothing to me. I had never told anybody about it.

I was twenty years old, and the prince of Illea was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me.

I tilted my head slightly to the side, smiling back at him. Maybe I was overthinking this. Maybe I wasn’t. Either way, I couldn’t get enough of the way he was looking at me. I wanted to capture this image in my mind like a photograph and hold on to it forever, a memory in a shoebox that my grandkids would find one day.

I stared into his eyes. “What is it?”

His expression didn’t change in the slightest. “What’s what?”

So we were playing this game again. I leaned forwards a bit, placing my arms on the table. “Nothing,” I answered, shaking my head, my smile growing every so slightly. Maybe I had been imagining it, but I still wasn’t so sure of that.

“You’re staring at me.”

Indeed. I raised an eyebrow at him, retorting, “You’re staring at me, too.”

“Am I?”

Very much so. “You are,” I informed him, chuckling lightly and nodding once.

“You don’t seem annoyed by it this time,” he mused, his eyes still on my face.

I had to laugh a little at that. “A very astute observation. Are you bothered by it?”

“Hmm?” He moved a little closer, clearly at least a little spaced out.

He was staring at my lips again.

“You’re hopeless,” I informed him, chuckling. Clemence had been right when she’d said as much, but I didn’t think she had quite pictured this scenario when she had called Arin hopeless.

“About?” His eyes met mine again.

Now I was the one looking at his lips, my one-track mind useless as all of my brain power was channeled into imagining what it might be like to kiss him. I had a gut feeling he’d be a good kisser. Maybe it was instinct, maybe it was the look of his lips, or maybe it was my own naivety that led me to believe that - I didn’t care. I had to conduct an experiment to draw a conclusion on the matter, if he would let me.

I laughed, meeting his eyes again. “Are you going to make your move, or are we just going to sit here?”

His eyes went wide at that, his mouth fluttering open and closed like a fish out of water. “Evalin, I -” He didn’t finish the thought. Fuck, maybe I had read the situation wrong.

I raised an eyebrow at him, still smiling. All my doubts dissipated as he leaned in closer, keeping his eyes on mine for only a moment before looking at my mouth once again. The anticipation was killing me, but I refused to be the one to make the first move. I had to know that he wanted to do this, to kiss me, not just to be kissed by the first girl he had happened to run into. God, did I want him to kiss me, though. I leaned in a bit, my eyes focusing only on his mouth as the distance between us shrunk with each passing heartbeat. So close. So fricking close.

He finally closed the distance, leaning down and planting his lips on mine as he placed one of his hands on the back of my head, the other still braced against the table. His lips were just as soft as I had imagined them to be. The realization filled me with no small amount of satisfaction, but that was washed away as I closed my eyes, kissing him back, moving my hands to his shoulders, my fingers resting against his back. My mind shut down, my body going on autopilot for moments that seemed to last an eternity in the best way possible.

He pulled away first, lingering for a few seconds before leaning back a bit. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me breathlessly, a smile growing on my own face as I watched him in return. I knew my own breathing was a little heavier than normal, but I didn’t care. That - that kiss - had been amazing, indescribable, really. It had left me at a complete loss for words, my mind still empty as we held each other’s gazes.

This. This had been what I hoped for when I had filled out the application for the Selection.

I had never been more glad that I had.

He leaned back a little further, opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t yet form the words. “I-”

I exhaled lightly, my smile only growing. “Yeah.”

We sat like that for a few more minutes, simply drinking in the sight of each other, attempting to reboot our own brains and form a coherent sentence. I had never been great with words, but they had never been this elusive, either.

I leaned back now, the gears in my brain turning once more. “I, uh…” I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.

“I should have asked,” he stated with a frown, leaning back even more.

I wanted to agree, but I had also clearly invited him to kiss me. Or at least, I had thought I was pretty clear. I shook my head. “No, it…” He’s right, though. He should have asked. “Don’t worry. Sorry if I didn’t make it clear enough that I was okay with it.”

“Don't apologize.” Right, we had talked about that a few night ago. Now it was his turn to shake his head.

“Right, well…” I trailed off, narrowing my eyes at him as I tried to find the right words. “Don’t you apologize either, then. No apologies are warranted in this situation.” I let out a single laugh, my eyes searching his face for any clue as to what he might be thinking. Did he not enjoy it?

He kept his eyes on me for only a brief moment longer, and then pushed himself off the table, bending over to pick something up. Oh, we must have knocked something over when we were kissing. That was only mildly embarrassing. At least there was nobody else here. When he stood up, he had my notebook in his hand, which he held out in my direction wordlessly.

“Oh.” My cheeks were flushed red at this point, and a nervous laugh accompanied my words. “Thank you.”

“Here you go.”

A little late to the draw there, Arin.

“Right, thanks.” My fingertips brushed against the bare skin of his hands as I grabbed my notebook back from him, my cheeks flaring red again as I slowly pulled my arms back, pulling my notebook into my chest. What to say in a moment like this? “So, uh,” I tried, clearing my throat, “that happened. Nice.” Another nervous laugh escaped my lips before I added, “Um, we could do it again, sometime - if you want to, of course.” The words left my mouth in one rapid-fire jumble, a succession of waves quickly crashing over each other as they raced to leave my mouth.

Earth to Evalin! Get your shit together!

He looked lost in thought, but he nodded. “Yeah, sure.” He began looking around then, though for what, I had no clue.

I couldn’t control my face from falling. Had it been that bad, for him? I didn’t think that was possible. Worse, if he didn’t realize where he was, was it because he was picturing someone else, in another place, when he had kissed me? What had I done?

“Right, well,” I began, fidgeting with my hands in my lap as I looked down at the table, “I uh, didn’t mean to keep you from your reading. Though, this was a very welcome study break.”

“Evalin?”

So, he knew who I was then, at least. That was good.

I looked up at him, a small close lipped smile on my face. “Mhmm?”

His smile was nothing short of shy as he said, “Thank you.”

I blinked. “You’re welcome?” I had never been thanked for kissing somebody before. That must be a good sign, right?

He quickly stood up then, straightening his tie and walking around to the other side of the table. I followed suit, gathering up my own books and pulling my backpack out from under my chair. How many times had I run into Arin when I had this backpack on me now? Twice? Once was random, twice was a coincidence. Were we aiming for a third? I kind of hoped so.

“That was nice,” I said earnestly, looking up at him as I zipped my backpack. Then, pushing in my chair, I decided to go for it. “So, see you around, I guess?”

He nodded. “I’ll see you around.” He walked towards the door of the library then, pausing in the doorway to give me one more nod, before exiting completely.

A few seconds later, I left as well, my thoughts still an incomprehensible, garbled mess of emotions and exclamations. Had that actually happened? I must be dreaming. Yet, if I wasn’t…

This might have just been my best day here so far.

#selectionoc

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bme-girl · 4 years ago

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University asks

from this blog

How far along are you in your studies? About to start the 4th/5th year of my undergrad program. So close, yet so far lol

How far do you plan on pursuing academia? I want to get my PhD and maybe I’ll do some post-doc work after that?

What made you want to attend university? My mom wasn’t able to attend in her home country and my dad got his Bachelor’s on his dad’s GI Bill. They allowed me to see how there are some limits without it and how education in this country is your ticket to money and living comfortably.

What do you study? Biomedical Engineering + Chemical/Biological Engineering

What do you wish to accomplish by studying at university? The end goal is to contribute to the knowledge in the field and have an impact on the community by inspiring underrepresented youth like me

What do you want to do with your degree? Be a researcher and teach in some capacity

What’s your dream job? Being a researcher and influencer for Latinx youth in STEM

Has university been what you expected it to be? Tbh, I don’t think so even though I didn’t really know what to expect. I’ve learned SO much along the way that no one had the knowledge to tell me when before uni

What’s the most important thing you have learned about yourself at university? That I’m strong af, I can do whatever I want to in life–literally. And not to compare yourself to others

What surprised you the most about university? The types of friends I made, people I met, and places I went bc of opportunities through uni

What classes are you taking this/next semester? For fall 2020, I am taking Chemical Engineering Design 1 (not truly a design class. more like ethics, safety, etc.), Transport Phenomena in Biomedical Eng, Separation Processes, Biochemistry, and an Independent Study.

What has been the most interesting class you’ve taken? This past semester I took a biomedical eng project-based course and it was LIT af, very challenging but projects were super realistic and interesting

What has been your favourite class you’ve taken? Same course as 12^ like it made me realize my true style of learning and working and it was difficult but so so cool

What is your favourite professor like? Haha, same prof as 12 & 13^^ he was laid back, challenging, young and tech-savvy. More than anything, he was there if you just needed someone to talk to. He didn’t ‘bend’ rules but he knew what it’s like to be a student with limited resources and no super-human abilities. Just a cool guy I’d grab a drink with

If you have to write a thesis, what are you going to write it on? I will have to provide a written report for the independent study so I’m gonna ask if it can be like a thesis. It’ll probs be on something like improving multi-modal neuroimaging data fusion using machine learning

What is your weird academic niche? I’m not really sure. Sometimes I feel like I am my own niche? Lmao. I don’t really know how to answer this tbh

What’s your favourite thing about academia? That honesty and integrity are highly valued and people just like wondering about things on a deeper level and bigger scale and have conversations about it

What’s your least favourite thing about academia? That it’s toxic: not as diverse, kinda bureaucratic, research matters more than ability to teach (in the US)

Would you go to a different university if you had to choose again? Yes and no: instead of going to a different uni then transferring to where I am now, I would 100% just have gone to the one I’m at now in the first place

Would you choose a different subject if you had to choose again? I don’t think so

If you couldn’t study the subject you study now, what would you study? Software Engineering or Comp Sci

What is your favourite course style? More applied learning, like projects. Not as exam heavy.

Theoretical or practical? AHHH! Both

Best book you’ve had to read for a course? Numerical Methods in MATLAB for Engineers

Worst book you’ve had to read for a course? Molecular Physical Chemistry for Engineers by Yates and Johnson OMFG LITERAL TRASH, even our instructor hated it

Favourite online resource? YouTube lol– broad but legit the best way to learn ANYTHING

The topic of the best essay you’ve written? I have a problem where everything I wrote in the past I now see as really bad bc my writing is always evolving. Most recent essay–maternal mortality rates in the US and race gaps within

Would you ever consider getting a phd? I am indeed considering haha

Who is doing the most interesting research in your field at the moment? In my research, Vince Calhoun or Danilo Bzdok. In my major, I’m not sure

Do you have any minors? I haven’t declared it officially, but I think I can achieve a math minor my 5th year

What is subject you wish your university taught but doesn’t? I don’t blame them cause it’s just now gaining more popularity, but like a strictly computational biology/biostatistics subject would be amazing

What is an area of your subject you wish your university taught but doesn’t? Same as 31^

The best advice anyone has ever given you about university? Do everything, don’t hold back. An opportunity can come from the smallest of things

Do you care about your grades? Yeah, but it’s not everything

Do you think you study enough? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t

How did your attitude towards studying and school change between high school and university? Uni hit me like a truck bc my high school was not the best. I learned to live and breathe studying, how to learn, how to manage my time, and my attitude is more serious and business-minded, but also have crazy fun in the right time and place

What do you do to rewind? Like to unwind? exercise, make music, watch movies, hit the hot tub

Best tip for making friends at university? Be yourself and be honest :)

Are you involved in any clubs/societies/extracurriculars? President for a diversity student org and I do intramural sports!

Have you done or are you planning on doing any internships? I’ve completed one research internship and I hope to do another next summer.

What is an interesting subject that you would never study yourself? Physics probably lol

What has been your favourite thing about university so far? The people, the location of my uni, the learning

What is your plan B career? Work in industry after undergrad, probably in biotech

Do you ever regret your choice of subject or university? Not really

Do you ever regret going to university? Hell no

How do you study? I try to vary it– I’ll read, do a crap ton of practice problems, do a study group with a lot of talking and teaching each other concepts, watch videos from other sources

What do you wish you’d done differently in your first year? Not been a student-athlete

What things do you think you did right in your first year? Was honest with myself

What are your thoughts on Academia? It can be good and bad, and it’s up to us as the next generation to change the bad :)

Strangest university tip you have? Hmmmmm... Don’t assume all your advisers/administration/profs know what you’re truly capable of. (not strange, but I don’t think it’s that common)

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modern-oedipus · 5 years ago

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Update: I’ve been super sick ever since the morning. I think the stress piled up because I was super nauseous (and I... don’t even get nausea? Maybe I’ve thrown up once or twice within last 10 years and that’s it? So it’s extremely rare for me to get this bad?) and I had to skip my morning classes, then I dragged my ass to campus miserably on a terrible cold rain because I had to join biochemistry lab (labs are mandatory and if you miss one lab session you fail the lab), then I came back to home righf after, read a lil Falling for Your Voice and then just slept like the dead.

It’s around 9.30 pm now but I feel as if I was hit by a truck. On the bright side, maybe this was the decharge I needed, because I slept a lot and while my stomach still hurts I feel very rested, mentally and emotionally, which means I’m ready for the weekend in which we are going to study hard because we have three midterms ahead! I’m planning to reward myself with pizza and dessert tomorrow (definitely not today, I feel like my will to eat is back but I don’t want to risk it) and... get it done? Really.

There was an interesting encounter between me and my friends today. You know, college is college— it’s normal for people to have suicidal tendencies or make dark humor jokes at this point. By no means I think less of anyone, but one of my not-so-high-scoring friend jokingly said during the lab like, “I think I’m gonna kill myself on tuesday, there is so much going on.” and another friend of mine joined jokingly like, “Well, call me if you do, not to stop you but to die with you.” and I honestly thought of Dazai Osamu but anyway that’s not the point—

Another friend of mine, whom I briefly had a crush on in fact, approached from behind and joined halfway through the conversation asking what we are up to. Now this guy is a high scoring one and he’s kinda sweet and he multitasks many stuff and he usually does it well. So my other friend complained about how she was going to die (jokingly), and he just put his hands on my shoulder reassuringly, grinned at her, and said, “Well darlings, it means we are going to work a lot, get lil sleep, but also get this done!” and in that moment I noticed what a big difference the mindset can make.

Because that girl doesn’t believe in herself. She will just pass through but she will spend most of her time feeling sad instead of getting the work done (how do I know? Haha. Maybe I was like that too.) while he will just, get the work done, regardless. Both will suffer but in the end he will at least get a payback for his suffering? And the fact that he can say this smiling, with a non-sarcastic smile as well? So cute. I mean coUGHS that seriously gave me some motivation! I didn’t talk in that conversation I think, I was so blown by my realization of how important mindset is and also how he touched my shoulders but wow good shit.

I think I’m getting back. I won’t be too slow getting back to you all and getting back to my life but I won’t jump right away either because I still feel mildly in pain, which is a huge indication that it is me overworking myself.

Me and my friend had talked what we’d go out partying no matter what tonight but since I’m sick I cancelled that as well.

Also, I don’t know whether the authors of the fanfics will read this completely random diary-based post of mine until the end but honestly? Reading Falling for your voice calmed me down, like, I did try to write some of my fanfics but I was having extreme writer’s block and I couldn’t think of anything better than reading that cozy story (and also the author handles hurt/comfort so well? Unlike me who downright breaks the characters. I feel like I’m safe when I read the stories, which is so odd, but comforting), and also there is this nsfw-ish request of mine that was written sjfkvkdn and I kept thinking about Ray Grace smacking Norman’s fine butt and it is so hot and I’m so pleased and like. I also got COMMENTS like multiple COMMENTS on my fics aND alSO aaAaAAAaAAAAAaA Ari sent me?? Pics of?? Ray the perfection???? Of the perfect art?( and his ice cream???? AND THE FLOUR ON HIS CHEEKS?????? AND HIS SHY, UNCOMFORTABLE LOOK???? I JUST LOVE?? So much?????

As I said I’ll take things a lil slowly so I’m just making one big post about all updates today and getting individual replies back tomorrow. For now I need to eat (would u believe me, ME, the girl who lives for food hasn’t eaten anything except half a banana entire day) a bit, and then do biochemistry revision. It is cold outside, but somehow my heart feels so warm after my encounters with my friends and also from everything that happens on Tumblr.

Okay, this post doesn’t have a conclusion, but like... I really wanted to draw fanart for falling for your voive except I’m not an artist and I don’t know how to make Normie and Ray look nice. I know that’s not an excuse, I can just learn, but honestly, with this workload I can’t afford that yet. I don’t know. As I said, I am hesitant to go all way as I get myself back to life because I’m worried of another collapse, so this is enough for today. I apologize from everyone whose replies I delayed. Honestly, it is same on my irl messages too. I tend to not find the energy to reply back sometimes and these last two weeks were really some tough college life. Don’t ever take it personal! Anyway, complaining about past has a limit, I’m looking forward to revise my favorite class now! (Yes, biochemistry, haha. Though I only love it because I love the professor and the theory. Biochemistry labs are always so time consuming and I’d rather do something like bioinformatics if I chose a career. But still, biochemistry is all about understanding the life... it always mesmerizes me. I’m amazed.)

So stay safe and please don’t hesitate to message me even if I reply late! I really get this warm safe feeling when I am here, and, not detached. ❤️

Ah, enough talk, I feel like I’m talking to void since this isn’t a private message but I’ve written so far so I might as well post it.

Oh— one last thing! I seem to have a writer’s block! It is okay, I know it is temporary, but since I’m both short on time and not inspired, it is likely that there will be no updates this week! But after that I get two weeks free before finals so I may post! Maybe I update The Promised Wonderland, I like soft boi Norman having his innocent crushes, he is so cute, and pure, and I love these babies.

#nila stuff #update #rambling #i could tag many things but dont wanna tag bait #a generally positive post #college

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ayuthetigress-blog · 5 years ago

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Greetings From a Big Big Kitty

I’ve had this Tumblr blog for a while now. Time to finally make use of it.

My first post will probably just be me telling a bit about myself. First of, yes, I am a furry with a Sumatran tiger as my fursona. It’s a label that I spent years of thinking whether or not I should call myself that, and as a result, be part of the fandom. The thing is, I’ve always liked anthropomorphic animals. Growing up watching animal filled Disney movies allows me to have a high affinity towards them. I also had a huge collection of children’s animal encyclopedia. Why? I honestly have no idea. I was just really into zoology back then. And guess what? My love of it came back on my second year of uni when I did a course on adaptive behaviour of animals. I found out that I loved zoology more than biochemistry, something that I thought I’d be doing instead.

Also, anthropomorphic art and photos of fursuits is something that I also always secretly loved. They would often appear on my old Twitter page and I had to resist the urge to retweet because I don’t want people to think I was a furry. Back then, I just think they were neat.

As you can probably guess, I didn’t want to call myself a furry before. Much of this is attributed towards both the actions done by bad people in the fandom, and the stigma as a consequence of it. If you’re a fur, you’d know that the term “furry” refers to a fandom, and not a fetish, which is often the initial interpretation. And while there are those who do perform sexual acts in relation o the fandom (I don’t really mind as long as everyone involved all CONSENT to it), there are those who have gone off the deep end and...well...actually have a thing for...ferals. News about bad furs abusing animals would often pop-up and that made me reluctant to be part of the fandom. I don’t want people to think that I’m one of “those people.”

I just honestly decide to finally call myself one on the August of 2019, after stumbling across a video by YT-er by the name solarsaber that explained how furries are nothing more people who are into anthro animals, and that there are still many positive people in the fandom. If it weren’t for her, I may not have call myself a furry.

Another fur that also inspired me to be part of the fandom is Dr.Wildlife. Someone RT’d one of her post to my old Twitter timeline of her doing scicomm (short of science communication) whilst fursuiting and it’s honestly one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen! As someone who is doing scicomm myself, I believe communicating whilst fursuiting really helps to get audience’s attention. Thanks to her, I decided to join in on the fandom and made a goal to save up for a fursuit and use to make zoology scicomm content on YT. I can always do it without the suit, but I’d like to think that audiences would love to learn about animals, whilst dressing up as one.

Yes! I love science and science communication! That’s the second thing that I want to talk about myself. As mentioned before, I loved zoology as a child, followed by general biology years later. I also loved content creating, despite not being so good at it right now (hopefully that can change in the future). Hence, I decided to mix my love of both and become a science communicator, a field that’s relatively new, but I guess that’s the beauty of it. Everyday we are finding newer and creative ways to talk about science. Coming up with novel ways of doing so is an accomplishment itself. Just look at furry entomologist Entobird livestreaming ant feeding on their Twitch channel!

Right now, I am an biology and psychology undergrad student at Auckland Uni in New Zealand. Fun fact, I’m not actually a Kiwi. I’m Indonesian, and only came to NZ to study my bachelors degree because of how affordable it is compared to other countries. If I was really a Kiwi, I would have my sona be a kea or a kārearea/NZ falcon instead of a tiger. This country has so much amazing bird species, I think I’ll write a post about it someday.

(Fun fact, did you know that keas have similar intelligence to that of great apes?)

Once I’m done with undergrad, I’m hoping I can work for a while before trying out for post-grad. But of course, with the pandemic currently going on (I wrote this in 16/04/20) I’m not sure how that will turn out...

Anyways, I think I’ve written enough for now. Next, I’ll be talking about why I chose a Sumatran tiger to represent myself. Take care, readers, and I’ll see you in the next blog post~

(Art by MissyMerlin and Strrrid)

#textpost #lifepost

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braindamageforbeginners · 6 years ago

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more FAQ

Cycle 10, Day 13

So, I spent this morning hanging out writer-y people and I was asked such a good question, I thought I’d use it as another FAQ. As always, I can only answer for myself on these things, ask a physician or real grown-up if you have any doubts. And to all my friends and family who think I’d use a blog to update my health status if things go bad - that’s what Instagram is for, people.

Q: What will my cancer treatment be like?

A; Exceptionally and amazingly unpleasant, I should imagine. Even though I don’t really like the whole “warfare/warrior” metaphor, there is one useful thing about it. I’ve heard from enough combat veterans - in various ways and media that, no matter how well it’s described, surviving modern warfare is indescribable to anyone who doesn’t have prior experience. Same goes here - until you survive a terminal illness, or get that fatal phone call, you really don’t know what it’ll be like, no matter how good I am at describing it. All I can tell you with any certainty is that you will have to develop a completely unassailable faith that you will outlast this thing. From that, you can get start developing the sort of pig-headed stubbornness you’re going to need to win this thing and carve out some sort of normal life. Having said that, I’d also say that you might have to modify your life and life goals, like Data in the game Strategema, in the immortal Trek episode “Peak Performance,” when he (Data) successfully challenges the annoying bureaucrat/ambassador caricature to a rematch: “ I was playing for a standoff, a draw. While Kolrami was dedicated to winning, I was able to pass up obvious avenues of advancement, then settle for a balance. Theoretically, I should be able to challenge him indefinitely. ” It sucks that you might have to put your life on hold in a potentially-never-ending stand-off with a disease, And I’m not going to argue that life is worth living - that’s your decision, and there are potential long-term constraints to my survival that I wouldn’t consider acceptable, but you might. Also, keep in mind, that same episode has the line, “ It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life. “ These are dangerous diseases - deadly if mistreated or mishandled, and frequently deadly even with the bestest care. You’re going to have to see those sort of statistics like “90% fatality rate” and say, “Fuck that, I’ll take those odds, someone hold my seat while I get a drink.” Of course, it’s easy to say that now. However, more to the point of the question, I’ve had a multicourse treatment starting with neurosurgery, then radiation and chemo, and maintenance chemo. After each step, you’re likely to get a week or two off to recover before your doctors review the results, and clear you for the next step. Treasure those weeks off, they might be your only progression-free moments where it looks like you’re on the upswing. And remember, the phrase, “I would recommend more treatment” is a good thing. Cancer patients only get sent three places: home, the hospital, or the hospice. More treatment and hospitals are bad, expensive, and dangerous, but they beat the hell out of 33% of the options.In my case - in the case of most chronic cancer patients - I’m not wild about five years of chemo, but it does beat the alternatives. When our post-Mastodon species talks about “killer instinct,” it’s usually in some unhelpful motivational seminar. No one talks about it for what it really is - coldly, and grimly doing whatever is necessary to outlast your enemy, which, in this case, is a rogue bit of you. Nietzsche talked about “will to power,” and it’s been used in conjunction with some horrific rhetoric and movements, but I’d advise you to embrace it if it’s the only way to get home again. However, my treatment has been: 1. Neurosurgery 2. 4 weeks off 3. Initial chemoradiation for 6 weeks (that’s brutal) 4, a few weeks off 5. maintenance chemo consisting of 5 days of Temodar and three marizomib infusions 6, ?

Q: Do you ready things about your disease differently than you do other biomedical studies and/or literature?

A. Oh, fuck, yes. I once read that the tell-tale sign of privilege is ignorance (about their privilege and those in a harder circumstances)(which, as someone who’s had a few of those permanently revoked - there was a time when the words “third floor” didn’t have me looking for an elevator)(still, a limp and/or ankle braces definitely beats that horrifying walker). In the same way, an ability to classify knowledge as “academic” is a sign of intellectual privilege (or complacence, which is the next step of privilege). I am absurdly invested in anything I read about GBM. Or cancer. Like, I understand - and kind of agree with - the old rule about not allowing physicians to treat their family members. You’re not going to exhibit the same degree of clarity and judgment. Same thing for me - I’m nigh-immortal on my good days (or with a morale boost), and, potentially dead on the bad ones. It’s exhausing, but, at the same time, i don’t know why we exhibit such disinterest in other areas (Ladies, I’m still single). You are either 1000% focused and committed, or not a all. You know what doctors call cancer patients who successfully complete half of their required treatment before giving up? “Dead.” There’s a good chance you’ll die, anyway, not committing to a treatment course once you’ve started is just a very expensive form of lengthy suicide. Additionally, even though I still use clinicaltrials.org and PubMed as my primary-source services on such things, I’m not as interested as I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am still absolutely interested in any new developments in my disease or treatment plan - I literally spent a few hours every week on those sites, but, in August, after John McCain died - from the same disease - and GBM treatment studies went from a few dozen on the FDA page to hundreds - I really started to believe - still do - that If I can just live long enough, healthily enough, science will catch up with me.

Additionally, there aren’t many cases of brain cancer of any sort, so you have to take a less methodical, statistical approach, and start looking at the outliers. I call this the Jack Lallane vs biochemistry approach. Stick with me. So, many years ago, a biochem professor in grad school pointed out that, according to the studies, there was no benefit to the sort of excessive protein consumption promoted by body builders, athletes, and other healthy-looking people. I probably should have realized this was coming from a 5′ middle-aged British man who looked the part, and taken it with a grain of salt. At a friend’s encouragement, I did start taking the supplements and what-not, and, as it turns out, further investigation and research showed that protein doesn’t promote muscle growth, unless it’s consumed within an hour of the workout. This is one of those cases where having incomplete information - as my professor did, as eventual research showed - is actually worse than ignorance. To that end, even though I try to keep current on research and development on GBM, I’m less interested in conventional wisdom and studies, and more on what the statistical outliers suggest. This is not to suggest for a minute that you will be better-informed than researchers - again, when the Warlocks or Mad Scientist say “No,” I usually take them at their word. But GBM research is a very weird and strange area of cancer research (again, it was nigh-impossible to find physicians who would agree to treat the disease as aggressively as they could; so we’re talking about a cancer that’s only been formally studied by epidiomology and science for 20-odd years), so I’ve gone with trying to track down data on those few outliers who outlived the 14-24 month life expectancy (also, good news, a recent study showed that almost 30% of us live for at least two years post-diagnosis), and figuring out how they did it. So far - and this is useful - the major commonalities are that they did successfully get a medical team to take them seriously, treat them aggressively, and they survived the treatment, which is still almost as-likely to kill you as the disease. They all also stressed the importance of “complementary medicine” in addition to the real stuff. So, again, full disclosure, I am not a fan of “alternative medicine,” which is when you get the unproven or unstudied stuff instead of traditional Western Medicine, but I am a massive fan of “complementary medicine” which is when you use the freaky stuff in addition to the established, standard stuff (and a crazy hallucinogenic, experimental chemo trial would qualify, I think). “Eating healthy” and “staying psychotically active” are also included in that category. We can talk about fad diets and nutrition, but, again, just going old-school Jack Lallane, I try to get 7-10 servings of raw fruits and vegetables (I really don’t think the “raw” part is very important, but it would take time and energy to cook them, and I’d rather that go into writing or research)(which reminds me, I have to look into photo enhancement/editing techniques this week). “Coffee” is also not on anyone’s nutritionally-recommended list, which makes me ponder how those researchers survived their patients. And such things aren’t studied by most researchers; I don’t think that’s because there’s any insidious pharmacy conspiracy, I just think it’s hard to find qualified patients (again, the rules governing these things are usually established by human rights laws and treaties, add the various dos and don’ts of a clinical trial selection into you reach anothe order of magnitude for cost and lack of returns), and, in many cases, there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. With one notable exception. In addition to being a massive fan of fitness and nutrition as a way to keep healthy and vital enough to convince your physicians to douse you in Agent Orange, I’ve also become a major proponent of medical marijuana. Again, not because it’ll cure cancer, but because it’s better at treating some of the nastier side-effects than established pharmaceuticals (and it’s telling that the shift comes just as a lot of lawmakers and pharmaceutical giants start divesting themselves of standard stuff and invest in medical marijuana development and research). And what I didn’t know at the beginning, that I wished I did now, is that the side-effects and problem stack up in standard chemoradiation. It was harder to drag myself to the infusion center on Cycle 9 than Cycle 5. But I was there.

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naireides · 6 years ago

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Hi Nai! So you're one of my favorite bloggers on this site and I know you're in med school so since I'm about to start pre med in the fall I was wondering if you had any tips for me? Study tips, books, etc, anything would help tbh. Thanks! Love you!

Hi! Congrats on starting pre med, good for you! I think I always say this but I’m not really the best at giving advice but I’mma shoot my shot anyway lol. Lemme just preface this by saying that your med experience is not going to be like mine because here in the Caribbean we do things a bit differently; we don’t have pre med here. Instead, after you finish CAPE (our A level exams) you jump straight into med school which is 3 years in an actual school to learn about preclinicals and paraclinicals and then another 2 years where you’re on the wards in the different specialities. After that you graduate with your MBBS and you have to go through a further one year internship before moving on to practice on your own.

So study tips. The first major one would definitely be to not confuse med with high school. Your study methods will (more than likely) not work here. I learnt this the hard way and it earned me the first Bs I ever got in my life lol. Uni life is a lot more laid back than HS life don’t get me wrong, but it’s waaay easier to loose track of things because of that. A lot of your professors probably won’t take attendance (for me only labs and smaller classes/ tutorials took attendance but my anatomy/ biochem/ physio classes did not) so you might want to skip. Depending on who you are you may or may not skip. I advise going to the first few classes and getting a feel of how the prof teaches before deciding if it’s worth getting up to go to that 8am. For me I have certain classes that i miss (like anatomy because it’s fairly straightforward and I learn better through practical application anyway like labs- which is why I’m always front and centre to record all my anatomy labs) and then I have classes that I will drag myself through hell to attend (lectures given by certain biochem/ physio profs who don’t give you all the slides)

Another tip is to make notes from early. It’s a lot of work. I use onenote in class to type my notes or make supplemental notes right there in the powerpoint if it’s uploaded before class and then when I get home I write my notes out (I like really pretty notes it’s something I’ve always done because it helps me keep my concentration so I gain inspo from pinterest and studyblrs)

When making these notes I turn to my textbooks. Please don’t go out there and buy every single textbook known to man. Search online and you’ll find pdfs and ebooks for free. I bought 5 textbooks and it was only because I like using physical books (plus one was written by one of my profs and he likes to pull questions from there) and my scholarship covered the cost of them anyway. If you can’t find a pdf of it online pm me because there’s a good chance I have it downloaded anyway lmao (there’s a story behind that but that’s going way off tangent lol)

Plus there’s a lot of helpful websites and youtube channels out there too! The ones I use the most are khan academy, doctor najeeb, ak lectures and speed pharmacology

And last but not least, books! Like I said before, there’s a lot of books out there so it can definitely be confusing. I like to classify the books I use most into 2 categories: the books that are at least a thousand pages and the books that are half of that.

Anatomy is always going to be a lot because anatomy is a lot. The human body has a lot of shit going on it man. I use Moore’s clinically oriented anatomy (6th edition) because I love their tables and blue sheets (clinical correlates). I also have the gray’s anatomy app on my phone as a quick reference. (Gray’s Anatomy is also a good textbook I’ve heard but I’ve never really used it)

For biochem the big one is Harper’s illustrated biochemistry which is great to use if you’re in a bad way because it explains every single thing. That can be tedious sometimes rereading the same thing a million different ways so the lighter version is the Lippincott illustrated review biochem edition. (sidenote: lippincott has a whole lot of books in the med field suck as pharmacology, immunology, pysio, etc)

And then physio we have the renowned Guyton and Hall textbook of physiology which is great don’t get me wrong but like the Harper’s it’s repetitive. So if you’re super confused about something then this is the book for you. If you have an okay enough grasp on it though you might want to check out Costanzo’s physiology which is the one I tend to use more because I historically just don’t like big repetitive textbooks.

Anyway, I think that’s all! This got really long so I hope something in it helps!

#long post #Anonymous #nai answers questions

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your-dietician · 3 years ago

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Can Psychotherapy Promote Liberation? Addressing Power Dynamics in Clinical Practice

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/can-psychotherapy-promote-liberation-addressing-power-dynamics-in-clinical-practice/

Can Psychotherapy Promote Liberation? Addressing Power Dynamics in Clinical Practice

From a critical lens, there appear to be two overarching sentiments about talk therapy, or psychotherapy.

One view is that psychotherapy is irretrievably ensconced in the wider apparatus of medicalization and coercion that characterize psychiatric hegemony. From this lens, the risk of incurring harm in psychotherapy looms large. Because it cannot be disentangled from the medical model, psychotherapy, as an institution, may simply serve to enforce a status quo by locating problems squarely within individuals.

The other view is that psychotherapy offers a safer, med-free option to otherwise surface-level interventions that exclusively target symptom reduction. It not only is the more preferred mode of treatment by those seeking mental health services, but, through this view, psychotherapy offers restorative validation within a trusting, healing relationship.

Indeed, if psychotherapy is viewed as a healing relationship, rather than a curative treatment, then there may be a role for this empowering validation and solidarity in the project of rethinking social systems.

Inherent to both perspectives is this: psychotherapy can be powerful. Just as it risks transmitting harmful narratives about pain and distress, psychotherapy might also subvert these very harms in pursuit of genuine healing and transformation.

Rethinking Narratives

As a bi(racial/cultural) woman—White and Brown; American and Pakistani; and influenced by Christianity and Islam—confronting and rethinking oppressive narratives and systems to forge ways forward has become my modus operandi. Perhaps the biggest dichotomy I embody is derived from ancestral ties to colonizer and colonized.

At the age of 10, my family and I were first exposed to the mental health and legal system. At the time, I believed that psychologists were equipped with sophisticated tools to discover and expose the truth about a problem and then, make things right. Instead, I encountered an intimidating process of interrogation and assessment. I couldn’t make sense of how it was supposed to help.

The reports presented by mental health professionals seemed either abstruse or self-evident. The verdicts and recommended plans for my family were woefully impractical. We found ourselves forlorn and financially drained, none-the-wiser since having received individual diagnoses and psychological formulations.

“Depression.” This decontextualized label was provided to everyone in my family, among other diagnoses. It explained to us that our suffering was because of chemical imbalances in the brain.

It wasn’t until much later that I felt empowered enough to flip this interrogative, pathologizing stance and instead question the deficiencies and limitations that pervaded the systems and frameworks that purported to help.

Distress Through Different Lenses

“It’s all over but the heartache,” my father would say, after our extensive contact with the mental health and legal systems ceased. This experience of heartache could also be captured by the notion of a “sinking heart,” an English translation of an expression native to the Punjab region that straddles where Pakistan and India were parted.

Reflecting on it now, I feel fortunate to have been tacitly conjuring our own words and explanations, co-authoring stories that enabled me to creatively honor multiple meanings as true. These ideas of heartache offered much richer, embodied explanations outside of the confines of medical, psychological, or pathologizing lenses. And, eventually, they helped me to mend fractures across the binaries that seemed to constitute my experiences.

The mental health system had failed us. Providers and assessments seemed to completely overlook the context—the “what had happened.” Rather, we had been pulled out of context into what felt like mechanistic interactions and evaluations that revealed circular jargon. The jargon only seemed to obscure meaning. Instead of feeling that new ways forward had been presented, I felt further boxed into something that didn’t fit, incentivized to interrogate my feelings, change myself, and conceal what felt to be true and real.

“You’re doing the best you can in a really difficult situation.” This response was not what I had anticipated my therapist would say. I had expected her to suggest that I restructure my thoughts or perceive things differently. The “help” I had received so far seemed to orient me to a process of adjusting to disempowerment. And when someone offers you a ground to stand on, even if it is founded on the idea that you are the problem, you might just settle there, lest you go on feeling baseless. Her response in this moment mattered. She had heard and seen enough of what was happening that her response had the power to affect me.

What she said at that time wasn’t especially novel or poetic, but here is why it sparked a sense in me that things could be different: First, she named the context. She acknowledged that my personal experience and everything that was happening around me were connected.

She also provided fundamental validation that my experiences made sense within this context. On a much deeper level, her response signaled to me that perhaps she thought I was a good person and that disarmed me after having so long internalized that I was somehow wrong. It was a basic thing for her to say, but it required a degree of attunement, a keen sense of timing and delivery, and a strong relational foundation at a time when my ground felt like a giant fault line.

I envision an alternative scenario: perhaps I never got this message. What if I had foreclosed on the idea that the problem resided exclusively within me, that my heart ought to remain sunken as condemnation?

My mixed experiences with cultures of care prompted my interest in how they could respond to and address, rather than reproduce, the disordered conditions and structures that I, and many others, have internalized.

Cultures of Care in the Psy-Disciplines

This question of how relationships and change processes might serve to counter conditions of oppression and disempowerment steered my rethinking of mainstream mental health care. In the hopes of envisioning and implementing different responses to distress, I set my sights on becoming a psychologist.

My family couldn’t fully understand why I would pursue a doctorate in a field that seemed to profit from our pain. To me, it was an opportunity to study change processes with respect to how social and individual experiences are intimately connected—a chance to consider how things could be different.

I viewed psychology, psychiatry, and psychotherapy (i.e., the “psy-disciplines”) as powerful in that they produce and disseminate knowledge intended to define who or what is “healthy” or “normal.” These ideas make their way into everyday discourse. I felt it problematic that the psy-disciplines sometimes uncritically put forward these ideas, under the guise of scientific objectivity, without genuine acknowledgment of how this information was situated in cultural contexts and ideology. Unsurprisingly, I struggled to connect to the practices of my own field.

“Oppression is the root of all mental health disorders” a professor in my graduate studies declared. Counseling psychology seemed to be more attuned to the limitations and constraints of status quo psychology. They questioned psychology’s relationship to power, so I pivoted from clinical to counseling psychology.

Although I struggled to connect with practices in the field because they were largely oriented to delineate normal from abnormal thoughts, behaviors, and feelings, I found a lot of promise in theory—the feminist dictum that “the personal is political”; Foucauldian thought that examined power, knowledge, and madness; critical-community scholars who brought these ideas to bear; and humanistic-existential thought which held implications for psychotherapy process as well as historical ties to the anti-psychiatry movement. Decolonial scholars, such as Frantz Fanon, had never even been mentioned in my formal studies.

I found a like-minded community for the first time when I began my doctoral studies at the University of Massachusetts Boston and writing for Mad in America. There were so many studies and ways of thinking that had never been featured in my formal education or training but were brought to the fore in discussions with friends, mentors, and teams, including the Mad in America writing team. We were constantly coming upon scientific evidence that countered mainstream practices and frameworks in the mental health field.

A clearer picture was forming for me about the way contexts of distress were glossed over. Mainstream models did not account for the ways racism, poverty, and geopolitical factors were contouring individuals’ distress. Instead, the focus was exclusively on individuals’ biochemistries and genes, or even decontextualized intrapsychic factors, such as personality traits.

I had the chance to not only develop an in-depth view of how the current responses in the system were failing people, but also an understanding of how these systems colluded with guild interests and pharmaceutical ties—they were neoliberal and neocolonial by design.

It is not just about the medical model, but about how this model upholds a very specific view of distress that justifies the current standard of care. Locating disorder in individuals’ bodies depoliticizes distress. It absolves systems and unjust structures from the need to change and it protects the way things are.

I learned that decisions around treatment tend to be made to protect liability and prioritize what is good for the market, not necessarily what is best or most empowering with respect to health and wellness. Even a focus on health tends to be overtaken by a Western lens which valorizes neuroreductionism and biogenetic theories of causation without meaningfully engaging with philosophy and critical thought, such as the hard problem of consciousness. This lens overemphasizes individual agency and a culture of efficiency and solutions while misappropriating any model which challenges its core.

Yet, the psy-disciplines are continuously attaching their work to a social justice mission, conflating intervention with care, and access with equity. Uncritically exporting Western models builds upon legacies of colonization. In so doing, these mainstream approaches flatten resistance as it manifests in the individual, and pathologize diverse idioms of distress.

Time and time again, I covered research articles by scholars who declared the need for a paradigm shift in the field— Time to rethink diagnosis, time to develop new models for racial trauma, and time to utilize conceptual alternatives, such as the Power Threat Meaning Framework, that recognize the sociostructural and relational determinants of distress.

Psychotherapy: “Clinical Intervention is Cultural Prescription”

At the same time, I was about six years into training as a clinician. It became apparent to me that the macro issues in the field trickled into therapy and shaped the ways people understood themselves.

Sometimes, when I was first meeting a client, they would utter statements such as the following:

“My last therapist told me I had an anxious personality.”

“Something is wrong with the way that I think.”

“Maybe I was overreacting, but I felt like my therapist dismissed what I thought was real. I tend to catastrophize.”

I felt I was witnessing the psychologization of everyday life. The language they were using mimicked psychological theories that spotlighted individuals’ deficits.

Philosopher Michel Foucault famously described how control over discourse equates with control over how a person perceives and comes to experience both themselves and the world. Harmful social discourses and power dynamics could be transmitted and reinstalled in psychotherapy. Alternatively, perhaps they could be interrupted and subverted.

But I found that psychotherapy was hardly, if ever, being described as carrying the potential to trouble the status quo. Most often, it was rendered as treatment designed to reduce or eradicate symptoms. But this idea of psychotherapy as a drug did not match with the psychotherapy process research literature that emphasized client-therapist relationship, therapists’ empathy, contextualized understandings of distress, and clients’ resources as predictors of positive, desired change.

The research literature also appeared to flag the ways psychotherapy may be a site for reproducing harmful social power dynamics. For example, people marginalized in society were least likely to benefit and most likely to experience coercion, medicalization, and criminalization when accessing the mental health system. In psychotherapy, this looked like experiencing microaggressions, warranted distrust of clinicians, dropping out of therapy, and expressing greater dissatisfaction with psychotherapy services.

Psychotherapy process is guided by theoretical assumptions and psychological theory. The extent to which social and structural power dynamics have shaped knowledge in the discipline is the same extent to which psychotherapy might carry this forward.

Thus, psychotherapy risks becoming a site in which epistemological violence can occur. Epistemological violence involves utilizing explanations that problematize distress and dehumanize individuals when equally viable, alternative interpretations exist.

Decolonial and African studies scholars have similarly described power as the ability to define reality, especially the reality of what it means to be human, and convince the other that it is true, universal, or natural. If we recognize that psychotherapy is powerful, we must acknowledge, as clinical community scholar Joseph Gone put it, “clinical intervention is cultural prescription.”

Just as structural competency seemed key to subverting structural violence and conceptual competency to subverting epistemological violence, I wondered how these concepts apply to psychotherapy, if at all.

Can Psychotherapy Promote Liberation?

Once I became more familiar with the pitfalls of mainstream psychotherapy, I developed an interest in rethinking how the power of psychotherapy could be harnessed to trouble the status quo—to offer genuine healing and desired transformation.

To be clear, psychotherapy has been ill-equipped to attend to the sociopolitical determinants of individuals’ lives. It is not a stand-in for necessary material and structural change. Positioning individual-level interventions as the be-all-end-all misplaces disorder.

However, many people also opt into, or find themselves pushed into, psychotherapy services. The concept that relationships can be a place to explore and attend to, rather than “fix,” distress is hardly novel. Perhaps a psychotherapy that addresses individual pain and social change as interconnected—as mutually-informing processes—can offer an alternative to psychotherapy as an instrument intended to adjust individuals to an unjust social order. Perhaps relationships can be a space to cultivate and re-envision different ways.

Sankofa—“Alternatives” Have Always Existed

In a MIA interview with China Mills about coloniality and the Global Mental Health movement, she pointed out that “alternatives” have always existed. I thought of the Ghanaian concept of Sankofa, or, in English, “to go back and get it.” It represents returning to one’s roots, or reflecting on the past in order to move forward. I wondered about what different ways to do psychotherapy had been suppressed and denied.

When it came to challenging medicalization and the concept of the therapist as the expert, I set my sights on exploring Humanistic-Existential psychotherapy orientations because they were founded on respect for human dignity and the premise that each person is the expert of their experiences. When it came to recognizing the influence of social power and systems on individual wellbeing, I sought out the wisdom of Feminist-Multicultural psychotherapy theory.

I was interested in exploring the integration of Humanistic-Existential and Feminist-Multicultural orientations through a critical lens. Through this, I set out to move beyond deconstructing the harms of psychotherapy and calling our attention to these more marginalized approaches that may reveal an emancipatory potential.

Interviews with Eminent Humanistic-Existential and Feminist-Multicultural Psychotherapists

For my doctoral dissertation research, I interviewed 14 eminent psychotherapists who were distinguished in Humanistic-Existential (HE) practice, Feminist-Multicultural (FM) practice, or both. They had practiced for at least 15 years, written books, supervised training psychotherapists, held leadership roles, and taught courses in FM and HE approaches. About half of the participants had been featured in an expert video series to demonstrate clinical application of theory. Thirteen of the 14 participants gave me permission to disclose their identity.

I applied critical and constructivist approaches to analyzing what they shared with me about navigating power in psychotherapy. My dissertation chair, supervisor, and brilliant mentor, Heidi Levitt, is a leading scholar in qualitative inquiry in the field. She was my guide in this endeavor.

The content of the 14 interviews was the data. As a qualitative study, the findings were not intended to be generalized toward understanding a population. Rather, the interview data were in-depth, thorough descriptions meant to theoretically contribute to understanding ways to address power responsibly in psychotherapy.

In other words, the data are meant to capture a phenomenon, not reflect population statistics. I stopped collecting data when the addition of new findings no longer contributed unique ideas.

As I saw it, these findings could serve to repoliticize HE and FM theory and reclaim the aspects that may have been suppressed, diluted, and co-opted. I viewed it carrying the potential to contribute to a wider movement to fundamentally rethink psychological theory and its practical application.

With an enriched understanding of these perspectives, we may also be better positioned to recognize the pitfalls of their implementation. Scholars in psychology have long been exploring the fruitful compatibility between HE and FM approaches. Therefore, the interviews were also helpful in building a new, revitalized version of an emancipatory psychotherapy—to go back and get it.

Lessons Learned—Responsible Navigation of Power in Clinical Practice

Eminent FM and HE therapists believed that a genuine healing process was also a liberation process. FM therapist participants—including, but not limited to, Beverly Greene, Laura Brown, Judith Jordan, and Maureen Walker—underscored that psychotherapy ought to be a fundamentally decolonial process. Therefore, FM therapists used their power to empower clients by trusting clients’ assessments of themselves and supporting them to reclaim power that has been denied to them.

HE therapists—including Arthur Bohart, Leslie Greenberg, Jeanne Watson, Nathaniel Granger, and Kirk Schneider—emphasized that the client is the expert of their own experience and needs. HE therapists thus used their professional training to facilitate a process in which the client authentically and robustly participates and connects to their experience in the moment.

Liberation in this sense, entails the therapist ensuring that they do not impose hegemonic cultural values within psychotherapy. HE therapists supported clients to recognize and make meaning of their experiences and the ways parts of themselves may have been fragmented and disowned through harmful relationships with people and society.

The HE and FM therapists, as well as those who identified as both (e.g., Theopia Jackson, Lillian Comas-Díaz, Melba Vasquez, and Louis Hoffman), believed that empowerment was the goal of psychotherapy.

In a Western context, empowerment is sometimes construed to overemphasize the individual. A mind-over-matter attitude is encouraged, which supports the idea of a self-contained person who should simply seek to overcome their struggles, by “pulling themselves up by their bootstraps,” for example.

However, FM and HE therapists recognized that this overemphasis risked locating the problem in the person. They actively worked to challenge this existing approach which instead empowers a capitalist market and Western ways of thinking (e.g., Western dichotomies, rationalist philosophy) as superior.

FM and HE therapists sought to avoid imposing neoliberal capitalist or Western self-hood. This awareness of imposition meant that they diverged from the medical model. They refrained from labeling and categorizing clients. Empowerment, for them, meant that the goal was not exclusively focused on reducing or eradicating distress, but rather conceptualizing distress as meaningful or as resistance.

Therefore, these eminent therapists did not believe that empowerment entailed so-called “expert” prescriptions. A crucial part of empowerment was using their proximity to the field to demystify how systems worked (e.g., insurance, diagnosis requirements, session limits).

In viewing the client as the expert of their experience, therapists aimed to support clients’ creative capacities to interpret and make meaning of their life toward healing. They emphasized that they were not giving power to clients, rather, the clients are the ones who make therapy work for them.

The role of the client has historically been overlooked in therapy, argued the therapist participants. Yet, clients are the ones who apply and integrate what works into their lives—clients, actually, are interpreting the analyst.

Therefore, the psychotherapists I spoke with aimed to intimately recognize and center clients’ processes. They also viewed the psychotherapy relationship as a powerful site from which they endeavored to support clients’ harnessing of their (contextual, ancestral, etc.) resources and wisdom to arrive at new meanings and desired actions. Clients’ experiences and resources were viewed as ecological and relationally co-constructed. Thus, an empowering psychotherapy moved beyond self-improvement or harnessing resources contained within a disentangled self. The individuals’ process could reveal what is also required to transform social and contextual structures.

Some therapists emphasized that “critical consciousness” or “consciousness-raising” processes were integral to empowerment. Clients were supported to develop clarity about how relationships, systems, and social structures have influenced them. Clients’ inner power, therefore, was about a self-in-context. In addition to this, when clients could clarify the variables that constrained their thriving, they could feel empowered to reclaim their story and decide what, then, they wished to do, if anything.

Importantly, FM and HE therapists believed that therapists needed to understand power dynamics in order to navigate them responsibly. They must not simply absolve or deny that they are perceived as the “professional,” a person who has proximity to mainstream frameworks and influence within those systems. Moreover, therapists had to experientially explore their cultural power, conferred through their identities.

Philosophical and experiential training was emphasized as crucial to therapists’ honest reflections of themselves, their culture, and the mental health field. Adequate training in these areas could bolster a genuine humility to embrace different ways-of-knowing, particularly when it involves listening to expertise derived from lived experience.

Through these approaches, therapists in training are encouraged to understand what their positionality could symbolize to clients and what that could mean for their relationship. Further, they could consider their personal (and their field’s) vested interest or propensity toward promoting specific ideas about what is right, natural, or universal.

In session, responsible navigation of power is complex, FM and HE therapists described. It is tempting to believe that a therapist could simply tell someone how they have been disempowered or what they ought to do to resist oppression. But doing so presumes that the therapist knows best.

Distinguished therapist participants highlighted that empowerment is rarely brought about by the content of what therapists say, and more about their ability to meaningfully facilitate clients’ exploration and explication. Clients’ experiences tell the story.

Consciousness-raising is not the belief that somehow the therapist knows what the client ought to be aware of. Rather, it is the deep appreciation and respect that only the client can really know that. Yet, somewhere along their journey, their connection to this has been dispossessed and disempowered. The therapist is thus accompanying clients’ phenomenological exploration, or their exploration of their lived experience, toward reconnection and reclamation. A process to illuminate collective change.

Therefore, these distinguished therapists focused on developing skills to be responsive to clients—to hear clients as widely as possible. Responsiveness was developed through their self-reflection outside of therapy and then demonstrated through sophisticated skills such as radical empathy, keen perceptual awareness, timely and accurate reflections, and a critical awareness.

First and foremost, therapy was seen as a relationship. Therapists compromise the process if they choose to conceal their own authentic participation, for instance by hiding behind a façade of professionalism. In a culture governed by values of independence, neoliberalism, and hedonism, anchoring healing in relationship is countercultural. The process of therapy enacts a different way of doing and experiencing that is co-created and contains within it models of what can be transferred to other contexts.

As part of navigating power dynamics to accompany and support clients’ critical and experiential exploration, HE and FM therapists described that they: (1) structured shared power, co-participation, and provided robust informed consent at the outset of, and throughout, the psychotherapy process; (2) provided genuine validation to cultivate radical safety; (3) skillfully invited clients to engage their experience and reflected back clients’ meanings as they meant them; and, (4) utilized phenomenological exploration balanced with critical inquiry to allow for understanding experiences and constraints to clients’ thriving in order to potentially reveal novel possibilities.

Pitfalls, Institutional Constraints, and De-Politicization

HE and FM approaches both developed during the U.S. civil rights movement and converged in their focus on human dignity, resistance to oppression, and basic human rights for all people. In his book On Personal Power, Humanistic psychology leader Carl Rogers described the revolutionary potential of the person-centered approach.

Rogers aligned his work with radical Brazilian educator Paulo Freire, writing that, at the same time, but in different places, they had both put forward models of psychotherapy and education, respectively, that empowered people and challenged Western culture and institutions.

Although the liberatory roots of FM and HE therapy approaches have been recognized, the depoliticization of these therapies led to calls to revive a focus on power, particularly in feminist and multicultural scholarship or scholarship based on reconciling FM and HE theory.

An example of this depoliticization was described by HE therapist participants who explained how concepts of self-actualization had been misappropriated to overlook communal aspects. It has been applied as a goal to empower “selves,” in an egoistic or boundaried way. However, self-actualization ought to entail empowering exploration of lived experience that begets responsiveness to self and other in paralleling ways.

Empowerment was viewed as a ripple effect. Relational-cultural theorist Judith Jordan emphasized that the goal was to empower clients to empower others and so on. Ultimately, FM and HE therapists used their power to skillfully ally with clients’ exploration of lived experience. It was this exploration of clients’ lived experiences that was deemed key to informing self, other, and community liberation.

Similar to the misapplication of HE theory, FM clinical approaches had been taken up as reductive, check box understandings of identity that reinforced stereotypes without meaningfully addressing social power dynamics. FM therapist Beverly Greene described why institutions might be invested in sustaining social power dynamics, within psychotherapy and beyond, through proliferation of reductive approaches:

“[Psychologists] were part of an institution that was…invested in validating the social status quo. And basically, people in the discipline…who were very powerful…took social bigotry and wrapped it in psychological accoutrements….”

She continued:

“It’s incumbent upon people who are learning this discipline to think about what you’re being told. And who’s doing the telling?….There’s a proverb that says, ‘As long as the hunter writes history, the lion will never be the hero.’”

FM and HE therapists spoke to the ways they had experienced suppression and disenfranchisement within the field because their approach challenged mainstream mental health.

Hiring, promotion, and tenure processes as well as grants and research reviews were geared to support manualized therapies that converged with mainstream cultural values and aims. In the interviews, therapists described the activities they took up to resist mainstream approaches and establish solidarity.

If the field of psychotherapy were to take seriously FM and HE theory, they believed that it would challenge the very essence of the American Psychological Association. It would require a paradigm shift.

A Liberation Psychotherapy

From my findings, I was inspired to build upon liberatory models of psychotherapy. I developed a Liberation Psychotherapy model grounded in the merging of HE and FM theory that serves also to complement the work of Lillian Comas-Díaz, Janis Bohan, Glenda Russell, and other scholars who have long advocated for a shift in how psychotherapy is viewed and practiced.

I also drew from the broader context of Liberation Psychologies, derived from the work of Ignacio Martin-Baró and Latinx and indigenous community psychologies. The therapists I interviewed referenced concepts from liberation psychologies such as critical consciousness and psychosocial accompaniment. Liberation psychologies centralize examining power, privilege, and oppression to connect intrapsychic and sociopolitical phenomena.

The Liberation Psychotherapy model I have put forward clarifies how power dynamics can be responsibly navigated within psychotherapy and centers: (a) power in clients’ lived experiences; (b) interdependence and the power of relationship; (c) that expert power and cultural power dynamics are intersecting; (d) a critical-ecological framework; and (e) liberatory outcomes.

Power, ultimately, becomes a concept of focus that can be used to recognize the way social power dynamics can manifest within psychotherapy relationships and come to be transmitted through approaches, concepts, and frameworks.

I developed 12 principles of practice to articulate how a Liberation Psychotherapy model could differ from practice as usual. For example, these include guidance on how to anchor an exploratory, yet consciousness-raising, process that is culturally situated and honors what clients determine to be salient for them.

This Liberation Psychotherapy model further questions traditional symptom-based outcome assessment and encourages recognition of myriad diverse ways that people express empowerment within the psychotherapy process and in activities, such as, but not necessarily, activism, in the world.

This model is not only grounded in a project of reclaiming suppressed concepts from HE and FM theory, but rather centers liberation psychology concepts that fructify and clarify the merging of FM and HE approaches. Yet, centering exploration lived experiences as a process may reveal inroads to individual, interpersonal, and social transformation.

Genuine Embracement of a Different Way

I hope to further refine and develop this Liberation Psychotherapy model as I continue to engage in clinical practice and research. I have concerns about the way that this model could be co-opted, as many others have been, which would undermine an appreciation for what liberation means.

For this reason, I believe it is important to be clear about the inherent limitations of psychotherapy. As an institution itself, clinical practice must go above and beyond to address systemic oppression. Psychotherapy is a system of its own and it is one that is structured around an interpersonal frame and individual-level intervention. Therefore, it is especially susceptible to maintaining a focus on individuals and on what the individual, not the practice, might do differently. This removes not only the culpability of systems, including mental health ones, but encourages individuals to simply adapt to circumstances.

Inspired by the work of indigenous scholar, Jillian Fish, I have recently been building on some of the findings that came out of my research. An examination of power is one way to connect psychotherapy to wider social contexts. However, part of what this study enabled me to see more clearly was that social context is within the individual because context is what constitutes experience.

Jillian Fish has put forward a model that more succinctly captures this recursive relationship. She critiques the traditional ecological model in psychology, which places the person in the middle of concentric circles representing successively macro contexts.

An indigenous conceptualization inverts the traditional ecological model. It places social, relational, and temporal aspects, such as time and culture, within the person. I believe that for Liberation Psychotherapy to be genuinely embraced, this type of conceptualization in psychology and psychotherapy is crucial.

I often think of the saying “research is me-search.” My experiences in the world have been colored by social mores and relationships that cinched, flattened, and sought to eradicate what could exist in between binaries or outside of constraining frameworks.

From a psychoanalytic lens, trauma is described as that which a person cannot integrate and process—a wound. However, I felt that the things I struggled to integrate were the things about me that the world showed me it was not ready to process, integrate, or symbolize. It was not simply my own cognitive processing deficiency. Rather, my wound was like my own avenue to beholding a wider process of collective mutilation that has required us to forego different possible ways to live and to be.

Unsurprisingly, I developed an aversion to explanations about human experiences that stifle creativity, resistance, and the remarkable depth and breadth of human diversity. Therefore, my clinical and research work is geared around humility rather than an uncritical adoption of any singular solution that aims to be the only way. This project tells of how I attempted to go back and get it, resist reductive explanations, and merge together seemingly incompatible perspectives.

A liberation psychotherapy is not about uncovering who we truly are. It is an excavation into the ways our pain, hopes, tensions, and fantasies are reflective of all with which we are entwined, and then, using this to inform collective emancipation.

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rainafoxfire · 3 years ago

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A Daily Devotion: Passion, Purpose, and Practice for the Herbalist

A Daily Devotion: Passion, Purpose, & Practice for the Herbalist by Kiva Rose Hardin [https://bearmedicineherbals.com/]

“You too can be carved anew by the details of your devotion” -Mary Oliver

“It takes long practice, yes. You have to work. Did you think you could snap your fingers, and have it as a gift? What is worth having is worth working for.” -Philip Pullman, His Dark Materials

Ni Sasih by Dullah

I have frequent discussions with my students in which they’re struggling to understand how they can fit into what they see as the role of an herbalist. Some may base it more on a clinician model, while others have been more influenced by a village wise woman archetype. Either, and anything in between, can work wonderfully if that’s the role that best suits the individual and their context. The trouble comes when someone realizes they don’t fit into any known role, even those they look up to the most. For some, this understanding can be enough for them to simply walk away from herbalism thinking that they don’t belong, and for others it can preface a long struggle of trying to force themselves into a mold they just don’t fit.

Not everyone is cut out to be an herbalist, and some of us realize on our journey that a different aspect of the green world works better for us. However, if we adore practicing herbalism, but struggle with feeling like we don’t fit the models of herbalists we see around us, then we need to find a new model that is unique to suited to us.

I’ve certainly experienced this myself, and have spent long hours in despair over my aversion working in an office like a proper clinician, or conversely, my inability to entirely abandon a scientific perspective when treating people. I have many role models in the herbal community, but I’ve still struggled to find where I fit, and what exactly I have to offer. I see expert clinicians with backgrounds in nutrition and biochemistry and can’t see any way to catch up to their knowledge, or the effortless grace of the wise woman who doesn’t seem to need to work at all in order to cultivate intimacy and trust with those she works with. These kinds of comparisons are not only useless, but often harmful to ourselves and those we’re comparing ourselves to as we foster an attitude of useless competition and potential resentment and envy of someone else’s gifts and skills.

A common fear is that everything we offer is already being done by someone else, and likely being done better. This kind of thinking can cause mental paralysis, shutting down our ability to write about plants, make medicines, or even practice. I don’t know many herbalists who haven’t dealt with this at some point, and it can be difficult to remember how much we each have to offer to each other, the folks we work with, and the community as a whole.

It helps me a great deal to remind myself that herbalism is not just a science or a trade, it’s also an art. And like art, we each have something unique to offer that can’t be replicated by others. When ten different herbalists write monographs about Rose there will certainly be notable overlaps, especially when it comes to general therapeutic applications, but I know from experience that there will also be an incredible number of differences and individual subtleties. These differences combine to create a greater body of knowledge, and a deeper legacy of wisdom and beauty for herbalists to come!

The Medicine & The Muse: Follow Your Interests

Remember that our interests will develop over time, adapt to our lives, and sometimes outright change. While it can certainly be a bad idea to radically alter our lives for every impulsive venture, too many of us are more likely to get stuck in stagnant practices that no longer serve our selves and our work.

In the last few years I found myself increasingly frustrated with strictly clinical work. To be honest, when I first started experiencing feelings of dread every time I even thought about seeing a client, I thought I might be done with herbalism altogether. After many tears and months rife with self-doubt, I’ve come to realize that it’s not possible or even good for me to try to stick myself in a single category of herbalism. I find myself much happier if I follow the meandering flow of my interests, and integrate them as I go along instead of trying to freeze myself into just being a clinician. These days you’re as likely to find me perfecting a new botanical perfume, grinding fragrant resins for incense, photographing a newly opened flower, or brewing up a medicinal mushroom based soup as studying neurophysiology or treating a client.

One of the things I have long loved about herbalism is its innately multifaceted nature that can incorporate everything from botany to cooking, sensory pleasures to clinical therapeutics, counseling to gardening. All of this, and much more, are important parts of the larger pictures of herbalism. Some of us serve in specific niche roles, such as growing and propagating at-risk medicinal plants, while others work as broad generalists to integrate many fields of study into one life of art and practice.

The important thing is not to get stuck in one spot and feel limited by what we’ve chosen, but instead, to constantly follow what we love and feel passionately interested in. Every day we have the choice to expand or contract, dig in or move on. In this ever evolving and growing field, we too are forever falling back into the dark to re-germinate before spiraling upward to the sun.

Envisioning: Periodically Reassessing Goals & Dreams

In the midst of harvesting, medicine making, seeing clients, teaching, writing, studying, and the multitude other tasks that accompany this work, it’s easy to become so overwhelmed with attempting to stay caught up that we don’t notice we may have lost our love for the daily devotions of herbalism. In my own practice, I’ve found it extremely helpful to take periodic looks at what I’m doing, how I’m doing, and how I feel about it. Running on auto-pilot is bound to happen at times, but when we notice that we no longer have our heart in what we’re doing, it’s time to reassess.

Ideally, we have a planned time for the assessment each year, most likely in the Winter when work is often a bit slower, and it feels most natural to dive inwards. Life doesn’t always follow our version of what should happen though, so we may sometimes need to take an unplanned time out. If we’ve previously written down our goals, needs, and dreams, then it’s fairly simple – although not always easy – to compare our current ideas and ideals with the past and see what aligns, what needs to change, and plot a course in that direction. If we’ve never taken the time to really think this through, it may be a much bigger project to honestly examine our desires and abilities.

For many of us, this whole process is made much easier by stepping away from our normal routine, environment and work while we reassess. Retreating to the woods for a weekend or heading to a location in nature that especially connects us to our purpose and passion can be perfect, but even simply taking a day away from normal surroundings can be enough to give us a much better idea of where we are and where we want to be. Sometimes, we just need that break and breathing room to realize we absolutely love all that we’re doing, and simply need a little more downtime and self nourishment. Other times, we’ll find that it’s time to make a significant shift that may entail entirely restructuring our lives to find fulfillment and satisfaction.

Devotee of the Green World: The Plant Healer’s Work

It’s taken nearly a decade of relentless obsession, intermittent exhaustion, constant studying, hands on experience, and daily wonderment at the magic of plant medicine – for me to finally realize that the key to being fulfilled in my work lies in my daily rededication to it. It’s as simple as that, the understanding that all the work I do is an act of devotion to the land, the plants, and the people. It’s not a race, it’s not compensation for guilt, it’s not even about being a good person.

It’s this simple act of fragrant flowers petals falling into waiting water, of holding someone’s hand while they breathe through their pain, of kissing the leaves of the Alder tree in gratitude for this medicine. This practice, this devotion, this prayer.

#herbalism #burnout #self care

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gomedorgohome · 7 years ago

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Second year of medical school- a summary

Ok everyone, it’s been exactly 2 months since I finished 2nd year of medical school, so I think it is undoubtedly the time for me to write some kind of summary of this very eventful year. Below you will find a very subjective report of what those last 10 months has been like for me, of what I experienced and what I learned. Hope you’ll find it at least a little interesting and not unreadable! Love,

olga

(Also, friendly reminder- I study medicine in Poland, where it takes 6 years to get the MD title)

SUBJECTS

It was a new year with brand new subjects! No more dreaded anatomy, no more histology with it’s microscopes, pinks and purples, no more biophysics or molecular biology- now was the time for biochemistry, physiology and immunology! It was one step closer to “real medicine”- we were finally learning about diseases and pathophysiology and therapies! Sufficient to say I was pretty excited. Here’s what was actually in store for me

- physiology and pathophysiology

Undoubtedly an amazingly important subject- understanding how different processes in the body function and what makes them not work is basically a base for every single therapy. And still, despite it’s importance, I truly hated studying physiology. To make matters funnier I actually enjoyed all my classes and still find the subject itself quite interesting, yet every time I opened the book I was completely unable to focus. I drew diagrams, studied in different places and made flashcards- basically I tried every single thing we suggest to you in our study tips, in hopes I will be able to spend at least a little less time in a library. Some of them worked, some of them didn’t and so I studied and groaned and moaned and studied some more. But at the end I passed my exam (though not with the most spectacular grade, if we’re being totally honest) and I hope that once I get to put my, so painfully obtained, knowledge to use (pharmacology, here I come!), it will get more organised in my head.

- biochemistry

Though many of my friends said right away that this is the most boring of subjects, I actually enjoyed it very much. For me biochemistry, with it’s formulas, diagrams and reactions, is a very precise and measurable (for lack of the better word) subject and therefore it was really easy for me to study it. And while it will probably prove to be less useful in my future years than physiology, I am glad I spend as much time as I did studying it.

- immunology

My university is very big when it comes to this, both amazingly interesting and really difficult, subject. We have our own textbook, written by a faculty that mostly focuses on scientific research- therefore our classes were very demanding when it came to both obtaining the nescessary, “basic” knowledge and staying on top of current discoveries and therapies. I am actually a little disappointed we only had a semester of immunology, as in my opinion it would made much more sense if we had at least 2 semesters of it- then the material could’ve been divided into smaller parts, which could’ve been covered a little more thoroughly (and it would’ve also make the studying undoubtedly easier). Still, I enjoyed those couple of months with immunology- it was really interesting to hear every week about those new discoveries which literally change lives of people suffering form different cancers or auto-immune diseases.

- genetics I will continue this subject during my winter semester of 3rd year. So far it hasn’t been particularly exciting, but I hope that once we actually start clinical genetics in October, it will be something to look forward to.

- cytophysiology

I’m pretty sure I actually wrote about it here already, but in case I didn’t- it was really, really boring and it woud’ve made much more sense to make it a module of histology, instead of making it a subject during the 2nd year. But the exam was pretty easy and I got a good grade, so I am not that bothered about it.

ADDITIONAL STUFF I DID THIS YEAR

- I went to work!

I worked as a nanny and I also gave math lessons on the weekends. I could probably write a whole other post about having a part-time job and studying in medschool (huh, maybe I will), but long story short- it was a very rewarding (in both literal and figurative sense) experience, but it also required quite a lot of sacrifices from me. For the first time I had my own money, money I earned at a job that I found on my own (unsuprisingly, working for strangers is a little differentt from working for your mums friend), which was obviously great, but also meant that suddenly I had much less time for myself and had to juggle both school, work, social life and some other responsibilities. This year, with clinical rotations starting, I probably won't be able to work as a nanny, but I am going to continue tutoring- after all this year I got used to having extra money and i don’t think I am ready to give it up :D

- I became a member if Ob/Gyn Student Interest Group

I mentioned before how interested I am in OB/Gyn, and while it is way to early for me to really think about my future residency, I still wanted to get involved in this group. This year I got to help with preparing a conference for all the medical universities in Poland (it was amazing and I loved every second of it), I also attended every meeting with different lecture presented during each one and learned how to do basic uterine compressive sutures. I absolutely love being a part of this group and want to get even more involved next year (more about what I hope it will mean later this month..)

- I went to New York!

It is completely unrelated to this blog, I know but still- seeing New York was literally one of my biggest dreams of all time and this summer I got to spend a month in this great city. And I made friends! And I saw Hamilton! And I went to a Brooklyn rooftop party! And it was the most amazing month and I got to do it all on may students budget (workaway.com is the most amazing site, really) and you can see some pictures on my instagram- olgajestem!

COOL THINGS I DISCOVERED THIS YEAR THAT I WANTED TO MENTION

- podcasts

They aren’t particularly popular in Poland, which is probably why I only discovered them only this year. There are thousands of podcasts available, so if you want to make your commute to/ from school more enjoyable, you will for sure find somethingng you like (and listening to podcasts makes you feel more productive, which actually makes you more productive later, which is a win-win)

- Hamilton. The American Musical

I am truly obsessed and I could write paragraphs about it, so i need to restrain myself. But do yourself a favour and really listen to it- its a-ma-zing

-goodreads.com

Great website, keeps me motivated to read more (I read less during stressful months, instead I spend time mindlessly browsing internet- reading challenges on this website keep me going). You can of course add me here

* * *

This was this year guys- I might actually edit this post if I remind myself of something, but I hope you enjoyed this relation! It was a really good year, I hope the next one will be at least as nice.

If you have any questions, absolutely do not hesitate to ask them- I am back home now and can’t wait to get back to regular blogging

Love,

olga

#medblr #medschool #medicine #studyblr #medschool life #medstudent #ms2 #ms3 #obgyn #new york #studying #studyspo #physiology #biochemistry #study inspiration

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batterymonster2021 · 6 years ago

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Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/loving-your-lady-parts-as-a-path-to-success-power-global-change-alisa-vitti-at-tedxfidiwomen/

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

Translator: Monika Kapuscinska Reviewer: Reiko Bovee I’ve waited all day to get my arms on you. So, I wish to take you back to the place I was about 14 years ago. I was once a student at Johns Hopkins university, and i was once equipped to start my existence, I was once planning to become OB/GYN. And my body, out of the blue, went into complete hormonal fall down. And thus, so did my lifestyles, fully dysfunctional. I couldn’t stand up, couldn’t go to sleep, couldn’t have any energy. It was a non-stop nightmare to get up now not recognizing your self and now not realizing the best way to are living within the physique that you simply had.I need you to snapshot me. I fairly do need you to seem. (Laughter) I was once 200 kilos. I do know, correct? Protected face, chest, back, arms, wherever that you just could put, in painful cystic pimples. It would take me half an hour within the morning of cautious uncomfortable utility of make-up to try to move outside. I was once depressed; I was exhausted; i would menstruate once a yr, and no one had any inspiration what used to be wrong with me.It had been getting progressively worse from in regards to the age of 15. And i used to be getting progressively more curious and frustrated. And in considered one of my insomniac moments I was on the library, of direction, science nerd, horny scientist, i might like to say. Getting to know in some of the obstetrics journals. And i saw this small be trained on a sickness known as Stein-Leventhal disorder. It used to be named after the gentleman who categorised this grouping of symptoms. I said, "Oh my god, I match this description to a tee." So I felt very naughty, however I ripped off the file, and the next morning I very vigorously marched into my gynecologist place of job.Without an appointment, of path, very first thing in the morning, i am like, "hi, so I suppose I just discovered what’s been wrong with me for the final seven years, and i would like a transvaginal ultrasound right now!" She looked at me, "How have you learnt what that’s?" and i stated, "Let’s do this confirmatory test and let’s examine." I said, "i’m now not leaving here except we do it." So we did it. And he or she said, "look at that! You do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In fact, you were proper!" And being a now-what-solution style of girl I mentioned, "So now what? What do we do?" "Now i do know what it is ultimately! Now what?" She mentioned, "good…" and i’m going to never omit sitting in that chair in her place of work. She mentioned, "you have a future laid out ahead of you of obesity, diabetes, infertility, heart ailment, and cancer. And we’ll medicate you along the best way, so don’t worry." and that i do not forget sitting in that chair.And it wasn’t out of anger, or a sense of victimhood; there was once no battle; it was simply on a cellular degree; my entire being said, "No, thanks," and i said to her, "thanks very so much for your opinion. I’ll take my very expensively expert Hopkins intellect and go figure this out." So that is what I did. And i apprenticed myself with all forms of healers, and i used to be doing all different types of fun experiments. I had grew to become orange from drinking a lot carrot juice at one point. My female friend at that time – she’s still my first-class pal – she grabbed me and he or she mentioned, "you may have turned orange. It’s time to discontinue this scan." And "I ought to finish this scan!" (Laughter) None of those experiments made any trade in my signs at all. After which, about ten years ago, what was coming to the forefront in nutritional science was this proposal of nutritional genomics that you just could use food to control gene expression.Oh, I used to be so became on by this. I said, well if that’s feasible, if food might make a decision– you recognize, in a collection of twins, if the weight-reduction plan in a single twin can make a decision how her well being is going to happen versus her same twin with an extra diet, distinctive issues, what can i do with meals to recalibrate my hormonal process? And that’s once I dove into my study and studied sensible medication, opted-out, freaked out my mothers and fathers, didn’t emerge as a health practitioner, and instead became a functional nutritionist and developed this five-step nutritional protocol that rebooted my entire endocrine approach as you will find how superb I appear now. (Applause) (Laughter) And opened my core in mid-town long island nine years ago and started treating other ladies with similar conditions: menstrual issues, fertility problems, low vigour, low libido. And they’d come into my middle, limping with these issues, periods out of whack, could not get pregnant if they’ve tried 17 times, are not able to function, can’t bear in mind the final time once they thought about intercourse, or pleasure, or whatever.And in a similar fashion, their lives have been also untethered, uncentered; they were not, they did not have their middle point. And we would follow the protocol, and their health disorders would get to the bottom of themselves, brilliant matters for me as a scientist, like a woman with no period for 17 years she’d have to go to the health care professional as soon as a yr to be triggered with progesterone to have a bleed. She menstruates month-to-month now. And we’re shut friends, I simply in finding that whole story so interesting. An extra lady got here in on delivery manipulate, on Prozac, in a job she hated, in a relationship she hated. We received her off all of those medications, of direction, with the help of her physician, and six months later she wrote me and he or she stated, "by the way, feeling best," – that used to be a given – and stated, "Moved to L.A.And have gotten my first screenwriter job, and the show that i’m writing for is now being in syndication." Love that. One more girl had two firms, had all kind of matters occurring in her lifestyles, exclusive Pilates clients in the big apple, very fancy, had her possess studio in Greenwich, Connecticut; husband was once in transition in his career. And she used to be having erratic cycles. She’s in her mid-30s. We utilized the protocol to her body. And with no trouble – this is the part that I variety of get serious about – without problems, her body restored itself. Recollect that sport, connect four? I love that game, I used to play that always with my brother.So, you already know, her whole existence simply began lining up. She with ease let go of these customers in big apple, allowed one in all her companions at the studio to take on extra accountability. And she realized that she had been putting off having a baby for some distance too long, and was once in a position to conceive naturally for this reason of the work which used to be so exciting to see. And, of course, being any person who’s all in favour of biology, i like the inspiration that she was once therapy herself of those signs, all of these ladies.But the bigger discovery was that if a girl is in line, in alignment, in harmony with that inside ecosystem that she has, that starts offevolved to impregnate the ecology of her whole existence. With this thought of transformation; your body is a transformation agent. And then that can begin to affect the relaxation of your existence. So unique. And that is when I fell in love; I mentioned, "Oh, my God." here we are, we are walking round with these blueprints in our our bodies that inform us how you can live and work in a technique that’s in the waft of our bodies. And if we are able to emerge as fluent in the language of our biochemistry, and our physiology, this grouping of glands and organs – that I wish to call woman ingredients – that we will have access to an infinite supply of vigor, and vitality, and clarity, and unwavering purpose.I mean I was completely hooked. So, Aldous Huxley as soon as mentioned that man is an intelligence basically in servitude to his organs. And that i concept, that’s unhappy, that we appear at being in our our bodies as this style of slavery based lure that we need to deal with. And i’ve fairly as a substitute found that females who get into partnership with their our bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves, and dwelling as leaders and change marketers of their lives and communities. So let me introduce you to your lady parts. I simply cannot support myself. If i’m on stage i will speak about woman components, i will let you know about them. I need you to as a minimum go residence realizing what they’re.(Laughter) Nothing else. So, there are two things i want you to understand. First is the physiological structure to your body known as the endocrine system. Six glands. Hypothalamus in the midbrain, pituitary gland nestled close by means of, thyroid, here, pancreas, right here, adrenals, here, ovaries, right here. They work in an interconnected method making definite that your body has what it wishes to function: mind, coronary heart, muscle, tissue, hormones. Interesting. And they’re so enormously sensitive. Hypothalamus works with this factor known as poor bio-suggestions so any time that some thing happens, the temperature changes outside, hypothalamus picks that up, pituitary gland sends a message to the thyroid, all of a sudden, you might be adjusting to the temperature.You did not have got to do a thing. You were simply having fun with the climate. Love that. Genius. Most effective in a physique could that happen. Anyway, then there may be this physiological structure: your hormonal ratios; you’ve gotten 4 of them that happen in a single month cycle. And it is really fascinating, since we most effective ever reference that in an extraordinarily normal manner: "I want to get pregnant," or "i do not wish to get pregnant." that’s how we reference these hormonal ratios. The ovulation one is type of essentially the most famous. And the period, the menstrual phase is probably the most infamous. But there are four. There are a couple of others. So i want you to begin to feel about the place you might be in that cycle. And here are the 4 phases. First you’ve the follicular section, exciting phase. And neurochemically these hormonal ratios trade your mind chemistry. So you’re a further character, week over week inside a month. Yeah, you already know. (Laughter) In that follicular section, the place the eggs are style of coming as much as maturity; one is going to make it to the Fallopian tube, very enjoyable time.(Laughter) Neurochemically speakme, you’ve gotten essentially the most entry to ingenious vigour that you are going to have the entire month. Simply. This can be a excellent time to start new initiatives: mastermind, plan, dream colossal, all of that. In the ovulatory section, which everyone knows very good, so i’m not going to dive into it. In the ovulatory section, we’ve the high-quality communication abilities and probably the most power that we can have the entire month. This is absolutely a time to have fundamental conversations. Would it be genius when you could plan to ask for a elevate when you’re ovulating? (Laughter) Whoever is attempting not to give you the carry is like, "Please take the money. You are so irresistible." (Laughter) Or go on a first date, or have an most important dialog with your partner. Or inform your mom something you rather want her to claim sure to. You’re only a magnet at that time. In a luteal section, B vitamins are being called into action, for the reason that the liner is thickening, and it’s a very energized approach. However we become very element oriented right now. So that shoe closet you couldn’t get to arrange earlier than, that is the week.Detail oriented duties are very effortless to do. Try not to plan them in the different two weeks. Within the fourth phase, the menstrual segment, this is the time of the month when you simply have probably the most lively conversation between the right and the left hemispheres of the mind. So strong! So, if you are looking into course right, evaluation your existence in the past 30 days, how you probably did this month, this may be the time to do it. You are most competent to acquire those gut feeling physique messages.So, take become aware of, take a moment to take realize at the moment. Gloria Steinem mentioned, when she was talking about the film, "omit illustration" which i love, she stated, "ladies are taught to view their our bodies as unending tasks to work on, whereas, boys from a young age are taught to view their our bodies as instruments to grasp their environment." I actually fell off my chair once I heard her say that.Due to the fact that is not that the truth? We, as women, get on this hamster wheels of self-development and self sabotage. And we don’t be taught about these predominant, actual bodily buildings in our our bodies that provide us this blueprint to the way to prepare our lives. I mean, in the event you clearly adhere to the map you study exactly what you should consume, while you will have to eat it, the way you will have to transfer your body, the way you will have to prepare social commitments, work priorities. It can be all laid out for you. You don’t have got to consider, or do, or push, or battle. It can be simply there for you. And sadly, the environment is somewhat bit learning us correct now. Lady’s our bodies are in hormonal breakdown in epidemic proportions. I feel it can be 20 million ladies within the Unites States suffer from endometriosis, fibroid, PCOS… In 2009, 1.42 billion greenbacks have been spent on infertility remedies. Premiums of idiopathic "no-known" reason of infertility are on the rise in both men and ladies.Cancers of the reproductive organs are on the upward push in guys and women. Medications are being prescribed, left and proper, for medication of matters that do not rather need remedy, but relatively need a systemic method. And additionally it is fascinating, on account that we’re also in a very equally intriguing historical second, the place we now have essentially the most vigour economically and because the largest patron demographic than we’ve ever had earlier than. Which you can literally vote together with your dollars to claim to corporate the united states, "whats up, i would such as you to custom-match an environment for me." "i might love to peer extra maternal care there." So, on the middle we want to empower as many ladies as can to be trained this language, and leverage their bodies as a device.So, I want to provide the three things that we teach every person. The first is you have to fall in love. You have got to study what these ingredients do and how you can devour to support them, so they are able to operate optimally for you. The 2nd factor is that you simply have got to commit, commit to this new relationship with your body. I would like you to plot your month, thematically, week over week, in keeping with these hormonal ratios, so that you could just do extra, go teach your lifestyles; I call it "in-body time management". The 0.33 thing is, i need you to begin to leverage your body as a energy device. And i need you to reply the query that none of my sufferers can ever answer the first time I ask it of them, which is: if I have been to wave a magic wand and repair your body to superb vitality what would you do with that energy? How would you be a transformation agent in the world? If that you may start to answer that query, then we are able to relatively step into our roles as leaders as women.So, females provide birth via the body. The most important act of our generation of females goes to be to be in a partnership with the body, to not depart it out. And i relatively want to see you’re keen on your woman ingredients, transform your life, and change the sector. I am Alisa Vitti. It’s been an honor. (Applause) .

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